Justice League Dark #39

Stop being so adorable, cover.

Some people would nitpick this cover to show what huge pop culture brainiacs they are. But I'm cool with them genderswapping Velma and having Scooby Doo wear a trenchcoat.

Don't try to make sense of that last paragraph! I'm in a mood!

This issue starts off explaining how nothing turned into something and that something it turned into was God so that God could start making some things that make sense from a human perspective. But never mind that part about God being created from nothing because that's just nonsense. As every believer knows, something can't come from nothing. And something can't just have always existed without an explanation. It's better just to assume an intelligence so infinitely superior than ours has always existed and, for some reason, that intelligence didn't decide to make us until it had already existed for infinity. It couldn't love us that much or it would have created us as soon as possible! Which would have been after an infinite amount of time had passed. Just imagine how many other creations this infinite intelligence created before getting around to us! And we're a pretty shitty model, so you've got to assume that we were just another practice batch. The infinite intelligence is probably still trying to work out the kinks, like cancer and racists. And free will, probably, because that shit really fucks up the bake.

When did Swamp Thing get so knowledgeable about universal matters? Stick to bulb facts, Rooty!

This issue is called "Pralaya" for some reason. Isn't that one of those Denny's breakfast promotions? "Come in for Pralaya! All month long! All you can eat pancake stacks! Get 'em before they disappear in an unending miasma of entropy and butter!"

Justice League Dark are attacked by dark creatures of a dark so dark that they are what darkness was before we gave it a name and exposed it to the light. It's like dark that no human eye has never not seen! It's the kind of dark that lies behind the darkness that you can't see! Somebody should have brought a flashlight. I wanted to say "torch" so that I'd sound British but then I figured my American readers would believe I meant an actual torch and then they'd be all, "But wouldn't Frankenstein freak out?"

I don't really care what my American readers think anyway! So I should have just stuck to my blunderbusses and said torch!

Some vast, dark creature is narrating as it watches the Justice League Dark torn apart by its dark darklings. It marvels at how these creatures fight even though they're insignificant motes in an infinitely vast eye. It just makes the Narrator sound naive! As if every one of us, once we realize our lives don't matter, should put a bullet through the roof our mouths. Look, Narrator! Even if I knew my life wasn't just insignificant but actually harmful to all existence, I still wouldn't kill myself because only when I'm dead will there be no time for another cookie. But while I live, cookies!

Oh! Oh! I know what's happening!

When the Justice League Dark left the Land of Imagination at the Beginnings of Time, they teleported into John Constantine's toilet! Now he's been watching them struggle to battle his turds as he laughs about how insignificant they are in his eyes! His turds are full of curry which is why they burn when they touch, dissolving Frankie, Swampy, Orchid, and Boston. Now John has flushed and he's sending them all down around the bend. I bet as they start to whirl around the bowl, they'll begin to be attacked from above by the yellowest of yellow drippy creatures!

The Justice League Dark begins to fight back because how embarrassing would that be if they were taken down by a bunch of floating turds? Deadman rallies like never before as it finally dawns on him that he's a ghost. And one of the special powers given to ghosts by God is the ability to turn into an army of ghosts. Ectoplasm is an infinite resource, I guess.

It's shit like this that has caused me to grow weary of this book.

The mystic whatzits are always super powerful and nigh on unbeatable for mystic reasons. But then the Justice League Dark all individually rally back using whatever power they have so that it looks like they're going to defeat the mystic whatzits with their ingenuity! But then the mystic whatzits redouble their efforts and Justice League Dark falls to the mystic whatzits. Then they're captured and have to free themselves which they do because this time they decide to put their all into their magic because they were just half-assing it last time. And they rise up to defeat the mystic whatzits with the exact same magic they had at their disposal the whole time and in a way that isn't ingenious or imaginative at all. They just put more "oomph" into it!

The way they save themselves this time is something they always do as well! Somebody mentions a spell (this time it's Tempus Durant, Time Stop) and the others all say, "But that's so dangerous! Do you think we should?!" And then the one that's about to attempt the spell says, "We don't have any other choice! We're dead either way!" And the others all go, "Good point! Why did you even bring it up for discussion then and waste all of this time? Just cast it already!"

Always what? Always remember Paris? Always hate him? Always appreciate that he took the time to satisfy your needs before pulling on his pants and heading outside to have a fag?

The Nightmare Nurse refuses to let Zatanna die because she has really decent health insurance. Once she's all better, it's up to these three ladies to save the entire multiverse from the Dark Narrator!

Also, the Dark Narrator introduces herself before they get to the final battle which probably won't happen until the last issue anyway. For now, she's just a big naked hottie named Pralaya and she's out of pancakes.

"Party's over! Everybody back inside!"

Zatanna likes the sound of heading back inside the womb so she dissolves the Time Stop spell and allows Pralaya to consume them all (using her vagina, I'm assuming. Her own words!).

Once everybody is consumed and everything is dark and quiet, a new House comes blasting out of Pralaya's vagina! It's the House of Hope! Unless her IUD just slipped out.

Justice League Dark #39 Rating: No change. I guess JM DeMatteis has decided the DC Universe needs one house for each color of the spectrum? The House of Secrets is probably based on greed. The House of Mystery is based on fear. The House of Wonder is based on love. And now the House of Hope is based on hope. I can't wait to see all of the other houses! Somebody should really paint them in their appropriate colours.

Justice League Dark #38

Maybe help the lady out, Flash?

I actually left the house and went on an adventure downtown yesterday! First I stopped by Billy Galaxy's which has tons of cool old toys and old comics and old Dungeons and Dragons materials but everything is way overpriced. It's still a neat little store to browse through and, if you don't mind paying a premium, you might be able to find the missing piece to some old toy collection. I like the store well enough and decided to support them so I paid nine dollars for a loose Super Powers Hawkman action figure. For thirty years now, I've had a Hawkman with a broken wing he received while riding shotgun in the Batmobile. Batman must have been drunk that day because he thought it would be a good idea to drive the Batmobile straight off the back porch. The car flipped upside down and landed on Hawkman's wing, snapping it off completely. I figured it was about time I replaced him.

