Earth Too: Society #22

What the fuck is going on with Flash's stomach?! That's Observational Comedy 101! I don't actually say anything funny. I just point out that I noticed something!

At the end of the last issue, Batdick was killed. That's probably a good thing because nobody needs a Dick Grayson on Earth Too: The Rebirthening. Ultra-Humanite was also killed by Green Lantern which is not a good thing because nobody in any lousy circle that has ever allowed me to be a part of their circle has ever clamored for an Alan Scott that murders. On the plus side, Vicente Cifuentes drew big tits on every female character. And he's drawing this issue too!

This was my favorite roleplaying game: Small Eyes, Big Tits!

This issue takes place six months after last issue ended. Power Girl seems happy and big titted (like usual). Actually, based on the size of tits that Vicente loves to draw, Power Girl's tits are just average! Her main super power (according to Comic Vine) is Big Old Titties (just after Wind Bursts). I suppose I'm being too critical. What do I know about the laws of physics on Earth Too: The Rebirthening?!

Power Girl is flying around Metropolis Too while think-speaking to America. At first I just thought she was thinking to herself but when she's interrupted by a report of a robbery in progress, she thinks, "Oh, one sec." You don't say that if you're just thinking to yourself. So she's totally in a telepathic bond with America right now, discussing how much she loves Earth Too: The Rebirthening.

Seeing heroes as a boon and not a menace should be the lowest bar of a comic book world! Fuck, comics are in such a terrible state. Stop trying so hard to reflect the real world and maybe present a world of inspiration like you're supposed to be doing, comic books! Having that happen here on Earth Too: The Rebirthening shouldn't be an anomaly!

Instead of moving into the future and showing why people should totally be creaming their jeans for whatever version of Earth 2 will crop up in Rebirth, Power Girl decides to remind everybody of how terrible Earth 2 and World's End and Convergence and Earth Too: Society were. Normally, I wouldn't suggest recapping a series in the final issue¹. Also, I'm not suggesting it now, if that whole "normally" clause confused you into thinking I was going to conclude with an "in this case." My guess is that everybody reading this issue remembers how terrible all of the Earth 2 stories were. It was almost as if DC saw how popular the Injustice comic book was and was desperate to have that kind of thing happening in their canon universe. Maybe that would have been interesting if they didn't fuck over Earth 2 to do it.

The way Power Girl is explaining things, this feels like it should have been the Earth 2 Rebirth issue. But what new readers are hopping on at Issue #22 and thinking, "I hope this explains what this book has been about and where it's headed!"

Yeah, this is a good way to look at what happened. Just forget about all the non-Wonder survivors of Earth 2 who were wiped out of existence by the miraculous do-over.

This miracle is like the time the Non-Certified Spouse was told she was pregnant by about fifteen thousand home pregnancy tests (she's a bit obsessive) but was then menstruating two days later. Sure, I called that a miracle but some people might have looked side-eye at me for that proclamation! Thank you, Baby Jesus, for taking away my child (whom we named Astird (yes, like from The Office))! I didn't even pray for this great miracle! I always knew he was pro-choice!

One thing I learned from the experience is that these pregnancy tests that proclaim they can tell a woman if they're pregnant earlier than anybody else due to changing hormones and not due to a fertilized egg actually attaching to the uterine wall to set up shop for the next nine months are causing an epidemic of heartbreak and grief. I found a number of forums on the web where women were shattered that they had seemingly lost their baby in cases like these. To be fair, it's not simply the pregnancy test's fault. It's also the fault of the Anti-Choice people and their life begins at conception propaganda campaign. If a pregnancy stick says pregnant than the woman must be pregnant! It's not like science and biology are complicated matters! They're God's will! If a sperm fertilizes an egg, that's it! LIFE, MOTHERFUCKER! And if that egg doesn't attach or the body rejects it for whatever reason, your sins probably caused that to happen! And now you've killed your child, you selfish bastard!

Power Girl points out that, since this is a second chance, the Wonders are going to make it work this time. I guess they took the old world for granted and just shrugged off all the crime and disasters happening around them. This time, though, they're going to save everybody and Darkseid will never get a foothold on their Earth because they're all so damn vigilant now!

Hey kid! Watch the grabby hands!

To be fair to that kid, at least he isn't hanging on with his lips like some person I know that totally isn't me but, like, a friend or something.

Look at that previous scan. See that pudgy fuck with the old timey mustache? He's definitely a super villain.

According to Power Girl's summation of Earth Too: The Rebirthening, the defining characteristics of this new world are that Batman is a woman and Superman is black. Also probably that Green Lantern is gay. It's an Earth 2 for a new generation! The first Earth 2 was all white men and women (mostly men!) fighting Nazis. But then Earth 1 came along to update that old way of thinking, creating a world where white men and women (mostly men!) fought things other than Nazis. Now this new Earth 2 is about diversity! I guess this Earth 2 is in the DC You Universe?

At the weekly meeting of the Justice Society, we learn that Earth Too: The Rebirthening has a Lex Luthor and a Belle Reve. Also that the voice that's been alerting the Wonders to crimes is that of Oracle. Who is Oracle? Probably Batdick's computerized brainwaves. Remember how he had a broken back! Also maybe he's not totally dead or something (he isn't! He's last to arrive to the meeting which starts off with a total downer remembrance of everybody who died while trying to fix Earth 2 basically since The New 52 began).

The Ranking!
+1! This is where Earth 2 should have began when it started about a year into The New 52! All that other shit should have been brainstormed as background and not sold as a monthly comic book (weekly at times with World's End! UGH!) for five years! Anyway, I guess Earth 2 is now a kind of mish-mash of Pre-Crisis, Post-Zero-Hour, Pre-Infinite Crisis, Post-New-52, Prebirth, Afterbirth, Preboot, and Reboot universes! It's what DC Comics should always and never have been! Or something. Anyway, it at least ends in a way that makes a Rebirth Earth 2 possibly interesting.

_______________________
¹Oh god. Is this the final issue? I fucking hope this is the final issue!

Earth Too: Society #21

Seriously. How is this not over yet?!

The Review!
The main take away of this comic book is Vicente Cifuentes loves drawing huge breasts.

"Go! And strike that pose where you push your breasts out!"

Also in this issue: Ultra-Humanite kills Batdick and Green Lantern kills Ultra-Humanite. Oh! So who's the fascist now, Green Lantern?! So intolerant of hate and intolerance and murder. Who's the real Nazi, amirite? How fucking hypocritical to kill somebody who kills people! Fucking monster. And I would totally say the same things if he were straight! Although I wouldn't say any of what I just said if I wasn't pretending to be an idiot.

The Ranking!
I think I've punished this title enough. I'm only still reading it because it's the last book of The New 52 and I'm an idiot for deciding to read all of The New 52 comic books. But just for some criticism nostalgia, here's one of the reasons I hate this book. On the New Earth 2 (dubbed Earth Too by me in a way that confuses people with no sense of whimsy and too much sense of grammar and/or spelling mistakes), everybody was, once again, up in arms about the Wonders. "We hate them! Especially the robot!" they would chant in their marches against people who wear disgustingly tight spandex outfits. But now Earth Too has become Earth Too: The Rebirthening and guess what? The people of this Earth don't know what wonders are and are afraid of them. So, the usual, really. Which means that Fury has to have a scene speaking directly to about fifteen citizens telling them all about the Wonders and how wonderful they are and how they're going to save them all and be their protectors. You know, a speech that doesn't make an intelligent person's butthole crawl right up into their esophagus. Instead of just getting on with saving the world from the Ultra-Humantie, Fury now has to take time out of her busy day of punching Sandmen in the face to calm down the populace because of the history of populations all over several different Earths and Convergence-based locales hating superheroes. And it's not like she's even giving the speech to an international reporter with a camera crew so it doesn't just seem like an especially egregious waste of time. She's just telling a handful of people what's going on and making it sound super sketchy and a little bit too invasiony for the likes of most people. Half of the people probably don't even hear her message because it was muffled by her gigantic tits.

Now that I've said all of that, I've changed my mind. -1!

Earth Too: Society #20

How is this not over yet?!

So I guess we're not done with the everybody is afraid of superheroes stories yet?

It doesn't matter if they've seen Wonders or not, really.

This issue is a big fight with the Wonders coming out on top. Meanwhile the Bat-family are going to storm Ultra-Humanite's headquarters. Meanwhile meanwhile, Ultra-Humanite is going to unleash Green Lantern on the world so that he might destroy the Wonders. He's Ultra-Humanite's secret weapon.

