Suicide Squad Most Wanted: El Diablo and Amanda Waller #6

Amanda Waller either just got a hot poker up the ass or hears the ice cream truck and needs a money.

El Diablo Review!
Diablo was killed by Deadshot last issue. And then Deadshot went home, I guess. But El Diablo can't stay dead because his name is on the cover. The only characters who get to stay dead while their name is on the cover are Deadman and Casper. El Diablo has to come back to life to rescue Azucar. He has to rescue her from Dalesko who is the bad guy, I guess? It feels like this story has had more than six parts. El Diablo went home and battled Bloodlettor. El Diablo fought Parasite in a Luthor building. El Diablo battled alongside Uncle Sam while working for Checkmate. El Diablo had sex with Azucar. El Diablo fought Sin Tzu's mutated monsters of Gotham. El Diablo battled alongside Xolotl the White Martian against the Suicide Squad. So forgive me if I'm a little bit unclear as to who this Dalesko is and what he wants. I mean, the fallen angel that brings El Diablo back to life explains that he's just a guy who wants superpowers. And now he has them because he stole them from Xolotl who was the guy El Diablo and Uncle Sam battled before El Diablo went home to battle Bloodlettor which later led him to Gotham to where he battled Dalesko's puppet, Sin Tzu, after which Batman gave him some information leading him back to the desert where he was reunited with a friendlier Xolotl. And, um, here we are!

Don't get so cocky, you ugly motherfucker! This isn't Suicide Squad Most Wanted: Dalesko and Amanda Waller #6.

El Diablo's deal with the devil was that he'd return to life if the devil battled Dalesko for him. Not that it was really the devil but close enough for DC Continuity purposes. Dalesko winds up in Hell, 'natch!

By agreeing to the devil's terms to save Azucar, El Diablo loses Azucar anyway when she recognizes the devil inside him. She wants nothing to do with him. So El Diablo goes back to Belle Reve and Amanda Waller and the Suicide Squad because what else is there, I guess?

The Ranking!
-1! The ending was less than satisfying! Which I should have suspected since the entire story was the same.

Amanda Waller Review!
This panel basically sums up the Amanda Waller story:

This also sums up what I'd like to say to my mom and Jesus Christ!

I think there might be a little bit more where Waller learns mercy or compassion or maybe just feels a little bit closer to her Squad. But since I'd rather think of Amanda Waller as the bitch who gets things done and doesn't give a shit about the criminal piece of shit pawns she uses, I'll just forget the last half of the story.

The Ranking!
No change!

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: El Diablo and Amanda Waller #5

Did Amanda Waller lose weight?

El Diablo Review!
The last issue ended with El Diablo, Azucar, and Xolotl being attacked by the most suicidal squad in Suicide Squad history. I don't say that because this mission is particularly dangerous. I just mean none of the members are popular enough to ensure that they'll survive. Maybe Sumo will live because he's a Bat-villain and a Bat-villain can't die in a non-Batman comic book. Although he's a relatively new Bat-villain having been created in The New 52. Also, has he ever really battled the Bat? I think he's probably due for a good death, along with the rest of this shitty, unknown Suicide Squad.

To make sure readers know who these unknown Squad members who are about to die are, Xolotl is all, "Give me a rundown on our foes' Who's Who entries!" The Squad members are Bloodletter, the guy who was bullying El Diablo's neighborhood after El Diablo went to prison. Jizz, a criminal Thanagarian. Leviathan, some water dude. Behemoth, the guy I thought was Sumo because he's fat and Asian. And Zoomax who appeared in the first issue of this series.

Zoomax is killed first. I suppose I could be kind and count this as an actual death in the Suicide Squad but when have I ever been known to be kind? Technically, this isn't a Suicide Squad comic book. Death in the Squad only counts when they're the protagonists.

The Justice League of Mexico arrives to escalate the situation. Their members are Iman, El Muerto, Acrata, and El Dorado. Iman is Spanish for a humanoid robot copyrighted by Apple. El Muerto is Spanish for The Dead. Acrata is Spanish for The Human Target. And El Dorado is Spanish for The Dorito. And since you obviously know I was right about El Muerto, you should just trust me on the others.

