Teen Titans Spotlight #12: Wonder Girl

All Donna has to do is pretend that her grip slip and she's done with this jerk!

I'm spent with Teen Titans comic books. How many of these fucking things did I buy?! On a note that is neither negative nor positive, I discovered this site while looking to see if Earth-11 was really the home of DC's version of Tintin. This Deejay fucker is cuckoo nutso! Look at how many reviews they do every month! Not that they're really reviews although they are reviews in the same sense that my reviews are reviews. Meaning they aren't reviews at all. While I'd say I'm doing commentary on the comics (which means I can only write one per day at best before I want to blow my fucking brains out because I'm rereading shitty comic books I probably never should have even read once while my finite youthful days are quickly slipping away from me), Deejay seems to mostly be writing synopses of every issue they read. I'm going to go leave some comments for this poor lost soul! Maybe I'll sell them a joke or two while I'm at it. Those reviews need some punching up! Y'all should go visit the site and make friends too!

But then, maybe that's all people are looking for in comic book reviews? They just want the reviewer to get the fuck out of the way and just tell them what happened so they don't have to spend any money on the actual comic book. Boy, if that's the case, I've really gone way off the rails! Maybe I should try to just tell the facts and stop lying about plot points and scanning panels that make it seem like Phobia loves eating ass. Maybe I'm too entertaining to be an actual critic! Roger Ebert was too entertaining and look where it got him: jawless and dead! Although maybe he died because he was too erudite and intelligent! That would mean I'm going to live forever! Ha ha! Take that, you nerdy motherfucker!

Remember when Siskel and Ebert was called At the Movies? The show was so much better then because they barely had an audience. Roger could say how he liked the stupidest fucking movie ever and Gene would start making fart noises and jerk off motions. But then they got popular and realized they had to cater to the audience who wanted to hear smart opinions and only occasionally wanted to hear Gene call Roger a fat fuck. That's probably why I should never get popular! It would be an end to all of my fart noises and jerk off motions!

This issue begins with Donna Troy and Terry Long having breakfast together while discussing plans for an upcoming romantic vacation.

Like I'm going to believe Terry Long has any friends!

Look how excited Terry is to show Donna proof that he has a friend! What a sad sack of potatoes! He's worse than Ross from Friends!

Donna reads the letter and is all, "This sure looks like your handwriting, Terry." And Terry is all, "As Icki Mudd, I had to learn to write like Captain Midnight! For secret missions!" Donna fingers her lasso of truth while I get distracted from writing this dialogue because I used the verb fingered so here's there actual conversation which is practically the one I was going to write anyway.

Shit is going down!

This is really good Terry Long fan-fiction. Everybody reading comic books forever has always known that Terry Long is a piece of shit. But he's almost constantly written by Marv Wolfman, the one guy who thinks Terry Long is a fucking catch (if I don't say this in a parenthetical reference, somebody else will say it in the comments so "because Terry Long is totally Marv Wolfman"). Moench even makes a point of having Terry Long mention the book he's never going to finish because he keeps expecting Donna to help him with her knowledge of the ancient characters gained through personal relationships. I believe he even loses his professorship due to never finishing the book. And this is why! Because he was just using the idea of it as an excuse to go get drunk with an old friend and maybe jerk each other off like old times.

Arguments Over Breakfast Starring Donna and Terry. I could read an entire series of just this. It's delicious.

Donna walks over to Titans Tower to smash things in the Smash Things Simulator while thinking, "If this man I thought was a sensitive feminist is actually a fucking loser boy in a squishy man's body, what if all men are just as terrible?!" If Donna were a video game character, she would level up five times from this realization. Everybody is selfish but somehow men manage to be even more selfish than women. It's a pretty good feat and I don't know how they accomplish it. Being raised under the Patriarchy, I guess? "But not all men," think the men who are only thinking about themselves and how not selfish they are.

The problem is that Terry and Donna can spend a week fucking any time! But when is Terry going to get to fuck his old friend from childhood?! Practically never, that's when! How can Donna blame him for not wanting to miss this opportunity? Would she expect Terry to understand if she had to interrupt a blow job to go save the multiverse?! I don't know if the comparisons track logically but I don't have time to consider my words. Let's move on!

While Donna is away, Terry rushes off to El Salvador. I don't know how long Donna is working out her frustrations before she gets back home but it seems to already be too late. Somehow in that time, he's phoned a travel agent, purchased tickets, hailed a cab, got to the airport, waltzed through 1987 security, waited for the flight, boarded, waited on the tarmac due to engine trouble, had to deplane, boarded a new plane, and took off to El Salvador! Donna did have to spend a little time realizing there was a secret Captain Midnight message encoded in the letter that said, "Hey! Fuck up! Stop thinking about jerking me off, you gay! I've been kidnapped by drug lords! Send the Justice League!" but since she thinks, "Bingo! On the first try," after decoding it, I think she could have caught up with Terry at the airport.

Don't cancel me over the "you gay" bit in the message from Terry's friend. Remember that they were best friends and this is 1987. We're lucky the entire letter wasn't homosexual references!

Once Terry gets to El Salvador, he finds out that his friend, Dennis Heiman, hasn't been in his hotel for a week. So being the great explorer he totally knows he is, Terry marches off into the jungle to find his friend.

"Sure, it's almost certainly a path created by a dangerous creature or armed drug lords but on the super off-chance it is Denny's path, won't he be fucking surprised!"

Terry Long gets caught by some drug lords and now Donna has to save him. Oh man is she going to have some great ammunition for their next fight over breakfast!

Wait. Do they have a running argument about which one of them is most like Tarzan? I just learned more than I wanted about their sex life.

Terry runs for his life while Donna deflects bullets. She doesn't strategically let one that will hit him in the ass get by because she's a better spouse than I would be. But Terry still pays for his matrimonial crimes when he falls in a pit. The good guys with guns who are only running drugs and making their community a dangerous hellhole because they live in poverty run away when they realize that their guns aren't killing Wonder Girl like they're supposed to. What good is a gun if it can't kill the person who should keep minding their own business instead of ruining your livelihood?! Stupid assault rifles!

Now that all the people who love guns more than anything aren't reading this because I used the term "assault rifle," it's time for cupcakes! I wish I could pass out cupcakes online. Nothing would bring me more joy than denying people I don't agree with cupcakes. Oh, except maybe the cupcake!

Donna follows Terry down the hole and thinks, "Why is this pit here? Oh, I bet it was a secret passageway Mayan priests used to reach the temples and make their 'magical' appearances." So she already knows more about Mayans than Terry does. She realized Terry isn't going to be able to finish the book no matter what the subject is so she's already begun research on the new project he just proposed over that morning's breakfast. But what she finds at the other end of the tunnel is disturbing (but for Marv Wolfman only).

Is this what people online call "fan service"?

I just tore out the last eight pages of the comic book. Does that make the death of Terry Long canon?

Teen Titans Spotlight #12: Wonder Girl: A+! I can't believe it! The death of Terry Long! What a bold move to place in an ancillary Teen Titans series! This issue must be worth five figures! Mostly because I have the only copy. It really does read better if you stop at page fourteen. Because who wants to read page fifteen where Terry has to explain to Donna why he hid in the Mayan Beheaded Magic Trick Box? I mean Illusion Box. I bet he was thinking, "Just wait until Donna sees me dead! Then she'll be sorry for getting upset with my misogyny over breakfast! That'll show her! Man, I'm really hard right now!"

