Superman #22

Jon needs to learn to eat his Popsicles faster.

Some weird shit is going down in Hamilton County and I just figured out what it is! Rorschach's disintegrated atoms probably came to rest in the soil! So now it's all, "I'm not trapped out on the farm with you. You're trapped out on the farm with this cow's disgusting milk and a weird house in the swamp. Oh, and me!"

This issue begins with Lois Lane reminding me of a traumatic moment in my life.

I get it, Pat and Pete. You guys are sadistic assholes who don't want anybody to forget the murder of Goldie. Unless you're going to bring Goldie back from the dead, can you just stop reminding me of the death of my best friend? I mean the death of Goldie!

Since Batman is locked in a freezer covered in rotting cow's milk, Lois Lane is the only capable investigator left in Hamilton County. She heads out to solve the Mystery of the Whatever The Hell Is Going The Fuck On. If anybody can solve it and possibly fall out of a helicopter while doing so and have to be rescued by Superman, it's Lois Lane!

During her investigation, Lois stumbles upon a bank of monitors set up in the basement of the Hamilton Town Hall. On every monitor are images of Jon at different points across his life. Even at times before they were living in Hamilton County! Is this is a new mystery or can I just stick it under the general heading of the Whatever The Hell Is Going The Fuck On Mystery? See, it was pretty smart to name it so loosely, right?! You were probably thinking, "That title would never sell a single Goddamned Nancy Drew novel, you stupid cunt." Whoa, whoa! Why so hostile, imaginary reader? Sheesh! Bring it down a notch.

That King Arthur movie still looks fucking stupid.

Is this a modern retelling where King Arthur's a hipster living in a gentrified neighborhood in Portland and pulls Excalibur out of a Marantz 6370Q turntable? It would explain the "from nothing comes a king" tagline.

Lois is discovered discovering the town's secret of knowing her family's secret. She rushes home to find the leaders of the town in her living room acting ominously. That was the opposite of hyperbole! I don't know the word for that because I rarely ever find it useful!

Lois escapes the weird town elders by slipping on her Batman Doomsday Glove and blasting the fuck out of them. Then the Batmobile pulls up to rescue her and she gets away. The Batmobile suggests killing the fuck out of the people chasing her and Lois is all, "Hells yeah, bitches!" So then missiles blast a bunch of town folk and the Lois Lane runs one of them over and somewhere Superman and Batman weep heroically. I'm guessing Lois Lane realized these town elders weren't really human, what with the being able to survive giant squid attacks and being able to be seemingly everywhere at once. Otherwise, Lois Lane had better find a good lawyer who knows their way around a murder in self-defense trial.

Lois Lane is finally stopped by Mr. Cobb the Dairy Farmer. That confrontation will have to happen in a later issue because it's time for the big surprise reveal of what Superman found in the House of Mystery in Deadman's Swamp! He stumbles upon a huge ship underground. Deep within it, he finds Batman, Robin, some criminal clowns, Frankenstein, and Lady Frankenstein all stuck in a bunch of vacuum tubes. Unless they're Bacta Tanks. I guess they didn't get every piece of Candice the Alien when they blew her up a number of issues ago. I'm pretty sure that was made explicit during that issue but hell if I can remember that far back! It's not like I remember she was called Kroog and she was capable of reforming from even a single misplaced bit of herself. Based on the black goo everywhere, it's possible a whole bunch of Kroog (or Kroog as a whole bunch of parts of itself?) have created a Kroog haven here on Earth. It's also possible it's different aliens altogether.

The Ranking!
You know what? Fuck ranking comic books. If you can't tell I liked a comic book, what does it matter? That's never been the point of this blog and I only stapled it into place on the finished product because people seem to expect that kind of thing. Maybe live with the ambiguity and uncertainty of whether or not I actually liked a comic book I read and made fun of! Maybe don't rely so much on other people's stupid opinions (even if those stupid opinions are coming from a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader). Maybe just enjoy this diatribes for what they are: a huge waste of everybody's time!

Trinity #8

The Truth About Superman? Is the story about Ra's, Circe, and Lex over already? Did I miss it because it was so boring?

The Review!
The best thing about this comic book being written by Cullen Bunn is that I won't mind dropping it.

Nothing happens this issue. Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman discuss a recurring dream Superman has been having and then decide not to tell anybody else about it. Wow. I think I fucking jizzed my pants over that revelation. On top of nothing happening this issue, I didn't even get to find out what's going on with Ra's, Circe, and Lex! I especially wanted to find out why Lex is being included in "the biggest foes of the Trinity" when he's not a fucking villain anymore! Oh well. I guess it doesn't matter since that story just disappeared into the ether. But at least we got a boring story about Superman discussing a dream where he fights himself!

The Ranking!
-5! What a fucking huge waste of time. I hope the anonymous person who totally isn't Cullen Bunn but loves to tell me why Cullen Bunn's comics are super awesome lets me know why this one was so intelligent and well written!

At least, as always, Emanuela's art was nice to look at!

Superman #21

I guess this creature's name is Black Dawn?

The Review!
No change! Apparently there was a mystery happening in this comic book that I wasn't aware of until it deepened like crazy this issue. Batman's still missing (which is a mystery I knew about!) so he doesn't solve the new mystery instantly. He may already have solved it but since he's in the Dairy Farmer's walk-in freezer right now, he can't explain it to anybody. The mystery of all mysteries is who the fuck is the Dairy Farmer and his daughter and their cow Bessie?! Are they New Gods?! Watchmen? Sex cyborgs? Apparently they're somehow keeping Jon's powers in check so that he doesn't hurt himself. But they have powers of their own. Like the Dairy Farmer can look deep into a dog's eyes and make it fall in love. And the daughter can make heat vision beams miss her completely while strangling Damian without using her hands. And Bessie the cow can make milk that Spider-man once wore as his costume in the nineties until it turned on him. So that's some weird shit that's going down in Hamilton County.

Another weird thing is the house in Deadman's Swamp. I'm still hoping it's the House of Mystery since this story is all about mysteries. At the end of this issue, Superman heads off to investigate it.

In other news, somebody on Tumblr was upset that I tagged my Batwoman review with the Batwoman tag because the content wasn't to their liking. It always amuses me when young people think they have the rules to the Internet and other people should act exactly as they do. The Superboy fandom once got on my dick about my Superboy tags too, a long time ago. They didn't like that I was mocking Superboy because it was written so terribly. They would rather believe that no matter what shitty writer was writing Superboy, everybody should still say nice things about him. But that's what's ruining comic books! You have to speak out loudly against shitty writers even if it means mocking your favorite characters! You can't just love them unconditionally or else you'll spend years reading Teen Titans comic books written by Scott Lobdell! And you'll fucking deserve it too!

Trinity #6

Just in case you were wondering who the Trinity were (and you couldn't read more words than "Trinity" (I'm sure that's a thing!)), here they are on the cover!

The Review
Francis Manapul came up with this analogy concerning life and walls. He decided to make it into a story. The analogy went something like this: we build walls around us to keep out dangerous people, probably because our mother was overprotective. Even rock stars do it! But the walls also keep out good and kind people! So they're not really as great as we think they are. Francis thought, "Okay, okay! That's a great start. But what's the lesson?" Then he came up with the lesson after writing six issues. The lesson was that the walls, even though they protect our delicate psyches and fragile bodies, don't need to be knocked down completely. You just need one crack to let in the light! Hooray! Everything is better now and the judge that is actually a giant asshole can no longer tell you that you can't eat your pudding!

I bet Francis was super jazzed about this story idea until walls became associated with idiotic presidential claims. Now people will read Francis's wall analogy and think, "Yeah! Walls keep out the danger and keep us safe! Life is so much better! But I'm not too sure I like that idea about the crack in the wall. Won't some Mexicans get through that?!"

