Rogues Rebellion #4

What the fuck? Did Bane and everybody else take a time out in their Arkham War to beat the shit out of a few out-of-towners?

As the issue begins, we're (I accept all of you as my traveling companions in the World of DC's New 52. Shall we get a drink at the hostel bar before heading out? Maybe a little hanky-panky in the shared bathroom while a drunk German vomits out a lung in the stall next to us while intermittently shouting, "Her-ka! Her-ka! *BLAAAARGH*") introduced to The New 52 Royal Flush Gang. It's possible they showed up for a brief moment in Forever Evil but a lot of fucking assholes cameoed in that so forgive me if I can't quite recall. They're operating out of Atlantic City at the "Man of Steal" casino. Which looks like The Daily Planet. I get that it's just themed like Metropolis but if I were Clark Kent, I'd be a little bit worried that they might be on to my secret identity over there in Atlantic City. I bet Las Vegas runs odds on the most likely candidates for Superman's secret identity. And probably Batman and all the others. I wonder what the payout was for guessing that Dick Grayson was Nightwing? I bet the odds were near even on that bet since Bruce Wayne has got to be fucking front runner for being Batman. Odds makers don't fuck around. They know shit. They're practically mystic shaman.

Anyway, The Royal Flush Gang remind me why the cover is the way the cover is and why a bunch of psychotic assholes might actually take a moment to break from war to capture The Rogues. I forgot that The Crime Syndicate put out a hit on them. And The Royal Flush Gang wants that cash control of all gambling from coast to coast. Who the fuck is going to have time to gamble in this fucked up world run by super assholes?

The Royal Flush Gang is confusing. The guy in the throne seemed to obviously be The Ace of Spades and yet the Ace of Hearts calls him "King." Do these fuckers know how cards work?

Back in Gotham, Mirror Master learns what Mister Freeze really wants.

Silly Putty! Why didn't Plastic Man go with that name and take the lucrative product tie-in deal!?

Mirror Master chooses not to help Mister Freeze which is mostly okay because, apparently, Clayface can actually use the powers of the person he replicates if their powers are a result of a change in genetic structure. So if Clayface sucks down some of Weather Wizard's sweet, sweet DNA, then Claypuss can control the weather! Wow. Clayface can really get pretty powerful, can't he?

Meanwhile in a police impound lot, The Trickster, having been separated, meets up with a cool guy in a hoodie. He doesn't seem suspicious at all, hiding his facial features and slinking around in the dark. He's probably a priest or a doctor or something not crazy or scary at all. The Trickster thinks he's a bit creepy but what does The Trickster know? People are probably more dangerous in Central City than in Gotham.

No, no. The guy turns out to be Zsasz. I knew Talon went too easy on him over in Arkham War. Fucking Talon can't do anything right.

Who's posting pictures of Zsasz on Tumblr? Who the fuck are they shipping him with? I'd go with Ferdie. #Ferdsz

Back at the main action, Weather Wizard comes about and Heatwave tells Mister Freeze that he "ain't no Captain Cold." You're fucking telling me! I hate friggin' Mister Freeze! Taking all of Captain Cold's glory simply because Mister Freeze wound up on the big screen. And even though it was a crappy movie, it was still publicity. So now even people who don't like Batman or comic books still know who Mister Freeze is. But he doesn't deserve that kind of recognition. Not at all. Captain Cold is a fucking captain! Mister Freeze is just, like, your neighbor or something! "Oh, good morning, Mister Freeze. Nice day today, yeah?"

The fight is a bit of a stalemate when Black Mask and The Best Fucking Gang in Gotham arrive on the scene.

Seriously. Best fucking gang ever. Although they really could use a raccoon. And a kitten. At least they've got a goat. Also note how poor Clayface is, yet again, being verbally abused because of his looks.

As the Rogues are getting their asses handed to them, The Trickster arrives with their getaway vehicle. But they still can't get away until Heatwave stays behind to blow himself up in a gigantic conflagration that might kill The Bunny and maybe The Monkey but none of the really important super villains. It does, though, give the Rogues (minus Heatwave) a chance to escape. So Heatwave proves that he is a big softy and not the asshole he was trying to make me believe that he was. Too bad I don't give a shit about him or this might have been a nice moment. Also, no way in fuck is he (or Mister Freeze or Clayface or Black Mask) dead. Did I need to type that? That's obvious, right? Comic Books 101!

As the Rogues are leaving Gotham, the Royal Flush Gang catches up with them. They point out that they have The Glider and that she's going to die if The Rogues don't give themselves up to be turned over to The Crime Syndicate where they'll all die anyway. Including Glider. The Royal Flush Gang aren't very good at doing their homework though since they fly in on shiny, reflective metal cards. Which means they're all going to wind up in Mirror World in about seven seconds.

Rogues Rebellion #4 Rating: No change. Some enjoyable moments here but it felt like mostly treading water. I suppose Heatwave's sacrifice was the big moment here. And how he's once again stated his mistrust of Captain Cold. Maybe Mick is going to be out since he seemed the least able to get with the "Rogues are Family" program.

Rogues Rebellion #3

Last issue ends with Poison Ivy, so you'd think DC would have front loaded this comic with her image, probably forcing her into a Boob/Butt Showcase (but also selling a lot of copies!). Instead, they throw Man-bat on the cover and virtually assure that loads of this comic book will remain on the shelf in the Local Comic Book Store.

I know this is probably blasphemy to people who grew up in the eighties but I'm not against bringing up controversial subjects, so here it is: I think a remake of Back to the Future would be a great idea. Come on! Release it in 2015 so that the new Marty McFly goes back to 1985 when the original was set. And I suppose, if you really want to fuck up some crazy shit, don't make it a remake at all. Make it about Marty's kid and have him interact with the original Doc Brown, Christopher Lloyd, as more potentially wacky time disasters ensue. Michael J. Fox can reprise his role as Marty and his Parkinsons Syndrome can be explained as the aftereffects of all the time travel he wound up doing. It's also why he never time traveled again after the final movie. And in the same year (2015, remember?) release the next Ghostbusters, Star Wars, and Indiana Jones movies! I bet we'd see a lot of people from my generation completely lose their fucking shit!

