Two-Step #3 (July 2004)

If this isn't the final issue, I'll be headed to Excalibur later.

I watched Furiosa last night and it left me with a burning question in the pit of my manhood: when did motherfucking stupid motherfucking male motherfuckers begin having problems with movies with women leads? Who was the king of the dipshits who was all, "Hey, fellas, it's gay to enjoy stories with women." I and the Non-Certified Spouse just finished re-watching the second season of The Mandalorian and she asked me, "Did all the nerd guys get upset about all the women protagonists in this?" And I was all, "If not for these online cucks who think they're alphas (who, also, are the only people who get upset if they're called cucks which is why they're the only people I call cucks (aside from Shakespearean characters, of course)), I wouldn't even notice." I didn't even think about it until the Non-Certified Spouse asked that question (although I was a bit disgusted by how many Twi'leks were in the series. Gross!)! My favorite book series in elementary school was The Wizard of Oz books followed by Beverly Cleary's Ramona books. I never once fucking thought, nor did anybody ever suggest, that I, a boy, shouldn't have been reading these books. I never thought, "Man, I can't identify with Dorothy or Ramona or Beezus. If only they had penises!" Fucking hell! I think my biggest anarchist anti-hero was Laura Ingalls! That bitch was a fucking hellion who was only kept in check by the power of Pa's grace and goodness! Who are these squareheaded dildos who have decided to cut themselves off from so much entertainment and storytelling because of some superficial fucking nonsense?! Read some books, motherfuckers. Any of them! No, wait. Not any of them. If they take me up on the offer, they'll just go get one of those books with "Alpha" or "Sigma" or "Business" in the title. Read a fiction book, man! And look! I'm not even suggesting you read some modern multicultural or feminist book! Just fucking read a book, man. How about Catch-22? That one has swears and prostitutes and death and loads and loads of male characters and jokes! It'll be right up your alley and you might fucking expand your narrow-minded view of the world a little bit.

Oh fuck. Who am I kidding?! I already know why they don't read. Because most literature offends and triggers them. The heroes never think the way they do. The antagonists are always shown as being despicable due to beliefs and actions that they identify with. And that's when they call it woke and virtue signaling. It's sad, really. The idea that somebody would have such shitty beliefs that they couldn't read a single work by Kurt Vonnegut without being absolutely triggered into a spray of blood and brains. Why would the people who claim to want free speech the most handicap their interests so drastically that they might as well be thrown in an oubliette with a tape recorder and one tape that simply repeats their small, narrow, simple set of beliefs? They're the type of people who have no joy but believe they're the ones who experience joy because they still laugh when somebody gets called retarded or a bully pushes some kid in a mud puddle. Their sense of humor is so shallow as to be non-existent. Most people contain multitudes, both good and bad. These chundernuts contain cotton candy and jelly fish. You can rip through them and barely even notice. They might as well be angry ghosts haunting an empty house.

What I was trying to say was this: "I hope this issue has as many ass shots of Rosi as the second issue!" This comic book has me so wildly horned up! Now I know how satyrs feel!

This issue begins with the rape of a Mini Cooper.

If any car in the Animal Kingdom were asking for it, it's definitely the Mini Cooper with those "Come hither" headlights and that cheeky fender smile. So slutty! Hmm, have I seen any Mini Coopers in my neighborhood? Um, I mean, this is so gross even when it's happening to a car! I'm totally disgusted by this and not intrigued in the slightest. Although I am curious about one thing: is fucking a car in the tailpipe the anal sex of cars? If so, what is vaginal intercourse with a car? The place where you stick the gas nozzle? Is that the car's vagina? Are all cars female? Are electric cars male or just female cars with strap-ons? How does a car perform oral on you? Sticking your dick where the oil goes? When you've sexualized a car, what position is it when you climb inside and jerk off? Do they call that the "Buffalo Bill"?

You know what? Never mind. You should never fuck a car, kids! No matter how much it's asking for it. Stay in school!

That guy fucking the car is Reg of the Quarry Gang's kid who has been tasked with fucking Rosi and Tony to death. When people here that they'll die while having sex, most of them think, "Cool! What a way to go!" That's because most people don't immediately think they're going to get pounded into jelly by a five hundred pound car fucking birth defect. What they should say when they hear they're going to die during sex is, "With an attractive partner while I'm coming on their face, I hope? Pretty please? Oh God let it be that."

Does this guy ejaculate nitroglycerin?

The panel before the above panel had another shot of Rosi's cute little caboose but I felt it was less interesting than a gigantic mutant monster demolitioning a Mini Cooper with its orgasm. This monster's handlers manage to shoot the tire on Rosi's scooter which enables them to capture the two miscreant protagonists. They're thrown in the back of a van with the car fucker. Luckily his libido is currently recovering so they're safe for the moment.

Oh cute! They're getting to know each other!

Instead of getting fucked to death, Rosi and Tony are dragged by to Reg's penthouse to get grilled about the location of Reg's massive musical penis. Tony's plan to escape is something like "let the water absorb them" or "eat the strawberry before the tiger eats you." I don't know, some Zen claptrap. I'm not familiar with being calm. I'm more of a Rage, Rage Against Not Just the Dying of the Light but Pretty Much Everything Else as Well Especially Ann Nocenti's Shit Writing. If I were in this situation, I'd probably trick Reg into saying, "Honk," and then he'd just get obliterated by Ron's explosive cum.

Reg gets tired of Rosi and Tony's flirtatious back and forth in the face of their final death fuck and gives the order for that final death fuck. Rosi realizes that Ron doesn't see people as people due to his gadgets and gizmos; he sees everybody as slutty cars asking for it. To save their lives and their exhaust pipes, Rosi hacks Ron the Carfucker.

Aww! He thinks she's beautiful!

This whole CGI rig thing that makes things look like other things didn't come out of nowhere for this save. Rosi's been talking about using it since the first comic book because she's become so bored with reality. But she kept getting pulled into Tony's mischief before she could implement it. But now she found a good reason for it! She makes it so Ron sees her butthole and pussy instead of her tailpipe and gas cap! Gross! Who would want to fuck a butthole or a pussy?! Make mine Mini!

Rosi also makes Reg and his righthand man look like cars via Ron's CGI unit. So he strips down and attempts to fuck them to death instead while Rosi and Tony make a run for it. They wind up in Ron's bedroom where they find an unfucked scooter behind a pile of destroyed cars. They hop on and Tony directs them to one of the windows of the penthouse. Remember how he kept reading that book, Zen Flight? And how he apparently flew in the first issue although we never saw it happen on panel. He just stepped off of a roof and then he wasn't dead later? Well, the readers, along with Rosi, are about to find out if he actually did fly.

I also just checked Mile High Comics' website to find out if this was the last issue of the series. It was. So, you know, Tony and Rosi could die after crashing through the window on a scooter and falling 80 floors to the street below! It's possible! I hope that doesn't happen though because they haven't fucked yet and that just doesn't seem right.

They manage to survive because it's a rocket scooter with only a front tire and a rocket on the back. They must have realized that and didn't just expect to defy the laws of comic book physics by driving down the front of a skyscraper and living when they hit the bottom. Obviously you can drive up them like Nightwing did in his comic book in The New 52. Duh! That's easy! But going down? And not splatting? So hard to pull off! But they pull it off! Because of, you know, the rocket.

At the top of the building, everybody blows up because they use some kind of anti-aircraft gun to shoot Ron off of his dad. Blowing up from the outside is probably a better way to go than blowing up from inside your butthole, I suppose.

The end! You'll have to imagine the fucking. I'm going to picture it like Ron fucking the Mini Cooper but with these two characters instead.

