Friday, December 13, 2013

Superman #25

Is this cover blurb, "My enemy, my father," supposed to be shocking? Isn't this the case in everyone's life?

Before reading this, I got a notion to search the Scott Lobdell tag on Tumblr. And after reading a bunch of that stuff, I'd like to clarify something: I do not dislike Scott Lobdell's writing because of how he changed the characters. I don't care how much he changed any of them because The New 52 was supposed to be a Reboot. Shit changes. Whatever. They're definitely not the same characters people loved before the Reboot, but that's kind of the whole point of a Reboot, right? The reason I dislike Scott Lobdell's writing is because it's awful. Even if he was trying his best to write the same characters everybody loved, he'd fail because he has no idea what he's doing. To him, a character's history doesn't fucking matter because all plots derive from future events and time travel. Characters have no motivations built on their history and their experience because they simply react to some future entity coming out of nowhere to fuck with them. Or they have to stop somebody from going into the past and making the world into a dystopian nightmare where heroes are hated and hunted down by gigantic purple and pink robots called Sentimentals.

I just wanted to make that clear so nobody thinks I'm criticizing Scott Lobdell from a place of fan outrage. I never fucking liked Tim Drake anyway. I barely read any Superman comic books (at least not for Superman! I collected DC Presents for the guest stars!). And I've always thought Speedy was a jerk. Although now he's annoying and obnoxious as well. If Scott Lobdell were writing these characters well, I wouldn't be complaining. He might even win over some people who still wouldn't like that Jason Todd's character has changed so much, but are genuinely intrigued by the good writing and new circumstances surrounding the character. But that isn't happening because everything Scott Lobdell touches is actually pretty fucking horrible. I suppose if you're a thirteen year old boy who just wants to see lots of brain-dead action, he might be writing some fantastic books. At thirteen, I would not have been enjoying them but I'm sure some kids do.

Lastly, I actually hope, every single issue by Lobdell, that he writes something wonderful and intriguing. I'm on his side because I want to read good stories! It's just after two years with maybe only four or five well-written scenes under his belt, hope is kind of dead. Just like Superboy is about to be!

But Superboy and Supergirl and Superman are just trying to kill the planet too! So they should all just team up to get the job done!

As if there wasn't enough time travel nonsense happening what with The Super Family spread out across the past and H'el suddenly able to travel through time at will, Future Jor-el shows up from a future Krypton that survived. I guess he's come back to save the planet which he must do because, well, he's here! But Superman has to make sure the planet is destroyed which he must do because Oracle says it has to happen or the universe...excuse me...the Omniverse will perish. I guess this is why father and son are enemies on the cover! I mean, I know that's why their enemies. It was fucking obvious even to an Initiate Comic Book Reader like myself that that was what the cover was hinting at.

Can bashing readers over the head with the obvious be considered "hinting?"

Oh but wait! This is why I'm only an Initiate: they aren't enemies at all! Unless Superman, knowing full well that saving the planet will mean the planet's destruction with everything else, decides Krypton should be saved! No, no. Even Lobdell wouldn't write that story and make Superman look like a huge, selfish douchebag.

Back in the past, H'el turns into confetti in front of Superboy and Supergirl (in two different times!) and disappears from comic books forever!

Ha ha, no, no. He'll be back! In some other future crisis time travel caper! Just you wait and see! Maybe he'll join up with Harvest and they'll go on a Time Travel Buddy Road Trip. That would be a great series!

Actually, he comes back much sooner. For some reason, I was really, really hoping that this comic book was over early and the rest of the pages were just advertisements. H'el now appears in Kal-el's time because, as his father the Omnigenius determined, this is the exact place and time that H'el must always be no matter which time line they are in! Holy shit, he's just the most amazing Chronomathmatecian ever!

Oh Superman. Stop being so righteous! Stop being! At least Scott Lobdell nailed Superman's Holier-than-thou-ness!

Superman declares there is always another way because he's read The Lord of the Rings and he knows that you can't kill the pathetic loser because you think the pathetic loser should be killed! You have to let him live because of some bullshit mumbo jumbo about not being able to bring back those that deserve to live or some such wizardly nonsense. But Superman knows that if he lets H'el live, H'el will be the one to dance around and fall into the lava at the heart of Krypton, thus ensuring its demise!

