Twat Lobo #5

Finally, Cullen Bunn is delving into the one thing that always defined Lobo: romance!

See? Would I lie to you, loyal readers?

I just dug through a bunch of comic book boxes looking for issues of Lobo by Alan Grant and I only found from #48 on. It looks like the older issues remain in my childhood home. I also realized I don't have my run of The Demon. And now I feel empty inside! I think I need to plan a trip home soon to pick up all of my old comic books. Oh, and to see my mom!

I found a lot of comics that I'm surprised I owned. Darwyn Cooke's The New Frontier #1. The first three issues of Identity Crisis. Maybe that's why I purchased the hardcover when it came out because I wanted to see how the story ended. But fuck all if I even remember reading the individual issues. I also discovered this gem which is relevant to the current Teen Titans run:

I don't remember this (or the other issues of The Power Company that I own) at all. I'm sure I purchased it on the strength of Busiek's Astro City.

The Power Company is about an eighth of an inch wider than other comics. I thought maybe new comics had shrunk not just in pages but in size, but Twat Lobo #5 is the same size as Lobo #54.

Anyway, let's turn our attention to far less interesting matters: Twat Lobo! The issue begins with Twat Lobo killing off yet another of Earth's would-be assassins. When is he going to have trouble killing one of them? I guess that will be the final target, right?

Now I want to write a comic book called General Calamity and Wanton Violence. It would be set in the old west and be full of gore and good-intentioned racist microaggressions. You know the kind! Like when some white gunslinger has his ass saved by a Chinese fella and the gunslinger says, "You ain't so bad, fer a chinerman." And the Chinese Gunslinger smiles graciously while planning on whether he's going to piss or shit in the white gunslinger's stew later. You know! A fun comic book!

Oh shit! I just had an Asian-American Doll moment! I didn't mean for the comic book to sound like it was a white guy named General Calamity and a Chinese guy named "Wonton" Violence! Man, my cynicism almost failed me but I caught it just in time! Although, fuck me, it's a good idea! "So, you're name is Wonton Violence, hunh?" "No, it is 'Wanton' Violence,' you ignorant cocksucker!" Of course, Wanton Violence delivers his line over a smoking pistol and the corpse of the ignorant cocksucker.

What does "just this side of binary code" mean? Are her spells just long strings of either Eye of Newt or Toe of Frog? TOE EYE TOE TOE EYE EYE TOE TOE TOE EYE EYE TOE TOE TOE TOE EYE TOE EYE EYE TOE EYE EYE TOE EYE TOE EYE EYE TOE TOE EYE TOE EYE.

Twat Lobo shoots Zarielle Thane in the face and walks away. I doubt she's dead though because Cullen Bunn gave her a name! She'll be back using Binary Magic!

Next on Twat Lobo's list is a guy named The Businessman. Sounds scary! To get some information on the whereabouts of The Businessman, Twat Lobo interrupts two employees fucking in the middle of the office on everybody's last day.

How does Twat Lobo know she could do better? Or he could do better? Whichever one he was actually talking to. And what does "better" even have to do with it? They just want to fuck before never seeing each other again! What does "better" have to do with it? Unless Twat Lobo knows instinctively how good each of these people are at fucking and he's just trying to hand down some friendly advice so they don't waste their time on awkwardly bad sex.

Up on the 42nd 23rd Floor, Twat Lobo discovers lots of dead security guards and a woman called The Pariah. She's from Xrexia, Czarnia's sister planet (whatever that means). And she's the last of her kind too! I guess that means these two are destined to fuckfight. It's plain to see! Especially if you close the comic book and look at the cover again. Yep! There it is! Fuckfighting right out in the open!

So they fuckfight for a bit with a lot of yakking about how Xrexia was destroyed when Czarnia blew up and how Czarnians and Xrexians are apparently the same species because sister planets and comic books and fuck you and what not.

She obviously doesn't know Twat Lobo very well. He gets a boner every time he kills.

Twat Lobo's kink for killing isn't anything near as strange as The Pariah's kink though.

Eww! Guts turn her on! Gross! She probably uses them like anal beads!

