Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Supergirl #26

Why the fuck did Twat Lobo have to come and ruin this comic book?!

I was so upset by the filth and bilge and other words meaning filth and bilge during my last commentary that I forgot to end with a shot of Supergirl's Bum! I can't remember the last time I forgot to do that! Fuck you, Scott Lobdell! Keep your filthy fingers out of my Supergirl!

Oh, while I'm fantasizing speaking with Scott Lobdell, I should ask him one more question! Why haven't you Tweeted since you were exposed as a horny horned-person that can't stop talking about the vagina of the woman sitting next to you to the woman sitting next to you on a public panel? Are you going to delete yet another Twitter Account?! I MISS YOU!

So, Supergirl! It's almost a new year! What are you going to do with it?! My guess is first you're going to visit a Luffa Farm and pick the biggest, sturdiest Luffa Fruit from the most glorious Luffa Tree of them all. You'll take it down (I'm assuming Luffa's come right off the tree ready to go to work!), soak it in a vat of Hydrochloric Acid (you'll probably want a hardy acid but not one that's too strong! Use one they actually let Junior High School kids work with!), and take a nice, long shower, scrubbing the taint of The Return of Krypton from your beautiful, Mahmud Asrar-drawn booty. After your done, you'll probably get out of the shower, towel off, look in the mirror, and, hopefully, be greeted by your beautiful, lithe, supple Yildiray Cinar body! If I remember correctly, he drew a pretty fucking hot Swamp Thing. So fingers crossed!

My "friend" Doom Bunny wanted to make sure that I credit him for coming up with "Twat Lobo." First off, if that's true, it's not exactly the Theory of Relativity. I suppose if I were also a parent living in a suburban wasteland who puts up Christmas-themed inflatables in my yard during the holidays, I'd be pretty fucking proud of every tiny pseudo-creative accomplishment I could grasp. I asked my lawyers what I should do and they responded with "Ergo Cognitor Sum blah blah blah fuck you." I don't speak legalese but I'm not sure I like the tone of that response. Whatever. Fine. Doom Bunny came up with the term "Twat Lobo." Congratulations! Good job! You're a fucking genius, Robot-Man! Not to be confused with Cliff Steele, Robotman. Oh man. Hey lawyers? Do I have to worry about DC suing me?

Oh shit. I forgot that Twat Lobo's catchphrase was the rallying cry of every young, racist narcissist on Twitter: "Sorry not sorry." But Tony Bedard is writing Twat Lobo as opposed to Marguerite Bennett, so maybe that won't carry over. Please don't let that carry over. Please.

The issue begins in Bangkok. Hee hee. I bet nobody in any American High School ever learns anything about the history of Bangkok because what teacher is going to continually try to say the name of that place multiple times in one class period? It would start a riot!

Silly Twat Lobo. I want a bowl of Trix.

Twat Lobo is a bit upset with his employer (whose name is either Rhialla or Sugar) because she gave him that old intelligence. That sounds like a Frank Sinatra song. "That Old Intelligence." No wait. Maybe I meant an Art Garfunkel song. Which one is the guy that paints happy trees on PBS? Oh! Bob Ross! That's what I meant. It sounds like a Bob Ross song. Twat Lobo would really, really, really (hmm, maybe not that much forget that last "really") like to kill her but she has a contract that forbids him from killing his employer and you know Twat Lobo, right kids?! He always honors a contract!

I wonder how many brainstorming sessions DC had to come up with Twat Lobo's look? If Twat Lobo is supposed to look tough, it really makes me wonder about DC's image of kids today. Is Twat Lobo the type of person they'd avoid when walking down a dark alley? Because Old Lobo was! But if I passed Twat Lobo while walking down a dark alley (you know, like I do all of the time while engaging in perfectly legal activities (well, legal in most of the non-southern states)), I'd probably think, "I wonder what venue that guy is playing tonight?" or I'd say, "You've got a little blue something on your face. Right there. No, there. Here. There. Yeah, almost. No, over more. That's it!"

Twat Lobo is having difficulty finding The Real Deal Lobo because The Real Deal Lobo has either been transported to the Maroon Timeline or been killed by Deathstroke. I think the Maroon Timeline is the least ridiculous possibility because that timeline is more real in The New 52 than any story written by Rob Liefeld.

Twat Lobo's employer is going to send him to a new source that she's worked with before: a human that isn't entirely human anymore! And that person is...(umm, probably)...

Doctor Nakamura! I mean, Doctor Hansen! No, no! It's Doctor Truth, The Everything Scientist!

It looks like Dr. Veritas's lab is so hard to get to (being in the center of the Earth) that other Earth scientists can only visit by sending their consciousnesses down into clones of Dr. Veritas. Maybe she just steals their minds, leaving a Charlie-like replacement on the surface, desperately trying to solve mazes before a rat does.

Supergirl tells Dr. Veritas what has happened to her recently. It's like a great, awful but needed purge of everything horrible that has sat in her bowels for a week needing to be expelled. She gives an account of her H'el on Earth time and her Krypton Returns adventure in one big double-page splash that will, hopefully, be the last we ever hear about that bullshit. There, there, Supergirl. It's over now. Scott Lobdell can't hurt you now.

Twat Lobo treats his source like shit so she rats him out to Dr. Veritas. Veritas mentions to Supergirl that Twat Lobo is a Czarnian, a nearly extinct race. Hey! Remember when Liefeld had the Thanagarians battling the Czarnians! Ha ha. He and his editors were stupid jerks! That's like DC History 101! Unless I'm wrong somehow and there was probably some kind of explanation that explained it all. But that's so improbable as to be nearly impossible! Me? Wrong? Pshaw!

Wait a second! Rhialla said Twat Lobo is coming for you, Shay! Why are you automatically assuming Supergirl is going to protect you? You just got done basically telling her you aren't even her friend!

When Twat Lobo meets Supergirl, he Narration Boxes, "Well, frag me runnin'...." So Twat Lobo still says "Frag!" I think Bennett was really trying to get away from all his old-school slang terms but it looks like Bedard just can't help himself. At least he hasn't been sorry not sorry yet!

Whoops. I spoke too fucking soon. Sorry. Totally sorry.

Stupid Twat Lobo and his sorry not sorry bullshit! I had the perfect caption for that panel before I had to mention that I spoke too soon! It was brilliant! Utter genius! And then I couldn't use it. But I'll tell it to you now because it's comedy gold! Here it is! Ready? "You're a Zerellian Razor-ape!"

Oh, I forgot to mention that, once again, Supergirl decides not to punch somebody in the face when she meets them! This is the second time in her life she's decided to forgo immediate violence and, once again, it's finally one of those times she should have come out punching. She's not very good with first impressions. But she changes her tune pretty quickly and breaks Twat Lobo's skinny neck with her next punch.

You would think that if Dr. Veritas cared about Kara at all, the first thing she would have told her was to be careful because a Czarnian's best, hottest, tightest, boner-inducing feature is their regenerative abilities.

Yay! Jennifer Lopez guest stars next issue! Speaking of which, am I the only person in the world that actually liked Jersey Girl?

Supergirl #26 Rating: +2 Ranking because Supergirl is the cutest thing ever and she just broke Twat Lobo's neck. I know it won't take but it was still an enjoyable moment. Also when Kara punched him super hard, a bit of blood shot out of his mouth. I wonder if Twat Lobo still has his power to make another Twat Lobo from every drop of his twat blood? That would be the besterest!

This was the only shot of her bum in the whole issue! And it might just be her shadow's bum! Sure, there were some nice side butt shots featuring one well-muscled cheek but it felt like cheating using one of those.

No comments:

Post a Comment