Katana #10

This is my Christmas Present to myself: the final issue of Ann Nocenti's Katana! Merry Christmas everybody! Except for you people that can't stand hearing people say "Merry Christmas!" even if they're just expressing a kindness in your general direction. To you, I say, "Fuck off, motherfucking Scrooge!"

Scrooge was this mean bastard in this book by a guy with a name that always makes me giggle. I wonder why his parents did call him Richard? That would have been the best name. Dick Dickens, Writer! I know acting like nobody knows who Scrooge is is an idiotic statement that isn't even funny so why would I even bother? You're all probably sick to death of Ebenezer's face in its many guises gracing every channel on your television set the last few weeks. I'm not even sure when I last watched the entirety of any version of A Christmas Carol. That's something I should remedy and maybe make an annual Easter tradition.

If I owned a television station, I'd air Moby Dick every Easter. The hunt for the White Whale and the Resurrection of Jesus are kind of similar tales. I just wish the story of Jesus had a character named Queequeg in it.

What was Katana up to last issue, you're probably wondering? Well fuck you! I don't owe you any explanations! Do you think I retained any of that nonsense? Just be glad this comic book is over and you can purge all of your New 52 Katana knowledge because you know this shit will never be spoken of again as soon as DC can escort Ann Nocenti out of their offices.

I should probably stop yelling "Fuck You!" at my readers. Sorry about that. I'm a bit on edge due to the midlife crisis and the stress of passionless small business ownership. You know what's probably a good idea today? Being that it's Christmas and it's a magical day even for Jews and Muslims and Atheists even though none of them actually know it? It's a good day to get drunk! Oh, unless you're Muslim. Sorry. I don't mean to be the fucking devil and tempt you with the deliciousness of falling over and vomiting on the rug only to wake up a few hours later with some shitty Maroon 5 song going on repeat in your head and your friend's dog licking the vomit up while occasionally licking your face. Good times! Why would Allah deny anybody such fun?!

Being that it's only 7:30 in the morning and I will be headed over to the Common-in-Law's house, I probably shouldn't start drinking just yet. But every time I glance at the cover of this Katana comic book, I'm sorely fucking tempted.

Our story begins with a bunch of tattoo artists that are closed during the day but don't bother locking up the shop because they're actually Sword Clan thugs and they're idiots.

But wait! This woman isn't any ordinary flower delivery person! It's Shuntouchable, Mistress of Scarification! And she's come to kill the assholes that tattooed her body with prophecies of the future! They go down in a hail of bullets shouting, "Why didn't we see this coming when we gave her that tattoo of us being gunned down by her?!"

As Shuntouchable unloads on the thugs with her automatic rifle, she speaks 94 words without having to reload. And those words are magical. No, magickal! MAGICKAL! WITH A "K"! You must savor them with me.

Mmm! Mmmm! The sweet, succulent nonsense of money laundered until it's black as chimney soot! SO GOOD!

This is why comic books are so much better than movies! In a movie, Shuntouchable would have kicked down the door and said, "HEY. TATTOO ARTISTS. I INK IT'S TIME TO DIE!" POW POW POW POW DEAD PEOPLE EVERYWHERE SLOW MOTION DIVING HEADS EXPLODING GLASS CRASHING WOOD SPLINTERING DEATH EVERYWHERE! Pause as she reloads and says, "THIS MAY HURT A BIT!" MORE DEATH AND BULLETS AND DESTRUCTION AND SCREAMING AND NOISE. Then when everybody is dead and Shuntouchable is standing there with her smoking gun, she can look around calmly and whisper, "Talk about body modification." Then she would light a cigarette and causally walk out.

Shuntouchable doesn't actually kill the tattoo artists. She just wounds them with every fucking bullet because she's either a really, really good shot with an automatic rifle, or a really, really shitty one. She tells them to let Coil know that she has a special Body Modification Plan for him. Then she takes a moment to remind everybody that Ann Nocenti is writing this book.

LOOKY THAT! L. O. O. K. Y. THAT! And that's not even the part that makes it so Ann Nocenti! That's just added awfulness!

Oh look! A picture that has fallen on the floor during the chaos! I guess I'll simply assume, for whatever fucking reason, that it's The Sword Clan's Logo! Yes, their Logo! Because they're obviously selling a product and branding is essential to that end. And if they have a logo, that must mean they're a club! Oh joy, wouldn't it be fun to join someday?

What the fuck? Why?! What? But! I mean? UGH!

Meanwhile, Katana is in Japantown feeling like she's been in a bad marriage! Because she hasn't slept and she's been fucking her dead husband's brother after giving up on fucking her sword in which her dead husband had been contained until very recently. Plus, like a bad marriage, she's been chasing a wild fucking kid around trying to kill it so that she can prove to her Sword Club (with their new logo!) that she can sink a boat that is making an extreme effort to stay afloat. I've never been in a marriage (good or bad) so I don't know if the analogy is apt or not. I'm just going to assume it is.

But Katana is pulling herself together now! She's finally realizing that she made a mistake somewhere in her past. I think the mistake was not killing Coil when she had him pinned to a tree but what the fuck do I know? Katana believes it's when she decided to partner with Sickle. That's not a bad choice since it's just one of her bad choices she's made. And since all the choices she's made so far have been bad, she really could have chosen any of them. But she also finally figured out something profound about love!

I think she's speaking metaphorically. Oh fuck, please let her be speaking metaphorically.

Oh yeah. She also let Mona Shard get away because she couldn't bring herself to kill a child. I guess that's okay because I'm sure the Mad Samurai will take care of everything for Tatsu.

And then remember everything that was happening before? Forget that. It was all bullshit that might make sense if you give a shit and really cared about skewing reality and pretending words can have negative values and decided to reread the entire series while fucked up on meth but who the fuck would do that? You know, about rereading the series. Not about the meth. Anyway, Junko is a cop and he's been using Katana to help drive the Yakuza underground and destroy the Sword and Dagger clans. But the cops have all that shit under control now. What Junko needs from Katana is for her to kill the Mad Samurai and end this comic book once and for all.

Don't fucking look at me. You figure this shit out.

I think Ann Nocenti had a stroke while scripting this comic book because she uses the phrase, "What, no one ever lied to you before?" three times in as many pages. Maybe she just didn't want us readers to miss it because she's saying it directly to us as we read.

DC Fan Getting Ripped Off By This Shit: "What the fuck? Was it a dream? Why is everything not the same as it was and totally different in a really stupid way? This is bullshit!"
Ann Nocenti: "What, no one ever lied to you before?"

So, Thrust (remember him? He liked to kill with his erect phallus) has given Shuntouchable the list of all the tattoo artists that worked on her so she could go around giving them tiny little bullet scars all over their bodies. Now he's led her to Coil although he didn't know she was going to bring a machine gun to the fight. But then, no one has ever lied to him before. He takes off so she can get down to business but not before saying one of my favorite Ann Nocenti Character Speeches so far:

There has to be a mathematical formula for writing Ann Nocenti Dialogue. Something like X + Y = Z but written in an analogous yet convoluted way. So a normal writer would write "X + Y = Z" while Ann Nocenti writes "Z - Y + Z - X = X + Y -2Z + 2(X + Y)".

