Suicide Squad Loves The Banana Splits #1

I feel like this comic book has a target audience of one and that one is me!

I used to watch The Banana Splits early in the morning before school back in early elementary school. They were sort of like The Monkees if the The Monkees were furries. I was sold on the show just from the opening theme song with The Banana Splits running around an amusement park. I can't really recall the plots to the shows but I get the feeling they were always trying to evade the landlord because they hadn't sold enough crack to pay the rent yet. My favorite part of Kick Ass (and pretty much the only part I remember) was when Hit Girl begins murdering the fuck out of people while The Banana Splits theme song played. I have that version of the theme song (and the original!) on my iTunes and I never skip it when it comes up. If only the Suicide Squad had such good music to accompany their crazy exploits.

That's my love of the Banana Splits half! My love for the Suicide Squad half begins with Ostrander's run post-crisis in the eighties. That's my favorite all time mainstream super hero comic book run of all time. I have to add all of those qualifiers because it can't really compare to my love of Elfquest or Cerebus or Transmetropolitan or The Sandman or definitely not Shade the Changing Man or Astro City or Planetary or Strangers in Paradise or many others. But for a super hero comic book from DC or Marvel? Totes my fave! It did shit no other comic book at the time was doing. Like, um, things you wouldn't believe! Adult things that didn't have to do with sex (but if they had, it would only have made it better!). Also, that's where Oracle was created! And the eventual reveal of who Oracle was might be one of the greatest and most satisfying reveals in comic books. Those kinds of things are hard to pull off! Unlike me who is easy to pull off! Get it?! I come quickly!

The issue begins with The Banana Splits nearly being gunned down by overzealous cops on their way to play the Whisky-a-Go-Go. They've traded in their Banana Buggies for a military grade Humvee. I guess they finally figured out how to sell all of their crack. Or maybe their music took off.

I feel like they're making light of a monstrous problem in our society!

It turns out the violent cops who turn up to taze the Banana Splits work for somebody known as "The Boss Lady." That could be Amanda Waller although it goes against the spirit of the Suicide Squad to hunt down an innocent band of non-criminals for recruitment. They must really be selling drugs to get by! It's also possible they're being kidnapped by a female super villain to use their music against the world. Sort of like how the Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band's instruments were used for evil by Steve Martin, Alice Cooper, and the Future Villain Band (aka Aerosmith).

While the Suicide Squad are on another mission going tits up (which sounds great but it isn't for some reason), The Banana Splits have been sent to Belle Reve for some reason? Resisting arrest, I guess? Oh! I bet the cops found all the crack they were trying to sell for rent in the trunk of the Humvee. Unless Humvee's don't have trunks. I guess it was in Snork's trunk.

In Belle Reve, the Banana Splits act the same way The Monkees would act if they were sent to prison. They really are pretty much the same exact group. But I think The Banana Splits were meant for a slightly older audience.

Deadshot, Katana, Flag, and Killer Croc are in serious trouble on their mission. So Amanda is all, "I know how to save you! I'll send some prisoners who haven't actually been convicted of anything yet and probably shouldn't be in Belle Reve at all but are because otherwise it would have been too hard to figure out how to do this crossover! Also, they're musicians whose only experience with violence is through slapstick. Although to make this entire premise more palatable, I'm watching a fight scene on the lunchroom monitor right now explaining how The Banana Splits are great fighters because one of them is a gorilla, one is a lion, and one is an elephant. So don't worry, Deadshot! You'll be safe in one quick music montage chase scene!"

I wonder which one is going to die?

The Suicide Squad apparently weren't as on the verge of death as Waller was led to believe. After the Banana Splits parachute in to save the Squad, the Squad save the Banana Splits. It really just seems to be Rick Flag whose life is in danger. The threat? It's the same threat as in the mid-80s Apple IIe game, Wasteland! The AI of a robot factory has achieved sentience and decided to make millions of robots to cleanse the world of humankind. I guess that's the same plot as in Terminator as well. And probably a whole bunch of other stories from the 80s. We were really afraid of machines in the eighties. I didn't eat toast for twelve years. I still eat my Pop Tarts uncooked like a barbarian!

Snork comes up with a plan and then Harley describes the plan to Amanda. In doing so, we have a new piece of verified canon that I'm currently adding, in Sharpie, to my Who's Who entry of Rick Flag.

"Likes being fingered in the butthole during sex."

Some people might want these Hanna-Barbera crossovers to be alternate universe stories. But remember if you choose to believe that, you can't know for sure that Flag needs one up the bum to orgasm.

The mission is successful and the Banana Splits choose to remain in Belle Reve so they can shed their bubblegum pop image and become hard core idiots. Fuck that nonsense! Bubblegum pop forever!

The back-up story is about Snagglepuss. I bet at some point, he exits stage left! Probably to go suck a dick. The story is by Mark Russell with art by Howard Porter so I'm bound to like it. I'm sorry, Steve Buccellato, that I have no opinion at all on your coloring skills.

I don't remember Snagglepuss being so philosophical! Maybe I was watching his cartoons incorrectly!

I bet Snagglepuss and Foghorn Leghorn would have made a cute couple. Volatile, but cute!

The Ranking!
I don't rank one shots and specials! Unless sometimes I feel in the mood to rank them. Today isn't one of those days.

Justice League of America #10

Everybody is all, "DIE MOTHER FUCKERS!" And Aquaman is all, "I have a fork!"

So, this comic book is still a thing. It's got to end this month, right? Can there be anybody left at DC who isn't completely sick of Bryan Hitch at this point? I can understand hiring a writer like Warren Ellis even though you know you're going to get some deadline problems from him because his stuff is crazy worth reading. But Bryan Hitch is one of those artists who wanted to write their own stories and then decided to stop drawing as well even though he never quite got the hang of writing stories. It's one of the most common scams in comic books! An artist comes to the people in charge and says, "Hey! I want to write some of the stories I'm drawing!" And the people in charge are all, "Cool! We'll save some money on that deal!" And then after the artist does this for a few months, the people in charge realize that the artist-writer now has too much work and can't manage the deadlines. So the people in charge bring in some artists to do the art while the artist simply does the writing. Now the company is stuck with a sub-par writer who they hired for their art but now they aren't drawing anything! What jerks!

[[MORE]] For those who can't remember what was happening in this comic book because the last issue came out in the late 70s, Earth was being threatened by a mad alien pretending to be the Kryptonian god Rao (or really was but, then, I'd like to believe that the person Superman worships isn't a total dick-muffin (and is also, probably, imaginary)). He'd summoned the ancient planet of Krypton to an orbit near the Earth so that he could invade with thousands of his own Supermen. So the world is fucked unless Batman is wearing a shirt with extra long sleeves to pull something tremendous out of.

According to the credits page, Bryan Hitch's only involvement in this issue is coming up with the plot. So basically, forget not drawing it; this fucker was too busy to even write it. I've got a feeling he didn't even add much to the plot of this issue. He probably summarized the plot of eight of the first nine issues to Tony Bedard (minus the Martian Manhunter issue, of course!) and said, "Then, like, in this issue, I was going to have the Justice League of America win. You got that?" At least I can look forward to decent comic book dialogue by Bedard. Although I really wanted to be petty and churlish, so I'm also disappointed that I won't be reading the bullshit that Hitch came up with.

Hal Jordan groups up with the Justice League to let them know that 250,000 Supermen are about to attack Earth as soon as they breach his shield. Put your dicks away! That wasn't a euphemism.

Batman installed the white lenses on his mask that cover his eyes so nobody would see them roll every time Superman says something cheesy like this.