So that's my position on a new Back to the Future movie! Go for it! You know what? Perhaps my suggestion is too run of the mill! Shit, most of what I just wrote has probably been said countless times by big fans all over the internet already! I can't help it if I don't subscribe to Potential Hollywood Movie Possibilities Weekly. Maybe they should simply hire Crispin Glover to tell the story in one long rambling shot as he paces around a stage and shows a slide show of the events via pictures he's hastily scribbled out on used napkins. I'd watch that too!

But I should probably stay away from these kinds of controversial subjects in my little comic book reading blog! I don't want to piss anybody off by expressing a version of pop culture radically different from the one they'd like to experience. I should just stick to talking about politics and religion. You know, things internet nerds care less about.

So last issue, The Rogues (minus Captain Cold, the best member of the group) found themselves in Poison Ivy's poisonous clutches! I mean venomous clutches! I think. One of those! She probably called them "boys" or something as well to get a nice emasculating dig in before she literally emasculates them. That means cutting off their members! That's why I used the word "literally!" I know the word has been watered down so much that it might have been confusing as to why I said it. You might have simply thought I meant she was going to make them admit they don't like watching football and can't stand the taste of beer from a can. But I didn't! I meant she was going to cut off their penis and testicles.

Look at her! She's so perfect here! Mister Hepburn, I will read any comic book you decide to draw. Even if it's written by Ann Nocenti.

As you may have gathered in the hems of your underwear, I appreciate comic book art that tends toward an animation style or a bit of exaggerated cartooniness. I'm not huge on photo realistic shit.

Poison Ivy points out that she knows The Crime Syndicate put a bounty on their heads but she doesn't give a fuck about that. She needs their help. Possibly in securing her part of Gotham. Maybe a little help to bring down Bane? Every ex-Arkhamite in Gotham has such wildly different plans for the city, it's hard to guess what Poison Ivy is after. Perhaps simply a garden of her own? While most of the Rogues act threatening, The Trickster decides to try a different approach: treat her like a sex object! Hey, you never know! It's best to try everything when negotiating with psychotics!

Too bad for The Trickster, Poison Ivy is not a sex object. She's the sex subject of the fucking sex sentence, bitch.

Poison Ivy now uses The Trickster as her negotiating tool (emphasis on tool!). If the Rogues don't help her, she'll just let him die from the poison. And what can they help her with? Well, she wants Weather Wizard to end the eclipse so her plants can enjoy a little bit of sunshine. Um. You do know, Miss Ivy, that "eclipses" aren't "technically" "weather"? I used a lot of quotations there because I don't know which part of that sentence was air-quote worthy. Because maybe eclipses are technically a weather phenomenon! A space weather phenomenon!

Weather Wizard points out she's crazy and maybe not very well-educated but Mirror Master believes he knows how they can move the moon! I bet his plan, like some crazed magician (I don't know why I used the adjective "crazed" there!), isn't to move the moon at all! But to use mirrors to make it seem like the moon has moved! I think Mirror Master would be a lousy name for a stage magician because you're giving the secret away right up front.

Somewhere in the next few pages I read (possibly the very next page, actually), Mirror Master (as he and Heatwave look for a Waynetech Warehouse for parts) reveals that his plan is, in fact, to create a series of mirrors to shine the sun on Ivy's Garden. I was going to scan the part where he reminds Heatwave of the plan but then the panel after that seemed like a much better choice to scan.

I don't know what this is about yet.

Oh, never mind. It was just The Ventriloguist with a couple of new dolls. I wonder if they're related to Ferdie?

Poison Ivy and Weather Wizard remain behind to watch over Trickster and chat a bit. One of the best parts about this Rogues Rebellion crossover series is that Buccellato gets a nice place to expand on the Rogues and their characters without taking time away from The Flash in his own book. Plus, Captain Cold is always overshadowing the rest of them, so it's nice to get the others away from him for awhile as well. Also, just pretend I said something silly in this paragraph to make up for the fact that I almost spoke intelligently about this comic book but then only did so in sweeping generalizations because thinking is hard.

Mirror Master and Heatwave have their own little moment as well.

Oh Heatwave! You big softy! Your actions betray you. You're actually laying your life on the line by helping out The Trickster which means you just don't want to feel the guilt and responsibility of one of your friends dying to save you! So cute!

While searching for parts to create a new Mirror Gun, Mirror Master and Heatwave make a god-awful racket. I don't want to lay the blame on either one of them particularly but if you had me at knife point with your dick out and told me I'd have to suck your dick if I didn't give up who was at fault, I'd say, "Mmmm! *gobble gobble suck suck drink* Mmmmm! Wait, what did you say? Why are you holding that knife?"

So anyway, a loud noise occurs through random happenstance and not at all from carelessness which causes the Men-Bats to come investigating because they have super awesome hearing and maths skills which allow them to hear a noise and triangulate the exact location of the noise. Unless they can only do that with their echo location? Oh, who cares! I don't believe in evolution anyway! So bats just hear good cause God gave them big ears.

I see they take after Batman in more ways than one. I bet the number one injury to children in Gotham City is from stepping on broken glass.

Halfway through the issue and Mirror Master doesn't even have his gun built yet! I don't think Poison Ivy is going to get her patch of sun this issue. I hope The Trickster can hold out for another month.

Heatwave and Mirror Master defeat the Men-bats although Heatwave gets pretty fucked up. And even when he's down and feeling like he might die, he still calls out for Mirror Master to help him. Because he knows his friend is there for him and that he would be there for Mirror Master. I think. Maybe Heatwave really is a gigantic selfish prick?! Perhaps I should take people at face value and accept the things they say instead of trying to analyze what they really mean. Because when I'm analyzing somebody, what I'm really doing is conflating who I think they should be. I have no real idea what's going on in anybody else's mind! So why give them the benefit of the doubt when they tell me they're an asshole? If you say you're an asshole, who am I to argue?!

Mirror Master and Heatwave take care of the Men-bats so quickly that they still have plenty of time to save Ivy's garden!

