Titans #11

Mike McKone
Deathstork Jerking Off Nightwing 2017
Pencils on paper
26.01 x 16.84 cm (10.24 x 6.63 in)

I stopped reading Titans because I'm bored of comic books about friends with enormous thighs on their too-long legs stuffed into helter-skelter panel boxes. But since my favorite amoral loner has decided he needs to crossover with the Titans so he can remind himself how much fun it was to beat their asses, I suppose I'll give it one more try. But only for this issue! Just know I'm risking falling into a terrible existential depression by looking at Brett Booth's art! Although it might be worth it just for this McKone cover that no art editor at DC looked at or knew how to answer the question, "Why is this picture making me feel all warm in the nether regions?"

Holy shit. Immediately, I hate myself for picking up this comic book. On the first fucking page, Brett Booth is still fucking making references to Pizza Fish. That was like the second or third reason I stopped reading this stupid fucking comic book. Just after "The art is terrible" and "This art is so fucking terrible."

Hurry! Somebody get Garth some water! And a bra!

I guess everything that happened to the Titans pre-New 52 that they've just recently remembered happens in Hatton Corners. Ravager dies of a heart attack while trying to kill the Teen Titans. Deathstork arrives to tell the son he treated like shit for the last decade and a half that the Teen Titans are dead. Ravager dies happy for some reason. I guess he wanted to kill the Teen Titans so that his father would be proud of him. Deathstork doesn't tell him he loves him but he does kind of hug him. Unless he's actually squeezing him so hard that he dies from a lack of oxygen which then gives Deathstork a reason to kill the Titans (and also gets his pain in the ass son out of his life).

Welcome to Illogical and Nonsensical Plot Motivation Comics!

Here we see another prime example of why I stopped reading a comic book about these Teen Titans. The only time they ever battle a super villain is when the super villain brings the battle to them. They've never once saved the world except when saving themselves just happened to also save the world. But in those situations, the world was in trouble because the Teen Titans existed. I'm only currently reading the other Teen Titans book because Damian Wayne is leading them.

The initial scene was Slade dreaming before waking up from a corneal transplant. So now he's not blind in his good eye anymore although I bet his body is still being ravaged by cancer caused by his radiation poisoning. At least he didn't become young and obsessed with this testicles again.

Now that he's awake and he can see, Slade decides it's time to go kill the Titans due to their not having done anything. Good. They totally deserve it.

Meanwhile in New York, Omen shows off her inability to understand secret identities.

Ixnay on the ickday and allyway! You're surrounded by bad guys and pizza fish adverts, dum-dum!

Wally West disappears in the space between panels because Deathstork is just that good and Dan Abnett is just that lazy. Deathstork wants to make a deal with Wally West but he doesn't explain himself yet. First he has to pretend that he cared about Grant so that Wally West feels sympathy for him.

Meanwhile back at Titans Tower East, Tempest tries to participate in the team brainstorming session but everybody just shits all over him. Get used to it, Mini-Aquaman! You'll never be respected by your peers!

Maybe if you would stop using his real name and social security number around villains, Dick wouldn't hate your guts and might want to share the truth with you.

Slade wants to go back in time to, presumably, save his son Grant. I think he just wants to go back in time to shit all over him one last time. But Wally West refuses to time travel for Slade. He's all, "Time travel is bad and we don't do it anymore! Why do you think the Cosmic Treadmill is still safe in storage on the Justice League Watchtower and totally not being used irresponsibly by anybody right now at all?" But Slade is all, "If you won't help save my son whom I don't care about at all but feel pretty guilty about the way I treated him and how he died and maybe I loved him in my own way and tried to make him a man but he needed my love more than he needed to be a responsible adult and so he got himself killed and I sort of regret it then maybe Kid Flash will help me!" As if Kid Flash can time travel!

Ugh. I can't wait until this story is over and Deathstork can get back to staying within the pages of his own comic book where there's a distinct lack of nonsense and Brett Booth art.

Titans #4

If you added a "His" to this title, it could anagram into "shitstain." Apt?

Brett Booth's art is terrible. Why are so many people fooled into thinking he knows how to draw? I suppose if he were drawing people with blood clots in their thighs, causing the painful retention of blood and water in their massively expanding legs, I could see how he was doing a good job. In the early stages of The New 52, his style didn't bother me. I might have even mentioned liking it once or twice because I'm more apt to appreciate cartoony comic book art than art that verges on the realistic. But I think somewhere along the way, he noticed people were raving about Kenneth Rocafort's comic book style. Now Booth's panel layouts are all over the place. It's so punk rock! Here's a simple hint that your comic book art is terrible: if the best compliment people can give it is that it's "dynamic," you're art is shit. Now, I don't know that people describe Booth's art as dynamic but I'd agree with that assessment. It's pretty fucking out of control and all over the fucking page. Plus, he fills a lot of space with clouds and dust which presume movement (dynamism!) but are really just a lazy way to cover up that boring background art.

So anyway, Wally West is back in the Titans and a lot of people are thrilled. I think. I'm annoyed because did the DC Universe really need another speedster? Nobody knows how to write a good Speedster comic book. Here's the first page as evidence:

Take his wand, Wally. Take it. Go super fast and take it. See when he says, "Oh"? Take the wand now! Dammit, stop hesitating. Now he's saying "but"! Take the wand! Take it! Take...you idiot! Okay, you've still got a chance! He's now saying "yes!" So much time in the space of that word for a speedster to take the wand out of Kadabra's hand and shove it up his pee hole. But does Wally take the opportunity? Nope. Maybe he'll finally superspeed into success while Kadabra says, "She's gone, Mr. West! Ppof! Your precious Linda Park has vanished before your very eyes!" No, wait, he didn't do it. See that second "POP!"? Kadabra's gone!

Some of you fuckwits will rationalize why Wally doesn't act in what is practically a decade of time from his perspective because you're puppets of your fandom. You could never utter a bad word against the character who you love so much you've drawn a terrible line drawing of him naked that you keep tucked inside your pillow case so that you can masturbate over him every night and fall asleep in your soggy sheets dreaming of his spectacular big thighed body. You're probably thinking about how traumatized poor Wally is having just seen his lover disappear right in front of him. He was too stunned to act! He was in shock! Or maybe he was too stupid to stop Linda Park from being kidnapped by Kadabra since Wally West had this exact same amount of time to stop Kadabra from taking Linda at the end of the last issue. I suppose he was too busy trying to hide his Linda Park Boner to save her that time, right?

Nothing is instantaneous (especially not villainous speeches directed at the hero) but, somehow, in Speedster comic books, the reader is constantly asked to believe that people can get the drop on a Speedster. Even if we theorize Wally West has two modes, Regular Speed and Speed Force Speed, I still can't believe that somebody can get the drop on him while he's at normal speed. If I can punch the face of a person who startles me from behind then Wally West can drop into Speed Force Speed just as quickly. And once he's gone speedy, nobody can do anything that Wally West doesn't want them to do. He should never say, "But I'm not fast enough." I never want to hear that coming from a Speedster. Unless, of course, the Speedster is fighting one of the infinite evil Speedsters that are all always faster than the good Speedster so that the story has some kind of fake dramatic tension.

Wally goes on to explain how Kadabra's "techno-magic" made Linda Park disappear right in front of him and he wasn't fast enough. I would totally accept that if what happened was she was there and then suddenly she wasn't there. But what happened was Kadabra teleported in, said a whole bunch of shit, and teleported out. And now the same exact crap is going on as Kadabra teleports around while speaking and Wally isn't fast enough to catch him. I guess Kadabra is saying everything in a nearly instantaneous burst of noise which Wally can hear as normal speech due to being in Speed Force Speed.

This should be the mantra of every member of every incarnation of every team of Titans ever.

Abra Kadabra calls Flash by his name, Mr. West, so I guess Flash's secret identity isn't a thing. I know some heroes don't give a shit about secret identities which, you would think, would ruin it for everybody. Because it can't be that difficult, with a little time and research, to begin matching up all of the regular people Wally West hangs out with and then matching them up with the people they hang out with before a pattern begins to develop. Wally to Dick to Bruce. Wally to Roy to Oliver to Dinah to Barbara to Bruce. Wally to Garth to Arthur. Although Arthur doesn't have a secret identity either, right? It's just nobody on the Justice League wants to hang out with Aquaman on off hours, so Arthur Curry can't be linked to any of the other Justice League members' secret identities.

Linda Park is such a fat ass. Look at that! No thigh gap!

I'm not sure, by the size of Brett Booth's character's thighs, he could draw a woman with a thigh gap. I guess that's one positive thing I can say about his art!

Kadabra's plan is to destroy Wally West. He thinks that's a magic trick. He also thinks, if we allow him the benefit of the doubt that it is a magic trick, that anybody will be interested in the trick. I mean anybody besides me! Because, let's face it, The Titans haven't actually existed before this in this reality. So nobody will give a shit about them. And if people assume that these Titans are the same as those Teen Titans that went around causing chaos and mayhem and breaking into prisons and helping escaped convicts remain free, then...okay, maybe people will enjoy that trick if they think that.