Two-Step #3 Rating: A+. How did I forget about this comic book? What's wrong with my brain? Are human brains even meant to retain the amount of information that flows through them in the 21st century? How does any of it work? Aren't our brains supposed to be set up to simply observe our environment, looking out for danger, food, and water? And maybe the occasional car to bang? We were never meant to be exposed to this much fucking information! Why shouldn't I forget a comic book I read in three separate installments over a six month period twenty years ago?! It would be weird if I did remember it better than I did! If I were one of those people to do repeat readings or viewings of things I liked, maybe I'd have retained more of the story. Or if I'd had another nerd who'd also been reading this at the time, we would have discussed it and it would have solidified the memory better. But just reading it once and probably jerking off to Rosi's ass once each issue wasn't enough for retention, I guess! Maybe next time I find a comic book adorable and sexy, I should jerk off to it more often! Maybe that's why I remember so much Sailor Moon! No, no! Wait! I didn't say that! Forget you read that! CUT! CUUUUUUT!

Two-Step #2 (March 2004)

New Idea for D&D: party must pass through a long hall during an iron golem orgy.

One of the first things I usually do when I read a novel is think about the title and what it could mean. I haven't thought about Two-Step at all other than a vague, "That's a weird title." Since the book seems to be about Rosi and Tony, I'll go out on a major limb and guess the title indicates the dance of their lives as they intertwine and parallel each other. They had a brief encounter last issue that ended with both of them admiring a singing willy but then left with nary a glance backward. I mean, they both glanced backwards once but neither one noticed and that's probably the definition of nary, right? Look, don't tell me in the comments. If it's not the correct definition, I don't want to have to realize how many times I used the word "nary" incorrectly in my life. It would be a real bugbear.

This issue begins in the hottest way possible.

My male gaze just jizzed itself.

If you were to tell me that the next panel begins without somebody's finger inside somebody else's backdoor orifice, I would put my fingers in my ears and yell, "Nyah nyah nyah I can't hear you!" Why are you trying to ruin my life by throwing the cold, icy waters of reality directly into my boner? Life does that to me on the regular just by time's inevitable march forward. Like when I was a little boy full of wonder and innocence and I was all, "Yay! Life is going to be so fucking awesome!" And then forty years later, I'm sitting in my pants (British definition) hoping that my obviously not-rated-X comic book is going to show butt finger fucking. The disappoints just come fast and furious until the ultimate disappoint smacks you in the face: another year of life! Look, by the time you're my age, death isn't the disappointing end to the story. It's the dessert! The sweet reward for choking down the rest of the shitty meal!

Now, let's turn the page and see some butthole finger banging!

Aw man. Amanda Conner owes me a very particular sketch!

I have nobody to blame for my severe disappointment but myself. Why am I always the cause of my own disappointment? Either I think things are going to work out in an overly fantastic way and they wind up mundane; or things don't work out in an overly fantastic way because I didn't take a chance to make them happen. Like that time I was fifteen and at that party in somebody's garage and I was sitting on a bench and this girl I barely knew named Dessa came over, lay down on the bench, and put her head in my lap. Why didn't I make a move? Hell, why didn't I fucking do anything at all?! She was basically the Jennifer Connelly of shitty urban freshman garage parties and I froze! No wonder I'm now an old man hoping comic book characters do weird shit to each other! I've never lost the utter horniness of that moment! I'm trapped in horny time!

That wasn't a plea for help; that was an exclamation of pure joy! How did I never realize this?! What a major breakthrough!

Tony continues to read his book, Zen Flight, as two giant robots fuck all around him. And then the adverts begin competing for my male gaze's time and energy.

What the fuck, WWE? Imagine this advert with two of your male wrestlers. Would you still print it? I mean, I think it would work! But I don't think you'd print it!

All that advert says to me is that the fighting is a stand-in for sex. So now I'm remembering all those times I watched Sgt. Slaughter fuck the Ultimate Warrior! Superfly Snooka from the top rope has all new imagery in my poor memory. Mr. Perfect making Hulk Hogan coming buckets by anally penetrating him in the ring and then turning to the camera, pointing, and saying, "Absolutely perfect!" Damn, wrestling was way better than I remembered! I should think about it incorrectly more often! Thanks, horny lesbian wrestlers!

Tony wanders into the London Frost Fair where I'm sure he'll run into Rosi with at least two fingers in her butthole. The first person he encounters at the Fair is a Not-a-Juggler.

You can't juggle two items with two hands! Unless he's got a third leg of turkey in a surprise orifice for the best opening juggling move of all time!

"But Tess! Why didn't you mention 'Beat the Freak'?!" "Because I have standards, you lowbrow cur of a reader!"

Rosi appears looking as adorable as ever and calling attention to both her arse and her tits in record time. Not like I hadn't noticed them immediately but then she was all, "Stuff is going up my arse!" and "Stuff is on my tits!" and I was all, "I'm in love with ink on paper!" But I've also been fooled by that before when Mahmud Asrar was drawing her and paper cuts on a penis take way longer to heal than you'd think. So I'm just going to keep reading this comic book as opposed to the stray horny thought that keeps insisting that it's the most crucial thought I'm having at the moment instead of the worst idea of the morning.

Rosi wound up at the Fair trying to find something exciting for her cam girl stuff. She runs directly into Tony like a good character in a romantic comedy.

No, brain! The paper cuts! Remember?!

Rosi explains to Tony that she's, once again, super bored. Tony, being all Zen and shit, tells her she's being ridiculous. Then he explains how to view life differently in a Zen way: just stand back and watch life wash into you. Like when Dessa put her head in my lap! Of course, I just sat there and let life wash Dessa's head right back out of my lap. So I think you're not supposed to simply watch. You're supposed to participate when something washes up on you that you're interested in! Why am I learning this lesson nearly four decades too late?!

Is the Get Pelted By Condoms booth a traditional Ren-Fair attraction?

While Rosi's enjoying the woman flinging condoms with her nipples exposed, a bunch of the Quarry gang appear and begin shooting at Tony. He drags her along with him as he flees, in the name of keeping her safe, I guess. Although shoving her in the opposite direction would probably make her safer. Unless the gang knows she's the one who stomped on Dreadlocks' face and took the massive musical dong from him. And since she did stream the entire event live on her web cam, it would seem reasonable that they're after her as well.

Tony gives Rosi a gun so she can protect herself and she immediately shoots one of their pursuers in the dick. Tony decides she isn't running away fast enough so he picks her up and runs.

Goddammit. I'm going to wind up with penile paper cuts, aren't I?

This review is way too horny. I need to tone it down. Hopefully somebody will die graphically on the next page and the horny level will decrease a slight bit.

Hmm. Didn't work. Now I'm just thinking about how his dick probably blew through his own butthole. That's hot.

The entire Fair takes place on the frozen Thames and the explosion causes a massive hole in the ice. Cracks begin to radiate out from the hole, threatening to dunk everybody at the event, especially the woman with her nipples exposed.

Tony and Rosi manage to make it to sure where Rosi's motor scooter waits to aid in their escape. It's at this moment that Tony finally realizes what's going on in Rosi's backyard.

The man with the oral fixation discovers the other main fixation.

The gang obsessed with penises give chase in a car shaped like a penis. But Tony shoots them all to hell and they crash into the famous British penis (stolen, of course), Cleopatra's Needle. It falls and crushes them, thus ending the chase with some penis on penis action. Rosi decides to take Tony back to her place. She says she needs to change but we all know you don't get chased by a penis car and then see it sandwiched by another penis and not want get in on the getting smashed by penis action.

