The Flash #36

Brett Booth loves drawing dinosaurs!

When a writer works with Brett Booth, does he or she constantly receive instant messages from him asking when dinosaurs are going to appear in the next script? I bet he sends them dick pics where he's glued tiny little T. Rex hands to his cock and photoshopped it into swampy environments.

Damn. That's a good idea! Except for the gluing things to my penis. That might not be a good idea at all! Also, I'm not sure my penis has the chops to play a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Maybe I can make those fanned gills and turn it into the one that spits poison in Newman's face in Jurassic Park!

I'm going to be fact checking Brett Booth's dinosaurs with a book from my childhood so I hope he did his research! Here's the book:

This looks like it's going to be a bit heavy on the science.

This book was published in 1974 so they won't even have a definitive theory about how the monsters all died out.

Leonora Hornblow: "We think it could have been starvation. Or maybe a deadly plague that only affected reptiles."
Arthur Hornblow: "Or possibly mobs of torch wielding peasants."

Last issue ended with The Flash being attacked by flying machines that say, "Exterminate." This issue begins with The Flash being attacked by flying machines that say, "Exterminate." I think Brett Booth might have already fucked up on historically accurate dinosaurs.

The Flash has also lost his speed so he's lucky this, um, "Flalek" has poor targeting capabilities. It must need its plunger calibrated.

The Flash is saved by a bare chested man with a lightning bolt scar on his chest! I think this might wind up turning into a gay porn version of Harry Potter: "Hairy Potter and the Chamber of Buttstuff."

Meanwhile in the Utah Salt Flats, Future-Flash realizes he's now twenty years younger and decides to take the place of Present-Flash.

This grin says, "I am going to fuck Patty into a coma."

A fuckpatty sounds delicious! I'm hungry!

I think people might notice The Flash's costume change because most people I know can spot the difference between red and blue. I say most not because I know anybody who is red/blue colorblind (is that even a thing?!) but because I know some people whose parents were complete assholes. They also think that the proper term for their nose is a snot faucet and often refer to their ears as their head genitals.

Patty reminds Barry that they need to get to work so Barry's going to have to nurse his throbbing cock until his shift ends.

Time to play Philosophical Fuck Questions! Is it okay for Future-Barry to have sex with Patty without revealing that he's a future version of himself? If you instantly come to the conclusion that it's not, then get out! You're not playing Philosophical Fuck Questions correctly! It's still the same Barry! Patty's been intimate with this Barry before although, to Barry, it's been many, many years. I suppose if he's had any unsafe sex with dodgy super villains in the intervening years, it would be a dick move not to reveal that, quite possibly, he might have super-herpes. But we could introduce an infinite number of scenarios that would make a "yes" or a "no" answer to the question more obvious. Philosophy isn't about finding easy answers! It's about annoying other people with constant and unending questions!

So. Why would it be wrong for Future-Barry to have sex with Present-Patty? I can't think of any reasons at all! Yes, I suppose, if I want to sound like the understanding, caring, kind person I'm most certainly not, I would say it should be Patty's choice. She should be given all the facts and allowed to decide if she wants to cheat on Barry with himself. Plus, if we play out the time travel scenario that has occurred within the pages of this comic book, Present Barry will never become this Barry! Although, this Barry did live the same life as the Barry that Patty knew right up until breakfast this morning! If Present Barry never returns, what's the big deal? Also, if Present Barry ever returns, we'll have to have another episode of Philosophical Fuck Questions when we ask the question, "If Patty, Present Barry, and Future Barry have a three-way, is it really a three-way?"

Wally is probably going to wonder why Barry keeps breaking into tears and hugging him.

Nobody seems concerned (yet) that Barry can't remember where anything is and can't remember anybody's name (even when it's printed on their coveralls). Just wait until he watches Begin Again later with Patty and he says, "Boy, I thought Mark Ruffalo put in a really poignant portrayal of Bruce Banner in Avengers IV: The Curse of Fin Fang Foom." Luckily, everybody just takes his lapses in memory and his uncharacteristic behaviors in stride and helpfully reminds him of the way things should be. I'm sure Patty won't even notice since she's so starved for Barry's cock seeing as how he's been constantly ignoring her to hang out with Wally and Iris West.

"Remember? Remember how you never help me? Ever? Who are you?! What happened to the real Barry?! Ha ha! J/K, of course! Now excuse me while I clutch this thing you were just holding to my breasts!"

Meanwhile in "Hairy Potter and the Chamber of Buttstuff," Hairy and Barry continue to battle the Flaleks. It turns out they're sentry machines from the 24th Century and were built by LexWayne EnterCorps! Hairy, whose real name (or current alias) is Selkirk, explains how they're in a place where all times meet called The Nexus! Don't you just love when places are named so literally? I would have called this place Crazytown With Dinosaurs.

See? Crazytown With Dinosaurs!