While Batman rolls his eyes and The Flash makes jerk-off motions faster than anybody can see, Wonder Woman actually decides to say something. She's all, "'I trust we'll win!' says the guy who was dead ten minutes ago." Superman assures everybody that they'll win because if they don't win, they won't win. So, you know, they have to win! I'm not so sure they will win though because this is obviously an alternate universe (even if it was mentioned in other comic books. I'm just going to ignore those bits). Also, they're relying on Silas Stone for some kind of countermeasure to the Kryptonians. That's just asking for trouble! The last time he helped, he turned his son into a robot who doesn't know if his brain is real or Memorex.

Oh man. How many people have no idea what Memorex is?! Hmm, I guess they're still a thing!

With 250,000 Kryptonians descending on Metropolis, how the hell is the Justice League supposed to win? I think that's what Bryan Hitch was thinking and that's why this comic book took so long to come out. He probably finally got a brainstorm for how to solve this dilemma after reading DK III #6. We'll know for sure if Metropolis suddenly has a Kryptonite rain storm!

Oh. I guess this is the big secret weapon. I wonder why Silas didn't send one for Aquaman?

Besides the mechanized armor, Silas also sent a bunch of robotic drones. Does the government know STAR Labs has been working on a private army of killer robots? I guess they don't because these robots were just built in the last 24 hours or so. Unless the robot army was extant and Silas just fashioned anti-Kryptonian weapons for them. I have other questions as well which probably won't be answered so I shouldn't even ask them, like where did STAR Labs get the labor to build these robots? Or the money? Or the technology? Oh, they probably already had the tech since the word is right there in their name.

The Justice League get the upper hand and then they lose the upper hand and then they gain the upper hand and then they begin to lose it for good. But Batman has a plan! Leave Aquaman to fight the Kryptonians while he and Cyborg head to Krypton to talk it over with the Doomsday Stones. Batman's plan is to get the Doomsday Stones to age the sun until it becomes a Red Giant. The Kryptonians lose their powers and young Rao beheads his future self. Everybody lives happily ever after. Except Superman. He's still going to die and be replaced by Preboot Superman.

The Review!
I'm just glad this thing is finally over. As you might be able to tell by my lack of details, I grew bored with the entire thing right about when the Kryptonians invaded. You just can't sustain a reader's enthusiasm for a story when it takes nearly two years to put out ten issues. Especially when the same guy who can't finish this fucking story gets hired to write the new biweekly Justice League comic book! How did DC ever think he was going to finish this story? I guess the fact that Tony Bedard scripted this issue answers my question: they never expected him to finish. They finally just got somebody else to wrap it up so they would have a complete story to stick in a Trade Paperback later. I wonder if they call Tony Bedard "The Finisher" around the DC offices?

Teen Titans #24

I thought they already fell? Multiple times!

The Commentary!
Last night I was at work when the clock ticked over from the 25th to the 26th and I became as middle-aged as anybody can get. Forty-five. I was listening to my Shuffle so the last song I heard as a forty-four year old was "One Headlight" by The Wallflowers and the first song I heard as an old man was "Obsession" by Marina and the Diamonds. Let's hear it for aging!

"One Headlight" was big when I was in my mid-twenties. It kind of became the soundtrack for my life at the time as I was desperate to get out of the place I'd spent the first quarter century of my life. I hadn't changed. I knew I wasn't the same. I wanted to watch it all burn. I'm particularly proud of myself that I didn't set fire to the Netscape warehouse I managed when I quit my job and, a week later, was driving my Volkswagen bus across the United States. I'm also proud that I didn't burn each and every state on my way out. I'm just proud that I stopped setting fires!

This issue takes place after Red Robin died. He didn't actually die but he was yanked out of continuity much the same way Wally West was. But instead of telling fans Red Robin is gone forever and never actually existed (which they believed because most fans are dum-dums who don't know how to fact check by looking at their own pirated copies of comic books on their laptops to prove that Wally West did actually exist and DC Comics never actually created some time distorting technology which erased Wally West from everybody's minds), Red Robin was shown, in the very same comic in which he died, to still be alive but outside of DC Continuity with Doctor Oz(yman(hattan)dias) and Ambush Bug. I'm starting to think maybe Doctor Oz is Jonni DC and not Ozymandias and/or Doctor Manhattan like the fans have been told. Or maybe Doctor Oz is simply Irwin Schwab!

Sometimes I wish Keith Giffen were running DC Comics. I wouldn't even care if every comic book repeated the same five jokes over and over again. Because that would be the only predictable thing about a Keith Giffen DC Universe. Remember how they gave Stan Lee his own continuity? Why can't Keith Giffen have one of those?

Anyway, Red Robin is dead (but not really! I don't want somebody who thinks they're the biggest Red Robin fan ever reading about his death here and not realizing that DC made sure that the fans knew Red Robin wasn't really dead in the exact same issue because who wants to hear how loudly Red Robin fans can whine?) so this issue is all about the Teen Titans remembering their favorite Red Robin moments. I hope Wonder Girl's favorite time was when they were living on that yacht and she is all, "I loved that time he put his penis in me!" And then Raven will be all, "I loved that time he put his penis that smelled like Wonder Girl's vagina in me!"

Bunker begins Memory Sharing Time!

"I loved that time he put his penis that smelled like Wonder Girl's vagina and Raven's tonsils in my butthole."

Just to let all three of you know, I only got as far as that first panel before deciding Red Robin, possessed by Trigon, also fucked Bunker.

But, um, it looks like things might be going that way!

After they had sex, Tim and Bunker go clothes shopping and then Tim attends his first gay pride parade. He makes a lot of friends, goes to a lot of parties, and sucks a lot of dicks. I don't mean to say gay men are more promiscuous than straight men (of course they aren't! It's just that, you know, if you're a man looking to just fuck and the people you're looking to just fuck happen to be other men just looking to fuck, well...you know what? I'm now gay), it's just that Tim just discovered he loves sucking dick and that's not a time you instantly decide you're ready for a relationship!

So, um, anyway, that was Bunker's favorite memory of Tim. It was the day Tim came out of the closet. Unless that was just Trigon getting in as much fucking as he could while people found him attractive.

Fucking liberal entertainment artists! They can never get the American flag right but they get the rainbow flag correct! I mean, except for that one that has too many stripes and just begins repeating the rainbow pattern.

I suppose the reason DC's artists get the American Flag wrong so often is that most of them aren't Americans. So why should they know the specifics of why the flag is the way it is (although if I had to bet, I'd probably say a higher percentage of Americans can't explain why our flag looks the way it does)? They probably just do a Google Image Search and go, "Yeah. Right. Blue field. Bunch of white stars. Alternating red and white stripes. Got it!" Why would anybody think there's a specific number of stars and stripes?! Just stick on as many as you possibly can. That seems to sum up America pretty accurately, right?!

Next Power Girl shares her favorite memory of Tim. Oh! I know how that probably begins: "So, Tim introduced himself as Red Robin and I was all, 'Hi, I'm Power Girl.' Then he died."

I wasn't far off! Her memory is Tim telling a bad joke and then saying it's nice to know somebody who knows as much as he does. So, she, um, just fucking told all of Tim's friends that, in private, he thought they were morons? Great story, Power Girl!

Tim also helped Power Girl realize she had no obligation to cut a Boob Window into her costume. See? Gay!

Next up: Raven! I bet her story is all about feelings. I'm bored just imagining what it will be!

How many Titans were created to be living weapons?

I didn't have to scan as much of that panel as I did but I wanted to include Raven's crotch and Tim's stupid hair.

Tim is all, "Look, maybe I don't know what it's like being Trigon's daughter...but I know what it's like being in her! OH!" No, actually he mentions how they both have Daddy Issues. Yawn! If Wonder Girl's favorite memory isn't having sex with Tim, I think that's pretty telling about Tim Drake's sexual skills. I guess Batman didn't teach him everything he knows!

