Secret Origins #11

John Constantine
The secret origin of John Constantine is that his father stuck his penis in John's mother's vagina and ejaculated at least one spermatozoa which managed to swim up John's mother's lady parts (like a uvula tube or something. It's all very complicated down there) and penetrate the cell wall of one of her eggs recently ejected from one of her ovaries. It's all very much like every single one of our origins. Except our parents weren't fucking in the middle of a pentagram with dead children stacked up all around them and old men and women in black robes chanting glowing words from sulfurous books bound in human skin. Okay, maybe not your parents. But I'm pretty sure mine did since I did go to Haman the Satanic Elementary School in Santa Clara, California.

To discover the actual secret origin of John Constantine, some more of those jerks in black robes have summoned a demon to tell them the tale. But Constantine doesn't want people knowing his origin so he put up a masking spell in case of a situation like this. That means the demon is going to tell hem three stories, only one of which is true.

Come on! Even The Phantom Stranger's origin wasn't this wishy washy! At least not for the reboot.

One of his origins has him burning toys out in the yard. My first year in college at Portland State University, I could easily have burned down the entire dormitory. I had some of that shitty Brute cologne that relatives that don't know you very well purchase when you begin to get to that age where they know you're starting to stink. The only thing it was ever good for was filling a peanut butter cap full of it, setting a Dungeons and Dragons miniature into the middle of the liquid, and setting the whole thing ablaze to watch the figure melt in horror. Other fun things I did in the dorm: stared down a muscular guy that was screaming at his girlfriend in the stairwell until he turned his wrath on me, wondered what that fucking smell in the hallway was (hashish, I later found out), watched a neighbor smoking pot throw up on himself as he told me about the cockroach corpses he'd found in his room, spent an awkward evening drinking wine with an older couple sharing the room next to me and possibly contemplating asking me to join them in a three way. There was probably also a lot of masturbating. I mean by other people! I told did it with a chick or something. Probably like eight of them!

I did more stuff too! But I don't have all day to type all the cool things I accomplished that first year of college! Sheesh!

All of his stories converge at the burning his family to death moment.

Later he may or may not have done some other magical things. Also he might have worn a tie or had orange hair or masturbated while resting his chin on the edge of a dirty toilet. None of that really mattered because, once again, his story converges on a moment in Newcastle when he lost the soul of a young girl to hell, damning himself and his mates to...well, to kind of feel bad about themselves or something. Unless he beat the demon and saved the girl. I think the one where he fails but goes crazy is his television secret origin. And the one where he defeats the beast is his New 52 secret origin. And the one where he has orange hair and the young girl's severed arm is some other origin. Maybe Preboot? I really should reread my old Constantine comics!

Oh? Then I guess I don't have to reread my old comics! Thanks, John!

John Constantine Secret Origin Rating: -1 Ranking. It wasn't really much of a secret origin, was it? His family burned to death and he had a major battle for the life of an innocent in Newcastle. Already knew that stuff! The other things were all possibilities and what-nots! The story could have at least mentioned why he can't remain in London without slowly dying. That was a thing, right? But if John says it doesn't matter, I guess it doesn't matter. But he could have mentioned that to DC Comics before they chose to feature him in a comic book called Secret Origins! Fucking rip-off is what this was!

Guy Gardner
Guy Gardner was this angry guy that didn't have any fear and was given a ring by the Green Lantern Corps because the rings don't have a very good interview process. They just fly up to a person and say, "Mister Jones of Sector Whatever, you have the ability to overcome great fear. Welcome to the Green Lantern Corps!" And then whatever sociopath it chose gets to wield the most powerful weapon in the universe! And that's how Guy Gardner was given more power than he deserved to have!

Fucking hell. Then why did I buy this fucking comic booK?!

When Guy Gardner was a boy, nobody loved him. Boo fucking hoo. Wah wah wah! First his mother died. World's tiniest violin much? Then his brother would beat him up on a regular basis. Does baby need a nappy? And then Guy broke his brother's arm while defending his sister so brother couldn't beat him up anymore. That meant it was dad's turn to punch him! God, I'm running out of sarcastic ways to point out how much I don't care!

Well, that makes up for all that bullshit then! Thanks for the mediocre apology! Those beatings are totally forgotten now!

What I think the story is hinting at is that Guy Gardner had a tough childhood.

The whole family became cops and everything was good again! Not really because Guy's father was still a miserable, bitter asshole and Guy actually cared what his father thought for some reason. Look, some people just wind up having assholes for relatives. You don't have to make excuses for them over and over again just to have them in your life. I wish more people realized how easy it is to cut an asshole out of your life even if they're related to you. It's possible it's not as easy for other people because other people feel love and emotions and connections and shit like that.

Eventually Guy Gardner becomes a Green Lantern because the Green Lantern Corps has some kind of fetish for human beings. You assholes do know there are millions of other inhabited planets in Sector 2814, right? You don't have to choose them all from Earth!

Guy Gardner has so much anger inside that he eventually becomes a Red Lantern. I'm trying to find some compassion for him but I just love to point out how cliche his past was and don't have the willpower to stop myself. I fear I may have gone too far but I hope I didn't. Um, greed.

Guy Gardner Secret Origin Rating: No change. This was just a recounting of all the shit Guy's been through so far in The New 52. For somebody who has been reading all of the books with Guy in it, this holds no surprises. I think. Maybe the brother beating the shit out of him was new. Anyway, it might have been enlightening for readers that haven't cared about Guy at all since the Reboot. But then why would they care about this story too?

Black Canary
Black Canary's secret origin is that she gained the power to scream people's heads off while working for Team 8. Unless it was Team 7. Six maybe? I forget how she gained the power but at the beginning of the Team 7 comic book, she didn't have any powers. And by the end of it when Gamorra sunk beneath the ocean, she had the power to scream. I think it had something to do with the Majestic Project. Unless it was something else. I don't really remember. But who cares about any of that since Grifter is in this story!

From Grifter's perspective, this panel is full of his own Narration Boxes.