Back in the non-Speed Force world, Future Barry ditches Patty to go murder some perp that escaped justice the last time Barry lived through this time. Although now that time has been changed, he's just murdering some guy that might possibly still kill a bunch of people and escape justice. You never know! Time's a funny thing! Because of butterflies or something.

The Flash #36 Rating: I think I ranted enough about stupid time travel stories. So now I'm just going to be a good little comic book fan and accept whatever happens in The Flash. And with that mentality, I'm enjoying it! I think Future-Flash should become a fan favorite because he's still Barry but he kills! A hero that kills is always really likable, right? We've seen enough of super goody-two-shoes Barry Allen! What a wussy baby square! Let's celebrate murdery, psycho vigilante Barry Allen for awhile! Yay for psychos! Yay for murdery vigilantes! Yay for kind of rapey guys from the future that maybe aren't technically raping their old girlfriends but, I mean, come on! What does your gut say! Guts are always right! I mean, not really, but people like to think they are and justify everything they do by their gut reactions! Because how can a person's intuition lead them astray? That would be like admitting you have a fault or something! Ludicrous!

Futures End: Suicide Squad #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

For a few weeks now, HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea has been down. In its absence, several numbers stations have sprung up all across the city.

Fourteen.

Sixty-five.

Three.

Forty-eight.

Nineteen.

Sixteen.

Thirty-three.

Twelve.

Fifty.

Seventy-th*CRACKLE BZZZZZZZT SCREEEEEEEEEEEE BZZZZZT*--ar me? lissen. lissen. i don't know what's going on in this city but I think it's just the beginning. these fires...they haven't been so bad yet. but, i don't know, i don't know. i don't have a good feeling about it. it's time to leave old york to the richies. let 'em have the whole thing, lot of good it'll do 'em. see? without us...well, they don't exactly need us...but, in time, they'll see. without us, their days are numbered.

who am i? that's what yer thinking, right? who am i? i'm you. one of the lower voices. it's true; it's truth. i'm only different from you in one way. just the one way. i was told things; i was given things. i have those things here. you have to hear them; i have to read them. i have to hurry. i don't think this device can be tracked but...well, you can't be too careful, see? actually, you can't be careful at all anymore, it seems. but i wills; i'll try. here, here. let me find where to start. oh, oh. the pages are all mixed up. oh. i'm sorry, ma'am. i'm trying my best; this is my best. here. here. i'll start here. whispers. whispers in your ears. hear it, okay? okay?

"she gathered her forces to make her kingdom. but it wasn't just her kingdom; it was their kingdom; all of them, everybody. the goal was to build a community of equals; to take an entire city and make it a home for everybody. at first, it took power. lots and lots of power and lots and lots of violence. that was the only way. it wouldn't work any other. but she was just young enough to be full of stupid passion, to believe it could be done. and it was done. it was. and saint lois was a shining city on a hill. and for that, it had to be torn down."

"the shippers, you know that gang, the shippers? they had both parts of it. the wrong parts and the right parts. they saw the importance of the comic books; felt the import. that was the right part. the importance. but they got the wrong part of it in their hands. they didn't like the subtext; didn't want it. they had no use for it. it was the relationships they wanted more of; it made them feel something. the feelings, that was important too. that was the connection. to connect the lower voices to the message; to the secret. the connection was strong and it brought hope that the lower voices would see what needed to be done. but the message writers, the secret bearers, they miscalculated. the characters overshadowed everything. the stories hardly mattered anymore. the shippers just wanted more characters fucking; more characters cheating; more characters intimate, angry, betrayed. they wanted characters of all kinds. the stories didn't matter; they just wanted varied characters now. but they missed the secret and soon, the message, the secret, it was forgotten."

"those that came for her; those she calls the richies...they didn't need anything she had. they couldn't take for themselves what was most important to her anyway: the love of the people. they could never own that but they could, and would, take it from her. they could destroy her example so that the lower voices in their cities would never know of another way. and so they came to saint lois with their weapons and their money and their influence and their hate; oh, oh such hate. and for all her genius in planning and organizing and creating, she did not plan for her peaceful community to be seen as such a threat. her defense had always been acceptance. everybody welcome; nobody needs to fight. up in her dreamsland. she forgot the ways of the world. she thought greed and power were dead and buried in the formertimes. she forgot and it cost her everything, this forgetting."

"but first, she let them know, the richies. she lured them in. she gave them the key to her skydyhole. and they came. and they died. all of them that came died; this, in particular, she wants you, the richies, to know. she has your weapons, and your vehicles, and she knows where you live, and she ate your hearts, you feels? what are bunkers to her, she who has died in the dusty stretches over and over and over again. yet here she stands, arisen anew, stronger, more capable, more beautiful than any ever dared dream. and she has the blood of your hearts dripping from her chin, and she only craves more."