Katana goes off to hunt down the Mad Samurai who is preparing for war. But first she must learn to stop a bullet by fighting with a falcon. While she does that, Shuntouchable decides to tattoo "LIAR" across Coil's face because his tongue is his actual weapon. He should be called Tongue and not Coil. But Katana arrives to stop her! It's a good thing Katana learned how to stop a bullet by fighting that bird because Shuntouchable is using a gun! Wow! It's all coming together in the shittiest way possible!

Also, one of the tattoo artists earlier mentioned a How-To Video about stopping bullets with his sword. Just so the reader would be prepared for Katana learning the technique by fighting a bird so that she could use it against Machine Gun Shuntouchable.

When do we learn this entire series has been a dream?

Like all good gun salesmen, the one that sold the assault rifle to Shuntouchable told her a joke! It was about people who live by swords dying by bullets! This made Shuntouchable realize that all jokes were true! Especially the one about Jesus seeing Peter's house. That one is the truest of them all. But Katana has a joke for Shuntouchable! It's a good joke! A very good joke!

And it's true because the gun seller lied to Shuntouchable about his joke. What, no one ever lied Shuntouchable before?

After Shuntouchable is down and out and Coil is still nearly crippled and the possessed bird is still flying around like a fucknut, The Mad Samurai who is now a twenty foot tall Sumo Wrestler comes crashing through the forest to defeat Katana! And he almost does! (Not really.) But Katana is saved (not really) when the spirit riding the Falcon decides to ride the Mad Sumo Wrestler! And, SURPRISE, it's Maseo! Katana is able to kill the Mad Sumo Wrestler with her Soultaker sword and thus absorb the souls of both The Mad Samurai and her husband at the same time! Proving that her husband actually does love her! For some reason! Plus Ann Nocenti finishes strong on another really good joke where the Sumo Wrestler (who hasn't been killed because, I guess, the Soultaker now only stabs souls riding mortals and doesn't actually hurt the mortal somehow) says, "I'm so hungry." Because he's fat! Get it?!

Oh, well, that isn't the exact end. I really wish it was though! I'd rather she ended on a "sumo wrestlers are fat" joke instead of this final page that I will leave you with. I won't say another word after this. I've had my say. You know my opinion about this comic book. It was awful. I'm almost certain we can bring a class action lawsuit against DC for selling this garbage as entertainment. Do you really think they can find a single witness that will admit to liking this drivel? Not a fucking chance! Anyway, on to the Final Ranking and the last page.

Katana #10 Rating: No change because what's worse than Eleventy Billion?! That's the lowest number there is!

If you think there were any other loose ends or inconsistent plot developments, you're probably just remembering incorrectly. Go have some eggnog. You'll be fine.

Katana #7

In this issue, Katana decides which man better completes her.

Will Tatsu be known as Katanas from now on? She just had her Soultaker reforged and she's not using it? Because I'm fairly certain Soultaker doesn't have a hilt like these swords. It has kind of a melted demon face motif going on or something. Anyway, I hope Katana kills Sickle and exorcises Maseo.

This issue is called, "What happened THAT night?" What night?! What did I miss? What the fuck are you on about, Ann Nocenti?!

Shun the Untouchable, the Tattoo Artist missing a foot and possessed by a little girl spirit, is visiting Junko the Drunken Master. I think Shun is missing a foot. I should probably remember plot points better since I'm constantly claiming to be a master comic book reader. I suppose I'm not staking Master Comic Book Rememberer territory! I'd look through my back issues of Katana but I'm using my comic book boxes for a foot rest, so that's not going to happen.

At least I know my limits.

Whew. All I had to do was turn the page!

I thought maybe the line about Shun biting down on the stick like a dog was about her foot being cut off. But she's also an untouchable sex slave, so she really could have been describing her Saturday night. I really shouldn't make light of sex slaves being treated like dogs since it's a terrible, horrible, vicious problem in this world. Why, I wonder, does anybody try to portray masturbation in a negative light when celebrating its usefulness might actually put a small dent in the amount of sexual crimes on this planet. Let's celebrate masturbation! You know Holi, the Festival of Colours? We should have something like in America except for masturbation.

You know what? On second thought, that celebration might actually wind up causing sexual crimes. Or, at the very least, a horribly sticky mess.

Tatsu examines the rest of Shun's tattoos and discovers that there are more Outsider Clans than just the Sword Clan! One of the tattoos is a Green Arrow. Like her partner in Justice League of America! And then while searching Shun's body, she makes a horrifying discovery!

I think that's what I said when I first saw one too.

Of course Ann Nocenti doesn't reveal what Katana has discovered. Nocenti comes from the school of writers who like to use Undramatic Irony. That's where a character in the story knows some horrible or interesting or amazing secret that the reader never gets to learn. But the character makes sure the reader knows that she knows something or has discovered something, like in the panel above. Sometimes Lobdell a writer will have a character think, "I hope nobody discovers my secret!" And the reader is supposed to scoot to the edge of her seat and wait for the exciting reveal of the secret. I hate this shit when a bad writer is doing it. It just makes me think, "Oh, Ann Nocenti has no idea where her stupid fucking story is going but she has to create some kind of dramatic tension, so she lets the reader see the character be shocked by something and then leaves it at that."

Now I haven't moved past that last panel, so maybe Ann Nocenti will have Katana Narration Box what she discovered immediately on the next page. But I have a feeling that's not going to happen. In the meantime, please join me in Tales of Fucked Up Narration, won't you?

These Narration Boxes aren't so bad. But let's begin with these as a control.

Katana, if you don't believe the lies of the tattoo artist and you also think the woman with the tattoos is crazy, why the fuck do you keep going back to her for information? Oh, I remember! Because Ann Nocenti comes from yet another school of writers known as the School of Movement Through Prophecy. In this school, stories do not evolve organically from a protagonist's motivations or flaws or desires. The protagonist is moved like a pawn on a chessboard by outside influences telling the protagonist what is likely to occur in the future. The television show Heroes is one of the best examples of this horror. If you take away all visions of the future, the story never fucking happens. So Katana needs the tattoos to motivate her and keep some forward movement in the comic book.

But apparently Nocenti doesn't need to rely on the Mystery Tattoo (or genitalia) that Tatsu observed earlier. Because Katana still has to infiltrate the Sword Clan after several issues of trying and nearly succeeding and then beginning a new issue so that Katana forgot she was succeeding and needed to begin again. So here we are back at Square Fucking One: Katana needing to infiltrate the Sword Clan.

Immediately after the previous Narration Boxes, Tatsu is buzzed by a falcon.

