Loser Army #6

This must be a Masters of the Universe crossover. Skeletor and Hordak team-up to force the Green Lanterns to disco for eternity.

I recently read some good news that this comic book has been cancelled! Is this the last issue? I hope this is the last issue. Please let this be the last issue!

This issue does not begin in a military flashback. It's possible the military flashback will come a few pages later. If not, how am I going to understand the theme? I need to know what choices John Stewart made in his past that caused him to be such a great leader! Of course all of his past choices were correct because he was in the United States Marines and those guys are all heroes doing heroic things and saving my freedom! Without them, I couldn't point out how they're not paying the cost of my freedom at all! Which actually means I can say that with or without them since a democracy's freedom isn't maintained by the military. Especially the freedom of a country that is as geographically isolated as the United States of America. If they were really fighting to keep me free, they'd just be battling Mexicans and Canadians. And if that were the case, I still wouldn't claim they were keeping me free because I'm fairly certain I could stand my ground against a bunch of Canadians and Mexicans. Okay, maybe not Mexicans. They work better together as a team and can fit way more soldiers in a car than we can.

This issue does begin with John Stewart continuing to believe that Relic's universe really did have a Peak Emotion problem which was causing the universe to die. During the speech, Simon Baz finally gets to make his first appearance since I don't know when. One of the final issues of Red Lanterns?

Pshaw! All universes are fated to die! Stop trying to manufacture drama!

I probably shouldn't ask a writer to stop manufacturing drama since that's like the writer's number one job! Sometimes they're supposed to manufacture comedy as well but that usually just comes across as manufacturing a waste of the reader's time.

John Stewart and his team have arrived on Mogo where the rest of the Green Lantern Corps are busy trying to protect the central battery from Light Pirates of every color. It's almost as if I've read this story before!

That's a lie. I've never read any of the Green Lantern Rainbow Wars stories by Geoff Johns because I just never read it and not because I had some philosophical reason for hating the idea that emotions ruled the universe even though every time any alien deals with Earthlings, they always comment on how the strength of the human race lies in their stupid fucking emotions. I guess the entire universe runs on emotions and all of the alien races are lying jerks who try to hide their constant streams of tears. Although if this whole Peak Emotion thing is actually true and using up too many emotions will eventually bring the universe to a premature end, then I absolutely understand why all the aliens everywhere would hate us. Maybe if we used logic for logic's sake, we could advance to the level of a Type 1 Civilization! Instead we mostly use logic to justify what we've already decided due to our emotional investment in something. We're just a bunch of space babies.

Simon Baz says to John Stewart, "It's about time you showed up." I hate everybody in Cullen Bunn's comic book. No effort is ever good enough for anybody. B'dg saves the day by bringing some rings and John says, "I was hoping for more rings!" B'dg saves Arisia's ass and she says, "Want to impress me? Get more rings!" And now John Stewart arrives to reinforce the Lanterns on Mogo and Baz is all, "Took your time, asshole!" I remember how Simon Baz as the thoughtful and caring Lantern who tried to get everybody to stop calling B'dg a squirrel and respectfully call him a Lantern like he deserves. But I guess now he's just a gun-wielding jerk trying pee further than everybody else.

John has already decided that everybody in the battle is a loser because the name of this comic book is Loser Army. It doesn't matter who wins because they're all using up so much energy that the universe is just rapidly being depleted of emotion. If only the Lanterns could find some kind of hope in this battle!

Why is an alien whose whole being based around math speaking in binary?! Binary is not math! It's not even really a language! It's, like, a way of counting! I hope whoever writes 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 next does a better job of it! Although she looks much cuter in blue.

The Emotional Pyramids change the emotional spectrum of anybody who comes in contact with one. It's not that big a deal until the pyramids all decide to land on Mogo at the same time. I don't think Mogo is strong enough to become a White Lantern!

Mogo doesn't become a White Lantern but he is able to control the entire emotional spectrum and drive away the Light Pirates. The Green Lanterns have won which gives John Stewart a chance to have the flashback he forgot to begin the issue with!

Thanking people in uniform has become more of an obligation which must be seen to lest you look like a right fucking bastard.

Hopefully John got a hotel room because he can't face anybody he knows right now since being in the military is a whole fucking lot more complicated than "I'm joining to protect freedom and be a hero!" I wouldn't be surprised if a huge aspect of PTSD was the conflict between what's in a returning veteran's head about what they've done and why they've done it and the way everybody views them as untarnished heroes protecting the American way of life.

With the Battle for Mogo at an end, Salaak turns his attention to discovering a way out of the universe. And now that nobody is attacking them and Mogo has super Kyle Rayner powers, Salaak easily locates a rift back to their universe in the Source Wall. But it's closed from the other side by Hal Jordan just as they prepare to enter it. Well shucks! Now they're going to have to stick around in a universe that matters less than the Earth-2 universe.

Finally, Krona decides to work with Relic to try and save Relic's universe. I guess if that happens, the DC Youniverse is kind of screwed, right? But none of that matters until January because Loser Army #6 is the final issue of this craptastrophe.

Lost Army #6 Rating: No change. Six issues later and I have no idea why this comic book was published. Did Relic's Light Pirate Universe need to be fleshed out and explored? Have the Green Lantern Corps expended all of the cosmic catastrophes possible within their own universe so they had to be sent to an earlier universe where they basically fought another rainbow war? Was the entire pitch of this book simply "The Green Lanterns find themselves in a strange place without explanation. The big surprise? They're in Relic's universe!" The response to this pitch should have been "So what's the story? Why does the story need to be told?" instead of the response I assume was given which was "*PANTS CRAPPED IN*". Ultimately, I would guess it's an attempt to fix the different color Lantern Corps so that they're not constantly battling. If all the different colors were composed of members of the original Green Lantern Corps then they would all work together. But if they ever return to their usual universe, they'll still have to deal with the other Lanterns because Twat Lobo failed to kill them all like a big failure. Maybe The Code told him to fail?

Lost Army #2

I find I waste a lot of time on the internet when I have a Cullen Bunn comic book ready to go.

This issue begins with a flashback to John Stewart invading a foreign nation as a Marine. When did John's military history become all there was to him? I get the feeling Cullen Bunn isn't actually interested in writing stories about John Stewart. He just wants to frame each story from the point of view of a military veteran. Last issue was all about making an excuse for solving problems with violence. It didn't really make a lot of sense because Stewart's story about how aggression saved his life was actually a story about Stewart killing people trying to kill him for invading their homeland. It kind of makes the opposite point about aggression that Stewart was trying to make since the aggressors who had a right to be aggressive against the intruders were actually killed by the intruder. But I guess if you're an American, the story is a brilliant portrayal of a national hero!

