Justice League #20

All of the Batmen are just pretending to be dead.

The Review!
The last story was called "Timeless" and it felt like it was. This issue is called "Endless" so I've just killed myself.

Yeah, yeah. Get it all out of your system. "Suicide isn't funny, you asshole!" I know it isn't funny. But hyperbole when facing situations like having to read another Bryan Hitch Justice League story is funny! Just be thankful I didn't use the rape analogy that came to mind!

This story begins with The Flash leaning over a dying Jessica Cruz telling her not to die because he's going to get help. Here's a fun fact: he could have gotten help in the time it took him to tell her not to die! Instead he hangs around to hear her moan, "Barry? That you? Sorry, Barry. Sorr--." Read that bit from Jessica again but do it in the way a dying person would slowly drag it out. Now think to yourself, "If I were the fastest man in the world, why would I spend an eternity like that not getting help?" Now ask yourself this question: "Why did the comic book begin with this scene when it's obviously going to flashback to a day or two earlier when I turn the stupid page?" I can answer that one: "Bryan Hitch is a terrible writer!" If you don't like that answer, here's another one: "Brian Cunningham is a terrible editor!" Still not doing anything for you? One more: "Comic books are terrible and written for stupid people who have no ability to intelligently critique the way stories are told so they keep using this 'begin at a point in the story that hooks the reader before going back to the part of the story you deemed way too boring to keep the audience still feel you need to tell anyway' method of storytelling." The thing is, if you don't think beginning at the beginning is interesting enough, how about not going back to that part of the story? If you think you're being ballsy by beginning at the point where Jessica Cruz is dying, how about you keep telling the story from that point?

Hunh. When I turned the page, the story just kept continuing from this point. It's probably a fluke. It'll probably flashback any time now and just stay there. Until then, I guess I can pretend that Bryan Hitch has decided to do what almost no comic book writers ever do anymore. He's actually going to keep telling the story from the point he chose to start it!

Some guy in motocross gear is standing nearby with a Cosmic Jackhammer asking Flash why The Flash should live after The Flash killed "them." The Flash doesn't know what the guy is talking about but he does reveal he's a fan of South Park.

Totally inappropriate time to be quoting a cartoon, dude.

It's too bad I just scanned that picture because there's a wayward comma in the dialogue on the next page. Man, I would have really skewered Bryan Hitch in the caption of that one!

After the guy uses his Cosmic Jackhammer, Barry flashes back to breakfast with Jessica. But in the flashback, he's all, "Wait. Didn't we already do this?" Then the cafe explodes in that way that cafes explode when somebody just outside of them begins using a Cosmic Jackhammer. The guy is still whinging on about his terrible life. "You killed her, killed them, took all I had away." Blah blah blah! Hopefully he's just insane and not another villain who became a villain because the Justice League failed to save the people he loved. I only mention that because Bryan Hitch has shown he's only capable of writing two stories. One story is where the Justice League believe a person is good and then find out the person is bad and have to stop them. The other story is how a bad person became bad because good guys didn't save his or her family personally. Sometimes both stories get combined into one story so it almost looks like Bryan Hitch knows how to write a third story.

Well, at least we know which story this is now.

It looks like Flash is going to have to Memento through this one as the Cosmic Jackhammer disrupts the way time flows around him. But I guess he's immune to it because of his link with the Speed Force giving him the ability to time travel. Now as the story plays backwards, it will give The Flash a chance to find out why this guy is so angry. Then he'll be able to stop the thing that caused this from happening and all of this will never have happened and Jessica won't die. Now that I've figure it out, can I stop reading it? Do I get a pass?

Barry winds up screaming at Jess to not die and lying to her about getting help. Then the angry guy uses his Cosmic Jackhammer again and time reverses even further back in the story. It's a good thing time is flowing this way or else The Flash would never know how to deal with the conflict that needs to be dealt with in this plot. He's lucky he gets another chance at saving the woman he loves unlike that guy in Memento who can only manipulate events over and over again so that he feels some satisfaction in avenging the death of the woman he loved even though his ultimate goal is to save her life which he can't do. That's why he'll never fill that space on his chest with that tattoo declaring he did the thing he can't ever do.

When he finally gets far enough in the past, The Flash winds up warning the Justice League about this guy and his Cosmic Jackhammer. So they go to stop him and — guess what?! — they cause the disaster that kills his family by trying to stop the disaster that kills his family! Oh, time travel! What a capricious beast you are! Now how is The Flash going to stop this from happening?! Oh! I know! More time travel!

The Ranking!
-2! Here is a story that never needs to be told again: something happens that shouldn't have happened so somebody uses time travel to stop it from happening and succeeds so that the bad thing never actually happened. If you don't write that story, it's the same as having written that story. So please stop writing that story.

Cyborg #5

This is demoralizing. I'm not even through the Looney Tunes variants yet!

This must be the last Looney Tunes variant though because Cyborg has been running about a month late. Although I've got another Cyborg in the stack so it really feels like DC has been pushing to all of their titles back on schedule by the end of this month. That's probably why there were two Justice Leagues of America and two Justice Leagues and a couple of Batman Europas and about fifteen DC Bombshells. I'm about two weeks behind before I can get back on a timely schedule where I'm writing about comic books that have just come out. Although, let's face it. Nobody cares about comic books that have just come out. They only care about comic books that are three to six months from coming out. I really should just do reviews of the solicits.

If I remember last issue correctly--and I believe I am remembering it correctly because I'm currently bored--the Technosapiens had invaded Earth and Cyborg, along with the Metal Men, were Earth's last line of defense. Hopefully something exciting will take place this issue or I'm going to have to revive my Old Trivia That's Probably Totally Wrong Now!

