Green Arrow #47

Sticks and stones would make more sense if Tarantula's super power had something to do with rocks.

Today, Matan4il responded to something I said on Tumblr with "Uh...tessatechaitea, were you being sarcastic and I missed it?" Then the person went on to explain why I was an idiot if I wasn't being sarcastic. You really have to appreciate how the humorless are sure to begin responding to something by taking a shot at you. I get the tone of your question, Matan4il! I hear you calling me a fucking idiot who is too stupid to get sarcasm right! Obviously it's easier to point out how stupid somebody is being than checking the person's blog to see the tone of it before making a judgment. Although it is much easier to assume I'm a dolt and then ask me to clarify thus pulling me right into your stupid fucking issues. I'm sorry for entertaining myself in a public forum! It won't happen again!

It especially won't happen while I'm reading Percy's Green Arrow. I certainly won't be having any fun while reading this garbage.

Wait. When did this happen? Did I miss the issue with the love story in it?!

Green Arrow has been captured by the Bone Hunters and thrown in a dungeon with his dog George. He helped Tarantula and her cousin escape even though she seemed to admit that she brought him there to trade away his life. George was captured because his bones are worth more than the normal dog bones for some reason. I think he's part werewolf or something. There was an origin story about it. I've forgotten it completely.

Tarantula decides she needs to save Oliver because they fell in love on the road trip. Or while they were captured. Or while they were arguing constantly. I'm not really good at reading signs so I don't know when they actually fell in love. I still thought they barely liked each other!

While I'm still confused from the sudden romantic subplot, Percy decides to shove in an origin story for Jefe, the leader of the Bone Collectors. Is the guy really interesting enough to need a backstory? Do I fucking care about this guy? I barely care about Green Arrow!

Working around drugs gives you cancerous semen?!

Jefe saved his child by praying to a Mayan god of death named Ah Puch. He taught him the medicinal properties of bones. Not only did his bone medicine cure his baby, it also proved the most addictive drug in the world. And so he sold it on the street and made billions of dollars and lived happily ever after. Until the day he overstepped his power and kidnapped Green Arrow and his dog George to use as powerful Day of the Dead sacrifices. If only powerful people had some way of knowing when they had enough so that they could continue to live happily ever after. Why can't they see retiring is a good thing? Doing nothing is awesome! There should be an off switch on ambition. Hell, in my case, I need an on switch for it!

"Scientific statement. Unscientific statement that some people might believe. Third completely nonsense statement that now sounds somewhat factual."

I suppose "ore of life" might be a metaphor for stem cells but I'd have to understand poetry to know for sure. I would think the testicles or the ovaries carried the actual ore of life but then maybe I'm too literal for this poetry nonsense!

Green Arrow responds to his upcoming sacrifice by saying, "You want my bones, but I'd rather give you the finger." I think it would have worked better if he said "a finger" but what do I know? Poetry, remember?! Bad at it, I am!

Jefe explains that bones are powerful artifacts and then brags about all of the different bones he has in his collection. He's rather vague about most of them. You'd think he'd cherish his collection a little more by announcing which kings's bones he had, or the names of the demons and murderers, or the name of the chieftain killed by the lion whose bones he has. He even says he has the bones of the dog who traveled with Lewis and Clark but refuses to give him his name, Seaman. Isn't part of the power within the bones due to their names? Maybe I've been doing magic wrong my entire life! It's possible since I learned everything I know simply by listening to Blizzard of Ozz ten thousand times.

Just before Ollie is sacrificed, he realizes that people will do anything for love. Except for that one thing. I never did know what that one thing was. I have a feeling it involved the anus. Speaking of Meatloaf, have you ever been to karaoke when somebody decided to sing "Paradise by the Dashboard Light"? That fucking song should be outlawed at karaoke joints. It feels like it's twenty minutes long and it's super repetitive! Audience members should be allowed to walk up on stage and kick people in the crotch when they choose karaoke songs that last more than four minutes. I almost said three but I thought I'd be generous in my make-believe laws.

Oh yeah! Also just before he's killed, Tarantula saves him from getting killed.

Maybe the one thing Meatloaf wouldn't do for love was say he was sorry.

Apparently Jefe's henchmen are zombies which is why it was okay for Green Arrow to kill them. Although did he know that beforehand? How did he know that? I think I keep missing things that are important to this story!

Because Jefe isn't able to make a sacrifice to Ah Puch, Ah Puch takes the life of his son who rots away in seconds. Pissed off, as he should be, Jefe renounces Ah Puch. It's a really poorly thought out decision that he shouldn't have made while not thinking clearly due to his son's death because Ah Puch sends all of the Death's Head Moths to devour him. It's gross.

This is even grosser.

Green Arrow #47 Rating: -1 Ranking. Where did this love story come from? Am I just supposed to assume that when a man and a woman spend any amount of time together, they automatically fall in love? I guess that scene at the border crossing where Ollie jokingly says they're on their honeymoon was all it took for Tarantula's heart to get all aflutter? Maybe all the times I read the sound effect "flutter" in this comic book, I mistakenly ascribed it to the Death's Head Moths' wings when it was actually the lovers' hearts! DC has broken up a lot of believable relationships and given us a lot of unbelievable ones. This one might be even worse than the love story of Wonder Girl and Superboy. I said might be!

Green Arrow #46

The Looney Tunes are a reminder that shooting your friend in the face with a shotgun is hilarious.

If humans were immortal and could heal as quickly and completely as cartoon characters do, I'm pretty sure shooting your friend in the face with a shotgun would be hilarious! I bet fraternity houses on college campuses would constantly look like somebody was filming the next sequel in the Saw franchise. And you know most of that blood would be penis related.

[[MORE]] Currently Green Arrow and his soon-to-be-face-mask Tarantula have decided to take a road trip to Juarez because Oliver now isn't just trying to save his own city. No, he's going to save any city that anybody cares about! Or at least any city cared for by a physically fit woman he doesn't know who also convinces him it's where the people who stole his dog live. I suppose if I were Ollie, I wouldn't be able to go home and face Emiko without her dog either. You know, Oliver wouldn't have lost Emiko's fucking dog if he had just had it on a leash. So many dog owners are delusional scumbags who think that everybody they meet will instantly love their dog and want to participate in their lives. Yes, your dog is nice and well-trained. Right up until that one time it's not, asshole. Your dog is not an extension of your being or a possession to be admired by strangers. Your dog is an autonomous being who sometimes decides it wants to tear the fucking face off of another dog or chase some butterfly into traffic or get inside of my personal space to make me hate you with a searing hot hate forged in the bowels of Lewis Black's own personal hell.

Why do so many innocent dogs have to be best friends with such deluded assholes? Poor doggies!

Oh, forget the dogs! Fuck them! They deserve what they get for loving anybody that will pay them any attention! Be more discriminating, dogs! Have some self-respect! Maybe live on your own for awhile! Spend some time with yourself. Travel to one of those countries where dogs roam free everywhere. Take a little me time, dogs. You don't see cats staying in horrible homes where they're uncomfortable. They just head on over and move in with a neighbor, whether or not the neighbor agrees. Cats are presumptuous bastards.

So anyway! Things are super serious in Juarez and Green Arrow is super scared for George's safety and Tarantula is super concerned about the safety of her family and her city!

But none of that can stop people thinking about penises and vaginas!

The Bone Hunters know Green Arrow and Tarantula are in town thanks to a nosy border crossing guard. Whew! I thought the big confrontation might take a few issues as Ollie tried to play detective. But this sets it up nicely to get this story over with quickly! Although I do like Green Arrow fighting people called Bone Hunters. And he's doing it all to save one dog while his city probably burns! I bet he's failing the city right now! City failurer!

Tarantula lives in a bar which is probably why she's into date rape. But there's trouble at her bar! Trouble that must be quenched!

But first Ollie must sit on some butt plugs!

While stealing a beer because he heard a Black Canary song and now must get drunk to ease the defilement of his ears, Oliver discovers the bartender stuck to the roof with knives because comic books. Maybe it's an homage to today being Friday the 13th (because, of course, Percy and Zircher knew I wouldn't get to reading this until then) so they decided to throw in a ridiculous horror movie moment. I'm so used to ridiculous comic book moments that I can't really tell the difference. Oliver realizes the dead person stuck to the ceiling is a clue and runs upstairs to tell Tarantula that she's probably already been killed.

Stupid Tarantula isn't dead at all although that would have been better because then Green Arrow wouldn't have had to surrender to the Bone Hunters to save her life. Can't Tarantula do anything right?!

Hey oh!