Pshaw! You know who the real hero is here? I've said it before and I'll say it again until everybody agrees with me: the true hero is me! Because I'm the one reading all of Cullen Bunn's awful DC Superhero work!

John's memory is about an abandoned town that didn't want to risk the aggressiveness of the marines moving through it so they left everything they knew so they could survive. The reason he has this memory is so that he can reply to Arisia's statement about the Rage Pyarmid being abandoned with the revelation that the pyramid seems more like a kill zone. And he says it just in time to be attacked by the Real Rage Lanterns! Hopefully that extra second due to his insight will allow the Lanterns to survive the ambush.

Sorry! They're not lanterns! They're Light Pirates!

The Light Pirates create crystalline constructs with their light. For some reason. I mean, what's the difference between a hard light construct and a crystal construct? Is it just that the crystal constructs never dissipate? Does that mean the energy can be recycled later? Maybe the Green Lanterns aren't as green as they thought, eh? Eh? No?

The Light Pirates refer to the Green Lantern's power as "Resolve" while their power comes from "Fury." What is this? Some new Tangent Universe? "Hope" will probably become "Faith." And "Fear" will probably become "Terror." And "Compassion" will probably become "Spooning." And "Greed" will probably become "Trickle Down." And "Love" will probably become "Obsession."

While I was busy making up stupid synonyms for the Lantern's power sources, John Stewart was encased in red crystal. At the expense of his ring's charge, he's able to break out of the crystal. But he still has a 5% charge which is just as good as a 100% charge, just closer to being expended. But I guess at 5% power, Stewart loses the ability to do anything with it or risk losing all the power completely. It's also just an excuse to make him weak and vulnerable.

Which Red Lanterns is Guy talking about?! I think they'd all kick a man when he's down! It's kind of what they do!

After Guy saves John, Guy is all, "Hey! Hey! *snicker* Remember when you called me the Christmas Lantern? Remember that?! You should remember because I have a funny retort that will only make sense if you remember it! Do you?" And John, possibly taking his last breath with his ring's power running out says, "Y-yeah." And Guy says, "Because...hee hee hee...I guess your name made the good list this year. Get it! Like Santa Claus! It's funny, right? I mean, I suppose I could have come up with a better joke and I suppose I didn't have to remind you about the Christmas thing because that's such a lousy set up. Oh man! I should have hit those Red Lanterns with a sleigh pulled by reindeer and yelled, 'Ho ho ho!' Dammit!"

The Lanterns' rings are all around twenty percent charge and they're beginning to freak out that the rings will be spent after this battle. I have to say, the batteries on these rings are pieces of shit. Can somebody hire a Weaponer of Qward to upgrade these things?

Guy and John hit up the Rage Pyramid to charge their rings. As the pyramid changes from red to green, the Light Pirates freak out and rush off to tell the Overseers. Meanwhile, John and Guy's rings charge to 200%. But who the fuck cares? They'll still begin to run out of charge whenever a battle needs false tension and bullshit drama. The Lanterns all charge their rings and then fly away to find more Lanterns and find their way home. Nobody gives a shit about looking into a power source that burns cleaner and more powerfully than the shitty juice the Guardians of Oa have been selling them all this time? Krona mentions wanting to stick around to investigate if only they had more time but I guess they don't have more time because the Light Pirates may return with reinforcements. Although they bested them with rings at only 20% so why not stick around to fight them with rings powered at 200%?! Cowards.

As the Lanterns continue to fly aimlessly through space searching for a Lantern in an immeasurably vast and infinite haystack, they run into Relic. Not the Relic they defeated but the Relic from his own universe. So the Lanterns have been transported to the universe that existed before the universe they're from. I wonder how John's military service will help him deal with this revelation.

Lost Army #2 Rating: No change. Since this is the universe before the universe that Krona is from, does that mean that the hand that Krona saw forming his universe will wind up being his own hand?! Mind blown!

Lost Army #1

Didn't this book already fail when it was called Legion Lost?

I'm still not over the way 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 was portrayed in the Sneak Peek. Cullen Bunn had her cursing or speaking or whatever in binary. There's absolutely no reason why she would be speaking in fucking binary. She (and possibly her entire race) is a math genius. People who are good at math do not speak in binary. And even if...EVEN IF...she did speak in binary, the binary she was speaking in the Sneak Peek was gibberish! Cullen Bunn doesn't understand my girl 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 and he's going to ruin her. And apparently I'm going to pay to watch her defiled by this monster. So who's the real monster here?!

During the Sneak Peek, it was established that John Stewart, Arisia Rrab, Xrill-Vrek, Kilowog, and 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 (or, more properly (apparently!) 00110010-00110110-00111000-00110001-00110111-00111001-00110101) have mysteriously found themselves in a mystery place. They found Krona because his corpse was stolen from Atrocitus and apparently resurrected and stuck in this strange world. They were beset by creatures that devour foreign matter. This issue begins with the group battling these strange creatures.

These things want to kill you because you are foreign invaders. That means they're the immune system of whatever creature you've been shrunken down and injected into. Mystery solved!

I just cleared it up Kilowog! Granted, you still don't know whose body you're inside of (probably Hal Jordan's which is why Krona is here because he's linked somehow to Krona's Gauntlet) or how you were shrunk down and by who or why you don't remember any of it. I guess those will be the mysteries you'll need to solve. But don't think you'll solve them in this first issue! It'll probably take at least six issues before the revelation that you're inside some other creature!

John Stewart begins flashing back to when he was in the military because he can't stop Narration Boxing about aggression and how he uses it as a tool to solve problems. He points out that it's not a popular concept because it's an idiotic concept, asshole. Sure, aggression is a way to solve the problem of having been sent to force a foreign people in their own land to submit to your philosophies, especially when they--not surprisingly--aggressively try to get you the hell out of their homelands. Kind of weird how that works, right, John?

I've never disliked John Stewart until this comic book. Thanks, Mr. Bunn!

What you were born to do was invade another species' home and then murder them all when they try to defend their territory?

Krona decides to give a four panel speech about his past which begins with "I am a scientist" and ends with "I have my own [faith]." Fuckity fuck fuck somebody fucking please choke me to death right this fucking minute.