Mirror Master's plan works as he uses the mirrors on a satellite to bring sunlight through the Mirror World and out on to Ivy's garden. But Mirror Master is almost lost and The Trickster (who Ivy cured before the plan was put into action) flies into the Mirror World to save Mirror Master. The point being, the sunlight only lasts for a short time and Poison Ivy isn't particularly happy with the results. That's too bad! I would have liked the idea of Poison Ivy having a nice shiny patch of sun in the middle of Gotham! Although I'm sure as soon as Ultraman heard about it, he'd send Johnny Quick in to bust the mirror and put an end to all the happy, shiny nonsense.

Poison Ivy turns on the Rogues but it doesn't really matter much since the blast of sunlight has attracted the attention of a Man-bat and Mister Freeze.

Oh, and Claypuss.

I once wore my Captain Cold costume (just the top half with the hoodie. Okay, maybe the glasses too) to my old job at Academic Book Center about ten years ago. Everybody's first guess as to who I was? Yep. Mister Freeze. Fuck you, Arnold and that shitty portrayal that brought Mister Freeze to the forefront of everybody's minds when they think of cold based villains! At least I think his portrayal was shitty. You know what? I've never seen Batman and Robin! I should rectify that. Emphasis on the rectify! Because the movie sounds like rectum!

Rogues Rebellion #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. While Forever Evil's Villains Month probably had more misses than hits, the several mini-series that have come out of that event have been fun reads. Even ARGUS! Who'd have thought?! Fucking Steve Trevor isn't a guy I would ever be interested in reading about regularly. But I do like seeing him get his ass beat by Deathstroke. Also, I discovered another artist that I really enjoy! Nice job, Scott Hepburn!

Rogues Rebellion #2

In Which The Parasite Gets Kicked Out of the House on Real World: Keystone City.

Call of Duty: Clan Wars began last week so I fell behind in my reading of comic books to earn some virtual patches that nobody will ever see. I wonder if I can get Sunset Embroidery (my aunt's business) to make some real world versions of my First Place Clan Wars Patches! Then I can affix them to a nice sport coat and pretend I attend a really hoity-toity Country Club where most of the members are probably racist and have never read a work of fiction in their adult lives. Hmm, if my Country Club is imaginary, why can't I imagine it better than every other Country Club that has ever existed? You can't say "Country Club" without "Cunt!" Or "lube" if you have a bit of a weird accent or speech impediment.

Last issue, the Rogues had one job to do and they fucked it up because they allowed their empathy and their ethics to get in the way of their greed. But The Crime Syndicate sent the 2000 Assassanition Bureau Committee to slap their wrists. But apparently they couldn't get the job done fast enough because now Power Ring and Deathstorm have appeared to take away The Rogues' powers and give them a rather severe tongue lashing.

Hmm. I've seen worse tongue lashings than this on Little House on the Prairie! Although to be fair, Laura Ingalls often deserved to be whupped. That child was a true monster. And yet Nellie Olsen gets all the bad press.

Remember Perfect Strangers? Man, no wonder so many Hollywood executives were doing cocaine in the eighties. They could put anything on television and the populace would watch it. "Hey, look at this, Ma! There's a guy with a funny accent on the television! And he's trying to live in America! What a hoot!" Advertising money would pour in faster than anybody in Hollywood knew what to do with it, so they just shoved it up their noses and thought up more half hour comedies where two to four characters with catch phrases argued with each other until wacky hijinks ensued. Some people may think that this country lost its innocence after we dropped a couple of nuclear bombs on Japan while still others believe that Vietnam brought the country into a cynical state of adulthood. But I can point to one single factor that shows most of our country had yet to lose its innocence well into the eighties: Growing Pains had a character named "Boner" on it without the slightest bit of tongue in cheek irony. That's some fifties era level naïveté right there.

I think that every organization should hire one person to be a cynical smart-ass, piece of shit motherfucker. That way, she'll be there to point out when they're putting out a product or starting an ad campaign that could be misconstrued as in bad taste or silly or just fucking messed up. I find myself inadvertently laughing at serious ads or news stories a few times a week because nobody sassed the people in charge about their stupid idea. Too bad I can't think of any examples right now to make my point seem legitimate! But seriously! Companies! You really need a Board of Cynics to look over every single thing you do. It'll make life much easier!

I know I called The Trickster "annoying" and "Toto" last issue but this made me change my mind.

Power Ring's paranoia takes over and he decides The Rogues need to be killed before they begin killing him. So a brawl breaks out between The Crime Goons and The Rogues. This scene already took place in Forever Evil #3 with some minor changes to the dialogue. In Forever Evil #3, Trickster replaces "You guys, obviously he's crazy--Am I right?" with "My mask has been itching all day!" This version is much better. I mentioned earlier that the Rogues had lost their powers but I was wrong. That happens in this fight and took place in Forever Evil #3 which my brain simply assumed happened in Rogues Rebellion #1. Go figure!

A little bit more of the action is covered here since the focus is on the other team members whereas the focus was on Captain Cold in Forever Evil #3. So now we get to see Trickster call Deathstorm "Skeletor" (he says, "Eat metal fist, Skeletor," which I, of course, first read as "Eat metal, Fist Skeletor."). We also get to see this juicy piece of non-information!

What are these two up to? Oh wait. Mirror Master just meant the fog. For a second there, I thought they were Nightwing and Damian disguised as Mirror Master and Heatwave. But then I remembered those characters are both dead. Or as good as, anyway.

Next on the agenda is to recount the pages from Forever Evil where Deathstorm removed Captain Cold's powers. Even though I've already read this bit, I like it much better with Hepburn's art over Finch's as well as some of the slight modifications in the writing. Also, Forever Evil doesn't have a post dick sucking shot of Captain Cold when all is said and done.

Somebody's got dick breath!

I'm sure this comic book isn't going to continually repeat everything that happens in Forever Evil, so my guess is that this comic book will continue to follow the other Rogues as they escape the Crime Syndicate while Captain Cold teams up with Luthor and Bizarro and Black Manta and Black Adam in Forever Evil.

