Harley Quinn #3

I'm a huge fan of Ivy's new dildo.

The Facts!
• Previously in Harley Quinn, Harley was living with a stuffed beaver, a wiener dog, and a cock named Mike. If those three things set you to giggling, you'll love this fucking comic book.

• The issue begins with Wannabe Deadpool (who is Wannabe Deathstroke, so we're really getting into some comic book history layers here) receiving a new arm in the hospital. I didn't know that if you arrived at a hospital missing an arm, they'd just stick a new one on! I'll have to remember that!

• Vertigax, the alien who became hot dogs which turned everybody into zombies, has parents who care for him on a planet far away. They had put a tracker on their teenage son because they're busybody, micromanaging assholes. Maybe it's a good thing they did though because now they can track him to Earth and discover he's been spread out among dozens of human stomachs.

• Did you grow up in the late 70s and early 80s? Remember how they used to have days at school where they would fingerprint all of the kids just in case they went missing? I can't believe our parents fell for that shit out of fear. All the fucking cops wanted was a record of our prints so we could easily be caught when we became teenagers later and began vandalizing shit. Fucking pigs! Do they take samples of children's DNA now and pretend it's for safety reasons?

• You can get DNA samples in other ways then jerking kids off, right?!

This page takes care of all of the formulaic bits at once! Harley and Ivy being sexy and naked. Mike Cock strutting around all hard and erect. Harley's stuffed beaver turning into Eclipso. And the wiener dog licking the weed whacker. If that doesn't sound dirty, I probably should have put a little more thought into it to make it sound dirtier.

• I just remembered I forgot to buy Sheriff of Babylon #10 this week. Eep!

• Oh wait! Here's a better Mike Cock joke!

"Dammit! Mike Cock is blocking the television!" Har har har!

• Harley and Ivy shower together so I'll be stuck on those panels for awhile.

• Oh yeah. Scrub that back. Lower. Come on! Lower!

• That reminds me of a time I was lying in my friend Doom Bunny's bed the day after a party. He was lying next to me and next to him was his friend Amanda. That's her secret name because I don't want to expose her true identity or the fact that I can't actually remember her name. We were talking and I was rubbing her back with my arm over Doom Bunny. I said something about how I didn't want to rub any lower because things would get weird and Amanda said, "You can rub lower." So things got weird.

• Sorry! That's the end of the story! Actually, the end of the story was when I couldn't get my shoelaces to tie later and I said, "Please Baby Jesus! If you let me tie my shoes, I'll never ask for anything ever again!" And then they were tied! I really fucked up with my huge miracle prayer! The really scary part was that I was getting on a plane in an hour!

• Speaking of planes and flying, I used to do this thing where I would carefully check out everybody in the waiting area to make sure they looked like major characters in their lives. Because major characters don't die! You don't want to look around you and realize you're getting on a plane with background players and people who only ever get one line!

• Wannabe Deadpool wakes up from his operation to learn he was given the arm and hand of a chronic masturbator. One who did it in public even! Constantly! He totally freaks out because, I suppose, he believes the hand is gay. I mean, it did touch a lot of another guy's cock.

Like that matters! I'm right-handed and I jerk off with my left hand! Seriously! It's because when I was a teenager, I noticed my cock was getting a curve in the other direction from the frequency of my masturbation. So even though it was awkward at first, I began jerking off with my left hand. And now it's the only one I use! I mean, it's the main one I use! I totally need both to do it properly! Wink, wink! You know why I'm winking, right? Because I need to put a finger of my right hand up my ass to really do it right.

• Also, it turns out Chronic probably was right-handed and the doctor was just calming down a patient. Does that mean I exposed my way too personal history for nothing?!

• Enh. I'm sure I've told that story before!

• The Harley Crew (different from the Gang) decide to escape the area via the tunnels under the Wax Museum. This allows me to complete my Harley Quinn Bingo Card when she says, "Holee Spelunkerolee!"

• Harley's House of Leaves Exploration B Outfit is pretty cute. I'd buy the Action Figure.

• Poison Ivy smells mothballs on the way to the tunnel and I want to smell them too! So I pull out my Leather Goddesses of Phobos Scratch 'n' Sniff card and go to town!

• Nope. That's chocolate.

• Leather.

• Pizza.

• Oh! There we go! Mothballs! Ew. Gross.

• You know what? Supergirl #1 was a total rip-off because there wasn't one shot of Supergirl's Bum. There wasn't one in Supergirl Rebirth #1 either! I guess I'm going to have to drop Supergirl as my favorite butt in comics. Good thing there seems to be a replacement in this issue of Harley Quinn!

Oh yeah, Ivy. That's the stuff! Is that costume painted on?

• The door to the tunnel is the most obvious door to Hell anybody has ever seen. Which makes Harley want to go through it more than ever.

• The tunnel leads to a room full of doors. I think it might be the Hall of the Mountain King.

• The doors are just plot droppings for future plots. For now, the Harley Crew stick to the plan and go through the door that will lead them outside the radius of the Alien Zombie Hot Dog Apocalypse.

• The exit doesn't go far enough and the Harley Crew find themselves once again fighting zombies. Who's going to save them this time? Catwoman with a powerful laser pointer?

• Of course it isn't Catwoman! It's the alien's parents! They pull a transporter beam trick which yanks out all of the pieces of their son so they can put him back together. All of the creatures he was inside die in the transfer though. Oh well! The Aliens Ex Machina saved the day!

