Legends of Tomorrow #6: Metal Men!

I really don't care about the Metal Men part of this comic book.

Could it be true? Could it be that we...were too free?! Before I get on with my point, let me just start by saying I'm not suggesting we should corral stupid people and butcher them for their meat! I mean, that's probably going too far. But maybe we should consider demoting them to the level of urban wildlife, on par with squirrels, raccoons, and opossum? If a stupid person tries to make conversation with me in public, shouldn't I be allowed to swat them away with a broom while yelling, "Shoo! Shoo!" or "Oh my god it probably has rabies!"? I don't know how we can test the intelligence of everybody in the country to see who gets what rights but I think I have an idea! We seem to be okay with enacting laws that make it more difficult to vote, right? So how about each ballot comes inside a puzzle box that must be solved before the vote can be cast! This will limit the amount of dumb people who get to ruin a pretty good system. It might also accidentally send a few people to hell but I think Americans have shown that they'd totally be okay with that.

At first I thought maybe the voting booths could be inside of garbage cans to test people's intelligence but then we'd have a spate of raccoons voting. They might even win some districts. Before you know it, we'd have a bowl of cat food for president and a bird bath for vice-president. I mean, we sort of had that from 2001 to 2008, so I think the country would survive.

That's probably a good enough segue to begin discussing the Metal Men. I mean, I did mention garbage cans.

This issue begins with Chemo attacking the Metal Men and their new friends, the Other Metal Men.

This was written before the U.S. election. So I think there's a new bar for a worst day ever.

The Narrator of this comic book refers to the Metal Men as "our heroes." They're not my heroes! The Metal Men are the kind of characters people like when they're kids and then continue to like into adulthood simply for nostalgic reasons. I never liked them as a kid and so I'm not saddled with the nostalgia of having spent lonely Saturdays reading Metal Men comic books nursing the fat lip I got from trying to make a friend. Now that I'm almost mature, I certainly have no taste for these silly creatures. Although I do like Doc Magnus. He's sophisticated. He smokes a pipe and enjoys butt stuff! I don't do one of those things but I still admire him! He's so grown up and mature!

So the Metal Men (Not My Heroes!) are now battling Chemo. Do they always battle Chemo? Doesn't Chemo just look like a big container of Mountain Dew that was shaken too hard and possibly pissed in?

You can probably guess how I read this the first time.

Chemo burps green chowder all over the street as Doc Magnus and Doc Lace (who is also probably into butt stuff and smoking things) argue. Doc is all, "Did you do this?!" And Doc is all, "I did not!" And then Doc is all, "We should have this conversation later when our lives are not threatened!" And Doc is all, "Yeah!" And then Doc is all, "But did you do this?!" I don't have to explicate that anymore, do I? You can see why it's hilarious, right?

I just realized that this Doc Magnus is a younger, less dapper version of himself. Instead of smoking a pipe, he wears goggles. So I still only do one of the things this Doc Magnus does!

Chemo kills Silicon because nobody cared about a Metal Man made out of Silicon! It's possible Len Wein could have made one that people cared about. He could have worn a bow tie while trying to catch the eye of some angels to get his start-up going! He could have been all, "I'm an up and coming young go-getter who won't take no for an answer! I'm also willing to screw over my friends and associates to get an investment for my app! And when I say 'my app,' I mean the app I conned a bunch of other people into making who were all paid by the hour and didn't get a stake in the final product because it was my intellectual idea! And when I say 'my intellectual idea,' I mean the idea of my friends who didn't understand contract law and lost all of their rights to the project!" Man, I'm glad Silicon is dead! He was a total douche!

And then, in the middle of the battle, I find myself shocked. I'm not easily shocked either! That previous panel I scanned could have had a printing error that printed the way I read it anyway and I would have shrugged and gotten on with my life. But in the middle of the battle against Chemo, I find myself aghast! Agog! Amazed at what I'm seeing! And, if I'm honest, a little bit turned on!

Does Lead always masturbate during battle?

Before anybody decides they're going to explain what the picture above really is, just fucking relax and take a breath. Enjoy the absurdity of my fucking commentaries and stop trying to make sure everybody knows exactly what the fuck is going on at all times. You're being a patronizing twat. I commented on the cover of Scooby Apocalypse #4, "I think Shaggy's cock is hanging out." I said this because the artist drew Scooby's tongue exactly where Shaggy's cock would be if it were sticking out of his zipper. And the tongue looked exactly like a flaccid, uncircumcised cock! But some idiotic shit had to reply, "That's Scooby's tongue." Yeah, no shit, fucktwit! Relax! Chill out! Let people say things that are stupid and hilarious and make you see the world differently than maybe you might have seen it before. Especially when all that person seems to see are dicks.

Mother Machine reveals herself (I mean, re-reveals herself since I think, last issue, she already declared she needed to take action herself) and explains her plans to the reader. This is all because she wants a Responsometer! She describes a Responsometer as "a baseball-sized computer that allows the Metal Men to act independently of the Internet." That's what makes the Responsometer so special? That it works without being linked to the Internet?! That's hardly special! I thought what made the Responsometer so special was that it gave the robots sentience and emotions and that it also fits smoothly up one's rear end.

Back to the fight, Iron is rusted completely and dies. That's okay though because he can be rebooted later. It's also okay because I don't care about any of the Metal Men! They're a lot like Cyborg and Red Tornado and Robotman in that they usually wind up getting destroyed in the climactic battle. But their essence lives on in like a hard drive or tape cassette or something. So it doesn't really matter what happens to their bodies.

Platinum is killed and I sort of feel bad about that because I always liked the way she tried to fuck Superman in the old comic books I used to read on Saturday afternoons! And then Lithium dies as well. Now who's going to help lift everybody's spirits when the battle is over?!

After the military officer claims responsibility for this whole fiasco (it's always the military's fault! Just after the butler!), Gold declares that the Metal Men and the Other Metal Men must work together to stop Chemo. Hey! What a great idea! A team of heroes acting in concert and with a plan! I mean, the plan will probably be "Everybody rush Chemo at once!" which they did try earlier (although Lead stood by jerking off). But this is the end of the last issue! So it's different now! It'll work this time! Probably!

Aluminum dies almost immediately. Probably because everybody was pronouncing his name the American way and he was all, "But it's Al-loo-min-ium! It's All-loo-AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGHHHH!" After Al, it's Gold's turn to die!

"--art, Lisa!"

Mercury dies immediately after Gold dies winning the bet that his last words would be a totally hilarious impersonation. I'm beginning to suspect that all of the Metal Men are going to die so that Mother Machine can pop in, take the Responsometer out of Chemo, and fuck off to wherever she's been hiding since she destroyed the Blackhawks.

