Young Heroes in Love #8

Who wouldn't buy a comic book that declares, "Sex...and the Scarecrow!"

Before I move on to a new box of old comic books and a special side comic book project which I'll alternate with other titles, I have this last misfit comic book from the stack. It's a misfit because I purchased it after reading the seven issues I already owned. I was planning on maybe finishing the entire run but then I realized to do that, I'd have to spend more money. And I was tired of spending money on comic books. They really haven't been worth the cover price since sometime in the early nineties. I almost didn't do a "review" of this issue because it doesn't fit the scope of my "project." But then I also thought, "What the fuck else am I going to do?!" Can't argue with that logic!

Or can I? Because after I finished that paragraph, I wandered away from the computer to try to hook up my Xbox 360 headset (the best headset I've ever used) to my Xbox One and failed. Then I remembered I needed to write my review of We Learn Nothing by Tim Kreider. Then I also did a poo. And I rebuilt my cat Gravy's castle after she destroyed it chasing a moth. So there's actually a lot of other things I can do! Like maybe I'm going to go for a walk right now! Be right back!

I'm back! I also ate breakfast and watched the episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation where we're introduce to Jean-Luc McBorg.

This issue begins with The Scarecrow murdering two guys he does not have sex with. To say I'm disappointed would be redundant because I'm always disappointed by everything. Is there an efficient way to get total amnesia so I can experience everything for the first time again? Maybe I should have waited until my forties to do all that LSD.

At least the scene after The Scarecrow's prudish murders starts to get titillating.

The next line, I'm guessing: "Oh no! I'm picking up the phone and my pants just fell down!"

Oh, it turns out The Scarecrow didn't kill those guys. He was just messing with them. It also turns out that nobody gets a phone shoved up their butt. So many fucking disappointments at every turn! What else is fucking new?!

The team sit around headquarters for half the comic book talking about fucking Bonfire and working for the government. I mean, some of them talk about fucking Bonfire and some of the other ones talk about working for the government. They weren't all boning Bonfire and most of them probably don't want to work for the government. I probably shouldn't lump them all into one pronoun, ignoring the fact that they're all individuals with different goals and beliefs and ways to fuck Bonfire.

Bonfire, of course, knows the sexiest way to fuck Bonfire. I'm not imagining it now nor am I realizing some things in life don't disappoint.

Although I, myself, am probably a huge disappointment to my parents, writing online how I'm sexually attracted to fictional characters. Maybe if my dad read this, he'd be relieved that I'm expressing attraction to a female fictional character. But then he hasn't yet gotten to the paragraph where I go on about how I'd like to get my tongue stuck to Frostbite's butthole.

Halfway through the comic book, the Young Heroes in Love (their official super hero group name, I think?) encounter The Scarecrow.

The way The Scarecrow is holding that fear gas canister is something I can't comment on because I just learned I have young readers.

Imagine me thinking, for years, that I only had adult readers! What fucking adult would be entertained by this bullshit?!

Every single one of the Young Heroes (in Love!) collapses in fear. That's me reading a few pages of a bunch of them experiencing nightmares, shrugging my shoulders, and saying out loud to the cat, "That was probably all of them! Not one of them wasn't affected! I suppose I could double check to see which one might have held their breath but why bother? I'm sure that was all of them. It was definitely a lot of them. Look, cat. See that one? That's Bonfire and that's almost her butthole. What a skimpy costume, right?!"

Oh yeah. That's the one I forgot about. The leader, What's-His-Name.

Some of you are thinking, "How could you forget the most important character? You know, the muscular blonde white heterosexual guy?" Or some of you would be thinking that if I hadn't alienated you years ago with my total soy boy cuck ethos. Weird that that's what it's called nowadays. I remember when it used to be described as compassionate, thoughtful, and inclusive. But what do I care? I'm not the gigantic asshole (which is what you abrasive, selfish dickholes were called then and what you're called now and what you will be called forevermore).

The issue ends with another member of the team trying to fuck Bonfire. This time it's Icicle or whatever his name is. They kiss and nothing blows up or melts (at least nothing that can be shown in an unrated comic book).

Young Heroes in Love #8 Rating: B+. I really love the art. And that's saying something because I normally ignore the art. My criticism isn't art criticism. It's word criticism. I criticize words. And the words in this issue were all the correct words in all the correct places. So thumbs up, I guess?

Young Heroes in Love #7

Sex, Lies, and Pierced Nipples.

Young Heroes in Love ran for 17 issues and this is the last issue I own. I'm enjoying it enough that maybe I'll pick up one back issue per week until I complete the collection or it takes a turn for the worse. I'm kind of hoping that this issue is terrible so I don't feel the need to purchase any of the remaining issues!

I'd rather read "Young Heroes Butt-plugged."

In this issue, the characters all get a week off. So they finally get civilian names. Except for Frostbite because he's fucking weird. And probably some kind of elf. Maybe he's from a race of elves where they're all named for human maladies, diseases, or injuries. He's gone off to the Arctic, probably to meet up with his brother Leprosy and his sister Stomach Cramps.

Bonfire spends her week getting shot down by editors at the magazine "Meta." Hard Drive spend his week ruining small countries through fiscal shenanigans. Monstergirl spends her week telling her parents she isn't going to marry an old family friend they want her to marry (probably because he's a Monsterboy). Thunderhead and Junior spend their week stealing from vending machines. Off-ramp spends his week getting dumped by somebody named "K".

Oh wait! A week takes a lot longer than a lot of those actions I just described. I guess those experiences are just how their weeks started.

Zip-Kid spends the week letting the readers know her boyfriend is a stereotypical goon so we don't judge her when she finally fucks Junior.

It's only 22 pages and eight characters doing different things so how their weeks start is pretty much all that happens. Junior plays some chess and reveals he's in love. Thunderhead works some gigs as a bouncer and refuses to tell Off-ramp that he fucked Bonfire (although he actually fucked Monstergirl). Bonfire decides to write a story about the Young Heroes. And Off-ramp teleports to Italy to check on a baby that he claims is his.

Young Heroes in Love #7 Rating: B-. Weird that an issue where the characters all get some down time feels like it had less characterization than a regular issue. Usually that's the opposite of how comic books work! I guess having to separate all the characters into their own little mini-stories rather than having them interact cuts down the amount of characterization opportunities. It still might be worth picking up Issue #8. We'll see how I feel on Wednesday. Or if I even remember to check the back issues while I'm at the comic book store.

Young Heroes in Love #6

I was expecting Monstergirl to spin webs but not from her fingers.

Growing up, I thought the word "betrayal" was a command so every kid in my class named Al hated my fucking guts.

Also, I'm constantly confused by the name Al because whenever anybody named Al accomplishes anything, I first think that some super smart robot AI just accomplished it.

This issue is called "You'll Never Walk Alone into the Furnace of Unstable Molecules." I have not been discussing the names of the issues. You might be able to guess why. They're all like that.

Issue #1: "Your Lips! Your Eyes! Your Nuclear Breath Vision!"
Issue #2: "Look Before You Leap into the Telekinetic Proto-Bomb!"
Issue #3: "Two Hearts Beat as One Giant Undead Guy!"
Issue #4: "Cry Me a River of Nigh Irresistible Beams!"
Issue #5: "Out of the Frying Pan and into the Trans-Universal Galacto-Storm!"

They're probably secret messages which need the Young Heroes in Love secret decoder butt plug to decipher. Sure, I own it so I could decipher the messages but it's kind of being used right now for its other intended purpose.

The issue begins not with Bonfire exposing Hard Drive's manipulations of the Young Heroes but Bonfire waking up in bed having been mind controlled to forget that she was exposing Hard Drive's secrets. Or she did expose them and later, after Hard Drive recovered his spent powers, he simply mind controlled everybody to forget it and now everything is back to normal. At least until Tara realizes what Willow has done and then sings a duet with Giles about how she was violated by Willow and then everything will fucking just fall apart. Seriously, just stop watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer after the musical. Just pretend it all works out for the best. Because it eventually does! At least until Angel brings about the end of the world. With dragons!

With sexual applications!

I mean, I don't have a clitoris but I'm just going to assume that doing anything to it is good. Yeah?