A lot of bone talk takes place with Green Arrow tied to a bone throne. He gets it, Jefe! You're into bones! Christ, you're as annoying as people who make smoking pot the essence of their entire being!

Jefe decides to tell Green Arrow that Tarantula brought him to Juarez to trade his boner for her cousin. And since this guy is an evil dognapper who sleeps on a bed of bones, he's totally credible. Except Tarantula winds up saying, "Lo siento," which means "Suck it." Stupid! You could have denied it!

Green Arrow decides he's had enough! He breaks out of his bone throne and goes all Wolverine on the Bone Hunters!

I seriously can never remember if Green Arrow is currently killing people or not killing people. So I'm usually surprised by any action he takes.

Green Arrow helps Tarantula escape with her cousin Sofia while he remains behind to stab Bone Hunters in the face with his bone arm attachments. I don't really have much more to say about the escape although I would like to share one more piece of fantastic Zircher artwork.

God I want a framed print of this so badly!

Green Arrow #46 Rating: No change. The thing I liked most about this issue is that Green Arrow was on the road. I am sick of hearing about saving his stupid fucking city. If he really wanted to save his city, he'd demand more money be spent on infrastructure and education! He's get a free mass transit system up and running! He'd stop the rampant rise of apartment building cluttering up every city block so that every street feels like the trench on the Death Star! Forget about shooting a few people in the face with arrows. Saving your city isn't just about punishing the people who turn to crime. It's about fixing the systemic problems which lead to lifelong poverty and disenfranchisement! So I'm glad Ollie is on vacation. I would like to see him go on more vacations! But maybe he shouldn't visit cities that need saving in other countries. Don't they have their own heroes to save them? Do they really need a white American coming in and showing them how to fix their problems? Last I checked, this wasn't a Rudyard Kipling poem.

Green Arrow #44

Is this Elfquest now?

I'm sure DC Comics hates it when Marvel fans claim DC has stolen all of their shit. I get annoyed when fans of one company claim the other company has stolen or copied something because it's only true in the most general sense. Usually it's just the same writer bringing shit he created (although with a new name and a makeover) over to his new job with the other company. But shouldn't somebody have said to Percy, "Really? You're going to give our bow and arrow guy a dog on the tail--snicker snicker--of all that pizza-bagel dog crap--snicker snicker--going down across the street? That's just asking for a black eye!" And then Percy probably said, "You're right! The Green Arrow comic also needs a black guy!" I think Green Arrow's wolf-dog is going to be played up as way too bad-ass for me to feel much of anything for. I really wish Aquadog had gotten more of a spotlight over in Aquaman. I can't believe he was completely forgotten and abandoned. Maybe Mera can befriend a baby octopus next.

The issue begins with Oliver Queen saying he's "a sucker for women" and that he "loves them all." But that's with a few conditions, of course. They have to be smart and strong. That's code for no ugly chicks even if they're smart although he said he likes smart women but, come on!, you can't expect a man to not be a man just so he can prove his mouth feminism through his actions. That's hard! And he's supposedly a good looking, intelligent guy with muscles so weak, dumb women need not apply. Also all of the women that are not attractive to him in the ways that it's not okay for a man to say they aren't attractive. You know the ways. I just made you think of the ways but I didn't say them so don't get mad at me! Get mad at your own brain for thinking the things I would never say! I love all women! I mean, if they're, um, not very opinionated. Unless that's a bad thing to say and then I just don't like them if they're not being themselves. Yeah! That's it. I hate when women aren't themselves because of the Patriarchy. Stupid Patriarchy! Unless that means I'm not being sensitive to dumb, weak women who allow themselves to be victims of the Patriarchy. Then I love all women without any caveats, especially when I can just type it and I don't have to prove it in any real way.

Hunh. I never thought about it like this before. Women really are all the same in stereotypical, negative ways! Thanks for the in-depth analysis of women in relationships, Oliver!

Ugh! Don't you hate it when the person you're dating wants to get to know you better? Isn't the size of my penis and the amount of time I can manage to keep it from blowing its load all you really need to know (both of those numbers are smaller than you were probably hoping for (although you're probably just reading this to find out if Green Arrow #44 was any good so maybe I shouldn't have brought it up at all))? Oliver may as well have opened up this issue Narration Boxing, "Hey guys! Don't you hate it when your girl asks you what you're thinking?" That always gets a laugh from couples even though it doesn't have a punch line. But couples are always, "Oh yeah! That's a thing that lousy comedians sometimes say! I've heard it before so it must be funny if I'm hearing it yet again!"

Oliver and Kyra walk past the Seattle fish market so that everybody reading can go, "Oh yeah! I've seen that before! They really are in Seattle!" It was either that or draw the Space Needle into the background. Or maybe the building that looks like a huge black cock. Black in that the building is black not because black people have cocks the size of buildings. There goes your racist, sexist brain again! Don't go getting angry at me because you can't read anything without finding a reason to be angry about it. That's on you, you perpetuator of negativity.

Since Kyra can't get Ollie to tell her about himself, she chooses to get a psychic reading from The Wart Lady who has moved indoors because it was dangerous ranting on a milk crate out in the open with black men constantly raining down out of the sky.

The art in this issue is not great. It is also lazy.

I didn't do Dwarf Lover for all those years without learning a little something about copying, pasting, and flipping objects horizontally.

The Wart Lady recognizes Not Pizza Dog from a dream she just had and then proceeds to read his past. Nobody asked her to do that but she does it anyway because she's the crazy Wart Lady of Pike's Place. Maybe once Oliver learns about Not Pizza Dog's past, he'll realize how much closer he feels to the dog. Then he'll realize that's what Kyra wants with him and he'll be forced to break up with her because there's no way he's going to tell her all of his secrets.

The Wart Lady tells a story about an arctic village massacred by wolves because the wolves were hungry. Some mystical native guy decided the wolves needed to be punished for feeling hunger and acting out on the feeling so that they wouldn't die. He kills all of them but the leader of the pack. Instead of killing it, he cuts off its paw and then reattaches the paw and then becomes friends with it. The wolf doesn't wait for its moment where it rips the guy's throat out for killing all of his pack members either, so I think the Wart Lady must be telling the story wrong. Eventually the guy and the wolf are killed by people in skull masks searching for the mystic guy's demon axe. But the story doesn't end there! I mean, it should because the cool characters are dead. But instead The Wart Lady continues as she tells the story of the alpha wolf's half-Siberian Husky pup. It was special because it was now the protagonist of the story. Nobody tells stories about protagonists who aren't special. What kind of stupid moron writer writes stories like that?

"And you've tamed each other," finishes The Wart Lady as she pushes her copy of The Little Prince under the table with the big, warty toe of her left foot.

The Wart Lady mentions that the Bone Hunters are coming for Ollie and that's when Kyra says, "I knew it! You're gay!" Actually, she asks him what's going on and he just says he's going to take off the way a well-adjusted, thoughtful person wouldn't ever do. He says, "Sooner or later, they all say the same thing. And as soon as they get too close, as soon as they treat me like a palm to be read, a ruin to be excavated then it's time to say goodbye." So basically Oliver Queen is an asshole who leads women on with the possibility of a relationship and then blames them when they might actually want to get closer to him and know more about him. What an asshole. Or it could just be that he realized Kyra wasn't as intelligent as he was hoping when she decided that a psychic was a good way to get to know somebody.

On his way home, Ollie and Not Pizza Dog are attacked by The Bone Hunters. Hey! I guess The Wart Lady actually knew what she was talking about. Maybe Oliver should reevaluate Kyra's intelligence. She did happen to choose the only psychic in Seattle who was actually psychic, right?

During the battle, Not Pizza Dog is kidnapped. But Oliver finds a new friend in Tarantula, a woman who was following Ollie and Kyra around all day. She introduces herself as Catalina Flores before she says she's the Tarantula because she doesn't care about secret identities. Although she still goes by a cool superhero name! Unless "Tarantula" isn't cool. It feels like it's kind of a cool and creepy name but since the original Tarantula was a member of the All-Star Squadron, I can't help but think of the character as sucking hard.

Tarantula points out that The Bone Hunters don't want Not Pizza Dog because they need unconditional love. No, they need the dog for his bones. What a surprise twist, right? The Bone Hunters want bones!

Green Arrow #44 Rating: -1 Ranking. In this issue, Green Arrow proves that he's the same old sexist Green Arrow that's been around for a long time, just minus the goatee. But now that he's met a woman in a Tarantula costume, maybe he'll be able to tell her about his past when she starts asking all of those nagging, woman questions like, "Do you love me?" or "What are you thinking?" or "Are you even listening to me?" or "Could you please at least continue doing it to me until I produce an orgasm?" or "Why do we never do anything that I want to do?" or "Why were you out so late and now smell like perfume?" or "Why would I want to date you?" or "Eew! Could you move away from me?" or "Are you staring at me?" or "Do you want me to call the police?" If you were thinking, "Oh! Another comic book with an archer and a dog! I bet this is as good as Hawkeye #11!", you should probably stop thinking that because you would be wrong. I haven't even read Hawkeye #11 and I know this issue isn't as good.