Mother Machine isn't allowed to be the hero because Tin needs to be the hero. The most useless Metal Men of them all! Somehow none of the other metals were strong enough to pierce Chemo's outer shell. But Tin turns himself into a javelin and shoots straight through Chemo, removing the Responsometer as he passes through Chemo! Wow! I only thought tin was good for storing beans and wrapping up sandwiches for picnics before being replaced by aluminum!

Doc Magnus picks up Chemo's Responsometer and is about to do what he always does with Responsometers before he's interrupted.

Doc, you should probably wash Chemo off of that before you shove it up there.

Mother Machine is sucked into Chemo's Responsometer because that's how they work? Or something? Doc Magnus decides it's safe to just give the Mother Machine Responsometer to the military and head home. That should work out well! Once he's home, he revives his Metal Men the way he always does after they're slaughtered in the final battle. He's not able to save most of the Other Metal Men. He only manages to keep Copper which is probably a good thing since the Metal Men had way too many dicks in it already. That's the good news! The bad news is that he decided to change their looks. He calls an upgrade but I call it Yeeeeeuuuuccch!

Mostly I hate this new look. But I do like the addition of a huge red penis to Gold.

The Review!
Why the fuck does DC keep thinking characters need cosmetic updates? I suppose I agree with them when they accidentally change a look for the better. But what is this unholy design they've chosen for the Metal Men? Somebody get Ann Nocenti on the phone so she can learn the actual definition of Uncanny Valley now! No wait! Don't rouse her! Let her sleep the sleep of the ages in whatever cave she's slouched on back to! Didn't they change the look of the Metal Men in the early 90s? In that mini-series with the shiny metallic cover on the first issue! I just read it in the last couple of years and I remember nothing about it! Why do I even bother doing things with my life when I can't retain any memory of the events?! I should just sit in front of the television playing Overwatch!

Batman Loves Superman #24

Shouldn't this be Alan Scott?

Last issue ended with Aquaman making a guest appearance to ensure that this comic book continues to be as crappy and boring as it possibly can. Although Aquaman does have his new Super-Boner Suit, so I'm a little bit excited about that.

I haven't truly hated a comic book in quite some time but the first page of this issue fixed that problem.

Before reading this page, I was thinking, "This comic book is dumb and makes no sense and features a poor representation of Superman." After reading this page, I am now thinking in bright, angry colors.

First off, it looks like Aquaman is wearing the top half of an evening gown. And I guess somebody pointed out that his groin needed a redesign but it was redesigned by somebody who doesn't know what an erection looks like because it still looks like an erection. Although now it's crossed with a cobra. Wasn't Cobra-Penis one of the Masters of the Universe?

But the art isn't what annoys me. It's the least offensive part of this page! And I use the term "offensive" in the most offensive way possible, meaning that I don't really give a shit about anything on the page because it's just a fucking comic book and my outrage is really just meaningless bluster. Superman's snarky attitude that only exists in his imagination tops the list. I'm going to assume that Commissioner Batman and Superman are in radio contact for a reason and that that reason is so they can work together. So when Gordon asks for information, shouldn't Superman at least say something? Some fanboy is probably screaming at me right now, spittle covering their monitor, "He jusht got the wind knocked out of him, shtupid!" (Yes, apparently I'm ableist against people with lateral lisps. It's just that they're so indicative of nerd rage! In much the same way neck beards, obesity, and Magic the Gathering are! Prove me wrong! Have you ever been to a Magic the Gathering tournament?! I'll fight you over this! Next Friday! At the local Magic the Gathering Friday Night Meet-up! I'll be the obese one with the neck beard and the really shitty control deck that only ever works one out of twenty-five times. But when it does work, oh boy, the horribly degrading shit I'll say about your mother!) Okay, fine. So Superman can't speak because Aquaman punched him in the gut. Then I'd also expect Superman not to have an expository interior monologue that ends in a stupid joke about how Commissioner Batman's Tuesday is going! How do you think it's going, Superman? That miniature sun is about to blow up! Duh!

Also there's a sea monster which is just stupid. Aquaman should be on a sea-horse.

Luckily on page two, the story reverts to ten minutes prior to Superman and Aquaman's showdown because I was desperate to find out how they came to blows. I'm glad it was only ten minutes earlier because I really didn't need to learn how the action moved from underground to the middle of the ocean. That shit was already explained through context. So I thank Greg Pak for having at least a little bit of awareness in his storytelling.

Arthur joined up with the Subterraneans because who the fuck knows. His prior motivation doesn't need to be explained when Greg Pak can just write in a scene with dead dolphins which explains everything. Now that Arthur has seen proof that this Miniature Sun is poisoning the sea, he's ready to attack Commissioner Batman and Lucius Fox who are trying to stabilize the sun. Oh, okay. I see why Arthur joined the battle. The Subterraneans want the Mini-sun for power and they needed help retrieving it after Commissioner Batman ordered it out to sea so that if it blows, it won't kill everyone in Gotham. Arthur doesn't want the Mini-sun to blow at sea because fuck the Land Dwellers and their ability to always fuck up the sea at every turn of their civilization. Although once Superman points out that Batman and Lucius Fox are trying to stabilize the Mini-sun which is sure to blow up at sea if Aquaman attacks, Aquaman attacks. The story couldn't be exciting if Batman, Superman, and Aquaman worked together to figure out a way to stop the Mini-sun from blowing and finding a way to help save the Subterraneans by using it as a safe power source. Exciting stories involve punches and sometimes kicks.

At least the story makes sense, I guess. The only thing left to explain is why Aquaman wouldn't work with Superman and would rather punch him?

Oh yeah. This is a Greg Pak comic book. I'm sure it's mind control.

Arthur seems to be in his right mind which means he could stop this conflict by telling the sea monsters to swim in the other direction. But I guess they're "Subterranean Sea Monsters," so they probably wouldn't listen to him anyway. So instead, he tells Superman to give up and let the Subterraneans steal the Mini-Sun. I don't know why he's asking Clark to give up. Can't he just put him in a sleeper hold and accidentally break Clark's neck? I mean, slowly send him into unconsciousness? Instead, Superman head butts Aquaman's head which is about a thousand times more dense than Superman's right now and Superman's head doesn't explode. Instead, Aquaman grabs his forehead and says something like, "That actually hurt!"

At one point during the fisticuffs, Superman even thinks how he's tired of trying to explain things to Aquaman. That's standard Heroes Fighting 101! Of course Superman continues to fight because this version of Superman doesn't trust Aquaman to help save the day. Even if he thinks Aquaman is a joke, can't he trust that Aquaman will do anything to save his precious ocean? I get why Superman doesn't trust Commissioner Batman though. Even without super senses, he can smell cop all over that guy.

How many more cliches can we pack into this issue? I hope quite a few more since I did pay $3.99 for it.

You can tell how close the story is to ending by moments like this. Will Ukur finally believe Superman? If he does, the story is about to wind down. If he doesn't, more issues ahoy! I'm sure he'll finally calm down and begin listening to Superman now because this story needs to wrap up along with the other "Truth" Superman stories.