Wow! He's supposed to be a genius?! Tim sure read that situation wrong. Batman didn't see a spark of goodness! Batman saw a spark of his own sperm in Damian's genetic makeup!

Gar's memory is just a list of outing past Robin's identities. "Oh, the first one was Dick Grayson. I remember that for some reason even though Spyral erased all of our memories. And then the next one, the dead one, was Jason Todd. Then there's Tim Drake who we only knew as Red Robin for like the first five years we knew him. And then the latest one is Damian Wayne so, you know, guess who Batman is!" I don't really care one way or the other about secret identities. I wouldn't care if they were just left behind and writers simply ignored the idea that family members might get hurt simply to get at the heroes. But it's really hard to tell how much superheroes in the DC Universe care about their identities. Who knows what? How many people has Batman come out to as Bruce Wayne simply to get their confidence up? This is the kind of carelessness which you treat a secret that you don't really give a shit about keeping secret. Unlike that time you fucked the family dog. I mean, you don't tell that one to anybody!

Nope. Wrong. That would be Dick. Thanks for playing.

I do appreciate that Power Girl's funeral attire has a Boob Window, even if her costume doesn't. Totally more appropriate for a funeral anyway. The best place to look sexy is in a room of grief-stricken people just looking to feel life again. I bet more fucking goes on at wakes than at any other type of get together. Which is weird because often it's mostly a mini-family reunion. First cousins aren't technically incest, right? And if they are, there's always the family dog, I suppose.

I'm glad the Titans are telling stories about the good times they had because every issue of the Teen Titans since The New 52 began concentrated on only the bad times. I'm surprised they have any good time stories to tell!

Wonder Girl's story is about shopping with Tim but she doesn't mention the night they fucked! So in summary, shopping with Tim is better than fucking Tim. Totally would have guessed that.

Wonder Girl's story isn't just about shopping though. She and Tim actually did something heroic that day and saved a bunch of people trapped in a fire. So the Teen Titans do help out and save lives! It's just that those stories are super boring and nobody wants to hear them! I guess the fans would rather have lots of stupid relationship drama while the Titans are attacked by their enemies and nearly destroy New York. Then afterward, they pat themselves on the back for saving New York when New York was never in trouble to begin with! Stupid Titans are so stupid. I hate them. I wonder why I have so many of their comic books?! I wonder if I should see a therapist?

After they tell their stories, they all decide it's best to just break up. They all go off to do their own things and not matter separately instead of not mattering together. Meanwhile, Damian is in the Batcave laughing at Tim Drake's empty costume and dancing on his grave. Now all of the Robin's have died at least once! Plus he's probably thinking about how he can put together a Teen Titans that is better than any Teen Titans ever put together by a Robin (which is, like, all of them? Maybe 98% of them?).

Ranking!
+1! Tony Bedard should have been writing this comic book from the beginning. What Tony Bedard just did with these final issues is the equivalent of scraping dog shit off of the front walk and hosing what's left into the gutter so that nobody would ever know it was there. Also, the shit in my analogy is human shit.

Teen Titans #23

Beast Boy is definitely wishing Queen Bee was wearing a skirt.

The Things!
• Batman calls up Tim Drake to let him know that the Teen Titans are no longer fugitives. Amanda Waller decided she didn't want any of the arrogant bastards in her prison and she pulled a few of her millions of strings to make sure the Teen Titans never have to take responsibility for all of the stupid, illegal bullshit the other terrible writers of this comic book had them do. Everybody associated with the Teen Titans, and everybody who loves the Teen Titans, should be queuing up to kiss Tony Bedard's ass because he's finally making this team into an interesting, cohesive unit that might actually make themselves useful to the world.

• Exhibit A: This is cute and adorable and Teen Titany.

• The Titans are hanging out in New Orleans because, as teenagers, they can probably find dozens of different places to drink. I mean, you can find dozens of places to drink in any city if you're underage. It's just easier in New Orleans because everybody is loopy from the constant jazz music.

• The city comes under a psychic assault by The H.I.V.E. Red Robin shows he's a genius by getting the leader of the H.I.V.E.'s name wrong. She's the H.I.V.E. Mistress! Or possibly Queen Bee! But not H.I.V.E. Queen, dum-dum! Unless she's currently Hector Hammond?

• I wonder how many people I've called "dum-dum" in my life when I was in the wrong? Maybe all of those other dum-dums should be more confident in their opinions!

• Everybody in New Orleans is mind-controlled which is a perfect time for anybody who resisted the mind-control to do all of the illegal shit they've always been wanting to do. Then if they get caught, they can just plead mind-control like everybody else!

• All of the New Orleanseans begin buzzing which is probably a bad sign although it might just be something they do down there in the Big Easy.

• Why is it called the Big Easy? Because it's easy for minors to find places to drink?

• Somebody's vagina is exploding!

• The H.I.V.E. Queen tells the Teen Titans her plan because overconfidence looks good on a super villain. So sexy.

• The H.I.V.E. Queen (who really is Queen Bee but they're not calling her that even though Red Robin points out this is the same person who almost defeated Superman when she attempted this plan in Metropolis awhile back) has decided to take over the world again but this time she chose to start in New Orleans because New Orleans doesn't have a Superman defending it. Too bad the Teen Titans were on vacation!

• Red Robin makes up some science and technology so his plan to find the H.I.V.E. Queen seems feasible. It's not though because psionics don't work the way he thinks they work! Anybody who listens to Coast to Coast AM knows that it works via shifts in tonal vibrations and not bio-chemical heat signatures. Duh!

• Red Robin sacrifices his teammates to find the H.I.V.E. Queen so now it's just Red Robin versus the world. Or at least New Orleans which, if you're from New Orleans, you already agreed with the "world" part.

• The H.I.V.E. Queen tries to read Red Robin's mind when he and Raven fall victim to her power at the foot of her command center. That's when she screams in terror and passes out. I bet that was an old Batman trick! He probably trained his mind to project Two Girls, One Cup whenever he's mind-controlled.

• So exactly what I said. Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

• Come on, Tony Bedard! At least come up with a crazy example of Red Robin's "four-dimensional logic puzzle" instead of just saying "It was a way more complex form of 'What is the sound of one hand clapping?'" Especially since everybody knows the sound of one hand clapping is a kind of inhuman screech.

• Red Robin apologizes that he used the Teen Titans like pawns and the stupidest one of the group, Gar, is all, "Chess analogy! I know a chess analogy!" Please. I might believe Garfield would have come up with a retort if it were a checkers analogy but what does that moron know about chess? I'm super smart and I can't even name all of the pieces!

The Review
And thus ends the Golden Age of the Teen Titans! Future generations will look back on The New 52 Teen Titans as the most brilliant example of how not to write a comic book. It seems a bit unfair for me to state that at the end of Tony Bedard's run which was probably the only readable bit of the Teen Titans in the last five years. It's insane to even think that he wrote anything coherent with the flaming wreck he was given to deal with. It was like an entire city was on fire and he was tasked with saving the mayor's gerbil in the center of the conflagration and he managed it. Also the mayor's gerbil started the fire so it's odd that anybody wanted to save the little bastard. I just hope Bedard's run doesn't wind up being just a glimmer of what the series could have been if Benjamin Percy tanks his turn at the wheel.

Oh, my mistake! There's one more issue!

Teen Titans #22

Finally! They're where they belong!

The Review!
The Teen Titans are slowly becoming a team that works together instead of a junior high school drama full of sex and bickering who sometimes stop having sex and stop bickering to battle one of their parents. Why wasn't Tony Bedard allowed to write the Teen Titans from the beginning? And why couldn't he keep the job for Rebirth? Maybe because I want something different from this team than other fans want? Do people really just want to read about the Titan's swapping partners and feeling heartbroken and love sick while never actually being heroic ever? I wouldn't mind that if the Teen Titans took place in a school for gifted children and they didn't constantly portray themselves as a team of heroes helping to save other young people from trouble. Because then I wouldn't care if they weren't fighting crime? I would totally be into Cassie having lesbian sex dreams about her English teacher. Or Bunker and Garfield starting a band called the Zit Remedy. Or Raven having a baby and wearing her hair gelled up all spikey! Or Tim Drake getting locked in the utility closet and being called a Broomhead, whatever that means! I would love that version of the Teen Titans!