Abra Kadabra is just being used by The Watchmen, though, to try to tie up all of the loose ends from the Preboot Universe that have wormed their way into The New 52 universe (which has now been rebranded the Rebirth universe but is still exactly the same as The New 52 universe only with more idiot readers who fell for the rebranding and are super excited about that thing they recently despised). To be fair, the Rebirth universe is actually completely different than The New 52 universe because the writers have a mandate to make the characters say things that aren't true about the Rebirth universe but, if said enough, will become true to the audience.

Like here. Wally declares the Titans are his oldest and best friends. Maybe to Wally but they hardly remember him! Except they totally remember him and their New 52 lives because fuck you. Also, Dick tells Wally he loves him which totally isn't true because Dick barely knows him. And he tells Lilith that she's always been a Titan even though he didn't know she existed before a few issues ago. Except, I guess, he completely remembers Wally and Lilith and all of his Preboot memories. So look for Dick Grayson to be in an insane asylum in a few issues. Probably along with the rest of these characters (and Wonder Woman!) who suddenly have to remember various incarnations of themselves because DC's editors have sucked at their jobs for thirty years now.

Think about how badly DC knew they screwed up with The New 52 by the second year in. They thought divesting all of their characters with their decades of past, crazy history would make for an interesting project. But by two years in, they desperately felt the characters needed more history to them and so they pulled that fucking terrible Futures End crap. They thought injecting five years of fake history into the characters would make the characters interesting and yet they just discarded fifty years of actual stories for their new project. They were desperate to inject something more than the present into these characters. They were devoid of the drama of past history and relationships so DC tries to fill that void with prognostications of their futures. Which is the dumbest thing to do because now instead of creating tension and drama, you've locked your characters into a path that leads them to their stupid Futures End future. DC realized their mistake at some point and decided to pull the whole Conversion thing as a bit of legerdemain as they threw out most of the Futures End stuff and tried to forge a new path into the New 52. That, of course, failed as well and the only thing they had left was the emergency chute: bring back Wally West to show they mean to change things back. But in the meantime, blame most of the mistakes on the audience by making The New 52 the fault of the Watchmen (get it? The watchers! The readers!) but pretend that the Watchmen actually represent the editors who really should take all of the blame but DC only really blames them in a wink, wink, tongue-in-cheek manner. DC fucking hates everybody reading their comic books. The contempt shows in every editorial fuck up they bumble into.

This page could have been replaced by a Polaroid of Dan Abnett jerking himself off and I wouldn't have noticed the difference.

Where the fuck did Tempest come up with that time table? Is that how long the Find the Lady vaudeville act usually lasted? Oh, and remember what I said about Booth's penchant for dust and steam? You can practically hear Brett Booth moaning, "Fuck these skyscrapers. STEAM!" The bottom panel of this same page (not scanned) has no background except gray expanse and steam or dust or farts. Whatever.

Oh! And also, just in case you didn't remember that the Titans are lifelong friends who totally didn't just learn of each other's existence about three days previously, Donna Troy reminds everybody. Hey Donna Troy? Have you told them that you're a golem created to destroy the Amazons who has also become The Three Fates? Can't you use your ability to see everybody's destinies and tell them all where Linda Park is?

I love that Donna Troy, here in Rebirth, already has a terminally fucked up and confusing backstory.

Wally thinks, "At first I think, I don't deserve friends like this. Then I think, I'd do the same for them." We get it, Dan. Jesus fucking Christ. They're best friends! Friendship wins! Friends friends friends friends friends friends friends! This shit is sappier than fucking Lumberjanes.

Kadabra has shown the Titans three locations across the city where Linda Park might be so they split up to check those locations. Haven't these idiots ever heard of Three Card Monty? None of the cards are the card you're looking for! Plus, he's a magician! Figure out where he might be thematically! Don't trust he's appearing at a Gymnasium or a Keymart! I mean, maybe he is performing at a Keymart because he's a shit magician. But even then, it would be from 2-4 on Sunday afternoon.

Kadabra doubles the power of his puppets so that they're twice as powerful as the Titans. If he has that kind of power, why is he taking so long to destroy the Titans? He can make people with super powers! He can...wait a second. What does it mean to double Nightwing's powers? Does that mean he's an even better friend than Dick Grayson?

I'll let the rabble make the ass jokes.

Fuck you.

If Wally West obliterates you in the future, how did you come back from the future to stop Wally from obliterating you? And if that's just one possibility and you came back from a future where he didn't obliterate you, why come back at all? Kadabra mentioned earlier he's the greatest magician on all worlds. Why not pick a world that hasn't realized he's a greedy prat and just live there? Comic book time travel is always the worst. Why not have Kadabra come from the future because it's easier to rob banks in the past? Why not have him come from the future to steal shit that will be valuable in the future so he can take it back and sell it to make his fortune? Why not have him do anything except change the past so the future is different? Who fucking cares?! If you can time travel and you hate your lot in life in the present (of your future!), why not fucking go forward in time to start again?!

So the Titans go about town fighting the puppet Titans. It's super exciting.

Here. Have some disgusting thighs and terrible repartee while I finish reading this shit.

Kadabra explains to Linda Park that if Wally West "accelerates too fast, he loses himself." So I guess that's the excuse for why he can't be super fast enough to stop somebody when they're talking? He has to warm up the engines and go from zero to light speed in a reasonable amount of time? Apparently that amount of time is too reasonable and anybody can beat his ass then. Except later Kadabra just mentions that it happens when he runs too fast. So which is it? Is it too much of a top speed that causes him to become unbound in the universe or is it too much acceleration? Either way, it's an arbitrary limit that just makes The Flash useless whenever a writer needs him to be useless. Because now he has to be fast enough to stop the criminal but not too fast or he'll disappear from the universe. Which means...well, it means nothing. It just means the writer has some kind of excuse to keep Wally West from being invincible.

The Titans all fail against the Titan puppets which must be truly humiliating. Wally has to save them all but Kadabra has another trick up his dick: he sends them all to different cities so that The Flash has to run all over saving them! I mean, he sent one group to Coast City and the others to Metropolis and Gotham which are basically right next door to each other anyway. But the issue is that The Flash will have to run super fast to save them all and we just learned what will happen then! The Flash will get lost in infinity! Or something.

The Review
Terrible. It's possible the writing isn't as bad as I believe it is because I'm in a pretty foul mood having to look at Brett Booth's art throughout the story. But I'm fairly certain the writing is that bad because on the final page, Wally West Narration Boxes, "His techno-magic is faster than thought." That's not a thing. See, Kadabra has to think a thought to get the techno-magic to do the thing, so it's at least slower than thought. But let's pretend it's pre-programmed to be faster than thought anyway. Thought isn't really all that fast. Here's the thing. If the Flash runs at superspeed, his ability to think has to be faster than a regular person's ability to think or else he couldn't navigate while running. Hell, he probably shouldn't be able to see very well while running and he certainly shouldn't be able to hear other people talking to him while running faster than the speed of sound. And people shouldn't be able to hear what he...sorry! I've gone off track. Anyway, a common way to beat The Flash in old DC Comics was to have him go up against psychics like Grodd because their thoughts were faster than his speed ability. Again, though, total nonsense. I'll admit that if Grodd blasted The Flash with his psionics while The Flash wasn't paying attention, it would work wonderfully. But if The Flash survived the blast, it would be over for Grodd. Unless Grodd didn't need to be nearby and only needed to think his psychic thoughts without directing them. But then who could stand against Grodd anyway?! Maybe Doctor Fate!

Um, anyway, I didn't like this issue or this series, so it's gone. Off the list! Even if it's going to be a linchpin series in the whole Watchmen fucking with the DC Universe story, I have to drop it. There are just way too many bad ideas in it and it's trying way too hard to replace New 52 continuity for whatever the fuck the characters say enough times to convince readers. I'll pass.

Legends of Tomorrow #6: Firestorm!

This was my favorite song and dance number from last year's Gay Grammys. Was that redundant?

A friend posted a thing on Facebook about how the electoral college makes a person's vote in Wyoming more valuable than a person's vote in California. One of their friends responded, "So.......You support mob rule?" And the person wasn't being funny at all! Do they not understand how democracy works?! Democracy is mob rule! Except with courts to tell the mob they're being assholes. And then those assholes tell the courts to go fuck themselves because they're against the will of the mob! Then everything breaks down and the barbarians come!

Plus there's probably something to say about the tyranny of minorities and majorities and how some stupid piece of paper that holds people in its thrall somehow keeps any of those things from happening through pure belief in its power. Or something.

That has nothing to do with Firestorm. It might have something to do with The Metal Men though! Especially the way Doc Magnus rules the roost like some common fascist dictator with a penchant for shoving things in his ass. That was probably redundant (as is my joke about something being redundant. Nothing more redundant than that! Although if you didn't appreciate it, you can print it out and shove it up your ass like some fascist dictator attending the Gay Grammys).

My back still hurts and I haven't been to the comic book store yet. This week is the first week in nearly five years that I won't be picking up every DC comic. I've cut down the list so I can have more time to read things that I want to read. And also to play more Overwatch. Probably a little more of one than the other. Just pretend the more heavily weighted one is the more intellectual of the two options. It's not but, for my brain's self-esteem's sake, please pretend with me. I keep telling my brain that if it gets better at playing Winston, I'll let it reread the entire works of Shakespeare. It's trying so hard to figure out that damn monkey now!

The Firestorm Commentary!
This issue begins with something happening that probably could have used some kind of Content Warning.

Judging by the exaggerated expressions of shock, something sexual has to be taking place.