Commissioner Batman and Superman ride the rocket containing the Mini-sun into the sky so that it will blow up harmlessly in the atmosphere unless having a Mini-sun go nova in Earth's atmosphere is the opposite of harmless. Oh, I'm sure it'll be okay. All of those fears about the atmosphere igniting were proven to be just fears way back at Trinity, right? I mean, that wasn't a sun exploding but it was nearly the same thing! Probably!

Superman decides he's going to sit on top of the explosion in the hopes that it will reignite his powers and not just kill him. At this point, I'm hoping he just disintegrates because he's apparently too difficult to write.

Too bad for Commissioner Superman and Batman, the Dawn Command fly in with a spaceship and steal the Mini-sun. I guess the leader of the Dawn Command is one of the people joining with Wrath to destroy Superman and the Mini-sun is needed for their plan to succeed. And I guess Ukur and the Subterraneans will just have to go back to sitting in the dark. "Ha, ha!" as everybody in this comic book has been saying for some reason.

One of the escaped convicts from Blackgate yells all the appropriate things in the hearing range of Lucius Fox so he can offer to help them with their power problem at reasonable rates. Commissioner Batman doesn't say "Hey! That's a Blackgate Prison jumpsuit! Don't move! You're under arrest!" at all. Ukur tries to get the fighting going again because I guess he likes punching things better than light sources. But Aquaman knows how to keep this story on track to bring it to a happy conclusion!

Why couldn't somebody have said this four issues ago?! It rings so hollow being said now after I've spent sixteen dollars on this god-awful story!

Commissioner Gordon chastises Superman for good reasons and even makes some reasonable points. But Superman ignores him because he's Superman and how dare anybody that isn't Bruce Wayne tell him that he's acting like a total fucking dangerous douchebag? Clark decides to go speak with Bruce Wayne because he needs to be told he's doing the right thing, even if it's by some guy that doesn't recognize him anymore and has no idea what Clark is actually talking about.

That totally makes sense. Superman really wants advice from this guy?

I've played enough basketball in my life to know that it doesn't matter the size of the person who cries foul or who's doing the potential fouling. I've played too many games with my old high school friend who I haven't mentioned in a long time, Soy Rakelson, to know that Bruce's justice is bullshit. Soy was the king of fouling in basketball and he was the smallest guy on the court. If I had claimed that he kept fouling me on purpose, Bruce would have told me to shut the fuck up because I was the bigger person. Eat dick, Bruce. And, yes, I know these kids are playing soccer. They're practically the same thing. A bunch of people chasing a ball around and constantly claiming they're being fouled.

Clark learns some wisdom from Bruce even though it's the opposite wisdom he learned the last time this scene unfolded in Batman Loves Superman #1. Unless it was a different issue. It was one of those Jae Lee issues, anyway, because he made the wacky trees look really good. I guess Superman just likes to hear what he wants to hear so that he can feel good continuing to do the stupid bullshit he's been doing. What an asshole.

The epilogue has Vandal Savage meeting up with Wrath to point out that he's not Jesus Christ like I guessed he was. Also, he's stolen the Mini-sun because "a few thousand years of planning always pays off." What? He's been planning this for two thousand years or more? Who does he think he is? Harvest?!

This appearance of Vandal Savage is the exact opposite of his appearance in Justice League United #13. And just so you can decipher what I mean by that, Vandal's appearance in Justice League United was the best thing ever.

Batman Loves Superman #24 Rating: -1 Ranking. I hate this comic book. I hate that every little moment is some kind of Greg Pak thinks he's teaching the reader some kind of wisdom moment when it's actually shallow bullshit that doesn't actually add up. It's Superman acting like an asshole but unable to see that he's acting like an asshole because Greg Pak is desperately trying to make the other characters seem like the problem. It's a whole bunch of Superman bitching about how he's lost all of his powers and he can die at any moment but then headbutting Aquaman and taking bullets in the back and succeeding at activities that a powerless man could never actually succeed at. It's too much Superman being human and proving that anybody can do anything as long as they have the spirit and gumption to keep going punctuated by Superman continually pointing out how lucky he was to survive. I just fucking hate this comic book.

Futures End: Worlds' Finest #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea! Recently, Goggles broadcast went national via short wave radio. But the signal was being blocked in Reading City by The Long Boxes, a gang of misogynistic, bigoted comic book know-it-alls who replaced it with their own show called "Truly Fanatical!" This is their broadcast.

Fuck you, Scanners! Fuck you right in your cock gobbling faces, you pieces of shit! Nobody in this city is going to be listening to that illiterate, dumb as a fucking cock, can't even fucking speak English fucking cunt Gobbles Upbutt-turds. Who can stand listening to that mongrelese? How can you idiots not just turn that shit off! Stop following that fucking show, you morons. Maybe the day she learns how to conjugate a few verbs correctly, she might be worth listening to. Until then, fuck trying to understand her shit, right? Someone talks like that, they're probably fucking retarded anyways.

That show is dead in Reading City, here me? This is the show you're going to get, comic book lovers! "Truly Fanatical!" That's me, P.T. Goddard, knower of all things comical anybody could ever know! And this is Long Box Country! It's our city and we won't have any of that Gobbles bullshit commentary on comics since she doesn't even know shit about them anyway. Fuck that whore. How the fuck did she get a fucking sponsor for her show? Probably because she's got titties.

Speaking of titties, I have in my talented little hands (if you understand what I'm saying, ladies, and, well let's face it, you probably don't being, you know, one of the, shall I say, less intelligent gender) a comic book featuring the two biggest boobs at DC Realfeel™ comic books! No, no! I'm not talking about Geoff Johns and Jim Lee although I can understand why you might jump to that conclusion! I'm talking about Power Girl's titties! The Huntress is also in this comic book but I'd probably only add half a titty to the total if I were to include her mamma-jammas.

I've got here the Futures End issue of Worlds' Finest, which is an apt title for this comic because boner city, right? The cover should replace "Power Girl" and "The Huntress" with "Right Boob" and "Left Boob." Without that boob window, Power Girl would have zero fans being that she's just a second rate Superman. No wait. Supergirl is a second-rate Superman and Power Girl is a third rate Supergirl. And the Huntress? Shit. She's worse than every Robin ever kicked the side of Batman and most of those Robins were huge pussies. Hmm, I guess she compares favorably to them after all! OH!

Oh, is that what we're supposed to call huge tits? Healthy?

Power Girl raids Cadmus Island because she knows her best friend and, probably, her strap-on lover is being held in their OMAC Prison Complex. As the truly fanatical know, her mission is bound to fail because, as seen in the pages of Futures End #18 and #19, she winds up under Brother Eye's control. But for now she's free and she may even manage to free The Huntress because something should probably happen in this comic book that'll matter in the Futures End weekly since Keith Giffen is advising on the issue. Unless he was just advising Paul Levitz on a proper diet to keep regular. How old are those guys anyway? They must be going on nearly dead.

