Vibe #9

Is this akin to sitting on the washing machine?

From issue one, I believed that Vibe's brother Dante was going to be Vibe's arch-villain. But instead, his brother Armando has turned out to be his rival. How could I have been so stupid? Of course it's the guy you least suspect that becomes the guy you expected the guy you most suspected to become! It's how the biggest, lamest, most Hollywood bullshit twists happen every year! Although this twist isn't as horrible and cliche (without the accent because I'm too lazy to add one and it doesn't actually matter anyway because that's an accepted version that doesn't change the meaning of the word in the way that if you left the tilde off of año) as I've just now made it out to sound. It's just a thing that happened that surprised Vibe and worked well in the context of the story (especially with all that "Dante is obviously the bad brother" legerdemain going on) and has now given Vibe something to fight for! Besides saving the world and helping Gypsy and making a few bucks as a member of the Justice League of America, I mean.

Currently Vibe is in Piradell where Mordeth, Gypsy's father also known as Breacher, took him so that he can save everything. Or omnithing if you're a jackass Scott Lobdell character. Which Vibe isn't so I don't know why I even mentioned it. Probably because Scott Lobdell is my arch-villain! Unless I'm his? It's hard to know if you're the good guy or the bad guy in any given story because life is complicated and gray and messy. Mordeth has this problem, see? His world was once the most peaceful and cliche and happy place in all of existence! Nobody ever got hemorrhoids. Nobody ever had diarrhea. Impotence never reared its ugly head, so to speak. And the female orgasm was by no means a mystery to anybody. In short, it was paradise. But then an American (Armando!) landed on its golden shores and the party was over for everyone forever.

Vibe has now joined Mordeth's resistance force to overthrow Rupture and Mordeth's cuckolding wife and save everybody from everything forever.

I've read enough Stephen King to know that Price is from Maine.

Mordeth's resistance force (which Vibe has renamed "Justice League Sort Of" because America is awesome) saves a couple of kids named Hopper and Corr. The members of the Resistance are Vibe, Sniper Pirate, Little Dickhead, and Perfect Posture Lass. I don't know. Do you think Sniper Pirate should be Sni-pirate? I think both names have potential. Although neither of them have quite the ring that "cunt punching pumpkin fucker" has. I wish I could take credit for that curse but it's just one of many that April Winchell's fans put together for SailorTrouble. I do not offer links because fuck you, you know how to use the internets! Besides, if you're reading this little piece of shit blog, you obviously know April Winchell and Regretsy and all that shit. And you obviously know her father since he voiced the greatest cartoon villain of all time ever, Dick Dastardly.

After saving the little kids, Vibe decides to loudly and explicitly state the plans of the Resistance because the little girl and her doll couldn't be working with fucking Rupture now, could they?

Never trust anybody in comics carrying a doll. Unless that doll is named Cheeks the Toy Wonder.

Meanwhile Agent Gunn spends some quality time with Dante as he heals up in the hospital. Cisco has now been missing for two weeks and nobody knows what dimension he belly-flopped into. Hopefully Dante's nanocites are working on giving him super powers so he can be a gigantic pain in the ass to Waller's A.R.G.U.S.

And back on Piradell, Mordeth has been sucking all of the Earth juice out of Gypsy so that she can open a portal back to Earth. She wants to take over Earth because it is "the cornerstone of the multiverse." Of course it is! What place in the universe would work better? Why else do alien races and UFOs visit are planet constantly, mutilating our livestock and anally probing the mentally ill? It's because Earth is the most important place ever! And America is the most important country on the most important planet in the most important solar system in the most important galaxy in the most important universe in the most important time across all the vastness of infinite time and space. Why else would Jesus have chosen us?

Rupture tries to think about his brother but Mordeth forbids it by stuffing his head full of lightning. She knows the memory erasing, head clearing benefits of shock therapy better than most.

Breacher's resistance think they have more time but they didn't get the memo that this comic won't be making it past issue ten, so things begin going downhill really fast.

Rupture's speech bubbles aren't outlined in red! That means he has his own mind back! Right? No?

No matter how I come across in this blog, I'm actually a pretty calm, rational, sweet, likable person that doesn't have any issues with anybody. But I'm really, really, really beginning to hate Blair Herter and Tiffany Smith.

As the shit keeps picking up steam, Vibe learns that the technology Breacher implanted into Vibe's chest to keep him stable has a second use: it's a bomb! Breacher turns it on and drops Vibe onto Mordeth's palace to destroy her ability to access Earth and to save Omnithing! I mean everything! Fuck you, Scott Lobdell! I can't stop saying "omni" now!

And back on Earth, Amanda Waller visits Dante in his hospital room because she needs a new agent named Purgatorio! And he's infested with just the right nanocites to get the job done!

Justice League of America's Vibe #9 Rating: +2 Ranking. I wonder if the "Betrayed by Gypsy" cover was meant for a storyline that was interrupted by the comic book's cancellation? We've seen it time and again how the covers really begin to veer off course from the story inside as a book nears its end date (the first time I experienced this was in Blackhawks). I imagine a lot of story needs to be changed once the writer knows the comic needs to be wrapped up in a few months. But that's okay because I'm glad I don't have to see Gypsy turned into a bad guy for the sake of plot twists although, I'm sure, she would have been just as mind-controlled as Armando.