Klarion #4

Even upside down, his pants won't stay up!

Everybody else is doing it, so why shouldn't I? May I now present to you Famous Comic Strips With Ann Nocenti Dialogue! Umm, not that everybody is doing that! But you know, for years, people have been doing things like Nietzsche Family Circus and This Charming Charlie and, in a somewhat different manner but in a way exactly like the other two, Garfield Minus Garfield. For what it's worth, I think Garfield Minus Garfield catches the absurd condition of the existentialist life better than the other two. The Smiths mixed with The Peanuts is too spot on because Charlie Brown already was Morissey. And you can stick anything underneath a Family Circus cartoon and it'll improve it. As Seth Bullock points out in Go, Family Circus just sits there at the bottom of the page waiting to suck.

Okay, that's enough of that! This is why those "take one creation and mash it with another creation but never add anything new to the thing" things never work for me. Because you read the first one and think, "Oh, I get it," and then you don't need to see hundreds of variations on the same idea. I got it! Ha ha! That was funny pairing Nietzsche with the Family Circus. But you know what would be funnier? If I could do it again and again and again!

Plus, I don't think I could read anymore fucking Lockhorn strips. Here is a synopsis of every Lockhorn strip every: one spouse judges the other. Reader thinks, "Holy fucking Christ, why are these two still married?!" That comic is so bad! It was making Ann Nocenti seem like that one writer who wrote really well and was loved by all the critics.

Here's the story in Klarion #4 right up until I almost opened my veins due to reading Lockhorn comic strips: Klarion ditched Zell when they were attacked by Witchhunters. He took off in Beelzebub's muscle car which can open holes in reality. Zell and her new friend, Medusa the Robot Dog, fall into the hole created by the car and everybody escapes the Witchhunters except for one of The Neapolitan Club's Robot Cockroaches.

The characters find themselves in Klarion's Pocket which is the Klarionzone which is also the Klarvoyance which is all the Klarvergence which is also the K-Pocket because Ann Nocenti can never just say one thing and leave it alone. It's always, "I found a dog. A canine. A creature that often eats its own shit." Sometimes she even gets fancy where she says one thing and then follows it up with a few more until she's talking about the thing that she really wanted to talk about which actually has nothing to do with the first thing. It's like when you take a word like "sports" and change one letter at a time forming other words until you get to a completely new word that had nothing to do with the first one but the journey somehow links them together. "Sports::sporks::storks::stores::stones!" Here, let me give you an Ann Nocenti example:

Actually, this is even worse! "Familiars" has nothing to do with "albatrosses" but by stating one and then the other, she tries to fool the reader into believing that all the aspects of "an albatross around someone's neck" are equally valid when describing a familiar.

And then Ann Nocenti does something that nobody has been up in arms about at all! Probably because nobody reads this book. And even though I don't give a shit about policing people's words because only assholes that want to be bullies but feel self-righteous in their bullying do that, I don't like Ann Nocenti's writing so I'll point it out:

Nigget? That's a combination of "nigger" and "midget"! And DC allowed that!?

See, I don't mind this because it's a story and Beelzebub is a devil character who is the Lord of Flies. He wouldn't give two, maybe three shits about what anybody thought about the words he chooses to use. But he's also a character in a teen rated comic book put out by DC Comics who probably don't want everybody up in arms about their insensitivity. I mean, you wouldn't know that from their past history but I'm sure they don't want people calling them out on it! And now a character is calling a whole race of impish creatures "niggets"? I'm offended!

No, not really. But people who are offended by this kind of thing should be offended! So start being offended already! Racism! Dwarfism! Impism!

Anyway, Beez takes Klarion to meet a guy named Swag who...you guessed it...deals in swag! Future swag! From the future! He even has smooth lines to lure in the potential customers!

*KRRRRRAAAAACKKKK!* "Ugh! Ugh! What dat?!" "Dat God bowling! Ugh!" "Ugh! Ugh! What bowling?!" "Not know! God work mysterious ways! Ugh!"

This is probably one of the things I love most about Ann Nocenti's writing. She wants to include the idea of "god-of-the-gaps" where people shout "God!" to answer any question that can't be answered by the current limits of science. If we extrapolate, we should realize that the things we don't know now, we will most probably know in the future. This pushes God further and further out of the equation until there is simply no need for him. But in Ann Nocenti's typical fashion, her methods of introducing topics like this are ham-handed at best. It's like she's taken hours to prepare us a sumptuous meal and when she gets ready to serve it to us, she loads it up in a trebuchet and flings it into our faces.

Swag pressures Klarion into drinking a mysterious glass of alcohol and rape drugs as he answers Klarion's refusal of "I don't drink" with "Hard to do business with a man that don't drink. Oh, but you're just a kid." And after noting that he's giving the drink to a minor, he continues to pressure the minor into drinking. Which is what Klarion does because why not?! Sitting between two creepy grown ass men in a bar inside his Klarvection Oven isn't that weird!

And then big old fucking chubby Zell walks in! Seriously. This character was designed to be chubby. This is DC's idea of chubby. God, we're all so fucking fat!

Oh! I bet Teekl comes flying out of the rafters of Klarion's Klarvent to scratch the shit out of Medusa the Robot Dog that talks like an adorable child! And Teekl will be all, "Take it, bitch!" And Medusa the Robot Dog will be all, "Oh no, please do not do that to me because I would like to be your friend because your butt smells delicious."

Meanwhile, Piper and Noah fly around checking out the Buddybots that have become ubiquitous in New York City.

America has been trying to solve the "old folks die alone and lonely" problem for years!

The conversation between Piper and Noah just reads like Nocenti writing out a list of pros and cons for the Buddybots to be used in this scene. And then instead of deciding where each character stands on the issue, she just throws the pros and cons in dialogue boxes. Also, her pros and cons eventually break down until she forgets what she was writing about and begins listing the pros and cons of living with dogs. And then when she's written enough, she probably scribbles out, "And then they go to bed. End Scene."

Then there's a powerful one page scene where a Pink Elephant Buddybot stops a man from drinking himself to death. It's the most powerful anti-Buddybot piece I've ever read. Unless it was an anti-drinking piece? I don't know! Anyway, Samuel Beckett would have been proud to have written that one page!

Instead of going to bed, Noah and Piper (with help from Agent Lush Moody, Noah's daughter and Witchhunter) head into Klarion's Klarionzone (which just sounds like an eighties arcade) to save them from Beez and Swag.

"Oh Contessa! I love this feeling of revulsion you give me! If only I could be even more revolted by you!"

Maybe Ann Nocenti is a robot that looks and acts nearly like a human and makes everybody at Marvel and DC Comics unbearably uncomfortable. Then one day she heard some people talking about her and heard the term "uncanny valley." So she approached them and asked about it, so they lied to her and told her it was the awesome feeling she gives them whenever she's in the room and they're totally not even remotely disgusted by her ever!

Back in the Klarverse, Swag gives Klarion some free Buddybots from the future so that all of Klarion's friends will get hooked on them! Now Klarion just has to make some friends in the next two issues! But then Piper and Noah arrive to save everybody! I hope they don't forget to grab Teekl on the way out.

Ann Nocenti's synopsis of gender relations. Nails it! 'nuff said!

Apparently the only thing that can save Klarion is true love! But since Klarion made one mistake by ditching Zell, he's already ruined his chances for true love because women never forgive men ever! For anything! For centuries!

Klarion thinks up the only four possible ways the future can go and decides that eating a Future Buddybot is the best choice of his four possible futures. Then the last page might possibly show what happened after Klarion ate a Future Buddybot which summoned Teekl to be his new Buddybot? Maybe? But then Teekl's natural form looks like a Medusa which is just confusing since Zell's Buddybot is named Medusa. Perhaps the Medusa is Zell's Buddybot's natural form or something? I don't know. The last page doesn't really make any sense. Klarion threatens to kill Zell's dog and Zell says, "Whatever the fuck is happening on this last page, please don't!" Or something.

Please read the fucking definition before next issue, Ann.