Notice how Donna destroys the guns after saying, "Murderers." Checkmate people who say guns don't kill people, people kill people.

Donna might also have killed the guys holding the guns. It's hard to tell because the coloring of the dimly lit cave might just be obscuring the blood and brains that are almost certainly leaking from their bodies. Maybe Batman couldn't kill Joker even after Joker killed Robin but Donna's no Batman. Of course, Terry Long is no Robin (even a Jason Todd Robin). So is he worth Donna killing for? It's a philosophical conundrum that most people will conclude "no" is the proper answer almost immediately. So I might have used the word "conundrum" too rashly.

Terry accidentally became trapped in the Mayan Illusion so I guess Donna can't be too angry at him.

Okay, now she can be mad at him.

It looks like Donna's flashing Terry in the above image and he totally frightened by what he's seeing. It is now canon that Wonder Girl's lady parts have blistered tentacles and maybe a small beak.

I don't understand Terry's line about girls wearing girdles. Is it a feminist saying? Maybe he just made it up in his terror at seeing her squawking nether regions?

The drama isn't finished even though I finished my review a few paragraphs ago. When it becomes so intense that Terry and Donna believe their lives might actually be in danger, the story gets really fucking disgusting.

Oh god. I did not need the image of Terry's boner rubbing against Donna's thighs as he smears his filthy facial hair all over her iron face.

I was being less disgusting than the actual panel by suggesting he was just rubbing his cock against her through their clothing. Upon rereading those narration boxes, I think they actually just fucked. "No time for tenderness" has to be code for a quickie, right? I think the next page is proof of that theory:

Terry puts his dick away as Donna thanks him for the "we almost died" sex. Of special note: Terry thinks you can start a campfire with a condom.

Donna kills a bunch of drug lords in a fiery explosion but she says "They probably all got knocked out by the shockwave!" to assuage her guilty conscience. She's definitely read Batman's best selling book, One Thousand Ways to Convince Yourself and Others That You've Never Killed Anybody. While a lot of the reasons are "If doctors didn't stop the internal bleeding in time, maybe the violent thug should have purchased better insurance that allowed for a better hospital with a more competent staff" and "Dying of complications from losing a spleen to a batarang are completely the fault of the person who didn't take the proper care for a person who is living without a spleen," quite a few of the reasons boil down to "Did you see anybody dead that couldn't have more probably been unconscious when you left the scene? Because I sure didn't and I have bat eyes!" Batman then had to release a follow-up novel due to the reaction of his book on Twitter. He called it, Contrary to Popular and Stupid Opinions, Bats Actually Have Great Eyesight.

Anyway, they save Terry's best friend who isn't imaginary at all.

While hanging out with Terry, Donna often entertains herself by thinking stupid jokes.

Teen Titans Spotlight #12: Wonder Girl Rating: F! Terry didn't die after all! Poop!

Doomed #4

Poor Wonder Girl! She thought she was free from being written by Lobdell!

Last night I put away my huge stack of comic books from the last few months. I also reorganized the six short boxes which housed the current DC titles (along with a bunch that had been cancelled since last I put comic books away). I used two of the boxes to to hold cancelled titles and four of the boxes for the current titles. When I was done, I was left with a stack of comic books twice as tall as when I had begun! I think I broke some laws of physics last night!

Before I begin commenting on Doomed, let me present a cheat sheet for how I'm discussing it so that anybody reading this isn't confused. This is obviously Scott Lobdell's DC version of Spider-man. So I'll be calling the main character Peter and his monstrous alter-ego, Doomed-man. The girl he works with at STAR Labs is Mary Jayne (I think her real name is Jayne?). The homeless girl he almost had sex with is Gwen. And his old, decrepit aunt is, of course, Aunt May. I just wanted everybody to understand this so they didn't accidentally think I was doing reviews on Marvel comics which would negate my exclusivity contract with DC Comics and kill my Mountain Dew endorsement deal.

The comic book begins with Doomed-man being punched over and over again by Wonder Girl. The action scene is ruined by Doomed-man thinking too many poorly written thoughts to himself. He thinks things like "That hurt. A lot" and "This girl is hardcore" and "She punches like she's got two battleships taped to her wrists!" That last one was so clever that it needed an exclamation point. What kind of horrible, awful, sexually harassing editor who loves to blackmail people would allow this kind of shoddy writing to make it to publication?

This would reflect poorly on Wonder Girl's character if she had even just once since The New 52 began acted heroically.

This scene began with a "NOW" caption so I'm afraid I'm going to be forced to read the situation that led up to this battle that means nothing. Why are Wonder Girl and Doomed-man fighting? No reason! It's not like it's going to move any kind of plot along because the fight between them is, most likely, the entire plot. So sit back and enjoy a bit of story which probably took less time for Scott Lobdell to write than it takes for Eddie Berganza to come in his pants while rubbing up against women at the crowded office Christmas party.

The flashback comes (just like Eddie on a crowded subway!) just as the fight between Doomed-man and Wonder Girl was not getting any more interesting. One half hour earlier, Peter decided it would be a good idea to ring Aunt May's doorbell while still looking like Doomed-man. I bet he gets hit with a purse! Or a broom!

Doomed-man doesn't actually reveal himself to Aunt May. He chickens out at the last instant and heads over to the abandoned amusement park. Metropolis sure has a lot of abandoned places to not bring your kids. A zoo last issue and now a park. I bet the Collateral Superman Damage Insurance was just too expensive and shut a lot of places down.

Don't worry, Peter. You'll only have to put up with this crap for a couple more issues. And then you'll cease to exist because who the fuck is going to care about this character ever reappearing in the DC Universe?

Doomed-man blows his load and creates a huge crater in the abandoned amusement park. Since his transformations take place when he gets sexually excited, it only makes sense that he turns back into Peter after he orgasms. He passes out in his "webstuff" and is then approached by Gwen. She speaks "monstre" to him (that's the stupid name of the stupid language that Peter suddenly knows how to speak as Doomed-man) and he transforms back into a naked boy.

This is about par for Wonder Girl's characterization since the Reboot. So unlikeable!

At the end of the last issue, The Elite arrived to help take care of the Metropolis Monster. But being that Scott Lobdell simply begins writing new stories every month instead of continuing the stories from the previous month, he's now decided he only wants to write Wonder Girl in this issue (Alternate Theory: Eddie Berganza was too busy groping women to do his job). So the explanation for Kid Flash and Power Girl not appearing in this issue? Wonder Girl "ordered them away." And never you fucking mind where she sent them! What does that have to do with the plot of Doomed-man fighting Wonder Girl? That's just extraneous bullshit that doesn't add drama or tension.

Other people who take off their containment suits while scrubbing down a quarantine room full of weird ass shit do fucking deserve it. You know, like you do. Totally fair. Asshole.

As Peter tries to cover up his shame (his nakedness, not his horrible characterization), Wonder Girl breaks through the roof and says, "You're going down, Monster Man." Of course it triggers his transformation. Seriously, if a beautiful woman smashes into the room and says something like that to me, I'm going to go full boner too! And so the comic book returns to where it started. It should have never started there in the first place. Just fucking start your story from the beginning if you're going to tell the whole story anyway. The only reason to begin in the middle is because you're going to continue from the middle.

