Midnighter #12

I hope not! Midnighter for president!

The Review or Whatever!
Abraham Lincoln once said, "What we've got here is a failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach-around. So you get what we got where you get what you thought you were getting but got what we got here last night. I don't like mint any more than you do." That's how I feel right now!

Not surprisingly, this issue is called "Midnighter". Did Steve Orlando just win a bet with somebody about how many issues in a row he could use the same title for his comic book?

It's that time of month, ladies and gentlemen! Hmm. Who thought up calling men "gentlemen"?! That makes it sound like we're all terrible and we have to distinguish between men who have raised themselves above their base nature so that they can manage to behave in mixed groups? Oh, yeah. That totally makes sense.

Anyway, it's that time of the month! The time when I get to read a comic book that I love reading! Yay! Don't listen to the haters that don't like the Midnighter comic book because it makes their hetero parts feel all icky inside! I'm hetero and I love Midnighter (in a totally gay way). I also realize it's not cool to proclaim that you're hetero. I should at least leave a little wiggle room in there to suggest that there's a chance I might want to stick a big fat veiny penis into my mouth. That's weird. Is your mouth watering? Why did my mouth start watering?

Recently in this big fat veiny comic book, Amanda Waller thought it might be a good idea to deal with the devil. The devil in this case is Henry Bendix and his idea to make America great again is to have it stomp to death any country that so much as rolls an eye at democracy! Now his Supermanesque creation, The Unified, is smashing Modora to pieces and killing everybody in its borders because it offended the United States. Maybe Modorans also attacked the United States as well. Remember how a group of them ruined Midnighter's date earlier? And then they attacked a carnival in Coast City? Well, you can't do that to America and believe that your country's infrastructure and civilians will be left in peace! Holy fuck! Haven't the Modorans been paying attention?! Don't fucking piss off America, dude!

Although, to be fair to America (for some reason), it really is just Henry Bendix who currently feels this way. He's kind of more a super-villain than a good guy in the way Donald Trump is. Except he's intelligent. And Henry looks more human, even with the robot shit on the sides of his head.

Since Henry Bendix is being a dick, Amanda Waller breaks his neck. I'm sure he'll be okay! She then tells the Suicide Squad to work with Midnighter, Apollo, and Spyral to defeat The Unified. The only problem is one of her new Squad is Multiplex and his only goal in life is to kill Midnighter. It was his birthday gift to Midnighter and Midnighter loves it!

The Unified decides to give a little speech as he murders civilians.

Ouch! I think The Unified just hurt his own American feelings, and maybe possibly just justified 9/11.

Apollo begins beating up The Unified because that's the correct match-up. I know Midnighter's name is on the cover and he's a complete bad-ass who can probably defeat anybody in the DC Youniverse (except Batman) but The Unified is more up Apollo's alley (not an anal sex joke). Although Apollo respects the name on the cover and only maims The Unified before dropping him back into the battle to be killed by Midnighter.

Meanwhile, Henry Bendix quickly recovers from his broken neck and escapes. Nice job, Amanda! Now that asshole is going to be loose in the Afterbirth Universe!

So anyway, Midnighter blows up The Unified's head and saves Modora. Helena thanks him and Apollo stands around shirtless. The End! Except for the epilogues.

Epilogue One: Midnighter tells Whats-her-name in the God Garden to get off his back.

Epilogue Two: Midnighter finishes his tell-all interview.

Epilogue Three: Amanda Waller sticks a hot dog down her throat. Um, also she kind of makes nice with Midnighter. I guess he's going to be on call for a lot of shady groups! You know, if they're doing the right thing, that is.

Epilogue Four: Midnighter gets a drink at Jason's bar.

Epilogue Five: Apollo and Midnighter get back together. With kisses and doing-its and everything! Now it's the end! It's a good ending but also a bad ending because this has been one of my favorite comic books and consistently good every month. Now what? I have to write Midnighter fanfic?

Midnighter #11

Yay Apollo! Now Issue #12's cover had better be Jenny Quantum eating a street burrito while Jack Hawksmoor fucks a manhole cover or I'm going to be pissed.

The Review
If you've been waiting to see Midnighter sitting naked in Apollo's bed while they kiss, you'll have to wait for another issue. But if you've been waiting to see Midnighter sitting naked in Apollo's bed while they almost kiss, start masturbating now because it's on! I probably shouldn't have revealed that in the review section and I most certainly shouldn't reveal that I've scanned that page later in the commentary section so you don't even have to buy the issue to rub one out to it. You probably should though. Because Midnighter has been one of the best comic books DC has put out since The New 52 began and it needs to make DC money so that DC can listen to their accountant when he pushes up his taped up glasses and says, "That book with the gay superhero made us buttloads of money!" Then the Shadow Cabinet in charge of DC Comics will discuss what that means and determine that what people would really pay money for is a gay Batman. Now, I know some of you have just read that and thought to yourselves, "But Midnighter is gay Batman!" Well, duh! But only on a figurative level! The Shadow Cabinet that controls all of DC's moves and marketing meant their statement literally! So look for Bruce Wayne to be gay in Batman Rebirth if my assessment of the situation is accurate. It probably is because I am a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader.

The Commentary
The last issue ended with Midnighter obviously dying. He died so obviously that it was practically on-panel and if he isn't dead when this issue begins, I'll be really angry about what an unrealistic turn this comic book has suddenly taken. I might even think to myself, "Well, you did just point out that it was only practically on-panel so he may not have even been on the ship when it exploded. Plus there are at least a dozen ways already written for getting out of many cliffhangers. Of course they all revolve around the action suddenly being different than it was in the previous scene. But good old Steve Orlando wouldn't pull any of that shit on his lovely readers, would he? I wish I had some carrot cake right now." I probably could have ended that fantasy before the carrot cake but then I would have been leaving out the best bit.

But the most obvious answer is right on the cover. Somehow Apollo saved Midnighter from certain death. Maybe he desperately needed some dick and he just happened to be making a booty call when the ship blew up. Or maybe it was something far less juvenile. My brain only has the one setting.

It turns out Midnighter gave Apollo a framed photo of his younger self which was also an emergency booty call line. If Midnighter wasn't riddled with bullets, he might be able to play the whole thing off as some sorely needed ex-sex. But I think Midnighter is just going to have to eat crow on this one and be honest about how he just needed Apollo for his heroics as opposed to his hero dick.

I hope it gets romantic from here on out!

Thinkfast is an idiot. Why does a gunman need to touch the hammer on a semi-automatic rifle? Also that might be a real question that somebody could answer because I'm also an idiot who really knows nothing about guns. Although I do know that I was excited to see Jonah Hex will be on next week's Legends of Tomorrow!

Amanda Waller and Henry Bendix have everything they need to create their version of Superman. His name is Unified and he's the son Apollo and Midnighter would have had if that were biologically possible. Speaking of Apollo and Midnighter's child, where has Jenny Quantum been? I would think Midnighter would have kept in touch.

Midnighter's thoughts couldn't be further from a little girl he once thought of as a daughter as he sits naked in Apollo's bed saying all of the things that will lead to a rigorous bout of fucking. His fight computer is also a foreplay computer, remember! I say "remember" like that's canon revealed in a previous issue and not what it really is: just a thing we all know is true.

How cute. Apollo has a Superman mug.

Henry Bendix informs Amanda that Midnighter is still alive and that it's a good thing. Because now Henry can hone in on Midnighter to open teleport doors so the Suicide Squad can attack Spyral. Since The New 52 began, members of the Suicide Squad don't die. Some almost died early on but Amanda had a formula to resurrect them. Eventually some of them blew up due to using the formula too much but that's been about it on the death front. I think the name suicide in Suicide Squad is meant to be ironic now. Although they've got a new guy on the team who Midnighter can't stand, so I have a feeling Thinkfast! will die this issue. Poor Thinkfast! We hardly knew you. Or your actual name.

Helena takes down Captain Boomerang and Midnighter pierces Parasite's heart with a harpoon. But he'll be okay because he still has Midnighter's healing powers. Not that Midnighter would care if Parasite died. I just mention that so nobody thinks somebody other than Thinkfast! is actually going to die this issue.