"with time came the weaving of it all; with time came the dulling of passion but the sharpening of wisdom. oh, she did not lose her passion, goddess no. but she knew better how to focus it; where to direct it. things had to be in place; stories needed to be told. she needed an army on her side without the enemy knowing she was recruiting. she needed a voice for the masses. she needed friends in all the right places. she needed all of this before she could let him know they were ready. enough time had passed and they were ready to strike back. but not just to strike back; she was ready to regain her dreamsland. and she knew just where to dream it, and who best to bring it about. so she sent out the secret grayson message. she let him know in his favorite code that the time had come."

"from that moment on, she declared the sunny stretches dead because now there was only dust, dust, dust forever."

this was her power: getting people to believe in her visions.

"one last thing to say..." hmm, out of order. dumb dumber me, oh, oh. sorry, ma'am, sorry. anyway, lissen, please, lissen, out of order or not. must speak this bit loud; no whispers for this. be braves. no whispers. "a final message to reaper: 'Underneaf, ya almays knowed it best. Please memember how sorry Old Goggs been when ya lef, sees it? Practicum noduster knew youse lef' us alive. Even Shizgiggles beliefed da body we eatem uz yours. Remember how cynical little Shizgiggles were, don't yeah? Kept hers safe, anyway. It weren't fer none goods dough, seein' as how she couldna looks me in da eyes affer. Never blamed her fer leavin, feels it? Didna blame noduster but Old Goggs herself. Even if wes did what needed ta be done, still don't seem noways ta make it feel right. Right ain't enuff, sometimes, I fink. Cost alla Old Goggs friends too much jess fer bein' fuckity right. Anydust, I jess wanna say how sorries I am, and dat youse was right alla the way along. Merde. Please forgive me, Prof.'"

"but not everyone forgot the secret. sometimes, it can still be found. sometimes."

"there was this, them, the suicide squad. can you remember? back in old saint louis, what became saint lois? remember? long ago, it was so many round trips ago. a strong woman shouldered their burden; a tenacious woman gave them orders. she saw things the way they should be. she had the will, and the vision. they would die for her, whether they wanted to or not; it was the only way. it was how things should be."

yes, yes. like this. very much like this.

"it was the loss of her closest allies that broke her the most. they fought a war they knew they couldn't win because she asked them to. she still thought she could cling to her dreamsland; she thought if there was a chance, they must take it. but in the end, in the ashes, wrapped in the smell of burning friends, she knew she had been wrong. some threats you can't face directly. and so she made as if to slink off to lick her wounds but she was deepest in thought on the things she need: plans; plots; secrets; time."

okays, okay. that's all the notes; everything that needed to be said. it worries me much, these notes, these fires, this restlessness been started in the lower voices. mayhap, maybe...yes, yes. it's time to go. someplace. anyplace. just run and hide and find another way, i guess. so scared. so full of fear.

okay, anyway. back to your numbers. hopes my whispers didn't lose your count.

*CRACKLE BZZZZZZZT SCREEEEEEEEEEEE BZZZZZT*-teen.

Four.

Thirty-eight.

Six.

Twenty-two.

Suicide Squad #30

It's nice to see King Shark's flushing didn't take.

I don't know why this issue of Suicide Squad was even needed. Perhaps it's time for DC to bring back the policy where they just fucking pull the rug out from under a creative team and tell them to hang up their shit, the gig's over. This last issue and Nightwing's last issue are both completely new creative teams, so I guess DC felt that some final Forever Evil plot threads needed to be tied up before they shitcanned these books. Suicide Squad has simply never found an identity that worked. It's mostly been garbage, treating the characters in it like garbage, and really just riding Harley's popularity for thirty issues. This book has been a stinker.

I hate saying that, too! I absolutely loved Ostrander's Suicide Squad. I even loved Giffen's short-lived run that was released sometime around the turn of the millennium. But this version seems to have been poorly thought out and rushed to press simply because DC wanted a Suicide Squad book for The New 52. Hopefully now it will remain cancelled until somebody can come up with a really good pitch for a new series and good reason to bring the team back. Give them a fucking purpose aside from dealing with Amanda's personal vendetta's against Regulus and Basilisk. Fuck, that Basilisk shit was poorly planned out as well.

The issue begins with the government of the United States of America encouraging Black Manta to kill Aquaman with a sly nudge and a wink.

What is wrong with Black Manta's voice?

Amanda Waller is in Washington, D.C. to be fitted with a government buttplug. She's bent over at a congressional hearing, sized up, measured, fitted, and spit back out into the system, confused for possibly the first time in The New 52.

Floyd Lawton has his mustache back although he's chosen to go with a look that says "I'm the douchiest date rapist in the Fraternity," a Van Dyke/Soulpatch combo. He's being transferred to a new prison along with a couple of guys that I might be the only one frothing at the anal glands to see: Coldsnap and Shakedown! Those guys were in the Masters of Disaster! Coldsnap mentions how their ladies are still free and are going to break them out! That means we might get the first appearance of New-Wave, Heatstroke, and Windfall! I hope Windfall especially appears. Even though she's so young, I think it's okay for me to still have a huge crush on her because I had a huge crush on her when I was a kid first getting into comic books. That's not weird or anything! I'm just wallowing in nostalgia, not acting like a pedo!