We won't know if they actually fuck until next issue because this issue ends with Reg, the guy with the regular, non-musical, non-massive willy because Tony and Rosi stole it, letting his son out of his cage to go fuck Tony and Rosi to death. I thought Warren Ellis was writing this? That sounds more like a Garth Ennis plot point!

I am so glad I'm not a car.

Two-Step #2 Rating: A+. If you show me enough comic book tits and ass, especially drawn by Amanda Conner, I'm only going to have high praise for you. Now does anybody know a good ointment for paper cuts?

Two-Step #1 (December 2003)

What's the word I'm looking for here? Oh yeah! AWOOOOGA!

I remember absolutely nothing about this comic book except the art style. When I found it in the stack, I simply thought, "Oh yeah! I remember those tits!" Maybe it has something to do with a genie, I think? I don't even remember the Cliffhanger publishing imprint of Wildstorm but I suppose I should since they also published two other comic books I read: Crimson and Steampunk. This title doesn't even get a mention in the Cliffhanger Wikipedia entry! I normally wouldn't trust myself on how memorable a comic book is but if it wasn't even given a brief aside in a Wikipedia entry on a publishing imprint that didn't even publish that many titles over it's five or so year life, it can't be that great, right? I mean, I trust Warren Ellis to give me something interesting and Amanda Conner to make my eyes come. But what's Jimmy Palmiotti doing on this thing? Did he add the swears?

The story begins in an alternate London of 2001 that looks like it was reverse-colonized by India. What I mean by that is everything seems to be based on India instead of hodgepodge of Franco and Germanic and Nordic and Roman and Pagan influences as opposed to what I think the real idea of "reverse-colonizing" might be: where the colonizers seem surprised when their homeland becomes less "home" than they're used to because all the immigrants of the places you've colonized have also made it home and brought a lot of their culture from their homeland. It's one of the things that seems to piss off racists even though it's like, "Hey, buddy? Maybe be mad at your racist predecessors for going around trying to take control of every country in their line of sight! Nobody in the countries you colonized asked for you to water down their culture with prudish religious ideas and milquetoast cuisines. But by invading their countries, they practically begged them to come live in theirs as well. Share and share alike, you know?"

What I'm trying to say is, "This London looks like my kind of town!"

Would I genetically engineer my cat to be a smoker? Yes. Yes I would.

Everybody is dancing and singing in the streets like they've been cursed by a dancing demon. No, something isn't right there. Maybe witches?

Oh wait! This really might be a series about a genie! Maybe my memory didn't fail me and this was somebody's second wish! Their first wish was for an 8-inch pianist for some reason. Or I could just accept the casual world building introduced visually in the first few pages.

The main character from the cover (the one without the tits) has been learning to fly. Mostly he's been listening to Pink Floyd and reading Zen Flight. But he's now decided the only way to do it, is to do it. So he jumps off of the roof of a building directly over the other main character (the one without the no tits). Her name is Rosi Blades and she's a cam girl. Oh man! Remember cam girls! No wonder she's doing that "put your dick on my tongue" Only Fans face on the cover! Because Cam Girls are the grandmothers of Only Fans!

Oh no! Y'all better stop boring Rosi because I do not want her to lose those flesh potatoes!

"Fart blood." That must be the part Jimmy wrote. For not remembering this comic book until I saw it, I absolutely remembered "fart blood." But, again, only after I re-read it. Which seems, to me, a terrible way to say you've "remembered" something. Oh yeah! That thing I just read and looked at. I remember it now that I've once again seen it and read it! Good job, brain! That was sarcastic, in case you didn't notice, brain, because you don't seem to be that with it.

Rosi has a little floating web cam that follows here around as well as a camera on her left eye and her right tit. I bet it costs extra to watch the feed from her tit. Sort of a premium kink channel. "I've always wanted to know what it was like to be a boob! Look at all the eye contact I'm making with pervy men!" Not that all men who look at boobs are pervs. Looking at boobs is an art. You can't just stare at the boobs divorced from the sex object they're on. I mean the person! The woman they're on! You have to admire them with the entire package. Keep the eyes roving. Head back to the tits a few times, just to make sure your initial impression was accurate. The same rule applies to admiring tattoos. You want to glance and scan, glance and scan. Staring too hard gives the impression you're judging the person!

One time I was walking through an airport and a cute woman was walking toward me. I looked her in the face but she was looking away. Then I looked down at her tits and back up to her face to find she was making eye contact with me at that moment. She had caught me looking! But then she smiled and I was all, "Is this love?" But it wasn't love. It was just a butterfly on a stupid meme.

Later, Amanda draws two cats fucking.

Feed 3, the one not quite focused on the chicken running by (because her boob is jiggling. It's unfocused in some shots and not in others. Because of boob jiggle!), is from Rosie's boob. Apparently she's got a camera in her ass as well (ROSI POV 4). I'm just kidding. That's probably the thing on her shoulder. But I wish I wasn't kidding.

I'm sure this had nothing to do with Amanda's Harley Quinn gig but nobody would be surprised if this was the reason she got it.

Remember Jenny Cam? Just slowly blink at me if you do so you don't throw your old-ass neck out by nodding.

So current-day London isn't just a big Bollywood movie. That's just this neighborhood. It seems what everybody thought of as online living spaces where anything can happen is how living in the 2001 London of this alternate world is. And Rosi here is already bored by all of it.

Rosi's stuck in an existential rut brought on by the constant need over the course of the year to keep her viewers excited and engaged. She's got Twitch burnout.

Stop looking up the cat's butthole. Check out the dog with the anal beads tail!

The guy who jumped off the building earlier (and, I'm assuming, flew?) goes running past Rosi as she knocked over by the guy he's chasing: some white guy with dreadlocks in a puffy jacket. He seems to have stolen something from flyboy. Rosi doesn't give a shit what's going on because it's excitement! She chases after to give her viewers a thrill and/or to fuck the good-looking guy.

See? Plus more jiggle footage!

The bad guy (you know he's the bad guy not because he stole something from Zen Flyboy but because he is white with dreadlocks) hits Flyboy in the bollocks and runs off into a club called Avant-Spook. That gives Rosi time to introduce herself to her soon-to-be new boyfriend.

I've decided I quite like Rosi.

I also have decided that I quite like Zen Flyboy.

While also liking Rosi even more, especially when she pulls out her wedgie.

I hope this series only went three issues or else I'm going to have to track down the rest of it!

Zen Flyboy introduces himself, on camera, as Tony Ling. So if he was a secret Zen Assassin, he's now a not-so-secret Zen Assassin. Rosi and Tony chase Dreadlocks through a fetish club and out the other side where they feel each other out for a potential romantic encounter later on.

Tony's game could use a little improvement.

I'm having trouble deciding what not to scan while reading this comic book because Amanda knocked it out of all the ballparks for this. I mean, she always does. But I guess I adore Rosi so much that it feels like Amanda's doing more work than she normally might. Plus that jiggle in the boob cam? So fantastic.

Tony shoots Dreadlocks' kneecaps out and he collapses to the ground. He's about to pull a gun and shoot Tony in the face when Rosi jumps up and down on Dreadlocks' head. While doing so, her boob cam catches a shot that I can almost guarantee has never been in a comic book outside of maybe an R. Crumb book.

Cat with a used tampon! Cat with a used tampon! *guitar riff*

After helping Tony retrieve the trombone case, Rosi learns that he wasn't retrieving it at all. Tony was stealing it from Dreadlocks. Well, I mean, how could anybody have known?! If you don't want everybody immediately assuming you're a douchey prick, don't be a white guy with dreads!