Meanwhile, a villain team known as The Ratpack are busy extorting a school for three thousand dollars. The members of the Ratpack: Mongoose Lord, Doc Ferret, She-Weasel, Flying Squirrel, King Rat, Gerbil-Girl, Whiskers the Living Hamster, and Captain Kangaroo Rat. It's like a meta(l)gene bomb exploded in a pet store. Being that I'm a fucking weirdo who isn't afraid to admit that he has sexual fantasies about comic book characters, I'd just like to say that I've already imagined three different sexy scenarios involving me and Gerbil-Girl.

Also, what the fuck does Whiskers think Hamsters are? Zombies? Why is he the "living" hamster?

Gerbil-Girl is so mad at my dick.

The school contacts the Young Heroes because even though they don't think the money is too much of a hassle, they fucking hate filthy rats. Nobody likes rats! At least not the metaphorical ones. You know the saying: whiskers get stichers. But real rats are adorable. At least the ones that pet stores sell and not the ones that climb out of your toilet in the middle of the night.

While the team stakes out the school waiting for the Ratpack, they get to discuss relationship problems! It's the entire reason for this comic book to exist. Bonfire is all, "I want to fuck Thunderhead but I'm not sure I'm ready to fuck Thunderhead, you know?" And Monstergirl is all, "I love fucking Hard Drive but I'm not sure I want to be with Hard Drive!" And Bonfire is all, "I don't even remember that I want to fuck Frostbite!" And Monstergirl is all, "I know, right?!" And Grunion Guy is all, "Our initials are exactly the same! I know Gerbil-Girl and I will be happy together forever!"

Before any of the better drama can happen, like Off-ramp telling Frostbite that he wants to kiss him in a really bad place, the Ratpack crawl out of the sewers! And they almost instantly get beaten up by the Young Heroes. That's because the Young Heroes are on Issue #6 which means they're basically Level 2 or 3 and battling rats in the sewers is a total Level 1 adventure.

"Insert two fingers, Gerbilgirl! Insert two fingers!"

After the battle, Bonfire takes Thunderhead to the library because Bonfire doesn't know what libraries are for.

Outrageous! Throwing their chewing gum wrapper on the floor!

Oh no! I just read the last page of this issue and it turns out Bonfire wasn't Bonfire at all! It was Monstergirl pretending to be Bonfire! That's like, um, rape or something! Am I not allowed to like Monstergirl's ass now that it's the ass of a rapist?! I hope Bonfire doesn't treat Thunderhead the way Starfire treated Nightwing when Mirage did this to him! That was some totally unfair blaming the victim shit. Not that Nightwing was much of a victim. Look, I know this is a controversial thing to say but getting fucked by a shapeshifter who is pretending to be the person you want to fuck isn't the worst thing that can happen to a person! I wish I were friends with some horny and unethical shapeshifters right now!

Young Heroes in Love #6 Rating: A. It's too bad I can't continue to like Monstergirl anymore because she was my favorite. I could say she's even more my favorite now but that would look bad so instead I'm saying, "Gee. What a terribly unethical person. Doesn't she understand consent? She not only violated Thunderhead but Bonfire as well! In fact, now that I think about what she did to Bonfire, I'm really beginning to not like her as opposed to just saying I don't like her so that people don't tell me I'm gross. Poor Bonfire! Now her relationship with Thunderhead is tainted before it even had a chance to begin? Also, what if Monstergirl made her vagina look horrible?! Monstergirl really is a monster!" In summation, I think what Monstergirl did was super wrong so don't judge me! But Thunderhead still got laid so, I mean, was it that wrong? I mean, it was! So wrong! Terrible! The worst even!

Young Heroes in Love #5

I don't often see the "male raped by tentacle monster" version of Hentai.

I have no memory of DC's Genesis crossover event. It's possible I missed it because I was living in a Volkswagen bus traveling across country and sneaking into KOAs to shower. My reading material on that road trip was composed of issues of Stephen Seagle's House of Secrets, various Astro City graphic novels, Moore's Watchmen, and the entirety of Gaiman's The Sandman collected editions. I probably have a lot of comic book series that just stop right about the November/December 1997 cover date (which were probably on the shelves around August). If a comic book managed to make the cut, it was only because it burned itself into my memory and I eventually hunted down the issues I missed. I guess Young Heroes in Love, while I'm really enjoying it, didn't make the same impression as something like Transmetropolitan (which I got the first and maybe second issue of and then only restarted reading at Issue #13, going back later to pick up the collected editions for the first 12 issues). I should probably start paying more attention to which of my comics end right about this time.

The Genesis mini-series has something to do with a cosmic wave bouncing back and forth around the DC Universe. I guess the wave boosts power or grants power or powers meta(l)genes or something because the wave hits at the beginning of this issue and everybody's powers start freaking out. Thunderhead begins power farting all over the headquarters while Frostbite's hands turn to ice. Off-ramp self-portals and Bonfire...well, I don't know what Bonfire's hopped up powers do. It must be internal like, um, the dainty parts of women? Is that a biologically correct thing to say?

Oh wait. There she goes. Good thing it was a FWOOSH instead of a FWASH.

If you didn't understand the previous caption, just go read my Supergirl reviews. Don't think of it as homework or research. Think of it as getting to see lots of scanned images of Supergirl's bum.

Zip-Kid's power begins to fluctuate so that she grows huge zippers.

Oh shit! While reading the part where Zip-Kid grows super big, I began thinking about how everybody who reads about a metahuman like Zip-Kid or Giganta has to think about them having sex with a normal sized companion. You'd absolutely use an entire person as a dildo at least once if you could grow that big, right? And then I thought about how readers almost certainly think about how big the cock is on somebody like Apache Chief. Even if it's just a passing thought, we think those things! But they're never acknowledged in comic books because we just have to pretend that thoughts like that don't exist. And then I remembered why I love DC's Harley Quinn cartoon so much. In a recent episode, they were battling a giant and Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn actually began discussing how big the giant's penis must be. And that episode at the bar mitzvah where Harley kept bringing up finger banging with all the young boys! It's almost as if Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea paved the way for this kind of shit being acceptable! Hopefully the next cartoon will be a Batgirl cartoon based on my Batgirl diary entries where Batgirl is super horned up to get laid but it just never happens.

Hell, the DC Universe channel is killing it with most of their shows anyway. From Dick Grayson saying, "Fuck Batman," on Titans to having a Doom Patrol episode where Flex Mentallo flexes just the right muscle and causes everybody, including Danny the Street, to orgasm while Cliff Steele fakes his to fit in, they've won me over in so many ways. Swamp Thing wasn't bad but it was definitely the hardest to get through. This is why so many people love fan-fiction over the actual canon stories. Because fan-fiction isn't regulated by traditionally prudish attitudes which tend to desexualize all adults. It's one of the reasons I love British panel shows so much more than anything on American television. Because they understand that conversations with adults will contain adult material. Just the simplest of things that American television wouldn't allow make me giddy, like in a recent episode of QI when Aisling Bea has a stuffed giraffe in her lap and begins to pretend its a boner.

Hard Drive realizes people's powers are surging so he needs to go check on his brother. His brother is a more powerful telekinetic who could destroy the world if he were to wake from his coma. But Hard Drive makes sure he's never going to wake by using his mental powers on him. Off-ramp, who teleported Hard Drive to the mental hospital, realizes that if Hard Drive is doing that to his brother, he's probably fucking with the entire team with his powers.

Off-ramp him into the sun, Off-ramp!

Of course Hard Drive uses his mind control powers to get Off-ramp back on his side. He even admits to Off-ramp that he might have caused the car crash on the race course which caused Off-ramp to realize he wants to be a hero. So the Young Heroes is like the Doom Patrol if The Chief were a hot guy with actual mind control powers and Cliff, Negative Man, Rita, Josh, and Crazy Jane were all fucking each other.

Part of the Genesis story has to do with Darkseid so Kalibak is rampaging on Earth. All of Earth's real heroes are battling Darkseid by the Source Wall in deep space so its up to the Young Heroes to stop Kalibak. Unfortunately, they're all fucked up from the cosmic wave's super juice. So Hard Drive goes out on his own to defeat Kalibak. In doing so, he runs his powers dry and he isn't able to keep up the mind control lies he's been using to coerce his teammates into doing his bidding. Bonfire remembers that he convinced her to fuck Thunderhead rather than Frostbite and she decides it's time to tell everybody what an asshole Hard Drive really is.

