Vibe #10

I can remember Vibe's brothers' names, Armando and Dante, but I can never remember Vibe's name. I think I've run out of ROM. Oh, is Rom his name?

Last issue Vibe had been turned into a bomb to blow up Mordeth's wife whose name I can also not remember. I think it was also Mordeth! Oh! But I did just remember Vibe's name because his last name Ramon popped into my head and then Cisco followed immediately after. What the fuck is wrong with you, brain? Are you outfitted with a time delay to prevent me from being robbed by Knowledge Muggers? "Quick! What's the capitol of New Hampshire?!" "I'm sorry, you're going to have to wait three minutes for that information." Here's how I watch Jeopardy: *Answer is read by the pompous bitch Alex Trebek that can't help correcting everybody's French* Me sitting on the couch in my pants (the British style), "Oh yeah. I know that." Contestant gives the answer. I say, "Yep. That was it."

Anyway, Vibe was being dropped on top of Queen Mordeth (how does somebody trust their King and Queen when their name is "More Death"? I guess in Piradellese, "Moreth" probably means "gumdrops") to stop her from invading Earth by opening up Gypsy like a portal. The Queen's husband, Breacher (or King Mordeth if you're nasty), betrayed Vibe but he did it for good reasons. I think. If somebody decided to give up my life for a goal, I would probably think all of their reasons were mostly shitty.

Back on Earth, Amanda Waller was about to recruit Dante onto her team because his nanocites inside of him were about to give him super powers. I'm sure he'll take the name Inferno instead of Purgatorio like I'm hoping. I used to be pretty sure that he'd spit Waller's offer back in her face and become ARGUS's biggest enemy, just after Omega. But I'm beginning to think all Waller would have to say is, "It pays well," and Dante will sign the contract.

This issue begins with Waller doing paperwork when Vibe appears and puts Rupture's sickle through her desk. Well then! I guess everything turned out okay on Piradell! Except maybe Rupture died. And everybody else.

Preboot Waller would never have asked nicely! Preboot Waller would have lost a boot up Vibe's colon.

Vibe begins to tell Waller his story but because he's telling the story instead of the comic book beginning with the story, it's really kind of unreliable, isn't it? Vibe could simply be telling Amanda a complete lie about how the story ended! So that adds an interesting twist to beginning the comic this way as opposed to just beginning this issue where last issue left off.

Back where last issue left off (since I was just talking about it), Vibe was about to blow up! But Rupture saves his life by ramming his sickle into his chest. It totally makes sense because weapons in comic books only do what they're supposed to do and very rarely ever pierce hearts or damage internal organs. Even Batman's weapons which cause injury every few pages never do any serious harm. And by serious, I mean nothing the criminal can't live with with just a few minor adjustments to their lifestyle, like a wheelchair or a burning hatred to get revenge.

Next, Vibe describes how he and Rupture fought and Waller acts concerned about their fight causing interdimensional rifts back on Piradell like it did on Earth. But she only acts concerned so she can point out how she already knows why Piradell wasn't ripped to shred by portals in the way The Circus was when Rupture and Vibe fought.

I guess it goes "universe," "multiverse," "omniverse." Although I think Omniverse is just a stupid way to mix them both up. "Universe" means one stanza. Multiverse means "multiple stanzas." And Omniverse means "every stanza." So Amanda Waller doesn't know as much about the workings of the DC Universe as Dr. Veritas and every single character written by Scott Lobdell.

During the battle, Vibe winds up with Rupture's sickle and destroys all of Mordeth's raptors, her army. He also knocks the righteous fury out of his brother. But that's when Emperor Palpatine begins filling Vibe full of lightning force bolts. Darth Rupture watches, climbs to his knees, and says, "No."

Oh yeah, he also killed her. Or should I say dismantled her?

And then Armando learns the price that must be paid whenever somebody strikes down someone like Emperor Mordeth.

I believe this is called a "frommage."

I'm not exactly sure if Sterling Gates is referencing the Star Wars Franchise here or if he's going all the way back to the original source material that George Lucas lifted nearly verbatim from The Book of Matthew.

Now that Armando is feeling better, he realizes he has to stay behind to try and defeat Mordeth before she completely takes over the planet. Or he really just knows he can't live with the knowledge that he killed so many Piradellians. So he shoves Vibe and Gypsy (who they rescued! Did I mention they rescued Gypsy? Oh yeah! They rescued Gypsy!) throw a portal back to Earth and remains behind to die. Or to appear again later as Rupture in the pages of Justice League of America in a few years. It'll probably some huge crossover called The Rupture!

Back in Waller's office, Gypsy appears to threaten Amanda with a knife for one second. I think it's a just a bit of the old "I could have killed you" to make Waller feel a little more human and out of control. Although I'm fairly certain Waller knew Gypsy was there all along and only acted surprised to make Vibe think he had the upper hand. Have Waller and Constantine had a real confrontation yet? I'd like to see that as they both let their lines go completely slack trying to lure the other one in. It would probably end with each of them slitting their own throats and trying to out bleed the other to get the upper hand. Somehow. I don't know how that would work!

Vibe decides to keep working for ARGUS as long as ARGUS works on a way to get back to Piradell to save Armando. But he'll only work with Agent Gunn. So that would have been a good direction for this comic book to go if more people had been buying it.

And then Amanda texts a message to her new agent whose job is to keep a close eye on Vibe 24/7:

Purgatorio! He's not the blue monster thing.

Vibe #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. Agent Gunn is now in the field with his husband as they're working with Vibe and the comic book is over? Dante has become Waller's pawn which means he's Vibe's nemesis which I pointed out from page one of issue one although Dante's super "hero" name has yet to be revealed. Although Inferno was my prediction and it was mentioned in a Next Month Blurb an issue or two ago. Although I still think Purgatorio would be fine. I bet all the agents he's supposedly killed (probably when he Super Powered Out for the first time in the hospital when Waller came to talk with him) are actually just suspended in some alternate purgatory-like dimension. Oh, I should probably level up as a comic book reader due to that! So now I'm back to the rank of Immaculate Comic Book Reader! Just one more level to go before I'm a Master again!

Overall, this series was much better than anybody wanted to think it would be since it was starring Vibe and all. This was a well portrayed version of the character. I hope he gets a mini-series sometime soon concentrating on the next chapter of his story working with Gunn and Klebba and learning about Dante.

Vibe #9

Is this akin to sitting on the washing machine?

From issue one, I believed that Vibe's brother Dante was going to be Vibe's arch-villain. But instead, his brother Armando has turned out to be his rival. How could I have been so stupid? Of course it's the guy you least suspect that becomes the guy you expected the guy you most suspected to become! It's how the biggest, lamest, most Hollywood bullshit twists happen every year! Although this twist isn't as horrible and cliche (without the accent because I'm too lazy to add one and it doesn't actually matter anyway because that's an accepted version that doesn't change the meaning of the word in the way that if you left the tilde off of año) as I've just now made it out to sound. It's just a thing that happened that surprised Vibe and worked well in the context of the story (especially with all that "Dante is obviously the bad brother" legerdemain going on) and has now given Vibe something to fight for! Besides saving the world and helping Gypsy and making a few bucks as a member of the Justice League of America, I mean.