Apparently the item in the trombone case was headed to Reg Quarry, the leader of the Quarry gang. Tony was hired to make sure the item never got to Reg. Somebody really didn't want him to have whatever was in the case.

Reg's wife must have hired Tony.

There's a button on the willy that Tony tells Rosi to touch. But she's all, "I'm not touching it. You touch it!" Can she get more adorable? Tony also refuses to touch it but he presses the button with his gun and the penis plays "Ride of the Valkyries".

Now that Tony has what he was paid to get, and Rosi had a fun stream, the two decide they never want to see each other again. But they betray that feeling by each looking back at the other as they walk away (although at different times). What is this? The most vulgar romantic comedy meet-cute ever written? I hope so because it is so fucking cute and adorable. I'm going to get this comic book pregnant now.

Two-Step #1 Rating: A+. How could I not remember this comic book?! What is wrong in my brain that it doesn't remember something that I find this adorable now? Did I not find it adorable when I first read it? I must have because my tastes really haven't changed much at all! Although when I first looked at the cover after pulling this stack of comics out of the short box they were in, my brain did scream like a little girl first discovering whatever it is little girl's really love. Other little girls, maybe? That sounds right.

Booster Gold Loves The Flintstones #1

If Prehistoric Man had any concern with animal rights, they never would have had any scientific advancements. At least according to The Flintstones which is, like, history and shit.

I don't know how many people consider these Hanna-Barbera crossovers canon. Everybody should. There's no way I can respect you if you don't now think the Banana Splits went on a mission with the Suicide Squad or that Green Lantern and Space Ghost had gay sex on the planet Krikkit or that a talking dog gave a rimjob to a talking cat. And now Mark Russell gets to write an in-continuity story about Booster Gold traveling back to The Flintstones era? If you don't have a woman boner or a male whatever happens to women when they get a boner thing happening about this comic book, you can't be my friend. You also can't be my friend on just a more reasonable level like how I probably couldn't stand listening to you. If you don't mind me saying everything and you just shut up and laugh at all the right places, it's possible we can be friends. But you also can't smell weird or look me in the eyes.

This issue begins with Booster asking Skeets if he looks sexy. I always knew Skeets had a slot for a penis! I used to tell my friends in junior high, "He's fucking that flying robot, you know!" Booster Gold is in his apartment that is either outside linear time or at Vanishing Point (which is also outside of linear time but more upscale than just "a ratty studio apartment in any buttfuck place outside linear time"). Inside his room, he has a Dodo bird as a pet and he stores all of his valuables in the Ark of the Covenant. Booster Gold might be my hero. He's got no time for your shitty time paradox theories!

Oh, apparently he lives in New New Newest Gotham in the year 2472. I bet Batman is still alive.

In 2472, Gary Gygax is considered a god and you can get a McTalon Burger at the local Food Court of Owls.

While Booster is on his date with Amy, an army of Chupacabra riding space scooters while setting people on fire with laser beams descend on the city.

The Chupacabra are apparently space aliens and not Chupacabra which they most definitely are. I suppose it doesn't matter since conspiracy theories can account for any eventuality. Obviously Chupacabra are just space aliens and not cryptoids! Anyway, Booster accesses his time computer to find that these aliens first visited Earth in the year 20,000 BC in the town of Bedrock. So that's where he goes to solve the problem! I guess he's going to find their leader and suggest that they not come back 24 thousand years in the future?

I don't know. Any noticeable bodily function that lasts that long would concern me.

Booster Gold arrives in the past right on top of the alien, cutting it in half. Well, I guess that's why they invade 24 thousand years later! That's actually a pretty fast response time in galactic times and distances.

Booster Gold's Time Sphere is ruined in the encounter so he needs some help getting it fixed. Luckily, he's met up with Fred and Barney! They always have a scheme up their butts!

Moments like these are why I love Russell's writing so much.

With the help of some of Barney's science-know-how (otherwise known as animal abuse), Booster's Time Machine's Chrono CB Radio begins working. He puts the call out for help and the only person who responds and doesn't immediately die afterward is Alfred Pennyworth from 1966. Batman has a fourth dimensional radio transceiver because why not? Luckily Alfred in 1966 knows Booster Gold for some reason. That reason was mentioned earlier where Booster Gold gives no fucks about time paradoxes.

Booster is an idiot! Due to having such a small amount in his account, Booster will undoubtedly have to pay for that savings account! The payment will be taken out of the account and subsequently begin costing him insufficient funds penalties and fees! He's going to owe the bank billions when he gets home (because the bank will never just close the account since it costs them nothing to keep it open. Banks are assholes).

Booster Gold, Barney Rubble, and Fred Flintstone are out of luck getting help from other time travelers. So they're just going to have to figure out how to power the time machine themselves. I bet five billion vacuum cleaners could do the trick.

Instead of enslaved animals, the trio use the Chupacabra's spacecraft to power Booster Gold's time sphere. While it's charging, Skeets discovers that Booster Gold caused the invasion (that's probably why he doesn't give a fuck about time paradoxes. There are none! Everything just happens the way they happened and no time traveler can change it because they made it that way when they tried to change it in the first place!). Booster doesn't really care because he just wants to get back in the future to fuck Amy. But there's an error in the calculations and a huge chunk of Bedrock goes into the future with him.

Anyway, everything eventually works out in the end and Booster Gold's bank account has 3.8 billion dollars in it. I guess banks in the 1960s weren't such huge douchebags as banks are now. I blame Reagan.

The back-up story is a Jetsons story by Jimmy and Amanda. So it'll be full of sexy innuendos!

It doesn't have any sexual innuendo at all! Unless I'm supposed to believe that George Jetson eventually fucks the robot housing his mother's personality! Yeah, I can do that.

Anyway, the story is basically one of the episodes of Black Mirror.

The Ranking!
I don't rank these! But anything by Mark Russell is worth reading. The end!

Kamandi Challenge #3

I can't believe DC would allow a topless girl on the cover of a teen comic!

Some of you might have been confused by that caption but that's because you don't know that Kamandi is female. A lot of people might try to convince you otherwise but have they read the old Kamandi comic books? Probably not. They probably rely on Wikipedia for their inaccurate information.

On the plus side (not that having a naked woman on the cover is a negative side! But I'm trying to be more positive and saying things like "on the plus side" makes it seem like I'm optimistic), it looks like Kamandi will soon be in a lesbian relationship. Although is it really lesbianism if Kamandi's girlfriend is a sentient plant?

The cover says, "Can you solve it before they do?" I guess there's supposed to be a mystery of some kind being solved here? Maybe the question just refers to solving the cliffhanger at the end of each issue. On one hand, I can't solve it before they do because the solution has already been written before I even read it. On two hand, I'm pretty sure I can solve it before I read the issue which publishes the solution. It's just that my solution will never be the same as the published solution. That's because my solution often involves Kamandi sucking a humanoid scientist dog's dick. I'm quite certain that's a Teen Plus solution.

At the end of the last issue, Kamandi had thrown herself over a cliff to escape some Manhunters. That's the cliffhanger. It's practically a literal one! The solution to this one is so simple even Scott Lobdell could come up with it. Obviously as Kamandi falls, she grasps at a branch. But the branch breaks off in her grip and she stares at it in shocked surprise as she resigns herself to a swift death. But on the branch is a familiar ring with an L on it! Kamandi quickly slips it on her finger so that it will look like she was stylish and wealthy to whoever finds her body. She's as surprised as the reader is not that she can suddenly fly! And that's the perfect solution to the cliffhanger!

