Superboy #26

I remember a time when I would have been pleased to see Marv Wolfman's name on the cover of a comic book but after Trigon #1 where he rapes his way across all time and space, I have a bad feeling about this.

One issue with writing a blog like this is you get people responding to what they think are things that I said but are actually misinterpretations based on their reading my words as if I'm a fucking idiot. Not that I try to present myself as anything but a fucking idiot, so it's not really anybody's fault but my own. But I made a rule a long time ago while working on No Apologies! Press dot com around the turn of the century: do not get sucked into debates on the internet. Sometimes I allow myself a single response and then gather up all of my willpower and not respond to the inevitable response that follows. Because most conversations on the internet are mostly just two people willfully misunderstanding each other and then trying to clarify their position to the other person's willful misunderstanding while willfully misunderstanding the other person's clarification on the previous willful misunderstanding. If you understand. And besides, any time you try to clarify a point you made while rambling like a fuckhole, you only wind up sounding defensive and abrasive.

Not that I'm currently bristling with any indignation over rebeccamartin2's comments on my Constantine #9 commentary! They were mostly fair and completely understandably misunderstood since most of that commentary was the rambling, half-formed thoughts that had been in my head upon waking which I hurriedly tried to vomit forth into my blog. But as for the clarifications which I just can't restrain myself from expressing:

When I talked about an "institution full of douchebags," I did not mean DC Comics. Totally understandable how you would have thought that since it's a fair assessment of their public corporate policies regarding their treatment of characters and their seeming hatred for their fan-base. I just meant, you know, the general bad institutions that continue to make the social environment hostile to so many people. And, yes, technically I'm backing DC Comics although I think I'm providing a service to other comic book fans that is well worth the dollars I'm giving to them. Besides, I think there are some talented writers and authors that are doing some pretty good work at the company.

Yes, I like Brian Azzarello's Wonder Woman. If that version isn't Wonder Woman to you, so be it. That's fair enough. But telling me I'm crazy from disease simply because I'm enjoying a well-written story seems a bit harsh. I might expect that from Scott Lobdell, but from you, Rebecca? I'm hurt.

Lastly, I never suggested John Constantine could not be black and English. I merely wondered how many people would be up in arms if he were cast that way in a film. That one really was a willful misunderstanding, wasn't it? You just don't like me, is that it?! Well, now I'm going to be in a hurt mood while reading Superboy and take it out on Marv Wolfman!

I can't wait!

Wait a second? Who is this? Is this Superboy? Is he a living weapon created by N.O.W.H.E.R.E.? I'm confused.

Something is mindspeaking to him and calling him Jon, so that at least clarifies that this is Jon-el and not Kon-el who is lost in time and dead and stuff. So you can see how I really shouldn't have been confused at all! But the next page kind of is confusing! No hyperbole this time!

Oh Marv. You really have gone around the bend, haven't you? Just be glad I didn't scan the lower half of this picture!

Jon-el receives some psychic message about how he was previously killing super heroes but his genes were killing him and the psychic voice is the only one that can keep him alive. But first, Jon-el must kill all the monsters! All of them! I think by "monsters," the psychic voice means "Teen Titans." Jon-el becomes violent and wakes up choking Wonder Girl. That's where things had left off in Teen Titans when everybody heard Wonder Girl scream and Tim Drake said, "Oh, just ignore that."

Jon-el is confused for a second but the psychic voice (which I'm going to begin calling The Green Voice) tells Jon-el to read Cassie's mind so that he can get his bearings.

Whew! There it is! I've become so conditioned to that specific Narration Box that I was beginning to go through withdrawals.

Jon-el taps into Cassie's memory of Legion Lost #16 which is hardly firm continuity since so much time travel happens around that moment and the plot seems to suggest that Harvest is not Tim Drake. Hell, the plot of that comic book suggests Harvest is some guy named Captain Adym from the Echo Police who may or may not be a shard of the actual Captain Atom who exploded in the Speed Force or the Time Stream or something! I think Harvest should just slink right out of The New 52 Universe because he's giving me a headache.

Jon-el realizes that the Teen Titans think he's Kon-el and that he can use it against them to destroy them! And then he thinks, "Starting now!" and begins fighting Wonder Girl. What a fucking idiot! You don't come to a realization like that and then jizz in your pants immediately! You use that information to create a well-structured plan of attack!

Oh no. E.C.H.O.! That means Harvest is probably on board in his human guise and he's probably responsible for sending Kid Flash back to the past! Possibly to ensure that Tim Drake gets bitten by that vampire!