The first few pages aren't helping change my mind about how boring this comic book is. Cyborg gets his leg chopped off by Alternate Universe Sarah Charles (unless it was bitten off by the monster that was eating him. But Cyborg blames Sarah so I'm going to go with that rather than what was in the art) and then she teleports him away from Earth. That means it's now up to the Metal Men to stop thinking about the many ways they might convince Superman to fuck them all and to start saving the Earth. Instead they choose to run because they're incompetent.

Really? Really really real?

Over in Alternate Universe Detroit, Cyborg regenerates his leg while say a bunch of stuff I don't understand. But I'm totally impressed by it because I don't understand it so it must be super scientific and totally explains how Cyborg can now regenerate his body. He can also transform it from flesh to metal. So he doesn't actually need to look like a Cyborg anymore, does he? Although his look is currently the most interesting thing about this comic book so it would be a mistake if he decided to look human.

Do not read anything in the following scan if you are operating heavy machinery.

I'm so fucking bored!

Cyborg tries to lighten the mood by throwing in the occasional joke but then he says "Who's joking?" and I scream "No kidding!"

Cyborg throws in a bit of social commentary too but I was yawning too much to care. And then the comic book goes for the kill! It's like it knows that what little interest I had when I began reading this comic book is quickly flagging, so it decides to mesmerize me with some serious repetition.

I should have followed this guy's advice.

Do I have to explain that the KERTHUNK was the Metal Men saving these guys? It's not like that was a twist of Hitchockian proportions. Besides, they seem to be the only heroes left in the DC You. It's also possible that this alien invasion has only affected Detroit which is why the rest of the world hasn't noticed. That's totally believable.

Back on Alternate Universe Earth, Real Sarah Charles pulls Vic aside to tell him a secret. I think she was going to tell him that she's pregnant so that a little drama could be injected into this buzzkill. But instead she points out that she can hear his heartbeat. Which--I'm guessing!--she couldn't hear before. Previous to his discovery that he had regenerative powers, all she could hear was the hum of his disk drive spinning.

As I mentioned in previous commentaries, the romantic relationship between Sarah and Vic really should be front and center. Instead Larry Walker has chosen to highlight yet another alien invasion. I think that alien invasion would be more interesting if it took place as Vic was desperately trying to get laid. Seriously, the first thing you'd figure he'd want to do after regrowing his penis is make use of its secondary function! Unless doing it is its primary function and peeing is the secondary function.

No kidding no kidding no kidding!

I wonder when it will be time for jokes?

Not now! Now is the time to quote an overrated line from They Live!

Cyborg and his new gang of Alternate Universe Misfits teleport back to Earth-You to battle the Techno-Sapiens once and for all. I'm guessing it's the final battle because it's leading into the sixth issue and that's the general length for stretching out stories that probably could have been told in two issues.

Cyborg #5 Rating: -1 Ranking. Was I too subtle in my efforts to describe this comic book as boring? It would be a shame if you walked away thinking you should pick up this comic book. I mean, if you've got insomnia and nothing you've tried has worked, I'd recommend giving this book a try. My life is no better or worse from having read this comic book. I might even be more refreshed because I'm certain I just had a dozen micro-naps during this read. Usually when a comic has built up more than one issue in my "To Read" stack, I'd just get them all out of the way at once. But I'm legitimately concerned that if I read Cyborg #6 right now, I could pass out and bang my head on the corner of my desk.

Earth 2 #32

Why has nobody taken Fury aside to tell her that her outfit makes no fucking sense?

Let's change our language regarding sexual identity! From now on, our sexual identity should be expressed by the sexual organs with which we want to interact. So if you love vagina, you'd be a Vagetarian. And if you like dick, you'd be a Cockivore. If you liked them both, you'd be at the Omnibuffet. If you're not into any sexual organs, you'd just carry a napkin around and when somebody asks, you'd hold it up to your lips as if you were covering a burp and shake your head no. If you're just into ass play, you're a Regular at the Salad Bar. I think this fixes the entire conversation on sexual identity! Where's my Nobel Cock Ring?

One of the issues with sex is that I think the younger a person is (yet still being old enough to be all into doing it big time and a lot!), the more pressure that person feels to seem kinky and outrageous in the bedroom. A lot of unnecessary bragging goes on during the first decade or two of sexuality. There's a need to impress a partner with wild flailing or pushing boundaries or even involving yourself in sexual situations where you find yourself ultimately uncomfortable but press on for the sake of how your partner sees you. Eventually though, you hit a certain age where you just want you and your partner to have a good time that ends in orgasm for both parties. You don't need to impress anybody or be afraid that your vanilla sexy style is going to bore your partner. You just do to your partner things they like that bring them to orgasm and hope your partner reciprocates by doing things you like that will bring you to orgasm. You don't need wild flailing or breathy moans or Lovecraftian sex talk (unless you're fucking me and then you'd better do some research) in the bedroom. You just need to be the nakedest, most trusting and open version of yourself. And maybe a bull whip and some Ben Wa balls.

Passionate, experimental, youthful, trying hard to impress sex can be a lot of fun. But it can also be exhausting. After a certain age, it's just nice to find a trusting partner with whom you can have relaxing, comfortable orgasms! Did I mention the exhilarating pleasures of dangerous sex involving strangers with loaded guns? Should I not have mentioned that? Should I delete the link to the website where you can meet up for that? Yeah, I probably should.

Um, Earth-2 has people on it and they have sex as well! Whew! What a smooth segue!

See? The comic opens up with some Kryptonian sexy talk.

I wonder if Oracle's kink (the New 52 Galactus created by Scott Lobdell and not the Preboot Babs in a wheelchair version) is that he can only get off while watching worlds die? So Oracle sends out that guy with the horn to find dying planets so that he can rush over and jerk it while he watches the planet die.

This is the last issue of Earth-2, so Earth-2 is probably going to get fucked by Apokolips. Literally!

Ha ha! Right. "Drill."

After The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick points out the drill, Hawkcop quotes the Earth-2 version of Star Wars: "That's not a drill--it's a modified satellite." That didn't even end in an exclamation point which can only mean Earth-2 Star Wars was boring.