So Xrexia was colonized by anti-Emperor Czarnians and the Emperor was all, "Sure! No problem! Let them go live free from my rule!" You know, the way emperors always do. So understanding. I suppose he couldn't stop the initial batch from fleeing but according to Twat Lobo's recent flashback, the emperor did set up a policy of destroying all ships leaving Czarnia for Xrexia.

Apparently there is one of those ancient prophecies that like to impose themselves on comic book characters. This one states that one day The Pariah and The Lobo would bring back both of their races from ruination! But that can't happen because Twat Lobo has a code and that code says something about how The Pariah has to die for some reason. I guess she's one of the Earth Assassins and she's taking out her competition as well. So I guess she's the one with which Twat Lobo is going to have a tough time dealing!

The Pariah leaves Twat Lobo to heal because she really wants to save the fuck part of the fuckfight for later. After Twat Lobo heals, he finds half of The Businessman crawling for safety. Before Twat Lobo kills him, The Businessman delivers a message from The Pariah: she destroyed Czarnia, you fucking toolbag.

Twat Lobo #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. I remember Real Deal Lobo's name meant something about one who devours one's entrails and thoroughly enjoys it. But Twat Lobo's name is a rank or a position. Has he explained that yet? I'd like him to re-explain it if he did because I missed it. It makes more sense that there is a prophecy about The Lobo and The Pariah if these were positions that existed for centuries on both planets. Anyway, this issue was much better than previous issues, probably because Twat Lobo never said, "Sorry. Not sorry." I hope Sheba returns soon.

Twat Lobo #4

Now I want to draw this one in crayon too!

I've always believed that who we are doesn't really change all that much over the course of our lives. A few years ago, my dad gave me some copies of my elementary school report cards. Most of you reading this don't know me at all but I assure you that thirty seven years later, Mrs. McFarland's assessment of me in kindergarten still rings true.

11-9-76: Tess is a fine boy. He does have his 'problems' but I see progress every day. He has an excellent mind.
1-28-77: Tess continues to make great progress. He is entering into nearly all activities willingly now.
4-14-77: Tess has days when his 'mood' affects the way he participates.

Mrs. McFarland gave me a minus (which isn't good!) in the following categories:

Interacts positively with others.
Accepts guidance from others when necessary.
Feels good about himself.
Has self-discipline.
Is emotionally able to cope with problems.
Demonstrates an attempt to solve his own problems.
Uses time to his advantage.

You know what? Fuck you, Mrs. McFarland! How dare you judge me, you cantankerous old cow!

Actually, I really liked her! I remember spending an awful lot of time sitting alone while everybody else engaged in some activity or another. I did like playing in the sandbox with the rubber animals, lying on my blanket during naptime, going across the first grade playground to play in the padded gymnastics room, and playing "Button, Button, Who's Got the Button?" My best friend (and possibly only friend in kindergarten) was a girl named Judy. I remember stacking blocks with her but not much else.

Lately, Twat Lobo and Superman have been having some problems. They just don't seem to like each other much.

Who fucking made you king of the world?!

Fucking illegal aliens! Come to this planet and start acting like they own the thing! What gives Superman more right to be on Earth than Twat Lobo? Simply because he was here twenty something years before Twat Lobo?! Superman's just as bad as every other immigrant that ever came to the shores of America slightly before every other immigrant!

Twat Lobo wants to shoot Superman in the face but his three anchors tell him it's a bad idea. The bald anchor with the handlebar mustache references an old fucking song about how you don't tug on Superman's cape and you don't spit into the wind and you don't do a bunch of other things and you don't mess around with Jim. Or Superman. Unless he's referencing Rapper's Delight by The Sugar Hill Gang but I think that one just insults the fuck out of Superman.

Instead of throwing Twat Lobo off the planet again, Superman probably realizes he's being a controlling douche and decides to talk it out with Twat Lobo. I think they'll be best friends in no time! Even though Twat Lobo is an imbecile who constantly says "Sorry Not Sorry," he actually seems more inclined to compromise than Real Deal Lobo the Original and One and Only Lobo. That Lobo constantly got his ass kicked whenever he came to Earth, so Twat Lobo has the right idea making friends with Superman.