This was a mediocre comic book trying a new riff on the Pinocchio story. White Mercy has become a real girl because she learned all about loyalty from Wonder Woman, joy from Superman, and incapacitating obsession from Batman. Although, since her father is Mongul, it's probably her severe Daddy Issues that enabled her to become real in the DC Universe.

The Ranking!
No change!

Trinity #4

This cover is perilously close to an upskirt. It would explain Wonder Woman's stance.

It's time for Wonder Woman's Black Mercy dream where she learns the true power of the uterus! Unless she learns the true weakness of the prostate. Man that thing is weak. It's basically the part of the machine that would have had a factory recall if God fucking gave a shit after Day Six. I mean, God did give a shit after Day Six in that "I'm going to punish the fuck out of these things I've created" kind of way. But it's odd that God never went back to do an edit of Their original work. It's as if God thought They were too perfect to have made any mistakes. That doesn't sound like a perfect God at all! A perfect God would have double-checked Their work a number of times before declaring it was finished.

Although, if you think about Genesis for even half a second more than most Christians who are expressly told what to think about it (which is, coincidentally, exactly half a second), you have an example of God actually having a second go at creating something. First God creates humans and tells them to go forth and multiply. That's all of us non-Jewish heathen monsters (don't believe everybody was killed in Noah's flood! He wasn't the only fucking boat builder in the ancient world)! But then God was all, "You know what? I can make mankind better!" That's when God made Adam and Eve. Notice God didn't tell them to go forth and multiply. God practically told them exactly the opposite! God was all, "Don't learn about fucking, you dum-dums." And they were all, "What's fucking?" And God was all, "That tree wearing all black and smoking over in the corner can tell you. Don't hang out with that tree. Bad influence, that." So, really, the Jewish people are Humans 2.0. They were made from the Earth itself so it's like they're organic humans. All the other humans are like plastic containers.

I don't know how I got from Wonder Woman to gentiles are plastic containers. All I know is that I can't discuss our government trying to burn this country to the ground on this blog anymore. It's fucking killing me (not literally like it's going to be fucking killing minorities, first by not letting refugees into the country, second, possibly, by the government's own hands) but my brain can't be in that space all the time. I have the luxury for it not to be and maybe all this blog can be is be a momentary distraction or a brief respite from the monstrous decisions our "representatives" are making. Also from the idiots who seemingly have no problem with it like this person from my Twitter feed who is only on my Twitter feed because he's a cousin of the Non-Certified Spouse: "If Trump was the fascist dictator some claim, he wouldn't build a wall, he would just invade or annex Mexico". So that seems to be the ground where Trump Defenders are making their stand. "I can't argue logically or rationally about the horrible actions of his first week, so let's get into the semantics of the term 'fascist dictator.'" Go fuck yourself.

Okay, back to the comic books and stupid jokes now. If I feel the need to point out that we civilians will pay the price of our government's actions when the rest of the world has to bomb the shit out of us because we're endangering the world with our terrible anti-everybody-else stance backed by a shit-megaton of nukes, I'll be doing it over on Twitter.

I don't think Diana knows how dreams work.

Dreams have a point of view. And as the protagonist of the dream (whether you're you or somebody else), you are in control of your thoughts and actions. They might not be the same actions you would choose while awake, or they may be stranger thoughts than you're used to having but they all come from your point of view as the protagonist of the dream. What you generally aren't "in control of" is the plot or the locale or the non-player characters. A dream doesn't have to be lucid for the person to be in control of their "character." Lucid just means you're aware that you're dreaming and can then take advantage of dream rules while ignoring the props and backdrop your subconscious has laid out before you. I frequently have sexual dreams where the person I'm about to get intimate with is not the Non-Certified Spouse. Sometimes in the dream, I'll be all, "I can't be doing this! I'm Non-Certifiably Married!" and it ruins the dream. Other times, I think, "Oh wait! This is just a dream! Up periscope, baby!" And sometimes, I'll just not know about my real-life relationships and I'll fuck the vampire until the sun reaches the vampire's head and we climax in a burst of flames!

Shut up. You have weird sex dreams too! Probably!

For some reason, this reminds me of my first sexual experience.

Superman's Black Mercy dream was to see his father live. Batman's Black Mercy dream was to see his father die. And now Wonder Woman's Black Mercy dream is to find out the truth about her home and where she came from and whether or not the Amazons really did rape pirates. Probably not since Greg Rucka is in charge of the Amazon's past now. That guy isn't as keen on rape as Azzarello and Wolfman. I don't actually think Azzarello is keen on rape. Notice I didn't qualify what I think about Wolfman's views.

The Trinity wind up on Themyscira where they're confronted by Amazons.

So it's kind of like some dialect you have heard before? Thanks for the non-information, Batjerk.

Dream Diana saves Real Diana from the Amazons and the Amazons are all, "Fucking kids. You think you're so wise by stopping bloodshed! Pshaw! You'll soon learn!" Then Diana grows up and learns to kill because adults are just tired of dealing with shit. The end.

That wasn't the end of the comic book! That was the end of my side story about growing up! This story continues in the real world where Lois Lane didn't not hit Poison Ivy and her son with the truck when she crashed into the barn. Remember how last issue ended and I was all, "It’s just luck that she doesn’t run them over." Well, um....

Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! Sort of. I mean, well, you know. I totally thought this is what should have happened!

So now Poison Ivy is probably crippled for life thanks to Lois's reckless driving through barn walls. I wanted to spell reckless as "wreckless" because that just seems more correct. I hope Lois remembers to get Poison Ivy to a hospital after this. I'm sure she has internal injuries and a possible skull fracture. Jon is fine though because Poison Ivy pushed him out of the way. She's a hero! A hero in a permanently vegetative state. That's a plant pun! I think!

Poison Ivy takes a hit from a car as well as I do because she's immediately up and punching Lois Lane in the kisser. I didn't punch the woman who hit me with her car but I did jump immediately back up and stand in front of her car so she didn't take off. Jerko hit-and-run monsters! Portland is full of them.

Back on Dream Themyscira, Queen Hippolyta proposes a challenge for the Super Friends. They must prove themselves in the arena! I don't know what they're trying to prove. That they have a right to be on the island? Because if that's what they're trying to prove, Superman and Batman will fail the Penis Challenge.

Luckily for Batman and Superman, the Penis Challenge doesn't take place. I suppose it's not needed since their costumes leave nothing to the imagination anyway. My guess is Batman is circumcised and Superman had multiple attempted circumcisions which ended up in the Kents having to bury another mohel in the field so he doesn't spread word about their uncuttable superbaby.

Wonder Woman is allowed to stay on the island but the men must go to the Dark Quarters. Hippolyta doesn't even ask them if they're men. She just sees the penises through the tight suits and assumes they're men. How ancient way of thinking of them!

Anyway, Wonder Woman chooses to go with her male allies into the Dark Quarters. That's like her dream subconscious where she'll discover the thing she needs to discover thanks to the Black Mercies. Young Dream Diana also manages to go with them, against the wishes of her mother.

The Super Friends make their way deeper into their subconscious worlds where they're attacked by something that is longer than it is wide. It's a sea serpent, you Freudian pervert!

The Super Friends are swallowed by the sea serpent and taken even deeper! Now they're in the sub-subconscious! It's full of lots and lots of things that are longer than they are wide!

Technically this is Diana's sub-subconscious. Apparently all she thinks about are penises. That's what happens when you're raised in a culture that bans them!

As you can see from the scan above, Batjerk has more thoughts on the dialect. But I guess those will have to wait.

Diana spends the next two pages chopping up the longer than they are wide things. I squirm unpleasantly while reading it.

When Diana hacks her way out of the sea serpent, she finds herself face-to-face with Mongul! What a shock! To nobody who reads comic books. I suppose it was a shock to the fake geek girls and the totally real geek boys who just happen to not know about Mongul's connection to the Black Mercies (which is totally understandable). The real surprise twist ending is that Mongul's daughter has come up with this plan. His daughter!? Mongul has a daughter!