This story takes place immediately following the destruction of Gamorra. Black Canary has chosen to get the fuck out of New Atlantis with the skull of Pandora instead of searching for Kurt's body lost somewhere in the chaos below. As she swats a few of Grifter's Narration Boxes out of her way and settles down in the seat next to Stever Trevor, she decides to have a Secret Origin flashback! That's when she remembers how she developed her secret powers due to secret experiments she agreed to submit to while on Team 7.

And then she becomes the lead singer of the band Ashes On Sunday! I know I skipped some parts but I don't think they were very important. Although I think she got the name of her band at Kurt's funeral where somebody's ashes were buried and it was probably Sunday.

The government (or whoever was in charge of Team 7) decides they need to make Dinah disappear but she disappears herself first. And that's basically why she's been on the run since the Reboot started. Or something.

Black Canary Secret Origin Rating: No change. I don't have anything more to add to the Black Canary stuff. Once again, it was mostly stuff told in other stories. I am glad that this is the final issue of Secret Origins though! The problem I've always had with DC's Secret Origin books is that the characters that I'm interested in, I already know everything they tell me (and they rarely try to tell the story in a new and interesting way). And the characters that I don't know anything about, I'm never interested in! Otherwise I'd already know their secret origins! DC's Who's Who was always a better way to approach the history of their characters. You get a lot more into one book and you can just summarize their stories and their powers without telling a story that's been told and rehashed dozens of times before. Good riddance, Secret Origins!

Secret Origins #10

Batgirl
Batgirl's origin was that she saw The Music Man and was all, "Yeah! Girls can do anything boys can do better! I'll show that Batman!" Then she drove around Gotham on her moped fighting crime. Robin saw her one night and was all, "Batman! Batman! We have to train that red headed girl so that she doesn't get hurt and also because I have no confidence and am not willing to ask her out like a normal person so I'll get to know her by sparring with her!" And Batman was all, "Yeah, okay, whatever."

I think I totally nailed the essence of Batman's character in my guess about Batgirl's origin. And it is a guess because I have no idea what her origin really was. I'm sure it involved a motorcycle though! And a burning desire to prove that a girl can be a hero as well. And maybe a little rebelliousness because she was tired of being the straight laced daughter of the Commissioner. And if women are anything like men (I'm willing to bet they are, contrary to what the media tells me!), she was probably mostly doing it to score cocks. I mean "cocks" as in the opposite of "chicks" and not "cocks" as in the opposite of "pussies". I mean "pussies" as in "vaginas" and not "pussies" as in "cats" because you might think since I was talking about cocks, I might bring cats into it. And by "cocks," I meant "roosters"!

I'm confused. You know what? Let's move on!

Is this one of those activity books where I'm supposed to draw in the naughty bits?

I think I got most of that right.

I might have gotten the crotch of the woman wrong because I was assuming women have hair there but then I saw this year's cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue and now I'm not so sure.

Hell, I'm not sure there's any room left down there for anything! Are female mannequins actually anatomically correct? What does the pee come out of?!

I'd like to point out that the above picture is not, technically, pornography. It's right there on the cover of Sports Illustrated for everybody to see. So, ladies, the next time you're in a checkout line in the grocery store with this magazine on the rack and at least one man in the same line as you, realize that you are in the presence of a semi-erect penis.

Batgirl's secret origin begins with her in one of those medical tubes that scans your body. I don't have time to ask Lord Google what it's called! You know what I'm talking about! It's got magnetic in the name so I know Babs isn't wearing a bra in the following scene where she and her father are talking to the doctor. I guess Jim's glasses are all plastic.

Babs is being scanned to check out the damage to her spine so this is a few years earlier. I hope it's not too many years earlier since she's only just turned twenty-one and now I'm feeling weird about having painted six nipples onto her underage body!

Aha. So this must be the explanation as to how her mind was able to be scanned and copied and turned into some A.I. nemesis!

Barbara meets Frankie in the hospital, so they've known each other for some time now. I was under the assumption that she just found the apartment on gotham.craigslist.org.

Barbara remembers that story from Batgirl #0 where she donned some police kevlar made up to look like a Batman suit to save her soon-to-be-a-serial-killer brother from some thugs raiding the Gotham Police Department. And then she beat the crap out of this huge guy, after which Batman walked in and caught her making muscles and yelling, "Who just got owned, bitch?!" So that's how she got the idea to become Batgirl. I totally forgot about that origin!

Pretty soon the Narrator, who claimed to be Batgirl even though it's been in computerized font, begins to see images from Gail Simone's run of Batgirl and Duane Swierczynski's run of Birds of Prey which it doesn't recognize.

This isn't Batgirl's origin at all! It's the origin of Batgirl's thesis!

Batgirl Secret Origin Rating: +2 Ranking. This was pretty clever. We've already had Batgirl's origin (even if I'd forgotten it! That was like two and a half years ago!) but this was a cute way to remind everybody of it while also delving into other parts of her life that have been left pretty vague. It's also a nice look at her time as New 52 "Oracle." While that character never really existed, we get Barbara writing a computer program that uses her abilities to ferret out crime. Sounds an awful lot like Oracle to me. But now her criminology thesis has gone AWOL, become sentient, and has decided to take her down because she's an imposter. It's even been calling her boyfriend and engaging in art projects! After Batgirl defeats it, will she imprison it in a computer in Belle Reve where it will eventually work with the Suicide Squad?

Firestorm
Oh boy! A Firestorm romance story! It's been too long since I've read about Ronnie and Jason's boners for each other. I bet this origin story will be about how Jason developed a crush on the high school quarterback, Ronnie Raymond. But Ronnie knew, high school being a hive of scum and villainy, the other guys would give him the business if they knew he was gay. So he had to pretend not to like Jason. He pretended so hard that he even believed it was true that he didn't like Jason. This caused a lot of conflict and missed connections. But then they did it and boom! Firestorm! But Ronnie still pretends that they don't do it. He only rubs pee-pees with Jason for justice, not for sexy good time feelings.

Well, not exactly!

Poor Tonya. All that delicious man-meat around her and none of it trying to find its way between her legs or into her mouth. You can tell she's sexually frustrated from the YouTube video she's making. "Blow you." "Two dudes." "Always had a chance." "Plenty of notice." Tonya needs it bad!

