A.R.G.U.S. #6

That's the weakest palindrome I've ever seen.

I think this is the only palindrome I've ever purposely come up with: "So? Got Togo's?" Although it's entirely possible that everything I've ever written up to this point in my life is one huge palindrome. Stop nerd snorting at me! I didn't say it was probable!

I'm only going on about palindromes because Superwoman is making me really uncomfortable on the cover of this comic book. She's looking me right in the eyes and daring me to masturbate to this BDSM sex orgy! But I have to decline. I only take part in BDSM&Ms orgies.

Meanwhile in the Green Room! But first, I should point out that I used meanwhile incorrectly here. But I had to segue out of that uncomfortable last paragraph somehow!

Isn't "beyond classified" where it's so classified that it comes back around to being public knowledge?

So ARGUS has been around for hundreds of years before super heroes began gracing every street corner, hunh? What did the name stand for in earlier incarnations? Agrarians Rapidly Growing Usable Soy? Anarchists Reeducating Government Uncle Sams? Asshole Redcoats Getting Upset Suddenly? Those aren't any worse than Advanced Research Group Uniting Superhumans! Which, seriously, should be ARGUSH.

The Green Man explains that ARGUS existed in the 1700s and was called the "Armed Revolutionaries Governing Under Secrecy." So a secret government manipulating the new continent from behind the scenes, hunh? And even though they were secret and couldn't tell anybody what ARGUS meant because it was a secret, they still added the "armed" in the name to threaten anybody who somehow discovered the secret! And by "anybody who somehow discovered the secret," I mean anybody in the pub on any night when any member had one too many and began bragging about how powerful he was.

Later in the 1800s, ARGUS became the "Anonymous Ranger Group of the United States." Then in the 1900s, they became the "Aeonian Recurring Guys Utilizing Secrecy." Unless they were called something different. Anyway, in the 1900s, they battled the Crimson Men who were a religious group trying to bring about the apocalypse because they were bored. But ARGUS felt that a world ending event posed a threat to the United States of America, so they fought back. Mr. Green explains that at the turn of the Millennium, The Crimson Men were routed. Hmm? What happened around that time? Oh yeah! The attack on the World Trade Centers! So that must have been The Crimson Men's hideout and the terrorist attack was a black ops mission by ARGUS! I knew there was something fishy about the the official record of that event! Now it makes so much more sense than some impotent assholes thinking that if they could fuck America in the ass, they'd score some heavenly poontang! That might sound fairly logical but you have to remember that this is a comic book and comic book logic demands the reverse of Occam's Razor. So in the comic book world of The New 52, the whole ARGUS being behind the destruction of the World Trade Centers is least plausible, therefore it's the most plausible.

Mr. Green goes on to say that ARGUS's next mission has become to stop the threat of superhumans. But since The Crime Syndicate has appeared and they're a bigger threat, ARGUS realizes that they have to actually do what their stupid fake name says: unite the superhumans. Or else it could be the end of the world and The Crison Men will win! And nobody likes to see the asshole win. So Lieutenant Candy is getting a promotion to be the Keeper of Secrets for ARGUS. But only if she can keep Steve Trevor alive. Although on that front, she may already be too late.

Oh Steve. Did Dr. Light touch you in a No-No place?

Steve Trevor is either dreaming it or he's, while unconscious, having a real visit with the witches as they steal his future potential. One of those. I guess it won't matter until September when Steve Trevor gets a Five Years in the Future book and the entire book is just blank pages. He wakes up inside an ice cube because cutting off all of his oxygen and sending him into hypothermia seemed like Killer Frost's only way to save him from Dr. Light. Seems reasonable in that Reverse Occam's Razor kind of way.

Now Steve, Dr. Light, and Killer Frost are the only people from last issue still conscious. It's a big brawl in Central Park as Light tries to kill Steve because The Crimson Men made a deal with him. And Steve tries to talk Dr. Light out of killing him because death probably sucks.

I bet Death of the Endless always gives a sly wink whenever anybody says, "Death sucks."

The worst part about the entire battle is having to hear the sophomoric banter between the combatants. In the real world, there would only be time for swearing and underpants soiling. So that makes this is a perfect comic book scene! I guess.

Aren't all of these light powers new for him?

I'm beginning to get the feeling that Steve Trevor isn't going to save anybody from any Slash Fiction Matrix this issue. I suppose he'll secure the Lasso so that he can use it in either Justice League of America or Justice League or Forever Evil. Since the whole crisis is coming to an end, I get the feeling that important things will be allowed to happen in the two Justice League titles. Or else Forever Evil #7 is going to be 72 pages long.

Using the Lasso of Truth on Doctor Light, Steve shows Arthur that he's actually dead and that he shouldn't be pretending to be alive. Doctor Light says, "Oh yeah. Hey. Weird." Then he FAKOOOMs out of the picture, leaving Frost and Trevor and a pile of unconscious animal people. They gather up their shit and head over to Forever Evil.