I hope this revelation that Mongul has a daughter is brand new so that I don't look like one of those totally real geek boys who just happens to have a blindspot in my geek knowledge (which is totally forgivable). I suppose Mongul is still in the Phantom Zone so he had to have his daughter's help from the outside. Unless Mongul got out since Warworld got out. I have no idea what is going on anymore! Fucking Rebirth! It's like continuity is whatever anybody wants it to be! As if some naked blue nuclear man were altering reality in whatever way pleases him the most.

The Ranking!
+1! Mostly because I love me some Emanuela Lupacchino art!

Superwomans #4

Do women who fuck put "woman" in their super-name while the others use "girl"?

Fuck this comic book. The entire comic book was Lana Lang walking around talking to the ghost of New 52 Lois Lane and saying things like, "You're not here! You're a ghost! I need my medication!" But the ghost spent the whole time not exactly saying she's not a figment of Lana Lang's imagination so Lois might be in the same fourth dimensional prison as Lex Luthor. Who can tell? Not me! I was too angry at every word that didn't advance the plot to pay attention. Which is weird because usually I like when stories spend time building characters through slow moments and dialogue. It's just I'd rather not have that dialogue be with a ghost and most of it concerned with being refutations of the current experience. I had enough of this shit with twenty issues of Doctor Fate!

What Did We Learn?
We learned I have no patience for this grief bullshit masquerading as entertainment. I have no patience for Lana Lang dealing with mental illness and grief and relationship troubles and Lena Luthor and some overarching scheme that is so confusing a character named Traci 13 shows up to not explain it very well. I suppose I don't recognize Traci 13 because she was created in 2003 which is right around when I stopped reading comic books and entered The Great Hiatus. I have no patience for the city of Portland that completely shuts down because of a foot of snow because the city refuses to plow or ice the streets and just leaves thoroughfares covered in cobblestone ice. I need to get out of this house!

The Ranking!
No change because I realize I'm probably not in the right frame of mind to judge anything. Except the art. The art by Emanuela Lupacchino is top notch.

New Titans #96 (April 1993)

Red Star’s new haircut is terrible.

The writing and the art which have kept me uninterested in continuing to read New Titans comic books stubbornly refuses to improve. But The New Titans have decided to go all in on the relationship drama overshadowing any actual crime fighting. It’s one thing to have a school of mutants who spend all of their time wondering who likes whom; it’s totally another when the intended reason for the Titans is to make the world a better place. Instead Garfield is involved in a love triangle with Jillian and Tara. Dick is involved in a love triangle with Starfire and Mirage. Red Star and the last descendant of Anastasia of Russia almost fell in love but then she went and killed Red Star’s father right in front of him. Sarah Charles has been pleasuring herself with a much cheaper machine than she normally uses because Cyborg has become a useless hunk of metal. Pantha isn’t worried about any relationships; she’s too busy chasing squirrels, rats, and chipmunks.

I suppose Red Star saves Boris Yeltsin’s life in this issue but who really considers Red Star a Teen Titan? Why didn’t he get his own mini-series for this story? I certainly never cared about his exploits and I certainly don’t care about his transformation to Solar Flare.

The Teen Titans are really limping to their 100 Issue-versary!

Superwomans #3

Stupidly happy while reclining on a cloud? Shouldn't she be sitting on Lois's corpse?

Knock knock?
Who's there?
Another female superhero with anxiety!
Another female superhero with anxiety who?
Another female superhero with anxiety who is also ashamed of taking medication for a mental issue who also has a judgmental boyfriend who constantly admonishes her for the choices she makes!

The Ranking!
-1! Well, it took longer than I thought for me to stop giving a shit about a super-powered Lana Lang comic book. Three whole issues! I was probably too distracted by the super-powered Lois Lane in the first issue and then I was too overwhelmed by the onslaught of words in all of the issues to realize how much I never wanted to read about super-powered Lana Lang. It's already bad enough that she's just another genius (along with her boyfriend and her niece) in the DC Universe. Nobody seems to know how to write a really intelligent character. They just label the character genius so that they can get away with the character being able to do anything the plot demands if the character is to succeed. Hell, Jason Todd even hacked LexCorps in just a few minutes in Red Hood because he knew a genius! And if Lana Lang, her boyfriend, and her boyfriend's niece aren't enough geniuses for you, have I got good news for you! Lex Luthor is also in this comic book! But mostly his genius is used to show how even more genius his sister, Lena Luthor, has become! Geniuses everywhere! Oh, plus that thing about Lana Lang suddenly developing some kind of mental disorder. Oh! And she's dying! So major drama there, I guess?

At least Atomic Skull wasn't a genius! I felt bad for him though because Lana called him weird. That was rude. I was hoping she would kiss him on his lips. I mean the part of the skull where his lips should be. What's going on with the rest of his body? Is it normal? A purple flaming skeleton? How does he get busy with the atomic ladies?

Oh! P.S. Lena Luthor is now bald and wearing Lex's green and purple battle suit. Plus she's constantly surrounded by a battalion of Bizarronesses. So this comic book is at least trying to be somewhat sexy.

New Titans #94 (January 1993)

Ha ha! Get it? A few days to kill! Smoking!

“Smoking!” or “I’m smoking!” is how my friend Doom Bunny and I tag any pun-based or sort of stupid humor. It comes from this kid John who was one of the younger kids at the Junior Theater where Doom Bunny worked doing lights and I volunteered to help backstage. During the Wizard of Oz, we were testing the smoke machine for the Great Oz scene and John kept running into the smoke and miming as if he had a cigarette and yelling, “I’m smoking!” I want to say we made the mistake of laughing which encouraged him to keep doing it but the fact that he kept doing it was what made it so great so it wasn’t a mistake to laugh at all! Christ. That was over twenty years ago and we still say it. I wonder if John has gotten any funnier?

The reason I told that story was to pad out this review of New Titans #94. There’s not a lot to say about it. Phil Jimenez’s art is terrible in that way that some people would think it isn’t terrible even though it is. And the story is bland. I don’t want to blame Louise Simonson for the blandness though! She was given Red Star and Cyborg to work with so how exciting could she have made it? Especially since Cyborg is mostly brain dead.

This story is at least a two-parter which seems a bit absurd given that it’s probably just meant to get Cyborg back to his old self. I suppose that was so Marv could take a bit of a break from this series so he could decompress and find himself after being manipulated by and forced to write pseudo-X-men stories by Jon Peterson for so many years.

Harley Quinn and her Gang of Harleys #5

The palm tree and coconuts as penis and testicles was so hilarious that it needed to be stuck on the cover for added hilarity.

The Things!
• Don't fucking bring me down today, Internet! I'll fucking kick you!

• Harley Quinn and her Gang of Harleys isn't over yet so I guess I'll say a few things about it before completely forgetting every single thing I said about it and every single thing I read in it and, in a few months, that it was ever even a thing.

• The issue begins with Harley Sinn whining about her shitty childhood. Not that her childhood was shitty. But she made it shitty because she insisted on her parents paying attention to her. Such weakness! I wish I was raised by maids, cooks, and butlers!

• Harley Sinn's father is named Dick Brand. I guess he's a caricature of Donald Trump but that doesn't matter because the story isn't actually saying anything. He was just a rich guy that didn't love his wife and neglected his daughter. Except for the rich part, that could describe all the fathers!

• The Gang of Harleys are fighting robots so Frank Tieri has Big Tony mention the Terminator and Linda Hamilton. Because 80% of Frank Tieri's writing is just references to pop culture.

• Harley Sinn's sob story continues. I don't give a shit about her.

• To defeat the robots, the Gang of Harleys lead them through the Eggy Minefield. The mines all blow up on the robots and destroy them even though two of the three robots were flying.

• Harley Sinn falls in love with her new step-sister which isn't gross at all. It's totally normal. Weren't all the Brady Kids fucking around with each other too?

• The Gang of Harleys eventually find Harley Quinn stuck up a tree with Mutant Goats trying to eat her. So Harvey uses one of Robot Power Girl's boob rockets to kill them all.