Here Tatsu has three conversations in her head at once. "Trained falcon. Seemed deliberate. Great weapon." I'm hoping that she puts them together on the next page because I can't figure out the mystery! I think she's reading too much into it. Birds attack my face all the time! It's nothing.

Katana decides that she's too busy right now to investigate the falcon, so she'll follow it's trail back to its master tomorrow. I'm not sure how you follow the trail of a bird a day later but then I'm not Japanese. Or a woman. Or a warrior. It's probably one of those things that enables her to follow a falcon's day old trail. Unless it's just the bird shit.

I think that's just an Urban Legend!

Oh! Oh! I know this story! I know what happens next!

My favorite part of the story is when the woman you're supposed to be rescuing kicks you in the head and kills you.

In a previous commentary, I explained how I don't spend enough time discussing the art, so this paragraph will try to rectify that. The art fucking sucks.

That wasn't very constructive! I should try harder. Um, I like the hands. The hands are usually drawn well. The faces are terrible though. It's like Sanchez draws from the feet up and when he gets to the neck, he falls apart and loses all talent. Perhaps his college could only afford headless nude models in anatomy class?

No, you know what. For once I'm not going to express my opinion as uncontested fact. Alex Sanchez's style just doesn't suit me. I am not enjoying it. But it's his style and it isn't as if he can't draw. He's definitely very good at it. His style just doesn't hit my sweet spot. I'll leave the exact location of my sweet spot to your imagination.

It's my testicles!

After being attacked by the falcon, Tatsu stumbles upon the Japantown Brothel on fire. The prostitutes flee to find a better life while Madame Yoko declares Japantown is over. Yeah, all the fucking hipsters ruined it, coming around with their Japanese monster t-shirts and their One Cup Sake. It was an uncool place to hang out and feel cool before it became a cool place to hang out because it was so uncool. Oh, and don't refer to the Japanese monsters on their t-shirts as Japanese monsters because they've figured out that they're called Kaiju thanks to Pacific Rim and they'll sneer at you and smirk at their friends if you call them "Japanese Monsters." Although they'll do the same thing if you call them "Kaiju" and just remark how you probably only know that due to Pacific Rim.

I miss the Kaiju Cafe on Belmont in Portland. They had delicious vegetarian paninis and Japanese monsters. Oh! I think I have a picture of me there but I doubt you can see any Japanese Monsters!

You can see some toys in the other room but that was The Missing Link. Although they had monsters too! This was immediately after my first hair cut in probably twenty years.

And just for comparison's sake, here I am twenty years ago in my Lobo shirt and on acid. I was sober in the first picture.

Katana also finds out that her place of employment has been completely trashed as well. So she decides her best move is to get the fuck away from anybody else that can get hurt by her proximity. But first she has to check in on Junko and Shun since they've been in her sphere of influence recently. They're just having a barbecue.

Goddammit! Ann Nocenti's Knowledge Fun Farm is already airing repeats! We already learned about Rope-a-dope!

After the barbecue and a brief scene showing that Jack Ryder is still drunk and uninteresting (even if he is possessed by The Creeper), Katana and Shun head out to join the Sword Clan. The only way to join the Sword Clan is to beat the Sword Clan. And then Katana can infiltrate the Sword Clan with the help of Sickle. But since she'll already have joined, I don't know why she needs Sickle's help to infiltrate. Anyway, her plan must be somewhat different now that she has an Untouchable Sidekick.

See? I approve of Alex Sanchez's lower torso! Very nicely done. This is right up there with Nightwing's bottom.

Katana battles the Sword Clan and hacks a bunch to pieces. Now that the Soultaker was reforged without the ritual, does that mean it no longer takes souls? I'm going to assume that's true and Katana will not be speaking with her sword anymore. Although I'm sure I'll find out by the end of this thing because Sickle and Maseo's ghost just appeared to debate which one Katana can work with. Because she obviously can't love one and work with the other. Or love them both. Or not love either and work with both. She has to choose only one to be friends and lovers and work partners with! So Sickle tells her how to remember THAT night! The night she...KILLED HER HUSBAND!

Zing!

Why didn't Maseo ever get a weapon name? Why didn't they go around calling him Throwing Star? I'm glad he's out of the picture because he had a stupid normal name. How was I supposed to know what weapon to defend against if he attacked me with a name like Maseo?

Sickle and Katana head back to find Shun tied up with Coil standing over her. Coil declares that the only way Katana can rule the Sword Clan is to defeat him.

Wait. What? I thought she just wanted to infiltrate? But she wants to run the whole thing? Perhaps Coil only believes she wants to run it all since everybody has now seen Shun's belly tattoo which showed Katana with her foot on a dragon's head with flames behind her. Obviously that means she's going to bring an apocalypse down on the world. No other interpretation on that one, is there?

You know what's really stupid about this ending with Coil challenging Katana to battle? It already fucking happened! Katana defeated Coil at the beginning of Issue #2 and refused to join the Sword Clan! Look, I'll help you remember:

See? Coil defeated. Dead to rights. No meaning no she doesn't want to join the Sword Clan.

But I suppose Katana has every right to change her mind after she learned so much more. Although after defeating Coil, in the VERY NEXT PANEL, she declares, "Coil's too good. Can't fight him yet." And then she goes after a novice to try to turn him to her side to help her infiltrate the Sword Clan! Ugh! Is this book going in spirals on purpose? Is there a Gertrude Stein thing going on here? Am I supposed to viscerally feel how the plot is like Coil's sword? Am I supposed to be experiencing being on the receiving end of Coil's sword? Because by that measure, this book is succeeding!

Katana #7 Rating: -1 Ranking. I bet the first Katana Trade will begin with Issue #1 and then skip right to Issue #8 since one ends with Katana about to battle Coil and eight is beginning with that fight. Just throw the rest of this shit in the fucking Dumpster. Oh, and finally, I should just like to point out that the cover had the wrong inkers on it.

Katana #6

Surprise! I bet nobody saw this coming!

Yesterday, Gail Simone reblogged my commentary on Batgirl #22 and said that my blog was hilarious and mean. I received about fifteen new followers yesterday because of it. Well, new followers, that commentary was a good example of the hilarious. But this book is written by Ann Nocenti. So get the fuck ready for a whole passel of the mean!

But first (and I realize I posted this by itself on Tumblr but not all my readers see the Tumblr feed), here's a flyer for the new charity I dreamt up this morning while half asleep and trying to go back to full sleep.

I should get a job writing copy for non-profits. Maybe this should be a really shitty t-shirt?

Back to Katana, last issue the entire action of the comic book moved to Japan. Every character involved in the story in Issue #4 was just transported to Japan for very important reasons that Ann Nocenti has yet to completely explain. But I have a feeling she needed Katana to go on a journey before returning home to discover what she always wanted was right there where she began. Like Dorothy! Or Bilbo!

You know what else Dorothy and Bilbo have in common? They're both thieves!