Klarion #4 Rating: -2 Ranking. I've been way too kind on this title. It's just...and this should come as no surprise to anybody that's read any of Ann Nocenti's DC Comics work...awful. Pure shit. Garbage. Not the magical fairy fantasy that other comic book reviewing sites are saying it is. Lying to your face and making you think there is some kind of mad genius behind it all. There isn't. My favorite part was how awful the art got near the end of the book, as if the artist just finally said, "Fuck it! I can't do this anymore!" and walked off the job.

Futures End: Detective Comics #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, COMICSVERSE presents The Very, Very, Very Intriguing Show with Hosts Steve and The Tub!

Steve: "Good evening, fans of comic books! And you too, Tub!"
The Tub: "Thanks, Steve! Good evening fans and listeners!"
Steve: "We've got a very interesting show for you tonight. We'll be talking Batman as we review Futures End: Detective Comics #1 which was a very, very intriguing and interesting read."
The Tub: "Yes it was. In so many ways!"
Steve: "But first, we should welcome the small handful of new listeners to our show tonight coming over from that very, very horribly hard to understand show, 'HOLY F-WORD! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!'"
The Tub: "What kind of name is that for a show about comic books?"
Steve: "A very, very bad one, obviously. But don't worry.... Um, what is it that Googles called her listeners? Oh! Scanners! Don't worry, Scanners, you'll enjoy this comic book broadcast very, very much."
The Tub: "We'll try to keep it low brow for starters, okay? Ease you all into how we do things here at COMICSVERSE! We like to get truly in-depth when talking about comics, so don't let that scare you off. We appreciate all listeners across the intellectual spectrum! Even Mopers and Dopers."

[Few seconds of silence]

The Tub: "Did that sound insulting?"
Steve: "Not at all, Tub! There's a reason why they were listening to Google's gobbledy-gook transmissions and not our very, very smart and very well-focused show. Anybody that talks like that Googles is obviously of a lower intelligence than those of us whom speak proper English."
The Tub: "That would be 'who speak proper English,' Steve, ya spittin' mope!"
Steve: "Ahuh. Um, right. Um, what? Um, uh, oh, well, yeah! Ha ha! Of course, Tub! Shall we get to the review of Futures End: Detective Comics #1?"
Travis: "Let's bust this cherry!"
Steve: "Whoa, whoa. Be mindful that kids are very much listening, Tub. Shall we begin with a very in-depth look at page one?"

Steve: "Very intriguing right from the start with the very, very interesting and very unique villain, Calendar Man!"

The Tub: "Did you just say 'very unique'? Besides the expression being nonsensical, it doesn't really apply, does it? He's just like every other Batman villain that picks a ridiculous theme and then sticks to that theme no matter how little it helps in committing crime."
Steve: "Tub, this isn't really a debate show, you know? It's like improv. You don't negate the other person's views. Comicsverse has a very unique way of doing things that ensures DC Comics, subsidiary of Realfeel™ Sphincters, continues to send us free comic books to review and continues to pay for our space to broadcast. And enough cash to eat food that doesn't have "rat" as the first ingredient."
The Tub: "Well, sure, but calling Calendar Man interesting? Are you sure you want to have your artistic integrity tied to that statement?"
Steve: "Just...just follow my lead, okay? I know you're fairly new to this but that's exactly why you should trust me, okay? Take a deep breath, and let's continue."
The Tub: "Okay, okay. May I give my feelings on page one now?"
Steve: "Shoot a rainbow!"
The Tub: "What?"
Steve: "Um, go ahead."
The Tub: "The first page sets the tone. Gotham is still a dark, ambiguous place. On one hand, derelict buildings--covered in graffiti, weathered posters, broken boards, and a general miasma of filth and grit--seem to crowd their way past the sidewalks to overflow into the streets. And on the other, great big displays of high tech electronics and television screens attempt to light the darkness in a bluish-green glow from a constant barrage of media images. But they can only brighten the literal dark as the metaphorical darkness of the city is only compounded by the news reports flashed across every screen. Imminent threats. Dangers. Madmen. Fear! It might be the future but this is still the same old Gotham birthed years ago by the doula known as Edward Nygma."
Steve: "That's very, um, very astute of you, Tub! And quite an interesting take on page one. Although you failed to mention how exciting it is to see that this is going to be a Calendar Man story!"
The Tub: "Yeah, yeah. With Calendar Man."
Steve: "On to pages two and three which are a full spread of Batman flying through the rain on a new Bat-gadget which, as we'll see, doubles as a Bat-drill!"

Steve: "At this point, we learn Calendar Man is a real threat that even Batman is taking seriously! Very intriguing stuff! You literally have to ask, 'How did he get so powerful?'"

The Tub: "Well, you don't literally have to ask yourself that. But you might be literally yawning after this moment."
Steve: "Ha ha! Oh, come on now, Tubs! We've seen not very interesting D-List villains turned into major bad guys time and again! It's a literal staple of the comic book industry! It's a very intriguing device!"
The Tub: "Yeah, okay. You know what this moment also sets up? It sets up the end where the person Calendar Man wanted all along was The Riddler although this moment makes it seem ambiguous and the reader is expected to believe that Batman is the person Calendar Man wants."
Steve: "Tub! Spoilers!"
The Tub: "How are we supposed to do in-depth, intellectual reviews if we can't spoil the story? That's nonsense. Look, for this story to work, Calendar Man can never give any kind of details about who ruined his life. The story breaks down if he says, 'I want the person that is responsible for the blackout because my wife died due to the blackout and that's when my life ended.' But the story has already broken down when we are expected to believe that the Gotham Police haven't asked any appropriate questions to determine who that person is. It would take just one small detail from Calendar Man to destroy the entire conceit of this story."
Steve: "But Batman says right here on these pages, he says, 'The GCPD can't even get into Arkham Island to negotiate.' See? How can they learn more?"
The Tub: "Stop filling the gaps for the comic book, Steve. If Calendar Man can get the message that he wants the person responsible for destroying his family into their hands, he can easily point out who that person is. According to the end of the story, he knows he wants The Riddler. But the story has to keep it ambiguous to make the reader think he wants Matches Malone."
Steve: "But didn't you at least find it very interesting how The Batman used Edward's own ego against him so that The Riddler would agree to come along to Arkham Island with Batman?"
The Tub: "I did like that the story was written in such a way that you can tell Batman knows that Calendar Man wants The Riddler and thus manipulates The Riddler to come along with him. But at that point, you also have to accept that Batman barely cares about his vow to never kill. He knows what's going to happen to The Riddler when he gives him up. Even The Riddler knows, as evidenced  by the scene where Edward points out that Calendar Man is going to kill Batman. Batman, once again, uses and manipulates other people so that they wind up with blood on their hands just so that he doesn't have to wash."

Steve: "But wasn't the very interesting revelation by Calendar Man about his motives very intriguing?"

The Tub: "Oh Jesus Christ, you know what? Fuck Calendar Man. And fuck this horseshit."

[Several seconds of frantic, hushed whispers, and the scraping of a hand trying to cover up the microphone. Then the loud, easily recognizable sound of a pistol being cocked]

