Supergirl #26

Why the fuck did Twat Lobo have to come and ruin this comic book?!

I was so upset by the filth and bilge and other words meaning filth and bilge during my last commentary that I forgot to end with a shot of Supergirl's Bum! I can't remember the last time I forgot to do that! Fuck you, Scott Lobdell! Keep your filthy fingers out of my Supergirl!

Oh, while I'm fantasizing speaking with Scott Lobdell, I should ask him one more question! Why haven't you Tweeted since you were exposed as a horny horned-person that can't stop talking about the vagina of the woman sitting next to you to the woman sitting next to you on a public panel? Are you going to delete yet another Twitter Account?! I MISS YOU!

So, Supergirl! It's almost a new year! What are you going to do with it?! My guess is first you're going to visit a Luffa Farm and pick the biggest, sturdiest Luffa Fruit from the most glorious Luffa Tree of them all. You'll take it down (I'm assuming Luffa's come right off the tree ready to go to work!), soak it in a vat of Hydrochloric Acid (you'll probably want a hardy acid but not one that's too strong! Use one they actually let Junior High School kids work with!), and take a nice, long shower, scrubbing the taint of The Return of Krypton from your beautiful, Mahmud Asrar-drawn booty. After your done, you'll probably get out of the shower, towel off, look in the mirror, and, hopefully, be greeted by your beautiful, lithe, supple Yildiray Cinar body! If I remember correctly, he drew a pretty fucking hot Swamp Thing. So fingers crossed!

My "friend" Doom Bunny wanted to make sure that I credit him for coming up with "Twat Lobo." First off, if that's true, it's not exactly the Theory of Relativity. I suppose if I were also a parent living in a suburban wasteland who puts up Christmas-themed inflatables in my yard during the holidays, I'd be pretty fucking proud of every tiny pseudo-creative accomplishment I could grasp. I asked my lawyers what I should do and they responded with "Ergo Cognitor Sum blah blah blah fuck you." I don't speak legalese but I'm not sure I like the tone of that response. Whatever. Fine. Doom Bunny came up with the term "Twat Lobo." Congratulations! Good job! You're a fucking genius, Robot-Man! Not to be confused with Cliff Steele, Robotman. Oh man. Hey lawyers? Do I have to worry about DC suing me?

Oh shit. I forgot that Twat Lobo's catchphrase was the rallying cry of every young, racist narcissist on Twitter: "Sorry not sorry." But Tony Bedard is writing Twat Lobo as opposed to Marguerite Bennett, so maybe that won't carry over. Please don't let that carry over. Please.

The issue begins in Bangkok. Hee hee. I bet nobody in any American High School ever learns anything about the history of Bangkok because what teacher is going to continually try to say the name of that place multiple times in one class period? It would start a riot!

Silly Twat Lobo. I want a bowl of Trix.

Twat Lobo is a bit upset with his employer (whose name is either Rhialla or Sugar) because she gave him that old intelligence. That sounds like a Frank Sinatra song. "That Old Intelligence." No wait. Maybe I meant an Art Garfunkel song. Which one is the guy that paints happy trees on PBS? Oh! Bob Ross! That's what I meant. It sounds like a Bob Ross song. Twat Lobo would really, really, really (hmm, maybe not that much forget that last "really") like to kill her but she has a contract that forbids him from killing his employer and you know Twat Lobo, right kids?! He always honors a contract!

I wonder how many brainstorming sessions DC had to come up with Twat Lobo's look? If Twat Lobo is supposed to look tough, it really makes me wonder about DC's image of kids today. Is Twat Lobo the type of person they'd avoid when walking down a dark alley? Because Old Lobo was! But if I passed Twat Lobo while walking down a dark alley (you know, like I do all of the time while engaging in perfectly legal activities (well, legal in most of the non-southern states)), I'd probably think, "I wonder what venue that guy is playing tonight?" or I'd say, "You've got a little blue something on your face. Right there. No, there. Here. There. Yeah, almost. No, over more. That's it!"

Twat Lobo is having difficulty finding The Real Deal Lobo because The Real Deal Lobo has either been transported to the Maroon Timeline or been killed by Deathstroke. I think the Maroon Timeline is the least ridiculous possibility because that timeline is more real in The New 52 than any story written by Rob Liefeld.

Twat Lobo's employer is going to send him to a new source that she's worked with before: a human that isn't entirely human anymore! And that person is...(umm, probably)...

Doctor Nakamura! I mean, Doctor Hansen! No, no! It's Doctor Truth, The Everything Scientist!

