Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Teen Titans #25

Wait wait! Let me guess! He spilled a Junior Chemist Chemistry Set on himself just as he received a static shock while kissing his cousin.

Even my commentaries couldn't help me remember where Kid Flash and Solstice were before they suddenly found themselves in front of a bunch of armed soldiers at the beginning of this issue. Turns out that they were last seen with the other Titans as Raven got her hooks into their claws. But I guess Raven fucked up after that because the other Titans wound up in 2033 getting a glimpse of Scott Lobdell's New X-Teen Titan-Men. Which means Kid Flash and Solstice must have flip-flopped into his future trial that the Next Month Blurb has been promising for months now. I was going to say years but that kind of hyperbole just weakens your position and makes it seem like the truth isn't strong enough to stand on its own. And I wouldn't want anybody to think I'm exaggerating when I say that Scott Lobdell makes a lot of money writing really terrible comic books.

I bet Scott Lobdell is a really fun guy. Boy, if I ever got the chance to hang out with him, my entire blogging career would be ruined since it's solely based on bashing Lobdell. I should probably come up with a second gimmick! Maybe I should start cyber-stalking Scott Snyder.

The armed people are rebels that Kid Flash (Bar Tor) once led. But he seemingly betrayed them, was placed in the Witness Protection Program where they wipe your memory and shoot you off into the past to have sex with one of your own great grandparents. While he was gone, he left a man named Rain in charge. This guy believes Bart is a traitor but Bart believes Rain is a traitor and his men are ingrates. So they probably should all sit down and sort this crap out.

I just ate a whole bag of Sour Patch Kids Extreme and now my stomach hurts.

Across the planet (which planet? I don't fucking know! I don't even know what year it is! Or why Johnny Quick was able to send them through space as well as time! Somebody should get him working with NASA!), the rest of the Teen Titans show up so they can be in the back of the courtroom when Kid Flash is pronounced guilty and begin yelling "NO!" and rending their garments and pulling out their hair.

No, it was revealed in Teen Titans Annual #2 that Kon didn't make it because this is Jon! Oh wait. I see what you meant. "Didn't make it" as in "got fucking dead and shit." Way to spoil Superman #25, you asshats.

Okay, I admit it. That bit about Superboy had already been spoiled for me. By Scott Lobdell himself! I get it, Mr. Lobdell. You want to make sure you sell as many The Death of Superboy issues as possible for that fat royalty check, so you blab it all over the internet to make sure everyone reserves a copy. You don't want to lose out on the extra bread (Bread, by the way, is rhyming slang! Bread and Honey = Money!) that Grant Morrison lost surprising all the comic book stores with Robin's demise! Of course, they all ordered more copies anyway once everybody rushed in to get yet another dead sidekick book for their collections.

I think this is a good time for the obligatory comment about how fucking stupid Raven's costume is.

Then Tim Drake begins playing Wheel of Fortune with his sentences.

It's a Before and After Puzzle! Even throwing in an extra period doesn't make this shit work. "No one wants to get back more than me but that's not going to happen. If we push her too far, Cassie, we're never going to get back to Earth." Or: "No one wants to get back more than me but that's not going to happen if we push her too far, Cassie. We're never going to get back to Earth." Red Robin, your mind got rattled during your time flip-flopping.

Raven's mind is addled too.

Would it? Why does being on Earth matter? Your father isn't bound to it.

The Titans notice Solstice's energy signature on the horizon and rush off to help. While the reader was distracted by the other Teen Titans, Kid Flash cleared his throat of the Air Epoxy that was slowly choking him. He did it by "compensating." That's all the explanation you fucking need, assholes. You expect Scott Lobdell to hold your hand while you read his book?

Some military people show up to take Kid Flash into custody for mysterious reasons that everybody keeps sort of mentioning to build the tension until we can find out what Kid Flash did that has made the rebels and the rulers hate him so much! One of the soldiers wants to kill him but the lead soldier has orders to bring him in alive so she kills the soldier instead. Really? That seems pretty fucking appropriate. That's why it's important to follow orders, kids! Don't join the military if you think you're going to act upon your own conscious!

Kid Flash is strapped to a Holoprog machine which lets everybody see his memories. I don't know why these soldiers sent him back in time if they now need to see his memories. I'm sure it all makes sense if you actually care about this comic book. So anyway, we get to see one memory of Kid Flash in a green outfit with blood all over him kneeling atop a pile of skulls. Off somewhere else in the complex, Jon-el is choking the shit out of Wonder Girl. And then the Trial of Kid Flash doesn't begin because it's going to begin next month. Yeah, I bet.

Teen Titans #25 Rating: No change. Does anybody actually care about Kid Flash's origin story anymore? Each month, I suppose Scott Lobdell figured, "I'll think up something good before this month is over!" And then Tyler Kirkham starts bugging him for pages while Lobdell still hasn't thought up a good Trial of Kid Flash story, so Lobdell vamps and starts sending Kirkham yet another script that has nothing to do with Kid Flash. This is why writers need to plan stories instead of waiting for the stories to surprise the writers, Mr. Lobdell. Get your fucking act together and stop writing scripts in the same way that everybody writes college term papers: at the last fucking second.

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