While Power Boobs explores Cadmus Island, she discovers a lab where scientists have vivisected Steel. Good. Talk about third rate Supergirls! Why did DC even bother with that character? The only reason they created him was to have yet another black character. As if they didn't already have enough, they decided some useless guy, that nobody believed was a genius, by the way, could fill Superman's role when he wasn't available to protect Metropolis? Who cares if he's dead? Although now I wish there was a Futures End: Steel #1 that was just twenty pages of him being taken apart alive, panel by panel. The picture shows a big laundry cart filled with Steel's parts that says, "Steel Vivisection Results." Really? Those are the results? A big pile of waste products? I think somebody just did it for fun.

Metaphor? Oh yeah!

Power Girl emasculates Deathstroke by bending his phallus and then knocking it out of his hands. I can see that. He probably has her beat in a one on one match where he knows who she is or suspects she has powers. But here he needs to take some time to assess the situation, having first thought she was simply an unknown human having breached security. She might be strong but he has a much sharper and more tactical mind for battle. So Power Girl wins the first round due to surprise but I'm sure Deathstroke will take her out by the end. If not then Paul Levitz is a fucking hack that doesn't know anything about comic books or these characters.

Next, Deathstroke blows his load all over Power Girl's chest.

This happens every time Power Girl wears an article of clothing that covers up her cleavage.

Before Deathstroke can teach Power Girl a thing or two about kicking ass, Fifty Sue arrives on the scene to stop Power Girl. Fifty Sue is some super powered creature created by Cadmus. Her looks were made to match her attitude. She's a horrible little monster so she was made to look like a little girl. Power Girl suspects she might be Darkseid's daughter which would be something since Darkseid's daughter was supposed to appear in Vibe and then that stupid shit got its ass cancelled because it was about the most boring character DC ever created. Again, when you create a character just to have another minority character, it's going to wind up stupid and dumb bullshit.

And then a sixth rate Supergirl comes to Power Girl's rescue. Great.

She doesn't quite fill out the suit as well as the original. Not bad though. Not bad at all.

Fifty Sue defeats both Power Girls because DC decided they needed some all-powerful antagonist working for Cadmus and in cahoots with Brother Eye. And who better than a little girl that nobody has ever heard of before? I'm just surprised DC made her a white little girl. I guess it would be wrong to make her a minority since she's the biggest bad guy on Earth right now. Can't have that!

Once again, another Futures End comic book that didn't fucking matter at all! Maybe Fifty Sue will turn out to be related to Darkseid somehow since something needs to explain why Giffen was involved in this book. I guess he had to make sure that Paul Levitz didn't do something stupid that would make DC a laughingstock for years to come because DC has a reputation of excellence to maintain! Not like they've ever done anything stupid like that before! You know, something really fucking dumb like having a character like Eclipso defeat all of DC's heroes in a huge summer event only to have his secret headquarters on the dark side of the moon to protect himself from his greatest weakness, the sun, even though the location of his headquarters meant he was bathed in sunlight for nearly half of the moon's rotation each month. Fucking idiots.

That's all I have to say about that! Thanks for listening to Truly Fanatical! Don't fucking listen to that other fucking illiterate show or the Long Boxes will fucking kill you. Talk to you in twenty-three!

Supergirl #31

Does having two opposable digits on each hand help a creature evolve even quicker?

Once again, it's time for Supergirl's Bum! Supergirl's Bum! Supergirl's Bum! What did I say? Supergirl's Bum!
It'll look you in the eye and you'll fall in love! Supergirl's Bum!
You'll look it in the eye and you'll fall in love! Supergirl's Bum!
It was always kind of angry!
But now it's really angry!
It'll curb stomp your heart! It's Supergirl's Bum!

Currently, The Red Lanterns (including Supergirl's Bum) are hunting down Judge Red because she's decided to become the law. And they have to find her before Dex-Starr finds her because what group of Red Lanterns would you join? The group with a red haired dickface, a living beach ball, and a decaying ox, or the one with the adorable kitty cat?! If you didn't answer "the adorable kitty cat," you are dead inside and/or a poseur.

Although I did misrepresent the side without a kitty cat since I forgot to mention Supergirl's Bum was on that team. Did I forget to mention Supergirl's Bum? You do know about it, right? It's pretty freakin' adorable.

Oh my god! Dex-Starr is adorable too! I can't decide which team to root for!?

It must be noted that Supergirl's Bum has decided to remain in the background so far this issue. But Dex-Starr has come out of the gates swinging!

Now I'm picturing race horses wearing boxing gloves! That's fucking cute too! Unless it's animal abuse. But at least it's adorable animal abuse!

You can has everyting!

Dex-Starr begins firing lasers out of his tail but he doesn't flip the fuck out and try to capture all of the lasers at the same time. I guess he can suppress his cat instincts when he needs to.

Why do cats instinctively attack lasers?! I think that's proof of ancient aliens somehow!

Meanwhile in New York, Silver Banshee's witch roommate and her coven play with powers beyond their ken!

"It's not a game! It's a tool!" -- Carl, my stoner buddy, twenty years ago in my mom's basement over a Ouija Board and bathed in candlelight.

Because the coven forgot to take the proper precautions like not being in a fictional medium, they summon Blaze the Demonic Demon! Blaze asks the witches, "Where is Supergirl?" Well, if Blaze would get off the fucking Ouija Board, they might be able to find out for her.

Back on Primeen, Supergirl's Bum gets a chance to offer a rebuttal to Dex-Starr's points. Instead, Supergirl's Bum decides to rest on its past laurels and simply not appear at all!

So close and yet so far off panel!

By the way, nobody has found Judge Red yet.

Also, I should probably mention this here before I'm inundated with comments that Supergirl's Bum has made an appearance up until this point. And while this is technically true, the picture was upside down and it really wasn't Lupacchino and McCarhty's best effort. It certainly wasn't worth scanning and it certainly wasn't saying something cute like "I can has dingleberry?"

By the way, immediately after pointing out Supergirl's Bum hasn't made an appearance and Judge Red has not yet been found, both appear on the next page! But not in any way interesting enough to scan. I'm really getting disappointed.

Here we go! We're going to get a lot of "I sentence you to..." and "I declare you..." one liners!

Judge Red does judge Supergirl. And even though Supergirl is guilty of punching a lot of people in the face, those infractions aren't even misdemeanors. They're just kind of bad manners. So Judge Red declares Kara is innocent, although flawed and dangerous. Can't that be said of all of us? I mean those of us that haven't murdered anybody yet.