Currently Vibe is in Piradell where Mordeth, Gypsy's father also known as Breacher, took him so that he can save everything. Or omnithing if you're a jackass Scott Lobdell character. Which Vibe isn't so I don't know why I even mentioned it. Probably because Scott Lobdell is my arch-villain! Unless I'm his? It's hard to know if you're the good guy or the bad guy in any given story because life is complicated and gray and messy. Mordeth has this problem, see? His world was once the most peaceful and cliche and happy place in all of existence! Nobody ever got hemorrhoids. Nobody ever had diarrhea. Impotence never reared its ugly head, so to speak. And the female orgasm was by no means a mystery to anybody. In short, it was paradise. But then an American (Armando!) landed on its golden shores and the party was over for everyone forever.

Vibe has now joined Mordeth's resistance force to overthrow Rupture and Mordeth's cuckolding wife and save everybody from everything forever.

I've read enough Stephen King to know that Price is from Maine.

Mordeth's resistance force (which Vibe has renamed "Justice League Sort Of" because America is awesome) saves a couple of kids named Hopper and Corr. The members of the Resistance are Vibe, Sniper Pirate, Little Dickhead, and Perfect Posture Lass. I don't know. Do you think Sniper Pirate should be Sni-pirate? I think both names have potential. Although neither of them have quite the ring that "cunt punching pumpkin fucker" has. I wish I could take credit for that curse but it's just one of many that April Winchell's fans put together for SailorTrouble. I do not offer links because fuck you, you know how to use the internets! Besides, if you're reading this little piece of shit blog, you obviously know April Winchell and Regretsy and all that shit. And you obviously know her father since he voiced the greatest cartoon villain of all time ever, Dick Dastardly.

After saving the little kids, Vibe decides to loudly and explicitly state the plans of the Resistance because the little girl and her doll couldn't be working with fucking Rupture now, could they?

Never trust anybody in comics carrying a doll. Unless that doll is named Cheeks the Toy Wonder.

Meanwhile Agent Gunn spends some quality time with Dante as he heals up in the hospital. Cisco has now been missing for two weeks and nobody knows what dimension he belly-flopped into. Hopefully Dante's nanocites are working on giving him super powers so he can be a gigantic pain in the ass to Waller's A.R.G.U.S.

And back on Piradell, Mordeth has been sucking all of the Earth juice out of Gypsy so that she can open a portal back to Earth. She wants to take over Earth because it is "the cornerstone of the multiverse." Of course it is! What place in the universe would work better? Why else do alien races and UFOs visit are planet constantly, mutilating our livestock and anally probing the mentally ill? It's because Earth is the most important place ever! And America is the most important country on the most important planet in the most important solar system in the most important galaxy in the most important universe in the most important time across all the vastness of infinite time and space. Why else would Jesus have chosen us?

Rupture tries to think about his brother but Mordeth forbids it by stuffing his head full of lightning. She knows the memory erasing, head clearing benefits of shock therapy better than most.

Breacher's resistance think they have more time but they didn't get the memo that this comic won't be making it past issue ten, so things begin going downhill really fast.

Rupture's speech bubbles aren't outlined in red! That means he has his own mind back! Right? No?

No matter how I come across in this blog, I'm actually a pretty calm, rational, sweet, likable person that doesn't have any issues with anybody. But I'm really, really, really beginning to hate Blair Herter and Tiffany Smith.

As the shit keeps picking up steam, Vibe learns that the technology Breacher implanted into Vibe's chest to keep him stable has a second use: it's a bomb! Breacher turns it on and drops Vibe onto Mordeth's palace to destroy her ability to access Earth and to save Omnithing! I mean everything! Fuck you, Scott Lobdell! I can't stop saying "omni" now!

And back on Earth, Amanda Waller visits Dante in his hospital room because she needs a new agent named Purgatorio! And he's infested with just the right nanocites to get the job done!

Justice League of America's Vibe #9 Rating: +2 Ranking. I wonder if the "Betrayed by Gypsy" cover was meant for a storyline that was interrupted by the comic book's cancellation? We've seen it time and again how the covers really begin to veer off course from the story inside as a book nears its end date (the first time I experienced this was in Blackhawks). I imagine a lot of story needs to be changed once the writer knows the comic needs to be wrapped up in a few months. But that's okay because I'm glad I don't have to see Gypsy turned into a bad guy for the sake of plot twists although, I'm sure, she would have been just as mind-controlled as Armando.

Vibe #8

Nope.

Whenever my Foster Robot Doom Bunny replies to yes/no questions in the negative, he says, "Nope!" in such a way that says, "Do not bother me again, extremely weak-skinned, blood filled sack of soft organs and excrement waiting to be excreted." Then his subroutines fire up, causing a series of clicks and whirrs as he ponders, "If excrement has not yet been excreted, it cannot rightly be called excrement. UNDEFINED ERROR." This leads to short bursts of laser fire from his eyes after which he rushes to the bathroom to interface with his dongle.

Everybody should have a Foster Robot! The most fun part of having one is on October 31st when the Luddite's Annual Purity Sweeps take place and they storm the house in a variety of costumes trying to put an end to his monstrous existence. It's fun because their weapons are made from crappy technology and my philosophy allows me to use an automatic shotgun! Although the Robot is a far quicker aim with his Microwave Breath than I am with my shotgun, so I've never actually killed a Luddite. I've only fired shells into still burning husks that have been incinerated from the inside out. It's still very exciting!

I also don't know why all the Luddites are so Goddamned short. I suppose they're also against vitamins and healthy diets.

Last issue, Vibe was kidnapped into Gypsy's home dimension by his brother Rupture. And Dante had been whisked away in his Dog Armor full of Super Hero Creating Nanites so that when we next see him, he'll be calling himself Purgatorio. Amanda Waller and Agent Gunn are busy trying to squelch the riot at The Circus and trying hard not to shit their pants over the escape of Omega.

This issue, Amethyst is helping protect House Topaz from House Quartz!

This is the best issue of Vibe yet!

Apparently I should be more careful about leaving comic books stacked up together in my "to read" pile because they're apparently susceptible to cross-contamination. This is the comic book that Vibe #8 was lying on top of overnight.

I'm glad Vibe didn't commingle with my next DC Comics Presents starring Madame Xanadu! Who needs that cunt ruining this comic book with her pretend visions of the end of the world?!

Princess Amaya (otherwise known as Amethyst, Princess of Gemworld!) is captured by a gigantic hulking monster made of Quartz that snaps her arm and engages in completely barbaric behaviour. He has obviously never been to Gemworld Finishing School and learned that you do not break the Princess's arm and threaten her life when exchanging cordialities. If only a hero would appear! Somebody that could create a resonant frequency that could shatter quartz! But who in Gemworld is capable of that?

Luckily when Vibe arrives via the portal created by his interaction with his brother Rupture, some strange power shatters all of the Giant Quartz men. Talk about a lucky break!

But before that happened, Vibe had been abandoned halfway through the portal to Gypsy's homeworld when Rupture believed Vibe had finally died and he had no more power to siphon off. And from his viewpoint in the portal, Vibe saw many places! Like Morpheus's Dream Realm. And Earth 2. He hears somebody speaking Old Portugese [sic] (or Runespeak (or Magic Symbol)) say, "They all deserve what they get." He hears about the death of the Justice League and sees some orchids floating on the wind. Then he sees a dinosaur watching Serenity. I'm sure it all means something very important! Or he's just in DC's Ad-Space.

He also passes through Earth 23.

Eventually he finds himself on the cancelled world of Nilaa which doesn't bode well for Vibe. The phrase "put out to pasture" comes to mind. Minus the sexual implications!

