Raven #3

Raven is taking Mimemistry.

High school would be so much better if they could pipe low levels of nitrous oxide into the classrooms. Also if they had capital punishment for bullies. And free candy.

Here's another improvement I just thought of: shifting classrooms by reputation! If you're kind to each other and engage in class, you get grouped with others like that, taught by the best teachers. If you're rude and mean and don't show any curiosity, you're tossed in a pit to die.

Currently in San Francisco, a huge white ball of light is engulfing the Embarcadero. It's the White Carnival but the reporters reporting on the scene don't know that. They don't know anything. One of them even says BART trains are being rerouted. Ha ha! What a stupid statement! As if they're probably even in service. Also how do you reroute a train?

I wonder what this guy was going to say before they took away his speech bubble?

The reporter with the BART information has more information that makes no sense. Like how this disaster just happened but the National Guard is on scene. As if...as if they already knew something like this was going to happen! The government is behind this!

This just in from 2017: Mary Tyler Moore just died. It's as if 2017 was all, "Hey, 2016? You thought you could make a statement? Well how about this metaphor!"

Raven is currently trying to save her friend Antt (remember! The spelling is super important!) from The White Carnival while hundreds of people gather around being a nuisance to emergency services. I think most of those people are reporters and their camerapeople.

Actually, he rapes them and then obliterates them.

While battling to save Antt, Raven winds up back in her room in her Aunt's house with no memory of the battle in the Embarcadero against the White Carnival. Mostly because The White Carnival wasn't ready to destroy her. Villains have a tendency to stick to really strict timetables. They should probably loosen up and learn to just kill the heroes when they have an opportunity.

It's really hard to concentrate on reading comic books when government officials are completely dismantling our country for the benefit of corporations and assholes. Maybe I should change the focus of this blog?

Over breakfast, Raven is reminded of the White Carnival by her Aunt's family. And she remembers it. So...um...what was the point of having her forget for about half a page?

The thing (you know, the White Carnival? Raven's Soulself? Cave Carson's impotence?) attacks Raven while she's in her room trying to remember. This causes her to remember and shout, "You tried to remove me as a threat by eliminating my memory of you. It worked...for a while." Yeah, for the while it avoided attacking her! So it's either stupid or Raven jumped to the wrong conclusion. There is a third option (and probably more but I don't have all day to think them up): Marv Wolfman doesn't fucking care about the story.

The Soulself wears Raven's terrible feather helmet so maybe this is Marv Wolfman stealing the whole Spider-man's black outfit is actually a Symbiote! Raven's terrible costume was the lost souls of Azarath corrupting and influencing her. Except she's still wearing it in this issue. I thought she had left it behind in The New 52!

Raven sees inside the White Carnival and realizes it's consuming people's souls. When it gets enough, it will destro her. Yeah, it's probably her costume. I mean her Soulself. Which hopefully has merged with her costume so it can be burned by the end of this series.

Also, just in case people reading this are thinking, "But where is Superman?!", a news report mentions that the Justice League is, once again, off-world. How come they're never off-world in their own comic book but they're always off-world in every other comic book? I think Cyborg just screens all the calls.

Meanwhile, some nobody super-villains decide to take credit for the White Carnival and ask for five billion dollars to make it stop. That's reasonable.

What Did I Learn?
This issue had nothing to do with high school so I don't think it's the most dangerous dimension at all.

The Ranking!
-1! I don't fucking know (or care) what is going on in this story.

Raven #2

If Marv Wolfman had any idea how to reach out to the next generation, he'd make Raven canonically asexual.

I have a theory as to why sexuality has become such a huge factor to the identity of young people. It's because they live in a world where white people are so obviously the baddies that nobody wants to be a white person. I mean, not exclusively a white person, anyway! If you're young and white, you need a way to identify as a minority and most people aren't buying that you're a werewolf. But guess what's easy to claim on the Internet? Any sexuality you want (heck, it's even easy to claim in real life!)! Even better, people have come to accept asexuality as part of that spectrum! Now you can be asexual and never have to deal with people coming on to you and bothering you or else they're gross and disgusting. I wish asexuality were common when I was in high school because then when I was getting a swirly and being called a virgin, I could have yelled back, "Blurble blurb blurb burblelurb!" That's "I'm a virgin by choice!" with toilet water in my mouth.

I know it's not cool to suggest that people aren't the things they say they are. But I'm just saying it in a general sense! I would never accuse anybody of being something other than what they claimed. I'll take it all at face value if we're interacting, especially if you're an adult and we're not on the Internet. But being that 95% of the Internet is made of lies, and knowing that an even greater percentage of teenagers lie about themselves to fit in with their peers, you can bet I'm skeptical about a lot of shit I read. Again, if you tell me you're a pansexual gray ace, I won't doubt you. But when I see so many people online claiming to be that, well, um, I mean, I'll believe them all. What the fuck do I care?! I've put things in my ass, who am I to judge?!

Remember that thing about 95% of the Internet being lies? You should probably think that part about my ass is part of that percentage.

Raven begins this issue by admitting that she and her soul self can divide into two separate beings. I say "admit" because I feel like that's something she's been hiding from everybody for quite some time now. Her admission also makes the Mystery of the White Carnival less of a mystery, right? Because it's obvious her soul self is off doing bad things when she passes out after masturbating to orgasm every night. And morning. And afternoon naps.

Raven claims that division only happens if she initiates it. Then she makes a Gremlins reference because Marv Wolfman is a seventy-year old man. Phoebe Cates was in Gremlins. Mmm. Oh, um, her reference was something about a warning that if she stays separated too long from her soul self, something will happen. Something bad. Probably something like the erection of a mysterious carnival painted white where lost children go to have their energy and youth sucked out of them.

I'm not applauding because I'm wondering where all of your momentum goes when you teleport while falling?

The next day at school, Raven reminds everybody of her new friends: Dude, Madison, and Archer. Joining the group is Antt with two T's (look, the spelling of her name is important for some reason! Why everybody thinks everybody else should be able to spell their name, I have no idea! Maybe if everybody would just stop trying to be the most individual individuals in Individual City, Starbucks wouldn't have so much trouble getting everybody's stupid fucking name right). Antt is really short and loves to talk about how short she is. I guess Raven didn't meet enough young people with terrible names last issue. Although she also meets Teri this issue and that name isn't too terrible.

Raven learns that Taylor went missing the previous night. Taylor is the one that had psychic powers, so Raven feels she should send her soul self to investigate. As if it doesn't already know what's going on, the rascal! And since it can't say, without incriminating itself, "Oh! Taylor is stuck on a ride at the White Carnival!", it just reports back to Raven that nothing is out of the ordinary. But then later that night, Archer goes missing too! He also winds up at the White Carnival!

I wonder if the White Carnival is a metaphor for something else? Drugs, maybe? Porn addiction? Role playing games?

Raven figures out the location of the White Carnival just seconds before everybody else in San Francisco figures it out too. Especially all of the teenagers! They're consumed with fiddling the White Carnival! Or snorting it. Or whatever!

The teenagers begin entering the White Carnival but Raven can't enter because some voice keeps telling her that she's still not ready. Unless the White Carnival isn't ready for Raven. Maybe it's a surprise party for her! Maybe her mother planned it! It's about time Raven's mom got in on the action. Everybody's had enough of Trigon.

I can't remember Raven's mother's name because I can never remember names. You should hear me trying to warn my teammates of danger in Overwatch! "Hanzo...I mean Tracer...No, Bastion! I just got Bastion! I mean Bastion just killed me! Dammit, why are we losing?!"

The White Carnival continues to grow and suck up teenagers while Raven can do nothing to stop it. In an apartment across the city, some super villains are all, "Should we put on our costumes now?" Then a purple and black costume is revealed but fuck if I recognize it. It just looks like a purple Blue Beetle outfit with a bowling bowl mask.