It looks like Dr. Veritas's lab is so hard to get to (being in the center of the Earth) that other Earth scientists can only visit by sending their consciousnesses down into clones of Dr. Veritas. Maybe she just steals their minds, leaving a Charlie-like replacement on the surface, desperately trying to solve mazes before a rat does.

Supergirl tells Dr. Veritas what has happened to her recently. It's like a great, awful but needed purge of everything horrible that has sat in her bowels for a week needing to be expelled. She gives an account of her H'el on Earth time and her Krypton Returns adventure in one big double-page splash that will, hopefully, be the last we ever hear about that bullshit. There, there, Supergirl. It's over now. Scott Lobdell can't hurt you now.

Twat Lobo treats his source like shit so she rats him out to Dr. Veritas. Veritas mentions to Supergirl that Twat Lobo is a Czarnian, a nearly extinct race. Hey! Remember when Liefeld had the Thanagarians battling the Czarnians! Ha ha. He and his editors were stupid jerks! That's like DC History 101! Unless I'm wrong somehow and there was probably some kind of explanation that explained it all. But that's so improbable as to be nearly impossible! Me? Wrong? Pshaw!

Wait a second! Rhialla said Twat Lobo is coming for you, Shay! Why are you automatically assuming Supergirl is going to protect you? You just got done basically telling her you aren't even her friend!

When Twat Lobo meets Supergirl, he Narration Boxes, "Well, frag me runnin'...." So Twat Lobo still says "Frag!" I think Bennett was really trying to get away from all his old-school slang terms but it looks like Bedard just can't help himself. At least he hasn't been sorry not sorry yet!

Whoops. I spoke too fucking soon. Sorry. Totally sorry.

Stupid Twat Lobo and his sorry not sorry bullshit! I had the perfect caption for that panel before I had to mention that I spoke too soon! It was brilliant! Utter genius! And then I couldn't use it. But I'll tell it to you now because it's comedy gold! Here it is! Ready? "You're a Zerellian Razor-ape!"

Oh, I forgot to mention that, once again, Supergirl decides not to punch somebody in the face when she meets them! This is the second time in her life she's decided to forgo immediate violence and, once again, it's finally one of those times she should have come out punching. She's not very good with first impressions. But she changes her tune pretty quickly and breaks Twat Lobo's skinny neck with her next punch.

You would think that if Dr. Veritas cared about Kara at all, the first thing she would have told her was to be careful because a Czarnian's best, hottest, tightest, boner-inducing feature is their regenerative abilities.

Yay! Jennifer Lopez guest stars next issue! Speaking of which, am I the only person in the world that actually liked Jersey Girl?

Supergirl #26 Rating: +2 Ranking because Supergirl is the cutest thing ever and she just broke Twat Lobo's neck. I know it won't take but it was still an enjoyable moment. Also when Kara punched him super hard, a bit of blood shot out of his mouth. I wonder if Twat Lobo still has his power to make another Twat Lobo from every drop of his twat blood? That would be the besterest!

This was the only shot of her bum in the whole issue! And it might just be her shadow's bum! Sure, there were some nice side butt shots featuring one well-muscled cheek but it felt like cheating using one of those.

Supergirl #24

Now that Supergirl's flesh has been used to give Cyborg Superman his identity back, do I have to end this commentary with a shot of Cyborg Superman's ass? It might be sexy but I have a feeling it won't be adorable.

I have a confession to make. Actually, it's not much of a confession since all of my philosophy is malleable depending on the situation, being that I'm a Situational Individualist. So when I say I never high-five people, that's generally true. But I did high-five somebody in Las Vegas two weeks ago.

I was on Fremont Street with a bunch of old friends (and a few new ones) when the ceiling light show shit began with Queen. We were singing and walking and grooving along when We Are the Champions ended and it switched to the Monster Mash. At that point, I began dancing with my buddy Brent. At first I was doing the Molly Ringwald but then I began dancing like a Werewolf and then like a Vampire and then like a Mummy. If I'd put a hat down, I probably would have made a few bucks. Eventually Brent decided to dance like a charging bull and plowed into me and we laughed and stopped and continued on to the next casino. As we were entering the casino, some guy standing by the door yelled, "Hey! It's the dancing guy! That was awesome!" and he proffered the up top high-five. So what? I'm going to leave a stranger who appreciated the majesty of my Monster Mashing hanging? Fuck no!