I also stopped by the Doc Martin's store to see if they had any bright pink Doc Martins. They did! I asked an employee if they might possibly have any which would fit my feet and she said the largest size they make them in is a man's ten. I said, "Perfect! Bring them out!" As I opened the box, I knew they'd fit lengthwise but my feet were going to be too wide. I tried them on and still almost shelled out however many clams they'd cost (I never asked the price) but common sense told me the width would be a problem. So once again, I had to forgo bright pink Doc Martins because the world isn't ready for a world where shoes for men aren't completely boring and more boring. The employee sympathized with me and said, "I don't know why they don't just make them in all sizes." And I said, "Right on, sister!" Except I didn't say that part. I just said, "Thank you," and left.

Next I met the Non-Certified Spouse at Powell's where we each bought a book even though Powell's is the most expensive used book store in the history of used bookstores ever. People might think living in Portland is the bees knees because they have the biggest used bookstore ever and it's super famous and let's all jerk off over it, but they never consider the downside. Most of the books in Powell's aren't used. And even the used books are priced way higher than they should be. And because Powell's is so popular, smaller used bookstores find it harder to stay in business so there is a dearth of cutesie, affordable used bookstores with cats living in them here in Portland. Fuck you, Powell's! Although I still kind of love Powell's too. I think I'm in an abusive relationship with Powell's.

Finally we ate at the McMenamins under The Crystal Ballroom. I don't know what that one is called because I really wasn't paying attention. We prepared ourselves for a long wait punctuated by infrequent visits from an obnoxious server but were pleasantly surprised to get the one member of Mcmenamins' waitstaff who was friendly and timely. He did throw a few more thumbs ups at me than I was comfortable with. I was beginning to feel like I owed him a quick suck and tug by the end of the meal. Living in Portland, I guess I'm just not used to friendly service anymore!

And that's what happens on days that I actually venture out into the real world! I wind up ignoring Justice League Dark completely!

The issue begins with Swamp Thing, Frankenstein, Nightmare Nurse, and Andrew Bennett sailing across the seas of nothingness. I hope I don't have to read twenty-two pages of J.M. DeMatteis conversation between these characters. I mean, what else could possibly happen? They've sailed past the edge of everything and are now outside of all space and time!

Don't worry, guys! It's just the Zatanna tree!

Over in the Realm of Now (no, Now! Now! Now! Now?), Deadman, Black Orchid, and Madame Xanadu also become consumed by the Zatanna tree. Now Justice League Dark will all be together again and they'll return to the point in time where the House of Wonders ceased to be. And everything will return to normal and this comic book will end and life as we know it will never be the same again. Also, a bunch of people will begin buying DC Comics again simply because "The New 52" label is finally going to be dropped and they all believe that means "The New 52" has been cancelled and they're going to get their precious fictional characters back. Pshaw. They'll get what DC gives them and they'll like it! Or they'll stew and pout and bitch and moan about change just like old white men constantly do.

In my day, DC Comics destroyed infinite worlds and we liked it! We didn't have any of this "internet" in which to find other like-minded people with which to commiserate. Although to be fair, DC Comics really kind of sucked before Crisis on Infinite Earths. So it's not a good analogy to The New 52 because DC actually had some good shit going on before obliterating it this time. But, like always, things change not for the better or for the worse. They just change. So The New 52 has some shitty stuff and some really fucking good stuff. And the good stuff keeps getting better. I've been wondering when DC was going to finally drop The New 52 from the covers. I think that, and Conviviality, and all the new books beginning in June, will bring back a bunch of readers. It'll be up to DC to keep up the quality and maintain the new readers after that.

I'm particularly looking forward to the revamp because I've been saying all along that DC needs to concentrate more on individual stories and less on continuity. It looks like they're going to try that for a bit.

Anyway, Zatanna has now made friends with a face-tree living in a psychedelic miasma.

The Justice League Dark all wind up in Zatanna's land of imagination. Everybody hugs and enjoys celebratory cupcakes (except for Boston because he can't eat them and nobody will let him possess them to enjoy his cupcake and Frankenstein sat on it anyway). "Unnnh," he said, "I have cupcake on my pants." Then everybody laughed and the credits rolled.

Okay, maybe they didn't laugh. But they did have a long, boring discussion about whose little adventure was the worst and the pain of fantasy. And no matter how much I wished it, the credits refused to roll over any of it. Hopefully they'll get back into the House of Leaves and figure out what they're up against. And the World Tree decides to make it easy for them by creating the house right before their eyes.

Yggdrasil equals Zampanò's House of Leaves equals The House of Mystery. I'll buy that.

The House of Mystery takes the Justice League Dark to a place called The Heart of Chronos where time is created. And to their dismay, they find it ass-full of Time Gremlins! I think they're also known as Langoliers.

Zatanna manages to kill all of the Time Gremlins by expelling all the magical energy she's collected while living in her fantasy world. But she fails to seal the leaks in the Heart of Chronos. That might be a problem for the team next issue.

Justice League Dark #38 Rating: -1 Ranking. This story, "The Amber of the Moment," has had four parts so far. Two were interesting enough to entertain me and two were horrible enough for me to throw up in my mouth two or three times while reading them. And the Justice League Dark is still in the dark about what's going on. Is that where they get their name?

Justice League Dark #36

Ugh. Who invited Felix to the party?

After falling victim to The House of Wonders (that's what it's called when The House of Mystery fucks the House of Secrets), Justice League Dark fell into some kind of vortex where they were transported to fantasy worlds. Or non-fantasy worlds. Or future versions of the worlds? I don't know for sure because I've only read Zatanna's story so far and she was transported into a magic world where her every thought became reality. I guess she landed on Fantasy Island. This issue, we'll find out where Ada, Andrew, Alec, and Frank went!

I guess it's a good thing none of these four need to breathe. Except maybe Alec but I think he can provide his own atmosphere.

Alec's main issue is that he's been cut off from The Green. That seems to be more important than breathing because he begins to wither. But Nightmare Nurse helps him with a spell (what problem can't be solved with a spell?), and everybody seems fine. Although for some reason Andrew Bennett begins worrying about the air and the cold. You know, two things that vampires don't give a shit about normally. He's such a wannabe human.