The Commentary!
Last issue ended with Red Robin missing. It turns out he was arrested by the Belle Reve Somewhat International (I think?) Police Force! They have jurisdiction over wherever the hell Amanda Waller wants them to. Basically that means if Batman is busy, Amanda can sneak a mission while he's not looking. So her jurisdiction is any place that is currently behind Batman.

The Titans are desperate to find Red Robin because he's the smartest super kid on the planet. Or at least as smart as all the other super kids who are also the smartest. In fact, I think Beast Boy and Bunker are the only teen superheroes who are of average intelligence or below! One of them is definitely below average. I'm not going to say which one because I'd rather have two fandoms arguing against each other than Garfield's fandom sending me hate messages. Um, I mean, uh, whoops!

Hey! Thanks for the confirmation, Gar!

Power Girl's big suggestion was that they turn themselves in because they've broken multiple laws and are huge narcissistic assholes to boot. Cassie thinks maybe Batman will help them because she apparently isn't bright either. Even Garfield knew that was a bad idea and he's dumber than Booster Gold!

Tim is currently in an interview with Amanda Waller. I bet Amanda doesn't want this comic book to end because she's still super skinny. Although she'll probably lose some weight when Jim Lee tries to draw her. I really doubt his ability to draw a person who isn't all muscle.

Apparently Amanda Waller wants the Teen Titans to work for the Suicide Squad. But why would they? They're currently free! They have no reason to work for Amanda! And they won't have any reason until they've been arrested and tried in a court of law and found guilty of being Superboy's friend! Amanda doesn't have to wait for teammates. She has a whole prison of villains who have already been apprehended. And why would she mess with one of Batman's ex-sidekicks? That's just asking for Batman to turn around and fuck up her jurisdiction.

Don't bother looking up those issues of Teen Titans in the editor's note. They're terrible. Just know Amanda is right. At least in Red Robin's case. Not all of the current Teen Titans helped Superboy escape from the law.

Amanda sets off Tim's distress beacon and the Teen Titans, being a bunch of dumb amateurs (except for Power Girl who is a genius amateur), head to Belle Reve to try to break him out of prison. I hope they get their asses beat by the Suicide Squad! I mean, they don't have to win this fight. They just have to prove to Amanda that they aren't the bad guys. They really do mean well and they want to help but they followed some bad advice from their leader. That's probably why he quits and goes back to Bat-school.

Power Girl knows that the defenses at Belle Reve are a bunch of weapons that can only be used against one specific target each. So an anti-magic cannon and an anti-speed crossbow and an anti-flight butterfly net. So she decides that the Titans can confuse the defenders by pretending to be each other! Power Girl pretends to be Raven and she's hit by the anti-magic cannon which does nothing to her! That's when she grows really big and says, "Ha ha, bitches! Wrong weapon!" I guess whoever had the anti-Giganta lawn dart was too stupid to throw it once he saw her growing. I mean, I think if I were in charge of the anti-Giganta lawn dart, I'm fairly certain I'd know exactly when to throw it. But the guy at Belle Reve hesitates and gets stomped by Power Girl. The worst part about this scene is that Red Robin begins gloating. He's all, "You have lots of defenses but what have you got against smarter-than-you? BURN!" Amanda really should have slapped his face at that point.

Waller's guards all get their asses kicked because they're just guards! They're nobodies! Nobody expects them to save the day! I think it's time to call in the Suicide Squad! Or will that only happen on the final page? I was hoping this would be the final issue but it feels like they may be dragging things out for the dramatic Suicide Squad final page reveal.

The Titans do that thing where they endanger everybody but then save everybody from the sudden danger! It's like their Hallmark Card! But it's the perfect card to play because the guards are all, "Fuck you, Amanda! Dese kids is sweet and shit!" And Amanda says something about pesky kids and kicks them all out of her prison. So at least they proved they're good guys to the guards at Belle Reve. Now the Teen Titans just have to prove they're not criminals to the other 99.9998% of the world! Maybe they'll accomplish that next issue.

Teen Titans #21

Mallah really should invest in a BabyBjörn for Brain.

The Commentary!
If this issue doesn't include a scene where Mallah lubes up his asshole and slowly sits on The Brain, I'm not going to be surprised at all. Although now that I've thought up that scene, why can't it appear in this comic book? Apes do weird things with their bodies (and I'm including humans in the term "apes")! If the scene were presented without comment, couldn't it be interpreted as a colonoscopy? Sentient apes need regular checkups too! And I'm sure The Brain has all the write cameras and software to determine if everything is going good up Mallah's asshole. In that context, I probably wouldn't get an erection at all!

I suppose I'm asking too much out of a Teen rated comic book. No teenager is going to take a colonoscopy seriously, no matter how life saving the examination can be! They would just giggle and titter about the monkey sticking the computer up its butt. That's just one more nice thing I can't have that I can blame on teenagers! Jerks! I can't wait until you're not teenagers anymore and you feel the same bitter resentment I do at forty! I mean, I actually can wait because then I'll be like dead or something. So, you know, no hurry! Keep being narcissistic jerks who think they know everything for as long as you want! Especially since teenagers will always exist. It's a fucking wave, man! Right now you're at the peak but you'll soon get carried down the other side while some other noseminers will rise up and take your place! It's a goddamned curse!

Speaking of teenagers, this book is about teenagers! What a segue! Let's see if they're able to save Metatroll93 and enlist his help in cleaning up their image as juvenile delinquents who are constantly destroying property in New York City!

Wonder Girl has been mind-controlled by one of The Brain's gadgets because The Brain is useless in every single way. I wonder if The Brain built in any ports into his case, if you know what I mean! He probably calls it his glory port.

Red Robin has either begun wearing black lipstick or his lips are covered in blood because he's finally become the vampire that will live one thousand years and take on the name Harvest before traveling back in time to start The Culling!

Moments that confirm Mallah and Brain are lovers, Part One: The introduction of Mallah which read "Monsieur Mallah. Brain's longtime companion. Kinda loving it"; The Brain chastising Mallah by saying, "Weakness is never attractive, Mallah"; and The Brain calling Mallah "My pet" while Mallah pouts, "I hate when you call me that."

The Titans manage to free Metatroll93 and Wonder Girl from The Brain's devices in practically no time at all. Although I just counted the pages and it took seven pages, so that's over a third of the comic book. It felt longer! Maybe because I keep pausing to pretend the beast on machine sodomy scene is taking place.

The Brain's case includes jet propulsion which allows him to not only fuck Mallah in the ass but super duper fuck him in the ass. Currently he uses it to fly over the zoo where the Titans have wound up and drop his balls on a bunch of sea lions. The Brain's balls allow him to mind-control the sea lions. Now the Titans have to punch sea lions in the face in front of dozens of sea lion lovers. It's just another day in the life of the Teen Titans which will end with everybody hating them. I began the day hating them so I'm way ahead of the curve.

Metatroll93's memes are terrible.

How can Power Girl be upset by this collection of memes?! Not only are they not insulting the villains in them, they're just not funny or entertaining! She's still just angry that he called the Titans out for being assholes who disregard whatever laws they want in pursuit of their own desires and agendas. He's less a waste of time than the Teen Titans. And what's with Power Girl expecting him to agree with her assessment of him just because she saved his life? Fucking hell, let me die before somebody as holier-than-thou as Power Girl saves my life!

