The Authority Annual 2000: Devil's Night (December 2000)

Is Devil's Night a gay sex thing?

Neither Warren Ellis nor Mark Millar wrote this annual. It was written by Joe Casey whom I don't know much about but according to Google Image Search, has never taken a photograph without sunglasses on. According to Wikipedia, he has a ton of credits across all the mainstream and indie publishers. This is the first comic book I've ever read by him (or re-read by him. None of my 4000 or so reviews have a "Joe Casey" label) and it's an annual so I won't judge him too harshly if it's shit. How many comic book writers ever give their A-game when writing an annual? The annual gigs are usually reserved for new writers and guys desperate for a little extra cash working on a project that nobody expects to change the comic scene. Like this one: it's either a story about Apollo and Midnighter egging houses or Apollo and Midnighter in a five-way with a zombie little leaguer, a zombie accountant, and a zombie bicyclist.

God I hope they're egging houses!

The issue begins with The Engineer alerting everybody that they have a Speedster on board.

If she was one of you, knocking her unconscious would be for what? Pay?

I don't understand what the Speedster is getting at other than he has determined that Swift is not a freak. But why he's killing her for sport, I don't know. What's the alternative if she were one of him? I could proclaim that I'm too ignorant to comprehend the statement but I'd rather, in a slight change of pace from my usual form, blame Joe Casey. Maybe take off your sunglasses and do a re-read of your script, pal!

I don't mind speaking rudely to Joe Casey because I'm only speaking to the shadow of Joe Casey projected onto the walls of my mind who's composed entirely of sunglasses, bro attitude, and my spite. Why my spite? Because I'm a bitter piece of shit! Duh.

Meanwhile in Siberia, a massive Communist ship breaks out of the ice. I'm assuming it's Communist because it has red stars on it. Red stars = Communism. Blue stars = Cowboys.

Double meanwhile (unless going back to the first synopsis should be prefaced with some other introductory clause like "Back on The Carrier" or "Returning to that other nonsense Joe Casey was writing"), let me start this paragraph over.

Returning to that other nonsense Joe Casey was writing, another dead super hero arrives on The Carrier. His name is Amaze and his super power is run-of-the-mill homophobia.

This guy calling men "girls" as an insult probably gets super triggered by people who declare their pronouns.

I'm a man and I live most of my life by asking the question, "What Would Sailor Moon Do?" So if somebody calls me a girl, my eyes turn into big, pink hearts, I squeal, "Thank you!", and I fall in love with them forever. Which is also the reaction I have when somebody casually calls me "Brother"! I contain multitudes! If "two" is a multitude, anyway.

Amaze sounds like MAGA after Trump was elected. Before 2016, there were generally, "Man, I hate the gays! But it's wrong to openly hate and beat them!" Then after 2016, they were all, "Oh! People love homophobia and hatred! I can tweet homophobic slurs from my Twitter account with my real name!" And later they were all, "What are these consequences? Why does my family hate me? Where's my free speech?" Then they began wearing swastikas and claiming that the Left made them into a Nazi. Just real stand-up people, you know?

I don't know who Amaze and that speedster are because I have zero knowledge of the Wildstorm Universe. And judging by Amaze's initial reaction to Apollo and Midnighter, I'm happy to be ignorant of it.

I'm sure Joe Casey is just really good at writing to create such a monotonous homophobe. His bro glasses in every single picture ever probably have nothing to do with that.

Amaze throws Midnighter through a window on The Carrier and into the screaming abyss. Is Amaze that strong or is Midnighter that dense? I bet if Midnighter just leans against a window in The Carrier, he could crash right through it. Even if The Carrier's windows are super strong to prevent exploding into the void of The Bleed every time it travels. That's just how bad-ass Midnighter is.

Apollo flies into the screaming abyss to save Midnighter while Amaze calls them Pippi Longstockings or something.

"Bye you gays!"

The rest of The Authority have already left The Carrier to deal with the massive Communist ship I mentioned earlier. I don't think this story is that important based on the cover. I think it's just an excuse to leave Apollo and Midnighter alone to battle homophobic zombie super heroes.

Oh, I forgot about Swift. I always forget about Swift. Usually as a joke though. This time, I really forgot about her.