Plus I was kind of drunk. And you know the kinds of stupid, embarrassing things people do when they're drunk! I am not ashamed. He also may have been five years old and who am I to deny a five year old a high five? Yeah, he was tall for one so young but what do I know about children?

So now you know. Anything I say on this blog is not set in stone, depending on the situation and depending on the people involved in the situation. Nobody should be ensconced in any foundational philosophy that doesn't allow room for mercy and understanding. First and foremost, we are all individuals. We should all understand and respect that. Except in situations when the individual's name is Scott Lobdell. Fuck him!

So Supergirl! She's cute, right? Let's read about her! If she's still alive somehow after melting away into nothing.

Just like I confusingly predicted last commentary: Supergirl's shoved her chocolate deep into I'noxia's peanut butter!

Brainiac has arrived to give Supergirl a K-Pap Smear. But Cyborg Superman (who is no longer Cyborg Superman but Zor-el, Supergirl's father) doesn't want Brainiac anywhere near his daughter's dainty parts, no matter how scientific and unsexy Brainiac's motivations might be. He convinces his lab assistant, Delacore, to put everything I'noxia has into repelling Brainiac while Zor-el figures out a way to save everyone and restore Kara's adorable little bum. Delacore agrees because with a name like Delacore, he certainly isn't going to win a fist-fight, even if it is with a naked, traumatized man of science composed of his daughter's supple flesh.

"And a truth that you must keep me from learning no matter how much I beg and plead and say, 'But why wouldn't I want to know? I want to know now so I should know! I was stupid not to want me to know!' Because once I learn the truth again, I'll wind up saying, 'I never should have known!'"

While Brainiac attacks I'noxia topside, Kara attacks from deep within its bowels. She's going to herniate the fuck out of this place unless she gets her body back pronto! That should have whoever is in charge worried. I don't know who is in charge. I guess Zor-el although he's kind of fucked up everything so far!

Supergirl wants to kill Cyborg Superman for taking her body. That's understandable. But little does she know she's suffering from Daddy Issues! Ha ha! Your daddy took away your body and your innocence and just left a pile of raging atoms! Why isn't that as funny as I want it to be? Why did that statement hurt my heart so much?! DADDY!

"Delacore?! Do we really have time for the Heroin Fueled Sex Contraption?! Oh what am I saying? There's always time for the Heroin Fueled Sex Contraption!"

Delacore reverses the operations and Zor-el once again becomes the amnesiac, Cyborg Superman. And Supergirl's body is restored in its full, naked, nipply glory! I'm assuming that Kryptonian females have nipples. I'm fairly certain Kryptonian children are reared by machines and clones and vats full of artificial amniotic fluids! It's a good thing Superman was nourished by the sun when he came to Earth since Ma Kent's cow milk and corn fritters couldn't actually be digested by the boy.

While Supergirl stupidly gets dressed, Cyborg Superman and Brainiac trade wicked barbs like "You're not super at all!" and "You're dumb!" It's all very 3rd Grade Recess which makes it perfect for my level of understanding. I'm totally getting that they don't like each other at all! I appreciate when comic books don't go the subtle route.

Delacore and the rest of I'noxia turn into a silver sphere, convince Supergirl to flee while Brainiac and Cyborg Superman are playing tetherball, and say their goodbyes to Supergirl.

I'm actually looking forward to Delacore's future return! I don't say that often about characters!

Supergirl flees I'noxia and runs straight into the worst final page of a comic book ever! She runs into Oracle, Scott Lobdell's stupid fucking nonsense omnipotent thing that isn't actually omnipotent and doesn't actually do anything at all. But I suppose he's here to suck Kara into the worst crossover since H'el on Earth: THE RETURN OF KRYPTON!!!!! Did I give it enough exclamation points?

Supergirl #24 Rating: +10 Ranking. I have enjoyed this comic book since it started even if it was a bit decompressed for my tastes during its first year. But it's been languishing beneath a bunch of titles that I only occasionally enjoy and I think it's time for Supergirl to get a nice boost, preferably by my hands and preferably by her bottom. I also sense her comic might not fare too well during Issue #25 since it will be tied directly to Scott Lobdell's awesomest story ever told by either Marvel or DC!

Supergirl #20

Power Girl was so upset her boobs weren't the focal point of last issue's cover, she killed Supergirl to claim focal boobage. Perhaps it was meant to distract people from noticing Michael Alan Nelson's name was spelled wrong.