Vibe nearly kills Amethyst the way Vibe nearly kills everybody he touches that doesn't have the standard 528Hz vibrational frequency. But Breacher shows up in time to shove his cock into the middle of Vibe and Amethyst's embrace, saving Princess Amaya from death. Or catastrophic pleasure, conceivably.

Breacher saves Vibe's life as well by shoving a plug in his chest. He then kidnaps him to another world to join a small resistance group. They're probably resisting Rupture! Breacher then gives Vibe a quick Origin Story Clarification before revealing where he has brought Vibe.

Worst vacation getaway ever. Besides [insert your home town here].

I wish I had the chops for a piece of code that would read the location of the IP address accessing this page and insert the name of the city into the caption above. If this were a MUSH, I probably could have rigged that up so that everybody who reads this would get slightly pissed at me for shitting on their place of residence. Except it wouldn't work for all the hacker trolls that are faking their IP addresses and ping ponging their connection all over the world. Also, half the readers would probably nod their heads in agreement and think, "Fuck yeah! This place is the Goddamned pits!"

Vibe calls bullshit on Breacher's story, so Breacher hangs his head in shame and says, "You got me!" Then he tells Vibe the truth.

Which is just as reasonable as the lie, so I have no idea why he felt he needed to lie.

Breacher might just have been nervous that Vibe wouldn't believe him over the story Vibe's brother Rupture told Vibe. So he was trying to manipulate Vibe while sticking to Rupture's story. Why confuse the kid if he didn't have to? Also, it helped fill out the final pages to end nicely on the Mordreth is Breacher and he's become a living portal which could happen to Vibe if they don't act soon cliffhanger!

Vibe #8 Rating: +1 Ranking. I heard from one of my Angles (that's the atheist's version of Angels) that Vibe has been put on the chopping block. It's too bad because I'm enjoying this comic and I think it deserves a story or two following up on all of this previous stuff that has essentially been Vibe's Origin Story. I like the mix of family story and the young rookie being manipulated by a huge government organization. Because he's young, Vibe has a bit of a Peter Parker feel going on that hasn't quite been explored as much as I'd like. Which is why I was hoping this comic would last long enough to finish this first story so it could tell some humorous and off-beat coming of age as a super hero crap for a bit. I'm still looking for well-written and light-hearted, fun stuff from DC and this comic had some good potential. As did Swords of Sorcery, so it was nice to see a little Amethyst in these pages. Right now, All Star Western is my go to fun comic book at DC. I wish there were more like it.

Vibe #7

"When you're running down the hall and your balls hit the wall, it's called Rupture! When you're sliding into first and you feel something burst, it's a Rupture!" Wait a second. Who slides into first? What was wrong with that kid?

Rereading the entry to Vibe #6, I noticed that Spell Check didn't like "anilingus" so I clicked on it to see its spelling recommendation. Spell Check recommended "cunnilingus." Oh, Spell Check. You're so vanilla.

Hmm. If cunnilingus is vanilla and anilingus is chocolate, would that make cunnilingus during menses strawberry?

This might not have been the best way to begin my Vibe commentary!

Last issue, Vibe discovered that a villain named Rupture was responsible for driving Gypsy and her family from her homeworld. He also discovered that Rupture was his brother Armando who disappeared in a Boom Tube five years ago. He was the first victim of Darkseid's invasion. Now he's the strong right arm of some horrible dictator that has conquered Gypsy's home.

This is the first panel on the second and third pages (spanning them both) and I love it. Although it's effect is much better in real size.

I love ARGUS agents trying to contain the gigantic robot thing in the background amidst the explosions and chaos while Rupture stares at his brother, confused and unsure. Gypsy behind Vibe ready to bolt. And Vibe ready to defend Gypsy and hug the fuck out of his brother, whichever seems most appropriate in a minute or so.

Rupture's need to catch Gypsy for his master, Mordeth, overpowers his love for his brother because hugging doesn't sell comic books, Goddammit! Unless you're one of those Independent Writers! And then isolation and ostracization and not fitting in sell better than hugs in those stories anyway! Excuse me while I go reread Ghost World and Box Office Poison and Jimmy Corrigan, The Smartest Kid on Earth, and all those other comic books that seemingly never wind up portraying physical violence for some reason. I guess they don't like selling comic books!

I'm going to start a new web comic where Vibe uses his powers to open a portal where he winds up in the Tomb Raider video game. It will be a romantic comic and I'm going to call it "Vibe Raider." It'll mostly be long, protracted sex scenes of Vibe using his powers to please Lara Croft.

The fight between Vibe and his brother lasts exactly one panel. Although that one panel is two pages! So that's exciting! I think. I just don't feel as overwhelmed as I think I'm supposed to feel.

It's Phantasm from Team Titans! I know I already pointed him out last issue. Fuck you. I'm excited!

Didn't Phantasm turn out to be an already established DC Character using his or her powers to simply float a mask and rags around? I'm fairly certain it was something like that. I want to say it was Jericho but he didn't have those kinds of powers. I wish my memory worked better!

Vibe gets his head straight after being thrown across The Circus only to realize Gypsy and Dante are gone. He also notices that his vibe energies and Rupture's rupture energies have begun to commingle to create a portal to another world. That other world apparently has dragons in it. Because one comes through the portal. Fucking dragons. They're more curious than ferrets. Although ferrets just seem to want to answer the mysteries of the universe in their explorations while dragons are simply looking for more treasure they don't need. I suppose a dragon's treasure hoard is like a bowerbird's nest. It's all about attracting a mate rather than any kind of dragon economic system based on how much of other people's money a dragon can own.

Meanwhile Agent Gunn is busy creating super villains.

Just like I said! Injection with nano-particles. Just a matter of time before they turn him into Purgatorio! I mean, Inferno!

As Agent Gunn tries to get Dante to safety, he's suddenly attacked by a twenty foot tall Parademon. Is this Omni, Darkseid's daughter? I don't know why I thought Darkseid's daughter was going to be a smoking hot babe in a thong and pasties. I am disappoint.

On the next page, Agent Gunn shoots the parademon in the face and kills it. So there's still hope! Being a Master Comic Book Reader and all that, I probably should have realized that Darkseid's Daughter isn't going to be revealed in the middle of an issue. She'll have the presence of mind to only make her appearance in a last page splash.

Gunn loads up Dante into the Dog Soldier Suit and programs it to take him to the nearest hospital. Even though The Circus is in full lockdown and nobody can leave. Gunn points out that Dante is a nobody so he can leave. That's the dumbest bit of semantic nonsense to get Dante out of the comic book that I've ever seen! I don't know what Sterling Gates diet consists of to give him that kind of nerve! Now I need to discover his secret dietary powers so I can become a great writer of bullshit plot contrivances!

Not that I really care! Dante needs to get sent out of this current issue. I really can't follow the plot with three brothers interacting! Two at a time is about all I can handle. Plus with all of these side characters running around like Gunn and Gypsy! Hmm. That's kind of sad that my limit of characters I can follow in a comic book without losing my mind is four.

Although if Phantasm gets some lines, I'll try to manage five characters at once!

Eventually Vibe catches up with Rupture.

I hope this doesn't mean Dante can't be a super villain too. I suppose he'd be okay as Vibe's shitty sidekick.

While Vibe and Rupture do some family counseling, the rest of the ARGUS installation has turned into the final act of Cabin in the Woods. Breachers are tearing the place apart and Gunn is about to find out what it's like to be a feeder mouse. Lucky for Gunn, his superior is Amanda Waller and she's not just an administrative asshole in The New 52. She blows the Snake Lord of Quonos's face off with a gun that's about the same size as she is. Carried in one arm. Although I have a feeling the Preboot Amanda Waller could have taken care of the snake as well just by giving it one of her "you going to try my patience?" stares.