Why do people with death wishes keep joining Task Force X? As I've pointed out, nobody ever dies! They're never going to get their wish! Even stupid Thinkfast!

Thinkfast! should get a sidekick named Hertz Donut.

The Unified is up and running and Henry Bendix sends it to Modora to teach them a lesson. Good thing the DC Youniverse has so many little countries that have no innocents living there and can't really be categorized as any actual race in the real world. Or, you know, it might look bad! Modora is just full of sort of white guy terrorists from one of those tiny Eastern European areas where all the jerks decided to live.

Apollo and Midnighter meet Henry, Amanda, The Unified, and the Suicide Squad in Modora for a good old fashioned final issue beatdown. I have no idea if the next issue will be the final issue or not because I'm too lazy to figure out when Rebirth begins.

Midnighter #10

This is going to be an analogy about sucking cock, right?

Whenever anybody begins any sentence with "Even as a kid...", I know I'm talking to one of the most boring fucks alive. Because you know that sentence is going to end with explaining to me how mature and adult their thought process was when they were young. Who wants to brag about that?! "Even as a kid, I had a huge fucking stick up my ass and couldn't completely lose myself in nonsense and whimsy." Some of you might be thinking, "Tess, what does this have to do with Midnighter?" Others of you might be thinking, "Welcome back, Tess! We've missed you!" You see, I've made a decision. I'm probably going to write a lot more of these than I have been but not as many as I used to. If I'm feeling in the mood, I'll possibly write one per day until the end of the comic book week and then I'll finish up the stack with short reviews. If I'm not in the mood, I'm not going to fucking worry about how huge my stack of comics are and just write other shit I want to write. I'm also going to masturbate more to the sound of women masturbating. Oh. You know what. Forget that last part. That was probably too much information.

It's sentences like that one about masturbation that keep me from getting advertising on this site! So click the Donate button and help a brother buy some female masturbation porn.

When last issue ended, Midnighter was getting his ass kicked by some guy named Thinkfast! or Monday Morning Quarterback. Or something. It was an exciting fight because Midnighter was all, "I can see what you're going to do before you even do it!" And Thinkfast! was all, "I already saw that you saw what I was going to do and decided to do something that you didn't know I was going to do!" And Midnighter was all, "Ouch!" Thinkfast! was a new member of the Suicide Squad who were after Midnighter because he took that thing they were trying to take which was some pistol that shoots demons.

Midnighter's buddy (I hate to use the term "buddy" if he's Midnighter's boyfriend but I can't remember their relationship so "buddy" will have to do) has been left at the scene to chastise Helena Bertinelli when she shows up.

I hate when other people try to manipulate me! And I'm, um, conveniently blind when I manipulate others.

Midnighter is allowing himself to be held by Amanda Waller while he finds out what she wants from him. Amanda needs to remember that no comic book exists called "Amanda Waller" and so she's always going to be the one being fed her own asshole by the person who does have their name on the cover of a comic book. I suppose "Suicide Squad" is technically her book where she gets to prepare and serve other people's assholes but only occasionally. Often she has to watch as Deadshot or Harley fry her asshole up in a pan until it's medium rare and then serve it with a little garnish and some mashed potatoes.

Here we see Amanda Waller taking the opportunity to practice serving up asshole. She's excellent at it!

Amanda threatens Midnighter for a bit before he escapes his bonds and begins killing her guards. She leaves the room with a smile so it's possible Amanda wanted this to happen. That's the problem with a sneaky git like Waller! She's better than Bertinelli--Hell! She's better than Batman!--at manipulating the people around her. Hopefully before Midnighter escapes Belle Reve, Deadshot will catch up with him for that dick measuring thing.

Midnighter escapes using a Squad ship which is able to track down the Suicide Squad who are currently moving Henry Bendix to a safer location. Bendix is just as big a jerk in the DC Youniverse as he was in the old universe whose name I forgot. Just DC Universe, maybe? So while Amanda wants to keep him safe so they can work together on a project to enslave humanity, the Suicide Squad might not care enough about his safety to risk getting murdered by Midnighter. Although according to the cover, Parasite won't be able to resist snacking on Midnighter.

Best panel since The New 52 began or best panel ever?

I was exaggerating in that last caption. I didn't actually mean that was the best moment in DC Comics over the last four years. I just meant it was a fucking good moment. But then I realized that declaring something the best on the internet is just asking for a bunch of people to start telling me the actual best moments (all different) and who the fuck wants to hear a bunch of people with awful opinions tell me things that aren't even close to being true?

Although if people wanted to point out some of their favorite moments, I wouldn't totally dismiss them outside of my own private thoughts.

Midnighter dodges a bunch of bullets before he finds the one bullet that will hit him in a spot that will fool Lawton into thinking he's dropped Midnighter but which won't actually hurt that badly. Then when Deadshot closes in on Midnighter instead of shooting him from a distance because Deadshot is apparently stupid, Midnighter crushes Lawton's hands. Too bad for Midnighter, Parasite has begun siphoning away Midnighter's healing powers. Although too bad for everybody who isn't Midnighter, Midnighter never loses. So this whole bit where the Squad suddenly has the upper hand? That'll be over in a few pages. Unless this is the shocking cliffhanger ending! And then we'll just have to wait another month before Midnighter defeats everybody and fucks the prince.

Turns out this is the cliffhanger ending! Midnighter is thrown unconscious onto the ship he flew in on and shot up into the sky where Harley triggers it to self-destruct. Maybe this wasn't a cliffhanger ending at all! Maybe this was just an ending! How come cliffhanger endings never end poorly? Is the hero coming out of it alive a necessary part of the cliffhanger? Would this still be a cliffhanger if next issue was just twenty pages of debris and pieces of Midnighter raining down over the city?

Midnighter #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. Why isn't this book surviving the Rebirth? Why do people hate Midnighter? Especially when he's written this well? Especially when he's having exciting adventures? Especially when his sexuality is being treated with dignity? It's also possible that DC screws all of its minor characters by concentrating on Superman and Batman which creates a fan base that only likes Superman and Batman and doesn't buy anything without those characters in it thus forcing DC to concentrate even more on just Superman and Batman. Maybe DC plans on making Midnighter the main star of Action Comics!

Midnighter #7

He can't be having the fight of his life in issue seven! Why bother buying any more if they're all going to be less exciting?

The cover probably means "the fight of his life up until this moment" even if it doesn't say that. But that's also trouble in the comic book world because that means the next fight will have to be even bigger and scarier and more life threatening or fans are going to be disappointed! If I were designing the covers of comic books, I would say stuff like "This is a pretty exciting fight but it could probably be better!" and "Midnighter fights a fight!" I wouldn't want anyone reading this book only to think, "I've previously read a fight of Midnighter's that was way more of his life than this!"

The fight mentioned by the cover is against Prometheus, Midnighter's boyfriend. Or probably ex-boyfriend at this point. You might remember Prometheus from such classic tales as "Rock of Ages" or "Prometheus Unbound" and--odds are being that this is a comic book--probably one called "Past Tense," "Future Imperfect," or "Gorilla Warfare."

This issue is called "Prometheus" which is bad news for Midnighter because 80% of the previous issues were called "Midnighter."

Prometheus tells Midnighter his origin story which is a twisted reflection of Batman's origin. Parents gunned down but by the police instead of a mugger. Inherited a lot of crime money and underworld influence instead of less criminal money (depending on how strong your views that capitalism is crime) and societal influence. Prometheus traveled the world to learn everything he could to accomplish his quest to destroy justice just as Bruce Wayne...well, I'm certain you're familiar with that story.

Oh! Oh! I bet his mind programmed their weaknesses too! Like how Batman is...um...he...what is Batman's weakness? Pussy?

That caption was vulgar but it was also a Catwoman joke. If you realized it was a Catwoman joke, you're among friends here! If you were angry at the vulgarity hinting at possible (probable?!) misogyny then you might need to recalibrate the way you view things while reading my commentaries. I'm not as gross as disgusting as you might first think! Sometimes I'm fairly clever! Like how I called Catwoman "pussy"!