The Opinions!
So far, this series has breathed some fresh life into the way too formulaic and overused Harley Quinn. I'm enjoying it and not dreading it in the way I used to. I'm going to allow the comic book to get the credit for that this month and not my brain chemistry. But it could be my brain chemistry. Because--let's face it--I really enjoy the me part of these commentaries more than the comic book part of these commentaries.

Poison Ivy: Cycle of Life and Death #6

Guest Starring Pamela Ivy's tits!

The Review or Whatever!
There comes a time in every houseplant's life when they must venture forth into the real world and make their own way. Sometimes their leaving is a natural consequence of maturity, time, and not feeling too embarrassed to try to bring other plants home to fuck in their parent's house. And other times, plants are forced out of the house by an amoral scientist turned monstrous plant that has come round to suck out their stem cells. Get it? They're plants and they have "stem" cells! Ha ha!

Besides Pamela Ivy's tits, Swamp Thing also makes a guest appearance! Why? I don't know! He doesn't do much except tell Poison Ivy her plant children might be evil jerks. And they just might be! But that story will have to never be told because the story ends with Pam's children heading south to wreak havoc on the South. Or maybe they're in search of the Swamp Thing's fat cock. Either way, we'll never know because there's no way this book was popular enough to get a sequel. It was terribly boring. It felt like a rejected script for Murder, She Wrote. I really expected that show to be punk rock because who comes up with the title of a television show that shoves a comma in the middle of it? I don't mean shoving a comma in a title like Two Guys, A Girl and A Pizza Place! That comma isn't doing any work. But Murder, She Wrote? That comma is a fucking star.

Poison Ivy: Cycle of Life and Death #5

Kids are the worst. No wait. Parents are the worst and kids just a symptom of their worsitude.

The Review or Whatever!
Poison Ivy's plant daughters have a night on the town in a story that somehow wasn't called "Paint the Town Green"! Or the strip club anyway because the three Poison Ivy Sporelings manage to sneak out of the house to explore Gotham and wind up in a strip club. Everything you want in a female lead comic book is right here in the pages of this comic book! Hot ladies throwing their arms in the air while dancing to music! Adorable ladies screaming things are awesome because they're full of passionate intensity! A man touching a woman without her permission and getting hurt. A riot at a strip club. Police getting bested by six month old girls. And a harsh mother figure demanding that girls lock themselves up in a tower for their own safety! The only thing missing was the kissing!

I think what this issue was actually about was the anxiety of being a parent. The anxiety wasn't quite as anxious as the anxiety in Eraserhead but then that's not a fair comparison. I never wanted kids and Eraserhead made me feel super anxious for something I knew I was never going to have to deal with! Luckily for Poison Ivy, her children were not vomiting potatoes. Unluckily for Ivy, her children have grown into adults in just six months. Somehow they've matured and learned just as much as an eighteen year old would know as well. I guess they binge watched a lot of Netflix in those six months.

By the end of the issue, the girls are back in their locked tower and Ivy is being attacked by an evil scientist who has also been touched by The Green. Isn't that how it always is?! You can't just have one scientist accidentally turned into a walking plant god! You've always got to have another, more jerkier version transformed alongside you. Typical. So this guy Doctor Grimley is Poison Ivy's Floronic Man. Unless it's different somehow. He wants Ivy's daughters (or just the one he made, Thorn) and he plans on having them! I don't think he's going to be successful although I hope Ivy and her daughters get a moment to hug before the girls all die of old age while saving the world at the same time next issue.

Poison Ivy: Cycle of Life and Death #4

I have no idea what this cover has to do with the story inside except that Catwoman is indeed in this issue.

The Review!
You know how you can tell if you're a narcissist? Well, first off you're probably not reading this because you didn't know it was going to be about you. But if you happen to be reading this for some reason, like maybe you're Amy Chu and you thought your self-esteem was healthy enough to read Internet comments about your work, or you're my mother who just happened to realize her son had a somewhat popular comic book blog on the internet, then maybe you'll learn something! You are a narcissist if you've ever been upset when somebody spells your name wrong or if somebody pronounced your name incorrectly after only having read it. Your name has never been on a list of words that people were supposed to automatically know how to spell or pronounce, you asshole. Get over your fucking self and stop thinking it's cute to Instagram photos of your name spelled wrong on Starbucks cups. You know when you have a right to be upset about your name being spelled wrong? On Christmas cards from your fucking grandparents. Instagram that shit and I might give a fuck. But when you mumble your oh-so-fucking-unique name to a clerk and they wind up getting it wrong, stop acting like they're so dumb. You're the fucking genius who somehow thinks everybody should know how to spell your stupid Goddamned name. By the way, Poison Ivy was mediocre at best.

Poison Ivy #3

Poison Ivy is about to breastfeed this man.

Rating: Worth reading if you're a Poison Ivy fan. I think. I mean, obviously Poison Ivy fans are going to pick this book up. And if they love Pam, they'll mostly ignore the plot. I'd say the next issue should be fun because Poison Ivy will be working with Catwoman. But in an earlier issue, Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn hung out and it was a total cock-up. They wound up yelling at each other and deciding to take a break from their relationship. I don't think that's something Poison Ivy fans would find worth reading! It was probably infuriating! I know I hated it when DC decided to make Power Girl and The Huntress enemies in one of those horrible Earth-2 books. And what about that movie at the theaters right now? Where Batman and Superman are battling! Why are so many characters in the DC You not allowed to have a friend?!