Meanwhile, the Green Man puts on his Crimson Men mask and leaves the Green Room to go next door to the Crimson Room. People everywhere drop their comic books in complete shock! But!? How?! What?!!? Not the good guy is revealed to be the bad guy at the very end twist? Crazy! So what is ARGUS's new name going to be? ARGUSASUGRA? Advanced Research Group Uniting Superheroes Against Superheroes United by the Group Researching Advancements?

ARGUS #6 Rating: -1 Ranking. I'll admit that this drop in ranking is mostly because I was disappointed by the ending of this mini-series that I was surprised to find I was enjoying. The reveal that the Crimson Men had taken over ARGUS? That's fine. I can live with that even if it is a bit of an old standard we've all danced to before. But the fight against Doctor Light didn't really seem needed and the repartee was below par. Also, it sucks that (and this isn't the fault of the creative team) Steve Trevor couldn't finish his mission and be the hero at the end of his own series. Everything he worked for has to take place over in Forever Evil. That's a huge let down. I need a cathartic release and this comic book didn't give it to me! What do I do now? I guess I'm going to have to go steal the neighbor kid's bike and ghost ride it in front of a bus.

A.R.G.U.S. #5

I really thought the goal of this comic book was to have Steve Trevor help the Justice League escape from Firestorm's Slash Fiction Matrix. But isn't Stargirl going to accomplish that over in Fucking Kittens Nasty Justice League of America? I don't know. Maybe they'll all team up or something. Maybe The Green will be explained. Maybe Steve Trevor will owe his first born child to the Three Witches of the Mirror. Maybe a lot of things might happen that I haven't given much thought. And since my daily ramble tank is dry, I'd better just read this stupid comic book.

Sorry, Mr. Sterling Gates! I didn't mean it's stupid in the sense that it sucks. I meant it's stupid in the sense that it's sitting here at the top of my comic book stack demanding it gets read when I have video games to play and salsa to dip chips into and eat. You know what I mean? More intellectual and demanding tasks await my attention.

Currently Steve Trevor is hunting Cheetah because he realized (with the help of a telekinetic and a barn owl) that he needs Cheetah's Lasso of Truth to save the Justice League. Don't worry about the logistics of the plan! It's a comic book! Just assume it's going to work! But it won't work smoothly! We're going to have to plow our way through a fight scene where the hero nearly loses but rises in the end to save the day! So just hang on! We'll be through this in just a moment.

Liar! The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men was full of Firestorms! If you can't make a new one, I'm sure you can find Pozhar's number on the internet.

Martin Stein goes on to say how Killer Frost probably specifically needs Jason and Ronnie's specific Firestorm Matrix Power but if I'd scanned that part, I couldn't have called him a liar. I could have but it wouldn't have stood up in court with that evidence. So instead I manipulated that evidence to make Stein look like a dick! Which he is anyway. So I feel justified.

Steve Trevor and Killer Frost head into Central Park in New York to track down Cheetah. Apparently all the super villains escaped from the Central Park Zoo because they seem to all be animal themed. At least the one they're hunting and the first one to attack them: Weasel! Ha ha. Weasel. What a jerk. He was last seen getting his ass kicked by Damian in a Batman and Robin Annual. I think. Let me check my archives!

La la la. *thumb through dusty pages* *scratch junk* *taste fingers* La la la.

"Aha! Here it is! Sort of. Whatever. I was right."

So The Weasel is lucky to be alive having faced off against Damian while Batman was on vacation. Not a lot of criminals can say they walked away from that encounter. But The Weasel, being one of Firestorm's enemies, must be used to getting his ass handed to him. Seriously. How was this guy even close to being a match for Firestorm? It's just silly!

Steve Trevor makes a "Weasel Stomping Day" joke which is a pretty nerdy reference for Steve. Does he listen to Weird Al or did he just come up with this one liner thinking it sounded funny? I once saw Weird Al in concert at the Oregon State Fair. Let's face it: the guy is a genius. If you disagree, you probably have a stick lodged inside you somewhere. Don't worry. It's not fatal in and of itself. As long as you keep to yourself and don't bother people with quick tempers, you should be okay living your boring life of cultural snobbery.

Really though? What are the chances you're reading a comic book blog and you don't own at least one of Weird Al's records? One of the first records I ever purchased with my own money was Weird Al in 3-D. Big surprise, right?

Of course he's a joke! He's not a man with a super power that commits illegal acts! He's a victim of some catastrophic event that took away his humanity and does despicable things in the hope somebody kills him and puts him out of his misery!

Killer Frost does not choose to kill Weasel because she suddenly has a problem with Steve Trevor's ethics when he doesn't try to stop her. I suppose it's one thing to hang out with a hero when you think he'll always do the heroic thing and you can get one over on him when you get what you want. But to realize that hero might be planning to do the same to you when he's got what he needs? That's a bit unsettling. They argue long enough to attract the attention of Cheetah and The New Zoo Revue.