Lantern's crew find some other Lanterns encased in red crystal. They're dead because, as is usual in the Lanternverse, the enemy they're facing is pretty much immune to green lantern light. I seriously wish the yellow flaw never went away because even if it was an incredibly stupid way to give the Lanterns an occasional hard time, at least it was something established. Now the "yellow flaw" is just lazy writers forcing the Lanterns to battle enemies who just happen to somehow be immune to the light. It's a constant. The most powerful weapon in the universe is never very fucking powerful. Also, the rings run out of charge at every convenient moment. When they used to retain a charge for 24 hours, writers were constantly coming up with excuses for how the ring was just charged nearly 24 hours before a big fight and now the ring is failing! Now the rings just fail because too much stress is put on them and the charge drops down to zero in just a few panels. The Green Lanterns are possibly the worst outfitted heroes in the universe for the job they do.

Krona suggests giving him a ring from one of the dead Lanterns and he'll use his Science Suit to track the energy back to the Willpower Source. I think Willpower resides in the chin so they'll have to make their way to Hal Jordan's chin now.

The crew is suddenly attacked by more popcorn shrimp when flashes of green and red light shoot around them, killing the attackers and saving the day.

Well why not. Let Cullen Bunn ruin Guy Gardner as well.

I guess Guy isn't ready to be truly hopeful because he's stuck with the red and green rings still.

The crew continues to follow Krona's lead right into a huge pyramid of red spectrum energy. And John Stewart is all, "Aggression, man, aggression! It wins wars! And this thing is aggressive! We're in trouble and that rhymes with bubble and that stands for pool!" I bet next issue one of the other characters thinks about a different spectrum energy and changes the whole theme and then they find the source of that energy as well!

Lost Army #1 Rating: Somebody needs to hire Gerhard to work on this comic book because it desperately needs some background art. It's like the Lost Lanterns are just flying in front of a cosmic screensaver and it's set to the factory default boring ass generic various colors bullshit. At least the characters all look good, so kudos to Jesus Saiz. As for the story? It needs a lot of work to keep me interested.

Convergence: Green Lantern Corps #2

Why is Guy Gardner arm wrestling John Belushi?

At the end of last issue, Guy Gardner had hopped on a motorcycle and headed out into the desert of Planet Brainiac to fight for Metropolis. He could have been flying but Hal Jordan bogarted all the magic ring juice and took off with the battery. This Guy is from the pre-Crisis On Infinite Earths Universe but I forget who all of his possible opponents are. I guess one of the cities stolen was 1976 New York if he's battling the Not Ready For Prime Time Players.

You can tell the characters in this comic book are from an earlier era because it begins with Hal Jordan being crushed in a giant fist while Guy Gardner Narration Boxes, "Nobody roots for Goliath. We all want to see the hero slay the giant." My oh my how that soon changed, right? When did we all begin rooting for the bad guys? I think it happened stealthily! First Hollywood got us used to rooting for heroes that killed wantonly! Then they got us rooting for awful people that were wronged by even awfuller people! Pretty soon, we couldn't get enough of bad guys ruining everybody's day! Unless that was just me. It's possible I'm the only one rooting for Goliath. I'm a jerk.

I knew somebody somewhere in one of these Convergence things would remind the readers about the greatest weapon ever invented! Stewart is just lucky he didn't accidentally kill Hal and a billion other people with it.

This should be the version of John Stewart that survives! Let the New 52 John die and let this one take his place because this John has never been tortured by asshole writers! This John is so happy and carefree that he can belittle Green Arrow in the middle of a dangerous fight!

John and Hal soon find themselves unconscious and helpless. Except they're too unconscious and helpless to find themselves that way so pretend I phrased that previous sentence differently. Now it's up to Guy Gardner and his mighty baseball bat to save the day! I think those are the only members of the Green Lantern Corps in attendance so Guy will have to do.

Make that Guy and his new dog will have to do. Although if this dog is from Kamandi's world, shouldn't it be walking upright and trying to get Guy drunk? Get it? Because dogs love to hump stuff! I mean, humans love to hump stuff too! It's just that civilized people have decided it's bad form to rub your naked genitals on unsuspecting guests. For some reason. Stupid civilized people.

Guy has some nightmares about Zod and Sinestro before he wakes up to find himself tied up by Hercules and Jennifer Monroe. Guy's new dog is their old dog, Basil. I don't know who these people are. I mean, I know who Hercules is! I was once a twelve year old boy! I read all about his labors! Like that one where he cleaned some shit with a river. Or the one where he killed the hydra! Or the one where he did that totally lame thing so nobody ever remembers it at all. And then there was the one where he had to make a Stymphalian Omelette! I think there were a few more too but they're unimportant and possibly too racy to discuss in this all ages commentary. Except for that one where he had to express Cerberus's anal glands! Gross!

I should write a comic book entitled "The True Twelve Labors of Hercules" which reveals that they were all really embarrassing so he kind of changed them up a bit in the retelling.

Have I mentioned that Jennifer Monroe is super cute with a luscious rump?! Well if I did, I was lying! You shouldn't be interested in her at all, you pervs! I hope Supergirl doesn't get jealous of me and Jenny Monroe.

Jenny and Hercules decide that if Basil trusts Guy, Guy must be okay. Before Guy parts company with them (they're going to help innocents; Guy is going to die...I mean fight the Anti-God), he decides to challenge Hercules for his "Impervious Armor."

Apparently demigods don't know all the modern techniques involved in arm wrestling. Can you believe Hollywood made an action flick about arm wrestling? Men are into the most boring pastimes!

Herc and Jenny-Jenny-Bo-Benny-My-Face-Is-In-Her-Fo-Fanny lead Guy Gardner to the edge of Durvale where the Anti-God's Chaos Storm rages like a raging normal storm but more chaotic. Guy has Herc throw him into the city because he's now wearing armor that leaves him impervious to harm. As he's flying through the air, he does an Andy Kaufman imitation which I don't understand. But that's not surprising since I never understood anything Andy Kaufman did! Especially the cancer thing. How was that joke funny?!

Guy finds John and Hal taking naps. Then there's this huge advertisement for DC Comics to try to distance themselves from The New 52 which lots of fans hated. But they're trying way too hard by nicknaming their universe the "DC You." Oh please! Stop fellating the fans that hate you! You're trying too hard, DC! You'll never have the kind of fan praise Marvel has because the love isn't divided equally between the two companies. It's all about branding and once a person takes to one brand, they'll stick with it for no reason at all yet make up as many reasons as they can why the brand they chose is the best! For whatever reason, you've been losing the Brand Loyalty Race for decades! Here's the thing about Marvel fans: whenever I'm around a Marvel fan, they constantly tell me why they like Marvel better than DC. And most of their reasons are the same bullshit I've heard my whole life! Look, I don't care if a person chose Marvel over DC, or DC over Marvel, or American Spirits over Marlboro!