Ha ha! I get it! Feeding time! Because it's a boob! And boobs feed kids! And young goats are kids!

After being rescued, Harley Quinn decides to stay on the island so she can kick Harley Sinn's ass. But Harley Sinn has hired a bunch of mercenaries to chase down Harley Quinn and kill her! Actually, she didn't hire them at all. She decided to hold a contest with a single prize payout. So she's really just wasting most of their time. Why would they even apply for this job when 99% of the people hired aren't going to get paid? Harley Sinn really is her father's daughter.

Final Thoughts!
This comic book wasn't too good to begin with and it's just getting worse. Once again, DC Comics decides to make a mini-series six issues because that's the proper length of a trade paperback instead of allowing this series to be over in four issues since that's all the story that's really here. I wonder if DC was hoping Harley Sinn would become their next huge hit? I bet whoever thought of her walked into a pitch meeting and said, "Imagine this: Harley Quinn crossed with Lobo!" Then everybody's eyeballs turned into dollar signs. I hope she's completely forgotten after this series ends. She's terrible and her origin is terrible and I'm tired of reading Harley Quinn comic books!

Supergirl Rebirth #1

This is not the end I'm excited to see back!

The Review!
Tonight while playing Call of Duty, a friend of my cousin's thirteen year old son joined our chat. His gamer tag was Marshall Law or something. At one point, he said, "Reading Rainbow," and my friend KCBlueGal began singing the theme song. So he said, "Ha ha! You're old! It was an old trap! You're old!" Which is, you know, annoying because he joined our party and should have some manners. So I said, "You already fell into the young trap by being an idiot." So then he kept bothering everybody to play another game and my cousin's son told him he'd play with him after the game we were playing. So finally we finished and my cousin's son said, "Okay, let's go play whatever," and he left the party leaving his friend. So I said, "Yeah, go sit around and say 'der' to each other." So Marshall said, "You're mean and I don't like you!" before leaving the party. I wanted to tell him, "You started it!", but then remembered I was supposed to be the old one. So instead I felt some accomplishment in knowing the lyrics to Reading Rainbow's theme song. Also in mocking a young kid! I think I probably mostly felt accomplishment in that! He was pretty fucking annoying. And ageist too! Oh, um, Supergirl is going to be totally awesome because it takes place in high school and high school drama is the best drama. Often it involves teenagers mocking adults which is totally hilarious! I mean, um, when it happens to other adults. My feelings are still hurt even if I put up a tough front. Oh! Marshall also said he'd rather be an idiot and young than old! I can't wait until he's an old idiot! Ha ha! Except then I'll probably be dead. Dammit! He wins again!

The Commentary!
Finally! Supergirl's bum is back! And it's going to be drawn by Lupacchino! At least in this first issue. Judging by the art in the Supergirl advertisements, it'll definitely be somebody else who is going to draw her butt too cartoony to be sexy. If that's true, I hope Emmanuela takes every opportunity she can to draw some sexy close-ups of Supergirl's bum!

This comic book is probably going to be its own thing and not a clone of the television series because this isn't the Supergirl comic book being written by Sterling Gates that's based on the television show. But DC is keeping it close enough so that fans of the television show won't be confused when they pick this up. They might be a little concerned that Eliza Danvers, Supergirl's mom, is the one working for the DEO instead of her sister. But they'll probably seen DEO Director Cameron Chase and think, "Oh? Didn't Charisma Carpenter play her in the show? But she wasn't director? Is that really Martian Manhunter under those boobs?"

Supergirl lost her powers at the same time Superman did because...well, I don't want to remember that. It was a dark time in the Superman Mythos which was stupid and stupider. It's better if we all just quietly agree to never mention it again. This issue begins with the DEO firing Supergirl into the sun in the hopes that it will restore her powers. And I imagine it'll work or else this comic book wouldn't be called "Rebirth." It would probably be called "Oops!"

Kara's father is also a DEO agent who isn't dead at all. Their names are Jeremiah and Eliza Danvers and they probably won't survive this issue. Supergirl's ship is using some kind of "Phantom" drive so you know what that means! Lars Lars-on, the horrible monster from Argo City with the Red Kryptonite problem who was locked away in the Phantom Zone, will probably return to cause trouble and not understand what socialism actually is.

Lars Lars-on arrives to blame the wrong people for his current situation. Also, he seems to be a Kryptonian Werewolf.

As Werewolf Lars Lars-on tears the DEO seventeen new assholes, Supergirl flies into the sun and doesn't die. The experiment worked! She's free to flash that bum all over the world again!

I hope Lars Lars-on doesn't just kill Supergirl's parents. I hope it remembers to kill Mike-hole the girlfriend stealing dickpoo too.

Supergirl manages to travel from the sun to the Earth in about ten seconds which isn't enough time for Lars Lars-on to murder her parents. Now how is she supposed to learn about great power and great responsibility and justice! She might as well just learn about hugs and compassion and peace and love! Ptui!

Luckily for Lars Lars-on, his monster tongue enables him to speak rudimentary Kryptonian so Kara is able to calm him down by speaking reasonably with him and in a reassuring tone. She hardly punches him at all! What is this? Some kind of peace and love freak out?! What kind of superhero talks to the bad guys and clears up miscommunications through reasonable means and rational dialogue? Harrumph!

I do like that Kara is wearing a skirt again instead of that weird Kryptonian diaper she wore in The New 52.

Supergirl resists killing the Kryptonian Werewolf just like every werewolf hunter ever should do. And instead of sending him to The Phantom Zone because nobody can think of a solution that keeps the full moon from shining on him once every thirty days, Kara decides he can live in the basement of the DEO until they find him a cure. It's also possible they shoved him in a plastic bubble and medically induced a coma. Hopefully that's not what happened because that's practically just like being in the Phantom Zone.

Kara's parents have only been her parents for a couple of weeks but it's now their job to teach her how to be human. Good! She needs it! Up until now, she thought punching people in the face was an appropriate way to greet them! Maybe she'll also learn that fwashing her vagina at every super villain that comes along is sure to give her a bad reputation...as the most fun party hero in the DC Universe! I guess with her new DEO Family, Supergirl's stories won't be like every third Twilight Zone Episode: all about loneliness.

Based on the pacing of the New 52 Supergirl series, I can see it taking place in just a few months. Now how that fits into the rest of The New 52 continuity, I'm not going to understand even if I try to guess at it which I won't because continuity criticism is for nerds.

Supergirl is now beginning her new life as Kara Danvers, age 16, sophomore at National City Technical High School! She is going to fwash so many guys! And hopefully some girls too!

Meanwhile on the ruins of Argo City, Cyborg Superman displays a penchant for robot necrophilia. I think.

Because this is the end of my commentary, this is usually where I post a picture of Supergirl's rear end and call it a bum. But since Emanuela failed to draw even one shot of Supergirl's bum this issue, here is Cameron Chase's instead.

New Titans Annual #8 (1992)

In this issue, the Titans prove they’re not a threat to the people of New York when they’re targeted by Eclipso and cause a lot of destruction battling him to save their own lives. Hmm, I might have meant the opposite of not a threat.

On the other hand, Councilwoman Alderman decides the best way to stop the destruction of New York by people attacking the Titans on a near constant basis is to attack the Titans and cause a bunch of destruction of New York. Alderman for mayor!

Nightwing is only as smart as the writer writing him. Unfortunately in this scene, that writer is Marv Wolfman.

Titans Hunt #8

At first I thought there were two Nightwings on the cover. Now I'm positive there are two Nightwings on the cover.