I've told this story before but I've written so much bullshit, you might have missed it the first time! When I was a little kid (in single digits, probably!), my cousin Jerry who was four years older than me had Steve Martin's Wild and Crazy Guy album. We used to listen to it in the family room at my grandparents' house while my Grandmother puttered around the kitchen or dining room which connected to the family room. At one point, Steve Martin says, "My girlfriend has the best pussy!" And then he acts disgusted by the crowd's reaction and says, "I was talking about her cat!" I used to laugh hilariously at this bit without ever knowing that pussy meant anything but cat. So, yes, I didn't get the joke and I was still laughing at it. But then Steve Martin is a funny guy! I sometimes wish that I'd asked my grandmother what she thought of that. She never said anything or chastised us which I think was the exactly appropriate reaction. If she had said something about how we shouldn't be listening to it or that it's disgusting, I would have worked out what it was and a little bit of innocence would have died. Instead she let us be kids by realizing we didn't fucking know any better!

If you're skeptical about a small child figuring out what pussy meant simply because a parent might tell him it's gross, listen to this story! In second grade, our class designed paper airplanes and went out to the playground to fly them. Mine kept crashing immediately and so I said, "My plane sucks the big one!" Who knows why I knew that phrase but I did! And my teacher, Ms. Marshall, was shocked! She scolded me for using inappropriate language and made me sit on the bench while the other kids flew their planes. I spent that time putting together what "sucked the big one" could possibly mean. Well, it didn't take long to figure it out. Which also led me to ask my older cousin questions like "People suck those things?! What for?!"

Midnighter fights back and gets the upper hand. It's a good thing there was a full month between the end of the last issue and the beginning of this one so I can forget exactly how beat up Midnighter was. At this point, it seems reasonable that he's in great condition and full strength!

Prometheus decides to debate while fighting because that must be one of the fighting styles of the thirty people he's gone up against. Definitely not Batman though because Batman just says things like "TT" and "hurr". It's probably a villain since they can never shut the fuck up while fighting. As, you know, Prometheus is demonstrating right now.

I don't think Midnighter kills to punish people for killing. I think he both simply likes killing and also likes making innocent victims feel better by learning that the assholes who hurt them got what was coming to them, Midnighter style.

Midnighter shoves a doorknob into Prometheus at one point (not like that, you pervert) simply so he can shout "Door!" He's planning something with his portal technology! Maybe he already opened a tiny door in Prometheus's small intestine and it's leaking shit all up inside Prometheus's chest cavity now! He's making him literally full of shit since he's obviously so figuratively full of it!

Dammit. Now I want that to be what's going on.

Hey dum-dum! You don't think the God Garden has the technology to recover memories from disembodied brains?!

Midnighter smashes Prometheus's skull and turns to walk away. That's when Prometheus pulls out his precious Cosmic Key and teleports to safety. Hmph. Some fight of his life! I mean, it was a fight, sure! But Midnighter was never in any danger! Except maybe of being bored to tears by Prometheus's lousy philosophical arguments!

Later in Oakland, Midnighter's friend Jason gives him the good friend break-up speech. "It's not your fault! They were an asshole! Don't waste your time on garbage like that!" I usually like to give that speech to my friends when they're still super excited about their new relationship! Mostly so I can say "I told you so!" when they inevitably breakup! It was also my Best Man's speech at Doom Bunny's wedding! It might not have been the most appropriate toast I've given.

Oh yeah! In the ruins of the house Prometheus built just to kill Midnighter inside of, Midnighter found an old picture of himself as a young kid. He took it with him because he had a cute plan for it.

That's so sweet! Or is it creepy? Inappropriate, maybe?!

Meanwhile Deadshot raids a Spyral location to recover something called The Perdition Pistol. It may or may not be the thing that shot the Body Snatcher Bullets in the Midnighter Sneak Peek. It probably isn't but I thought I'd remind everybody that I remember things. Sometimes. Deadshot kills a lot of people so it looks like, at least in this comic book, he's back up to snuff. Or whatever.

Midnighter #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book just keeps getting better even though there wasn't any gay sex in this issue. At least, I don't think there was any gay sex in it. Having never had sex--I mean, gay sex, of course!--I wouldn't know it if I saw it! The closest I ever came was when this guy Michael leaned over me topless and asked, "Have you ever been with a man?" I said, "No." He responded with, "Do you want to be?" That's when my life completely changed! I mean, obviously if I had said yes, my life would have been totally different. So when I said no, my life completely changed from the one where I could have been having loads more sex than I'm having now! Stupid un-experimental younger me! Um, buy Midnighter! It's gay-reat! Was that patronizing? I didn't mean for it to come off that way! In my next review of Grayson, I'll end with "He's gre-straight!" That'll make up for my insensitivity!

Midnighter #6

Midnighter can't outthink sentient, stretchy microchips. Although it does look like he's going to try to blow them.

I'm sorry, homosexual community. I should stop making everything about sex just because the main character of this comic book is a gay male. Although I also make everything about sex when the character is a heterosexual alien female with gold skin as well. So maybe I should apologize to gay males and slutty aliens. As an aside, I put no moral judgments on the term "slutty". It's just a descriptor! If anything, I love slutty women! I would love to be considered a slutty man but I think you have to have loads of sex with lots of people and not just tons of sex with yourself to be considered slutty. I also make everything about sex when the character is Dick Grayson but that's only natural, right? You can't not think about sex when you're reading a comic book sporting a major boner. Not because I'm gay! I don't want anybody thinking I'm cockteasing the gay community by pretending to be gay! It's just that I know every female character dealing with Dick Grayson is going to have engorged and tender lady parts because he's so charming and handsome. I wish I was like that! But all the women who meet me merely wind up with freshly salted snail slugs in their underwear.

Last issue ended with Multiplex about to do something incredibly stupid. That something was attacking Midnighter. I'm sure Multiplex thought he was doing something clever by flying a military attack helicopter outside of Midnighter's apartment window on Thanksgiving because that sounds like a fairly sound plan to kill whomever you want dead. But Multiplex really should have discussed this plan with somebody other than other versions of himself because they wouldn't have simply said "No, no! That's a great plan, Me!" and "Terrific idea, Me old chum!" and "Fantastic! He'll be deader than a Christmas Goose!" and "It's just Thanksgiving now, Me. Do you think we can keep the Christmas talk until December?"

Hopefully the person flying the helicopter really is Multiplex or I'm going to wind up looking like a simple Master Comic Book Reader.

Midnighter's boyfriend realizes they're under attack by a gunship so he hands Midnighter a meat tenderizer so he can destroy it. Really, Matt? A meat tenderizer? Do you have no confidence in your boyfriend? I would have tossed him an olive with a toothpick through it. That's more than enough for Midnighter to destroy an attack helicopter!

The fork is a nice touch. I would also like to have seen Midnighter kill some Multiplexes with the turkey carcass and some gelatin.

Midnighter boards the Apache or whatever the fuck kind of helicopter it is (what am I? One of those nerds obsessed with military weapons and vehicles? No offense, you big nerds. That's a cool hobby. Although wouldn't it be cooler if y'all created some kind of Magic the Gathering type game but it was based on real weapons of war and you could dress in your authentic military outfits while commanding your card army full of the best weapons of every war? You know what. Forget I said that. It probably already exists) and kills a bunch of Multiplexes. Then Multiplex reveals why he's an idiotic supervillain and not a super genius supervillain like Lex Luthor or the other ones that you never think of because you can always just say "Lex Luthor."

I don't think even a Teen Plus comic book can show what's going to happen to that meat tenderizer.

Here's why Multiplex is so stupid! He shouldn't hate Midnighter! He shouldn't even be a villain! He should rent out his multiple persons as training dummies for super heroes! He should train under Bronze Tiger or Richard Dragon, Master of Kung Fu. Then he should hire himself out to Batman or the Justice League or the Teen Titans or STAR Labs to be the ultimate training simulator with costs far less than any of the electronic ones constantly getting smashed to bits. Although I do love that he's becoming Midnighter's nemesis because this recurring battle will be a lot of fun.

Midnighter lands the helicopter on the roof of his apartment building after doing whatever unspeakable thing he did to Pilot Multiplex. Now he's got a free helicopter! I bet Multiplex is completely broke now. He should hire himself out to STAR Labs now!