You want to know the real secret to increasing your Brand Loyalty, DC? The one that doesn't involve giving free handjobs to every one of your potential fans? Hire the best writers and artists and just let them create great fucking stories. Guess what? If the writers and artists realize you're serious about less editorial control, they'll come in droves. And the fans will follow! Okay, not all the fans. But how are you going to win over all the Wolverine fans when you don't have access to Wolverine?! And who wants the Cyclops fans? Yuck!

Anyway, good luck, DC! You've got a shit ton of great characters. You just need to make sure you've got great writers who love them directing their stories.

Back to Guy's adventure, John and Hal decide Guy's alright in their book. You know, seeing as how he saved their asses.

Guy decides to recharge his Green Lantern ring even though he was doing just fine with a baseball bat and a motorcycle.

Guy's plan to kill the Anti-God is to take it into space where it will react with regular old God and be destroyed. It also destroys positive matter God as well but it's not like he (or she!) was doing anything proactive with the universe. Good riddance!

After the victory, Guy celebrates in the best way ever!

Guy wins Multiversal Thunderdome!

Convergence: Green Lantern Corps #2 Rating: It was pretty good because it had Guy Gardner in it and he bonded with a dog. What's better than that? Eight Bad Hair Cuts out of Ten!

Divergence: Gotham Academy
"Gotham Academy's newest student Damian Wayne drops by the academy -- and he is not pleased to meet his new classmates!"

I've actually got to go and I want to post this before I take off. So you all know how I feel about Gotham Academy. Maps! Maps! Maps! Maps! Maps! Maps! Maps! Maps! Maps! Maps! Maps! Maps! Now with more Damian Wayne! I'll read the Sneak Peek later and will love it. Read Gotham Academy, people! But don't read the parts with Maps because she's my favorite and I will not share her with you.

Convergence: Green Lantern Corps #1

Kyle Rayner doesn't exist! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha ha!

I'm just going to sit back and read this comic book straight through without interrupting myself. Make yourself at home. Fix yourself a tea. Have a cookie.

I said "a cookie"! Since when have two handfuls of Oreos meant "a cookie"?! Now calm down and shut up while I read this comic book! Sheesh.

Well now that that's done, I don't have anything to say about the comic book! No wonder I write the commentary as I read it usually.

The story was about Guy Gardner trying to deal with his anger at being the unchosen Green Lantern and how he was called in to do the gig one time and was blasted into The Phantom Zone by a trap in Hal's power battery. Some of this anger is also at Hal for stealing his fiance while he was gone. So at the end of the issue, he destroys the last thing Hal cares about which is his machine he's been building to contact Oa. He's even left Carol after just six days of marriage because that's about when the Dome fell and he became obsessed with finding a way out. Then Planet Brainiac does his thing and Hal recharges his ring but refuses to let Guy recharge his ring. So Guy has to throw together a new costume so he can enter the tournament too!

Guy Gardner: Biker Warrior!

That's all there is to say about this issue so let's try something different. I just happen to own the issue that began all this bullshit that Guy is trying to deal with: "My Ring...My Enemy!" So let's do a commentary on that issue instead!

This was back when comic book companies didn't give a fuck about cutting covers straight so I have no idea what issue this is! But taking a look at the small print at the bottom of the first page, this is Issue #116 from May 1979. The story is by Denny O'Neil and the art is by Alex Saviuk and Dave Hunt.

The issue begins in the middle of the action with Green Arrow battling a huge eye floating above Star City. Now that's one opponent where I'd lay odds on Green Arrow! Arrows versus eye jelly?! It's a no-brainer! But Green Arrow figured he needed help since this is actually Green Lantern's comic book even if his name is on the cover in letters just as big as Green Lantern's.

What did the eye do to Ollie? Did he just start shooting at it because it was there? What a fascist!

Hal Jordan smartly uses his ring instead of waiting for an answer from Oliver. Why else would Ollie have summoned Hal with his big green arrow in the sky trick? So he could float around asking useless questions?

Green Lantern's light beam turns on him, wraps him up, and then flings him into a wall. While Ollie tries to wake him up, the scene shifts to the Arctic Retreat of Professor Ojo! He's a guy with a helmet with a webcam on top of it. He also has a fancy waxed mustache that is the envy of his assistant Minching. He has a plan for Star City but he won't tell it to his assistant and the Narrator won't tell it to me. Dick.

Hal decides that he needs to take the ring to Oa to get an overhaul. Oliver points out how "not smart" and "in fact" very "dumb" the idea of using a malfunctioning ring to fly through space is. But once Hal gets an idea in his head, no matter how not smart it is, it's as good as horribly executed!

I'm probably hallucinating this panel.

Hal Jordan left his most important possession, his Green Lantern Power Battery, on the front seat of his truck floating in orbit around the Earth. Sure, the truck was enveloped in a protective green bubble but you never know when some yellow skinned sneak thief in a yellow space suit might wander by. It seems pretty irresponsible. Hal picks up the lantern and leaves it in Oliver Queen's guest room where, I guess, he's been staying when not off in a convoy somewhere. Then Hal leaves for Oa. Or does he?!

"I didn't realize you were 'charging your ring.' LANTERN! Not on top of Granny's antique armoire!"

I like how the Narrator doesn't pull any punches. This is Green Arrow, kids! Oliver Queen is just one of his many disguises! Which, you know, is totally true. Just like Batman and Superman and the other heroes that I can't remember because they're not very popular, the heroic identity is their true persona. Even if they began life as some other person, they had to change the way they behaved when not in costume for a little misdirection. Batman isn't really a philandering scumbag! He doesn't even like sex! Imagine how much he must love Alfred to endure so much sex with so many different partners just to keep Alfred safe from the retaliation of Batman's enemies! And Clark Kent hates having to write article after article after article stroking Superman's ego, along with the thrice montly op-ed piece about why the world really, really, really needs Superman and all those jerks who don't trust him are dumb doody faces.

The reason Green Arrow freaks out isn't because he just realized that all of that "wax" on the top of the armoire wasn't wax but because Green Lantern is shattered into billions of tiny pieces and disappears. It's just a vision of future events though! Also it's a crappy vision because the artist draws Guy Gardner (who, spoiler, will be the one to fall for this trap soon) as if he were Hal Jordan. But don't worry, kids! It's not a misdirection at all! When it finally does happen to Guy at the end of the book, the artist will ignore how he's been drawing Guy correctly throughout the story and, once again, draw him looking just like Hal Jordan! See? Totally playing fair with the readers!

And then we find out another secret of Oliver Queen: he doesn't lock his front door!

Also, is that a picture of Superman over the living room sofa?