Issue #5 ended with all of the characters (plus a new one named Swagger) involved in a brawl that just got the greatest swordsmith to ever live (besides Junko) killed! So this issue begins with Katana making out with her sword.

Of course! How could I not have guessed this so fucking obvious beginning?

Her love making session with the sword is interrupted by The Creeper choking the shit out of her with his chain and lecturing her in his Valley Girl speak. I have no idea where an ancient demon picked up the "as if"s and the "boooooooooring"s. Maybe he picks up Jack Ryder's speech patterns and maybe Jack Ryder is a right fucking twat. It's also possible that I just have no idea why Ann Nocenti writes anything she writes. She may be a super villain and she's simply trying to confuse the world so she can slip in and take over.

And just as quickly as The Creeper arrives, he's forced to retreat back to Jack Ryder due to the rising of the sun. Why the fuck is The Creeper even in this comic book? He keeps appearing at the end of each issue only to run off at the beginning of the next one. Perhaps The Creeper was forced on Ann Nocenti by editorial and this is the way she's dealing with it. The Creeper arrives, kills the Swordsmith, lectures Katana, and then has to retreat from the rising sun. This ancient Japanese demon should probably invest in a watch.

Katana's wit is as sharp as her sword!

That last caption was a joke because her sword is broken and useless. I felt the need to point that out so that nobody actually thought that last panel was well written or interesting. It is mesmerizing, though. I think I've reread it about twenty times now. I just can't stop reading "Guess he picked a drunk to ride" and then "What's wrong, you pick a drunk to ride?" It's poetic. But not in a good way! It's poetic in that way a poem is poetic when some stranger at a party comes up to you and begins reciting a poem he wrote and you don't want to be a complete dick so you grin and nod your head and drink your drink as fast as you can so you can raise the empty glass at him and go, "Oh! Refill!" and run off to tell everybody about his bad poetry.

The Creeper flies off into the pre-dawn darkness while Katana watches him go and says, "I was right. Creeper missed most of the night because his host is a lush. And now he's gotta go back and endure the guy's hangover." And then, according to the next page, she collapses on the ground at the point of dying. That's what happens when you take the time to gloat, Katana! You allow yourself time to bleed out. But it was worth it, wasn't it? Telling him off! Showing him you were right! But now you'd better hope Sickle can stop the bleeding before Swagger realizes she should jump on this opportunity to kill you.

But while Sickle erotically tries to save Katana's life, Katana's husband's soul notices the way Sickle sexily puts pressure on the wound and lovingly tells Katana she can kill him later.

Never mind that Maseo had already told Katana to let him go and move on. Fucking guys. They don't want to be with a woman until some other guy is saving her life!

Sickle's supposition of jealousy speaks more towards his reasons for helping Katana than for Maseo attacking since Maseo isn't actually attacking. I guess that means Sickle still loves Katana! Maseo, on the other hand, also loves Katana. Did I use "on the other hand" correctly? I think I used it wrong. Anyway, Maseo takes over the Master Swordsmith's corpse so that she can be alive again for a little while and fix the Soultaker. So I guess I was wrong about Junko. Well, fuck me. I get to be wrong once in my life.

Meanwhile, Swagger doesn't do shit. Where the fuck did she go? She was in the final panel of Issue Five when The Creeper appeared. Shouldn't the editor have done something about this?

Harvey Richards: "Hey, Ann. What happened to Swagger? Shouldn't she be trying to kill Katana when she's near death here?"
Ann Nocenti: "Oh, fuck. I forgot she was there! She just doesn't fit in with this part of the story. Besides, it's been a month. Nobody will remember she was still hanging around."
Harvey Richards: "You do realize we collect these things into Trade Paperbacks, right? I think people will notice then."
Ann Nocenti: "So just have Sanchez draw her in later. She can be picking her thong out of her ass or something. That usually takes a while."

Oh wait! Here's Swagger's first appearance on Page Six!

I guess her line about thinking the Creeper would finish off Katana explains everything. Except why she sat back waiting for Katana to bleed out as Sickle helped her. Or why she's suddenly on the ground when she was just fine when we left her.

This bitch is crazy! I think Ann Nocenti should be forced to use less words.

Katana is taken by surprise and almost killed by Swagger. That's what Katana gets for forgetting that she was fighting Swagger and her men and not just The Creeper. Kenji brings out some weapons and Katana tells him to give her the hatchet. It's the first time I've ever seen anybody refer to a battle axe as a hatchet. I guess Katana is only familiar with swords. But then she's also been calling Swagger's weapon a rapier and it in no fucking way is a rapier! Perhaps Katana has a learning disorder? Maybe that's why she took the name Katana so she could remember what kind of sword she uses?

Oh! And her inability to know which weapon is which would explain the cover of Issue #5 if we believe it was the way she was perceiving the encounter!

See? She can't remember what a Sickle is called so she thinks this is Coil! Poor girl!

As Katana fights, she Narration Boxes, "I'm not used to the end-heavy balance of a hatchet. Deadly little thing, though." That "little thing" is bigger than Katana's torso! I have a feeling Ann Nocenti and Alex Sanchez weren't exactly in communication while they were working on their parts of the comic. And the editor either didn't notice or thinks Katana's disability is cute.

While Katana tries to study all of the weapons during the fight so she can do her best against her disorder, the Master Swordsmith goes about reforging the Soultaker. She says a bunch of annoying shit that I guess some people like. I should probably compare this Swordsmith and her speeches to Wordsmith Ann Nocenti and her scripts but thinking about things takes too much work. Nobody wants to hear me wax philosophic on the theme of the Swordsmith recreating the Soultaker in much the same way the Wordsmith is recreating Katana.

Although I do want to discuss Jack Ryder! He just flew to Japan to film one slight on location news segment and it's apparently the hit of Japan! But that's in the past. Let's see what's going on in Jack Ryder's future!

Good luck with that stupid lawsuit. First there is footage of you being eaten by some crazy monster on live television at PGN. So anybody saying you were dead has reason to believe it. But more to the point, let's not forget that YOUR FUCKING BODY WAS SHIPPED FROM METROPOLIS TO SAN FRANCISCO SO YOUR FAMILY COULD BURY YOU!

I guess that's all I had to say about Jack Ryder. I remember when I was fascinated by The Creeper character but that was years ago and before Ann Nocenti was the primary writer of the character. I imagine Justice League Dark #23.1 is going to be a rollicking good time! If you like court dramas and long-winded explanations of liable and slander.

Meanwhile Sickle tells Katana how to fight and then exclaims that they're good together. I hope Sickle is the first person Katana kills with the new and improved Soultaker. Then Maseo and his brother can once again be reunited and they can both sleep with the woman they love.

During the fight, Katana's battle axe slowly shrinks every panel it's shown until it really is about the size of a double headed hatchet. I think Alex Sanchez may have gotten a few phone calls from Harvey by this time. "NO! SMALLER! EVEN SMALLER! SMALLER THAN THAT!"