What Did We Learn?
Why am I pretending this comic book is teaching the readers anything? I guess maybe it's teaching them patience as they wait for more actual plot each month? Perhaps it's teaching them to be frugal with their money by punishing them for blowing $2.99 on this boring garbage? I was really hoping it was going to get interesting on New New Earth 2 Too but instead it's just more of the same bullshit. Constant punching. Citizens afraid of superheroes. The barest minimum of story actually being told.

The Ranking!
-1! Look at that cover. Remember when Val-zod was a pacifist? I guess that twist was too hard to write around when 98% of all comic book problems are solved with violence.

Earth Too: Society #19

Tornado Lane is going to have a tough time going undercover.

The press should stop sending journalists to White House press conferences. Instead, they should just hire the guys from Jackass to attend them all. I wonder how many farts to the face or shaved hair ambushes or punches in the balls Sean Spicer could take while acting like he's in on the joke before he quits his lie-telling job?

Today on Tumblr, some anon told me to kill myself. Son, I've been playing Call of Duty for years. When you tell me to kill myself, all I hear is "Good job owning me completely!"

On New New Earth 2 Too, the Wonders discover they're still being hunted by The Sandmen. The whole "undercover" bit on the cover is just some time-wasting until the Sandmen can attack before they can actually do anything undercover. Meanwhile the Bat-family are rescued by Steel who turns on them for arbitrary reasons. The only actual reveal in this issue comes on the last page (of course) just to be shocking when it could have been revealed much earlier and provided for more actual story. The whole premise of this issue was to have the reader thinking, "Who is The Director?! Who is The Director?! He's wearing purple and green armor so it must be...well, it must be Ultra-Humanite since he was pretty much the only villain left from Earth Too.

What Did We Learn?
I think perhaps we learned that DC Comics signed a contract with Dan Abnett to write a certain number of Earth 2 books before they had solidified their Rebirth plans. Now he's stuck dragging out this Earth 2 story until he fulfills the contract and everybody can go back to not giving a shit about this version of Earth 2. Although I'm sure DC Comics will decided to throw more money at the concept by rebooting this world as Earth 2 Rebirth. If so, it'll be the first Rebirth book that I don't even give a chance.

The Ranking!
-1! Nothing fucking happened!

Green Lanterns #4

Once again, this comic book has way too many artists working on it. The cover says seven but the credits page lists eleven. I'm not an expert but I think that indicates a problem.

The Review!
This comic book isn't as bad as I'll make it seem in the following commentary. But I've declared I will never again complain about the thing that I complain about in the following commentary. I'm practicing not complaining about it right now! I'm using Green Lantern levels of will not to talk about it! It's not even that big a deal, really. It's just a little pet peeve I have that apparently nobody else has which is why comic books are so Goddamned fucking terrible now! I mean, um, it's not a problem at all! No big deal! It's not even like it's something new! People do it all the time and have for decades! It can even be used to good affect when done well and by a writer I have declared an oath of undying fealty for. But Sam Humphries has yet to impress me in a way that would keep his use of those things I don't complain about anymore from bothering me at all.

The Commentary!
I didn't hate this comic book when it began. I didn't even hate it three issues later when Simon Baz and Jessica Cruz kept speaking directly to the reader. I didn't want to hate a person I've never met before and who will likely never have any effect on my life ever. I didn't want to but here I am. I hate Sam Humphries. He broke me and this is the Narration Box that did it:

"Hello, Simon! I'm Tess, the meanest comic book critic ever!"

It was cute last issue when Jess thought, "OMG I am the worst Green Lantern." It was cute because she thought it just moments after Bleez threw her through an office building. It is not cute this issue when Simon Baz thinks the same thing. Not just because Sam Humphries already used this line since I can kind of understand how he's using it on purpose to compare the two new recruits and their ultimate lack of self-confidence in their ability to do this job. They both offer up a strong facade but are terribly concerned that they will fail Earth. What pisses me off about this moment is that goddamned fucking "Hello!" Who the fuck does he think he is? Larry of Larry, Daryl, and Daryl? Lenny and/or Squiggy? Some character who says "Hello!" when coming on scene but whom young people would recognize?! Hell, he's not even one of those characters because at least those characters were saying "Hello!" to other fucking characters. They didn't look at the camera and acknowledge the audience and wave and wink.

I don't know what to fucking do. This kind of shit has become such a standard trope in comic books that nobody cares or notices. Hell, I think the majority of people like this stupid shit. But then the majority of people are assholes and morons who think they're way smarter than they really are. They want heroes to tell them everything inside the hero's stupid head. Stories in third person which remain outside of the character's mind are just way too ambiguous. And how would a comic book like this work without being privy to all of Jess's and Si's thoughts, right?! We have to see how they think so we can compare and contrast their styles and attitudes! No way we could have any opinion on the two of them without knowing every thought in their stupid fucking heads. I mean, look at The X-Files? It didn't do that and it was complete and utter shit, right?

Of course it wasn't, asshole. That was the point. Now get the fuck off of my lawn while I read this rest of this comic book I already know will be garbage because I'm only on page one and it's put me in a terribly foul mood.

Maybe I'm a Red Lantern!

Simon and Jessica plunge into the Hell Tower which is actually the opposite of a tower. Maybe Atrocitus thought The Hell Well was too cutesy. Jessica has been infected with the Rage so she isn't working with Simon. Usually that wouldn't be a big deal because one Green Lantern is as good as two Green Lanterns, right? But remember how Hal Jordan insured that there would be easy tension and drama by forcing Si and Jess to share a battery? Remember how they could only recharge their rings together? Yeah, remember that caveat and conundrum? Well, guess what? You get a Mini-Grandmaster Comic Book Reader Ribbon if you guessed Simon's ring is running out of juice! Oh, Green Lantern comic book! You never fail to make me think, "What am I doing with my fucking life?"

Simon only has 2.2% charge left in his ring which is ridiculous because I'm constantly being reminded that the Green Lantern ring is the greatest weapon in the entire universe. And yet the stupid thing is constantly low on charge when it's most needed. I guess Simon is going to have to destroy the Hell Well with his pistol.

Meanwhile in Dearborn, Michigan, Simon's relatives are bickering because there's a Bohemian Guardian of the Universe in the pantry. He reveals he's as nutty as the other Bohemian Guardians even though he's of a different variety. I don't know where Kyle's Bohemian Guardians wound up. This Guardian finally reveals the name of the ring he brought with him: The Phantom Ring! It sounds so mysterious! And probably not real. This guy is kind of crazy. But he also knows a secret about why Earth suddenly needed two new Green Lanterns when they already had five or six times more than any other planet in the entire universe. But all of that stuff probably won't be revealed until The Hell Well is destroyed.

Simon's ring didn't have enough energy to do a med scan of Jessica or to find a nearby lost teddy bear. But it does have enough energy to do that impossible healing thing Simon Baz does! I'm totally enthusiastically smiling and excited about this revelation! Really I am!

How many more stupid pages is this stupid comic book that's stupid?

Jessica begins to feel less angry and decides to quit. Good! If you quit then Simon has to quit because he can't use the battery without you and then I never have to read this comic book again! If there's even the slightest possibility I might read another Narration Box where a character says hello directly to me, it's worth shutting down this entire series.

Stop it! Stop trying to talk her out of it! Let her quit! Put me out of my misery!

See? These two don't have the confidence that they want everybody to believe they have. Not that I had to put any thought into this comic book to reach that conclusion. All the thinking was done for me! Narration Boxes are the equivalent of those rails that keep the kiddie cars on the tracks at places like Disneyland. They're the bumpers in bumper bowling. They're the cliff notes published in the margins of the book the notes are for. They're the red hot pokers and bamboo slivers jammed under my fingernails. And they're so ubiquitous that I'm bored ranting about them. I'll never fucking mention them again because it seems like all I write about lately. I wish something that mattered would make my blood boil the way these shitty Narration Boxes do!

Jess and Si patch up their differences, recharge their rings, and climb out of The Hell Well. Waiting for them at the top of the well are Atrocitus and his Red Lanterns. Surprisingly, they don't immediately kill Simon and Jessica. Instead, Atrocitus tells them he'll let one of them live. That one will be the one who kills the other Green Lantern. Nice try, Atrocitus! But they just got the whole good guys battling each other thing out of their system this issue. Next issue is way too soon for another physical confrontation between the two Green Lanterns! I mean, I know Si and Jess are going to wind up fighting each other many times across this series. But they can't do it every single issue!

