Justice League of America Wedding Special #1 (November 2007)

Take one look at this cover and you can instantly guess why I bought it. Yep! Dwayne McDuffie!

When I first found this issue at a garage sale a few weeks back, I first thought this was a wedding between Wonder Woman and Black Canary. Okay, maybe "thought" is the wrong word; "hoped" is more like it. But then I was wondering, "Why is Superman the only guy on the cover?" But now I've just noticed the cake and am assuming this is the Hen Do (or as my boring country call it: a bachelorette party) and Superman is the stripper. Wonder Woman's almost certainly not getting married so this must be a big Green Arrow/Black Canary affair. Or maybe Babs is marrying Dick? I have no idea who was fucking whom in the DC Universe in 2007.

This issue is also marked as "Countdown 33" along the UPC symbol so I guess it's part of the lead up to, um, something? Infinite Crisis? 52? Oh wait. Final Crisis, right? What happened in that one? Did Geoff Johns appear on panel and say, "I think we've had enough of these crises. Let's never do anything like this again." And then the final page was a close up of his face as he's winking.

The issue begins at some kind of anti-wedding where The Joker has a definite in-canon boner.

We can't see it but if a heterosexual man is staring at a large feline's tits with the possibility that it could lead to getting his throat slashed, he's got a boner.

Sometimes I make sweeping generalizations about men because I assume we all think alike. I probably shouldn't do that because it makes me sound like a fucking Men's Right Activist who thinks just because he has the most horrible misogynistic thoughts that every male has them. Although I think I'll stand by the assumption I made in that caption. No way does it just describe me and my boners!

I wonder which Joker this is? It's important to my concept of the stupid fucking idea that there have always been three Jokers and the small things that differentiate them. Which one uses the term "funbags" when referring to women?

Yes, I understand that when this was written, only one Joker existed. But if DC wants me to be a huge continuity nerd, they need to allow me to retcon all of their retcons into every single thing I read by them. Also, I don't know about all of their retcons so is there only one Joker now? Maybe six Jokers? I don't know! I'm working with limited knowledge here, funbags!

Dwayne McDuffie may be dead but he still has the power to get me slapped when I go out into the world tomorrow and start liberally calling women "funbags". Does The Joker consider women "funbags" because they're just flesh bags of blood and guts waiting for him to slice up? Or is it because they're "fun" in sleeping "bags"? Oh no! I just realized he meant Cheetah's tits!

Lex, The Joker, and Cheetah are discussing members for a new Injustice League. Lex suggests Dr. Light and Cheetah responds with "He's a rapist and a murderer." Also a pedophile, no? But Lex has a rejoinder to that:

This is why he's the smartest man on Earth.

Cheetah is so won over by Lex's argument that she excitedly adds Dr. Light's photo to the recruitment folder.

I know I just scanned in a pic but she looks so adorable when she's excited about letting a child murdering rapist on the team!

I just noticed something else so forgive another scan so soon. Or does this many scans with far less of my rambling bullshit make for a better review? No, no! Don't tell me!

Lex has an Infinity Gauntlet?

Well now that I've scanned nearly every bit of art from the first three pages, I should turn the page and maybe scan all the other pages in? Would you want that? Just have me shut up and just pirate the entire comic? Hmm. I bet you would.

Cheetah adds Dr. Light's picture to a pile of villains that I'm assuming they're going to try to recruit: Prankster, Eclipso, Atrocitus or the Anti-Monitor or, um, fuck if I know. Some guy with a big red angry face.

Fuck it. Fine! Here's page four as well without any lewd commentary from me since Dwayne and Mike have done all the lewd commentary themselves by making the strippers Marvel characters.

Who's the broke-ass guy unable to pay the strippers? Blue Beetle?

The guy who thought Ollie would love a bunch of Marvel strippers only to learn at the last second that Ollie is super gay is Hal Jordan. The other guy helping to prepare the party is Speedy so you know it's going to get fucking wild. Or is everybody fucked up on heroin in a hotel room the opposite of wild? Everyone just sort of passes out blissfully and then can't shit for eight days, right?

Roy points out that the hotel is surrounded by paparazzi who have been tipped off about Oliver Queen's bachelor party. Probably by Lex Luthor. Nobody can attend without risking their secret identities being exposed so they move the party to the Hall of Justice where Batman and John Stewart are already preparing the spiked punch and sex-toy-filled piñata. Because Batman already knew this was going to happen. Hal's annoyed that Batman's so smart and he's so stupid but then again Hal's always fucking annoyed with something. That's probably why Parallax was able to make a nice cushy home in his head for so long.

Later at the party, Ollie's a dick and John's stupid.

John's stupid because even though he did do the decorations, Ollie's compliment has to be sarcastic being that the only fucking decoration is a banner that reads, "Congratulations Ollie You Gay Bro Where Are The Strippers?"

Sorry, I take back everything I said. There seem to be a smattering of green and white balloons. About seven in total across the entire fucking Hall of Justice. Maybe Ollie really loves a minimalist look. He does shoot arrows, after all. How much more minimalist can a hero get?

As the party really gets rocking with exciting stuff like Red Tornado listening to Guy Gardner brag about who the fuck knows what and Oberon trying to avoid Plastic Man, Oliver Queen gets called gay by somebody other than me.

Try to ignore that the letterer fucked up and made Ollie say Roy's dialogue. Just pay attention to 2007's Connor Hawke's '80s insult using a scale from the '40s.

Pretty sure if McDuffie had wanted to write Connor's dialogue more realistically and less hilariously and academically and intelligently, he should have had him just say, "You gay, bro." Like on the banner!

For some reason there's a "meanwhile" that doesn't concern Black Canary or Green Arrow's party. Instead it's about Firestorm walking into a trap set by Killer Frost.

Killer Frost is all, "Fuck the funbags window. I'm going for an outer thigh window! And maybe a large hunk of my ass to boot!"

This comic came out in 2007. At that time, it's been four years since I'd read a DC comic book. So I have no idea why Jason Rusch is Firestorm with a woman named Gehenna in his head. Lex Luthor, The Joker, and Cheetah interrupt Firestorm and Killer Frost's fight. They do this by killing Firestorm. I'll assume he's actually dead because I don't have any comics after this to prove me wrong even though he's got Gehenna in his head and she's probably alive and she can probably still use Jason's powers when he's dead. The Injustice League recruit Killer Frost and head back to their Darth Vader head in the swamp where their other recent recruits await.

They've been busy!

How good can this Legion of Doom be without Lobo? I'm not even interested in them anymore.

And then the comic book finally moves on to the reason I bought it: Dinah Lance's hen do! Oh! Maybe that's where Lobo is! Can you think of a better stripper?

I'm going to assume that's Lobo on the dance floor dancing with Vixen.