I rant and I rave about the state of comic books today but I don't think I've ever offered any real solutions except for having Batman and Superman comics subsidize all of the other comic books. And I'm often hard pressed to explain what exactly I can't stand about a comic book and what I really like about another. I suppose that's because the real, initial, primary lure of comic books is rarely intellectual. It's visceral and emotional and feelsy. Buccelato tends to write comic books that satisfy my Comic Book Love Zone (yes, it's as disgusting as it sounds). And this here art of Scott Hepburn, who sounds familiar but I'm not sure where I've seen his work before, really rubs up against my Comic Book G-spot. And this page I'm about to scan in is a prime example of the things I love about comic books. This here ruins my Comic Book Underwear. I wish I could say that last sentence was metaphorical.

Trickster has flying shoes, so they'll probably be okay.

Not only is this page tense and fun, it also utilizes the medium of comics in a way that Kenneth Rocafort's staccato, crazy panel layout never can. We get depth and height and the seriousness of the situation in the first panel. It's also static and tame. They are safe for the moment. But it's the next series of panels that really make the page shine. We see the upward, hopeful movement of Mirror Master pulling Heatwave to safety in the first two. But the movement slowly shifts so that when Heatwave and The Trickster finally do slip through Mirror Master's fingers, the panels help to make the reader feel the downward movement. And to top it all off, the whole design feels natural to the eye because the panels also mimic the perspective of the windows on the building. Gorgeous stuff, this.

Trickster's flying shoes don't save them because they have Weather Wizard who is able to create a safety funnel and deposit the Rogues on a nearby roof. The Rogues dust themselves off and find that they're in Metropolis now after being rejected from Mirror World. That would make more sense than Captain Cold running into Lex Luthor in Central City like I thought was going on during Forever Evil #3. It also makes more sense for Black Manta to come swimming out of the ocean with Black Adam in tow! I knew there was something fishy about the set up in Forever Evil!

Captain Cold leaves the Rogues to figure out how to get back to Glider while he runs off to play with Lex Luthor. The next incident in the Rogues life is meeting up with an idiot with a death wish.

Ha ha! That's extra funny because Green Arrow is already low-budget. It's like calling somebody the uncool Aquaman!

The next person, if I can use the term "person," that attacks them is The Parasite. It seems that everybody's magic coin has proclaimed that the Rogues are wanted by the Crime Syndicate. And the Crime Syndicate is actually paying for this job instead of filling everybody's clutch purses with hope and promises. Did Twat Lobo get a coin? Because I think just hearing about a job that pays means that he has to complete it due to his ethics or something. Unless Twat Lobo is less ethical than Regular Flavoured Lobo.

Time for a What Not to Wear, Super-Villain Edition? I would vote for Signalman to be on the show.

Parasite usually fights Superman so I would recommend to the Rogues that they get the fuck out of there as fast as possible. Weather Wizard blasts the Parasite with lightning (not "lightening," Internet) and fills him super full of tasty good potential energy which he's just dying to make kinetic all over Weather Wizard's face. Weather Wizard desperately calls for a new plan five times although I already told him the best plan! In the immortal words of the Amityville Pig Ghost: "GET. OUT."

They decide to go with my (and the Pig Ghost's) plan and escape into the Mirror World. Which Mirror Master has no ability to control anymore. So they're quickly rocketed out of it into another random location. Although not the real type of random. The kind of random where they don't get to choose but the writer has already thought out and planned for them all along.

If it were truly random, they probably would have come out in San Jose, California.

Rogues Rebellion #2 Rating: +4 Ranking. Do I have to justify my rankings at this point? This blog was never supposed to be a review site and yet sometimes people feel incomplete if I just make jokes and don't actually give my opinion. I suppose it's the same sort of feeling people experienced when walking out of The Blair Witch Project. That movie made people physically ill and, I suspect, many of them probably blamed it on the way it was filmed. But I'll tell you why they really felt ill. Because the movie offered no catharsis. It built more and more tension throughout the film, building up to a crescendo and what should have been a huge scare or epic reveal. Instead, it just ended with a guy possibly masturbating in the corner and the camera falling on the floor. There was no huge release. No scream to get out the built up tension. Instead, it remained a tight ball in the pit of the stomach. I'm surprised more people didn't walk out of the theater and vandalize cars in the parking lot. Oh, I almost forgot my justification! This comic book was fun and I like fun comic books and I'm a big fan of Captain Cold.

Rogues Rebellion #1

Mirror Master, that gun doesn't fit your theme! Unless it shoots mirror bullets that only kill people when you shoot their reflections! That would actually be a cool gun! Albeit of limited use.

When the Crime Syndicate decided to take over Earth Prime (or Earth Zero (or New Earth Prime (or New Earth Prime Zero Hour Year Infinity 52))), some super villains decided not to join their stupid Secret Society of Super-villains. Or maybe some of them just didn't receive an invite via Fancy Latin Coin. And, of course, Monocle just got his head blown off instead of joining which really seems, to me, like a poor decision. To each his own, I guess!

The Rogues decided to protect what is theirs in Keystral City because they have a motto: "Bros over nightmare assholes from another dimension." It's not a great motto but it's easy to understand! I guess this comic book is their story!

After returning from the Secret Society meet-up in Happy Harbor, The Rogues return to Keystral City to find it in ruins. That's because they helped stop the city from being destroyed by apes but then left for a few hours and forgot to lock the doors and the apes got back in while they were away.

The apes did that to him! I hope they didn't get The Folded Man!

After finding Girder crushed because he was a stupid one panel villain from The Flash's early run and destined to become cannon fodder, The Rogues wander into the Forest of Chained Up Cops. It's beginning to feel like The Wizard of Oz! Captain Cold is Dorothy because he's the main character and he wears blue. Mirror Master is The Tin Man because he spent so many years trapped inside a prison unable to love. Weather Wizard is the Lion because fuck you, he just is. Heatwave is the Scarecrow because their names have two syllables and they both have an issue with fire. And The Trickster is Toto because they're both annoying! They're all perfectly analogous to each of the other characters! Only stupid dumb internet monsters that love to argue couldn't see it! It's so blatantly obvious!

So Captain Cold must find a way to return to his beautiful Keystone Kansas as opposed to this war-torn realm full of non-flying apes and evil pig trees. But to save his home, he must first find Glider the Good Witch and make sure she's okay.

Yep! She's fine! Next on the agenda?