"Yeah, mom. That dog's dick was delicious!"

"I'd give my left arm if I could watch it all the time!"

Well, not exactly!

Tonya is trying to paint this picture of two guys that were complete opposites because everybody knows how opposites attract! And how they complete each other! And how they do anal!

Eventually, Ronnie and Jason each turned into a different version of Firestorm. They were complete opposites! One was red and yellow while the other was yellow and red! One had the insignia on his right side and the other on his left side! It was so adorable. You could just tell at that moment they were created that they had been made for each other!

Tonya describes their triumphs and travails as they battled people like Pozhar and Multiplex to eventually catch the eye of the Justice League. She's making the recording for posterity. Or for a super villain to find and exploit! That reason for the video would be more exciting. But mostly, she's making it for her friends.

Aw! These two!

Firestorm Origin Story Rating: +1 Ranking. This origin story could have been a little bit better if we'd learned more about Ronnie's racist mother or how Jason's father regained his left arm! I guess those will just have to remain intriguing mysteries to be delved into when Firestorm eventually gets his own series again.

Poison Ivy
Preboot Poison Ivy's origin story had something to do with having sex with a college professor who then broke her heart and deserved to be fed to a gigantic Venus Fly Trap. Or something. I spent too much time on the other two origins so I'm running out of steam here! That was the best I could do.

Oh! But I do remember that in The New 52, her mother was abused by her father so she killed him and buried him in the garden. She also may have been abused.

This issue seems to be a Christy Marx anti-fan fiction about Monsanto.

Go get 'em, Pam!

This is one of the reasons we know our legal system is corrupt and functions best for those who have the money to keep the gears greased: Monsanto has been able to sue small farmers for theft when their soybean crops have been corrupted by Monsanto's genetically engineered crops. For the life of me, I've never understood how that lawsuit isn't the reverse. How do the farmers not have a case against Monsanto for ruining their crops? The small farmers don't want Monsanto's bullshit crops. And especially if it's an organic farm! Their entire company is ruined if they're tainted by genetically modified soybeans! How is that not a suit against Monsanto for damage done to their business and reputation? Logically, it drives me nuts. But I already answered those questions previously with that whole thing about money driving the legal system. If you have enough, you can sue for any fucking thing in the world, even if you know you won't win. If you've got enough, you just keep dragging your feet until your opponent's lawyer's fees drive them out of the case. America! Fuck yeah!

Poison Ivy makes her way to the CEO of Descanto where she kisses him which, as we all know, now means he's under her control. She asks him to drop the lawsuit and pay the organic farmer reparations. Now that's what should be happening! Then she tells him her origin story because why not? Well, I know why not! If she doesn't then she's blemishing the title of this comic book!

Okay, so I can't remember shit very well.

Poison Ivy goes on to get a doctorate in Sexy Mind Control which leads to a job at Wayne Enterprises. Just her luck, the CEO of that company is the only person in Gotham immune to Sexy Mind Control! So she loses that job and is covered in her secret serum sauce as security manhandles her out of the building. Then she began fucking a sexy clown and running around with a group called The Birds of Prey even though Poison Ivy isn't any kind of bird that I've ever heard of. I mean, bats aren't birds either but at least that's closer. And I guess Katanas are something totally different as well. I guess the group was just named that because the members were birds (you know, girls! Chicks! Females even!) and/or had bird themes (like Condom! I mean Condor!).

The only problem with this story is that it's fiction. Where's our real life Poison Ivy to stick it to Monsanto?!

Poison Ivy Secret Origin Rating: +1 Ranking. Most of this was already covered in Poison Ivy #1 but it was informative in other ways that made it worth reading! Christy Marx hits all the good points about what makes genetically modified crops, and the business surrounding them, bad ideas for humans and the world. I'm not staunchly against genetically modified organisms! But I'm definitely against irresponsibility when it comes to creating and using them. Creating seeds that can sprout but cannot create new seeds which can sprout themselves, and then putting these seeds out into the world where they can cross-pollinate with other plants resulting in more infertile and dead end plants is simply insane. But perhaps genetically modified crops can be used to correct some of the mono-culture mistakes we've made in the past. Perhaps. It's also possible that creating new crops of species that used to have many varied types but were farmed by us into one plant could be like introducing foxes into Australia to cure the rabbit problem. Now I think we really need a Poison Ivy to fix our world!

Secret Origins #9

Swamp Thing
The Swamp Thing was created when a drunk frat guy pissed on and then vomited into the Greek House's mascot, a four foot tall Chia Pet lovingly referred to as Hervé Villechaize. The Chia Pet was posted outside the room the frat brothers had dubbed "Fantasy Island." Most of the fantasies that took place in the room were unsatisfying, hazy, and most likely criminal. The morning after the Chia Pet had come to life, neighbors complained of an unbearable stench coming from the house. When none of the members of the frat could be reached, a Hazmat team kicked down the front door to investigate. What they found were the half-decayed bodies of every member of the frat, their bodies propped up against walls and furniture with one arm raised to the sky, the index finger extending from the otherwise closed fist. Across the back wall, smeared in blood and faces, was the phrase, "The Plane."

I'm pretty sure that's how Swamp Thing was first introduced in House of Mystery #171 House of Secrets #92!

The account of how Alec Holland became the Swamp Thing is being written by Gaurev the Sureen based on interviews he conducted with Brother Jonah, The Wolf, and Lady Weeds. So I don't think his account is going to be any more trustworthy than my account!

The beginning of the story won't surprise anybody. Alec Holland was the shining star and number one draft pick for the job of Avatar of the Green which meant The Rot needed to kill him before he posed a threat to their power. This ended in the iconic image of Alec Holland stumbling out of his house, on fire, and face planting into the swamp.

Is that iconic? Maybe I just mean familiar!