The Tub: "Shut the fuck up, Steve. I've fucking had enough of your Comicsverse method of reviewing comic books. Not every single fucking thing is 'very interesting' or 'very intriguing.' You can't just fucking do a review by saying things were 'intellectual' or 'depressing' or 'inspiring.' You have to fucking tell the listeners how the comic accomplished those things. Be fucking specific, you asshole. Stop praising the fucking comic book companies because you want them to spread their fucking legs for you and your little shit review site. They don't fucking care about you or the fans! All they fucking want to do is make money, so when they're trying to make money by horseshit, like portraying Calendar Man as some kind of serious threat to Batman and Gotham City, you have to call them out on their shit! This shit is crazy stupid, okay?! He's a fucking asshole that got his shit beat in the dirty men's room in a lousy bar by a fucking madman in a fake mustache! He is not The Joker. He is not Bane. He's not even fucking Emperor Penguin! He named himself after a fucking piece of shit, throwaway, bank freebie pile of papers with pictures of frolicking kittens on it that you hang on the wall so you can fucking remember when to pay your fucking bills! He is an idiot."
Steve: "Whoa, whoa. Sorry, Tubs. Sorry, man. But, um, you can put the gun down, right? We're good here. We're okay. We're just talking about a comic book."
The Tub: "That's another fucking thing that drives me crazy. Have you looked out of a window lately? Why the fuck are we discussing comic books when that...that...that...fuck! I don't even know what to call what's going on out there! We may as well be calling it The Dusty Stretches ourselves. It's like entropy just squatted down over the Earth and took a big fucking dump on all of us."
Steve: "I, for one, am just trying to survive, okay? I...we get paid for this, Tubs! This gives us a life. Why would you be willing to throw that away for artistic integrity? You'd rather live down on the streets with the psychopaths and the mentally ill and the ones that have just given up all hope? It's a crap shoot down there and the only way to survive is to keep rolling seven every hour on the hour or you're done. You are done! If I have to suck down buckets of DC Comics' jizz to keep myself safe and fed, well gargle gargle gargle, okay? OKAY?! You think I'm proud of this Comicsverse bullshit? I'm just fucking scared, all right?! I'm goddamned frightened every fucking minute of every fucking day and this is how I'm getting by!"
The Tub: *laughing*
Steve: "What? Is that...oh thank God. Thank you for putting the gun away. Jesus Christ, Tubs. What the fuck?"
The Tub: "That's better, Steve. Now that's fuckin' radio. People don't want your shit, happy-go-lucky reviews. You think, DC Comics thinks, Marvel Moguls Inc thinks, Dynamite Jizzbang thinks, all this popular media thinks, every one of them...they think what the masses want is denial and distraction from the overpowering despair closing in around us all. But what the people want...what those 'lower voices' need...is solidarity, man. They need to know we're all feeling it. And that we're all ready to do something about it. Also, they might just love to fucking crucify a scapegoat every now and then."
Steve: "You think? A scapegoat? Like...what? Like a modern day crucifixion?"
The Tub: "That's what I was thinking. But the people that need to be crucified? We'll never find them."
Steve: "I'm going to lose my job, aren't I?"
The Tub: "Sometimes, you don't know what you've got until the lousy fucking thing blocking what you've got is finally fucking gone. Be glad. But your Comicsverse broadcast is probably going to be shut down as soon as DC Comics can send some Press Troops down here. So let's use the time we have left for one simple message to the lower voices."
Steve: "What's that, Tubs? What's...oh shit, did you hear that?"
The Tub: "Listen up, Scanners! Lower Voices! All you downtrodden and tired and miserable. This city, Old York, it ain't yours. None of them are yours. You might seem to cover every surface like a sticky, sugared kitchen full of ants. But the people running this town and reaping all the benefits? The ones that can afford to sprinkle just enough sugar to keep you around, keep you satisfied, keep you busy with the things they need from you? They're hiding deep. They have luxuries you wouldn't believe. They can hide from you until the cows evolve sentient intelligence. We'll never crucify not one of 'em. But there's something they can't run from. Fire. Burn it down, mother fuckers. Burn Old York to the fucking ground, you hear me?"

[Sound of cracking wood and shouting. Small pops, possibly gunfire]

The Tub: "Burn all the fucking cities down because they aren't yours! Remember old Saint Lois, you Mopes! In the first round trip? That's the only way to get rid of these parasites, these louses, these fuckity fucked up bed bugs! Ya gots ta burn this city...all the cities...right down to its bare bones. And git the fuck out. Git out ta tha countrysides. Git out ta dem rolling fuckity hills and plains, ya feels? BURN THIS SHIT DOWN AND GET THE FUCK OUT!"
Steve: "Who...who the fuck are you?"
The Tub: "Been known as Dayton. Some called me Reaper there for a few round trips, most recent. But those knew me best, thems what I keeps close in my hearts...they almays called me The Prof."
Steve: "Wait...what are you doing?"
The Tub: "Just take it. You can pull a trigger, right boy? I'm getting the fuck outta here alive. You wanna live? Come along, Steve. I find you very intriguing. Just remember when they break though: aim for center mass. Ain't no Kevlar made can stand up against Old Prof's homemade bang-bangs."

[Loud cracking followed by gunfire, screams, shouting]

The Tub, voice fading with distance: "Damn. Fine shooting, Steve. You'll do great, if you survive that wound. Come along. There's a girl I want you to meet. Got a way with plots, plans, and secret messages. Best I ever di...."

[Hours of silence before another voice can be heard]

New Voice: "It can't be him. He was gone long before her gang obliterated all traces of St. Louis. If he's alive...if she's been playing us this whole time.... Fuck. We've got some...is this shit still on?"

[Loud gunfire followed by static]

All Star Western #33

"Painting the town dead" is a play on the phrase "Painting the town for the low, low cost of $100."

I've generally stayed away from reblogging non-comic book related things on Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. And I'll mostly keep it that way on the Blogspot version. But I figure it's time to embrace the tumblr part of tessatechaitea.tumblr.com! I constantly see blog posts that I think are fucking idiotic and simple-minded and I choose not to respond. But I've held my piece for too long! Unless the phrase is "held my peace!" But I think it's "held my piece" as in "holstering my gun" meaning that I have refused to shoot idiots in the face for far too long now. It's time to go to war because I've stopped holding my peace! Draw, motherfuckers!

I think I might be letting Jonah Hex get to my head a little bit. Whenever I watch or read a Western, I immediately want to go out and find somebody that I can pretend is breaking the law just so I can bring them to imaginary justice. Mostly I just hide behind a wall and say, "Stop, ya varmint!" Then I run away as fast as I can while high-fiving myself for a job well done. But it's time to step up my game! Next time I see some punk doing something that, if I squint just right, I can imagine is horrendous, I'll yell, "Reap the whirlwind, misfit!" And then I won't run away at all! I'll just glare at them as they point at themselves, then look over their shoulder to see if I might be talking about somebody else, then look back at me confused, shrug, and walk away. Justice!

This issue begins with Tallulah and Jonah tied up and captured by brigands! Unless they're bandits. Maybe they're just thoroughly despicable rakes. Anyway, I think Jonah might actually die in this story! It would be okay if he did, seeing as how he is a stranger in a strange time and there's an alternate (perhaps more real?) version of himself already living in this Old West. It would be quite the exciting way for All Star Western to end! I'm a huge fan of stories where the main character is killed in the end. That's why I like the New Testament so much.

I wish Quentin Tarantino would make a version of The Greatest Story Ever Told. Except where would he fit in the word "nigger"?

After this is cancelled, DC will eventually put out another Western title, perhaps Weird Western Tales. And hopefully that one will showcase Tallulah as the main character. Or Jenny Freedom!

Last issue, Merle the brigandit chief promised Jonah and Tallulah that today would be their last day. I pointed out that that would be a hard promise to keep. And I think it really will be now that this idiot and his men have untied Jonah and Tallulah and pulled them out from underneath their horses. I guess he doesn't want his gang members gossiping back in town that he killed a couple of helpless people like a great yellow coward.

Getting back to this idea about Tarantino directing a film about the Bible, I'm already seeing a scene where Moses comes down off the mountain with his huge stone tablets to find his people worshiping a big tittied cow idol. "Motherfuckers!" he mutters as he descends howling, one stone tablet over his head. He enters the camp and begins bashing in the skulls of the idolators with the stone tablet, blood and gore flying everywhere as he's screaming like a madman. One slow motion shot shows the tablet descending to explode the head of a mother with her child sucking at her tit, the engraving on the tablet plainly reading as it whizzes by, "Thous Shalt Not Kill."

Later, Moses never makes it to the Promised Land because God is tired of his filthy mouth. Instead, Moses is kidnapped by a Babylonian who imprisons him in a dungeon with some guy dressed all in leather with a strange marking on his forehead. He approaches him ominously as Moses is hogtied and bent over an altar with his robe pulled up to reveal his naked ass. "Shouldn't've shown your face this side of Eden, pops. I am going to make you squeal like a filthy animal." A terrified look comes across Moses's face as the camera shoots up through the ground and into the sky, pans across the landscape, and descends on Moses's people as they're entering the Promised Land. They pause and look up quizzically as just the hint of a tortured scream, somewhat like the squeal of a pig, descends upon them.

I think I should write up this screenplay and send it to somebody! It's a winner!

Anyway, back to All Star Western, Jonah Hex winds up blowing holes in all the outlaws because that's what always happens.

Amen, Jonah! And those men what don't understand women? They wind up dead!

Jonah and Tallulah head back to the town that stole their bounty only to find that the town got a little of the old tit for tat. Or something. What I'm trying to say in a way that isn't just coming right out and say it is that somebody stole the bounty from them as well. It was a gang of masked men which means one of them was probably Alterna-Jonah Hex.

And if one of them was, he's dead now because Jonah and Tallulah and a little boy killed them all.

The little boy takes a mortal wound but lasts long enough to tell Jonah a sob story about the town needing the bounty money for medicine. So Jonah decides to do the right thing. He heads off to collect the bounty while Tallulah remains behind to comfort the boy as he dies.

Jonah and Tallulah return to the town to find they're too late to save any but one old woman with the medicine. They head off into the mountains to try to get a few days rest before heading back out on the bounty trail. And then the next month blurb states, "The Death of Jonah Hex!" Well, I'd expect no less. It's just a matter of which one dies though, isn't it?