For some reason, Cassie and Jon-el have lost their eyeballs. That either means that they're being controlled by The Green Voice or they've become vampires. I wouldn't put any money on which it is because it really could go either way.

I think the other option is that the colorist was just being fucking lazy.

When Jon-el realizes he's currently too hurt and weak to stand a chance against Cassie (at least that's what he tells himself. I think she could take him even if he were at full strength), he pretends to be Kon-el and acts as if his memory has just returned. He also thinks, "It would be best to first heal, then plan and then take all the Titans down." Yeah. Just like I said, you pants-jizzer.

Jon-el passes out from genetic failure only to be awakened by the rest of the Titans in ECHO's medical lab.

I really hope The Green Voice isn't Trigon. I imagine it must be Harvest of 2933 that Lobdell wrote about in Superboy #19: Colonel Harvest! He's the one whose kid, Venn, was killed by super heroes (Kid Flash, maybe?!) so he decided to infect himself with a Chronal Virus that made him go back in time to kidnap Superman and Lois Lane's baby, Joke-el (damn, I forgot that's what I was calling Jon-el! Joke-el!), and raise him as his own. So The Green Voice must be Colonel Harvest! Although why he would somehow know so much about Jon-el and the Teen Titans doesn't make sense. I guess since he's in the future, he gets to know anything he wants about the past.

Jon-el decides to get out of bed so that he can destroy all the medical information the ECHO doctors now have on him.

Why would this guy travel all the way to Phobos to hunt? That's in our solar system and this isn't our solar system. Although I have no idea where it is. It'll probably wind up being retconned into our solar system!

Jon-el kills a doctor that has super powers and feeds off her meta-human life force. He also remembers things Harvest taught him because he was raised by Harvest in the past but in the future of DC's Now continuity. Anything associated with Harvest is pretty crappy, so I'm not really looking forward to following the adventures of Joke-el.

Jon-el accesses Kon's database and learns that he helps to form the Legion of Super-heroes. The Green Voice responds to this as if they're going to have a good time now. Maybe The Green Voice is Saturn Girl, twisted from the changes in the timeline due to Kon-el's death? Whatever the case, The Green Voice isn't revealed this issue which is lame because I don't know if I can care about it too much longer.

Superboy #26 Rating: -1 Ranking. I hated any comic book that Harvest was in and now I have to deal with Harvest's son he kidnapped from Superman and Lois? Ugh. Oh yeah! Also, Jon-el might not be simply Lois's son! While looking at his medical records, he realizes his DNA from his father is Superman but his genetic material from his mother is from a number of female meta-humans. So his parental situation is just like Freddy Krueger's! Except, you know, the opposite!

Teen Titans #25

Wait wait! Let me guess! He spilled a Junior Chemist Chemistry Set on himself just as he received a static shock while kissing his cousin.

Even my commentaries couldn't help me remember where Kid Flash and Solstice were before they suddenly found themselves in front of a bunch of armed soldiers at the beginning of this issue. Turns out that they were last seen with the other Titans as Raven got her hooks into their claws. But I guess Raven fucked up after that because the other Titans wound up in 2033 getting a glimpse of Scott Lobdell's New X-Teen Titan-Men. Which means Kid Flash and Solstice must have flip-flopped into his future trial that the Next Month Blurb has been promising for months now. I was going to say years but that kind of hyperbole just weakens your position and makes it seem like the truth isn't strong enough to stand on its own. And I wouldn't want anybody to think I'm exaggerating when I say that Scott Lobdell makes a lot of money writing really terrible comic books.

I bet Scott Lobdell is a really fun guy. Boy, if I ever got the chance to hang out with him, my entire blogging career would be ruined since it's solely based on bashing Lobdell. I should probably come up with a second gimmick! Maybe I should start cyber-stalking Scott Snyder.

The armed people are rebels that Kid Flash (Bar Tor) once led. But he seemingly betrayed them, was placed in the Witness Protection Program where they wipe your memory and shoot you off into the past to have sex with one of your own great grandparents. While he was gone, he left a man named Rain in charge. This guy believes Bart is a traitor but Bart believes Rain is a traitor and his men are ingrates. So they probably should all sit down and sort this crap out.

I just ate a whole bag of Sour Patch Kids Extreme and now my stomach hurts.

Across the planet (which planet? I don't fucking know! I don't even know what year it is! Or why Johnny Quick was able to send them through space as well as time! Somebody should get him working with NASA!), the rest of the Teen Titans show up so they can be in the back of the courtroom when Kid Flash is pronounced guilty and begin yelling "NO!" and rending their garments and pulling out their hair.