After he died, some other Swamp Thing only pretending to be Alec Holland bumbled around during the years before Flashpoint. But then Alec Holland was brought back to life by a White Ring and the Swamp Thing realized he was nothing but a husk pretending to be an avatar and it went off to live on Mars. The Parliament of Trees pursued Alec until he was finally forced to take on the role and become the greatest Swamp Thing that ever existed (if you discount Alan Moore's Swamp Thing who might not actually have been as talented (the Thing! Not the Moore!) but fuck did it leave an impact on the comic book world).

Gaurav ends his biography with some overly emotional pap and that's that. The Swamp Thing's secret origin! That wasn't much of a secret at all, really.

Swamp Thing Secret Origin Rating: No change. This was less of a synopsis and more of a finally! Wait, I think I got that wrong. It was simply exactly what you would have expected. Look in the swamp! It's a plant! It's a compost heap! It's a monster! No, wait! It's a human! Applause.

Power Girl
I'm just guessing that this is Power Girl's origin since it's written by Paul Levitz and it begins with Superman finding a crashed ship with a flying blonde toddler in it! She doesn't have her boob window yet but then she doesn't have boobs either, so I guess it would be useless. This is normally where I try to remember everything I know about the character's secret origin but fuck if I know anything about Power Girl's Preboot origin! I never really did follow the Earth-2 kids. Or were they Earth-1 back then? It's all so confusing!

Clark brings the little girl back to his parents' farmhouse to say, "What the fuck do we do with this?!"

And then she kicked a hole straight through Ma Kent's belly.

Kara eventually gets old enough to move to the big city to live with Clark and Lois. Superman heads to the farm to pick her up, they say their goodbyes to the Kents, and then they fly away, Kara still in her civvies. Haven't any of these people ever heard of binoculars?! They really don't give a shit about secret identities, do they? I suppose Superman's whole "glasses are a good enough disguise" attitude says exactly how much he cares about secret identities. Put a little effort into it, why dontcha?

Oh, also, they don't go to the big city. They go to the deserted island because Clark is a controlling asshat.

"Honey, try to see it from my point of view. I don't need a daughter or a sister. But just remember: I love you, weapon."

Eventually Lois was killed and then Catwoman was killed and then Supergirl found her best friend, Robin. Then the world nearly blew up and Superman and Batman died saving it and Supergirl and Robin found themselves trapped in a raging river in their inflatable raft only to head over a cliff and through a portal into another land.

There they met a furry little guy named Chaka and a whole series of pylons which hid altars filled with gemstones. One of the most powerful was in a cave filled with Sleestak, terrifying lizard-like men with huge claws and big black eyes. Eventually, after lots and lots of experiments and some close calls getting home, they did figure out how to open a portal and head back to Earth-2 to see their world burn.

But before Power Girl left, she gave some of her powers and all of her money to Tanya Spears.

Power Girl Secret Origin Rating: No change. Come on, Secret Origins! Tell me some stuff that hasn't been mostly explained in the issues since The New 52 began! The new stuff about Kara being just a kid at the farm was cute but it just wasn't enough to change the ranking. Now if only they had finally included that Helena/Karen shower scene we've all been clamoring for!

John Stewart, Green Lantern
I don't remember if I ever read the Preboot story about how John Stewart was picked to be a Green Lantern. And I'm not even sure if it's been covered since The New 52 began. So maybe I'm finally going to learn some super exciting stuff that I've never known before! Finding things that I don't already know is super difficult because I know just about everything. It can get pretty boring going through life with an IQ of 28. You never miss nothin'! Or something.

Oh boy! It's another "Earth is super fucking special" story!

I'd better be nice while commenting on this story because it's probably been written by my very best almost Facebook friend in all of the world, Van Jensen. What kind of a name is Van? That sounds like a girl's name!

Oh boy! It's another "Stewart kills his friends when he must kill his friends" story!

The Guardians watching him like that he's able to yell at authority figures and design buildings. He's a lot like one of their favorite earthlings ever, Mike Brady.

John gets a job working for Ferris Air. What a coincidence! That's where lots and lots of Lantern activity takes place! What is Guy Gardner's connection to Ferris Air? Did he pass out in every pilot's bar in the area?

The Guardians crash a Manhunter into one of the runways and it begins strutting around saying, "Where is Green Lantern? Where is the one you call the Lantern Green? Where is the being that is Green and carries a Lantern? Kill all men!"

Oh yeah! I totally forgot they say that all of the time!

The Lantern Ring flies down and says, "John Stewart of Earth. You have the ability to kill your best friends. Welcome to the Green Lantern Corps!" And John Stewart is all, "Now we're talking, baby!" John learns that anything he imagines, the ring creates. Luckily the first thing he imagines is a machine gun. If I had been chosen, Carol Ferris's clothes would have instantly flown off in all directions. And I would have been all "Whoops!" because I didn't know it would do that! And Carol would be all, "You knew it would do that!" And I would be all, "What? No way!" And she would have been, "We'll talk about this later in the motel room where you can take my clothes off in private!" And I would be all, "Carol is my centerfold!" And she'd be all, "Piss on the wall!" And I'd be all, "Do you remember when?" And she'd be all, "Angel in Green!" And I'd be all, "Manhunter's stink! Yeah yeah!"

John defeats the Manhunter because "no man" escapes the Manhunters and John isn't a man at all. He's an architect! Then the ring flies him to Oa to be called a Poozer.

See? I should man a psychic hotline. But people can only ask questions that any comic book lover can answer. I'd be awesome!

John Stewart Secret Origin Rating: No change. John didn't even kill any of his best friends! What a let down!

Secret Origins #8

Featuring Dick's greatest mid-air poses!

Grayson
We were already told Dick Grayson's Secret Robin Origin. How much more do we need to learn? Are they just going to recap Forever Evil? Will we get to see how Batman coerced Dick into leaving behind everybody he loved to pretend that he was dead and join the amoral organization known as Spyral? All to simply protect Batman's secret identity?

And now after two and a half hours of Comcast Xfinity Gateway bullshit funtime wrist slashing party entertainment, I'm not in any mood to read my comic book! And yet I have to clear the stack because DC Comics has ignored all of my pleas to lighten the schedule and release fewer books per month. In fact, they've increased their book count! It's as if they have no respect for me! No! It's like they have anti-respect for me! What is that? Disrespect? Animosity? That feeling that makes people in video games do that thing after they kill another player where they squat up and down on their face?