It's all happening at the zoo! "It" being mostly murder and feeding frenzies.

Killer Frost and Steve Trevor last about three seconds against these guys. I recognize Lion-Mane from Batwing but not the others. I think, from left to right, they are Chupacabra, Zebra Nation, Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hekyl (the dogs), Of Mice and Merrick, Cheetah, Lion-Mane, and I Need An Upgrade To First Class, Bitch! Do You Know Who I Am? Ape.

Meanwhile in a secret place, The Crimson Men, an ancient secret sect, promise Dr. Light that they can make him human again. What is he now? I don't know? Some kind of squidgy afterdeath? That's like afterbirth but composed of mostly ectoplasm. Charr, the leader of The Crimson Men (or at least press agent) strikes a deal with Dr. Light: in exchange for information on Steve Trevor, Dr. Light will get his old life back. I think they really just want his power.

Back in Central Park, Steve Trevor names the villains for me: Lion-Mane, Hellhound and his doggies, Primape, and the others which he doesn't recognize. That's okay. I'm fairly certain I guessed their names correctly.

Cheetah decides to try to get Steve Trevor to confess his love for Wonder Woman while he's bound in the Lasso of Truth. While that takes place, Killer Frost lures Mäuschen to her cage with the protein bar Trevor gave her. I suppose since Mäuschen was just created this issue, he's going to have to sacrifice his little mousy heat so that Killer Frost can escape. Poor thing. Once I saw the tiny sword on his back, he became my favorite character ever. And now he's going to die! That's just wrong.

See? This is the part where the hero nearly loses but then rises up and comes through with his pure heart and dedication to saving everything!

Steve subdues Cheetah while Killer Frost takes out Elephantitis and Hellhound. Primandproperape, Crazy-Manes, Zebra Nation, and Hellhound's dogs are nowhere to be seen. Perhaps they took off once the Lasso of Truth had Cheetah bound and her influence over them wore off. But it's okay if they've run off with multiple tails between their legs because Dr. Light has just arrived to finish off Steve Trevor once and for all.

A.R.G.U.S. #5 Rating: No change. This was a pretty good issue except that part where Mäuschen died and I decided to never forgive Sterling Gates ever again. How would you like it if I wrote a comic book and sold it at a comic shop near you and you purchased it and you read it and you discovered your new favorite character and I killed it off? Right there in your own home? Yeah, it doesn't feel so great, does it?! I hope Issue #6 shows him still alive!

A.R.G.U.S. #4

You'll be okay, Steve! That whole face scratching thing happened to me last night too!

See?

My Scratcher was far less sexy than Steve's. Although the Scratchee in my incident is far more entertaining than the one in Steve's incident.

This issue begins showing Black Bison murdering some ARGUS Agents in Metropolis. Agent 234 seems to be the last Agent left and if he can hold out just long enough, Cyborg should be by to beat the shit out of the other Assassin Committee 2000 Bureau Members. Except I think Cyborg beat them up while passing through Pittsburgh or somewhere. So maybe only Black Bison is currently in Metropolis killing Agents.

Nope. They're all here! Getting their asses kicked by Cyborg on his way to find Doc Magnus probably happens later.

Plastique can't get in touch with Killer Frost because she found some new friends: Colonel Steve Trevor and Professor Martin Stein. Sounds like a fucking party, those guys! But Killer Frost can't be very choosy about her friends right now. She's starving for Heat Sustenance, the kind only Firestorm can give her if you know that I mean nuclear blasts of burning passion. Trevor needs to find Firestorm because he's learned, from some ancient witches, that Wonder Woman and some other inconsequential assholes have been imprisoned inside of Firestorm's Slash Fiction Matrix. Professor Martin Stein is the guy that created that Matrix, so everybody is counting on the big nerd to find Firestorm for them. Everybody always counts on the nerd to do all the work! Look at how Anthony Michael Hall got screwed into writing the fucking paper for everyone in The Breakfast Club and he's the only one that didn't wind up getting any poontang out of it. Fucking dicks. Although it was worth it in the end. Because he knew what all writers know. Writers have the real power. They get to tell the story their way. So fuck 'em all!

Before Trevor and Stein and Snow can come up with a plan, The Assassin Committee 2000 Bureau arrives. They couldn't find Killer Frost earlier by trying to contact her on her Silver Dollar Phone. That's because they had to wait until the right moment in the plot where they'd arrive with the greatest dramatic effect. Also, they needed to enlist Grid's help. So now Trevor and Frost have to battle Plastique, Hyena, Typhoon, Black Bison, and Multiplex. Mindboggler might show herself as well at some point since she was there when Cyborg kicked their asses. Luckily Stein has some teleportation tubes in the basement for just such an emergency. And since they're going to need a telepath, they decide to teleport straight to one.

The Circus should have a Telepath or two. Plus Agent Gunn gets to make a cameo so he can afford to make his mortgage payment this month. Since Vibe was cancelled, times have been pretty lean.