The Rankings!
1. The Sheriff of Babylon (1)
2. New Super-man (*)
3. Deathstork (*)
4. Cave Carson Has A Cybernetic Eye (*)
5. Suicide Squad (*)
6. Wonder Woman (*)
7. Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps (*)
8. Scooby Apocalypse (*)
9. DK III: The Master Race (*)
10. Raven (*)
11. The Flash (*)
12. Lumberjanes Love Gotham Academy (*)
13. Earth 2: Society (*)

This feels like one of the extra issues that DC has to throw in to make a perfectly reasonable 4 issue story into a 6 issue story. Not much happens and little is revealed. I think the only major plot point was that Antt is spelled with two T's.

Raven #1

This should be insightful! A seventy year old man writing the adventures of a teenage girl!

The Commentary!
I had to check with Lord Google to find out how old Marv Wolfman was and while doing so, I decided to drop by his IMDB page and see what he's been involved in on the writing side of television and movies. At first, I was flabbergasted! He had credits in so many things! Even video games! Had he written a bunch of video game plots?! Then I noticed most of them were saying "Uncredited". And that's when I realized the majority of the "Writer" credits Marv Wolfman had on the top half of his IMDB page were actually "Creator" credits. What the fuck, IMDB? Who the fuck does that help? Is IMDB run like Wikipedia now and there's some fangender fuming at the injustice heaped on writers and artists by mainstream comic book corporations who is going through and adding credits to every movie, television show, and video game in which one of the creator's characters appeared? It's fucking nutso whacko! And just so nobody thinks they're coming up with some hot take on the previous sentence, I did mean that in the full-on offensive to everybody with a mental illness way!

Hmm, maybe I shouldn't have written that! I bet the only people still interested in Raven are the ones who love to use their mental illnesses as invulnerable shields against any type of criticism. Well, I'm one of those people too! You can't criticize my ableist tendencies because my brain is just wired to be ableist and I can't do anything at all about it! And you're ableist if you insist that I can! Jerko!

Okay, now that we got all the sensitive twats out of here, I can be funny for the people who are hate-filled douchebags! Oh, my people! How I've missed you all!

No, but seriously. If you're a hate-filled douchebag, get the fuck out. I want a specific audience of people who are sensitive but also understand that there's a world where you can call your friend retarded and not be completely ostracized from society for it. Unless, you know, your friend is mentally disabled. Then, I mean, Dude? What the fuck? That's not cool.

Oh please tell me you came from Azarath and not San Francisco! Anywhere but San Francisco!

I actually love San Francisco. Or loved San Francisco. It sounds like the shittiest Mecca in the world now since the pilgrims flocking there are start-up assholes begging for an angel to crap in their bank account.

Raven's mother ran away from home because her parents believed in God. That doesn't seem at all like the first world problem of an entitled teenager. At best, her mother just left out all of the gory details like how her parents sexually abused her because God told them to, or how she was locked in her room every day so she wouldn't be tempted by the devil, or how she watched her younger brother get circumcised in front of a crowd of enthusiastic sadists she thought were family and friends. It's also possible she once heard her mother say "tranny" and realized she couldn't live with that kind of a monster anymore.

Luckily for Raven's mother, she found a better life being raped by a rapey demon named Trigon who, according to Marv Wolfman, loved to rape.

Do you see now why I had to scare away all of the overly sensitive readers?! I was doing them a favor! This is a Marv Wolfman comic book and even if it doesn't mention rape, the guy is rape-tainted! There's no way I can't point out how much he loves to write about rape!

Raven meets her aunt and her aunt's family. They're upbeat and jolly and wear bright clothing and aprons and Superman shirts. Her uncle wears a sweater over a collared shirt with khaki pants, so you know he's totally fucked up in some super secret way. They have a crucifix on the wall over a painting of the sermon on the mount and their bookshelf is full of Precious Moments figurines. Something truly horrible must be going on inside this house!

Raven begins her new life by going to high school the next day. I hope she doesn't get picked on for being weird! Does Marv Wolfman even know what high school is like now? I have a feeling Raven will have to take ROTC and stand up for the one black kid getting picked on by some white guys with buzz cuts.

The standard amount of people comment on her looks as if there wouldn't be dozens of other girls and guys who look just like her. One kid is all, "Really? Goth? So last millennium." That kid? Looks like Janis Ian. I don't think that look has ever been really popular. I mean, unless you could sing like Janis Ian. Then it was, um, tolerated? Anyway, she feels uncomfortable and out of place like nobody else ever felt in high school ever. Poor thing!

After her first class, Raven meets some kids who want to get to know her. Probably because she's cute and fashionable, no matter what any of the other sorry high school students say. I mean, if she were ugly and wearing corduroy pants three sizes too big (or small?) for her, who would speak to her?! And, of course, to get to know her, they ask all the pertinent questions!

Why the fuck are you asking about her father, Dude?! So fucking weird! Although, this is the DC Universe where everybody has Daddy Issues. Perhaps it's the main question everybody is always dying to ask everybody else. "How did your dad fuck up your life?" It's just Dude is too ignorant to know better than to get so personal so quickly.

Raven discovers that one kid at the school has psychic powers so that's probably going to be a problem. But she's making friends somehow, so I guess she'll be okay. I don't know how she's making friends because I don't know how to make friends. It would be nice if the comic book spelled it out a bit. The only way I knew how to make friends in elementary school was to just put myself in close proximity to the same people as often as I could until they simply assumed I was one of their friends. That worked in Junior High too! And then in High School, I just made friends with all of my cousin's friends. Those were the last friends I ever made because, for some lucky reason, they were all pretty good people. Don't tell Doom Bunny I said that. I suppose I've made a few friends of the Non-Certified Spouse's friends. They're almost all exclusively gay because I'm fairly certain the Non-Certified Spouse emits Gaydiation. For some reason, I'm the only male she knows impervious to it. I think. I mean, sometimes I dream about sucking off fifty guys in a row. But those are just dreams! Dreams are random and weird and I have no control over them! I mean, they're my daydreams, but that's practically the same thing, right?

There's also a girl in Raven's one class who looks like Raven and was happy to have another black clothes wearing Goth in the class. But Raven just kind of ignored her. What a jerk.

Anyway, later, one of Raven's new friend's friends gets lost in the White Carnival where some other students have also been trapped. And it might have something to do with her soul self gone rogue. Or it's her aunt's God being a total jackass. That's not a probability but it's a possibility, right? Plus the speculative sentence let me write that God was a jackass. That's fun!

The Ranking!
+1! It's not bad for a Marv Wolfman production! Does anybody remember those pictures in books that you couldn't see anything in but if you held up a red plastic filter, it would hide all of the red lines so that you could see the image beneath in blue? I bet if you had one of those lenses but instead of hiding all of the red lines, it hid all of the seventy-year old manness, this story would totally be just fine! As it is, it's kind of fun because it's written by a seventy-year old man. He named a character Dude! I would have named him WTF, personally.

Christ, I bet only seventy-year old men will remember those red lenses made of plastic and those old timey magic paintings!

Earth 2: Society #7

Where does your dick go when you fuck a Mother Box?

I know that's not a Motherbox! What kind of a sorry excuse for a comic book nerd do you take me for? Jimmy has obviously invented the Earth-Too Rubik's Cube.

Is this Wilson's final issue of Earth-2: Society? For his sake, he'd better hope so because I'm getting super pissed at having to read his boring fucking bullshit. I'm so angry that I have to read this! It doesn't help that I spent all day yesterday sick from either having ingested milk with my Superman cereal or allergic to something in the air or simply had a fucking migraine from getting very little sleep while stupid Tim and his stupid fucking assistant rebuilt the kitchen. Fucking noisy cocksuckers.