The Professor's advice is to do something. Jason Rausch's advice is actual helpful advice that could save Firestorm's bunghole virginity for Jason to get at later. I mean it could save Firestorm's life. I think we all know which two halves of Firestorm are destined to merge forever. That old white fart is no help to anybody. He probably doesn't even know how to erotically manipulate a prostate.

Multiplex's Quantum Field Generator continues to distort reality in the way a Quantum Field Generator never actually would. I mean, I know I don't have any idea what a Quantum Field Generator is, or what it might actually do. But I'm certain in the exact way I'm certain that God doesn't exist that it would not create monster flies, Cybornetic beings, and spider dinosaurs. Those of you who believe in God are probably thinking, "What's so improbable about spider dinosaurs?!"

Here's an additional fact about my atheism: not believing in God doesn't mean I think I know how everything came about, or how it's always existed, or never existed and then suddenly did exist. I'm comfortable not needing to make up a reason for my own existence, or a nonsensical starting point for everything. I just know that the answer to it all is not a magical man in the sky who hates homosexuality. Come to think of it, it's also not a magical woman in the sky who hates homosexuality. It's also not a magical non-gendered immortal and omnipotent being who neither loves nor hates homosexuality. And it definitely isn't any being of any kind who loves homosexuality! Unless the creator of the universe is Firestorm! Oh man! That would be a great revelation to the character. Firestorm is God! Or at least he's made in God's image. God is probably a merger of all of the Gods ever worshiped. Of course, the Christian God is the body. I mean, duh!

Firestorm's current dilemma is that General Eiling is going to bomb Multiplex's Quantum Field Generator which would be a huge disaster for obvious reasons. I mean, the reasons aren't really obvious but that's what happens when you base the conflict on some technobabble that nobody could possibly understand. The writer gets to tell the audience that something super bad is going to happen and the audience just has to accept it. In comic books, it's always easy to use quantum bullshit or nanotechfucktology because nobody reading comic books is smart enough to argue against it.

Professor Stein continues to be no help while Jason does all the heavy lifting, telepathically linked to Firestorm. Hopefully everybody realizes that Ronnie and Jason are meant to be Firestorm. I mean fuck buddies. No wait. I had it right the first time. And the second time too!

Ronnie's first coach sounds like a cliché spouting jackass.

You think I'm done with that whole "Was that redundant?" thing yet? Well I'm not! That last caption was probably redundant!

I should probably accept that a Quantum Field Generator is simply Gerry Conway's version of the Hitchhiker's Improbability Drive. That might not have made sense but at least it was clever!

While Jason takes care of General Eiling's bombers through technological shenanigannery, Firestorm attempts to close in on the Quantum Field Generator so Professor Stein can identify the off switch. But Ronnie's having trouble because getting through the reality distortion field is like "swatting wasps in a hurricane--they just keep coming!" First off, I think if you're in a hurricane and you're swatting wasps, you've probably lost your mind. First off, why are you still in a hurricane? You should have fucking evacuated instead of causing future problems for first responders when they have to pull your corpse out of a palm tree. And second of all, why the fuck are you swatting at wasps?! Jesus Christ! Those things will fuck you up! Forget the hurricane! There's never a good time to fucking swat at wasps, you idiot! I have lost all faith in Firestorm. This is what happens when you teach your young men in nothing but sports platitudes.

Because there are so many Multiplexes, Ronnie decides to unFirestorm. So instead of hundreds against one of the most powerful superheroes in the DC Universe, it'll be hundreds against an old man and a high school quarterback. Great plan! I mean, seriously, great plan because it works! Ronnie blocks all of the Multiplexes as Professor Stein runs up to the machine and flips the off switch. Seriously. I was making a joke earlier about the off switch but the machine really has an off switch. Luckily, Dr. Cunningham, the woman Multiplex was holding hostage and apparently doesn't know how to flip switches, is able to point at the off switch so Professor Mantin Steinman could man man man man man man.

Ronnie and Stein return to Firestorm and he tries to rescue Multiplex and Dr. Cunningham. But Multiplex wriggles out of his glove and goes, "Ha ha! I have escaped!" Then he's bombed into smithereens by General Eiling's bombers and Jason Rausch laughs and laughs and laughs! Ha ha! The bad guy sure got his!

Back at school, Jason confronts the girl he's supposed to be fucking because she's the odd, weird, smart girl. Except she doesn't know he's gay. Also she slipped some Rohypnol in a soda she gave him so that he'd fuck up his interview for the company she's also trying to get an internship at.

Oh sure! A good person would just allow a somebody to go around putting dangerous drugs in other student's drinks! Don't alert anybody to her criminal behavior! Snitches get stitches, bitches!

The story ends with Jason Rausch still not allowed to be part of Firestorm. But he is offered a place on the team using the telepathic helmet! So instead of one stupid disembodied head floating around Firestorm's face, there will be two! Oh joy! They just doubled down on the worst part about this entire comic book (aside from the lack of gay sex)!

The Review!
This book isn't going to get on The Rankings because it's four books in one that I'm splitting into different reviews. Besides, it's over now! And if you didn't read it as Legends of Tomorrow, you'll probably get to read it as a trade paperback soon. I know the Sugar and Spike one is available! And it's totally worth reading because it humiliates DC's big three heroes! This one isn't really worth picking up because it doesn't delve into the homosexual relationship between Ronnie and Jason. Or if it does, it gets really creepy because now Martin Stein is in some kind of homosexual May-December romance with Ronnie. It's so gross!

Titans #3

Here the Titans pose for a Dali painting.

The Commentary!
• Tempest may have just died at the end of last issue so here's what Wally West is thinking as this issue begins: "My name is Wally West. I'm the fastest man alive. Fastest at getting my friends into trouble! Oh snap! Boom! Drop the fucking mic, bitches! What what!" I'd say it's weird that the first thing he does when his friend nearly dies is tell himself a little joke but it's probably even weirder that he begins his thought by introducing himself to himself. I know I often do that when I'm shopping. "I'm Tess. I'm the worst shopper ever. Did I get the Oreos yet?"

• I don't know if Tempest is trying to maintain any kind of secret identity but when he gets zapped by Kadabra, Nightwing yells, "Garth!" Right in front of all of the bad guy puppets and the onlookers hoping to see some blood! Here's the thing about secret identities. I don't fucking care if comic books just got rid of them altogether. At least then we wouldn't have to sit through another fucking Civil War at Marvel. I mean, they'll probably think up a new reason to have a civil war. Hell, the second one might not even have anything to do with secret identities. Why would I bother reading it? Marvel might as well have called it "Civil War Made Us A Lot Of Money So Here's Another One, Bitches. Open Up Your Fucking Wallets."

• Anyway, I was saying that comics could get rid of secret identities altogether and I wouldn't care. Just agree to not make them pertinent. Never have some hero's mother kidnapped because the villain knows who the hero is. I can understand why a company wouldn't want to get rid of them because they're such a staple of the genre. But if they're going to make that choice, how about taking them fucking seriously? Enough with heroes calling each other by name in public! Batman especially should never be using names. If anybody knows better, it's probably that guy!

• Tempest calls Flash "Wally" right at Abra Kadabra's feet! Granted, he was just blasted by a magic bolt and is a little confused. So maybe he can be forgiven.

• Abra Kadabra claims that he removed Wally West from the timestream and made everybody forget about him. Please. A D-list villain whose greatest power is to wave a pencil-thin phallus in everybody's face?

• Abra Kadabra disappears in the amount of time it takes to say "Spoil my aim, would you? I don't care. The fun is only just beginning." Flash, who is five feet away, couldn't stop him before he said all of that. Fastest man alive, my asshole.

Can DC Comics please hire somebody to teach Brett Booth how to draw thighs?

• Kadabra appears on a roof across the street in curly toed shoes and standing in foam bubbles. Then he tells everybody his stupid name. Why isn't J.T. Krul's Green Arrow here to stop Kadabra? Kadabra obviously just wants to be famous and J.T. Krul's Green Arrow is super mad at people who want to be famous. So much so that he would go around beating the shit out of them because they had an online video go viral.

• Abra Kadabra vanishes, taking his Teen Puppets with him. I guess his plan for the day was just to let the Titans and Keystone City know his name. Well, he succeeded! That's Kadabra 1, Teen Titans 0!

And maybe she wouldn't like to! Especially if you're going to be so rude about it!

• It's good to see the Titans are up to their regular tricks. Abra Kadabra attacks Keystone City because he's trying to get at The Flash. After the Titans stop Kadabra, Arsenal tells the crowd, "We're the Titans. And thanks to us, Keystone hasn't turned into a, you know, a giant rabbit." Bah! You assholes will take credit for anything!

• A reporter asks Wonder Girl, "What's your name, sweetheart?" What kind of professional reporters do they have in Keystone City? Time travelers from the twenties?

• Wonder Girl drags Arsenal away to lecture him on how dangerous Kadabra actually is and he shouldn't be making light of his powers. Just kidding! She drags him off to ask him if he really loves her! He says he doesn't. But then she walks away and he mumbles about how he does! Why? Is he under an ancient curse to never admit his love to Wonder Girl?

For some reason, Keystone City is full of smoke and everybody is standing around in it. Maybe it's dust kicked up from Brett Booth's comic book panels falling over.