It turns out all that's left of Earth is a hunk of rock. But it seems to have normal Earth gravity because nobody is floating off into space.

Why do you have to blame people? It's been billions of years! It's the end of time! So many other things could have happened to the planet! Like the mice could have taken over and built nuclear cheese bombs and blown it up into millions of hunks of dead rock! Or, um, you know, the sun could have consumed it in its death bloat. But probably the mice.

After Bennett flies off to find an In-N-Out Burger, the rest of Justice League Dark are attacked by Felix Faust Cooties with disgustingly graphic sphincters.

How is this comic book not rated mature?!

Felix Faust appears to the Justice League Dark as the gross caterpillar thing on the cover. He pulls Swamp Thing inside himself to digest him and Nightmare Nurse dives in to save him. Faust believes he has the upper hand but he's forgotten the number one rule of large creatures fighting smaller creatures: never ingest them without chewing first. The whole thing where somebody explodes out of the stomach of somebody else hasn't happened for quite some time in The New 52, so it's almost as if it hadn't already been overdone just a few scant months after The New 52 began! And I guess from Felix Faust's perspective billions of years in the future, it's almost as if it were never done at all. So I don't blame him for forgetting that you never allow the enemy to get inside of you in one piece.

Anyway, Felix Faust learns the lesson the hard way, spilling Swamp Thing, Ada, and his guts all over the barren landscape.

Once Faust is down, Justice League Dark faces another problem!

Wait. Why is the lack of oxygen a problem for a demon, a vampire, and an undead freak? Just get in close to Alec! Doesn't his skin produce oxygen?

The real problem is that Faust was maintaining some kind of mystic shield to keep out the Langoliers. Nightmare Nurse heals him and he restores the protection. I guess they're at a standoff now, so they're going to have to work together. To do what? I don't know. Invent games to play to keep from going insane from boredom?

Faust bitches about how the worst thing of all is the loneliness. I beg to differ. How long would company have kept him sane? Remember how Dr. Suess said, "Hell is the others"? Having companions would have just been another kind of unbearable existence. The real problem is not having any stimulation. No music! No movies! No chocolate bars or doughnuts!

Meanwhile in the time that has lots of time left, Zatanna is also fighting the battle against loneliness. This issue has the same message as 9/10s of all Twilight Zone episodes: loneliness is the worst! I think Rod Serling was a very needy person. Zatanna begins working on a way to locate her friends so that she can regain her sanity by constantly bickering with them.

Yeah, dumb dumb! Where are you going to go? Bennett already discovered there were no In-N-Out Burgers here.

Nightmare Nurse suggests that they ride out the end of the universe in a protective spell and wait for a new universe to begin. That pisses off Felix Faust's father, Felix Faust, and an even bigger, more disgusting gut-caterpillar attacks. That makes sense because even in a pseudo-imaginary story like this one, Felix Faust can't have any kindness within him! It makes sense that the kindness came from one of his clones of himself.

Son of Felix Faust battles his father to give the others time to escape to the edge of the world and fling themselves out into the void! That sounds like a shitty escape plan. But I guess people dying at the end of time can't be choosers!

Justice League Dark sail away on a ship made of spells. And that's as much of their story as we'll get for now. Next month, Black Orchid, Deadman, and Madame Xanadu (yay! I'll get to repeat my Haiku!) face their ordeal at the middle of time! That's the present, in case you were confused.

Justice League Dark #36 Rating: For a long time, I wasn't enjoying this comic book. But these last two issues have been enjoyable. So that's a good thing! And with this commentary, we reach the end of No Ratings November! The new rankings have been put up on the sidebar and, hopefully, I didn't miss any comics. Rank changes continue with the next commentary on Futures End #31!

Justice League Dark #35

How do you graft the arm of a ghost onto an Englishman? That wasn't a riddle.

Although this might be a riddle: Who can graft the arm of a plant elemental onto a ghost? A Boo-tanical Engineer! Ah ha ha ha ha!

When I last left Justice League Dark, they were swirling into a mysterious vortex caused when the House of Wonders separated back into its component parts (you know, the Houses of Mystery and Secrets!). I know these things because I read Justice League Dark Annual #2 first, as opposed to people who read this comic book when it came out and were forced to say, "What the fuck is going on?!"

This issue is called "Long Before Yesteday" and it's part one of "The Amber of the Moment." Neither of those titles help me figure out where the vortex leads. Probably some sort of crappy time travel story.

The entire team is split up because that makes things more exciting! Zatanna winds up in a version of Wonderland that completely sucks because it has giant green pigs spouting poetry. Nobody likes to hear people spout poetry unless they're at a spoken word poetry slam type of event. And even then, some people simply wandered in for some coffee and don't want to hear poetry shouted at them. I shouldn't be saying this since I have a poetry book that I'm going to be selling on this site as soon as I get it put together, but poetry is boring and stupid! Everything can be poetry if you put the right inflection into it!

That doesn't look like a pig at all! At least it's green.

Zatanna is saved by a younger, more alive version of her father, Zatara. She can't figure out why he's alive as she listens to his voice and remembers how he used to read stories to her. The answer is right there in your thoughts, Zatanna! You're in some kind of mystic world created from your memories. Which is why you were attacked by a Mome Rath which came across Zarathustra's Wall and were saved by your father Zatara! Also, the Mome Rath rhymes a lot like Etrigan, right? Although, Etrigan rhymes a lot like a lot of other demons that think rhyming two words together is the height of talent and creativity. Rhyming is fucking easy! Watch:

Box and Claws!

Fuck! Forget rhyming. Poetry that doesn't rhyme is so much better!

That last sentence was a poem! I call it "A Hater's Haiku!" Can you title a haiku or does that add to the syllable count? Oh, who cares? I hate non-Japanese language haikus anyway. They sound much better in Japanese when every syllable is practically the exact same length.

I can't wait until Madame Xanadu's chapter of this story because I have a haiku for her!

"Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt
Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt
Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt."

I especially like how that haiku takes a turn in the last line.

The magic carpet is from Dungeons and Dragons and flying into an open second story window to kidnap children is from Peter Pan.