One of the Red Lanterns with Atrocitus is Zilius Zox. How come nobody remember he died in Red Lanterns Annual #1?! This isn't the first time he's been back after dying which probably explains why he's still around. Because somebody else fucked up and brought him back and now nobody realizes he was killed. Oh well. This is Rebirth, after all! It's as good a time as any to declare Zilius Zox's death was exaggerated.

Aquaman #52

"Ay! Yo! I talks ta fish 'n shit."

The Review or Whatever!
I hope when Wally West returned for Rebirth, he was able to remind people that Aquaman isn't a bad-ass at all and is really just a joke! We all know he's a joke! He'll never be more than a joke! All of you Aquaman defenders know it too! You must be so tired of trying to convince everybody that they shouldn't be laughing so hard at Aquaman riding a giant seahorse! You're all, "No! That's Pre-Crisis Aquaman! That's not Modern Aquaman! Modern Aquaman is all grim and stoic! He's so strong that he...stop giggling! You just don't get it!" Then they do a quick internet image search to find this picture to prove that Aquaman is a bad-ass:

How is Aquaman doing his version of Sharknado supposed to prove that he isn't silly and stupid?

I think Aquaman might be off the hook now because Geoff Johns just wandered into my sights! Look at that stupid fucking sharks eating parademons moment! That moment could be the definition of Geoff Johns. He has a way of finding the most stupidly ridiculous thing or idea to incorporate into his comic book that somehow hits just the right note with a certain type of comic book fan! You know what kind of comic book fan I'm talking about. No, no. You know. It's what I call Geoff John's Drunk Ideas Made Reality. He and some friend he can bounce ideas off of go out and get pissed until Johns comes up with a list of stupid fucking ideas that he can work into a nonsensical story that really goes nowhere but has enough stupid twists that fangenders (this might be one of those times I can actually just say fanboys!) ruin their underwear over. And because he's in creative control of the universe, he can make any "What-If" scenario he comes up with, no matter how stupid, into actual continuity. Just like how he retconned Aquaman into not being a joke!

Currently Aquaman is off battling Scavenger. It sounds pretty boring if you remember Scavenger is just some guy in scuba gear that has shark teeth painted on the mask. But this is the New 52 and Improved Scavenger! This is Scavenger in a Robotic Suit comparable to anything Batman has! I mean, it wasn't forged in the heart of a sun and imbued with the purity of fifty-eight virgins or anything. But then he's only battling Aquaman, so it's not like it has to have every bell and rape whistle. Scavenger built the suit because his plan is to kill Aquaman and then nobody will be able to stop him from looting the ocean of every bit of valuable whatever within it. That seems like a stupid plan. Is that how it would work if I wanted to get into bank robbing? I should kill the sheriff in my town and then I'll be free to rob banks willy-nilly?

Mera is currently dealing with her own problems. Dead Water managed to shed a tear even though the comic book expressly told the readership that that was totally fucking impossible. But, well, you know how it is. Last issue was super boring when Mera was just asking Dead Water questions. And I whined about it the entire time! So I should be happy that the rules were broken and Dead Water is free! Plus I get to look at pictures of Mera looking hot while fighting.

She literally didn't need to add literally. Plus I think her suit is way lower cut than in the previous issue.

Dead Water escapes because even though Mera tried to completely dehydrate him, she must have left one tear inside him. Or maybe it was a wet fart. So now Dead Water has gone after Aquaman although I think he's really after Scavenger so Aquaman's problems might soon just sort themselves out.

The whole middle of the comic book is Dead Water's origin story as explained by Scavenger. Now, I know I often wish comic books had more down time and less punching but holy shit is Aquaman's down time boring! I wish Scavenger weren't so willing to acquiesce and blab the whole story! Put up a fight, dummy! I don't really care if I never know how this guy Payne became Dead Water! It's not like the origin story explains it anyway. Payne just came into contact with water that was different than water but still water. How does that explain anything? Now because he touched #waternotwater, he can become a sea serpent that transmutes its body into water? Oh! Okay! I'm glad that was explained so scientifically!

Look, comic book. Just be a comic book. Don't try to be more than you are and become a scientific paper up for review. Just sit there on the steps of Congress and shut the fuck up.

Payne interrupts Snorefest 2.0 just as Scavenger was about to reveal that the Weird Water came from Atlantis's sewage outflow system! Probably!

Aquaman winds up murdering Payne after Payne almost kills Scavenger. Although Payne's death is probably more "Suicide By Aquaman" than murder. Scavenger gets to live because he's been a part of Aquaman's history for a long time and he knows the secret location of the Weird Water. But he's in a coma so that Aquaman doesn't get any answers just yet! I mean, first Dan Abnett has to think up a semi-interesting story with long, dull moments surrounding the Weird Water!

Aquaman #51

Pickle Boy Comic Book Fact #1: Covers with Aquaman being beaten to a pulp sell more copies than covers where he looks triumphant.

The Review!
I hope Cullen Bunn's friend doesn't comment on my review of this comic book because he's so fucking boring! He's always all, "Pretentious bullshit, pretentious bullshit, defend Cullen Bunn's version of Twat Lobo and Aquacarter of Mars." It's like he doesn't understand satire, sarcasm, parody, and whatever the fuck I'm actually doing which isn't any of those things I just wrote but I'd like to think are those things because they sound intelligent. He's a total bummer! Not a bummer like a UK Slang bummer! I mean a bummer like an American Slang bummer which is a downer! Every time I see he's commented on a commentary, I groan really loudly and kick my feet and roll my eyes and yell, "I don't wanna read this garbage!" Then I usually don't respond because I did respond once in a funny manner but he took it totally the wrong way and flipped the fuck out in the way that online commenters love to do! You know, I don't even have a proper review of this issue because I expect the boring fuck to tell me what I should have thought when reading this. Which will probably be something like, "This story is nowhere as exciting as Cullen Bunn's story! His ass tastes so good! Mmmm!"

The Commentary!
If I were the editor of Aquaman at DC Comics, I would insist that he be left in a worse position than he was in when the comic book began every fucking issue. It would be editorially mandated that Aquaman never have anything go right for him. I bet it would be a terrific seller! People would begin picking it up because they couldn't resist seeing how far Aquaman could still fall. Not every month would be something hugely dramatic though. Sometimes he might just have severe diarrhea while trying to attend a Justice League meeting. Maybe one issue he would be proudly sporting a new fedora while everybody snickered behind his back. What I'm saying is Aquaman shouldn't pretend to be anything but the laughingstock he was meant to be! Bad-ass doesn't look good on Arthur. Riding on the back of a gigantic seahorse does!

This issue begins twelve hours before it should since on page three the narration box says "Twelve Hours Earlier." It begins in the future with Scavenger and his gang of scavengers scavenging on the bottom of the ocean. But they get news that Aquaman is hunting them which totally sounds like an exciting time! But then the whole twelve hours earlier thing happens and now I have to slog through a bunch of boring prologue before getting back to the chase. Come on, comic book! If I wanted boring story and setup, I'd be reading a real book!

The first half of the comic is just Aquaman questioning the guy who transforms into the sea beast, Dead Water. If you're into Aquaman being boring like he usually is, this is totally the comic book for you. But at least he doesn't have every super power in the world and traveling into outer space! At least Mera looks hot in her new Aquaman costume.

Although she's acting really boring too!

Ten pages of boring conversation with the man who can transform into Dead Water later and the comic book returns to the present where all of the excitement was about to happen before it was interrupted by boredom and more boredom. That's the problem with flashing back to the beginning of a story! All of that explication was unnecessary! I don't care what Dead Water's motives were for killing the people he killed! Aquaman could have simply found out the name of his previous employer, realized it was The Scavenger, and begun the chase! Maybe I really should be editing this comic book!

The chase is pretty boring too. Basically Aquaman searches Scavenger's old bases until he finds him and then the comic book ends with the cover image. Also Dead Water got out of the dehydration chamber by crying. See, he wasn't really able to cry but he finally got so sad that he managed it. So Aquaman is having trouble with Scavenger and Mera is having trouble with Dead Water and I'm having trouble liking Aquaman.

Action Comics #50

I got the special Ruin the Original Cover With Adverts Variant!

Action Comics #50 Rating: No change.