Superman's next line is, "What kind of universe is worth saving if it's saved through murder?" Really, asshole? You'd rather let everybody in existence die to save this one assH'el? I think General Lane was right! You are a murderer just by lack of action! What a superdick.

Except I'm sure it will all work out and you're making the right decision, Clark. I trust you and your goody two-shoes heart!

You mean Kryptonian.

Hey! Where are those weird little jelly creatures that nearly killed Jor-el the last time he was sent into the middle of Krypton back in Superman #0?! I'd guess that they were what eventually becomes H'el but they attacked younger Jor-el earlier that day while H'el wasn't yet deconstructed. But H'el can time travel, so maybe his deconstituted bits can time travel too!

When Superboy comes out of hiding to tell Alura that she needs to say goodbye to her daughter, I realize how Krypton Returns was probably supposed to happen much earlier with the H'el on Earth story. I bet instead of sending just H'el back in time, all the Supers were supposed to go back. But editorial probably said the Supers couldn't be involved in a time travel story just yet, so you'll have to delay the second half of the story and have Oracle make the stupidest entrance and quickest exit ever by having nothing to fucking do in the "H'el on Earth" story arc. But Scott Lobdell is definitely an Editor's best friend and I'd have to say if that was the plan, he actually did a decent job not having to throw the last half of his story out (which was already foreshadowed in the Zero Issues anyway) and getting his stupid Krypton Returns story back on track. Not that I like the story any. I just think he's probably the master of working with editors because he barely cares if his stories are coherent. So he never has to waste a story idea if it doesn't fit in with any other books because he'll just wedge it in somewhere else later.

So then Superboy helps to throw Argo City into space because, of course, Zor-el fucked up his calculations because he's a shitty scientist and in no way the equal of Jor-el. After Superboy saves all those people (at least until they die in space because, once again, Zor-el isn't really very good at the sciencing), he loses his powers and dies exactly as he lived:

In a Lobdelled Splash Page.

Anyway, we already knew you weren't a living weapon! You were a storage space for Jon-el's spare parts!

Superman beats H'el into Chronal Strips and then freezes him in some kind of perpetual time loop that will keep Krypton from being destroyed. Or saved. Or something. So those things in the core probably were H'el! Somehow. And Superman and Supergirl head back to the present without Superboy. They look around and go, "Oh shit. Well, he helped. Good job, deadie." Then they go back to Earth. But then Krypton returns for an instant! Or not an instant! Or an instant and then not an instant and then another instant and then not or whatever. The end!

Superman #25 Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue was as good as it possibly could be for being a stupid piece of shit. How about Superman refusing to kill H'el to save the same universe that he risks to keep Krypton alive! That's a pretty major risk to take on a stupid theory you just thought up while beating H'el in the face! "Oh, if I can keep him here in some way that I don't really understand but if I say 'Chronal strands' and 'perpetual loop' it all kind of makes sense and I bet it will keep the Time Tsunamis from destroying the world!" spits Superman right in the dying face of his father from a future that never happens because H'el never made it past this point in time to drop some dandruff on the steps of the Capitol building for Jor-el to analyze and figure out everything he needed to figure out to find this point in time! I'm mostly impressed by the fact that this story was probably supposed to take place well before a year after H'el on Earth but it still managed to happen more or less intact. And it probably worked better occurring after H'el #1 from Villains Month. I just hope Scott Lobdell is done with fucking poorly thought out time travel stories now. Please. Please. Build up some stories using the character's motivations instead of interference from future or omniscient sources that stop by and say, "Hey! Dude! You need to do this or Omnithing dies." Fuck, even the Psi-Wars began that way with Orion getting the prophecy from Highfather.


  1. Perfect, this is the same Fing Retard that killed Colossus in Marvel. He's a no talent hack that got in early, jumped ship whenever his life was threatened, took credit for everyone else's work that was atcually good on the comics he destroyed, and so much more. F this guy 12 ways from Sunday with a non-lubed chainsaw.

  2. Oh my,you are such an ass.