This issue is written by Jimmy Palmiotti and drawn by Amanda Conner. So it'll look good and probably have a bunch of sexual innuendo in it. The really clever kind like naming a cock Mike and having Harley stuff things in her beaver's hole.

Jimmy and Amanda opt to use the old "saved by humanoid bat people wearing helmets while being ordered around by Captain Turtle" shtick. Figures!

Kamandi must have a green vagina. That's a sexy gardening joke!

Kamandi finds herself in a community full of sentient humanoid animals. They grow plants to fuck and enslave bat people. They're also all constantly spied upon by sentient mosquitoes. Captain Turtle believes that Kamandi is a messenger from their gods. Basically she's the Jesus to her parents' God. I think the mystery I'm supposed to be solving has to do with Kamandi's parents. Who are they? What are they up to? Why did they not use birth control?

Kamandi discovers that she's supposed to eat Vila, her fuck plant. One of those things is disgusting. I'm not sure which.

Captain Turtle's ship becomes too limited for the story so the bat people attack and sink it. But Kamandi and Vila escape with the help of the two bat people enslaved by Captain Turtle and his animal crew. They fly to Sun Cult Island where the Jaguar people will be able to threaten their lives next. I hope they're not as dumb as the tiger people who thought a nuclear weapon was GREEEEAAAAAT!

The jaguar people capture Kamandi and her friends. They eat the bat people but tie up Kamandi and Vila to some stakes where they're to be sacrificed to the Jaguar God. He's about the size of King Kong and wears necklaces made from military planes, tanks, and missiles. How is anybody going to think up a way out of this one?! Impossible!

Oh, the next writer is James Tynion IV. He writes a lot of cliché comic book tropes so I totally know how he'll solve this next month. He'll allow Kamandi and Vila to be swallowed whole. Then Vila and Kamandi will have sex inside the Jaguar God's stomach. When Vila orgasms, she'll bloom and release so many spores that the Jaguar God's stomach will burst and Kamandi and Vila will be free! Easy peasy.

At the end of the book is an essay by Neal Adams describing how he would have written Kamandi's escape from falling off the cliff. Except he doesn't explain how he would have gotten out of it. He just talks about drawing stuff and Jack Kirby and Comic Con. I'm not sure Neal Adams truly understands assignments he's given at this point. He just rambles and digresses and loses his train of thought and DC Comics throws money at him. Remember that Superman mini-series he did, The Coming of the Supermen? That was a fucking train wreck. This essay he wrote is only slightly better. Neither of them have a point.

The Ranking!
No change! I think this series will just be writers sending Kamandi from one Jack Kirby apocalyptic world location to the next and then having some creatures attack her at the end. Then the next writer has to come up with a fairly boring and innocuous way of getting Kamandi out of trouble before sending her on to the next wacky location. I'm not sure the editors worked hard enough getting the writers to add bits of the lost parents plot to their stories. At least I think the Mystery of the Missing Parents is the main mystery of the book. Who can tell? Maybe the main mystery of the book is the main mystery of the book?

Harley Quinn #7

Face piercings and tattoos are way easier than actually having an interesting and unique personality.

When I give writing advice, I usually give terrible Grunion Guy writing advice that doesn't make any sense but makes me laugh. Today, I offer real writing advice: writing doesn't just take place when you sit down to do the hard labor of writing. "Duh!" you're probably saying. Well, "Fuck you!" is what I'm saying back! Sorry! I'm always a little pre-defensive when I know I'm posting something on the Internet because the Internet is full of Know-It-All Motherfuckers whose favorite word is "Actually." To explain a bit further about the writing, you know how some people say they do their best thinking in the shower? I'm sure you've seen all those Memes that are labeled as Shower Thoughts. It isn't that the shower is a magical place where ideas fall like hot water from a shower head or masturbatory juices from self-pleasured genitals. It's just a place where your brain is freed up from concentrating on anything else. Unless you're going through some kind of physical therapy from an accident or a stroke, taking a shower is so routine that your brain doesn't need to concentrate on any part of the process. It's freed up to wander and contemplate. Most people spend nearly every minute of the day engaged in some other activity that takes up brain power which means you're not doing writing. When you sit down to write, it suddenly becomes difficult because you have nothing to show for the other twenty three hours and forty-five minutes of your day spent not at the computer (or typewriter or pad of paper or mustard-stained napkin). You're beginning the race unprepared for the starting gun. You at least need to stretch and probably eat the right kind of meal and hydrate. Um, this isn't running advice. I know nothing about running. So getting back to writing, if you aren't writing away from the computer, you're going to have a hard time writing at the computer. That means your brain cannot be constantly occupied by being on the Internet, or engaged in text conversations, or playing Candy Crush. You know why people think the shower is so magical? You can't take a fucking phone in there!

And before you get on me about being down on people always needing their phones, fuck you. I don't care about people always being on their phones. But if you think of yourself as a writer, you'd do yourself a huge favor to turn it off and leave the headphones out of your ears and go for a fucking walk without anything but your own head-space. My writing has suffered drastically over the last two years because I began listening to a lot of podcasts during work and walks instead of just being up in my own head thinking about things (there are some other reasons which lead to wanting to tune out some things which has lead to listening to Podcasts. But I won't get into that stuff because it's all been mentioned in this blog before). I always had something to discuss before getting into the comic book because I had many hours without distraction to "write."

One more bit of evidence that what I'm trying to get across is accurate and not just a condemnation of cell phones. Keep your bloody fucking cell phones. I don't give a shit who uses them or when. But one of the reasons transcendental meditation is so huge with ambitious extroverts is that it forces them to take those moments of down time where they end up in the Shower Thought space. The more time you allow yourself to not be engaged in anything but a rote activity that your body can take care of practically all by itself (I'm not talking about rote activities like Candy Crush or watching television where your mind is otherwise engaged. Even listening to music can interfere, although mostly the thinking interferes with the music and you'll find yourself replaying a song you were excited to hear again because you thought right through it and missed it), the easier you'll find writing when it's time to actually sit down and do the laborious part. You know, the actual writing.

As far as Harley Quinn goes, this is the last issue I'm reading. I'd like to just get it over with as fast as possible and maybe go eat dinner, so I'm going to write the ranking review bit before reading it!

The Ranking!
No change! I really liked the part where she said "Holee Something-olee!" So hilarious. And the way she mentioned her beaver in that bit that sounded dirty! It was like watching another Austin Powers movie! Plus her rooster is named Mike! As in Mike Cock! As in My Cock! Shit, my stomach muscles are sore from laughing so hard. Oh! You know what my other favorite bit was? When Harley Quinn almost fucked that other woman! Wowzers! So modern! P.S. If I have anything else to add after I read it (which I doubt I will), I'll add a postscript.

P.P.S. I mean a another postscript! After this one!

Harley Quinn #6

Your days are numbered, Harley Quinn!

My lack of interest in reading this comic book just caused me to break out a pad of paper and begin a list of comic books I'm cutting. Off the top of my head, I've got about sixteen series on the chopping block. There would be more but a few of them I'm going to ride through until the end, like Earth Too and Doctor Fate. I mean, technically those are still New 52 books so I have to read them! I think? This should open the door to me reading more interesting and better written comic books rather than having an obligatory tether to DC's bullshit. Needless to say, after this month, I'll never read another comic book written by Scott Lobdell!

I just heard my subconscious scream "Hooray!"

Harley Quinn's punk band is called GG Harlin and the Skull Bags. Why would she choose that name? I mean, I don't care about the Skull Bags but the other part of her name is going to create an expectation that she'll eat her own bowel movements on stage. I already found this comic book hard to read! I don't know if my stomach can handle that!