No, it was revealed in Teen Titans Annual #2 that Kon didn't make it because this is Jon! Oh wait. I see what you meant. "Didn't make it" as in "got fucking dead and shit." Way to spoil Superman #25, you asshats.

Okay, I admit it. That bit about Superboy had already been spoiled for me. By Scott Lobdell himself! I get it, Mr. Lobdell. You want to make sure you sell as many The Death of Superboy issues as possible for that fat royalty check, so you blab it all over the internet to make sure everyone reserves a copy. You don't want to lose out on the extra bread (Bread, by the way, is rhyming slang! Bread and Honey = Money!) that Grant Morrison lost surprising all the comic book stores with Robin's demise! Of course, they all ordered more copies anyway once everybody rushed in to get yet another dead sidekick book for their collections.

I think this is a good time for the obligatory comment about how fucking stupid Raven's costume is.

Then Tim Drake begins playing Wheel of Fortune with his sentences.

It's a Before and After Puzzle! Even throwing in an extra period doesn't make this shit work. "No one wants to get back more than me but that's not going to happen. If we push her too far, Cassie, we're never going to get back to Earth." Or: "No one wants to get back more than me but that's not going to happen if we push her too far, Cassie. We're never going to get back to Earth." Red Robin, your mind got rattled during your time flip-flopping.

Raven's mind is addled too.

Would it? Why does being on Earth matter? Your father isn't bound to it.

The Titans notice Solstice's energy signature on the horizon and rush off to help. While the reader was distracted by the other Teen Titans, Kid Flash cleared his throat of the Air Epoxy that was slowly choking him. He did it by "compensating." That's all the explanation you fucking need, assholes. You expect Scott Lobdell to hold your hand while you read his book?

Some military people show up to take Kid Flash into custody for mysterious reasons that everybody keeps sort of mentioning to build the tension until we can find out what Kid Flash did that has made the rebels and the rulers hate him so much! One of the soldiers wants to kill him but the lead soldier has orders to bring him in alive so she kills the soldier instead. Really? That seems pretty fucking appropriate. That's why it's important to follow orders, kids! Don't join the military if you think you're going to act upon your own conscious!

Kid Flash is strapped to a Holoprog machine which lets everybody see his memories. I don't know why these soldiers sent him back in time if they now need to see his memories. I'm sure it all makes sense if you actually care about this comic book. So anyway, we get to see one memory of Kid Flash in a green outfit with blood all over him kneeling atop a pile of skulls. Off somewhere else in the complex, Jon-el is choking the shit out of Wonder Girl. And then the Trial of Kid Flash doesn't begin because it's going to begin next month. Yeah, I bet.

Teen Titans #25 Rating: No change. Does anybody actually care about Kid Flash's origin story anymore? Each month, I suppose Scott Lobdell figured, "I'll think up something good before this month is over!" And then Tyler Kirkham starts bugging him for pages while Lobdell still hasn't thought up a good Trial of Kid Flash story, so Lobdell vamps and starts sending Kirkham yet another script that has nothing to do with Kid Flash. This is why writers need to plan stories instead of waiting for the stories to surprise the writers, Mr. Lobdell. Get your fucking act together and stop writing scripts in the same way that everybody writes college term papers: at the last fucking second.

Teen Titans Annual #2

How do you know The Teen Titans is a serious, tense, high-action drama? Seventy-five fucking percent (75*%) of all Teen Titans' covers have various members lying about unconscious.

I have been waiting all month to finally get to read Scott Lobdell's Teen Titans Annual #2! If there is one writer at DC that knows how to write a compelling Annual tale that ties in to the rest of the series but still allows new readers to jump on in the middle, it's Mr. Scott Lobdell! He makes sure to take the reader by the hand, carefully introduce every character and supply one or two key points to their character. He'll make sure to focus on only those key points during the story so as not to confuse new readers. But this doesn't leave longtime readers hanging! No, no! He'll choose important characteristics that will really delve into a new side of the character's psyche so that we always learn something new about any character highlighted in one of his stories. He's clear, concise, and creative. After all, he was a master of writing the X-men! Why shouldn't he bring all of that experience and wisdom to the pages of DC's Teen Titans? I have goosebumps! Let's dig in, shall we?!

When we last left the Teen Titans, they were caught up in the time stream hoping that Raven could figure out a way to stabilize their movements and keep them from jumping about. Mostly because they really need to get to Kid Flash's trial in the future and they're running late. Except you can't actually run late when time traveling no matter how much Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure reminds you that the clock in San Dimas is always running. So they'll get there eventually and it will be like they were there yesterday. But for now, I don't know where they are!