One of the strippers informs Wonder Woman that his sister's a nurse and just let him know that Firestorm showed up in the ER and is about to die. Wonder Woman ignores him and paws at his loin cloth and saying, "Show me your mortal organ, Dance Boy!" No, wait. Wonder Woman is more responsible than that. As a reviewer, I should learn to concentrate on what's in the story and stop wishing for what I want it to be. Instead, Wonder Woman alerts Batman and hopes he doesn't show up to the ER covered in glitter and lubricant from the genitals of a sexy woman smeared all over his cowl.

Batman takes Speedy with him to investigate the scene of the crime. But this was all in Lex's plan! They know Batman will go investigate. They know Wonder Woman will go to the hospital to check on Firestorm. So they send attack squads to both places to ambush the heroes. The Joker and Fatality arrive to defeat Batman and Speedy (also Geoforce who, I guess, got there before Batman somehow. Maybe in a different comic?). Cheetah, Killer Frost, and Doctor Light arrive at the hospital to defeat Wonder Woman and Hawkwoman. But they let Hawkwoman get away to go lure the rest of the League in to battle. Hawkwoman crashes Ollie's bachelor party and says, "Lex and Cheetah and The Joker and Killer Frost and Doctor Light are all working together. And where are the strippers? You gay, bro?"

Justice League of America Wedding Special #1 Rating: A. This was a lot of fun with a lot of heroes and villains (my weakness!). Is this how much fun DC Comics were as a whole in the Two Thousand Oughts? I missed out on the best stuff DC was doing in the last forty years, didn't I? Should I go back and buy all of the comics that I missed?! Who wants to loan my a few million dollars?

The Flash #50

Come on, DC. The Flash should at least make the cover of his own comic book.

The Review
The Flash is still considered a bad guy because The Riddler is apparently such a genius that he manipulated all of the time travel events in such a way that it turned everybody against The Flash. Or maybe he's just decided to take advantage of the fact that Captain Frye is a huge idiot and doesn't know the difference between criminals and heroes. I realize that line is super fuzzy in the DC You (and possibly other comic book universes but these commentaries don't focus on those universes). This comic book is still bad and relies on tired plot points and stupid readers. I may be stupid in a lot of ways but I'm not a Stupid Comic Book Reader at all! I'm a Grand Master Comic Book Reader and I declare this is a terrible comic book.

The Commentary
I have a feeling I'm going to be buying a lot more comic books than usual in May thanks to some of these titles being so far behind. Issue #50 on April 28th?! Looking up the release dates of the last two issues of PreRebirth Flash comic books, I see another one is due next week and Issue #52 is due the day Rebirth begins. I suppose that'll be the same for all of the other books that are way behind, like Justice League and Batgirl and Black Canary and Cyborg. Although maybe Black Canary and Cyborg have caught up by now. And also, they don't have the same amount of pressure on them as the comics that need to get their 52nd issue published, so maybe they'll just wrap up whenever. Not that it matters to me since Cyborg really could have wrapped up before it even started. Such a boring comic book!

When we last left The Flash, Central City's Police Department was acting like it was Backwards Law Day. They decided The Flash needed to be arrested while they began paying known criminals to help catch The Flash. I get that superhero comic books have been published for so long that there just aren't many new stories to tell, especially if the writer isn't very imaginative, but can we stop writing this story about how the law turns against the good guys so desperately that they ignore all the wrongdoing super villains have done? From now on, when a writer walks into a pitch meeting and says one of the following, I would like the editors to just shoot them in the head:

"Get this...the superhero loses all of her powers!"
"Imagine, if you can, the superhero...is framed by the bad guy and everybody loses trust in him!"
"You're going to call me crazy, but how about this for the next Superman story: he faces an alien that is more powerful than he is!"
"The theme of our Wonder Woman run will be how Wonder Woman has time for both a social life and a working life! Plus she should be seen in the shower a lot!"
"The hero falters but the people rise up to do the heroes job and the hero acknowledges that we are all the hero!"
"I don't know if this has ever been done but how about a Justice League story where they're beaten down for four issues and then, in the fifth issue, they rise up and win the day through sheer force of forcefulness!"
"What if we have some thing...I don't know what to call it...maybe a crisis? And it will involve all of the heroes and change continuity in critical ways and maybe renumber the comic books too!"
"Have we ever considered lobbying congress to demand a law be passed that forces people to buy our products the way that Obamacare forces people to buy corporate insurance or face severe tax penalties? Fucking geniuses, those guys!"

There are hundreds more like the story where a bad guy kills a female second cousin of the protagonist and the protagonist has grief. Or the one where the female hero is raped by the bad guy and experiences grief. Or the one where the male protagonist's mother is raped and killed so that the male protagonist grieves. Or the one where the sidekick is killed so that Batman gets a chance to grieve.

How about telling your aunt to stop publishing untrue articles about how dangerous The Flash is when all of the death and destruction was caused by other people. She's a lousy fucking reporter.

Iris is on scene as The Flash is arrested to ask Captain Frye one question: "What the hell are you doing?" Am I wrong? Did I remember things incorrectly? Didn't Iris write an article with a headline that was like and probably not exactly "FLASH: MENACE OR BIGGER MENACE?!" which questioned the safety of The Flash operating in Central City after the police headquarters were destroyed? I suppose if she did, it was enough issues in the past that nobody is going to read this bit about Iris and think, "What a fucking hypocrite she is!"

Meanwhile, The Trickster reports back to his new boss who I guessed was Ron Howard with Heat Wave in a fish tank. But judging by his green suit and gloves, it's obviously The Riddler with Heat Wave in a fish tank. He has plans to take over Central City in the same way that he could never take over Gotham. But first he had to get the law to turn against The Flash which was totally easy because he lives in the DC Universe where everybody simultaneously hates and loves superheroes, depending on which way the plot needs them to feel.

Flash's dad calls in a favor to help his son break out of prison before he gets unmasked. That means Girder and Overload take a hit on their sentences simply to help out. Maybe they're good guys too and I didn't realize it because of Central City's Backwards Law Day.

This is another horrible comic book trope. If there's a power outage, all of the prisoners go free because DC Prisons can't afford manual locks or electronically controlled locks that simply remain locked if the power goes out.

The Flash saves all of the cops and prison guards before Overload causes a massive explosion. This brings us to the next example in what seems to be a comic book meant to showcase lazy plotting: Captain Frye once again trusts The Flash because The Flash saved his life. I mean, The Flash saved his life when the Police Department exploded as well but I guess that was just normal Flash saving lives life saving. This was extenuating circumstances Flash saving lives where he saves the lives of people actively incarcerating him for no fucking good reason at all.

Flash now has to stop a massive prison break and riot at Iron Heights because that's just a thing that heroes have to deal with now that cell doors can't seem to stay locked. But at least maybe Iris will write an article with a new headline: FLASH CAUSES PRISON RIOT WHILE ESCAPING CUSTODY! Hmm, maybe that isn't the direction she should go with this story.