The Rogues stand around Glider's room in their ridiculous costumes trying to have a seriously emotional moment. "How is she? What do we do?" asks the green hooded guy in the half-face mask with the dumb orange body suit, desperate to save the woman he loves. "I don't know," says the man in the furry hoodie with the Devo glasses and yellow cummerbund and the white ski boots, sick with worry for his comatose sister.

Before the tone gets too depressing and serious and super hilarious seeing as how they all look so goofy while crying and being emotional jerks, Firestorm's Rogues Gallery arrives to bring them a message from the Crime Syndicate.

Since Grodd and his apes represented the motorcycle riding monkeys, these guys must be the subway trashcans full of teeth.

Should we play a guessing game? Who would best match up with whom? Captain Cold versus Typhoon should be over immediately although I have a feeling Typhoon will end up comparing weather phenomena with Weather Wizard. The Hyena obviously wants The Trickster, so I guess I have to give them that one. Captain Cold (since I stole Typhoon from him) will match up with Multiplex so he can freeze his various aspects. Heatwave can set Black Bison's headdress and magic staff on fire. And Mirror Master can hide himself and Glider inside the Mirror World, away from Plastique's explosions. Or maybe Captain Cold will just defeat them all because Captain Cold is the greatest Rogue ever.

Hearing is definitely a sense!

Heatwave begins by calling out the "hot little ginger." At first I thought he meant Hyena but it seems like he's going after Plastique. My gut reaction when calling the pairs was to put these two together but it just seemed too dangerous! I don't think anybody is going to win this fight because they're all going to become trapped in a burning building whose structure has been weakened by dozens of explosions!

See!? Remember, this is all going down in a hospital corridor!

It turns out I was slightly wrong. For some reason, Plastique and Heatwave took their fight outside. Safety first! I noticed because on the next page, Weather Wizard and Typhoon are measuring their tidal waves out by a fire hydrant.

Weather Wizard's is bigger.

Trickster matches teeny, tiny wits with The Hyena while Captain Cold battles Black Bison because they're the leaders of each group. Captain Cold also has to battle Multiplex because why not? Put down the guy giving orders and the rest of them won't have to listen to any more orders! I think that helps in battle somehow. Although Mirror Master isn't listening to Captain Cold's orders anyway since he leaves Lisa's side to help Captain Cold with Multiplex.

Ha ha! Mirror Master is going to kill all of Multiplex's clones by starving them to death!

Since Mirror Master was supposed to be watching over Lisa, that means Black Bison probably now has her and is going to threaten her life to get the Rogues to stand down. That's just the kind of wacky thing that usually happens during gang fights.

Except Black Bison never reappears with Glider because there are only two more pages left. One page is used for Captain Cold to yell at Mirror Master for not following orders and the other page deals with the appearance of Deathstorm and Power Ring. They're here to kill the Rogues because what else can you do to those assholes that click "decline" on your party evites? Fuckers.

Rogues Rebellion #1 Rating: I'm going to start this at Rank #26 because it was a pretty decent comic-book comic book (can you use a noun as an adjective to describe the exact same noun? Is that allowed anywhere besides my commentaries? It's more than allowed here!) but there really wasn't anything extra special sauce about it. The worst part of the entire experience was having to look at that advert for Scott Lobdell's next big story arc, KRYPTON RETURNS! Can't he just fucking write his comic book without rubbing his stink glands all over the other Superbooks? Stop uniting them with ridiculous "alternate timelines" stories. Why couldn't he leave his X-men shit at the door to DC's offices?

The Rogues #1

How is DC not pitching this as a sitcom?

The Rogues even have a location for the sitcom all set up: the Keystone Saloon! Sure, the name can use a little work. And it might seem a bit derivative of Cheers. But when did Cheers have super villains? That's right. Never. Carla may have been a super asshole and Cliff was a bumbling mega-genius, but they didn't have costumes, so it doesn't count. The other main set could be the jail and the Rogues could just suddenly appear and disappear from one location to the next in a red blur as The Flash captures them or lets them go, depending on how well his Crime Scene Detectivating went. Oh yeah! Barry is CSI! So I suppose if the networks aren't looking for a superhero sitcom, they can always have another CSI spinoff. CSI: Keystone.

Since Mirror Master was not stuck in Mirrorworld during Forever Evil, I expect him to learn how to free himself during this issue or else Geoff Johns is a walking embarrassment. With the hope that that turns out to be true, let's get on with this shit.

That scan is all wonky and I'm not even drunk! I blame the printers!

Mirror Master is currently out of the mirror but this is still the "NOW" of The New 52 Timeline, so we should still expect some flashbacks. My guess is that Mirror Master broke free with the power of love!

That Narration Box by Captain Cold is really awkward. "We look like costumed freaks so that we'll be underestimated"? I would expect people to overestimate a jerk in a flashy costume. And I have experience with being overestimated as Captain Cold!

Wonder Woman just gave up because I was so accurate with my Silly String Freeze Ray.

That's Doom Bunny as Wonder Woman! His wife bought the wig for him and she's apparently the only person in America that has no idea what Wonder Woman looks like.

Back before The Crime Syndicate and Gorilla Grodd Redux, The Rogues were busy trying to strike it rich by robbing a bank. That's a Speed Force Point for me because they were trying to rob the bank by going through a mine! Thus strike it rich! That was probably what Buccellato was going for. Maybe I should split the Speed Force Point with him. Maybe I shouldn't even be discussing Speed Force Points since I stopped using them well over a year ago and now nobody knows what the fuck I'm talking about!

Your starting line-up for tonight's comic!

The Rogues fail to steal ten million dollars because DC doesn't want rich super villains! What good are rich villains? What would motivate them to commit crimes? Even as I began asking that question, I knew it was stupid. Super Villains are always trying to steal as much money as possible. And to steal all that money, they usually spend a fortune on expensive gadgets and cutting edge technology. I suppose once they can afford to build a super secret space satellite, they have to keep committing crimes to pay for the staff and the fuel and the cable, electric, and water bills. It sounds like a stressful job being a super villain. I wouldn't bother even if I had a super power. I'd probably just go out on the street and busk to make enough money to pay for rent and food. And cable, of course.

The morning after The Rogue's celebration for failing to steal ten million dollars but full of self-congratulations for not having accidentally killed a building full of people, Glider decides it's time to rescue Mirror Master from his crappy Mirrorworld. It really does sound like a pretty boring place. Except you can go around watching people have sex. But you probably can't bake cookies.