Twat Lobo tells Superman that he's after some guy named Snake Omega and that Snake is going to use the Planet Earth as a bullet to kill some other alien that Snake has a contract for.

At first I thought those were potatoes but I think this giant space guy just shits where he stands and lets his turds float off.

Twat Lobo should be the one using the planet Earth as ammunition! He shouldn't be an inadvertent super hero helping to save the planet! This is one of the things I hate about Twat Lobo! Even though it's a good idea that he buddies up to Superman, I still hate him for being a weak-willed asshole! Tell Superman to fuck off, ya big wuss!

Superman and Twat Lobo decide to work together to capture Snake Omega before Earth blasts its way through some alien's skull. While they search for Snake Omega, Twat Lobo decides to have a flashback.

In his flashback, Twat Lobo's world of Czarnia is falling down around him as the citizens go crazy. Twat Lobo and the princess are the only ones not infected yet so Twat Lobo says not to touch anybody since they don't know how the sickness spreads. He then immediately sticks his fingers into the eyes of an attacker. I bet he rubs his face with that hand before washing it!

Back in the present, the team-up isn't going so well.

Just suck each other's dick and get it over with.

Twat Lobo isn't able to kill Snake Omega in front of Superman because Superman has a planet sized stick up his ass. So instead, Twat Lobo's pals plant a bomb on Snake Omega's escape ship and he blows up later. Superman once more tells Twat Lobo to leave Earth, Twat Lobo promises to leave, Superman flies off, and Twat Lobo goes back to hunting Earth killers. That Superman! What a naive jerk!

Twat Lobo #4 Rating: No change. I liked the cover although it should have had more dicks in more mouths. And I liked the idea of using Earth as a bullet to assassinate some space giant. Especially if that space giant had been Oracle! I don't mind losing an Earth to kill that idiotic character.

Twat Lobo #3

"With friends like these..." what?! Readers will become fucking bored and this comic book will fail spectacularly?!

Twat Lobo reminds me that I should be putting more effort into my writing. Maybe I should craft actual jokes instead of spewing the kind of nonsense that drama geeks find hilarious. You know those kinds of jokes, right? The ones where somebody says a non sequitor in a passable Groucho Marks voice and everybody loses their shit. And then Mary says, "Mark, you are so funny!" And everybody agrees, "Yes! Yes! Mark is so funny!" Then they all spend the next hour talking about how problematic Timothy has been lately and how they can't stand visiting his Facebook page and seeing that they still have five mutual friends with him. Ugh! Have they not yet heard the story about how Mindy gently called out his mild ableism and he got upset and refused to apologize? She was just trying to help him! And now Mindy is suffering from a mild case of PTSD where she's fearful of being yelled at when correcting other people's social missteps. Oh, and did you see that episode of Buffy from 1997 where they dealt with homophobia? Oh my god, that show was so far ahead of its time! I'm always so shocked when an old person, like in their thirties, is actually, like, a decent person! It must have been so hard growing up in such a misogynistic, racist, homophobic, ableist, gender-coded time as the eighties!

I just ate a whole bag of Moose Munch! I wonder if that would have been enough of a story to get its own subplot in Degrassi Junior High. "Did you hear? Stephanie ate a whole bag of Moose Munch. All by herself!" "No! I could see her brother, Broomhead, doing that. But Steph?! How is she going to fit into her whore clothes?!" "Oh! Um, Steph! We didn't see you there in the stall! Now my party will be ruined!"

How do I segue from that to Twat Lobo? Was that good enough?

This issue begins with a flashback to Twat Czarnia where Twat Lobo is in charge of protecting the Twat Emperor from Twat Rebels. I guess life on Czarnia is just like life everywhere else. A few enjoy the resources of the planet while the majority struggle to eke out a life hardly worth living.

Is that a challenge, Twat Emperor?!

The Emperor has a bit of a Real Deal Lobo feel to him! I think it's the healing factor. And the sideburns! We now have an explanation for Real Deal Lobo's healing factor (I mean besides the Magenta Timeline Explanation from Stormwatch that I don't think counts for this timeline). A Czarnian that drinks of the Holy Sacrament gains the power to heal from all wounds. Or most wounds. Although I'm hoping they heal from all wounds so that Real Lobo will eventually come back to take over this book from Twat Lobo.