• Meanwhile Herald and Bumblebee have a meaningless conversation about not being part of the Titans. It's meaningless because one of them is going to have to join. The current team is whiter than my toilet paper. My toilet paper is actually a bit pinkish white but that just makes the comparison stronger!

• The Titans go out to eat in their masks and sweaty spandex suits. How dare they get some restaurant's booth all funky. They'd better fucking tip well. Also, where do they keep their money? Arsenal's probably the only one with pockets and I don't see him paying even his own share.

Troy, like Richard, has a first name, you know? Fucking dick. I hope Garth dehydrates.

• Why was the previous panel so straight? Did Brett Booth finally find his misplaced t-square?

• Kadabra has a briefing with his puppets to find out what his puppets learned about the Titans. Basically one of them learned the thing that needed to be learned: West is obsessed with Linda Park. So now Kadabra knows who to target! And he didn't even need to learn Wally's secret identity even though the Titans kept calling him by name!

• While talking to his puppets, Kadabra mentions a "him" who must be behind the weird time anomalies that are still affecting West and his place in the timeline. I wonder who that can be?!

Subtle!

• The Watchmen reference is almost as subtle as the reference to the editors fucking everything up back in the restaurant when Dick says their lives have been edited.

• Just so everybody is on the same page, I'm gauging the level of subtlety of these references at "Godzilla visiting Tokyo" subtle.

• The Flash rushes off to talk with Linda Park and she just screams at him. She really is a rude motherfucker, isn't she? Is this how she gets people to talk for her blog, Super News!?

• I bet people who loved Preboot Wally are having their hearts broken at the scene where Wally is trying to explain himself to Linda. Ha ha! Sissies!

• Linda decides maybe being nice is a better way to get a story and chooses to forgive Wally for barely startling her two times. But only if he agrees to an interview! Her interview tactic is to hurl question after question at him while he stutters out an answer for none of them. She's terrific at this!

• During the interview, Abra Kadabra pops by to kidnap Linda Park and Wally is too slow to stop him. Even though Kadabra says, "Now you see her, now you don't!" I can run all the way across my apartment in the time it takes to say that! And I don't even have superspeed! Hell, I probably have retardedspeed! I didn't mean "retarded" in the pejorative sense there! I meant it in the literal definition of the word! My speed is retarded because I'm a lazy fuck who probably only ever runs once per year!

The Ranking!
-0! A zero because the comic isn't bad but it isn't doing anything great either. The negative sign is because I had to look at Brett Booth's art while reading it. Excuse me while I go run my eyes under a hot tap.

Bloodlines #6

It's a good thing this cover is on the last issue because it's terrible and nobody would ever look at it and think, "I have to pick up this comic book!"

The Facts!
• I'm still confused as to why this comic book exists. I suppose it exists because idiots like me buy comic books like this. But who at DC Comics thought, "You know what we haven't exploited enough? Bloodlines! I mean, we designed that shit to make us wheelbarrows full of cash! Why the fuck aren't all the crazy characters we trademarked during the Bloodlines Annual Debacle of Nineteen Ninety Whatever more popular?! You people do know we're doing movies now, right? Let's get some fucking Bloodlines movies going! Who wouldn't rush to the movies with a marquee reading 'SPARX!' in 3-D! Or 'JOE PUBLIC'! Or 'LIONHEART'! Or 'LOOSE CANNON'! Or...hey, you guys want to wake up? I'm making a killer pitch here!"

• Although, now that I've refreshed my mind with the list of truly horrible names and ideas of characters that came out of Bloodlines, I think it could make a terrific Netflix series. Given the right writers, of course! Somebody can make these terrible Bloodlines characters interesting in a way that doesn't ignore how absolutely terrible they are. It would have to be acknowledged that most of the powers people received sucked and most of the people who received those powers were unimaginative idiots who came up with terrible monikers.

• Currently, the Bloodlines Gang have found themselves on the Boss Level. The Bloodlines Queen is living in the crater where the meteor hit and turning all of the humans gathered up by Cardinal Sin into more terrible Bloodlines characters. Hopefully this isn't one of those final fights where the bad guy punches harder for a bit and then the good guys punch harder for a bit and then the bad guy punches so hard that she almost wins and then the good guys rally and punch hardest of all to win. I want to read a battle that's actually thought out for once. What happened to those battles where somebody said something like "One last chance!" and then did something crazy to save the day? Now they just say something like "I have more heart and stuff!" so that they can power through the beating and knock out or kill the bad guy with just a punch or a blast of their powers.

• The first problem is Cardinal Sin! Unless his name is Father Bad Guy. Whatever! He needs to be stopped so that the dozens of people battling back stop believing in God and just walk away.

Really? That pipsqueak just choked the fuck out of that old man with one hand? Maybe Albert not only has invisibility but super strength in one hand.

• Eddie the Incredible Bulk decides it's okay to kill all of the Bloodlines victims attacking him. Why not? Duncan the Urban Hunter said it was okay! And he killed his wife and kids! Why would he have done that if he wasn't telling the truth? You know, aside from maybe he didn't really love them and was sick of them ruining his life.

• Eddie the Incredible Dolt tells the other Bloodlines Gang members to walk away from the battle with the Bloodlines Queen because...well, I don't know why he does. They all have useful combat skills (except for Albert. He'd never be able to choke the Bloodlines Queen with just one hand) so you'd think they'd be an asset. Heck, they have better weapons than Eddie: knives, guns, electricity! But Eddie doesn't buy into all that team bullshit! I agree with him. Teams never really work as teams. Like the Titans! They'll be defeated and Nightwing will be all, "We didn't work together! Let's work together this time!" Then they'll do exactly the same thing they did when they were beaten but, because they said they were working together, they win! Eddie just decides that beating the Bloodlines Queen to death with his fists is probably the right course of action.

• Where is little Anima? You know, the six year old with the head and face of a twenty-six year old?

• Eddie the Incredible Joke declares, "I have more heart and stuff!" And just like that, he tears the Bloodlines Queen limb from limb from limb from limb from limb from limb from limb. Hooray! What a magnificently structured story!

• Duncan the Urban Hunter starts counting out a number of bullets which are exactly equal to the number of members in the Bloodlines Gang. First bullet is for Blake! You know, Gunfire! The jerk who turned bad first. But Haley remembers reading Of Mice and Men, so she kills him herself. Or, at least, it seems like she kills him. What she actually does is stab the parasite inside of him and yank it out. Then she walks away crying instead of waiting for him to begin to cough before making a miraculous recovery! After that, Haley can stab everybody and they'll all be fine!

• Dana and Eddie do it. Probably awkwardly.

• The next day, we discover Haley actually owns a full pair of pants. But why bother now? They'll be torn up shorts the next time she Wolver...er, knives out!

• The Bloodlines Gang climb into Blake's car and head to Metropolis to visit STAR Labs. Maybe they can get somebody who can actually perform delicate surgery to remove the parasites because it looks like maybe Blake didn't survive Haley gutting him. Whoops!

• The series ends with Anima murdering a bunch of people in a bar. Cliffhanger!

My Opinions!
It's not like I expected this series to have any kind of an ending other than the typical beat the shit out of the Boss Monster ending. It's not like I picked up Bloodlines by J.T. Krul thinking that I was going to read a story I'll never forget. It's not like any of that happened and took me by surprise. So, you know, this was exactly what I thought it was going to be. It's a comic book that sells for $2.99 an issue but is really only worth maybe fifty cents per issue. It's the kind of series nobody puts a lot of thought into but executives are probably crossing their fingers that a character within it somehow proves popular with the audience. Of course, only delusional business executives could think J.T. Krul would be the writer to make that happen. I think this was just an opportunity to try to breathe some life into some old trademarks. I guess they accomplished that?

Ranking: -3!

Titans #2

Abra Cadabra needs to come up with a new trick.

The Commentary!
Before I start reading this comic book, I should take some sea sickness medication. Will that protect me from the vertigo caused by Brett Booth's wonky panel layouts? If that does help, next I have to figure out what to take to not feel sick looking at everybody's overly long legs and massively thick thighs. Maybe cyanide?

Linda Park, Super News!, is investigating a lead and following a story! She's all hopped up on journalism and ready to Pulitzer her way into the spotlight! Sure, nobody is talking about her blog, Super News!, yet! But once she gets the scoop on the super guy that nobody knows who came from nowhere whom she can't find? Well, look out world! The story of the century!

A lightning storm has hit Keystone City which is big news because whenever that happens, people gain superspeed. So everybody runs down to the area of the storm with their golf clubs and lightning rods in the hopes that this is some of that magical lightning and not the real stuff that doesn't transform a person into anything but a corpse. When Linda gets there, she finds some costumed heroes just standing around in the middle of it. There's Robin and Wonder Girl and Aqualad and Speedy and...hey! How does she recognize Wonder Girl? Maybe she's just mistaking Donna Troy's Wonder Girl with Cassie Sandsmark's Wonder Girl. But then how does she recognize Aqualad? Speedy, I believe, does have a history with Green Arrow so I won't kvetch about that.

Linda rushes into the lightning storm to interview Kid Flash. She begins by screaming his secret identity in front of the crowd. Behind the two of them is a shop called "Pizza Fish" which I can only imagine is a Brett Booth in-joke to distract from his stupid panel layout that looks like shattering glass and his stupid bodies which look like funhouse mirrors.

Wally knew his name and could speak English just after he was born? Awesome!