Swift kills the speedster by flying into its path as it runs in circles super fast around The Carrier's caged baby universe. A speedster should never die this way. If a speedster can be killed by somebody stepping out in front of them as they run, then speedster should be dying all the time by running into buses or just crashing into walls because they couldn't turn a corner quickly enough. The whole point of a speedster is that they react faster than everybody else in the world. Swift stepping out in front of him should look like a slow motion bird person walking slowly into this speedster's way and he should easily step aside. Unless? Is Swift named Swift because she's also super fast? Because then it's more like two people walking at normal speed who do that thing where they both step to the same side as they try to walk around each other. Except really fast and they actually do collide and Swift's sharp feet tear the fucker in two. Except I don't think she's actually that fast. I think Joe Casey was too busy checking out his reflection in his mirrored sun glasses in the reflection of the mirror he was looking into and not busy enough satisfying the Internet reviewer with the worst, most bitter, and pickiest takes on the stories he reads. How dare he not think about my reaction?!

After killing the speedy intruder, Swift tries to Door out to St. Petersburg to help but is attacked by some zombie Green Lantern character.

That's a terrible Lantern oath.

Maybe I was wrong about the Communist ship. It seems to be manned by zombies so it might be part of the same attack force.

Living, undead, it doesn't matter. If you've got a spine, Jack'll kick it out of your torso.

Apollo and Midnighter re-board The Carrier just in time for Amaze to call Apollo a "Mary." Where does he come up with these witticisms?! Amaze accidentally mentions pain which gives Midnighter a massive erection and the opportunity to go into his "You think you know pain? You don't know me!" schtick. Midnighter decapitates him with one punch before pushing him out of The Carrier's broken window. That decapitation doesn't count toward the regular series' Decapitation Counter because that's for Mark Millar specifically and not The Authority in general.

Jack Hawksmoor discovers the Communist ship was decommissioned in 1955. Before that, it had been created as a deterrent. What happened in 1955 that the soviets decided they didn't need it anymore? I mean, who was it created to deter also? That was the main question, I think. Because whoever it was meant to deter must be back for it to come back from the dead to deter that person.

Coincidentally and maybe not having anything to do with Jack's question, some blue and gold wearing super person emerges from the deserts of New Mexico. Does this have something to do with Roswell? Oh. No, it's just some super duper arms race where America created a guy named Adam Bomb and the Soviets created a massive ship to murder him. As for the other guys, I don't know. Are they some kind of Justice Society knock-offs?

Angie tries to enter Adam Bomb because doing that will give her some information or something? Seems weird. But Adam isn't into her non-consensual penetration and he blows up in a huge mushroom cloud. Or orgasms? I don't know. I've seen that orgy episode of The Boys. Supers are into weird shit.

Apollo blows the ship up not just in St. Petersburg's airspace but basically in the streets of St. Petersburg. No thought to what might happen when it blows up. Luckily nothing does happen because this is an annual and you can't have events in the annual affecting events in the regular series! Who needs Russia upset at The Authority for blowing up St. Petersburg after Apollo flew through the contained Baby Universe in Russia's version of The Carrier? Obviously that didn't happen. The ship blows up politely, doing very little damage to buildings that hadn't already been damaged by the zombie crew.

Adam Bomb didn't blow himself up. That's just his power. Builds up a charge, blows up, repeat. All in the name of freedom. He's an unwilling accomplice though. The Authority decide that instead of ending his life, they'll show mercy and biologically casterate him.

Yes, casteration. Admit it. You thought I was the idiot, didn't you?! Jerk!

Oh wait. They do murder him. They just did the casteration so they could have time to kill him. It's okay though because he begged for it!

I guess the other hero zombies were all old members of Stormwatch? Or just some of Bendix's goons? Like I said, I don't know shit about Wildstorm.

Joe Casy's lucky I don't rate annuals. I shouldn't even rate the regular comics either but it's the thinnest thread I can think of to keep my rambling blog posts attached to the concept of a "review." I guess "Devil's Night" was a big Wildstorm annual event where the dead came back in the annuals of all the regular Wildstorm comics. Too bad I have no idea what the fuck just happened!

Convergence: The Question #2

Brrrrt!

That caption was a fart noise. It's also the noise my high school dungeonmaster used to make whenever he was leaving. Or making a pizza. Or rolling dice. Or, and I'm just extrapolating here from prior evidence, fucking somebody.

When we last left The Question asking questions like "Who am I?" and "Why is Two-Face so mean to me?", she had just teamed up with Batwoman and The Huntress. I think they want Two-Face to join their group so they can call their team TBQH, or "To Be Quite Honest." Unless they'd rather be known as QHTB, or "Quit Humping The Bagels."

