Red Hood and the Outlaws #33

I wonder if Ed Benes has ever seen a woman with average sized breasts?

I'm currently reading Lolita because I have some huge gaps in my first-hand knowledge of some of the more popular books by successful novelists. I've seen some film version of Lolita that I can hardly remember and I know, from that, how creepy and icky the main character Humbert Humbert was. But I don't remember the film version playing him as quite the pedo he actually is in the book. It seemed to downplay that and focus solely on a middle aged man ruining his life by falling in love with a very young girl. And having sex with her! Don't forget the bit where he's constantly manipulating and fucking her! I mean, sure, that seems like the movie is saying, "Look! This guy is a pedo!" But it also seems like the movie is saying, "Look! This guy just made a little mistake that we all could easily make, given certain circumstances and various dark moods." Although I really don't remember the film, so I probably shouldn't be speaking on it without any clarity of how it really seemed to portray him.

Anyway, I'm only twenty-nine pages in and Nabokov makes sure the reader knows unequivocally, through Humbert Humbert's own words and actions, that he is absolutely a pedophile. Here's a short moment that really allows the reader to identify with Humbert Humbert:

I remember handling an automatic belonging to a fellow student, in the days (I have spoken of them, I think, but never mind) when I toyed with the idea of enjoying his little sister, a most diaphanous nymphet with a black hair bow, and then shooting myself.

See? If you aren't already on Humbert's side at this point, Nabokov continues with the thought that led him to this remembrance:

I now wondered if Valechka [Humbert's wife who just revealed she was in love with another man because Humbert Humbert certainly hasn't been showing any interest in her unless she completely shaved her body, strapped down her bosoms, and wore a young girl's nightshirt.] (as the colonel called her) was really worth shooting, or strangling, or drowning. She had very vulnerable legs, and I decided I would limit myself to hurting her very horribly as soon as we were alone.

At this point, the reader must be thinking, "What a man of conviction! A man with a take charge, can-do attitude! No wonder Lolita falls in love with him! He's such a strong, adult male role model, something like a caretaker that was missing from her childhood or something but which she really needed."

Of course nobody is thinking that nor, do I think, anybody picks up Lolita to be surprised that the main character, who manipulates and corrupts a young girl, is going to be a likable, heroic everyman. But I have to say that if the movie is how I remember it (and I don't know that it is!), it's doing a disservice to the book by not revealing Humbert Humbert for the predator he is, and has been, for his entire life leading up to meeting Lolita. It's also quite probable that I missed the entire first half of the movie where that shit was played up and explained! Like I said, I probably shouldn't be comparing one thing that I've barely even begun to read with another thing that I barely remember.

Bah, why not though, right? America!

One last note about Nabokov's writing before I discuss Scott Lobdell's writing which is the complete antithesis to Nabokov's. I don't really enjoy writing character driven fiction. I just don't have the patience to show a character's character through their actions. I just want to put a gigantic arrow over their head that says "ASSHOLE!" or "NOBLE" or "SHEEP-FUCKER!" But I do enjoy the act of writing critiques on pretty much anything and everything. Short stories are fine too although they tend to revolve around a central philosophical idea rather than being driven by the characters. Anyway, I said I wanted to say something about Nabokov's writing, didn't I? Let me start by saying something about H.P. Lovecraft's writing! When I read Lovecraft, he makes me want to write. I tend to begin writing projects in my head spurred on by Lovecraft's prose and then realize I've read a page or two of Lovecraft without any memory of what I'd read because I was lost in my own writing projects. But Nabokov's writing makes me want to destroy all the typewriters in the world and hang myself. He's just so fucking good at the words. He make me hate mine ability to put things. Bad Nabokov! BAD!

Maybe that's why aspiring writers need a genius like Scott Lobdell! He stands tall and shouts, "Look at my works, ye less than mighty, and hope!" And with that, let us see what horrible turns of phrase and poorly written characterizations Lobdell has for us this month!

I've only just read the title and I've already choked on my own bile and shit myself a little bit.

The issue begins with a look back at Starfire's past after she freed herself from whatever aliens had enslaved her. I think all of them. You know, Daemonites, Czarnians, Thanagarians, Citadelians, Otakus, The Penile-Headed People of Vega III, the Tamaraneans, and probably all the others I can't remember at the moment. She's on a "goodwill" tour (hence the stupid name of the issue!) through the "Peace Corridor." I suppose the "Peace Corridor" is so named because it's not really peaceful at all. It's probably only peaceful because all the aliens which live within it are oppressed and forced to smile or else they're taken out back to an asteroid to be shot.

As we soon find out, even stupid faced cat guards that normally don't think about anything but guarding stuff know something isn't quite as it seems with Starfire's "Good Will Hurting" tour.

I didn't realize the cat people of Eseru Prime had opium and Groucho Marx.

The real opiate of the masses is free speech. As long as people feel like they have a voice and can post misogynist comments on YouTube videos, they feel free and in control! And as such, there is no need for rebellion or a desire to change the system. The most dangerous thing a society can do is tell people that they can't say certain things or use specific words in a game of Scrabble. That's when all hell breaks loose and the walls come crumbling down! A nice side effect of free speech being the opiate of the masses is all the infighting that occurs with the citizens of a country as they argue about which words are appropriate for general usage and which words shouldn't be said by anybody. While the populace bickers about trying to control an uncontrollable monster like language, the power hungry bastards trying to ru(i)n everything sit back and shove cigars up their asses! That's how the Reptilian Elite smoke cigars. It's a fact!

Look! An error in a Scott Lobdell comic book! *point emphatically*

Textual errors are the opiates of Scott Lobdell's writing. While everybody is distracted with the typos and homophone mistakes, nobody notices how awful everything else about Lobdell's script actually is.

Horrible feet are the opiates of Rob Liefeld's drawings. People complain so much about his inability to draw feet that they miss the bigger picture: he can't draw anything!

One thing Scott Lobdell has done this month that I approve of is his use of thought bubbles for Starfire's voice over Narration Boxes. That means her thoughts are in the moment instead of being spoken by some odd future version of her that already knows how this story ends. He has also chosen to go with the omniscient narrator for the voice in the Narration Boxes. Lobdell is just making old school choices all over the place!