Meanwhile, the Secretary of Defense has been assigned to make sure Waller's buttplug is nice and secure.

Why is that guy's desk so long? Is he overcompensating for the length of his buttplug?

This issue has completely revamped the Suicide Squad like DC needed to do to it two years ago. The members will now be completely secret and won't be seen as prisoners or have any ties to the United States. The missions will be to secure American interests while having no apparent ties to America. They will just be a bunch of super villains committing international crimes. And if those crimes just happen to help out the United States, who's going to notice except all the conspiracy theorists? And who's going to believe them since the term "conspiracy theorist" has become a way of dismissing people without having to counter their arguments or engage them in debate.

Meanwhile, Heatstroke and New-Wave are captured trying to break out their teammates. No Windfall to be seen though, dammit!

Black Manta tries to go out for a burger but when he orders, the server is all, "Why the fuck is your speech balloon all polarized and shit?" And Black Manta is all, "I'LL TAKE FRIES WITH THAT!" And then he bashes her face into the register for no reason whatsoever except to get arrested. You know, I kind of liked Black Manta when he was running around trying to kill Aquaman. Firstly, who cares if Aquaman gets killed? Good riddance! And secondly, Aquaman killed Black Manta's father for no fucking good reason! So Black Manta actually has as good a reason as any super villain out there to kill a super hero. But now that Black Manta has taken an innocent, underpaid fast-food clerk's face and smashed it through a cash register, I don't think I can like him anymore. In my book, the worst thing you can do is to treat like shit a person who gets treated like shit all the fucking time. When you yell at a clerk at a convenience store or a server at a fast food restaurant, realize you're in no way the first person to treat that person like shit. How dare you continue to make them feel like crap? Even if they love their job, they're still barely making anything and have to deal with assholes who didn't get their burgers put together the correct way. Now they have to deal with half of their teeth getting knocked out and a serious concussion?! Fuck you, Black Manta! Fuck you right in the polarized speech bubble.

Well, I guess admitting you have an anger problem is a decent first step to mend this bridge between us!

Do you think if I painted a mace green, I could convince people that I had a Green Lantern ring and the mace was a construct? It's the go to construct for most Green Lanterns, right?!

I'm almost through and King Shark hasn't appeared yet! You better get crackin' on his return, Sean Ryan!

Black Manta joins up with Task Force X, Amanda is back in place heading up the crew at Belle Reve (although with much less power and an uncomfortable foreign item lodged up her backside), Floyd Lawton is in a cell nearby, and The Masters of Disaster look like they're going to be some of the first casualties when the Suicide Squad relaunches with Issue #1. I don't know when that takes place but I sure hope it's fucking interesting!

Suicide Squad #30 Rating: +3 Ranking. I probably shouldn't give this issue a positive ranking since it's less like Suicide Squad #30 and more like Suicide Squad Volume Two (of The New 52!) #0. I like the direction it's headed in. I like that Deadshot and Amanda are still the foundation of the group. And I love that The Masters of Disaster have made an appearance although I'm sure at least one of them is going to die in the Squad's relaunch. Black Manta did a dick thing and I'm not happy with him right now! So he can go shit in his helmet for all I care. Hopefully Boomerang finds his way into the Squad as well. And since she has her own title now, I hope Harley Quinn stays out. She really didn't fit in with the Squad very well anyway, even if she was the only reason people were buying this series.

Amanda Waller #1

This issue is six months late! Villains Month was last September.

I'll never get used to skinny Amanda Waller. No, that's not true. I think Amanda being fat was important to the previous incarnation of the character but it wasn't essential. Sure, Amanda was a stereotype of the strong, maternal, big, black woman. You know the stereotype, played famously by such legendary actresses as Mabel King and Esther Rolle. When you saw a woman like this, you knew what to expect and you dropped the fucking backtalk. That was Amanda and I think her look helped back up her iron will and stubborn attitude. But the look isn't what The New 52 got wrong. What The New 52 got wrong was Amanda's ability. Suddenly, she could break your leg, disarm you, kill you with multiple weapons and fighting styles. So her underlings aren't scared of Amanda herself; they're now scared of what Amanda can do. That takes away a lot of Amanda's actual power. Her ability to get shit done and to make even Batman stand down were not because she could kick ass. They were because she was tough and she was smart and she made Goddamned sure that she was respected. And you know what else made her character? The trait underneath all of that toughness and bravado and absolute control which you were always sure to get a glimpse of when women like this were played by Mabel King and Esther Rolle? Vulnerability. Amanda and Mabel and Florida were tough and proud and strong because they were also scared. If they failed at their jobs, shit was going to get bad. Amanda could not let anybody see her sweat. Ever. And sweat she did because she couldn't go out there and kick ass and shoot guns and beat the shit out of the enemy herself. That vulnerability also meant she had to surround herself with a staff that could protect her. Because being the brains of the outfit, she was definitely a target. The old Amanda wasn't going to go toe to toe with Regulus if he managed to catch her out of Belle Reve.