Now that we've caught up to The Question, she's asking more philosophical questions like "If we're all going to die in the end, why do we bother?" She states it as "If life is conflict, why do we bother?" You know why we bother? Because we were born without any regard to our choice in the matter and lived long enough to become aware of our mortality. That causes us to realize we'd rather struggle and mourn and lose love and curl up on the floor in a ball crying our eyes out over a dead pet and stub our toes and get cavities and struggle with breast cancer than to not exist at all. Even persons of faith fear death because no matter how much you declare your faith is strong because it's basically a sin to not have faith, there's constantly a small doubt that your beliefs are based on bullshit. Or, and this might actually be scarier to those of a religious bent, that you didn't impress your god enough and will be spending eternity being punished for that brief faltering of your faith. We struggle with all of the bullshit because it's better than not being here.

At least, that's how most people feel. People do choose to kill themselves. And whether it's a trick of their brain chemistry that duped them into believing non-existence would be better than struggling or if they were simply and truly tired of the quagmire of life, they still, somehow, face the dissolution of their ego into the void of eternity and take the bravest (or most illogical (or, perhaps, sickest)) choice anybody can make. I'm tired of a lot of it. But I can't imagine be so tired that I choose to never be able to imagine anything ever again.

The Question will probably come up with something more optimistic like we put up with the struggle for love and family and friends and j;mily.... Whoops! Sorry! I couldn't help making jerk off motions with my hand and it fucked up my typing. If you're Batman or Sherlock Holmes, you now know which hand I use to masturbate.

No bickering! There's plenty of Question to go around.

Two-face is busy recruiting gang members to follow him into battle to defeat the other Two-face. I wonder if the other Two-face's face will be a mirror image of this Two-face's face? Or maybe the Harvey Dent he has to battle never had acid thrown in his face at all!

The Question continues her internal monologue about shit that relates to her dying father. That previous stuff about why do we struggle? That was about her dying father (and the human condition as a whole but, I mean, that's just because her father's struggle with cancer is just one example of what he all ultimately have to face). Then that thing about keeping a sense of humor? About her dying father. Now she's thinking about a guy named Charlie she knew who died badly of cancer which makes her think about dying with no regrets. I have a feeling she's going to say some shit about dying with regrets that I previously said in my Convergence: Atom #1 commentary.

Renee calls people who die with no regrets "stupid." I called them "lying, soon-to-be-dead assholes." We petty much agree!

The Question tracks her Harvey to the Gotham Courthouse where he's confronting other Harvey. Other Harvey's face is pristine. I bet he still doesn't call himself stupid like "One-Face." Fucking David Finch. That was the worst ending of all the first issues of The New 52!

The Question's Harvey asks Other Harvey if he can still tell right from wrong and tosses him his coin. Other Harvey says he tries to tell right from wrong but unless you're Ayn Rand or a fan of hers, you understand the majority of the world is grey. Or gray. Which is right?!

I suppose Post-Zero Hour Harvey Dent can lose his battle (you know, by shooting himself in the face) and it won't mean the end of Post-Zero Hour Gotham. Since so many people are fighting, it must be a final tally of fights won which indicates which city survives. Of course Renee isn't going to let any such thing happen. Not on her, and her ex-girlfriend's and "roommate's," watch.

Sex with a roommate isn't sex! It's just part of the chore wheel.

Renee walks in on the Harveys engaged in a legal discussion about the right to kill to save their cities. Is it defense? Or is it murder? It's the court case of the century! Whatever century they're in. But ultimately, Harvey is simply trying to convince Other Harvey why Other Harvey should be the one to live. This isn't murder at all; it's suicide.

Except that Renee jumps in front of Harvey Dent as Other Harvey pulls the trigger and takes the bullet herself.

Ouch. My heart. And my penis! Stupid tight boxers.

Renee's suit was made out of Kevlar so she's just fine. And even better now that she and Kate are kissing again. And she'll be even betterer later when they do whatever it is lesbians do with each other. Watch action flicks?

Harvey asks Renee, "What do I do now?" First off, you stop looking at the Question for answers! Ha ha! No, but seriously, Renee answers, "Be the good man." Then she leaves with her ex-roommate and her girlfriend while Harvey stand staring at his coin on the floor. I guess he's paralyzed by the choice about whether he should pick it up or not since it's on the floor and he can't flip it to determine if he should pick it up.

Afterward, Renee goes to visit her father and I don't feel a thing and you have to believe me because there isn't video evidence of my tears.

He's so fucked up on morphine that he probably forgot she was gay.

The issue ends with Renee realizing life is about the conflict and about the questions and about making mistakes and about getting the chance to make them right again. She also winds up with Two-Face's coin, so I guess he's gone on the straight and narrow. Or maybe he's just advanced to a six-sided die.