Xolotl is killed by Jizz the Thanagarian even though the mission was to take him into their custody and not kill him. Stupid violent Thanagarians! Although his death causes everybody to stop fighting, so I guess it was the right move. The Justice League of Mexico decides to work with the Suicide Squad to destroy some threat that Xolotl warned them all about. But El Diablo decides he's had enough and tries to walk away. Too bad for him, he walks right into Deadshot and is killed. Too bad for me, death never takes with El Diablo and I'm going to have to read one more issue of his story.

The Ranking!
No change!

Amanda Waller Review!
Amanda Waller is holed up in Belle Reve dealing with some agent who knows some shit but can't talk because he's basically comatose. Since that's super boring, the story has a B-side featuring the Suicide Squad. Once again it's a Suicide Squad composed of members who DC will never let die: Harley Quinn, Katana, Captain Boomerang, Enchantress, and Deadshot. It's been years since DC knew how to write a proper Suicide Squad. Part of the problem is John Ostrander immortalized Deadshot and Captain Boomerang by writing them so well. When he began the Suicide Squad, they were D-list characters at best. He made them unkillable yet also linked them forever to the Suicide Squad. So that's two characters people expect to be on the team who won't die (oh sure. Captain Boomerang "died". But so did Deadshot. It's just they were brought back to life, weren't they? How the fuck does that count? Just because characters in comic books dying and coming back to life is a common thing, it doesn't mean it's a thing that you should use as a plot device to make it feel like Squad members are dying, especially since they return just a few issues later instead of years later). Then you throw in more characters whom the reader knows won't die, like Harley Quinn and Katana? Come on! Katana isn't even a villain!

Speaking of Katana, what the fuck is DC Comics doing to her? She now works willingly for Amanda Waller and kills enthusiastically even though she knows she's condemning every victim to an eternal prison in the Soulsword? I would think she'd want to limit the people she kills to the most evil, vile bastards who deserve eternal imprisonment. Killing henchmen and soldiers just seems wrong. But then DC seems to have decided that Katana's role is to stand in the background mysterious and silent. Except in this issue. She's doing a lot of talking this issue.

I hate how everybody knows about the Suicide Squad. It renders the whole project meaningless! As soon as people see them, they're all, "Oh yeah. The United States government is up to their usual bullshit again."

Anyway, bad shit goes down, the mission goes to shit, and Amanda Waller winds up drugged and hallucinating that she's lost the entire Squad. It's really the only way any members of the Suicide Squad die anymore. Either Amanda hallucinates it or the computers she has which show their heartbeats go on the fritz so the reader goes, "Oh my god! One of them is dead! I mean, it wasn't an on-panel death and nobody in the Squad ever really dies anymore but the computer shows one did! So I totally believe it!"

The Ranking!
-1! Get some balls and kill somebody already, DC, or else give Task Force X a new nickname that actually describes the team. Like Cozy Vacation Killing Club.

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: Deadshot and Katana #3

Do cover artists often think, "I really don't care if this cover idea has been used hundreds of times before! I've got the definitive version!"

Rating: Two Suicide Squad comic books in one? How can somebody pass up this shit?! I mean, one is technically an Outsiders story starring the Suicide Squad. But I'm pretty sure it's the story where one of the members of the Suicide Squad is finally going to die. Why bother even having a team called "Suicide Squad" if none of them are ever going to die? The squad may as well be called Prison Furlough Playtime Team. This comic book is better than a whole lot of comics currently being published by DC so it's worth the five dollar cover price. I mean that figuratively. Five dollars can buy you an awful lot of stuff that's better than this book. And probably more useful to your life. But people don't make money choices based on what is necessary! They make them based on what is desired! So if you desire buying a comic book that will allow you to escape your nightmarish existence for even the barest minimum of time, you could do worse than this one!

• Deadshot just found out that his dad has died of natural causes so he shot his mom in the face. Probably the face. I may be projecting on that fact.

• If my mom ever reads my commentaries, she'll probably think, "But he often ends our phone calls with 'I love you'?!" Right before she changes the will to leave everything to her stuffed Garfield collection.

• Everybody should change their Tumblr reply settings to "Everyone can reply" because I have got a lot of shit to say to you all.