This is the third issue in a row to have a different writer. That can't bode well for the comic, can it? Perhaps the editors are simply telling the writers what they need to write which is why the writers aren't hanging around because who needs a stupid editor telling you what to write when they're job title is "editor" and not "writer"? Editors are jerks! They're just Fuddyduddies that rain on parades and refer to 'artistic expression' as 'grammar errors.'

Last issue, the Fortress of Sanctuary decided that either Kara or Karen was a clone and thus it had to destroy them both. Better safe than allowing a disgusting, nasty clone to live so it can steal a normal Kryptonian's job. According to the cover, boobs. I mean, Kara is going to be killed! So then will Power Girl take over as the new Supergirl? That's probably exactly what's going to happen.

My initial reaction to the first page was "Love Mahmud's art!" Then I thought, "Sanctuary is an annoying bitch." But by the end of the page, I was totally, "I think I like Sanctuary!"

While Kara and Kara engage in some truly adorable conversation regarding age, uniforms, and manners, Sanctuary decides to scan them to determine which one of them is a clone.

Oh my god! Mahmud Asrar is going to kill me with Kara's adorableness!

While Sanctuary tries to convince Kara to throw herself into the matter reduction room, Supergirl tries to puzzle out why she might be giving off clone vibes. She probably caught something from kissing that nuisance H'el. He had clone smell all over him since he made no sense as a Kryptonian. Although even if he were a clone, that doesn't explain his super set of powers either.

Supergirl argues with Power Girl because she's not sure she can trust her anymore. Something happened to give her Clone Face and if it wasn't Power Girl, who could it have been? Oh, I don't know. Maybe H'el. Maybe Stupid Lava Girl. Maybe Superman. Maybe Lex Luthor. Maybe Simon the Butler Statue. There are a lot of possibilities! The arguing takes long enough that Sanctuary finally decides to stop politely asking Kara to die and sends in the death robots. It also kicks Power Girl out of the front door and into the bottom of the ocean.

Even Sanctuary was taken in by his cleanly shaved upper pubic area.

Something is obviously wrong with Sanctuary. Perhaps it picked up a virus from Simon the Butler Statue. Or maybe it has Space Deep Sea Madness. Didn't somebody in that novel The Sphere get deep sea madness? That means it's a real thing, right? Perhaps it's simply that The Fortress of Sanctuary is controlled by a Brainiac AI and everybody knows that Brainiac AIs are complete assholes. That's why the name is a combination of BRAIN and MANIAC.

Supergirl has Power Girl freeze the Fortress of Sanctuary with her Super Cold Breath and then Supergirl does a silent FWAAASH of incredibly hot power to shatter the building. I can't believe Supergirl would destroy her Fortress of Sanctuary just to stay alive. And what's going to happen to Simon the Butler Statue?! I bet he gets free because of this.

After the destruction, Supergirl and Power Girl wind up in space to watch the sun rise. Or set. And then The Fortress of Sanctuary's Brainiac AI reforms on the ocean floor to politely hunt down Supergirl once more. I think Michael Alan Nelson didn't pay close enough attention to this series to realize he just destroyed Simon the Evil Butler Statue.

Supergirl #20 Rating: +1 Ranking. I enjoyed this comic book mostly for Power Girl and Supergirl's conversation with each other. The Fortress of Sanctuary's demented Brainiac AI going Full HAL was reasonably entertaining as well. My guess is that it didn't much matter whether Kara had Clone Taint on her or not. The Brainiac AI just went nuts and decided it preferred the older, more physically endowed Supergirl. But now that the Fortress of Sanctuary has been destroyed, I guess Kara will be crashing with Kal-el. I'd suggest she crash with Karen Starr but I think her island has been destroyed by Desaad so Karen's going to need a place to crash too! I think Huntress probably has a studio apartment in Gotham they can share.

Supergirl #19

Power Girl is angry that the focal point of this cover is Supergirl's crotch instead of Power Girl's boobs. Even with her old costume on!

The first thing I did after checking out the not very surprising cover because it's just following the previous issue's story arc was look up the inside credits for the comic book to make sure DC wasn't lying to me for the second month in a row. Thankfully, Mike Johnson and Mahmud Asrar really are back on the comic book! That means we can all look forward to a cute little picture of Supergirl's bum at the end of this commentary. Go ahead. You can scroll down and take a peak before continuing. I won't continue without you.

Now that that is taken care of, let's see how much of last month's issue Mike Johnson ignores. I bet Stupid Lava Girl doesn't make another appearance any time soon because she's stupid. It does look like Lex Luthor and his Legion of Villains Whose Names Begin With an "A" will be assaulting Kara. And of course Power Girl doesn't want anybody else casually saying how much she looks like Supergirl, so Karen Starr needs to put Kara in the ground. For good. I think heroes from Earth 2 are allowed to kill.