After Other Harvey shot Renee, he was sucked into a vortex. Is that because he was deemed the winner even though nobody died? Telos is a pretty shitty judge if that's the case. Maybe he was deemed the loser because he shot the wrong person and didn't kill them and no fight really took place! Whatever happened, it didn't matter because the Convergence shit was just an excuse for Greg Rucka to write this story about love and reconciliation and regrets and homophobic fathers.

Convergence: The Question #2 Rating: After reading this issue, I see how the first issue was as much of a set-up as it needed to be to truly tell this story. But the heart of this two issue series was in this issue. The Convergence stuff didn't matter at all. It just formed the set and the location for this story to take place. It even ends without any resolution to the Convergence fight which is just fine by me. That crap will probably be settled unsatisfyingly in the pages of the Convergence weekly. I'm sure everybody will wind up living together in some kind of peace and harmony on this world or, perhaps, all of their universes will suddenly exist within the non-space and non-time of the planet Telos and the Bleed. Anyway, this was a terrific story and I can't imagine any of the other Convergence stories will be better so I'm ranking it as the best of them all! I doubt I'll cry twice during any other books. Theoretically!

Divergence: Starfire

The new Starfire monthly is going to be written by Jimmy Palmiotti and Amanda Conner while being drawn by Emanuela Lupacchino and inked by Ray McCarthy. I think I just came in my pants like eight times. That's a good fucking team right there!

The sneak peek begins with Gen 13 answering an unasked question to an unknown person. It's quite obvious (and not meant to be a super secret mystery) that the person asking the question was Starfire and the question was, "Where should I live, Gen-13?!" Other people Starfire consults? Roy Harper. Tim Drake. Essence. Zatanna. And Cheshire, for some reason. Maybe she's been captured by Cheshire in that last panel and decided to pick her brain before she escapes.

She's obviously going to pick Metropolis! That's where solar-charged hero's live!

Starfire heads to Metropolis but to ask Superman for advice since he's an alien as well. She mentions she has no interest in being a super-hero and I still really have no clue as to why she was "an outlaw" over in that other shitty and forgettable comic book she starred in.

Starfire might fit in in Miami! Or, being she has orange skin, the Jersey shore!

I'm glad she didn't ask Batman.

Starfire's choice of places to live is Key West. And her first friend is Sheriff Gomez! Although Sheriff Gomez doesn't quite know it yet. To be continued in Starfire #1, yo!

Convergence: The Question #1

Am I remembering correctly? Renee was into hot stripper butt action, right?

I don't have anything insightful to say about Renee Montoya or her history as The Question or Greg Rucka as a writer. I read the collected "52" series years ago while not reading any other comics except trades of Fables and Walking Dead. So that series informed most of what I knew for a long time about DC Comics in the years I wasn't reading them. The only other thing I knew during those years was that the Green Lanterns kept getting sucked into one crossover after another and the series probably didn't pick up a new reader for six or seven years because it was so fucking convoluted.

Maybe I'm wrong about that. But what kind of fucking American would I be if I went around expressing wishy-washy opinions?! If you can't be intelligent, correct, well researched, or witty, be adamant! America!

This is the exact opposite summation about Gotham that we got from Roy Harper! Roy must live in a gentrified neighborhood.

Two-Face is currently kicking the shit out of three people guarding a safe in a pharmacy. The place has been cleaned out because I guess some people in Gotham (the middle class ones!) continued to pretend like nothing was wrong and kept going to work while other people (the poor ones!) robbed the shit out of everything and some people (the rich one!) continued to put on a bat suit and run around all night. I wonder how long it took for all of the condoms to be stolen? Does Planet Brainiac supply condoms because I feel like those are a necessity.

I bet Harvey Dent would be surprised to find out he's dead! That's another reason this universe needs to exist. That McKillallthethings girl hasn't quite caught on like she should have. Maybe she should start a gang with The White Rabbit. Holy shit! I'd read that comic book! Fuck it. I'm going to write that comic book. But I think I'll write it as a comic strip. And I'll probably just write like three strips. Who am I kidding? If I write and draw one strip, I'll be surprised.

Maybe Renee Montoya could be part of their gang. The Question, Two-Face, and the White Rabbit. I can call the comic "What's up, Doc?" Is Erin a doctor because the name doesn't really work otherwise.

Speaking of Renee, she's getting help from Two-Face. Probably because between the two of them, that makes two faces! Well, not right now it doesn't. But you know what I mean!

I guess something happened to her dad!

Montoya delivers the morphine to the hospital and her father gets the first dose because fuck all the children that probably need it. She risked her life and, more importantly, had to look at the gross half of Two-Face's face to secure the drugs.

Renee is living with Helena Bertinelli. Not the Helena Bertinelli that wants to be smothered by Dick Grayson's ass! That's the reboot version. This is the one that is the other one! She's concerned that Renee is working with Two-Face.