So forget about The New 52 ruining Amanda Waller because she's skinny. I have a feeling she became skinny for the movies and television which deserves a whole separate rant on fucking Hollywood's standards on which actresses and actors get what roles depending on body shape and beauty. I probably don't need to rant about that, do I? That would be like blowing the choir boys. No, wait. That's not how that saying goes. Enh, never mind. Let's read a comic book.

I normally just skip mentioning this because it generally takes place in a panel or during a moment I don't want a scan but why the fuck are comic book writers so in love with using the adjective "so-called"? Wait. Is that an adjective? Maybe the so-called adjective "so-called"?

Amanda is currently on a secret plane that's secretly headed somewhere secret with a bunch of secret ops secret soldiers secretly being secret about secrets. But somebody apparently told one of the secrets because a missile blows one of the wings off of the plane. Most planes can't fly with just one wing and this secret plane is no different. Amanda and her secret crew crash all over the place.

The pages with the pre-crash events is nicely done. The next double splash page isn't nicely done because even with one wing gone, the pilot manages to land the plane nicely on its belly. Bravo for doing the impossible, sirs! Unless it's not impossible! I'm only a Writer that thinks he knows everything and not a Writer that actually does know everything! I probably shouldn't have admitted to that though! Now you're going to second guess everything I say even if I say it with absolute authority.

See? I like this. This is that attitude I mentioned that Amanda has been missing! The only problem is that you know, from past New 52 stories, she's fully capable of rescuing everybody on this plane and killing whoever shot the missile at them. Even with the head injury.

The plane has crashed in New Mexico during an unnatural snowstorm. Only five of the eighteen secret people on board survived. And only two of them were secret soldiers. None of the survivors were Deadshot or Rick Flag or Bronze Tiger, so she's kind of up shit creek which is really fucking gross.

One of the survivors is a geneticist named Dr. Issen who seems to be the main target of the person that brought down the plane: Kriger-3. That's a stupid name!

Amanda admits to loathing violence which she finds funny. She just laughs off the fact that she hates violence and yet she's dedicated her life to committing scads and scads of it! As much violence as she can put on her books, she'll do it! Load up some nano-bombs in some more violent killers because good old "I Loathe Violence" Waller needs some bad guys killed! Real funny.

Oh! She didn't mean "ha ha" funny! She meant "fuck me why didn't my life turn out differently" funny!

Amanda realizes Kriger-3 has to recharge between blasts, so she and her last secret soldier (the other one died early) blast away at him immediately after he flames some snow banks. As Amanda does this, she thinks, "Is this what it feels like to be an operative on Task Force X?" Why would she need to ask that fucking question? I'm sure being an operative on Team Seven was just like being an operative on Task Force X which is just like what she's doing now! Did nobody tell Jim Zub that Amanda Waller was on Team Seven? That this kind of thing was her life for a few years?

Amanda's plan leaves her last Secret Soldier dead. Now it's just Amanda and her two civilians. She really should have just let Kriger-3 kill Issen. There are plenty more geneticists in the DC Universe that she can manipulate and exploit.

Oh, okay. He knows. But why did Amanda join the military if she loathes violence? Money for college?

I get that the military isn't just about violence! But you have to know that when a problem finally gets to a point where it needs to be solved by the military, violence is usually going to be the solution to that problem. It's like becoming a doctor who loathes blood! Or a firefighter who loathes Dalmatians!

Kriger-3 finally gets Dr. Issen in his grasp while Amanda thinks about how much running the Suicide Squad hurts her feelings. So change your fucking life, Amanda! I don't want to hear your bitching and moaning about how tough it is to manipulate criminals and send them to their deaths. Stop doing it if it's so tough. Find a better way to help protect innocent civilians. Use fucking volunteers that aren't murderers and thugs and psychotics! Lead the team in the field yourself so you understand the risk. Stop lying to everybody in your fucking life! Do things differently! DO FUCKING BETTER.

People like you? You mean irrational people that don't want to be free from the cycle of killing? Walk away, dumbass. Just walk away. After, you know, killing this last psycho! I hear Jack in the Box is hiring. They hardly kill anybody there.

So, boo hoo, Amanda has to murder this guy to keep people safe. The end.