Young Heroes in Love #5 Rating: B+. A comic book like this really exposes the major failings in a lot of other mainstream comic books. Comic book fans are used to extremely serious or gritty comic book plots coming along and changing the way readers think about stories that can be told in comic books. But rarely do we see a comic book that shows readers how much story and characterization can be stuffed into a super comic booky comic book. This comic book isn't doing anything different. It's not a commentary on super heroes; it's not satire; it's not an intelligent dissection of any grand moral themes of existence. It's just a book about amateur super heroes trying to figure out how to be super heroes and doing it somewhat successfully. It's also about young people and the drama they can get into due to romantic entanglements and colliding passions. But it does it to such a high degree that can easily go unnoticed as "just a silly young person comic book." Even the art plays up the whimsical attitude in such an attractive way that it's easy to miss how on the mark this book is in super hero terms. A 22 page comic book about eight separate characters and it finds time to give them all substantial roles to play, and nice moments of dialogue. It might be light on action but when are the action scenes anything but filler, really? It provides just the right amount of action to supplement the real drama that is the character interaction. It's just really fucking well done and I might have to pick up the rest of the series.

Young Heroes in Love #4

If Junior hits it off with Zip-Kid, he can stop fucking mice.

I don't want to assume that Junior and Zip-Kid are going to become romantically involved just because she's got the only vagina he won't drown in. Certainly she has her own agency and wasn't specifically created so that Junior can have a romantic love interest, right? Right guys? Tell me I'm right. Please?

I don't really remember Zip-Kid too well because she isn't gay and I didn't have to write a letter to DC that purported to be about her sexual identity but was in fact about me and how lonely I was. But I think she can actually adjust her size which it seems Junior can't. So why would she want to fuck Junior when she can bang Hard Drive? I bet Zip-Kid comes so hard when she's small and wraps herself around a regular sized dick. Now everybody who likes dick is probably thinking about how awesome that would be because it totally would be awesome. I'll let you think about it for a few more seconds.

Okay! That's enough! Get your mind back on comic books, you disgusting perverts!

Everybody is sad because they're being drawn by a guest artist.

Hard Drive has run off crying so Superman is all, "That guy don't seem so hard." Blushing little lightning bolts, Superman clarifies, "In the British sense and not in the erotic sense." I wonder what Superman Red was doing while Superman Blue was fighting Tottenjaeger? That might sound like a stupid question to people who actually knew what was going on with electric Superman after he returned from the dead. I never read any of those comic books. I'm sure one of my friends explained it to me at the time but it must not have been interesting enough for my mind to retain it.

Superman questions Hard Drive's leadership skills because Superman can't remember a single time Batman ran out of the room crying. He never even did that when Kevin Smith was writing him! But Zip-Kid appears for the first time and is all, "I'm Zip-Kid! You don't know me or my huge tits (huge for a tiny woman, that is!) but let me explain what just happened." She then provids a stupid excuse as to why Hard Drive lost his temper and ran away crying which Superman readily accepts because he's a naive and gullible idiot. Unless he's just too kind to question anybody's honesty and simply knows when a person is lying to save face on all sides. Maybe Superman is the opposite of a naive and gullible idiot. Maybe I'm the naive and gullible idiot!

No, no way. My mom certainly would have yelled that at me at least once growing up if I were one.

Zip-Kid heard the mummy was back and figured the Young Heroes would be back too so she thought she'd appear and try to be recruited. She's pretty hot so that means she probably automatically makes the team. Unless she still has to declare which two other members with which she'll become entangled in a romantic triangle and she'll only then be a full-fledged member.

Last issue, Bonfire read a hidden message in Frostbite's ice sculpture so she confronts him about it now.

Pretty sure the filthy message was for Off-ramp and the guest artist wasn't told Frostbite shouldn't look so happy about Bonfire wanting to sit on his dick.

Hard Drive hears Bonfire's lustful words to Frostbite and once again uses his mind powers to get her to forget him. Frostbite doesn't notice and I don't know why. I think when Bonfire said she wanted to dip his icicle in her foundry, he grimaced, awkwardly adjusted his neck tie, and excused himself stage left.

Junior makes a pass at Zip-Girl only to find she not only has huge tits and a gigantic zipper but also a boyfriend. A mouse, watching from under the sofa, tightens its sphincter, squeaks, and runs away.

Frostbite seems upset that Bonfire suddenly wants to fuck Thunderhead again which seems weird because I'm fairly certain he's gay. I suppose I should trust the story I'm reading rather than my memory since the me that made that memory probably hadn't put as much thought into bisexuality as the me that's currently writing this. Although that probably isn't a whole lot more. Me back then probably would have been, "Is that a thing?" And me now is more like, "Oh yeah. That guy fucks chicks and guys. Cool beans." Although by 1997, I'd already been propositioned by my friend Doom Bunny's friend Michael when we were both sleeping in Doom Bunny's living room after a party. Michael climb up from the floor so we were chest to chest and leaned in close and asked, "Have you ever been with a guy?" I said, "No." And then he said, "Do you want to be?" And I said, "No-o-o-o?" Then he said, "Oh, sorry!" Then as I lay there in the dark feeling horny, I thought, "Why aren't I bisexual? I sure wouldn't mind being jerked off right now!" So I totally would have thought about bisexuality by the time I read this!

At some point, Zip-Girl returns to normal size and everybody becomes annoyed with Junior because he doesn't. He then has to confide that he's incapable of changing size. It's so emasculating that I can hardly feel enjoyment in this next scan.

Va-va-va—oh, poor Junior—voom!

Junior almost quits but then he and Frostbite walk in on Thunderhead and Bonfire boning and the intense drama pulls him back into the team. Plus, you know, maybe he still has a chance with Zip-Girl.

Young Heroes in Love #4 Rating: B+. The Teen Titans was never this good. How could it run for 120 or more issues and this comic book only went for 18? Oh wait. I know how. Because comic book fans are idiots who will read any comic book, no matter how shitty, as long as it has a character they love. This comic book only had new characters so it already lost a good portion of its potential audience right out of the gate. Comic books with new heroes are like going to a concert and hearing the band play songs off the new album. Nobody wants that shit! Give us Batman and Free Bird!

Young Heroes in Love #3

Who is "Symbol of Hope"uperman?

I can't get over my astonishment that this title exists. Not that I don't see the market for a a group of superheroes who look hot and love to fuck each other. Look at Legion of Super-heroes. What I find perplexing was that the higher-ups at DC thought naming a comic book Young Heroes in Love was a marketable idea. It ran for 18 issues (plus a Year One Million issue) so somebody at DC sort of knew what they were doing. Eighteen issues isn't setting the world on fire but it's not nothing. I think the font used for the title probably helped sell the idea. It says, "This isn't actually romance, you stupid nerds. It's going to be a lot of fun with loads of sexy bodies doing loads of sexy things!" Plus all the letters look like they're involved in an orgy. Look at how those "O"s are asking for it!

I might be in a weird place tonight where I can't help but see letters having sex with each other. Look at the unabashed portrayal of gay anal sex taking place in the XFL LA Wildcats logo:

Too bad the "L" doesn't have an extra line to provide a reach around for the "A". I fully support these two gay letter lovers. Go Gay Wildcats!

I seriously might get back into football based on this logo alone. Oh, not real football of course! Just the XFL. Their slogan should be, "Are you ready for some sort-of football?" Or what about, "Are you ready for some football but football won't start again for six months? Try us!" Or maybe just the simple yet effective, "The XFL: close enough!"

I wish I could remember why I purchased this comic book back in 1997. My guess is that I loved the look of the animation-like art. Plus I was always looking for more comic books that looked fun rather than grim and serious. It almost certainly had nothing to do with all of the skimpy and tight fitting costumes. I've never really been into spandex outfits like the kind Booster Gold wears. You know the kind! The kind that shows every outline of muscle and hugs both butt cheeks right up the crack but shows nary a hint of cock. I mean, how does that even work?! You know how many tiny flaccid dongs and bulging ball bags I've had to look at during Comic-con because we can't get comic book spandex technology in the real world?! I hate when people use terms like schizophrenia and OCD and PTSD casually but fuck it. I have PTSD from the several San Diego Comic-cons I've been to! You can't tell me my PTSD is any less severe than the PTSD suffered from a soldier blown to shit in Iraq due to an illegal war perpetrated by old white cronies of big oil! So they had to go through years and years of physical therapy and reconstructive surgery! I HAD TO LOOK AT OTHER MENS' TINY BOBBLELOOGS UNDER STRANGELY SHAPED FATTY UPPER PELVIC AREAS!