By the way, everything is going just as I said it would. I just wanted to make sure everybody remembers who the Grandmaster Comic Book Reader is here.

The Brain continues to fly around in circles above the zoo and I can't stop wondering how far up Mallah's ass he can get. Also how much fuel can he fit in that tiny canister? This comic book is so unrealistic!

Eventually his thrusters conk out because Wonder Girl smashes them. He plummets to the Earth but is caught by Mallah. Luckily The Brain isn't currently covered in lube.

Moments that confirm Mallah and Brain are lovers, Part Two.

Moments that confirm Mallah and Brain are lovers (as if anybody needs any more after the last scan), Part Three: When Raven is about to send Mallah and The Brain to Azarath to cool down, The Brain says to Mallah, "Just hold me."

Metatroll93 offers to come up with some pro-Titans memes which was totally expected by everybody, probably, but certainly predicted by me in writing the previous month. And after he comes up with some really lame memes that nobody is going to use (which means they aren't really memes, are they?), everybody realizes Red Robin is missing. They don't know it yet but he's been captured by Amanda Waller and brought to Belle Reve. I hope he joins the Suicide Squad! After all, he is an immortal vampire named Harvest! I mean, he will be soon!

The Review!
The Teen Titans have never been better! Tony Bedard has done what no writer in the last five years has been able to do! He's made the Teen Titans into a cohesive group that's actually battling bad guys doing harm! Although, technically, The Brain used the Metatroll93 opportunity to troll the Teen Titans, so it was still kind of their fault that a bunch of people were put into danger. But it was better than anything done previous to this! And best of all, the Titans aren't constantly fighting and bickering among themselves and splitting up into separate groups and hating each other with stupid teen drama! I should probably enjoy this phase of the Teen Titans while it lasts though because Benjamin Percy will be on board soon enough to turn the Teen Titans into the Tumblr Titans. Hoo boy, I am not looking forward to reading that! Although I am looking forward to writing commentary on it!

Teen Titans #20

I still can't see New 52 Raven without thinking, "Is everybody at DC blind and/or stupid?"

The Review!
Tony Bedard swoops in to salvage the mess this comic book has become and build a decent transition into Rebirth. It looks like his job is to lift the Teen Titans out of the super villain pit they've dug themselves into so that they can at least be not quite heroic but at least not lawbreakers by the time they get their Rebirth. Tony Bedard did a lot of work for DC in the early New 52 and I felt most of it was competent and entertaining. He doesn't disappoint even with this disappointment of a comic book. In fact, he actually does the impossible and writes a Teen Titans comic book that didn't cause me to question every one of my life choices up until this moment. Plus he writes Brain and Mallah as a couple although, as usual, it doesn't seem like he got the editorial thumbs-up to outright state that they're in a relationship. Mostly I'd say that's okay because I'm all for subtlety in writing over explicit declarations but in the current popular culture environment where mainstream companies are desperate to get gay viewers by playing games of "Homo or not homo?" with same sex character relationships, I think sometimes an outright labeling is more than appropriate. Editorial allowed a stupid "That's not a pickle jar" caption that really seemed like a dildo joke but they didn't okay a "Lovers" tag for the duo? I was going to say "Gay Lovers" tag because I think that's appropriate but maybe it's a little too confining for a sentient ape in love with a brain in a butt plug.

The Commentary!
Am I allowed to snidely ask an obviously sighted person if they're blind when they're aesthetic tastes are garbage? Probably not, right? But I am allowed to ask an obviously stupid person if they're stupid because nobody believes they're actually stupid even though, statistically speaking, most people are stupid, right? I'm including people of average intelligence in the stupid category because have you ever had a discussion with one of them? So stupid. Obviously I'm highly intelligent! But not in that "Nobody thinks they're stupid" way I meant earlier! I'm intelligent in provable ways! Like how I've...um...uh...well, I mean, I'm not ambitious or anything so my failure at life isn't proof of anything! Don't you dare think I'm stupid!

Because nobody thinks they're stupid, if you ever want to really anger somebody in an argument or a debate, just call them stupid. I can't be responsible for any violence that takes place if you dare to try this. Another way to anger somebody you're arguing with is to use one of the easily available appropriate racial epithets if they're not white (or if they're one of those ethnic whites that have a history of being trod upon, like dagos or micks) or call them a racist if they're just your average, run-of-the-mill whitey. "Racist" is about the only word you can use on whites that's equitable to a racial slur because when have they ever been, as an entire group, in a powerless situation where their humanity has been taken away by a single word (you know, excluding the dagos and the micks!)? But you call a white person racist and just watch their head explode!

Here's an offensive fact: I just now discovered that I'm a dago! I consulted Lord Google for the spelling because I might not mind sounding racist while getting a point across but I certainly don't want to look stupid by spelling something wrong! While doing so, I discovered dago refers to Italian, Spanish, and Portuguese people in the UK! Being American, I thought it was just a derogatory word for Italians. But apparently in UK English, you can catch a whole swath of swarthy foreigners in the net of your racism! Now when somebody calls me a spic, I can say, "I prefer the term 'dago'." Although then they'll just assume I'm Italian so maybe I should just punch them in the face instead.

My mother was fully Spanish although she was second generation born in America so I really only think of myself as Spanish when it comes to my heritage. More correctly, I think of myself as California Spanish. What that means is that I'm born from people who are constantly correcting people who call them Mexican or Portuguese because if there's one thing that my Spanish ancestors brought with them from Spain, it was the haughty attitude to feel better than other Hispanics based on the region from which they were born.

Can you tell I'm not really interested in reading this comic book? I should probably not judge it too harshly before reading it because Tony Bedard has taken over as writer and I remember once praising Bedard (when he was writing Blue Beetle) for being one of the few writers to set up a plot where the super villain actually had a motivation that wasn't his hatred for the hero. Might be this the first Teen Titans comic book ever to have the Teen Titans doing something heroic as opposed to something completely and utterly selfish?!

The issue begins with Lex discovering he's been memed.

The other memes Luthor scrolls down will never become memes because they're aren't clever enough. But I did laugh when, on the next page, Luthor gets his first bit of panel time with the caption: Lex Luthor. Owns Metropolis.

Luthor points out that, like Blue Falcon, he does not take offense at thoughtless words. But he points out that some villains aren't as thick-skinned as he is.

Hit the sirens! Drop the confetti! Comic book history has just been made! The Gorilla/Guerrilla pun has just been used for the millionth time! Hooray!

So apparently there's a new superhero named Metatroll93 and his super power is pissing off super villains! He'd fit right in with the Teen Titans since the only villains they fight are villains gunning for them personally. Oh how I hope Metatroll93 joins the Titans! I would have guessed it was a Titan, like Bunker or Changeling, but my assumption is that the "93" is the birth year which would make Metatroll93 too old to be a Teen Titan.

I think there's a dildo or butt plug joke on the next page:

Speaking to Mallah like he's just some dumb ape diminishes their relationship more effectively than any Internet meme!

Brain and Mallah are definitely in a gay relationship here. It's as overt as editorial probably allowed it to be without actually having a caption that says, "Brain and Monsieur Mallah. Friends and Lovers." The dialogue is only proof that they care about each other. It's the visuals that make it plain they're also in a physical relationship.

Yep. Dildo and/or butt plug.

The Teen Titans are still on the run from the law and I have to give Bedard credit. He could easily have come on board and not mentioned that the Titans have continually broken the law for their own selfish desires making them unlikeable assholes not worth my time. Actually, maybe I shouldn't give him credit at all! He had an opportunity to bridge the gap between The New 52 and Rebirth by doing whatever he wanted with these characters. He could have simply pretended they were heroic the way Marv Wolfman would do month after month without any evidence to back up his claims!