While The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick and Hawkcop joke about the "drill," Doctor Cocoa Puffs whines and pouts about how he failed his friends and abandoned them during the battle. And since the battle is still raging, Doctor Cocoa Puffs throws down the helmet and continues to abandon his friends while completely hating himself.

Commander Sato brings up to speed the only hero that can possibly save everybody: Replacement Batman! At least I think he's the only person that can save them by some kind of Bruce Willieian sacrifice. He can't make it back to Earth-Main-Earth because that would make Bruce Wayne cry constantly. So he's going to have to become a martyr to give everybody else a chance to escape. Commander Sato's quote's Earth-2's version of Red Dwarf to get her message across to Replacement Batman. "Dead, Batman. They're all dead. Jimmy Olsen? Dead, Batman. The Avatars of Earth? All dead. Everyone is dead, Batman."

And then the super hot sex scene that's making me super uncomfortable in the pants.

Just so we're clear: I'm totally against planetary rape and planetary rape culture.

Steel finally gets to have some time with the talking stick and he describes that time way back in Issue #13 where he went into the firepit and met the Red Avatar. He starts talking about choices and hope and living and dying but since he's military, he can't help but ruin anything he previously said by ending his speech with "do your damn duty." Fuck you, Steel! Sometimes walking away from your damn duty is the more ethical decision! I hate you!

Commander Sato gives an impassioned halftime coach to the players speech which ends with "Ten against the gods!" I'm disappointed that nobody says, "Gods? Never tell me the gods!"

Oh Val-el. What happened to your incessant mantra of "There's got to be another way"?

I had such high hopes for a pacifist Superman who always stuck to his principles, refusing to throw a single punch while always finding another way to use his powers to subdue or defeat his enemies. But he's just going to become the same old guy that constantly resorts to throwing punches, isn't he?

Hawkcop and Doctor Cocoa Puffs penetrate the "drill" to find and destroy its power source. They discover a glowing ball of fire which is probably a decent representation of an alien power source, so Hawkcop begins shooting bullets into it. She seems surprised when her "guys" (how cute! She calls her guns her guys!) are powerless against it. But Doctor Cocoa Puffs saves the day, proving that he can wield the Helm of Nabu without going completely bonkers. I think it's time to upgrade his name to Doctor Froot Loops. Froot Loops are less crazy than Cocoa Puffs, right?

So the satellite is destroyed but that doesn't mean Apokolips has been defeated! There's still more story left for the Earth-2 wonders over in that piece of extreme garbage, World's End! I mean, that excellent weekly periodical!

Earth 2 #32 Rating: +1 Ranking. For once some of the important action got to take place in Earth-2 instead of World's End! That made this issue reminiscent of a postcard from Devil's Tower that liberally interprets the Lakota myth of its creation.

Twat Lobo #5

Finally, Cullen Bunn is delving into the one thing that always defined Lobo: romance!

See? Would I lie to you, loyal readers?

I just dug through a bunch of comic book boxes looking for issues of Lobo by Alan Grant and I only found from #48 on. It looks like the older issues remain in my childhood home. I also realized I don't have my run of The Demon. And now I feel empty inside! I think I need to plan a trip home soon to pick up all of my old comic books. Oh, and to see my mom!

I found a lot of comics that I'm surprised I owned. Darwyn Cooke's The New Frontier #1. The first three issues of Identity Crisis. Maybe that's why I purchased the hardcover when it came out because I wanted to see how the story ended. But fuck all if I even remember reading the individual issues. I also discovered this gem which is relevant to the current Teen Titans run:

I don't remember this (or the other issues of The Power Company that I own) at all. I'm sure I purchased it on the strength of Busiek's Astro City.

The Power Company is about an eighth of an inch wider than other comics. I thought maybe new comics had shrunk not just in pages but in size, but Twat Lobo #5 is the same size as Lobo #54.

Anyway, let's turn our attention to far less interesting matters: Twat Lobo! The issue begins with Twat Lobo killing off yet another of Earth's would-be assassins. When is he going to have trouble killing one of them? I guess that will be the final target, right?

Now I want to write a comic book called General Calamity and Wanton Violence. It would be set in the old west and be full of gore and good-intentioned racist microaggressions. You know the kind! Like when some white gunslinger has his ass saved by a Chinese fella and the gunslinger says, "You ain't so bad, fer a chinerman." And the Chinese Gunslinger smiles graciously while planning on whether he's going to piss or shit in the white gunslinger's stew later. You know! A fun comic book!

Oh shit! I just had an Asian-American Doll moment! I didn't mean for the comic book to sound like it was a white guy named General Calamity and a Chinese guy named "Wonton" Violence! Man, my cynicism almost failed me but I caught it just in time! Although, fuck me, it's a good idea! "So, you're name is Wonton Violence, hunh?" "No, it is 'Wanton' Violence,' you ignorant cocksucker!" Of course, Wanton Violence delivers his line over a smoking pistol and the corpse of the ignorant cocksucker.

What does "just this side of binary code" mean? Are her spells just long strings of either Eye of Newt or Toe of Frog? TOE EYE TOE TOE EYE EYE TOE TOE TOE EYE EYE TOE TOE TOE TOE EYE TOE EYE EYE TOE EYE EYE TOE EYE TOE EYE EYE TOE TOE EYE TOE EYE.

Twat Lobo shoots Zarielle Thane in the face and walks away. I doubt she's dead though because Cullen Bunn gave her a name! She'll be back using Binary Magic!

Next on Twat Lobo's list is a guy named The Businessman. Sounds scary! To get some information on the whereabouts of The Businessman, Twat Lobo interrupts two employees fucking in the middle of the office on everybody's last day.