Now that everybody is on my side with my entirely rational and well-thought out defense of my trauma, let's discuss the sexiness of page one of this issue.

If you didn't consider, even for just a nanosecond, masturbating to this image, you're a monster. Or you're asexual. Did that save me from seeming to think asexuals are monsters or did it just make it worse?

Here's a thought I just had and since I have nowhere else to put it, it gets into the comic book review: Frankenstein's monster was just trying to save Frankenstein from marrying his sister/first cousin. Oh sure, to do that, he kills her. But that's a whole other philosophical debate whether incest is worse than murder. I mean, who can really know which is worse?!

One thing I love to point out is that Victor Frankenstein wanted to fuck his sister. Because somebody inevitably points out that Elizabeth was his step-sister and then I know exactly where the incest line is drawn with those weirdos.

How did I start talking about Frankenstein? Oh yeah! It was when I said asexuals were monsters! I mean, I didn't say that! Why would I say that?! I don't care if somebody doesn't feel the need to have sex. I've had crushes on women like that my whole life! The real monsters are the undead parodies of life which blaspheme the holy word of God created by asexuals in their filthy college dorm rooms.

It's been awhile since I read Frankenstein but Victor does create the monster in his dorm room at college and not in a lab, right? I think I'm remembering that correctly!

This is what's wrong with the Internet (and yet, also, so absolutely right with it. It allows me to digress to my heart's content!): you have to constantly over-explain everything or else somebody is going to get angry at you when they misunderstand something you've written! I mean, sure, plenty of people looked at that first page of Issue #3 and didn't think, "I'm going to touch myself until I explode in sexual pleasure!" They don't even have to be asexual to not have thought that! But I decided to call all of those people who didn't think like I did monsters. It's just the way the world works! But after doing that, I thought, "Well shit. I don't mind calling people who wouldn't jerk off to this image monsters because that's funny and actually satire about how we 'other' people who think differently than us." But then I also thought, "But couldn't this be interpreted as me calling people with no sex drive monsters? That's not fair to them even if it's funny when it's about people with sex drives and rational minds who don't have blood rush to their genitals when they look at cartoon bodies! I should make sure nobody misunderstands that that's what I meant!" But then there's the part of me that decides to make a joke of it all so that it seems like I'm denying that I called asexuals monsters while also keeping it entirely plausible that maybe that's what I was doing!

Anyway, look at Thunderhead's hot ass and Bonfire's perfect boobs and the way Bonfire's legs are crossed and the way the guys are touching the mummy's phallic symbol. This confirms that every mission they go on is a metaphor for sex because why else would they be hanging the mummy's two-handed sword — a huge penis metaphor — in their trophy room?

Fucking hell. I'm only on page one of this stupid comic book and I've already written a short novella! I mean a short novella for the Internet age. Obviously if this were 1971, I'd have to add about 25,000 more words and probably add a few characters who were actually cybernetic creatures.

Wow. Page Two just looked up "subtlety" in the dictionary and tore it out, pissed on it, ate it, shit it out, and burned it.

Was the joke that once they removed subtlety from the dictionary that they couldn't have destroyed it in a subtle way too subtle? Just asking so I can point aggressively at my mom and scream, "See?! They understood the joke, you shrew!"

Back to the smart comic book stuff that is my signature content, is it okay for the Young Heroes to murder a rampaging mummy and then steal his magic sword as a trophy? Monstergirl can turn into a monster so would it be okay for Superman to kill her while in monster form? With all the heroes and villains and sentient beings from other dimensions, why are heroes allowed to kill certain adversaries?! The mummy was speaking like any other person obsessed with Egyptology and weird dialects. Should I have been allowed to kill my opponent at the Magic the Gathering tournament because he kept saying "thy turn" and "your go, my lord" and also he looked like a troglodyte? And nobody would have cared if I just scooped up his Magic collection and went home to hang it on my wall?! If I were part of the press witnessing the Young Heroes' first adventure, I would definitely be asking a lot more questions than the idiots who covered the event in this comic book.

Everybody writes about how this was one of the first DC comic books to depict a gay relationship but nobody ever mentions Bonfire's Adam's apple. Maybe this comic book was even more progressive than we realized!

Junior begins questioning the team's encounter with the mummy. Like how the mummy's name was TotenJaeger the Relentless. Knowing as much German as I do, that name means "Dead from alcohol." Unless it means "Dead Hunter the Relentless" or "The Relentless Hunter of the Dead." I don't know all the German! Just a few things like Ziege and Waschbär and Meerschweinchen. If the mummy had been called "Ziegentasche the Unfillable," I would have totally nailed the translation.

Junior also begins wondering where this mummy came from or if he has a villainous history. Off-ramp thinks the mummy was looking for a woman which aligns with what I thought. That means Off-ramp is the smartest member of the group.

How does nobody start referring to Thunderhead as the "Man of Steal" after this?

I wish I hadn't packed away the Galactic Hero Corps figures I made about two decades ago. The Galactic Hero Corps is the first 'zine I ever published with some friends. One of the characters was named Greased Lightning and I made a figure of him out of an old Wonder Man action figure. Basically I just painted him black and white. He looked a lot like Thunderhead. But I didn't steal the idea because we already had art for Greased Lightning a few years before Young Heroes in Love was published.

In what's visible, you can sort of see how his costume differs. Also we had a mummy on the team. Super Mummy aka Pharaoh Nanotoknonnen. And, yes, I did the art for this issue because our artist flaked. Later we had a couple of new artists work on the 'zine. One of them was Dan Santat, the creator of Disney's The Replacements. His art was the best.

Looking at various pics of Greased Lightning, it's less like Thunderhead than I remembered. I guess I feel better about that?

The Young Heroes sit around talking about the costumes of other heroes for a bit. Then there's a Kool-Aid advertisement that shows Kool-Aid Man in hiking shorts and shoes. So does that mean that every time he broke through some kid's wall, he was fucking naked?! Hopefully that monster is currently in a cell next to Subway's Jared Fogle.

While the team is distracted by the revelation that Kool-Aid Man's penis was apparently visible in all of those old Kool-Aid commercials, the mummy steals back his sword. Hard Drive informs everybody that the mummy and th sword are made from ecotplasm so that explains everything. He's back rampaging on the base though, probably because he's still looking for the Queen Mummy that cucked him into beta status.

The team arrives at the base to find Superman battling the mummy. This causes them to all narrate other people they think of as heroes. It's nice shorthand to realize which characters are total assholes.

We already knew Hard Drive was a slimy turd who forces himself on others with his mind powers so his liking Reagan isn't a surprise. But Dennis Miller, Monstergirl?! Ugh. Now I have to reconsider how much I like that ass. Even in 1997, Dennis Miller was pretty shit. But I think in 1997, Mel Gibson had yet to reveal just how terrible he was. Bonfire gets a pass.

Also, one of Frostbite's heroes is Paul Bunyan? How old is Frostbite? Eight? Other possibly problematic heroes in this list, depending on what you choose to believe: Elvis. Pete Townsend. John Lennon. Mahatma Gandhi. Martin Luther King, Jr. Red Cloud. Michael Jordan. Cesar Chavez. George Patton. William S. Burroughs. Jerry Lee Lewis. Albert Einstein. Arnold Schwarzenegger. JFK. Alexander the Great. King Arthur. So pretty much everybody but Wayne Gretzky. Unless Frostbite was being literal when his thought of his hero as "Wayne Gretsky." I don't know who that is but I'm sure he once scooted too closely to a woman on the subway while putting his hand on her hip and leaning in for a sniff.

I don't want to argue whether or not some of the people listed were not problematic at all! That misses the entire point of me declaring that only Wayne Gretzky is fit to be a hero in this day and age. Also, don't send me articles of terrible things Gretzky has done! I don't want to know!