I do wish that he'd stop using "so-called" to describe nearly everything though.

Anyway, Starfire is investigating some strange goings onses in the Aforementioned Catacombs beneath the Royal Palace. That's a strange name for a series of catacombs but who am I to judge what an alien race of cat people call things? Although I would have expected something like Vile String Catacombs or Ephemeral Red Laser Bug Catacombs or Shiny Shiny Shiny What Was I Doing Catacombs or Pet My Tummy Now You're Going To Die Catacombs or This Food Sucks I'm Going To Eat My Litter Now Catacombs or In Then Out Then In Then Out Then In Then Out Catacombs. Oh, that reminds me of a poem I wrote a long time ago.

The Cat
By Grunion Guy

Eat. Sleep.
Sleep. Eat.
It's in my seat.

Within the Aforementioned Catacombs are dozens of slaves! Kori has come to free them which she does. She frees them. She frees them all! Helping her are the crew of the Starfire, Depalo the Dominator and Kitt'n the Sexually Lubricated. Sorry. That sounded disgusting. I apologize for typing it and then not deleting it and then uploading it to the internet and then slipping it into the text sideways so that it waylaid you and you had to read it. My bad.

Anyway, Kori traveled up and down the Peace Corridor for years rescuing slaves on each of her "Goodwill Hurting" Tour stops. I guess interstellar communication and good old detective work hadn't been invented yet in the Peace Corridors since, for years, nobody ever noticed the pattern. Princess Kori stops by to tell everybody everything will be okay and then, later that night, all the slaves escape. I think I might have noticed that pattern after about one year or so, depending on how many stops she made each month. But then I'm as good a detective as Batman and also an Earthling, so I'm obviously smarter than any aliens. It's the ability to feel emotion and the never give up attitude of Earthlings that make us special, you know! At least that's what popular science fiction has taught me.

S.H.A.D.E. stands for that? I could see A.G.O.G.S.M.A.M.T.H.O.M.A.M. standing for that. But not S.H.A.D.E.

Kori has exited for from the Ant Farm leaving Red Hood and Roy Harper to figure out why she freaked out. I bet it has something to do with her Goodwill Hurting Tour!

Red Hood has more than one six? Is he extra-dimensional?

Within the capsule that arrived at the Ant Farm with a hologram saying, "Save us Kori. You're our only hope," are a bunch of dead alien slaves. Roy Harper starts throwing punches because Langstrom says something that upsets him (reasonable!) which forces Dr. Langstrom to turn into Man-bat so the Outlaws will fall in line. Jason Todd is surprised by this revelation because he never did his Bat-Homework. Also because I guess in The New 52 timeline, Men-bat are more associated with the League of Assassins than Kirk Langstrom.

Meanwhile Starfire finds herself in Mos Eisley looking for some information. She's not very subtle about it because she learned about extracting information from Jason Todd and Roy Harper. So instead of learning anything, she just finds herself in the middle of a battle with a whole bunch of aliens. But that battle will take place next week, same Red Hood Time, same Red Hood channel!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #33 Rating: No change. Holy Vatican Shit Stains, Popeman! I actually didn't despise a comic book by Scott Lobdell! Sure, there were some amateurish mistakes and a heavy reliance on common tropes and character reactions but you have to look at the bigger picture. It's a story that makes sense and is driven by Starfire's history and experience. And I applaud Scott Lobdell for not making me suffer through page after page of Roy Harper Narration Boxes. I think he's beginning to take my advice by bringing back thought bubbles and omniscient narrators (within limits, of course! Nobody likes those old school Narration Boxes that just describe what you can already see happening in the panel). The only thing I really despised about this comic book was the cover. What the fuck was that? It's not alluring. It doesn't draw my attention. It has no personality. It's just the three main characters engaged in action packing! That's something people engage in, right? Boring!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #32

Is this the first comic book cover to show two male characters masturbating in public?

They're not literally masturbating although the douchebag fucktwats of the world would say, "Red Hood and Speedy are literally masturbating on the cover of Red Hood #32!" No, they're metaphorically masturbating as they cock their phallic symbols. But it's not a subtle metaphor: the positioning of the weapons, the way both characters are in mid-cock, the cheesecake Starfire ready to take them both on on the hood of the car. Maybe even "masturbating" is a conclusion too far away to jump to; maybe they're just pulling out their pieces for the imminent three-way. Whatever the fuck is going on on this cover, it serves its purpose by reminding me one thing: Scott Lobdell is back!

I realize I've been reading Scott Lobdell's comic books all wrong. I've been trying to think about them. I've been expecting them to be more than they truly are. Lobdell has always written to his idea of the twelve year old boy comic book fan. Although way back when I was twelve and way back when I was a boy, Elfquest was my favorite thing in the world. Even then, I don't imagine I would have liked Lobdell's writing. I've spoken with some people who think back and believe Lobdell did a good job on X-Men years ago. I think those people are just forgetting that they were nearly twenty years younger and probably liked some really shitty comic books simply because they featured lots of costumed characters fighting lots of other costumed characters. And while those fans have matured over time, Lobdell has not. He's still writing to the same audience he assumed was reading his stuff years ago. He's trying to keep the gateway open for the twelve year old boy fans that only want to see action and side-boob! So to make sure Scott Lobdell gets a fair shake in my reviews, I now turn this commentary over to the twelve year old boy inside of me.

That wasn't meant to sound as pervy as it did.

This issue begins with Jason Todd taking a controversial ideological stand!

Me too, Red Hood! Fuck those terrorists!

Terrorists should just take whatever America tells them they should take! If they don't like our foreign policies and imperialist attitudes, why don't they fucking go to Mars? No wait! America owns Mars, you fuckers! Maybe they should go live on Ceres! No wait! America probably wants that too because it might have valuable minerals on it! Maybe they should just kill themselves and go to Hell! No wait! America wants Hell too! We could totally exploit all of that free labor. And just think of the neverending reserve of energy from the eternally burning pits of fire? Maybe the terrorists should just calm down and accept our way of life! Fucking bullies! Goddamn cowards! I can't wait to see Red Hood shoot a bunch of them in the face!