Twitter would be better if it didn't allow people to comment on other people's tweets. Fully 95% of people should just stop having opinions because their opinions are boring, uninteresting, and poorly thought out. Most Reply Jokes on Twitter are just people restating the original joke in an unsubtle way and thinking that they're fucking hilarious. But I guess replying to people is the entire point of Twitter anyway. Nobody really fucking cares what anybody else has to say anyway. They just want a forum to spew their narcissistic thoughts to the other narcissists who aren't listening anyway. We know this is true because anybody who follows more than around fifty people can't be paying any attention to what the people they're following are tweeting. People who follow hundreds or thousands of other people on Twitter may as well be following nobody because their Twitter feed is now just white noise from the thousands of posts scrolling through their feed every minute.

Tumblr would be better if most of the people using Tumblr didn't exist. Fully 95% of the people on Tumblr are cats willingly walking into a room full of people in rocking chairs trying to get their tails under one of the rails so they can scream and hiss at the person having a lovely day rocking. They're people desperate to have a condition in the DSM to use as armor against any kind of criticism while at the same time moaning about how the DSM has now labeled their cognitive state as a disorder. They're kids rushing toward androgyny so that they can spit in the face of anybody who honestly misgenders them with no malice intended. They're a generation who seem to believe the greatest power they can wield is crushing free speech by ridiculing those who actually understand why it's important. You guys, they literally believe the word literally makes everything literally more literal.

Facebook would be better if it just didn't exist. Do I really need to know how many of my relatives are mean-spirited racist assholes or easily hurt downers with a mental state more fragile than their collection of crystal unicorns? How many hours of inner contemplation and self-betterment are lost to shitty games with Saga or Ville in the title? A little piece of my metaphorical soul dies every time I see any "news" story on the Trending Sidebar. And what is Facebook really used for anyway? It's pretty much just Birth Announcements and Pet Obituaries.

Blogs would be better if the people running the blogs stopped writing them as if they're speaking to an audience. Because--let's face the horribly unjust facts of my life--nobody is reading anything on the internet unless it's so they can reply with their own opinions on the topic of the blog. Nobody is entertained by other people's thoughts anymore. They just want a forum to spew forth their unwanted and probably unwashed opinions. Which is why I'm going to stop offering any and all opinions on everything. Because nobody fucking gives a shit. They just look at the title of the post and scroll down to the Comments section where they can tell me what they thought of the comic in the title. One of first people who began commenting on my blog eventually became somebody that I was glad to see commenting and with whom I eventually enjoyed interacting. But when he first began commenting? I was fucking annoyed with him! He began by simply posting his own reviews of the comic books in the comments section! I'd rather have people swinging by calling me "Lead Twat" and then getting super pissed off at me for "personal attacks" when I shot back at them and called them a dum-dum! But that's part of the problem as well! People who do actually react to my "reviews" might take them personally and then personally attack me in the comments because they feel justified. So they tend to think I fired the first shot when I can hardly even remember what stupid shit I typed the day after I typed it!

None of this has anything to do with Action Comics. But then, most of what I've written in my "comic book reviews" has very little to do with the actual comic! If you want a real review, there are plenty of shit people writing dishonest reviews because they're so afraid of pissing off any of the creators they may have once met at a con and now think of as a personal friend. Here's a quote from the Weird Science blog's Telos #6 Review to show I did the least amount of research as possible to back up my point: "I hate saying all of this because Jeff King could possibly be the nicest dude in the world and if not the nicest, he's definitely in the running......... I just don't like this series." Why does that guy use so many periods? Doesn't he know there are kids in Africa who can't end their sentences without sounding too excited or unsure because of his waste?

Regarding that last paragraph, I suppose that wasn't a dishonest review. But you can see the writer's trepidation in voicing an honest opinion because he didn't want to hurt Jeff King's feelings. Look, Eric (I think that was his name)! Don't worry about hurting a creator's feelings! They received a nice paycheck to compensate them for the amount of internet shit they're going to get over every single stupid thing they write. You know why I don't mind calling Scott Lobdell the poster child for the dangers of unsafe sex? Because he's fucking swimming in X-men cash! He doesn't give a shit what I have to say because he's got the greatest shield in the world: scads and scads of money! If he really cared about criticism, he'd stop writing garbage, right?! The only writing he really fucking seems to care about is when he's endorsing his checks at the bank. And even then, I bet his signature is mostly a line. Wait! I can actually verify that! Let me see. Where is the Big Book of First Issues he unwittingly signed for me as I stood there thinking, "You write shit, mate." Oh! Here it is beside me. Let me have a look . . . yep. Mostly a line. He can't even be bothered with his own name!

All of this is to say nothing because here I am writing a blog on the internet, posting on Tumblr, linking it to Twitter, and, occasionally, sending it over to Facebook so my friends and family can think, "What the fuck is this asshole doing with his life?" Here are my shit opinions on what is primarily shit pop culture, internet! Suck it!

A lot of the worst New 52/DC You material has just been ideas cobbled from Young Justice episodes but done much worse.

It's not that Young Justice didn't take ideas from pre-existing DC Comic book stories as well. It's just that they incorporated previous DC History into a show that took the DC Universe in its own direction (you know, an interesting one). So they took the Glorious Godfrey idea of turning the masses against the heroes and they took the whole metagene Bloodlines thing and they threw them in the Young Justice slow cooker as part of the big story. But I can't help feeling that this whole House of Dawn thing is a bit too reminiscent of Young Justice: Invasion where Vandal Savage and a host of other baddies created a secret society to turn a bunch of humans into superbeings whom they could control in an effort to take over the world. The bad guys even have a similar name for the group since in the cartoon it's The Light and here it's Dawn Command. Or Savage Dawn. Or Dawn of the Dum-Dums.

Luckily for those people who haven't been writing a blog about comic books to help them remember everything that has been going on in every monthly title DC puts out, Vandal Savage recounts the events of the Superman titles across the last year. He doesn't tie them together as neatly as he should because they don't really tie together that neatly. When all the events are mentioned quickly in the space of a couple of pages though, it sounds sort of like he had a plan that made sense. The gist of it is that Superman lost his powers and Vandal Savage drained them. With the power he stole from Superman that he could have just taken directly from the sun and in bigger quantities although that story would have been boring shit, Vandal has merged the JLA Watchtower with the Fortress of Solitude with The Eye of the Storm to create a comet magnet. Now he's going to capture the comet that gave him his powers so that he can have more power than even the power he stole from Superman or could have taken directly from the sun. And he's captured the entire Justice League so nobody can stop him now!

I mean, Superman will probably stop him. But probably not in this issue. That will probably happen in Superman #50.

Just fucking use solar power already! Stop bothering with the negligible amount of energy in Lex Luthor's fat cells. He got all of that energy from the sun to begin with!

I've never understood power as the motivation for being an evil villain. Why would anybody want to bother? Vandal Savage is immortal and has the resources to live any kind of unfettered life he'd like to live. But he'd rather spend his time causing all of this drama? I guess the power of the comet is like super-heroin.

Meanwhile, Superman is now powered by Kryptonite. It's a comic book so it doesn't have to make sense. All a comic book has to do is present an idea while raising its eyebrows and going, "Hunh? Hunh? Never thought of that before, did you?!" The idea this time is "What if Superman used Kryptonite as chemotherapy?!?!?!?!?!" I had to add all of the extra punctuation because that's how I imagine the idea was presented at the yearly "What the fuck kind of stupid ass stories are we going to put Superman in this year?" corporate board meeting.

Vandal Savage shoots Superman out of the sky while Kal is using his new Kryptonite Flight Power which works differently than his Yellow Sun Flight Power.

Batman finishes the "more importantly" statement with "he always has friends" and I sprain my wrist doing a jerking off motion.

So basically Superman's plan is to have friends. Is that really a solid plan? I currently have a friend on Facebook asking her friends for help moving and apparently nobody is responding because she sent out the second message after the plea for help which is always the "shame on you all for not helping me" message. I bet that really got everybody running to the door to help out! I suppose I could have volunteered to help but my plan is not to have friends. My plan is to do everything myself and only interact with other people when I absolutely have to.

Yeah because that would have been a dick thing to say! "Hey, friends! You're my back-up plan! But know this: there's no chance you're going to be able to do anything if me and the Justice League couldn't! Pathetic B-List losers!"