Every time I call somebody a cocksucker, I immediately think, "Why is that an insult?! People who suck cocks should be lauded and praised!" Even though it sounds so good being yelled at somebody (probably because of the double hard "K" sound (or is that what makes it funny?)), I should probably stop using it as an insult. I wonder if I've ever actually called somebody a cocksucker in anger in real life? I highly doubt it. I think the only thing I've ever called somebody in anger was motherfucker because the worst thing I can imagine putting them through is fucking my mother. But cocksucker? That's the kind of thing you call your friend when he shoots down all of your bombers in Axis and Allies.

Oh! Oh! Get how this issue opens! It's fucking Melville on toast!

Please fucking indulge them! For god's sake, be interesting!

Green Lantern continues his thought about how he's the heart of this new planet which screams out for protection. No it doesn't. Get your own dick out of your mouth and try thinking about the planet from its own point of view. Oh wait. It's a planet. It doesn't have one. It's just a hunk of rock which you transformed into a hunk of rock with green shit clinging to it. What does it really matter if Jimmy Olsen transforms the planet back into a replica of Earth-2? It harms nobody but your own ego, Green Lantern. It's as if somebody took a child's drawing and sprayed white out all over it so they could draw something more comprehensible upon it. Okay, so that sounds like a bit of a dick move but it doesn't matter in the long run and the kid probably won't remember especially after you soothe it with a bowl of ice cream and as much Sponge Bob as it can stand.

Well, at least he's being honest with himself. "The continents of my soul." Christ, Green Lantern, who do you think you are? The Walt Whitman of Earth-Too?

Huntress and Red Arrow are helping Jimmy Olsen transform the world back into home. For some reason, they believe they can trust him. But I have a feeling that putting his dick in Batdad's Earth-2 back-up cube will have repercussions of a disgusting nature.

The battle that was taking place in Erebus City wraps up because they're needed in New Gotham. Doctor Impossible's delaying tactic didn't get him as long a delay as he'd have liked but I guess that's what happens when your delay tactic is a guy on drugs, a girl who doesn't want to do the dishes, and a ugly emo guy. It seems Jimmy Olsen isn't as smart as he thinks he is pitting that group against The Flash and Superman. Also Batdick but, really, who cares about Batdick when you've got Flash and Superman? Aside from DC Comics' accountant.

Even though Superman keeps harping on about how they don't have time to battle Hourman, once they get to New Gotham to help, he decides to have that conversation with Kara he's been putting off for a year.

And, of course, she still believes the stupid bullshit she was told by horrible people. Although it's stuff which should make her feel sympathy for Val instead of anger but sympathy doesn't play well in comic books. Why can't sympathy cause more punching?

Red Tornado flies in to help because she's important to the story too for some reason. This must be the big finale since everybody is gathering together in New Gotham. Except for Hawkcop. Maybe she'll fly in at the end with the cavalry. Although that would mean this is only part one of a two part finale. So forget Hawkcop. I'm going to hope she's lost in the jungle still searching for the missing ship.

As the Genesis Machine begins to transform Earth-Too into, presumably, New New Genesis, The Huntress begins to realize something is wrong. She and Red Arrow instantly switch sides and ask that everybody forgive them for having horrifically bad judgment.

The battle could be over in just a few seconds if Power Girl and Superman would stop fighting. They must have been told to back off for a bit because the comic book needed to be twenty pages long.

Oh good. They worked out their problems while their friends were getting their asses handed to them. How nice.

The biggest problem with comic book tropes is how fans accept and embrace them. "Well, what do you expect? That's comic books!" As if the way a comic book story should be told was handed down by god on high and we just have to accept them. With all due respect to Stan Lee and Jack Kirby, they aren't gods. We, as humans, have the power to change how comic book stories are told! Heroes don't have to constantly fight other heroes! Or, if one of them in particular usually acts that way, maybe the others should shun that hero? Like how nobody ever liked having Guy Gardner on the team because he was a complete tool. Or maybe they should learn to hash out their problems in private instead of waiting until the world is in danger to work through their issues with each other?

Working together like a society who promotes justice, the heroes manage to destroy Batdad's Back-up Drive and imprison Newest God James Olsen in Green Lantern light. All of the normal people standing around watching instead of running for cover high five each other and point and ask for autographs.

So incarcerating a person forever by the heroes own whim is justice? Is there some kind of law against terraforming this world? If so, how come Green Lantern wasn't arrested?

Who needs law when you have superheroes who know they're fighting for right and justice? Obviously the populace has nothing to fear because they wouldn't be called heroes if they didn't have a finely tuned sense of ethics! I'd be more comfortable allowing heroes to incarcerate supervillains without any trials if they would treat other "heroes" as supervillains when the other "heroes" did shit that endangered the public. Like maybe throw those Teen Titans in juvie for a bit. That'd go a long way to earn a bit of my trust back.

Earth 2: Society #7 Rating: No change. Oh shit! How many issues of Earth-2 (including World's End) have we had to endure without a Justice Society? About five million, I think?! It looks like they might finally be forming their little Justice League! Although judging by the way things have been going in this alternate universe, somebody is going to begin bickering with somebody else and they'll all get pissed off and go back to living in separate cities with their grudges for roommates.

Earth 2: Society #6

Calling Anarky "evil" seems a bit over the top. She just has a different opinion on how life should be lived. One with which I don't completely disagree.

I'm pretty sure the Anarky of Earth-Too is female no matter how non-female the Anarky on the cover looks. But then, it's not Anarky's responsibility to proclaim her gender through appearance. Although if she's the kind of person who gets offended when somebody misgenders her by using the wrong pronoun then she can just completely fuck off. Sometimes people don't use the correct pronoun. Who can blame anybody when everybody is trying to look as androgynous as possible! You'd think being accidentally misgendered would be a fucking compliment nowadays! And it's really strange that the most important piece of information on a person's Tumblr is their pronouns yet they risk going out into public without a button or pin stuck to their chest informing everyone they meet of this fact. Although I did once see one young person with a "He/His" button on his backpack that enabled me to type this sentence with the utmost confidence that he wanted to be called he within it.

Look, young people. We know it's cool and trendy to be all-the-sexuals or none-of-the-sexuals but definitely not the regular-old-vanilla-sexuals. And it's hip and groovy to be all-the-genders or none-of-the-genders or some-new-genders-that-haven't-been-thought-up-yet because it makes you interesting and cutting edge and not your parents. Fine. Whatever. Go to town! But don't think you're any different than every other generation of young people all striving to be cool and trendy in whatever was cool and trendy for the time. Also stay off my fucking lawn. If I wanted it to be full of glitter and squees, I'd let strippers wrestle on it.

The worst thing about youth is that it's a standing wave. There are always young people who think they're the first people to ever be young. They're the first people to ever think of an idea. They're the first people who really want to change the world. They're the first people whose parents don't understand them. It's a constant equation. But it's a constant equation with constantly changing variables which quickly don't include you. As you move away from it, you see how it never really changes in any substantive manner. The youths currently in the wave think they're rocking the fucking world. But just wait. The further and further you move from it, the more times you see the faces and style of that wave change but nothing that really matters. And then you just get tired of hearing how the youth know better than everybody else as they point out everything that's already been said and done before.

Tonight I just watched a very special Christmas episode of The Love Boat from around 1986. Peter Scolari (Commissioner Loeb from Gotham for the kids) mentions how when he was younger, his sister had a story book about a princess who went around saving princes and knights in distress. See, Youths? You didn't think of that. That's not your revolutionary idea. Although it would be something you'd be amazed to hear, turn into a gif set, and then proclaim, "Guys! This was in 1986!" As if everybody in the 20th Century was just dripping in cholera as they waded through streets full of feces decrying anybody who would stand against the Patriarchy. Of course it wasn't like that! There were packs of rabid stray dogs everywhere as well.