Doomed-man saves Wonder Girl from being crushed as she tries to kill him which is the tired old way of showing the hero that the person they're fighting isn't a bad person at all. Wonder Girl lassos him with her Baby Lasso of Truth and he turns back into a human boy. Good thing because that erotic asphyxiation stuff can be really dangerous and awesome feeling.

Wonder Girl tells Peter that with great monstrosity comes great responsibility. Then she gives him Red Robin's phone number so that asshole can deal with him. And then she leaves!

On the final page, Mary Jayne discovers that the head of Doomsday was the last thing in the quarantine room (which she's still calling a Clean Room because she's a stupid fucking jerko). And then Superman shows up because he doesn't have any respect for private property and he doesn't know how to knock and he may actually be looking for some heavy anal fisting action because he's got red handkerchiefs hanging out of his pockets.

Doomed #4 Rating: -2 Ranking. The point of this issue was for Wonder Girl to sympathize with Doomed-man because she's like him with her invisible hate armor which turns her into a monster as well. But she's learned how to control it and has decided she's not a danger to anybody anymore even though she's a completely selfish asshole. When she discovers that Doomed-man is just a kid named Peter Parker who can't control his powers, she tells him he's going to be okay and allows him to run free in Metropolis. Yay for sympathetic bonding that leaves the entire population of Metropolis at risk! Somebody didn't learn anything about great responsibility and great power! It's one thing to trust him if he can control his powers. But to leave him alone without any help is completely irresponsible. But Scott Lobdell doesn't give a shit about the world the characters live in. He just wants to have two teenagers trust each other and have faith in each other and to point out that the adult world is bullshit, amirite?! Fuck those STAR assholes! They're exactly like NOWHERE! High five! Seriously though. This almost could have possibly been a decent issue if the characters weren't being written as if they live in a vacuum. I hope Doomed-man destroys Metropolis next issue.

Teen Titans #8

Lost Boys movie pitch: "Imagine The Outsiders...as vampires!"

When I notice a person on Twitter who follows more than three figures worth of people, I assume they don't read their Twitter feed at all. They probably only read replies and direct messages. I only follow people on Twitter whose tweets I'm interested in reading and at forty-seven people, it's too much. I suppose if I stop following Gail Simone, my Twitter feed would be cut in half. That's an option I'm considering because I can't seem to not read all the new posts from the day before when I first get online. I'm too interested in everything the people I follow have to say and it takes too much time which usually means I need to drop people from my feed. It's all or nothing for me, I suppose.

I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm using social media haphazardly and incorrectly. I've got the wrong attitude when I think it's about the other people. It's actually about me, isn't it? I'm supposed to make it completely about me! It's the way I approach my comic book blog which is the lamest "social media" experience there is! It's all about the tweets and the status updates and the animated gifs! If I can't boil my comic book commentary down to 140 characters or one hilarious reaction gif then I must be a long-winded witless bore and not very internet savvy. Fucking blogosphere. More like lame-ass-curmudgeon-sphere, amirite?

I think staring at these Teen Titans Lost Boys has gotten my old man dander up! "I don't fit into this world anymore! What's happening?! Why is everything moving so fast?!" Last year was the first year I finally felt like video games have begun to leave me behind. I'm forty-three and I've been gaming since whenever Stunt Cycle came out. Princess Wikipedia says Atari released home console versions of it in 1976.

Here is Stunt Cycle for all y'all that have never even heard of the fucking thing. As Princess Wikipedia notes, these were the years when Evel Knievel was everywhere jumping canyons and Las Vegas fountains and whatever the fuck he could find. I had an Evel Knievel doll with a motorcycle that you placed in this gizmo which you cranked up really quickly and then hit a button to release the motorcycle and he'd fly off whatever huge drop you could find to launch him over. That's probably the toy I most wish I still had.

Anyway, last November the new Call of Duty came out and it's so fucking twitchy that I can't stand it. It's the first video game I've played that I can tell was made for a generation that has completely different attitudes toward gaming. Titanfall had jump jets as well but the pacing and play was smoother and more streamlined. But the Call of Duty jump jets just make everything erratic and insane. But the kids seem to love it, I guess. I'm not horrible at it, so at least I know I still have my gaming skills at middle age. But I just don't like it. It's like trying to kill mosquitoes with a water pistol. I'm assuming. I've never tried that but that feels like it would be as annoying as the new Call of Duty gameplay.

I long for the days of print pornography! End old man rant.

Who's ready to find out what Manchester Black and his buddies are up to?! Yeah, I'm not really that excited either. But I'm sure Kenneth Rocafort's crazy ass lines drawn all over the comic book page will get me pumped up for it! It's like reading a High School year book from the eighties! "We're wild and we're young and we've got zig zaggy neon pink lines all over the place to prove it!"

Why is Bunker declaring New York the greatest city on Earth? He must have discovered Chelsea.

Manchester Black continues to evade actually answering any of Red Robin or Raven's questions so they shrug their shoulders and continue to trust him. Why not? He has a Union Jack tattoo covering his always bare chest, he smokes constantly, he's a tomato goblin, he's purposefully mysterious, and he tells half-truths in a fancy accent. If you can't trust a guy like that, who can you trust?

Manchester Black asks Raven to transport them to a surprise location where the Titans totally won't regret having trusted him at all.

The location winds up being a celebration in honor of the Teen Titans having saved New York City. Manchester Black's proof that the citizens of New York love the Teen Titans is that they made signs. And who bothers making anything in this digital age, amirite?! The art of sign making went out with dot matrix printers and Print Shop, right? Please! Of course it didn't. What does Manchester Black think people do at rallies or concerts or behind the Good Morning America studio? Hold up their iPads with dumb messages typed out on them? Pshaw!

Manchester Black calls Red Robin "Tim" which seems like a bad idea. Tim Drake is supposed to be super smart so why is he being so carefree about his secret identity which can be traced back to Bruce Wayne by anybody that has been paying attention to any news out of Gotham City. Doesn't he know he has a responsibility not to tie Red Robin and Batman to Bruce Wayne? What a jerk.

Although, I suppose only Lex Luthor is smart enough to make the connection.

After the celebration the main characters of the Teen Titans (Josiah Power and Manchester Black), investigate Brooks' (the bad guy the Titans supposedly just beat but if you ask Brooks about it, he'd say it was "all part of the plan") escape on his way to prison.

Oh yeah! Because a maniacal genius that managed to live to 104 years of age wouldn't have the ability to fake his own death to this degree. Start thinking like you guys are in a comic book, guys! Because you are! Sheesh.

Of course the fame begins going to the heads of certain Teen Titans. That plot point is as expected as the power corrupts absolutely plot that constantly creeps back over and over and over again. Besides, these are the Teen Titans of the Me Generation! I'm not sure it's particularly fair to label this generation the Me Generation when the Baby Boomers did everything for their own selfish desires first. I mean, who doesn't? But still, they protested Vietnam because it was the right thing to do and, oh, by the way, they didn't want to die either. That's not a criticism! That's a good reason to protest war especially when the war is bullshit. But then they abandoned all of those hippie philosophies that paid dividends in their youth for wall street and high paying corporate gigs which could pay dividends in their old age. They were the assholes that thought up that fucked up slogan about not having a heart if you're not liberal when young and not having a brain if you're not conservative when older. Fuck you assholes. But labeling the current generation the Me Generation does fit in the social media and fame context. Every generation has been obsessed with fame, the famous, and becoming famous. But this is the first generation that has been told anybody can become famous for way longer than fifteen minutes and for no particular reason at all and with barely any effort. You just need the right people to see what you can do or film the stupidest fucking thing for the internet or steal just the right jokes on Twitter to amass a huge following. And corporations make so much money on finding "talent" that they keep broadcasting the message that fame is the greatest thing a person can strive for and that the only way to get it is by being discovered on national television.