Frostbite stops the mummy by freezing him and then Hard Drive asks Superman to join the Young Heroes.

Exactly what I'd expect from a Reagan fan!

After this confontation, Hard Drive runs off crying while Monstergirl revels in his misery.

Young Heroes in Love #3 Rating: A. No, seriously. I think this comic book really works well. It's fun and nice to look at (in a non-sexual way! I'm not always a pervert). It has a large group of characters but is able to give them all equal time and space. There's a lot of down time talking which I love because I want to know the characters and their relationship dynamics. The fighting is never that important to me. And when they do get to the battle, they fight a mummy that just looks cool. It's got everything I need in a comic book and I'm already sad that I only have 7 of the 18 issues.

Young Heroes in Love #2

I wonder who's going to fuck the mummy?

My theory is that all of the adventures the Young Heroes will go on will be metaphors for sex. First up, a mummy. Mummy's are obviously phallic symbols because everything is a phallic symbol. Unless it's whatever you call the symbol for a vagina that nobody but Gillian Anderson actually knows. Sure, we could all immediately ask Siri and Siri will be all, "What's your sudden interest in vaginas, virgin?" And then when she gets tired of listening to me...I mean us cry, she'll say, "It's yonic, you stupid baby wanker." So maybe a mummy is a yonic symbol. Mummy is close to mommy and yonis are symbols of motherhood, right? Yonis are used for motherhood and perpetuating the species while phalluses are used to swing in the face of the next guy (as long as the next guy has a tiny phallus. You don't want it to backfire and wind up getting a huge one swung at you!).

Maybe I just can't know what a mummy represents since most mummies come from cultures different than mine and what are the chances I know anything about those cultures?! I can't ask Siri because she always sounds disgusted with me. Stupid judgmental technology. If it doesn't want to hear me jerk off, maybe shut its dumb hearing sensors off some time!

What I'm trying to say is that I don't actually own a Siri. Why would I let that eavesdropping asshole into the privacy of my home?! I already reveal too much willingly on this stupid blog that I was probably cursed by a mummy to write. There has to be an ancient curse of a reason as to why I'm still writing it.

No wait. What I was really trying to say is that maybe I shouldn't jump to any conclusions about what the mummy represents. I should probably read the story first.

This issue begins with Thunderhead blaming his own character flaw on all women.

Just because Thunderhead was too dumb and horny to not jump off of a roof because a beautiful woman asked him to doesn't mean he should blame all women for it.

I understand that people will do stupid things to impress a person they want to fuck. But any time anybody decides to do that stupid thing in the hopes of getting a hand down their pants, they need to understand that the consequences are all theirs. Not the person they're trying to impress. And certainly not everybody who just happens to be the same gender as that person. Thunderhead might as well fall to the ground lamenting, "People named Bonfire." It's still his big dumb thick head and possibly his penis with the same adjectives that are to blame for this stupid decision.

The giant bandaged genitalia monster doesn't attack in the first half of the comic book because this comic book is about young heroes trying to get laid. So a lot of the plot has one character asking another character, "So? Are you two going to fuck?" And then the other character is all, "Ha ha! Um, well, I mean...." And then Hard Drive uses his psychic ability to stop somebody from doing something he doesn't want them to do. It's all about intrigue and young people in tight and skimpy costumes. It might be the best comic book I've ever read!

I feel like this is the kind of comic book a younger me would have been embarrassed to purchase. And yet it was younger me who definitely purchased it and kept purchasing it for nearly a year. And I don't think I stopped reading it based on anything about the comic book. I think I just stopped because I was taking a road trip across the United States and probably forgot about it when scanning the new book racks of strange, new comic book stores.

After all the drama reaches all the right climactic tension points to be resolved at a later date, the Young Heroes head out to fight a mummy attacking an army base.

The mummy is an omen which none of the Young Heroes will probably heed! It's representative of unfaithful love! And maybe a big dick!

The team easily defeats the mummy but give no thought to whatever the mummy was rambling about. I'm pretty sure he was after a queen mummy which we all know from mummy chess is the most powerful mummy. Instead of investigating the army warehouse where the mummy was headed, they give interviews to some reporters who just happened to be at the army base, probably hoping for a big mummy attack to help their careers.

The issue ends with Monstergirl looking at the reader in a way that says, "I'm also hiding some secrets and boy oh boy is Hard Drive going to be sorry! But not until after he fucks me good!"

Young Heroes in Love #2 Rating: A+! This is probably the best comic book I've ever read. I'm not lying. I never lie. I create hyperbolic fictions that somehow speak an innate truth and thus can never be categorized as a lie.

Young Heroes in Love #1

Simon Bisley was busted for drawing a penis in Lobo's musculature but it's okay for Dev Madan to draw this filth?!

Obviously I picked up this comic book because the first word on the cover was sex. Also the drippy post-sex penis bottle. I'm not the only one who sees that and immediately thinks, "Oh yeah. That's a penis going flaccid after sex and leaking the last of its cum shot," right? And the wine glass full of jizz is, well, I've gotten too graphic already! Kids read this blog! Nasty, dirty pervert kids.

What if I really did care about kids reading this blog? What kind of pressure do people put on themselves when they're constantly thinking of the children? Or do people only consider the children when they see somebody else doing something they don't approve of? That feels more like the society I know.

Out in Portland, we currently have billboards for Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Being an adult person without kids and never thinking of children at all in any way (my home is probably the least child safe space on the inner three planets), I never would have thought twice about the title of that musical. But apparently my 11 year old niece asked her mother, "What's an angry inch?" I didn't find out how she explained it but I would have said, "It's a sideways grimace on an eyeless face. Just a little bulge, honey. Now shut up." My point is that it's a complicated, adult world out there and anybody who ever uses the argument, "What about the children?", can go fuck themselves. Besides, you can't hide stuff that you think is inappropriate from kids. The simple act of trying to hide something or expressing disapproval of something to kids will cause the kids to suss out the thing you're keeping from them. Back in 2nd Grade, my class was in the yard flying paper airplanes. Mine was terrible and when it crashed instantly, I yelled, "Mine sucks the big one!" I had no idea that was somehow a dirty phrase until my teacher yelled at me for having said it and punished me by sitting on the bench for the rest of the activity. Sitting on that bench confused, I had plenty of time to work out in my head what could have been so filthy about the thing I said. I had no knowledge of oral sex or sexual pleasure, for that matter, but I'm pretty sure I worked out that "the big one" was probably a penis. Especially since I couldn't imagine why somebody would suck on a penis which must have been why the phrase was used for something terrible. Who would want to suck on a penis? Especially a big one!

It's entirely possible that I didn't completely work that out back then and my memory of the moment has changed through the lens of adult knowledge. But I definitely know that I didn't know what I was saying was wrong until I was punished for saying it. It probably wasn't long after that that I wrote on the sidewalk in front of Peter Martin's house, in pencil, "Fuck Peter Martin." Why? Who the fuck knows?! Do you need a reason to do anything as a kid? Kids are fucking chaotic, man.

If I had to rate this comic book after reading just the first page, I'd give it an A+.

The three characters being introduced on this page are Off-Ramp, Thunderhead, and Monstergirl's ass. I'm super into one of those characters.

These young heroes not yet in love are waiting for more heroes to arrive so that maybe they can fall in love. Also, "fall in love" is probably a euphemism because DC wouldn't let Dan Raspler call this comic book "Young Heroes Sucking Each Other Off and Fingering Buttholes."

The next three members of the team are Hard Drive, Bonfire, and Junior. Hard Drive has telekinetic powers which doesn't match his name so I'm assuming "Hard Drive" has to do with his sexual potency. Bonfire is a woman with fire powers and a skimpy suit. Junior is a teeny tiny guy who maybe has no powers? He's just the size of a mouse. He calls himself "The man of several inches" which is probably a sex joke but not a very good one?

Off-Ramp is a teleporter, Thunderhead has super strength, and Monstergirl turns into a monster. So she's even sexier than I first thought! I'd bang the Loch Ness Monster if it had an ass like that.