Will Real Deal Really Real Lobo come back for Confluence?!

Is that supposed to be an insult against Microsoft? I think the otherworldly language thing kind of eases the sting.

Twat Lobo is currently hunting some guy named Double-Zero that can phase through walls. He looks like a Big Daddy because why shouldn't an alien's spacesuit look like a nineteenth century diving suit? A whole race of aliens based their energy batteries on railroad lanterns.

Twat Lobo can't beat this guy because the guy is faster than Twat Lobo. Oh yeah, also: he can phase. I suppose Twat Lobo had to battle somebody he couldn't beat alone so that his new crew didn't just seem like extra baggage. Even though they are.

All alien tech should look like remnants from Earth. Just like all those fucking aliens generally have Latin based names!

Emily, the small one that's probably the most expertest expert of computers that ever existed, cracks the computer's code (because she's also quite good with alien languages and alphabets, I guess) and screws up Double-Zero's suit so that he gets locked in mid-phase. Twat Lobo kills him and lets him know that he, Twat Lobo, is the only one of them that's killed a world. Are you sure, Twat Lobo? Are you sure it wasn't Real Deal Lobo that actually destroyed Czarnia?

Here's more of Twat Lobo's Code, just in case anybody is making a list. I know I'm not. No reason to. As soon as fans call Cullen Bunn out for screwing up and making Twat Lobo do something that he said was against the Code in an earlier appearance, Cullen Bunn will just write a page where Twat Lobo admits to making up the rules as he goes to justify his behavior.

The fifth victim on their list is Snake Omega. They think he might be hiding out in Metropolis. And you know what that means?! Lois Lane is going to get a scoop!

Twat Lobo #3 Rating: No change. I hate the character but I could probably enjoy the comic book if there were more to it than Twat Lobo gets a job to hunt down eight mercs. How many times do I have to point out that the "13 Ghosts of Scooby Doo" story arc is the easiest plot to write? It's why I based Dwarf Lover on it! The flashback stuff is beginning to get interesting, especially if Twat Emperor turns out to be Real Deal Lobo! And even if he doesn't, Real Deal Lobo should be appearing in the flashbacks soon. Possibly as the leader of the rebel forces. Or maybe just as some loony nutball psychopath.

Twat Lobo #2

This cover says, "Are you ready to be bored by whatever is going on here? A barbecuing accident, maybe? I don't know. Whatever."

Last issue, Twat Lobo killed the first of eight demolition specialists that have been paid a good deal of money to destroy Florida. I guess it's one of those "whoever destroys it first gets the money" kind of contracts. You know, the kind assassins and mercenaries love to take on so much because they have so much time to waste trying to complete a job that they might never get paid for. In this issue, Twat Lobo will probably kill one more of his targets. It might prove to be a little challenging in the first third of the book but then he'll pull it off in the end and cut off somebody's head while saying, "Sorry. Not sorry." Then I'll put the comic book down, go into the bathroom, vomit up my dinner, take off all of my clothes, sit in the shower, and cry for three hours.

How are they supposed to look Florida in the eye before destroying it? Of course they're using technology to do the job! What kind of demolition specialist punches a structure into rubble?

I'm pretty good at deciphering texts when they're simple substitutions. But this one where every letter is a skull and crossbones could prove impossible. I'm going to try anyway!

Grunt Brother #1: "You are loving a cow!"
Grunt Brother #2: "Who fucked a sheep?"
Grunt Brother #3: "Bovine!"
Grunt Brother #2: "Bessie!"
Grunt Brother #1: "Eww..."
Grunt Brother #2: "Who?"

Before Twat Lobo kills the next three of his targets (although I'm assuming they only count as one and his contact lied about his contract), he does admit that these guys would have a hard time looking Florida in the eye. Florida the state! Not Florida Evans the strong yet loving mother of three.

Just count these guys as three of the eight! The contract was for eight kills. Twat Lobo is going to get a reputation for being a chump. I hope.

I have absolutely no feelings for this character. It's just a pale imitation of one of DC's preboot characters. He's fucking annoying. And everybody that is attracted to him can jump in front of three buses. You're ruining comic books by supporting this bullshit.