The next morning, Zatanna discovers that her mother and a five year old version of herself also live in this place. Zatara tells her they're six billion years in the past but that's just stupid. How can they be eating walnut pancakes before the recipe for walnut pancakes even exists?! Ridiculous.

Zatanna learns that this place is pure magic and any thought can be made reality. That's when she realizes only her father is truly there and he's made up the rest of the family. Or did she make up him making up the rest of the family? Or did she make herself making up him making up the rest of the family? Or did she make up herself making up...oh, never mind! The Mome Raths are attacking! Worse yet, they're spouting poetry!

The "mome" in Mome Rath means "from home!" Meaning they've lost their way! Or so Humpty Dumpty would assert. And he has like tons of college degrees or something, so he's worth listening to. Anyway, that probably means something! The fact that these creatures are called from home green pigs!

Once again, Zatanna almost realizes that all of this is being created from her memories when she pictures the younger version of herself drawing a picture of her and her father on magic carpets battling Mome Raths. No wonder the Mome Raths don't look anything like they should. Zatanna was just a stupid kid when she first had Looking Glass read to her.

He doesn't have to go. He probably just wants to go.

While Zatanna cries and destroys the rest of the world, Frank, Ada, Andrew, and Alec walk around a barren landscape at THE END OF THE WORLD! But that will have to wait until next issue.

Justice League Dark #35 Rating: +2 Ranking. Finally a good issue of Justice League Dark! This was kind of like an episode of Lost. I have no idea where Zatanna is or what's going on but there was a good flashback story dealing with her life and her relationship with her father.

Justice League Dark Annual #2

Deadman, you're the worst ghost ever.

One good thing about being a couple of weeks behind on my comic book reading is that when I open up a comic book and the first page says, "See next week's Annual if you want to understand this comic book that we published a week before the story that comes first," I can actually put that stupid book down and pick up the Annual.

The issue begins with Zatanna and Constantine on a date in Paris. I know it's Paris because the establishing shot shows the Eiffel Tower. Since it's harder to get across "urine soaked metro station" in a picture, the artist always goes for the Eiffel Tower to help orient readers. You can also tell where the story begins because the Location Box states "Paris, France...". But since I don't know how to interpret the ellipsis at the end of the name of the location, my brain discarded it immediately. Also, John is pouring some wine and you only drink wine if you're in Paris and it's night. If it were day, they would be drinking coffee and trying to eat baguettes without battering each other in the eye.

I think this might be an alternate Earth as well because John and Zee are getting along.

Oh no. This is the correct Earth.

Why do you even bother, John? Just leave Justice League Dark and Zatanna alone already. You're always much better off on your own with your close knit cast of mortal characters whom you can sacrifice at the drop of a dangerous situation.

Constantine wakes up in a crazy house after thinking he was going to get lucky with Zee. Hopefully it's the House of Secrets and it's revealing to John one of his secrets that he keeps denying: Zatanna doesn't fucking love you.

While Constantine has suddenly found himself in the House of Secrets (a much more fitting house for John), Zatanna, Deadman, Swamp Thing, and the Nightmare Nurse have been transported back to the House of Mystery. I probably should mention that this Annual is called "War of the Houses," so I guess the Houses retain some of the sibling rivalry between Cain and Abel, their original owners.

The House of Secrets appears to John as a woman while the House of Mystery appears to Justice League Dark as a man. I like my houses of secrets and mysteries to be less sentient.

Sibling rivalry after all. Just between the New 52, non-religious versions of Cain and Abel? It's a weird choice since DC has never shied away from using Judeo-Christian characters and places in their comics. Maybe Cain and Abel just have too goofy of a history with DC.

Speaking of goofy, I feel like I've lost touch with my goofy. I'm sure it will return but until then, enjoy my stagnant and boring comic book commentaries that mainly exist to allow me to remember what's been happening in each book, month after month.

Ha ha! John fucked a house! How do you fuck a house? Shoot your semen into one of its drain-shaped orifices or allow it to massage you to orgasm with a steady flow of water from a bathtub spout? Oh, hmm. I bet we've all fucked a house!

The House of Secrets calls in its army which consists of Constantine, Andrew Bennett, Frankenstein, Black Orchid, and Madame Xanadu. Aside from that cunt Madame Xanadu, that's a pretty solid group!

I couldn't remember what I used to call Madame Xanadu instead of cunt but which I always meant as cunt, so I just went back to calling her a cunt. It's a long running, extremely important tradition to this blog and if you don't like it, fuck off. Or convince me that she isn't a cunt. Maybe I'll change my mind. But I know if I had a relative in my life that was always asking me for favors and telling me that if I didn't do that particular favor, the whole fucking world would end, I'd constantly refer to that relative as "that cunt." Why does the House of Secrets need her, anyway? All she can do is pretend to see the future! But the future she pretends to see never comes true, so why do people keep believing she can see the future? She has a zero percent success rate! Sure, she chalks it up to the future changing thanks to all the favors people have done for her, but that sounds more like manipulation! People need to stop listening to her!

Plus, that cunt broke Etrigan's heart!

Can't stomach a dose of your own medicine, Xanadu?

Both houses have an army and now it's time for them to go to war! This should be tremendously exciting! A huge war of DC's biggest and baddest mystical characters on the battlefield of all space and time! I bet there will be armies of Japanese Warriors battling cults of Celtic Druids from planet to planet! Romans versus Nazis versus Incas versus Thanagarians! Crazy, mystical magical spells that will summon demons and devils and angels! Other worldly gods will come to watch the battle! Pages and pages of the most exciting panels yet of The New 52! Holy shit, I can't wait!

Fuck. That's it? Houses blasting each other? Goddamn it.

Forget the house battle in space. I feel fucking liberated after calling Madame Xanadu a cunt! I've been shackled for too long by the comments of Natalie Whatsername! Who knew I was self-censoring because of a single person that decided she was speaking for all people everywhere? You know who you weren't speaking for, Natalie? Me! So suck it because...well, I don't know what because. It's just a stupid word! Also, I was offended by your words so you should apologize to me even if you didn't mean to be offensive because something about stepping on toes or something stupid. How dare you!