Back to family therapy, Vibe continues to talk out his problems while Rupture puts his sickle through Vibe's chest. I'm not an expert but I'm sure one of those approaches should bring these two together. I would have preferred the use of puppets though. But Mordeth's hold over Rupture is too strong and he grabs Gypsy to bring her home. Since she turns out to be Mordeth's daughter.

Dammit! Does that mean Amanda Waller knows what she's doing? Is this prison actually a good place? Are they really containing actual threats to humanity in The Circus? Or did she just get lucky with this one? Of course keeping the daughter of some psycho war-mongering dictator on Earth probably isn't the best way to keep the world safe.

Rupture drags Vibe along with him to help break through the dimensional wall as he drags Gypsy home. The power burst from their leaving kills the electrical grid in ARGUS, allowing Omega, Darkseid's daughter, to escape. But she still hasn't been shown because capturing her will have to wait until Vibe comes back triumphant from Gypsy's homeworld.

Vibe #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm enjoying this comic book although I hope the title will change soon from "Justice League of America's Vibe" to "Vibe and Friends" when he gains a retinue of Breachers like Gypsy and Phantasm and that Scissorman.

Vibe #6

What the fuck is Vibe's worst nightmare? Anilingus?

Last issue, Vibe ended up in a prison cell in ARGUS's Circus with Gypsy in a cell across the way. Pariah is also in one of these cells because he probably came by to warn everybody about some big jerk called The New 52 Anti-Monitor but Amanda Waller and her goons threw him in his prison tube before he could get the message across. Or maybe he arrived to alert everyone to Darkseid's invasion? I wonder if Harbinger is imprisoned here as well?

Agent Gunn is pissed off at Amanda Waller because she's micro-managing his work in The Circus.

Gunn's husband telling Gunn to act like a punk-ass bitch.

If I were Gunn, I'd tell Waller to fuck off. But then I've never quit a job with a back-up job already in place. When something about a job bothered me, I quit. I once quit a job because my feelings were hurt when they printed up the catalog for the company and they listed everybody's name but mine. Instead of my name, they printed, "The Warehouse Staff." The Warehouse Staff was me, motherfuckers. Just me! My fucking name is shorter than "The Warehouse Staff", you stupid fucking jerks! It was a company that made leather bags and it was owned by a husband and wife team. On the plus side, when I told the husband I quit, he seemed genuinely moved and sorry about the mistake. But it was time to move on anyway. That was less of a reason to quit than the time my manager cried during one of my quarterly reviews. Big surprise, I didn't get the raise because I wasn't trying to be her friend. I suppose I could have gone to Human Resources with that one but since that was my manager's sister's job, I figured I'd be better off just leaving that sinking ship.

If you hadn't noticed, I'm the kind of worker that corporations hate. It's a good thing I have my own business now because who the fuck would want me? The hardest part of my job now is keeping myself from quitting.

Back to the comic book (I know, I know! I'm way more interesting than Vibe! But you're not the only one who reads this blog, Mom! People want to hear me make dick jokes about Vibe!), Dante busts in through Gunn's front window to lay down the law. He's going to help him break Vibe out of The Circus or else he's going to Tumbl everything he knows about ARGUS and tag it "social justice." That shit will have 100,000 Notes in no time!

Speaking of dick jokes, Amanda Waller has a stupid bourgeois thing or two to say to Gypsy.

If someone runs from people that claim to be in authority, it doesn't always fucking mean they have something to hide. Sometimes it means those people in authority are violent, bigoted, overzealous, power hungry dildos. Oh, I didn't actually have a dick joke. I just meant Amanda Waller was a dick and what she had to say was a joke.

I'm curious if that Scissorman in the Circus Tube in the background is from Doom Patrol. I mean, fuck, where else would he be from? I think they were from that weird dimension where everybody spoke in random strings of words.

Later Gunn appears at ARGUS dragging along a humanoid hyena in armor speaking the language of the aliens who ate Sunboy in the Legion of Super-heroes. I wasn't able to decipher that language because every time the aliens spoke, they seemed to use over 26 symbols meaning they were just regurgitating the alphabet and maybe some numbers or punctuation. This hyena guy (which is probably, somehow, Dante in Dog Drag) is speaking shorter words but the font is so small and crazy that I'm not even going to bother straining my eyes trying to read it.

But then on the next page, Dog-Dante gives me what must be an "I" in the alien language and I decide to give it a very, very slight go at deciphering.

And that's when I realize this is The Trench Language which had some translations given in Aquaman. So there is hope! Although the font is still crazy hard to read.

This will probably get a little boring as I walk through my process for solving cryptograms. Cryptograms with pictures help to clue you in to the context of the quote. This looks like it begins with "I" and then a four letter word. Since this is Dante and he's pissed, my first guess is that he's saying, "I hate" something. By looking at The Trench translation of "What are you?" from Aquaman #3, it looks like "I hate" is correct. The Trench font is less clear and more blotchy, as if it were written by a leaky fountain pen or a quill. But I'm fairly certain Dog-Dante is saying, "I hate you all." The font is very difficult to see unless I scan it and enlarge it, I'm just not even going to be bothered to translate the first couple of speech bubbles by Dog-Dante earlier. Maybe if Sterling Gates pokes his head around these parts, he'll be so impressed by my translation of this one bubble that he'll give us the others for free!

Except I'm a stubborn bastard so one more scan to try before I continue. Don't worry, I won't write about this process! If I give up, I'll just continue with my normally scheduled commentary in the next paragraph.

Dante is allowed to remove the Dog-Soldier Armor before entering The Zoo so the reader can finally understand him and then he begins speaking Spanish. You know what? Spanish is harder to translate than Trench speak! Although if he were saying "mal niño" I'd know what he was saying because that and "hace frio" and "hace calor" are pretty much all the Spanish my grandmother used around me. Mostly just "mal niño" though. That means "You're a great kid of exceptional quality." Although I don't know why she thought beating me with a wooden spoon while praising me was a good idea.

Dante manages to break Vibe free while I was distracted by nostalgia. But that's about the only part of the plan that works out for them.

Whoops!

Now ARGUS can take Dante away and heal him with some kind of nanobotistry which will give him super powers. Waller will tell Vibe that his brother died. And then Dante will become Purgatorio Inferno who will be a tool of ARGUS and end up becoming Vibe's nemesis. Or maybe he'll escape from ARGUS and Vibe will have to battle him every time he comes back to kill Waller or destroy ARGUS's Circus.

ARGUS Mecha-men attempt to subdue Vibe but he has this power which allows him to break glass with hardly any effort at all! So he shakes a little of that shit around the Circus and things suddenly begin to feel like Arkham on every day of the week ending in Ednesday!

Ladies and Gentleman, your 2013 Circus Escapees! Sergeant Horned Rogue! Pariah! Abnegazar, Rath, and Ghast! And Transgendermensional! Unless that last one is Warp. It could be Warp!

The only other characters I recognize on the next page are Phantasm from Team Titans and Lady Quark from any comic that I found dull and boring. And the three demon brothers might not be Abnegazar, Rath, and Ghast. But this could be what happened to them after they failed to help Felix Faust take over The Black Room.

Oh yeah. It's one of Morrison's Doom Patrol Scissormen.