I'm glad I'm behind a paywall now so I don't have to listen to youths screech at me for opinions they might remember when they eventually hit forty and think to themselves, "Oh yeah. Got it."

Last issue, Batdick, The Flash, and Superman saved Neotropolis from being crushed by the Hitler/Sauron-Dreamcrusher-5, Commander Sato's ship. They realized that the villain behind it was The Newest God Jim Olsen who now calls himself Doctor Impossible so I can stop typing the awkward phrase "The Newest God." They've gone to stop him in his home: the evil city of Erebus which you can tell is evil because it was named Erebus. Doctor Impossible isn't the subtlest guy on the block. But luckily all of the heroes have been caught up in a lot of drama over the past year, so nobody had the passing thought, "Erebus? Really? What the fuck might be going on over there?!"

Doctor Impossible has a few teammates. Johnny Sorrow. Anarky. And a new guy who isn't really new but has yet another new version of himself.

Instead of being a drug addict who gets sort of strong for an hour after taking a pill, the new Hourman becomes a god for an hour after sacrificing a goat.

No, I was wrong. Hourman's just another junkie hopped up on Miraclo.

Doctor Impossible uses Hourman to distract the super friends while he gets away to go see "an old friend." That's when the story flashes back to the origin of Earth-Too Hourman. He's basically the son of the original Hourman, Rex Tyler. So this is the Infinity Inc. Rick Tyler Son of Hourman Hourman.

After the flashback is over, Doctor Impossible visits with Helena Wayne to recruit her to his side. He just wants Earth-2 back instead of having to live on Green Lantern's Earth-Too. So the "evil" side simply wants to try to rebuild their planet at the cost of destroying the Earth-Too created out of the head of Green Lantern. How about they compromise and give Doctor Impossible and his group the evil bottom half of Earth-Too while everybody else can remain on the good top half! I'm sure Green Lantern can move all life into the Northern Hemisphere and then build a big green wall around the equator so that the Southern Hemisphere can be terraformed. It totally sounds like the kind of thing that happens in comic books all of the time! It's certainly no worse an idea than Gotham's Underground!

Earth 2: Society #6 Rating: No change. Hey! Guess what has been a bad idea in this comic book before and continues to be a bad idea? Setting Huntress and Power Girl against each other! Because who doesn't have just the worst memories of their friendship in Worlds' Finest, right? What an awfully joyous and chipper that relationship was! Pee-yuke! So many hugs and laughs and good times! What a wretched idea! But now it's being fixed by putting them at odds against each other. Well done, comic book and writer and editor. Good show! I hate you all.

Teen Titans Annual #1

And just when I thought Superboy was going to start getting some joy out of life. I guess DC hates him.

After writing more than 2000 reviews on comics, I'm going to have to allow myself to repeat stories I've already told. Generally, I can remember what I've written about so I know when I'm repeating myself and, often, I make note that I've said something before. My memory sucks in a lot of ways, like remembering where in time something happened or coming up with names or specific words. But one area that my memory seems to work well is knowing when and who I've told a story to. It's probably because my interactions with other people are so limited. Often when someone I know begins telling me a story that they've already told me, I'm never quite sure what to do. Do I just listen to them tell the entire thing again? Do I tell them they've already told me and then stand their awkwardly having caused a rift in the conversation? Do I punch them in the throat and kick them a few times when they've fallen down? Sometimes I just make jerking off motions until they get angry and leave. I'd trade in my inability to come up with the exact word I want to use while writing if it meant I would often retell the same stories to the same people constantly. I wish we could pick our flaws so we could get bonus points in other areas of our lives. I would pick the flaws "Too Handsome," "Born To Horribly Wealthy Assholes," and "Uncomfortably Large Cock." Then with my bonus points, I'd put some in "Handsomeness" and some in "Wealth" and some in "Cock Size." I'd choose those three traits because they are the three biggest factors in becoming a successful man! I don't know what women would replace "Cock Size" with to become successful. "Butt Firmness"?

This issue is called "The Source of Mercy" because it is about how Superboy learns about Allah, I'm guessing? The issue begins with a whole bunch of dead people in a street, a house on fire, a woman praying, and Superboy lying unconscious and still unhappy. He was created to be a living weapon, you know!

I actually forgot this was a Teen Titans comic book and not a Superboy comic book until I got to the page with Manchester Black and Red Robin hanging out. Which is kind of stupid of me since Superboy has spent most of his time in other characters' comic books anyway. In the entire run of his series, I don't think he ever got to have any adventures of his own. They were always tied up with other books. Poor kid.

All of the Titans are trying to sort out the news they're hearing about Superboy having committed this atrocity. Red Robin mentions that he's not going to contact Wonder Girl by phone because she probably needs a hug or something.

She's so sad because even though he was constantly trying to kill her, he was so cute!

Well I guess since people all over social media are speculating on what happened and saying that Superboy killed them all, and then Lois Lane is reporting on the speculation, that must be what happened! Social Media: The Most Trusted News Source In The World (that doesn't contain fact checking).

Sure, I just took a shot at people getting their news from a huge game of telephone. But the usual media sources? They deserve to not be trusted anymore because they fucking decided to stop doing the media's actual job. Of course people are going to believe whatever hyperbolic bullshit tumbles down the page on their social newsfeeds when the old standard media has also decided that fact checking is so twenty years ago. Here's why nobody likes you anymore, Old Media: there was a time when you did research and investigations to discover the truth of a matter. Now all you do is report what other people are saying and giving equal time to lies and bullshit so that the viewer can decide the truth. That's never been the media's job, you dickheads. Stop playing politics and get back to investigation and research or else the entire world is just going to listen to their friend's cousin's uncle's hairdresser before they listen to you.

Also, I'm so sick of this Wonder Girl/Superboy pseudo-relationship thing. It was never a thing in The New 52 so stop trying to recall their past relationship from an entirely different universe. All they've really done is punch each other in the face while saying things like "If you weren't such a murderous dick, I'd totally suck your dick!" and "I'm going to punch you in the tits or put my dick between them! I haven't decided yet!"

John Jones, detective with a penchant for Oreos!

Red Robin and Wonder Girl discuss Kon and how he became their friend even though they knew he was a living weapon. I'm not really sure how friendly they all became. I know Superboy and Bunker went out on a few dates. But Superboy wasn't even Kon for half the time they knew him! He was Jon! I think. Superboy's history is kind of confusing. But anyway, Wonder Girl doesn't seem to be crushing on him at all like Lobdell was trying to make it. She still doesn't really trust him. I approve of that even though she'll probably be kissing him before the end of the issue.

Martian Manhunter reads Kon's mind and finds out he did kill those people. But it turns out they were Durlans. Those are shape-changers for anybody that doesn't care about the Legion of Super-heroes. So he probably had a good reason to kill them since Durlans are always making trouble with their ability to hide among other species for their own conniving purposes.

Raven is hanging out with the band she inspired, Dark Mistress. Unless it's Night Mistress. The band doesn't even know. But then they're kind of stupid assholes.

So "black-white" is a metaphor for "night-dark." Idiot. By the way, the whole "it's a metaphor" meme? Never, ever funny. About as entertaining as planking.

Martian Manhunter is upset that Superboy killed the hidden Durlans although Martian Manhunter can sympathize even though Durlans are jerks! Didn't Hal Jordan mention how they tried to take over the universe and destroy the reputation of the Green Lantern Corps?