DC, if you do not reduce the number of books you publish per month, I will no longer publicly enjoy any of your product! I'm going to remember, as I read each comic book, how I feel every time I hear or read or think the word "Comcast." Hell, even the individual letters in the name are beginning to piss me off! Is it possible to write a review without any "O"s or "A"s?

So this asshole named Dick Grayson was just this guy, you know? And then he had a secret origin! And everybody was aghast! Or thrilled. There was much rejoicing! Or complaining.

Thanks for the unasked for English lesson, you condescending twat. Hey! Did you know "twat" has two definitions?!

Granted, Helena was talking to an irascible, possibly petulant, teenaged student of Saint Hadrian's Finishing School. She also could have been a different adjective than the two I used since she really didn't say much. It's also probable she may have been an employee of the school instead of a student since her clothing didn't look like a school uniform. She also could have been a male instead of a female because I never saw her face.

Matron Bertinelli enters into the Eye of the Spiderweb. That's just a cool way of saying Spyral. As she travels through Spyral's Black Lodge inspired halls, a voice constantly reminds her where she's at. It's all very silly and whimsical so that we get the sense that Mr. Minos has a good sense of humor. That's why I couldn't call Spyral an evil organization earlier. They're just an amoral bunch of pranksters trying to have a good time while maybe making a bit of money, growing in power, and quenching their thirst for world domination. See? They're not all bad.

I bet if you walk through the halls of Comcast, it would sound like entering System Shock. "Look at you, customer. A pathetic creature of meat and bone. Panting and screaming as you run down my corridors. How can you challenge a perfect, immortal monopoly?" One time I called up Comcast Customer Service to troubleshoot a problem on my router and a harsh, computerized female voice said, "Your flesh is an insult to the perfection of the digital." Then they hung up and I not only still had router problems but cancer as well. Comcast is the worst!

Helena Bertinelli nominated Dick Grayson to be her new partner after the loss of Agent 25. That was probably her old partner! Her reasons for nominating him are that he's a super hero, he worked with Batman, he has no other familial contacts, and he has a superb, tight, supremely fit, unblemished twenty-one year old ass.

And now we know why Barbara never stood a chance! Let this be a lesson to all you young girls reading this: when you have a crush on a guy, put out immediately or you'll lose him!

That was an interesting page! The Teen Titans did exist before The New 52 Teen Titans existed! They just never came up with a stupid name for their occasional team-ups! Well, Arsenal probably did. Constantly. "We should call ourselves 'The Sex Busters!' No wait, that sounds like we stop sex. How about the 'Youthful Youngsters'? No wait, that's dumber than a sidekick named 'Speedy.' Hey, Dick? You know what that fancy blue and yellow costume needs? A huge fucking collar!"

Helena mentions some other things that would make Dick Grayson a suitable replacement for Agent 25 (who was, admittedly, pretty fucking cool himself! He must have been! His Agent number reads the same upside down as downside up!), like how everybody thinks he's dead and how he isn't dead at all, actually. But Mister Minos has other ideas! Mean ideas! Horrible murdery ideas!

So Dick was present for the entire, um, presentation? So he knows Spyral knows Batman is Bruce Wayne! Mission accomplished? I think?

Without hesitation, Helena puts a crossbow bolt in Dick's forehead. Because surprise! It wasn't really Dick! So mission no longer accomplished! See, it was a ruse! A misdirection! A speculative chicanery! Ha ha! Oh, Mister Spyral! You're a card! A cut-up! A comedian of caliber unmeasured! And because Helena did not hesitate to kill Dick Grayson, she's allowed to have Dick as her pet. Erm, partner!

Mister Spyral (I'll call him that if I want to call him that!) has a good sense of irony. Or something.

And then Dick accepts because Batman told him to accept! And it's happily ever after between Dick and Helena even though Helena doesn't have red hair.

Just give me a monthly title of Batman and Robin stories told from Dick's point of view! Remember when DC Comics was putting the "fun" back into Cofunmic books?! Maybe their slogan was just "We've Made Comics Fun Again." I like mine better.

Grayson Secret Origin Rating: +4 Ranking. I remember when I couldn't stand Dick Grayson. But that was way back when I only knew him in Marv Wolfman's Titans books. Then I missed out on all the comic books where Batman began treating him like an equal and Dick took the mantle of Batman and fucked around with Damian night after night. But because of The New 52, Dick Grayson has become one of my favorite characters. Possibly my favorite character. Maybe. He's kind of boring since he doesn't have super powers but that's his only flaw. And it is a flaw, no matter how many of you are currently shaking your heads and saying, "No! That's what makes him so great!" I won't argue against that! But no super powers? Boring! I might as well read super hero stories starring the guy that makes my burritos for me down at Pepinos!

Animal Man
Animal Man's secret origin was that time he was tricked by the Parliament of Limbs into thinking he was being abducted by aliens so that he'd accept his power better than if a cat just came up to him and said, "Yo, dude. You're like our Avatar and shit. Stop eating meat and start sharing pictures of Pit Bulls on Facebook that claim they're no more violent than other dogs and to think so means you're a racist scumbag." I bet this origin revises that origin because if there is one thing Animal Man has a history of, it's sniffing butts. Also, it's having his origin retconned.

For being the One and Only True Hero of The Red, and being the person that saved its very existence, The Totems didn't think much of him at first, did they?

I guess that's the way when you're The One True Hero. People look at you and think, "Gah! A lowly hobbit! Bullsacks!" Or, "Really? Fucking Ted Theodore Logan? Butt trauma!" Or, "A stubborn brat of a girl that can shoot a bow? Holocaust jokes!" Maybe one even goes, "A drunken Edward Scissorhands? I didn't really see all of those pirate movies so maybe not?!"