Since Oliver now has a guest, he decides that the mystery of Hal Jordan shattering into a million pieces can wait. Especially since he has another mystery on his hands: who is Guy Gardner?! Isn't the substitute Green Lantern a black guy who refuses to hide behind a secret identity?! I guess Guy doesn't much care about a secret identity either. And how did Guy know where to find Ollie? If I were Ollie, I'd say it's time to sit Hal Jordan down and define the term "secret" to him.

Guy informs Ollie that his back isn't broken anymore and that John Stewart is third in line for the job! While Hal is gone, Guy will be helping to defend Star City from floating eyeballs.

Do you get the feeling that whenever Green Lantern appeared in Green Arrow's book, the writer of that title made Green Lantern think self-deprecating thoughts to himself?

Isn't it cute the way Ollie pleads for Hal's quick return? So sweet! Also, if Hal returns, doesn't that solve the mystery of the shattered Green Lantern? Or does Oliver realize what he saw was just some kind of vision?

Meanwhile Hal Jordan's trip to Oa (by means of a space warp past your anus) is sidetracked by his wonky ring's UPS! He winds up on a desert planet, stranded and alone! Coincidentally, on the page opposite the desert planet, is an add for desserts! It stars Superman and ends with him refusing the Hostess Fruit Pies offered as a reward for saving some space picnickers. I bet Hostess was pissed that the comic didn't show Superman super enjoying their pies.

Back on Earth, Guy and Ollie head out to battle the flying eyeball. Once again, it doesn't do anything wrong so they attack it. But this time it fights back and nearly knocks a building on Green Arrow. Guy Gardner manages to knock Ollie out of the way with a monstrous green hand but when Guy blasts the eye, his beam of light flies around the eyeball and it gets away. Again.

Green Arrow is pretty upbeat for a guy who just let a giant floating eyeball escape his clutches two nights in a row.

Meanwhile on the mystery desert planet, Hal Jordan proclaims that he'd trade his ring for a glass of water. That's not the Hal I know! He'd never give up all that power! Isn't this the same Hal that's traded away Carol's love for the ring time after time?! Anyway, after Hal is sucked into some quicksand, he finds he isn't on some mystery desert planet at all!

I bet the Guardians will wish they'd remembered this plan when Hal actually comes to kill them in a decade or so.

The Guardians inform Hal that there is nothing wrong with his ring. It's as mighty and potent as it's ever been. But the receptacle in which he sticks it is the real problem. They give him a replacement battery which should make his ring strong and ready to go once more. They also tell him his old battery could be dangerous and it should be destroyed. Either the rings currently don't have the ability to communicate with the other rings or Hal Jordan is just a narcissistic asshole that doesn't believe a heads up to Guy Gardner about the dangerous battery is in order. Remember this moment, kids! Remember how Hal Jordan could have warned Guy about the lantern when we get to the final two panels!

So boredom is Hal Jordan's greatest fear? That's why Sinestro can never beat him. The only way to win is not to play!

Back on Earth, Guy goes out on his own to destroy the eye. He manages it easily this time. I guess Green Arrow was a liability. After he destroys it, Guy gets super excited to go charge the ring again. What is it about sticking a fist in that battery that turns these guys on so much?

When Hal returns, he finds Ollie and Dinah enjoying some coffee. Hal mentions that his battery was the problem all along and Ollie is all, "Oh yeah. That's what I figured even though I'm no deep thinker or nuthin'. I had a dream of you exploding while charging your ring." And Hal is all, "Are you sure it was me?!" And Ollie was all, "Is that another one of your stupid questions because you know, the way the artist has been drawing Guy, that it could have been Guy!" That's when Hal finally feels a sense of urgency so he breaks down one of the walls in Ollie's apartment only to find he's seconds too late to save Guy Gardner from years of justified anger and torment! Why couldn't Hal have warned him?!

Nobody to blame, my ass!

Thanks to Green Arrow, I now have a eulogy all set for whenever my father dies! "It's rotten. It's so rotten." Would it be suspicious if I threw in Hal's lines too? "The worst part is, there's nobody to blame. There's nobody to hate!"

Convergence: Green Lantern Corps #1 Rating: I own a bunch of these Green Lantern/Green Arrow books even though I don't know where I got them. Probably a stack of comics from my grandfather when he use to collect newspapers and magazines to take to the recycling center long before recycling was cool. I'm glad I have this book though since it sets up Guy Gardner with the eternal chip on his shoulder. Not only is he pissed about this, he's also pissed off about being passed up as the Green Lantern of Earth due to Abin Sur's lazy ass ring that couldn't be bothered to extend its search for a replacement Lantern past a circumference of a few miles. You'd think after three and a half decades, Guy Gardner could have moved past this shit. I guess he has in a way. Writers just keep finding different reasons for him to be so fucking angry all the time.

Green Lantern Corps #40

That's one fucking wild 'fro, John.

I may have mentioned once or twice that my laptop was running like shit. I could see the sands in my hourglass speeding away as my web browser refused to load pages, my photoshop application decided not to respond, and my messaging client completely locked up. Well, my troubles are no more! Today I am free! Fuck you, Avast! You had your time but whoever decided that your anti-virus software wasn't up to par with McAfee's incredible power to bog down every computer it is installed on is an asshole. Now I feel like I'm using an actual computer again instead of seemingly trying to blog on a toaster. I can't believe the difference it's made. Doom Bunny suggested I take off Avast since it had been screwing up his wife's computer. I thank him for saving this blog and my life. At one point, I opened another browser window to go to Tumblr to post that I was quitting because I was so frustrated. But the stupid fucking browser window never opened and I forgot what I was opening it for in the first place and then I wrote a suicide note to Doom Bunny. Luckily he didn't take me seriously which pissed me off, so I still had something to live for: yelling at Doom Bunny. But then he fixed my problem so now he's a saint! You can now pray to Saint Doom Bunny, patron Saint of jerkos, You Make The Rules, and hockey.

I knew Avast was getting crappy when it was beginning to bug me for registration renewals and increased service for a monthly fee. But I never expected it to be behind all of my problems. Now my computer is the Wild West! Fuck you, anti-virus software! Suck my dick, firewalls! Anarchy rules here! But, um, hackers? Please be kind and leave my shit alone! I turned off the wireless on this thing a few months ago. Now if I sense any hinky dinky funny business going on (and believe me, I can smell that shit like a three star Michelin chef smells truffle oil), I'll just yank out my internet wire and stop those viruses in their tracks! I can do it too! Boom! See? Just did it! BOOM! Did it again!