Flash saves all of the guards but doesn't attempt to stop the inmates himself since they're stuck on an island for a bit. I mean, the ones who can't fly are. Unless they pay the ones who can fly to fly them off. Anyway, forget about the prison! It doesn't matter anymore. It's time for The Flash to battle the Rogues again because Captain Frye hasn't had the chance to tell them they've been fired. Although if they can save his life, maybe he'll rehire them and begin mistrusting The Flash once more.

It's during the battle that The Riddler makes his big reveal and explains his motivations. You see, he noticed The Flash has never been beaten and he wanted to take a crack at beating him. Christ, Enigma. You're supposedly super smart but you can't figure out that there are cities in the world that don't have resident superheroes? You couldn't beat Batman who has no superpowers so you decide to go against the one that has arguably the greatest super power of all? You really are a delusional megalomaniac!

The backup story is about Wally West playing dodge ball but I stopped reading it when it was revealed the fat kid's nickname was Chunk. Go fuck yourself, Van Jensen.

I lied! I kept reading it! But then I stopped when it was revealed the red headed kid is a mean bully. Go fuck yourself, Van Jensen!

Okay, I lied again! The story is about Wally West meeting a future dead version of himself who time traveled to explain the changes Wally's body has been going through. Do I even need to say it a third time? Yes, yes I do! Simply because it feels good! Go fuck yourself, Van Jensen!

I probably shouldn't be writing such mean things to my theoretical best friend Van Jensen (according to Facebook in which we share one friend in common!) but The Flash really has been terrible with all of this time travel stuff. Van Jensen is at least acknowledging that it's a bunch of bullshit when he has time traveling Wally West say, "Time travel, dude. Don't even get me started." It's possible all of this time travel crap was editorially mandated because Brian Cunningham has a sexual fetish for horribly contrived time travel stories. Also he might just find the time travel stuff the most fascinating thing about The Flash. It's actually the worst thing. Even DC themselves tried to stop all of that bullshit with Flashpoint and The New 52 and putting a moratorium on time travel. But that didn't last because horrible writers decided it was still okay to have people time travel from different non-Flashpoint timelines into the Flashpoint timeline. Those horrible writers were Fabian Nicieza, Scott Lobdell, and Tom DeFalco. Also possibly others.

Action Comics #47

Obviously Wrath should be called "Fivefingers" or "One-Face."

Last issue, Wrath tried to convince Superman that her plan to infect everybody with Black Angry Heroin was benevolent. I'm assuming that this issue, Superman gets out a dictionary and reads the definition of "wrath" to Wrath and then suggesting some names she could have considered that would have made her more trustworthy. I don't know what those words would be because it was really the way she secretly went about her plan that mostly proves she's a lying butthole. Especially the part where all the Black Angry Heroin Shadow Warriors were trying to destroy Superman rather than trying to feed the hungry or hand out blankets and free feminine hygiene products to the homeless. But I get it. Sometimes the most productive thing you can do is burn shit the fuck down without worrying what anybody else thinks or what's going to replace the now burnt down shit. I mean, it's not really productive and it's actually more like a tantrum but you have to admit that sometimes tantrums work!

I also forgot that last issue ended with Superman about to battle Frankenstein! That's like the battle everybody has been waiting for!

Swing your sword and not your fist, dum-dum!

Oh! That's why Superman is suddenly battling Frankenstein. For the "monster" metaphor! See how it works? Superman looks human so everybody thinks, "Oh! He's a good guy! He's white and male and he protects us because we can't protect ourselves! Go Superman!" I mean, not currently. Currently everybody thinks Superman is a monster. But let's pretend Wrath is still trying to convince the world that Superman is a monster and that her job wasn't already done for her by Lois Lane (or, more probably, some kind of mass mind control). Frankenstein looks like a decaying corpse stitched together by a madman which is pretty much the definition of monster especially when you take into account all of the assholes screaming at me right now that it's not "Frankenstein" but "Frankenstein's Monster" which--as you can see!--has "monster" right in the name! But here's the even deeper twist that you probably didn't have time to think about because you tore straight into the comic book to see who wins the battle. Wrath's point is that Frankenstein looks like the real monster here but guess what?! He's actually a sensitive poet! Can you believe that?! Something so hideous can actually be super emotional and into writing poetry?! If that's the case (and it totally is because remember junior high, you poetry writing monster?) then that means Superman could actually be a sociopath (and it totally probably is because he's a white man in a position of power!)!

If you say something enough times, it becomes proof of itself! I totally believe Superman is a monster now!

Because Superman hasn't heard he's a monster enough times to believe it yet, Wrath decides it's time to tell Superman her secret origin. Then maybe he'll believe all of the stupid bullshit she's been spouting!

Wrath's story is how she grew up in poverty which drove her to become a lawyer so she could help people. But then Brainiac took part of Metropolis and put it in a bottle and she couldn't do anything about that. Only Superman could and yet he didn't (For dramatic purposes, we'll forget that he recovered the city later) which totally means he's a bad person because her mother was killed in the incident. To be fair, Wrath doesn't become a super villain at that moment because she still wants to work with Superman when she becomes mayor. But that's when Superman contracted the Doomsday Virus and, once again, defeated Brainiac. But he was much scarier this time because he physically looked like a monster which is probably when Wrath's brain said, "Hey! Look at that! He's a monster!"

To be fair to Wrath, I've been screaming about this for a long time now. When writers can't figure out a way to challenge Superman, they turn Superman against himself via mind control or magic or Apokolyptian energy or an alien virus or a Joker toxin. Writers might think they're just providing an exciting story for a few issues but they're really damaging the character. Because now stupid fucking story arcs like this one can come along where idiots who think Superman is an actual monster and not a hero have proof that Superman is dangerous. Superman should be a beacon of hope and trust. Stop fucking turning him into the bogeyman because now I have to read stories where bad writers continue your fucking thought for you. And the people now afraid of Superman aren't wrong to be afraid of him because he's always out of control! I hate that Batman's idea of Superman is constantly proven correct! Knock it the fuck off. Who do we have to blame for this? Is it Miller's Dark Knight Returns? Whatever the case, I'm sick of it.

I bet I'll be bored with Superman in just a few months if he's written as a beacon of hope though!

Supergirl did have a penchant for punching people in the face. And Superboy was created by NOWHERE to be a living weapon. And the other guy is...Zod, I guess? He was a threat in Superman Loves Wonder Woman for a bit!

See? Kryptonians are jerks who need to be stopped by any means necessary! I'm totally on Wrath's side now! Thanks a lot, past writers of The New 52 for making her horrible argument make sense!

Wrath finishes her argument by explaining how she got her power from Vandal Savage which completely ruins everything she said previously! If Vandal Savage is your Yoda, you're the bad guy!

Superman continues to fight against Wrath and her plan to turn everybody into raging Black Angry Heroin Shadow Warriors. So Wrath's next move is to prove to him that he's a monster by showing how his friends react to him!

Oh yeah! Look at that! Superman surprises the shit out of Jimmy by suddenly materializing in his apartment and Jimmy is shocked! Superman is scary! Point to Wrath!