So she keeps asking the only real question too? "Who am I?!" I guess The Question only manifests in insecure hosts.

As The Question, Renee goes out to visit Two-Face who is undergoing his ritual of making one of the most important decisions that a teenager can make. Of course he lets his coin decide and it, once again, decides he shouldn't shoot himself in the good half of his face. He'll have to wait until Barry Allen fucks up the timeline before his coin will fall the other way.

Harvey's coin has been coming up non-scarred side ever since the dome covered the city. I guess probability has taken a turn toward the predictable here on Planet Brainiac. Or maybe Planet Brainiac is just providing Harvey with what he needs. If you always know the coin is going to come up heads, doesn't that mean you're in control of every question you ask it? I suppose that would be true if he didn't project the good choice on to the non-scarred side and the evil choice onto the scarred side. So really he's just been forced to be a good man for the last year.

And then the voice speaks and Harvey decides he's ready to take part in Multiversal Thunderdome and he wants to lose. He flips his coin, it lands scarred side up (or he pretends it does and makes his own decision because he's free of the dome), and knocks Renee out. She comes to later with The Huntress standing over her with an "I told you so" and a surprise. She brought a friend to help stop Harvey.

This issue just went Teen Plus!

Convergence: The Question #1 Rating: "One inevitable conclusion"? Three way, right? Is that the inevitable conclusion? That's the inevitable conclusion I'm always looking forward to. Convergence: The Titans #2 will be Roy, Kory, and Donna in a big naked heap. Convergence: Superman #2 will be Lois, Superman, and Flashpoint Superman in The Phantom Bone. Convergence: Speed Force #2 will wind up with Fastback, Barry, and Diana performing a three way quickie. The other titles I don't believe will have three way sex at all. They're all going to have four way sex! Two Hawkmen, Nightwing, and Oracle. Steph, Cass, Tim, and Catman. Batman, his son, Red Hood, and Scarlet. Poison Ivy, Harley Quinn, Catwoman, and Captain Carrot. Aquaman, Mera, Zatanna, Supergirl, Jesse Quick, Congorilla, Jade, and Vixen. Oh! I'm looking forward to that one the most!

Futures End #21

From this point on, I will no longer be calling any archer in the DC Universe a super hero.

Last issue, Red Robin pretended to be caught breaking into the offices of The Fast Lane by Lois Lane. He was all, "Whoops! How did I not know that you were still in the offices when I am nearly the smartest person in DC Comics and I once discovered Batman's secret identity although I really didn't but then Scott Lobdell rewrote the story for Secret Origins so that it seemed like I knew who Batman was all along because Scott Lobdell likes to pretend he had plans to do things differently when fans tell him that the way he originally did them sucked. Then he writes a new story that reveals that his old story wasn't the entire truth and the new story is the way the fans wanted it. And then he says, 'See? Now you have crow's eggs on your faces because you did not trust me and my far reaching plots which reveal themselves in ridiculous ways but eventually show that I didn't really mean for Starfire to be a cum dumpster or for Tim Drake to be stupid or for Tim Drake to actually be Robin even or for the Teen Titans to have already existed before they even actually New 52 existed or for...well, I could go on like this forever but you get my point!'"

I forget the point Red Robin was trying to make to Lois Lane before Scott Lobdell interrupted so now I have to start over.

Forget about Red Robin and Lois Lane. That story isn't going anywhere unless they begin fucking. Let's remember together where Deathstroke and Grifter were! No wait, they were on Cadmus Island. That hasn't changed for dozens of issues. I actually don't think I need to recap anything because then I'd just be repeating all of my recaps from the last twenty commentaries because the plot on this thing moves slower than a snail crapping molasses.

Your army of archers? Get out of there, Barda! You're just going to wind up carrying them all! And Green Arrow will take all the credit! And he'll steal your technology for Q-Core! Unless it's Q-Corps! Maybe it's Cuke-Whore?

Red Arrow, who didn't die over in Earth 2 even though he was dead over in Earth 2, tells the story about the war that's been referenced multiple times in the last twenty issues. Earth 2 was overrun by Apokolips forces, so a bunch of ships full of Twofer heroes and civilians escaped to The New 52 Earth. But they were followed by parademons! New Earthers were all, "Oh man! Fuckin' dicks! Don't drag your shit onto our doorstep!" Although some New Earthers weren't total dicks and were actually super heroes (not Green Arrow, Roy Harper, or Emiko), so they decided to help battle the parademons (with the help of Green Arrow, Roy Harper, and Emiko). And I guess they won even though they suffered terrible happiness like most of the Teen Titans being killed. Big Barda thought Mister Miracle was killed early in the conflict but Emiko has told her different. So Barda is kind of impatient with Red Arrow telling her the story that she already knows.