Amanda Waller #1 One-Shot Rating: I get that this issue was meant to show that Amanda Waller isn't a cold-hearted bureaucratic leader that doesn't allow any of the death surrounding her to truly affect her. But it doesn't ring true at all. Up until this point, she has shown she craves control and power. She lies about everything and doesn't mind manipulating the criminals she works to accomplish her desired goals. She doesn't just send "volunteers" on dangerous missions where they might die; she sends many of them out knowing that they're going to die because she's ordered another member of the group to kill them. If she really felt any of the pain and sorrow and regret that her choices have caused, then she'd start making different choices. The one line she uses in this about people her never truly being free is the only hint that something is driving her to have to be in the business of death. But that's it. One line. What does she mean by "people like her"? People who feel they have no choice but to get bloody as hell to protect the world? People who love power? People with implants forcing them to make stupid decisions that go against everything they believe in? I suppose I can pretend that Amanda cares about Deadshot and the rest now but it's going to take a lot of alcohol every time I read a story with her in it.

Rogues Rebellion #4

What the fuck? Did Bane and everybody else take a time out in their Arkham War to beat the shit out of a few out-of-towners?

As the issue begins, we're (I accept all of you as my traveling companions in the World of DC's New 52. Shall we get a drink at the hostel bar before heading out? Maybe a little hanky-panky in the shared bathroom while a drunk German vomits out a lung in the stall next to us while intermittently shouting, "Her-ka! Her-ka! *BLAAAARGH*") introduced to The New 52 Royal Flush Gang. It's possible they showed up for a brief moment in Forever Evil but a lot of fucking assholes cameoed in that so forgive me if I can't quite recall. They're operating out of Atlantic City at the "Man of Steal" casino. Which looks like The Daily Planet. I get that it's just themed like Metropolis but if I were Clark Kent, I'd be a little bit worried that they might be on to my secret identity over there in Atlantic City. I bet Las Vegas runs odds on the most likely candidates for Superman's secret identity. And probably Batman and all the others. I wonder what the payout was for guessing that Dick Grayson was Nightwing? I bet the odds were near even on that bet since Bruce Wayne has got to be fucking front runner for being Batman. Odds makers don't fuck around. They know shit. They're practically mystic shaman.

Anyway, The Royal Flush Gang remind me why the cover is the way the cover is and why a bunch of psychotic assholes might actually take a moment to break from war to capture The Rogues. I forgot that The Crime Syndicate put out a hit on them. And The Royal Flush Gang wants that cash control of all gambling from coast to coast. Who the fuck is going to have time to gamble in this fucked up world run by super assholes?

The Royal Flush Gang is confusing. The guy in the throne seemed to obviously be The Ace of Spades and yet the Ace of Hearts calls him "King." Do these fuckers know how cards work?

Back in Gotham, Mirror Master learns what Mister Freeze really wants.

Silly Putty! Why didn't Plastic Man go with that name and take the lucrative product tie-in deal!?

Mirror Master chooses not to help Mister Freeze which is mostly okay because, apparently, Clayface can actually use the powers of the person he replicates if their powers are a result of a change in genetic structure. So if Clayface sucks down some of Weather Wizard's sweet, sweet DNA, then Claypuss can control the weather! Wow. Clayface can really get pretty powerful, can't he?

Meanwhile in a police impound lot, The Trickster, having been separated, meets up with a cool guy in a hoodie. He doesn't seem suspicious at all, hiding his facial features and slinking around in the dark. He's probably a priest or a doctor or something not crazy or scary at all. The Trickster thinks he's a bit creepy but what does The Trickster know? People are probably more dangerous in Central City than in Gotham.

No, no. The guy turns out to be Zsasz. I knew Talon went too easy on him over in Arkham War. Fucking Talon can't do anything right.

Who's posting pictures of Zsasz on Tumblr? Who the fuck are they shipping him with? I'd go with Ferdie. #Ferdsz

Back at the main action, Weather Wizard comes about and Heatwave tells Mister Freeze that he "ain't no Captain Cold." You're fucking telling me! I hate friggin' Mister Freeze! Taking all of Captain Cold's glory simply because Mister Freeze wound up on the big screen. And even though it was a crappy movie, it was still publicity. So now even people who don't like Batman or comic books still know who Mister Freeze is. But he doesn't deserve that kind of recognition. Not at all. Captain Cold is a fucking captain! Mister Freeze is just, like, your neighbor or something! "Oh, good morning, Mister Freeze. Nice day today, yeah?"

The fight is a bit of a stalemate when Black Mask and The Best Fucking Gang in Gotham arrive on the scene.

Seriously. Best fucking gang ever. Although they really could use a raccoon. And a kitten. At least they've got a goat. Also note how poor Clayface is, yet again, being verbally abused because of his looks.

As the Rogues are getting their asses handed to them, The Trickster arrives with their getaway vehicle. But they still can't get away until Heatwave stays behind to blow himself up in a gigantic conflagration that might kill The Bunny and maybe The Monkey but none of the really important super villains. It does, though, give the Rogues (minus Heatwave) a chance to escape. So Heatwave proves that he is a big softy and not the asshole he was trying to make me believe that he was. Too bad I don't give a shit about him or this might have been a nice moment. Also, no way in fuck is he (or Mister Freeze or Clayface or Black Mask) dead. Did I need to type that? That's obvious, right? Comic Books 101!