The Titans are running a training exercise where they learn that they're all really poorly trained. Except for Red Robin, of course.

Do tigers breathe fire? I don't get it.

After the Titans learn that anybody trained by Batman is five batrillion-zillion times better than any other hero, I find out why Bedard chose to continue the whole "the Titans are acting like super villains" story arc that all of the other shitty writers on this comic book stuck him with.

See? I have so little ambition, I just wanted Bedard to use a shortcut to fix the Titans. But he's chosen to turn it into an actual story! Kudos!

Let me guess! The Titans will save Metatroll93 from Brain and Mallah which will show Metatroll93 that the Teen Titans really are heroes! Then Metatroll93 will start a new meme which everybody will pick up on expressing how the Titans are heroes. And since the populace of the DC Universe is so fickle and easily manipulated, everybody will agree that the Teen Titans truly are heroic once again! Although were they truly ever? Should I have left out the "once again" bit?

My guess immediately goes off the rails because I forgot to account for New 52 Red Robin's penchant for acting selfish and being a bully. His plan is to confront Metatroll93 and convince him to use his viral powers of propaganda to make the Titans look heroic. Failing that, he and the Teen Titans will shut down Metatroll93's site so that he can't make fun of them any more. I suppose this reasoning at least gets the Teen Titans on site so that they can save Metatroll93 from Brain and Mallah. Which can then dovetail into my prediction nicely. Bedard's version has the added bonus of keeping the Titans in character, no matter how awful that character has become thanks to Pak, Pfeifer, and Lobdell.

The Titans find that Mallah and The Brain have already gotten to Metatroll93 and taken over his brain with Brotherhood of Evil gadgets. I guess they were trying to harness his meme ability for their own uses. They were probably the ones who made the Red Robin meme since it was a bit more clever than most of Metatroll93's memes. Since the Teen Titans are used to getting caught with their pants down (Red Robin's phrasing!), Mallah and The Brain succesfully ambush them and stick a mind-control gadget on the back of Wonder Girl. Now Red Robin has to beat her ass again next issue!

The Coming of the Supermen #1

This book sounds filthy.

Is this a joke comic book? Was Neal Adams purposefully hired to write a Superman comic book that reads like a low budget porn? As opposed to a high budget porn which is only a theoretical thought experiment. I'm not simply asking this question because the title causes every immature person reading comic books (i.e., all of them) to glance over at the place where their friend would be if they had one and titter like a moron. I'm asking because the Parademons invade by saying to "Hit it hard for Darkseid!" And Lois Lane, looking like she's got both of her hands halfway up inside of her, screams, "Something big is emerging from that so-called 'boom tube'". It's little turns of phrase that I might ignore if the comic book hadn't been called "The Coming of the Supermen" like when Lois asks "Did they come in ships?" and I spit fizzy water all over the comic book (because I'm a comic book reader and thus immature).

The title is spelled out with semen.

I see Tony Bedard helped with the script but didn't get a credit on the cover so maybe he decided to undermine the entire project with his filthy sex talk. Neal Adams is from a time when nobody raised an eyebrow when Batman was given a sidekick named Dick so of course he didn't notice how disgusting Bedard was making his Superman story.

Lois, dressed as if Dan Jurgens designed her outfit and did her hair, begins the story by reminding everybody how she broke the story of Superman because she's the fucking greatest. And now she's breaking a new story about more Supermen coming to Earth. It makes her so wet that she begins masturbating on camera as she reports Parademons invading the backdoor of Lex Tower (which looks like a huge cock and balls). Kalibak is leading the invasion so don't be surprised if I insert a yawn or two into my commentary as I go along.

*YAWN*

Just practicing! I'm not bored yet! I'm still sort of turned on by Lois's look as she reported Apokolips's penetration of Lex's stronghold.

Yes, Lois, yes! Rub it right out of existence, you horny bitch!

Before I get too far away from that part where I basically called Neal Adams an old man, I want to apologize. He's doing the art so there's nobody else to blame for the sexual imagery he's laying down in conjunction with the ribald dialogue. For example, the picture of Lois losing her uterus while watching things emerge from a huge tube. Another example--which I'm not scanning because I'm sure you all have a copy of this comic book beside you since you were at the comic book store and were all, "Oh look! Superman in his red underwear! Suck it, New 52!"--is when Kalibak lands and ejaculates all over Lexcorps' security guards with the power axe emerging from his crotch. It even makes the same sound as a penis ejaculating after weeks of withholding its sticky treasure: CHOOOM!

This shit is fucking filthy. Who do I write to at DC to complain about this not being written earlier?

The new Supermen arrive to fuck Kalibak (I'm guessing based on the tone of the comic book so far!). Every single one of the new Supermen look exactly like the kind of porn actor hired to do porn versions of Hollywood movies simply because they kind of, vaguely, look like the star of the original movie while also having a fat cock. Lois continues to report the action live as her vagina steams up the camera's lens.

Lois is all, "These men may be wearing Superman's uniform and delivering pizza and have huge fucking bulges but they're no Superman! Where is the King of Krypton, the Prince of Pussy Pleasing, the Master of Mutual Masturbation? Well, people at home watching this broadcast because you love the way my tits look in a suit and not for the reason you should be watching this which is because I'm the best fucking reporter this world has ever seen, Superman was last seen somewhere in the Middle East! I'd be more specific but since I'm mostly broadcasting to Americans, why confuse you all by mentioning countries you've never heard of?"

Superman is currently laughing about a puppy about to get the shit blown out of it in that Middle Eastern location that really doesn't need to be any more specific than that because the readers get what that means, right? "Middle East." It's what a certain percentage of my family members on Facebook would refer to as a "non-Christian shithole". Well, if anybody would know anything about Christian shitholes, it's them! Superman only decides to save the puppy when the puppy's boy is in danger. I know it's been said before and I really hate repeating what everybody and their no-love-from-Superman dog has said but Superman really is a dick.

Superman doesn't like to get political so he flat out lies to this kid. "Oh silly Rafi! War is everywhere and it's only because a few people want it. Huge swathes of Americans aren't constantly saying how this area should be turned into glass, no matter what you've heard or is actually true! I mean, some people don't even have a dog and you're complaining about losing everything else? Stop being such a jerk, Rafi!"

A huge demon appears to tell Superman to adopt Rafi and his dog. I think the demon might be a certain prophet but having never seen an artist's depiction of him, I can't be sure. The dog's name is Isa which is Jesus in Islam which probably means something but I'm getting distracted by possible religious themes in what is almost certainly a porn parody. Somebody else can write about the end times religious shit going down here.

You're getting a little too on the nose with your religious commentary, Adams. How about talking about the Supermen coming some more? Loads and loads more!

Superman asks the demon his name while mockingly referring to him as Mister "Messenger" so I think I was probably right about the demon being Neal Adams' depiction of Muhammad (you know, the Messenger of Allah). Rafi says of this messenger, "I know he looks scary, Superman, but he does not feel scary." If anybody else is interested in a reading of The Coming of the Supermen's religious undertones, go find some other critic that wants to sound smart. I'm getting back into all of the porn stuff as soon as Superman heads back to Metropolis. And I hope I don't get Neal Adams in trouble for suggesting that he drew a caricature of Muhammad! That's just my silly and questionably intelligent opinion.

She means they don't quite fill the red underwear.

It's nice to see that in the DC Youniverse, nobody in the media is afraid of causing widespread panic by showing people the truth of what's happening in their world. An attack by Apokolips? Oh, no big deal. That just means big ratings for Lois Lane as she somehow gets cameras on the scene showing every angle while also interviewing Lex live at the scene and using the entire event for self-promotion. I'm sure nobody in Metropolis is terrified that they're all likely to die in yet another invasion. At least this one seems centered around Lex Luthor so maybe now everybody will come out against Lex and blame him for making Metropolis unsafe.