Martian Manhunter points out that "there are thirty-seven words for justice on Mars" and how "there is no word for mercy." Well then, you fucking piece of shit, your justice didn't really mean much, did it? Martians were probably just a bunch of bureaucratic assholes full of pent-up rage. Did one of those thirty-seven words happen to mean "killing somebody that might possibly have murdered a whole bunch of other people but not actually having any real proof yet"? Also, if Martian Manhunter is going to kill Superboy because he killed a bunch of aliens that may or may not have been trying to conquer Earth, he might want to go strangle Batman after this since he recently dropped a load of aliens into a volcano.

Martian Manhunter and the final Durlan, Ra'ut, get into an eye-beam battle over whether or not Superboy is at fault for the death of the Durlans. I know J'onn is often portrayed as stodgy and boring so it's nice when he's given some personality. But not this. He's the guy you go to for calm and rational. Even if this situation has hit a nerve, I just don't buy it that he'd fly off the handle like this and engage in a battle in the middle of a police precinct that could cause more deaths. But drama! This is drama! And that makes good comic books! Fight, heroes! Fight!

Superboy and Ra'ut escape from Martian Manhunter. Kon decides to call Tim for a little help even though the Teen Titans will be the first place anybody looks for him! Normally I'd say it wouldn't be but according to the comic book, everybody knows everything about the Titans and loves them and they also love Superboy because he was kind of part of the team when nobody knew who they were.

Allegedly! Allegedly killed twenty-two innocent people!

Wonder Girl slaps Superboy and wonders why he didn't tell them he was back from the future. Well, actually, Wonder Girl...he's back from the dead. See, the future Superboy was not this Superboy! This Superboy was dead and acting as a Silver Surfer Wannabe for that piece of shit garbage Oracle character created by a piece of shit garbage writer. I don't even think this Superboy would know what you're talking about with the future shit! He's had a bit of a complicated life lately.

As the Titans try to figure out what to do with Superboy in his new metaphor (God I hate that I typed that), J'onn J'onzz comes crashing through the wall because he's a thoughtless, destructive dick. No wait. That's somebody else. This must not be Martian Manhunter. It's probably a Durlan because J'onn wouldn't act like a careless asshole.

Martian Manhunter punches Gar in the head and probably kills him. Then he blasts Raven with heat vision and probably kills her. Then he makes green ring things at Red Robin and probably kills him. He does know he's the most powerful super hero on Earth and he's fighting a bunch of teenagers for no reason, right? I'm also pretty sure that he can phase so he didn't need to smash through the wall and possibly ruin the integrity of a skyscraper thus endangering hundreds of lives. Martian Manhunter is a dick.

Superboy knocks out J'onn J'onzz because this is a Teen Titans comic. Sorry, J'onn! Also, you were kind of asking for it. Although when Manchester Black shows up and decides to use you for a couch, that's maybe going a little too far. I think it also might be racist somehow.

Red Robin, Bunker, Beast Boy, Raven, Superboy, and Ra'ut scarper. They have to go to ground while they figure out how to clear Superboy's name. Too bad! They were just getting famous for being the good guys! I guess that's not DC's way though. They'd rather have the Teen Titans miserable and constantly on the run. I think it's a metaphor! You know, for teen angst and how adults never understand?

Manchester Black arrives to convince Power Girl and Wonder Girl to join STAR Labs new group of super heroes. I'm not sure why Manchester Black has been so interested in getting the Teen Titans to work for him when he has his own team of heroes. I guess he just wanted a bigger roster.

Meet the new teen members: Klarion! Impulse! The Guardian! An Indigo Lantern! And the snake is probably Martian Girl! Unless Ra'ut winds up being Martian Girl even though she's a Durlan and not a White Martian.

Teen Titans Annual #1 Rating: Why is this book slipping right into the shit that made it so horrible way back in the Harvest days? Once again, we have the Teen Titans on the run from other teen heroes working for a shady corporation with lots of periods in its name. I think it's Superboy's fault. Can DC Comics just keep Superboy out of every other comic book until they figure out who he is and what they should do with him? His confusing origin and back story and history and identity fucks up everybody else's good times. New 52 Superboy is a useless mess.

Twat Lobo #5

Finally, Cullen Bunn is delving into the one thing that always defined Lobo: romance!

See? Would I lie to you, loyal readers?

I just dug through a bunch of comic book boxes looking for issues of Lobo by Alan Grant and I only found from #48 on. It looks like the older issues remain in my childhood home. I also realized I don't have my run of The Demon. And now I feel empty inside! I think I need to plan a trip home soon to pick up all of my old comic books. Oh, and to see my mom!

I found a lot of comics that I'm surprised I owned. Darwyn Cooke's The New Frontier #1. The first three issues of Identity Crisis. Maybe that's why I purchased the hardcover when it came out because I wanted to see how the story ended. But fuck all if I even remember reading the individual issues. I also discovered this gem which is relevant to the current Teen Titans run:

I don't remember this (or the other issues of The Power Company that I own) at all. I'm sure I purchased it on the strength of Busiek's Astro City.

The Power Company is about an eighth of an inch wider than other comics. I thought maybe new comics had shrunk not just in pages but in size, but Twat Lobo #5 is the same size as Lobo #54.

Anyway, let's turn our attention to far less interesting matters: Twat Lobo! The issue begins with Twat Lobo killing off yet another of Earth's would-be assassins. When is he going to have trouble killing one of them? I guess that will be the final target, right?

Now I want to write a comic book called General Calamity and Wanton Violence. It would be set in the old west and be full of gore and good-intentioned racist microaggressions. You know the kind! Like when some white gunslinger has his ass saved by a Chinese fella and the gunslinger says, "You ain't so bad, fer a chinerman." And the Chinese Gunslinger smiles graciously while planning on whether he's going to piss or shit in the white gunslinger's stew later. You know! A fun comic book!

Oh shit! I just had an Asian-American Doll moment! I didn't mean for the comic book to sound like it was a white guy named General Calamity and a Chinese guy named "Wonton" Violence! Man, my cynicism almost failed me but I caught it just in time! Although, fuck me, it's a good idea! "So, you're name is Wonton Violence, hunh?" "No, it is 'Wanton' Violence,' you ignorant cocksucker!" Of course, Wanton Violence delivers his line over a smoking pistol and the corpse of the ignorant cocksucker.

What does "just this side of binary code" mean? Are her spells just long strings of either Eye of Newt or Toe of Frog? TOE EYE TOE TOE EYE EYE TOE TOE TOE EYE EYE TOE TOE TOE TOE EYE TOE EYE EYE TOE EYE EYE TOE EYE TOE EYE EYE TOE TOE EYE TOE EYE.

Twat Lobo shoots Zarielle Thane in the face and walks away. I doubt she's dead though because Cullen Bunn gave her a name! She'll be back using Binary Magic!

Next on Twat Lobo's list is a guy named The Businessman. Sounds scary! To get some information on the whereabouts of The Businessman, Twat Lobo interrupts two employees fucking in the middle of the office on everybody's last day.

How does Twat Lobo know she could do better? Or he could do better? Whichever one he was actually talking to. And what does "better" even have to do with it? They just want to fuck before never seeing each other again! What does "better" have to do with it? Unless Twat Lobo knows instinctively how good each of these people are at fucking and he's just trying to hand down some friendly advice so they don't waste their time on awkwardly bad sex.

Up on the 42nd 23rd Floor, Twat Lobo discovers lots of dead security guards and a woman called The Pariah. She's from Xrexia, Czarnia's sister planet (whatever that means). And she's the last of her kind too! I guess that means these two are destined to fuckfight. It's plain to see! Especially if you close the comic book and look at the cover again. Yep! There it is! Fuckfighting right out in the open!