Glider manages to free Mirror Master by using her Astral Projection somehow. It's all very metaphysical and you probably wouldn't understand the science behind the procedure. Not because you're too stupid but because I can't spell science words at all! You'd just be really confused when I began talking about tacky ions and electroencephalicardigans. I also can't explain the biology of why Glider goes into heart failure after freeing her beau.

Being that Glider is Captain Cold's sister, he throws a temper tantrum because she's dying. He decides to break up the team, get drunk, and go rob a bank.

Oh my god! You Rogues are boring the fuck out of me! "Don't kill anybody!" "Don't let my sister die!" "Don't rob banks while you're drunk!" Whiniest villains ever.

Everybody winds up in Mirrorworld for a gigantic group hug warm fuzzy feel good bullshit moment. Glider may be back in her coma but the rest of the team remains together. And they decide to allow Trickster back in for good measure. Which is where this thing began with the scene from Forever Evil. The team go to the Society meet and greet just like everybody else and then return to Keystone City to take over only to find a stupid monkey has already done it. And then left. Because he apparently has ADHD.

The Rogues #1 Rating: It could be that I'm very, very sleepy but I suspect this issue was just fucking stupid. We did learn how Mirror Master was freed but that was stupid. And we learned that The Rogues allowed Trickster back on the team but who fucking cares? Nothing really happened in this issue except Glider was sidelined and The Rogues ended up in a place where they're ready to fight for Keystone City in what will probably be a really shitty and unnecessary mini-series. That's my summation which is pretty shitty considering I've got major wood for The Rogues Gallery! So disappointingly mundane.

Batman Loves Superman #2

Sometimes super heroes fight each other. Sometimes super heroes fight themselves.

At times writing these commentaries, I feel like a midwife that has hung around a bit too long. My righteous anger and withering indignation was desperately needed during the formative years when DC wasn't totally sure what they were doing and Scott Lobdell was writing four different titles. But as the quality of the books steadily improves, I have less and less to be angry about and it gets harder and harder to find things to rant about. Writing commentaries on comic books I'm actually enjoying isn't much fun. For anybody!

Me!: "Scott Snyder didn't have a good handle on Swamp Thing but Charles Soule can handle my 'swamp thing' any day of the week! Except for Wednesdays because that's when Solomon Grundy gets me to himself. Isn't that how the poem goes? 'Solomon Grundy, anilingus on Wednesday'? I mean, Charles could join us if he wants because he's fucking rocking the swamp socks off Swamp Thing! So good. Did I mention it was good? Loving how good it is. Really good. It might be the best writing I've ever read when compared to Scott Lobdell. Although I think there are only two tiers of writing. Scott Lobdell's writing and everything else as the best writing when compared to Scott Lobdell."

Hmm. That actually entertained me! Maybe I can do decent commentaries about books I enjoy reading! Tinkerbell, come spray some of your twinkling pee on me because I'm ready to fucking fly!

Last issue of Batman Trying Desperately Not to Shank Superman, the two heroes had been BOOOM tubed to an alternate reality where Pa Kent was still alive and Superman and Batman were already best pals. They became best friends in this alternate reality because Jimmy Olsen was stillborn so Clark needed a best friend. And Batman's heart hadn't withered to a tiny, rock-hard little peach pit, so he had room for a friend in his life. They met at an Overeater's Anonymous meeting because they were looking for Green Lantern who had once mentioned he worked at some place called OA. They didn't realize that the Green Lantern they met was from an alternate universe as well since their alternate universe won't have a Green Lantern until they're dead and he won't have anything to do with OA. Unless that's a shorthand in personals columns for "ORAL/ANAL".

Superman was BOOOOOOM Tubed into a field in Smallville last issue. This issue begins with Batman appearing at Earth 2's Wayne Manor where he's got a nasty albeit sexy surprise in store for him. Why didn't I just use "although"? Maybe I'm being unduly influenced by Earth 2's stupidities. I'm using "stupidities" here as a judgmental term for "differences" because I have Earth Prime Pride, bitches! Fuck y'all over there on Earth 2! Subhumans!

Alfred has a night off? Earth Two is weird.

Batman, being a detective, quickly realizes he's in an alternate reality when he sees a wedding photo of Bruce and Selina after Catwoman calls him husband but mostly because of Alfred taking a night off. Who is Alfred hanging out with? He has friends on Earth Two? Is he dating somebody?

Back in Smallville, Superman might be discovering the same thing as Pa Kent approaches him. "But Pa Kent is dead...at least in my world!" That was a play on the way Batman made his realization at the end of the last scene. Who thinks like that? "This is all very strange and different so it must not be MY WORLD!" I'm going to begin pretending I'm a comic book character and react to all of my future encounters in comic book style. How long before I'm thrown in a mental ward, diagnosed with Schizophrenia and delusions of superherodom?

Although I found Batman's reaction to his Catwife strange, I find Superman's reaction to his father even stranger.

Pa Kent didn't die in hospice! He died at home! Where you took him, Clark! You can't even remember the death of your father correctly!

Superman isn't a detective so he doesn't think in terms of "alternate realities" and "not my worlds" and other stuff master detectives would quickly realize is the only improbable possibility after having ruled out all of the other possibilities. But Earth Two Batman begins to suspect he knows what's going on (because he's a detective too!) so The Trickster, Kaiyo, BOOOM Tubes him away. Perhaps she'll send him back to the Batcave so he can see his wife cheating on him with himself.

Oh, and Pa and Ma Kent weren't too thrilled by this "superman" beating the living shit out of his best friend. Pa realizes this isn't his boy at all! He's a monster from another world. Which he totally is. And then the monster from this world appears to defend his parents! Earth Prime Superman is in big trouble because he's probably still weak from the Kryptonite and if Earth Two Superman simply sees another person in Kryptonian Lingerie, he probably won't be pulling any punches.

Back at the Batcave, Batman does arrive to find Batman has his wife tied to a chair.

It's almost like a Batman on Batman sex tape.