At the end of last issue, Supergirl came plummeting back to Earth with Stupid Lava Girl and apparently killed herself. Although she's still Narration Boxing about her "death" as the military drags her away.

I don't remember her being green last issue. Did the colorist not get the memo?

Supergirl is rescued from the military by Power Girl because Power Girl is feeling sick and she thinks it's somehow tied to Supergirl. That makes sense if you're into comic book logic. Supergirl has been poisoned so badly by the Kryptonite that it's leaking into her doppelganger, Power Girl. They don't say a word to each other. They simply reach out and touch fingertips. And their minds melt into one confusing, super hot mess.

If they're the same person, why are they different cup sizes?

I think their differing breast sizes is the main difference between Earth Prime and Earth Two. "How would Earth be different if Kara had smaller boobs and a better ass?" BOOM! FWAAAASH! Earth 2!

The mind melding with Power Girl cures Supergirl of her Kryptonite poison but she doesn't have much time to enjoy it because the military begins firing on them. Is this Lex Luthor's military? I only ask because as soon as they've done their duty (stalling the Supowergirl by getting their asses kicked), The Overgrown Man arrives to smash Power Girl into boob jelly.

Why am I so fixated on Power Girl's boobs this commentary? I blame the cover giving me a glance at the old Boob Window. Also, I love the look on Supergirl's face in this panel.

Whoops! This guy is Appex. I apparently got the names confused in the last issue. I thought Appex was the brainier guy and this guy had yet to have a name so I dubbed him The Overgrown Man. I think I like my name better.

During the fight, Supergirl has another attack of Kryptonite Poisoning. Power Girl carries her away to Supergirl's underwater lair while Lex Luthor berates Appex for failing to learn anything about the girls. That's not fair, Lex. He did learn that they're really, really fast and impossible to follow! That's something.

Back home, The Sanctuary begins healing Supergirl and designs a new old outfit for Power Girl.

This works for me! Oh wait. That's the latest destroyed one. Anyway, the new one looks like the Preboot one. You think I'm going to scan another picture of it when you can just look at the cover again?

After Supergirl begins feeling better, Sanctuary finally flips the fuck out because there are two identical Karas and Kryptonians and Kryptonian Technology have serious issues about clones. It threatens to destroy them although that will have to wait until next issue.

Supergirl #19 Rating: +1 Ranking. I don't know what it is about this comic that I like so much. No, wait. Yes I do. It's Supergirl's bum. And maybe some other undefinable qualities. Like her boobies.

Supergirl #18

Really? Is that a thing? Is that why H'el was so strong? He was mainlining Kryptonite?

It looks like Supergirl has developed a severe case of Kryptonite poisoning from hiding the Kryptonite she used to defeat H'el in her panties. Does this cover mean that she's actually stronger due to the Kryptonite's influence? Or is this some kind of a Midwestern "it builds character" type of bullshit?

Even if Supergirl is under the influence of Kryptonite, at least she isn't caught up in a Tott Dedell storyline anymore! I have to say that H'el on Earth may have had the worst payoff of any comic book I've ever read in all my years reading comic books. How often did Scott Lobdell play up this Oracle thing only to have it play a few charades with Superman and then leave. So now Lobdell introduced two characters that were supposedly super powerful and he didn't explain either of them. Why did H'el have all the various powers he had? Why was he so much stronger than Superman? And what was this Oracle and why did it waste its fucking time traveling really, really, really slowly to Earth only to do nothing and head back home? I wonder if Scott Lobdell was surprised by how badly his story turned out. I wonder if he was disappointed with it and blamed the story as opposed to himself.

Scott Lobdell: "I waited all this time to find out what happened and it just petered out and sucked cosmic balls! Stupid story! How dare you surprise me with such a lame ending!"

Oh, I'm sorry, Supergirl! I often find myself sidetracked talking about Scott Lobdell. I wonder if he's one of those people that goes around proudly proclaiming, "Love me or hate me, at least I make you feel something!" Scott Lobdell makes me feel gassy.

And then I open the cover.

What in the nine fucking hells?!