All Star Western #33 Rating: No change. I love westerns and All Star Western does western well. There's gun fights and mouth fights and fist fights and fuck fights and all sorts of fights you'd expect on the edges of civilization! And there are two characters that take control of their destinies and destiny the control of their...shit. I kind of got tangled up in my review words. Fuck it. I suck at the actual reviewing part of the comic book reviews. I'm much better at picturing Jesus Christ on the cross about to be stabbed in the side by a spear. But then he pulls his feet free from the crucifix, a nail still in each foot, and strangles the Roman with his legs, securing his grip by piercing the Roman's chest with his feet nails. As the Roman dies, he drops the spear which Jesus kicks up with his foot to catch in his teeth. He then uses it to slice through his wrist and free his left hand. Then he swings around and uses his weight to pull his other hand free, nail still embedded in his wrist. He does a flip and lands, balanced, on the top of the crucifix as the Romans charge and the other crucified thieves cheer him on! He takes out the first Roman with a well-placed toss of his crown of thorns and the Roman's head goes flying as Jesus flying kicks into the throng, kicking and punching and blasting holes in the Roman's with the nails still embedded in his hand and feet! The bloody, gory scene lasts for about twenty minutes until Jesus is standing on a pile of dead Romans and the Jews surrounding him are cheering and chanting, "King of the Jews! King of the Jews!" The credits begin to roll and the scene fades out until all the actors' names have passed by. Then Jesus reappears standing above a crowd with a giant cross in one hand as he screams, "Today, we march on Rome!" Then the scene fades out again and stark white writing appears that says, "The Greatest Story Ever Told II: Baptism of Blood."

I'd like to thank Doom Bunny for co-writing the Modern Bible Story bits!

All Star Western #32

Last issue's cover incorrectly portrayed Jonah with his old scars. This cover incorrectly portrays Tallulah as having no scars. That must be what idiots refer to as "equal time."

You know how people say you can't really change anybody's mind through discussion and rational debate? People generally need some kind of emotional connection to get them to reconsider some long-held belief before they even begin to possibly start to maybe rethink their position. The most you can usually hope to do is plant a seed in the other person's mind and hope they don't uproot it immediately and piss all over it to make sure it's dead. But I have a sure fire way of getting people to instantly question their own beliefs! It might take a little effort but isn't it worth it to stop your sibling from believing some stupid shit that you totally don't believe and think that everybody else should believe as well?

Here's what you do! The person whose mind you want to change probably severely dislikes certain types of people. Maybe they hate liberals or dirty hippies or business men in three piece suits or Jews. You'll want to hire a few people belonging to the group that your antagonist hates and make sure they'll be at a table in a cafe or restaurant that you and your antagonist can sit next to. Then you have them loudly discuss the subject that you and your antagonist have been discussing. Make sure you've paid your actors enough so they don't fuck it all up though! So the actors should be speaking in general terms without defending either side of the argument. Your antagonist will probably assume they're going to be on your side of the argument and roll his eyes and maybe make jerk-off motions as he eavesdrops. That's when your actors should start vehemently supporting his side! They should be rabid in their support of the subject! They should make claims that your antagonist has made but with even more passion and certainty! Then the actors should just quiet down and change the subject or just get the fuck out or whatever. Then you don't even mention it. Don't continue talking about the subject. Just ignore it. If your antagonist wants to bring it up, just hand wave the suggestion away and begin looking at the menu. You've now got your antagonist wondering why the fuck he agrees with the dirtbags that just left! He'll question and explore his reasons for believing what he believes because it's too horrible to think that they think the same way that he does! The next time your antagonist brings up the discussion, play a little middle of the road. Ease your antagonist along slowly. Maybe touch your antagonist's hand lightly and say, "It's a complicated matter." If eventually your antagonist continues to believe the same thing your antagonist has always believed, you should just stab your antagonist in the throat and be done with the matter.

Meanwhile in the Old West, Jonah Hex has been busy catching hoodlums to pay for his big bounty hunting expedition where he hunts down himself.

Ten thousand?! Just retire and forget about evil Jonah Hex!

Well, Jonah doesn't have the ten thousand yet and it doesn't look like he's going to get it any time soon since the entire town owns guns and the entire town wants to shoot some strangers. Did they miss the sign with the name of the town on it on the way in? I bet it read:

FUCKYOU
Population: None of your Gotdamn Business.

Luckily for Hex and Black, the town doesn't actually want to shoot anybody. They just want to take Blackthorne's ten thousand dollar bounty for themselves.

Unluckily for the townsfolk, they don't actually want to shoot anybody.

When Jonah and Tallulah wake up tied to their horses miles outside of town, Tallulah feels it's a perfect time to tell a story about a lucky shotgun. Hell, she's not wrong! Any time is right for a story about a lucky shotgun!

I'd repeat the story here but it's not the right time for it.

A preacher and his wife happen upon Jonah and Tallulah and quite aptly fail to untie them. They do give them a bit of Biblical advice which I'm sure is the next best thing to being rescued.

That preacher is going to do well for himself out west. He's just the right amounts of cautious and ornery.

Actually the preacher doesn't do as well as I thought since come morning, Jonah and Tallulah's horses bring them upon the preacher and his wife getting the crap kicked out of them by some thugs. Maybe he had too much ornery and not enough cautiousness! And since Jonah and Tallulah don't really have a say in the amount of cautiousness they can currently employ, they ride up on the thugs and quickly have their horses shot out from under them. Fucking dicks. I bet that was Tallulah's lucky horse!

That's going to be a hard promise to keep, sir!

All Star Western #32 Rating: No change. I thoroughly enjoy this book just about every month and would make it the #1 ranked comic book if I could! But I can't because the math behind the rankings can't just be fudged for one book without completely collapsing the underlying equation that keeps the rest of the New 52 sorted! So just understand while this might not be the best book of The New 52, it is definitely my current favorite. It wins the Tess's Pick Award for Outstanding Amorality and Shoot Em Up Bang Bang Times!

All Star Western #28

What kind of quack doctor would save a guy's life after being hit by a semi-truck and choose to do plastic surgery on a facial wound that was obviously long past healed and scarred over? I bet Hex gets billed for it too.

I'm disappointed that Moritat's name isn't on the cover. I'm also disappointed that I've heard this book has been cancelled. Hell, I'm actually surprised it survived this long. It's been a fun book with one of the most interesting characters of The New 52's launch. I can still hope that Gray and Palmiotti eventually write the novel, Face Full of Violence by Amadeus Arkham.

The EMTs that found Hex at the scene of the crash believe that the accident took off half his face, so they call ahead to have a reconstruction specialist waiting at the hospital. That's all well and good because Hex's face is probably covered in blood and road rash. But if a specialist takes a look at that mess, he's going to notice all the scarring and healed over bits mixed in with the new scrapes and contusions. Although my only medical experience is playing Operation and I never took a turn where I had to reconstruct the guy's face. Although his nose really seemed inflamed. With that and all the weird shit in the guy's body, he must have been an alcoholic circus geek.

Hex winds up in a coma but not before he gets a new face put on! Meanwhile Gina comes to visit him every day for a month hoping that he'll get better. At least she has all the treasure they dug up to pay for her new life in Metropolis. And probably the medical bills. I doubt Hex has insurance.

So far this issue looks and reads like an old sixties comic about nursing. "NIGHT NURSE! The night ward will never be the same!"

After about two or three months, Jonah Hex wakes up and, well, that's about it. I guess Gina is happy. But the world doesn't give a shit. Nothing changes. All the boring shit we all do every day, we still do. One man just happened to get lucky and come back to conscious reality. Lucky him.

The doctor informs Jonah that he'll remove the bandages on his face so Hex can get a good look at the reconstructive surgery. I guess they just left the old bandages on because they needed written consent to remove them. Even though his face had healed weeks ago. "Oh, just leave it covered! It'll be a nice surprise when he wakes up! Like unwrapping a present!"

I bet he doesn't even recognize himself! Not because the scars are gone but because Moritat isn't drawing him.

Actually, the doctor explains why the bandages are still on his face right before removing them. Whatever. We know it was so the reader could get a nice reveal partway through the comic book. Unless they looked at the cover before reading and saw the spoiler about his face.

I have to say I liked him better before.

Once Tallulah sees the wonders of modern plastic surgery, she's going to want to take a trip into the future as well! She's got plenty of scars she might want touched up. Although I think she's beautiful the way she is. At least the way Moritat drew her! Staz and Fabrizio might not do her justice. They definitely aren't doing Hex justice! But then he shouldn't look good. He should look rough and drawn as if by an artist from the seventies.