When is Cheetah going to appear? Is she in the Circus? Is she a telepath? She isn't a telepath! Is she?

Well, Cheetah doesn't make an appearance yet. The telepath they're after is named Psi. Apparently she first appeared in a non-existent adventure between Supergirl and Vibe. Maybe it's a story that would have happened if Vibe hadn't been a no-personality bore and had actually managed to sell some fucking comic books. Not that I thought he was a bore! Vibe was a fun comic book!

Psi read Supergirl's mind and realized that Supergirl had meant it as a greeting when she punched her in the face. So Psi decided to help ARGUS in their mission of kidnapping and imprisoning foreigners to our dimensional shores.

This is Psi in 1985. She actually wears more clothing now.

Psi gives Trevor a serious brainstorm which causes Trevor to realize he needs the Lasso of Truth. I guess he'll use it to tie around Firestorm and say, "Are Batman and Superman really fucking each other in your Slash Matrix?!" And Firestorm will have to hide his boner and answer, "Yes." Anyway, Cheetah currently has the Lasso, so it's off to find the fucking wizard. I mean Cheetah.

A.R.G.U.S. #4 Rating: No change. I think this issue helps piece together some of the mystery behind Martin Stein. He created the Firestorm Matrix while working as a contracted agent of ARGUS. Once he did that, some very scary people came after him. Those were the Jackals and the Evil Firestorm Corporation and probably Pozhar as well. So he faked his death and went to hide out in his little cabin deep in the wilderness. Steve Trevor was only able to find out he was still alive and get his help thanks to the Ancient Witches from the Magic Mirror. So now Professor Stein is solidly back in the DC Universe instead of being mysteriously missing with only graffiti on a bus in Gotham to say, "Martin Stein Lives!" Or something. My memory isn't that good!

A.R.G.U.S. #3

Keep him away from that child!

Last issue, Steve Trevor inexplicably survived a battle with Deathstork Deathstroke. Too bad the comic book is from the point of view of Steve Trevor instead of Deathstroke or else we could have gotten another entry in Deathstroke's War Journal!

Steve Trevor returned to ARGUS Headquarters, sending the President and Candy on a picnic on/with Fiddler's Green. And then he went to look at himself in a magic mirror he was storing for safe keeping for Wonder Woman. It's one of those mirrors that makes you pay for asking questions in it. And Steve already owes it for something. Probably for making Wonder Woman fall out of love with him because he knew it was only holding her back. And when he yelled at her that one time at the amusement park and told her he doesn't love her and to go away, scat!, Git!, she didn't listen. She just laughed at his antics and shoved more cotton candy in her face.

Also, Dr. Light has returned from heaven and he's accidentally burning up ARGUS Agents. Enh, it happens.

And with all that going on, it's the perfect time to see what was happening five years ago on one of Steve Trevor and Diana Prince's dates!

What's the best way to cook a khalkotauroi? Now I feel like I need to come up with a punch line.

This was the moment that Steve Trevor told Wonder Woman he would be working with a new government agency called ARGUS. Diana points out to Steve what I've been pointing out all along: Argus was the name of a hundred eyed beast that could see everyone and everything. Somebody in the government is too smart for their own good, putting the purpose of the organization right there in the acronym while pretending the agency is doing something else. This memory is currently being stolen by one of the witches from the mirror Steve Trevor visited at the end of the last issue. But this memory is just payment for last time. I imagine he'll have to pay up front for his next favor. I have no idea what kinds of favors these witches grant. Prophecy? Magic artifacts? Clockwork owls? Four hour erections?

Oh, did we know that Stever Trevor's middle name was Howard? That's perfect. His initials are SHT! Ha ha! Steve's parents were assholes.

Steve negotiates with the witches and it sounds like he's going to give up his greatest memory to find out what happened to Diana! I bet that memory is the first time he caught a glance of a girl's underwear! Oh sweet cherished mistake! Favorable breeze! Skirt of lightest materials! Just a flash! Just a second! But what a sweet sight! The newness of arousal! The heartbreaking crush! The lurid, inexpressible thoughts! All this from his first brief glimpse of the forbidden!

The witches show Trevor that the lost heroes have been subsumed by Firestorm. But he does not know where to find Firestorm! But the witches must be under the thrall of ancient magics which do not allow them to take overpayment for information. He has offered them the world with his young memory of glimpsing panties, so they teleport him to a location where he can find Firestorm. Or at least find his trail.

Martin Stein and Killer Frost? That should do it.

Luckily Trevor brought a magic fire blade to defend himself. You know, if Steve Trevor would be willing to listen to Killer Frost for a moment, couldn't they work out a deal? Couldn't she feed on the heat of the magic blade? Or does she have to kiss a living being to warm herself up? I guess I'll find out after a one page diversion into The Green Room.

Etta learns that the keeper of The Green Room, Mr. Green, is a founding member of ARGUS. He's going to explain over a cup of tea. And that's all you get in one page! Back to the action!