How does Twat Lobo know she could do better? Or he could do better? Whichever one he was actually talking to. And what does "better" even have to do with it? They just want to fuck before never seeing each other again! What does "better" have to do with it? Unless Twat Lobo knows instinctively how good each of these people are at fucking and he's just trying to hand down some friendly advice so they don't waste their time on awkwardly bad sex.

Up on the 42nd 23rd Floor, Twat Lobo discovers lots of dead security guards and a woman called The Pariah. She's from Xrexia, Czarnia's sister planet (whatever that means). And she's the last of her kind too! I guess that means these two are destined to fuckfight. It's plain to see! Especially if you close the comic book and look at the cover again. Yep! There it is! Fuckfighting right out in the open!

So they fuckfight for a bit with a lot of yakking about how Xrexia was destroyed when Czarnia blew up and how Czarnians and Xrexians are apparently the same species because sister planets and comic books and fuck you and what not.

She obviously doesn't know Twat Lobo very well. He gets a boner every time he kills.

Twat Lobo's kink for killing isn't anything near as strange as The Pariah's kink though.

Eww! Guts turn her on! Gross! She probably uses them like anal beads!

So Xrexia was colonized by anti-Emperor Czarnians and the Emperor was all, "Sure! No problem! Let them go live free from my rule!" You know, the way emperors always do. So understanding. I suppose he couldn't stop the initial batch from fleeing but according to Twat Lobo's recent flashback, the emperor did set up a policy of destroying all ships leaving Czarnia for Xrexia.

Apparently there is one of those ancient prophecies that like to impose themselves on comic book characters. This one states that one day The Pariah and The Lobo would bring back both of their races from ruination! But that can't happen because Twat Lobo has a code and that code says something about how The Pariah has to die for some reason. I guess she's one of the Earth Assassins and she's taking out her competition as well. So I guess she's the one with which Twat Lobo is going to have a tough time dealing!

The Pariah leaves Twat Lobo to heal because she really wants to save the fuck part of the fuckfight for later. After Twat Lobo heals, he finds half of The Businessman crawling for safety. Before Twat Lobo kills him, The Businessman delivers a message from The Pariah: she destroyed Czarnia, you fucking toolbag.

Twat Lobo #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. I remember Real Deal Lobo's name meant something about one who devours one's entrails and thoroughly enjoys it. But Twat Lobo's name is a rank or a position. Has he explained that yet? I'd like him to re-explain it if he did because I missed it. It makes more sense that there is a prophecy about The Lobo and The Pariah if these were positions that existed for centuries on both planets. Anyway, this issue was much better than previous issues, probably because Twat Lobo never said, "Sorry. Not sorry." I hope Sheba returns soon.

Superman Literally Loves Wonder Woman #15

Superman and Wonder Woman are literally fucking on this cover.

I literally can't fight it any more. It's time to join the masses in embracing the overuse of "literally" to punch up everything I write. Do I need the reader to feel what I'm saying is literally the non-exaggerated truth? Add literally! Do I need the reader to feel what I'm saying is literally exaggerated truth? Add literally! Does everything I fucking write need to sound like I'm instantly literally defending it from naysayers before they've even literally read it? Add literally! Am I just literally incompetent at putting together a thought? Yes!

Last issue ended with Wonderstar revealing he was literally Magog. Did the Kingdom Come Universe literally merge with The New 52 Universe or had that happened Pre-Flashpoint so it's just a thing that everybody literally already knew anyway? Magog is literally gogaM backwards. Hmm, I thought that would be more important than it wound up being.

This issue begins literally five weeks prior to where last issue ended.

We've literally been over this five thousand times before. Yes, yes. It's the super heroes fault that your family was killed during the Apokolips invasion.

Little David Reid is literally transformed by a magic stone given to him by a red haired vixen that is literally Circe. Unless it's not but when has doubt literally ever stopped a person from appending "literally" to a statement? Who else could she be? She's hot and she does magic and there are Ionic columns behind her! Unless they're literally Doric. Or the other one.

Little David Reid literally has every reason to hate Superman and Wonder Woman. Why didn't they save his parents rather than the other person's parents they probably saved? Why did they literally allow the invasion to happen by literally saying, "Darkseid! Come invade Earth and kill David Reid's family! And that other guy's family too and give him cancer so he writes a book and then tries to literally kill the Justice League because misplaced anger and aggression makes for good comic book stories!"

So now the Justice League is literally responsible for causing the deaths of all the people that they never saved?

Magog has defeated Superman and Wonder Woman in the Palisades of New Jersey. Hey! That's literally the exact same spot that She-Hulk and Titania just battled! Why is it so popular all of a sudden? Oh! I know! Because there is literally nobody there so there is literally nobody around to blame the super heroes for causing somebody's death due to their mere existence!

Magog literally stabs Superman with his pointy weapon thing and throws him over a literal cliff. Then he literally turns around to take care of Wonder Woman.

Whoops! Magog should have literally killed Wonder Woman first.

Magog literally blasts the shit out of Wonder Woman. But Wonder Woman needs to make sure Superman is alive, so she literally flees from the battle with her tail tucked between her legs. Magog, not feeling cliché enough decides that he shouldn't kill Superman and Wonder Woman now while he has the upper hand. Instead, he needs to literally make them feel real loss. It's literally the stupidest plan any villain can come up with and yet it's literally the only one they ever do come up with.

Too bad Magog isn't around to hear Superman say, "We have to literally protect everybody from this monster!", or else he might have to think twice about his motivations for killing Superman. Wonder Woman, on the literal other hand, just wants to kill him as quickly as possible because she is the literal God of Hugs. I mean War. I keep forgetting this isn't the only version of Wonder Woman that literally matters. You remember the one? The one literally written by Gail Simone?