Bonfire and Monstergirl rush off to the side to talk about the boys the way all female characters do because that's what females do in real life. At least I think it must be because that's what all female characters do and why would female characters be so different than actual females? That would be incredibly damaging! Just imagine boys growing up reading women written by men if men weren't trying to accurately portray women! Do you realize how that could cause them to objectify women and treat them as lesser beings without any personal agency? I mean if they had any! Obviously they don't because I've been reading women characters written by men my whole life and all they do is talk about what boys they want to smooch. They're so adorable!

The final member of the team: Pierced Erect Nipple Boy!

Frostbite is so gay that Off-Ramp just teleported his dick straight up Frostbite's asshole. Oh yeah, Off-Ramp is gay too, if I remember correctly. I have a terrible memory for comic books but I have a great memory for gay characters due to my letter writing campaigns telling DC Comics they were going to Hell for publishing this filth. "Dear DC," I would say politely before becoming a raving bigot, "I am perplexed as to why you think us macho straight readers would want to read about two gay men doing things to each other that no woman has yet allowed me to do to them. It's terribly upsetting and makes me think being straight is a mistake and a huge waste of my time. Imagine how many times I would have been laid by now if I were gay! Probably a lot because other men are probably a lot like me and want to have sex too with whoever will let them. The trouble is that no women are letting me! Especially the ones I want to let me! And now I have to see Frostbite and Off-Ramp jerking each other off and licking each other's balls and putting things in each other's butts and kissing passionately and falling in love and having a real, intimate connection with another human being. How unfair is that to me, a virgin heterosexual?! Please do not do anymore gay things in your comic book until I have had sex. Although I would not mind seeing Nightwing fuck Deathstork because that would not be gay at all. If it's super hot gay sex, it transcends being gay or straight and becomes gayterosexual. Is that a thing or am I just gay? Please respond!"

After they pick up Frostbite, Monstergirl and Bonfire rush off to prove that they're individuals by engaging in a conversation that doesn't involve which hoobaloo they're going to stick up their thingablob.

Oh wait. Maybe I was thinking of a later scene.

To be fair to whomever it seems I'm not being fair to, Thunderhead and Junior rush off to discuss in which thingablob they're going to stick their hoobaloo.

Hard Drive gets Bonfire alone and uses his psychic powers on her to make her attracted to Thunderhead. It seems ominous, especially since he keeps saying, "For the good of the team," but maybe he's just trying to save her feelings so she doesn't fall for the gay guy. Or maybe he's just afraid if the fire powered woman and the ice powered man have sex, something other than sexual organs is going to explode.

After Hard Drive gives his big speech to rally the troops, he rushes off to fuck Monstergirl.

"Dear DC," my letter began, "I am perplexed as to why you think us virginal comic book readers would want to see two heterosexuals doing things that no woman has yet allowed me to do to them. It's terribly upsetting...".

Young Heroes in Love #1 Rating: A+! Happy Valentines Day!

Superman #13

This is no time to be taking a selfie, Supes.

The Review!
This issue is about love and reflection and monsters in love too. That last part is the best part. I don't care that Superman gets a renewed perspective on his family life. I just like Frankenstein and Lady Frankenstein at each other's throats. And I especially like that Frankenstein still pines for Lady Frankenstein even though he blew the relationship apart because she did something he did not approve of. Sure, that something was killing their only child. But it's not like she approved of that either! She didn't want that to happen! But her son begged her and, being his mother, and knowing that he was in pain due to the destruction and hurt he'd caused, and that once his moment of clarity ended he would go back to that, she killed him. For the greater good. And Frankenstein hurt her even more by not accepting that and not being there for her. Instead he decided to take out his anger and mourning on her when she most needed love and comfort. So when he asks her to return to him, she, quite rightly, tells him to fuck off. Now that's a love story I can appreciate!

The Ranking!
+1!

Green Lanterns #3

Congratulations! It only took you three issues to pull the oldest fucking trick in the book and have the heroes fight each other, Sam Humphries!

The Commentary!
I haven't read the comic book so my caption for the cover could be wrong. I know better than to trust the covers of comic books. They lie worse than my sister in Junior High¹. But in this case, I'm going to assume the cover isn't lying because Simon and Jessica are up against the Red Lanterns and they like to make people angry. So Jess and Si are probably going to be influenced by the Red Rage which will amplify all of their feelings of annoyance at the other and they'll wind up battling. Jessica will probably lose because she can't make light constructs and she doesn't have a gun.

I'm trying really, really hard not to rant about how much I ha...oh fuck it. Here I go!

Why the fuck do comic book writers insist on writing narration as if the main character is speaking directly to the reader? I bet you anything every one of these fucking writers who use this crutch think Catcher in the Rye is a fantastic novel. Well it isn't! It's terrible and awful and utter crap and only people who have never realized that they don't have to do everything everybody ever fucking told them to do would find Catcher in the Rye in any way inspiring or thought provoking! But I didn't begin this rant to shit all over J.D. Salinger (no matter how much J.D. deserves to be shat upon!)! I am completely pulled out of the story when the comic book characters decide to speak directly to me. Especially with the goddamned cutesy bullshit fuck garbage like "(Don't worry. I didn't do it.)" on this page! I'm not a fan of any Narration Boxes but I can at least stomach the ones where that mimic the old fashioned thought bubbles. I can understand bringing out the thoughts the character is having in the moment. But this fucking tripe that sounds like an actor giving the DVD Commentary on every scene? It makes my fucking dick ache. Sam Humphries owes me for anti-dick-ache medication!

Now that I'm done ranting for the moment, what is up with that list of names on the cover? Holy fuck, how many people does it take to create a mediocre comic book?! Apparently, at the last minute, some of these artists were told they were responsible for pages they were never prepared to draw!

This is proof of my previous statement! I fucking can draw cats better than this! And I stopped hiding proportion mistakes by hiding the ankles and feet behind other objects in 9th grade art thanks to Mr. Sanchez!

The last page of the first issue made it look like Atrocitus was fucking the Earth and after the revelations in this panel, I see why! He really is fucking the Earth with the Hell Tower² to plant his Rage Seed in Mother Earth's Core³. And I guess nine months later, Deathstork will deliver a rage baby who will destroy the Earth.

Atrocitus commands Bleez to stop the Green Lanterns before they can interrupt his sexing up of Mother Earth. He tells Bleez she is the best but really he just likes watching her fly away from him. Because she wears a thong and her butt is exposed! Plus the only other Red Lantern he brought with him to Earth is Dex-Starr and Dex-Starr is fucking useless. All a Green Lantern has to do is shine a green light on the wall and Dex flips the fuck out for ten minutes before totally losing his mind, flying from the room, and finding a quiet place to lick his ass for the rest of the evening.

Simon and Jessica arrive in St. Louis to battle Bleez but decide to bicker first.

How the fuck does the artist, inker, colorist, and editor have no idea about the comic book they're working on? Simon Baz's gun is real, you idiots!

Bleez arrives to show Jessica how to make simple constructs with her red ring. She learned that trick from Rankorr! Maybe Jessica will learn from watching Bleez. If Jess didn't die when Bleez attacked because she's currently trapped under some rubble.

After Simon is thrown against a building with his teddy bear, Jessica climbs out of the rubble to take her turn. But first she has to remind all of the readers that she suffers from crippling anxiety. She has to mention it in a Narration Box because you'd never guess from the way she acts in the comic books. Jess also gets thrown into a building because she's terrible at Green Lanterning. I suppose it was Volthoom doing all the work previously.

This made me chuckle. This is an acceptable Narration Box.

Simon begins to be taken over by the rage so I guess he and Jessica will fight it out soon. I bet Jessica gets the upper hand so that Simon has to grudgingly give her his respect.

Meanwhile in Dearborn, Michigan, the Bohemian Guardian has arrived to reveal what's in the box⁴. I hope it's the fabled Magenta Ring! But he'll only reveal it to the Green Lantern of Earth, so I guess the revelation of the box's contents will have to wait another issue or two since Si and Jess are busy.

Simon Baz resists the rage deep in his heart and instead decides to do that healing thing he did once before. That thing that no other Green Lantern has ever managed to do! That thing that set Simon apart from every other Earth Lantern ever created! That thing that I thought everybody completely forgot about when everybody forgot about Simon! Simon Baz decides to heal Bleez! And it works! She's transformed back into her pre-Red Lantern self! She even has her original wings! But she also retains all the memories of the horrible shit she did as a Red Lantern, which I guess is just too much for her.