Superman's plan to have friends means he has to save his friends. So that might be a bit of a flaw in his plan. It's why he had a secret identity! So his friends don't get in the way of his plans! But now Vandal Savage has to punch Superman a whole bunch of times because Vandal's plan is to distract Superman with punches until the next part of the plan takes place. The next part is when the comet is close enough to Earth to turn all of Savage's offspring into super assholes.

All of Superman's friends ask themselves, "What would Superman do?" And the answer to that is "throw his life away by relying on friends instead of making plans." So they all stick around Metropolis as the Eye of the Storm begins crashing into it. If I were one of Superman's friends, I'd ask myself, "Which one of us can stop that fucking comet since that's Vandal's main plan? Shouldn't Green Lantern be stopping it or something instead of just battling Vandal on his ship? I mean, if you stop the comet, you stop his plans. So, um, you know. Someone? Zatanna maybe? She can say "Comet be gone!" backwards, right?"

Vandal begins to show compassion for his children this issue because it mirrors Superman's feelings for his friends. But Vandal is just using them for his own ends while Superman . . . well, Superman is technically using his friends for his own ends too. Except his ends aren't selfish so it's okay to manipulate people towards his goals. I mean, not that he's manipulating them! He's, um, inspiring them! Inspiring them to be great enough to throw their lives away! If I were Jimmy Olsen, I would be inspired to call Green Lantern to stop that comet.

Vandal sends his children on a shuttle towards the comet to see if he'll survive close proximity to it. He and Superman are also on the shuttle. I mean, they're literally on the shuttle and not in it like the passengers are. Vandal shoots Superman and kills him while Vandal hops off the shuttle to land on the ground in a broken, immortal heap. I'm sure he'll be fine by Superman #50. Superman, meanwhile, falls into the Fortress of Solitude which finally recognizes him and restores him to greatness. So that's all he needed to get his powers back? Find somebody who could lift that stupid oversized key to unlock the Fortress and let him in?

Now that Superman has his powers back, he doesn't need his friends because he can just punch his way through all of his problems. And now that Vandal's children have become super children thanks to the comet, their plan is to punch their way through the problem (which is Superman). So even with all the talk of needing plans to win, it's all going to come down to a slugfest anyway. Oh comic books. Don't ever change. And by that I mean change. Fucking just change already. I'm tired of your shit.

Green Lantern #50

Parallax, Hal Jordan, and now movie Green Lantern as well? What an orgy! I mean fight!

Really, DC? I'm going to have to pay five bucks for every 50th issue? It's not like 50 is a big deal when it comes to monthly publications! Forty-eight, maybe. Or sixty. But fifty? That's a celebration of somebody's four year, two month anniversary! Why bother? Although, I suppose, if you include the Zero and the Villain's Month and the Futures End Issues, this is more like Issue #53. Which is even less impressive than fifty. I guess because we use a base ten numeric system, we can't help but regard the number fifty as special. Although combining our calendar system with our base ten system, Issue #60 would be more special since it's the five year anniversary of a comic. But you know what? I don't run your company! You do what you think is best, DC Comics. Besides, it's not like any of these comic books are going to reach Issue #60 with Rebirth.

This issue basically begins with a double splash page of a barren waste. Way to get my boner to grow back inside of my body, DC! I paid five bucks for this?! I know I shouldn't judge just four pages in but what else do I have going on in my life? If I can't feel good about my own accomplishments, I'd at least like to feel good about shitting all over somebody else's!

The barren waste is Coast City from the old DC Universe. Remember when it was destroyed by Cyborg Superman and Green Lantern flipped the fuck out? Then he became Parallax and all of the Hal Jordan fans went, "What the fuck are you doing, DC? Fuck you. Fuck you and your mother and your father and all future generations! I mean, obviously a comic book company doesn't have a mother or father or plans for any future progeny. But fuck you anyway, you fuckers!" But all the people who weren't fans of Hal Jordan were all, "Ha ha!" Until Kyle Rayner became a Green Lantern while holding his dick in his hands. And then they were all, "Oh. Maybe I laughed too soon." Okay fine. That was just my reaction. Apparently fans loved Kyle Rayner because he was a representation of the common comic book reader and creator. This was represented by how he became a hero with his dick in his hands.

The barren waste double splash page gives way to a Coast City is Alive! double splash page because art. Art is defined as taking a person's money and giving them the barest minimum of bullshit, right? Anyway, Parallax is happy to be in a universe where Coast City hasn't been destroyed. A universe where his failures aren't starkly represented by the smoking crater of his home town. Of course, it isn't his home town. But Parallax is a crazy fucker so it's good enough.

Parallax decides he'll spend the rest of his life protecting Coast City. That means he must protect it from the one person who would destroy it! Cyborg Superman!

I mean Hal Jordan! Wait. What?

Whatever. I suppose this makes sense because Parallax and Hal Jordan have to fight or else how could this be a super hero comic book? Good intentions always result in a miscommunication that turns into fisticuffs. If I want to get into the psychology of Parallax, I guess I could defend his belief that Hal Jordan will be the cause of Coast City's destruction. Parallax still blames himself. Or, at least, the old self he used to be. Coast City was destroyed because he failed it. He's such an egomaniac that he can't even blame the actual person who destroyed the city. It was Hal Jordan's responsibility to protect it and thus it was Hal Jordan who eventually destroyed it. So now his old self must be punished for failing Coast City.

Also, Parallax is insane. Not in a "I have mental issues and I take umbrage with labeling everybody 'crazy' or 'insane' because I'm not like that!" No, of course you're not like that, people with various mental health issues that are all completely different and in no way indicative of anybody else's mental health issues. Parallax is old school comic book crazy. He's a narcissist. He's a mass murderer. He's a megalomaniac. He's the hero of his own story but his story is a fucking Mad Lib filled out by people who don't know the difference between a gerund and a type of animal. Idiots.

Hal Jordan is busy feeling sorry for himself because he couldn't stop a Ferris wheel from falling on his nephew.

Save this speech for Parallax, Hal Jordan's brother!

Just like fucking Hal Jordan. His brother's kid almost died and Hal Jordan goes about feeling sorry for himself. So now Hal's brother has to make Hal feel better when Hal should be strong for his brother! Fucking baby. I bet he still thinks Carol Ferris was the problem in their relationship.

Hal and his brother's family head to the park to fly a drone about and Parallax shows up to make things weird. Hal doesn't understand why some villain would pretend to be him until the villain starts acting like a crazed, power-hungry egomaniac. And then Hal is all, "Oh yeah! You are me!"

For a guy who wants to protect Coast City, Parallax is doing a pretty poor job of it already. I suppose he didn't say he cared about protecting the cars of Coast City.

Hal explains to Parallax how everything that happened to Parallax in the old DC Universe also happened to him. But it had to have happened differently, right? Because, I mean, the Death of Superman had to have happened differently. Because Cyborg Superman wasn't a thing. Hank Henshaw has only recently returned from his space mission in Lois and Clark. The Cyborg Superman of the DC Youniverse is a totally different creature who couldn't give a fuck about destroying Coast City. But apparently Hal Jordan lives in a more integrated DC Youniverse than Superman because Green Lantern was being written by Geoff Johns during The New 52 transition. I probably shouldn't even try thinking about how it all fits together because Rebirth is coming and it's all going to be different soon anyway. Again.

Hal defeats Parallax not through some creatively written way that I used to expect from comic book writers. No, Hal simply beats Parallax by declaring he's more powerful and having more will and making a bigger light show. I don't know about anybody else but I'm a bit bored of all the battles that simply come down to the hero simply having more heart than his enemies. So boring. He could have at least used his ring to make a huge Tiamat to drive off Parallax. But, being Hal, he simply made a giant version of himself. It's the greatest weapon he could come up with!

Green Lantern #50 Rating: No change. Hopefully the new Green Lantern Rebirth will simply be DC's admission that they don't have any idea what Hal Jordan's past is like anymore and that they're throwing their hands in the air and just accepting every story ever written as canon. Let the fucking readers sort it out.

Aquaman #48

I think I said something about being developmentally arrested last commentary?

Rating: Minus all of the numbers.

Sorry, Dan Abnett! You're going to have a tough time crawling out of the hole Cullen Bunn dug for this book! This was the worst ending to a multi-part story that I've ever read in all of my time reading stories! And I didn't even like this story! It could have ended almost any other way and I would have yawned less! Just a little bit less, of course. Even before Cullen Bunn ruined Aquaman, I didn't care about him.