You've got your Houses mixed up, John.

I suppose it doesn't matter which House is which at this point since they're working together against the magical heroes. They've used them to create an enchantment that will allow them to...um...ew.

The House of Incest!

Goddammit, Madame Xanadu! You had one job! ONE FUCKING JOB! To see the future and make sure, if it were a bad one, to keep it from coming true! How did you not see that these houses wanted to fuck and become The House of Wonders? Sexy, sexy wonders.

The House of Wonders plants itself on Earth and enslaves everybody! Why? Because that's what Viruses do! And the siblings in control of the houses are actually some kind of virus that needed John and Zatanna's lust and hate for each other to fuel the viruses replication. I don't know what it's going to do with Earth now that it has it though. Replicate some more until Earth is ready to merge with Venus? Or Mars?

Madame Xanadu comes up with a plan to cut the House of Wonders' source of power: destroy the love between Zatanna and Constantine. Shit. That's a great fucking plan, Xanadu! Only a right, true cunt would come up with that one! I may get turned around on you if you keep coming up with brilliant plans like this! I've been waiting for Constantine to just fucking stop with this lovesick puppy business and, finally, it's going to happen! The way the spell works is that Constantine forgets that he ever loved Zatanna but Zatanna gets to keep remembering that she loved Constantine. So it's a fairly typical male/female breakup then?

After the spell is cast, Constantine winds up back on Earth, the House of Wonders is destroyed, and the rest of Justice League Dark falls into the vortex that they were in when I opened up Justice League Dark #35. So now I can read that issue and feel comfortable that I'm not missing anything!

Justice League Dark Annual #2 Rating: This was the most important issue of Justice League Dark since The New 52 began! Constantine's connection with Zatanna and the House of Mystery and Justice League Dark just never really fit the entire concept. You can't give Constantine too much to care about or he loses the essential bit that makes him Constantine. I know this comic book constantly tried to remind the reader that John was doing his noble shit just to help save Zatanna and not the world. But even that was too much! Constantine should have been simply concerned with saving himself! I suppose it's okay for him to make connections with other people here and there. But not important characters like Zatanna that you know will never be killed! Where's the tension in that?

Justice League Dark #34

Ain't no party like a Pantheon party!

I wish I were dumber than I am. I'm not even claiming to be particularly intelligent! I just want to be dumber! Because if I were dumber, I wouldn't be annoyed every time I see a commercial for a television show that I can't even type the name of correctly because it's filled with symbols that HTML will interpret incorrectly and I'd have to type something else to get the symbols to show but I can't even type that to show you what I mean because then you'll just get the symbol that's used in the title of the show, but I think you'll recognize the show if I use shorthand and just call it Scorpion. That show is about a group of "geniuses" that the government coerces into working for them because the "geniuses" are obviously idiots. In one clip of the show, a guy brags about his IQ being higher than Einstein's, as if it mattered or was somewhat impressive. Who the fuck cares what your IQ is, asshole. If you want to be better than Einstein, do something with your fucking smarts so that people will begin to use your name sarcastically when they refer to some dumb idiot.

The problem with writing a show about geniuses is that the writers aren't geniuses. So they can only project their inferior, stupid, moronic selves onto the genius to have the genius act how they, stupid peasants that they are, think geniuses would act. I have a feeling that the geniuses are going to learn a little something about life and common sense by hanging around with some good old regular folk, right? You know why? Because regular folk can only stand the idea that people much smarter than they are exist by believing that geniuses have no common sense, or that geniuses lack street smarts, or that geniuses cannot interact properly with other people. I'm getting an ulcer just thinking about how shitty this show is going to portray geniuses! I bet Agent John Doggett teaches them a little something about what it is to be human!

Now I might have to watch the show to gain more fodder for bellyaching in future commentaries.

Pantheon is gross.

Do I even need to comment on a comic book where nothing really happens? Because nothing has really been happening in Justice League Dark lately. I guess they kind of made Nightmare Nurse kind or something last story arc. Who could tell because I liked her the way she was. And now they're doing something for Boston Brand. But will anything really change? What will be the outcome of Boston Brand's adventures in Nanda Parbat That Was? Will he learn to love his intangible self? And will he get to bone the Nightmare Nurse?

Blah blah blah, magic is dangerous.

I've had it up to my bunny rabbit with magic being dangerous in the DC Universe. Why does anybody practice it if every spell is so dangerous? Every time somebody casts a spell in this comic book, two or three other people point out how fucking dangerous the spell they just cast was. Yet the spells keep on working and nobody has really paid much of a price for casting any of them. Can't somebody just be a happy go lucky magician?

Boston, unaware his teammates are bound nearby, meets up with his blue friend, Brahma Dass. Also, Boston is human again. If I were Boston, I'd remove the Deadman outfit so, if I were to die again, I wouldn't be stuck in that stupid getup. Even if it meant I was naked for the rest of eternity, it would be less humiliating. Unless being dead is really, really cold. Then I'd have to explain my teeny, tiny wiener to everybody I met every time I saw their eyes check me out downstairs. "The afterlife is freezing balls!"

Brahma Dass reminds Boston how he used to kidnap Boston when he was a child.

Back in the desert, Swamp Thing breaks everyone free by becoming a majestic dragon worm plant. Then he speaks with the dirt and learns the history of Nanda Parbat and Pantheon. It's a story of love and betrayal where Nanda Parbat loved Pantheon but then found a new love and forgot all about Pantheon. But Pantheon never forgot about Nanda Parbat. After Forever Evil: Blight, Pantheon awoke from a long, deep sleep and became determined to regain its love.

Meanwhile Deadman, for the second time since the Reboot, loses another body. He's too careless to have a body of his own. Anyway, he meets back up with Justice League Dark and now the story can end already! Let's just assume they kick Pantheon's ass, save Nanda Parbat, and return home. Maybe Nanda Parbat follows them back and begins a sexual relationship with the House of Mystery.

Can you die from sappiness?