Supergirl heads off to the Red Lantern's Bar and Ship to get the vat of Blood Ocean the Lanterns brought with them. Kara needs to dunk Judge Red into it so that she'll lose the frenzied courtroom drama and calm the fuck down a little bit. While Kara goes to get the Blood Tank, Atrocitus and Dex-Starr move in to make friends. That will take place in Red Lanterns #31 (on sale next week!). But for now, this story needs to end somehow.

Well, that's how that ends! With this guy again! I wonder what his ass looks like?

Supergirl #31 Rating: No change. I'm enjoying Supergirl's time as a Red Lantern because it's brought a little bit of focus into her life. Before her anger was unfocused and directed at anybody she met. Now she can at least punch people that deserve to get punched. Plus she's finally made another friend in Bleez! That makes two whole friends Supergirl has made! She's better at making friends than I am!

Sorry for the lack of Supergirl's Bum pictures. It appears no artist seems to care about it as much as Mahmud Asrar did.

Worlds' Finest #23

I truly do not understand the fascination with finding a way home.

I suppose home, for me, was my grandparents' house. My mom raised me and my sister on her own and I spent a lot of time with my grandparents. They were my favorite people in the whole world. My grandfather died about ten years ago. He spent about a week in the hospital before he died, so I was able to fly down and be with him a few more times before he went. His most pressing concern was what the weather was like in Portland. I held his hand and told him everything he wanted to know. Later, after he was gone, my cousin and I sat up all night drinking some kind of alcohol we'd found stashed behind his desk that housed his Ham radio (XXXXX was his handle (I just looked it up online and found his name and address under it, so I censored myself. It seems his license expired in 2010 though)), playing cribbage, telling stories, and crying our asses off.

Speaking of his HAM Radio, my grandfather had an antenna tower in his backyard that must have been fifty feet high which he installed himself. When I was in high school, he purchased a Commodore 64 because one of his ham radio friends had homebrew cartridges that could be hooked up to a telegraph key so he could practice his Morse Code. I spent many days during high school sitting next to him as he talked on his Ham radio and I played computer role playing games on the Commodore 64. He was always very excited to make contact with people in new places or to occasionally catch messages from the space shuttle.

I only knew one person more kind and caring than my grandfather, and that was my grandmother. The last few times I spoke with her on the phone, she had to keep asking me who I was. But she also kept assuring me that she loved me, whoever the fuck I was. I shouldn't swear while saying that! I don't know if I ever heard her say a curse word. My grandfather would occasionally let one slip when frustrated with some machine or another and we'd embarrass the hell out of him by pointing it out. My grandmother was constantly curious about the world although she never made it very far in school before having to go to work in the orchards and the canneries. Being first generation Spanish American, she was brought up Catholic but I don't think she believed much of anything that had to do with the religion and the church in her later years. She wasn't the type to apologize and make excuses simply because she had been raised a certain way. I remember her telling me once how she couldn't understand why the Catholics were always speaking so poorly of the Jews and that it really made her question the values of the church and its members. Her wedding photo with my grandfather was in formal wear because they were married in the courthouse. Eventually they got married in a church due to the pressures of the church and the times about having children that would be perceived, by some, out of wedlock since they hadn't had a church wedding. She had two children six years apart in a time when Spanish and Catholic families generally had large families. I never asked her but I have a feeling there were some non-church approved methods of family planning going on.

My grandmother tried to instill discipline in her grandchildren by threatening us with the big wooden decorative spoon that hung on the wall. Mostly she just hissed "mal niño" or "mal niña" at us. But she was too nice and couldn't stand to see her grandchildren unhappy or upset. Until the day she died, I could always make her feel bad by reminding her how she made me get up and walk to the back of the house to brush my teeth when I had shingles in second grade. I'm sure she thought I was being overly dramatic about how much it hurt but I assured her the pain was excruciating. And I assured her a lot through the years! I may have just liked teasing her but I think I also loved seeing how much she cared about me by how much that memory hurt her. Not that she'd weep over it when I mentioned it! She always laughed and got a kick out of it but you could hear in her voice how sorry she was that she had any part in causing me any kind of pain.

Anyway, they're all dead and stuff now, so let's talk about something that matters! Like Power Girl's outfit!

So cute! Although I don't know why Power Girl's outfit has made me tear up so much! So weird!

Karen Starr has decided that she doesn't have time for secret identities anymore! She has to find a way home even if it brings TMZ rushing to her lab's doorsteps. Starr Industries has one lab left because all of Power Girl's resources are now being directed at opening a portal home. She saw it done by Kaizen Gammora Jr, so she knows she can eventually do it as well. Especially if The Huntress finds a way to steal all of Kaizen Gammora Jr's files about Project I'd Better Do As Flip The Fuck Out Superman Commands.

Dude, when's the last time you saw a woman with eyes where her vagina should be? Eyes up top, perv!

Karen and her German boytoy test out the equipment and, coincidentally, Boston has a huge blackout. And to make matters worse, Darkseid's boytoy, Desaad, has decided he'd like to prank Boston while their power is out. What a huge joker! Also a massive dick sucker. He just loves massive dicks! Like Darkseid's!

That last paragraph may have seemed like I was immaturely using homosexuality as a way of belittling Desaad but I assure you it was not. It was just facts! Desaad is totally Darkseid's lifemate! Not in the way two loving people become a couple and live the rest of their lives together. But in the kind of way where Peppermint Patty is so charismatic and powerful that Marcy decides to give up everything in her life to wait hand and foot on Peppermint Patty and to, you know, give her adult pleasure when she's feeling tense. Or horny. Or hungry. Or world dominate-y. You know. Whatever. Mr. Burns and Smithers have that kind of relationship too! As did Dick Cheney and George W. Bush! Whoops! That time I was using homosexuality as an immature way to belittle someone. I sometimes find it's worth throwing my ethical values out the window just to see the look on some total asshole's face when I call them gay. Sorry! I'll try to work on that. Unless money is involved. Then fuck my ethics because I'm getting paid!

Meanwhile, The Huntress is breaking in to MIT to steal their Telnet server so she can log in to TinyEARTH2. During the blackout, she runs into three other people breaking into the university to steal their supply of radioactive material. So now she has to deal with that.

This is a thing that is happening as well. Karen's assistant Tanya gets possessed by Desaad. Make your own joke for that. I didn't even want to mention it but thought it might be important later.

As you can see in the panel above, The Huntress's pursuit of the bad guy with the radioactive lunch box brings her into Tanya's story. Even though she's the daughter of Catwoman and Batman, the Huntress winds up caught off guard when the car crashes. At least she lands on her feet thanks to her mom's cat skills which she has for some reason. I think it's because her face was once licked by a radioactive cat. That gave her cancer and she died but the lick also gave her new cat powers which enabled her to live again eight more times! Another one of her cat powers was to have a litter with kittens from different fathers. So The Huntress probably has a half-brother out there whose dad is Superman. Anyway, the evil doer takes Tanya hostage and tells The Huntress to jump off the bridge or Desaad gets it.