I'm on page two and still no shot of Starfire's tits or ass. Darn it!

Oh man! I commented too early on Red Hood's terrific speech! He has even more smarter things to say after the terrorists are cowards speech!

This might be the best thought out logical conclusion I've ever read!

Fucking terrorists! I can't believe someone would read a bumper sticker and then decide to kill themselves in their war against people that don't believe in their bumper sticker! Although I'm not quite sure how terrorists aren't getting their hands dirty. Isn't killing yourself to kill a bunch of innocent people that have no real power behind the idiotic decisions made by our government "committing" or "getting their hands dirty"? And by Jason's logic, he wouldn't mind them so much if they dressed up in a garish costume before doing it? Also, isn't what The Joker and The Penguin and all the others do "terrorism"? Don't they rule Gotham by making other people afraid? Isn't that also what The Batman does?! Except his targets are more focused than other terrorists.

I don't know! What do I know? Red Hood knows what he's doing because he's a hero! I'm just a stupid idiot kid trying to read the most awesomest comic book in the world! I also tend to say things that a twelve year old boy might not actually say but staying in character is hard in the face of the shittiest writing in the world!

It also has the shittiest art team apparently since this is how Jason Todd begins his attack on the terrorist ship he's infiltrated.

Panel before title page.

Title page. I guess he was using some kind of camouflage tech developed by Speedy.

Anyway, I'm sure all the inconsistencies will be explained away later. I'm just hoping for a little Starfire side-boob soon! But I'll have to wait because first Speedy arrives on the front of the plane to murder the pilots! Way to go, Speedy! The only way to stay sober is to find something to occupy your time! Murder is so much better than heroin!

Now that's a great opening line! And well worth taking the time to say while hoping the pilots don't tilt the plane or something crazy.

Red Hood totally throws some guy out of a window and begins shooting other guys in their faces. It must be the best job in the world getting to kill people without feeling the guilt and remorse of killing people because you've turned them into this completely evil other who are only out to destroy and terrify! Fuck man! I can't wait to join the marines! Get my hands on some weapons and legally kill me some terrorists! Or any brown person in some other country far away that I can assume is a terrorist!

The hologram might be showing signs of nationalism but I don't think it's currently being racist.

Starfire finally appears on the eighth page although her boobs are drawn like male pecs so I'm not scanning that! Gross! Then she says "squee" in a totally retarded way and Speedy points out that the internet is dumb. That's probably because Speedy doesn't like to hear people criticize him when he's totally acting like a person that needs to be criticized. It's much easier going on believing you're an awesome archer that arches the shit out of everything his pencil touches rather than hear that you're actually not a very good archer at all and you should probably stop writing already and retire.

There is a better way to prove to the internet that it's not wrong about your abilities other than telling the internet that it's wrong in its conclusions! What is that better way? Do a better job!

This is Scott not doing a better job at all. Does he not own a dictionary? There are a number of them on the internet! Oh, but that doesn't mean they're right though.

And just because I'm, for some reason, in the mood to point out errors in Lobdell's writing, here's another one.

I actually don't care that much about typos and sentences that were obviously reworked and wound up retaining some of the old sentence so that it reads like the one in the panel above. Look, we all do it. If you edit or have decent editors, they're caught and fixed and no harm done. No big deal. I probably have a number of typos in this commentary alone which won't be fixed until I reread it next month. The real issue I have is that Lobdell's turns of phrase, his story elements, his plots, and his characterizations are all half-assed month after month. This is a guy that doesn't give a shit about the scripts he turns in. This is a man that has no respect for the characters and thus no respect for the fans of those characters. And I'm sure twelve year old boy me would have said the exact same thing. Although I did seem to read and enjoy a lot of Marv Wolfman when I was that age, so maybe I would have been a fan of Lobdell as well. But times change. I will no longer defend Wolfman's current material just because I liked it when I was younger and I think Lobdell deserves the same treatment from those who might have enjoyed his stuff when they were younger. Let's just be honest. Lobdell's writing is terrible. We, the internet, can all agree on that, right? And for once, the internet is spot on about something.

The next few pages are full of hero worship as Roy and Jason stare out the window of a crashing plane and watch Starfire dismantle a nuclear bomb. While they watch, a "slap" sound effect is added for some reason. I don't think I want to know the reason. What could possibly be sla...no! No! I don't need to know what's going on.

I think at this point I have to admit that I couldn't do the pretend thing where I was enjoying Lobdell's writing. So it's back to criticizing every single little miniscule tiny teeny thing he does!

Speaking of criticizing Lobdell, I began watching the first season of Young Justice recently. I forget the lines and moments that led me to this theory, but I felt very quickly that Scott Lobdell stole most of the what he was doing for The New 52 from watching Young Justice. I made that declaration somewhere (I have too many rants and raves to remember where) a few days ago. And then I just recently watched the episode where Superboy finds his older brother in Cadmus. You know? The one that burns the Superman logo onto his chest backwards while looking into a mirror? Kind of the way H'el did? Anyway, back to Red Hood!

After America is saved, some villain in a swamp tries to be threatening while being a bumbling moron. He never gives his name so forget about him. Hopefully he'll never show up again. Meanwhile, The Outlaws are ambushed by an encephalo-magnetic pulse. I hate those things! They're knocked out and taken prisoner guest. Too bad they weren't killed.

Why is Roy wearing Hammer Pants?

Well if Man-Bat has to be anywhere, I'm glad he's in Red Hood and the Outlaws. That gives me one more reason to hate it!

SHADE has picked up a space ship that was sending this message: "Princess Koriand'r of Tamaran. You are our final hope." So Starfire enters the ship and then flies screaming back out of it. Now all of the readers are on the edges of their seats wondering what Scott Lobdell decided must have been inside the ship during the time he had to write the next script.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #32 Rating: -2 Ranking. It's so nice to have Scott Lobdell back on this book. I don't mind if he ruins this one. But having him at the helm of Superman? That was simply blasphemy on DC's part. I would probably have more to say about it but my laptop's fan just conked out and now my laptop keeps trying to overheat. So I should probably deal with that before I completely crash my hard drive!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #31

Lobo's arm is three times thicker than Starfire's waist. And Red Hood's head is about to be flatter than her ass.