• Deadshot is angry with Waller because Waller wasn't their for his daughter. Now who's projecting!

• Waller wants the Suicide Squad to battle Deadshot because teammates fighting is usually a cornucopia full of ratings and dollars. It's also an easier story to tell than having to think up a villain's motivation and how the protagonists find out about the villain and why they want to stop the villain and all the other fiddly plot points you have to come up with. It's much easier to have Batman go, "You stepped on my toe, Superman! Apologize!" And Superman would go, "I'm sorry!" And Batman would go, "Not good enough!" Then they fight for twenty pages and all of the nearly illiterate, drooling fangenders eat it up.

• The team arrives at Lawton's parents' estate by helicopter so of course it lands to let them out to do their job. Ha ha! Kidding! Captain Boomerang jumps out of the helicopter and doesn't get extremely killed or hurt at all even. Cheetah also jumps out but that's comic book plausible! How does Boomerang break his fall? Throw a boomerang at the ground?

• Deadshot shoots Cheetah in the face with an elephant gun because he doesn't know his animals. The elephant goes, "RROWRR!"

But you did!

See?!

• Harley talks Deadshot into surrendering and he's immediately shot five times by Wannabe-Deadshot. He wakes up in a hospital bed with Amanda leering at him.

But doesn't Floyd really, really want to be a Lenny? Specifically the Lenny that winds up being Amanda's dog.

• Floyd finds out that he stole the Villains Month Deadshot #1 story from Wannabe-Deadshot. Wannabe-Deadshot reveals to Floyd that he gets to be the new Deadshot. Probably because all of the new fans coming over from the movie are going to be expecting a black Deadshot. Although Will Smith is playing Floyd Lawton so that's probably wrong and Evans will be dead by the end of this story.

• Now it's time for the Halo story. I mean the Katana story!

• One of these characters is not like the others! One of these characters doesn't belong! Can you tell me which one of these characters will be dead before I'm done singing this song?

• Prince Brion Markov shows up in a tank to chase away the Kobra army. Boo! Hiss! Go to hell!

Oh my god! Shut up, Deadshot! You're ruining the whole reason for having a Task Force X!

• The cat is injured in the battle because Mike W. Barr is an asshole. Is CatsInRefrigerators.com taken? It's a good thing the Markovian Army enlisted a Veterinarian.

• Sometimes I feel like the Captain Boomerang of comic book critics. Katana here represents [name a writer or artist for DC].

• Castle Markov looks like Doom's castle. Or maybe the castle of Anton Arcane. Maybe they all just work on the same set.

• Prince Markov calls the Suicide Squad and Katana "outsiders." Hee hee hee! HEE HEE HEE! GET IT?! See, he doesn't realize only one of them is! And he's going to be one of them when the experimental geothermic plant blows up in his face! And Halo's host body is out in the woods nearby doing heroin. And, well, I don't know where Metamorpho and Black Lightning are. I guess they'll turn up later.

• Kobra has discovered that the Suicide Squad have bombs in their neck. He's also experimented on Violet. Probably by blasting her with rainbows, right?

• The "Outsiders" invade Kobra's volcanic base where one of them is sure to die. I'm not naming any names but her name is the same as her weapon! Not Katana, you idiot!

• Nobody dies this issue but the Squad and Katana are captured by Kobra. That makes two Suicide Squad stories in one issue where nobody died! At least not anybody of any consequence. Aside from that cat! I mean, I'm sure it's not dead. What kind of horrible monstrous writer would kill a poor innocent cat? Oh, I remember one who did that! Cullen Bunn! Fucking dick. I'm glad editorial told him he couldn't kill Dex-Starr and he had to come up with a tacked-on one page ending which completely made the story he just told meaningless.

Deathstroke #12

Why isn't Yosemite Sam currently the spokesperson for the NRA?

This is supposed to be the part of the day where I read the most recent Batman and Robin Eternal but since I didn't bother to leave the house at all today, I guess I'll read Deathstroke instead. It's a bit like reaching for your anal beads and accidentally grabbing a pineapple. That might not make a lot of sense to people who don't understand the pleasures of shoving anything at all in their ass but they shouldn't worry. Deathstroke doesn't make a lot of sense either. Currently he's invading Belle Reve so it seems like he actually cares about his daughter. It's a lot of work to fool readers into believing he's got any capacity at all for emotion so that they defend him whenever I point out he's actually a psychotic monster.