If there's one uplifting thing to take away from this Aquaman story line, it's this: follow your dreams, kids! Anybody can do anything if they only suck the right number of dicks along the way! Because if a writer this awful can get multiple writing gigs at the mainstream comic book companies even though he obviously doesn't give a shit about the characters, then you can do whatever stupid and awful thing you want to do too! Want to become a lawyer but you don't give a shit about the legal system or helping the wrongly accused or maybe prosecuting monsters? You just want to be introduced to people as a lawyer? Go for it! Take heart in the knowledge that Cullen Bunn has been able to write comic books for a living and he's terrible at it!

I'm such an optimist!

Aquaman #47

Why is Hal Jordan suddenly back on Earth and acting like a normal Green Lantern? Why did DC just abandon Simon Baz?!

Last issue ended with Amnesty Bay being attacked by Thule. This issue begins with Aquaman ready to defend Amnesty Bay alongside Wonder Woman. I guess Aquadog sent out the Aquasignal!

The first thing I notice is a note that says this story takes place before Batman #40. That's convenient! I'm not going to do the research but I'm pretty sure if I dug deep enough, Aquaman's and Wonder Woman's new costumes existing before Bruce Wayne's "death" will probably cause the entire timeline to unravel. But anything for the sake of having real Batman in this issue! And Hal Jordan thrown in for good measure. Maybe Kyle Rayner can even make an appearance!

The rest of the Justice League have also come along to help out which only causes more problems. Like the way Superman has his depowered haircut but he's using his heat vision. Maybe that's not really Superman because he's using his heat vision to burn the face off of a Thulean which would usually go against his ethics. Maybe the Thuleans aren't considered sentient beings?

Error! Error! Superman has his powers and short hair and Bruce Wayne is in the batsuit and Hal Jordan is in Green Lantern gear and Aquaman has his new costume and his new trident switchblade and Wonder Woman is in her new costume and *STEAM SMOKE MELTDOWN*!

Batman needed to be in this story so he could tell Aquaman he fucked up. Aquaman is all, "I know, I know! Do you see how my raging boner isn't so raging?!" And Wonder Woman is all, "Yeah! Your new costume has an erect phallus coming up from your groin and my new costume highlights my vadge!"

Batman convinces Aquaman that goofing off isn't solving any problems so it's time to actually rescue the Atlanteans trapped in Thule. Now that he has help, he might be able to do it and save Mera and free Atlantis all at the same time and by the end of this comic, God willing! And then maybe Cullen Bunn will never again be allowed near Aquaman. I don't even care about Aquaman and I'm upset that his book has been fucked up to this extent!

Garth and Tula and their crew of misfits finally realize that maybe they don't know exactly what's going on. They decide to stop pursuing Aquaman and just see what happens. What happens is Aquaman heads to Atlantis to fight the Atlantean army on his own while the Justice League head to Thule to have a big double page fantasy battle where Batman gets to ride a dragon.

Most of the action takes place in Narration Boxes as Aquaman explains the story so far. It takes far too many pages for me to believe this pulp fiction Aquaman story is going to end this month. It's also not exciting enough to talk about. It's just dry narration with shots of Aquaman beating up Atlanteans.

I hope the sacrifice is giving up his new powers! I hope the sacrifice is not Aquadog.

The issue ends with Cullen Bunn finally getting one thing right: Mera saves herself from the Thulean Sorcerers. She's only about five thousand times more powerful than Aquaman. At least she was. I think Aquaman has every super power in the book now, thanks to Poseidon.

Oh, I suppose he got another thing half-right earlier that I forgot to mention! Aquaman actually speaks with fish this issue. The only problem is that he speaks with a monstrously huge deep sea serpent thing that rivals Topo! If Aquaman has access to monsters like that, why does he ever call anything else to fight his battles? Fuck the seahorses with saddles! Aquaman should be riding a sea serpent!

Aquaman #47 Rating: No change. It'll be nearly a year soon and nobody in the art or editorial departments at DC Comics have noticed or cared that Aquaman is sporting a huge boner in his new costume? I suppose that's the least of their worries seeing as how Cullen Bunn has been taking a huge shit on Aquaman's legacy every month for the same amount of time. Maybe this book has just become too artsy and complicated for me! Also I find myself constantly touching my penis whenever Aquaman's boner is on-panel. It's so huge!

Aquaman #46

This cover sent me down the trans-rabbit hole beginning here.

Aquaman has been on some pulpy pulp adventures recently and they'll probably continue right up until you see an Aquaman comic book on the stands without "Bunn" on the cover. He's also obtained any power he needs to solve any plot problem that swims along because Poseidon decided to bless him even though Aquaman doesn't believe in gods (according to the Aquaman of the current run of JLA). He's lost his wife and his kingdom and his ability to say he's never been raped. Hopefully this story has been going six issues now so that it can mercifully end to be reprinted in a trade with which everybody will be disappointed. Even Cullen Bunn seems to have admitted that this entire run on Aquaman has been terrible and unwarranted from the start. Although he probably used different words like "people were mean to me!" and "I was coerced into writing this!" and "Have you read Harrow County yet? I actually care about that book!"

This issue begins with Aquaman returning to Earth and immediately choking the fuck out of Extriax who is a character in this story. It's not the usual way most people begin conversations but Extriax takes it in stride. Heroes are allowed to choke the fuck out of whomever they want because they're heroes. Whatever they do must be the right thing because they're on the side of the just! If Aquaman chokes the fuck out of Extriax because Aquaman is dealing with his anger of being raped, it must be the morally just reaction to Extriax's not stopping the rape from happening. I mean, Extriax must be at fault, right? Why would Aquman cause harm to a good person?

"Look at my violated boner, old man! LOOK AT IT!"

Aquaman declares that he will go rescue Mera now that he realizes she's in danger. He probably should have realized it earlier when Mera was suddenly acting nothing like Mera and was sending people to kill him and declaring that she will protect Atlantis at any cost even though she's never before shown any interest in what happens to Atlantis prior to this.

Mera wouldn't want her death to stop Aquaman from trying to save her?

Wonder Woman arrives on the scene to find Aquaman pouting about his new lot in life. I think he'd be happy! Now Mera is merely in life-threatening danger as opposed to hating his guts and trying to kill him. That sounds like things are moving in a positive direction. Plus, Mera can take care of herself! At least before Aquaman received every new power in the superhero handbook, she was way more powerful and capable than he was. I think she'll be okay if he just keeps doing what he's been doing! As for why Wonder Woman is here? Oh, I don't know. I guess so Cullen Bunn could use the title "Amazon in the Amazon"? See how clever that is?

Wonder Woman also appeared in Sinestro this month so I guess somebody just wrote a blank Wonder Woman check to Cullen Bunn to do with her as he pleased.

Uh-oh! From the beginning of Wonder Woman's speech to Aquaman, it sounds like she might be taking up the Sire-disguised-as-Mera role now. She didn't immediately choke the fuck out of him like some other hero might have done but she's certainly got quite the accusing tone to her speech. It seems she and the other Justice Leaguers know about Thule's attack on the world and how Aquaman has known about it for some time and hasn't gotten around to stopping it. I'm not quite sure yet if she's just come to him to help or to yell at him because I was distracted by this:

What the fuck, Guy Major?

Wonder Woman seems mostly upset that she had to speak with John Constantine while researching who was invading Earth. I think she just wants to help end what's happening but I'm not entirely sure because other things are distracting me far more than Guy's alternate Earth.

That costume is so fucking aggressive!

Aquaman asks Wonder Woman "What Would Batman Do?" which seems like a really irresponsible question. A lot of innocent people might die asking that question! Batman would obviously do the thing that would keep his hands clean of any blood no matter how many innocent people would die at the hands of monsters while he was making sure he didn't kill anybody at all. Also, Batman would never do whatever you'll wind up doing, Aquaman. Even if Batman might have done the thing you're going to do, as soon as you reveal that that's what you're going to do, Batman would be all "TT!" and then point out how stupid the thing you're going to do is.

Wonder Woman was followed by Aqualad's All-Stars so that Aquaman could stop gnawing at his problems and just begin punching stuff. My only problem with this twist is that it's not going to help end this story any quicker and get Cullen Bunn off of this book.

If King Shark has the upper hand here then I was a way better wrestler in Junior High than I realized!

The battle ends quickly because Wonder Woman. Now Aquaman just needs to figure out how to defeat Thule while saving the Atlanteans and Mera so that he can get back to his regular life of riding giant seahorses and forcing dolphins to fight his battles for him.