Worlds' Finest #23 Rating: No change. My favorite part of this comic book series is the interaction between best friends Power Girl and The Huntress. And that didn't happen this issue, so I can't like it as much as I usually like it. But I did like it because it was a good story decently told. Although Desaad could have been a little creepier. And Power Girl could have had sex with somebody for three or four pages. Very slowly. And then hard! And fast! And then slow again! So slow! And then quicker! Quicker! Quick...hmm, I've lost interest now for some reason.

Worlds' Finest #22

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that these two don't actually fight this issue. At most, they might have a minor squabble or inconsequential disagreement.

I was detailing my elementary school achievements during the First Contact storyline but since that only lasted four issues and I managed to stay in school for more than four years, I'll have to continue digging through my past during regularly scheduled episodes of Worlds' Finest. Next up: Third Grade!

My finest award in third grade is also the scariest.

I have no memory of participating in any carnival at all. I was probably forced to do it.

I also received two certificates that seem less like achievements and almost feel a bit insulting. They're fancy certificates for having achieved "basic competency" in math and reading.

Satanic Principal Passarello: "Has this child managed to struggle through our Master's Black Prayer?"
Satanic 3rd Grade Teacher Mrs. Black: "Yes, Dark Lord of Haman Elementary. Well enough, I suppose. He seemed to question the veracity of our Evil Master but he managed to recite the Dark Incantation promising his soul to He That Fulfills Our Desires."
Satanic Principal Passarello: "Good! Good! And has he shown a flair for calculating the proper mix of human blood with rabid dog feces for the Carnival's Punch?"
Satanic 3rd Grade Teacher Mrs. Black: "Enh. Competent, at best."
Satanic Principal Passarello: "Good enough! You may honor him with mediocre awards on shoddy paper stamped with the Unholy Seal of the Santa Clara Unified School District! Go Haman Eagles!"
Satanic 3rd Grade Teacher Mrs. Black: "Go Haman Eagles!"

I also received this outstanding achievement because my Satanic Elementary School was simply obsessed with hooters.

You can see in Woodsy's eyes that he's warning me to run! Run from this evil institution! As fast and as far as I can!

And finally, proof that I excelled in the Dark Arts.

If only I had the work of art here in Portland that was hung in the museum when I was eight. It was of a haunted house, further proof that Darkness and Evil were lauded and awarded at my Satanic Elementary School.

Of the things that could be officially awarded by the school district, those were the extents of my accomplishments in third grade. And what of the Unholy things that could not officially be recognized? Well, those would best go unnamed, wouldn't they?

Last issue of Worlds' Finest left Kara angry at Hel for closing the portal that led back home and, almost assuredly, to pain and torture and near immediate death.

I'm fairly certain that Power Girl lives in a van down by the river.

For this issue, Gamorra will be played by "Gammora." Now please respect our players with silence, turn off your cell phones, and stop tearing open candy bags during the performance.

Kara and Hel stop bickering about the dangers of a now non-existent portal when the last of the ARGUS agents burst into the room to claim all of Kaizen Gamorra Jr's busted up technology. Power Girl decides beating the agents senseless would be better than giving them the technology that she's been looking for for five years.

"Good question"? I guess she's also decided speaking nonsense gives her a tactical advantage.

The Worlds' Finest Girls spend the next few pages beating up ARGUS agents. Speaking of The Huntress as a "girl", she really cannot be seventeen like Batman thought she was a few issues ago (possibly in Batman Loves Superman). Because there is no way she came over to New Earth as a twelve year old. Maybe she was seventeen when she first came over. I'd buy that!

For some reason, The Huntress decides to have a flashback to nearly four years ago. I suppose she could be thirteen in this flashback since the sex slave hunters she's battling refer to her as a kid in a mask. But if she is suddenly that young, it's retroactive! I have a feeling if I reread the older issues of this comic book, I'd feel all oogy by the way they portray her when first coming to New Earth if I'm supposed to believe she was twelve.

However old she is, she defeats the sex slave hunter bad guys and the flashback ends. I don't know why it occurred when it did though! I guess the storyline on New Gamorra was over?

The Huntress heads home to research the technology she stole from Gamorra while Power Girl flies away to think about how hot the bad guy was. There's a lot of that going on in The New 52. Some guy tries to kill a woman. The woman hates him for it but can't stop mentioning how hot and sexy the guy is. Really? Does that really go through someone's mind when thinking about some asshole that just tried to kill you? "Man! If only he hadn't tried to stab me in the face, I'd fuck his brains out!"

While The Huntress discovers whatever I'll find out she discovers on the last page, Kara learns from her lawyers that Starr Industries has been returned to her. She immediately tells them to sell it all, leave her one lab, and get those fat stacks of cash into her bank account as fast as possible. She has a Dimension Tunneler to build!

Are two points of evidence really enough when you're dealing with alternate realities that might differ in only the slightest of ways?

Worlds' Finest #22 Rating: No change. I have only one idea for why that story was shoved in the middle of this comic book. I think some artists couldn't make their deadlines so they split the story into two separate bits and brought in some other artists to finish up the flashback. I don't think the flashback had anything to do with the main story. I suppose it could be setting up a confrontation with the sex traffickers in a future issue. Anyway, as I pointed out, there was no battle between the besties. They bickered a bit and that was it.

Supergirl #30

For about two seconds while looking at this cover, I thought Charles Soule was no longer writing Red Lanterns.

Now that Supergirl's storyline has finally caught up to her story over in Red Lanterns, I can't tell the comics apart! I do like that Emanuela Lupacchino is drawing Red Lanterns now! I mean Supergirl! I think she's a fitting replacement for Mahmud Asrar. Here come the cute shots of Supergirl's bum!

You'd think the only reason I read Supergirl is to see her ass. No. The main reason I read Supergirl is because I'm forcing myself to read every issue of The New 52 because I secretly hate myself and need to find ever increasing ways to shame myself. But the main reason after the main reason is to stare at Supergirl's ass. It's as valid a reason as any other! Unless your reason is to be intellectually stimulated by a powerful female character. And then my reason is more valid. Because look at how adorable Supergirl is!

Currently on the planet Grax, the Graxians are getting their asses handed to them.

That's an incorrect usage of the word "repeat."

Red Lantern Supergirl has decided this planet needs a defender and that defender will be her. And maybe her friends Dead Ox Face and Tennis Ball Butt.

How is she acting any different than before she got the red ring?

For a few issues now, I've had to drop ending my Supergirl commentaries with a shot of Kara's rear end. That's because there were no shots of her bum throughout any of the recent comics! But all of a sudden, Emanuela Lupacchino takes over and every single shot of Supergirl involves her butt. And also her boobs. I guess Emanuela is a master of the Boob/Butt Showcase!