Clark Kent leaves Rafi and Isa with Jimmy Olsen as he goes to help stop Kalibak's raid on Lex Luthor's back door. Superman chases off Kalibak and the Parademons. Before he can speak with the other Supermen, he's taken on a "journey of the mind" by his Middle Eastern Demon Friend, Mu. They head back ten thousand years into the past to spy on the ancient Egyptians. I guess this is going to be some Ancient Aliens bullshit now. Nobody has done anything vaguely pornographic for some pages now! I'm really becoming disappointed (i.e., flaccid).

In Ancient Egypt, Superman learns that the Egyptians followed a different god of which no evidence exists because fucking anthropologists must suck. His name is Yuga Khan! But that's all the demon can reveal because he has limits on what he can tell Superman. The limits make no sense because it's easier to write a mystery with a shackled guide. "I can only tell you enough to keep the reader interested but not tell you everything so you can save the world! At least not until we've raked in all the cash. That'll happen around Issue Five. People still around for Issue Five will probably stick around for Issue Six so we can over-explain the mysteries then."

The Coming of Supermen #1 Rating: 24 out of 50-something. I hate a lot of things about comic books. But one thing I sort of love about comic books is when old school writers come back and write a comic book that's more like current comic books but retain much of the old school feel. Len Wein is doing that in Swamp Thing and Neal Adams captures some of that here. It has the look and feel of a story from the Silver Age but without all of the fucked up nonsensical written-to-children craziness you might find in those older books. Okay, it's got some of that. But in a modern way that makes it less eye-rollery and more nostalgia-massagery. It gets a little silly but that's because Adams isn't taking it too seriously which is a failing of many modern superhero writers. Like the Supermen who are coming. They're played as kind of idiotic but in an innocent way and not in a way that makes them the butt of the joke (yet!). I don't think I want all of my Superman comic books to have this tone but there's definitely room for one or two like this (especially since a quarter of DC's books star Superman). Although this story takes place in the eighties, right? So that's fucking weird!

Convergence: Aquaman #2

I'm pretty good at the draw half of a face game!

Last issue, Deathblow arrived to blow death all over Aquaman's face. You have to admit that Deathblow is a creative name. Then you'd have to admit that you're an ignorant moron for believing that. Then you'd have to admit that Image nearly ruined comic books on every conceivable level. Then you'd have to admit that you're so young, you think I'm an asshole for saying how Image comics ruined the comic book market because you're judging Image based on the terrific shit they're currently publishing as opposed to the horrible offal they published in the nineties because 95% of comic book readers were fucking idiots who bought into the Wizard propaganda that the Image style was the greatest art to grace a comic book page in fifty years. Then I'd have to admit that while it was, in general, awful art (I don't have a problem admitting that part! It's the next part that I have to cop to), the old art standard deserved to be shit upon in many different ways.

While I can definitely see why fans of the Image style (which, of course, was developed at Marvel for a few years before becoming the basis for most of the lines at Image) continue to defend it as dynamic (especially compared to what "proper" artists were putting out on a regular basis), I don't know how that's the standard defense for somebody like Liefeld whose art hasn't improved in twenty years (if it has, it's barely perceptible). Pick up Rob's New 52 run on Deathstroke. Most of it looks like half-melted action figures standing in poses which he copied onto the page. Dynamic isn't within miles of that comic book. But then check out Jim Lee's stuff twenty years later. Even though I still don't care for all the lines he scribbles on every face and arm and chest and wall and dog and whatever, I can see twenty years of improvement in his work. I might not be a fan of his art but I'd also never say his art is bad.

I was always a proponent of independent comic books and creator owned titles without really being conscious of it for many years. Along with the DC books I read, I enjoyed Cerebus and Elfquest and Strangers in Paradise. So I was pro-Image in theory. But I never bought a single one of their comics because the art just didn't interest me. I suppose I could have given Spawn a chance back then but I didn't. Whatever they did wrong or right, they helped change the landscape in necessary ways. Of course they (with Wizard's help) created that whole bubble that almost destroyed the business. But it recovered and has limped along ever since. And Image? They currently publish the best titles on a monthly basis. If the big two really want to see money pour in, they need to figure out a way to make creator owned heroes as lucrative for artists as they can be for the company. Writers and artists for the Big Two are always going to keep their best ideas off the company table until they get a healthy piece of the pie. Who's going to give DC and Marvel rights to their favorite ideas when Image is just a phone call and no editorial interference away?!

Anyway, currently STAR Labs is trying to defend against Deathblow! They don't know it's Deathblow coming for them yet or else they'd all be snickering at his name.

Atlantis has a sewage system?! I thought Atlanteans just wandered around trailing big long stringy poops behind them.

I really wish I owned most of those comics from Image's early days now. Mostly so I could do commentaries on them. I'm certain they're all horrible. Doom Bunny has read parts of WildCATS #1 to me! So bad! Also, Doom Bunny owns WildCATS #1! Ha ha! He fell for the hype!

Aquaman leads the STAR Labs technicians and scientists into battle against Deathblow because Aquaman doesn't care about saving people. He could have told them all to hide under their desks but instead he gave them guns and told them to follow him into battle. To be fair, Aquaman didn't know the guy they were facing was a 90s Image character named Deathblow. He couldn't know he'd just crossed the boundary between DC Comics and Wildstorm where the death toll increases exponentially.

Deathblow can't stop with the fish jokes and the shooting bullets. He's annoying! I mean, if his fish jokes were decent, I would probably root for him. But he just says things like "fish sticks!" and "chum!" and "big fish!" and "small fry!" And he does most of it in his Narration Boxes which is a complete waste. Is he just entertaining himself? Hmm, you know what? I can respect that. That's pretty much all I'm doing here on this blog.

Finally Aquaman faces an opponent with a less creative super power than his own!

I bet Aquaman feeds him to piranhas! Would Jim Lee give the go ahead to kill Deathblow forever? I mean, he won't be forever dead, right? He'll reform after the piranha swim around for awhile trailing big long stringy Deathblow poops!

Aquaman seals himself in the lower level with Deathblow. I bet it's a big fish tank and Dane the Sea Devil will know exactly what to do! Flood it with piranha!

Aquaman does that thing where the hero fires a weapon at the bad guy (in this case, his hook) which misses the bad guy and the bad guy is all, "You suck!" But then the hero is all, "I hit exactly what I was aiming at!" And the bad guy is all, "I've never seen that move before ever!"

Aquaman punctures a coolant pipe and rolls around in the leaking water to get extra strong. Deathblow decides he should probably run away to find a secret weapon he secretly knows about.

Why would the DEO have a file on a Sea Devil?! Did the file simply read, "You can only tell them apart by their hair color. And sometimes the color goes wonky in the book and then you can't tell any of them apart at all."

Deathblow breaks into the computer system and activates an Aquaman Failsafe called Drydock. It shuts down all water systems and cranks up the heat. Aquaman is all, "Fuck you, Sea Devil!" And Sea Devil is all, "No! You!" And Deathblow is all, "Let's blow some death in here!"

I don't know. I've kind of lost interest in this comic book.

Deathblow begins counting his chickens because the eggs are everywhere. But Sea Devil is all, "Arthur! Deathblow is full of blood and blood is practically water!" And Deathblow is all, "What is he blabbing about?" And Arthur is all, "I'm going to die!" And Sea Devil is all, "Stab him in the throat and drench yourself in his blood! It'll be a crimson shower!" And Deathblow is all, "Why is he talking nonsense?" And Arthur is all, "I think I might know what he's getting at if only he'd say it more clearly!" And Sea Devil is all, "I can't say it any more clearly!" And Deathblow is all, "Gibberish? Is he speaking gibberish?" But then Aquaman flails around in frustration and accidentally stabs Deathblow in the throat and life-giving blood sprays out all across Aquaman's face! He could have also been rejuvenated by piss or semen.