Etriax's followers all begin to panic in that way that crowds in Cullen Bunn books always panic. I guess it helps the reader to realize the situation is tense and scary? And then Thule attacks Amnesty Bay! I hope Aquadog can stop them!

Aquaman #46 Rating: No change. Aquaman looked terrible this issue. Even his raging costume cock didn't seem as full and in my face as I usually like it. He sort of looked like the type of guy a casting director would get to play the part of an action hero when they couldn't book Jean-Claude Van Damme or Dolph Lundgren. Or maybe the guy hired to play Van Damme's character in the porn version of Timecop which would probably be called Rimcop or Timejob or Time Travel Fuck Arrest. The story was more of the same of the bullshit pulp fiction adventure that Aquaman has found himself stuck in. I guess if you like Pulp Fiction adventures, you might like this comic book. But you probably wouldn't have thought, "You know what? Let me pick up Aquaman to fulfill my desire to read new Pulp Fiction adventures!" Most people also probably don't think, "I really like Aquaman and the way he talks to fish and punches things while being surly! Let me pick up some old copies of Conan or John Carter adventures!" Why did Cullen Bunn allow himself to be strong-armed into writing Aquaman when he didn't really want to?! Has he no convictions?! Now he's just wasting my fucking time!

Batman Loves Superman #26

Vandal Savage is a pimp.

Superman, Batgirl, Dick Grayson, and Jason Todd have traveled to Siberia to rescue some meaningless villages from Vandal Savage's clutches. These villagers are being forced to extract uranium from old Russian missiles that were lying around unused. If the villagers don't comply with this dangerous task, Vandal Savage will murder them and their families. The men of the village don't want their families put in unnecessary danger so they're doing whatever Vandal tells them.

Also they're bringing their families to the dig site where, at any moment, one of these missiles can be mishandled and explode! But I think that's necessary danger!

The little boy is probably on location to teach the adults that they shouldn't fear Superman! Because children understand things better than adults! They say wise things and never lie and aren't afraid of strange people giving out free candy. If you don't follow the lead of the children, you're an old fuddy-duddy without any sense of wonder! Although you'll probably have a better grip on reality and survive longer if you just tell the children around you to shut the fuck up already.

The man sees four shapes coming out of the snow and assume it's Vandal Savage coming back to murder everybody. Sure, he said they had a week to get the uranium but you never know when an immortal psychopath is going to change his mind. Although why would Vandal kill them before they've finished the work? It's not like Vandal is going to want to do it himself.

Startled by the figures, the men of the village pull pistols out of their parkas and begin shooting. It's at this point that I don't care if these villagers manage to survive. What if the figures coming out of the snow were pizza delivery guys? It seems kind of stupid to shoot at anybody who approaches you. Even if it had been Vandal Savage, why the fuck would they now decide to rebel against him? They fear for their families' lives enough to work as slaves for Vandal but not really, I guess?

I guess the comic book begins this way to seem exciting but it just loses me instantly and reminds me that I hate Greg Pak's work on this comic book.

Superman introduces himself and his Bat-friends to the villagers (speaking English, I guess? Bah! It's comic books! It's easier to simply pretend everybody speaks Interlac) and they respond in the appropriate manner. The little kid loves Superman because he's only there to teach the grown-ups to not be assholes (and to probably die from cancer in ten years due to the high levels of radiation leaking from the discarded missiles). And the grown-ups react like assholes.

And yet when you thought these guys were Savage, you believed shooting him in the face was going to fill him with figurative hugs and kisses?

Hey! Remember how Superman cracked two molars in his battle with Vandal last issue? Has he been to the dentist yet? Doesn't his stupid mouth hurt? Or when Batgirl bandaged him later that issue, did she also fix his teeth?

The aggressive man needs to have his life saved by Superman before he'll believe Superman can actually help because that's how you write comic books by the tropes. So the missile the men were trying to move snaps its support cables and begins falling to the ground. The man tackles his wife and son and yells, "Why did I bring you out here?! Why was I so stupid to endanger your lives so recklessly?! I'm as bad as Vandal Savage!" But Superman catches the bomb so the man can live with his shame.

While holding the bomb, Superman complains about how heavy it is. Because he's lost most of his strength, remember?! But he still has enough to hold up a two ton missile! It's just that he has to explicitly point out how heavy it is now. That's the new version of Superman! He can still manage to do everything he used to do (except fly!) but while he's doing it, he always reminds the readers how difficult it is now. Plus he has a stupid fucking haircut that looks stupid. Who's idea was it to lose the spit curl?! At this point, why not just make Superman an extremely strong monkey? He'd be just as recognizable.

With the help of everybody, the missile is stood upright because I guess that's the most efficient position to remove the uranium from it? I would think leaving it lying down would be easier since isn't the bomb in the cone? Isn't the whole rest of the missile just fuel? I'm not a rocket scientist but I know how to have thoughts and then believe those thoughts so I think I'm probably right.

Compared to everybody else in this room, Babs? You're a fucking genius. Don't downplay your strengths to Bozo Superman! You're ten times better than he is! If not more, depending on whether or not I put the decimal in the right place during my calculations.

Superman introduces Dick as the guy who makes fake ideas and Red Hood as the "mean Robin." What the fuck, Superman?! I thought you were supposed to be the guy who lifts up everybody's spirits and makes them want to be better people. But no. You're just the guy who points out that Jason Todd had some issues and was a big fucking jerk who probably deserved exactly what he got! Asshole.

Although, seriously, Jason Todd totally deserved what he got.

Do Siberians know what "light spring rain" is?

While Batgirl tries to figure out how Vandal's teleportation pad works and Dick is creating fake IDs and Red Hood teaches the men how to shoot to kill (or to just hit kneecaps, just in case Batman is currently giving you a sour look), the little kid is stabbing Clark with a fork. And it draws blood because this is one of those moments where Clark is just vulnerable enough to prove that he's not invulnerable. But don't worry! Vandal Savage apparently punches softer than a ten year old kid can stab with an eating utensil, so Clark should be okay.

Red Hood tries to get Superman alone so he can get him excited about the prospect of murdering Vandal Savage. But Dick and Babs overhear and they're all, "No way! We don't kill even if it means saving the lives of probably hundreds of billions of people across Vandal Savage's future!" Plus Batgirl is all, "I was his teammate and he's actually not that bad when he's forced to do what you want him to do. Maybe we can get Stargirl to trick him into being nice again?"

Some of the Shadow Monsters from the Truth story show up because there's been way too much talking. Plus everybody is allowed to get out their aggression and kill these things because they're not sentient (which matters for some reason). During the battle, Commissioner Batman shows up because his name is on the cover. That's the only reason I can think of why he'd leave Gotham where he works as a police officer keeping peace in Gotham to come to Siberia where he isn't authorized to act as a peace keeper of any kind. But I guess Superman asked him to come by, probably to take the villagers back to Gotham even though none of them have passports or visas. At least not legal ones that weren't printed up by Dick Grayson.

So Superman tells Batman to shove it last issue and then he sends him all of the data Batgirl came up with about this place because why? Oh yeah! Because his name is on the cover! Also, I still don't have any clue as to how Batgirl discovered this site.

Apparently the Nazi War Wheel is buried under the ice and the missiles were meant to power it. But then the Dawn Command were able to steal Waynetech's miniature sun and that became the primary power source for the Nazi War Wheel (which isn't actually the War Wheel but I'm going to insist that it is because that would have been so much better). I guess digging uranium out of the missiles was just to fuck with the nearby villagers. An immortal has to get his kicks somehow.

Batman Loves Superman #26 Rating: -1 Ranking. If you love comic books with great characterization of even the most ancillary characters, superb plots that rise out of the motivations of the villains and heroes, and engaging themes that really make you think about tough ethical dilemmas, this is totally not the comic book for you. But it has Batman in it! Do you like Batman? Then maybe this is the book for you! No, no! Wait! I just remembered. It doesn't even have Batman in it anymore. It's just Commissioner Gordon in a suit that locks up every few pages. I'm not even going to pretend that Superman is in it because I haven't seen Superman in a DC Comic book for years.

The Flash #45

Is Zoom supposed to be giant on this cover or is this just Brett Booth's inability to draw perspective correctly?

Last issue ended with Professor Zoom's underlings setting up a shield around the Central City Police Station. When The Flash tried to vibrate through it at superspeed, he set off a bomb that is threatening to kill lots and lots of people. Obviously that means that stupid people will claim that The Flash is responsible for any deaths caused as opposed to the jerks who created the bomb.