Since Midnighter's apartment has been destroyed, he and Matt decide to travel the world while it's being renovated. That also gives Midnighter time to hunt down more stolen God Garden technology. He still hasn't found the person who stole it all in the first place. My bet is still on it being the real Lucas Trent.

Matt is able to travel because his job is giving his clients bread and circuses so it's easy to keep them happy. I guess that's a business that can never fail, right? I'm going to open a clown bakery and never have an unsatisfied client! Although I'm fearful that it might devolve into murderous teenage battles every few years. Bah! I'm sure there's some kind of insurance that covers that!

While on their trip, Matt's dad is beaten by the people who hate Midnighter because they were smart enough to put gay two and two together. Does this mean Midnighter is going to have to be less cavalier about his identity?!

"Let's see...there were an infinite amount of them. They were all the same height. They all had the same voice. They were in ridiculously stupid costumes."

Midnighter heads out to a men's restroom to beat up some thugs for information. Midnighter doesn't find any information but he does get to pull some guy's whole face off at the guy's own request. So that's a successful bathroom break. I guess.

Midnighter has no leads but Matt's father isn't so sure it matters. He doesn't care if the people who hurt him pay. He's not quite as obsessively vengeance-minded as Midnighter.

Coming out as a heterosexual to my mother was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

Midnighter is discovering that his computer brain is malfunctioning. Don't worry, Midnighter! That's just one of the effects of being trapped in a small town in Connecticut. Your head gets fuzzy and you fill your stomach with warm cocoa and everybody's accents make you feel like you're in a cartoon version of America. You eventually forget what the word "ambition" means and begin engaging in mundane hobbies like bird watching and taffy making. Perhaps you settle down and write a warm, nostalgic book about growing up in the eighties. It'll all feel normal in no time!

Although it's also possible that everybody in town is covered in Holt-Griffin Skin and your boyfriend is secretly the supervillain Prometheus!

Yeah. It's that second one.

Midnighter #6 Rating: +2 Ranking. Some of you may have heard that Midnighter is a homosexual. But--and this was super surprising to me--this comic book isn't just for homosexuals! Can you believe it?! When I first heard Midnighter was going to have his own comic book, I said, "But wait, DC Comics. How am I, a raging heterosexual who loves heterosexual so much that I might be the poster child for heterosexuality, understand a comic book about a gay superhero? Won't it be confusing? Won't I be constantly thinking, 'Why did Midnighter act that way?! That's not how a heterosexual would act!'" But guess what, comic book fans? Midnighter's adventures are completely understandable! At least the adventures that don't take place in other guys' mouths and pants. I don't get those adventures at all. I mean, I like the way my own penis looks. And I like touching it. Which really makes you wonder why I don't like touching other guys' penises, right? I mean, I'd put my own penis in my mouth if I could! But that's not gay for some reason. Right? Um, anyway, this book is fantastic and it's for everybody! It's even for scared white heterosexual male comic book fans who think they're losing stories for them when a character is not straight and white and male! Seriously, you fucking idiots. This is one of the best comic books on the stands and it's only partially because the character is gay. Because let's face it: the fact that this comic book is the best portrayal of a gay character in mainstream superhero comic books is a good part of the reason why this book is as superb as it is. Hell, it might currently portray the best intimate relationships in all of DC Comics, homo or hetero!

Midnighter #3

What's with all the green goo in the air?

I don't know why people hate being thought of as slackers or idlers so much that they have to defend anything they do as somehow important or laborious. Why does everybody want to appear to be so busy and enterprising? Is it because fathers cast so many dour looks in everybody's direction? Is it because we have so many means of idle entertainment constantly at our fingertips that everybody is trying to justify what little work they actually do? Although it's definitely not a new thing as this excerpt about poetry from William Butler Yeats' poem "Adam's Curse" proves:

I said, "A line will take us hours maybe,
Yet if it does not seem a moment's thought
Our stitching and unstitching has been naught.
Better go down upon your marrow bones
And scrub a kitchen pavement, or break stones
Like an old pauper in all kinds of weather;
For to articulate sweet sounds together
Is to work harder than all these and yet
Be thought an idler by the noisy set
Of bankers, schoolmasters, and clergymen
The Martyrs call the world."

What a fucking drama queen! You write poetry, dude! It's not fucking hard work, at least not in the same sense as the other labor you suggest of scrubbing kitchen floors with bone ash or breaking stones in poverty. I don't think coming up with rhyming observations and petty criticisms of the world is so fucking difficult that you'd rather be breaking rocks. Then the woman he's speaking with basically says, "Yeah, totes. Imagine how hard it is just being a woman and having to be beautiful!" I wish Yeats and his friend had had this conversation in front of a bunch of sailors and miners. Then they would have learned how hard life can be!

I get the bitterness of nobody appreciating something you've done which you've put your passion and soul and many, many hours into. But you're a fucking poet! Ask the other people in your poem who are breaking their backs if they're appreciated and I have a feeling they'll feel the same way you do! Oh! So that makes this poem universal! Well then, good job! You've proven yourself! And thank God that nobody nowadays says, "Hey, you know that Yeats guy that wrote poetry? What a fucking idler! Lazy, that one!"

I probably wouldn't have had any problem with the poem if Yeats had simply said, "Fuck those arrogant banking pricks and righteous clergymen and fascist schoolmasters! What I do isn't idle bullshit! I'm doing something with meaning!" But he had to go and say writing poetry was harder than severely difficult manual labor. Boo fucking hoo, you cock.

Um, anyway, the last issue of Midnighter ended with Midnighter excited that he was going to be able to kill dozens and dozens of Multiplex's clones. This issue begins with that same scene and even some of the same dialogue. I think. I seem to remember that thing about Midnighter suddenly realizing when his birthday is. Hint: it's today! Because he just got a load of killable presents!

But then, because this is a comic book, the scene changes to one hour earlier on the next page.

It's here where we learn Midnighter can't dance.

This issue is called "Midnighter." Get it? The last one was called "Midnighter?" with the question mark. I bet next issue will be called "Midnighter!" I can't wait for that one!

Midnighter's new case is finding a missing girl who was kidnapped by the same people who infiltrated the God Garden and stole some of the Gardener's favorite gadgets and doodads. I guess this mission will lead him to Multiplex and the man, Mister Rohmer, who hired him.

There it is! The plot and the mystery and the connection and the missing girl all in one page! So efficient!

Midnighter rescues the young girl and smashes the technology stolen from the God Garden. It's probably better if he doesn't recover any of it since it's obviously not safe in the God Garden. Security there is slacking when it comes to clones and probably nanobots and maybe even Spyral.

Back to the battle with Multiplex, it's over in one panel of lots of little panels of Multiplexes being mortally wounded. Finally (I mean after that one page), Midnighter stands with the final Multiplex over his head and Rohmer kneeling before him begging for his face. He knows his life is already forfeit so he really just wants his body to be recognizable when it's recovered. But before he dies, he blabs the name of the Russian selling God Garden technology. So now Midnighter is one step closer to meeting the real Lucas Trent! Probably!

After the victory, the story returns to Apollo and Midnighter's breakup.

How was this breakup written so perfectly?

Often when I scan some panels from a comic book scene that I particularly like, depending on how famous the scene is, somebody will need to comment on what happens after the bit that I scanned, especially if it maybe changes the tone of what I chose to present. I hate those fucking people. I don't hate anybody, not even Scott Lobdell, but I hate those people! It's like pissing in my mouth. Apparently nothing can just be the thing it is without somebody else trying to tear it down or make it all about themselves. Try to remember this is about me, people! Jesus.

Anyway, I mention that solidly logical stuff in the previous paragraph because the panel after the previous scan has Apollo saying, "Maybe you just did." But I didn't like that scene ending that way. I didn't like the scene turning on Apollo's last observation of the breakup. This is Midnighter's comic book, dammit! And his final line was perfect and didn't need to be stepped on by Apollo's snarky little addendum.

Finally, in a scene from tomorrow, we see that Midnighter will once again be tangling with Dick Grayson. We'll learn why starting with page 2 of Issue #4, according to how this issue's story was told.