Um, anyway, Garfield Logan has been tapped to host Saturday Night Live (or whatever the stupid fucking DC Comics version of it is. Just use the real world names of things, you assholes) and he's getting all kinds of attention from stupid fucking pieces of shit that say things like "the business we call show!" I didn't mean to insult Hedwig with that line because I love Hedwig but come on! Just say show business!

Apparently the band based on cosplaying Raven has also become famous overnight. DUE TO A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL!

A riot almost breaks out at the concert but Raven stops it with her Feelies Power. Then the lead singer is all, "And people constantly ask me why we started a tribute band for her. I mean, actually they ask me, 'Who the fuck is Raven?' And I'd be all, 'You don't remember that person with the feathery clam face mask that nobody knew about but we somehow discovered somehow or something?' And they'd be all, 'What the fuck are you talking about?' And I'd be all, 'That night that demon attacked and nobody knew what was going on but the military died and everybody blamed the Teen Titans who nobody had actually heard of before that? You don't remember?' And they'd be all, 'Show me your tits.' And I'd be all, 'Ugh!'"

Later, Wonder Girl deals with a Glasshole.

Where do these superheroes actually keep their phones? For once there's a good reason to have at least one of those pouches from the nineties and they're nowhere to be seen! I guess Power Girl's teensy, tiny jacket probably has at least one teensy, tiny pocket somewhere on it.

If I were Wonder Girl, I'd be a little bit upset after kicking this guy's ass to look over my shoulder and see everybody checking their phones instead of watching my awesome body slamming moves. And they call themselves obsessed stalkers fans! For shame!

Last issue, I was happy that the Teen Titans were being recognized as a team of heroes fighting crime in New York. This issue, I'm saddened by the immediate turn it took into a look at obsessing over fame. Couldn't Pfeifer have dragged this out more? Did everybody have to instantly be skyrocketed into stardom fifteen minutes after saving the city? I suppose that's the way it seems to work nowadays and I'm letting my old man show again. But it's shit like this following panel that just annoys the fuck out of me:

Fuck you and "going viral." Nobody cares about actually creating anything anymore. They just want a million views for any fucking thing.

"Going viral" is a pretty apt term for internet fame. Just like a virus, nobody can guess who it's going to infect. And once infected, a person passes it on to everybody they come in contact with for a few days. Then they shake it off and forget about it and go on with their lives. I think the term should be called "shooting up." Because it shoots a person's fame into the stratosphere and makes them feel like they're on heroin. But the high only lasts so long before they need another hit.

And this idiot that is going to "become famous" for being a guy that ran up on stage and was beaten by Beast Boy? How does that fame work? Is he going to get future jobs where he gets beaten down by famous super heroes? Or is he just happy to be recognized on the street? The only thing this guy makes me want to do is to stop being lazy and shave. You now how fucking horrifying it is to walk around Portland with a huge beard? It's embarrassing! I haven't shaved since my cat Judas died. Not for any particular reason but I could barely be bothered to shave before he died and fuck if I care at all now. But when people see me and think my beard is an aesthetic choice as opposed to just not being able to bring myself to shave? Ugh. I feel like a creep!

Oh fuck off of my lawn already!

Everything that I find the Batgirl crew are doing right in their comic book by letting Batgirl interact with an actual modern Gotham City as she tries to find herself outside of the Batfamily and amongst the people of her generation, I find being used like a hammer here. I get it! People want fame! People want to exploit other people's need for fame for money! Beast Boy and Bunker are fame whores and idiots! People want to get beat up by Wonder Girl on camera for their YouTube Channel! Red Robin is probably going to start a podcast which will be an instant hit! I think I really am more interested in Josiah Power and Manchester Black now!

Speaking of Manchester Black, he's decided to go point out to Red Robin that all of Red Robin's friends have become instant celebrities and are enjoying their fame because they're stupid fucking assholes. And now he's wondering why Red Robin isn't having fun being a stupid fucking asshole too!

Red Robin, being a genius, is busy trying to fight crime and uncover secrets to stop future crime! He doesn't care about internet fame. But just wait until Trigon releases the Red Robin sex tapes he filmed while possessing him! Everybody will want an interview with Red Robin after that. But since iPhones have taken the place of the ubiquitous televisions in the background playing the news, Manchester Black has a new plot thread right in his hand!

To be fair to cell phones, finding out about plot threads via cell phones is way more believable than those fucking televisions constantly on everywhere reporting exactly the news that the heroes need to hear.

Teen Titans #8 Rating: No change. I actually want to drop this a few ranks but I think I'm too close to it! My bias is a radioactive cloud turning me into a sort of rampaging, half-hearted Hulk. Other people can determine if they enjoy this kind of portrayal of the Teen Titans. Power Girl, Wonder Girl, and Raven really didn't get enough attention this issue but I think they'll be more on Red Robin's side about all this fame being a distraction. But I can't stand to see Miguel and Gar treated like stupidly shallow, fame-obsessed assholes. Especially since their friendship is supposed to be a shining light in this comic book. But now Pfeifer is putting them at odds on their quest for fame. Bah. I don't need more friendships falling apart in comic books! I need more friends in comics backing each other up and always being their for one another and showing that their love for each other exceeds all other bullshit! Ugh. Whatever! I'm off to make a viral video that involves Star Wars figures and my asshole.

One last thing that pissed me off was the closing blurb: "Continued in the Teen Titans Annual!" Fuck. I was hoping with all this Convergence stuff that we wouldn't get fucking annuals in April.

Teen Titans #7

In this issue, Wonder Girl makes out with Beast Boy's tentacle. I hope that's his tentacle.

I'm going to start playing a lot of old school text and graphic adventures in my spare time, so I'm going to be asking you all for help when I get stuck. Like sometimes, I'll be all, "I don't know how to get past the overly talkative mime that keeps pretending I'm trapped in her invisible box with her. In my inventory, I've got a package of bubble gum, a forked stick, a telescoping claw, and a .44 magnum with no ammunition. What do I do?!" And you'll all be, "Oh! That's easy! Shoot the mime with the gun and the mime will pretend a bullet has been fired out of it and die dramatically!" And I'll be, "Oh! Thanks! Man, I should have known that!" And you'll all think, "That Tess is an idiot as well as a jerk."

I should probably save that puzzle for my the next text adventure I write! Nobody steal it!

The first thing I notice when I open the cover is that Kenneth Rocafort is back doing the art. I probably should have noticed that when I was looking at the cover but I only sometimes read the names of the creators. Usually I already know who they are and if it changes, I'll notice when I open the book. Like this time! Anyway, I guess I'd better prepare myself for chaotic panel layouts, weird lines drawn helter skelter outside all of the panels, and lots of people looking like they haven't washed their hair in five days.