Superman's plan to beat Wrath is to stop trying to fight Wrath and just accept his rage or something. I don't know. It's the same plan he's been using in every fucking story Greg Pak has written. Embrace his fear. Embrace his anger. Embrace his sadness. Hey Greg? Next time, can you at least jerk me off with a different hand?

Superman absorbs all of the shadow power everywhere and saves the day angrily! Vandal Savage happens upon the scene and doesn't like that his Angry Black Semen is being used for good so he takes it all back and puts it into his little box. He shoves Wrath in their for good measure because she failed him. And Superman is back to normal! I mean, normal in that he still has no powers and no spit curl and no cape and no character and no likeability factor and no reason for existing.

Action Comics #47 Rating: No change. The art was horrible. It was the worst part of this comic book! Oh, it was definitely a photo finish between the writing and the art but I'd have to give with win to the art. And by win I actually mean loss. Although the real loser is me because I paid $3.99 for this shit. I hate myself.

Bizarro #6

This is how Americans think of Canada.

I'd say that this cover was insulting to Canadians but if I were a Canadian, I'd probably just say, "Yoo left oot the beer, eh?" It must be nice living in a country where the only thing people picture when they hear your country's name is snow, hockey, moose, beer, and cops who ride horses. Much better than picturing corpses riddled with bullets, bankers doing coke off the detached bathroom mirror of a house they just repossessed, and a populace too stupid to believe in science because Jesus is their best friend. I wish somebody could make a cute depiction of a typically American scene! I wonder what kinds of images Norman Rockwell would paint for magazine covers today? Phelpsian assholes picketing children's funerals? Bitter, angry pricks hassling women as they enter Planned Parenthood? Motherfucking gun enthusiast horse rapists who think they're bad-ass heroes terrorizing people in the street while calling it an open carry protest? Police ramming a broom up the backside of an African American in their custody? There's just so many images to choose from that simply scream "AMERICA!"

Fun Tess Memory Fact! Remember how I'm constantly pointing out that my brain has a problem with labeling things which means that I almost certainly cannot remember any names at the exact moment I need them? It's the kind of thing that would make me the worst Jeopardy player in the world (although occasionally my brain works fine and I'm amazed that it can remember any name at all). It's one of the reasons I'm constantly making up nicknames for comic book characters because I can't remember a character but don't want to ruin the flow of my thought so I just stick in a descriptive title. Then when I reread my commentary from the previous month just before reading the new month's book, I am reminded of the nickname but not the real name and so the nickname sticks! Anyway, I couldn't quite pull out "Norman Rockwell" from the vault so I had to ask Lord Google about "guy who painted covers for Life". I realize he wasn't most famous for Life covers but Lord Google knew what I was getting at. If I couldn't remember Norman Rockwell, there wasn't any way I was going to then come up with "Saturday Evening Post." No wait. That's not true. Often I come up with people's names exactly by working through the names of other things and approaching the name I want from behind via a twisty and circuitous route.

Bizarro has left Jimmy Olsen to die in the desert because Jimmy hurt his feelings. Judging by the attitudes of most people in America today, I guess that's equitable? Somebody hurts your feelings; you destroy their life completely. But Jimmy is rescued by the bad guy that I had forgotten all about: King Tut's Daughter, Queen Tut! Wait. That can't be right.

I would have been okay with Jimmy dying.

Bizarro has headed back to Metropolis where he finally gets to meet Superman. Maybe Superman will tell Bizarro how he judged him from afar and asked his pal Jimmy Olsen to secretly kill Bizarro and dump him in a Canadian ice pond. You would expect Superman to have begun the story having a heartfelt chat with Bizarro rather than pissing all over him behind his back. But then, this is a Bizarro comic book and this is Part One of the story, so maybe Superman is having the talk with Bizarro at exactly the right point in Bizarro's fucked up and confusing way of viewing life.

"That's a great question" is not an answer. When somebody says "That's a great question," what they really mean is "Motherfucker! I'm not prepared to answer that question and now you expect me to think something up on the spot?!"

Answering "That's a great question" to any question can actually mean a lot of things. I simply know I hate when people fucking say it. When somebody responds that way, I immediately believe they are an asshole and a moron, even if I really like them for whatever the reason they're being interviewed for! Another phrase I wish people would stop using because it makes them sound like pricks is "To be honest." Well, yes, that was my presupposition going into the conversation. That we were going to be fucking honest with each other. Otherwise I would stop talking to you. Here's one way to get me to end a conversation immediately as if we were on the phone and I just hung up but awkwardly because I'm standing right in front of you and now have gone completely silent and have begun pretending you don't exist: accuse me of lying about anything I've just said. Okay, if we're joking around about shit, I won't mind you calling me an arsed-faced liar. But if we're having a discussion which maybe is getting not quite heated but maybe a little cozy and you flat out accuse me of lying to your face, I'll end the conversation. Because obviously you've stopped giving a shit about anything that might destroy the illusion of a world where you know everything. And why is it my job to convince you--somehow!--that I'm not lying? At that point, you can just go fuck yourself.

Superman teaches Bizarro the meaning of friendship so Bizarro decides to go find Jimmy. But he has no idea where he might be?! Hopefully there's an improbably television set playing nearby, preferably a gigantic screen hanging off of a building blaring the fucking volume for some stupid reason.

Whew! Bizarro is lucky comic book writers believe that huge televisions blare the volume out into the city disrupting everybody's life in the apartments nearby.

I've never actually been to New York so if the big screens in Times Square actually do have volume, I apologize to writers, artists, and letterers of comic books everywhere. I also apologize to everybody renting anywhere near those things because that would be a fucking nightmare. The light is bad enough but the noise pollution would drive me crazy. I can't even stand my neighbor's wind chimes! Which I don't have to stand anymore because I took care of them. Shh, wind chimes. Shh. Just let go. It'll all be over soon.

Luckily for fans of Bizarro's penis, Queen Tut's broadcast instantly reaches Bizarro's penis's space ship half a light year away. He forces the grays piloting the ship to turn back to Earth and that's when it is revealed that Bizarro's Penis was once a Green Lantern. Why isn't that a comic book? "Me am wearing green cock ring! Me penis am not Green Lantern of Sector 9600!"

Queen Tut tries to stop Bizarro by freezing his crotch. Little does she know, his penis is half a light year away.

Not only Colin heard Queen Tut's totally scientifically accurate broadcast. All of the other friends Bizarro made along his journey have heard too! And they've come to help save Jimmy Olsen! Or they just wanted some on-panel time since Zatanna and Deadman currently aren't appearing anywhere. Big Munk the H'lvenite appear along with Spooky Mulder, I-Can't--No!--I-Won't-Believe-It's-Alien-Butter Scully, Kilowog's cousin, and Chastity Hex.

Jimmy is a boring twat. Or has he been hanging around Bizarro too much and he's actually agreeing to using name?