• Poison Ivy has recently hatched a few babies from a plant. I would love to say I didn't think there was a market for this but I grew up during the Cabbage Patch Kids craze. I know this market is insatiable.

• Some other stuff was going on but I can't remember what it was because I haven't been finding this story very interesting and I haven't been keeping careful notes on the comic books I've been reading the last couple of months.

• How do you take care of a plant baby? Splash a little water on it and leave it out in the sun?

• Poison Ivy is proud of her hybrid babies instead of disgusted. I find that an odd reaction because I'm disgusted by all babies.

• The babies might not be where Poison Ivy rakes in the cash. She also developed some Plant Nannies to take care of the babies. Now those would probably sell out in minutes! Just shove your baby in a flower and leave it for the day? Who wouldn't want one?

• Poison Ivy murders the guy who's been sexually harassing her at work. Apparently you can't have a female lead in a DC Comic without having her kill or beat the shit out of some sexist pig. Pretty soon there won't be any guys left in the DC You!

• Ivy needs to get into a secret lab at her work because somebody stole her research plans. Somebody is always stealing her research! She should stop working for the man and just start her own business. Catwoman can fund her.

• Speaking of Catwoman, she arrives to help Ivy break into the lab. Too bad she pissed off Harley in a previous issue. The whole gang could have been back together.

Poison Ivy: The Cycle of Life and Death #2

This is how I get out of tickets. The Poison Ivy costume has totally paid for itself.

Rating: -1 Ranking.

There's a moment in this comic book where Poison Ivy mentions that Pitbulls are misunderstood and she hates abusers and then she kills the owner of the dogs that got out and barked loudly at her and her coworker. This might be an example of why vigilantism isn't as great as Batman claims it is. Poison Ivy assumes the dogs have been badly treated because they got out of the yard and barked at some strangers. You know, the way dogs do. Then she goes to the supposed owner's house where some dog dishes and a chain are lying in the yard. The chain may have been used on the dogs but, at this point, totally an assumption. The barrel that the chain is coming out of could be the dog's house but, again, that's an assumption. And even if it is, maybe the dog loves barrels? Maybe it's got a nice carpet and squeak toy inside?

Anyway, Poison Ivy asks the man who answers the door if the dogs are his. He says, "Those stupid mutts? What have they done now?" So she kills him. Really? I've called the cat I loved most in the world worse names than "stupid mutts" when talking about him to strangers! Affectionately! And the "What have they done now?" could be because he totally doesn't want to miss out on another cute thing they did running around the neighborhood. I mean, at most, he's guilty of being negligent about getting his chain link fence fixed. Also he's guilty of having a chain link fence.

I'd like to defend this poor, probably innocent man because who else will? Certainly not the Poison Ivy fans who were cheering when she murdered somebody based on a whole string of assumptions she made. She could have at least asked some blades of grass if the dogs were being abused! She did no detective work at all! Hell, the dogs themselves prove she was wrong based on their behavior! They ran out growling and barking and then calmed down almost immediately when leashed by a vine and called a good doggie. That doesn't seem like the kind of reaction one would get from an abused Pitbull! And don't give me that bullshit about the dog finally being treated nicely so it acted nicely. That dog would have ripped her face off if it wanted to. Just like all dogs secretly want to because they're all assholes.

But as long as Amy Chu got her message out about how Pitbulls are misunderstood! As if that message isn't constantly being repeated ad nauseum on Facebook every single day!

My cat Smaug once beat up a Chihuahua and he was totally and completely loved. Some animals are just dicks and bullies and maybe racist. I think Smaug may have been a little bit racist.

I have to admit that I was proud of him though when I heard he beat up some lady's dog.

The other parts of this comic book were parts. I may have liked them better if I wasn't soured on the Pitbulls aren't bad message knocked upside my head. Although the part where the flowers gave birth was disgusting because I was really beginning to get aroused by the budding flower and then BLORT! Babies! Ew! They're worse than dogs!

Now I wish Smaug had beaten up a toddler!

Poison Ivy: The Cycle of Life and Death #1

I know this cover is sexy because Pamela is a scientist who just took off her glasses and let her hair down.

Rating: 35 out of 52 or something.

This isn't the Poison Ivy comic book I want to read so I can't tell anybody if it was any good or not. I think it was shit but that could very well be my bias speaking. I don't need another comic book where the protagonist feels cut off and alone. I don't need another comic book with a scene where a female protagonist who murders or maims a bunch of sexist assholes. I don't need another comic book that thinks turning a couple of men into temporary homosexuals is an appropriate form of shaming. I don't need another comic book where a great friendship is sundered for the sake of...well, I don't know what it was for the sake of! I might be more interested in it if it were meaningful in some way! But since it's only really there to back up the idea that Poison Ivy just doesn't fit in, even with her best friend and lover Harley Quinn, I don't need it in my Poison Ivy comic book. I don't need another comic book with Maps Mizoguchi in it that doesn't completely focus on her. What a mistake!

My main problem is that I don't like seeing Pamela Isley turned into Swamp Thing Lite. I like the human part of her (which, really, is the main part of her. Just because she's got this connection to the Green doesn't mean she can't connect with other humans because they don't think like a cornstalk)! I suppose I could just chalk her current inability to connect to her Seasonal Affective Disorder (which was a fucking great idea, Gail!). But then what do I attribute Harley's lack of understanding and need to constantly attribute Poison Ivy's failings to her hybrid human/plant status?