Twat Lobo climbs out of the ancient cave with thousand year old drawings by an alien race on the walls and exits through a portable toilet. Because that's exactly how those things work! They're just big plastic rectangles positioned over deep holes cut down into the earth. He takes the world destroying device with him and heads back to his stupid looking circle cycle. That's where he finds three new characters that insist they're going to be his partners.

If I were Cullen Bunn and I were given this assignment, I would want to shoot myself in the face every time I used that phrase.

Twat Lobo's new partners are Rave, Luna, and Emily. They're sure to become the next big hits in the world of comic book fandoms! But first they need more fleshed out personalities than bald mustache guy, cowboy hat wearing bad ass, and short person. Oh, who am I kidding? This is a comic book! Those are perfectly acceptable personalities.

Twat Lobo has a flashback which shows him as a lover and a protector and an all around perfect twat. We hates him.

Twat Lobo and his new team kill the third target in Shanghai. He's a robot that enjoys wearing human skin. Now that's a great personality! Too bad he's dead now. He was the best character in the book so far. His plan to destroy Florida was to cause a zombie apocalypse. Which he started before Twat Lobo could kill him. So now this book just got super exciting because it's zipping right down the zeitgeist freeway! Zombies! That has to be an exciting comic book seller, right? Look at how well The Walking Dead is doing and that's totally all about zombies! Twat Lobo is going to make DC scads of cash!

I bet Cullen Bunn's script just read: "Page 17: Lobo battles zombies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Another thing Twat Lobo does that is getting increasingly more annoying: he keeps mentioning The Code. Nice easy parameters for Cullen Bunn to build the motivations behind the character.

Nerdgasm.com: "Tell us about Lobo, Mr. Bunn."
Cullen Bun: "He's a bad ass that can kill anything but he has his limits!"
Nerdgasm.com: "What are those limits?"
Cullen Bunn: "Well, they're parts of The Code!"
Nerdgasm.com: "What's the code?"
Cullen Bunn: "You'll find out as the comic book progresses! Whenever I need to limit Lobo or set up a situation to challenge him, I'll think up new parts of The Code!"
Nerdgasm.com: "So you don't believe in writing a fully realized character then? Just a version of the real Lobo that takes direction from a set of rules you make up on the fly to direct the plot?"
Cullen Bunn: "Fuck you! Your stupid ass website is name Nerdgasm! Assholes."

Twat Lobo and his new partners defeat the zombies. Afterward, Twat Lobo doesn't kill his new partners. I can't wait until Rave, Luna, and Emily become Heroclix. They're going to be so popular! Emily even said, "Taste hot, melty death!" That's like a totally whimsical thing a teenager would say, right? And Luna said, "My bad!" Ha ha! Who says that for real, right? "My bad!" Such a hoot! And did you see Rave's handlebar mustache?! Ah ha ha! What a cut up!

Twat Lobo #2 Rating: No change. It wasn't bad enough to lower its rank. But I'm not enjoying it at all either. This is the worst fucking character since Vibe.

Twat Lobo #1

Should I take a sharpie and add "Twat" to all of the Lobo covers?

When a comic book company is launching a new title, you assume they have plenty of time to come up with the perfect font for the title. Something that encapsulates the identity of the title character emblazoned across the front of their comic! Something that screams, "Do you love Lobo? Well then you'll love Lobo!" Or something. This title just looks like the graphic designer couldn't be bothered to put any time into it because she was headed off to lunch. It looks like a kindergartner wrote it and did that thing where they didn't realize they were going to run out of room so they had to make the letters progressively smaller. I'm surprised that last "O" isn't sideways down the right side of the cover. It also could have been designed by a junior high school boy on his Pee Chee folder in the middle of Algebra, adding hooks to make it look more metal. So in conclusion, I think this font design fits Twat Lobo perfectly well. It's all style with no substance. It's a logo that says, "Sorry. Not Sorry."

