Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Action Comics #26

I hope before battling this creature, Superman made sure it wasn't just a misunderstood alien creature, the last of its race, looking for asylum on Earth.

Last issue, Clark Kent was having lunch in Metropolis when he heard Lana Lang and a bunch of miners scream for help as they were attacked by a monster. Instead of being annoyed and ignoring it because he still has ten minutes left on his lunch break like the rest of us would do, Superman flies off to the rescue! Although he might only be making this special trip because he heard Lana Lang scream, "Clark by God if you don't save me right now you will never again get a look at this perfect ass!"

I'm also not entirely sure when this story takes place. I think it's a bit earlier in Superman's career not long after Zero Year. Maybe two years at most? When does he meet Lois Lane and completely forget he ever dated a girl named Lana?

Squat thrusts? Picking up a penny? Imitating The Beast?

Since these miners have dug too deep and released a monster, can I accuse Greg Pak of stealing this story from Lord of the Rings? You know, in the same way that every weeaboo in the world scoffs that The Hunger Games are a rip off of Battle Royale? I just like to go around pointing out that everything was stolen from The Bible. "Meh. Jacob did that first." "*scoff* Can you say King David, anyone?" "Please, that was old when Jesus did it."

Look, I admit it! When I first heard of The Hunger Games, I said, "Oh, like Battle Royale?" But I didn't condemn it and decide it was the worst thing in the world and went around feeling superior because I already knew of a story where kids killed each other in some kind of government sponsored contest of gore. Or I might have gone around feeling superior about that. It's hard to tell since I feel superior all the time about almost everything.

Anyway, Superman arrives to save Lana from the gigantic monster. Yay!

Greg Pak must be stuck in his Batman Loves Superman mode because this and last issue do the same thing where we alternate between the inner minds of the protagonists. This time though we have Lana Lang's thoughts instead of crabby old Batman's. As Superman is worried by the monster (you know "worried," right? When an animal grabs another animal with its teeth and shakes the fuck out of it?), he thinks about how he still feels the need to impress Lana even though he's dating Wonder Woman. Well, that clears up that timeline shit! This is taking place in DC's NOW!

Also, Greg Pak uses "literally" again. He really likes that word. Which was the first inkling that he might not be the best writer in comic book history. My second inkling that he might not be the best was Batman Loves Superman #6. Ugh. What the fuck happened there? I was enjoying it so much up until that Batman becoming a Laser-Eyed Robotic mess controlled by Jimmy Olsen while trying to battle Mongul and high as fuck on Fury Blossoms.

Suzanne Collins also uses literally in places it never needs to be. See how I avoided saying she literally uses literally too much?! That's just the kind of responsible writing you'll find on this blog! It shows my grave restraint and self-control. Although I don't have that much self-control because I still typed it to point out how I avoided typing it.

Who cares if it's Lana's truck, Supes. Perhaps you should think twice before destroying anybody's property while battling the bad guys. You're perfectly capable of using fists and laser eyes.

Superman throws the truck at the monster because it's too late to salvage it simply because Lana is going to be supremely pissed at him. But Superman misses because he's no Arsenal. Why would Superman think he could make a weapon out of a stupid cargo truck? But something odd happens when Superman misses the monster.

I'd like to point you to the caption I placed under the cover of this issue. Thank you. I think I'll allow myself a Level Up for making the call that not everything is always as it would seem. That means I've gone from Initiate Comic Book Reader to Brother Comic Book Reader. Which sounds a bit strange. But that's the next title, dammit! Anyway, I won't be a Brother for long because a little pájaro has mentioned that I'll be leveling up again real soon when I read Vibe #10! I can't wait! I bet it's because we're finally introduced to Purgatorio!

I have the feeling "pájaro" probably has a slang connotation with which I'm unfamiliar. I just meant a little bird told me!

I do prefer it when strangers I meet call me "brother" though. It gives me that thrill that Charlie must have always felt when Desmond was about to save his life again.

I wonder how Krypto is going to feel about Superman bringing home a stray? And how the fuck is Superman going to keep this rescue animal fed? Hopefully it feeds off of sunlight just like Clark does. The whole playing fetch thing sends Superman into a moment of remembrance when he was a young boy in Smallville learning to ride a bike with no hands. Or wheels. Or ground.

The memory is also of Clark's first use of his heat vision when he nearly burned down Smallville. He could tell by his dad's voice that Pa was, even if just a moment, afraid of his son. Clark was a monster.

And then back to the present where Superman realizes the big monster keeps yelling "Stupid!" at everybody.

No, you're a weeaboo!

Superman destroys the Drone Planes firing on the monster. Lang and Sanchez react accordingly to the realization that Superman is helping the monster. Sanchez thinks he's a jerk but Lana trusts him. Even if he did destroy her truck and laugh about it. Dick.

If there wasn't already enough going on, Superman is suddenly attacked by some guy named Ghost Soldier. He wields two knives and a deadly mohawk. He also seems to create rings of fire as he flies. Probably because ghosts aren't supposed to fly that quickly because their ectoplasm reacts to the friction induced by high velocities through the atmosphere.

Ghost Soldier is able to make his knives intangible at will. This allows him to leave one stuck in Superman's chest, probably where his heart would have been if he wasn't Kryptonian. Superman can't control the creature and fight Ghost Soldier while a knife is sticking out of his chest, so he flies the monster back to the Kennel of Solitude before returning to figure out what the fuck is Ghost Soldier's problem.

Except Superman doesn't say anything. He just returns the knife and flies away. Lana realizes Clark was helping the creature so she decides to investigate the hole they were drilling to see if she can't find a clue to this mystery.

Now Pak is stealing from Lovecraft!

Superman feeds the beast back at home and sits back to watch it sleep. That's when it transforms into a little humanoid using Supe's cape as a binkie. Aww.

He should have fucking killed it.

Action Comics #26 Rating: +3 Ranking. That's probably all that needs to be said about this comic but I have something else to say. This was a $3.99 comic book and it only had 22 pages of story! The usual $2.99 books have 20 pages! Those were two very expensive pages, DC! I suppose it could be argued that the book didn't have any advertisements interrupting those twenty two pages of story which, I must say, was nice. But I wonder how much that stupid Mad Magazine insert played into the shortage of pages? Hopefully this is the last time I see that fucking thing! Although I doubt it since it's been infiltrating the December books now.

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