Buddy Baker was just a lowly stand-in for the real Avatar of the Red, Maxine Baker! But if you had a little kid in charge of the animal kingdom, you'd have a lot of weird stuff going on. Like she'd probably allow penguins to fly because they seemed so sad grounded on the Earth. But she'd forget to teach them not to dive into the water from a great height and they'd break all of their little bird bones trying to catch fish and then all the penguins would be dead in a matter of minutes. And she'd probably be upset that lions and tigers were eating other animals, so she'd give them lollipops and licorice to eat and they'd all die of malnutrition. So to prevent Maxine from accidentally ending all animal life on the planet, Buddy took the job.

And eventually, Buddy's position became permanent and Maxine was free from her obligation!

And that's the end of The Red's Horatio Alger story. I hope the slug is the next Animal Man!

Animal Man Secret Origin Rating: No change. This was just a retelling of the entire Animal Man series which I'd already read! So it was of little interest to me. It could have at least given me some new information, like how long Buddy Baker's penis is and if he occasionally likes to put it inside other animals.

Katana
Dammit! I was hoping to get this commentary finished within the next half hour so I could post it before watching Gotham and then heading off to work. But that was before I realized it was about Katana and that it was written by Ann Nocenti! I can't rush this! I have to give it my full concentration! I guess I'll pause here and get back to this after work. Don't worry! You won't notice any difference! In fact, you can continue immediately with the next paragraph!

I'm back! Wasn't that a painless wait? Well, now get ready for some painlessless writing! Do two "less"es make a "ful"?

I don't remember Katana's origin. Something about a sword that steals souls and her dead husband Maseo or something. I'm sure this origin will be much more exciting and I'll, if I'm lucky, remember it forever!

The first line of Ann Nocenti's first Narration Box is "The ghost towns of the Old West." Ooh! Guess what time it is, kids!

Special Old West edition!

"Hey kids! Have you ever heard of g-g-g-g-ghost towns?! Pretty spooky, right?! Well, don't be too scared! They aren't towns full of ghosts like you might imagine! They're actually towns that died (ooooh! scary!) because the railroad passed them by or sometimes the water just up and dried up on them (funny how that happens in desert landscapes, right kids?!). And sometimes they were Boom Towns striking it rich on the gold found in mines nearby only to become Bust Towns when the mother lode stopped bearing nuggets! Sometimes they just became lawless hellholes and everybody fled! There were many ways to become a ghost town in the Old West! And just imagine the names of these towns! What's that? Oh! You don't have too! Aunt Nocenti has a list for you! Places like Grinder Gulch and Gravebone Yard and Hopeless Junction and Buzzard's Bend! Pretty exciting times! Now all you good little children take my knowledge at face value and don't go fact checking it, okay! If there's one place you can trust the truth, it's at The Knowledge Fun Farm!"

Katana is currently leading a girl possessed by a demon down some train tracks. When are they going to play poker? This story was called "Full Deck". Maybe they're going to hit a party with most of the action taking place out back on the wooden structure attached to the house! It's almost certainly one of those two things. Unless, and this probably isn't even close to the mark, it has to do with somebody's sanity!

The demon is Mona Shard and she's currently in the body of a little girl (although the little girl isn't so little. Maybe Mona Shard made her look more adult so the tons of sex she was having wouldn't be so weird). Mona Shard thinks being in the body of a little girl makes her safe but Katana points out that the little girl isn't really worth saving. Because, as Katana says, "she's a bully. A novice in the art of sadism. A bad seed." I'm sure glad Katana says everything three times so that I'm sure to understand one of them!

Mona Shard is a whiny little bitch.

Katana gets tired of hearing Mona and the girl whose body she's in squabbling. So she says, "Two brats fighting over who's the bigger brat? Don't kids get to have childhoods anymore?" I wish Katana had said each of those sentences three ways because I don't understand what she's getting at! They're acting like children but they haven't had a childhood? Oh wait! I think it's profound! I only know that because I don't understand it, so it must be philosophy!

Katana tells Mona Shard her Secret Origin story about how she liked collectible card games. She also liked forcing brothers to compete for her affection. The only way to collect the weapon cards she was currently collecting was to wait for a visit from the Ghost Train full of Living Weapon Freaks! It was a super tough set to finish!

I'm sure this is some kind of metaphor for how the Soultaker Sword tore the Tatsu, Maseo, and Takeo apart since it's just a story being told by Katana. Because as a true story, it's fucking ridiculous!

Later, Tatsu gets some wise advice from an old man. I know it's wise because it's so stupid. Tatsu takes it all in and promises to eat more carrots. I think that's some kind of perverse old man innuendo.

After the story, the Ghost Train reappears! Katana stabs Mona Shard and the train at the same time and Mona Shard winds up on the Ghost Train. But she doesn't have a card? After that, Katana and the bully become best friends and go on to have many wild adventures in the old west. The end!

Katana Secret Origin Rating: +1 Ranking. I hated it so much that it was the best Ann Nocenti story in a long while! I bet it would make sense if I thought about it but who wants to ruin such a magical ghost trainwreck of a story! I wonder if she gave an interview with somebody where she explains the story she wanted to tell before fucking it all up in the script?

Secret Origins #6

Stop stabbing yourself!

Wonder Woman
I wonder which Wonder Woman origin story DC will have decided to use for their Ultra-Mega-Major-This-Is-The-Goddamned-Truth Secret Origin? Will she be the child of Zeus and Hippolyta? Will she be made from clay? Will she have appeared fully formed during a violent, slightly incestuous hug between Ares and Aphrodite? My money is on the Zeus/Hippolyta thing even though Zeus wasn't masquerading as a sexy termite or anything when the fucking happened. Mainly because DC doesn't want to hurt Azzarello's feelings when he's in control of their pet project, Futures End.

Or they could just go for the joke origin! Are we sure Keith Giffen and J.M. DeMatteis aren't behind this silliness?

While Diana spars with Aleka, she reveals a secret! It's not the secret that Aleka wanted to hear which would have ended with their underwear flying across the arena though. It's the one where Diana points out that she wants to leave the island because she's tired of everybody teasing her because she was made out of clay. "Ha ha! You didn't come out of a vagina!" they mocked constantly. I bet she winds up running away with a Jewish reindeer and a gay elf.

Diana teases Aleka until she's a sea of frothing madness down below by confiding a second secret as they lie exhausted in each other's arms on the beach.

