Friday, December 27, 2013

Constantine #9

This is Constantine presenting to Ultraman. That's why the word fight is in "quotes." I put "quotes" in quotes because the word fight isn't really in quotes; it's metaphorically in quotes by being set in a different font and color. I also didn't put the word "fight" in quotes in the two previous sentences to avoid confusion when I wrote about the word "fight" not being in quotes.

I had a really brief statement that I wanted to share but then I decided maybe I should preface that statement with a whole lot of rambling. So before I say the thing that I want to say (which is not any major, earth-shaking revelation of any kind but just a simple statement of something I'd like to see but I thought I should put the statement in context anyway), let me put the statement in context. Hmm, I'm really beginning to rethink the need for that parenthetical reference (whenever I first type "parenthetical," I always spell it "paranthetical." Never fails! 100%! Good work, brain!).

I know a lot of people are really mistrustful about things they read and are always concerned with ulterior motives behind the statements being made. Especially on Tumblr where delving into inappropriate humor can be quite a dangerous pastime. I know a lot of people prefer humor that doesn't come anywhere near offending anybody but I believe that if we ignore humor that can wind up being offensive, we avoid satirizing the truly offensive among us and who the fuck said they can get off from being made fun of? That means I tend to lose Followers on occasion because as I'm trying to mine for humor in these dangerous areas, I sometimes hit a natural gas vein or release a Balrog or two. It goes with the territory. That being said, I try to avoid being a complete dick because who wants to be a backer of a shitty institution full of arrogant douchebags? But sometimes you hit a mine when you decide to tap dance across the minefield.

I'm actually playing up my flaws a bit here because mostly I'm rational and level-headed and don't fucking fly off the handle at the first hint of one, single, non-essential mistake that I find in a comic book I'm reading. Nope! Not me! But I do find a common bond in the discomfiture and self-demeaning humour of a good British comedy. So one of my favorite things to do is to say something somewhat racist or misogynistic or homophobic or some other -ist or -ic that I totally can't stand people being and then, by means of explaining myself, dig myself deeper and deeper into the hole of completely offensive asshole. That, to me, is funny even though I wind up being the bad guy and looking like an asshole. It's the discomfiture, directed at myself, which makes me laugh.

True, it can also be seen as trolling since people will get angry at me. But I'm really just writing to make myself laugh. But trolling is trying to make somebody angry for the specific goal of making a fool out of them. They take the bait and you get to go, "Ha ha! Calm the fuck down, moron! Any smart person could have seen that was a joke!" And I don't engage in that bullshit. If somebody gets mad at me for something I said, I don't respond that it was a joke. I respond by pouting and hating on myself and feeling like a complete twat for a period of, usually, no longer than two weeks. So if I say something offensive, never call me on it because it makes me feel bad! Stop picking on me!

Okay, now why the fuck did I just ramble on about all of that bullshit? It's because I wanted to say something and I wanted everybody to know that it's genuine interest in the appeal of the idea that causes me to say it. Even after I say it, one might think, "What the fuck does that have to do with anything he just said?" Well, yeah, anyway. I just wanted to say, "I think the next reboot of the X-men movie franchise should be a completely gender-swapped cast." And not in a tongue-in-cheek way. And not in a way that changes the characters so that, say, Wolverine suddenly starts acting differently. The characters should absolutely remain true to their comic book counterparts. Just imagine how uncomfortable Emmet Frost would make a huge portion of the audience!

But this is a DC Blog. I should probably be talking about a Wonder Woman movie instead of a new X-men franchise. I bet Hollywood is ready for a gender-swapped Wonder Woman movie! I bet they'd think they can make that movie sell! Although I think the Greek Island of Themyscira might cause them a bit of trouble on how to portray that to an audience they think of as being entirely composed of young, teenaged, straight boys that tend to get wildly uncomfortable at any hint of intimate bonds shared between two (or more!) males.