Speaking of poorly motivated villains, what the fuck was Jason Voorhees motivation in Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Literally Lives? I know his mother's motivation was to avenge the death of her child by literally killing every camp counselor that was too busy fucking or drugging it up to watch over the kids. Then Jason's motivation was to literally kill everybody that had a job similar to those that killed his mom. But why would he literally watch a camp counselor compassionately helping out a child and doing her job the way that the others that needed to be murdered never did and then literally paint the walls of a cabin with her blood? I think Undead Zombie Jason Voorhees is conflicted.

This is literally the worst debate tactic in the history of debates and/or tactics.

Too bad Wonder Woman literally proves Magog's point by ignoring the cars full of families as she flies past them, preferring to punch Magog in the face than to save the families. Sure, she says that she does it because she knows Superman is literally there to save them. But I think she's literally worse at debate than Magog.

Magog continues to try to kill people so that they'll blame the superheroes that literally let them be killed. The problem is not everybody is literally mentally ill and don't view reality the way that Magog literally views reality. Sure, some people in the DC Universe think like Magog does. Like that idiotic cop at the end of Batgirl #1 who literally blames Batgirl for the death of a patient that The Mirror just threw out a window instead of blaming The Mirror who just literally threw a person out of a window. Holy fuck, I forgot how horrible that ending was. How come the people who literally worship Gail Simone never talk about that last panel on the last page of Batgirl #1?! It was literally the worst. I might be using literally incorrectly now because I also remember reading Grifter #1 and that one might have had nineteen more pages literally worse than that single Batgirl panel.

Calling the people you're trying to convince of your argument literal sheep probably isn't helping your cause.

Then Circe shows up to tell Magog that his plan is literally the dumbest plan in the world and that they should probably just kill Superman and Wonder Woman right now.

Jesus Christ, Peter J. Tomasi. I fucking trusted you and you literally took my trust and had your deviant way with it. My trust literally looked up to you as a father figure and you took advantage of that trust to satisfy your disgusting needs! What are you fucking doing to this comic book? Do we really need another fucking villain that's literally just a crying baby searching for somebody to blame since the real people to blame are dead? I literally blame all fucking Americans for this kind of thinking. "Protect me! Protect me! Oh, you didn't protect me so now I'm going to sue you!" Fucking mewling beshitted screaming brats. Go literally fuck yourselves. All of you!

Superman Literally Loves Wonder Woman #15 Rating: No change. That's literally how all of you assholes sound. Now get the fuck off my lawn. Seriously though. You're literally kicking the new grass seed everywhere.

Earth 2 #30

Why is everybody worried about Apokolips?! Cthulhu has been awakened!

I'm really not very interested in this comic book any more so I apologize for my mood ahead of time. As that fucking cow Mrs. McFarland noted on my report card, I let my "mood" affect the way I participate. Well excuse me, Mrs. Judgy McMindyourownbeeswax! I began kindergarten at four years old! What kind of four year old doesn't let their mood affect the way they act?!

I should actually be speaking kindly of Mrs. McFarland. She had the patience and took the time to get a kid that stubbornly refused to do anything asked of him to eventually feel comfortable enough to participate in class activities. Throughout my scholastic career, I benefited greatly from teachers knowing when to be hands off and just leave me be (which was often as I tended to flare up and have a huge tantrum whenever I felt an assignment was worthless, or too much extra work). I don't ever remember having a teacher that felt they needed to be so in control that they fought me over any of the shit I adamantly refused to do. It takes a strong and patient teacher to realize that doing nothing can often be a successful solution when dealing with a kid that just will not work within your system (or, as I believe my case quite possibly was, is entirely incapable of working within it). By the end of high school, I had learned the tricks that would get everybody to simply leave me alone. I would pass barely noticed in the back of the class. The main trick was to finish homework assignments. This was easily accomplished by doing homework in class instead of participating. And of course, I had to do well on tests so nobody felt they needed to pay any extra attention to me. Both of these were easy enough, and they seemed to be all parents and teachers cared about. My cousin used to struggle constantly with the homework part, arguing that if he did well on the tests than why does he have to do the homework? That seemed like a nightmare to me! Didn't he know everybody would leave him alone and he'd have more free time to do what he liked if he just did the homework? I didn't give a shit whether or not I was "buying" into the system since I didn't give a shit about the system. All I knew was I could do whatever I wanted after school and he was busy in detention or grounded or being watched over by his mom to make sure he did his work.

After the first few years of elementary school, by about third grade when I met my best friends for years, I was mostly comfortable with school. I spent so much time inside my own head that it barely seemed to matter where my body was. I read a lot and just looked forward to anything that was extra-curricular: reading, singing, recess, lunch! The only thing I truly feared in school were the oral reports. I once gave an oral report on glaciers that was copied word for word out of a fifties encyclopedia. But just as my report began, the geography teacher was called out of the room by another teacher for some hallway mini-conference. He told me to continue and he was gone for the entire report. When he came back in, he asked Simon Raines how I had done and good old Simon simply said it was great. I probably should have slipped him my lunch money that day. Except I always brought a bag lunch. I guess I could have given him my Pringles.

I thought Rot was The Grey?

Why does the Avatar of the Green, who is ostensibly a plant, have breasts? Maybe they're just burls.

At the Parliament Enclave, the colors have gathered to recite poetry. First White goes:

White! I'm White! White white white white white white!
I refract the light! I'm not uptight! I help with flight!
I'm cold at night! And not quite shite despite my bite!
White! I'm White! White white white white white white!
Like the chickens, dog!

White's Avatar was the human that most fit the poem. That human was Sam Zhou.

Green doesn't have a poem but it probably would go something like this:

Green is serene.
Not mean.
It's green.

And that is Alan Scott!

Sure the Blue would follow. Even though Blue's story begins "eons before."

Blue's poem went a little something like this:

"What is madness but wonder unchecked?
Love but the dream of the self bereft?
Knowledge nothing but innocence wrecked?
And what am I to you?

Beauty is simply a mask over death.
Hope exists only when nothing is left.
Life but scant moments spent catching one's breath.
Please, what am I to you?