Tess: "Deathstroke is a psychopathic monster!"
Deathstroke Fan: "I'LL KILL YOU, YOU CUNT BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE CHARACTER OR AT LEAST THE STUFF ABOUT THE CHARACTER I LEARNED FROM THE TEEN TITANS CARTOON WHICH MAKES HIM MORE SYMPATHETIC THAN THE TIME HE WAS FUCKING A FIFTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL!"
Tess: "That's a fair and reasoned imaginary point which I wrote myself to make my detractors sound completely mental."
Thirteen Year Old Boy Which Is A Synonym For 'Deathstroke Fan': "DON'T YOU DARE SAY ANYTHING BAD ABOUT DEATHSTROKE AND WHILE I'M YELLING AT YOU CAN YOU TELL ME WHY I WOKE UP WITH STICKY SHEETS THIS MORNING?!"
Tess: "It means that one day soon, Deathstroke Fan, you will be able to appreciate Deathstroke as a character without needing to lie to yourself about how he's not a psychopath! What a magical time you're in for! Years and years of wondering why women look like they've just bitten into a lemon every time you try to talk to them."

I'm not usually for any kind of censorship or restrictions to the internet but I have an idea on how to make the overall online experience more satisfying for the majority of users: ban teenage boys from it completely. Just from the regular internet and only until they can pass a slightly modified version of the Voight-Kampff test. Until then, they must log onto the "Internet for Teenage Boys and Men Who Nobody Really Likes Very Much." I'm sure after the new internet regulations are instituted, we'll all discover who the next biggest assholes on the internet are and then we'll have to come for them while nobody stands up to stop us! I'm thinking it will be the Harry Potter fandom and people who obsess over their Myers–Briggs results. Although it will probably just wind up being teenage girls. It's really hard to tell who the second most horrible group on the internet is due to the intense and overwhelming awfulness of teenage boys.

How many Narration Boxes does this need to stop being a comic book and simply become an illustrated novel?

To nobody's surprise, the second and third pages of this comic book are a double splash page. It's essential to the plot since there's no other way Daniel, Bonny, and Kirkham could have portrayed the intense intenseness they needed to communicate through a large image of Black Manta and Deathstroke wrestling underwater. I'm not even sure that could fit on a single page!

This issue is called "Blood in the Water" because I guess Deathstroke has just been cut while in water? Is that now supposed to attract King Shark? Or is the title suggesting that the murder of Rose's girlfriend was meant to attract Deathstroke so that he could be tagged and studied? Maybe this entire issue will just be Black Manta and Deathstroke grappling under water while partially covered up by Narration Boxes full of all the interesting thoughts inside of Deathstroke's head? A scene or two of Harley saying something insane and adorable like "I'm having my period!" will help lighten the mood.

Grappling underwater partially covered by Narration Boxes full of Deathstroke's thoughts? Check!

Deathstroke manages to knock Black Manta out of the water so that he can finally climb out of the tank to take a breath. Although I get the feeling breathing is less important than delivering his cutting action star line of "Okay, A-hole. Now let's try this on my turf!" Chilling!

The story flashes back to before Deathstroke's assault on Belle Reve because Slade either needed an accomplice to help get Rose out of Belle Reve if she's even there or Tony and James had a genius idea to have Harley working with Slade. Because whoever he's hiring to help him is a mysterious woman in the shadows. You can see that she has boobs but her head isn't shown because the pony tails might give away the big twist. The reader does get to see that she has red nails on her right hand though and guess who else has the same fingernail polish?!

I'm want to declare right now that it isn't Harley because that would make no sense judging by the way Slade assaulted her last issue and the way she crossed her fingers behind her back when lying to him. Unless she does that whenever she's acting in front of Waller's security cameras because acting is inherently lying and Harley is superstitious about lying without crossing her fingers. I want to declare that but I can't because Tony S. Daniel helped plot this book.

Harley talking about her period? Check!