Apparently the STAR Labs employees are dumber than everybody else. Twenty-one minutes later and he's still trying to piece together what happened.

Even if blood wasn't the "chemical equivalent of seawater," covering himself in blood should still have worked, right? Coolant worked and that isn't the chemical equivalent of seawater. Aquaman was going to turn on the fire sprinkler and that's not the chemical equivalent of seawater. Really, all Aquaman needs is to be shot in the face by anything! I suppose if it's wet and salty, that just makes it all the better.

Aquaman isn't sure how to kill a guy who can't be killed but in the end it doesn't matter. Telos deems Aquaman the winner and San Diego, along with the old Wildstorm Universe, becomes non-existent. Deathblow slowly fades away and is gone. I guess Gen 13 is doomed whether they beat Steel or not then?!

The earthquake hits and Aquaman marches out of STAR Labs and into Convergence #7. I guess I'll be reading that in a couple of days.

Convergence: Aquaman #2 Rating: This issue scores 4 Starfish out of 10 Octopi. The art was not my cup of tea and the characters weren't a cup or a tea or even a place mat. I think Tony Bedard was phoning in his Convergence scripts because he's usually more entertaining in the dialogue department. I am glad that Deathblow still exists in The New 52 though! And that he's black. I think. Sometimes he's black, anyway!

Divergence: Doctor Fate
"Medical student Khalid 'Kent' Nassour awakens the ancient power of Nabu, transforming him into this generation's Doctor Fate!"

Does this mean I'm going to read my first Earth-2 story on whatever Earth the Twofers eventually wind up?

The comic looks like it was drawn by a comic strip artist. And the lettering is a strange, skinny font that's completely different than I'm used to! I can't believe how the comics I grew up with are being ruined by these fontists! Nobody wanted DC to change fonts! I mean, unless they began using upper and lower case letters. That would, at the very least, help me determine if Batman is calling Dick by name or calling Dick a name.

The issue begins with a scene that feels like they're trying to emulate some of that Ms. Marvel magic! And not simply because they're Muslim! Although part of it is because they're Muslim. Although they're Egyptian, so I really didn't know when I read this scene if they were Muslim or not. They could just as easily have been Christian. Later though, Pops says, "Allah be praised." That kind of gave it away.

Their cat is named Puck! Get it?! They must like hockey!

Apparently this Khalid has nothing to do with Earth-2 Khalid. I guess it's part of DC loosening the continuity belt buckle. This one is kind of dating a woman named Shaya which sounds a lot like Shayera, right? Plus Khalid is kind of a dick even though I don't think he's supposed to be portrayed as a dick. But he runs into his cat in the rain soaked streets and tells it to find its own way home because he has to go accidentally find the Doctor Fate helmet. Lucky for him, the cat can talk and is Bast and can take care of herself. Unlucky for him, the cat is a god and he just ditched it in the rain. I hope it tortures him! I guess giving him the Doctor Fate helmet constitutes torture.

I don't know about this comic. It's going to be a bit hard to read each month when it looks like I'm reading some Comic Strip Treasury.

Convergence: Green Lantern Loves Parallax #2

This looks like my high school friend I've mentioned multiple times, Soy Rakelson.

All of the Pre-Zero Hour characters from Metropolis have been losing so far this week. But Green Lantern is up against Princess Fern and the people of Electropolis. The only way he's going to lose is if he finds another girlfriend in the freezer and breaks down from guilt. Maybe that's the key to defeating Princess Fern! Kyle can start dating her and then page Major Force to let him know he's cleared some space in the fridge.

The other way that Kyle can win this fight is if Hal Jordan distracts Princess Fern by destroying her city while she's away.

The first twenty pages probably don't even matter. Kyle, like everybody else in Pre-Zero Hour Metropolis, will surrender for the greater good. Then Parallax will freak out and begin destroying any city he can find. Maybe he'll find a version of Coast City so he can relive that triumphant moment.

Or he can come up with a stupid plan like this one.

The Prime Minister contacts Princess Fern and tells her to destroy Metropolis while its hero is distracted killing them. I knew it was a stupid plan! I wasn't just saying it was a stupid plan out of bitterness and spite that he came up with a logical plan that could actually work. Nope! I knew it would fail because it was so obviously stupid. Kyle Rayner is dumb.

Kyle figures his best bet is to try that thing where he tells Parallax that he knows Hal is in there and that, deep down, he still loves Kyle. But Parallax takes some time believing in himself because the comic book can't just be six pages long. Eventually Hal is hit with enough lightning bolts to provide him with electro-shock therapy. His mind is clearer and there's no long term damage at all! Probably!

Hal talks to Kyle instead of fighting him but ultimately comes to the realization (like everybody reading this comic book) that Kyle Rayner comes up with stupid plans and can't be trusted with the responsibility of defeating Telos. So Hal sends him back to Metropolis where he can, maybe at least, win the battle against Princess Fern.

Princess Fern doesn't know what a weasel is.

Princess Fern will never find out what a weasel is. For the first time in Multiversal Thunderdome, a city has been defeated! Parallax destroys Electropolis while Kyle is trying to stop Fern from destroying Metropolis. Telos makes an announcement that Electropolis has lost. Immediately afterward, Princess Fern and her entourage wink out of existence. That's too bad! Princess Fern was probably one person's favorite character! Ha ha! No, no. Just kidding! Nobody cares!

It's too bad for Princess Fern because Kyle was about to surrender. It's especially too bad for Princess Fern because the earthquake that means Telos is done with the game hits only moments after she's erased from all time.

Convergence: Green Lantern Loves Parallax #2 Rating: This issue rates Five Cold Ethyls out of Ten! That means I found no reasons to dislike it but I also found no reasons to enjoy it. I'm like a real comic book reviewer now! I bet in about a week, I completely forget that I've been trying to rate the comic books with a totally arbitrary system that truly means nothing to anybody whose comic book preferences aren't exactly like mine.

Divergence: Twat Lobo
"Cosmic speakeasies, intergalactic drug dens and even exotic alien women can't distract Twat Lobo from his first love: bounty hunting!"

This is why Cullen Bunn writes boring comic books that rely way too heavily on Narration Boxes. It's because he's writing all of the titles! He's on Sinestro and Lobo and Lost Army and Moon Knight and probably more comic books that I don't want to read!

How come Real Deal Lobo wasn't lurking in Pre-Zero Hour Metropolis, hunh?! He needs to come back and eat Twat Lobo's spleen!

Lobo is currently fucking the wife of the guy he's going to kill to lure the guy to him.

That is the same thing. "The way I see it, you do A, you'll get B. But if you do C, you'll get B!"

Standing there naked while the mark's wife stands naked behind him, Lobo lops the guy's head off with a knife. Blood is everywhere. It's quite the graphic panel. So this must be rated Teen Plus, right? Fuck no! It's a guy as the main character fucking some chick and decapitating a person. What's wrong with that? You have to save the Teen Plus ratings for books like Convergence: Catwoman #2 where she keeps her clothes on the entire time while flirting with Batman and then dies from a small bullet wound to the chest with just a small amount of blood.

People talk about bullshit sexist stuff all the fucking time on the internet. But the way DC Comics uses their Teen Plus Rating? That's actually sexist (even though the ratings don't mean anything). Seriously. Check it out yourself. The main reason a DC Comics will get a Teen Plus Rating is if it has a female main character who shows interest in sex. Decapitations like in Batwing and Batman and Robin? Doesn't earn a Teen Plus. Batwoman and Catwoman enjoy fucking? Teen Plus. Fuck you, DC.

Lobo blah blah blahs up the pages with Narration Boxes and then ends the story looking at his next bounty: Sinestro. I hope they kill each other.