During the chaos, Vibe begins to break down again. Oh right. How often is he going to pull this stunt now that he knows Gypsy will kiss him to get his concentration back? I'm not buying it. Stop fucking around and trying to get your smooch on and help your dying brother escape this place, you horndog!

Well, he is only like seventeen or something. I'd probably be spending every waking second trying to figure out how to get Gypsy to touch me again too.

Vibe's freakout causes the barriers between dimensions to grow weak and then a villain with possibly the most squirm inducing name I could have come up with breaches the barrier: RUPTURE! I don't live in fear of much but every time I move anything heavier than a sandwich, I imagine I'm going to get a hernia. I hate the human body and all of its frailties. My top three body malfunctions would have to be rectal prolapse, hernia, and biting the inside of my cheek.

Here comes Rupture tearing through dimensional walls allowing himself and the intestines of his homeworld to slither on into Earth Prime! Gypsy refers to him as "The Hound of Mordeth" so I suppose Mordeth is the bad guy that put Gypsy's people on the run. That may have already been information that the reader knew but I'm not one of those people that can remember everything! Or anything, most of the time. I once took the test to get on Jeopardy when Alex Trebek came to San Francisco mostly because my mom encouraged me and, well, why the fuck not try out? But even if I know the answers to questions, I really need a format that lets the contestant buzz in and go, "Okay! Yeah, I know this one. It's...let me see...shit, it's right on the tip of my tongue! I know it has to do with that guy who did that thing and the name of his dog was the name of the wife of the guy who traveled to that place back in the thirties...oh! It's so close!" Also, I'd probably have to walk over and slap Alex Trebek when he corrected my pronunciation of every fucking French word that would come out of my mouth.

Amanda Waller believes that Rupture has come for Omega, so she sends all of her soldiers to guard the Omega Room. So now all Vibe has to do is get past Rupture who Gypsy has assured him has killed thousands of people with his bared teeth. But then Rupture recognizes Vibe because like I've been saying, "DOMINO MASKS DON'T HIDE IDENTITIES!" Sheesh.

Breacher #1 meet Breacher #2! Also, notice Dante is going to become Inferno. I'd still prefer Purgatorio.

Vibe #6 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm still not sure why the cover said his only hope is his worst nightmare. Dante was his only hope, so Dante is his worst nightmare? Or is Rupture his only hope which is also his (and my!) worst nightmare? I don't fucking get the cover copy! Somebody needs to explain it to me. Slowly and clearly! I'm obviously an idiot.

Justice League of America #5

They want you to think Catwoman is in this casket. But I bet Stargirl is!

When this comic book was announced, wasn't it supposed to be a big deal that David Finch was doing it? What did he last? Three issues? Not that I care. Fuck David Finch. He may have won some of you over with his "awesome art" but he hasn't fooled me! If you like to do the arts, Mr. Finch, do the fucking arts. Don't just spend all day making sure the women look good and then put some crosshatching and fish lips on the males and call it good. I'm pretty sure when you were doing The Dark Knight, Mr. Finch, the only part of your drawing you put any effort into was when drawing the White Rabbit. Then you slopped out a Bruce Wayne and an Alfred and a Commissioner Gordon until you could draw the White Rabbit's ass again.

I wonder when the White Rabbit will return? She was such an important part of that first Dark Knight story! Not as important, of course, as Deathstroke loaded up on Venom dropping out of the sky and onto the Batplane to punch Batman in the face for a bit before disappearing from the comic book forever. Jeez, that story was awful.

These humans need to stop being so disrespectful to B'dg. I can't wait until the humans meet a race of aliens whose shit looks exactly like homo-sapiens so that the aliens will keep referring to them as feces.

Baz and B'dg are touring Justice League of America Headquarters when Doctor Light's coin explodes. This causes the Green Lantern's energy to be sucked into Doctor Light's body. Just like in Catwoman #21, it's another person whose random superpower just happens to fit with the person's name! What are the odds that a doctor by the name of Light should suddenly have the power to manipulate light? It's crazy! It's such a crazy coincidence that it can hardly be called a coincidence at all! I see the Will of God in this! Or the Will of Geoff Johns, at the least. Or perhaps just stupid random chance at the very leastest.

I just stole that last paragraph from my Catwoman #21 commentary and changed it slightly. Exactly how I did reports in Junior High and exactly how Scott Lobdell plagiarizes his own scripts!

Over in the most opposite place in the world than ARGUS Headquarters, people are riding Space Mountain. But that has nothing to do with what's going on in THE MANOR which is the super secret headquarters of the super secret society of super secret super villains. Their pale purple leader wants Signalman and Copperhead to prepare Catwoman's corpse for delivery to Batman's Batcave. But Signalman is getting cold feet and, being Signalman, he knows that's a signal for being afraid to continue on the current path he's on. To be fair, most people get cold feet when they think of playing a prank on Batman and this prank is pretty messed up. But Copperhead tells him to HISSSS HISSSS HISSS HISSS. But before they can do as Copperhead suggests, Catwoman's blood begins roiling back into her head and her eyes glow red and she says, "I have heard enough."

What the hell? Is Catwoman really Metamorpho?!

Oh no. It's the shapechanger without a sense of humor.

I wonder if it's difficult to shapechange blood gushing out of a bullet wound to your head? J'onn had me fooled! Although now I feel a bit weird having masturbated to Catwoman being shot in the head last issue. I mean, gross. She was really a guy!

You know, I never promised I'd always make tasteful jokes! Besides, that joke passes muster because the butt of the joke are people who wouldn't have a problem sexualizing a woman being shot in the head but would completely freak out when they found out that the woman wasn't born with female genitalia! It's okay to make those people the butt of a joke on Tumblr, right? Can't we point out the stupidity of even that 0.00004% of the population? Or was I engaging in Fetish Shaming? Maybe I should just keep reading the story instead of pointing out that I'd fuck J'onn J'onzz no matter what shape he was currently in. Mostly because he'd have Oreos. I'll do anything for Oreos.

When and how Martian Manhunter and Catwoman made the switcheroo will be described in this month's back-up story, so don't think I'm just passing up the explanation for it.

And before I continue with the Justice League of America's assault on THE MANOR, I have to wonder why The Secret Society of Super Villains wants to destroy the Justice League? I guess they figure if the Justice League is out of the way, they'll be able to bully the world into doing whatever they want to do. But don't they realize that the Justice League is only composed of nine of Earth's heroes (maybe more or less if my calculator is broken)? They'd still have all the others to contend with? The Pale Purple Man believes that they'll get dozens of recruits based on their destruction of the Justice League, so maybe that's how they figure they'll deal with the other heroes. It just seems kind of stupid. Signalman was right to be worried about "kicking the hornet's nest." If I were a Super Villain, I'd just try to find a nice out of the way city in Canada and rob a bank or two and then go into hiding. I may have even already done that.

Is this The Joker's Daughter mentioned in that stupid Channel 52 that I really shouldn't be reading because it's full of spoilers? Also, I probably shouldn't put any of my thoughts or speculations into the form of a question because invariably some reader thinks I really want to know the answer before I learn the answer by reading the fucking comic book the way you're meant to learn the fucking Goddamn fucking answer. There's a reason I don't read solicits or Comic Book News Blogs or even follow any Tumblr Blogs that are heavily about comic books. Here's a good hint to posting in Disqus: If you want to speculate on things based on the comics that are out, please! Go ahead! If you want to tell me who the character is at the end of Batman Loves Superman #1 because you saw it on DC's website or read it in a solicit, hold your tongue. You're not allowed to speculate once you know through other means.