The careful reader will arrive at the panel above and think, "Wait. Didn't Deathstroke emerge from the water wielding two machetes? Why is he now armed with nunchucks?" The Deathstroke fan will arrive at the above panel and think, "FUCK YEAH THIS IS SO BADASS MOTHERFUCKER I'M SPRAYING CUM ALL OVER THE WALLS!"

On the next page of the battle, Deathstroke loses the nunchucks and he pulls his swords back out. I'm not a tactical genius and I've only ever pretended to read The Art of War when I needed to make a quote to bolster my side of an argument so I probably shouldn't critique Deathstroke on how often he switches his weapons in battle. I'm sure he knows what he's doing.

Prison security breaks up the fight and Slade slips away with Harley to go find Waller. But to get to Waller, Slade has to deal with a bunch of bad guys who don't have super villain names. That's a good thing because that means they can die! So now he pulls out two handguns and blows them all away. Too bad he couldn't have done that to Black Manta and Deadshot! Stupid New 52 rules against killing members of the Suicide Squad.

Christ, Harley! Enough with the menstruation talk!

An inmate named Snakebite has kidnapped Waller. He's just a guy who forgot that Copperhead already existed so he's really not that big a deal. Wow. So you have a snake head instead of a human head! And it's not just a mask like Copperhead's was! Oh wait! Copperhead's snake head isn't a mask anymore either thanks to more of The New 52 rules which state, "No super power shall exist only in weapon form. It must be intrinsic to the character. As such, all anthropomorphic costumes must appear as an actual physical change to the character, e.g. Bronze Tiger and Copperhead." I'm pretty sure those were editorial mandates. So Snakebite is just a bit too late on the whole exciting Weresnake frontier.

A fleet of helicopters are heading toward Belle Reve so it's time for Slade to get the fuck out. Good thing he paid his accomplice to help out in this situation. And his accomplice? Catwoman. Poor, poor Catwoman. She couldn't resist the lure of a big bag of gold even though it meant appearing in another shitty comic book. I suppose she suffered through the Ann Nocenti years for free, so why not make a little coin by letting Tony S. Daniel and his sidekick James Bonny write her?

Wait? He forgot he hired her?

Deathstroke 12 Rating: No change. I suppose if you want to read about Deathstroke killing people and fighting other super villains to a draw, you might really enjoy this comic book. Or if you like Harley saying light-hearted things in the thick of intense action and drama, you might sort of enjoy this comic book. Or if you find yourself cheering at full page reveals of new character ideas which are really just copies of past characters with a different name, you might like at least one page in this comic book. If you're into stories that make sense and follow a linear plot and don't try to force Catwoman into the story by assuming she's just as good at breaking into a prison as she is at breaking into an art gallery or a museum, you're probably already avoiding this comic book at all costs. A good rule of thumb to follow is not to buy any comic books that have the name "Daniel" on the cover.

From this point on, all of my Wednesday Comic Book Commentaries will be available in their entirety. It’ll be mostly weeklies, first issues, special issues that have just come out, or whatever is on the top of my stack when Wednesday hits. You know, to try to get people interested in spending one dollar per month to read the rest of my commentaries. As Gail Simone says about my site: “Tess’s reviews are some of the funniest things on the net, every time. I wish I could convince them that they should be doing this for a website or a magazine or something. This is top-notch stuff!” She uses third person singular pronouns for me because she doesn't want to offend me by getting my gender wrong even though she met me and I totally look like a rotten stinking man. I should also find some other famous people to write blurbs for my blog before I run out of Gail Simone quotes! If you’d like to support me and maybe get me to offer even more freebies (sure, why should you pay when other people will get them for free? Probably because you’re a totally terrific and swell person!), please head on over to Patreon and sign up for one dollar (or more!) per month. It’s totally worth it for the email notifications of new posts alone!

New Suicide Squad #10

Killed by camels. Worst Squad ever.

I haven't pretended to do anything exciting lately so I'll just get on with reading the comic book.