Harley avoids eating her own shit by murdering a spectator on stage. That's cool. So punk. Rock and roll. Whatever. Then she hurls dog shit at the crowd and the crowd eats it up. I mean they enjoy it as opposed to going up on stage and kicking the fucking shit out of her. Because punk rock! I guess being punk rock means having no self-respect?

Harley Quinn winds up at a superhero and supervillain fetish club at the end of the night with the punk rock band she's been hunting. I don't know why they were let in though because none of them are dressed like superheroes or supervillains. They're just dressed the way people dress when they want people to know they don't give a shit about the rules! I mean, they give a shit about the rules of wearing a certain aesthetic that lets people know that they don't go in for rules and don't ever conform to anything ever! I mean, except for the fashion sense and hair styles of the non-conformers! That's like totally different and shit and if you don't believe it, you can get your ass beat, normie!

The Ranking!
I refuse to rate this comic book on the grounds that it might expose my inability to remain unbiased as a comic book critic! It's possible my usual reviews already exposed that but I doubt anybody ever reads that closely. I'm just excited that I'm freeing up so much of my time by dumping all of these terribly mediocre comic books! It was fun reading comic books when The New 52 began because so many of them were absolutely terrible. But DC Comics seems to have cracked down on the truly terrible writers and now most of their worst books are simply bland and uninteresting, like Harley Quinn. I never felt like I was wasting my time reading comic books written terribly. But I always feel like I'm wasting my time when I read something that is technically acceptable in every way except in a way that makes it interesting.

Harley Quinn #5

Doctor Martens! Doctor Martens! Doctor Martens boots!

The Review!
I get the feeling a lot of people are buying Harley Quinn comic books but aren't actually reading them. What's the point? Harley gets into a misadventure where she's able to say "Holee Nounarolee" a few times, gets naked once or twice, engages in acts of extreme violence, and overuses sexual euphemisms! But if you consider yourself a huge Harley fan and want others to consider you the same, you have to buy her comic book! Just like I'm proud to have every issue featuring Ambush Bug (not really), Harley fans need to be able to remind everybody how many Harley Quinn comic books they have. They're a big fan, after all! Probably the biggest!

You know, I used to be a fan of Harley Quinn myself. And then I was inundated with all of these stories of her zany adventures outside of Gotham and I said to myself, "You're a stupid ugly loser!" I rarely say anything else to myself these days. Sometimes I'll say, "Go get a burrito, dum-dum." What I'm trying to say is that my self-esteem isn't the greatest and I'm fucking sick of Harley Quinn and her zany cast of characters in her crazy New York home.

In this issue, Harley decides to start a punk band to go undercover to catch a punk band full of criminals. That's the whole story. She makes a decision. I could say she gets a hair cut and finds members of the band and notices the punk band commit a crime which is how she gets on the case...but I actually said all of that when I said she makes a decision. Maybe it's the little details that people enjoy. Like when Harley takes a crap? Or when her towel falls off and she stands naked in front of her band? Or when Dead Tool cuts the strings on a woman's blouse so he can see her tits just before he kills her?

The Ranking!
-2! That's -1 for being a relatively boring comic book and -1 in additional lowered rankings because of my personal bias. I think that's fair since it was Harley that made me hate Harley.

Harley Quinn #4

Normally a Harley Quinn comic on the top of the stack drives me away from the blog for about 24 hours. This time, I'm just going to power right through!

The Commentary!
What do you think Harley's nipples look like? I bet they're green. Her butthole too! If they are, it's probably less likely staining from the ACE Chemicals vat and more likely Poison Ivy's lipstick.

This issue is called "108 Million Ways to Die!" That's probably an exaggeration because even in the smallest legible font, I doubt they could list that many ways in twenty pages. Maybe if they hadn't wasted the first page with a James Bond style Harley pose in front of a Choose Your Own Adventure book cover. There might be clues to the upcoming story because it has buildings that look like swirly ice cream cones, Too Fast For Furious cars racing, and bullets flying out of Harley's vagina. There's also that famous crypt in India that people love to talk about seeing in person after they spent a lot of money to go see it in person.

The issue begins in New York with Harley making wiener comments and some guy adding a "That's what she said!" joke. I mean, it's not really a joke, is it? It's just something you say after anything because you're not witty enough to come up with any material of your own. I know a lot of people say it because it's a stupid thing to say and it's particularly more entertaining when said after something that makes no sense. I mean, my favorite response to everything is "You're an X!" where X is just some noun the other person used in the previous sentence which probably had nothing to do with me.

Harley meets some guy named Frank Frank who amazes her by saying the most obvious shit. Who the fuck is Frank Frank? Why did he make an appearance here? Stop writing your stupid friends into the comic book, Jimmy and Amanda!

When is the first way to die of 108 million going to take place? I'm getting bored!

Harley discovers she has a mission to shut down some scam phone callers in India. She takes Bolly Quinn with her on their adventure. Hopefully she likes showering with Harley Quinn as much as Poison Ivy does.

I never find out about Holly's love of shared showers because the changing scene happens off-panel. But that's the only reason I purchased this comic book? So I could see Harley Quinn in her underwear! I mean, the rest of the story wasn't worth the cover price at all! Harley kills some Russian thugs and stops the international phone scammers. Did Jimmy and Amanda write this story simply because they were sick of getting voice messages about how the IRS was about to sue their asses? Maybe they had a relative who was taken in by the scam! If that did happen to them, it wasn't interesting enough to make a comic book out of. If it didn't happen to them, why the fuck did they make an uninteresting comic book out of it? And just when I thought I was okay with Harley Quinn comics! I guess Frank Frank's declaration at the beginning that life is meaningless was a big hint that this comic book was also going to be meaningless.

The Ranking!
-1! I was so bored with this comic book that I kept saying out loud "That's what she said!" after reading every speech bubble.

Harley Quinn #3

I'm a huge fan of Ivy's new dildo.

The Facts!
• Previously in Harley Quinn, Harley was living with a stuffed beaver, a wiener dog, and a cock named Mike. If those three things set you to giggling, you'll love this fucking comic book.

• The issue begins with Wannabe Deadpool (who is Wannabe Deathstroke, so we're really getting into some comic book history layers here) receiving a new arm in the hospital. I didn't know that if you arrived at a hospital missing an arm, they'd just stick a new one on! I'll have to remember that!

• Vertigax, the alien who became hot dogs which turned everybody into zombies, has parents who care for him on a planet far away. They had put a tracker on their teenage son because they're busybody, micromanaging assholes. Maybe it's a good thing they did though because now they can track him to Earth and discover he's been spread out among dozens of human stomachs.

• Did you grow up in the late 70s and early 80s? Remember how they used to have days at school where they would fingerprint all of the kids just in case they went missing? I can't believe our parents fell for that shit out of fear. All the fucking cops wanted was a record of our prints so we could easily be caught when we became teenagers later and began vandalizing shit. Fucking pigs! Do they take samples of children's DNA now and pretend it's for safety reasons?

• You can get DNA samples in other ways then jerking kids off, right?!

This page takes care of all of the formulaic bits at once! Harley and Ivy being sexy and naked. Mike Cock strutting around all hard and erect. Harley's stuffed beaver turning into Eclipso. And the wiener dog licking the weed whacker. If that doesn't sound dirty, I probably should have put a little more thought into it to make it sound dirtier.

• I just remembered I forgot to buy Sheriff of Babylon #10 this week. Eep!

• Oh wait! Here's a better Mike Cock joke!

"Dammit! Mike Cock is blocking the television!" Har har har!