Well, the action ends when Martin Stein shoots Frost in the stomach with a shotgun. It's at that point that they all begin to talk and realize they're all interested in finding Firestorm. If only everybody would drop these "hero" and "villain" labels, more conversations might begin with "What can I do for you?" as opposed to a punch in the face.

So Martin Stein, Genius, explains the situation in a way that even Steve Trevor can understand.

He's a scientist, not an artist! He's also pretty shitty at analogies.

Meanwhile, Firestorm is just where I said he'd be! In a lab somewhere with Deathstorm trying to convince him to teach him how to make Kryptonite. Jason was lost inside the Firestorm Matrix with everybody else but Ronnie Raymond is a floating, disembodied head. How do you like being the guy in the back seat, Ronnie? Not too fun, is it?

Double meanwhile with cherries on top, Doctor Light appears in Los Angeles where he's greeted by a new Super Secret Agency: The Crimson Men!

A.R.G.U.S. #3 Rating: No change. It's interesting to see the development of each of the Forever Evil mini-series and to see what part of the overall Forever Evil story each one is responsible for. So ARGUS is dealing with finding Firestorm and freeing the Justice Leagues. I think Justice League Dark is being kept somewhere else, probably The Project, so that's all going down in The Blight. Also in The Blight series, we now have Deadman as Sea King, so he'll probably get close to the Syndicate. Over in Rogues Rebellion we have...well, I don't know exactly what's going on there. Or Arkham War! Maybe they'll just be crazy off-shoots of the overall story and not be critical to how it all ends. Or maybe I'm just not very observant or I'm rushing through my thoughts right now because I need to get dinner in the oven in time to cook and eat it before I have to rush off to work.

Vibe #10

I can remember Vibe's brothers' names, Armando and Dante, but I can never remember Vibe's name. I think I've run out of ROM. Oh, is Rom his name?

Last issue Vibe had been turned into a bomb to blow up Mordeth's wife whose name I can also not remember. I think it was also Mordeth! Oh! But I did just remember Vibe's name because his last name Ramon popped into my head and then Cisco followed immediately after. What the fuck is wrong with you, brain? Are you outfitted with a time delay to prevent me from being robbed by Knowledge Muggers? "Quick! What's the capitol of New Hampshire?!" "I'm sorry, you're going to have to wait three minutes for that information." Here's how I watch Jeopardy: *Answer is read by the pompous bitch Alex Trebek that can't help correcting everybody's French* Me sitting on the couch in my pants (the British style), "Oh yeah. I know that." Contestant gives the answer. I say, "Yep. That was it."

Anyway, Vibe was being dropped on top of Queen Mordeth (how does somebody trust their King and Queen when their name is "More Death"? I guess in Piradellese, "Moreth" probably means "gumdrops") to stop her from invading Earth by opening up Gypsy like a portal. The Queen's husband, Breacher (or King Mordeth if you're nasty), betrayed Vibe but he did it for good reasons. I think. If somebody decided to give up my life for a goal, I would probably think all of their reasons were mostly shitty.

Back on Earth, Amanda Waller was about to recruit Dante onto her team because his nanocites inside of him were about to give him super powers. I'm sure he'll take the name Inferno instead of Purgatorio like I'm hoping. I used to be pretty sure that he'd spit Waller's offer back in her face and become ARGUS's biggest enemy, just after Omega. But I'm beginning to think all Waller would have to say is, "It pays well," and Dante will sign the contract.

This issue begins with Waller doing paperwork when Vibe appears and puts Rupture's sickle through her desk. Well then! I guess everything turned out okay on Piradell! Except maybe Rupture died. And everybody else.

Preboot Waller would never have asked nicely! Preboot Waller would have lost a boot up Vibe's colon.

Vibe begins to tell Waller his story but because he's telling the story instead of the comic book beginning with the story, it's really kind of unreliable, isn't it? Vibe could simply be telling Amanda a complete lie about how the story ended! So that adds an interesting twist to beginning the comic this way as opposed to just beginning this issue where last issue left off.

Back where last issue left off (since I was just talking about it), Vibe was about to blow up! But Rupture saves his life by ramming his sickle into his chest. It totally makes sense because weapons in comic books only do what they're supposed to do and very rarely ever pierce hearts or damage internal organs. Even Batman's weapons which cause injury every few pages never do any serious harm. And by serious, I mean nothing the criminal can't live with with just a few minor adjustments to their lifestyle, like a wheelchair or a burning hatred to get revenge.

Next, Vibe describes how he and Rupture fought and Waller acts concerned about their fight causing interdimensional rifts back on Piradell like it did on Earth. But she only acts concerned so she can point out how she already knows why Piradell wasn't ripped to shred by portals in the way The Circus was when Rupture and Vibe fought.

I guess it goes "universe," "multiverse," "omniverse." Although I think Omniverse is just a stupid way to mix them both up. "Universe" means one stanza. Multiverse means "multiple stanzas." And Omniverse means "every stanza." So Amanda Waller doesn't know as much about the workings of the DC Universe as Dr. Veritas and every single character written by Scott Lobdell.