I know doing this comic book blog is going to cause me to get spoilers from DC fans who are just trying to engage and enjoy the comics as well. I'm not really pissed but I thought I would put it out there as to how I'm reading The New 52 and how I'd like people to respect that aspect of it. What good is reading my stupid speculations if I already know what's going to happen, right? No fun for anybody. Although now that I state it so soundly, I have a feeling I'm going to get people dropping a lot of fucking spoilers just to be jerks funny.

Please don't.

Oh yeah, back to that panel up there! Who's moving THE MANOR? I have no idea. The best I can come up with, and believe me, it isn't any good, is Bolt! Because he teleports! I'm sure it's a magical guy though. Like Doctor Magic. Or Mister Spells. Or Madame Zeroni.

The Shaggy Man is still having trouble with Hawkman but you know Hawkman is about to lose when he asks the stupidest question that is always asked by the current loser of a fight.

"That's the worst you can dish out?"

Is it arrogance that makes them ask that? Because the answer is almost always, "Nope. Got some more here for you." In this case, The Shaggy Man gets some back-up from Ivo's Aquaman, Flash, Cyborg, and Green Lantern robots. But then Stargirl finally shows her soon-to-be-dead face and disables the robots with one swing of her Cosmic Staff. Although for some reason, Hawkman doesn't ask her to disable The Shaggy Man as well. He wants to just keep fighting it, I guess.

The New 52 Shaggy Man must not be as powerful as the Preboot Shaggy Man.

As you can see, Professor Ivo gets taken down by Green Arrow because that's pretty much the only guy in THE MANOR that can be taken out by arrows. Star Girl frees the rest of the gang and then I suddenly know how Star Girl dies! Amanda Waller kills her for disobeying orders!

Fighting in the other room, Catwoman knocks the hat off of the Pale Purple Leader and he's developed male pattern baldness, so it might not be The Joker's Daughter. But he uses an electric joy buzzer to shock the hell out of Catwoman so maybe it is because that's kind of a joke! Although it might also be The Puzzler because his name is a secret and my Who's Who lists The Puzzler's alias as Unknown! J'onn tries to read him as Green Arrow finds out how THE MANOR shifts locales and Stargirl tries to bring down The Shaggy Man. See it all for yourself!

It's a White Martian! Or someone from another Earth, maybe.

The Pale Purple Leader activates Chronos and THE MANOR freezes in time as the Earth rotates under it. And moves through space away from it! I guess that part doesn't happen though for some reason. Only people with a Magic Coin travel with the house, so The Secret Society of Super Villains escape. And nobody seems to be dead to be shoved in the coffin on the cover! Maybe I was right! Amanda Waller IS going to kill Stargirl!

Also, as THE MANOR phases away, The Pale Purple Leader says, "It was good to see you again, J'onn." So yeah. He's maybe a White Martian or he has ties to Stormwatch which I doubt because Stormwatch is all Magentafied right now.

The JLA rescue Chronos who was apparently an agent of ARGUS trying to locate Booster Gold. And they capture Professor Ivo. But Amanda Waller still wants to disband the team. I bet she wants her team filled with heroes whose comic books sell well!

Oh yeah! I forgot Puzzler was an ARGUS Agent! Whoops!

Oh no! Trinity War time!

The issue ends with nobody dying. But Doctor Light is all, "Help me! Oh my God! What happened to my penis?!"

The back-up issue is about Martian Manhunter heading to Earth to get revenge on the creature that killed the Martians with his infected thoughts. It's name is Thoth. Martian Manhunter kills it and it's spirit wanders off to find another body to infect. I guess it found a Pale Purple Man who is obsessed with proving himself to The Joker.

Justice League of America #5 Rating: No change. The cover shows a coffin and nobody dies. Was it supposed to be symbolic of the death of the Justice League of America which Amanda pretended to want to end? Or is it foreshadowing Stargirl's death in Trinity of Sin: Pandora #1? I don't even think Stargirl is going to die! I think it's going to be Steve Trevor.

Vibe #5

This has the potential to be the best issue of Suicide Squad yet.

It only took five issues before Amanda Waller lost all control of Vibe and had to send the Suicide Squad after him. She is one impatient asshole. Too bad the Squad doesn't have an additional member like Air Wave or Shockwave or Tidal Wave so there might be some tension from the possibility of a member dying. But if it's just King Shark and Deadshot and Harley Quinn, nobody is going to die. Except maybe Agent Gunn's husband! He seems pretty dispensable after the big ring controversy from last issue.

Vibe is currently trying to save Gypsy from being taken by ARGUS. He's seen enough of ARGUS and their secretive ways to know they're not telling him the whole truth about the Breachers. Plus he had that half of a message delivered to him by the first Breacher that seemed to be pretty important if a bit mysterious being that it was half of a message. Plus Gypsy is really pretty, so you have to believe the pretty girl is innocent and the soldiers with the guns and the violence are not very innocent at all.

To make sure ARGUS can't trace him and Gypsy as they light out for the territories (the territories being a secret place where Vibe is going to meet up with his brother Dante), he destroys any piece of ARGUS technology he has on him.

Rules Violation! Vibe should be blurry and indistinct in the video feed!

Gypsy explains to Vibe that her wicked stepmother kicked her out of the caravan for making a bad trade. So her tribe left without her but her father has been sending messages to her every time the tribe entered a new dimension. So Vibe believes he can find Gypsy a portal back to her family.

Vibe fiddles with his Vibration Vision and realizes he can see Interdimensional Portals all over the city. But he's laid low from the pain caused by using this power and Gypsy can think of only one way to distract him so he can stop focusing on his powers.

Vibe the Living Sex Toy!

And then the Suicide Squad attacks! Goddamn cock blockers.

The best part about their appearance is that a guy named Crowbar is hanging out with them! Yay! Crowbar is going to get his ass killed! I know Vibe won't kill him and I'm pretty sure Gypsy won't either. I bet Deadshot kills him. Gypsy will disguise herself to look like Crowbar and Deadshot will put a bullet in the real Crowbar's brain! And then that'll mean Sterling Gates killed just as many members of the Suicide Squad as Adam Glass did!

But first the Suicide Squad has to actually do their job well! Deadshot shoots Gypsy in the shoulder which causes her to say 'fiddle sticks' in Runespeak and which puts King Shark into a blood frenzy. As he's about to eat her, Vibe fails to save her because he gets hit in the back of the head by Crowbar's crowbar.

Let's take a moment to discuss Crowbar. Is this guy a member of Sixpack's Section Eight? Who picks up a fucking crowbar and thinks, "Holy damn! I'm a fucking Super Villain!" Maybe the Crowbar is the one used to kill Jason Todd and it's gained a demonic sentience, imbuing the wielder with super strength, invulnerability, and bad one-liners.

Is his sister back home in Ethiopia?

Crowbar's crowbar (help me please don't make me say that anymore) absorbs Vibe's powers. It can apparently redirect the power as well but Crowbar just keeps building up more and more power. There's a huge blast of power from the feedback and Crowbar disappears. His crowbar doesn't though. He's probably not dead though. I'm sure he was just blasted into another dimension. But is he an interesting enough character to rescue from that dimension? Probably not. So he's dead. Or maybe he's now the sentient presence in the crowbar! Because his name is Crowbar and now he's actually a crowbar! That's probably the way that went down.

The feedback also knocked Vibe silly and Deadshot knocks him unconscious with one more punch. Now they just have to find Gypsy since she was knocked free from King Shark's grip in Crowbar's power release.