I paid for a comic book featuring the stunningly cute Supergirl drawn by Mahmud Asrar, not Robson Rocha! I want my fucking money back, you Goddamned filthy cheating lying bitch bastards! I don't even know if I want to read this comic book now! I was in the mood to hop right back in the saddle with Mike Johnson and Mahmud Asrar (does that make me sound gay? I mean, gayer?) but instead I find myself shacked up with Frank Hannah and Robson Rocha?! Suck my cock! No, no. Not you, Frank. DC Comics!

I'm so angry I'm not even going to change the tags. Let people looking for Mahmud Asrar's Supergirl's Bum be severely disappointed when they find a Bum drawn by Robson Rocha. I don't even remember if I like Rocha's art or not! I just know I really, really liked Mahmud's look on this title and now that's over. Sad face.

Super sad face.

This issue begins with some narration from a not-quite-so-omniscient narrator.

This narrator isn't simply unreliable; he's confused.

Lex Luthor is definitely resting quietly. But that doesn't mean he isn't doing anything. See why the narrator was so confused? It was mistaking resting with being in a coma. What Lex Luthor is actually doing is having a meeting in his mind with Maxipussy (because she's an Octopus with way more than eight legs, pervert!), Appex (because that's what Luthor calls him), and The Overgrown Man (because fuck if I know what his real name). The meeting place is called his "solar-powered, techno-organic hub" and he can upload information from outside the prison. I knew this was just his vacation home.

While Lex is barely being updated by his stupid partners (who might be geniuses but compared to Luthor? Come on!), he notices that Supergirl was poisoned by Kryptonite. He finds this very interesting. He doesn't elaborate and I'm barely the 1,223,543,390th smartest person in the world, so how can I guess what the Smartererst Person in the World is thinking?! My guess is cupcakes.

To heal herself, Kara has just spent two weeks and two sets of double splash pages sitting on a satellite near the sun and absorbing as much sunlight as possible. Hey Frank, you asshole! First DC steals my money by pretending that a different creative team is writing this comic book and then you make my money worth even less by using four fucking pages to show Kara absorbing sunlight. NOW you can suck my cock.

The way Rocha draws these women, I can't tell what parts of them are clothed and which parts aren't! Am I titillated or not?! I'm as confused as the narrator!

Back inside Luthor's head, Maxipussy turns out to be somebody named Alphina. Does that make sense? Is there a reason for it? Or did Lex Luthor simply pick up a Directory of Super Villains and start picking teammates at the "A"s? They're trying to keep an eye on Supergirl but they lose her when she teleports from orbiting the sun to deep within the center of the Earth to The Block, Dr. Veritas's Omnilab.

Over at Starr Enterprises, Karen Starr and Somya are watching the news when they see some footage of Supergirl.

Geez! Calm down, Power Girl! She just said she looked like you. She didn't claim she was your long lost lesbian twin lover.

Supergirl decides she doesn't need Dr. Veritas poking around in her unmentionables to see how the Kryptonite affected them, so she storms out of The Block. Of course storming out of The Block just means she's now wandering around in the molten core of Earth. Whiles she's wandering around feeling terrific, she suddenly develops a Kryptonite-induced migraine and crashes into the lava where she meets an old friend of Superboy's.

I don't remember much about this creature because my commentary for Superboy #3 was mostly just pictures of boobs and butts.

At least the narrator and I aren't the only people confused by this woman.

"You stupid lava girl." Now that's how I like my comic book heroes to talk!

Supergirl flies straight up through the Earth with Stupid Lava Girl clinging to her. They enter space where Stupid Lava Girl loses her fire and turns human, after which they plummet to Earth and create a huge crater. Supergirl ends up unconscious and Stupid Lava Girl seeps into the ground when the military shows up to capture them. So now instead of having unwanted medical tests run on her, Supergirl is going to be experimented on by the military! So much better.

Meanwhile in her busy business meeting, Karen Starr's vagina explodes.

THRAAAAWSH is the Earth 2 equivalent of FWAAAAAASH.

Supergirl #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. I have to apologize to Frank Hannah for telling him to suck my cock. Besides the four wasted pages, the rest of the comic book was well paced. I'm a bit loopy from lack of sleep, but this issue made me feel like I was reading a comic book from when I was a kid. It seemed to hit all the right beats. It had a gang of super villains plotting. It had a super hero rejecting a doctor telling her what's good for her. It had a fight with a naked lava woman. It had Power Girl's boobs. It had somebody calling somebody else stupid. There was a sort-of-omniscient narrator.

Normally I would "end" my Supergirl commentary with Supergirl's rear "end". But I'm retiring that feature until Mahmud Asrar is allowed back on this comic book!