Midnighter #3 Rating: No change. I changed my mind about not hating anybody except those people I previously mentioned. I just read the "Are You Ready For..." final page of the comic and I forgot that I hate Brenden Fletcher as well. Look at his stupid, bearded face! His sweater and his skinny jeans! His "Seems I didn't really take well to figures of authority. Go figure" quote! You might be co-writing two of my favorite DC Comics (and one that's adequately acceptable), but that doesn't mean I have to like you! Eww, Brenden Fletcher! You're so smarmy! Probably!

Midnighter #1

Midnighter is a sadist in the way Batman is supposed to not be one (although is often portrayed that way ignorantly and incorrectly and to the boners of many happy psychotic Batman fans who don't truly understand Batman and should probably be saving their boners for Midnighter).

I have to apologize to DC Comics. Because The Midnighter Sneak Peek took place in a Teen Rated Comic Book and not a Teen Plus Rated Comic Book, I assumed that DC Comics didn't feel threatened by homosexuality. Seeing as how this is a Teen Plus Comic Book, I'd like to say I admit to how wrong I was about that and I'm sincerely sorry for portraying DC Comics in a way antithetical to their beliefs. Midnighter is a gay man who loves sex and Teens who are not yet Plussed need to be protected from that lifestyle. Sorry I misspoke before gathering all of the information in Convergence: Nightwing Loves Oracle #2!

It's also possible that the Teen Plus rating is due to all the violent skull crushing Midnighter is about to revel in. This is probably going to be the anti-Grayson comic book. It's about a guy who isn't nice at all who believes the world needs less hugs and more severe beatings if it's ever going to get its act together.

The issue begins with somebody I don't know (because they're in shadow the entire time and the artist is trying to make it seem at least a little bit feasible that it's Midnighter) infiltrating The God Garden and throwing the old lady out into space so he can steal The Dragon's Gold. None of that means anything to me. Not the Dragon's Gold. Not the old lady. Not the God Garden. None of it. Sure, I remember some of those things from when they appeared in Grayson. But I have no idea how they fit into the overall Stormwatch/Authority mythos.

If I had to guess (which I don't have to but I'm going to anyway), I'd say that the person infiltrating The God Garden is Lucas Trent who, we'll find out, isn't the identity of Midnighter at all. We'll discover that Midnighter is probably a clone of this guy or something and that he's angry at Midnighter for stealing his destiny. Or something. I'm sure cloning will be involved somehow. And Nanobots!

The real Midnighter is currently on a gay date. No, I didn't have to preface date with "gay" but this is a facetious site that uses disgusting lowbrow humor to make my dick jokes look classy. I think it's important that I establish as early as possible that Midnighter is gay. And violent. And mostly a pretty big asshole who doesn't care about justice so much as punching people in the throat. He may also be less sexually aroused by men than he is by breaking bones.

Hey date guy! Superman keeps his identity secret to protect the people around him! Midnighter obviously doesn't care about the people around him. You're fucked.

Some Modoran freedom fighters warp in and begin murdering everybody with their own rage by using Butcher Blasters. I have no idea what I just typed. But don't worry! They spout even more profound nonsense about how America is nothing but rage and hate and how their country of Modora is full of fascist caramel goodness with knowledge of all of the correct ways to be. Or something. It's more stuff I don't really understand. But that's okay because Midnighter is easy to understand! He's probably going to kill them all because they ruined his dinner! I may not be able to understand the intricacies of international relations resulting in events labeled by one side terrorism and by the other revolution, but I can understand getting pissed off that somebody knocked over your vichyssoise.

Okay, I lied. I don't even know what vichyssoise is or if it can even be knocked over.

Midnighter spends the next few pages killing all of the Modorans.

Yes. Awesome. I'm sure it's not horrible at all seeing five or six people's heads explode all over the room if they happen to be the bad guys.

Don't get me wrong! I'd be exhilarated to find myself still alive after a bunch of terrorists threatened to take my life. I'm just not sure I'd be lying in my beshitted pantaloons saying, "Awesome." I'd probably be weeping. It's possible later, after a few months of therapy, I'd use "awesome" when telling the story. But I'd also probably believe the guy who saved me was Batman.

Later Midnighter has some fish and chips at a bar where we learn that he and Apollo are taking a break. Remember how superheroes in the DCyou can't have stable relationships? So now it's just night after night of sex with an endless wave of hot young men for poor old Midnighter. Stupid rules at DC Comics forcing Midnighter to have multiple brief life-affirming affairs instead of one long endless fuck into the grave. Jerks!

After eating, Midnighter picks on some guys playing pool for no reason at all.

I like the line and the scene but what did they do?! It was the guys at the bar who moved away from him when he began talking about his lack of relationship with Apollo! Granted, I don't have Midnighter's senses. These guys could have been talking shit! But not super horrible shit because they're still alive. Probably just the garden variety shit that your (not my!) grandparents talk.

Being that this is America, I don't think the previous fight in the restaurant earned the Teen Plus Rating of this comic book. I mean, violence is kid friendly, right? We've seen enough proof in DC Comics that DC doesn't give a shit about violence in their ratings. Some of the most violent scenes in The New 52 happened in Batwing and Batman and Robin but those were never rated higher than Teen. So if this is going to earn a Teen Plus Rating, it needs way more than Midnighter shoving his fist into an open mouth!

Oh yeah. DC knows which orifice the fist goes into to earn a Teen Plus Rating!

My scanner is homophobic. It took two tries to scan that image.

This is the last time I bring up the ratings on the cover (probably). I'm not trying to start trouble with DC Comics just to start trouble. I'm positive they're not homophobic. If I just wanted to start trouble, I would have believed that Batwoman couldn't get married because it was gay marriage as opposed to believing that DC Comics just doesn't want heroes in stable, loving relationships. But I think DC is kowtowing to a certain segment of the population by rating their comic books in a way that obviously sees sexuality between same sex couples and women who have multiple sexual partners as being more cause for concern than decapitations. Midnighter is obviously a violent book so DC Comics is right to rate this Teen Plus. But judging by their past use of the label, I have to question if the violence is the real reason for the rating. People might think it's nonsense but I think it's somewhat harmful to portray gay sex or woman who enjoy sex as more adult than violence or men who enjoy sex. Men can have all the sex they want (with women!) in their own self-titled comic books and it'll never earn a Teen Plus rating. So why is Catwoman a Teen Plus book? Well, here's the reason: DC is trying to avoid angry parents with antiquated belief systems. You know, like those dinosaurs Midnighter mentioned earlier. The ratings on these books mean absolutely nothing but they're there so DC can point to them if angry parents see their kid reading something they don't think their kids should know about (even though they already do). I say it's time for DC to not give a shit anymore. Teen or Teen Plus...what's the difference? The only difference is that you're displaying a certain amount of bigotry and prejudice by placing your comic books under one of the two labels. Stop letting ignorance control you, DC! Although, seriously (and this is why I'm done talking about it), who fucking cares about your ratings? Nobody fucking cares about your ratings. Nobody.

Except me apparently. And possibly DC's lawyers.

Midnighter injects a one-way radio chip into the neck of his 378th lover. It's so this guy, Jason, can contact Midnighter if he ever sees anything that could use a little Midnight help. Jason thinks it's just a Booty Call Device.

This explains some of that stuff I didn't know about.

Midnighter gets a call from The Gardener and has to leave. Does that mean she's one of his 378 lovers implanted with a Booty Call Device? She needs Midnighter to stop the person who raided The God Garden. Midnighter isn't sure why he should help her until she mentions that she kept a Secret Origin File on Midnighter and his past after she created him. That fits right into my belief that the thief is intimately connected to Midnighter! Not that kind of intimately, pervert!

Midnighter #1 Rating: 8.5 Cracked Skulls out of 10. I guess I'm into this story and ready to see where it goes. At least DC Comics is allowing a gay male character to actually have sex. That's something you never really see in mainstream comics. Sure, you can have lesbians kissing and fondling and going at it because that caters in a pervy way to the male gaze. But two men tearing their clothes off and enjoying a good old toad in the hole? So rare!

Convergence: Nightwing Loves Oracle #2

Fathers reunited with imaginary versions of their daughters! Daughters reconciled with homophobic fathers! Ugly ass babies being born! And now a boring fucking wedding?! What the fuck, Convergence?! Where are all the corpses?!