And apparently the bad guys immediately give up or something because Bizarro's penis is way too powerful. Jimmy and Bizarro hug and make up because that's the way a story like this is supposed to end. Nobody wants realism in a story about best friends because it always ends with them drifting apart and barely staying in touch over social media until they really only see each other for one weekend every five years or so...if that! That's a boring story and dumb ending. It's better if stories pretend that best friends stay together forever!

Bizarro #6 Rating: No change. The story ends with Bizarro and Jimmy being refused entrance to Canada so that they have to head back home to Metropolis. That was probably a spoiler. But I think spoilers are good things if you're a Bizarro! Then the narrator threatens us with another mini-series basically telling the same road trip story but in reverse. That story, of course, depends on how well the trade sells. My advice? Nobody buy the trade! This wasn't an interesting enough story for a sequel! It was also really hard to believe because superheroes love to fight each other and mistrust each other and hold grudges against each other but all the heroes in this book love Bizarro! Oh! I get it! It's Bizarro Superhero Friendship! I love Bizarro but I'm still glad this mini-series is over. It went about five issues too long.

Action Comics #46

Ain't these two just a couple of stinkers?

So there was a panel in the last issue of Action Comics that somehow slipped past me the first time I read it without a huge digression. My digression might not be as huge now but I'm going to pull it out anyway. That sentence was typed with a straight face.

What the fuck, Clark? What in the fucking fuck?!

So Clark Kent knows that Hiro is one of the worst kinds of criminal imaginable in a capitalist society and he's doing nothing about it? How many entrepreneurs and eager young inventors has Hiro ripped off and Clark thinks it's okay to give him a pass? Forget that Clark Kent is Superman. Clark Kent is a journalist! Well, he was. This alone proves that he's the shittiest journalist ever who doesn't give a shit about people in the way that Clark Kent and Superman used to give a shit about people. I guess it's okay to avert your eyes to Hiro's crimes because Hiro has helped Superman defeat bad guys who actually punch things. Those are, apparently, the worst kinds of bad guys ever! White collar bad guys like Hiro though? Totally cool. No big deal. Steal people's ideas and make millions of dollars off of them. Where's the harm, right Clark?

Fuck you, Clark Kent! And by "Fuck you, Clark Kent", I actually mean "Fuck you, Greg Pak." But I didn't want this to devolve into personal attacks!

Last issue, Superman tracked some Supremacist bad guys (unlikeable bad guys who need to be stopped unlike helpful, likeable bad guys who make millions off of their toys) to their wrath factory. In doing so, he's been infected with the angry black tar.

Oh boy. More angry Superman.

I suppose Superman was called a Boy Scout for too long and it rubbed people at DC the wrong way because they decided "Boy Scout" was being used in a derogatory manner (which--come on!--it totally was). Most thinking people proud of the character they were presenting to the world would have shrugged their shoulders and thought, "Fine. Superman isn't for you. But some people love Boy Scouts! Really, really, really love Boy Scouts! You know the people I'm talking about." But instead, the DC Powers That Be would rather be thought of as cool and hip. So their reaction was more like, "Oh? Oh? You don't like Superman like this? He's too gay, right? So gay! And by 'gay' we totally mean 'lame' even thought we're not supposed to use it that way anymore but it's still kind of cool and rebellious to use it that way and the type of people who hate Boy Scout Superman are the type of people we want to like Superman and they're the type to still call lame stuff gay! So, um, how about angry Superman who is angry and beats people up even when there's no need to beat them up? People seem to like Batman and Batman does that a lot! So maybe if we just wrote Batman but put an 'S' on his chest and called him Superman, would that make the jerks we want to please happy?! Let's try it! And while we're at it, can we institute a policy that all women at future office parties have to wear short skirts and no underwear?!"

I just realized at the end of that DC Powers That Be quote that I was really just writing my version of Eddie Berganza (which is probably a spot on impression of the real one!).

So some security robots show up to murder Superman and all of the test subjects including Lee Lemaris. Was that her name? Was she a mermaid?

I guess the angry black tar has made him more powerful? Or is this just his regular old non-powered power levels? I'm so confused by his abilities right now!

Superman defeats this batch of Supremacists and the police vocalize their appreciation of Superman doing their job for them. They would have to be idiotic jerks not to appreciate it! They're still getting paid and they didn't have to risk their lives? Superman is a cop's best friend! Although they might look bad because a vigilante did their job for them. But they'll be okay. Gotham cops suffer through that indignity on a daily basis.

Superman leaves the people he freed to be picked up and experimented on by John Henry. But it's okay that they'll be test subjects this time because they're not free to live their own lives at the behest of good people! It's totally different! Superman heads out to find Wrath so he can destroy this story arc and get his powers back! And hopefully let his hair grow out a bit because that buzz cut is not working for him.

Superman can now phase through shadows. Maybe he'll get to keep this power for awhile because remember how popular Superman was when he was made out of electricity?! People still clamor for those days! In ten years when Superman is an overpowered Boy Scout again, people will sit on their porches drinking Mint Juleps while daintily dabbing watermelon juice from their chin and sigh, "Remember tha days when Supahman was angry and could walk through shadows?" Then they'll sigh and go back to reading the new Batman by Scott Lobdell.

While in the shadows, Clark and Wrath are able to talk with each other. Wrath explains to Clark that the plan is to infect everybody with the angry black tar makes them feel more alive and can be used for good! Clark points out that maybe she should have called herself something other than "Wrath" if she wanted him to believe her plan was benevolent.

Lee follows Superman because Greg Pak seems to think Superman needs a powerful female and/or a thieving Asian sidekick on every adventure. That's fine. I just wish he didn't think Superman needed to have no powers, a haircut, and an angry attitude.

Superman is an undeadaphobe.

That's a pretty strange conclusion to jump to, Superman. Undead are easy vessels for Wrath to fill? Why would you think that? Frankenstein is a fully fleshed out personality just like every other unundead person you've ever met. Why should Frankenstein be easy to fill simply because he's an animated corpse? Seems like a prejudiced response to me!

Wrath appears to Lee to comment on the battle between Superman and Frankenstein. She points out that Superman isn't angry and brutal because of the angry black tar. The angry black tar just reveals the anger and brutality that was already within him. Normally, I'd argue that Wrath was a huge liar and that her underpants were on fire and that I couldn't wait until they burned away so I could get a glimpse of her secret bits. But Superman has been acting like a completely psychotically violent nutjob practically since The New 52 began. This angry punching persona is his natural state! And, judging by Dark Superman in Justice League, it's what everybody wants. I wish I were infected with angry black tar so that I could just give in and accept newfangled jerko Superman just like everybody else! I wonder if black tar heroin is the same as angry black tar? Even if it's not, it will probably stop me from caring about DC ruining Superman.

You can tell this is the angry bad Superman because of the tar goatee.