At least the villain of the story is an old white man who doesn't think women can science the plants. That isn't unfortunate at all.

I'm just disappointed in a lot of choices made for this story. What a letdown.

Harley Quinn Road Trip Special #1

I hope this is more "time spent in motels" than "time spent on the road," if you get my horny meaning!

Amanda and Jimmy pump out so many of these Harley Quinn specials that I usually just treat them as a nice break from writing anything coherent. Shut up! I heard you scoffing your nerdy scoff and snidely saying, "As if anything you write is coherent!", followed by an ebullient snort of laughter!

I don't even know what words are anymore.

See, the thing it starts and then some stuff but then well here and what.

So the lollipop was all and the skirt hitched and the toes and calves were hey.

So then the plot and it's Tony and the sausage dog is back too. A road trip is planned just like the cover says! Oh, hey. I'm getting my words back! Whew. That was close.

Butts butt butt butt butts.

So Poison and Batman but then phone cats and brbble drzzl.

Flaked. Meaty Bits. Saucesations. Tasty Treasures. Rise and Shine. Savory Shreds.

Soon in Los Angeles more low cuts and high hems and towels and underpants.

Typing words here.

Mobile home or whatnot.

spork


guttural noise

Bikininininanas. Hallucinations. Oral sex.

spurt. nap.

What? Hunh? What's going on? Mmm, boobies.

Beaver jokes! The end!

Harley Quinn Road Trip Special #1 Rating: I haven't scanned this much cheesecake since Superboy #3!

Harley Quinn #19

Even though this is a continuation of Amanda and Jimmy's Popeye Fan-Fiction, I still spent $3.99 on it. What made them think a Popeye parody was what the world currently needed? I bet it was Scotch!

The entire Gang of Harleys have been kidnapped by Popeye and taken out to sea. So now Harley has teamed up with Poison Ivy, Tony, and Egg Fu to rescue them. Also, Harley's beaver seems to have made a cock friend.

Get it? His name's Mike Cock!

Harley's plan is to use the Shit Launcher to launch her over Popeye's boat and parachute in to the rescue. She's leaving her beaver behind with Poison Ivy for safe keeping.

This parody needs more Alice the Goon.

Popeye is stricken with a terrible case of e. coli from eating raw, unwashed sea spinach that was probably covered in seahorse manure. He rushes off to shit himself as Harley unties her gang. Some other stuff takes place back on the mainland but I don't think it's worth mentioning. It's not like Poison Ivy fucks anybody or anything.

Popeye returns in his skivvies bigger and stronger than ever. But just before the big fight takes place, the Harley Quinntuplets's mom comes Scatapulting out of the sky with an AK-47. That was part of the mainland stuff not worth mentioning. At least not until now when she parachutes down to save the day.

Popeye survives being riddled with bullets but it seems he's finally out of spinach and the Harleys are able to tie him up. I guess he's off to Vegetable Rehab for awhile.

During the cartoon, Harley finds out that the Harley Quinntuplets are only fourteen years old. And since she has a better sense of doing the right thing than Batman, she sends them back home with their mother.

Harley gets her next job from Sy Borgman.

I hope she teams up with Blue Devil and Black Lightning while in Los Angeles.

Harley Quinn #19 Rating: No change. Early on when I began this blog with four months worth of New 52 comic books purchased over the last week of December 2011, I was trying to do three or four entries a day to catch up. A lot of those blog entries were short summaries like this one. Once I caught up and I realized other people were reading this blog, I began to feel obligated to really flesh out the entries. But now I've realized that I when I don't have anything to really say, I can go back to the short summaries as long as I make this final thoughts review section interesting because now I'm reblogging just this final bit as well as the entire commentary! Which doesn't help this time because I filled up all of this space with nonsense when I should have been pointing out how Harley Quinn #19 is exactly what you've come to expect from Conner and Palmiotti and Hardin. If you liked previous issues, you'll like this one too. And if you didn't like previous issues, why the hell did you buy this issue? Are you a Popeye fan or something?

Justice League United #12

This is an odd cover.

The actual cover (underneath the weirdly textured blank cover that I guess I'm supposed to doodle on) is Poison Ivy piddling into Swamp Thing's skull. Her piddle is probably full of nutrients and/or mind-altering substances which will help Swamp Thing overpower the bad guy. Or Swamp Thing is just into people peeing on him. It's not weird if you're a plant. Or you're in the shower. Or you have those special sheets on your bed which your stupid friends never stopped making fun of you for having because you forgot to hide them in the closet that one time they came over after school to watch Robotech with you.

The issue begins with Justice League United and its guests running for their lives as the Red Goo Island they're on in the middle of Lake Erie begins to try to eat them. The comic book begins with these words: "A super-gross living island in the middle of Lake Erie." Which is what I just said so I probably should rework this entire paragraph. Or just start over.

Do young people today even know that "gross" means anything other than a person they hate for righteous reasons which allow the young person to be a complete asshole to, and possibly ruin the life of (if they're able) the "gross" person? I think it's "super-gross" that Jeff Parker would describe the island as "super-gross" just because it looks like a vagina.

What's so gross about it? It even still has all of its teeth!

Now I want business cards that proclaim I'm a Vaginal Dentist.

Poison Ivy, a scientist, theorizes that the island can feel the heroes running about it, as if they were mites, and so the island is generating antibodies to destroy the mites. Great theory, Jenny McCarthy! I mean, unless that's really something bodies do! It's not like you learn about mites and antibodies in Vaginal Dental School. I probably shouldn't have called Poison Ivy "Jenny McCarthy" when I can't be sure of all of the facts. Maybe I'm the Jenny McCarthy in this situation!