During the battle, Vibe winds up with Rupture's sickle and destroys all of Mordeth's raptors, her army. He also knocks the righteous fury out of his brother. But that's when Emperor Palpatine begins filling Vibe full of lightning force bolts. Darth Rupture watches, climbs to his knees, and says, "No."

Oh yeah, he also killed her. Or should I say dismantled her?

And then Armando learns the price that must be paid whenever somebody strikes down someone like Emperor Mordeth.

I believe this is called a "frommage."

I'm not exactly sure if Sterling Gates is referencing the Star Wars Franchise here or if he's going all the way back to the original source material that George Lucas lifted nearly verbatim from The Book of Matthew.

Now that Armando is feeling better, he realizes he has to stay behind to try and defeat Mordeth before she completely takes over the planet. Or he really just knows he can't live with the knowledge that he killed so many Piradellians. So he shoves Vibe and Gypsy (who they rescued! Did I mention they rescued Gypsy? Oh yeah! They rescued Gypsy!) throw a portal back to Earth and remains behind to die. Or to appear again later as Rupture in the pages of Justice League of America in a few years. It'll probably some huge crossover called The Rupture!

Back in Waller's office, Gypsy appears to threaten Amanda with a knife for one second. I think it's a just a bit of the old "I could have killed you" to make Waller feel a little more human and out of control. Although I'm fairly certain Waller knew Gypsy was there all along and only acted surprised to make Vibe think he had the upper hand. Have Waller and Constantine had a real confrontation yet? I'd like to see that as they both let their lines go completely slack trying to lure the other one in. It would probably end with each of them slitting their own throats and trying to out bleed the other to get the upper hand. Somehow. I don't know how that would work!

Vibe decides to keep working for ARGUS as long as ARGUS works on a way to get back to Piradell to save Armando. But he'll only work with Agent Gunn. So that would have been a good direction for this comic book to go if more people had been buying it.

And then Amanda texts a message to her new agent whose job is to keep a close eye on Vibe 24/7:

Purgatorio! He's not the blue monster thing.

Vibe #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. Agent Gunn is now in the field with his husband as they're working with Vibe and the comic book is over? Dante has become Waller's pawn which means he's Vibe's nemesis which I pointed out from page one of issue one although Dante's super "hero" name has yet to be revealed. Although Inferno was my prediction and it was mentioned in a Next Month Blurb an issue or two ago. Although I still think Purgatorio would be fine. I bet all the agents he's supposedly killed (probably when he Super Powered Out for the first time in the hospital when Waller came to talk with him) are actually just suspended in some alternate purgatory-like dimension. Oh, I should probably level up as a comic book reader due to that! So now I'm back to the rank of Immaculate Comic Book Reader! Just one more level to go before I'm a Master again!

Overall, this series was much better than anybody wanted to think it would be since it was starring Vibe and all. This was a well portrayed version of the character. I hope he gets a mini-series sometime soon concentrating on the next chapter of his story working with Gunn and Klebba and learning about Dante.

A.R.G.U.S. #2

"Battles" is pretty optimistic. I'd have chosen "is barely noticed by". Or maybe "creates a minor annoyance for". Perhaps "is killed messily by"?

Last issue, Candy Etta's digital wrist watch informed her that Steve Trevor's heart had stopped. That totally makes sense since just before it came to that conclusion, Steve Trevor ran into Deathstroke the Terminator. His name has a couple of hints in it as to why he might be dangerous. Maybe more than a couple!

But since this issue begins with Steve Trevor still alive and shooting Copperhead in the fangs, I have a feeling Candy Etta's digital wrist watch is malfunctioning. It could be that the sudden appearance of Doctor Light's Ghost created an EMP that fucked it hard. EMP stands for Ectoplasmic Mega-Penis. So now Etta Candy thinks Trevor is dead instead of "fighting" Deathstroke. You know why I put quotes around fighting.

And? And what? Die young?

Next thing you know, well actually, the next thing you know is whatever I want to type, isn't it? Since you're reading this right now, I'm in control of the very next thing you know! Ha ha! I'm in total control! Except I can't get you to do weird stuff, can I? Can I? Touch your butt. Oh, come on! Nobody's looking! Just touch it! Oh, never mind! I don't want to imagine you doing it if you're going to have that expression on your face! The next thing that happens is Blockbuster breaks through a wall and saves Steve Trevor's life by choking him half to death. You see, Deathstroke was about to choke him full to death.

If I lived in a comic book, I think I would get a job doing drywall. Just about every major city has a problem with villains and heroes crashing through walls. Skylight salesman is probably a fairly profitable business too. I'm almost certain Bruce Wayne invests in it which is why Batman chooses to break as many as he possibly can every night.