Supergirl #17

Why is Supergirl wearing a wig and Wonder Woman's outfit?

Seriously. That face on Wonder Woman looks just like Supergirl's face. Although the butt looks a bit bony. That butt isn't good enough to end this commentary on! So I guess that really is Wonder Woman.

Last issue, the H'el on Earth plot really didn't move forward much. It was just Supergirl battling Flash. This month, Supergirl gets to battle Wonder Woman instead of moving the H'el on Earth plot forward. I have a feeling Tom DeFalco and Scott Lobdell didn't want to share their H'el on Earth ideas with Mike Johnson so they just had him write issues where Supergirl punches people. That's par for the course for Supergirl anyway.

Anyway, this is how this issue begins (just like every issue of Supergirl, really!):

Wonder Woman: "Hello, Supergirl!"
Supergirl: *POW!*

Supergirl can't afford to believe it or not?

Meanwhile the entire world is falling apart while Batman, Flash, and Cyborg perform meaningless heroic tasks. I'm sure some philosophers would say that heroic actions in the face of the end of the world are the most meaningful of all. But those same philosophers would probably argue that if the victim of a rape didn't know they were raped, did a rape actually occur? So fuck those jerks! Batman might as well be masturbating out of the satellite's airlock.

While Supergirl and Wonder Woman are brawling, Superman and H'el are engaged in their own fisticuffs.

This shot is for the ladies and/or the homosexuals and/or people who enjoy sexualized violence.

H'el punches Superman into space because H'el has levels of power never before seen in a comic book. He could have just teleported Superman into space if he'd wanted. Or teleported space into Superman. Or unraveled Superman's DNA. But he chose to simply punch him because that's the theme of Supergirl. Punching equals solutions.

Since this is mostly about fighting fucking and stalling for Superman #17 to come out in March, let's just enjoy some battle sex images.

Whoa! Nobody has ever made Supergirl's vagina go "FWABOOOM" before! Usually it's just a mild FWAAASH! Even Supergirl's Kryptonian Sun Vibrators didn't get this kind of reaction.

But even a gigantic orgasm can't defeat Wonder Woman. She's back on her feet in no time and smashing Supergirl into the ground. But what else could be expected? Supergirl is simply a girl. Wonder Woman is all woman.

Still a little wobbly from her big O.

Kara finally stops throwing punches and looks up to see the sun expanding and sending flares out all over the place. What Superman couldn't do with words and Superboy couldn't do with force and The Flash couldn't do with speed, Wonder Woman does with love. She convinces Kara that H'el is a fucking manipulative bullshit bastard. In other words, he's just another man.

You tell him, girlfriend! Don't listen to his bullshit no more!

That bastard H'el finally ends the relationship with an ultimatum. Now that Supergirl knows the truth, she must pick between Earth and Krypton. Although I'm pretty sure she's finally decided to side with Earth. Which leaves just one more issue of H'el on Earth before Superman saves Krypton! Or something equally stupid spectacular!

Except Superman #17 didn't come out the next week! It's late! It won't be out until MARCH! You know, the only reason I figure DC keeps Scott Lobdell around is because he makes his deadlines. And yet here he is, the first writer of The New 52 to miss a deadline! Fire his ass!

Supergirl #17 Rating: No change. Just be lucky I don't drop your cute sorry ass one rank, Supergirl, for participating in this stupid crossover!

Supergirl #15

And now H'el's chest is scarred again.

H'el has nearly killed Superboy. He's beaten Superman even though Superman can lift six times the Earth's weight and fly faster than a speeding bullet and leap and shit. Supergirl has fallen for H'el's pale charms and shaved upper pubic area. So she's going to help reestablish Krypton 27 years after it blew up. Sounds like a fairly easy task!

This issue begins in a flashback as comic books are wont to do. Kara is flying around with her best friend in a flying car because Krypton apparently keeps its promises about the awesomeness of the future.

Oh what luck! Supergirl's best friend is still alive. If she survives this crash, of course.

If Kara only knew that Tali was alive and well and much, much smaller! Kal showed Kara that he has Kandor and he's trying to figure out what to do with it, so maybe Kara does know she's alive. Or maybe Kara isn't sure she even moved to Kandor before Krypton exploded. While Kara is feeling all sad and vulnerable, H'el shows up to flash his bald upper pubis.

And no scar. I'm pretty sure DC editorial came out and told everyone to remove the scar as this isn't going to be The New 52 Bizarro. But the covers never get copies of memos or are done so far in advance that they didn't bother changing it.