Last issue ended with the return of Lobo from the Magenta Timeline. He's recently purchased a gun that can tattoo planets and he has it in mind to tattoo the fuck out of the Earth. But first he might be forced to engage in a civil discourse with Twat Lobo about which one of them is the real Lobo. In comic books, "real" doesn't have any significance. But I assure you, this Lobo is the real Lobo! If you don't agree with me, you're wrong. It doesn't matter that you're wrong since this is a comic book and, as I just said, reality doesn't hold its form very well in the pages of comic books. But you can still be wrong in the manner of having no taste because you enjoy stupid Twat characters with poorly designed looks that say "sorry not sorry" all the time.

I think "stupid Twat characters with poorly designed looks that say 'sorry not sorry' all the time" describes three-fourths of the users on Twitter.

Why should he be scared? There's not white dwarf close enough to our solar system to fuck us if it were turned into a black hole. Perhaps he just meant the radiation from the explosion when he blows the star into fuck all. But then he really wouldn't have to mention the black hole! I don't think Lobo knows how to threaten people correctly.

This is Lobo acting cocky and telling Roy all of his plans because Lobo doesn't remember what his actual role is in comic books anymore: that of a punching bag. When a character comes along and turns out to be the biggest bad-ass in the universe, his only real career choice is to be used to prove how bad-ass the good guys are when they kick his ass. I have a feeling that's going to happen here in a few pages. Speedy is about to take down Lobo! Remember that thing I said earlier about "reality" having no place in comic books?

Speedy brings up the same point I brought up about the black hole being too far from Earth and Lobo says, "Let me finish." Fuck me! I don't want to think like Roy Harper! But then Lobo continues with his plan and it's practically the whole radiation from the explosion deal but more focused and directed through Lobo's own will. It sounds pretty fucking convoluted when he has a gun that will do the same thing to the Earth if he'd just point it at the Earth. Enough with your cosmic death ray trick shots, Lobo! This is why you get defeated! Keep it simple, bastich!

Starfire and Jason Todd arrive in time to save Roy Harper from dying immediately. But they're still going to have to save him from dying slowly since parking a space ship on Lobo isn't the end of the fight.

Why couldn't Lobo have done this to Roy?

I have a feeling a good portion of the rest of his comic book is going to be a big brawl. I'll be back to comment if it gets interesting for some reason. In the meantime, listen to some waiting room music.

Um. You'll have to take care of the music part on your end. Sorry.

Okay I'm back! You should have sat around listening to music for about five minutes if you want to recreate the experience correctly. So the battle ends with Jason Todd and Kori defeated. The only person left to save the day is Speedy! Remember that thing I said earlier about Speedy taking down Lobo? That's probably happening soon, no matter how ludicrous it might seem. Anyway, how does he save everybody?

Nanotech is another word for magic.

Roy saves the day by using his brains to reprogram Lobo's weapons and turn the weapons around on Lobo. The how or why of it doesn't really matter since we all understand technobabble and Nanogods out of machines, right? The real point wasn't how Roy excitingly defeats Lobo (because it wasn't exciting at all). The real point was about that thing you might remember I said earlier. You know, about the punching bag?

Yes, Roy defeated Lobo. He's magnificent. Is there a word that sounds like "hooray" but actually means "yawn"? That's the word I want to use here.

Meanwhile, Lobo and his henchmen were teleported somewhere across the galaxy. Lobo checks out Roy's Roybot and discovers how he pulled off his little trick by doing the same thing to his coworkers. And just like that, Lobo has a weapon to sell thanks to Speedy! That's theft of intellectual property, you jerk!

Which is basically what Twat Lobo says when he finally catches a sign of Lobo. Dammit! First I'm thinking like fucking Roy Harper, and now I'm thinking like that idiot Twat Lobo! I hate myself! Although the last page of the comic book does allow me to say this phrase one more time: remember that thing I said about Lobo and Twat Lobo engaging in civil discourse?

Sorry not sorry.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #31 Rating: No change. This was basically a typical Lobo appearance. The best part was how Lobo just kind of took it all in stride since he still wound up with a piece of technology that he could sell. The worst part was how Roy Harper survived an encounter with Lobo.

Worlds' Finest #23

I truly do not understand the fascination with finding a way home.

I suppose home, for me, was my grandparents' house. My mom raised me and my sister on her own and I spent a lot of time with my grandparents. They were my favorite people in the whole world. My grandfather died about ten years ago. He spent about a week in the hospital before he died, so I was able to fly down and be with him a few more times before he went. His most pressing concern was what the weather was like in Portland. I held his hand and told him everything he wanted to know. Later, after he was gone, my cousin and I sat up all night drinking some kind of alcohol we'd found stashed behind his desk that housed his Ham radio (XXXXX was his handle (I just looked it up online and found his name and address under it, so I censored myself. It seems his license expired in 2010 though)), playing cribbage, telling stories, and crying our asses off.

Speaking of his HAM Radio, my grandfather had an antenna tower in his backyard that must have been fifty feet high which he installed himself. When I was in high school, he purchased a Commodore 64 because one of his ham radio friends had homebrew cartridges that could be hooked up to a telegraph key so he could practice his Morse Code. I spent many days during high school sitting next to him as he talked on his Ham radio and I played computer role playing games on the Commodore 64. He was always very excited to make contact with people in new places or to occasionally catch messages from the space shuttle.