Oh wait! I have one thing I want to mention! The clerk at one of the stores on my floor cleaning route last night is new. I thought I recognized his name--Dolfin--from way back in October and asked him if he began working at the 7-11 then. He said he wasn't even in the country in October. So I asked him where he was from and he said, "Ethiopia. It's a country in Africa." Thanks for embarrassing me, Americans! This guy thinks I don't know where Ethiopia is because you're all stupid jerks who can't bother to learn Geography! Of course I know where Ethiopia is! Rock stars saved it from starvation in the eighties with "We Are the World" and Michael Bread! After that video came out, nothing bad ever happened in Africa ever again.

Oh, I'm sorry for jumping all over you, Americans. It's not your fault our educational system is Eurocentric and we never actually learn anything about the individual countries of Africa. Is it our fault that we're taught to think of Africa as a continent and not as a whole bunch of nations as individualized and different from each other as the nations of Europe? Maybe if a World War had erupted there instead of just being the backdrop for some exciting tank battles we'd actually be taught something about the place.

This is a map of Africa based on my entire public education. I didn't include Ethiopia because I learned about it from MTV.

The issue begins with the Squad's League guide showing them around The League's school because even for a terrorist organization, education is important. Why is education so undervalued in America? I think it's because you don't have to be smart to get rich in a capitalist democracy. You simply need to be unethical, ruthless, and driven to make money at any cost. How does knowing a place called "Mauritania" exists help put dollars in my pocket?! Unless, you know, I can manipulate the people of Mauritania for my own ends. Can I do that?

Captain Boomerang is all, "But what does anybody do for fun around here?!"

Ugh. Work and extreme dedication are the worst.

Captain Boomerang (who is probably just Boomerang now but since that's a Marvel character, I'll keep referring to him as Captain Boomerang) gets his head slammed into the ground for daring to care about leisure activities and speaking flippantly. I would not fit into this League place at all!

I wish Captain Boomerang were not Australian but American so I could identify with him!

Meanwhile the Extraction Team is hanging out in the desert engaging in tomfoolery. Harley keeps shooting Parasite with rocket propelled grenades. Reverse-Flash is worried that it might attract undue attention but he doesn't seem to care that every time he runs at super speed he causes a sandstorm. You don't think anybody is going to notice that, Daniel? Reverse-Flash is Daniel West, right? It's so confusing having a Professor Zoom and a Reverse-Flash!

Last issue I was beginning to turn around on Sean Ryan writing this book. By this exchange, I'm completely on board.

Sean Ryan has found his mojo (unless it's his groove) on this title. Before Convergence, it was just a showcase for a bunch of high profile DC Characters. They were just names on the page to pull in readers. After Conversion, Sean Ryan is treating the super villains like people. He seems to have figured out the voices he wants to give to each of them and he's doing the best job I've seen on the Suicide Squad since The New 52 began. If he can keep up what he's been doing for the last issue and a half (minus the first three or four pages of last issue!), this comic might become a contender for my favorite DC comic book. And that's not an easy task to accomplish. I just wanted to get some actual review soundbites out of the way before slipping back into making fun of the comic book. Y'all often seem overly concerned when you can't tell if I actually like a book or not so now you know where I stand on the New Suicide Squad as of Issue #9.

Back at Belle Reve, Vic Sage charms Amanda's assistant Bonnie into giving him a tour of the place. That jerk is working for Checkmate, isn't he?! Spy! Spy!

This is the scene where, if I were in the audience and it were taking place in front of me on stage, I would turn to my football player buddy and we'd high five as if we had something to do with it.

The Squad's first mission with The League (and hopefully their only mission since they should learn about The League weapons which is the first bullet point of the mission. After that, Bullet Point #2 is "kill lots of The League as you turn in your two week notice") will be to destroy a factory that is trying to synthesize Lazarus Pits. Because, as Tomorrow Thief puts it, "man was meant to die." Exactly! That's why the original incarnation of the Suicide Squad was so awful with Amanda's Lazarus Protocol in which she kept all of the Squad members alive. What a stupid plot point that was! Hopefully the Squad resists taking the factory for themselves! This team is packed full of heroes that aren't going to die, so it's probably tempting to throw in another resurrection device so that high profile members can be killed. But that really screws with the tension of the series and is the worst place a writer can go with it. I'm hoping this League guy's speech is simply Sean Ryan's way of emphasizing how idiotic the Lazarus idea was.