I should probably talk about things other than Supergirl's butt in this commentary.

Supergirl saves the planet with a few more Boob/Butt Showcases and everybody cheers. Yay for Supergirl's bum!

Meanwhile, Blaze leaves The Block because she can't stand to hear the phrase "omniologist" one more time. So she heads to New York to start a new life battling Silver Banshees and Trios of Witches. Possibly. It's also possible that she'll open a pizzeria.

Back on Ysmault, as Bleez lies in the Red Lantern Medical Bay recovering from Atrocitus's attack on her and Rankorr, Guy Gardner and Kara Zor-el have one of those Charles Soule type heart to heart chats. Well, maybe not so heart to hearty as that. More like heart to lots and lots of exposition from Kara about her past and the World Killers chat.

Guy Gardner learns that he's got a tiger by the tail. Unless it's a tiger by the tale? Is that the only way to hold a tiger? To put it in a story? But then the lesson is that you're never quite in control of your tiger because stories have a way of turning around and biting your face off as you're writing them. Like you'll be writing about a boy lost in a city who suddenly sees a woman that reminds him of his grandmother and her kindnesses. So he begins to approach her when he suddenly sees her kick a stray cat. The boy stops, helpless, lost, terrified. And suddenly you, the Writer, are weeping inconsolably and curled up under your desk trying to catch your breath while apologizing over and over again to your long dead grandmother.

Tigers are stupid anyway.

For now, Supergirl and the Red Lanterns need to deal with Atrocitus and Dex-Starr. But later, they're going to have to finish their fight against the Diasporan Horde.

That's the guy I tried to draw last commentary! He's a real jerk.

Supergirl #30 Rating: No change. This issue taught us that Supergirl was lonely and angry and that her home planet was destroyed, a trauma she's still not over. I think we already knew that, so it feels like a bit of synopsis so the reader can realize that the Worldkiller story arc was more important than we first might have thought!

Supergirl #29

I can't believe I just paid $2.99 to read about two women vomiting on each other. I'd easily have paid twice that!

I know you're all really curious to find out if Yildiray Cinar draws as good a bum as Mahmud Asrar, so I'll get right to the comic instead of boring you with fantastic tales of my daily life. No, no. Your pleas of "Tell us, Tess! Tell us what you ate for breakfast!" must go unanswered! I am not a public figure nor a role model. I have divorced my personal self from this blog because I owe that to my audience. They deserve unbiased, objective opinions on DC's comics. And since they're not going to get unbiased opinions anywhere else on the internet, it's up to me to swallow my pride (washing it down with a cup of sake) and force my immense and willful ego into the background. Today is a new day at Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea! For today, we get fucking serious, motherfuckers!

One month ago, Kara and her friend Siobhan were happy and having fun. They were living a life of pure harmony and joy. Things were a little rough around the edges but they could count on each other for the things that really mattered.

Hey! What are you girls up to?! Don't you know this is DC Comics? There is no laughter in DC Comics! Knock it off!

And so, upon hearing the edict handed down from above, Supergirl got Vaginal Kryptonite Poisoning, Siobhan's apartment was flooded with fecal matter, and they drifted apart. But even that wasn't enough drama for DC Comics! They can't just go their separate ways! They were best friends! They have to try to kill each other!

It's a good thing Tony Bedard was taken down to the Straightening Up Room deep in the basement. Sure, he might have gone in with a smile and a goofy tie telling people how much fun Supergirl was going to be in the upcoming months when he took over. Talk of Kara and Siobhan buying a roadster and going cross country like the old Denny O'Neil Green Team days. Tony probably thought they were taking him into a private office to discuss a bonus. Or maybe he was going to be given Grant Morrison levels of control over the continuity of his character! He was beaming, exuberant, full of hope and optimism. But the Tony Bedard that emerged from the elevator as he entered the main office of DC Comics was a man beyond recognition. "Wasn't his tie more colorful?" asked Rob Leigh from behind the water cooler. "Wasn't his face more colorful?" asked Dan Brown. "Wasn't he...," stammered Yildiray, the horror of it all descending quite slowly across his face, "...taller?" Tony Bedard shuffled over to the rest of his creative team, slowly and reluctantly, as if being pushed from behind by some unseen force. He looked up and a haunted smile crept over his lips, slightly parted to reveal teeth not quite as white as some had thought, and said, "Change of plans. New great idea. Kara becomes a Red Lantern. Anger. Violence. Death of friendship. Huge sales." He strained for a second, a look of pain crossing his face. He looked wildly from side to side and quickly pulled up his shirt to reveal a large worm-like creature attached to his torso just beneath his rib cage. Interrupted by the bright light, it looked up from where it was sucking heartily through a razor sharp proboscis, and hissed at the men standing around the cooler. They screamed! Water cups were dropped! Underwear was soiled. Before any actual words could be voiced, Tony lowered his shirt and slouched back to his office. The others looked around from gaunt face to gaunt face, Yildiray mouthing a single word: "Didio."

And so Supergirl received her Red Lantern Ring and her first act was to try to kill Siobhan, the Silver Banshee. Dan Didio was once more seen walking about the offices, counting his money, remarking that, no, he hadn't seen Bedard in some time, actually. But it is said that if you take your car out on a clear night, drive it down the most deserted highway you can find, and begin searching through the AM Radio band, you just might catch the sound of a scared, lonely voice calling out, "No! NO! I believe in friendship!"

How is this preferable to them eating pizza and playing Mario Kart?

Meanwhile down in the center of the Earth in an anomalous space called The Block, a transdimensional creature named Blaze is busy escaping. Technically, she's busy just walking away since it was "Doctor" Veritas that offered to set her free if she helped defeat Lobo. And while Blaze didn't live up to her end of the bargain, it's not like "Doctor" Veritas took any real precautions to make sure Blaze didn't just walk out of the new hole in Xenocontainment Module 5. Sure, she sent a repair team. But did she arm the repair team with demon destroying holy spanners? Fuck no! They don't even have medical or get overtime pay! And now they're all dead and Blaze is free! Somebody should shut down The Block for horrible working conditions.

In New York, Siobhan lets the Silver Banshee loose. It's a good tactic because the Silver Banshee has a magic yell that can probably bust Supergirl's super-eardrums while all Siobhan had was a cute accent and a penchant for going without underwear. And while those are some pretty great features, they're probably not going to do much against a Kryptonian Red Lantern.

The fight between the Silver Banshee and the Red Lantern nears Siobhan's apartment where her new roommate is calling up a few of her witchy friends to inform them it's black cauldron time!

Siobhan let loose the Banshee and it's going to take a shitload of Eye of Newt to stop its rampage.

Isn't it just too precious that the terms "ship load" and "boat load" are better when they're misused as "shitload" and "buttload"? I'm going to choose the incorrect terminology every fucking time!