The Review or Whatever!
I don't understand why I've been so disappointed with Titans Hunt. How can a person be disappointed by a team of superheroes that they've never really liked before? I suppose I still have some vestigial feelings left over from thinking that maybe I liked the Teen Titans back in the 1980s. That was also when I learned the word "vestigial" so I might be using it incorrectly. At the beginning of the 1980s, I was listening to Lionel Richie and Billy Joel. By the end of the 1980s, I was listening to Slayer and Metallica. I blame that on picking up my sister's Blizzard of Ozz tape and listening to it over and over and over again. Maybe that wouldn't have stuck so much if not for also liking a girl who I thought liked Alice Cooper but then finding out she didn't really know anything about his music after I discovered I couldn't get enough of it. Also it was junior high and high school and I was looking for a way to not be bothered by anybody ever and it seemed being into metal was a good way disappear into the background. Also, have you listened to Mr. Crowley? How could you not become an instant fan of Ozzy Osbourne after listening to that song? Although even in the late 1980s after my transformation, I'd still punch a bitch in the throat if they talked over Lionel Richie's "Hello".

The one thing I can't figure out about Titans Hunt? Whose dad is Mister Twister? He must be the father of one of these Teen Titans because the only time they get into huge conflicts is when their parents come to town. Okay, sometimes they have to battle their children from the future too. But mostly it's their father or some other close relative. One day, Trigon will wander in from Azarath or wherever to punch them all in the junk, the next day, it'll be Douchéstork the Terminator. Then a few days after that, Mento flips the fuck out before everybody has to rush off to Tamaran to beat down Starfire's sister. Then Donna Troy's foster family begins coming around looking for handouts before Cyborg's grandparents come around and...oh, you know what! Cyborg's grandparents never caused any trouble! Way to go, Cyborg, for having dead parents and cool grandparents! You were the best Titan of all!

So will the big reveal in this issue be that Mister Twister is Bumblebee's estranged father? Probably!

When did Second Nightwing get Laser Eyes?

Mister Twister doesn't seem to be the main enemy. He's the John the Baptist to the evil fuck's Jesus. I don't yet know who the evil fuck is but I'm guessing, as you may have guessed, that it's one of the Titans' mothers or fathers or second cousins twice-removed, whatever that means. I think what that means is a cousin you can do oral with.

The Teen Titans need to rally together to stop Mister Twister's plan from working so Nightwing comes up with one: semantics! They'll defeat Mister Twister with semantics! If he can only open the portal because the Teen Titans remember being the Teen Titans, then they'll point out that they aren't teens anymore! They're adults! They have new names even! So how can they still be used to open the portal when they aren't called Speedy or Robin or Wondergirl or the fish guy anymore?!

Garth? I think you mean Second Nightwing.

Sometimes I wonder if I'd enjoy comic books more if I were less cynical and more earnest. But then I remember how much I love cynically reading comic books and pointing out how stupid they are. Not that the Titans winning a battle by pointing out they've changed their names isn't the most amazing thing I've ever read! Because it's, like, a metaphor or something! It's so powerful! It's like Dick Grayson isn't a little boy anymore. He's all grown up and better than Batman and he's had sexual relationships and everything! I think this is like that moment in It when all the little kids have sex so that they can escape from the innocence of their childhood which was what made them victims in the first place. Except it's less gross!

But apparently the kids need everybody to understand the power of semantics! And too bad for them, they still have that big dope Hawk on their team!

Say you're Monarch, Hawk! Tell him about how you're Monarch!

Dove should choose her words more carefully because she's encouraging Hawk not to fight in the panel above. It's not like he can see her punctuation.

Hawk remembers that Mister Twister killed the original Dove so he flips the fuck out and tears a hole in Mister Twister's chest cavity. The Titans kick the crap out of him like they're fans at a soccer game cheering on their home team by putting a fan of the other team into the hospital. Whatever Mister Twister was summoning (it looks like a gigantic, other-dimensional spider, so I think bringing up It earlier was apt) begins coming through the portal. But Lilith casts a spell and Gnaark feeds Mister Twister to it, and it retreats back to its dimension. I don't know why the thing looked like a spider. Shouldn't it have looked like a big naked blue guy with a flaccid pecker?

The issue ends with the Titans suggesting they reform and with a mystery! The mystery is who was the missing Titan since Mister Twister mentioned ten Titans and there were only ten of them. But Bumblebee didn't count for some reason! I think because she was from Titans West or something. Anyway, Dick only brings it up so everybody can say, "Oh yeah! When are they going to remember Wally?!" Otherwise nobody would have even thought Bumblebee wasn't one of the ten Mister Twister mentioned since she had powers and was obviously a Titan of some kind or other.

Starfire #7

Am I the only one who thinks dirty thoughts when I see Starfire's index finger glinting?

I don't have any thoughtful things to say about the death of David Bowie. I never needed him. Just like I never needed Kurt Cobain. Or whomever people laud because they inspired people to be themselves. I suppose if Gonzo the Great ever dies, I'll break down and become the same kind of mess as fans of Bowie and Cobain. I do wish I could have appreciated David Bowie more but I just don't feel intense connections to people I don't know. Or people I do know. I do feel that with cats though! I was sad to hear that he died in a way that was more sad than when I usually hear a celebrity dies because I think we, the public, knew him more than one can usually know a celebrity. He did what he did not because of a well though out public relations plan to garner as much of an audience as possible to increase his wealth. He did what he did because that's what he was going to do no matter how many people fell in love with it. It's why I mentioned Cobain as well. They're artists that I didn't need and never fell in love with but I can appreciate from a distance. There's still a chance I'll fall in love with David Bowie sometime in the future and be incredibly sad that I didn't feel the same thing when he was alive. It's happened before with Walt Whitman (except for the part about him ever being alive while I was alive. It's just I never needed him and then, one day, I found a large percentage of what he wrote makes me weep). I don't think it will ever happen with Kurt Cobain. Lemmy wasn't on the list either (although he might be closer to my true hero, Gonzo, than any of the others). But there's a definite chance it'll happen with David. "Starman" and "Life on Mars?" are already indelibly printed on the earworm of my brain thanks to Walk Hard and American Horror Story: Freak Show. And I once wrote a parody of "Space Oddity" for one person, my friend Doom Bunny, whose brother once stuck him in a garbage can when he was little. You might already be seeing the parallels there.

In memory of David Bowie, this commentary will just be an hour of silence. So leave the page open for an hour and shut the fuck up.

Okay, you know what? That's probably a bad idea. Maybe I'll just say "fuck" less than I usually do.

Previously in Starfire, she made out with a dolphin and now she can speak it's language. Lucky dolphin.

That's a lousy fucking definition of time, you ignorant strumpet!

I'm not using "strumpet" as an insult in the previous caption but just as a factual noun that is based in fact and is a noun. Ignorant is sort of an insult but mostly justified in that she defined time as "a thing that prevents everything from happening at once." How could everything happen at once simply because time didn't exist? I mean, I'm not going to orgasm at the same time I stick my dick in somebody's mouth? No wait. That's usually exactly what happens. I'm sure I can think of a better analogy but I'm bored with this train of thought now. Let's move on to the next step in the logical progression of cause and effect which is changing the fucking subject.

Sol is in the Dolphin Friend Zone! Which isn't the worst place to be positioned in Starfire's life because she did suck face with the dolphin already.

Who thought "sucking face" was a good description of kissing? I bet one of the Universal Monsters coined it, right? Maybe the Creature from the Black Lagoon?

Starfire misunderstands some more English because she's cute and innocent but also provides complete sexual satisfaction which is what all heterosexual guys really want. They want a woman whose personality they can ignore while projecting their own idealized personality onto the woman while the woman performs lots of nasty sex deeds to their body like, um, touching the water willy or readjusting his faulty stabilizers. Heterosexual women might also want that but I wouldn't know because I almost always simply hear what I want to hear when a heterosexual woman is speaking to me. Although I think woman just want a guy who is able to take care of himself and also has a satisfying cock that works perfectly with her vagina. Although sometimes the cock part of the deal is so good that women will put up with a guy who obviously needs a mother. And a car. And a job. On the plus side, he'll already own the video game system and probably the bong.