Obviously these aren't the real Titans! I'm just playing along and not fooled completely! I'll never be completely fooled by anything because I never believe anything. I learned that from the Internet and from Coast to Coast AM and from everybody everywhere who are just stupid assholes. Plus, like Linda Park said, this is what these people looked like a long time ago or never ago in the case of Wonder Girl and Aqualad and Kid Flash! And since Kid Flash feels like he was just born, these must be the Abra-Kadabra puppets from the cover. It's just that they're puppets made from scratch so they get to look exactly like humans. If Abra-Kadabra had turned a human into a living puppet, they'd look like the ones on the cover. Magic is weird!

The Titans arrive just in time to battle the Teen Titans! It's so exciting! I need to learn to change the color of my font so that I can identify things I write by a color code. Blue would be sincere. Red would be sarcastic. Yellow would mean I pissed myself as I typed it. Purple would mean I'd rather be playing Call of Duty. It would be revolutionary! Also it would be a lot of work. Forget it I even mentioned it.

Oh! I have an invention that I'm just putting out there for whatever entrepreneur wants to make it happen. House slippers with a pump in the sole which sprays a fine mist around the slipper each time you step. They're for keeping cats from getting underfoot!

By the way, "It's so exciting!" would have been red.

Learn how to draw thighs, you hack! Liefeld is better at it than you are!

Shit, you know what? I apologize to Rob Liefeld for bringing him into this. He doesn't deserve to have his art mocked in a general sense when I'm mocking the specifics of Brett Booth's art. I only want to mock Liefeld's art when there's something in front of me well worth mocking. Which is, you know, most of the time I have Rob Liefeld art in front of me.

Dammit! I'm sorry, Rob! That was totally uncalled for. I'll never do it again!

There's an even worse thigh on The Flash a few pages later that makes me nauseated.

I think that's more of a crisis of identity?

Wally defeats Kid Flash by tripping him after Kid Flash does the typical challenge the other speedster to see who's faster. That's a nice moment, Dan. Too bad Brett Booth drew it.

Abra-Kadabra's main goal is to humiliate The Flash, probably just before killing him. I'd recommend just killing him but you can never get through to these super villains. Always so determined to do things their way even if their way is so cliché that it constantly brings them to failure. He learns during the battle that Linda Park is on site and that Wally loves her even though they apparently haven't met yet. Abra-Kadabra's memories are probably Swiss cheesed from all of the Watchmen interference so nothing he thinks he knows really matters. It must be really confusing for a guy from the future to find that the past isn't anything like it was supposed to be. Enh, that's probably to be expected if you're a time traveler. The history books are never that accurate.

The Teen Titans versus the Titans battle continues to rage while Tempest notices Abra-Kadabra (I guess he's just Kadabra, first name Abra) directing things from a nearby rooftop. So he faces him one-on-one while Dick yells, "No! We're a team! Going solo in a team book is always a disaster! Especially when we're on page 19 of 20! Get back!" But Tempest doesn't get back at all! Instead, he gets zapped by Kadabra's wand. Wally gets there just in time to probably save Tempest's life. But Tempest is probably so seriously hurt that he'll probably have to be sidelined for ten or twelve issues. That's really his main role in the Titans comic books!

Bloodlines #5

This will make a great blog entry.

The Review!
Bloodlines is a comic book about a bunch of kids who were dealt an amazing hand but realized they were playing Pai gow and they didn't know how to set up their hands so they were all, "This sucks! I'm a loser!" Then they sat their pouting at the table thinking they were going to lose all of their money while everybody else at the table really was going to lose their money but didn't make a big deal out of it. Then this old guy was all, "Can't make a silk purse out of sow's ear!" as he set his losing hand down. Luckily he looked over and was all, "Hey, kids! You guys have great hands! Let me fix them up for you! You're sure to win now!" Although that part won't happen until Issue #6. Right now the kids still think they've been dealt shitty hands and are being dramatic in that way that only teenagers can be dramatic. You know the way if you're not a teenager! If you are a teenager, I'm just kidding. You guys aren't dramatic at all! Ha ha! Just kidding!

For a comic book about characters that nobody gives a shit about because they've just been created, it's not too bad. It's not going to make anybody care about a second Bloodlines series but it'll be a surprisingly okay read when somebody in the future buys them all out of a quarter box for a buck fifty.

The Commentary!
This issue begins with all the members of the up and coming Bloodlines Gang sitting around a garage not saying anything. The script probably read, "Page One: Whatever. Who cares? Fuck everything." If it didn't, don't steal that idea! I'm copymarking that right now! Then on Page Two everybody will be happy because the weight of feeling judged has been lifted from their shoulders. Then on Page Three, I'll have to introduce a character who totally cares about stuff like crazy because the movie will need conflict. That character will be the bad guy because they'll make everybody super unhappy by pointing out how they shouldn't be doing or saying things that hurt other people's feelings. But the people are all, "What the fuck? Who cares?! Everything is groovy!" And then the bad guy will explain why their feelings should be hurt by what the other people are doing and discord will be sewn and everything will go to Hell and fuck me. I just wrote the Garden of Eden story. Stupid Bible. It copymarked my story before I could even finish it!

The Bloodlines Gang are inside Stu's garage which inexplicably has the name of the garage on the inside window of the door. I guess that's so the employees don't forget where they work.

It also says "Stu's" right on the inside window of the door! Can't you read?

The way Haley is dressed reminds me that I saw a woman in her underwear as I walked by her house last night. It was the second floor window and there's usually a dog's head lolling out the window as if the people inside are just desperately filling it with farts. While the Non-Certified Spouse and I were walking by on the other side of the street, I checked to see if the dog was there and he was! I pointed it out to the Non-Certified Spouse, she glanced at it, acknowledged, "Yes, that's a dog," and then continued talking. I kept looking at the dog and a woman walked by in a short white shirt and black panties. From that point on, I don't remember anything the Non-Certified Spouse said.

Duncan the Urban Hunter begins to tell the Bloodlines Gang the story about how he killed his wife and son. He's all, "They got sick and I was all, 'Ugh! I have to take care of them both! Stupid wife getting sick at the same time as the kid! I'm calling my divorce lawyer!' But then I had a better idea! I would pretend they died and turned into zombies and I had to shoot their brains out! Worked like a charm! Except the part where the police were all, 'Wow! You saved us from a real outbreak! But I bet there are more of them out there. You'd better go kill more zombies or we're going to get suspicious!' So I had to go out and start killing more people and pretending they were zombies! And you kids are next!"

Eddie talks Duncan out of killing them by offering to be killed. I'm still trying to figure out how that one worked. Maybe I'll try it at the bar later. I'll go up to a potential sex encounter and say, "I totally don't want you sitting on my face as soon as possible." And if it works like Eddie's trick just worked, I'll be drowning in crotch sweat! Or it might just work how it usually works where the woman makes a face like she just saw the inside of an overturned outhouse and strangles out a noise like she's choking on a jellyfish. People do know they can just say no politely, right?! Gross, inappropriate perverts have feelings too!

I bet she's whispering something poetic like "My tender rose is red, your huge cock is blue, put it inside me right now, asshole." So romantic!

I wonder where Dana and Haley get their clothing? The fabric is strange! It shows every single contour of their body right down to the belly button and stomach muscles but it doesn't show a hint of a nipple! I'd love to find out where those clothes come from and burn the fucking place to the ground! I miss clothing that shows nipples! What happened to America?! Trump is right! It isn't great at all! I remember in the seventies when they couldn't figure out how to make shirts that didn't show nipples! What a time to be alive! Too bad I was like six or something.

The Bloodlines Gang discover the entire town has been turned into brainless...oh wait! That's how they usually are. But they don't usually march in the street and bitchslap the people they know like they're doing now! Luckily Duncan the Urban Hunter doesn't decide to begin killing them all because he quickly decides they're under a spell. I don't know how he tells the difference between Bloodline Zombie and Person He Probably Shouldn't Kill. Maybe he just doesn't have enough ammunition to shoot up a whole town.

Oh! A metaphor about religion happened to them! They're not braindead! They're brainwashed!

The first time I heard somebody say "God helps those who help themselves," I became an atheist because why the fuck do I need God then? What an asshole! He should help those who can't help themselves! What is he? An Ayn Randian?! Fucking dick!

Actually, I never believed in god. Nobody ever told me I was supposed to! Also, nobody told me I wasn't supposed to. Nobody butted in at all and here's a little secret: if nobody teaches you to believe in god, you won't believe in god. Why should you?! The natural state of being is atheism. Everything else is propaganda!

Blake tells the Bloodlines Gang not to hurt anybody when they start attacking. I don't know how they're supposed to do that. Blake himself makes things blow up. How does he use that to not hurt somebody? And Haley turns into a hot knife that I would love to see buttered. And Eddie turns into a Marvel lawsuit. And Dana uses electricity which I think is harmful to people. Sometimes it's just exhilarating though. Also, I think Dana is going to hurt some people because I saw the cover.

This is the panel after Blake says not to hurt anybody! What dum-dums!

Preacher-lite takes out the Bloodline Gang with his giant green bubble attack and disappears with his flock. But Eddie thinks he knows where he's taking them: To the crater at the edge of town! That's where the big final fight will take place. It's also where a bunch of Bloodlines Parasites will probably try to inseminate more Earthly victims.