Last issue, STAR Labs turned into a mushroom cloud. This issue, the Teen Titans head to the site to investigate. Don't worry. They're superheroes. Radiation either doesn't hurt them or just gives them more super powers.

Once at Ground Zero, Red Robin takes some readings and breathes a huge sigh of relief as he reports no signs of radiation. If he's such a super genius, shouldn't he have made sure of that first? I mean, the others would have been fine! Power Girl and Wonder Girl are probably immune. Raven can cleanse the air around her. Beast Boy can turn into a cockroach. Bunker could surround himself with bricks. But they still don't know who caused this! But they know a shirtless cool British smoker who knows!

Darn! I fooled myself into thinking it was going to be John Constantine minus his shirt!

Operation Paperclip is that operation where the allies scooped up all the horrible Nazi doctors and scientists so that they could benefit from all of the horrible knowledge they gained from gassing people. Are we still going to use Nazi doctors as antagonists? Do the Teen Titans even know who the Nazis were? That was like bunches of decades ago! And it had nothing to do with hip hop or pop music or Harry Potter!

I bet out of all these kids, only Red Robin knows about it and that's only because we have to, collectively, maintain the illusion that he's a super genius. If just one of us points out that his brain has no clothes, the entire illusion will unravel! So believe hard, boys and girls! Just remember that if Tim Drake is going to later become Harvest, he must be a super genius!

It's seriously bugging me that Manchester Black said "Of course you did" instead of "Of course you have."

I'm still not certain how the bad guys who set off the nuclear bomb survived the blast! But that's just because I'm a terrible comic book reader. I can believe in a boy that can change himself into any animal he can think of (but he can't turn into female versions of them. Arbitrary!) but I can't believe in a nuclear bomb that people standing at ground zero of the blast can survive. I guess I'm just not imaginative enough!

Wonder Girl kidnaps one of the bad guys and Raven reads his mind to find out that the bad men are going to erase part of New York City. The bad men also apparently have access to time travel. Also they can teleport because the bad man disappears. The Titans just stand around doing nothing, just like Power Girl accused them of always doing. Instead of rushing in to stop the people stealing the STAR Labs weapons while Raven interrogates the prisoner, they just stand around watching Raven work. Wonder Girl did inform the rest of them that a bunch of guys were stealing shit, right? No? Did she just keep that part to herself? Well, whatever happened, it's too late now! New York is about to get erased!

Oh, I guess they don't have time travel or teleportation. They just have a Fermata Device.

Before Manchester Black can finish his explanation of whatever bullshit he was explaining, the Bad Men (now with capital letters!) activate the Fermata Device again. I guess they want to molest some women on a subway or something before they activate The Eraser. Raven and Beast Boy are the only two not affected by the device because Raven is magical and Beast Boy comes up with a brilliant theory about how Mayflies must live in a slowed down version of time to make up for their twenty-four hour lifespan.

Wait, did I say brilliant? Just replace that with...oh, never mind. He can have that one.

Raven and Beast Boy discover the Fermata Device and Gar destroys it because he's not the smartest Teen Titan. I mean, really, I think the main danger was the Eraser! It would have been better to destroy that while he had lots of free Fermata time!

I think transforming from a mayfly into a whale breaks about a dozen laws of thermodynamics. Are there a dozen of those? Maybe there are only three!

Once time is restored, Raven teleports the rest of the Titans to their location to help destroy the Eraser. Of course, if Gar had left the Fermata Device alone, Raven still could have teleported the rest of the group into the space where time was working just fine. Just a little Monday morning quartersportsing!

Beast Boy turns into a rhino and charges into the Eraser, destroying it. Then the lead Bad Man begins chanting, "This is all according to plan!" Oh fuck. Not another one of these assholes. I'm so sick of asshole bad guys devising plans where they fail the first part of the plan and get their asses kicked before the part of the plan that will work kicks into gear. Do they just love getting their asses beat while they work? Why is this part of the fucking plan, you idiots?!

Raven shuts the guy up with her dark magics but since this was only Part One of the story, the team had better listen to that whole bit about this failure being part of the plan.

Beast Boy discovers that the hologram camera used to threaten all of New York was still up and running during the fight. So they all pose in front of it!

Now two (or more?) of you fuck for the city!

This is actually a good moment and one that this team has needed for three years. During all of Lobdell's run, the Teen Titans were never a public team. Perhaps the only time anybody might have noticed them was when they battled Trigon in the middle of New York. But of course, that was just used to turn the city and its inhabitants against the team. But then when this series began, the team was somehow popular enough that they have groupies all over the place. It didn't really make any sense. But this moment solidifies their place as teen saviors of New York and beloved local heroes! This might be the moment where I'm going to get all turned around on this series because this moment is so important.

So now that the city has a reason to love the Teen Titans, they can get to some serious work kicking ass! And now when people flock to them and copy them and worship them, I won't bitch about it anymore. They've actually become celebrities through the story instead of Pfeifer constantly telling us that they're celebrities.

Now I just need a flashback where Red Robin tells everybody that he's Tim Drake. Although even when he was keeping his identity secret, he palled around with his team without a mask on. Is he too stupid to realize that a thing like reverse image search exists on Google? I'm sure there are plenty of pictures of him at Wayne Enterprise functions hanging out with Bruce Wayne that any of the Titans could have found easily enough. I think they were all just letting him have his secret while all pretending not to know. And then between Lobdell's run and this one, he eventually told them and they all went, "Oh! We're so surprised!"

Also, Tim might have told them in Lobdell's run and I simply forgot all about it. I mean, he did have sex with all the female members that time he was possessed by Trigon (who, according to  the comic book Trigon #1, loves and adores rape).

The issue ends on an ominous note that threatens to make me take back everything nice I just said about it.

Burnyman McCracklingface is the new Harvest!

Teen Titans #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. Is this really what the Teen Titans needs? They get another shot at life after the mess Lobdell put them through and now they've got another Harvest on their asses? I liked this issue but I can't stand that whole according to plan bullshit. It's not ominous; it's just annoying as fuck. If these guys are such geniuses that they can devise plans where they get their asses kicked over and over and over again because that's what needs to happen to finally beat the good guys, how about just scrapping that plan and coming up with one where you never get your asses kicked in the first place? I think that would be far easier to plan than some kind of Rube Goldberg machine of getting your ass kicked where hundreds of thousands of pieces have to fall exactly into place for everything to work out just right. So many random things could go wrong at any moment! What if Superman had decided to get involved? That would have ruined the plan, right? What if The Eraser had actually worked! Would that have ruined the plan? Just knock it off with these convoluted plans, Bad Guys! Whatever happened to just shooting the good guy in the face with a flamethrower? I mean, that never works either but at least it makes sense that somebody would try it! You know, as opposed to going into battle with a flamethrower you never actually plan on using because you want to lose. "Whoops, The Batman! Look at that! I just dropped my flamethrower and accidentally kicked it into a storm drain! What am I ever to do?!"

Teen Titans #6

I think that's El Guapo in The Flash uniform! Where's his skateboard?

Last issue, the Teen Titans were battling a bunch of drug-crazed teenagers (is that redundant? Aren't they all hopped up on Loopies and Wackbombs?) while Manchester Black and Josiah Power watched. Manchester Black and Josiah Powers are some manipulative bastards who work for STAR Labs and want to have sexual relations with young teenage heroes (possibly! I'm glad libel laws don't extend to fictional characters). Beast Boy, who somehow changed from Red to Green during the Titans' hiatus which may have been explained away somewhere somehow although I'm sure it was changed because it was just stupid that he was red and nobody liked it at all, um...I forgot what this sentence was going to be about after that adjective clause. Maybe I should just get back to the fight!