H'el takes Kara to the arctic to visit the Fortress of Solitude. Looks like they're going to go on a little field trip to Kandor! I don't know how time works in Kandor. Have 27 full years passed? Or is time moving slowly there to keep the exhibit fresh for Brainiac? My Doctorate in Comic Book Science says that time would actually speed up because their metabolisms would be ramped up like a bunch of Gerbils, living their full lives in just a few years. So many, many, many, many generations would have passed across the 27 years (or maybe a little more?) that Kandor has been bottled. By this time, they would have invented a ship to explore Outer Bottle and would be exploring the Fortress of Solitude and building outposts in Kal-el's medicine cabinet.

But being that comic book science is flexible, it's more important that Tali still be alive for Kara to interact with. It doesn't matter if she's remained the same age or is older, although I feel if she's lived 27 years raising a family inside the Bottle, it will be more apt to sway Kara into not messing with the past.

Meanwhile, Superman has been locked out of The Fortress because he's just a baby Kryptonian compared to whatever H'el is. H'el can benchpress something like 800 Earths compared to Superman's measly six or seven.

We need the Goddamned Batman!

Back inside the Fortress, H'el uses his powers that are in no way Kryptonian at all by zapping Kara inside the Bottled City of Kandor.

I had to take a time out from reading this comic to listen to That's Really Super, Supergirl and Brainiac's Daughter by XTC (and, technically, The Dukes of Stratosphear). Okay, back to reading Supergirl!

The people of Kandor are merely sleeping. That's a boring exhibit.

H'el can't shrink himself but he sends an astral projection of himself into the Bottle to interact with Kara. His astral image looks like a normal Kryptonian and he claims this is what he used to look like before he was turned into a scarred, pale industrial rock star from outer space. He doesn't remember how it happened but I have a feeling it was drugs and whisky.

While H'el explains that Kandor can only be saved by going back in time (okay, he doesn't explain much. He just says, "Kandor can only be saved by going back in time"), Kara is attacked by 1980s action figures called Terminauts. That was a cartoon back then, right?

I bet the one on the left is called "Tiny." And the skinny one is "Princess." And that one flying above the other two is probably "Jason."

Supergirl is blasted across Kandor, landing next to Tali. Supergirl touches her inappropriately and decides that she's going to find a way to save her best friend ever no matter what stands in her way! I think that means she's going to help H'el try to go back in time. But this also means she's going to be on the wrong side. Not because she and H'el are wrong but because Batman is going to join forces with Superman. And nobody can beat Batman. Except maybe The Joker every now and then.

With her new found commitment to Project Pretend Flashpoint Doesn't Exist, Kara defeats the Terminauts and steals the "Quantum Crystal" power source of Kandor. H'el needs the power source to fuel his time machine and Kandor doesn't need it because they're all just sleeping and besides, they'll never have been shrunk down to a microcity once Supergirl and H'el fuck with the past. Although it kind of depends on when they end up saving Krypton since Kandor is micronized by Brainiac before The Multitude show up. And Jor-el saves Krypton from destruction by the Multitude simply to have Krypton eventually blow up due to the Cult of Let's Destroy The Entire Universe Starting With Krypton. I don't know exactly how much time lies between those two events but if H'el screws up, then Krypton will be saved while Kandor is gone. The time difference on Earth was somewhere around five years between the visit by Brainiac and the visit by the Multitude. I think. It's hard to figure out where in time Action Comics is taking place especially with Vndktvx fucking with Superman across all points in his life.

Also, I guess Earth is going to be fucked by the Multitude if Krypton is saved and Superman never gets shot to Earth. Oh well. Fuck those assholes. I never liked them much anyway.

Whatever the problems changing the past will cause, Supergirl is on board! Because look at that naked upper pubic area! SWOON! FWAAAAASH!

Supergirl #15 Rating: +1 Ranking. This has been the best issue of H'el on Earth so far because the ridiculous plot about saving Krypton is only the framing of the story of a girl being seduced by a monster with a terrific body. I bet all the ugly monsters are freaking out right now. "Fucking chicks! They never go for the 'nice' monsters! Give a monster rock hard abs and amazing scars crisscrossing a FWAAASH-worthy face and they're all, 'Oh! Oh! I'll go back in time with you! I'll save any planet you want!' But a nice fat two-headed monster with oozing pustules? Not a chance. Nope. No nice ugly monsters for her. Fucking bitch."

This issue also had so many great panels to use as my "The End" picture! But I think I'm leaving you with the best of the best of this issue.