The Bloodlines Gang enter the crater and find a cave leading to the Bloodlines Parasite Queen infecting all of the new people Preacher-lite brought her. Also in her presence are more Bloodlines Superheroes who have succumbed to the parasite. And one of those is Blake! No! Not Gunfire! NOT GUNFIRE! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

That's the big cliffhanger ending, by the way!

Titans #1

It's a good thing all of Brett Booth's characters wear spandex because they'd never fit into any jeans off the rack.

The Commentary!
Judging by fan reaction regarding Wally's disappearance from The New 52 Universe, this comic book must be selling millions and millions of copies. If it isn't, DC Comics should just create a gif of Dan Didio shitting on the floor of his office and use that in response to any complaints any DC fan ever has ever again forever. Although why anybody cared about Wally West missing from the DC Universe, I can't imagine. There was plenty of Slash Fiction out there with the added bonus of three or four dick sucking scenes in each story. That's never going to happen in this comic book! Which is probably a good thing because I can't even imagine how Brett Booth would draw a penis.

I guess Dan Abnett was given the task of setting up the next big DC Crossover in this book. Wally West is going to have to figure out who had the idea for The New 52 and knock their teeth out. He'll eventually discover it was The Watchmen but we all know he should really be punching out the teeth of Dan DiDio, Geoff Johns, and Jim Lee. The dick sucking scene will happen before that truth makes it into the comic book.

Oh! It's also possible the editors at DC will find a way to blame the fans for not buying the comic books they claim they want to read. It's probably the main reason DC decided to have the Watchmen be the enemies. Because the readers are the watchers. We are the Watchmen. And it's our fucking fault, apparently!

Before the issue really gets started, Dan Abnett decides to waste a bunch of pages catching up the readers who began with this comic book. So basically those people who wasted money on Rebirth and Titans Rebirth #1 are also losing value on this comic book as the first four pages simply rehash the previous stories we've already read. Oh, Kid Flash also gets a new terrible suit so he can just be called The Flash and everybody can be confused. The suit is mostly terrible because Brett Booth is drawing it. He likes to distract the reader from his inability to draw proportions by drawing crazy lightning around everything.

Suddenly, The Flash is attacked by Doomsday! Oh no wait. That's the Snickers advertisement again. Never mind.

Flash is really just telling the story to Lilith who already knew it because she's psychic. But she needed an extra twenty dollars so she's reading Wally's fortune.

Oh shit! Donna has noticed us watching her! Hide!

Linda Park is currently in Keystone City waiting to be part of a love story that I don't give a shit about. I know, I know! All of the Wally fans are just gunging up their underwear over this crap. Will Linda and Wally get back together?! Will their love be strong enough to stand the test of erased time?! Will Wally slip in the show and penetrate Dick Grayson from behind while Dick's mouth is full of Tempest cock?! Oh, sorry. That's from Wally's life after Doctor Oz(yman(hattan)dias) erased him from existence.

Linda is busy with a blog called Supernews.com. It's actually some kind of usenet service provider or something in our reality. I didn't really use any of my brain when scrolling down the site. I was really hoping for a Linda Park run news blog Easter egg! You could have done at least a little work setting that up, DC. Don't you know that whenever you use an URL in your comic books, you should purchase that fucking domain name? Where's your business savvy! I'm going to go register LindaParkDoesKeystoneCity.com right now!

Linda Park is going to make a name for herself by writing on the Internet! She probably shouldn't even bother. The way to get famous on the Internet is to come up with an idea that has no worth or merit after the initial revelation of that idea, at least not for the creator. Because if you're truly creative, being saddled with the daily job of putting philosophical quotes on top of pop culture images is a fucking chore. But people eat that bullshit right up! How about Peanuts comics with Smiths' lyrics! SO FUCKING GOOD! For, like, the one time I checked it out before I got bored and never fucking returned. But that's the kind of thing Linda Park needs to get over the top! That or a YouTube channel where she gets drunk and plays horseshoes or Minigolf three times a week.

Here we see Iris chasing down a lead! I mean Linda! Whatever. Does it matter?

The Titans are busy sitting around Dick's loft comparing their thighs. They have such massive thighs! I once had massive thighs back when I used to bike the Santa Cruz mountains. But now I have the thighs of a guy who reads a lot of comic books and used to ride a bike in the mountains. They're still fairly impressive but the inner thigh has gone pretty soft and squishy.

Roy has an idea that maybe they should talk to Mammoth about Wally's imagined threat to the universe because Mammoth was wrapped up in that Mister Twister thing that seemed a lot like this current problem. Dick almost chokes on his tongue when he realizes Roy has a good idea. So off some of them go to track down Mammoth while Wally stays behind to keep letting Lilith scrounge inside his head.

Does Roy realize he's not an Outlaw anymore and probably shouldn't be killing people?

I'm pretty sure Roy just killed three people. One probably broke his neck flying out of the crashing truck, one crushed under the tumbling truck, and one stuck by Roy's Lobotomy Arrow. Luckily I know he's probably not into killing anymore so I'm supposed to believe nobody even accidentally died here. Especially the one with the arrow sticking out of his forehead. Anyway, it works! Just before Wonder Girl shows up to break a guy's back with a shove, they get the name Psimon out of one of the bad guys. Now instead of asking people where to find Mammoth so that they can find Mammoth, they need to go rough some people up and ask where to find Psimon so they can find Mammoth! They're so much closer now!

Lilith uses her telepathy on Wally and does such a good job that she reads somebody else's mind inside of his! Then she panics and tells everybody they have to go to Keystone City. Wally's penis is all, "Keystone City! Right on! That's where Linda Park's vagina lives!"

It's possible Lilith's telepathy awoke the memories of Abra Kadabra. Now he's sending children into space instead of beating The Flash using the power of thought! Because nothing is faster than the speed of thought! Except for The Flash. I mean, obviously he's faster than thought! Thought isn't really that fucking fast. I mean, I have to decide what I want to do and then I have to tell my body to do it and then my body has to be directed at the thing I want to do it to. Even if the thought is some kind of psionic attack, I still have to direct it at something. I can't just think, "Blow up The Flash!" Although since those things only exist in comic books, I guess I could think that if the writer wanted me to.

Abra Kadabra declares that he was the guy who made Wally West disappear. But of course he didn't! He's a two-bit villain who can barely earn a living doing magic shows for kids' birthday parties.

The Review!
It's hard to review a comic book when the art is vying to destroy any interest I have in the writing. I like Dan Abnett's characterization of the Titans but I can't stand looking at their goofy faces and their extraordinarily long legs and thick thighs. Why hasn't Brett Booth signed an exclusivity contract with Marvel? Why doesn't Brett Booth go sailing with Scott Lobdell in a boat full of power drills and old sticks of dynamite? Why haven't I invented time travel so I can go back in time and hire a better art teacher for Brett Booth? Or maybe I can go back in time and convince Brett Booth that his art sucks and maybe he'd like to lead Germany? I wonder if that's what happened with Hitler? I wonder if his art was so bad and yet so ubiquitous that somebody decided to go back in time and get him to quit art. Then when he became a fascist dictator and ordered the genocide of thousands, the time traveler looked on his work, shrugged, and thought, "Still worth it." Yes, I'm saying that not having to look at Brett Booth's art might theoretically be worth six million lives.

Bloodlines #4

His superhero name should be Pinhead.

The Commentary!
This issue begins with Faith, the six year old girl with the twenty-seven year old head, pretending she's in an episode of The Twilight Zone. It doesn't matter which episode. You'd know it if you were familiar with three episodes of the show. Unless none of those episodes starred Billy Mumy. Except instead of threatening people with the cornfield, she's just tearing out their hearts and feeding them to her pet demon. I don't quite remember what Anima's power was in the old Bloodlines but maybe it was something like this? Is the new Anima evil? I'd be evil too if I were six years old but the bus driver kept making me pay adult prices to ride because of my face.

While Faith feeds her monster ice cream and internal organs, Black and Haley are lucky to be alive after having sex with each other. He turns things he touches into explosives and blades shoot out of every part of her body. My guess is, since they're still both alive, neither of them had an orgasm. While Blake tries to figure out how to get his dick in Haley's butt, Duncan the Urban Hunter arrives to kill him for being a freak. Earlier in his pathetic life, he killed his wife and child because they developed Bloodlines super powers. Now he's doubling down on that mistake and killing anybody with powers. If he didn't kill everybody he encountered who had Bloodlines powers, he might have to admit that maybe he shot his wife and kid too soon. And by too soon, I mean as soon as he saw his wife had disgusting wings and his son's fingers looked like flaccid penises and just after he said, "Aw hells no."

Haley's mattress is so crusty from dried semen and vaginal excretions that it's become bulletproof.

A couple of weeks ago, I found a copy of Gunfire #0 at an old junk shop. I didn't fucking buy it. I'm regretting it so hard! But I'll go back. They had a ton of old comic books and board games and toys at really great prices. It was like a Goodwill with actual interesting crap instead of just pure crap.

Blake turns everything he can grab in Haley's room into explosives and Haley is all, "Dude! That's my lamp! And bed! And ottoman! And vibrator! And butt plug! And Ben Wa balls!" Tired of seeing all of her good times destroyed, Haley Wolverines out and attacks Duncan the Urban Hunter. Not only can she grow blades out of her skin, she can also deflect bullets with her blades. Unless she just got lucky. You know what? I'm going to assume she got lucky because I'm already suspending as much disbelief as I can, and most of that is because of Haley's body. Nobody looks that sexy!