Was ambition your fear driven by stress?
Success someone else's taken through theft?
Could I've given more? Could you've given less?
I know what I am to you."

And Blue's avatar was the Great Old One, Azathoth! Although it really should be Cthulhu since Cthulhu is the one under the sea and Azathoth is more the scary monstrous something at the edge of dreaming or reality or something.

And then Red gets to do Red's poem although I think Red is a bit more into violence than poetry, so we'll see how that goes.

She's talking about names like slut and cunt and bitch! Unless she's talking about names like skank and cocksucker and butthole! Or sexy and chula and big breasted booty babe!

Red's poem goes something like this:

Library cats are dangerous!
Don't look them in the fucking eye!
Don't touch their feet because they hate that!
Rub their belly if you want to lose your hand!
Library cats! Yes! Library cats!
They're in your chair when you just got up for one fucking second!
Don't try to move them because they'll act like they've been there all day and you don't have any right to your stupid fucking seat!
That one's staring at you and staring at you and staring at you and staring at you!
Do you have meat on your face or something?
No wait! Now it just ran up a shelf and knocked down five books and is licking its paw like nothing fucking happened!
Oh yeah! Library cats!

The Red's avatar is Yolanda Montez. Some people remember her as Wildcat! I call her Library-Cat!

Earth 2 #30 Rating: No change. This book has nothing to do but tell back stories and tell inconsequential tales and do pretty much nothing but waste time since all of the important stuff now happens weekly over in World's End.

Twat Lobo #4

Now I want to draw this one in crayon too!

I've always believed that who we are doesn't really change all that much over the course of our lives. A few years ago, my dad gave me some copies of my elementary school report cards. Most of you reading this don't know me at all but I assure you that thirty seven years later, Mrs. McFarland's assessment of me in kindergarten still rings true.

11-9-76: Tess is a fine boy. He does have his 'problems' but I see progress every day. He has an excellent mind.
1-28-77: Tess continues to make great progress. He is entering into nearly all activities willingly now.
4-14-77: Tess has days when his 'mood' affects the way he participates.

Mrs. McFarland gave me a minus (which isn't good!) in the following categories:

Interacts positively with others.
Accepts guidance from others when necessary.
Feels good about himself.
Has self-discipline.
Is emotionally able to cope with problems.
Demonstrates an attempt to solve his own problems.
Uses time to his advantage.

You know what? Fuck you, Mrs. McFarland! How dare you judge me, you cantankerous old cow!

Actually, I really liked her! I remember spending an awful lot of time sitting alone while everybody else engaged in some activity or another. I did like playing in the sandbox with the rubber animals, lying on my blanket during naptime, going across the first grade playground to play in the padded gymnastics room, and playing "Button, Button, Who's Got the Button?" My best friend (and possibly only friend in kindergarten) was a girl named Judy. I remember stacking blocks with her but not much else.

Lately, Twat Lobo and Superman have been having some problems. They just don't seem to like each other much.

Who fucking made you king of the world?!

Fucking illegal aliens! Come to this planet and start acting like they own the thing! What gives Superman more right to be on Earth than Twat Lobo? Simply because he was here twenty something years before Twat Lobo?! Superman's just as bad as every other immigrant that ever came to the shores of America slightly before every other immigrant!

Twat Lobo wants to shoot Superman in the face but his three anchors tell him it's a bad idea. The bald anchor with the handlebar mustache references an old fucking song about how you don't tug on Superman's cape and you don't spit into the wind and you don't do a bunch of other things and you don't mess around with Jim. Or Superman. Unless he's referencing Rapper's Delight by The Sugar Hill Gang but I think that one just insults the fuck out of Superman.

Instead of throwing Twat Lobo off the planet again, Superman probably realizes he's being a controlling douche and decides to talk it out with Twat Lobo. I think they'll be best friends in no time! Even though Twat Lobo is an imbecile who constantly says "Sorry Not Sorry," he actually seems more inclined to compromise than Real Deal Lobo the Original and One and Only Lobo. That Lobo constantly got his ass kicked whenever he came to Earth, so Twat Lobo has the right idea making friends with Superman.

Twat Lobo tells Superman that he's after some guy named Snake Omega and that Snake is going to use the Planet Earth as a bullet to kill some other alien that Snake has a contract for.

At first I thought those were potatoes but I think this giant space guy just shits where he stands and lets his turds float off.

Twat Lobo should be the one using the planet Earth as ammunition! He shouldn't be an inadvertent super hero helping to save the planet! This is one of the things I hate about Twat Lobo! Even though it's a good idea that he buddies up to Superman, I still hate him for being a weak-willed asshole! Tell Superman to fuck off, ya big wuss!

Superman and Twat Lobo decide to work together to capture Snake Omega before Earth blasts its way through some alien's skull. While they search for Snake Omega, Twat Lobo decides to have a flashback.

In his flashback, Twat Lobo's world of Czarnia is falling down around him as the citizens go crazy. Twat Lobo and the princess are the only ones not infected yet so Twat Lobo says not to touch anybody since they don't know how the sickness spreads. He then immediately sticks his fingers into the eyes of an attacker. I bet he rubs his face with that hand before washing it!

Back in the present, the team-up isn't going so well.

Just suck each other's dick and get it over with.

Twat Lobo isn't able to kill Snake Omega in front of Superman because Superman has a planet sized stick up his ass. So instead, Twat Lobo's pals plant a bomb on Snake Omega's escape ship and he blows up later. Superman once more tells Twat Lobo to leave Earth, Twat Lobo promises to leave, Superman flies off, and Twat Lobo goes back to hunting Earth killers. That Superman! What a naive jerk!

Twat Lobo #4 Rating: No change. I liked the cover although it should have had more dicks in more mouths. And I liked the idea of using Earth as a bullet to assassinate some space giant. Especially if that space giant had been Oracle! I don't mind losing an Earth to kill that idiotic character.