Action Comics #46 Rating: No change. Greg Pak continues to display his ignorance of Superman as a character. I suppose it's not his fault. He's writing the Superman the idiotic masses seem to want. He's less powerful so nobody has to worry about Marvel Fans pointing out how ridiculous his power levels are. He's angry so nobody will ever call him a Boy Scout again. He got a hair cut just in case people were making fun of his infantile spit curl. He's constantly battling by the side of a minority just in case people try to point out how overly white and male his adventures are. He's wearing a shirt and jeans so nobody is debating whether underwear should be worn on the outside or the inside. I guess those are the fixes Superman needed? And so what if he's not heroic anymore? Who cares if he's constantly battling personal problems and doesn't have time for anybody else? Who cares if he's not an inspiration to people to better themselves and fight for truth and justice and...well, maybe not exactly the American way since that way is violent and imperialistic. Who the fuck cares, right? I mean besides me.

Cyborg #4

I'd rather read about this version of Cyborg.

I realize that most people have trouble with reading comprehension so from now on I will write only in straightforward simple sentences. I will eschew ambiguity. I shall renounce subtlety! I will say only what I mean and mean only what I say! Although at that point, everything I write will be boring, unfunny, and most likely not worth anybody's time. Kind of like this comic book!

No wait! I didn't mean that! I'm reasonably sure that some comic book fans out there really enjoy this comic book so I shouldn't say it's not worth "anybody's" time! That's the kind of sweeping generalization that might upset the semi-literate masses (meaning the kind of people who probably enjoy this comic book).

Dammit! What I'm trying to say is that I have read three issues of Cyborg and I'm certain that it's a fine publication for the kind of people who enjoy taking sudden and spontaneous naps.

Maybe I should begin again?

Cyborg is a competently written comic book with many qualities. It stars Cyborg who is a cyborg. That lack of imagination might be why I find Cyborg so boring! Although I'm sure he has many fans who are less easily bored than I am! They probably loved it every time Cyborg called Changeling "Salad Head" back in Wolfman's Teen Titans. Sometimes he did it two or three times in one comic book!

You know what? This isn't about the comic book. This is about me. I simply find Cyborg to be a boring character. It's going to be an uphill battle to get me to enjoy this comic book. Why do people fight uphill battles? Why don't they just look at the hill, look at the people at the top of the hill who will be fighting a downhill battle, and then just leave the hill alone? Or maybe just set a fire around the base of the hill! Also I'm lazy so I can't see the point in marching up a hill just to exert yourself in a battle. I'm too lazy to even begin reading this comic book because I compared it to an uphill battle which sounds exhausting!

It's a good thing only geniuses ever get super powers.

Sarah Charles from the Alternate Universe where Silas Stone has chosen to really be himself explains the premise of this first story arc. So if you've been on the fence about purchasing this series, you should skip reading the first three issues. If you're really being frugal, my guess is you should wait until I read Issue #5 because that one might have the same recap but include Issue #4 as well! The gist of the matter (whoever decided to spell "gist" with a "g" was a genius because if it were "jist" I would be picturing a misty spray of jism) is that some creatures called the Technosapiens are going around the Multiverse Borging up whatever life they can find. Alternate Universe Sarah Charles is pissed off at Silas Stone because his Alternate Universe Counterpart accidentally attracted the attention of the Technosapiens by doing experiments that she thought he should have known would attract unwanted attention. Well isn't she just a Monday Morning Scientist! "I told you you shouldn't have played God! I told you the government would turn your work into a weapon. I told you that Supercollider would eventually create a black hole that would destroy the universe."

Now the Technosapiens are on Earth and it's probably up to Cyborg to stop them. I think the Justice League can't help because all of the phones are down.

I suppose it was like parts of the nineties. I guess she couldn't have said eighties--which would have been more accurate--because she's too young to have any personal experience with that time.

At one point during the emotional part of the plot where relationships are being forged, Sarah Charles slaps Alternate Universe Sarah Charles and the multiverse doesn't unravel. So unrealistic.

The Metal Men are also starring in this comic book even though Superman's penis is not part of the cast. That's a reference to how they all want to fuck Superman. At least Platinum does but I think the others do as well. I wonder if Doc Magnus ever thought about making a Kryptonite Metal Man? It looks like that story may have happened in Action Comics #599. Of course it wasn't Magnus who built the Kryptonite Metal Man. It was some other guy whose name I can't remember offhand.

After spending more than half of the comic book explaining and reexplaining what the fuck was going on, the Technosapiens attack!

Tin must be coated in Mercury here.

The battle seems to be going...well, I don't know. I guess it's a stalemate because the final page is of a huge Technobeast crashing up through the ground and knocking Cyborg on his White Noise Cannon. What do you call a cliffhanger whose outcome you don't really care about? Because this is that.

Cyborg #4 Rating: -2 Ranking. Cyborg. I don't know what to tell you, buddy. You really need to step up your game if you're going to be the lead in a comic book. I suppose you can ask Harley Quinn or Batman to guest star for a few issues to drive your numbers up but that's just a short term fix. I have a feeling the love story between you and Sarah is supposed to be the driving story in this comic but it isn't getting much on-panel time. You already had your penis fixed in the Convergence Sneak Peek, so I would have kept the alien invasion slowly brewing and had the Sarah Charles stuff front and center. The last page of Issue #1 should have been this cliffhanger: Sarah and Victor kissing with Cyborg's White Noise Cannon--set on low!--between Sarah's knees. Sarah moaning, "Oh Vic!" Then she reaches down between Vic's legs and her eyes grow huge and teary as she says, "Oh. Vic!" Then everybody would be wondering what she saw! What's happened to Victor's penis?! Then Issue #2, we'd find out that she was just impressed and scared by the size of his cock because it's been enhanced by Apokoliptian Nanobots.

Bizarro #5

I hope this issue breaks into a music video chase scene.

Here's something to think about: consensual sex among citizens of Bizarro World would look like rape to us.

Somehow Bizarro, Jimmy, Chastity, and Bizarro's Penis have wound up in Area 51 jail since the end of the last issue. Maybe it happened at the end of the last issue. Look, I read an awful lot of comic books every month. Take into account I'm also watching all of the super hero television shows, trying to finish reading the six thousand plus page Richard Burton edition of 1001 Arabian Nights, working through a fuckton of 20th century poetry, not to mention (although mentioning) whatever books I read to relax, and snorting a lot of synthetic cocaine (or possibly Styrofoam beads?), I have a hard time remembering everything I've consumed from month to month. Which is a total shame because what are we other than our memories and experiences? If I can't remember anything I experience then who the fuck am I?

Right now I'm the guy who wants to go roller skating and eat cotton candy with Michalie Portenberg!

Isn't she adorable?!

The Non-Certified Spouse just spent three hours morphing different celebrities with each other or herself on Morphthing.com. I decided she should morph Natalie Portman and Michelle Trachtenberg together because I knew it would be super cute.

Oh wait! I'm feeling a little bit better about my memory because the comic book flashes back to three days ago when Jimmy and Bizarro first met Spooky-not-SPOOPY-you-fucking-idiots Mulder and I-Won't-Believe-It's-Alien-Butter Scully. Although I feel bad about my memory again when I realize I should have known there would be a flashback scene because this is a comic book and comic book writers have yet to realize that that trick is so old and stupid that I should probably think of a joke denigrating Republicans to finish this statement but I'm being lazy so....