As the Rogues are leaving Gotham, the Royal Flush Gang catches up with them. They point out that they have The Glider and that she's going to die if The Rogues don't give themselves up to be turned over to The Crime Syndicate where they'll all die anyway. Including Glider. The Royal Flush Gang aren't very good at doing their homework though since they fly in on shiny, reflective metal cards. Which means they're all going to wind up in Mirror World in about seven seconds.

Rogues Rebellion #4 Rating: No change. Some enjoyable moments here but it felt like mostly treading water. I suppose Heatwave's sacrifice was the big moment here. And how he's once again stated his mistrust of Captain Cold. Maybe Mick is going to be out since he seemed the least able to get with the "Rogues are Family" program.

Rogues Rebellion #3

Last issue ends with Poison Ivy, so you'd think DC would have front loaded this comic with her image, probably forcing her into a Boob/Butt Showcase (but also selling a lot of copies!). Instead, they throw Man-bat on the cover and virtually assure that loads of this comic book will remain on the shelf in the Local Comic Book Store.

I know this is probably blasphemy to people who grew up in the eighties but I'm not against bringing up controversial subjects, so here it is: I think a remake of Back to the Future would be a great idea. Come on! Release it in 2015 so that the new Marty McFly goes back to 1985 when the original was set. And I suppose, if you really want to fuck up some crazy shit, don't make it a remake at all. Make it about Marty's kid and have him interact with the original Doc Brown, Christopher Lloyd, as more potentially wacky time disasters ensue. Michael J. Fox can reprise his role as Marty and his Parkinsons Syndrome can be explained as the aftereffects of all the time travel he wound up doing. It's also why he never time traveled again after the final movie. And in the same year (2015, remember?) release the next Ghostbusters, Star Wars, and Indiana Jones movies! I bet we'd see a lot of people from my generation completely lose their fucking shit!

So that's my position on a new Back to the Future movie! Go for it! You know what? Perhaps my suggestion is too run of the mill! Shit, most of what I just wrote has probably been said countless times by big fans all over the internet already! I can't help it if I don't subscribe to Potential Hollywood Movie Possibilities Weekly. Maybe they should simply hire Crispin Glover to tell the story in one long rambling shot as he paces around a stage and shows a slide show of the events via pictures he's hastily scribbled out on used napkins. I'd watch that too!

But I should probably stay away from these kinds of controversial subjects in my little comic book reading blog! I don't want to piss anybody off by expressing a version of pop culture radically different from the one they'd like to experience. I should just stick to talking about politics and religion. You know, things internet nerds care less about.

So last issue, The Rogues (minus Captain Cold, the best member of the group) found themselves in Poison Ivy's poisonous clutches! I mean venomous clutches! I think. One of those! She probably called them "boys" or something as well to get a nice emasculating dig in before she literally emasculates them. That means cutting off their members! That's why I used the word "literally!" I know the word has been watered down so much that it might have been confusing as to why I said it. You might have simply thought I meant she was going to make them admit they don't like watching football and can't stand the taste of beer from a can. But I didn't! I meant she was going to cut off their penis and testicles.

Look at her! She's so perfect here! Mister Hepburn, I will read any comic book you decide to draw. Even if it's written by Ann Nocenti.

As you may have gathered in the hems of your underwear, I appreciate comic book art that tends toward an animation style or a bit of exaggerated cartooniness. I'm not huge on photo realistic shit.

Poison Ivy points out that she knows The Crime Syndicate put a bounty on their heads but she doesn't give a fuck about that. She needs their help. Possibly in securing her part of Gotham. Maybe a little help to bring down Bane? Every ex-Arkhamite in Gotham has such wildly different plans for the city, it's hard to guess what Poison Ivy is after. Perhaps simply a garden of her own? While most of the Rogues act threatening, The Trickster decides to try a different approach: treat her like a sex object! Hey, you never know! It's best to try everything when negotiating with psychotics!

Too bad for The Trickster, Poison Ivy is not a sex object. She's the sex subject of the fucking sex sentence, bitch.

Poison Ivy now uses The Trickster as her negotiating tool (emphasis on tool!). If the Rogues don't help her, she'll just let him die from the poison. And what can they help her with? Well, she wants Weather Wizard to end the eclipse so her plants can enjoy a little bit of sunshine. Um. You do know, Miss Ivy, that "eclipses" aren't "technically" "weather"? I used a lot of quotations there because I don't know which part of that sentence was air-quote worthy. Because maybe eclipses are technically a weather phenomenon! A space weather phenomenon!