I feel really uncomfortable picking up and reading this comic book with its beautifully blank white canvas cover. I'm sure I'm smearing chocolate and pizza grease and testicle particulates all over it.

Etrigan uses his Hellfire to blast the "antibodies" because what else is he going to use? Logic and reason?! They're just "antibodies"! And he's just a "demon"! Although I'm not sure it's actually Etrigan because he isn't attempting to rhyme. Maybe Jeff Parker misplaced his rhyming dictionary while writing the script for this issue.

Poison Ivy soon refers to the "antibodies" as "germs" so I'm just going to go back to calling her Jenny McCarthy, if that's okay with the rest of you.

No! Your flame "burns" them! Has anybody checked on Jeff Parker lately? Has he been complaining of numbness down one side of his body in a garbled voice because half of his face isn't working? Is one pupil dilated? Can somebody give him a call?

Mera destroys the antibodies or germs or protozoa or whatever because they're 99% water. That's all the explanation anybody needs for the end of that battle unless, for some perverse reason, you don't know anything about Mera. For those people, here's a quick introduction to Mera: she's a bad-ass motherfucker (in the metaphorical sense and not the literal sense because her ass is the opposite of bad and she doesn't fuck mothers); she has red hair; she has a great ass (which can't be mentioned enough); she can control water; she sees something special in Aquaman even though 99% of the world doesn't (maybe it's his water).

Once Mera encases everybody in a super protective thin membrane of water, she and the others take a moment to grill Equinox on Justice League United's terrible plan which very nearly got them all killed by vaccines. Or whatever. Don't they realize Swamp Thing being sucked into the heart of the goo is obviously part of the plan to destroy the goo? And Poison Ivy's uselessness will turn into usefulness once she needs to pee? I guess it's harder to guess the plan when you're a character who's not allowed to see the cover of their own comic book. I'm not talking about the cover with the beer on it.

While Equinox's team learns the ins and outs of the plan (mostly outs and mostly urine), Alanna and Stargirl are busy recruiting to defeat the next Breaker threatening to destroy the whole of creation. One of the new recruits is Steel which is like yawn and snore and almost wake up but no I was just rolling over to get more comfortable. But Stargirl is recruiting Cliff Steele, Robotman, who is currently working with the Doom Patrol which totally needs its own comic book! Cliff must be the person in the next team who will be torn apart and presumed dead which will lead the others to turn on the Justice League United representative (probably Animal Man) and say, "What the fuck kind of dog and boney show is this?!" Then Animal Man will say, "No, no. It's dog and pony." And Cliff will be all, "Who the fuck goes to see a show with dogs and ponies? At least I get the connection to dogs and bones!"

Etrigan is shitting all over his ex right now. And I'm with him! How many times have I said Madame Xanadu is the biggest barn owl in the DC Youniverse?! Too many to count, that's how many!

While Etrigan was agreeing with everything I've ever said about using prophecy as the plot for comic books and which I also mentioned last commentary as the only potential bad thing about Parker's new take on Justice League United, Poison Ivy "watered" the island.

Etrigan gives everybody a quick Latin lesson that is only barely quick enough to let everybody know the island is about to fly. Which it does immediately after Etrigan says the word "fly." Also, everybody else understood that was what was happening when Swamp Thing mentioned it was gathering methane like five minutes ago. But thanks for the fun lesson, Etrigan! I enjoyed it!

Now that the island is full of methane, the plan is for Etrigan to prove he's just a one-trick boney and spit hellfire into it. Mera will encase the team in another protective layer of water because if there's one thing that protects against violent explosions, it's a bubble.

I mean, it might really be a bubble! I'm Jenny McCarthy, remember? I majored in literature and most of that literature wasn't science text books. So I don't know for sure what causes an explosion but I can tell you about that time in Bleak House when the fat guy with the birds spontaneously combusted.

Actually, that's as much as I can tell you because I'm not good at remembering details. Although I think maybe the document that solved the court case of Person's Name versus Same Person's Name was being used to line the bird cage or something.

Crap. That describes me exactly! Tumblr was right! I am gross!

As Equinox and Etrigan prepare to Mythbuster the shit out of this island, Poison Ivy regains her senses after channeling Swamp Thing. Mera points out she was mumbling something about Batman's cock while she was out of it. That's probably the number one thing muttered about in the DC Youniverse when characters are semi-conscious.

Etrigan does a little bit of rhyming at the end because either he likes to make a huge statement or Jeff Parker found his rhyming dictionary. It probably got mixed into his goat porn.

The only problem with Adam Strange's mission plans is that they will always have a cost. This time it's Swamp Thing.

Next time it will be poor Cliff Steele. It's always Cliff Steele! He'll probably wind up being nothing more than memories on an MP3 by the time the next story is over.

Now that Mera knows what kind of price must be paid for engaging in a Justice League Untitled mission, she'll probably volunteer Aquaman for the next job.

Now that one Breaker has been defeated, it's time for the members of the next mission! We already have Steel and Cliff Steele, so who's next? Who else has "Steel" in their name? Commander Steel! Also Batgirl. In the scene with Batgirl, she calls Blockbuster a hipster and points out how he was "smashing this cafe before it was cool." So obviously, Batgirl is the real hipster! Nothing defines a hipster better than pointing out all of the other hipsters! Except when I'm pointing them out! "I'm definitely no hipster," I say while twirling my meticulously waxed mustache and feeling really uncomfortable in my new pants that I can't pull up past my ass crack although my Mr. Bubble t-shirt is super comfy! Now where did I put my fake glasses? Oh yeah! I left them in my swank messenger bag.