Justice League Dark #34 Rating: -2 Ranking. This comic has been mediocre and boring for a long time now. My favorite characters in the DC Universe have always been the magicians and now J.M. DeMatteis is making me not care for them at all. I don't even hate them because DeMatteis isn't giving me anything to hate! I might as well have cleaned up the house a bit instead of reading this comic book. It would have been just as interesting and at least I would have felt like I accomplished something. Is it possible that reading a comic book increases the plaque build up on your teeth?

Justice League Dark #33

I thought this said "In the grip of the goose!" up until I scanned it.

Remember last issue when Zatanna quoted that great poet with the line, "Limitation isn't an impossible invitation, it's a delicious cookie"? The reason she didn't attribute it like she should have is because the quote was from J.M. DeMatteis himself. This is where a lesser blogger or one of Scott Lobdell's characters would say, "That's so meta!" But it's where I say, "What a fucking egotistical bastard! Quoting himself? Who fucking does that?!"

I can't wait to find out who this Goose character is!

This issue begins with Swamp Thing playing chess against John Constantine and Deadman theorizing about me.

That's so meta!

Deadman questions why Zatanna has feelings for John Constantine as Zatanna looks at old family photographs with the answer to that question.

Daddy issues!

I don't know how anybody gets any work done while connected to the internet! I'm supposed to be providing hilarious comic-book themed entertainment by writing fake angry commentary on DC's New 52, but instead I'm on Skype with Doom Bunny making fun of Hollywood movies. That could be an entertaining blog all by itself! Our Skype chats should be like a radio station where people could log in to read the feed. It's probably the funniest thing most of you will read all morning. I'm not bragging. If I were bragging, I'd have mentioned how big my cock was. But if you go back and reread the paragraph, you'll notice I didn't say anything like that at all!

I was going to ask why guys brag about the size of their penis when it's not really an accomplishment when I realized that somebody with a big penis would probably already know why they brag about it, so I should pretend I already know! So never mind. I totally know the answer to that question! Big time! Wink, wink!

Now you're probably demanding proof that Doom Bunny and I have entertaining Skype chats. I should probably just let you imagine how funny they are because reality is never as good as imaginity! But I'll give you a taste anyway because it fills space and keeps me from having to think up new things to write.

Me: "Do porn movie plots ever resolve?"
Doom Bunny: "I don't know! Does anyone ever make it further than five minutes in?"
Me: "Pornos should just tack on the wrong ending to all the movies. 'Hostage crisis that turns into gang bang. After gang bang, the zoo is saved!'"
Doom Bunny: "I think after about five minutes, the actors just get up and walk away. No one would ever know!"
Doom Bunny: "It would be awesome if the pizza guy still demanded his money afterward."
Me: "And then is pissed about the size of his tip. Brozingo!"
Me: "Then the cops bust in because he's underage. Then she fucks the cops. Then the zoo is saved!"

I've trademarked the term "Brozingo!", by the way. So don't think you're going to steal it and market it on poorly made Hong Kongian t-shirts! It's what I always say after I say something really stupid but I want people to think it was really funny! I totally didn't rip it off from anywhere at all.

And then the zoo is saved!

Deadman can feel whatever the body he's possessing feels, right? So I'm sure he possesses people at least once a day to rub one out. Sometimes he'll possess Zatanna; sometimes Constantine. And occasionally, when he's feeling really nasty, he probably possesses Swamp Thing and goes off to fuck a pumpkin.

As Deadman begins fantasizing about feeling a really good fuck for once in his death, he's transported to a place with lots of snow and screaming faces. I guess he's going to have to host a new episode of In Search Of: The Mystery of Nanda Parbat.

Everybody continues to treat Constantine like shit, and while I'm not saying it isn't without reason, I am wondering why the fuck Constantine sticks around to suffer the abuse. Ditch these fucknuggets, John! You're better than they are! They're just a bunch of poncy twats playing at being illusionists. They wouldn't know real magic if it pulled them out of a hat! I'm just going to believe that Zatanna has unconsciously commanded the House of Mystery to keep Constantine locked inside. And John knows this but he's just being polite and not saying anything because now he knows Zatanna wants to see his penis happy. Even if she doesn't know she wants to see that. All that matters is that the House of Mystery knows she wants to see that. And the House might actually want to see that too.

Deadman's friends can't help him so he begins his quest on his own which is the way quests were meant to be taken. Unless you have a gardener that loves you so much that he'll eavesdrop on your conversations and carry your poisoned ass halfway across the world. I think it's acceptable to go on quests with people like that as long as they don't try to call themselves the hero.

Deadman begins his quest at home. Then he meets with the wise man that vaguely explains the outline of his quest. Then he's set on a journey to travel to his quest. This includes a dragon and some magic and stuff.

While Deadman gets on with his life, his friends continue to bicker and remain totally useless.

Back to Boston's quest, he finishes his journey and arrives at his destination. He didn't have any battles to fight or puzzles to solve along the way because I think his friends are dealing with that part of the journey. But he does realize that his journey has taken him from home and back again! He's home in Nanda Parbat! But he didn't face any difficulties or conflicts along the way. He didn't defeat a Humbaba or master the Force or drag a corpse around a city wall just for the fun of it. He didn't go to hell or Mt. Doom or the other side of the island. He simply put one foot in front of the other and soon found himself walking out the door and into Nanda Parbat! That was the worst heroic journey ever!

And apparently the reason everything was so easy was because the Evil Mr Smarty Pants (the pants part of this Evil Mr Smarty Pants are purely metaphorical) was hitching a ride on Deadman the entire time!

They're called Pantheon and they smell so bad that they evolved a skin growth that covers their nose so that they don't have to smell their own festering belly wounds.

Justice League Dark manage to follow Boston Brand and his new friends back to Nanda Parbat. That's when they encounter a destroyed paradise and Pantheon the thought-form projection mind-worms of a mind so vast and complex that Zatanna doesn't have enough time to explain it before Justice League Dark is attacked by Pantheon(s). During the brief battle (which is less a battle and more of a one-punch knockout), Zatanna casts one of her backwards spells that, when reversed so it can be read correctly, becomes "Dleihs fo Ollopa." I don't get it.

Anyway, Justice League Dark wind up unconscious and Deadman winds up alive. Poor bastard.