Oh yeah! Also, Power Girl showed up to try out for the team.

With Power Girl's help, the Teen Titans defeat the drug-addled teens in four pages so I guess the cliff the team was left hanging from last issue wasn't very tall. After the battle, Raven teleports the team away because the crowd starts to get stalkery and weird. I hope Raven remembered to teleport Wonder Girl's mom along with them. Being that I'm an irresponsible lout, I can't tell if leaving the unconscious super powered teenagers behind without making sure the police were there to round them up first was poor form. I mean, one of the teenagers was invisible! When the cops arrive, how are they going to know to arrest that guy? Also, how are they going to know not to run him over?!

Back at Bunker and Beast Boy's apartment, the Teen Titans sit around interviewing Power Girl while nobody mentions Wonder Girl's mom. That's weird. Are we just supposed to forget that she was in the fight scene last issue? Remember how she almost got crushed by a truck but Power Girl saved her? Now nobody gives a fuck about where she went?

Power Girl tells the rest of the Teen Titans how she got her Power Girl powers and when she gets to the part about Desaad killing her mother, nobody says, "Oh, hey! What happened to Wonder Girl's mother?" And nobody even mentions how weird it will be to have a Wonder Girl and a Power Girl on the same team. That's Legion of Super-heroes weird.

After the origin story, Power Girl tells the Teen Titans how to do their job.

Yeah! You idiots should hire Madame Xanadu to tell you who to attack before they commit any crimes! Preemptive super heroing! Don't worry if it looks like you're beating the shit out of innocent people because they haven't done anything wrong yet! You'll know you're doing the right thing! Maybe. I mean, you'll have a little bit of doubt that maybe Madame Xanadu is just getting you to beat up people she has a grievance with. But just put that out of your mind! I'm sure prophecy is a real thing!

Power Girl totally makes sense if I choose not to purposefully misunderstand her though! I mean, all the Teen Titans have been doing (mostly back in Lobdell's run) was waiting for other people to attack them while they just hung out talking about how they were going to change the world or something. They were busy coming up with names and costumes and flirting with Superboy but they weren't ever actually trying to stop super villains. They were busy visiting Dinosaur Island and going into the future and fucking each other and battling Raven's father but they never really helped the world. Which is why it's so strange that they're suddenly so popular ever since this new Teen Titans series began. How is Raven popular enough to have a band based on her? How is Wonder Girl known by enough people to have a whole gang of Faux Wonder Girls running around New York beating up muggers? Why do I even care? I should just be happy Lobdell is off the book!

Meanwhile Beast Boy continues to explore STAR Labs as a little Green Mouse. I bet he gets caught by some crazy doctor and locked in a cage and forced to run a maze for sex cheese.

Then that band that loves Raven? They managed to record her chanting a spell earlier and they're going to add it to one of their tracks. But just like that episode of Constantine where the record summons demons and opens portals to hell and forces people to remember their first broken heart so they spin around the room blubbering like nobody ever blubbered before about the human condition, the Raven's spell track disturbs the neighbors.

This is just like me when the neighbor downstairs begins playing the only bass track he seems to know on his stupid fucking bass because he's probably trying to impress another methed-out lady he picked up at the bar around the corner.

People who love music suck. Look, Never Going To Make It As A DJ: we all fucking love music. It's just that some of us don't divest ourselves of an actual personality for it. Oh, you heard a band that nobody you know knows and they're fucking terrific? Aren't you just the next fucking Mr. Lewis and Mr. Clark of the Music Frontier? Being the first person to love a band is not discovering the cure for cancer. Hell, it's not even helping a friend move! It's not even politely allowing somebody to merge on the freeway! It's next to having done absolutely nothing. Liking a band before they're liked by the masses doesn't make you a super genius. It makes you a person that has nothing to say to anybody except, "Have you heard this?" Okay, you probably know all about the bands as well to prove how much of a super fan you were before the band hits it big. So you can also bore everybody with your in-depth knowledge of the equipment the band uses and the studio they play at and the producers favorite way to fuck wanna-be songwriters. Oh, and playing your music loudly from the porch of your house as you sit amongst a pile of empty Rainier cans impresses nobody except more insubstantial people like yourself! Get off my lawn!

The Girls Wonder and Power head over to Wonder Girl's apartment where we find Wonder Girl's mom safe and sound. Whew! I was worried she'd been written out of existence! I need an older woman in this comic book so that all of my boners while reading it aren't weird and perverse and possibly illegal.

Scott Lobdell had Roy Harper say basically this same thing about Oliver Queen. That doesn't bode well for my impression of Will Pfeifer!

If you bitch about somebody always thinking they're right when they usually are right, you're an asshole. If they're usually right, they don't think they're usually right. They just usually are right. Stop believing it's some random roll of the dice that always happens to be against you and realize that maybe the other person is pretty smart and perceptive and you are an unobservant dolt! Although Tim Drake is supposed to be some kind of super genius so writers have to write lines like this so the reader can understand exactly how super geniusy he is without actually being troubled by writing scenes where he shows his super genius. Much easier to have another character state the fact for us.

Someone knocks at the door and Wonder Girl explains why it's Raven and then it isn't Raven, proving that Cassie is never right about anything ever! I think one example is enough of a sample to make that judgment, right? Science!

If I ever answered the door to find some shirtless fool draped across the doorway with his disheveled leather jacket hanging loose, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from laughing in his face. If it were a woman, I'd probably go, "Ubba ubba ubba duh duh um blork!" Hmm, so maybe this actually works if the person is of a sex you want to rub pee-pees with!

Cassie's mom, Helena, asks Manchester Black where his shirt is and I admire her lawn greatly. Old people rule! Young people go to school because nobody wants them cluttering up the malls every single day of the year.

It turns out Manchester Black is only nineteen. Because even people practically running STAR Labs have to be teenagers in a teen comic aimed at teens whose heads instantly explode if they have to read a scene with two fucking adults in one room. Even if a nineteen year old running STAR Labs really doesn't make any sense, no matter how smart or ambitious Manchester Black is. Unless he inherited the company from a parent and was allowed, for some stupid fucking reason, to run it himself. Maybe he got the job because he's sucking Josiah Power's dick? Josiah Power is an old guy, right? Please let him be an old guy! A big old lemon partyer!

Manchester Black, being the young super genius that he is, manipulates Cassie's belief in preemptive strikes to convince her to join him in battling some unknown group that's driving his surveillance people mad just from snippets of conversation they've detected. I'm sure her and Power Girl will sign on because look at his nipples!

Sex-maze time for mousey!

Some gunmen break into STAR Labs and blow a hole in its securest of secure vaults with a handheld nuclear bomb. They all survive somehow and they expect some of the STAR Labs' personnel to have survived as well because comic books. I guess calling the bomb "an experimental" fission bomb is the explanation for people being able to survive the blast? Manchester Black tells Cassie to get the team together so they can stop these terrorists from stealing all of STAR Labs most dangerous things. Why he had to come to Cassie to convince her to help him fight whatever needs fighting when the Teen Titans are just going to react (again!) to the blast on Governor's Island is beyond me. Even without Manchester Black, the Teen Titans would have gone in to secure the area after seeing a mushroom cloud out in the bay. I guess he just wanted to prance around shirtless in front of the young girls.