Starfire and Sol are headed out to dinner on a sunset cruise ship. Also on that ship? Some spy! The reason the spy is important? Dick Grayson is after him! Uh oh! It looks like Dick is going to get in the way of another woman's sex life! He previously ruined Barbara Gordon's deflowering when he crashed Alysia's wedding. Now he's going to spoil Sol's chance at dolphin sex.

Uh-oh! Now Starfire knows how to speak "playa"!

Sol likes to think about his dead wife when he makes out with hot aliens which seems a little weird. Maybe he doesn't like to do that but his brain makes him do that anyway. It probably has something to do with mourning although I don't regularly think of my dead cat Judas when I masturbate. Yes, the "regularly" in that sentence is important.

All hell breaks loose thanks to Dick Grayson and the spies he was spying on. It's confusing because I think the artist screwed up and made Dick in disguise get on the getaway boat when he really didn't. Unless I'm just terrible at reading comic books which I don't think I am or else why would somebody have given me the title of Grandmaster Comic Book Reader.

"Somebody" includes "me" so it's accurate.

Starfire recognizes Dick even while he's using his Hypnos so they're probably going to fuck. I remember a time when the New 52 was new and I was really excited to find out how Dick and Kory knew each other and what kind of relationship they had and how many different positions they used. But now all of that has worn off like the hymen on a man's ass after a drunken night in a San Francisco Turkish bathhouse. Some of that previous statement might have a few factual errors but you still might understand the sentiment.

Starfire helps Dick retrieve the briefcase he was after by floating above him while she watches him fight and fingers her clutch purse.

It's called "having an orgasm." I think.

Starfire blows Dick. Stupid period. You don't belong there! Stop ruining my sentences for a cheap laugh! Hmph. As I was trying to say, Starfire blows Dick's Spyral mission by destroying the gadget he was after. It was something that could be used as a weapon so she did the right thing. Dick knows she did he just doesn't want to get the kind of tongue lashing he's going to get from Matron that is different than the kind of tongue lashing he wants to get from the Matron. You know the kind! The kind that involves his butthole!

And then Starfire and Dick Grayson decide to relive their Marv Wolfman days.

But...you know...with better writers.

Starfire #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. Let's face it: sex sells. I think. Is that really true? I mean, I know it sells in places like Las Vegas and Reno and Tijuana. But does it really sell products that have nothing to do with sex at all? Why would people see a commercial for golf balls that stars two men fucking in the shower in the club locker room and think, "Yes! I need Titleist!"? Maybe I should stick to saying things I know are true instead of cliches like "sex sells." Although if I only wrote true things, my commentaries would simply be the name of the comic book and one sentence that reads "Scott Lobdell's writing is awful." Would posts like that, two to three times per day, hold anybody's interest for very long? I for one can't get enough reminders of how horrible Scott Lobdell's writing ability is! I wonder if somebody sells a 365 day calendar of that?

Starfire #6

Remember the good old days when cartoons about rapey skunks were appropriate for all ages? I really miss those days.

Pepe le Pew wasn't actually a rapist. He suffered from a mental illness (unless it was a fetish?) that caused him to only be attracted to females who weren't attracted to him. It's also possible he was simply addicted to huffing paint which is why he only ever chased that cat that was always getting white paint all over it. Also he was French which makes being overly sensual okay for some reason.

I just realized something about Pepe le Pew that I never thought about before! Was making him a skunk and a Frenchman a comment about their extreme body odor?!

This issue begins with a flashback. Sol's Penis is remembering his wife, Maria's Nostalgia. It is hard to remember all of the characters in this book because the men all look like Dick Grayson. Maybe I am face-blind when it comes to men because I am not sexually attracted to them. My mind is all, "There are no boobies attached to that face. Next." The flashback is about the last time Sol's Penis ever kissed Maria's Nostalgia. Then she went out into the ocean and drowned.

Back in the present, Starfire's Vagina is punching Soren's Boner because he hurt Sol's Penis. That's a mouthful! Wink, wink!

How come I have never been invited to an orgy? Do people have dip at orgies? I want some dip.

As Starfire's Vagina holds Soren's Boner's head underwater, she telepathically receives more of his memories. All of them are about murdering people. But he does it on accident! Well, not really on accident. But not on purpose, anyway. See, he has a brain tumor and I think that's enough explanation for that. He can also cure cancer magically by storing it in his brain tumor!

I do not think Sol's Penis got consent to put his mouth on Soren's Boner.

Meanwhile that Alien's Anatomy whose name I cannot remember has come to Earth to kill Starfire's Vagina. He will probably be unsuccessful at that but he will probably succeed at interrupting Starfire's Vagina's mating ritual with Sol's Penis. I cannot wait for that scene because Starfire's Vagina will probably do a lot of that thing where she imagines figurative sayings literally. I wish I knew more dirty sex sayings so I could guess what she might imagine but the filthiest sex phrase I know is "Missionary Position."

This time she knows exactly what she is saying.

Alien's Anatomy decides to attack Starfire's Vagina as she is stuffing pancakes into herself. Hopefully defeating this guy does not remind Starfire's Vagina of home because I do not want to read about another journey to Tamaran. Those trips are always the worst. Especially when they are written by Marv Wolfman or Scott Lobdell.

The battle ends quickly because Starfire's Vagina does not take shit from anybody. She wipes the floor with the bounty hunter (front to back, of course!).

Ha ha! For once, she is not taking a phrase literally! She is so crazy.

Starfire's Vagina puts the bounty hunter back on his ship and into his sleep tank then sets the ship's course for somewhere else. Whew! That was close! Starfire's Vagina recognized the ship as being from Tamaran but she resisted the temptation to visit home! She's starting her life over and part of that is, hopefully, never again thinking of Tamaran!

While Starfire's Vagina sends the ship back into space, Dick Grayson's Perfect Ass arrives at the airport and immediately thinks, "Oh hey! My sex-girlfriend lives here! Porn music noise! Also 'sex-girlfriend' is a portmanteau of 'sexy' and 'ex-girlfriend' in case that was confusing or anybody listening to me thought I was merely referring to Starfire's Vagina as being a sex toy and not the passionate and intelligent vagina that she truly is."

Starfire #6 Rating: No change. This comic book was not about a horny skunk trying to have sex with Starfire because she accidentally got a white stripe painted down her ass. I was quite disappointed. It also could have been about Starfire pursuing Pepe le Pew because his head caught on fire and Starfire mistook him for a Tamaranean male! Also his head probably didn't need to be on fire for Starfire to want to have sex with Pepe. She is so horny. I think the 1985 Who's Who entry on Starfire looks like this:

Real Name: Koriand'r
Occupation: Sex
Marital Status: Sex
Known Relatives: That Blackfire whore
Group Affiliation: Sex
Base of Operations: Bedroom (or wherever)
First Appearance: Sexpots of Space #68
Height: Lying down Weight: Reverse Cowgirl
Eyes: Intense Contact During Oral Hair: Full of semen

History
Boy does Starfire like sex! Like, really really likes sex! A lot!

Powers & Weapons
Sex! Have you not been paying attention?!

Starfire #5

Under the sea! Starfire's Vagina is better when she is wetter! Take it from me!

Starfire's Vagina is currently on a mating ritual with Dick Grayson Look-a-like. Starfire's Vagina is all, "I am very literal because that is always a totally hilarious way to seem innocent and adorable. Especially when it is coming out of the sexiest body in the DC Youniverse. I am the epitome of the child-woman that every man secretly wants but only Japanese men admit to." Dick Grayson Look-a-like is all, "I do not know how to say things which will not wind up being misunderstood." And Starfire's Vagina is all, "Where do you wind up the misunderstanding? I do not see a key anywhere at all?"

I hate people who give cheesy prepackaged toasts.

Starfire's Vagina says her own toast she learned about women in thong underwear. Then she has to ask about thong underwear instead of doing that thing where she imagines a picture of a naked woman with a sandal shoved into her privates. Dick Grayson Look-a-like's Boner is all, "Hello! I'd like to make a toast! To honor! Once you're on her, stay on her! BOOOOOIIIIINNNGGGG! Woop! Woop woop woop woop wooop!"