Nobody would have let King Shark carry a deliciously edible person anyway.

Vibe and Gypsy wake up back in The Zoo. Agent Gunn isn't happy about it. Dante knows his brother is in trouble because he never arrived at their rendezvous. And Agent Gunn gets a dressing down from Waller. Amanda's next big project is to find a replacement on the Justice League of America for Vibe. If that happens, they'll have to change the title of this comic book from Justice League of America's Vibe to Now Nobody Has a Reason To Keep Reading Vibe.

Vibe #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. That ranking was actually for the Suicide Squad. How come they work so well as a team when they're in somebody else's comic book? That's the opposite of what usually happens. Maybe because they're bad guys, they have to fail and suck in their own books but they're allowed to defeat the protagonist of other titles since heroes always have to rise up after being defeated to truly be heroic. So the Squad served their purpose and moved on. And a Suicide Squad member died! Sure, he was some nobody named Crowbar using a magic crowbar imbued with the demonic energy of the murder of Jason Todd. But that's probably why he was killed. Because the Magic Crowbar is the important half of that villain team.

Justice League of America #4

The Shaggy Man is the entire Secret Society? I suppose if just he can defeat the entire JLA, why bother with anybody else?

I hear a lot of people like the way this David Finch guy does art but I'm not buying into it. I hate how all of his women, no matter what their age, look fifteen. I hate that men and women underneath the same light look to be lighted in vastly different ways. I hate the way he gave Catwoman toothpick arms on this cover and put a huge divot in her boob where he fucked up the armpit. He did draw a really nice Shaggy Man though! I'm not saying he's not capable of drawing; I'm just saying I'll never be a fan because he's so fucking inconsistent. Luckily for me, Brett Booth is doing the interiors.

This issue begins with Dr. Light being called in by Amanda Waller. I thought Teen Titans #17 began with Lobdell creating his version of Dr. Light doing crazy things to children but I guess I was wrong. Or maybe that's what Lobdell was going to work on and then he forgot all about it and editorial wanted Dr. Light for Justice League of America and Lobdell's bit made no sense anyway, so fuck it. That bit of story from Teen Titans #17 won't ever mean anything. Just like that one page interlude with Hugo Strange on a book tour in Red Hood and the Outlaws isn't going to end up meaning anything. Just like Lobdell's foreshadowing of "The Thirteen" someday being reunited to end the omniverse will never amount to anything. I'm pretty sure I called that one just disappearing down the drain of bad Lobdell ideas.

Anyway, I was supposed to be discussing Dr. Light when I got sidetracked by my intense, all-consuming hatred for Scott Lobdell. I mean for Lobdell's writing! I'm sure he's a terribly nice demon. Guy! I meant guy!

So I'm pretty sure that Dr. Light is wearing a fake goatee. I don't know why! I'm not going to make a guess at gender or sex or whatever just to open myself up to abuse by social justicers who decided I didn't use a certain term in a certain way and they were totally fucking offended by it! Calm down, y'all. Save your outrage for actual outrageous shit. I'm just typing stupid bullshit about comic books over here. Get some perspective!

I don't know who I'm typing at! I'm pretty sure anybody easily offended and unable to parse hyperbole, exaggeration, and humor never even make it through one of my commentaries.

Tell me that facial hair isn't fake!

Doctor Light has been called in to examine a coin taken off of Multiplex by Green Arrow. It's their one clue to figuring out where Catwoman was taken by Blockbuster and Signalman. There's some bullshit about the coin emitting a frequency that Waller's team can't identify yet they can replicate it yet they can't pick it up yet they don't know if it's biological and they don't know how to tune a radio properly or how to switch over to the tape deck and the auto-reverse just keeps flipping back and forth and Dr. Light is supposed to solve all of their problems.

The Justice League of America board Steve Trevor's invisible jet to trace the signal that Dr. Light locks onto. I know what you're thinking! Invisible Jet?! He stole that technology from Wonder Woman! Well, he might have. But ARGUS (no more periods! I'm done with periods!) has improved the technology so it also makes the occupants invisible as well! Seriously, what good is an invisible jet when you can still see the passengers pooping?

Also, Stargirl has stowed away (or stowawayed?) on the plane because she hates Amanda Waller and her stupid plan to keep Stargirl out of the action.

Meanwhile Catwoman has escaped her chair and is exploring the Secret Society of Super Villains hideout.

With a map of the Batcave, it looks like whoever runs this little show is the person who stole the Kryptonite Ring from Batman's arsenal and gave it to Despero. Unless it was Martian Manhunter who did that, seeing as Martian Manhunter has all the right abilities to get past Batman's eye scans and palm scans and penis siphons and rectum idents. Also, Despero made those cryptic remarks about Manhunter wanting him to join him. Although that could have been about ancient history when Manhunter perhaps wanted to conquer Earth and was palling up with jerks like Despero and Amazo and Eclipso and Oreo.

The team eventually finds the Secret Society of Super Villains Headquarters which is a mansion that seems to teleport from forest to forest around the world. They infiltrate the base and quickly discover Professor Ivo's robot lab.

Actually, I think they were the iceberg. An Aquaman robot is a couple of ice cube trays at best.

And then The Shaggy Man attacks! The Shaggy Man has the ability to defend against any attack it's seen before. So I'm pretty sure my initial plan would be to shove a gun up its ass and pull the trigger. I doubt that's happened to it before!

Meanwhile Professor Ivo has discovered Catwoman prancing around on her investigating feet and he doesn't seem to question it too closely. Let's see, last time anybody saw her she was tied to a chair in their interrogation room. And now she's in the leader's office? Oh, no big deal. Come along. Let's meet everyone!

But Catwoman and her massive thigh aren't taking any chances.

Back to the fight with The Shaggy Man, Martian Manhunter is discovering it can breathe fire. That kind of evens up the odds a bit. Also, Stargirl has yet to catch up to them but I have a feeling she might be in some trouble. Amanda was keeping Stargirl off of the field team because Amanda's main concern was keeping Stargirl from getting killed. Now that Stargirl has ignored Amanda's orders, it means Stargirl has to face the consequences. And the set up is suggesting those consequences will be in the form of decapitation. Or evisceration. Possibly immolation.

The only trouble with that speculation is that it would seem really weird to introduce Stargirl to the New 52, have her do exactly nothing, and then kill her off immediately. Although she seems to have some kind of connection with Sylvester Pemberton and I think he's dead. Maybe. So death might not faze her for too long. Oh hell, she might not even die. Maybe she'll save them all! In your face, Amanda "doesn't actually know it all now, does she" Waller!

Except that whole Shaggy Man fight is just backdrop to the real action. Catwoman is eventually caught and returned to her chair where the pale, purple leader threatens to kill her if she doesn't tell him why her and her teammates have come looking for them. He also tells her he's about to send some crazy ass feedback through the coin that Dr. Light is examining. Catwoman tells the leader that killing her will bring Batman down on him and his cohorts and he seems fairly agreeable to those terms.

I'm pretty certain she has at least five more lives left. She managed to survive landing on her face in the street after Batman kicked her off of a motorcycle going 100 miles per hour!

Has Catwoman's comic book been canceled? Even with Ann Nocenti at the helm? No? So Catwoman must be okay. That gun she was shot with is probably using some kind of Ich Luge bullets! Also, she can't be dead because Batman! He's already had so much death in his life lately, how can he handle anymore? I mean, how can Alfred handle anymore!?