"I can't wait to feel a cock inside of me!"

Actually, her second secret is the same as the first! She wants to leave the island! She's tired of being known as Princess Jugs (because she's made of clay! Not because of her bosom!) and just wants to go where nobody knows the story of her birth.

But unknown to everybody but Zeus and Hippolyta, Diana was not made from clay at all! Maybe. I mean, Hippolyta was barren. And she and Zeus fucked nearby the clay baby that Hippolyta had created, hoping to pray it to life. Perhaps Zeus pulled out and splashed his godly semen all over the sand, bringing the little clay baby to life? I can't know for sure because DC didn't publish the full sexual experience across eight titillating pages like they should have. Instead they kept it ambiguous. They probably would say they kept it decent but what's wrong with a little sex in comic books now and then?

Eww! So close to a little sex!

Athena visits Diana at night because Athena is a weird peeper that seems to be infatuated with Diana. Earlier while hiding in the jungle, she was diddling her owl genitals while watching Aleka and Diana nearly reach spargasm.

And then Steve Trevor crashes on the island, cock and all!

Oh yeah! Diana's gonna punch her ticket over and over again until he earns a free slice.

Wonder Woman Secret Origin Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm a sucker for this kind of pseudo-throwback art and writing style. Plus call me a filthy infidel blasphemer if you want (because, well, fuck it...I am!), but I actually like Diana's origin being that she was Zeus and Hippolyta's daughter and the story about her being formed from clay was made up to protect her from Hera.

Deadman
The only part of Deadman's origin that I'm familiar with is that he was assassinated while performing some trapeze stunt thereby ensuring that he'd spend his entire afterlife dressed in his ridiculous circus costume. Then he met a god and visited Nanda Parbat and, well, I guess he became a super hero for some reason. It actually seems like his story in DC Universe Presents #1-5 already presented his New 52 origin. I suppose this issue needs to add some stuff that will be important to his story later. Or it needs to retcon out a few plot points from the earlier story that the editors didn't want Boston saddled with. Hopefully it has something interesting to say that wasn't in the DC Universe Presents story or else I'm going to be asking DC Comics for a partial refund of this issue.

Boston leaves home where his parents constantly beat each other. Boston joins the circus where he becomes a sensational aerial acrobat that goes by the name Deadman. Boston gets shot and falls to his death. All pretty standard stuff so far!

Yeah, yeah. I read all that already! I smell a refund in my future!

Boston meets some chump named Brahma Dass that knows cosmic things about wheels and cycles and motorbikes. He also introduces Deadman to Nanda Parbat where they don't do anything at all. Then Boston forgives his parents and goes back to palling around with the Justice League Dark. The end! Or is it?! No, no. The end.

Deadman's Secret Origin Rating: No change. I believe the only thing that was added here was that Boston was angry at his parents but he learned to forgive them. That's like the most important lesson anybody believes they can teach anybody else that won't forgive. But they're wrong. Forgetting is the only part of "forgive and forget" that matters! Because if you're so angry at somebody that you can't properly live your own life, you don't need to forgive them to move on. You just need a large enough knock to the head to forget about them and then you'll be cool.

Sinestro
With all the retconning that's happened with Green Lantern and the various characters that surround him, I doubt I have any chance at actually guessing what Sinestro's origin is going to be. He was probably an arrogant Green Lantern that was kicked out of the Corps for being smug about being right all of the time. Then he stumbled upon Qward where he had some guy build Yellow Rings because the most powerful weapon in the universe couldn't handle the color yellow. Later we learned this was because Parallax was chilling hardcore in the Green Lantern battery. But before that was discovered and the yellow flaw was removed from the Green Lantern rings, Sinestro did not manage to kill every Green Lantern for some reason. How do you fuck up that badly? How do you have a weapon that can't be stopped by a bunch of assholes who rely on their weapons to do everything for them and you can't murder them all? Anyway, Sinestro eventually became friends with Hal Jordan although they were still enemies but more like friends that hated each other or enemies that secretly loved each other or something as equally silly as any of those. And now he has his own comic book that manages to bore the fuck out of me every month! Hooray!

Sinestro used to be my favorite villain on Challenge of the Superfriends. It takes a real lackluster comic book to make me now not care about him. Way to go, Cullen Bunn! I suppose that's some kind of achievement.

Sinestro gains his ring in much the same way Hal Jordan did. Apparently back in the day, Green Lanterns flew in space ships instead of in bubble wrap, and they weren't particularly good at steering those spaceships. I suppose when your ring has that cruel yellow flaw, you can't fly around in space with just the ring to protect you because as soon as you fly through some yellow dust traveling at the speed of light, you're toast.

Hmm. If the life support of the ring could sustain this duffel bag head, could it not have also sustained Abin Sur? I think Hal Jordan hasn't been totally honest about his origin.

Sinestro and Hal become Fremeses. Sinestro gets his yellow ring on the anti-matter planet of Qward. Sinestro builds an army. Sinestro tastes the rainbow. And then he does the most heroic thing anybody has done! He does the one thing that promises to save the universe from dozens of Cosmic Crises! He kills the Guardians of the Universe! And for some reason, nobody celebrates. Weren't they paying attention? Those Guardians were dangerous monsters! Anyway, after that, he reformed his Sinestro Corps and began looking for Korugarian survivors scattered across the universe. Also he played with Legos.

Sinestro's Origin Story Ranking: No change. Since these Secret Origin stories keep recounting what's happened to each character since The New 52 began (and, in the case of Green Lantern characters, before that since they kind of mostly ignored the Reboot), I think maybe I should stop reading it. Or, better yet, I'll stop reading everything except Secret Origins! And then Secret Origins will give me the synopsis of all the other comics I've stopped reading. I'll save a fortune!

Secret Origins #5

Crap. Why is DC allowing Scott Lobdell to write so many origin stories?

I don't actually know if Scott Lobdell is writing the Red Hood origin story but he's written every other origin of the characters he's been kind of given charge of since The New 52 began. I wonder if I can send those pages back to DC for a partial discount?