But before he discovers the tryst, he also manages to see the incorporeal being that is behind it all. And he's deduced that these doubles might be from a different world as well. The fucking Batmen are so fucking smart. Although Earth Two Batman may have already traveled to another world in his career. He may be quite familiar with Earth Six or something. Maybe it was his traveling between Earths that piqued Darkseid's interests.

Batman's Reverse Dragon Punch (which he learned from a fifty's restaurant owner that forced him to give his dragons Brazilians) is easily countered by Batman. But since Batman (and the old Japanese man) were the only people in the world to know the Reverse Dragon Punch, Batman (and Batman!) begins suspecting some weird shenanigans. He tries out a few other moves that only he knows, like Flaccid Knobbed Bunny Kick and Kitten Fight Monkey Truck. But Batman is able to block those moves as well! It's a mystery to discover and these are the detectives to discover it! Once they realize they know all the same moves, Batman asks Batman a question only Batman can answer: At what age did we begin masturbating? And when Batman knows the answer, they call a truce.

Why doesn't anybody vote clones? Oh yeah. Because this isn't Marvel.

Back at the farm, I'm realizing I'm not a big fan of Earth Two Superman and his holier than thou folks. Not using curse words should not automatically equate to home cookin' and down to earth values. There's a certain point where social etiquette and traditional manners simply become overbearing rules for rules sake and do not express the quality of the person. Actually, Clark's folks seem okay to me in that they tsk tsk both Supermen for their behaviour. But this following panel kind of pisses me off.

"I were raised to not make use of them bad words but if'n you yell at my face, yous gonna gets it!"

I'm really trying my hardest to fill my commentary with some sort of righteous indignation but I just can't do it. I actually like this moment. Especially since, from Superman's position in that last panel, it looks like Superman may have just put his hand up to keep Superman from getting too close. And because Superman is still very weak from Batman's Kryptonite, he ends up knocked on his ass. And I don't think it's so much as using bad language as the language Superman chooses to use. Saying "hell" might be a bit of a blasphemy on the Kents' land. And then when he's about to call Superman a "son of a bitch," well, now you're attacking Ma and Ma ain't too fucking happy about that one. Especially since Superman is basically calling his own dead mother a bitch in the same sentence!

And leave it to Ma to work out the trouble between what is essentially a pair of siblings.

Now I wish my parents were dead so I could experience a hug from my mother from another world!

I don't know why it just hit me that Superman and Batman have both lost their parents to tragic events now. I've been so used to The Kents being alive for nearly all of my comic book reading that I just haven't given it much thought that Superman and Batman now have this connection, thanks to Mr. Mxyzptlk. I mean Vyndktvx! Oh, they're probably the same person anyway, stupid fifth dimensional beings. I find it hard to believe that Ma and Pa Kent were even allowed to die in The Silver Age! I suppose they had to die at some point in the Superboy comic book since they were always dead in Superman's adult life. But I wasn't reading DC until Crisis on Infinite Earths, so Ma and Pa Kent were pretty much resurrected for the time I was reading.

I couldn't remember in what wacky way the Kents died in the Silver Age (I just remembered it was wacky!), so I asked Lord Google about it. When I did, I found a forum with fanboys (one in particular. Isn't that always the way? The worst are full of passionate intensity, amirite?) picking apart Morrison's portrayal of Pa Kent's death as being plagiarized from Spiderman's origin with the death of Uncle Ben. First off, those idiots need to know more history than the shallow fucking shit they can interpret with their scrawny little fish brains. If you're going to blame anybody for ripping off Spiderman (and I'm not agreeing at all that Pa's death scene is a ripoff of Spiderman! Just going with it for now!), don't blame Morrison. Blame whoever wrote the Superboy story where the Kents die of some tropical disease since Morrison basically revamped Pa's death in that for The New 52 story. Instead of making sarcastic remarks that every DC story is stolen from Marvel, actually debate the point logically and provide examples!

One of the things I liked about Pa's death in Morrison's run was how Superman actually had the option to bring his parents back to life. He had one last wish which he could have used to return everything to "the way it should have been." But he's grown and he's mourned and he has not based his life around their death and his inability to save them. It happened and he was sad and he wished he could have saved them with his powers but he can't save everyone. It's a lesson Superman needs to learn with his heart and not just know with his penis brain. He chooses to save a young boy he promised to save and couldn't within the Vyndktvx strange ass time frame. It changes less and it lets Superman keep a promise he desperately needed to keep. The difference with Spiderman is that he had the opportunity to stop the thief that killed his Uncle at a later time. He had powers and he had a moment and he shrugged it off as not his problem. That situation can fuck with your head. Peter Parker should have serious issues about guilt when he is, because of his great powers, greatly responsible for his Uncle's death. Not directly, of course! But through his general apathy, he learns a huge fucking lesson. Superman doesn't have any of that baggage about his father's death. Although they did die because Superman makes an enemy that he never actually knows about until defeating him upon first meeting him! But that gets into some really weird metaphysical time-traveling alternate dimensional weirdnesses that nobody can fault Superman for! Maybe Morrison. But not Superman!

If that last paragraph was too convoluted and confusing, blame it on Mr. Mxyzptlk. He probably changed it or something because I assure you it was coherent when I wrote it.

I think I was saying something about Batman and Superman having something in common besides a fat cock. Although Alfred has to take care of Bruce's since he grew up in the city. At least Clark has the knowledge needed to raise chickens himself.

Back to the comic book, everyone has stopped fighting. The Batmen take a tour of Gotham where Batman gets to see firsthand Gotham's cryo-prison where horrible monsters like The Joker and Aquawoman are locked up for good.

And the new Arkham Asylum with its insane roller coasters and crazy games.

Meanwhile Superman flies to Metropolis with Superman leap-frogging along beside him. I suppose Superman eventually learns to fly once he's soaked up enough solar radiation. Or maybe he needs to fix an inner ear problem. They're in the big city so that Clark can meet Clark's wife, Lois Lane. They also meet up with Wonder Woman.

Who promptly pins Lois to the ground with her spear.

That's because Lois is currently possessed by The Trickster! Darn. I thought there was going to be some drama between Clark's wife and his mistress.

Batman Loves Superman #2 Rating: +4 Ranking. This book is a top-notch comic book. I am happy.

The Flash #19

This issue should probably be dedicated to Carmine Infantino.