The back-up story is by Matt Kindt again and it's about Martian Manhunter's vulnerability to fire. I think he developed the vulnerability when an editor said, "Seriously, Joe? Why not just give him every power in the book! This guy can't be fucking beat! Make him vulnerable to kryptonite or something, sheesh."

Except it's actually guilt for being away on Phobos taking his Presidential Fitness Test while the rest of the Martians were wiped out in a global fire created by a Yellow Lantern (or more than one?). So now his survivor's guilt causes him to want to throw himself into a flame whenever he's near one.

The story may or may not have been more elegant than my synopsis. But you all know that having read the comic before reading my commentary, right?

Justice League of America #4 Rating: +1 Ranking. I hope Stargirl knows how to heal head wounds. And brain damage. And loss of blood. And fractured skulls.

Vibe #4

How can you be betrayed by somebody whose trust you've never earned in the first place? Punch him in the throat, Batman!

Vibe has begun to get suspicious of A.R.G.U.S. and Agent Gunn and Amanda Waller. I would say it's about time but he's actually come to the realization much quicker than I would have expected. Perhaps he'll run into Batman as he's investigating the Justice League of America. That pronoun was meant to be ambiguous because I think they'll both be investigating the JLA when they end up sneaking backwards into each other in a dark subbasement hallway.

The issue begins with Agent Gunn's wife starting an argument.

Why do so many strong, young black men got to go for these white bitches?

Casey has no idea what he's arguing for. All Casey wants is for Gunn to wear a stupid ring when he's at work. A lousy ring! Casey really wants to risk his life for a tiny, insignificant, minute little point? Casey! Wake the fuck up, dumb dumb! A.R.G.U.S. fucks with super villains heroes! Somebody is eventually going to get pissed and you think you're going to be able to defend the home with your dish soap soft hands? You're in construction, right? Perhaps you should get busy with the fucking coffin.

Meanwhile I forgot that someone in a strange blue and gold costume had infiltrated Vibe's inner sanctum. That's his bedroom. And he's got half a message to deliver to Vibe and by gum he's going to deliver it!

Success!

Meanwhile Gypsy is busy gathering her super hero uniform and helping the homeless and recovering spilled popcorn. She seems like a very sweet interdimensional devil warrior. Too bad A.R.G.U.S. and Vibe are going to hunt her down and bring her to justice! That'll teach her to try to better her life in another dimension without all of the proper paper work. How dare she take jobs from Prime Dimensionalists! Just because she has a good attitude and a hard work ethic doesn't mean she should be allowed to earn Prime Dimensional Currency! Go back where you came from, you shape-shifting Breachie!

Oh, I once wrote a comic book about aliens coming to America! I'm linking to it instead of posting it here because the font probably won't be readable when I reduce it to 620 pixels. But I assure you that I wrote at least half the shit over there at No Apologies! Press! I'm The Red Lizard King in the Editorials section and I also wrote Dwarflover, Superball!, True American History, Quasi-Thinking (which would be a terrific Tumblr site), Sci-fi Tales, Movie Reviews, and co-wrote Reading Rainbow Outtakes, Future Retard, and Crazy Asian Drinks. The majority of Grunion Guy's stories are posted there as well. But enough about the past, eh? Especially when I didn't provide links to each bit. Like anybody is going to do a few clicks worth of work to read any of that old shit. That stuff is ancient history! Over a decade old! Holy fuck I've been writing shit on the internet for a Goddamn long time.

I really like the first one didn't take line. It just says so much about Gunn's life in such a minimal amount of space. Beautifully subtle, really. In that way that isn't too subtle so that only a few readers get it. It's there for everyone but it doesn't bash anybody over the head with a long explication of his time trying to pass. Plus it leaves us with the knowledge that he has a, probably interesting, story to tell.

So Vibe is off to find Gypsy now. I really don't think those two should work together ever again. I mean, Vibe is already working with Martian Manhunter! Now you're going to throw Gypsy in the mix? What next? Steel and Vixen? Disaster!

The crowd is restless and obviously anti-American the way they keep screaming about how they have rights and shit. Don't they realize the government is just trying to keep them safe by keeping them confined? Sheesh! You want to live until your liver gives out, right people? Then give up your stupid freedoms already so that you can feel safer! Geez. Trouble makers.

Vibe gives chase to Gypsy until he's kicked in the face by Batman. Uh oh! I think the Justice League may have gotten wind of Amanda Waller's stupid plan to kill them.

Except Batman is really Gypsy! Oh man! She's so tricky! But shouldn't she get a new name? I mean, really? Gypsy? Isn't that a little derogatory? Why not Spic? Or Kike? Or Nigger? Or Cunt? Or Honky? Or...man. Honky! Why can't we think up a good derogatory slang word for white men? You know why? Because they've usually been raised in a culture that teaches them they have all the power and everybody else is inferior. So there's no real stigma attached to the word. Unless you're someone like my high school friend Soy Rakelson who was constantly upset when white men were the butt of jokes or the punching bags in essays. He'd flip out and wonder why that wasn't discrimination or why people weren't protesting that piece of writing. Man. He had issues. Oh! I think calling white people racist is the best derogatory term you can come up with. Especially if they aren't! Boy, they turn red and sputter and go into a death spiral of verbiage as they try to defend themselves against the claim. The Honky half of me doesn't give a shit about being called anything but the Spic half of me will fucking gut you if you degrade my Spanish ancestors! And let's not even get into sexual orientation! Heterosexual with Continuous Bouts of Narcissistic Self-Love and College Experimental Tendencies.

I bet the name "Gypsy" was simply less offensive than everything I wrote after bringing that up! For the record, I think football teams with Native American mascots are bullshit. Fuck everyone who thinks that's okay.

Looks like Vibe isn't going to be in the JLA for very long.

By collapsing the ceiling on A.R.G.U.S., Vibe gets a moment to speak privately to Gypsy. He discovers that she was left behind as her tribe moved through this dimension and she simply wants to find a way home to her family. Vibe believes her because she's a pretty girl.

Agent Gunn is getting to know Vibe and he realizes Vibe probably just needs to be talked to about Gypsy and what letting her go could mean. But Amanda is a cold-hearted bitch that wants things done her way no matter what may be wrong or right. Fuck reality. Amanda Waller writes reality, bitches. So she calls up her other team to take care of this mess and capture Vibe and Gypsy alive.

This may be my favorite moment with the Suicide Squad so far in the entire New 52!

Vibe #4 Rating: +2 Ranking. This comic is fun and interesting and I like where things are headed. I apologize to Sterling Gates for continuously calling him a crappy writer. Obviously he was merely writing down to Rob Liefeld's artistic level. Man, that's the worst apology in the world because now I need to apologize to Rob Liefeld too! Fuck that! Once he (or someone in his camp) claimed he was basically as important as Jack Kirby to the world of comics, I was done with him. Just because you created a lot of characters that were exactly alike with no personality whatsoever and all had names like Blooddeath and Deathspew and Killalot and Deathkill and Bloodflow and Deadborn and Smashkill, it doesn't mean you were an amazing creator. And just because you created a character like Deadpool, it doesn't mean you "created" the character! You made a shitty character that other people turned into a hilarious anti-hero. It's kind of like Giffen creating Lobo. The potential may have been there but not until Alan Grant got his grubby little mind on him did the character turn into something hilarious and fantastic. Of course he became an overused punching bag soon after that, but that doesn't erase the peak of his career.

Anyway, what I was trying to say was this: I'm sorry for putting down your writing so often, Mr. Gates. I'm very much enjoying Vibe and it's apparent you know what you're doing. Congratulations!