I can't really tell who is winning during the fight because nobody seems to be hurt or dying yet every time Swagger, Sickle, or Katana swing their weapons, blood flies around the panel. So somebody is getting injured but I have no idea who the fuck it might be.

And then Katana smells that her sword is done!

"TOO SMALL!"

Katana manages to get her sword back after Swagger tries to use it herself and burns her hands. This finally causes Swagger to retreat because how is she going to wield her Springy, Willowy Daggers anymore? She calls out for her dead followers to follow her and disappears into comic book limbo. I hope.

Katana's sword no longer contains the spirits of those it killed because the Master Swordsmith did not have time to invoke the "stupid spiritual ritual" while reforging it. That means Katana has her 13 Ghosts of Scooby Doo on the loose! She'll probably have to hunt them down because she can't let a bunch of crazy ghosts roam around riding innocent people. The first ghost she starts with is Maseo. She orders her husband back in the sword. But he doesn't seem interested. I don't blame you, Maseo; neither am I.

Chill, Maseo. It's not like she has a deadline.

Katana #6 Rating: -2 Ranking. This issue wasn't as editorially bad as last issue and it didn't make me quite as angry as I expected it to. But the characters don't speak like their backgrounds would indicate they should speak and Nocenti just bends logic and reality (even if it's just comic book reality!) to the breaking points. I used to love the character of Katana (especially in relation to Halo in The Outsiders comic) but I suppose I'm going to have to come to terms with my new hatred for The New 52 version.

Katana #5

First off, I've met Coil and that's not him. That's Sickle, you stupid fucking bastards.

I get it, DC. You don't fucking care about quality control. Coil. Sickle. Dagger Boy. Katana. They're all basically the same person. They all find their identity in their weapon. Which makes this error even more egregious in that you can see his fucking weapon in his hand and it looks nothing like a coil. Fucking editors. Apparently the main job of the editors at DC is to drive away the writers.

Last issue ended with The Creeper attacking Katana while she stood on a roof. But she just sidestepped him and he flew past her. The teaser for next month was simply "The Creeper: Born to Kill." So I expected more fight this issue. I don't know why I expected anything by a writer Marvel foisted on to DC to follow from one month to the next because this issue begins with Katana at the Weaponcon in Japan looking for someone to fix her sword.

That DC and Marvel thing wasn't a slight at Marvel writers being bad. Since this is the internet, I feel I need to add this explanation to Ann Nocenti some of the things I say [Ann Nocenti, verb: To over-explain something]. What I meant was that the writers that came from Marvel to help out DC with The New 52 are the worst writers I've ever read. Scott Lobdell. Tom DeFalco. Howard Mackie. Ann Nocenti. It's amazing how consistently shitty this batch of writers has been.

Somebody should have told the artist that a lot of these people were supposed to be wearing spiked hair styles.

Katana enacts Katana Main Action Plan #1: act like a dumb woman. I'm surprised she didn't bring her blonde wig. Hey, that wasn't me making a blondes are dumb joke for anybody reading this commentary that did not read earlier issues of Katana! That was actually one of Katana's plans when she infiltrated a Sword Clan gathering where she first met Sickle! Wait a second. Katana is acting dumb to infiltrate a group of people and, judging by the cover, she's going to meet Sickle? Ann Nocenti is Scott Lobdelling this shit [Scott Lobdell, verb: To recycle a plot over and over]!

Finally! I always thought Katana was too strong and independent for a widowed Japanese woman, completely protecting Halo and telling her husband to shut the fuck up because she knows what she's doing and standing up to The Batman! It's about time Katana is portrayed as lost without her husband's voice telling her what to do. DC already has enough women characters that exist outside of a man's sphere of influence.

Katana speaks with a swordmaker about possibly getting her katana fixed. He knows of a crazy hill woman that might be able to fix it who has a red-headed grandson that comes to town sometimes who can fix swords. But then he's killed in a way that makes Tatsu think maybe her husband did it. Plus the man was killed by a throwing star to the back of the neck and yet he still dies pointing to a blonde woman. Or at least that's Tatsu's crime scene investigation theory. But how would a stupid blonde woman be able to pull off that kill?! The assassin must be using Katana Main Action Plan #1!

This issue is called "Born to Kill" like the teaser from last month. I suppose The Creeper is still likely to make an appearance. Maybe he's the murderer, hiding beneath a blonde wig! He probably tailed Katana to Japan after not being able to climb back up the building in San Francisco and continue fighting her. He, like all of the other souls freed from the sword, probably doesn't want her reforging it.

And on the next page, Jack Ryder is waking up from a drunken stupor on the floor of a Japanese Roadhouse. His producer got him work in Japan! Somehow! Plotting comic books is easy! Just do whatever the fuck you want and get to the punching!

It's easier to write it that way, Jack. Just go with it.

I'm not sure why Ann Nocenti needed to move the action to Japan. This would work out much better if she just left all of the characters in San Francisco. I guess I could just not give a shit about how and why everyone ends up in Japan. Fuck it! I should just not give a shit about anything anymore. The world is perfect! I'm just going to accept it as it is. Somebody get me a shot of heroin and I'll embrace Ann Nocenti fully and completely. Numb the shit out of my caring chip and I'll be good to fucking go!

Jack Ryder has a bit of a conversation with his producer about a rumor on the internet that Jack is dead. It seems odd to me that Jack's producer didn't see the footage of Jack being eaten by My Favorite Monster over in The Phantom Stranger. It was fucking on live television. Also, nobody told Jack's producer about Jack's body being flown to San Francisco where Jack's family was preparing the funeral and waiting for the corpse. I'm just saying, it's really pretty odd that all of this real life shit has now been boiled down to an internet rumor by some troll that everybody should just ignore. Because there is no fucking evidence that the rumor is true! None at all! Nope!

Somebody better hurry up with that fucking heroin!

Meanwhile in San Francisco, Coil and Sickle are watching the news like every character in comic books all the time so that they can hear about the murder at the Weaponcon. This I can buy because it's a comic book staple! And I grew up in the Bay Area where things like Japanese TV being broadcast on local Bay Area stations were a staple! Although it would still have been better if all the action was happening in San Francisco. Now Coil Sickle needs to catch a plane to Japan (Supersonic, of course, so he can arrive in a believable amount of time (believable if I can get that heroin into my veins, anyway)) so he can save Katana from being murdered by the Sword Clan who will obviously attack her once they realize that swordmakers are being killed in a way that only Tatsu's husband Maseo was known for killing.

Am I being culturally insensitive or is the artist when I look at this image and think, "That isn't fucking Japan."

Katana hops into Kenji's Mustang and tells him to take her to his Grandma's house. He looks really worried with the scribbles all over his face because he doesn't want to be seen with Katana. Katana talks him into fixing her sword because it'll bring him great fame and lots of poontang. But as they're heading to see Grandma, a truck with the license plate "BEATINGU" runs Kenji's Aston Martin (or Corvette or Porsche or whatever fucking now non-Mustang car he's driving) off the road.