Instead of killing Duncan like Haley could have been excused for doing since he broke into her house and began shooting at her and her unsatisfying lover, she and Blake begin asking him questions. Duncan explains that his wife and son had actually died due to the parasite that bit them and that's why he had to kill them. Although if that's true, why did he kill that Bloodlines guy at the convenience store and then leave the corpse to come back from the dead like it did? I don't think he actually knows that that is what happens! I think he's making it up as an excuse for why he killed his wife and son, and he just happens to be right!

Back at school, Dana is all, "Hey Eddie. You know how you turned into that huge freak at the hospital? What's going on with your penis when that happens?" She doesn't actually say that but I'm sure that's what she's thinking since she's still hanging out with him and Albert. She's just waiting for another shot to see his pants split and when something goes down at the football game, she gets her shot!

She must have got a glimpse of his cock!

I'm always disturbed by characters who destroy their clothing when they transform. What a pain in the ass. How many pairs of shoes must Eddie own? And how baggy are his pants that they survive the transformation? Remember when Fire used to burn off her clothes when she transformed? That disturbed me because it meant she was too fucking dangerous to transform in most places. How come she didn't just set everything on fire constantly?

The football players are being attacked by a huge creature composed of lots of dead bodies. Eddie, Albert, and Dana need to figure out a way to meet up with the other Bloodlines characters and they have a plan! They decide to be a part of this scene where Haley, Blake, and Duncan all arrive at the football game for some reason. Maybe their plan was to meet Eddie, Albert, and Dana! Good thinking, everybody!

Duncan the Urban Hunter seems to know everything that needs to be known. After Dana blasts the dead guy with her Storm impression, Duncan does an autopsy on the creature and extracts the Bloodlines parasite. He kills it and then looks up to see who's next. Maybe not next for an autopsy but a little surgery is probably going to be necessary. Then without the parasites in them, they can just continue to live with safely with their powers.

But nobody thinks of that yet! Instead they just stand around the football field like they don't realize they're supposed to come up with a name for their super hero team now!

Meanwhile in a church somewhere, some bald motherfucker gets Preacher powers.

The Review!
J.T. Krul has a problem with beginning stories at the beginning. He always says more than he needs to say. I think he spent about six issues of Captain Atom before getting to the point where he should have begun the story. And this comic book probably could have started with this issue! And I don't mean beginning with the fight and then immediately flashing back to where he began the comic book with Issue #1. I fucking hate when comic books do that. If you want to start the story somewhere in the middle, don't fucking chicken out and immediately go back in time to tell the story in a linear fashion from the beginning. If you're going to begin there, fucking begin there and skip the whole "Five Days From Now!" bit that you think will draw people into the story. You know what draws people into the story? Telling a good story and not relying on tricks and tropes and narrative clichés! We're now four issues into this book and it's been mostly just people trying to figure out what's going on. That sucks because the reader knew what was going on immediately. If the reader knows the story already, the reader does not look forward to being told all the shit the reader already knows. Just fucking get on with it already!

Bloodlines #3

I wonder if spikes come out of Haley's secret piercing?

The Review!
Don't think there was any real action in this comic book simply because the cover depicts a huge battle. No battles happen here. Somebody gets an MRI. Somebody goes shopping. Duncan the Urban Hunter proves to everybody that his name is just as dangerous as it sounds. But there isn't any huge battle at all. It's almost as if comic books are immune to laws about false advertising! But if you like books about young teenagers getting super powers and you don't want to pick up any of the other teenage super group comic books, you might like this one. Eventually. You know, when the action begins.

The Commentary!
This issue begins with a man making the wrong choice in an ethical dilemma.

I wouldn't kill my family simply because they grew wings and tentacle fingers! Although if I hated my family, I suppose this would be a good excuse to finally pull the trigger.

I normally wouldn't judge somebody for killing their wife and child because who can say how terribly they were? But since the narrator asked if I could do the unthinkable, I'm going to respond with "No. No, I couldn't do the unthinkable because, by definition, I wouldn't have thought it. Ipso facto quod est verum. Aut aliquid." I know "jumped the gun" is a racing idiom but it's kind of becoming literal in this day and age. "Jumped the gun" can easily describe what cops do on a near daily basis. What I'm getting at is I think this guy jumped the gun by going straight to his gun to solve his problem. So his wife grew wings! And his son's fingers are now vomit-inducing penis substitutes! Big deal! They've obviously been inflicted with something and I don't think euthanasia is most people's go-to solution for battling disease. That threatening approach your wife is making as she totters down the hallway with her glowing red eyes and her arms extended? She might just want a hug and she can't walk straight because her feet have become claws and her eyes are glowing red because her tear ducts now produce light instead of tears! That's not a reason to shoot her in the face! I mean, it's a reason but it's not a great reason.

The guy who just murdered his family is Duncan the Urban Hunter. I guess "Urban Hunter" sounds better than "Violent Euthanasia Expert". Now that he killed his family, he has to justify their murder by going around the country murdering everybody else's families. He'll probably say things like "It's for their own good!" and "Putting them out of their misery is compassionate!" or "It'll cost way too much to nurse them back to health so putting them to sleep is the best option!" I'm glad he's the bad guy! Although he'll probably be kind of a good guy since bad people who gain Bloodlines powers should probably be slaughtered without any right to justice. Although he'll probably be a bad guy because he won't discriminate between good and bad people with Bloodlines powers. He probably just shoots anybody who looks slightly strange.

There's a mark on Blake's chest which I thought was just a third nipple. Apparently it's a sign that he was bitten by a Bloodlines Parasite because Duncan freaks the fuck out and begins trying to kill him. See? Duncan the Urban Hunter is the real Urban! I mean monster!

"What an awful, horrible perverted kid!" he said disingenuously.

Albert and Eddie track down Dana to get her to join their super group full of teenagers although neither of them have ever actually spoken to a woman so it's practically the team's first big hurdle. Meanwhile, Duncan goes around killing more people. I think he might be schizophrenic.

Haley, the woman who isn't like other woman, is sitting around her house in half a pair of shorts and some paint that looks like a tank top. She's visited by Blake for a reason other than to have sex with her. I know! She can hardly believe it herself! She's all, "You don't want to put your package in my drop box?" And he's all, "I don't want to blow up your drop box!" And she's all, "What an ego! Anyway, I'd probably cut open your package!" That's when they realize they both have horrible new super powers which makes it okay for the package to go in the drop box.

This is where the sex scene would have been scanned if the stupid narrative hadn't cut back to the nerds.

The nerds have broken into an MRI lab at the hospital. Albert is a genius so I'm assuming he has a good reasoning for running an MRI on himself and his teammates.

What the hell is Dana worried about? That they might see her pancreas?

The MRI reveals that there is some kind of alien parasite living inside of them. Wow! Good idea, Albert! I'm glad that panned out and you weren't just wasting comic book pages. I was sort of pissed that Albert just happened to know exactly what to do to figure out what was wrong with them. But then I knew I would be more pissed if the story had to work through a bunch of dead ends before they figured out what was going on. Plus, Albert is a genius, remember!

Eddie hulks out and smashes the MRI. Hopefully the kids can get out of there before they're caught and then nobody will get in trouble! Unless the hospital tracks whose card was last used to enter the lab and since Albert stole his dad's pass to gain entry, I guess Albert's dad is fucked.

Meanwhile, one of the people killed by Duncan the Urban Hunter crawls out of the morgue. I guess the alien parasites don't really care if the host is alive or dead.

Titans Rebirth #1

The Review!
If you enjoy the Teen Titans remembering mediocre memories and celebrating Wally's return, you'll probably enjoy this comic book. That's all there is to it. I suppose if you're a big Wally fan, this was an emotional issue. Although it could have been more emotional if the Titans actually had any interesting memories. But no! Instead we get flashbacks to Wally waving at Garth and going, "Hi Garth!" And Garth going, "Hi! I'm from Atlantis!" Boring! You also might like this issue if you're into Brett Booth art. Brett Booth is slang for "bad art with misshapen people". It also sets up the looming battle between DC's heroes and the employees of DC Comics. This Rebirth shit is going to get so postmodern you'll think you were reading Pale Fire. Unless it'll be more like watching an episode of Beavis and Butthead. I hope it'll be nice mix of those two elements.

The Commentary!
According to Justice League #51, something has been observing Dick Grayson for five years. I mean something other than us, the DC readership. Although maybe I don't? In Rebirth #1, Johns went a long way to describe how the DC Universe was ruined by outside forces which sounded a lot like editorial control and managerial dictates. Could this new threat to Dick Grayson from outside the Earth Prime Universe be the fandom? Is DC's Rebirth going to be nothing more than one long metatextual commentary on the interrelationship between creative teams, fans, and the finished product? Ugh, I hope not! I read comic books so I can understand what I'm reading! If I wanted to read pretentious twaddle, I'd be reading The Familiar!

Actually, I plan on picking up The Familiar. I don't plan on understanding The Familiar. But I do plan on throwing my money away on it and going through the motions of reading every word within it and then dropping references to it in my own writing so that it seems like I understood it.