Which brings us, somehow, to Constantine and his Mini-Justice League Dark! They have recently been evicted from The House of Mystery by The Blight who has managed to exit the Collective Unconscious and enter Chris "The Babysitter" Esperanza.

Meanwhile, Pandora has decided this would be an appropriate time to indulge in some self-gratification.

Blight is rampaging about New York with its own Mini-team, the Mini-Seven Deadly Sins. Or maybe just six because Pandora killed Envy. No, no! Seven! Because Evil Aquaman, the King of the Seven Deadly Seas, was recently shown coming back to life in some Forever Evil related comic book. Which means Envy is back, baby! Although only six Mini-Deadly Sins are shown on the big two page splash title page.

Oh no! I'm wrong. Seven are shown! I was just assuming the main one that was drawn closest to the reader was Blight. But I think that one is probably Mini-Pride. Blight, it appears, is a gigantic black amorphous serpenty blobby mist monster thing.

That's The Phantom Stranger's weakness? He can't battle what he can't categorize? Can't understand what he can't compartmentalize? He really is a tool of the Patriarchy and Christianity.

Constantine tries to point out that it's only a monster which isn't helping matters any. His imperialist British background is showing!

I wonder how many people would be upset if Constantine were played by a black man in a film? Or a non-smoker! For me, I think the only essential bit of Constantine is that he remains British. When I first typed the non-smoker thing, I instantly thought, "Yeah. You have to keep the smoking." And then in the next space of random thoughts, I simply asked myself, "Why? I think he'd work just as well without the fag." And then my brain said, "You mean cigarette. You're an American, asshole. You can't casually call them fags." And then my brain said "Sorry! Sorry!" to that first part of my brain that I like to call "Mary Poppins." She keeps me in right order, she does!

I bet my British readers just read that and thought, "Blimey, I knew it, bloody Mary Poppins. By the Queen's pants, I knew that twat established his entire idea of who we are from that movie. Pip pip! Cheerio!"

Back to the comic book, it seems that lead Mini-Sin I thought might be Pride might actually be The Blight, thanks to the clue from The Phantom Stranger about the dragon/man business. So now that I'm thoroughly unsure as to the existence of Envy, I suppose I'll just move on and ignore it until the comic book tells me definitively what's going on.

Meanwhile somewhere else some "withered old bore" is forcing some smart mouthed kid to help him with some Project that has Sargon the Sorceress strapped to a Magic Sucking Machine. My first thought was that the kid was Vibe but I don't think Vibe can pull off the attitude that this kid pulls of in a few lines. It could be The Crime Syndicate's Hostage although I'd suspect Vibe over The Hostage since I'm certain The Hostage will be playing his or her role over in Forever Evil.

Back in New York, The Mini-Justice League Dark begin to gain the upper hand after they teleport away for a nano-second to regroup. It works! They pin The Blight Babysitter to the ground while Pandora chases the Mini-Sins away. They now have the upper hand! They're going to win!

Oh no. Strike that. Reverse it.

Completely reverse it! Swamp Thing gets chewed in half and John gets bitten and stung and whipped and beat. He begins moaning like a love sick puppy that's never going to get to see his sweetheart again. It's totally disgusting! And then, like the cover shows, he fights the Crime Syndicate!

No, no. Just kidding. The Crime Syndicate never show. The issue ends with John about to be killed by The Blight. TTFN!

Constantine #9 Rating: No change. This was my least favorite issue of The Blight but I'm not sure if it's because the comic didn't really resolve much or because Christmas has left me feeling like shit due to spending Christmas Eve with my dad and sister and spending Christmas with The Non-Certified Spouse's father and his new wife and her grown children and finding I have no feelings or bonds to any of these family members. Plus I lost one of my clients on Christmas Eve because their 7-11 was taken over by Corporate and Corporate brought in their own crew. So that always feels like shit. Yesterday I was hoping sleeping all day with the cat would help and it has kind of dulled the edges of impending doom! I bet Tater Tots would make me feel better! Tater Tots and a nice long hug from Mommy!

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