Look at that car! It couldn't be much more different from the car they got into earlier! This comic book just went all kinds of Howard Mackie [Howard Mackie, adjective: 1. being invisible to editors. 2. possessing every single piece of punctuation in the English language in one sentence.].

The person running them off the road turns out to be Swagger, the mistress assassin of the Sword Clan. Being that they're in Japan, I would have thought the Sword Clan would have sent a Japanese assassin after them. Now, I suppose Swagger could be Japanese since I'm basing my judgmental and shallow opinion on her looks. But I would expect her to have a Japanese name. Now I know the Japanese love peppering their language with English words, so that might be part of it as well. But it just seems like for a comic book taking place in Japan, the Japanese aren't really being represented here.

Swagger possesses two swords that are kept in sheaths that wrap around her body. So here's another villain with bendy swords! My guess is that these bendy swords are called "Swaggers" which stand for springy, willowy daggers.

Swagger and Katana fight Ann Nocenti style where they throw awkward, over-explained insults at each other like "You're vain. Vain women hate to get kicked in the face" and "Hope you like pink flowers, Little Girl. Staked to a cherry blossom tree. A pretty headstone." Katana calls Swagger's weapons rapiers but I'm not buying it since I saw the way they were drawn. Katana also calls Swagger a rotten Outsider. So I guess this Sword Clan is part of the Seven Clans from Green Arrow. So does that mean the Dagger Clan is the missing clan? Probably not since that would be a stupid surprise reveal Clan. I think the Dagger Clan is just the Cub Scouts of the Sword Clan's Boy Scouts. Swagger also mentions that she's the leader of Japan's Sword Clan which seems odd since she was introduced as the Mistress Assassin of the Sword Clan. I would think calling her the leader would have been more important.

Leaving Swagger pinned to a tree, Katana and Kenji zip off in their magic car and arrive at Grandma's house where Katana kind of convinces her to fix her sword.

Why is he winking? And I'm guessing everyone is speaking Japanese. So why use Cain and Abel as the brother killing brother example? Not that I know any Japanese examples but I'm sure they'd be more apt here.

The Grandmother must be the comic book representation of Ann Nocenti because when Katana says she wants to clean the rot from the Outsider Clans, the grandmother explains why Katana is being stupid. She points out how you can't clear the rot from a forest. But that might not be a good enough explanation so she also points out that you can't cleanse fire of its smoke. And if that didn't make it clear enough, she explains that you can't clean dirt. I'm still a little bit confused about her point. I think what she's trying to say is don't ever try to do anything, you stupid cunt.

And then Swagger is back to finish off Katana! Katana has a real problem not finishing her stupid fucking fights. Since she left her sword sticking out of Swagger's belly a few pages ago, she has to resort to throwing bladed fans at Swagger and her thugs. And then Sickle arrives because he flew on a supersonic jet across the Pacific! And the art shows that it's night now, so apparently enough time has passed to make this not seem stupid at all.

Also not stupid is the way Maseo's ghost is still stalking Tatsu even after he gave her the move on with your life I'm fucking dead speech. And he's gone all romantic comedy on her!

I forgot Sickle was Maseo's brother. But that just makes the misunderstanding even more comedic!

Then everybody stops fighting as The Creeper arrives and kills Grandma Master Swordmaker! Be with us next time for 'Katana Hot Tin Roof' or 'A Creeper Named Desire.'

Katana #5 Rating: -1 Ranking. Most of this minus one ranking isn't Ann Nocenti's fault. This was just another DC Comic with way too many editorial mistakes. I'm still not sure why Katana had to go to Japan for this. I think it has to do with the typical Quest Junko sent her on where she has to travel far flung lands only to return to the place she left to find what she needs. I'm sure Junko will be the one to fix her stupid Soultaker.

Katana #4

How come The Creeper was able to reform after being freed from Soultaker? Why did the other souls just dissipate or float away?

DC has done some pretty egregious things in their pursuit of money but I can forgive all of them. All of them except for this comic book. I take this personally. I was excited about a Katana solo comic book! She was going to be free of Duane Swier-Goddamn-his-name-is-hard-to-spell-ynski! No longer would I have to read a poorly characterized Katana that never learned anything! One that would no longer simply react to situations instead of formulating plans! Katana was going to have a place to show her potential! And then I saw that Ann Nocenti was going to be writing it and I cried for five days straight. I really wish Nocenti had disappointed me on this comic book. Being disappointed by Ann Nocenti is not getting what you expect to get and what I expected to get was horrible writing which is what I got so it would have been nice to be disappointed by her and see her write a good comic book.

I have a feeling I'm going to be drawing another farmyard animal pretty soon!

The first page answers my question about the other souls. They have taken shape and are all standing around like Will-o'-the-Wisps. And one of them is the dragon Killer Croc was looking for! So now he doesn't need the sword or to kill Katana, right? He can interview the Dragon or suck down its essence or do whatever crazy thing he was going to do to it. And Katana can take her broken sword to Drunk Master and get it reforged. And everybody can go home happy and nobody needs to make a visit to Ann Nocenti's Knowledge Fun Farm!

A little girl soul flees from the scene as Katana narrates more nonsense.

Stupid hammers. Always objectifying nails.

Since her Katana is broken, Katana decides to fight with her fan. Too bad she doesn't also carry a Wakizashi. Because then she could fight with it. Or, you know, disembowel herself for great pride.

While Katana and Killer Croc fight, the souls talk amongst themselves in an effort to help the reader learn more about the connection between the souls and the Soultaker. It seems the Soultaker has been broken many times before and the souls escape and then the sword is reforged and then the souls go back in the sword. But it seems, watching the little girl soul head off to find somebody to cut, that the souls can find a new body before the sword is reforged so that they can live again. The Creeper wants to make sure he never goes back into the sword, so he wants to destroy it completely. He tells Katana to hold on for a minute while he rounds up a body to inhabit so he can kick her ass. Katana says, "Okay. I'll be right here waiting while getting my heart broken."

Good thing all of her enemies are busy so she can have a moment to wallow in self-pity.

Killer Croc runs off with his new Dragon Soul buddy. The big eared, insane goblin samurai seen earlier hanging out with the dragon has now traded in his big goblin ears for horns on his samurai helmet. He decides to carry Katana back to her home. He may or may not have possessed her. He almost certainly peeked at her boobies.

Meanwhile the little girl soul has found a body to possess and heads over to the untouchable prostitute Shun. What good is an untouchable prostitute? Does she just watch? I guess her entire job is to just have tattoos that tell the future and the past. The little girl cuts off Shun's non-dragon tattoo foot because it has a tattoo that relates to her clan. I don't know what kind of a clan a little girl would be in. The Crayola Clan?