When did Convergence go from Multiversal Thunderdome to Young Romance Comics?! Not that I'm upset, mind you. But before I put my dick in my hand, I want to know if I'll be pleasuring myself to romance or violence! You can't just spring a wedding on me when I'm expecting Hawkpeople to be disemboweling decapitated heads! The most I can hope for is that the wedding takes place on page one and the other twenty-something pages take place in the honeymoon bed and then along the floor and then into the shower and then upside down on the counter in front of the mirror and then hanging off the balcony and then on Koriand'r's face. I just love romance! Especially extended, hard pumping romance!

Last issue, Hawkman was all, "I'm going to bite your face off, Dick!" And Hawkwoman was all, "That's so gro...oh! I heard you wrong. Never mind." And Oracle was all, "Take cover, Hawkfucks! Your gooses are cooked!" And then she laughed at her own joke for five minutes.

The hair is going up! Shit is getting serious!

I made a handy chart when I began writing screenplays for Hollywood years ago that helps me to write women better! It looks like this:

Writing a serious woman? Have her put her hair up!
Writing a sexy woman? Have her take her hair down!
Writing an innocent and naive woman? Give her bangs!
Writing a confident, well-rounded, intelligent woman with a few human flaws and frailties to really give her character depth? Just make her a man!

Nightwing has gone off to battle the Hawks while Oracle stays behind in Gotham pretending to be a coward. But really she's saving the day. And this day is really important because it's the day that all the heroes must fight to the death to save their cities. None of them seem to be obeying the rules though, at least not in the previous Issue Twos that I've read. They're just ignoring the fight and getting on with their lives. That seems reasonable since none of these heroes kill, so how can they participate in a murder contest?

Nightwing's opening gambit is to crash the Batwing on top of their heads.

Hawkwoman's opening move is better: call Nightwing an Earth Monkey! The truth of the statement has got to sting.

Nightwing was actually in a vehicle called the Rocketwing. It's part cocoon and part motorcycle and part trampoline. Just what every acrobat needs! Dick springs out of it like a dick out of a zipper! He goes after Hawkwoman first which makes Oracle really uncomfortable because Hawkwoman has a lot of sexy skin (and other attributes that are even sexier than skin!) showing.

Oracle gets in a helicopter to go slap Hawkwoman into some clothing. Meanwhile she leaves a fully robed figure behind in her clocktower computer lair slash apartment slash rave-space. As she flies to the battle, Nightwing continues to surprise the Hawks with his skill and his good cheer and his optimism and his finely honed glutes. The eczema sticks he fights with aren't very interesting. Even if they were spelled correctly.

Is "peacock" a joke about Dick's name?

The robed figure is Black Canary. She was in a robe because fishnets get cold on planets out of space and time. Also she was hiding from the flying, spying, listening bacon making machines. Oracle called her in so she could scream into the Absorbascons and cause the Hawks to go deaf. Then they'd lose their balance and fly into walls and vomit all over themselves. What a hilarious prank!

Some people would have typed "what an hilarious prank" but those people are pretentious jerkos!

Black Canary screams and the Hawks are all, "Eek! Ouch! No fair!"

Watch it, Hawkwoman! She means business! Notice her hair is up?

Hawkwoman smashes Oracle's helicopter with her mace. Instead of making a small dent, it destroys the fucking aircraft because her mace is electrified. It's also probably made out of Nth Metal. That'll teach Babs to make helicopters out of anything but inertrite. Babs crashes, crawls out of the wreckage, and climbs into her wheelchair. Hawkwoman, being ableist as fuck and gross and icky too, begins to walk away figuring that a crippled woman that just barely survived a helicopter crash has been defeated. But Babs pulls out her excretion sticks and calls Hawkwoman "Buzzard Girl." Yeesh. Have some respect! At least call her Buzzard Woman.

The name calling causes Oracle to get punched in the face really, really hard.

Of course she underestimates Babs! Her hair is down! Who wouldn't think they could easily defeat a sexy woman in a wheelchair?

Nightwing has defeated Hawkman and Black Canary, monitoring Oracle's computer program, hacks the Brainiac bots so they can destroy the bacon-making machines. The Hawks are defeated. Instead of killing the Hawks like the rules clearly state, Oracle invites them to live in Gotham. Does she also invite all of the other citizens of Flashpoint Gotham? Are they simply condemned to die? Maybe I should turn the page to find out instead of assuming the worst.

Nope. No offer of salvation. They're all doomed to die! Except we all know, every DC reader in the world, that all of the cities will be saved! Even the bad ones full of bad people who are totally bad.

At the wedding, Dick mentions an earthquake. That was also mentioned in Convergence: Superman #2! It must be Skartaris collapsing on top of Telos and freeing everybody from Brainiac's control. What happens to all the cities on this planet after that? I guess that's DC Editorial's decision!

Convergence: Nightwing Loves Oracle #2 Rating: I see what's going on now! The writers on Convergence were told to write a story bringing back characters from past DC Timelines. But they weren't just supposed to bring them back as they were! They were supposed to make some kind of big change to them to make their returns more meaningful! So in The Titans, Roy Harper got Lian Harper back from the dead. In Superman, Clark and Lois had little Jonathan Samuel Kent. In The Question, Renee Montoya was to get back with Batwoman or have her father die or redeem Two-face or all of those. And in this one, Babs and Dick were married. So instead of all of these Convergence issues ending with some heroes and cities meeting their dooms, they're just making a huge change to these old characters. The actual Multiversal Thunderdome part of it kind of disappears in each Issue #2 as the main threat is taken care of behind the scenes in the Convergence Weekly book.

Divergence: Midnighter
"Spinning out of Grayson comes a solo series starring the man who can predict your every move ... but no one will be able to predict what he'll do next!"

Why should anybody be able to predict what Midnighter will do next? Those two statements really have nothing to do with each other except that they both have the word "predict" in them. Get rid of the fucking "but!" Hee hee. Fucking butt.

The Sneak Peek begins with a surprise scene that nobody could have predicted!

Midnighter wears Batman underwear?! I mean, Midnighter and Apollo aren't together?! I couldn't figure out which was more shocking so I went with both but put them in "most shocking to me" order.

This is more proof that DC Comics is afraid of female sexuality. They don't care about gay sexuality as long as it's between two men because this comic still has a Teen Rating. But if this were Batwoman? Or Catwoman? Teen Plus, baby! Maybe it's mostly because they're old fashioned and still believe that the majority of comic book readers are heterosexual males. So male readers (unless they're gay!) won't be titillated by this and thus it doesn't need a Teen Plus Rating. But if a heterosexual male were to read Batwoman kissing Renee on the lips and then down the neck and then along the breasts and then on her erect nipples and then on her underboob and then on her...I just lost interest in continuing that sentence for some reason. You get the idea!

Midnighter rushes out of bed to go murder some Warrior-style gang members who have already killed four people.

I was just speaking of pantloads earlier when I lost interest in my sentence!

The gang members have a gun that turns people into demons. But Midnighter notices that the bullets are "body-snatcher bullets" which transmit information allowing aliens to beam down into the bodies of the victims. Midnighter kills one because it beamed into one of the gang members. But one of the shots of the gun went wild and hit a little girl standing nearby. That alien he just threatens while mentioning some of the classic work he's done as a member of Stormwatch (unless he's never been a member! What's the status on Stormwatch since the Crayola Timelords?! I forget!). The alien flees and Midnighter walks off through the fire and blood and general destruction caused when he saved everybody's lives. The end!

I'm sure Apollo will wind up being a frequent guest star, right? Right?!

Batman Eternal #44

When is the glass going to become sentient and come after Batman to avenge all of its children he's killed?

I want a Bat-Passport like that guy with the Guy Gardner haircut! Where does it allow you to travel?

It's time for Course #4 in Trixie Belden's So You Want To Be The World's Greatest Detective Detectivanting* School!

*Detectivanting is when you do detective work while gallivanting across the globe. It's a pursuit mainly for the rich and idle, and they tend to cause more trouble than they cure by their interference. They also do a lot of drugs, drinking, and fucking. I need to put a pitch together for Image Comics.