Dick Grayson's Look-a-like's Boner is too much to type every time so I should probably just call him by his real name: Soren's Boner.

Starfire's Vagina touches Soren's Boner and he accidentally shares a memory with her telepathically. Starfire's Vagina finds that Soren's Boner is a doctor who has magic cancer healing powers! But the magic cancer healing powers are killing Soren's Boner! And they're sending him into psychotic rages where he murders people on cruise lines or beats the crap out of people trying to help him or forces him to carjack people and hide their bodies in the trunk. Maybe some of those aren't due to the tumor growing in his brain and are just things he occasionally likes to do to relieve stress or to get a free vehicle.

Soren's Boner gets embarrassed because Starfire's Vagina saw too much and he runs away just as Atlee's Butthole arrives. Atlee's Butthole thinks that Sheriff Prudish McBuzzkill should be told all about Soren's Boner but Starfire's Vagina doesn't want to get a potential sex partner in trouble with the law. So instead Starfire's Vagina just swims naked and thinks about spelunking up Sheriff Prudish McBuzzkill's ass.

It's not obscene to show the inside of an asshole? Because I'm super turned on now!

Some other stuff happens that probably doesn't matter. Like a new character named Kragg Gorn Kee is introduced and he's a total psycho maniac bad-ass but also a family man. Also he might not be a new character but fuck if I've ever heard of him. Then Starfire's Vagina gives birth to a baby whistling star and sets it free. The next morning she gets dressed for a job interview but it's for an aquarium and not for a strip club so she isn't allowed to dress however she wants. Sheriff Prudish McBuzzkill tells Starfire's Vagina a bunch of lies about men and boobs. She's all, "You have to hide your breasts or else men will act dumb!" That is so stupid. Do not hide your breasts on my account, women. I am all for shirts that do not cover the breasts. I will act very smart around exposed boobs! I will also masturbate in private later thinking about how awesome they were. Although if I saw lots and lots of different boobs every day, I'd probably find them mundane and not titillating at all! Eventually we'll get to a place where it's just as normal for women to go topless as it is for men. But there will be an interim period where men are masturbating a whole lot more than they already are. I'd rather see more exposed butts. But only fit butts! Please put on some clothing if your butt isn't fit because if I see it I will expect you to apologize to me because it's practically like stepping on my toes. And you all know how that goes! If you offend me for any reason, it's your fault and you'd better apologize, gross butt person!

At her interview, Starfire's Vagina doesn't answer the questions to the employer's satisfaction. She is all, "I have no experience or visa or social security number or work history or humanity." And he is all, "Would you like to see the dolphins?" I hope Starfire's Vagina kisses a dolphin so she can learn their language!

That dolphin's mouth is all over Starfire's Vagina! Also it's a female dolphin so that makes it even sexier. If you're a guy. Or a lesbian. Or a woman who wants guys to think she's wild. Or a dolphin.

The employer is ecstatic that Starfire's Vagina can speak dolphin now that she's made face with it. Is that a sexy make out saying? "Made face"? Anyway, the aquarium guy wants to hire Starfire's Vagina immediately so that she can kiss all of the aquatic animals in the place!

Later, Starfire's Vagina attends a party where Sol's Penis cannot stop staring at her. Rave's Libido can't stop staring at Sol's Penis. I don't remember who Rave's Libido is but she's another attractive person. Only attractive people live in Key West unless they're a responsible man and then they can look goofy and bald and chubby. Maybe older woman can look, um, "authentic" as well. But if you're young and female in Key West, you must be the sexiest person alive. Most of the young men are hot and sexy too but I had to ask a woman who was passing by if they were hot and/or sexy because I'm a full blown man who can't tell those kinds of things. Sometimes my penis twitches when a hot guy passes by but that's only because I'm thinking about the hot women he gets to have sex with.

Why is Starfire's Vagina not imagining a party pooping?

When Kori's Vagina gets back to her place, she finds Sol's Penis in a pool of blood and Soren's Boner sitting next to him. I'm glad that battle happened off panel!

Starfire #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. I used to constantly imagine everything I read as a video game. And this was back when video games mostly sucked so my imagined games were way past the cutting edge of actual games. One game I imagined playing that wasn't based on anything I read was one where I was the last person on Earth and all you did in the game was break into abandoned houses and rummage through other people's things. That would be a really fun game. But I think this Starfire comic book would be a fun game as well. You would live in Key West fighting the occasional weird thing that happens but on your down time, you would try to get a job, drink a lot, have as much sex as possible as your landlord clucked her tongue at you, and had to earn experience to recognize things like forks and potato peelers. Although let's be honest. I, at least, would probably just strip Starfire down to her underwear and try to bang everybody I met. Come to think of it, that's all this comic book should be about! It's okay right now but that would really bring it up to the level of something like V for Vendetta or Elfquest.

Starfire #4

I can't wait to see what kind of wacky hijinks Starfire's vagina gets up to this issue.

Last issue, Starfire's Vagina met a new friend from the Underworld named Atlee's Butthole. She's a superhero too! But she has lived in the dark all of her life while Starfire's Vagina has lived in the sun her entire life! So they're complete opposites! I hope they become roommates so that they can constantly argue about the correct way to live in an apartment with another person. Starfire's Vagina will be all, "We must keep the shades up all of the time, especially when we are disrobing or walking naked out of the shower!" And Atlee's Butthole will be all, "We must always turn off all of the lights and never open any windows ever and also maybe dig a hole in the backyard to sleep in." Along with Starfire's Vagina's inability to comprehend anything, the comic book will become the most hilarious sit-comic book ever! I'm also hoping for a crazy love triangle between Atlee's Butthole, Starfire's Vagina, and Sol's Penis.

Currently the Best Friends From Opposite Ends are battling a subterranean monster called a Chida. It grows bigger any time it is hit with a starbolt so Starfire's Vagina is completely useless against it. But Atlee's Butthole might have some tricks up its sleeve!

Atlee's Butthole has a nice set of sleeves.

The Chida Monster has been sent to kill Atlee's Butthole because she refused to marry for political reasons. Atlee's Butthole is all, "What kind of cheap floozy would marry somebody she didn't love when the person she truly loved was standing right next to her begging her not to get married? Okay, maybe not begging exactly but looking super miserable while his mute friend with the huge sideburns looked on and signed, 'You stupid fucking asshole! Speak up already! Stop this travesty of a ceremony! Stop being such a spineless jerk and tell your true love how you feel!' Could you imagine how much pain that trampy tart would cause to her lover and all of her friends back home?! I could never do something so despicable!" But the Chida Monster just shrugs and continues to try to kill her because he doesn't understand love and probably never will because he's a monster and only Belle loves monsters and she's already married.

Atlee's Butthole creates a giant fist out of rock which throws the Chida Monster many miles to the west where Starfire's Vagina is waiting to catch it so that she can drown it in the Big Gulp of Mexico. Once Atlee's Butthole expels the Chida Monster from Key West, she explains her origin story to Sheriff Prudish McBuzzkill.

Atlee's Butthole came from an underground kingdom to wag her finger at humans and tell them to stop ruining the Earth. She lived with Power Girl's Boobs for awhile which explains the Boob Window in her costume. But Power Girl's Boobs wasn't human herself, so Atlee's Butthole moved to Key West where it could barely survive by working as a waitress, leaving her no time to wag her finger at the humans.

Meanwhile, Starfire's Vagina shoots the Chida Monster until it grows too big to swim and sinks it to the bottom of the ocean and even lower because it lands in a crack in the ground. The story is only halfway over though. So I guess now Starfire's Vagina can have some hilarious misunderstandings because her grasp of English isn't as good as her grasp of doing it.

Oh Sheriff Prudish McBuzzkill!