I only knew one person more kind and caring than my grandfather, and that was my grandmother. The last few times I spoke with her on the phone, she had to keep asking me who I was. But she also kept assuring me that she loved me, whoever the fuck I was. I shouldn't swear while saying that! I don't know if I ever heard her say a curse word. My grandfather would occasionally let one slip when frustrated with some machine or another and we'd embarrass the hell out of him by pointing it out. My grandmother was constantly curious about the world although she never made it very far in school before having to go to work in the orchards and the canneries. Being first generation Spanish American, she was brought up Catholic but I don't think she believed much of anything that had to do with the religion and the church in her later years. She wasn't the type to apologize and make excuses simply because she had been raised a certain way. I remember her telling me once how she couldn't understand why the Catholics were always speaking so poorly of the Jews and that it really made her question the values of the church and its members. Her wedding photo with my grandfather was in formal wear because they were married in the courthouse. Eventually they got married in a church due to the pressures of the church and the times about having children that would be perceived, by some, out of wedlock since they hadn't had a church wedding. She had two children six years apart in a time when Spanish and Catholic families generally had large families. I never asked her but I have a feeling there were some non-church approved methods of family planning going on.

My grandmother tried to instill discipline in her grandchildren by threatening us with the big wooden decorative spoon that hung on the wall. Mostly she just hissed "mal niño" or "mal niña" at us. But she was too nice and couldn't stand to see her grandchildren unhappy or upset. Until the day she died, I could always make her feel bad by reminding her how she made me get up and walk to the back of the house to brush my teeth when I had shingles in second grade. I'm sure she thought I was being overly dramatic about how much it hurt but I assured her the pain was excruciating. And I assured her a lot through the years! I may have just liked teasing her but I think I also loved seeing how much she cared about me by how much that memory hurt her. Not that she'd weep over it when I mentioned it! She always laughed and got a kick out of it but you could hear in her voice how sorry she was that she had any part in causing me any kind of pain.

Anyway, they're all dead and stuff now, so let's talk about something that matters! Like Power Girl's outfit!

So cute! Although I don't know why Power Girl's outfit has made me tear up so much! So weird!

Karen Starr has decided that she doesn't have time for secret identities anymore! She has to find a way home even if it brings TMZ rushing to her lab's doorsteps. Starr Industries has one lab left because all of Power Girl's resources are now being directed at opening a portal home. She saw it done by Kaizen Gammora Jr, so she knows she can eventually do it as well. Especially if The Huntress finds a way to steal all of Kaizen Gammora Jr's files about Project I'd Better Do As Flip The Fuck Out Superman Commands.

Dude, when's the last time you saw a woman with eyes where her vagina should be? Eyes up top, perv!

Karen and her German boytoy test out the equipment and, coincidentally, Boston has a huge blackout. And to make matters worse, Darkseid's boytoy, Desaad, has decided he'd like to prank Boston while their power is out. What a huge joker! Also a massive dick sucker. He just loves massive dicks! Like Darkseid's!

That last paragraph may have seemed like I was immaturely using homosexuality as a way of belittling Desaad but I assure you it was not. It was just facts! Desaad is totally Darkseid's lifemate! Not in the way two loving people become a couple and live the rest of their lives together. But in the kind of way where Peppermint Patty is so charismatic and powerful that Marcy decides to give up everything in her life to wait hand and foot on Peppermint Patty and to, you know, give her adult pleasure when she's feeling tense. Or horny. Or hungry. Or world dominate-y. You know. Whatever. Mr. Burns and Smithers have that kind of relationship too! As did Dick Cheney and George W. Bush! Whoops! That time I was using homosexuality as an immature way to belittle someone. I sometimes find it's worth throwing my ethical values out the window just to see the look on some total asshole's face when I call them gay. Sorry! I'll try to work on that. Unless money is involved. Then fuck my ethics because I'm getting paid!

Meanwhile, The Huntress is breaking in to MIT to steal their Telnet server so she can log in to TinyEARTH2. During the blackout, she runs into three other people breaking into the university to steal their supply of radioactive material. So now she has to deal with that.

This is a thing that is happening as well. Karen's assistant Tanya gets possessed by Desaad. Make your own joke for that. I didn't even want to mention it but thought it might be important later.

As you can see in the panel above, The Huntress's pursuit of the bad guy with the radioactive lunch box brings her into Tanya's story. Even though she's the daughter of Catwoman and Batman, the Huntress winds up caught off guard when the car crashes. At least she lands on her feet thanks to her mom's cat skills which she has for some reason. I think it's because her face was once licked by a radioactive cat. That gave her cancer and she died but the lick also gave her new cat powers which enabled her to live again eight more times! Another one of her cat powers was to have a litter with kittens from different fathers. So The Huntress probably has a half-brother out there whose dad is Superman. Anyway, the evil doer takes Tanya hostage and tells The Huntress to jump off the bridge or Desaad gets it.

Worlds' Finest #23 Rating: No change. My favorite part of this comic book series is the interaction between best friends Power Girl and The Huntress. And that didn't happen this issue, so I can't like it as much as I usually like it. But I did like it because it was a good story decently told. Although Desaad could have been a little creepier. And Power Girl could have had sex with somebody for three or four pages. Very slowly. And then hard! And fast! And then slow again! So slow! And then quicker! Quicker! Quick...hmm, I've lost interest now for some reason.

Teen Titans Annual #3

Doing a commentary on this Annual now that the Teen Titans featuring Scott Lobdell has been cancelled reminds me of one of my favorite lines by Norm McDonald: "What's the point of beating a dead horse aside from the pure pleasure of it?"

That quote may not be exact because I am one of those people that remembers the gist of shit (not jism of shit) rather than forcing myself to remember every line in excruciating detail so I can impress my asshole friends. Here's another one of Norm's lines that I love that I'm probably paraphrasing: "Kenny G has a new Christmas album out this year. Happy Birthday, Baby Jesus. I hope you like crap!"

And speaking of crap, let's read the Teen Titans!

The issue begins promisingly enough!

The only problem with this opening panel is that it occurs eight hours into the future. And we all know how much Scott Lobdell loves time travel comic books because motive derives from seeing the future. So while the Teen Titans would normally have to act according to their dreams, needs, or desires, in a story where we see the future (i.e. the death of the Titans), the Titans can act on that fact alone. So now they're driven to keep themselves from being killed in eight hours. Which they'll probably accomplish because this book is continued in Reboot Version Two in a few months.