Anyway, if this is my last blog post, you'll know that my laptop has become a useless brick full of pop ups, trojan horses, and porn.

This issue begins with John's memory of blowing up Xanshi. You see, there was this bomb and it was poisoning the people of Xanshi. It was killing them slowly. So John thought, "I will stop it from killing them by disabling it!" And the bomb said, "Oh no you don't! I will just kill them faster!" And Katma went, "Oh fuck!" And John went, "Whoops!" And Fatality went, "I will murder you, you asshole!" And they all lived happily ever after.

I don't know any other way to end stories.

Now there is the same kind of bomb on Zarox. It's time for John Stewart to right the wrongs of his past! Or to banish some of his demons at least by being successful in a situation where he had failed once before. Because he's never going to bring back the people of Xanshi no matter how badly he wants Fatality to fuck him. I bet he's successful this time because John Stewart has suffered enough! Let him have one, guys!

Whoops!

If John Stewart can drop this bomb and it doesn't detonate, I don't think he should blame himself for the destruction of Xanshi. He barely looked at that bomb and it blew up. This one he's throwing all over the planet and nothing! I think John should have realized that when Katma declared, "John! You armed it!", she was mistaken. And then she was dead. He could have yelled out to her, "It armed itself because you didn't help me destroy it!" And then it would have been her fault! Man, he's just got to let the past go. Here's some advice, John: empty the garbage can. The past is just candy wrappers, banana peels, and used coffee grounds, man. Throw it the fuck away. It isn't doing you any good.

Since you're probably going to remember that garbage can thing to use on your kids in the future, let me give you some more advice for your kids about time. The present is a Grecian urn, all anticipation and excitement for the future. That's the best place to be! And the future is a brick wall. Run at it full speed and you'll kill yourself getting there. But if you enjoy your life and take your time, by the time you get to that brick wall, you'll be able to climb over it on the stack of corpses of the people rushing headlong into it. Although the only thing on the other side of that wall is a grave so, you know, it really doesn't fucking matter.

The bad lady with the splotch on her face tells John that the bomb, like the one on Xanshi, is powered by crimes and evil thoughts and dog poop. So, once again, the other bomb wasn't John's fault! It was the fault of Fatality and her people! Which is kind of blaming the victim but sometimes the victim is to blame, amirite? Stupid victims! Stop being so victimy.

Speaking of victims, Maro was kidnapped by the bad blotchy lady and now he's as big a dick as his meaty, coke-can-sized cock.

Maro is the worst philosopher ever. If you discount all the philosophers sitting in coffee shops all over the world right now. Fuck those guys.

Meanwhile in the heart of the Empire of Tears' largest bomb manufacturing center, Daggle and his partner Asile battle some person named Wyllt. She's the queen of the Empire of Tears. She was probably that little girl that was possessed by the Inversions on Ysmault. I remembered "Inversions" and "Ysmault" without any help from past commentaries or Lord Google! I wonder if I've accidentally been taking brain vitamins?

Wyllt flees to go watch one of her Emotion Bombs explode while Daggle and Asile blow up the bomb factory. Wyllt will probably arrive on Zarox since that bomb is ready to blow. And now I'm pretty sure I was wrong about those brain vitamins because I had to flip back a few pages to remember the name of the planet John is currently on even though I just read it five minutes ago.

John comes up with a stupid plan. "I sure hope that bomb doesn't explode!" BOMB DISARMED.

I bet the bomb inside of the Earth is powered by fleeting fame.

Princess Wyllt arrives to remind John that it was his arrogance that destroyed Xanshi. You know, if he still believes that after all the evidence to the contrary, he's a puss and he doesn't deserve a Green Lantern Ring.

The Zaroxians fight off the despair because hope is strong and powerful or some bullshit. Fuck hope! All hope ever got me was a disappointing Christmas morning!

Actually, hope doesn't save the day. It just stops the bomb from exploding on its own. Wyllt fixes that and arms it herself though. So now, since the Green Lantern Rings can't harm the bomb, it's up to Love to save the day! Fuck love! All love ever got me was tear-stained face and countless hours lost listening to Disintegration!

I can think of a few limits to love. Like nobody is shoving their fingers up my asshole, I'll tell you that right now. I mean, maybe after a half dozen shots of sake and an eighth of shrooms. Okay, maybe love doesn't have any limits provided the conditions are right.

John saves the planet because there's nothing you can say that can't be sung. And there's nothing you can do that can't be done. And there's nothing something something that you can never something something. It's easy!

Everybody celebrates the great big victory of love triumphing over darkness!

Gross. They don't even know if their sexual bits are compatible! What if one of them has a viscous blob and the other has a spinning propeller? That could get messy.

John leaves Jruk and Maro and Feska to rebuild the planet of Zarox while he goes to take a break. Typical foreman! He's had a lot of practice with that on building sites.

Green Lantern Corps #40 Rating: No change. We all knew John would win out with the power of love, didn't we? Now you all have a homework assignment. Download a bunch of Huey Lewis and the News albums, listen to them for the entire weekend, and then write a five page report on what it must have been like living in the eighties with that as your soundtrack. Hopefully now that you're busy with your assignment, you won't notice that I didn't offer any profound commentary on the end of this series.

Green Lantern Corps #39

Oh no! What's his name is in trouble!

I've been staring at the cover of Green Lantern Corps #39 off and on for over twelve hours now. Sort of. I mean, I slept for part of that time. But I was thinking about the book because I can't get past an image in my head and just begin reading and commenting on the book. I want to take a big black Sharpie and draw a cartoon version of John Stewart standing with his hands on his hips and looking out at the viewer. He would say something about knowing he wanted to be an architect because he found so much joy in drawing dungeon layouts for the Dungeons and Dragons games he ran throughout junior high. Behind him and his speech bubble, still in dark black ink, would be an intricate dungeon layout on graph paper with numbered rooms, an ornamental compass rose, and tiny monsters drawn here and there. So that image, an image I know I would fail to draw to my satisfaction, has been clogging up the neural pathways. You see, when I get an idea into my head, I need to pursue it. It's why some of my commentaries are in weird or offensive voices at times, or why a few, here or there, might not make much sense to anybody but me and the driving need in my brain. I'm hoping that talking this out will get me past it but my brain keeps trying to make the idea more and more complex.