The Fourth Course is a visual crime scene analysis! That's super exciting because they make lots and lots of television shows out of that boring ass career choice! Here's the crime scene:

"Look at this, Trixie! Why would the local paper publish pictures of a recent crime scene still under investigation?" said Honey as she sexily pulled her underwear over her head. "What do you expect from a police force that relies on teenagers to solve their crimes?" replied Trixie as she traced a finger down the ever increasing soft, fuzzy hairs on Honey's midsection. "Besides," said Trixie as she shoved her other hand down the front of her own trousers, "This burglar can't even burgle! Look at all his mistakes!" Honey gasped and shuddered at Trixie's touch. "He must be really new at his job!"

As a Detectivant in training, my first order of business is to make the victim feel guilty. So I point out how he's an idiot leaving the combination to his safe right on his desk in plain view. Also, he shouldn't leave his wallet and $100 bills in plain sight of uncovered windows. That's just asking for trouble! And who installs a wall safe on the outside wall of their house?! That's easy access on the backside hanging out of the wall! Criminals don't even have to break into the house to break into that safe! Idiots! As for the burglar, her mistakes are obvious! She brought her cat along and it clawed up the wall safe and knocked over that cup of coffee. It dragged away one of the burglar's gloves to play with and the burglar didn't notice. Having to chase the cat around the room, the burglar stepped through the coffee spill and left footprints everywhere! Being distracted by her cat (I guess she took the whole "cat burglar" thing literally), she missed the car keys (for an easy getaway) and both Tiffany lamps! She also left behind her scuba snorkel which is going to be chock full of DNA! And last of all, she left a big hunk of her own skin torn off on the glass as she clambered out of the house. She was probably found half-bled out blocks away with her cat munching on her wound.

The Answers misidentify the burglar as a "he," so I know not to take them seriously. I was correct in all of my observations.

This issue begins with all the Arkhamites involved with the destruction of Arkham selling out the guy behind it all: Professor Achilles Milo, aka the guy on the cover with the Guy Gardner haircut.

Batman and the Batkids begin the search for Achilles while Bat-Satellites scan the city with facial recognition software.

My guess is he's here on 433th.

Meanwhile Batwing is beating up ghosts in his apartment which has become infested with them ever since he came back from his trip with The Spectre into a supernatural nightmare. One of the ghosts is Amadeus Akrham's mother. I hope he lets her stick around instead of punching her in the face with his new Nth Metal Knuckles. Luckily I just recently watched the episode of The Brave and the Bold where Batman beats up Gentleman's Ghost with his Nth Metal, so I'm in the loop about how it is the only useful weapon against spirits.

Spoiler has decided she doesn't want to hang around the Bat-Family since they're funded by Bruce Wayne and she knows Bruce Wayne is behind this entire attack on Gotham City. She's probably not wrong but she's also not exactly right, either. So now she and Harper get into a big fight while Cullen tries to play Double Dragon in the other room, constantly yelling at them to keep it down. He probably thinks they're just having sex. I think a stun gun sounds exactly like a vibrator.

Batman catches Milo at the Gotham International Airport and they have a big fight scene together. It's composed of two punches. One punch to Milo's face, and Milo punching the floor. Wait. I said that wrong! Dammit.

Milo gasses everybody in the airport with some kind of "I'm Going To Get You Fuckers" gas that makes everybody go crazy with blood lust. So while Batman is busy taking care of them, Milo escapes out onto the runway. But Batman's Batplane is watching the exits and catches up to him.

If Batman is so against guns, why is the Batplane equipped with two Gatling guns? Do they shoot explosive Batarangs which are much safer than bullets somehow?

As Batman tries to beat some information out of Achilles, Milo's drugs merge and reform into a bunch of ghostly, talking hands. They seem to think Batman is finally ready for the truth. Probably because this series is fast approaching the end and we've all waited long enough to find out what's going on.

Batman Eternal #44 Rating: No change. Almost exactly nothing happened this issue. Batman hunted down a person that was only introduced in this issue. And that was the extent of things! If you feel like you've already spent too much on this series, go ahead and take a break from buying this issue this week! Unless it's too late. Sorry I reviewed it four days after it was released.

Futures End: Batman #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!

Welcome back, Scanners! Old Goggs gonna start dis here broadcast mit a prayer ta The Goddess mit her prayer randomizer, sees? Mos'ly acause Old Goggs forgits 'bout all dis prayer nonsense now dat da fuckity prayer gong been burnt ta da groun' and she out roamin' upsdown all dese forgottens backroads roundbout Old York.

"Bringem forth him what cussed up da camps, sees? Lets alla dem all dat heards him spout off, layem dem hands updown his head, let's da congregated dusters gather up stones and bonks him in da heads. And da Muses shalt sing up on da kinderen of The Real, saying, 'Whosoever sayem da GD-word shall bury sin. And he what sayem dat word dat shouldna even be said as "da GD-word" acause dat jess as bad as sayin' da fing itselfs, dat bonger shall Shirley be put to deaf, and everduster mit a stone gonna make sure of it. Dis donna jess go fer alls us believes dis partikular hooey, neither. Dis goes fer dem Resurrectionists und dem femignostics and dem believers in da Ways of the Liard und dem dats won't be named for want a keepin' yer head and da Apeists und da femimystics and alla dem ovver peeps I cain't be bothered ta fink of. And he dat corpse any duster shall Shirley be corpsed hisself. And he that corpse a beast shall be all, "Yo, 'pologies, heres...takem one a mine, feels?" Und if a womans squeezem a neighbor's blackhead, so dat woman gonna git one a hers squeezed too. Bitch fer bitch; I for I; truth for truth: as she caused dem pimples, so she gonna git dem too. Ya knowit, likem I jess saids it like uno sentences ago.' So da Muses spokeded ta da kinderen of The Real afore dey all got down ta some proper killin' a dat jerko what said da GD-word which pobably should be calt somefing else now dat ever duster goin' 'round finking it's okay ta stub dey toe and say, 'GD-word!' The Goddess knowit what be in yer hearts, dumb dumb!"

Amens ta all dat, whatevems it means. Now dat Old Goggs feel all self-righteous y spirychal, she gonna git on mit da littyrapture funfun horsedick what stitches dese here broadcasts togevver so ya all fink she gots somefin actual ta blah blahs about.

Batsman so far up his own ass, he fink he da onny duster can keep da world safes.

Batsman cain't trust da safety uv nuffin ta noduster but hisself. So what makem him fink one of his clones gonna da as good a job? Dat clone might has his DNAs and it even gonna git his thinks and thunks updownloaded inta its brains but dat clone still ain't gonna be Batsman! If Batsman really bein' dis obsessed mit safin' da world, and knowin' he da onny joker be able ta safes it, den he should be flushin' all dis clone nonsense. Go git yerselfs a Lazarus Pit, ya dumb dumb. Ra's al Ghul dis shit and dictator up, ya fuckity control freak. How does dis fucker not trust no duster but hisselfs anyways?

Goggles thunked dat she knew alls 'bout trust, way back minutes ago in dem Saint Lois days. Kep some peeps close ta her bosoms and proclared dat she trust 'em. But she didna truly unnerstand what trust meaned. It weren't jess not fearin' dey gonna rush off ta tell her secrets. It weren't jess knowin' dey gonna be dere fer her ta do whatever she assed em ta do. Old Goggs fergetted dat ta truly trust someduster, ya gots ta lissen ta what deys says, und help dem mit what dey needs, und be dere fer dem as well, no questyshins asked, sees it? Goggles thunked dat askin' peeps ta trust her and be dere fer her were da onny side of trust dere was. "Trust me" uz almays comin' outta my mouf. But did I ever jess lissen ta somefin Skates or The Prof or Alice B Toklas, Goddess bless her smile, be sayin' und respond mit a, "Sures! Of Course!" Naw. Goggs almays responded mit a "Why for?" or a "Not now" or a "Does dat really seems importants now?" Weren't until Buzztown dat Old Goggs learned da true power and freedom of trust, sees? Dat power and dat freedom...? Dat gonna be da way forward, truths. Dis Batsman shit awhere he refusem ta let go? Dat way jess bigbig troubles.

Batsman breakem inta Lexcorps ta git him some fink designed by Niles Caulder dat gonna give Bats da 'bilities ta clone hisself for ever and ever y dust affer dust. But Lex Luthor ain't one ta not notice when some duster, even Batsman, be stealing his shit.