I remember when Area 51 was super mysterious and exciting! Especially Hangar 18!

My grandfather received a mysterious commendation from Kelly Johnson, the man responsible for Area 51. My grandfather worked at the Skunk Works but it was all hush-hush secrecy so the only thing I know for sure that he worked on was the SR-71 Blackbird. He probably helped reverse engineer anti-gravity technology from the crashed space ship at Roswell!

The team accept the job to get their asses shot breaking into Area 51 and head to Las Vegas.

This dealer is terrible. Bizarro said not to hit!

I guess there are only like two or three jokes you can write about Las Vegas so the action returns to Area 51. They still have at least one autopsy joke left to make there. Maybe they'll even make a "What happens in Area 51, stays in Area 51" joke, right? That's something people who have been anally probed like to say, right? Anyway, in Area 51 prison, Jimmy points out that they have to anally probe the toughest alien in captivity to show their prison dominance. They might also have to mutilate a cow, depending on which aliens they're trying to impress. Those gray aliens sure have some weird hobbies.

It turns out Bizarro's Penis, Colin, is the scariest thing in the prison. That makes sense.

And then the story is back in Las Vegas! I guess they forgot to make a dead hooker joke because those are always hilarious. It's like "Oh no! I paid to have sex with a woman but that isn't the horrible part because sex workers in many situations are competent businesspersons who should not be made to feel shamed for the choices they have made. The horrible 'oh no' part is that I killed her (probably on accident) and now she is in the trunk of my rental car! This will surely break down into a series of dramatic events in which I'm almost caught but escape through quick thinking and clever dialogue. Finally I will never wind up having to pay for killing the hooker because she was just a hooker, right? Also it is Las Vegas where this kind of thing is expected and probably hilarious."

Oh! This is the part of the story where the one best friend discovers the secret being kept by the other best friend about how the best friend isn't really the best friend of the best friend because the best friend secretly doesn't even like the best friend! But later we'll learn that the best friend has learned to love the best friend and they'll reconcile and probably fuck.

Back in Area 51 prison, Bizarro gets in a fight with a sentient squirrel. I mean, a H'lvenite! It's wrong to call alien lifeforms by words describing the Earth thing they look like. Although that didn't stop Guy Gardner when he was partnered up with Zilius Zox.

The fight was pre-planned so that Munk the H'lvenite could detach Bizarro's power draining collar. Then once Bizarro was back to normal, the group could escape Area 51 Prison! But first the soldiers drive a tank into the prison and shoot Bizarro with it at point blank range.

Why do people keep building prisons with fairly easy access to destructive weapons and technology?

Bizarro chooses an old Superman outfit, Jimmy picks up some Thanagarian wings and a mace, and Chastity Hex does not find crotchless lace underwear like I was hoping. She winds up flying around with a jet-pack and a couple of lasers. I hope she gets her own series after this series ends. But I hope it's written by Neil Gaiman.

General Lane stops the brawl and insists that everybody do everything he say immediately because he's a general in the United States Army! That's practically the ultimate authority. If you're human, of course. Our Lizard Overseers wouldn't give a shit about General Lane. But Lane learns of a bigger authority than himself when Jimmy points out that he's been recording everything and sending it to Lois Lane! She'll blab anything! If General Lane wants to keep any secrets, he's going to have to do what his daughter wants! Although if Lois refuses to publish what she's learned in exchange for something she desires, she's doing a disservice to her readership!

All of the aliens are set free and Lois doesn't publish the story for some reason. Or maybe she'll just publish it later. Chastity goes off into space with Kilowog's cousin. And Bizarro's Penis catches a lift with some gray aliens. I guess that means everything worked out how it was supposed to! Or not how it was supposed to. Or maybe it all just ended the way life just ends. Although one issue is left so that's the issue where Jimmy is going to have to apologize to Bizarro for hurting his feelings.

Bizarro #5 Rating: No change. DC Comics should remember how convenient four issue miniseries were. They were just enough to get a story told without overstaying their welcome if they weren't the most interesting things in the world. Don't worry about how a four issue series doesn't quite hit the sweet spot on the page length and pricing chart for a collected edition. Instead, realize that a lot of people will commit to a four issue mini-series without even caring about the overall quality! This Bizarro miniseries was interesting enough with one or two funny moments per issue but it's really running long at six issues. We get the joke. I say not only forget doing six issue series but forget doing open-ended series altogether! Stop giving writers who have nothing to actually say a book that is expected to run for as long as it can (for example, Scott Lobdell with Doomed). Instead, give more writers who pitch a coherent, intriguing story four issues to tell it. Seriously though, I have so many four issue miniseries in my collection that I've probably never read because I just picked them up to read after they were all out and then never got to them. Four issue miniseries are potential goldmines!

Green Lantern Annual #4

Another issue of Green Lanterns Corps Quarterly!

Annual Time! Annual Time! I think I wrote a song about Annual Time! But I can't remember it so I think it went like this! Break me off a piece of that Annual Time!

I'm tired of trying to sound coherent when I write! What am I? A college professor?! I'm not even an internet smart person! You know those people. Always talking about pop culture through the lens of Greek Drama or Franzhelm Nietzsche's Philosophy or Critical Literary Theory! I'm not even smart enough to know which words to not capitalize! And I'm constantly using exclamation points to dress up my sentences so it seems like they're full of passionate intensity as opposed to lacking all conviction! Maybe I'd sound smarter if my tone were more somber which means maybe I should use more periods! A punctuation mark must exist which is the opposite of the exclamation point. You know? The one you use at the end of all of your spoken sentences when you're at a funeral? What does that punctuation mark look like? Oh! I think I know. Let me try it out.

"I was very sorry to hear that your grandmother was run over by a Rangifer tarandus:("

No, that won't work. Some people read and write their emoticons from right to left and then that just looks like somebody with a furrowed brow who's annoyed about the death of your grandmother. Also, I don't think emoticons should be used as punctuation. I didn't spend four and a half years in a state school's Literature Program and not learn a little something about ignoring the rules. Before I can flagrantly disregard proper punctuation, I have to become a famous poet! It's also possible that I can pretend to be a famous novelist who knows what he's doing while really just writing sleep-deprived rants in the manner of John Dos Passos. If only I had the same kind of confidence and audacity as that guy! And also his talent! Dammit! There go all the exclamation points again! Maybe I should just remove the key from my laptop?

Okay then. From now on, somber tones. Somber tones. Also try to remember that I can't type the number one anymore.

Hal Jordan has come to a planet that is full of criminals as he runs from the Green Lanterns. I hope he's not about to meet Jack T. Chance.

Nope. It's worse.