Apparently Superboy knows though.

Just as I guessed! Scott Lobdell treats the reader with a nice, introduction to not just one of the characters on the opening page but three! Lobdell can't be blamed for the typo, so we'll just forget that even exists rather than tarnish his sterling reputation. Being good readers, we know that we should watch out for certain things in the coming story. We should see how Superboy learns to accept his two halves. We must watch how Tim Drake steps up to prove that he can lead this group that he banded together. And we will, quite literally, learn why Cassie Sandsmark was born! I love the use of the word "literally" because it makes Cassie's character one-dimensional and easy to understand.

These three heroes have found themselves stranded twenty years in the future (relative term!). Red Robin has led them to the Batcave to access the Batcomputers so that they could find Kid Flash and Solstice. Because if you need to find somebody lost in an alternate timeline, the Batcomputer is the only computer that won't respond, "Get the fuck out!" It takes all shit seriously, bitches. Too bad the Batcave has been trashed by the time the kids arrive. Hopefully Superboy and Wonder Girl won't remember how to find the Batcave again once they get back to the DC Universe's present. That could lead to a really uncomfortable conversation between Tim Drake and Alfred Pennyworth as Bruce broods in the background casting disapproving looks at them both.

My first reaction was this: "If anybody were allowed to write the death of Batman, it should be Scott Lobdell!" And then I realized this was an alternate timeline story and my heart stopped racing and I breathed a sigh of relief and I calmed down. Whew! Good one, Mr. Lobdell!

Tim Drake's first reaction to the dead and stuffed Batman is to whisper, "Bruce?" Good thing he whispered that! You wouldn't want anybody else in the room to learn the identity of The Batman! Let's just hope Wonder Girl's Silent Armor isn't so silent that she can hear whispers! And I don't think Tactile Telekinesis helps gives Superboy super-hearing! So Tim Drake might have just dodged yet another really awkward conversation when he returns to the normal (relative term!) timeline. Superboy notices a pile of ashes on the floor and asks if Red Robin knew this guy as well. Red Robin does know him and once again whispers his name. Tim Drake is supposed to be a super genius and he's so thrown by the reality of an alternate timeline that he doesn't remember the important of secret identities? That's probably why the issue began pointing out he might not have been as ready as he thought to put together a group of super kids. But he is whispering and he's so smart, he must know that the other two don't have the appropriate super powers to hear whispers. I think Tim has a photographic memory so he probably remembers their Who's Who files better than I do.

The kids receive a message from Hologram Batman pointing out that one person is responsible for all of this destruction and then they're teleported aboard the Justice League Watchtower (II, presumably) where they meet Garfield Logan, Beast Man! Who is now green due to a Series of Unfortunate Events (relative term!). Since Gar Logan is the last member of the Justice League left standing, he introduces Tim, Kon, and Cassie to the New Teen Titans! Hey, if Keith Giffen can get a Justice League 3000 book, why can't Scott Lobdell set himself up with a Teen Titans 2033 book? And since Lobdell had so much success writing the X-men for so long, why not make the Teen Titans 2033 completely derivative of the X-men? He's got a woman named Red that looks nearly identical to Nightcrawler (except she's a she and she's red instead of blue. Superficial changes!). You've got Blur who speaks Cajun like Gambit (perhaps he's just French Canadian, but again, superficial difference!). Then you've got Stonehenge and Irony who seem to be a bit of a cute couple who call each other by their first names, making them Scott Summers and Jean Grey.

Some people might look at this doublepage spread and cynically berate Lobdell for this outright stealing of another company's characters. But I say, good for him! DC and Marvel have spent years stealing each others employees, employees that have given them the intellectual properties that have made the companies so profitable. And for years, the creators have taken their creations from one company to the next with just the thinnest of differences to avoid law suits. Scott Lobdell works best when he's writing Marvel-type X-men stories. Why shouldn't he create an X-men team for DC?!

I don't think Teen Titans 2033 is going to become a regular title. But Lobdell is introducing the team here so that he can bring them back into the DC Universe's present (relative term!) in a later run of Teen Titans. He might even be hoping to eventually replace the current cast of the comic with this cast because then everybody will have to get off his fucking back for writing Tim Drake in a way that they don't agree with. These will be all new characters free from any history that Scott Lobdell doesn't (and shouldn't have to!) give a fuck about!