Siobhan discovers that as The Silver Banshee, she can teleport. She takes herself and Kara out of New York and into the Catskill Mountains. As a young boy of youngish age in a younger time, I always thought that was the name of a fake place. Like Jellystone or Las Vegas. The Silver Banshee is an entirely separate creature that shares control of Siobhan's body. It's an ancient black magic curse placed on Siobhan's family. The creature gives the host power but eventually takes over and wreaks havoc on the world. So while it wants total control of the body so it can put some fucking underwear on, Siobhan can not let it take control. But if the only way to stop Supergirl is to let The Silver Banshee out, what choice does she have? Which is more dangerous? It's like having to choose between Blaze or Lobo and then just letting them both out into the world and not stopping either.

Meanwhile in New York, Twat Lobo stops being dead. He has really good regenerative powers, you know! He discovers his ship is toast but he did get some information about the real Lobo. The one Twat Lobo believes is an imposter. But Twat Lobo is the imposter! And a jerk! And a stupid idiot! And I hate him! But I don't hate him as much as I hate Condor!

Siobhan convinces Red Lantern Supergirl that the people that destroyed Krypton, the jerks Kara is mad at, are off planet. She points randomly into the sky and Kara leaves Earth for Red Lanterns #28. And Siobhan is sad because this is the end of friendship. What does DC have against friendship?!

Finally, some bastard alien race are testing the planet Kaarth to find out if they're worthy or not. And by testing, I mean slaughtering. And by worthy, I don't know what I mean because the evil villain at the end doesn't explain. I don't recognize him. He looks like this:

Now you know why he's so hard to recognize.

Supergirl #29 Rating: +1 Ranking. Even though friendship didn't quite die, it's definitely been placed on life support. At least 10% of this comic book was flashback! That allowed some stories of friendship to shine through. I bet Tony Bedard paid dearly for slipping those scenes in.

Supergirl #28

Surprise! Kara becomes a Red Lantern! Who saw that coming?

At the end of last issue, Supergirl was about ready to crack Twat Lobo's nuts for the final time. But she might also have to battle Blaze too since "Doctor" Veritas doesn't believe Supergirl can defeat Twat Lobo. So "The Doctor" freed a horrible demon that didn't even stick around to help. Some demons just don't understand the importance of a contract. Perhaps they're only bound to them if they're signed in blood. I seem to remember learning about that during my years at my Satanic Elementary School.

Whatever happens, it's going to get Supergirl so angry that she'll earn the second most powerful weapon she's ever wielded! Her super cute bum is the most powerful.

From the beginning, I can tell this issue is going to be really annoying because Twat Lobo is narrating. So I'm going to have to experience his use of the phrase "sorry not sorry" way too many times. And once is too many! Anything above that is way too many. Also, if you've ever used that phrase, you probably shouldn't be reading my commentaries because I hate you. If you've used the phrase, you're a selfish douche and probably some kind of "-ist"! I don't know what kind specifically although "narcissist" is probably a pretty good bet.

"Well hello, Lobo! So nice to meet you! My name is Supergirl!"

Supergirl begins throwing Lobo through walls because that's what Kryptonians do. You piss them off, they destroy property with your face. The only problem is that The Block where "Doctor" Veritas lives is kind of like a submarine except deep beneath the earth instead of deep beneath the sea. But just like a sub, it's straining against all kinds of pressures from every direction. You punch a hole in the wrong wall or take out a load bearing support and everybody is fucked! So "Doctor" Veritas decides Supergirl and Lobo need to be teleported elsewhere. Let somebody else pay for the damage they cause.

"Doctor" Veritas is a huge dick! She's supposed to be helping Supergirl but instead she's using her to get rid of her Lobo problem. And then when that goes wrong, she's just going to abandon her. If she had the power to teleport people out of The Block, why didn't she just do it earlier with just Lobo? I hope Blaze wrecks her fucking toilet. And I don't mean cracks the porcelain. You know what I mean! Like an old woman that just had some bad seafood losing her insides in the Women's Bathroom in Sears.

So every time somebody told me I hit like a girl, that was a compliment? Because I was as strong as a Kryptonian?! Then why was I always running off in tears?

Once "Doctor" Shay teleports her destructive guests out of The Block and back to Antarctica, Twat Lobo manages to get back inside his ship. That's when he begins trying to talk Supergirl down from the rage-cliff she's on. And he actually makes some good points that might not actually be good but they're pointing out that "Doctor" Veritas is a dick, so I agree with them! Lobo leads Supergirl back to New York because he believes she won't destroy New York in her zeal to kill him. But he's wrong! He really doesn't know Kryptonians at all! Superman levels whole sections of Metropolis on a daily basis! Which is strange when you realize that at any time, Supes can usually grab up the bad guy, use his super-speed, and carry them away to an unpopulated wasteland like how he did with Jonah Hex. I think vandalism gets his dick hard.

Twat Lobo tells Kara that she shouldn't be what "Doctor" Veritas wants her to be and that she should be what Twat Lobo wants her to be: his partner!

That may have been the wrong debate tactic.

The good news so far is that Lobo has yet to be sorry not sorry!

Meanwhile a block away, Siobhan somehow doesn't notice how sexy hot her new roommate is. For some reason, they aren't totally making my sexist male fantasies come true! You know the ones. The ones where they order a pizza and leave the apartment so I can eat in peace? Instead, Siobhan hears a familiar "BOOM" and thinks, "That's the sound of my best friend in the world greeting somebody's face!" So she ditches her roommate to check on her Bestie.

Siobhan probably isn't faster than a Red Lantern Ring so she might not make it in time to tell Supergirl that they're still friends. Supergirl still believes that Siobhan abandoned her for no good reason. But that's only because Supergirl wanted to tell Siobhan that she was dying from Kryptonite poisoning (Supergirl, not Siobhan! Duh!) but Siobhan was too busy to listen. She was only trying to stop her apartment from being flooded in shit water. And it's not like Kara tried very hard to talk about it. She just thought, "Poor me. I'm going to die and my best friend doesn't care because I haven't told her yet but she really should know and since she doesn't and her apartment really fucking smells like shit, I'm just going to go out into space and die." So Siobhan doesn't even know that Supergirl is miffed at her!

As Supergirl flips the fuck out like her cousin from another Earth, the Red Lantern Ring tells her that she belongs to something. She has a family somewhere. And they're all completely insane. But at least she belongs. Seriously. If you can't trust a flying animated red ring that speaks English, who can you trust? Certainly not your old best friend that cares more about shit stains than you.

I have a feeling Siobhan is going to be dealing with more shit stains.

Supergirl #28 Rating: +3 Ranking. It was mostly just lots of fighting but most of that fighting was Twat Lobo getting his ass kicked. That's always a good thing. And Siobhan has returned and that's a good thing too. And Siobhan's roommate...holy fuck! I bet she orders good pizza!