Red Robin is then approached by a shadowy stranger that says, "This was all planned, so buck up, buttercup!" That must mean that the shadowy figure is Harvest! And Harvest is here to give Tim Drake the Eternal Kiss! That way, as a vampire, he can grow up to become Harvest so that he can go back in time to make sure that he bites Time Drake to make sure that Harvest can go back in time to bite Tim Drake!

Of course the reader doesn't get to see the face of the person Red Robin is ready to beat the shit out of. Because that's how comic books work, especially when you're too lazy to write your own stories. You just take the usual tropes, write some generic teen angst dialogue, and then run off to fuck a stray dog in the face.

Sometimes I worry that I might cross a line in the activities I imply Lobdell partakes. But then I realize all that I've ever really said, in many various and imaginative ways, is that Scott Lobdell sucks at writing. And the only way he can prove I'm lying is to write something decent. Which he can't do. So I'm lawsuit proof!

Teen Titans #30 ended with the Next Blurb asking readers to pick up the Annual to see who survived the yacht blowing up. As if that was going to be a major part of this annual. But long time readers of Lobdell knew that he'd never continue the story from there nor would he ever tell any more of that part of the tale! He never remembers anything he writes. So he just has Tim Drake watching the yacht sink the next day and thinking, "I'm just glad no one died in the explosion." Don't worry, Timmy. Nobody was fucking worried for one second. Guess what nobody is worried about now?! Nobody is worried that the team is going to die in eight hours.

When you use the same trick over and over, it stops losing its power. Every Lobdell story either involves a threat to the Omniverse which is always overcome, or it involves the future deaths of heroes (or the Omniverse!) which the heroes learn about somehow, so they must avert the future disaster. I'm fairly certain those are his only two stories. He may have others but they probably sucked so badly that I forgot all about them.

"Glue! I need glue!"

Two panels previous to this, Cassie says they have nothing to apologize for. I guess stealing shit doesn't count. Fuck you, Wonder Girl. You're the worst. Right after every other person on this team. And Superman, currently. And soon to be Jason Todd and Roy Harper (again!). Fuck, Lobdell. Why did you blow all of your X-Men money? Shouldn't you have purchased an island and gone off into retirement, never to be heard from or seen again?

This is Raven totally making sense. I want to kill them all as well. Although I actually have motivation for my feelings. "Habbits." Ha ha. Wait. Was that a joke or a typo? So hard to tell when Lobdell often has characters say things that only make sense if somebody were reading their dialogue and the dialogue's punctuation!

Bunker comes along and says, "Oh, hey there, Little Miz Betrayal." And Raven is all, "How'd you know?!" And Bunker is all, "Duh! Scott Lobdell!" And Raven is all, "Oh yeah! Totes duhs!" And Bunker is all, "Jesus loves you and shit even though you suck!" And Raven is all, "That's so cool!" And Bunker is all, "Score! One more in my account, God!" And God is all, "You're going to Hell, you gay." And Satan is all, "Man, that Guy is a prick. Don't worry, Bunker! It's cool down here! The only reason Jesus tells his Followers that Hell is the worst place ever is because I allow gays and Jews down here. We're just kicking it and shit. Just stay away from Trigon; he's a little rapey."

Red Robin has called an emergency meeting at a really stark and plain restaurant because Harvest is back and he's started another colony in Africa! Being that this is a Scott Lobdell story and he has a history of not knowing what the fuck he's doing, I'm not even going to try to figure out how this plan ties in with Harvest's plans in Superboy. I just don't have the patience to spend much brain power on this comic book.

Remember last issue when Skitters mentioned she was stuck in Skitters form? Yeah, the artists don't either.

The restaurant butts up against Danny the Street because Lobdell hasn't spent enough time soiling one of the greatest members of Doom Patrol in the history of members and patrols and doom. Thankfully Danny just transports the team to Africa as quickly as possible and then gets the fuck right out of this comic book. The Teen Titans arrive at the Colony in Africa to find it a little bit different than they remember it.

It's now Professor Harvest's School for Gifted Youngsters.

Seriously though. How many times am I going to be forced to say this: Scott Lobdell never stopped writing the X-Men.

The Titans discover that nobody was permanently killed in the Culling. They were all resurrected and enrolled in Colony College. And none of them were bitter or wanted their freedom or were pissed at how they were manipulated and tortured and killed! Because, fuck it, they're getting a free education now!

Things continue to get more and more familiar and DC's lawyers continue to get more and more nervous.

Cyclops?

Professor...Harvest?!

I'm sure that Lobdell thinks he's being cutesy doing this whole X-men parody thing. But to pull off good parody, you have to have already proven that you can write well (or at least done enough hilarious parody to show that you're good enough to run a site like Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea) and that you have ideas of your own. But since Lobdell's last Annual was also a parody of the X-men, Lobdell is simply proving that he has no other ideas. There's still a lot of comic book left, so this whole thing could be an illusion to draw in the Titans and kill them but I have a feeling Harvest might actually be this sick, old vampire version of Tim Drake and he really does want to begin again! Except we saw that beginning sequence so we already know Harvest is a big poopy pantsed liar!

Harvest tells Red Robin that his ultimate goal was to help and maybe he went about it a little wrongheaded that first time. But since he's brought everybody back to life and taken away their powers, no harm, right? Time to party and learn Latin, dudes! Now it's an intellectual Culling! Beast Boy is lucky he's missing out on this one! Total washout, that one.

But then Red Robin and the team explore a bit and then a few pairs of giant green hands grab them all and then Red Robin gives everybody up for dead and is ready to record a message to warn the rest of the world that Professor Harvest's School for Gifted Youngsters is a bullshit front for bullshit and other shit.

That's when Harvest enters the room so that he can have a hearty philosophical brawl with Red Robin.

I suppose Harvest planned every word!

After two and a half years of being the most powerful, well-planned villain in the history of the DC Universe, Harvest goes down like a chump. Raven destroys his Meta-DNA supply so that he can't use it to become a super duper villain (although the college hasn't exploded with him in it yet, so there's always hope of a hand shooting up out of the rubble and a "The End?" popping up under it).