Earth 2 #29

Gomorrah means anal!

Earth 2 is over. It was fun while it lasted! Tom Taylor is off the title. While he was on it, Earth 2 was just a little corner of the DC Universe where anything could happen. But now with World's End and the plan to merge Earth-2 with Earth-Main-Earth, editorial has turned its flaming eye upon this book to ensure it becomes a boring piece of predictable garbage, simple filler to occupy the space between now and DC's final plan of merged Earths. I suppose some characters are going to die, like Thomas Wayne and Superman (again!). Unless they decide to keep Thomas around so he can die just after an "emotional" meeting with his Earth-Main-Earth son. Sure, I don't know exactly what's going to happen, so I can still be surprised by events. But the spontaneity and the feeling that anything could happen in this title has gone. Plus, the events in this book are now just closer looks at things that have already played out in World's End. Barbara was crushed by a piece of the moon after which the Editor told me to read this book. But then the next World's End came out and Barbara was back fighting rioters.

I wonder if she'll survive Gomorrah?!

Oh no! Barbara Gordon is dead! Again?

I sometimes wonder what life would be like if the act of living for four decades hadn't completely eroded me into a beautifully polished piece of highly cynical marble? Could I enjoy comic books more if I'd somehow managed to keep a sense of wonder and innocence, cultivated my naivete so that I would gasp in wide-eyed wonder at every new observance? How does one navigate the world without the pinpoint accuracy of a highly honed GPS of cynicism?! I suppose if I didn't care about the truth of things (or, at best, the observational truth of the reality that can be experienced by our limited human senses), I might be going around exclaiming that everything is miraculous, crying over the way butter melts on toast, embracing strange children on the street because I'm so overwhelmed by their beauty and innocence, complimenting women on the shape of their calves with no ulterior motive that involves penis to vagina contact (or, if she's up for it, penis to anus contact). Even in my suppositions of what life might be like if I were filled with childlike innocence, I'm a disgusting bore! At least I still have enough self-awareness that I tear up whenever I hear these lines by the Indigo Girls:

We're sculpted from youth,
but the chipping away makes me weary.

I'm so tired. So very, very tired. And I'm a horrible sculptor!

This issue is called "Flagitious" because Marguerite Bennett is showing off her vocabulary again. I think F.L.A.G.I.T.I.O.U.S is the Earth-2 version of GLAAD, or LGBTet.al. I'd take a guess at what it means but who knows what kind of genders or sexual identities exist on Earth-2! Also, who cares? The fact that they're all still Twofers makes them less important than Main Earthers!

I hope that doesn't come off as universalist! I mean, it is, but I hope it doesn't come across that way! I don't want people to know that I hate all people from other universes for no rational reason.

The moon fell on her and she "might" have a concussion. Batgirl is a tough cookie! Dammit. Now I want a cookie.

Is calling a woman a "cookie" sexist? I don't care if it is! Throw the word "problematic" at me all day long and it will just make me build my trench deeper! I'll call all women cookies all the time! I'll even call all men cookies too just to rub it in your problematic faces! COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE!

Fuck. Now I want all the cookies.

I guess the woman that just helped Babs out of the crater is Earth-2 Harlequin. She's going to be severely disappointed when she finds out that Alan Scott is gay. Except she's probably gay! Or whatever the "U" stands for in FLAGITIOUS.

Or, judging by this next panel, the Earth-2 version of Harley Quinn. That was my first guess but my fingers, knowing I was writing about Earth-2, wound up typing "Harlequin." Stupid fingers. You're all fired!

Have I been using knives wrong my entire life? I've never reloaded one once!

Instead of driving around six or seven guys huddled around a flaming trash can, Lottie Quinn stops to beat the shit out of some of them with her hammer. After satisfying her bloodlust, she packs up her hammer and drives on. I think she might be crazy!

Lottie Quinn takes Dick and Babs to her home on the pier, Gomorrah. So that's why Chicago was nearly destroyed by flaming meteorites! This is probably where I should say people who don't know history are doomed to repeat it except The Bible isn't history, no matter how loudly you tell me it is.

Dick and Babs begin getting the tour of the place when...SURPRISE!...Lottie Quinn turns on them! Earth-2's version of the Tweedles are muscular bastards that love punching journalists in the back of the head. I love them! Once Dick is knocked out, Lottie Quinn tries to throw Little Johnny out of Gomorrah because when creating a society based on anal and oral sex, you don't want to invite God's wrath by allowing children to join. I think that's what the first Sodom and Gomorrah got wrong. Too many people wanted to fuck Lot's kids and God was all, "Hell no! That's crossing the line!" And then before he cut off his Heaven-to-Earth communicator, he was heard to mumble, "Ugh. These eggs are bland. Now where's the salt? Where's the motherfucking salt?"

Time for the nightly fucking of the parademon!

Dick notes the Revelations level of crazy going on in the camp and Narration Boxes that he's never been the religious type. He follows up with "But now, with the world getting more insane by the day, the minute, the second--it was getting hard to stay agnostic." What? Why? How is the destruction of the world by an alien monster some kind of stamp of approval on religion? Since all things end, starting a religion which didn't predict the future end of the world would be crazy.

And that whole "agnostic" thing. It's such a fucking cop-out. Agnostics aren't smarter or more open-minded than atheists. They might be intellectually or spiritually lazier than atheists (the former) and the religious (the latter) because they've obviously not done enough thinking or praying on the matter. I think agnostics actually believe one way or the other except they just don't want to be associated with the side with which they theoretically agree. Something about the absolute certainty of either side rubs them the wrong way, so they refuse to commit. At least having agnostics around gives atheists and the religious something to agree on! Both sides see agnostics walking around shrugging their shoulders and think, "Spineless cowards!"

Of course I didn't mean any of that about my agnostic readers! You guys are cool! Or not cool. How can I know?!