So they fuckfight for a bit with a lot of yakking about how Xrexia was destroyed when Czarnia blew up and how Czarnians and Xrexians are apparently the same species because sister planets and comic books and fuck you and what not.

She obviously doesn't know Twat Lobo very well. He gets a boner every time he kills.

Twat Lobo's kink for killing isn't anything near as strange as The Pariah's kink though.

Eww! Guts turn her on! Gross! She probably uses them like anal beads!

So Xrexia was colonized by anti-Emperor Czarnians and the Emperor was all, "Sure! No problem! Let them go live free from my rule!" You know, the way emperors always do. So understanding. I suppose he couldn't stop the initial batch from fleeing but according to Twat Lobo's recent flashback, the emperor did set up a policy of destroying all ships leaving Czarnia for Xrexia.

Apparently there is one of those ancient prophecies that like to impose themselves on comic book characters. This one states that one day The Pariah and The Lobo would bring back both of their races from ruination! But that can't happen because Twat Lobo has a code and that code says something about how The Pariah has to die for some reason. I guess she's one of the Earth Assassins and she's taking out her competition as well. So I guess she's the one with which Twat Lobo is going to have a tough time dealing!

The Pariah leaves Twat Lobo to heal because she really wants to save the fuck part of the fuckfight for later. After Twat Lobo heals, he finds half of The Businessman crawling for safety. Before Twat Lobo kills him, The Businessman delivers a message from The Pariah: she destroyed Czarnia, you fucking toolbag.

Twat Lobo #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. I remember Real Deal Lobo's name meant something about one who devours one's entrails and thoroughly enjoys it. But Twat Lobo's name is a rank or a position. Has he explained that yet? I'd like him to re-explain it if he did because I missed it. It makes more sense that there is a prophecy about The Lobo and The Pariah if these were positions that existed for centuries on both planets. Anyway, this issue was much better than previous issues, probably because Twat Lobo never said, "Sorry. Not sorry." I hope Sheba returns soon.

Secret Origins #9

Swamp Thing
The Swamp Thing was created when a drunk frat guy pissed on and then vomited into the Greek House's mascot, a four foot tall Chia Pet lovingly referred to as Hervé Villechaize. The Chia Pet was posted outside the room the frat brothers had dubbed "Fantasy Island." Most of the fantasies that took place in the room were unsatisfying, hazy, and most likely criminal. The morning after the Chia Pet had come to life, neighbors complained of an unbearable stench coming from the house. When none of the members of the frat could be reached, a Hazmat team kicked down the front door to investigate. What they found were the half-decayed bodies of every member of the frat, their bodies propped up against walls and furniture with one arm raised to the sky, the index finger extending from the otherwise closed fist. Across the back wall, smeared in blood and faces, was the phrase, "The Plane."

I'm pretty sure that's how Swamp Thing was first introduced in House of Mystery #171 House of Secrets #92!

The account of how Alec Holland became the Swamp Thing is being written by Gaurev the Sureen based on interviews he conducted with Brother Jonah, The Wolf, and Lady Weeds. So I don't think his account is going to be any more trustworthy than my account!

The beginning of the story won't surprise anybody. Alec Holland was the shining star and number one draft pick for the job of Avatar of the Green which meant The Rot needed to kill him before he posed a threat to their power. This ended in the iconic image of Alec Holland stumbling out of his house, on fire, and face planting into the swamp.

Is that iconic? Maybe I just mean familiar!

After he died, some other Swamp Thing only pretending to be Alec Holland bumbled around during the years before Flashpoint. But then Alec Holland was brought back to life by a White Ring and the Swamp Thing realized he was nothing but a husk pretending to be an avatar and it went off to live on Mars. The Parliament of Trees pursued Alec until he was finally forced to take on the role and become the greatest Swamp Thing that ever existed (if you discount Alan Moore's Swamp Thing who might not actually have been as talented (the Thing! Not the Moore!) but fuck did it leave an impact on the comic book world).

Gaurav ends his biography with some overly emotional pap and that's that. The Swamp Thing's secret origin! That wasn't much of a secret at all, really.

Swamp Thing Secret Origin Rating: No change. This was less of a synopsis and more of a finally! Wait, I think I got that wrong. It was simply exactly what you would have expected. Look in the swamp! It's a plant! It's a compost heap! It's a monster! No, wait! It's a human! Applause.

Power Girl
I'm just guessing that this is Power Girl's origin since it's written by Paul Levitz and it begins with Superman finding a crashed ship with a flying blonde toddler in it! She doesn't have her boob window yet but then she doesn't have boobs either, so I guess it would be useless. This is normally where I try to remember everything I know about the character's secret origin but fuck if I know anything about Power Girl's Preboot origin! I never really did follow the Earth-2 kids. Or were they Earth-1 back then? It's all so confusing!

Clark brings the little girl back to his parents' farmhouse to say, "What the fuck do we do with this?!"

And then she kicked a hole straight through Ma Kent's belly.

Kara eventually gets old enough to move to the big city to live with Clark and Lois. Superman heads to the farm to pick her up, they say their goodbyes to the Kents, and then they fly away, Kara still in her civvies. Haven't any of these people ever heard of binoculars?! They really don't give a shit about secret identities, do they? I suppose Superman's whole "glasses are a good enough disguise" attitude says exactly how much he cares about secret identities. Put a little effort into it, why dontcha?

Oh, also, they don't go to the big city. They go to the deserted island because Clark is a controlling asshat.

"Honey, try to see it from my point of view. I don't need a daughter or a sister. But just remember: I love you, weapon."

Eventually Lois was killed and then Catwoman was killed and then Supergirl found her best friend, Robin. Then the world nearly blew up and Superman and Batman died saving it and Supergirl and Robin found themselves trapped in a raging river in their inflatable raft only to head over a cliff and through a portal into another land.

There they met a furry little guy named Chaka and a whole series of pylons which hid altars filled with gemstones. One of the most powerful was in a cave filled with Sleestak, terrifying lizard-like men with huge claws and big black eyes. Eventually, after lots and lots of experiments and some close calls getting home, they did figure out how to open a portal and head back to Earth-2 to see their world burn.

But before Power Girl left, she gave some of her powers and all of her money to Tanya Spears.

Power Girl Secret Origin Rating: No change. Come on, Secret Origins! Tell me some stuff that hasn't been mostly explained in the issues since The New 52 began! The new stuff about Kara being just a kid at the farm was cute but it just wasn't enough to change the ranking. Now if only they had finally included that Helena/Karen shower scene we've all been clamoring for!

John Stewart, Green Lantern
I don't remember if I ever read the Preboot story about how John Stewart was picked to be a Green Lantern. And I'm not even sure if it's been covered since The New 52 began. So maybe I'm finally going to learn some super exciting stuff that I've never known before! Finding things that I don't already know is super difficult because I know just about everything. It can get pretty boring going through life with an IQ of 28. You never miss nothin'! Or something.

Oh boy! It's another "Earth is super fucking special" story!

I'd better be nice while commenting on this story because it's probably been written by my very best almost Facebook friend in all of the world, Van Jensen. What kind of a name is Van? That sounds like a girl's name!

Oh boy! It's another "Stewart kills his friends when he must kill his friends" story!

The Guardians watching him like that he's able to yell at authority figures and design buildings. He's a lot like one of their favorite earthlings ever, Mike Brady.

John gets a job working for Ferris Air. What a coincidence! That's where lots and lots of Lantern activity takes place! What is Guy Gardner's connection to Ferris Air? Did he pass out in every pilot's bar in the area?

The Guardians crash a Manhunter into one of the runways and it begins strutting around saying, "Where is Green Lantern? Where is the one you call the Lantern Green? Where is the being that is Green and carries a Lantern? Kill all men!"