Cyborg
Here's what I remember about Cyborg's origin from the Preboot era: he caught the winning touchdown at a local high school football game but the football was unstable and blew up in his face. He was rushed to STAR Labs where the doctor said, "I can't work on this man! He's my son!" And everybody went, "But his dad was killed in the accident too! How can he be your son?!" And then the doctor went, "Because I'm his mom, you sexist assholes! Why is that 'Mind Teaser' so fucking hard for people to figure out?! What is wrong with everybody?!"

Actually, Cyborg's life was saved by his dad who worked for STAR Labs. I can't remember how he got all fucked up in the Preboot era. It's been a long time since I read those stories! In the Reboot, he got all fucked up in some kind of Apokoliptian Boom Tube catastrophe. I think. Anyway, it should all be explained soon.

Oh, Marv Wolfman is writing this? Then I suspect Victor Stone was raped by a Parademon and then by a Hunger Dog and then by a Female Fury and then by a Mother Box. All that was left of him after that was scraped into a titanium shell and plugged into a wall socket.

The story begins with Victor and his dad discussing ways to do something technical and uninteresting.

Why would you think about the thermal imaging when it's going to be twice as long to get the results?! Half as fast is slower than what you're currently doing! Now if you got them "in half the time" or "twice as fast" then maybe you should consider it.

I should apologize. What they are discussing is so boring that I'm not really paying attention. Maybe the goal is to get results slower. Scientists! Who can tell what they really want besides the downfall of civilization and the death of God.

Victor reminisces about the good old days when he had a penis and groupies to use his penis on. But his father did not like all of Victor's extracurricular penis activities. He wanted Victor to use his brain! What a boring old man!

"But I want to use my peeeeenis!"

Some time later, Victor gets blasted by a Boom Tube while in his father's lab. I'm sure his dad had nothing to do with it even though it looked like it was aimed directly at his penis. Victor was nearly killed! Luckily, the DC Universe is full of nanites and Doctor Stone happened to have access to the super popular Promethium Nanites! He would rebuild his son and he'd rebuild him in such a way that he'd have to use his brain because he would no longer have a penis. He would have a disk drive instead of a sex drive!

Cyborg Secret Origin Rating: No change. I suppose we're supposed to learn that Victor's dad loved him or something. Also, Victor is driven to do what he does so that he can prove his father wrong about penises. They aren't inherently bad! It's all in the way you use them and/or Marv Wolfman writes about them.

Red Hood
I never read the return of Jason Todd. I also don't really remembering reading many Jason Todd stories back before he was killed off. And I guess how he became Robin originally doesn't matter at all because Scott Lobdell is going to tell the tale and it's going to be complete ass. Previously, Lobdell's origin of Red Hood had The Joker manipulating Jason Todd's entire life so that he would be picked to become Robin by Batman. But The Joker was telling the story, so it must have all been bullshit. How else could the editors allow such a story to become canon? Especially when the story only made sense if The Joker knew that Batman was Bruce Wayne. And DC has been trying to keep that as ambiguous as possible. Although every Death of the Family tie-in issue that Lobdell wrote, he fucked it up and wrote things that could only be possible if The Joker knew the secret identities of the Bat-Family members. I always got the feeling that editors didn't give a shit what Lobdell wrote simply because he made deadlines and made their jobs easier. And then Scott Lobdell admitted that the only way he broke into comics was because he figured out ways to make the editor's job easier.

This story is only about eight pages long but it contains five thousand Narration Boxes, so it might take me a few hours to read. It's practically a book! Does Scott Lobdell know what comic books are? He does know that they rely on pictures and, as a comic book writer, you're supposed to let the pictures do the heavy lifting, right?

This is the kid Batman chooses as his partner? A boy that can't even answer a yes/no question correctly?

Bruce and Alfred ask Jason to be Robin because, oh, who the fuck knows. Because he was an orphan and a criminal? Because he was completely and utterly trustworthy enough to know Batman's secret identity? Because he was good at jumping fences? The story doesn't exactly explain what Batman saw in Jason Todd except for the orphan stuff. Maybe it was because Dr. Thompkins asked Bruce to take in the kid because he was really pissing her off. Anyway, this isn't a Robin Secret Origin! It's a Red Hood Secret Origin! Let's get to the crowbar already!

Ah! There we go! Maybe I should stop reading here and leave him dead? Will that cause my Red Hood comic books to disappear?

If Jason Todd's mom died in his arms, why did he go to the Middle East to save her? He should have more confidence in his ability to determine if somebody is dead or not. Also, what happened to his mom's child, his little sibling? Hunh? Answer that! I think Joker Jr. is out there somewhere waiting to be written better than The Joker's Daughter.

Later he crawls from a grave then he takes a dip in a Lazarus Pit then he meets Ducra then he wrestles Essence then he acts like an asshole then oh who fucking cares. Fuck you, Scott Lobdell.

Red Hood Origin Story Rating: -3 Ranking. This story is really just a fucking list of moments in Jason Todd's "life." Snapshots, I guess you'd say if you were trying to point out how the story was decently written. But then you'd have to live with the shame of lying to yourself. Scott Lobdell may know how to fill pages but he certainly doesn't know how to tell a story.

Mera
Mera's secret origin has to do with being a costumed performer on skis with some water world park in Florida, I think. Or she was the Queen of some offshoot of the Atlanteans. I think she met Aquaman one day as Aquaman stopped some corporate assholes from drilling off the coast by throwing fruit pies at them. He gave her one and she fell in love.

Mera was given the job of assassinating the King of Atlantis for banishing and imprisoning her people of Xebel. Instead she falls in love with him. Could you mess up a job more fully than that?!

Hells yes she's more impressive.

Once Mera gets out of Xebel, she listens to a seashell with a message from her mother. Her mother clarifies her mission. It isn't to kill the king of Atlantis at all! It's to fall in love! So she did get her mission right!

Actually, her real mission is just to get her ass away from Xebel's patriarchal bullshit and become her own woman. The message doesn't say anything about getting involved with a man that isn't fit to cut her toenails but she does that as well.

Mera Secret Origin Rating: No change. The most surprising part of this secret origin was Aquaman's sideburns.