Justice League United #12 Rating: +3 Ranking. Jeff Parker has swooped in like a vampire descending upon a virgin and saved this book! I am not the virgin in that analogy and also that analogy is not very good because I don't think vampires are technically into saving virgins. I think they spend virgins as soon as they find them until they're completely in virgin debt up to their guy balls. I have nothing against Jeff Lemire except his initial run on Justice League Unfathomable which I saw as an affront to comic books and a personal assault on my way of life (which is a life where I don't have to read time travel stories about a person coming from the future to change the past to ensure that the future from which the person came from continues to exist in the future). I'm not angry at Jeff Lemire for that huge mistake, so I'll stop griping about how much it irked me. Instead, let me point out how Jeff Parker has come up with a concept that I adore! The Justice League Unconscionable are actually keeping the world safe and they've found a way to pull in a bunch of guest stars every few issues! I'm slowly falling in love with this comic book and I hope that one day it will let me put my penis inside of it.

Harley Quinn #16

Everybody in the whole cell block was doing something that's too vulgar to type that rhymes with "block"!

Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy have decided to take in a movie. Harley Quinn lies to Pamela and tries to tell her that Mad Max was "sooo cool." No! Wrong! Mad Max was boring shit with a sort of interesting idea that led to two of the greatest movie sequels to ever be made! But Mad Max was a boring piece of shit! If you're currently arguing with me, then you're probably only remembering the five or six minutes of Mad Max that weren't a total snorefest!

Even for its time it wasn't amazing! But she did say "in the first film," so I'm going to assume that she's just mentioning the first movie to set up her description of the beauty that was The Road Warrior and the orgy of action sadness and Tina Turner's chainmail tits that was Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome!

More important than telling everybody that they're wrong in their opinions if they thought Mad Max was a decent film is this conundrum: How the fuck did Harley and Pamela get tickets to see a screening of the new Road Warrior movie!? Do movies come out sooner in the DC Universe? Because this is the first time that I've ever wanted to truly be a comic book character! Let me see the movie now!

Harley and Pamela walk out of the movies because Harley needs to take a breath after not beating somebody's ass because they told her to shut the fuck up. Good for Harley! Fucking loud ass movie assholes. I mean she was being one of those so it would have been wrong for her to pretend that the people asking her to be quiet were being the dicks. They decide to duck into the DC version of Fifty Shades of Grey.

I'm pretty sure it's coming from the lap of the blond lady on the end of the aisle.

I don't get why anybody chose to go see Fifty Shades of Grey. Wasn't the allure of the novel that it had graphic sex scenes? So shouldn't the movie have been pornographic? Not the typical porn that the porn industry produces, of course. That's all built on the male gaze. This movie should have been a porn for females. Not a titillating Rated-R movie about two people who fuck and stuff. Not erotica. Just plain old porn! Was the movie porn? I have no idea!

Actually, since I know pretty much nothing about the book or the movie, I'll just shut up about it and move on.

Everybody clears the theater when one of the women's vibrators explodes, so Harley and Pam head off to get something to eat.

I hope it's a gang like the Warriors! Then they can all wear clown paint and drive around in a tiny clown car and have weapons like a bucket full of confetti and razorblades or cream pies full of nitroglycerin or seltzer bottles that shoot bullets!

Harley explains how she's going to buy another building nearby her current building. It will be the headquarters for her gang of Harley riding sexpots! And the name of the building (which was an old hotel) is The Dreamin' Seaman because Amanda Conner and Jimmy Palmiotti have the sense of humor of four eighth grade boys.

Pamela goes back to Gotham because she has to file a long overdue rape report on Clayface but she promises to come back in a week to see how badly Harley has fucked everything up and to hear Harley make a joke about washing her beaver.

And then it's time for Harley to interview her prospective assistants! I bet she hires all the women that were spotlighted last issue! And maybe a few more!

A bunch of candidates answer questions in totally hilarious ways for a few pages. One is like "I'm blind and in a wheelchair and I can smell your beaver!" And another one is all "I hate ghosts!" And another one is five girls. And another one is all "I'm a gay man and not a woman!" And another one is "I'm the super cute girl with the chopsticks in the hair from last issue so you know you're going to hire me!" And one is all "I'm the super cute Indian girl from last issue so I'll be hired too!" And one of them is all "I'm the big strappin' black lady who loves to flip people off and look super cute so I'll be hired too!" And one of them is all "I hate clowns and kill babies!" And one of them is all "I'm stuck up!" And one of them is all "ROCK AND ROLL, BITCHES!" And one of them is all "Kids are sucking my tits during the interview. Ha!" And one of them is all "I'm Syborg's niece! Tee hee!" And one of them is all "I'm pregnant Gail Simone!" And one of them is all "I can lick my own asshole!" And one of them is all "I do podcasts where I podcast and I have like so many downloads and likes and reblogs and shizzlenit!" And the last one is all "I have sores all over my body and am obsessed with death!" Woo-ee! It's gonna be tough to pick just twelve of these ladies!

And that's why Harley is going to turn off the lights and make them fight to the death for the job! Or near-death, more probably.