Hex is allowed to leave the hospital with Gina the next day and they run into Booster Gold in the parking lot. He's finally allowed back into the DC Universe! Hex greets him by taking his hat back and punching him in the face. Is that a standard DC greeting that I just haven't been privy to? Booster doesn't offer up any stories about where he's been. He just gets right down to the business of helping Hex get home.

This sucks. I wanted to see The House of Secrets. I guess I have to make due with its appearance in DC Universe vs. the Masters of the Universe.

Check out Booster's junk in that first panel! I don't know why he's pointing to it.

Jonah and Gina find themselves in the middle of nowhere back in his own time. They also find themselves surrounded by Native Americans. Jonah tries to explain how he was raised by the Apache but it seems everyone is familiar with his legend. And everybody knows that Jonah bears the mark of the demon on his face. So they just figure he's lying and decide to kill him and take Gina. Well, if they won't believe he's Jonah by his words, maybe they'll believe him by his actions. Of course, you can't really believe anything with a bullet in your head.

All Star Western #28 Rating: No change. No House of Secrets? Come on! This story feels like a change in the plot to compensate for cancellation! Stop with the House of Secrets story and just get Jonah back to the past. Also give him a new face because one of the best things about this reboot that is just starting to show itself is that it's not afraid to change shit up. Instead of keeping the status quo for years and years, DC seems to be allowing characters to really change. Hex no longer has the iconic look. Two-face is dead and about to be replaced by Erin McKillemall. The Guardians of the Universe are dead and gone. Oa is destroyed. The Teen Titans fucking suck. Catwoman doesn't understand cats. The New 52 is finally acting new!

The Creeper #1

I expected to scan this cover and just get a gigantic lens flare.

I'm just going to read all of these in random order, so lets get Ann Nocenti's amazing piece of crap out of the way first. Bonus: Story by Dan DiDio!

So back in the 16th Century Japan which is a time when there were Japanese people and it was the 16th Century, a small boy named Jakku allowed a demon to live behind his tongue. "It's okay, Jakku," it would say when his father would begin drinking too much and verbally abusing the rest of the family. "Everything will be okay, Jakku." Jakku would waggle his finger and speak in a raspy voice when he was being the demon. Or pretending to be the demon, the Ninja Therapist his parents took him to would say. "You see, Mister and Missus Jakku, your son is suffering from a disassociated personality. He's escaping what he finds to be an insufferable home life that doesn't provide him the adequate feeling of love and safety needed for a young boy his age. Might I suggest a long, extended vacation? Perhaps to a monastery up on Mt. Fuji? They're completely isolated in the worst parts of winter and I hear one of them needs a caretaker for the winter while the monks go on a religious sojourn. Perhaps you and your family could go there and bond." The family thought this was a divine idea, especially the mother! Jakku's father decided he could get some Haiku writing done in the peace and stillness of the deserted monastery. But Jakku was worried that a change in locale would not confer a change in his father's attitude. "I don't want to go, Mr. Jakku," complained the demon before killing Jakku's family and the entire village leaving Jakku to wonder how he, alone, remained alive. "It will be okay," said the demon. "Everything will be okay."

I fucking can't stand arbitrary chaos! Give me well-scheduled and orderly chaos every fucking time!

For twenty years, Jakku's demon made him do horrible, terrible things but then left the blame on a passing tornado every time. But that did not fool The Mad Samurai! And since the Mad Samurai didn't know that Jakku's Demon had already explained why it chose Jakku on the first page, The Mad Samurai repeats the story on the third page. But you'd have thought that Ann Nocenti would have noticed.

So the Mad Samurai destroys Jakku and his little demon buddy. I think the Mad Samurai's name is Halloran and he wields the Soultaker Sword!

I'm pretty excite for Doctor Sleep, the sequel to The Shining set to be released this month!

So The Mad Samurai fought his way to the top of the Sword Clan of the Outsiders. He says he was crazy and he says crazy people know they're crazy. But he can't speak for all crazy people. He can only speak for himself. I suspect it's more that crazy people, at times of greater lucidity, suspect that they might be crazy. Like Philip K. Dick!

In my later years when I'm somehow recounting the tale of my death, I'm going to be sure to use a lot of sexual euphemisms.

Once inside the Soultaker sword, The Mad Samurai was tortured by The Creeper as was every other soul which was inside the blade. But only a few matter because they're characters that have been set loose from the sword over in Katana, like Maseo and Mona Shard and probably the Dragon thing that Killer Croc is supposed to be turning into his best friend.

Eventually the story begins to repeat shit from Katana. As if I ever needed to revisit that garbage! For some reason, The Creeper decides to possess a corpse. I'm not saying that I think that's stupid since this is a comic book but I am typing it: that's fucking stupid. But I suppose since The Phantom Stranger got him killed for The Font in the Sky's mysterious purposes, The Font in the Sky miraculously kept Jack Ryder's body in a state of near death and perfectly sealed freshness.

Once The Creeper possesses Jack Ryder (a feat known as "riding" which Ann Nocenti will never let us fucking forget. "I'm gonna ride this!" "Gotta go find a body to ride!" "Ride 'em if ya got 'em!" "Ride, ride, ride, ride, ride, ride, ride!"), it goes on a random spree of chaotic randomness. It's truly terrible for all of the boring people trying to live boring lives who don't fucking care about things that ambitious people actually think everybody cares about. How dare people just want to raise a family and have a quiet life?! Ugh! So fucking boring! You should be out burning shit down or drinking a lot or yelling "WOOOO!" everywhere you to prove to everybody around you that you're living an exciting life!

I really don't like The Creeper. I have the smallest inkling of suspicions that it's because Ann Nocenti is writing him though.

Some stuff happens and people say Ryder is dead and other people say Ryder isn't dead. Then some other stuff happens and people say Ryder is dead and other people say Ryder is not dead. Then some sort of different stuff happens and people say Ryder is dead and other people say Ryder is not dead.

I can't tell if Jack Ryder is dead or not!

Whatever the case, The Creeper begins forcing people to commit atrocities overnight so that Jack Ryder can report on them in the morning. I don't think that's the Creeper's main reason; he just likes arbitrary chaos. But that's what happens anyhow. And then one night, The Creeper gets tired of letting humans have all the fun and he flips the fuck out on San Francisco.

If I could make one wish, I wouldn't waste it on world peace. I'd wish that Ann Nocenti would never write another line of dialogue for the rest of my life. Yes, my life. When I die, she can get back to it.

Then Jack Ryder experiences the same sense of grief and loss and survivor's guilt that little Jakka Torrance felt way back in 16th Century Japan. Get it? They were both named Jack! Hee hee hee hee! THE CREEPER!

The Creeper #1 Rating: Fuck you! I'm not rating this piece of shit! We do all realize that this is our only life, right? Because I don't think I've fully comprehended it yet. Why else would I spend so much of my finite awareness in this universe on Ann Nocenti's writing?! What the fuck is wrong with me? I must be punishing myself for some past sin that I can't quite remember. Or can remember but won't tell on a blog without first researching the statute of limitations on the punishment for that sin!

One non-Ann Nocenti thing that I did learn while reading this comic book is that it doesn't really matter which comic book the Villain has taken over because they're only tentatively linked to each other. So The Creeper is a magic creature so he gets to take over Justice League Dark. Even though it would have been better off if this were an issue of Katana. My guess is that DC actually wanted to sell some copies of The Creeper #1, so they didn't want to tie it to that crapfest Katana.

Katana #7

In this issue, Katana decides which man better completes her.

Will Tatsu be known as Katanas from now on? She just had her Soultaker reforged and she's not using it? Because I'm fairly certain Soultaker doesn't have a hilt like these swords. It has kind of a melted demon face motif going on or something. Anyway, I hope Katana kills Sickle and exorcises Maseo.

This issue is called, "What happened THAT night?" What night?! What did I miss? What the fuck are you on about, Ann Nocenti?!

Shun the Untouchable, the Tattoo Artist missing a foot and possessed by a little girl spirit, is visiting Junko the Drunken Master. I think Shun is missing a foot. I should probably remember plot points better since I'm constantly claiming to be a master comic book reader. I suppose I'm not staking Master Comic Book Rememberer territory! I'd look through my back issues of Katana but I'm using my comic book boxes for a foot rest, so that's not going to happen.

At least I know my limits.

Whew. All I had to do was turn the page!