Where did her little head wings go?!

Simon convinces Bleez not to kill herself and to maybe go out for pizza later. But first she tells him all about Atrocitus's Hell Tower² and how it needs to be destroyed. That's when Jessica returns and doesn't notice that Bleez looks different and that Simon has an erection.

Jessica's attack causes Bleez to return to Red Lantern status. Or maybe Simon's healing efforts simply wore off. Or maybe something really dirty happened that involves lady parts and lady fingers and little lady deaths! It's hard to tell for sure because I've already convinced myself that Bleez rubbed one out while Jessica was thinking up hilarious battle quips.

After returning to Red Lantern status, Bleez flees from the battle to hide from the Green Lanterns and from Atrocitus because she gave away his plan. So I guess no pizza then?

Simon and Jessica head back to the Hell Tower² to destroy it. But once they get there, Jessica is infected by the rage and attacks Simon. So the cover wasn't a lie! It was actually a spoiler for the last page! The battle won't take place until next issue!

The Review!
Okay, okay! Aside from the initial Narration Boxes that really just work as introductions to the story so far (but--I still maintain--do not work as a logical narrative device!), I enjoyed this comic book. A good portion of the Narration Boxes used later work as thought bubbles, so they didn't completely bug the shit out of me. And I really appreciated that Simon Baz's healing power has been brought back into the story. With so many Earth Green Lanterns, they all really need a little something that sets them apart. Hal is the fly by the seat of his pants test pilot leader! John Stewart is the architect of always having to sacrifice somebody! Simon Baz is the uplifting healer! Kyle Rayner is the guy who can think up really cool light constructs! Jessica Cruz is the Green Lantern that was evil and is now anxious! And Guy Gardner is the Green Lantern with a huge cock! See? They're all special in their own way! I just hope the Red Lanterns fuck off after this initial story and Sam Humphries imagines up some of his own cosmic conflicts rather than using Geoff Johns' fucking scraps. Except for Dex-Starr! Maybe Simon can heal Dex-Starr and get him a Green Lantern ring! Or a Blue Lantern ring! Who wouldn't want a cat sidekick that gives the heroes hope? I'm all in for that plot twist! _________________________________________________
¹She lied a lot!
²Atrocitus's nickname for his penis.
³The core is the geographically correct name for the Earth's womb.
⁴You probably already made your own Se7en joke so fuck if I'm going to look like a hack and repeat it.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #23

When you're sliding down the hall and your balls hit the wall! That's Corruption!

Last issue, Superman and Wonder Woman were working through some relationship problems. Superman told Wonder Woman he wanted to breakup and Wonder Woman told Superman to stop being a fucking baby and start doing his Goddamned job! Then they kidnapped Parasite to use as a marital aid. See, since they're both so invulnerable, they can't really feel intimacy between them. They usually just go through the motions with Superman saying "Do you feel anything?" and Wonder Woman lying like all women who are tired of being passive-aggressively accused of being the fault for not having an orgasm and saying, "Oh. Yes. That was definitely a job for Superman." Then Superman, who couldn't feel anything either because of that invulnerability, pretends to finish, pulls out his limp cock, rolls over, and falls asleep. That's when Wonder Woman takes out the special polearm Hephaestus made for her. But with Parasite draining their powers, they can both enjoy coitus! Or they can all enjoy coitus because wouldn't Parasite also drain sexual energy and eventually spray his purple jizz all over the rutting superheroes?

That point is called "orgasm."

Superman offers to let Parasite go if he does what Superman says. That seems a little irresponsible of Superman! He's putting a lot of people's lives in danger! I bet he's going to go back on his deal but in a way which keeps his dignity intact. Does Superman have any dignity left? Maybe it doesn't matter if after Parasite tracks down Dr. Bendy, Superman just throws him back into Belle Reve. I have a feeling Superman will just tell Amanda Waller where she can pick up her filthy pet when he's done abusing it.

Countdown to fucking!

My favorite song to fuck to is Public Enemy's "54321...Boom!" True story (implying the previous sentence was utter bullshit (and not really confirming in any meaningful way that what follows will not be bullshit)): I have both fucked and cried desperately throughout The Cure's entire album "Disintegration." Not at the same time. Probably. Although trying to sexily please your partner with the lyrics "The spiderman is having you for dinner tonight" sometimes takes an awkward turn. I wonder if anybody has yet approached The Cure to do a "Mamma Mia"-esque Broadway show to their music? Maybe call it "Let's Go To Bed" although in this current climate of fear, hate, and racism, maybe "Killing An Arab" will draw in more people? People who don't realize they're all in for a lesson to be learned, right?!

Meanwhile Angle Man and Vandal Savage speak to each other as if they're somehow equals. Just by the name "Angle Man," you can tell the guy is C-list all the way! Angle Man uses some kind of magic protractor to open up portals and to maybe even time travel. Perhaps that's how he knows Vandal Savage and why they have some kind of six hundred year old plan. I can't figure out how else they've been planning on killing Superman for six hundred years. Does this mean Clark Kent is about to travel back through time for a few years? Maybe depowered Superman will be more interesting if he's a member of the Demon Knights!

Oh! Well, that explains some of that then! I think. Sometimes I just like to scan a page and say, "Oh! I get it now!" That way people don't think I'm too stupid to understand a comic book plot.

Angle Man's real plan is to kill Vandal Savage and take over the world for himself. That's probably also Wrath and Hordr_root's plans as well! Maybe Superman can lure them all back to this secret chamber they plan their world conquering inside of and trick them into all killing each other.

Parasite leads Superman and Wonder Woman to Angle Man's underground lair. He lives in the bunker from Lost where he's keeping Firestorm imprisoned to power his Mystic Protractor. Do you think Angle Man will say something witty like how he's looked at things from every angle? Or how the square of the hypotenuse of a right triangle is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides? Did I get that right?

Christ, Angle Man! Telling them about the implants is such a C-list villain move! Why not just tell them that all of your power comes from your geometry tools!

A huge battle ensues while Angle Man watches from the safety of his monitor room saying things like "I'll 'sine' your death warrant!" and "Try to look at it from my angle, Superman!" and "Our two lives were bound to intersect at this point!" and "If two parallel lines are cut by a transversal, then alternate interior angles are congruent! Ah ha ha ha!" It's so super nerdy I almost went out and purchased a compass.

When the battle seems about won, a huge suit of power armor rises out of the pond in the middle of the room and puts itself onto Wonder Woman.

Of course Superman and Wonder Woman are going to have to fight! How else will Clark remember how much he loves and pretends to cherish Diana?!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #23 Rating: No change. I really wish superheroes would stop falling under the control of the villains. If the villain's only real tactic is taking over a superhero's mind so that the superheroes now have to battle each other then that villain isn't really worth much as an antagonist. The villain simply becomes a tool to get superheroes to battle which is apparently what either comic book fans really want or what comic book companies think comic book fans really want. I really don't know since I know I'm sort of a comic book fan and I hate when heroes fight. But I don't know if other comic book fans love when heroes fight because I don't like interacting with other comic book fans! You're all too nerdy without the proper amount of sardonic distance from the source material with which I pretend to be filled so that the normies still accept me into their arms which have had sex more than the one imaginary time at camp. You nerds get what I'm saying, right? No offense!

The Multiversity: Ultra Comics #1

Yay! I finally have a copy of a cursed comic book! Come and get me, Gentry!

This issue takes place on Earth-33 which is Earth Prime which is the fictional Earth of the DC Universe that represents the real Earth in which the DC Universe was created. I'm sure this entire plot will just be as confusing as that last sentence.

In my commentary on the first issue of The Multiversity (and a slight revisionist tweaking of them in the second issue), I pointed out that we, the readers, were going to be the heroes of this series. Because the only way the heroes could win the day and defeat The Gentry is if we continue reading the story to the ultimately heroic conclusion. That's why The Gentry want us to stop reading the comic book by writing "NOT" in big red letters on the cover of the comic book. They don't want us fucking up their plans by putting eyes to paper and setting the probable into the palpable.

I hope this is a Choose Your Own Adventure comic book! Or a Mad Lib! I want to be more than just a passive observer! I suppose I could get a pen and just draw dicks on everybody.