The room that Steve Trevor crashes through contains, I think, Nightshade holding some agents and the president hostage. Speaking of Nightshade, whatever happened to her appearance in Suicide Squad? I think it was her. Wasn't it her? Did that story ever have an ending? Where they fought the giant made out of corpses and shit? Wow, my memory is atrocious! I think she just made an appearance as a head agent in whatever shadowy cabal she was working for and then skedaddled.

Anyway, it's not Nightshade. It's Shadow Thief. I guess she only hates alien races coming to Earth and not citizens of other Earths coming to Earth. And she's only here to shield Deathstroke and Copperhead and Blockbuster from a huge explosion caused by Steve Trevor so he can get the president away. The president doesn't explode, for what it's worth. I think because he's too important.

I'm going to use this plan at Christmas.

The President asks Trevor where the Justice League is as if he didn't expect to get any other answer than "Need to Know." I bet the President hears that all the time. The first briefing the President probably gets after being sworn into office is, "You probably think you're the most important person in the Western Hemisphere now, don't you? Well, you're not. Who is? Need to know. How many more people are important than you? Need to know. Need to know anything? Need to know. Just get used to not asking questions, Sir."

Meanwhile, Killer Frost is somewhere (Philly?) in an alley trying to figure out where her next meal is going to come from. Firestorm used to keep her well fed with his atomic blasts but now she's struggling worse than Lestat when he refused to feed on people. Or maybe Angel. I think Angel is more timely! But luckily for Killer Frost, a new meal ticket has come along!

"Jeffrey! Jeffrey! Get away from those lesbians!"

Killer Frost wanders off to eventually suck Deathstorm dry. Or maybe she'll encase him in ice so that he's in some kind of stasis where she can sit on his face every day and feed off his energy while he can't do anything but pucker.

Meanwhile, Steve Trevor returns to ARGUS headquarters with the President. They send him off to The Green Room which is a panic room "outside of time and space, and nothing will be able to get in while you're there." Except for, maybe, fourth dimensional creatures! As the President wander in, a voice begins talking to him. Is Fiddler's Green the President's emergency hideaway?

Steve locks Etta Candy inside The Green Room as well to protect The President while he goes off to use the Delphi's Mirror to find Wonder Woman. The Delphi's Mirror is located in yet another secret ARGUS room: The Wonder Womb. I mean Room. It's purpose is classified but it looks like a place where he keeps mementos from his time dating Wonder Woman.

Like the Vice Grip Sex Cycle and his Sears Portrait Studio picture of himself and Wonder Woman in the morning.

But the main reason he's back is to talk with the Delphi Witches to get a prophecy. He wants to make a deal with them but it seems like he already owes them for something they helped him with previously. They might demand payment up front this time.

ARGUS #2 Rating: +5 Ranking. Yet another Forever Evil spinoff that's entertaining and works well as a story happening in parallel with the main event. And I suppose I can keep making jokes about Deathstroke easily defeating Steve Trevor or I can change up my bias and wrap my head around the fact that Steve Trevor might just be a huge badass motherfucker. I mean, why else would Wonder Woman date him? You know why she went after Superman, right? Because he's fucking Vanilla Pudding. Mister Nice Guy. Goody Two Shoes. Captain Safety. Which means Wonder Woman probably just got out of a relationship with a kinky ass tough guy. I think I can believe the guy Wonder Woman dated before she dated Superman could go toe to toe for a few rounds with Deathstroke. But only a few rounds! He's dead after that.

A.R.G.U.S. #1

Wasn't Team 7 cancelled?

You know why people aren't that into the Agents of SHIELD television show? Of course you do. Why would I think you didn't? I actually kind of like the show. Although it isn't a must watch show and it sits on my ChannelMaster for weeks before I decide to watch an episode. The ChannelMaster is the DVR for people that don't have Cable or Satellite television. That's right. I only watch television shows that enter my house through the aether. Or ones that are on Netflix streaming. I also purchase Mad Men and Walking Dead on Xbox video so I can keep current on those shows when they're on. But the point I was making was that nobody wants to read a comic book with a bunch of normal people using guns to solve their problems.

Whoever just snorted and scoffed, "What about The Punisher?" can eat S-H-I-T because Frank Castle is far from a normal person! My only hope is that one of the members of A.R.G.U.S. dies each issue.

I forget what ARGUS stands for! American Regiment Given Unforgiving Suppositories? Oh wait! I remember that it should be ARGUSH because it's Something Something Something Uniting Super Heroes! But what they're really doing is keeping their hundred Argussian eyes on the world!

I just glanced at the cover again and I already hate every member of this team.

The issue begins with some mysterious flaming hand speaking with somebody off-panel about how they're going to blind ARGUS's "all-seeing eye." Actually, they have one hundred eyes. But I guess he's riffing off the logo, so I shouldn't be such a didactic "actually" nerd. If Argus has 100 eyes, does that mean the team (which I was politely reminded on the first page is Advanced Research Group Uniting Superhumans which means I scored 30*% on that quiz!) is set up to have fifty members? I like that! I hope that's the way it is! That way there are fifty members that can be killed during this miniseries! Actually probably more like forty nine since Agent Gunn can't be killed in this series. He has to die in the pages of Vibe doing something heroic! And I don't think Amanda Waller counts. She's like the body of the beast. Mostly the dick.