I thought maybe the line about Shun biting down on the stick like a dog was about her foot being cut off. But she's also an untouchable sex slave, so she really could have been describing her Saturday night. I really shouldn't make light of sex slaves being treated like dogs since it's a terrible, horrible, vicious problem in this world. Why, I wonder, does anybody try to portray masturbation in a negative light when celebrating its usefulness might actually put a small dent in the amount of sexual crimes on this planet. Let's celebrate masturbation! You know Holi, the Festival of Colours? We should have something like in America except for masturbation.

You know what? On second thought, that celebration might actually wind up causing sexual crimes. Or, at the very least, a horribly sticky mess.

Tatsu examines the rest of Shun's tattoos and discovers that there are more Outsider Clans than just the Sword Clan! One of the tattoos is a Green Arrow. Like her partner in Justice League of America! And then while searching Shun's body, she makes a horrifying discovery!

I think that's what I said when I first saw one too.

Of course Ann Nocenti doesn't reveal what Katana has discovered. Nocenti comes from the school of writers who like to use Undramatic Irony. That's where a character in the story knows some horrible or interesting or amazing secret that the reader never gets to learn. But the character makes sure the reader knows that she knows something or has discovered something, like in the panel above. Sometimes Lobdell a writer will have a character think, "I hope nobody discovers my secret!" And the reader is supposed to scoot to the edge of her seat and wait for the exciting reveal of the secret. I hate this shit when a bad writer is doing it. It just makes me think, "Oh, Ann Nocenti has no idea where her stupid fucking story is going but she has to create some kind of dramatic tension, so she lets the reader see the character be shocked by something and then leaves it at that."

Now I haven't moved past that last panel, so maybe Ann Nocenti will have Katana Narration Box what she discovered immediately on the next page. But I have a feeling that's not going to happen. In the meantime, please join me in Tales of Fucked Up Narration, won't you?

These Narration Boxes aren't so bad. But let's begin with these as a control.

Katana, if you don't believe the lies of the tattoo artist and you also think the woman with the tattoos is crazy, why the fuck do you keep going back to her for information? Oh, I remember! Because Ann Nocenti comes from yet another school of writers known as the School of Movement Through Prophecy. In this school, stories do not evolve organically from a protagonist's motivations or flaws or desires. The protagonist is moved like a pawn on a chessboard by outside influences telling the protagonist what is likely to occur in the future. The television show Heroes is one of the best examples of this horror. If you take away all visions of the future, the story never fucking happens. So Katana needs the tattoos to motivate her and keep some forward movement in the comic book.

But apparently Nocenti doesn't need to rely on the Mystery Tattoo (or genitalia) that Tatsu observed earlier. Because Katana still has to infiltrate the Sword Clan after several issues of trying and nearly succeeding and then beginning a new issue so that Katana forgot she was succeeding and needed to begin again. So here we are back at Square Fucking One: Katana needing to infiltrate the Sword Clan.

Immediately after the previous Narration Boxes, Tatsu is buzzed by a falcon.

Here Tatsu has three conversations in her head at once. "Trained falcon. Seemed deliberate. Great weapon." I'm hoping that she puts them together on the next page because I can't figure out the mystery! I think she's reading too much into it. Birds attack my face all the time! It's nothing.

Katana decides that she's too busy right now to investigate the falcon, so she'll follow it's trail back to its master tomorrow. I'm not sure how you follow the trail of a bird a day later but then I'm not Japanese. Or a woman. Or a warrior. It's probably one of those things that enables her to follow a falcon's day old trail. Unless it's just the bird shit.

I think that's just an Urban Legend!

Oh! Oh! I know this story! I know what happens next!

My favorite part of the story is when the woman you're supposed to be rescuing kicks you in the head and kills you.

In a previous commentary, I explained how I don't spend enough time discussing the art, so this paragraph will try to rectify that. The art fucking sucks.

That wasn't very constructive! I should try harder. Um, I like the hands. The hands are usually drawn well. The faces are terrible though. It's like Sanchez draws from the feet up and when he gets to the neck, he falls apart and loses all talent. Perhaps his college could only afford headless nude models in anatomy class?

No, you know what. For once I'm not going to express my opinion as uncontested fact. Alex Sanchez's style just doesn't suit me. I am not enjoying it. But it's his style and it isn't as if he can't draw. He's definitely very good at it. His style just doesn't hit my sweet spot. I'll leave the exact location of my sweet spot to your imagination.

It's my testicles!

After being attacked by the falcon, Tatsu stumbles upon the Japantown Brothel on fire. The prostitutes flee to find a better life while Madame Yoko declares Japantown is over. Yeah, all the fucking hipsters ruined it, coming around with their Japanese monster t-shirts and their One Cup Sake. It was an uncool place to hang out and feel cool before it became a cool place to hang out because it was so uncool. Oh, and don't refer to the Japanese monsters on their t-shirts as Japanese monsters because they've figured out that they're called Kaiju thanks to Pacific Rim and they'll sneer at you and smirk at their friends if you call them "Japanese Monsters." Although they'll do the same thing if you call them "Kaiju" and just remark how you probably only know that due to Pacific Rim.

I miss the Kaiju Cafe on Belmont in Portland. They had delicious vegetarian paninis and Japanese monsters. Oh! I think I have a picture of me there but I doubt you can see any Japanese Monsters!

You can see some toys in the other room but that was The Missing Link. Although they had monsters too! This was immediately after my first hair cut in probably twenty years.

And just for comparison's sake, here I am twenty years ago in my Lobo shirt and on acid. I was sober in the first picture.

Katana also finds out that her place of employment has been completely trashed as well. So she decides her best move is to get the fuck away from anybody else that can get hurt by her proximity. But first she has to check in on Junko and Shun since they've been in her sphere of influence recently. They're just having a barbecue.

Goddammit! Ann Nocenti's Knowledge Fun Farm is already airing repeats! We already learned about Rope-a-dope!

After the barbecue and a brief scene showing that Jack Ryder is still drunk and uninteresting (even if he is possessed by The Creeper), Katana and Shun head out to join the Sword Clan. The only way to join the Sword Clan is to beat the Sword Clan. And then Katana can infiltrate the Sword Clan with the help of Sickle. But since she'll already have joined, I don't know why she needs Sickle's help to infiltrate. Anyway, her plan must be somewhat different now that she has an Untouchable Sidekick.

See? I approve of Alex Sanchez's lower torso! Very nicely done. This is right up there with Nightwing's bottom.

Katana battles the Sword Clan and hacks a bunch to pieces. Now that the Soultaker was reforged without the ritual, does that mean it no longer takes souls? I'm going to assume that's true and Katana will not be speaking with her sword anymore. Although I'm sure I'll find out by the end of this thing because Sickle and Maseo's ghost just appeared to debate which one Katana can work with. Because she obviously can't love one and work with the other. Or love them both. Or not love either and work with both. She has to choose only one to be friends and lovers and work partners with! So Sickle tells her how to remember THAT night! The night she...KILLED HER HUSBAND!

Zing!

Why didn't Maseo ever get a weapon name? Why didn't they go around calling him Throwing Star? I'm glad he's out of the picture because he had a stupid normal name. How was I supposed to know what weapon to defend against if he attacked me with a name like Maseo?

Sickle and Katana head back to find Shun tied up with Coil standing over her. Coil declares that the only way Katana can rule the Sword Clan is to defeat him.

Wait. What? I thought she just wanted to infiltrate? But she wants to run the whole thing? Perhaps Coil only believes she wants to run it all since everybody has now seen Shun's belly tattoo which showed Katana with her foot on a dragon's head with flames behind her. Obviously that means she's going to bring an apocalypse down on the world. No other interpretation on that one, is there?

You know what's really stupid about this ending with Coil challenging Katana to battle? It already fucking happened! Katana defeated Coil at the beginning of Issue #2 and refused to join the Sword Clan! Look, I'll help you remember:

See? Coil defeated. Dead to rights. No meaning no she doesn't want to join the Sword Clan.

But I suppose Katana has every right to change her mind after she learned so much more. Although after defeating Coil, in the VERY NEXT PANEL, she declares, "Coil's too good. Can't fight him yet." And then she goes after a novice to try to turn him to her side to help her infiltrate the Sword Clan! Ugh! Is this book going in spirals on purpose? Is there a Gertrude Stein thing going on here? Am I supposed to viscerally feel how the plot is like Coil's sword? Am I supposed to be experiencing being on the receiving end of Coil's sword? Because by that measure, this book is succeeding!

Katana #7 Rating: -1 Ranking. I bet the first Katana Trade will begin with Issue #1 and then skip right to Issue #8 since one ends with Katana about to battle Coil and eight is beginning with that fight. Just throw the rest of this shit in the fucking Dumpster. Oh, and finally, I should just like to point out that the cover had the wrong inkers on it.