Lex Luthor mayhaps be da brainsiest man on Earf, but he ain't gots a Batscomputer.

On da uvver hands, Luthor does gots a Bizarro. Sures, it jess a half-ass, mos'ly raw clone a Superman but den Batsman be onny half a Batsman rights now anydusts, seein' as how he gots a brokened back und weak heart und foal's legs. But dis here bein' a Realfeel™ DC Comic, Batsman gonna haff ta win. Even if dis here be an alterny-future story. Dose da bess kinds ta show how kick ass da Batsman be, anydust.

Course Batsman escapes aldough he donna kick Bizarro's butt like some dusters might spected. Lex Luthor's failsafes kilt all da Bizarros whilst Batsman crawls outta da wreckage mit da Niles Caulder Cloning Kit. Den deres dis final scene what pobably comes closest ever ta Batsman and Alfreds conceiving.

"Little sperm has found a way to make a baby and ruin your day."

Fuckity kinderen, rights? One fing peeps still feel like doin' in The Dusty Streches be each ovver. So kinderen ain't never in short supplies, feels it? But not allsa you alls wants em, sees? Dat's why no-go places like Upper Kinder Camp extanted demselves, sees? Abandoned kinderen what never knowed love and onny ever knowed want? Dose em da mos' dangerous peeps in The Dusty Stretches, believe. They ain't never known civilization. Dey jess knowed hunger and thirst and loneliness and need need need. Unfulfilled desires am dere language since dey mos'ly never been taught anuvver. Da older kinderen, da ones what run dem nightscare places like Upper Kinder Camp...dey make goodgood koku takin' peeps unwanteds und bringin' dem out ta Upper Kinder Camp heres outsides Old York, or Death Carousel outside of Portantland up norf, or Dick Scary's Busytown jess outside Reading City. Dese places...dey ain't fer us, sees? Dey ain't never been fer nobody but kinderen born ta be monsters frough no fuckity fault a their own. Jess careless, senseless, selfish pricks dat jess wanted ta fuck und soon got stuck mit responsibilities dey ain't wanted. Upper Kinder Camp und places like it...dey might be deaftraps, fer sures. But dey also might hold somefin mos' us lost long time back. Fer da brave, und da compassionate, und dose what wants a new way in no way similar ta da mess what come afore und turned everting inta dust...dose places might hold hope.

Goddess keeps yer crack warm, und Old Goggs talk at ya nex' time.

Constantine #15

Terrific cover for so many intellectual reasons that I don't have time to think about because emotional and immediate reactions are more important anyway.

One of the biggest problems plaguing human beings is how immediacy and emotion generally win out over thoughtfulness and speculation. Many people have learned a crippling manner of deconstructing texts in which they zealously ferret out a way to read something as offensive. And if the surface layer of the text (or art or experience or doughnut) is already upsetting, even better! Now they don't have to stop and think, "Why?" They don't have to bother with puzzling through what is being said and figuring out if there is any subtext to the offensive piece. Nobody stops to think, "Perhaps there's more here than I first thought?" Well, they do if their first thought is, "Why wasn't I offended? I'm sure this is offensive! Let me figure out why I should be so angry at this!" We really have become people who have replaced critical thinking with merely being offended. Who has time for thinking and responding when you can just blow up while telling other people to shut up?

I can't deny living by the seat of my emotions is far more exciting than spending time rereading Nocenti's comic books to truly see if there is any merit to them. It's much more fun to scream and rant and rave about how bad they are than to really dig into the meat of her words, pulling marrow from the bones of her themes, and giving her the benefit of the doubt that she's actually creating a meal and not just shitting on the table and asking me to eat up and enjoy. I don't often take what I'm doing seriously which is why making joke after joke about how awful Nocenti and Lobdell are fill most of my posts. And since I'm trying to write a little something about each of fifty-two comic books per month, I just don't have the time to be truly critical of the texts I'm reading. Knowing I don't have time to be truly critical, I opt for the complete opposite. I think the complete opposite of "truly critical" is "wildly facetious."

What I mean to say is that I'm not putting myself above those who suffer from the malady of expressing themselves in pure immediacy without reflection. I'm engaging in it here in Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea as well. The difference is I'm fucking joking around. Sure, I'm pretty mean toward specific individuals but that's part of the joke, an essential piece of my blog persona. People sometimes ask what I'd do if I met Scott Lobdell as if they believe I'd walk up and spit on him as opposed to treating him respectfully as he (and we all) deserve to be treated. Although we also deserve honesty so I'm probably doing him a disservice if I actively ever told him I enjoy his writing. But I wouldn't tell him to his face his writing sucks! I'd just avoid the topic altogether!

Anyway, not only did this issue begin with a great cover, it also began with a great first panel (which belies the fact that I'm sick of Narration Boxes. But I never said they can't work when done well!):

I think a lot of people and places have a decent amount in common with Charlotte and Hong Kong.

I've been to Hong Kong and I thought it was perfectly fabulous. Except for the smog. China's smog was smothering it! Also they use dollars so I felt like I was spending real American money instead of weird fake currency like Yuans or Bahts. Although it felt like everything was about ten times more expensive than it should have been. "What do you mean a Big Mac costs twenty dollars?! This is ridiculous!" Then I threw my tray through a window and stomped out chanting, "USA! USA!" Anyway, I probably only thought Hong Kong was fabulous because I was rotting from the inside more than Hong Kong was rotting from the inside. So it's rot seemed fresh and tasty compared to my rot which was gross and like something you'd pick out of your asshole at the end of a long camping trip sans bathing opportunities.

Anyway! Constantine and his sword containing the soul of Foghorn Leghorn are busy infiltrating Graceful Moon's Lucky Time Hotel For Good Fortune. Foghorn Leghorn says, I says, it's probably a bad idea. But Constantine doesn't know the meaning of the phrase "bad idea!" He thinks it means "opportunity!"

Once Constantine arrives at Graceful Moon's suite, the comic book opens on a double page spread of stunning visuals covered up by a host of Narration Boxes explaining the visuals. I suppose Ray Fawkes wants to make sure that the reader understands that everything in the picture is some kind of specific good luck charm. But since that's all that Constantine has been pointing out up until now, the reader probably could have guessed that the moths and the banners and the monkeys were all there to bring good fortune.

It's Foghorn Leghorn! Go on! Tell her!

Meanwhile Tannarak and Sargon consider the problem of Constantine. Tannarak isn't worried because The Cult of the Cold Flame has access to "the greatest pool of magic in history" while Constantine only has "his endless monkeyshines." Hmm. I think I'd rather have access to something endless than something limited even if it is the greatest! As soon as you run that pool dry dealing with Constantine's monkeyshines, he'll still have an endless amount of monkeyshines! Tannarak spent too much time studying magic and not enough time with his arithmetic.

Back in Hong Kong, Constantine is giving Graceful Moon a taste of his monkeyshines. Mmm! Tasty! But also medicinal!

Take a gander at the monkeyshines, Tannarak. Notice how they always seem to come through for Constantine?

Constantine does that thing he does where he barely does anything and the other mage defeats herself. This time, he blocks Graceful Moon's magic for just a few seconds. But that's long enough for Hong Kong to take back all that she's been stealing from it by manipulating its luck and good fortune strictly for her use. Like a punkass kid at the bottom of a wishing well, it wants its wish back. It wants all the wishes back.

While Foghorn Leghorn was in the grasp of Graceful Moon, he learned from her that it was indeed Tannarak that taught Constantine his first spell which ended in the death of Constantine's parents. Some other shit happened that I'm not sure about but which causes Constantine to get a glimpse of the future where the chains holding the magic realm together are breaking apart. And that's the end of this issue.

Constantine #15 Rating: +2 Ranking. Constantine is much better when he's not involved in a team book involved in a crazy crossover. I'm also not a big fan of his attempt to balance magic so the world doesn't fall into ruin. Which is why I like this story line so far. He's not going after the Cult of the Cold Flame to save the world; he's after them because Tannarak fucked with his life and he wants some kind of revenge for that. If his goal happens to coincide with saving the world, he can always use that knowledge to try and impress Zatanna.