Oh yeah! I totally forgot they say that all of the time!

The Lantern Ring flies down and says, "John Stewart of Earth. You have the ability to kill your best friends. Welcome to the Green Lantern Corps!" And John Stewart is all, "Now we're talking, baby!" John learns that anything he imagines, the ring creates. Luckily the first thing he imagines is a machine gun. If I had been chosen, Carol Ferris's clothes would have instantly flown off in all directions. And I would have been all "Whoops!" because I didn't know it would do that! And Carol would be all, "You knew it would do that!" And I would be all, "What? No way!" And she would have been, "We'll talk about this later in the motel room where you can take my clothes off in private!" And I would be all, "Carol is my centerfold!" And she'd be all, "Piss on the wall!" And I'd be all, "Do you remember when?" And she'd be all, "Angel in Green!" And I'd be all, "Manhunter's stink! Yeah yeah!"

John defeats the Manhunter because "no man" escapes the Manhunters and John isn't a man at all. He's an architect! Then the ring flies him to Oa to be called a Poozer.

See? I should man a psychic hotline. But people can only ask questions that any comic book lover can answer. I'd be awesome!

John Stewart Secret Origin Rating: No change. John didn't even kill any of his best friends! What a let down!

Twat Lobo #4

Now I want to draw this one in crayon too!

I've always believed that who we are doesn't really change all that much over the course of our lives. A few years ago, my dad gave me some copies of my elementary school report cards. Most of you reading this don't know me at all but I assure you that thirty seven years later, Mrs. McFarland's assessment of me in kindergarten still rings true.

11-9-76: Tess is a fine boy. He does have his 'problems' but I see progress every day. He has an excellent mind.
1-28-77: Tess continues to make great progress. He is entering into nearly all activities willingly now.
4-14-77: Tess has days when his 'mood' affects the way he participates.

Mrs. McFarland gave me a minus (which isn't good!) in the following categories:

Interacts positively with others.
Accepts guidance from others when necessary.
Feels good about himself.
Has self-discipline.
Is emotionally able to cope with problems.
Demonstrates an attempt to solve his own problems.
Uses time to his advantage.

You know what? Fuck you, Mrs. McFarland! How dare you judge me, you cantankerous old cow!

Actually, I really liked her! I remember spending an awful lot of time sitting alone while everybody else engaged in some activity or another. I did like playing in the sandbox with the rubber animals, lying on my blanket during naptime, going across the first grade playground to play in the padded gymnastics room, and playing "Button, Button, Who's Got the Button?" My best friend (and possibly only friend in kindergarten) was a girl named Judy. I remember stacking blocks with her but not much else.

Lately, Twat Lobo and Superman have been having some problems. They just don't seem to like each other much.

Who fucking made you king of the world?!

Fucking illegal aliens! Come to this planet and start acting like they own the thing! What gives Superman more right to be on Earth than Twat Lobo? Simply because he was here twenty something years before Twat Lobo?! Superman's just as bad as every other immigrant that ever came to the shores of America slightly before every other immigrant!

Twat Lobo wants to shoot Superman in the face but his three anchors tell him it's a bad idea. The bald anchor with the handlebar mustache references an old fucking song about how you don't tug on Superman's cape and you don't spit into the wind and you don't do a bunch of other things and you don't mess around with Jim. Or Superman. Unless he's referencing Rapper's Delight by The Sugar Hill Gang but I think that one just insults the fuck out of Superman.

Instead of throwing Twat Lobo off the planet again, Superman probably realizes he's being a controlling douche and decides to talk it out with Twat Lobo. I think they'll be best friends in no time! Even though Twat Lobo is an imbecile who constantly says "Sorry Not Sorry," he actually seems more inclined to compromise than Real Deal Lobo the Original and One and Only Lobo. That Lobo constantly got his ass kicked whenever he came to Earth, so Twat Lobo has the right idea making friends with Superman.

Twat Lobo tells Superman that he's after some guy named Snake Omega and that Snake is going to use the Planet Earth as a bullet to kill some other alien that Snake has a contract for.

At first I thought those were potatoes but I think this giant space guy just shits where he stands and lets his turds float off.

Twat Lobo should be the one using the planet Earth as ammunition! He shouldn't be an inadvertent super hero helping to save the planet! This is one of the things I hate about Twat Lobo! Even though it's a good idea that he buddies up to Superman, I still hate him for being a weak-willed asshole! Tell Superman to fuck off, ya big wuss!

Superman and Twat Lobo decide to work together to capture Snake Omega before Earth blasts its way through some alien's skull. While they search for Snake Omega, Twat Lobo decides to have a flashback.

In his flashback, Twat Lobo's world of Czarnia is falling down around him as the citizens go crazy. Twat Lobo and the princess are the only ones not infected yet so Twat Lobo says not to touch anybody since they don't know how the sickness spreads. He then immediately sticks his fingers into the eyes of an attacker. I bet he rubs his face with that hand before washing it!

Back in the present, the team-up isn't going so well.

Just suck each other's dick and get it over with.

Twat Lobo isn't able to kill Snake Omega in front of Superman because Superman has a planet sized stick up his ass. So instead, Twat Lobo's pals plant a bomb on Snake Omega's escape ship and he blows up later. Superman once more tells Twat Lobo to leave Earth, Twat Lobo promises to leave, Superman flies off, and Twat Lobo goes back to hunting Earth killers. That Superman! What a naive jerk!

Twat Lobo #4 Rating: No change. I liked the cover although it should have had more dicks in more mouths. And I liked the idea of using Earth as a bullet to assassinate some space giant. Especially if that space giant had been Oracle! I don't mind losing an Earth to kill that idiotic character.

Twat Lobo #3

"With friends like these..." what?! Readers will become fucking bored and this comic book will fail spectacularly?!

Twat Lobo reminds me that I should be putting more effort into my writing. Maybe I should craft actual jokes instead of spewing the kind of nonsense that drama geeks find hilarious. You know those kinds of jokes, right? The ones where somebody says a non sequitor in a passable Groucho Marks voice and everybody loses their shit. And then Mary says, "Mark, you are so funny!" And everybody agrees, "Yes! Yes! Mark is so funny!" Then they all spend the next hour talking about how problematic Timothy has been lately and how they can't stand visiting his Facebook page and seeing that they still have five mutual friends with him. Ugh! Have they not yet heard the story about how Mindy gently called out his mild ableism and he got upset and refused to apologize? She was just trying to help him! And now Mindy is suffering from a mild case of PTSD where she's fearful of being yelled at when correcting other people's social missteps. Oh, and did you see that episode of Buffy from 1997 where they dealt with homophobia? Oh my god, that show was so far ahead of its time! I'm always so shocked when an old person, like in their thirties, is actually, like, a decent person! It must have been so hard growing up in such a misogynistic, racist, homophobic, ableist, gender-coded time as the eighties!

I just ate a whole bag of Moose Munch! I wonder if that would have been enough of a story to get its own subplot in Degrassi Junior High. "Did you hear? Stephanie ate a whole bag of Moose Munch. All by herself!" "No! I could see her brother, Broomhead, doing that. But Steph?! How is she going to fit into her whore clothes?!" "Oh! Um, Steph! We didn't see you there in the stall! Now my party will be ruined!"

How do I segue from that to Twat Lobo? Was that good enough?

This issue begins with a flashback to Twat Czarnia where Twat Lobo is in charge of protecting the Twat Emperor from Twat Rebels. I guess life on Czarnia is just like life everywhere else. A few enjoy the resources of the planet while the majority struggle to eke out a life hardly worth living.

Is that a challenge, Twat Emperor?!