There's the beaver joke! Pam is going to be sorry she missed it.

When the lights go out, the Letterer John J. Hill makes an appearance to whine about how hard his job is. I might be sympathetic to his plight but on the page where the lights go out and he letters all of the Batman Fight Sound Effects for the unseen battle, he adds "FONDLE!" That's just going too far. I'll accept chaos and violence and endless murder and mayhem! But to suggest that one of these women took advantage of one of the other women when the lights were out?! That's just too much. Offense taken, sir. OFFENSE. TAKEN.

I wonder who fondled who's what? Tee hee! Maybe the blind girl accidentally groped a gay guy's nutsack.

When Harley turns the lights back on, every woman still standing gets a job! Even the gay guy!

The blind woman wasn't "still standing" at the end of the fight because she's sitting in her wheelchair but Harley hires her anyway or else she's going to face a lawsuit. And I bet Matt Murdock represents this woman. Not because she's blind and he's blind! Because he's the best Goddamned lawyer in New York! After She-hulk! Also I don't think he practices law in New York anymore. So she's probably represented by She-hulk.

Are any of DC's characters lawyers? I can't think of any! That makes me a bad comic book fan!

And here they are! Your 2015 New York Harleys!

Harley Quinn #16 Rating: +1 Ranking. The art is always terrific and the whimsy is always whimsical. If I were smarter, I would wax philosophical about Harley's life in this closing paragraph but I'm no good at philosophy and I used all of my sex wax on my board earlier this morning. I guess I could leave you with a Jerry Seinfeldian observation? What's the deal with French fries? They're neither French nor fried. Hmm, I think that joke needs a little more work. I hope I didn't offend anybody by it! But I've got to workshop my humor somewhere! Please be kind in your criticisms.

Secret Origins #10

Batgirl
Batgirl's origin was that she saw The Music Man and was all, "Yeah! Girls can do anything boys can do better! I'll show that Batman!" Then she drove around Gotham on her moped fighting crime. Robin saw her one night and was all, "Batman! Batman! We have to train that red headed girl so that she doesn't get hurt and also because I have no confidence and am not willing to ask her out like a normal person so I'll get to know her by sparring with her!" And Batman was all, "Yeah, okay, whatever."

I think I totally nailed the essence of Batman's character in my guess about Batgirl's origin. And it is a guess because I have no idea what her origin really was. I'm sure it involved a motorcycle though! And a burning desire to prove that a girl can be a hero as well. And maybe a little rebelliousness because she was tired of being the straight laced daughter of the Commissioner. And if women are anything like men (I'm willing to bet they are, contrary to what the media tells me!), she was probably mostly doing it to score cocks. I mean "cocks" as in the opposite of "chicks" and not "cocks" as in the opposite of "pussies". I mean "pussies" as in "vaginas" and not "pussies" as in "cats" because you might think since I was talking about cocks, I might bring cats into it. And by "cocks," I meant "roosters"!

I'm confused. You know what? Let's move on!

Is this one of those activity books where I'm supposed to draw in the naughty bits?

I think I got most of that right.

I might have gotten the crotch of the woman wrong because I was assuming women have hair there but then I saw this year's cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue and now I'm not so sure.

Hell, I'm not sure there's any room left down there for anything! Are female mannequins actually anatomically correct? What does the pee come out of?!

I'd like to point out that the above picture is not, technically, pornography. It's right there on the cover of Sports Illustrated for everybody to see. So, ladies, the next time you're in a checkout line in the grocery store with this magazine on the rack and at least one man in the same line as you, realize that you are in the presence of a semi-erect penis.

Batgirl's secret origin begins with her in one of those medical tubes that scans your body. I don't have time to ask Lord Google what it's called! You know what I'm talking about! It's got magnetic in the name so I know Babs isn't wearing a bra in the following scene where she and her father are talking to the doctor. I guess Jim's glasses are all plastic.

Babs is being scanned to check out the damage to her spine so this is a few years earlier. I hope it's not too many years earlier since she's only just turned twenty-one and now I'm feeling weird about having painted six nipples onto her underage body!

Aha. So this must be the explanation as to how her mind was able to be scanned and copied and turned into some A.I. nemesis!

Barbara meets Frankie in the hospital, so they've known each other for some time now. I was under the assumption that she just found the apartment on gotham.craigslist.org.

Barbara remembers that story from Batgirl #0 where she donned some police kevlar made up to look like a Batman suit to save her soon-to-be-a-serial-killer brother from some thugs raiding the Gotham Police Department. And then she beat the crap out of this huge guy, after which Batman walked in and caught her making muscles and yelling, "Who just got owned, bitch?!" So that's how she got the idea to become Batgirl. I totally forgot about that origin!

Pretty soon the Narrator, who claimed to be Batgirl even though it's been in computerized font, begins to see images from Gail Simone's run of Batgirl and Duane Swierczynski's run of Birds of Prey which it doesn't recognize.

This isn't Batgirl's origin at all! It's the origin of Batgirl's thesis!

Batgirl Secret Origin Rating: +2 Ranking. This was pretty clever. We've already had Batgirl's origin (even if I'd forgotten it! That was like two and a half years ago!) but this was a cute way to remind everybody of it while also delving into other parts of her life that have been left pretty vague. It's also a nice look at her time as New 52 "Oracle." While that character never really existed, we get Barbara writing a computer program that uses her abilities to ferret out crime. Sounds an awful lot like Oracle to me. But now her criminology thesis has gone AWOL, become sentient, and has decided to take her down because she's an imposter. It's even been calling her boyfriend and engaging in art projects! After Batgirl defeats it, will she imprison it in a computer in Belle Reve where it will eventually work with the Suicide Squad?