On page two, the story continues six years ago with Steve Trevor crashing on Paradise Island. I already forgot that Steve Trevor was a member of ARGUS! And that must be his crazy ass grin on the cover. You know, that's the most personality I've seen out of him since The New 52 began!

I'm surprised that Wonder Woman's outfit is straight from Themyscira. I guess it's just a coincidence that it's got the American motif.

That's as much of the initial meeting between Diana and Steve we get. I was hoping for a bit more but this story isn't that story. Speaking of this story, who the hell was that guy with the flaming hand?! The only clue we were given was that his Headquarters was located "somewhere." It might not be a "he" either but his poorly manicured thumb nail and over-sized thumb joint make me suspect male. And even though the other voice was from an off-panel speech bubble, I read it in a woman's voice. Not out loud! But in my head! The way a person reads! It's only a rumor that I act out each comic book in the nude via interpretive dance in front of my life-sized Scott Lobdell cutout.

What rival organizations exist in the DC Universe that would want to fuck with ARGUS? The Blackhawks (aka the Blackrazors)? SHADE (Some Horrible Acronym Deemed Excellent)? Task Force X (although why would Waller want to blind her other group?)? Checkmate (who hasn't been seen in quite some time!)? AMMO (who?)? NOWHERE? I bet it's SHADE since SHADE and ARGUS were forming a cooperative investigative unit in the pages of Forever Evil. Or Trinity War. One of those.

Oh shut up! Who invited you to this comic book? I hate you!

What a surprise! Madame Xanadu exclaims, "I can see the future!" and then tells somebody else to do something for her. When is some skeptic going to come along and bust her ass, exposing her for the manipulative phony she is! She tells Zatanna to send Steve away back when The Crime Syndicate appeared. But before Zatanna casts her hugely complicated spell of "DNES EVETS YAWA!", Madame Xanadu tells Steve to seek out the truth and that this world depends on it. Typical fortune teller! Giving out vague advice. Go to hell.

Since The Crime Syndicate arrived and Steve Trevor woke up at the beginning of this comic book, The Secret Society of Super Villains has been busy killing every member of ARGUS they could find.

That's a bigger body count than I expected for one issue! But it doesn't count since none of the dead were introduced to the reader first! But that still leaves two dozen left to meet and mourn!

Steve Trevor and his coworker Candy Etta get a message that the White House is under attack by Deathstroke. I wonder how much Slade is getting paid? He doesn't kill for free, you know! Trevor runs off to stop him which is a stupid idea because Steve Trevor is just this guy, you know? And Slade Wilson is like OH MY GOD! and then you're just dead. I say the fight will be over in two panels! Steve Trevor steps onto the White House lawn and then the second panel is just black. Because it's from Steve's point of view. And his new point of view is dead.

Here's a little flashback to lengthen the amount of pages until Steve Trevor is dead from a severe sword cut through the neck.

The Secret Origin of ARGUS!

I really like the one page origin story of ARGUS. It's simple. It contains some nice, conversational dialogue relating to the importance of the matter at hand. It's believable. Trevor would do this not because it's a program for spying on the Super Heroes but because it's a program proving they're trustworthy. Trevor also accepts because ARGUS will be the last line of defense if the super heroes have fallen. Which really just means they'll throw their bodies at whatever killed the super heroes so that the president can get in his emergency shuttle and hyperwarp into his Safe Room located somewhere in The Bleed.

After all of my Team 7 talk, I actually forgot that Slade and Steve worked together in that group. I suppose it's because Steve Trevor didn't actually get as much face time in that book as I thought he was going to get when it began. I think the creators forgot about him until Issue Nine or Ten. Which was too bad since it was cancelled at Issue Eight. So the fact that they once worked together means the fight lasts a little longer than I thought. Because they have to reminisce and shit.

I'm fairly certain Trevor's legs are tied up with two tails. So you know what that means! Snake penis!

Ha! I was sort of correct about the fight lasting two panels! The above page was the first actual panel of the fight. Then the very next panel on the next page, Candy's Bio-Bracelet informs her that Steve Trevor has flatlined. Ha ha!

And then Doctor Light's Light Ghost appears to haunt the remains of the ARGUS installation. I guess he wasn't as secure in Heaven as he seemed in the pages of The Phantom Stranger. But he gave away his light power in that comic book to give to his wife! I guess that means he's just using the normal ghost powers to haunt Candy and the other agents.

A.R.G.U.S. #1 Rating: I will begin this comic book between Justice League of America and Action Comics. It's much better than the current Action Comics but reminds me of Justice League of America because they both have Steve Trevor in them. I liked quite a few moments in this comic book which is good because I don't really care about ARGUS at all! Also Wonder Woman looked super cute. Is that the only important thing about Wonder Woman? That she looks super cute? Yes, probably.