Back at Drunken Master's hut, Katana wakes up and tells her story to Junko. He defines some words for her but it's not enough for me to fire up Ann Nocenti's Knowledge Fun Farm. He merely explains what Purgatory is and what Oni are. Thanks, Junko, but us comic book reading nerds are all familiar with those things! I'm pretty sure Katana already knew them as well being that she's sentient and older than eleven. Katana's broken Katana also made the trip and Junko informs her that it's missing one piece and he gives a biased and judgmental definition of a kris. Then Katana goes to sleep because she's tired from waking up after having slept for a long time.

The next panel after Katana falls asleep shows Katana waking up. I guess Nocenti just wanted Katana to sleep for an indeterminate amount of time so that other pieces of the plot couldn't be questioned as to how they were enacted so quickly. I'm simply assuming that's the case since her continuous sleeping should have a reason. It could be because she was possessed by a narcoleptic samurai. Or, I suppose, she's simply depressed that her husband didn't want to stay by her side as a helpful spirit guide. But Ann Nocenti didn't explain to me that sleeping a lot was a sign of depression! How am I supposed to know that if she won't explain it?!

Katana has a plan now, thanks to Junko. She must go to a weapons expo in Japan to find somebody to reforge her sword. Why do Drunken Masters always send students on pointless journeys so that they can ultimately realize everything they need is right in front of them? I'm sure Junko will be the one to reforge the sword. But before Katana heads to Japan, she needs to go check out Shun's tattoos again.

That was a nice and convoluted way to get The Creeper back into Jack Ryder's body.

Speaking of threads, I know why I dislike Nocenti's writing so much. She's an over-explainer. When she wants to make a point, she writes down every thought that led her to that final point. So to say that nobody is going to clip the thread that connects these two, she has to explain why she's using the thread analogy and where it comes from and how The Creeper knows about it. But when I write, I'm more like a schizophrenic. I'll have a thought that will lead to another thought and probably two or three more thoughts and then I'll write the fifth thought in the progression without revealing the other thoughts because it sounds funnier. It also creates a slightly tilted and insane style. So it's exactly opposite of the way Ann Nocenti overwrites everything although I guess we both sound mad.

By the way, that previous bit about the Three Fates could easily have been an Ann Nocenti Knowledge Fun Farm! Maybe I'll have to put one together at the end that collects all of her great bits of learning.

Later Katana is being criticized by her boss so she leaves work early. She decides to go stand around in full costume on the roofs of buildings when The Creeper attacks her! But he's got bad aim so he loses.

She's going to miss the weapons expo if she keeps farting around in San Francisco.

Katana #4 Rating: -2 Ranking. I have no idea what this comic book title is supposed to be about.

"Hello kids! Are we ready for some barnyard learning!? I bet we are! How many of you kids knew about the Oni, an ancient trickster ghost? Put your hands down and stop trying to correct me! Just listen! They have horns and wild hair and claws! Stop disagreeing with me, you rotten brats! I read this shit on Wikipedia! And how can you disagree with the slight definition I've just given you? You can't, you dumb assholes! Now shut up while I tell you about Purgatory! It's where souls end up that aren't ready to die or have unfinished business! YES IT IS! You know what? Get rid of these kids! Little smart ass twerps. I was going to tell them about The Three Fates but I've had enough of their back talk. Make sure the benches are filled with dumber kids next time! That's all the time we have on Ann Nocenti's Knowledge Fun Farm! Get the fuck out!"

Katana #2

Maybe DC should consider merging Katana and Catwoman so Ann Nocenti is only writing one book. Katwomana.

At the end of Issue #1, Coil inquired of Katana if she were ready to walk the tightrope. So I guess Coil is a recruiter for a Japanese-themed San Francisco based circus. I think the query was supposed to be dripping with tension and danger. But it was just a contrived question in a contrived situation that was all set up simply to end in that question.

It's at this point where I usually find myself at a loss for words while discussing Ann Nocenti's writing. Apparently I'm not a good enough writer to describe how bad of a writer she is. Her dialogue is stilted and unnatural. The characters rarely feel like they're reacting to the other person's dialogue. It's as if they both have rehearsed speeches that they aren't going to change no matter what the other person says. Or sometimes it's just one person with the speech and the other person spouting hysterical nonsense. I don't know! I just said I can't communicate what is wrong with it. Perhaps I need to really immerse myself in her work until I can figure out exactly how to mean what I say instead of just resorting to vague generalizations like "Ann Nocenti sucks" or unhelpful specifics such as "I'd rather be sucking a donkey dick than reading this comic book."

But I don't know if that day is today. We'll see how much time I feel like wasting on Katana #2. Who knows? Maybe it'll blow me away?

Well there goes any chances of me being blown.

The first page provides me with incomprehensible dialogue. I mean, I can parse it. I don't have a problem with that. But I can't understand why Nocenti would write it. I don't know why she would have Coil saying it. Is it because she's carefully crafted his redneck misogynist personality to a razor sharp point? Do razors have points? Fuck it! It's the type of description befitting Nocenti's writing! So you know, these days when a woman says no, you can't continue to try to stick your sword in her for some reason. I know, I know! It's silly! How many centuries has it been okay to interpret a "no" as a "yes" and now, all of a fucking sudden, that's not allowed?! Ridiculous! But I guess we have to respect her or people might get angry.

So as you can see from the first page, Katana bests Coil in their knife fight and she's refused to join the Sword Clan, so since "no means no", the Sword Clan needs to holster their weapons and get the fuck out of Dodge. Remember! This is Nocenti's writing, so I can use a gun analogy on a sword clan!

Also, they were in a Japanese Kawaii Sculpture Garden during the fight last issue and now they're in the San Francisco Zoo. I guess the mythical Kawaii Park was located right next door to the zoo.

Now you see that last panel I scanned, right? How Katana has Coil dead to rights, correct? Okay. Time for Ann Nocenti to do her thing in Panel #2!

So much goodness here. Where to begin?

Katana has the advantage on Coil and she's killed before, so she could take him out as the other Clan members scatter. But perhaps she needs him alive? Well, then let the Sword Clan run and take him away at katana point. Or begin threatening and questioning him here, if that's what she wants. But no. It's better to run around like the enemy! That'll fool them! So Katana decides she "can't fight him yet" even though that's what she just did and she destroyed his coil sword in the process. But can't fight him now! He's too good! He might piss on me and cut off my head! So later she'll decide to use "The Infiltration Game"! I think I remember that game from Junior High School parties. At least I think that's what they called the game. It was hard to hear the other kids from my position in the bushes outside of the house trying to stare through the window.

Katana decides to go after a specific young member that never tried to kill her. But why would the Sword Clan let her? Because "no means no"? If she's going to keep attacking them, shouldn't they all attack her en masse? Is that too much to fucking ask of a CLAN?!

Let's move on to Panels Three and Four for a nice juicy taste of Ann Nocenti's goods.