The problem I have with people into philosophy isn't that they're smart but that they never seem to think for themselves. It's always, "Well so-and-so (where "so-and-so" is the name of one of the many philosophers I totally know but don't want to pick on) thinks life is like a box of chocolates." Then they might expound on how they agree or disagree with so-and-so but through examples of other philosophers and their thoughts. They also love to disagree with anything anybody says because they don't believe anybody else has ever given any real thought to their own beliefs. Obviously we're all just running around spouting catch phrases and talking points. Whenever somebody says they're into philosophy, that usually just means that they want you to think they're smart without having to put in any work proving that they are. And if they have to put in work, it'll usually come in quotes from books they want you to think they've read completely rather than opinions they formed on their own. I believe in coming up with my own opinions based on not having to read lengthy and boring philosophy books!

Oh shit! The space where the exclamation point key was still functions even when the little flat bit has been removed! Apparently I don't understand how computers work.

Robert Venditti should be writing Twat Lobo. I almost liked him during the brief exchange with Hal! He had that type of confident arrogance that somebody who knows they can murder anybody who attacks them generally has. When I meet people like that, I always feel like I'm looking in a mirror! The Twat Lobo over in those other books is constantly flashing his bravado. That's the sign of a coward! And possibly a twat! I don't really know what the definition of "twat" is but I'm pretty sure Lobo has earned the moniker.

Hal doesn't run for long before the Green Lanterns catch up with him. The lanterns are 2-6-8-1-7-9-5, Wolverilla, Salaak, the one made of fire, and one whose name begins with "V", I think.

That's where the story ends for now. Because Hal Jordan is telling this old story to his new friends, The Little Prince and Trapper Keeper. For reference, I usually use an Oxford Comma so that should allow you to understand the previous sentence better.

Okay Trapper. You're stealing my shtick now.

Hal has some touching moments bonding with his crew that involve muzzles, mourning, and another word that begins with "M" that probably isn't masturbation before he gets back to his story.

Hal comes to a part of his story that only makes sense if viewed through one disgusting pop culture tidbit.

Nobody mentioned a ring! So he must be comparing how his hands spreading the hole to another pair of hands spreading a hole that have a ring. Goat.se.

On the next page, Hal completes his thought with "But I've still got the will." But that's only to make the previous page excusable to an editor paying attention to how the ring line doesn't make sense. I get what Venditti did here! He just goat.se'd Green Lantern fans everywhere! Good one, Bob!

Hal defeats the Lanterns and drives them off acting like a crazy killer in the hopes they'll back off chasing after him. I guess he didn't need to worry too much about that since they soon decided to take a vacation in another universe.

This is how I feel things would go down in a meeting between me and Scott Lobdell. Yes, Lobdell would be playing the Hal Jordan role.

Meanwhile on Port Spire which Hal Jordan recently freed from a group of Thanagarian bandits, a new group of Intergalactic Bad People begin questioning the cute little girl who learned to love guests. The new guys (unless they're old. I haven't heard of every character in the DC Universe no matter how much it seems like I probably actually have) are The Gray Agents. They want to kill Hal Jordan so they can gain a reputation as the best cops in the universe. Then they'll be trusted and they can take over the policing business. And there's a lot of money in the policing business if you're a bunch of corrupt assholes which I'm assuming The Gray Agents are.

Meanwhile back aboard Darlene, Hal has a private conversation with The Little Prince about reputation as well. He wants everybody to think he's got a bad one so that they all fear him. And he wants to do it through other people talking! He doesn't want to rely on the empty bravado of Twat Lobo! Okay, so it's not really so empty since Twat Lobo can back it up. But I sure wish he'd simply back it up more instead of constantly crowing about it. After the conversation, Hal continues on his search for The Black Hand.

Green Lantern Annual #4 Non-Ranking Annual Rating: Batman was a terrific annual. This was also a terrific annual. How did DC manage to publish two annuals worth reading in one month?! And I still have the Grayson and the Suicide Squad Annuals which I have high hopes for! Notice how I didn't mention the Green Arrow Annual? You can't expect them all to be gems!

Bizarro #4

This magic trick is disgusting.

After three issues, I'm beginning to suspect that Jimmy Olsen isn't actually taking Bizarro to Canada. A road trip to Canada from Metropolis should have probably taken about six hours. But instead they've gone through Central City and Branson on the way to Canada? That doesn't make sense. I think Jimmy's taking Bizarro to Area 51! Jimmy Olsen really is the worst friend ever.

This issue begins with Bizarro having his fortune read by some psychic that thankfully isn't Madame Xanadu. If it had been, the reading would have told Bizarro that to save the world, he would have to give Madame Xanadu an erotic massage while Jimmy Olsen cleans out the garage. Instead, Madame Hoobeedtnozoff confirms my suspicions that Jimmy isn't taking Bizarro to Canada!

Oh yeah. Jimmy is just trying to get enough photos for a bestselling coffee table book. It must be the people following them who are from Area 51.

While in Branson, Bizarro decides that they should go see Zatanna. Jimmy Olsen hates magic because he hates things that don't follow rules. That makes me suspicious as to why he's Superman's Pal then. Maybe Jimmy doesn't mind when somebody breaks every rule of physics in the pursuit of following all the made-up rules imagined up by mankind. But if somebody is just seeming to break the rules of physics in the pursuit of making a living? Jimmy can't stand that shit.

Bizarro understands how Zatanna's magic works because do you really think I'm going to finish this sentence? We all get why he understands it. He uses it himself to make himself disappear which opens a portal allowing him to travel to a bunch of magical DC locations like the Rock of Eternity and Gemworld and The House of Mystery and Hell and the Parliament of Trees and Skartaris. Eventually he returns to tell Jimmy about his adventures. But Zatanna is all, "You can't do backwards magic! That's my thing!" And Bizarro is all, "Unh-unh!" And Zatanna is all, "Oh no! I lost my powers!"

It's all very E is for Everyone kinds of shenanigans. Except for the name of the psychic at the beginning. I think that was some kind of beating off joke.

Bizarro casts a spell which causes Jimmy to become a Bizarro version of himself and turns Bizarro normal.

Um, your boobs? I think your boobs have gone awry.

Jimmy Olsen begins to destroy Branson in an effort to make it as photogenic as possible. Zatanna and Bizarro are now powerless to stop him, so Zatanna calls in a friend to help. I hope it isn't that barn owl Madame Zatanna! Thankfully it's Deadman! He enters Jimmy, stops the rampage, and then leaves. Thanks for the quick fix, Deadman!

Once Jimmy and Bizarro realize they now understand each other, they return to normal. Then they fuck. Probably. But it's off-panel because this is an E for Everyone comic book.

After the dust settles, Agents Spooky Stu and I-Won't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter Mahalo finally catch up to Jimmy and Bizarro.

Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Bizarro #4 Rating: No change. I feel ripped off. Based on the cover, I thought Zatanna was going to take a piss inside Jimmy Olsen's skull. Now I have to pull my pants back up over my disappointed wiener. Even Lord Google couldn't help out. Even if I split the terms up, Lord Google couldn't find any images of Zatanna peeing or Jimmy Olsen's skull! I must be subscribed to the wrong internet.