The twins drag out Barbara to throw her in the cage with the parademon. Lucky! It's her first night in camp and she gets to fuck the parademon! Except it escapes when the cage is open and begins tearing heads off of the Gomorrahans. Dick and Babs get away on Lottie Quinn's motorcycle and zoom off to World's End #9 where Babs gets shot while Constantine watches.

Earth 2 #29 Rating: -1 Ranking. What the fuck was up with the glowing hand on the cover?! One of the things I'm sick of, DC Comics, is how you kill your own titles when you inextricably link them to some other ongoing story arc. Remember how Superboy never had his own actual story in his comic book because he was always involved in the plots in other books? Remember how Justice League of America became "The Fantasy Life of Stargirl and Martian Manhunter" during Forever Evil? More issues of that comic were spent on that nonsense than there were issues involving the entire team. And now Earth 2 has become the comic book that doesn't have anything to do, so now it's simply a vehicle for side stories from World's End. Whatever! I used to really enjoy this comic book. Stupid Darkseid! He ruined everything!

Twat Lobo #2

This cover says, "Are you ready to be bored by whatever is going on here? A barbecuing accident, maybe? I don't know. Whatever."

Last issue, Twat Lobo killed the first of eight demolition specialists that have been paid a good deal of money to destroy Florida. I guess it's one of those "whoever destroys it first gets the money" kind of contracts. You know, the kind assassins and mercenaries love to take on so much because they have so much time to waste trying to complete a job that they might never get paid for. In this issue, Twat Lobo will probably kill one more of his targets. It might prove to be a little challenging in the first third of the book but then he'll pull it off in the end and cut off somebody's head while saying, "Sorry. Not sorry." Then I'll put the comic book down, go into the bathroom, vomit up my dinner, take off all of my clothes, sit in the shower, and cry for three hours.

How are they supposed to look Florida in the eye before destroying it? Of course they're using technology to do the job! What kind of demolition specialist punches a structure into rubble?

I'm pretty good at deciphering texts when they're simple substitutions. But this one where every letter is a skull and crossbones could prove impossible. I'm going to try anyway!

Grunt Brother #1: "You are loving a cow!"
Grunt Brother #2: "Who fucked a sheep?"
Grunt Brother #3: "Bovine!"
Grunt Brother #2: "Bessie!"
Grunt Brother #1: "Eww..."
Grunt Brother #2: "Who?"

Before Twat Lobo kills the next three of his targets (although I'm assuming they only count as one and his contact lied about his contract), he does admit that these guys would have a hard time looking Florida in the eye. Florida the state! Not Florida Evans the strong yet loving mother of three.

Just count these guys as three of the eight! The contract was for eight kills. Twat Lobo is going to get a reputation for being a chump. I hope.

I have absolutely no feelings for this character. It's just a pale imitation of one of DC's preboot characters. He's fucking annoying. And everybody that is attracted to him can jump in front of three buses. You're ruining comic books by supporting this bullshit.

Twat Lobo climbs out of the ancient cave with thousand year old drawings by an alien race on the walls and exits through a portable toilet. Because that's exactly how those things work! They're just big plastic rectangles positioned over deep holes cut down into the earth. He takes the world destroying device with him and heads back to his stupid looking circle cycle. That's where he finds three new characters that insist they're going to be his partners.

If I were Cullen Bunn and I were given this assignment, I would want to shoot myself in the face every time I used that phrase.

Twat Lobo's new partners are Rave, Luna, and Emily. They're sure to become the next big hits in the world of comic book fandoms! But first they need more fleshed out personalities than bald mustache guy, cowboy hat wearing bad ass, and short person. Oh, who am I kidding? This is a comic book! Those are perfectly acceptable personalities.

Twat Lobo has a flashback which shows him as a lover and a protector and an all around perfect twat. We hates him.

Twat Lobo and his new team kill the third target in Shanghai. He's a robot that enjoys wearing human skin. Now that's a great personality! Too bad he's dead now. He was the best character in the book so far. His plan to destroy Florida was to cause a zombie apocalypse. Which he started before Twat Lobo could kill him. So now this book just got super exciting because it's zipping right down the zeitgeist freeway! Zombies! That has to be an exciting comic book seller, right? Look at how well The Walking Dead is doing and that's totally all about zombies! Twat Lobo is going to make DC scads of cash!

I bet Cullen Bunn's script just read: "Page 17: Lobo battles zombies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Another thing Twat Lobo does that is getting increasingly more annoying: he keeps mentioning The Code. Nice easy parameters for Cullen Bunn to build the motivations behind the character.

Nerdgasm.com: "Tell us about Lobo, Mr. Bunn."
Cullen Bun: "He's a bad ass that can kill anything but he has his limits!"
Nerdgasm.com: "What are those limits?"
Cullen Bunn: "Well, they're parts of The Code!"
Nerdgasm.com: "What's the code?"
Cullen Bunn: "You'll find out as the comic book progresses! Whenever I need to limit Lobo or set up a situation to challenge him, I'll think up new parts of The Code!"
Nerdgasm.com: "So you don't believe in writing a fully realized character then? Just a version of the real Lobo that takes direction from a set of rules you make up on the fly to direct the plot?"
Cullen Bunn: "Fuck you! Your stupid ass website is name Nerdgasm! Assholes."

Twat Lobo and his new partners defeat the zombies. Afterward, Twat Lobo doesn't kill his new partners. I can't wait until Rave, Luna, and Emily become Heroclix. They're going to be so popular! Emily even said, "Taste hot, melty death!" That's like a totally whimsical thing a teenager would say, right? And Luna said, "My bad!" Ha ha! Who says that for real, right? "My bad!" Such a hoot! And did you see Rave's handlebar mustache?! Ah ha ha! What a cut up!

Twat Lobo #2 Rating: No change. It wasn't bad enough to lower its rank. But I'm not enjoying it at all either. This is the worst fucking character since Vibe.