The issue begins with Ultra Comics telling me that he's from 38 pages and 24 hours into my future. Is that an insult? I may read slow but it doesn't take me a full day to read a forty page comic book! Asshole. He then tells me not to turn to the last page or "it's all over." Really?!

Ha ha ha! Fuck you, Ultra Comics!

Ultra also mentions that the comic book is indeed cursed. But with my help, he thinks he can stop the curse from spreading. But not the rest of you jerks! He tells the rest of you jerks not to turn the page or else your worlds will become infected too! And you don't want that because you can't handle it the way that I can. I'm a hero!

Except then some vines or centipedes or guts or something grab Ultra by the brain and he screams that the comic book is a trap called The Oblivion Machine and that I shouldn't turn the page.

I wonder if by "YOU!" he means me because I turned to the last page of the comic book when he told me not to? Maybe I'm the opposite of a hero! Whatever that is!

Ultra Comics says, "Do not turn the page for it is a trap, sir!" What do you do? If you turn the page, turn the page. If you choose not to turn the page, punch yourself in the genitals for wasting five dollars.

I choose to turn the page because I don't want to hit myself in the genitals again!

I wonder if I could have just given Grant Morrison five bucks to jerk off directly into my mouth?

Holy shit! This comic book is blowing my mind! There's a comic book character speaking directly to me! And everything he's saying is true! When I read his word balloon, it is like his voice is right in my head! And the comic book is a physical object! I've never had such a real and meaningful comic book experience in my whole entire life! Except maybe that time Groo ate some cheese dip. Ha ha! That was hilarious! Then somebody called him a mulcher and he got offended! Classic!

This guy tells me that I'm the secret identity of Ultra Comics. Me! He also says Ultra Comics has "thousands of secret identities" which kind of ruins the whole effect for me. I don't want to share this hero business with anybody with five bucks to blow on this comic book! I mean, one of those people could have been a girl! Eww!

On the next page, Ultra Comics rises out of a Four Color Printing Machine. He also has a big tube attached to his crotch because his cock must be massive! People are going to look at that and think, "Holy smokes! His secret identity must be that one guy with the massive cock!" They'll never guess it's me! I mean, they'll probably guess it's me!

Ultra Comics is all, "You can be a hero too if you just read this comic cover to cover!" But I'm all, "You just told me not to turn the page or to read the last page or to do anything, really!" And he's all, "That was probably a future version of me that doesn't know anything! Forget about him! It'll all be different somehow now!" And I'm all, "Bullshit! Comic book pages don't spontaneously change! It takes effort and a Sharpie and a lack of care for the potential future value of the comic book!"

After Ultra Comics is created, he only gets two pages to develop a history. So he saves Bruce Wayne's parents thus defeating Batman the only way he can be defeated! Then he saves Lois Lane from some Daemonites or something. Then Ultra Comics Boy Or Girl dies in a catastrophic crisis on infinite Ultra Comics unless it was just the Death in the Ultra Comics story. And then he goes all grim and modern and pulls out the intestines of some villain. He also gets an attitude with me, his secret identity! Hey buddy! I can stop reading at any time!

NO! Fuck you, Ultra Comics! FUCK. YOU. Right in the ass bone!

Ultra Comics merges with everybody reading the comic book and we all come in our pants with our various junk. He comes gushing waves of four color ink all over the floor of the lab where he was created. And suddenly he's ready to fight crime with the power of my imagination! I'm going to get him laid!

Ultra Comics heads out on his first adventure called "Out of His Box!" Since he's powered by my imagination and I want to get him laid, I Sharpie in the rest of the title: "...And Into Hers!"

The guy in the suit interrupts my comic book to tell me that Ultra Comics has been led into a trap. And then he adds that I have been led into a trap as well. Duh! I am Ultra Comics, buddy! You told me that! Why can't this guy remember what he already said?

While searching the strange, parallel world he's been sent to for his first adventure, Ultra Comics discovers he can hear his secret identities' thoughts as they read the comic book!

Oh god! I'm so embarrassed now!

Ultra Comics hasn't been led into a trap at all! He's the fucking cursed comic that's bringing the HIT (Hostile Independent Thought-form. Or a really super successful comic book) to all the other parallel worlds and/or our brains! Kill yourself, Ultra Comics! Kill yourself now!

See, it's annoying when you have somebody yelling at you to do as they say, isn't it, Ultra Comics?

I think what Ultra Comics is trying to say is that ideas are dangerous and yet we have no great security system to protect us from ideas. But he's wrong! We have the ultimate security to protect us from ideas! It's called bigotry and prejudice and close-mindedness and adamantly believing that whatever we believe is the best thing to believe!

Ultra Comics helps save a young woman from the Jussssstissssse Sssssossssssiety. That's a hissing joke because they're lizard people. I think. They might also be part spider people but I don't know what kinds of sounds spiders make because they're always drowned out by people screaming about how hideous they are.

After saving the young woman, she introduces Ultra Comics to her friends: The Neighborhood Guard! It's a bunch of kids fighting for their lives in a dystopian future where lizard people rule the wastelands! The kids have found one of Luthor's Transmatter Cube things and Ultra Comics helps deliver it to the grownups. I hope Ultra Comics doesn't wind up cursing the box and sending copies of his cursed comic books to all of the other worlds! Oh, of course that wouldn't happen. What will probably happen is Ultra Comics will talk to me some more and then blame me for cursing all of the other worlds because he's a fucking asshole that can't take responsibility for his own actions so he's going to blame the comic book readers.

The adults on this planet are all named Ultra. Even Ace Ultra from Justice League United is here! And for once somebody besides me calls him "Ace"! I really am in this comic book!

Oh, also? They're SUPER CANNIBALS!

Ultra Comics is captured so that he can be consumed by Ultraa! Ultraa was the original one and only Earth-Prime superhero who was the only survivor of a space ark that crashed into our sun. Controlled by a super computer named Maxitron, it sent Ultraa to Earth Prime to be the last survivor of his race. Eventually he was kidnapped to Earth-one by the Justice League of America because Earth-Prime just wasn't a great place for super heroes. Plus they fucked with all of our minds and erased all knowledge of him from our history! Those bastards! What gives them the right?!

Anyway, Ultraa tries to eat Ultra's brains. Instead he just eats the Crystal of Imagination! NO! That was my creativity, you...you...Oh! You you!

Ultraa prepares the Transmatter Cube and then Ultra defeats him with the power of his imagination. He's like Eddie in It with his asthma spray that becomes acid because he thinks it into being. But it's too late because one of The Gentry has started to come through the Transmatter Cube.

Well, at least it ate the dick in the suit.

Ultra battles Intellectron by trapping it inside his comic book which he claims is subject to criticism which will help defeat Intellectron. I have to say that the in-comic criticism is pretty shitty stuff. Come on, Grant Morrison! Critics aren't just mindless assholes who can only type things like, "The big bad is an egg? DER!" and "A 5-Dimensional evil egg! LOL!! DER!" and "This guy's raped my wallet way too many times! DER!" Well, that last one might be fairly accurate. Except you're being way too hard on yourself! If you meant for this to be a completely shitty comic book so that you could laugh at the people criticizing it because they helped to defeat the bad guy by criticizing it, then you fucked up because it's not that shitty! It's got Ace Ultra and Ultraa in it! That's...okay, so that's not actually great. But it is interesting? Plus super cannibals!

Wait! I shouldn't be defending this comic book because that makes me the villain! Dammit! I want to be the hero!

And then Grant Morrison calls comic books the Oblivion Machine and that they're wasting my precious life! What a jerk! How dare he...oh wait! I bet he was just talking about Scott Lobdell and Ann Nocenti comic books. Yeah, I agree! Total waste of my time. I couldn't describe their comic books better than "Oblivion Machine!" And I think, ultimately, the way to defeat The Gentry is to stop reading bullshit comic books and only pick up comic books written by Grant Morrison! And I'm now infected with a HIT so I'm off to get a shot of penicillin now.

Seriously though, does this mean that the Ultra Comics comic book is cursed because it lures The Gentry to any world where the comic is read but then the comic is actually a trap to catch The Gentry that is lured to the world? And then The Gentry become a comic book character for an Earth-Prime comic book where all of the readers are fucking asshole trolls who then punish The Gentry with their ridiculous criticism?