Weather Wizard points out she's crazy and maybe not very well-educated but Mirror Master believes he knows how they can move the moon! I bet his plan, like some crazed magician (I don't know why I used the adjective "crazed" there!), isn't to move the moon at all! But to use mirrors to make it seem like the moon has moved! I think Mirror Master would be a lousy name for a stage magician because you're giving the secret away right up front.

Somewhere in the next few pages I read (possibly the very next page, actually), Mirror Master (as he and Heatwave look for a Waynetech Warehouse for parts) reveals that his plan is, in fact, to create a series of mirrors to shine the sun on Ivy's Garden. I was going to scan the part where he reminds Heatwave of the plan but then the panel after that seemed like a much better choice to scan.

I don't know what this is about yet.

Oh, never mind. It was just The Ventriloguist with a couple of new dolls. I wonder if they're related to Ferdie?

Poison Ivy and Weather Wizard remain behind to watch over Trickster and chat a bit. One of the best parts about this Rogues Rebellion crossover series is that Buccellato gets a nice place to expand on the Rogues and their characters without taking time away from The Flash in his own book. Plus, Captain Cold is always overshadowing the rest of them, so it's nice to get the others away from him for awhile as well. Also, just pretend I said something silly in this paragraph to make up for the fact that I almost spoke intelligently about this comic book but then only did so in sweeping generalizations because thinking is hard.

Mirror Master and Heatwave have their own little moment as well.

Oh Heatwave! You big softy! Your actions betray you. You're actually laying your life on the line by helping out The Trickster which means you just don't want to feel the guilt and responsibility of one of your friends dying to save you! So cute!

While searching for parts to create a new Mirror Gun, Mirror Master and Heatwave make a god-awful racket. I don't want to lay the blame on either one of them particularly but if you had me at knife point with your dick out and told me I'd have to suck your dick if I didn't give up who was at fault, I'd say, "Mmmm! *gobble gobble suck suck drink* Mmmmm! Wait, what did you say? Why are you holding that knife?"

So anyway, a loud noise occurs through random happenstance and not at all from carelessness which causes the Men-Bats to come investigating because they have super awesome hearing and maths skills which allow them to hear a noise and triangulate the exact location of the noise. Unless they can only do that with their echo location? Oh, who cares! I don't believe in evolution anyway! So bats just hear good cause God gave them big ears.

I see they take after Batman in more ways than one. I bet the number one injury to children in Gotham City is from stepping on broken glass.

Halfway through the issue and Mirror Master doesn't even have his gun built yet! I don't think Poison Ivy is going to get her patch of sun this issue. I hope The Trickster can hold out for another month.

Heatwave and Mirror Master defeat the Men-bats although Heatwave gets pretty fucked up. And even when he's down and feeling like he might die, he still calls out for Mirror Master to help him. Because he knows his friend is there for him and that he would be there for Mirror Master. I think. Maybe Heatwave really is a gigantic selfish prick?! Perhaps I should take people at face value and accept the things they say instead of trying to analyze what they really mean. Because when I'm analyzing somebody, what I'm really doing is conflating who I think they should be. I have no real idea what's going on in anybody else's mind! So why give them the benefit of the doubt when they tell me they're an asshole? If you say you're an asshole, who am I to argue?!

Mirror Master and Heatwave take care of the Men-bats so quickly that they still have plenty of time to save Ivy's garden!

Mirror Master's plan works as he uses the mirrors on a satellite to bring sunlight through the Mirror World and out on to Ivy's garden. But Mirror Master is almost lost and The Trickster (who Ivy cured before the plan was put into action) flies into the Mirror World to save Mirror Master. The point being, the sunlight only lasts for a short time and Poison Ivy isn't particularly happy with the results. That's too bad! I would have liked the idea of Poison Ivy having a nice shiny patch of sun in the middle of Gotham! Although I'm sure as soon as Ultraman heard about it, he'd send Johnny Quick in to bust the mirror and put an end to all the happy, shiny nonsense.

Poison Ivy turns on the Rogues but it doesn't really matter much since the blast of sunlight has attracted the attention of a Man-bat and Mister Freeze.

Oh, and Claypuss.

I once wore my Captain Cold costume (just the top half with the hoodie. Okay, maybe the glasses too) to my old job at Academic Book Center about ten years ago. Everybody's first guess as to who I was? Yep. Mister Freeze. Fuck you, Arnold and that shitty portrayal that brought Mister Freeze to the forefront of everybody's minds when they think of cold based villains! At least I think his portrayal was shitty. You know what? I've never seen Batman and Robin! I should rectify that. Emphasis on the rectify! Because the movie sounds like rectum!

Rogues Rebellion #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. While Forever Evil's Villains Month probably had more misses than hits, the several mini-series that have come out of that event have been fun reads. Even ARGUS! Who'd have thought?! Fucking Steve Trevor isn't a guy I would ever be interested in reading about regularly. But I do like seeing him get his ass beat by Deathstroke. Also, I discovered another artist that I really enjoy! Nice job, Scott Hepburn!