I'm a little impatient as well! Most of this comic book has now been simply putting all of the various references to the war into a linear story. Does DC Comics think we're morons? They already told us this shit and we, the most intelligent readers of comic books ever (that includes most of the people that read this blog. Most! All of you that I don't mean, you don't know who you are because you're so fucking stupid. Ha ha! Stupids! All of you that are smart enough to know that you're not a stupid dumb dumb, point and laugh at the stupids with me! No wait! Don't! That's mean! I would never do that! I mean, starting from this moment where I just realized it was mean, I will never do that!) have already pieced this story together! So hopefully Green Arrow has something fantastic to say before the story gets to some good old fashioned fucking!

What is old fashioned fucking? Sepia toned fucking in dirty Victorian rags? Or just looking suggestively at somebody's ankle from across an empty room where proper decorum dictates the sexes remain separate. Lucky Victorian homosexuals! I mean, lucky right up until Oscar Wilde over played his hand and ruined it for everybody! Not that I'm blaming Oscar Wilde for the uptight bigotry of the closeted people of power which turned the fear of penises touching into a complete loss of male intimacy which eventually turned most men into obnoxious dudebros! Don't try to deconstruct me into being a victim blaming asshole, you opportunistic piece of righteous wrath and perfection! Stop trying to make me look bad by purposefully misunderstanding me!

See? Just like I typed earlier! I knew New Earthers were jerks! I mean, I was only guessing before! But now that I have proof, I knew it all along.

After the war, Green Arrow began investigating the government agency that demanded Twofers carry ID cards and obey a curfew. It was probably run by Sloan and Sloan! But during his investigations, he ran afoul of Deathstroke and met Red Arrow, his Christmas Doppelganger. Although I agree with Red Robin: he seems more like Speedy's doppelganger. Together, the Christmas Arrows discovered Brother Eye and a traitor named Maxwell Payne and, eventually, Cadmus. They knew Cadmus was collecting all the Twofer heroes and squirreling them away on a secret island. But Green Arrow knew he was no match for Deathstroke since Deathstork Deathstroke is a super hero and Green Arrow is just this guy, you know? So Green Arrow had to gather an army together to fight his war for him! His army was mostly just The Outsiders (not the awesome Outsiders with that cute little Halo and that hilarious Metamorpho and that cool dude Black Lightning and that motherly murderer, Katana...oh wait! Katana actually was in his Outsiders! But not the others!) and some normal, every day people that knew how to string a bow. But now that they have some actual muscle on their team (Big Barda!), they're ready to invade Cadmus!

But not yet because that story took up this whole issue. You'll have to wait a few more days to find out if Hawkman and Amethyst have Nth fucked. Unless you're relying on me to tell you about Issue #22. And then you'll have to wait a lot longer because I'm going to be in Denver for a week.

Futures End #21 Rating: No change.

Animal Man #26

On Earth 16, Darkseid is a goat.

As if Buddy Baker didn't already have enough shit raining down on his life already, now he has to deal with being teleported to a strange planet to help some aliens with a pest control problem? And, according to the cover, those pests are Darkseid Goatmen. Fuck, man. You find one Darkseid Goatman in your house, you've got thousands of Darkseid Goatmen in your house.

Hmm. Maybe one Darkseid Goatman is problem enough.

What is it with Animal Man's name that causes me to instantly start singing some song or jingle using his name? I understand the last couple of issues where I was singing Animal Man to the tunes of Spider-Man and Particle Man. But today I picked up the cover and started singing, "Animal Man! Animal Man! Break me off a piece of that Animal Man!" Really, Tess? The Kit Kat Jingle? I completely understand singing it to Spider-man because that theme song has been stuck in my head for over thirty years. On the way to get some Iced Tea a few days ago, I was walking along singing, "Man-Spider! Man-Spider! Does whatever a Ma-an does! Wears a suit! Goes to work! Walks around like a big old jerk! Look out! Here comes the Man-Spider!" But I don't normally wander about singing the Kit Kat song. I don't think. Holy shit. Maybe I do!

Soon, Animal Man finds himself fighting side by side with the aliens speaking in the crazy fonts against Darkseid Goatman. I wonder if these guys are with Justice League Canada?

Animal Man and his new alien buddies run for cover, hiding in a tiny cave which the gargantuan Darkseid Goatman cannot fit into. Buddy decides he should probably make friends with the other creatures trapped in the cave with him.