The Emperor has a bit of a Real Deal Lobo feel to him! I think it's the healing factor. And the sideburns! We now have an explanation for Real Deal Lobo's healing factor (I mean besides the Magenta Timeline Explanation from Stormwatch that I don't think counts for this timeline). A Czarnian that drinks of the Holy Sacrament gains the power to heal from all wounds. Or most wounds. Although I'm hoping they heal from all wounds so that Real Lobo will eventually come back to take over this book from Twat Lobo.

Will Real Deal Really Real Lobo come back for Confluence?!

Is that supposed to be an insult against Microsoft? I think the otherworldly language thing kind of eases the sting.

Twat Lobo is currently hunting some guy named Double-Zero that can phase through walls. He looks like a Big Daddy because why shouldn't an alien's spacesuit look like a nineteenth century diving suit? A whole race of aliens based their energy batteries on railroad lanterns.

Twat Lobo can't beat this guy because the guy is faster than Twat Lobo. Oh yeah, also: he can phase. I suppose Twat Lobo had to battle somebody he couldn't beat alone so that his new crew didn't just seem like extra baggage. Even though they are.

All alien tech should look like remnants from Earth. Just like all those fucking aliens generally have Latin based names!

Emily, the small one that's probably the most expertest expert of computers that ever existed, cracks the computer's code (because she's also quite good with alien languages and alphabets, I guess) and screws up Double-Zero's suit so that he gets locked in mid-phase. Twat Lobo kills him and lets him know that he, Twat Lobo, is the only one of them that's killed a world. Are you sure, Twat Lobo? Are you sure it wasn't Real Deal Lobo that actually destroyed Czarnia?

Here's more of Twat Lobo's Code, just in case anybody is making a list. I know I'm not. No reason to. As soon as fans call Cullen Bunn out for screwing up and making Twat Lobo do something that he said was against the Code in an earlier appearance, Cullen Bunn will just write a page where Twat Lobo admits to making up the rules as he goes to justify his behavior.

The fifth victim on their list is Snake Omega. They think he might be hiding out in Metropolis. And you know what that means?! Lois Lane is going to get a scoop!

Twat Lobo #3 Rating: No change. I hate the character but I could probably enjoy the comic book if there were more to it than Twat Lobo gets a job to hunt down eight mercs. How many times do I have to point out that the "13 Ghosts of Scooby Doo" story arc is the easiest plot to write? It's why I based Dwarf Lover on it! The flashback stuff is beginning to get interesting, especially if Twat Emperor turns out to be Real Deal Lobo! And even if he doesn't, Real Deal Lobo should be appearing in the flashbacks soon. Possibly as the leader of the rebel forces. Or maybe just as some loony nutball psychopath.

Earth 2 #28

The Apokoliptian Invasion! Run for your life!

Since World's End has taken to telling a fairly linear story about the Not Quite the Justice Society's battle against Apokolips, Earth 2 hasn't been given any time at all to talk about them. So what will this comic book be about? I've got a feeling it will tell the secret origins of the Fab Furies of Apokolips! Remember them? They're the ones that were going to cause widespread devastation and tons of exciting plot twists but haven't really done shit for five full issues. What are they doing? They traveled across the universe to destroy Earth and they've simply all gone AWOL! I suppose I'll get my fill of them here.

The credits show four full sets of artists, so I guess each set will be doing one story each or something. The first story takes place on Czarnia. Oh great! With a special appearance by Twat Lobo, I bet! Is Twat Lobo from Earth-2's Czarnia? Is that all the explanation we need? Is his Czarnia really from Earth-Twat?!

Wait. This girl and bad boy Twat Lobo aren't going to come together and create a baby, are they? A baby THAT WILL NEVER BE BORN!

My first thought was that this Czarnian was going to be Death. But beyond the skin color, they really don't share any similarities. I bet she becomes Pestilence after Twat Lobo (or Lobo Lobo?!) destroys Czarnia with a plague. Twat Lobo gives the girl some advice and never once says, "Sorry. Not sorry." I am sorry for typing that though.

This Czarnian is caught stealing medicine for her family and locked away. As punishment, she's filled with every disease known to Czarnia to be the ambassador to Apokolips. All she has to do is act naturally, walk up to Darkseid, and fill him full of various airborne illnesses.

"I feel fine! When do I get to meet Darkseid?! Um, don't worry about my exploding sores! You should have seen them yesterday! I'm totally getting better. Now where's her majesty? I mean his majesty?!"

Desaad has probably never seen a gift horsemen in his life but he recognizes one when he sees one. And he doesn't even look her in the mouth because gross! Desaad hires her and this story ends. Except it doesn't end with "the end." It does that stupid, overdone thing where it ends with "The beginning...". I hope all four short stories don't end like that! You can't do that, can you? Maybe that's the only way it can be done! Four times in the same comic book! It's so overdone that it will come back around to being underdone and clever!

The next story takes place on the Warworld of Earth-2. Or, um, Universe-2, I guess! It stars Famine! And Mongul! And Steppenwolf! What a star-studded cast! I wonder if Jim Starlin is upset that somebody else is writing his baby, Warworld?

On Warworld, they battle seemingly eight days a week. In spite of all the danger, Steppenwolf has decided to pay a visit to Warworld, probably to look for new recruits.

How do those little skinny guys carry that weight? I saw her standing there on the battlefield, and she's freaking gigantic! She looks like a yellow submarine!

Later at dinner, Steppenwolf is all, "Miss, I've just got to get you into my life." And Mongul is all, "Ain't she sweet?" And Steppenwolf is all, "Do you want to know a secret? My furies live forever!" And Mongul is all, "Oh! Darling, do not listen to him!" And Steppenwolf is all, "You'll be mine." And Mongul is all, "What you're doing is not cool!" And Steppenwolf is all, "Baby, baby. You know what to do." And Soon-to-be-Famine is all, "Everybody's trying to be my baby!" And Mongul is all, "Don't let me down!" And Steppenwolf is all, "I want you (she's so heavy!)." And Mongul is all, "Don't listen to him! The two of us...we can work it out!" And Soon-to-be-Famine is all, "I sense a beginning ending coming up!" And Steppenwolf is all, "I don't want to spoil the party, but you're going to lose that girl!" And Mongul is all, "I'm a loser." And Steppenwolf is all, "She's leaving home!" And Mongul is all, "I'll get you!" And Soon-to-be-Famine is all, "Hello goodbye!" And Mongul is all, "Help! I should have known better!" And that's how the Fury of Famine left Jim Starlin's Warworld to live on Apokolips.

And, yes, this story ended with "The Beginning...". So it's getting really exciting! Four "The Beginning..."s in one book! If I were a paperback writer, I would never even attempt this feat!

The next story stars little Earth-2 Starfire, K'li. I think that was her name. It's possible her name is Lucille. Or Michelle! Maggie Mae? Starfire-2 crash lands on Apokolips and kills every parademon she stumbles across.

Hello little girl. How do you do it?

Big Barda trains Universe-2 Starfire to be the best monster she can be. Every little thing she does is horrific, as if she had a devil in her heart. Here, there and everywhere, corpses line her wake. Darkseid readily accepts her as his Fury of War thus marking another beginning! Three in a row! Majestic!

The fourth story is about Death and takes place on Mars-2. Happiness is a warm gun. I am the walrus. Everybody's got something to hide except me and my monkey. Being for the benefit of Mr. Kite! Maxwell's silver hammer.

Ob-la-di, ob-la-da.

I want to hold your hand. Blackbird. Dear Prudence. Dizzy Miss Lizzy. Magical mystery tour. Lucy in the sky with diamonds. The long and winding road. Komm, gib mir deine Hand. I've just seen a face. Glass onion. Doctor Robert.

Day tripper.

Earth 2 #28 Ranking: I'm only sleeping.