• Harley and Ivy shower together so I'll be stuck on those panels for awhile.

• Oh yeah. Scrub that back. Lower. Come on! Lower!

• That reminds me of a time I was lying in my friend Doom Bunny's bed the day after a party. He was lying next to me and next to him was his friend Amanda. That's her secret name because I don't want to expose her true identity or the fact that I can't actually remember her name. We were talking and I was rubbing her back with my arm over Doom Bunny. I said something about how I didn't want to rub any lower because things would get weird and Amanda said, "You can rub lower." So things got weird.

• Sorry! That's the end of the story! Actually, the end of the story was when I couldn't get my shoelaces to tie later and I said, "Please Baby Jesus! If you let me tie my shoes, I'll never ask for anything ever again!" And then they were tied! I really fucked up with my huge miracle prayer! The really scary part was that I was getting on a plane in an hour!

• Speaking of planes and flying, I used to do this thing where I would carefully check out everybody in the waiting area to make sure they looked like major characters in their lives. Because major characters don't die! You don't want to look around you and realize you're getting on a plane with background players and people who only ever get one line!

• Wannabe Deadpool wakes up from his operation to learn he was given the arm and hand of a chronic masturbator. One who did it in public even! Constantly! He totally freaks out because, I suppose, he believes the hand is gay. I mean, it did touch a lot of another guy's cock.

Like that matters! I'm right-handed and I jerk off with my left hand! Seriously! It's because when I was a teenager, I noticed my cock was getting a curve in the other direction from the frequency of my masturbation. So even though it was awkward at first, I began jerking off with my left hand. And now it's the only one I use! I mean, it's the main one I use! I totally need both to do it properly! Wink, wink! You know why I'm winking, right? Because I need to put a finger of my right hand up my ass to really do it right.

• Also, it turns out Chronic probably was right-handed and the doctor was just calming down a patient. Does that mean I exposed my way too personal history for nothing?!

• Enh. I'm sure I've told that story before!

• The Harley Crew (different from the Gang) decide to escape the area via the tunnels under the Wax Museum. This allows me to complete my Harley Quinn Bingo Card when she says, "Holee Spelunkerolee!"

• Harley's House of Leaves Exploration B Outfit is pretty cute. I'd buy the Action Figure.

• Poison Ivy smells mothballs on the way to the tunnel and I want to smell them too! So I pull out my Leather Goddesses of Phobos Scratch 'n' Sniff card and go to town!

• Nope. That's chocolate.

• Leather.

• Pizza.

• Oh! There we go! Mothballs! Ew. Gross.

• You know what? Supergirl #1 was a total rip-off because there wasn't one shot of Supergirl's Bum. There wasn't one in Supergirl Rebirth #1 either! I guess I'm going to have to drop Supergirl as my favorite butt in comics. Good thing there seems to be a replacement in this issue of Harley Quinn!

Oh yeah, Ivy. That's the stuff! Is that costume painted on?

• The door to the tunnel is the most obvious door to Hell anybody has ever seen. Which makes Harley want to go through it more than ever.

• The tunnel leads to a room full of doors. I think it might be the Hall of the Mountain King.

• The doors are just plot droppings for future plots. For now, the Harley Crew stick to the plan and go through the door that will lead them outside the radius of the Alien Zombie Hot Dog Apocalypse.

• The exit doesn't go far enough and the Harley Crew find themselves once again fighting zombies. Who's going to save them this time? Catwoman with a powerful laser pointer?

• Of course it isn't Catwoman! It's the alien's parents! They pull a transporter beam trick which yanks out all of the pieces of their son so they can put him back together. All of the creatures he was inside die in the transfer though. Oh well! The Aliens Ex Machina saved the day!

The Opinions!
So far, this series has breathed some fresh life into the way too formulaic and overused Harley Quinn. I'm enjoying it and not dreading it in the way I used to. I'm going to allow the comic book to get the credit for that this month and not my brain chemistry. But it could be my brain chemistry. Because--let's face it--I really enjoy the me part of these commentaries more than the comic book part of these commentaries.

Harley's Little Black Book #4

So the new publishing schedule of this title is "Whenever the fuck we feel like it"?

The Things!
• Yay! Now Harley can say all of the disgusting things I've been thinking about the DC Bombshells! This way is much better. People will think it's cute and endearing and sexy when Harley says the exact same things that I want to say which would sound creepy, sexist, misogynistic, possibly racist, inhuman, psychopathic, and sexy!

See? I probably couldn't say hardly any of this!

• I mean, I could say anything I want! But as everybody loves to parrot, "Free speech doesn't free me from the consequences of my speech!" But apparently saying "Free speech doesn't free you from the consequences of your speech" frees you from the consequences of your speech which is most likely going to be the worst speech anybody's ever heard. But I guess that's the attraction of the Twitter mob. You're relatively safe from consequences if a thousand other people are also telling the person who said something you disagreed with to kill themselves.

• Apparently if you're a good person, you're allowed to say any horrible thing you want to a person you've decided is a bad person. I think maybe Jesus gave the go ahead on that one?

• The world isn't going to change because you find a flaw in everybody in the public eye. Although your world will, and it will be miserable. Except, I suppose, for those moments you're attacking somebody someone said was a dick for some reason and it gets your adrenaline spiking and your brain jizz flowing. Those are probably satisfying moments.

• I should probably get back to reading this comic book so I can point out how terrible the writers are. I need a moment of satisfaction in my miserable existence.

• Do editors nowadays demand that comic books waste the first page or two on a future scene before rewinding the narrative back to the beginning of the story where, from that point on, it goes like normal until it arrives once again at the scene that began the comic book?

• Can editors nowadays stop demanding that comic books waste the first page or two on a future scene before rewinding the narrative back to the beginning of the story and just being the comic book from the beginning of the story?

• Harley Quinn time travels. That's how she winds up in World War II. If you thought maybe she wound up in World War II some other way, you're weird.

• Maybe you're not so weird though because is it really time travel if Harley Quinn winds up in a version of World War II where people she knows are fighting the war? I guess it's more accurate to say she alternate universe travels. Right, weirdo?

• Harley spends a good amount of her time in the past noticing people say and do offensive things. Too bad there's no Twitter so she can ruin their lives.

• It's strange how we all have these many unbearable sadnesses existing within us and yet we still manage to act like we aren't completely and utterly broken.

• The Nazis plot their insanely evil plots that are so insane that they will ensure people will think of them as clowns for decades after and where their uniforms in mock hilarity. What? My new editor is saying you can't wear Nazi uniforms to parties anymore. She also says I probably shouldn't wear them while writing as well.

• I hate to be that nerd but seeing as how we're all so into STEM and shit...Actually, hot air rises. Which, I mean, is practically the same thing given the environment we live in. But what if you found yourself living in a vacuum with another person and a bunk bed and the heater was on the floor and you were all, "Oh! Oh! I'll take top bunk! Ha ha ha!" Then you'd freeze to death! I think. I mean, I don't actually know. I'm probably not the person to be "Actually"ing any STEM subject. Unless the "M" stands for "Masturbation".

• Harley Quinn is hit by the car that past Harley Quinn is in just after the above panel. So now they'll probably kiss.

• Harley Quinn winds up unconscious for awhile so another artist can fill in the extra pages on this $4.99 monster with a hallucination.

• In Harley's hallucination, she battles Hitler Joker Dracula. I hope DC puts out a figure for him! Speaking of figures, here's my Amazon Wish List for anybody who wants to throw some money away!