Brain: "Wait. Get this. What if you draw a maze with lots of little rooms which can be clicked on to open a new window with a short story about one of the Green Lantern Corps members relating to decisions they've made within this issue?"
Me (which is somehow different from my brain. Some of you understand): "No. That's too much work and most of the people visiting the page won't even notice that you can click on different parts of the image for different links."
Brain: "Bullshit! People know how the web works!"
Me: "Right. That's why nobody ever figured out how my Superball Web Comic worked so I just abandoned it almost immediately after I created it."
Brain: "Bah! That was over a decade ago! Web uses are smarter now!"
Me: "Seriously, Brain? You're an idiot. If anything, they're less savvy because they browse everything on tiny screens and expect UIs to take their hand, put it on their genitalia, and move it around in a rapid, somewhat erotic manner. If a website doesn't do everything for them, they blame the fucking creator instead of their own limited imagination."
Brain: "You're lazy."
Me: "Fuck you! Eat a bullet!"
Brain: "You don't have the guts!"
Me: "I know. Bastard. Just wait until I'm motivated enough to get some anti-psychotics. That'll fucking teach you."
Brain: "Come on now! Let's be cool. Just draw that Stewart picture with the dungeon behind him and we'll go get some Oreos, okay? Would you like that? Some nice, fat Double Stuf Oreos?"
Me: "Well...okay."

"See, brain? This is why I didn't want to do it! There's no payoff! Now give me my fucking Oreos, bitch."

Forget the Oreos! Just having the weight of needing to do that gone from my head is all the reward I need. Life sure would be simpler if my brain would stop coming up with stupid shit to do.

Meanwhile on the planet Zarox, a bunch of Green Lantern Corps member whose names I should learn go about Green Lantern Corps business. Actually, I know most of their names and one or two personality traits. There's Jruk, the one-armed warrior monster from the planet Killdeathmaim. And there's Feska, the mother and thief from Zarox. And there's John Stewart, architect and Dungeons and Dragons nerd. And there's the little pink guy that doesn't talk which is probably why I forgot his name. He's super into philosophy but not very into gossip and he loves to not say anything. People at parties are always, "Who's the little pink guy? He's so mysterious! And he looks like a Tic Tac. I bet he's got one of those super thick Coke can cocks, right?" Is that how people talk at parties?

Oh, that's bullshit, Grandmother Feska. That's just the standard, old person rigmarole! "Things were better in my day when we shamed people into all acting exactly alike and never discussed the rights of the slaves we kept and also we castrated nine out of every ten boys when they were born. So much better, those days!"

Feska's son says the monsters are to blame for turning all of the Zaroxians into "Darkness Falls" spouting zombies. She tells her son that there are no such things as monsters as she uses her ring to turn Jruk into a cute little kitten. Depending on how racist Feska's son is, Feska might also turn John's skin pink. "See? No monsters in here," she says as she slaps Maro's hand away from his pants as he tries to unleash his trouser Kraken.

I didn't spontaneously remember Maro's name. I had to consult Lord Google to figure it out because "slaps the pink mute guy's hand away" didn't work as well as just using his name.

As soon as Feska tells her son that their are no monsters, an Owlbear crashes through the wall. Typical. I mean, you give an Owlbear an opening like that, no saving throw in the rules will stop her from taking it.

Grandmother is killed in the attacks and Feska can't help feeling a little bit relieved that she's not going to have to pay for her care anymore and then she feels guilty and then she feels annoyed that she's going to have to find a new caretaker for her son and then she feels guilty again. You know, the standard emotions when a parent dies. Also, Maro is kidnapped by the Owlbears. What can they say? They love Coke!

"Again!" Or what about, "Unless it's by my own hands!"

Meanwhile on the moon above Ungara, Green Lanterns: The Lost Army continues to prelude up the place. Maybe. It might be something altogether different, actually. Daggle finally finds his old partner acting as a slave master overseeing a mysterious building project. Probably a new color Lantern Corps! I'm hoping for a Fuchsia Corps!

It seems the Shadow Empire (hey! Those are the same guys on Zarox! Coincidence?!) is building a contraption to spread shadow seeds all over the universe. The Shadow Empire is run by a woman that was poisoned by the Inversions to bring the Empire of Tears back to fruition. The woman was saved by Abin Sur and taken back to Ungara where she began to resurrect the Empire of Tears. I guess that's a bad thing. I mean, the Guardians fought a long war against them, so maybe the Empire of Tears are the good guys? It's sometimes hard to tell which side, good or evil, the Guardians support in any conflict.

Back on Zarox, Stewart wills up a light construct of something he's quite familiar with from years as an architect: a double headed lower back "massager." Leaning over the drawing table really does a number on the lower back. Just ask Mike Brady.

Once underground, the group are attacked by more Owlbears. That's when John Stewart creates a few more contraptions he's quite familiar with: a Gatling strap-on and an over the shoulder dildo holder.

Shoulder mounted pocket rocket?

My entire office smells like Sharpie now. Huff on that, Brain!

As you can see, this is one of those times when John Stewart deems killing is okay. I don't know how he decides when it's okay and when it's not. It must be a very tricky equation because most of the situations all seem the same to me. Sometimes he meets up with an incomprehensible alien and he decides it's just an incomprehensible alien that shouldn't be killed. Sometimes he meets up with an incomprehensible alien and he decides it's a slavering, growling monster that needs to be put down before it kills again!

Stewart and his Lanterns discover a cavern deep within Zarox with a large bomb inside of it. It's vaguely familiar to Stewart, having seen it once before in real life and then over and over again every time he falls asleep only to wake up screaming.

No problem! This thing can be filled with yellow wires now and it's not going to stop him!

Green Lantern Corps #39 Rating: No change. It's time for John Stewart to get some closure or something. I guess he'll save this world from the bomb then realize that he could have saved the other world too. I mean, he'll realize he can only do what he can do and he can't save everybody but sometimes he can. Or something. Then he'll cry for three days straight before waking up, have four slices of bacon, some sourdough toast with half a pat of melted butter on each slice, exactly one scrambled egg (heavy on the pepper), and a cup of pulpy orange juice. He'll smack his mouth through the entire meal, relishing it with, um, relish! And then he'll stand up, stretch, make a huge bowel movement (in the toilet! Not in his pajamas in the middle of the kitchen), and he'll be thoroughly cleansed of his guilt and sorrow. A new day will begin for John Stewart! And that day will not be recorded in any comic books because, well, pretty much all of the Green Lantern titles are ending next month. Sorry, John!

Secret Origins #9

Swamp Thing
The Swamp Thing was created when a drunk frat guy pissed on and then vomited into the Greek House's mascot, a four foot tall Chia Pet lovingly referred to as Hervé Villechaize. The Chia Pet was posted outside the room the frat brothers had dubbed "Fantasy Island." Most of the fantasies that took place in the room were unsatisfying, hazy, and most likely criminal. The morning after the Chia Pet had come to life, neighbors complained of an unbearable stench coming from the house. When none of the members of the frat could be reached, a Hazmat team kicked down the front door to investigate. What they found were the half-decayed bodies of every member of the frat, their bodies propped up against walls and furniture with one arm raised to the sky, the index finger extending from the otherwise closed fist. Across the back wall, smeared in blood and faces, was the phrase, "The Plane."