Teen Titans #6 Rating: No change. So far, this series feels like the Teen Titans are really doing some super heroing but are they? Once again, they're just being targeted by an enemy (in this case, Manchester Black) and manipulated into doing whatever he wants them to do. Which means, once again (again!), the only reason anything bad is happening in his comic book is because the Teen Titans exist. If they were in San Francisco, New York would be much safer because none of this would be happening. Maybe it would be. I still don't really know what Manchester Black is ultimately up to. But it seems like his plan relies on maneuvering the Teen Titans into a specific position on his chess board, so I'm going to continue to blame the Teen Titans for everything that goes wrong around them. But what else is new, right? Didn't they have this same kind of problem back in the Marv Wolfman and George Perez days? If only I could remember them!

Teen Titans #5

Is the New Power Girl going to be the New Superboy?

Last issue, Red Robin made a deal with Manchester Black that probably involved oral sex. No way those two aren't fucking each other's faces. I bet they even sing Les Mis during foreplay.

Manchester Black: "Red! The dick I want to suck!"
Red Robin: "Black! The cock inside my butt!"
Manchester Black: "Red! The young and tasty jizz!"
Red Robin: "Black! Jerk mine while I jerk his!"

I just realized while singing that song in my head how fucking lazy the writer of "Do Re Mi" was. "La, a note to follow so"? Seriously? That's the kind of shit writing that I usually resort to! Not that I know how I'd describe "la" myself. "La! A Spanish article!" "La! The first half of lamé!" "La! 'L' followed by an 'A'!"

So now the Teen Titans are working with STAR Labs' resident bad boys, Manchester Black and his friend whose name I can't remember. It seems like Manchester Black has conned Red Robin but since Red Robin is the smartest kid in the DC Universe, I bet he wants Manchester Black to think this team-up was Black's idea when really Red Robin set it up so that he could have access to all of STAR Labs' technology! They have all sorts of great weapons and time travel devices that will be useful once Red Robin becomes a vampire and takes on the name Harvest.

First off, I already like the comic book better with Scott Hepburn drawing it. I might be in the minority but fuck Kenneth Rocafort and his Rock and Roll Art Style! I like my Teen Titans to look cartoony and goofy because then maybe they'll be written cartoony and goofy and then maybe I can enjoy the comic more! Enough with all that fucking teen angst bullshit! Stupid teenagers and their stupid teenage angst. Get with the program and conform already! I've had it up to here with your little rebellions! Nobody fucking cares! You're just being annoying, not avant garde! You're not pushing any limits or buttons or breaking new ground! The only people who are disturbed by your behavior are assholes that none of us other adults like anyway!

I know, I know! It's not fair for me to ask you to not be angsty. What else is there to do at your age with out of control hormones and a ton of free time? Plus, it's lots of fun! Get away with being a total selfish dick for as long as you can because as soon as you're in your twenties, people will stop excusing your behavior as growing pains and start thinking you're just a fucking asshole. Also, if you go to college, you can extend that shit for a good four to six more years. But not community college. If you're in community college and you're still acting like you did in high school, you're the worst prick of them all. Nobody's buying your "full time student" act!

I should clear up one more thing (it seems like every time I express an opinion, I've go to try to preemptively put out fires started by my poorly thought out comments): I'm not against community college. It's a good place to go if you're worried about spending too much on four years at a University. But realize you're going to be in classes with a lot of people that don't fucking care about academics and are just using the school as an excuse to live rent free with their parents for a few more years. People know the serious students at a community college and the fucking layabouts (also: nothing wrong with layabouts! Love those guys!), so don't think I'm calling out everybody in a community college!

Oh no! Not teens doing drugs! *FAINT*

My favorite teen angst song, probably because I was fifteen when I first heard it and it has the lyric "I thought that fifteen was gonna be a breeze," was Teenage Lament '74 by Alice Cooper. I prefer angst songs that aren't full of rage and anger but are more about being lost in an existential miasma created by a world the teenage barely has a foothold in. So Cooper's "I'm Eighteen" works for me as well.

See? Tim Drake is a smart cookie!

Kris, the girl with the drugs, falls off of a building and is saved by Wonder Girl. But Kris isn't grateful because she's a super villain! She's become the Johnny Storm of her own little evil Fantastic Four. And now they've got a chance to beat the crap out of Wonder Girl because...well, their motivation is a little bit lacking. I guess just for shits and giggles? Wonder Girl decides she should probably call for help.

I was willing to chalk it up to a mistake by the artist the first time, but it really looks like Wonder Girl knows Red Robin's identity now. I guess Cassie and Tim did hang out in the first few issues of the first run of Teen Titans. But in those early days, Tim also made reference to a group of Teen Titans that existed before the first New 52 Teen Titans. So I should probably completely forget Lobdell's run anyway. I'm sure, at the very least, my mind would be at ease after jettisoning that crap.

Should Wonder Girl really have Tim Drake's contact information on her phone? Red Robin is so careful with his identity since it can easily be traced back to Bruce Wayne and a simple matter of deduction to realize Batman's secret identity. Although when Nightwing was exposed as Dick Grayson, only the world's smartest man made the connection. So I guess it's okay if somebody were to get hold of Wonder Girl's phone. They'd never realize all of her contacts are her fellow Teen Titans, right?

So the Fantabulous Four seem to want to kill Wonder Girl because they're sick of her and the Teen Titans being all over their social media feeds. That makes sense. I've killed for less. I mean, I've thought about killing for less.

While the Teen Titans battle the Fantabulous Four, Manchester Black and his buddy, Josiah Power (oh yeah! That was his name! He's definitely gay!), watch the battle via STAR Labs city surveillance systems. And Beast Boy watches them over tiny mousy eyes surveillance systems.

Hunh. Who knew mind bricks could conduct electricity?

The Fantabulous Four take more drugs but they somehow retain the same super powers as before even though Kris told them each time was random. I suppose if you like the power you have, you can just keep piling on the drug and you'll maintain the current power? That's cool, I guess. But what if you get a shitty power like Bouncing Boy? You have to wait until you come down off the drug to try again?

Purple Thing throw a trash truck at Cassie's mom who is saved by one of the Wonder Girl Wannabes. She's crushed by the truck but survives because she's actually Power Girl! Oh! She's rich and has access to all of Karen Starr's old labs and technology, right? She can back the Titans so they don't need to make a deal with Manchester Black. Of course, the Titans will still make the deal with Manchester and that will all blow up in their faces and lots of drama will take place. And then when the dust clears, Power Girl will say, "Oh? You guys need a headquarters? Why didn't you say so! I'm fucking rich, bitches!"

Teen Titans #5 Rating: No change. I don't know that a whole lot happened this issue. I guess they decided to work with STAR Labs and Power Girl has almost joined the team. That's about it! Plus, we learned that Beast Boy can't lay eggs. Even if he decides to become a chicken instead of a rooster? He can change into different animals but he can't change the sexual equipment? I guess there go my plans to fuck him when he's a female panda!

Teen Titans #4

Kinky.