This might be the only time I'll ever say this but here it goes: "I wish Ann Nocenti were writing this comic book." Cullen Bunn's Sinestro has been a huge snoozefest so far. And even if this is Twat Lobo whom I hate with the hatred of eleven Biblical sons (who would later have to eat tons and tons of crow and probably even learn how to speak Egyptian) towards the twelfth, I still want this book to be entertaining. Maybe Cullen Bunn has the chops to pull it off. I don't know having only read his Sinestro comic book which, I think it bears repeating, is a huge snoozefest. If this were written by Ann Nocenti, at least I'd be entertained by how horribly written it was! Plus I hate Twat Lobo, so I would receive ample amounts of amusement from his being written poorly.

This first page loses a little something when you know Twat Lobo is talking to the decapitated head of Lobo™ due to DC Comics' earlier advertisements for the series.

So Cullen Bunn decides to dispense with the big battle between Twat Lobo and Lobo™ because...I don't know the because of that. Because too many people were looking forward to it? Because he didn't have a clever way of letting Twat Lobo beat the Lobo™ that everybody knows should win the fight? Because it's old history that has nothing to do with his run as a writer of Twat Lobo, so why give it any time? Because doing it this way makes Twat Lobo look like more of a bad-ass because he easily defeated Lobo™ in the negative space between comic books? I guess I don't really care since I hate the whole idea of Twat Lobo anyway.

I suppose Bunn will need to explain all of this eventually (and probably right here very soon in the first issue! To, you know, get it out of the way and all). My guess is that Czarnians have some ability to grow a whole new self from just a piece of their original selves (but probably not a whole new person from every drop of blood like in the Preboot days) and Lobo™ probably grew from Twat Lobo's detached penis or testicles which is why he's such a raging ball of testosterone. Then Lobo™ did all the stuff that we know Lobo™ did, like destroy all the Czarnians and befriend space dolphins and travel around the galaxy on a space hog with his dog and a few scattered penguins. Unless the Czarnians aren't all dead like Hawkman and Liefeld and some other comics would have us believe.

A scene from Titanic. I mean, Twat Lobo's boring origin.

Twat Lobo's dream or remembrance or whatever it is changes from Titanic to Day of the Dead as all the Czarnians melt into zombie plague monsters. Then he wakes up because you can't have all the mysteries solved in the first issue!

Twat Lobo makes a scared face proving he's not the real Lobo™.

After Twat Lobo shits himself from scary dreams, he gets paid a visit from Rhialla, the alien who supplies him with his kill contracts. This time she has an old standby plot ready to get him on his way! It's the old "Thirteen Ghosts of Scooby-Doo Special." Except replace "thirteen" with "eight" and "ghosts" with "assassins." Twat Lobo must kill eight of the universe's most deadly assassins before they can kill one target on Earth that they're all hunting. Rhialla pretends she doesn't know the target and that it doesn't matter. I have a feeling it is going to matter! Maybe the target is Supergirl because Twat Lobo has a history with her.

For hating someplace so vehemently, Twat Lobo sure utilizes a lot of its cliche similes. And, um, a lot of its words!

Twat Lobo begins his hunt with Gus, a mottled blue pornstached Cyclops-glasses wearing tentacle guy. I suppose the next few pages will be filled with lots of gore and "Sorry. Not Sorries."

I think that's a circumcision threat.

Twat Lobo kills a bunch of goons but then tries to surprise everybody by pointing out how he doesn't kill dogs. He also Narration Boxes a bunch of nonsense that reminds me that Sinestro is a huge snoozefest. Finally, he kills Gus and says his catchphrase which I've been waiting on the edge of pins and needles to hear! "Sorry. Not Sorry." So clever!

Remember, kids! If you ever want to make a list of human beings that suck at being human beings, just check the Twitter hashtag "sorrynotsorry". Every name that comes up is a worthless waste of oxygen sucking carbon.

The target is Florida? That's understandable.

I suppose Earth is the actual target so that must mean the Vogons have put up the money for the contract.

Twat Lobo #1 Rating: So far, it's gripped me as well as Sinestro gripped me. So if you want to read a comic book that you'll forget all about as soon as you put it down and were probably thinking about what you were going to do after reading the comic instead of actually paying attention to the comic while reading it, you should read Twat Lobo! Or Sinestro. Whatever.