Justice League Dark #25

This looks almost exactly like my first sexual experience.

I guess Forever Evil: Blight is now well and truly under way even though it isn't mentioned anywhere on the cover. I only know this is the second installment because of the advert in Red Lanterns #25 that informed me of this huge crossover that won't be done until March. As long as most of the issues don't just seem like filler, I'm good with a crossover. I mean, you have to do something with all those long stretches of time before death.

Last issue, Constantine, The Nightmare Nurse, The House of Mystery, and Chia Swamp Thing had summoned Pandora, The Phantom Stranger, and The Question to the Rock of Eternity. I think this is Justice League Dark's first recruitment drive. It's like those issues of Justice League when all the heroes gather aboard the Watchtower to be judged worthy by Superman and Batman and Wonder Woman. I think I'd do well in an interview with Batman because I'm equal parts grim and sassy but I don't think I'd cut Superman's mustard. I can't even imagine what Wonder Woman would expect out of me. Hug a murderer? Put a small animal out of its misery? Discuss the dynamic between power and gender in Austen's Pride and Prejudice?

Upon opening up the comic book, it looks like I've gotten ahead of myself. The Rock of Eternity Recruitment Drive probably gets set up later in this issue since Justice League Dark #24 ended with Constantine and The Nightmare Nurse and Chia Swamp Thing and The House of Mystery just beginning to formulate a plan to save the rest of Justice League Dark. It looks like the real Swamp Thing is going to take some offense at Chia Swamp Thing being on the team and make an abrupt appearance. Which is good since he's one of the heroes Constantine is trying to locate.

There are a couple of things wrong here what with the "it's" having an apostrophe and the fact that John calls her an it right after being told how she identifies. But that's not what I want to talk about after this caption.

The British have done a lot of stuff that I truly admire and often incorporate into my being. But fuck howdy, this rhyming slang is truly the most awful thing I've ever encountered. John uses a good example here why it's so awful. Just from context, you might have gathered that he's referring to breasts when he says "bristols." Bristols is, of course, rhyming slang for titties. Oh, you're confused? That's because rhyming slang tries to be some kind of secret code. So the rhyming slang of titties is actually "Bristol Cities." But then rhyming slang drops the actual rhyming part and you're left with "bristol" or "bristols." Because rhyming slang is a kind of code for those in the know and to keep others apart. But, and this is why it's so terrible, you can almost always figure out what the fuck a person is talking about from context. Although you won't have any fucking idea why they're using the word they're using for the rhyming slang! I'm absolutely sure that I'm being insensitive to some cultural reason as to why it evolved the way it did but I don't fucking care! It's stupid. And I'm just glad that I very rarely run into it. Actually, it's probably truer to say I have no fucking idea when I run into it and often just walk away confused whenever I hear it!

After spouting off about being culturally insensitive, I decided to read up on rhyming slang. Sure, I only read the Wikipedia entry but it was actually really interesting and helpful! Especially learning that "berk" is rhyming slang for "cunt!" I had an online friend from Australia that went by the name of "Berk" (This is her at the bottom of the page with the candle)! I wish I hadn't lost contact with her so that I can tell her I finally get it! The page was also informative in teaching me the slang terms I knew but didn't realize they came from rhyming slang. Just as I said earlier in that I've probably encountered it and just didn't have a fucking clue because the final word is so obfuscated from the creation of itself.

While I might think it's fairly ridiculous, it's definitely not an uninteresting aspect of the games people play with language. And by "not uninteresting," I actually mean kind of amazingly fascinating.

As John lets The Nightmare Nurse know that Swamp Thing is not going to sit by and allow himself to be duplicated, Chia Swamp Thing gives birth.

I'm fairly certain that plants don't actually give birth like this so you're not actually looking at what you think you're looking at.

The Swamp Thing agrees to help Constantine and the Nightmare Nurse because The John ("John Constantine" = "The Green"!) is a trifle miffed about the sun having been blotted out. Even though it's only blotted out in very small areas. Maybe by this time, Ultraman has moved the moon closer to the Earth so the darkness covers more ground!

John, Swamp Thing, and Nightmare Nurse begin casting some spells to locate Zatanna and the lost members of the Justice Leagues. But some kind of dark magic full of mutated spells is blocking their attempts.

I'm fairly certain that plants don't actually have the same physiology as people, so you're not actually looking at what you think you're looking at.

The mutated spells try to infect John's mind so he needs to drink a homeopathic brew that the Nightmare Nurse gives him. So, you know, she gives him a glass of water. All better!

John comes up with a plan to save Zatanna and defeat the Crime Syndicate: they must kill evil! Which, technically speaking, means they have to travel into Mankind's Collective Unconscious and battle symbols and archetypes! I hope they know which ones represent evil because that place can get confusing. I think as long as they defeat all the monkeys they find, they'll be good to go.

Meanwhile at the bottom of the ocean, The Sea King (The Crime Syndicate's version of Aquaman. Unless his name was something different) comes back to life. He doesn't remember who he is which would be a great relief to him if he could only remember who he was. Now he gets to start over! Remake himself! No longer be the chump of the Crime Syndicate! He will find respect on this new world! He will never be laughed at again! And he will go by the name...Aquaman!

In the Collective Unconscious, John, Swampy, and Asa discover The Blight. But it's too powerful and it knows them too well since it is, you know, a part of them. So the Mini-Justice League Dark decide to make a run for it. It looks like they're going to have to try something else. I suggest they go see Mad Hettie for some clues!

Back in San Francisco, Cassandra Craft is kidnapped by a bunch of demons and taken back to Thaumaton to take part in The Project. That's as clear as I can make it! Oh, and she's blind! And her boyfriend, Liam, is left unconscious on the floor. What is it all about? I don't know! Stop asking questions that can't be answered yet!

Returning from their trip cut short, The Mini-Justice League Dark decide to find another way to battle The Blight. John decides to get naked, sacrifice some goats, and summon up The Trinity of Sin. Supposedly, they're experts at evil. But really, they're just more goats lying on the floor with their throats cut. What the fuck have they really done that's evil? They might be experts on spending centuries punished unjustly. And they might be quite knowledgeable on cloaks and trench coats. But I think there were probably some far better choices if you wanted people that really understood evil. Like maybe Trigon?

Justice League Dark #25 Rating: No change. I think I prefer a Justice League Dark without Zatanna. I definitely prefer a Justice League Dark without Madame Xanadu. Although I think they need to add either Etrigan or Black Orchid to the team. Oh fuck it. Why not both?