Also, Rose Wilson is the mother of Red, the Nightcrawler girl. And since she's red, my guess is Beast Boy is the father.

I'm not sure Blur grasps the idea of "training exercises." Also, Gambit/Blur has Rogue's power.

Stonehenge has powers similar to Terra's so he's probably her child (which really doesn't give her much time to get knocked up back in the present (relative term!)). Blur is a bit perturbed to see Superboy's face for some reason. There's no way he should recognize him since he wasn't even born yet the last time Superboy was seen in this timeline. So he must be mistaking him for Jon-el! Which makes me realize that Jon-el is probably the guy that trashed the Batcave and killed Batman. Boy, the story has been so captivating up until this point that I almost missed that twist (even though it was right there on the cover)!

Scott Lobdell has Blur reference Gail Simone's The Movement because Scott Lobdell has a huge crush on Gail Simone. The time I met Scott Lobdell (Wow. I was completely starstruck by his fame and ability! I barely said a word to him!), he signed my Big Book of New 52 First Issues right above Gail Simone's signature, added an ampersand and then a "4 ever" underneath. So I went back to show it to Gail Simone's husband in the hopes of starting a fist fight (mostly so I could root for my hero, Scott Lobdell, to beat up Gail Simone's husband so that Gail would see that Lobdell was really the man for her and they would get together and it would all be because of me and they'd adopt me as their own child and love me forever). But Gail Simone's husband just laughed and pointed out how Lobdell basically stalked Gail for years before they became good friends. So I think Scott mentions The Movement here to try and get more readers interested in that book. Good work, Scott Lobdell! You are a true hero of the people.

Superboy decides to get some fresh air in space (good joke, Kon!) while Red Robin and Gar discuss what's going on. While he's sitting on the side of the Watchtower II, Jon-el sends him a psychic call-out. Time to settle this on the playground, bitches!

Garfield explains to Tim how this is Harvest's timeline. But he has to be careful what he says since he's talking to Tim Drake who will eventually become Harvest once he's turned into a vampire! He doesn't want to screw up the timeline by giving out the wrong information that might possibly cause a better timeline to come into existence which would cause himself to never exist. Although that seems to be just what he's doing anyway!

But what does Gar know? He's just following orders!

Good thing Red Robin has set up all of these situations where Red Robin can help save the day so that Red Robin doesn't just look like an ignoramus stumbling from one situation he doesn't understand to the other! Just because we're seeing the Red Robin that's experiencing these things the first time doesn't mean Red Robin doesn't know what he's doing! He's remembering all of this stuff so that he can manipulate all space and time to make things work out the way he wants. This timestream deal also explains Harvest's ability to plan things so precisely! Because Harvest is future Red Robin and Red Robin has a photographic memory and Red Robin has now gone through every single point in space and time and knows how everything everywhere will turn out! No wonder Harvest is such a genius!

So are any of you coming around to my side yet about Red Robin being Harvest, no matter what other comic book stories have told you?

Meanwhile Jon-el meets Kon-el and they battle inside the moon's chocolate center. Mostly they grandstand though. It's as if each one is actually a little bit afraid that they can't actually win, so instead they puff up their chests and strut around like a Bluth.

And since I'm not interested in describing blow-by-blow action, here's how it ends (with an Aquaman death bonus pic!):

Technically it hasn't ended yet. I'm guessing Superboy won't actually get to throw this final punch.

And he doesn't! He disappears because he's needed over in Action Comics Annual #2. So Jon-el gets to survive. Although even if he'd been killed, it wouldn't matter. This is an alternate timeline! What happens in Alternate Timelines, stays in Alternate Timelines! Except when the "happens" is Jon-el whom Gar and Rose take and dress up like Superboy so that Tim Drake will take him back to their own timeline. Whoops!

Teen Titans Annual #2 Rating: See, Scott Lobdell? That's what you'll get if you bribe me to pretend your writing doesn't suck! Compelling, isn't it?! Notice how I made no mention of how shitty your writing is? And how you need the crutch of time travel and alternate timelines to help seed your plots? How you can't actually build characterization, how you can't let plots form organically, how you can't write anything unless you bring in a catalyst from outside the normal timeline? I can praise all of those garbage writing habits with just a small, flat monthly fee. Please, let us not speak of dignity. We all know money talks, right? Let's form a partnership. You don't realize how trusted I am to speak the truth in the comic book review world! If I talk up the greatness of your books, more of them will sell which means more royalties for you! You can afford to spread the wealth a bit, right? Just drop me an email and we'll get the ball rolling on this deal. Talk to you soon, buddy!