Aha! It's one of her Wikipedia moments! Classic Nocenti!

The proper response to somebody yelling, "Hiding behind the lions? I'll toss you in the pit," is "FUCK YOU, BITCH!" Instead he decides to debate her on the efficacy of her plan. "They don't even look hungry." As if he knows what a hungry lion looks like! In fact, in Panel Five, he declares, "Animals in captivity overeat. They won't bother me!" which is probably what he should have said instead of this other thing. It would still be awkward but why not go with that bit of information since it makes this bit obsolete. That isn't the Wikipedia part though! That next bit by Katana is where she gives us the rundown on how to tell if a lion is ready to kill. Thanks for the nature facts, Katana!

Nocenti does this all the time. Instead of having two characters engage in dialogue for the scene, they end up discussing lions and captive animals. Maybe I'm reading it wrong! Perhaps I'm supposed to find joy in the whimsical back and forth wherein the characters measure their fact penises. Perhaps the fault lies within me and all of the other Green Arrow and Catwoman fans that currently hate Green Arrow and Catwoman.

But there is an awkward and shambling and horribly written method to her madness. This all takes place for a reason! Part of that reason is for the Sword Clan Kid to mention "animals in captivity" so that Katana can latch on to that idea and point out that this kid appears to be of like kind. Why isn't he attacking her? Why isn't he aggressive? How come he "wears his armor like a Halloween outfit"? Right? She can turn this kid around and get some information out of him! And maybe a sidekick!

What would she have said if their battle took them over the Penguin Pool? "Those Penguins sense you as a bad provider for your chick! They are cold and judgmental, waiting for you to drop your egg."

Now where the fuck are the rest of the Sword Clan? I guess they don't care about this kid? They should care about this kid! They should know he's the weak link and should be keeping him out of Katana's hands. Unless that's Coil's plan! Coil probably decided that if Katana wouldn't join them, they'd break away. He knew Katana, like a lion, would go for the weak prey and, like a crocodile, grind the information from his bones. Now this kid will give Katana the information she needs to play The Infiltration Game and she'll infiltrate the Sword Clan which means she'll have joined and Coil will have her! Ha ha! Brilliantly played, Coil! If Harvest has taught me anything, it's to remember that everything is part of the plan!

But wait! Katana's fun facts aren't over!

But they are completely inaccurate! "Prey is often, therefore, left in one spot to be finished off later. This has led to the mistaken belief that crocodiles like to eat rotten meat, hiding a freshly killed animal until it is 'cured'. In fact, they prefer fresh meat." -- From some non-Wikipedia DK-published Kid's Book.

The Pacifist Sword Clan Kid decides to strike back at Katana by saying, "I think your sword controls you!" He thinks this because of all the surely truthful information he received from Coil's power point presentation before this mission.

Coil: "Here we see not Katana talking to her sword but her sword talking to Katana!"

Coil: "Yes, the sword talks to her. She's not crazy because she hears the sword speak to her."

Coil: "She's crazy because she thinks it's her dead husband! Also, she never smiles."

But the Sword Clan member is obviously Dyslexic because he volunteered for the wrong Clan as he lets on when he surrenders to Katana.

"Hey guys! I brought my dictionary! Sword? Why would the Words Clan need a...oooooh. Shit."

Katana and Thrust (that's his name! I think I named somebody else Thrust in one of my other commentaries but fuck if I can remember where I did that!) go on a picnic where no Game of Words takes place. All that takes place is Thrust whining about his family's view of him and how he hates his family and the Sword Clan. So Katana says, "Double cross them!" and Thrust says, "Okay!" So they plan on being dates at a Sword Clan Sword Show later in the week.

Because Thrust is so likable and not as similar to Crocodile Food as Katana first thought, she shares a secret with him. One time in Tokyo, her sword did something very bad. That's the end of the secret. I thought it was going to be better but that was it. The pictures associated with the secret did involve bunny slippers though, so it couldn't have been too serious if you ignore the blood the slippers were splashing through.

Later Tatsu goes to sneak a look at more of Shun the Untouchable's skin. She spends the last of her money to see Shun's foot which has a tattoo of a dragon on it. Tatsu gets angry that she was cheated because the tattoo showed a mythical creature and she wanted to see something real. But later the drunken Master reminds Tatsu that her name means "dragon". You'd think somebody with the Japanese name of "Dragon" would realize when they're looking at a prophetic tattoo of a dragon that it probably represents themselves. Wouldn't you? I mean, I would! Wouldn't you?!

Maybe Katana didn't realize her name means dragon since using a translation utility online, it also means to stand up. Perhaps that's what she always thought her name meant. To stand up! Because she can stand up!

Oh, and her encounter with the Drunken Master ends with Katana learning a lesson she would already know if she simply watched a lot of Kung Fu movies.

Sheesh, Katana! Everybody but you knew he was a Drunken Master as soon as they saw him. Perhaps HE needs to learn the art of stereotypes!

Tatsu gets a job working for her landlady in the Sake bar next door to the apartments. And then it's time for her to come up with a disguise for her date at the big Sword Clan Sword Show!

Well. As long as we're being stereotypical about who and what constitutes intelligence, how are you going to hide your Japanese looks? They'll know you're smart instantly!

Tatsu's prejudices don't stop there

And I'm being generous when I ascribe the prejudice to Tatsu and not to Ann Nocenti. I know I wouldn't want somebody to think everything I write in character is something I actually feel! But Nocenti really is making Tatsu an unlikeable, bitter shrew here!

Once in the party, Tatsu ditches her stupid slutty blonde cheerleader outfit and gets back to her super smart At Seventeen brunette loner normality. Just in time to challenge Sickle in a display of skill! Thrust promised to introduce Katana to Sickle for some reason (the reason is never actually explained, as far as I can tell) but she apparently doesn't need an introduction.

I don't know if he's still in love with her but he knows her as Katana. I guess Tatsu's secret identity isn't that secret in the Japanese circles she runs in.

After Katana defeats Sickle's girls with the help of her sword (I mean, the sword controlled her movements not she used the sword to win. Or something), Sickle whispers to her that he knows her name but nobody else does. He threatens to expose her if she doesn't join the Sword Clan. Which she's now considering! Coil's plan worked to perfection! Although Katana thinks, "Yes, Sickle, I will consider getting close to my enemy, but only to kill him." If she means Coil then she already had that chance. So hopefully she means somebody higher up in the Sword Clan. Probably someone responsible for Maseo's murder. Maseo is her husband! I think. I suck at names.

And then Katana leaves and the last page is apparently for sudden plot changes and foreshadowing!

How come Katana needs money so badly if she's a member of the JLA? Don't they fucking have to at least pay minimum wage?

Katana #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. I know, I know! The writing is mostly atrocious and the dialogue is awful in a lot of places. But I like Katana (well, historically I do! She seems kind of douchey so far in this comic!) and I'm actually interested in this story. So sue me!