But wait! Scott Lobdell isn't yet done jerking off all over Marvel's trademarks! After the Teen Titans pat themselves on the back for defeating Harvest by leaving him in that explosion (seriously. He was right there. One of them could have helped him out as they fled), Superboy takes over the narration of the comic book! But he's no longer Superboy since he died back in that stupid Back to Krypton story arc. Now, he's a herald of OmniGalactusWatcher!

Or whatever the fuck this stupid piece of shit character is. Oracle!

Please make it stop! But it doesn't stop! It never seems to stop! Lobdell still has a few more pages!

Apparently Wonder Girl went back to being a thief because she's a fucking asshole. And Raven became her roommate because she's pure evil. Bunker and Beast Boy joined with the Green Team to create a new super hero group called International Douchebags. Kid Flash and Solstice are still fucked on future Earth a full millennium century in the future! Skitters got work at STAR Labs where the artists still weren't remembering how she wasn't supposed to be able to control her form. Red Robin hangs out with Batman patrolling Gotham and using their real names which seems stupid but then I'm not Batman so what the fuck do I know? Except we all know that the team is really just going to forget about all of this bullshit and start over in a few months. Even Scott Lobdell knows his shit is going to be forgotten immediately.

Actually, it only matters what happens from here on out. What came before was complete and utter garbage.

Teen Titans Annual #3 Rating: You have to kind of admire how Scott Lobdell thinks that by tacking on these epilogues, he's somehow going to control the future path of these characters. If any of this shit is even mentioned in the new series, I'm betting it doesn't go past a few panels with an editor's note saying, "See Teen Titans Volume One! If you don't give a shit about wasting your time!"

Worlds' Finest #22

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that these two don't actually fight this issue. At most, they might have a minor squabble or inconsequential disagreement.

I was detailing my elementary school achievements during the First Contact storyline but since that only lasted four issues and I managed to stay in school for more than four years, I'll have to continue digging through my past during regularly scheduled episodes of Worlds' Finest. Next up: Third Grade!

My finest award in third grade is also the scariest.

I have no memory of participating in any carnival at all. I was probably forced to do it.

I also received two certificates that seem less like achievements and almost feel a bit insulting. They're fancy certificates for having achieved "basic competency" in math and reading.

Satanic Principal Passarello: "Has this child managed to struggle through our Master's Black Prayer?"
Satanic 3rd Grade Teacher Mrs. Black: "Yes, Dark Lord of Haman Elementary. Well enough, I suppose. He seemed to question the veracity of our Evil Master but he managed to recite the Dark Incantation promising his soul to He That Fulfills Our Desires."
Satanic Principal Passarello: "Good! Good! And has he shown a flair for calculating the proper mix of human blood with rabid dog feces for the Carnival's Punch?"
Satanic 3rd Grade Teacher Mrs. Black: "Enh. Competent, at best."
Satanic Principal Passarello: "Good enough! You may honor him with mediocre awards on shoddy paper stamped with the Unholy Seal of the Santa Clara Unified School District! Go Haman Eagles!"
Satanic 3rd Grade Teacher Mrs. Black: "Go Haman Eagles!"

I also received this outstanding achievement because my Satanic Elementary School was simply obsessed with hooters.

You can see in Woodsy's eyes that he's warning me to run! Run from this evil institution! As fast and as far as I can!

And finally, proof that I excelled in the Dark Arts.

If only I had the work of art here in Portland that was hung in the museum when I was eight. It was of a haunted house, further proof that Darkness and Evil were lauded and awarded at my Satanic Elementary School.

Of the things that could be officially awarded by the school district, those were the extents of my accomplishments in third grade. And what of the Unholy things that could not officially be recognized? Well, those would best go unnamed, wouldn't they?

Last issue of Worlds' Finest left Kara angry at Hel for closing the portal that led back home and, almost assuredly, to pain and torture and near immediate death.

I'm fairly certain that Power Girl lives in a van down by the river.

For this issue, Gamorra will be played by "Gammora." Now please respect our players with silence, turn off your cell phones, and stop tearing open candy bags during the performance.

Kara and Hel stop bickering about the dangers of a now non-existent portal when the last of the ARGUS agents burst into the room to claim all of Kaizen Gamorra Jr's busted up technology. Power Girl decides beating the agents senseless would be better than giving them the technology that she's been looking for for five years.

"Good question"? I guess she's also decided speaking nonsense gives her a tactical advantage.

The Worlds' Finest Girls spend the next few pages beating up ARGUS agents. Speaking of The Huntress as a "girl", she really cannot be seventeen like Batman thought she was a few issues ago (possibly in Batman Loves Superman). Because there is no way she came over to New Earth as a twelve year old. Maybe she was seventeen when she first came over. I'd buy that!

For some reason, The Huntress decides to have a flashback to nearly four years ago. I suppose she could be thirteen in this flashback since the sex slave hunters she's battling refer to her as a kid in a mask. But if she is suddenly that young, it's retroactive! I have a feeling if I reread the older issues of this comic book, I'd feel all oogy by the way they portray her when first coming to New Earth if I'm supposed to believe she was twelve.

However old she is, she defeats the sex slave hunter bad guys and the flashback ends. I don't know why it occurred when it did though! I guess the storyline on New Gamorra was over?

The Huntress heads home to research the technology she stole from Gamorra while Power Girl flies away to think about how hot the bad guy was. There's a lot of that going on in The New 52. Some guy tries to kill a woman. The woman hates him for it but can't stop mentioning how hot and sexy the guy is. Really? Does that really go through someone's mind when thinking about some asshole that just tried to kill you? "Man! If only he hadn't tried to stab me in the face, I'd fuck his brains out!"

While The Huntress discovers whatever I'll find out she discovers on the last page, Kara learns from her lawyers that Starr Industries has been returned to her. She immediately tells them to sell it all, leave her one lab, and get those fat stacks of cash into her bank account as fast as possible. She has a Dimension Tunneler to build!

Are two points of evidence really enough when you're dealing with alternate realities that might differ in only the slightest of ways?

Worlds' Finest #22 Rating: No change. I have only one idea for why that story was shoved in the middle of this comic book. I think some artists couldn't make their deadlines so they split the story into two separate bits and brought in some other artists to finish up the flashback. I don't think the flashback had anything to do with the main story. I suppose it could be setting up a confrontation with the sex traffickers in a future issue. Anyway, as I pointed out, there was no battle between the besties. They bickered a bit and that was it.