I'm pretty sure that's how Swamp Thing was first introduced in House of Mystery #171 House of Secrets #92!

The account of how Alec Holland became the Swamp Thing is being written by Gaurev the Sureen based on interviews he conducted with Brother Jonah, The Wolf, and Lady Weeds. So I don't think his account is going to be any more trustworthy than my account!

The beginning of the story won't surprise anybody. Alec Holland was the shining star and number one draft pick for the job of Avatar of the Green which meant The Rot needed to kill him before he posed a threat to their power. This ended in the iconic image of Alec Holland stumbling out of his house, on fire, and face planting into the swamp.

Is that iconic? Maybe I just mean familiar!

After he died, some other Swamp Thing only pretending to be Alec Holland bumbled around during the years before Flashpoint. But then Alec Holland was brought back to life by a White Ring and the Swamp Thing realized he was nothing but a husk pretending to be an avatar and it went off to live on Mars. The Parliament of Trees pursued Alec until he was finally forced to take on the role and become the greatest Swamp Thing that ever existed (if you discount Alan Moore's Swamp Thing who might not actually have been as talented (the Thing! Not the Moore!) but fuck did it leave an impact on the comic book world).

Gaurav ends his biography with some overly emotional pap and that's that. The Swamp Thing's secret origin! That wasn't much of a secret at all, really.

Swamp Thing Secret Origin Rating: No change. This was less of a synopsis and more of a finally! Wait, I think I got that wrong. It was simply exactly what you would have expected. Look in the swamp! It's a plant! It's a compost heap! It's a monster! No, wait! It's a human! Applause.

Power Girl
I'm just guessing that this is Power Girl's origin since it's written by Paul Levitz and it begins with Superman finding a crashed ship with a flying blonde toddler in it! She doesn't have her boob window yet but then she doesn't have boobs either, so I guess it would be useless. This is normally where I try to remember everything I know about the character's secret origin but fuck if I know anything about Power Girl's Preboot origin! I never really did follow the Earth-2 kids. Or were they Earth-1 back then? It's all so confusing!

Clark brings the little girl back to his parents' farmhouse to say, "What the fuck do we do with this?!"

And then she kicked a hole straight through Ma Kent's belly.

Kara eventually gets old enough to move to the big city to live with Clark and Lois. Superman heads to the farm to pick her up, they say their goodbyes to the Kents, and then they fly away, Kara still in her civvies. Haven't any of these people ever heard of binoculars?! They really don't give a shit about secret identities, do they? I suppose Superman's whole "glasses are a good enough disguise" attitude says exactly how much he cares about secret identities. Put a little effort into it, why dontcha?

Oh, also, they don't go to the big city. They go to the deserted island because Clark is a controlling asshat.

"Honey, try to see it from my point of view. I don't need a daughter or a sister. But just remember: I love you, weapon."

Eventually Lois was killed and then Catwoman was killed and then Supergirl found her best friend, Robin. Then the world nearly blew up and Superman and Batman died saving it and Supergirl and Robin found themselves trapped in a raging river in their inflatable raft only to head over a cliff and through a portal into another land.

There they met a furry little guy named Chaka and a whole series of pylons which hid altars filled with gemstones. One of the most powerful was in a cave filled with Sleestak, terrifying lizard-like men with huge claws and big black eyes. Eventually, after lots and lots of experiments and some close calls getting home, they did figure out how to open a portal and head back to Earth-2 to see their world burn.

But before Power Girl left, she gave some of her powers and all of her money to Tanya Spears.

Power Girl Secret Origin Rating: No change. Come on, Secret Origins! Tell me some stuff that hasn't been mostly explained in the issues since The New 52 began! The new stuff about Kara being just a kid at the farm was cute but it just wasn't enough to change the ranking. Now if only they had finally included that Helena/Karen shower scene we've all been clamoring for!

John Stewart, Green Lantern
I don't remember if I ever read the Preboot story about how John Stewart was picked to be a Green Lantern. And I'm not even sure if it's been covered since The New 52 began. So maybe I'm finally going to learn some super exciting stuff that I've never known before! Finding things that I don't already know is super difficult because I know just about everything. It can get pretty boring going through life with an IQ of 28. You never miss nothin'! Or something.

Oh boy! It's another "Earth is super fucking special" story!

I'd better be nice while commenting on this story because it's probably been written by my very best almost Facebook friend in all of the world, Van Jensen. What kind of a name is Van? That sounds like a girl's name!

Oh boy! It's another "Stewart kills his friends when he must kill his friends" story!

The Guardians watching him like that he's able to yell at authority figures and design buildings. He's a lot like one of their favorite earthlings ever, Mike Brady.

John gets a job working for Ferris Air. What a coincidence! That's where lots and lots of Lantern activity takes place! What is Guy Gardner's connection to Ferris Air? Did he pass out in every pilot's bar in the area?

The Guardians crash a Manhunter into one of the runways and it begins strutting around saying, "Where is Green Lantern? Where is the one you call the Lantern Green? Where is the being that is Green and carries a Lantern? Kill all men!"

Oh yeah! I totally forgot they say that all of the time!

The Lantern Ring flies down and says, "John Stewart of Earth. You have the ability to kill your best friends. Welcome to the Green Lantern Corps!" And John Stewart is all, "Now we're talking, baby!" John learns that anything he imagines, the ring creates. Luckily the first thing he imagines is a machine gun. If I had been chosen, Carol Ferris's clothes would have instantly flown off in all directions. And I would have been all "Whoops!" because I didn't know it would do that! And Carol would be all, "You knew it would do that!" And I would be all, "What? No way!" And she would have been, "We'll talk about this later in the motel room where you can take my clothes off in private!" And I would be all, "Carol is my centerfold!" And she'd be all, "Piss on the wall!" And I'd be all, "Do you remember when?" And she'd be all, "Angel in Green!" And I'd be all, "Manhunter's stink! Yeah yeah!"

John defeats the Manhunter because "no man" escapes the Manhunters and John isn't a man at all. He's an architect! Then the ring flies him to Oa to be called a Poozer.

See? I should man a psychic hotline. But people can only ask questions that any comic book lover can answer. I'd be awesome!

John Stewart Secret Origin Rating: No change. John didn't even kill any of his best friends! What a let down!