Justice League Dark #33 Rating: No change. The main thing I dislike about this book is all the commentary between members of the gang about the situations they're in and the dangers they're facing. I already pointed out Zatanna's discussion of the thought-forms and the mind so vast, and the individual projections, but there are so many more moments of clunky, explanatory dialogue that doesn't really explain anything nor does it seem to have a purpose other than to have characters speak. So at one point we get "the spells originated here--in the ruins of Nanda Parbat? Here...and not here." Profound! Then there's the hole in space-time that keeps shifting around them but it doesn't cause them any trouble and they enter and follow Boston with no consequences (okay, Swamp Thing gets cut in two. But that's not really a consequence when he just regenerates his body and nobody really comments on it except Swamp Thing himself). There's the battle against the "embodied spells" which are "living enchantments" that seem like maybe they'll be some kind of serious threat until Zatanna just dissolves them with one quick spell. It just seems like DeMatteis peppers this book with all sorts of exclamations by the characters about how magicky and super magicky everything is but none of the dialogue matters or means anything in particular. It's all just too much mustard smeared on a sandwich already covered in a disgusting amount of mayonnaise. And you figure, "Well, I already paid for it!" So you bite into it and suddenly realize that the mayo isn't mayo at all but J.M.'s love sauce! Not that I have anything particularly against people enjoying other people's love sauces! It's just I'd rather not be surprised by it, you know?

Justice League Dark #32

At least John gets to keep his cigarette.

Tumblr's random page feature is bullshit. Haven't they heard of Random.org? Get with the program, Tumblr! I'm sick of using my link to a random page on my site and only getting posts from March 2013! Do I have to wait until 4 PM before I can start randomly getting posts from April?! Your random number generation system is worse than Apple's!

Hey! Did you all know John Constantine is bisexual? Reader Locke wanted to remind everybody since John was sleeping with three women last issue. Actually, reader Locke wanted to remind me since, through experiential evidence from my eyeballs and my brain, I had noticed that he was sleeping with three women. Apparently I should have remembered that John was bisexual and pretended that one of the women was a man. Just to keep things straight. Um. So to speak.

I might have just sounded a little bit pissy in that last paragraph and my attitude is sure to be taken as if I have a problem with bisexuals because some people just want to preach at other people and point out that they're not as good people as the person doing the preaching even if the people doing the preaching have got the wrong end of the stick. But I just sounded pissy because I don't write the comic books. J.M. DeMatteis is on Twitter if you feel he should be reminded that Constantine is bisexual. I only report what I see! Also what I think I see! Also sometimes things I wished I'd seen but had to make up instead.

Okay, fine! I'm untrustworthy enough to have lied about John being with three women! But I don't like people assuming that I'm an Amateur Comic Book Reader! Haven't you read all of those times I've proclaimed that I'm a Master Comic Book Reader? You should trust that I know what I'm doing!

I also don't think John is a bisexual. I don't think he'd want to be labeled when it came to his sexual choices. Bisexual is too limiting for John. I'd make up a word here that describes his sexuality but, as I just said so recently there's no way you've already forgotten it, I don't think Constantine would want to be labeled. As a free thinking individual, he can give a toss what other people think of him or how other people want to control him through mundane categories. He's just John Constantine! Even that's probably too much label for him!

I like when reader's give bits of condensation nuclei to get my ranting bubbling to the surface but it often comes at the expense of sounding like I have something against the reader! I totally don't! I love Locke! And Natalie! And the other person whose name I can't remember but it sounded like I was a jerk to that person when I responded to that person in a commentary but I totally wasn't being hostile or mean-spirited at all and sorry that I can't remember your name [I think it was rebeccamartin2!]! Now do I have to list every other reader and say that I love them as well because I just don't have the time nor the inclination! How about I just say, "I love you all!" And I mean that in the most insincere way possible. I mean, it's sincere enough if you take "I love you" to mean "I'd gladly nod in your direction if you called out my name in public and waved at me like a maniac."

Well, maybe I love Artya. Or miss Artya. One of those.

Anyway, this was the basic conflict currently troubling the Justice League Dark.

Does it seem like Justice League Dark fights more amongst themselves than against other foes? Well they're doing it again! Luckily it doesn't last long before Constantine ends the fight by making all of their lives worse. He winds up trapping them all back in the Between. That's where stray thoughts go to not exist anymore. Or to both exist and not exist. Oh, who am I kidding? I don't know what it is! It's some kind of philosophical lint trap! And who am I to discuss philosophical topics when I dropped out of The Philosophy of Science after one day in the class because I realized I can't fucking stand wannabe philosophers. The whole first class was spent discussing whether or not what we see through the window is actually what's through the window. "Why don't you fucking jump out of it?" I muttered under my breath and began doodling penises and vaginas on my binder.

What I learned from my one day as a philosopher is that the greatest philosopher in the room is always the last one to ask, "How do you know?" The person resorting to punching the greatest philosopher in the face is not the greatest philosopher in the room although that person might be the biggest hero in the room. And I'm against all forms of physical violence! Unless the person committing the violence is wearing a cape. Then it's fun.

This is the new conflict after they sort out their internal issues.

Justice League Dark are now battling to not exist as the Between erodes their identities and slowly erases them from reality. Why fight it? Just let nonexistence wash over you! Let it embrace you. As the great poet Dylan Thomas wrote, "[G]o gentle into that good night." That's good advice!

Instead of letting them all stop existing, The Nightmare Nurse takes it upon herself to give the others time to get home. That's because she took some kind of a nursing vow at Nightmare Medical University to protect people in need. So she's going to remain in the Between to try to show it life is worth living and it's kind of a dick move to go around forcing other people to not live life in the same way that you do. Or don't. One of those.

So Zee is into three-headed parasitic demons! As the great poet Paris Hilton wrote, "That's hot!"

Did Nightmare Nurse and Zatanna spend an entire lifetime in Zatanna's head while Nurse was possessing her? Did they have a long relationship and a happy family? Did Zatanna learn how to play the flute? If not inside Zee's head then when did they get so close? Probably not during the Preboot!