Firestorm
Oh boy! A Firestorm romance story! It's been too long since I've read about Ronnie and Jason's boners for each other. I bet this origin story will be about how Jason developed a crush on the high school quarterback, Ronnie Raymond. But Ronnie knew, high school being a hive of scum and villainy, the other guys would give him the business if they knew he was gay. So he had to pretend not to like Jason. He pretended so hard that he even believed it was true that he didn't like Jason. This caused a lot of conflict and missed connections. But then they did it and boom! Firestorm! But Ronnie still pretends that they don't do it. He only rubs pee-pees with Jason for justice, not for sexy good time feelings.

Well, not exactly!

Poor Tonya. All that delicious man-meat around her and none of it trying to find its way between her legs or into her mouth. You can tell she's sexually frustrated from the YouTube video she's making. "Blow you." "Two dudes." "Always had a chance." "Plenty of notice." Tonya needs it bad!

"Yeah, mom. That dog's dick was delicious!"

"I'd give my left arm if I could watch it all the time!"

Well, not exactly!

Tonya is trying to paint this picture of two guys that were complete opposites because everybody knows how opposites attract! And how they complete each other! And how they do anal!

Eventually, Ronnie and Jason each turned into a different version of Firestorm. They were complete opposites! One was red and yellow while the other was yellow and red! One had the insignia on his right side and the other on his left side! It was so adorable. You could just tell at that moment they were created that they had been made for each other!

Tonya describes their triumphs and travails as they battled people like Pozhar and Multiplex to eventually catch the eye of the Justice League. She's making the recording for posterity. Or for a super villain to find and exploit! That reason for the video would be more exciting. But mostly, she's making it for her friends.

Aw! These two!

Firestorm Origin Story Rating: +1 Ranking. This origin story could have been a little bit better if we'd learned more about Ronnie's racist mother or how Jason's father regained his left arm! I guess those will just have to remain intriguing mysteries to be delved into when Firestorm eventually gets his own series again.

Poison Ivy
Preboot Poison Ivy's origin story had something to do with having sex with a college professor who then broke her heart and deserved to be fed to a gigantic Venus Fly Trap. Or something. I spent too much time on the other two origins so I'm running out of steam here! That was the best I could do.

Oh! But I do remember that in The New 52, her mother was abused by her father so she killed him and buried him in the garden. She also may have been abused.

This issue seems to be a Christy Marx anti-fan fiction about Monsanto.

Go get 'em, Pam!

This is one of the reasons we know our legal system is corrupt and functions best for those who have the money to keep the gears greased: Monsanto has been able to sue small farmers for theft when their soybean crops have been corrupted by Monsanto's genetically engineered crops. For the life of me, I've never understood how that lawsuit isn't the reverse. How do the farmers not have a case against Monsanto for ruining their crops? The small farmers don't want Monsanto's bullshit crops. And especially if it's an organic farm! Their entire company is ruined if they're tainted by genetically modified soybeans! How is that not a suit against Monsanto for damage done to their business and reputation? Logically, it drives me nuts. But I already answered those questions previously with that whole thing about money driving the legal system. If you have enough, you can sue for any fucking thing in the world, even if you know you won't win. If you've got enough, you just keep dragging your feet until your opponent's lawyer's fees drive them out of the case. America! Fuck yeah!

Poison Ivy makes her way to the CEO of Descanto where she kisses him which, as we all know, now means he's under her control. She asks him to drop the lawsuit and pay the organic farmer reparations. Now that's what should be happening! Then she tells him her origin story because why not? Well, I know why not! If she doesn't then she's blemishing the title of this comic book!

Okay, so I can't remember shit very well.

Poison Ivy goes on to get a doctorate in Sexy Mind Control which leads to a job at Wayne Enterprises. Just her luck, the CEO of that company is the only person in Gotham immune to Sexy Mind Control! So she loses that job and is covered in her secret serum sauce as security manhandles her out of the building. Then she began fucking a sexy clown and running around with a group called The Birds of Prey even though Poison Ivy isn't any kind of bird that I've ever heard of. I mean, bats aren't birds either but at least that's closer. And I guess Katanas are something totally different as well. I guess the group was just named that because the members were birds (you know, girls! Chicks! Females even!) and/or had bird themes (like Condom! I mean Condor!).

The only problem with this story is that it's fiction. Where's our real life Poison Ivy to stick it to Monsanto?!

Poison Ivy Secret Origin Rating: +1 Ranking. Most of this was already covered in Poison Ivy #1 but it was informative in other ways that made it worth reading! Christy Marx hits all the good points about what makes genetically modified crops, and the business surrounding them, bad ideas for humans and the world. I'm not staunchly against genetically modified organisms! But I'm definitely against irresponsibility when it comes to creating and using them. Creating seeds that can sprout but cannot create new seeds which can sprout themselves, and then putting these seeds out into the world where they can cross-pollinate with other plants resulting in more infertile and dead end plants is simply insane. But perhaps genetically modified crops can be used to correct some of the mono-culture mistakes we've made in the past. Perhaps. It's also possible that creating new crops of species that used to have many varied types but were farmed by us into one plant could be like introducing foxes into Australia to cure the rabbit problem. Now I think we really need a Poison Ivy to fix our world!