Captain Frye with an appropriate response.

How did Captain Frye's arm come out of his trench coat's sleeve? Did he draw his gun that fast? I don't think that makes any sense either. Anyway, it's obvious that The Flash is to blame and should be shot.

So this is Professor Zoom's plot to make everybody hate The Flash? Set up a bomb which only blows up if The Flash uses his super powers? I know the DC Youniverse is filled with idiots and xenophobes but even they can't actually turn on The Flash because of this nonsense, right?! Although I suppose once Iris West publishes her anti-Flash spin on the situation, The Flash's reputation will be ruined forever.

"Just let me pull these manacles out of my rib cage!"

Wally West approaches Captain Frye and tells him he has an idea to get them outside the frozen oxygen super dome. But Captain Frye is all, "You're just a boy! There's no possible way you know something the rest of the adults don't know! What do you think this is, a comic book?!" Captain Frye shoos Wally West inside and Wally stops trying to get his point across because it's only three pages into the comic book which is too soon to solve the problem.

Outside of the dome, Iris's photographer is getting great pictures of The Flash shooting lightning out of his body. It'll go perfectly with Iris's article about how The Flash almost got her nephew killed and how he's a hazard to Central City! Ha ha ha ha! Professor Zoom's plan is really coming together nicely!

Wally talks to the mechanic Tim who taught him all about those engines that burn super hot last issue. And then the mechanic dies. I think. He might also have just orgasmed and fallen asleep. Whatever happened, Wally didn't witness it because he ran off to save the day by himself because nobody will listen to him.

Wally ties the magnesium engine to the front of a riot van, sets it on fire, and drives straight toward the oxygen wall! Oh noes! It's going to cause a massive explosion!

Whut? Why? When?

Luckily The Flash removes Wally from the van before the entire dome explodes all over his stupid face. Wally has bricks tied to both feet because he's an idiot. If the brick was there to make him taller so he can reach the pedals or if it was there to allow him to press the gas harder, he still only needed to tie one to his right foot. Although since he only needed to drive forward about thirty feet, he could have just not taken the time to tie bricks to his feet and just slid down the seat some? Maybe the bricks will be important later when he realizes he has super speed and they...do something?

Anyway, Wally's trick works! A hole is burned into the shell and now everybody can escape and The Flash can remain a hero!

Stop saving everybody your way, Flash! Respect Captain Frye's authority!

The Flash saves everybody just before the bomb blows up and destroys the Central City Police Department. Then Hartley and Singh kiss. It's totally gross! A cop kissing an ex-super villain?! Pee-yuke!

Captain Frye decides that The Flash is a monster because he saved everybody's lives and was framed by a bunch of terrorists. It totally makes sense and doesn't seem stupidly contrived at all! I mean, what do I expect?! I knew what I was signing up for when I decided to read a comic book! Some characters are going to appear in the story simply to have an irrational hatred for the super heroes! It's a tradition as old as J. Jonah Jameson's hatred of Spider-man! Maybe even older!

Well if random, idiotic eye witnesses said it, it must be true! Journalism!

Professor Zoom has had Henry Allen create a glove that drains speed powers from other speedsters and transfers them to the wearer. But it's too bad he had to explain the whole thing out loud because Yu-Gi-Oh Magali, his henchman that can change the age of things, walks in and hears his plan! She already proved that she was doubting him earlier so now it seems she'll be switching sides! If she can get away, of course! It's not like she can run very fast.

She doesn't get away. Instead, Zoom just steals her powers! And then he declares he's going to steal all of the powers! And then he's going to become a god! And then he's going to...well, I don't know what his ultimate goal is. I guess just to be super powerful so he can prove to his dad that he isn't worthless.

The Flash #45 Rating: -2 Ranking. This comic book is really dumb and the art is terrible. It's possible that people that just like stupid comic books would like this comic book. I may have liked it one time when I was younger and it was an alternate timeline where I was a lot dumber. But that isn't the case here. Hopefully it will be better when Venditti and Jensen just knock it the fuck off with all the time travel shenanigans.

Aquaman #45

This is how responsible Aquaman is with his powers. He commands other forms of life to be furniture for him.

Cullen Bunn has really turned this character around! Aquaman now spends most of his time on land, he has a whole bunch of new magic powers, he's traveling in space, and he's been raped! I'm not sure if this is the Aquaman everybody has been clamoring for! Maybe Cullen Bunn misheard "Aquaman should ride giant seahorses!" as "Completely destroy the character and make the comic book extremely hard to care about."

So last issue after being raped by Mera's evil twin sister, Aquaman teleported to a strange planet. Maybe he's going to process the violence of what Siren did to him? I mean, it wasn't really that violent. Aquaman just thought he was being intimate with his one and only love but instead found out he was fucking somebody else. I mean, some guys might just think of that as "bonus sex." Especially since Mera can't get mad at Arthur because then she'd be blaming the victim! Although Aquaman probably shouldn't smirk and smile when he talks about it.

I'm pretty flippant about everything so it's kind of hard to really figure out where I stand on any issue but I will say this: I don't fucking care about this rape. It's no big deal. Arthur's a big boy and he can handle having had sex with somebody who turned out to be somebody else. I would say this is less traumatic than Patty being raped by Future Barry Allen who was technically the same person but pretending to be his younger self! That's some fucked up shit and I could totally understand why Patty had to break up with Barry after that even if it wasn't Barry's fault. I just hope Cullen Bunn isn't around long enough to have Mera get angry at Arthur for this encounter (which was rape).

The great thing is that nobody has to care about my opinion of how much I care!

Aquaman has been in a pulp comic for the last few months and he's just getting deeper into the pulpiness of it all. Now he's John Carter!

I was under the assumption that Aquaman was teleporting via Ya'wara's bauble but apparently it's just another magic power that was granted to him via Poseidon. Of course!

Aquaman winds up in a battle he's sure to lose against a pack of vicious predators. But a bigger creature screams and the predators run off because that's just what happens in a situation like this! When the hero can't save himself because he's terrible, he needs some kind of cliche intervention!

Aquaman, now safe, wanders off to discover that the world he's on shares a lot of similarities with Thule. Oh my gosh! Atlantis is an alien civilization! You don't get much more pulp than that!

Aquaman passes out from loss of blood from the wound Siren gave him. So he fails again and dies!

Stupid aliens. Can't they leave well enough alone?

Aquaman meets the queen of the aliens but she only speaks in garbled Old Portugese [sic]. That means that Arthur has to make a whole bunch of assumptions on why he sees architecture and creatures from Thule on this alien planet. He has no evidence for his assumptions; he has no proof for his guesses. But I'm sure he's figured it all out anyway because that just makes everything easier. He's pretty smart to figure out that Thule has been colonizing other planets. I was an idiot to think that maybe Atlantis came to Earth from this planet! That was such a stupid assumption without any evidence to back it up. Of course I was wrong!

Arthur figures out that the way to defeat the Thules is to surprise them! Wasn't that the first chapter in The Art of War? But he finds out that surprising them is going to be harder than it seems because the Thules know him! THEY FUCKING KNOW HIM!

But if that's Earth That Was, does that mean Arthur needs to travel through time as well?! And that they have a reason for hating him! Such pulpy sweet goodness!

I am actively trying to ignore the nonsense of the needing a bigger boat tag at the end.

Aquaman #45 Rating: No change. Cullen Bunn's run on Aquaman simply feels like a story he wanted to write or tell in a pulp fiction setting and he just crammed Arthur Curry into the lead role even though he doesn't belong there. Is it a good story? Who the fuck can tell because it doesn't work as an Aquaman story and Aquaman's name is on the fucking cover. I can understand how DC's editors would okay this story though because I think DC Comics really doesn't understand Aquaman. He's pretty simple at his core. He protects the sea, he's king of Atlantis, and he talks to fish. But DC is like a child who has been told over and over again that they're worthless. So they hear all the jokes about Aquaman and assume he needs to be tinkered with and changed. But he really doesn't. Just stick with his core shit no matter how silly it can be. In fact, embrace the fucking silly shit. Make him ride seahorses! Introduce a dolphin that has a huge crush on him and won't leave him alone. Give him a manatee sidekick. Do anything that involves the sea or sea animals and forget about all of this shit where he suddenly has more powers than Martian Manhunter. Come on, DC! A five year old can write a better Aquaman story!