Why would you try to shake its hand? You just ripped off one of its tentacles with that hand! How does it not see this as a threatening gesture?! I would pull out my penis and swing it around to mime, "See? I've got tentacles too?!" No, on second thought, it might decide to get even and rip it off.

Animal Man uses his powers (his really kind of shitty and boring powers, actually. If I were Animal Man, I'd spend all day channeling a ferret so that everything I encountered all day long would be the most amazing fucking thing I'd ever discovered) to channel a Darkseid Goatman to defeat the Darkseid Goatman. And I guess he passed whatever fucking test he was yanked off of Earth to take because he's visited by a creature whose name translated into "Suck the Root."

I mean "Bridgewalker"!

I bet Bridgewalker's instagram is filled with pictures of his Starbuck's cups where they've spelled his unpronounceable name incorrectly. Do those pictures of Starbuck's cups with the purchaser acting indignant because their name is spelled wrong on the cup piss you off as much as they piss me off?! Who the fuck do people think they are nowadays? Is everybody some Goddamn royalty and we're all expected to know how their so fucking creative and imaginative parents spelled their name, as opposed to terminally guessing at that shit? You do know that names don't have a standard spelling and if you're pissed at the way your name is spelled on your cup, I guaran-fucking-tee you that your name isn't even close to the most used spelling variation and/or Michael! Stop acting as if people are idiots because they didn't know there were three fucking "Y"s in Bryttyny! By the way, if your name is spelled creatively, it's probably a sure sign that your name is the most creative thing your parents have ever done and they're completely fucking proud and smug about it. Get the fuck out of here with your baby names! I always wanted to name my kid Jack and spell it Xqkktvyxplf.

The name Bridgewalker sounds like the English translation of a euphemism for gay that's used by people in a foreign country. Like how in Germany one of their phrases for homosexual is "he's from the other side of the shore." Bridgewalker sounds maybe like its a literal translation of this alien race's slang for bisexual.

Bridgewalker goes into a long spiel about how Animal Man has now been chosen to be the next Bridgewalker on the Seed Planet which is the source of all the power behind the Red and the Green across the entire universe and how if the Seed Planet ever dies all life will die and how the Bridgewalker keeps it safe and blah blah fucking fuck me blah blah blah. It's all layers, man! You thought you were the shit master of everything, didn't you, Daddy-o? But nooooo! You later learned the Totems were the big boys on the block! But guess what?! Even they don't know that there's something greater! A living planet of semen, bitch! Your ass is now master of the Planet of Seed! Now keep it safe or else everybody in the universe will be shooting blanks when they orgasm and females will be releasing little shells of nothing into their uteri each month! Unless it works differently on other planets which why should it if there's a Master Seed Planet behind them all?! Right?

Maybe! But Buddy Baker responds with a "Fuck that shit!" and Bridgewalker is all, "NO?! Did you just refuse, motherfucker?!"

And then Bridgewalker is all, "Oh, yeah, I see your point. Fuck. Sorry, dude."

Buddy and Bridgewalker come to an understanding. If Buddy will just promise to give up everything at some random point in the future when The Bridgewalker dies to become the Bridgewalker's replacement, and if Buddy will drop some Cosmic Acid to become closer to The Universal Red, Buddy can return to Earth and save Maxine from Brother Blood. I guess that's a pretty good deal because Buddy was having a tough time getting back to the Red to help out and now The Bridgewalker gave him a direct access pass and dropped him right in Brother Blood's Totem Pal's Lap.

Animal Man #26 Rating: No change. Bridgewalker is a fucking idiot. He calls together a bunch of Green and Red Avatars from all over the Universe to fight in some kind of cosmic deathmatch to see who will replace him. And for some reason he calls Buddy and Buddy wins. Buddy isn't even an Avatar of the Red! He's just a chump! A tool! A nobody! It should have been Maxine that wound up on The Seed. I suppose news travels slowly in The Red and The Green since even The Seeder still thought Buddy was the Avatar when he decided to try to kill him. There might also be an age limit to live on a planet made of semen, eggs, seeds, and pollen. What if Buddy had allergies? I bet a visit to The Seed Planet would have made his head explode.

The Flash Annual #2

I'm finally getting around to reading this!

My next regularly scheduled issue is The Flash #23, so I figured I'd better work through the Annual really quickly and sloppily.

I know it exposes my lack of culture and sophistication and intellectual whatnot but I'm with Hal. Jazz is poo.