• Harley Quinn wakes up and decides she understands the physics of comic books. I suppose if anybody does, it's her. So when she realizes she changed the past and created a parallel universe, she decides she can do anything she wants in the past. Like maybe kiss herself in a secret place, right?

• When I typed "secret place," I meant Hitler's underground bunker!

• In this parallel universe, Germans don't speak German with other Germans. But they do speak in bad Hogan's Heroes accents!

• Hitler will be at the thing the Bombshells are planning to thing, so now the thing is another thing. Harley Quinn had better get there fast so she can do something hilarious to Hitler and say, "Ain't I a stinker?"

• Hitler never makes it to the thing because his car picks up Harley hitchhiking up the mountain. She then spends a few pages treating Hitler the way a good portion of the world would treat him. Did I say "a good portion of the world"? I meant "the good portion of the world." The dickholes would probably jizz in their pants.

• Harley steers Hitler's car into a snow drift and then fills the car full of bullets. Hitler escapes with his life. Oh man. I bet he's going to be so pissed after this that he'll...well, I don't know how he could be any worse.

• After the big Nazi versus Bombshells battle, Harley winds up in Adolf's bunker to abuse him some more. He kills himself for some reason. I thought he loved being berated and beaten by women? Maybe he just got so wound up thinking about her shitting on him that his pistol accidentally went off.

• Harley returns to the present where the issue ends without one mention of her beaver, cock, or wiener dog.

Harley Quinn #2

I guess it's okay for Amanda Conner to sneak a zombie finger sliding up Harley's clown car. But it would be wrong if Frank Cho drew this, right?

The Commentary!
Tumblr has that "Recommended Blogs" column off to the right on the home page which I sometimes click on but mostly ignore. But I think I need to ignore it forever now because just looking at it depresses the fuck out of me. Thanks, Tumblr, for recommending Monster Man's blog so that I could click over to see some "Monsters Forever" and be greeted with this post:

Hi all, on Sunday, June 12th, the Monsterman passed away. He leaves behind his beautiful daughter and me his loving wife. Running this site gave him so much joy. We will miss him and love him always.

I suppose I shouldn't complain. It's a loving note of tribute and more than anybody will get on my blog when I'm found lying face-down in the cat's litter box, bloated from the gasses of decomposition. It's not like it's Tumblr's responsibility to post warning signs all over the place that life fucking sucks and, to top it all off, it just ends in the complete erasure of your existence. It's not like there aren't little reminders all around us every day which we desperately try to avoid although, when we can't, we frantically try to figure out a way to repress the reminder and get back into our heady, daily denial of the Faustian deal we unknowingly made with the universe! Because don't get me wrong! I'm glad I somehow, improbably, exist to experience all of this! But if the universe had an identifiable set of testicles, I'd definitely kick them as hard as I could.

I wonder if during the years Carl Sagan was battling with cancer if he ever just went into his backyard at night and flipped off the stars. That guy was way too optimistic and chipper. I'd feel better if I knew he had some bad days where he felt the full weight of the universe's mocking betrayal of his curiosity and wonder. Fuck you, universe! Fuck you!

I wish I believed in God because screaming "Fuck you, God!" is so much more satisfying than screaming at the universe. It's like calling the coffee table in the living room a cunt after stubbing your toe on it. I'd rather yell at the person who put it there.

I wonder how many people who believe in God just switched into their own issue after that and started yelling at me, "That's proof! Proof of God! Who do you think put the universe there? Hunh? Hunh? Hunh?!" I'm not falling for your simplistic arguments! If you can believe in a magical being who can do anything (but seemingly does nothing!) who has existed forever then maybe you can imagine matter that has, somehow, existed forever and isn't magical at all. It's just, you know, a mystery! Not God's mystery! Enough with God! Shove God!

At this point, you might be thinking, "Tess? Do you have anything to say about Harley Quinn?" It's a fair question! And a good one to since the answer is "No. No I do not. It's the same fucking comic book every month and I really don't have anything new to say about it!" I suppose I'll try anyway but I'll warn you: my Carl Sagan bit was the best part of this entire entry. It's all downhill from here! Probably. I mean, I haven't written anything else yet (or read the comic book, for that matter!) but I can't see myself being clever from this point on.

How cute! The BLAMs look like a little mushroom!

Hopefully an out of context panel of Harley firing off round after round from her AK-47 wasn't too disturbing for people constantly thinking about the next mass shooting. She wasn't doing anything intentionally horrible with her gun. She was just shooting out the windows of three floors of a hospital and endangering everybody within just to save Redtool's life. She's so thoughtful when it comes to people she knows!

Meanwhile, zombies are ravaging her neighborhood. But it's okay because her Gang of Harleys and all of her friends are safe. The people getting their arms ripped off and their faces bitten off and their legs torn off don't matter. You know how it is! Writers don't have time to write fulfilling conclusions to the story of everybody who just marginally appears in their stories. If they had that kind of time or interest or writing ability, why would they do what they did to Barb Holland in Stranger Things? Sometimes fucking a character in the ass and tossing them in the garbage is the only move an auteur has left, time and money being what they are. You know, time and money!

Luckily for the rest of the DC Universe, the zombies won't go further than a half mile away from the source of the infection: Nate-Man's Hot Dog Stand. I guess the alien that's infected them can't spread itself too thin.

Harley winds up falling off of the roof and into the horde of zombies. Previously, she didn't want to kill them because they're the people in her neighborhood, in her neighborhood, in her neigh-bor-hoooooood! But now she doesn't mind kicking their heads off because remember what I said about non-essential characters? Fuck 'em! They're like the Monster Men in my life! Their deaths only exist to remind me of my own mortality! Although, really, I just wish they'd stop with all of these reminders. But just like me, Harley decides she needs to do whatever she can to survive! In her case, that means having a great time killing her neighbors. In my case, that means playing video games until the constant thoughts of my eventual demise disappear into a flat hum in the background of my brain!

Harley's tits looked pretty good while she fought the zombies though! I didn't want to type that but I've decided to allow my Male Gaze at least one sentence per commentary. I have to pay a daily tithe to my masculinity or it'll go toxic!

Harley gets a few pages of crazy scenes like this as she Dead Risings her way across Coney Island.

Harley is rescued by her friends but then they all wind up trapped in the Bumper Car ring because apparently Nate-man's is a popular place to eat. They're surrounded by hundreds of zombies! It's the end for the heroes! Which is fine because why should they get to live when everybody else is dying? Seems so unfair, not to mention totally contrived.

But wait! One last savior appears and she's really doing the Dead Rising thing! Poison Ivy appears with a table saw blade attached to a weed whacker! Unless maybe it's just supposed to be a weed whacker but since when do those have blades in them? Maybe it's some kind of tree branch trimming tool! I might be able to tell the difference between a spade and a shovel but that's about where my gardening expertise ends. And speaking of endings, this is where the issue ends! What a smooth conclusion! It's like I'm back in high school writing another shitty paper that I was way too proud of! And I was probably just marked down right there for not writing "of which I was way too proud!" Mr. Borror was a dick! May he rest in peace. Probably. I mean, no way he can still be alive, can he?

Apparently he is! 82 years old! I actually really liked him but the dick thing wasn't too far off if you were a piece of shit who wasted his time. Check out his ratings at Mission College (I had him as my high school AP English teacher)!

The Review!
Just because I don't really have much to say about this comic book except that it's formulaic and repetitive, it doesn't mean it can't be enjoyable. It's just the no-calorie rice cake of writing! If you love Harley, you probably love this book. You get to spend twenty pages with her silly antics and cute tush and violent tendencies. It can be a fun ride! It's just a ride that maybe I've been on one too many times and I'm beginning to feel nauseated by it!