Worlds' Finest #21

At least this would solve Earth 2's problem.

While my first grade years were filled with doing nothing but winning one ribbon (a ribbon that summed up my life so far in just one word: WIN. Also, I think the ribbon was once again for picnicking), I really came into my own as a nature lover in second grade.

It's fitting that a raccoon was the mascot of the nature club I joined since, like raccoons, I spend most of my time in the city.

I wonder if this sticker will still stick to glass. It's one of those ancient things that you had to dip in water and apply to surfaces. Sticker technology bit ass when I was a youngster! My Ranger Rick sticker also came with a membership card with the pledge on the back!

I think I failed Ranger Rick in all aspects of his pledge.

I don't think I was very good at being a nature lover. I just wanted the magazine because it had games and pictures of cute animals. I was also quite busy earning my most important award in second grade.

This one didn't come with a pledge but I'm fairly certain I'm still excellent at it. I'm also proud to note I did two tours of Hooter Recognition duty.

Second grade was the only grade of school when I had a young female teacher. Even at the age of seven, I could see the cracks forming in her young, idealistic, optimistic belief that she was going to mold these young minds into respectable, curious, creative individuals. I'm not sure how long she lasted but the fact that one of her students was an arsonist that would often burn papers inside his desk during class might have freaked her out a bit. She might also have been disturbed by my penchant for pointing at her breasts. But hey! It was apparently my gold-star earning duty!

Anyway, let's get back to First Contact where Batman and Superman and Power Girl and The Huntress have just witnessed Kaizen Gamorra Jr open a portal to Earth 2. Power Girl must be pissed since she's been trying to do this for five years with little success! Oh, by the way, I recognize that Power Girl has some hooters. Don't be discouraged if you didn't recognize them. You didn't earn a gold star for it in second grade. I'm a hooter recognizing savant.

Gamorra. Gammora. Whatever. Why should I expect DC to get the name of this island right when they can't even tell the difference between The Arctic and Antarctica?

Power Girl really wants to go through the portal and return home, no matter how horrific the place currently looks. But nobody else wants her to enter it. Well, Kaizen Gamorra Jr wants her to enter it but I think that's just further reason that she shouldn't enter it!

The portal gives Kaizen Gamorra Jr some kind of amazing Omega Powers while R.B. Silva draws everyone with pouty, middle-aged facial features. I mean middle-aged faces that aren't quite as striking to gaze at as my middle-aged facial features. I look like I'm not older than forty two. Maybe because I am forty two. But my hooter recognizing abilities are still as sharp as when I was seven!

To test out the portal, Power Girl suplexes Kaizen Gamorra Jr through it.

If I'd taken high school wrestling, this would have been my signature move. But I'd have added tacos to it.

With the portal still raging dangerously open behind them, Superman and Batman decide they've won and are ready to find a sunset to walk into. But Power Girl still thinks they should enter the portal. The Huntress, showing how fucking smart she is, raises the same concerns that I did. How did Kaizen Gamorra Jr open a portal to Earth 2 when neither The Huntress nor Power Girl could? And they had access to the third smartest man on Earth's technology! And no way is Kaizen Gamorra Jr taking up the #1 or #2 smartest person on Earth. Those spots are probably taken by Lex Luthor and, even though I don't want to give her the spot because she was created by Lobdell (I think), "Doctor" Veritas the Omniologist. But there's no talking Power Girl out of it because she's super stubborn.

Those "strange organ structures" are called ovaries, Clark.

The Huntress decides she'll go with Power Girl instead of doing the smart thing and investigating a bit further. But before they can enter the portal, before Batman can tell them they're stupid doo-doo heads, before even Superman can fly around the Earth really fast and go back in time to stop the portal from opening, a gigantic version of Kaizen Gamorra Jr steps through the portal, followed by Power Girl's Flip the Fuck Out Cousin.

He doesn't love her! He just wants to turn her into Flip the Fuck Out Power Girl!

Parademons also fly through to battle Superman and Batman. Superman thinks about how he isn't at full strength with the nanites still in his system which makes no sense since the nanites made his power uncontrollable. But what do I care if something doesn't make sense? It's probably just my inability to understand it. Just like I thought Cliven Bundy's statements yesterday were racist. But then he provided some more racist statements to prove that he wasn't racist at all! Which made no sense to me but he assured me he wasn't racist, so there's probably something wrong with the way I hear and sort information.

Superman also mentions that the armor is cracking and breaking even though he earlier mentioned how it was nice to not have the armor anymore and that the nanites were nearly gone. I don't think Greg Pak and Paul Levitz should be allowed to write stories together anymore because they're not making any sense.

Anyway, the parademons are defeated whether or not Superman is wearing armor or is full of nanites or knows what ovaries are. And The Huntress destroys the portal after Kaizen Gamorra Jr steps through but before Power Girl can. Which doesn't sit well with Power Girl because somebody needs to talk some serious sense into her.

"Weird as it may have been"? That's your concern? That Earth 2 was "weird." How about that it was on fire and full of parademons and run by a fucked up version of Superman?! That seems more dangerous than weird!

Batman and Superman leave The Huntress and Power Girl to argue about losing their only chance to get home. Superman apparently still has Toymaker's armor on and he's still infected with nanites despite what was said previously in this issue and what happened in Batman Loves Superman #9. I don't care though. I've stopped caring about minor issues like this. How can I complain about a misstep in a story when Scott Lobdell and Ann Nocenti are still ruining monthly comic book series? I need to keep things in perspective and save my rage for more deserving targets.

Worlds' Finest #21 Rating: No change. At least this comic book was on time! I wonder how many readers simply decided to not pick up Batman Loves Superman #9 because they'd already read the conclusion of the story? I bet the number was pretty close to zero because I don't know too many comic book fans that can skip issues of a series they're collecting. I'm sure it bugs the hell out of people to flip through their back issue boxes and notice gaps in the numbering of the comics they've collected. It's bugging me just thinking about it!