The Flash recently lost his powers to some irresponsible jerks with a magic dial and now he's trapped inside Iron Heights Penitentiary (unless it's called something different) while Outlander Nation storm the walls to free The Trickster. And now it looks like Reverse Flash is coming from the future to cause a Reverse Flash Point. This won't restore DC's old Universe. It'll just make this, hopefully, The New 25! Then maybe I'll actually have some fucking free time to do some other reading and writing. And have relationships with things. And keep my business from failing. And eat more cookies.

I actually began typing "Get more exercise" for that last one and then thought I'd be honest.

Luckily news reports update everybody constantly so that Speed Force can learn about the trouble at Iron Heights and head over to help out. It'll be nice to have a few people who haven't had their powers stolen in on the action even if they have stupid powers like flying Segways and running really fast in super short bursts. Unless Sprint and Turbo Charger have different powers than I'm guessing they have because their powers weren't actually explained last issue. And why did just these two guys get powers while Sprint's girlfriend and Iris West didn't get any? The Speed Force Dimension is fucking sexist.

It looks like Sprint has already discovered the fringe benefits of super powers.

Over at Iron Heights Prison, Outlander Nation seems to have decided that saving The Trickster isn't exactly their main priority. Why not rob the Prison Armory while they're there, right? Too bad for them, Barry Allen (who isn't The Flash right now because of stupid Nelson Whatshisname) has beat them to it. Sure, he's locked in. But he's gathering up all of the super villain weaponry to protect it. In the first panel Barry appears, he's gathering up boomerangs. But who uses Boomerangs anymore? Captain Boomerang doesn't use physical boomerangs! He creates them out of thin air or something. Just like all of The Flash's enemies now. None of them use weapons anymore since everybody finally realized that The Flash instantly disarming super villains made for a really boring comic book that still somehow ran for hundreds of issues. I guess the weapons Barry's getting together are all from the old days before the super villains actually became super.

Apparently the Prison Armory isn't very secure since Barry just climbs through a ceiling tile and gets into the hallway behind the Outlanders. This prison is awful. No wonder it can't hold any Rogues for long.

Yep! Weapons from the old days.

Barry uses the weather wand to create a windstorm that blows the bad guys (and the guard) into the wall, knocking them out. That's some pretty shitty genetic coding on that wand. Unless Barry Allen is The Weather Wizard! Or related to him. Or has some of his semen on his hand. Next Barry takes out another group with one of Trickster's balls. This fight is getting super sexy! I mean disgusting!

Somewhere else in the prison, Turbocharger (I guess his name is one word!) overloads a circuit breaker while trying to help and releases all of the inmates instead. His partner, Sprint, hasn't shown up because he's probably off robbing a bank. And I don't blame him! The Flash treated him like shit last issue and told him not to use his powers. Who the fuck does The Flash think he is? Arbirter of who gets to use super powers? That's the Goddamned Batman's job. Boy, The Flash will steal work from anybody.

Eventually Barry finds Turbocharger surrounded by Trickster and the last of Outlander Nation. Using Captain Cold's old gun, Barry has Turborcharger "turbocharge" it, and he fires on Outlander Nation.

Instantly killing them all. This is one of my favorite comic book suspension of disbelief assumptions: encasing a person in solid ice is a means of subduing people as opposed to a means of freezing, suffocating, and crushing them.

One of the people encased in the ice is Sprint's girlfriend, Marissa. Barry realizes that she was the one making the vibrations shaking the prison. So the Speed Force isn't sexist! I guess it's just that when a woman gets super powers, she doesn't feel the need to pull them out and show them to everybody at every party she goes to. This probably means that Iris West also has some trick up her sleeve. Too bad Marissa is now frozen and dead before we even got to learn her super power name. I bet it's The Vibrator.

It also turns out that Marissa was the jerk that stole the diamonds and killed the security guy. So it wasn't Sprint using his powers to steal shit. It was this asshole! No wonder she was keeping her powers secret. And since they arrest her later, I guess she and everybody else frozen in the ice didn't die.

What do you mean nobody was around to see it? Do the people encased in ice go blind? Am I expected to believe they're in some kind of stasis? Are they unconscious? In a coma? I think what this actually means is Marissa, The Trickster, and a dozen Outlander Nation guys now know Barry Allen is The Flash.

After all the ice thaws and the prisoners are rounded up and moved to a location safer than a prison where inmates can escape through ceiling tiles, The Flash explains how the crime was committed to a derp-faced Turbocharger.

I think you ruin the purity of the pun by adding "literally" to it.

The Flash realizes that everybody who spent time in the Speed Force now has powers except for Iris. Should I phrase that differently? The Flash has learned about the powers granted to everybody who spent time in the Speed Force except for Iris's power. I bet she now has Speed Mind capabilities. She's going to be the greatest interviewer/journalist ever!

The Flash decides to do research on why he lost his powers and he makes an obvious discovery: Batman was already working on the problem before The Flash lost his powers. That Batman is so smart! I don't think Batman knows about Nelson and Roxie (look at me! I'm a doubter! How can I not believe Batman already knows everything?!) but he is keeping tabs on the Canadian Organization that The Human Centipede works for. Or, um, used to work for. Cyborg promises to keep some RAM open to monitor the crazy Dial events.

And then Cyborg makes a joke which I guess he hasn't done for five years because The Flash is completely shocked by it! So if you're keeping score, it takes five years to be able to joke about having most of your body destroyed and then merged to a high-tech computer.

The issue ends with Reverse Flash reverse killing Turbocharger. What I mean to say is he had just killed Turbocharger and then he pulled a Braid and reversed time so that Turbocharger was alive. He may or may not have done this so he could enjoy killing him a second time.

The Flash #19 Rating: +1 Ranking. As always, this comic gives up the good times. Marcio Takara's art seemed rushed in places but that might just be because he's drawing The Flash and he's trying to keep the artwork thematic! I hope Reverse Flash doesn't break The New 52 just a year and a half in. Maybe The Reverse Flash will get his own title after this where he goes back and forward in time watching the heroes that don't exist anymore but did exist before the Reboot. It could be like a DC Universe Presents but it would be called Reverse Flash Presents Tales From the Preboot.