Sheriff Prudish McBuzzkill is probably just scared that Atlee's Butthole is going to steal the Sheriff's new best friend, Starfire's Vagina. I'm sure she doesn't have to worry since Starfire's Vagina has enough love to accept everyone into her warm embrace (especially Sol's Penis!).

Oh! I forgot there was another plot thread lying around the island. The evil Dick Grayson Look-a-like who killed the crew of a cruise ship is up to no good which is a bad thing because people in Key West hate having to deal with not good things. It's practically why they live there. He kidnaps some guy for probably nefarious and possibly sexy purposes with his hypnotism powers. And that's all the time this issue has for Evil Dick Grayson! Now it's time to look at Starfire's Vagina and Atlee's Butthole in their bikinis.

Sol's Penis is probably going to steal some of Starfire's Vagina's underwear.

Meanwhile on Tamaran, Komand'r has hired an interstellar tracker to find her sister, Koriand'r's Vagina. Sheriff McBuzzkill will probably not like that.

Back in Key West, Starfire's Vagina tries to shower with Sol's Penis, eats a Philly Cheesesteak for the first time, runs into Handy Man Eye Candy, and possibly ruins Handy Man Eye Candy's relationship with his girlfriend. It's all done quite innocently because Starfire's Vagina doesn't know any better (which is the best way to not know things). Finally she meets Evil Dick Grayson who introduces himself as Soren which is a good thing because I forgot his name. He offers Starfire's Vagina a beer which Atlee's Butthole informed Starfire's Vagina last issue was a mating ritual. I hope that means next issue will be twenty pages of adult material!

Starfire #4 Rating: No change. This comic book is absolutely beautiful. The characters are all gorgeously rendered. The backgrounds are never lacking in detail. The colors are vibrant. The letters are all placed in the correct order so that I can read the words they represent. It's worth the cover price just to look at it. The writing is doing everything I need a comic book writer to do and I can't complain. The cast of characters is diverse and interesting. Plot threads are lying all over the place waiting to be picked up. And I suppose if you're willing to forget how long Starfire has actually been on Earth and how much she should have already picked up by now, Starfire is a likeable fish-out-of-water character, even if she comes off as a little dumber than she probably is. She's sweet and friendly. She's innocent not in the way you'd think of a child being innocent but in the way that she isn't restrained by cultural mores or guilt. She's not quick to see malice in anybody's actions and she's eager to help. Even if this Starfire has some characteristics that could be seen as flaws by long time fans of the character, I think it's refreshing to have a non-grim, non-angry, non-macho-bullshit super hero that sees the kindness in people and just wants to help her new community.

Cyborg #2

Why did Cyborg replace his cock with a fishbowl?

Somebody said they'd like to hear some political commentary out of me so here's some brief political commentary before I really get into some serious shit and start talking about comic books. I think the Democratic Party is going to be hugely fucking surprised by how much voter turnout increases if Bernie Sanders gets the nomination. They're going to realize that they've been going about shit completely wrong by trying to maintain some kind of equitable distance from the political center which the Republicans have steadily been pulling further and further right for decades. They're going to realize just how many voters stopped voting for their party because they've been moving in the wrong direction for far too long. They're going to have to seriously rethink their party base when they realize that a huge part of the voter base that doesn't vote aren't simply being apathetic. As a party, you don't just automatically get everybody's vote because you're the least worst party. Some people actually believe in democracy to the point that they won't participate if you're just going to offer up Republican Lite. Yes, it's worse for a lot of people if the Republicans are in control of things. But the answer to winning elections isn't to become more like Republicans, you asshats. So that's my prediction. Voter turnout is going to increase by a large margin due to Bernie Sanders.

I have this weird feeling, though, that even if Sanders were to win a bunch of early primaries, the media will just continually ignore him.

That's about all the stomach I have for discussing politics. Be here next time when I, once more, put my foot in the ass of the mainstream media. Those guys are the worst.

This issue begins in an alternate dimension where STAR Labs uses an old BEST building as their main headquarters.

They've rearranged the sign to spell as much of STAR Labs as they could with the letters at hand.

Most of you probably don't remember BEST. You should visit this link to see some of their crazy awesome store fronts. As a kid, the BEST Catalog was my go-to Christmas and Birthday catalog for circling dozens of toys that I absolutely needed.

Apparently this actually is an alternate dimension because they have a dead Cyborg hanging from the rafters in the Appliance Section of their headquarters. A blond woman in a wheelchair chastises a mystery person for killing Cyborg in the Sneak Peek story. They'll be happy to know that Cyborg didn't stay dead so he may yet save the universe. Not their universe. Theirs is done. But he might still save his from the Tekbreaker's enemies, the Technosapiens! I could have some of those names wrong because I read a lot of comic books and my brain doesn't have the capacity to keep up.

Moving on to Cyborg, he begins his scene by Narration Boxing a lot of questions that people ask him. The only one he answers is "Do you eat?" Yes, he eats. But he doesn't say how he evacuates waste material. And he doesn't say anything about sex except "It's none of your business." That means he's a virgin and/or he lost his penis. His dad probably replaced it with a white noise blaster.

Cyborg also mentions that he sleeps because he's currently having a dream about electric monsters trying to steal his technology. That might be less a dream and more wi-fi interference from the impending invasion fleet.

Tea and cats? Silas Stone isn't a bad guy at all!

Meanwhile in the more fucked up than the other fucked up side of town side of town, that guy from Issue #1 who was missing an arm and an eye visits an underground cybertech doctor to get an enhanced prosthetic arm and a bionic eye. That probably means he'll wind up robbing banks while under the control of his new parts. The doctor has to get paid somehow. Insurance sure as hell isn't going to cover this experimental crap.

Meanwhile the Technosapiens have stolen the play book of the Borg or the Third Army and have decided that everybody needs to sing the same song so that the universe will be at peace. Sure, if you can get everybody to stay in the same key. Good luck with that.

Bobby, the guy with the illegal implants, has a friend who knows Cyborg so he's going to rat out Bobby and probably get this whole illegal cybernetic body part business shut down. Maybe that will be the reason Bobby turns into a bad guy. Although the way Bobby fell asleep immediately after getting home to rest up after the surgery makes me suspect he's going to go on his Robbery Spree Payment Plan immediately.

Does this picture indicate Black Vulcan is finally part of DC Continuity or is Black Vulcan just part of DC Comic's cartoon world continuity?

Victor meets up with Bobby's friend, Sebastian, by the big Detroit sculpture celebrating fisting. It's at this point that Sebastian rats out the "body shops." While talking, Cyborg gets some more wi-fi interference from the invaders and realizes what it means this time. Aliens are coming to Earth to remove his technology! Probably through his butthole. But first, they stop by Bobby's house to check out his gadgets. I guess I was being too suspicious of the cyber doctors and their motives. It looks like money was all they really wanted and they probably received that up front. Although it appears the aliens are going to recruit Bobby into the super villain world.

Cyborg #2 Rating: No change. It's not bad but I'm still not very interested in Cyborg. So far, this comic book feels like it's playing things too safe. It's a standard alien invasion, multi-dimensional save the universe plot with a small percentage of a protagonist with JeanValJeanitis. You know, he's wondering who he is. I don't know how I'd change the pacing of the book to make it more interesting though. Vic obviously wants people to see him as Victor Stone but even he's not sure how much of Victor Stone is really left. So he's finding himself but most of that is coming across through Narration Boxes and tension with his father. I suppose that's the best way to get the story moving as quickly as possible. If it were up to me, readers would quickly grow bored of the twenty or so issues I spent showing how anxious Vic was in public, and how awkward he now feels around women since even when he had a great non-metal football body, he didn't know how to sex, and how Vic resents his father for being more interested in Vic's electronics than in his emotions and achievements. That shit needs to be put out there quick in super hero comics so we can get to the alien's murdering Earth part. My version would be an indie comic with a distribution of around 100 copies per month. What I'm saying is this might be good enough for super hero comics but I'm long past the point of that being good enough for me! Make it better, Mister Walker! For me! Don't you care about my feelings?