I also plan on crying my eyes out while reading it because I always called my cat, Judas, my buddy of fifteen years, my familiar. I think I'm ready to attempt it now though. I think.

Aw shit. My Titans experience is already ruined by Brett Booth's depiction of swollen and probably infected thighs.

Apparently every model in Brett Booth's human anatomy classes while in art school had serious blood clot issues. I imagine they all dropped dead immediately after class.

The issue begins with Wally on a mission to get his old friends to remember him. It happens rather quickly because Rebirth #1 already did the thing where the story goes on and on with nobody remembering him so it finally seems believable and has some kind of emotional impact (at least for wusses it does) when Barry remembers him. I'm glad I don't have to go through all that again just to get the Titans to remember him. I already read eight issues of a comic book that was the other Titans trying to remember the other Titans.

Is there a filter I can use to make Brett Booth's art look like better art? Oh! I know! Alcohol!

I spoke too soon. Only Nightwing remembers him because they touched or something. The others don't yet remember him so they're plan is to kick his ass. Does nobody else think that just about every hero in the DC Universe needs to go to anger management classes? Is this level of aggression acceptable because people compare it to Guy Gardner's or Lobo's level of aggression and think, "Oh yeah. These guys are calm and rational!"

Luckily for somebody (me?), everybody remembers Wally as soon as they lay a hand on him. Roy is all, "Oh hey! I didn't recognize you underneath all of those thigh muscles!" And Donna is all, "Is that you Wally? You're lankier with a weird torso to leg proportion!" And Garth is all, "I'm dying because I haven't touched water in almost 59 minutes!" Arella is all, "I'm too boring to think up something stupid to say about Brett Booth's shitty artwork!" Each one also flashes back to their favorite memory of Wally! Most of them are either really boring or a time when they were battling one of their fathers.

You grew up on an asteroid with a fuzzy guy named Xanthi and a bunch of other alien kids training to be gods! I think. Maybe this Donna Troy grew up in one of her other fifteen origin stories.

Wally's speech about how for the last five years he only existed in really terrible stories, most of them involving fucking other male Titans, is interrupted by an advertisement for some new action figures designed by Greg Capullo.

DC Comics! Where the only motherfucker allowed to smile is The Joker! Wonder Woman looks like she's giving a bored hand-job.

Wally points out that somebody fucked with the DC Universe in a way that erased a lot of history. You know, the editors and management. And he claims that they might try again (well, of course they will!). But with the help of the Titans, he believes they can keep the editors from doing it again. Ha! Good luck with that! Although I suppose the editors are going to allow themselves to be defeated since they're actually the Watchmen in the comic book. But first the Watchmen will probably have a scene where they speak directly to the reader telling them how what they did was good and it energized the DC Universe and all of the fans were petulant cry babies demanding the world go back to normal. Then the Watchmen will be defeated and DC's editors will be all, "Okay! The DC Universe is back to normal! I hope you're all happy!" Then the fans will be all, "Yay! We are all happy!" Then sales will not show that this move was any better than any other huge universal shake-up in the long run and the editors and management will have to blow it all up again in some other crazy way.

Bloodlines #2

Since the bloody "s" is part of the title, is that other drop part of it too? Is this really Blooodlines?

The Review!
Last issue we learned the names of the main characters and their defining, stereotypical, and often meant-to-be-super-surprising trait. Eddie has a disability! Haley is a tough-as-nails mechanic! Blake is a dick cop! The genius kid is a genius! Dana is a not-like-other-females female vlogger! Faith loves to shop! This issue, we get to learn the super powers that go with those character traits! The disabled kid is super abled! Haley's tough-as-nails exterior becomes a tough-as-nails Wolverine-esque defense! The dick cop can blow things up! The vlogger is electric or something! The little shopper Faith is super greedy and can manifest a demon to get everything she wants! I think that makes her the villain. Or my sister. Genius kid Albert gains invisibility because nobody ever notices him and he has no friends. Probably. So that's it! We've learned so much about these characters in two issues that we should all know whether or not we want to continue reading about them! I know I do! I mean, I know I will, at least, since I read all of DC's books. Is that a positive review? Good try, J.T. Krul! I mean job! Not try! Maybe. Whatever. It's better than Green Arrow #1-3, if that says anything.

The Commentary!
This is a brand new comic book with brand new characters so please forgive me when I call them all by incorrect names. Even though I'm a genius (never mind my IQ! Those tests aren't calibrated for my level of smartiness!), my brain can only capacitate the capacity for a certain amount of capacitiousness. Fuck you, Trump! I have all the best words!

The girl on the cover might be Faith because that's a name I remember from last issue. Her mother was the one with the ass that made the service station man go crazy with boy juice. And we all know what happens when a guy goes crazy with boy juice! They disappear in another room for about thirty seconds and then wash their hands. At least I hope they wash their hands. I'm not going to talk about the way Faith is stirring my boy juice because she looks a little young. I wish artists would stop making young characters look like adult females because then I feel weird jerking off while thinking about them. But I remind myself that they're fictional characters and don't actually have an age and, besides, comic book artists don't know how to draw young girls. They only know how to draw sex objects. So if I'm attracted to the looks of a comic book character who is underage, it's the artist's fault! Some artists actually draw children who look like children and I hardly ever think they look sexy.

After that paragraph, I can probably wave goodbye to anybody who began following me because Gail Simone sometimes reblogs my Secret Six reviews!

Seriously though! You can tell I wasn't being serious earlier because I now started a paragraph that began "Seriously though!" Look at that cover. She's obviously a young girl based on her school uniform and her lack of secondary sexual characteristics (e.g. boobs. i.e. tits, titties, mammaries, breasts, pretty much any word ending in -as (as long as you cup the air in front of your chest with both hands)). But that face screams adult woman! I think it's mainly the dead, unfeeling eyes.

The issue begins with somebody talking about faith, so I think maybe I recognized a character and her name! Go my brain! I would spike you if I wasn't so afraid of what a concussion might do to my professional writing skills!

Who puts up a Van Halen poster for the 1998 version of Van Halen?! I hate that kid.

Cerebral Palsy Incredible Hulk is currently at the funeral for his friend Graham who was rutted to death by a super-villain deer. After the funeral, Graham's football buddies decide to blame Graham's death on Eddie (that's the kid I hate's name! I didn't remember it. It was finally used in dialogue). I think it's just an excuse for the football bros to beat on the skinny disabled kid. I don't think of his cerebral palsy as his disability. His taste in music is his disability.

While Eddie hides in the cemetery trying not to yell, "Eddie Smash!", Dana continues her fascinating video blog about her last year of school. Today, she's teaching people about make-up! Dana acted like her family had money so I don't understand why she's using a USB webcam! When is the last time anybody needed one of those? Computers have built in cameras now, Dana! Also phones have them. And watches. And food from Taco Bell. They're everywhere! I bet half the readers don't even recognize the webcam! They're probably all, "What's that?! Is that the Bloodlines thing that infected everybody? Look out, Dana! Look out!"

But I'm not finished! I mean, you're not finished!

I wonder if J.T. Krul hates his character Dana? She's exactly the kind of person his Green Arrow would be trying to throw in jail! How dare she think expressing herself on the internet was equal to somebody writing comic books? What a super-villain!

Hmm. Maybe I should like Dana instead of hating her instantly! We have so much in common! Although she said she didn't like pink and I love pink. You know what? Fuck her. I hope she's the first to die.

Um, anyway, Dana has electrical powers. I should probably note that here so I can remember it.

If you were wondering when J.T. Krul was going to get to the scene where a guy gets his comeuppance for hitting on a girl who obviously doesn't want to be hit on, you're in luck! Because Haley has an encounter with a guy who just won't take "No thanks. I'm good" for an answer! He winds up discovering (along with Haley) that her new superpower is Wolverine claws! But they come out of her body from her piercings. Or just from wherever. This is also a good time to remember that Haley and Dana aren't like other women! That makes them more interesting, I guess. And more insulting to the readers!

Blake, the dick cop, learns he's The New 52 Gunfire! Lucky!

Next we learn about Faith and I don't find her sexy at all anymore!

Christ. She's supposed to be what? Seven?

No wait. I think she must be twenty-six. Right?

This reminds me of that Bryan Adams' song that goes, "Baby you're all I need! When I'm lying there in your arms. I find it hard to believe...you're just seven." By the way, did anybody ever arrest him for that?

So, I guess Faith is the villain of the story! What a selfish brat! Or selfish young adult? Ugh. Whatever. Comic book artists, you are generally terrible.

Albert the genius kid who is a genius appears out of nowhere later that night to suggest creating a team of superheroes to Eddie! Albert gained the power of invisibility because he's a genius. Or because nobody ever notices him at school. Because he's a genius. Just remember he's a genius. It'll be important later for when J.T. Krul needs a character to come up with a plan that doesn't actually make sense. Then just remember Albert is a genius and you'll go, "Well, I guess that's why the plan works! Who am I, a stupid fucking idiot comic book reader, to question a person I've been told multiple times is a genius?!"

The book ends with an urban hunter named Duncan arriving on the scene to tell everybody it's the end of the world. I don't mean he's urban because he's black. I mean he's an urban hunter because he's one of those guys who solves problems in end of the world scenarios by killing bad guys and not a rural hunter who hunts deer. Although he probably should hunt at least one deer in this comic book. No, wait. Eddie already killed that deer. Never mind.