That robot is breaking like every rule Asimov ever came up with! The only way a robot can violate Asimov's laws is if the robot isn't actually sentient and is still following a set of human programmed instructions. That means that Algorithm here isn't sentient! Which means it's okay if Wonder Girl wants to kill her. Again! Nobody would bat an eye if I beat the shit out of my microwave with a crowbar, right? But what if I beat Stephen Hawking to death with a crowbar? Everybody would realize that was wrong! Killing a robot falls somewhere in-between those two acts, so sometimes it's hard to tell how ethical you've behaved when you've just curbstomped a robot. Did you save humanity or destroy a sentient being with its own free will? And even if you did save the world from the future machine world takeover, you still might be convicted of killing a sentient creature and all of humanity will hate you because they'll never know what you've truly done for them. But at least you can sit in your sell rotting away with the proud feeling that must infuse all martyrs as they convince themselves they saved mankind.

I once saved the world although nobody will ever know it. A monstrous robot appeared in a time machine in Portland, Oregon, last year and preceded to slaughter everybody in downtown. But I saw him arrive so I snuck into his time machine, set the dates to return to the future but five minutes before it had left. Then I walked out of the time machine and watched it disappear to the future where it presumably landed on top of itself and the robot within it preparing to time travel, killing him before he could ever arrive back in time. That's a true story and any paradoxes you think you've ferreted out of the story never existed due to time travel. Or something.

Sure! Now you're paying attention and using 12th Grade levels of reading comprehension putting you in the 99.8 percentile! But you still read the entire run of Scott Lobdell's Teen Titans and didn't fucking bat an eye about how horrible that was! My time travel story is perfect! Tom DeFalco told me so!

I wish DC would release two versions of every comic book. One with the Narration Boxes and one without. Because most scenes rarely need the additional information given by the Narration Boxes.

The writers need the Narration Boxes more than the readers do. I think it shows a writer without enough confidence in the artist to get the ideas in the script across and/or the readers to interpret the action in the way the writer wants them to interpret it. Like in the above scene, I imagine Will Pfeifer doesn't want the reader coming to the conclusion that Tim Drake is fleeing out of cowardice and an inability to battle Algorithm one on one. So Will makes sure we know Robin could stop her but he needs a moment to recuperate from the first attack. I suppose some people like to be led along by the hand through everything they read. But if I wanted to read this much text, I'd pick up an actual book. Let the pictures tell the story sometimes, guys!

"Oh, well if you say he isn't defeating me, Manchester, then I guess he's not! Could you also tell me that I'm a real girl and my vagina isn't composed of a Campbell's soup can?"

Why is STAR Labs using soup cans as parts of their sophisticated line of hot, sentient robots? Cheap bastards.

Red Robin hacks into an employee's computer terminal and discovers through reading multiple emails, instant messages, and Facebook status updates, in only a matter of seconds, the location of a super secret Deus Ex Machina which can destroy Algorithm and has been hidden away in a sealed subbasement. Sure, that doesn't stretch the bounds of believability in any number of ways at all! Not at fucking all! Red Robin is obviously a speed reader that can read dozens of open windows at the same exact time. And he just happens to be able to find all the right documents which contain accurate information from sources that don't actually know what they're talking about but, you know, they did hear it from a friend of a friend, so it's probably true! And these leads just happen to point straight to a weapon that can save Red Robin's life and that weapon just happens to be sealed away because why should anybody ever have access to it at all since it's so Goddamned awesome! But, you know, just in case any of this is too unbelievable and it doesn't pan out exactly how Red Robin thinks it will pan out after five seconds of research, Tim makes sure to alert the other Teen Titans that he's probably dead within STAR Labs and maybe they should stop the robot that killed him. But first she probably forces him to lick out the insides of her soup can.

Meanwhile in front of Cassie's apartment, Wonder Girl discovers her mother waiting for her and then promptly throws out her back.

So Raven has inspired a band, Wonder Girl has inspired a gang, and Bunker is inspiring all kinds of people to stand up to people who may or may not be homophobic or maybe just ungrateful or maybe just awkwardly trying to phrase an invite to dinner. Is that what Pfiefer's theme for this comic book is? Inspiring other people to aspire to being inspiring?

I'm so fucking sick of everybody being so fucking inspiring. Inspiration is bullshit! Somebody else doing something shouldn't inspire you to pursue whatever you want to pursue. The dream of the thing you want to pursue should inspire you to pursue the thing you want to pursue. Don't let other people tell you you can't do something and don't think other people telling you you can do something are some kind of Goddamned hero. "If I can do it, so can you!" is some of the tritest horseshit anybody has ever said.

And how have the Teen Titans inspired all of these youngsters anyway? What the fuck did they ever do in the previous run of the comic book that put them in the public eye and proved they were heroes? Mostly they just beat each other up and were blamed for killing soldiers and vandalizing public property and traveled through time! What regular citizens of The New 52 even had a chance to hear about these assholes?!

Well, that's what you get for listening to the rumors of disgruntled employees, smart guy!

Before Algorithm can kill Tim Drake, she gets a message from Manchester Black that she won't be killing Tim Drake. Because, you see, it's just as I surmised when I realized she was breaking Asimov's law which sentient robots cannot do! It's a law, for God's sake! And if she was trying to kill a human, that meant she wasn't sentient at all but just a preprogrammed microwave oven.

Too bad she wasn't programmed to kill since she would be capable of killing. I would say that was ironic but then some asshole nerd would tell me that it's not ironic even though that asshole nerd would be wrong. But why get into an argument about irony when it's so fucking hard to prove if something is or isn't ironic! Especially when I base all of my arguments on the examples in Alanis Morissette's song.

Algorithm's saving grace is another science fiction law concerning robots and that's the Pinocchio Conundrum. When does a robot become a real person? Must it break programming? Must it just think of itself as a real person? Must it engage in hugging? Does it need to meet another robot which inspires it to be human by rebelling against its makers? Does it need a "blue fairy" to "magic" it up? In this case, a blue fairy would be a scientist and magic would be better technology. Or does it merely have to declare itself a real, living creature to make it so?

Well, in this case, Algorithm is still doing as she was programmed. Manchester programmed her to think she's alive and to want to kill Manchester Black after he stops her from killing Red Robin. And he makes sure all the cameras in the building are filming the scene. Or something. I don't know.

Seriously though. Why does the entire building need to be looking into his office?

Let me guess. Now this video is going to go viral and Red Robin is going to inspire people to be inspiring!

Red Robin, who almost always knows exactly what's going on and why, says to Manchester Black, "I don't get it. What are we talking about here?" when Manchester Black is obviously talking about a partnership. He has manipulated the Teen Titans into believing that STAR Labs needs their protection so that STAR Labs can work with the Teen Titans. Also so that Manchester Black and his buddy whose name I've forgotten can have the protection of super heroes as they go about their sinister deeds.

So Tim's not a little bit suspicious about a scientist that goes to work shirtless in leather pants with a huge tattoo of the Union Jack on his chest? It's not quite like that guy at NASA with the mohawk. This guy is shirtless! And his last name is Black!

I think Manchester Black is trying too hard. He's a "man" with a Union Jack on his "chest" who wears "black" leather clothing. I get it, I get it! Jeez! You really fucking commit, Manny.

Teen Titans #4 Rating: I wish I was actually rating comic books this month because this one would get a gigantic raspberry.