I don't know if my dislike for jazz makes me a cultural buffoon or the fact that I called it "poo" does, but I'm sure all y'all jazz fans would agree either way. I get the feeling people who enjoy ordered, well-organized life find something thrilling in jazz that us "fly by the seat of our pants" types, as Barry just said, simply find it annoying. Maybe it's just me. But I also suspect that there is a large amount of intellectual and cultural cache in the appreciation of jazz whether one actually likes it or not. Anyway, I can't believe I agree with Hal on something!

A few panels later, Barry and Hal have been teleported to Arena World where a race of squid-headed monstrosities (yes, that's my bias showing!) weirdly speak civilly to them instead of spraying ink out of their anuses and into the heroes' eyes. Apparently Hal made some kind of deal with the aliens years ago which Barry was not aware of. Par for the touchdown, as they say in the sportingses.

What all of this craziness amounts to is it's time for a Barry Allen flashback to when he and Hal first met and battled talking monkeys! I think. Isn't that how they were said to have met way back in an early issue of Justice League?

Kids were disappearing from group homes and, for some reason, Barry cared about it enough to try and stop it. It turns out Hal did as well. What are these guys? Children lovers? Ugh! The world could do without them!

Is this the first modern conflict between two super heroes! Historical!

Before the two guys actually throw a punch, a strange light appears in the building and the kids disappear. Green Lantern flies up and into a portal while Barry turns into The Flash and runs through just in time to learn about space aliens!

Hee hee. What a dumbass.

After the first batch of kids are saved, Hal Jordan reveals his identity to The Flash so that The Flash doesn't feel so badly. In these early days, secret identities didn't mean much, did they? Over there in the early issues of Justice League, Batman just comes right out and tells Green Lantern that he's Bruce Wayne. Man, what the fuck was that about? Did they edit that in the Trades? Because my mind is still reeling from that moment. Batman just giving it up like it was nothing! Of course, he also seems to have told The Joker who he was too. Maybe he secretly wants everybody to know the truth so he can win a Nobel Peace Prize. Although maybe they don't give out peace prizes if you've put 25% of the population of the city in the emergency room at some time or another.

The Flash and Green Lantern rescue all but three of the children. And then Barry makes them cry with his insensitive remarks.

They're orphans, dick. They don't have homes!

That was a joke, you humorless twats. Besides, they're not real children. They're just colored ink on paper. They're not really sad nor are they happy nor are they scared. So if you'd like to argue that they do indeed have a home and a family and that the other children are their family and the group home is their home, go right the fuck ahead because what the fuck do I care? They're just fictional children.

When Hal and Barry realize the final three children are on Arena World, Hal comes up with the probably the worst strategy ever considering their super powers. He decides that he, Green Lantern, will do "fast" and The Flash will do "safety." Hah! Batman would piss his pants with laughter! The most horrible use of resources ever!

Over on Arena World, the Squidlies are trying to convince one of their competitors that humans are well worth training because they're truly something special and can really rise to greatness. And then they see Hal Jordan, a human Green Lantern.

Way to stick by your ideals, assholes.

I suppose after Barry and Hal take all the kids back to Earth, Hal probably makes a deal with the Squidlies to fight their battle for them to save their inky race or something. I'm sure there's some noble reason in there somewhere.

Once the Squidlies see Hal and Barry fight, they put a stop to it and give back the last kids. Barry takes them back to Earth while Hal Jordan signs a horrible contract with the aliens.

So less like a wrestling Battle Royal and more like a Japanese movie Battle Royale.

The Flash and Green Lantern wind up being the last two standing. Does that mean they killed some of them? Or did they just let the other aliens kill each other? Is the difference just a matter of semantics? Perhaps Barry and Hal are okay with killing aliens if they aren't too humanoid looking? Anyway, they're the last two standing which means they're one too many. Hal is incapacitated to leave Barry alone to fight the champion. But for some reason, Barry's powers are fading while on Arena World. Is that because he needs to refuel at Cinnabon every few hours?

Oh, I guess this far into space, he begins to lose his connection to the Speed Force. Does that mean there is a Speed Force for every planet? Or is it just a strange anomaly built into the Earth?

As his power is fading, Hal Jordan suddenly remembers the cover of the comic book and gives his ring to Barry to wear. And thanks to Barry's Speed Mind power, he's able to quickly learn the workings of the ring and utilize it with great efficiency.

And extreme hilarity!

I don't know. Do you really need the universe's greatest weapon to tell you to attack the crotch? If aliens ever land on our planet and they're humanoid shaped and aggressive, I know where I'd first try kicking them. And I don't have a cosmic ring to advise me!

And then Barry and Hal go off to celebrate over some space beer and a back-up story!

The Flash Annual #2 Rating: Green Lanternificent! It was also nice to read something (the back-up story) without vomiting my opinion throughout. I should try that more often!