Justice League Dark escapes and Nightmare Nurse returns to nothing. She says she gives her final power to her father. I don't know if she's speaking directly to the Between or she's speaking to a long lost father that filled her with Daddy Issues before setting her loose on the world.

Or maybe Asa isn't dead because Zatanna seems to have been keeping her under her tongue.

Which poet?! I've been correctly attributing my quotes! I'm going to guess it was either Rudyard Kipling or Nicole Richie.

Asa returns to Alice Winter's body but this time with Alice's permission and a promise to not bury her personality beneath Asa's voluptuous ego. And then everything is hunky dory! Even John seems to be welcome for the moment.

Justice League Dark #32 Rating: +2 Ranking. This was a well told issue that sorted out the Nightmare Nurse and her position on the team nicely. Although I'm still wondering about her father. Is he nonexistence? Or was he somebody else from long, long ago. Maybe Trigon the Rapist! I'm still not a huge fan of John being on the team since he's always been such a loner but maybe he'll work out okay in a support role and not as the leader. The one reason for him to stick around is to explore his connection to the House of Mystery and his room full of New 52 secrets. But I have a feeling that subject will never be broached again. It was probably just a little something for Forever Evil and now John just doesn't give a shit about his hero research anymore.

Justice League Dark #31

If Constantine were on this cover, it would segue nicely into my rant about Vapers with which I'm going to begin this commentary.

I saw a Vaper take a hit of his Cigarette Computer just before he walked into a vintage shop on Hawthorne today. Fuck you, asshole. Just because there aren't any laws against Vaping anywhere, it doesn't mean you should still be a righteous dick about blowing your vapor in everyone's faces. You know why cigarettes were outlawed from public places? It's not because second hand smoke is harmful. Sure, that's probably the only reason the law was as easy as it was to put into place. No, the real reason everybody needed it to be illegal for assholes to smoke in movie theaters and airplanes and restaurants is because the fucking asshole smokers were never going to realize that they were being complete and utter dicks by filling every fucking locale with their disgusting smoke. And now the Vapers suddenly think, "Shit. This shit ain't illegal and it ain't harmful, so what the fuck is the problem? I can Vape this righteous Bubble Gum Flavored Water Vapor anywhere I want!" Fuck you. You're being a dick. Nobody wants to suck down water vapor that you just hacked up out of your disgusting lungs. Learn about consideration, you assholes. I may have to change my diet so that I can fart the nastiest smelling farts at will. Because if I have to suck down your leftover water vapor, I'm going to make sure that you suck down my misty excretions. And I won't be shy about it. My ass will be centimeters from your mouth when I let one go.

How long before a Ray Fawkes writes a story revolving around Constantine's switch to eCigarettes? Probably not long now that I mentioned it!

Currently, Alice Winter, formerly known as The Nightmare Nurse, has appeared in The House of Mystery. It seems she's got some Jason Blood/Etrigan type arrangement with Asa concerning her body. Not a legal arrangement nor a friendly one. It's more of the "that fucking demon keeps stealing my shit" kind of thing.

Also, the Mystery Girl is still in the mirrors.

Zatanna has magic at her disposal so she doesn't see why she needs to believe Alice Winter's story at all. No reason to have a discussion with her or to try to get to the bottom of this situation through civil or normal means. Might as well go right for the magic even though Constantine is constantly pointing out how there is a price to pay every time for utilizing the short cut. I suppose if I could do magic, I wouldn't do anything the normal way! I think I'd practice Synchromancy! That's the art of causing everything you want to happen at the moment you want it to happen to happen at that moment. Like right now, I really want Indian Food. So suddenly there would be a knock at my door at three in the morning and it would be a guy delivering Indian Food. I'd say, "But I didn't order any Indian Food?" And he'd say, "Oh, it's already paid for and supposed to be delivered to this address! I'm also supposed to eat out your asshole as you enjoy the food." And then I'd say, "That's why I answered the door naked!" Synchromancy!

Inside Alice Winter's mind, Zatanna discovers a memory from eighty years ago where Alice was sick and an old woman named Asa was tending to her. So you know, she discovers some stuff that she could have figured out just by making some tea and asking Alice a few simple questions. Ugh, that sounds like work! I'd do the magic as well.

I guess Alice was the girl in the mirror previously because now Asa is in the mirror and she's watching Constantine fuck three women at once. How many penises does he have? I never find out because Asa pulls him into the mirror to explain her current problem.

Shocker! Turns out he really can't leave.

A sentient cosmic nothingness attacks John and Asa in the land behind the magic mirror. I think I've met that cosmic nothingness before! I'm pretty sure my sister dated it in high school! No wait. I don't think I could categorize that bit cosmic of nothingness as sentient.

John and Asa return to The House of Mystery so that Asa can get back in her body. Zatanna and Swamp Thing believe Alice Winter is the victim and refuse to allow Asa back in. So will there be a huge magic battle or will a rational dialogue take place? I know which one is easier to write! And, as such, I'm placing my bets on the magic battle!

Once again, not enough time to explain but there will be plenty of time to battle! Fuck you, J.M., and every other writer that keeps pulling this old fucking trope. I need to practice swearing at J.M. DeMatteis since I'm going to read Larfleeze next.

During the battle, Asa tries to reenter Alice. But Zatanna jumps in the way and winds up the living vessel of The Nightmare Nurse instead of Alice. Now the Nurse is going to have to give all of her prescriptions backwards.

Is she casting the spell "ON" or just saying "NO"?

Justice League Dark #31 Rating: No change. For a 22 page comic book, nothing much fucking happens. The cliffhanger ending can pretty much be guessed at by the cover by even the most Amateur Comic Book Readers out there. A slight House of Mystery mystery was dropped in the middle which I ignored because it didn't go anywhere. It just did that comic book thing where somebody says, "I know this!" Then somebody else says, "Yes? Yes?! Explain!" And then the first person goes, "I can't remember!" What a hook! I can't wait to find out what the thing I don't even know is winds up being! This was just one more mediocre DC Comic book that wasn't fun enough to read because it was so awful and it wasn't mind blowing enough to ruin my pants because it was so good. I think I was more bored reading it than I was staring at the wall and digging in my ears.