Boomer doesn't even want to go on the mission. He figures they saw the armory and that's good enough to tick the box on Bullet Point #1. But Black Manta wants to stay for the mission to find out as much as they can. But Boomer's all, "You heard they don't have weekends, right?!" And Black Manta is all, "I hate weekends! Aquaman loves weekends!" Boomer walks out to get some air while Deadshot sits around avoiding taking sides. Although he really can't take Black Manta's side since Black Manta seems to be falling in love with The League's ideals.

Later that night, Black Manta goes out on curfew patrol with the League Liaison (who might be Tomorrow Thief still but since I don't totally remember what he looks like and his name hasn't been mentioned in the comic, I just keep referring to him as their guide or liaison). They go to investigate the sounds of fun near the children's dorm and find Digger playing soccer with the kids. Captain Boomerang really never knows when to not poke authority. If Waller was never able to fully tame him, how is The League going to? They're probably only 15% as scary as Amanda Waller.

Digger is like Ozzy Osbourne and Socrates!

New Suicide Squad #10 Rating: +5 Ranking. I don't know what happened to Sean Ryan during Convergence but it must have been magical because he somehow returned with a Suicide Squad I don't think I've seen for many years. The characters all have distinctive voices now. Ryan's treating them as people and not costumes which is exactly how these characters need to be written. This book is not supposed to be about the flashy, popular characters. It's about severely broken people trying desperately to find something to live and fight for. Plus sometimes it's just about a few crazy criminals thrown on the team by Amanda Waller as fodder so the title actually means something. I truly hope this book can continue at this level (or better! Getting even better would be better!) but I hope Sean Ryan has found his center on this thing and has fallen in love with the characters he's writing. I would cross my fingers but I'll probably need them uncrossed to masturbate later.

Convergence: Suicide Squad #1

This is a worse Squad than the current New 52 Squad!

I suppose this Suicide Squad is somewhat believable if all the members have bought into the supposition that they are fighting for their very existence. Otherwise why the fuck would Cyborg Superman be on the team? I'm fairly certain a nano-bomb implanted into his neck either isn't going to blow up when detonated, or isn't going to be implanted for long, or isn't going to really hurt him much when it does blow anyway. And, as I've said before, why the fuck would Deathstroke be on the team unless he was getting paid a ton of money? And isn't one of the selling points of the Squad to the government that it's a cheap method of solving politically problematic problems?

Also, Amanda Waller isn't fat enough! It needed to be said!

I actually don't care if Amanda had suddenly lost a lot of weight during the year under the Dome. The biggest grievance I have against The New 52 Amanda Waller is that she was turned into an action hero. That undercuts what makes her interesting by taking away her real power which is her tenacity, stubbornness, and strength of will. Instead of facing down super villains because she was just that bad ass and threatening, The New 52 Amanda faces down super villains because she can actually physically kick their ass. I don't know about y'all but that takes a little something special away from her character that I've sorely missed.

The issue begins with Amanda Waller dying. Which means it will soon go to 24 hours earlier. Because comic book writers don't truly understand the term "in media res." While Waller is dying, she's speaking with Kingdom Come Green Lantern about how she failed. Then a mysterious person with a gun appears and shoots somebody. Probably Green Lantern since the reader is expected to believe the person has betrayed Amanda and is shooting her.

Oh, excuse me. It's forty-eight hours earlier and Toyman is having dinner with Floyd Lawton.

How is Lawton supposed to find the real Superman if he's not flying around in red and blue?

While the deal is going down, Planet Brainiac removes the dome and a guy at a nearby table turns into Atomic Skull. That causes Toyman to try to back out of the deal since he could spend his million dollars on a better assassin than Deadshot. But that just gets Toyman shot in the head and killed. Toyman didn't die on a mission for the Suicide Squad but it's nice to see at least one C-lister die in a Suicide Squad comic book! That New 52 Squad just can't seem to pull the trigger. But what do you expect from a team that stacks itself with characters you know DC Comics will never kill.

With the dome down, General Lane calls up Amanda Waller to get the Suicide Squad back in operation. The first thing I notice is that Tom Mandrake has no idea how to draw fat people. I'm not a fan of his art in general. I remember reading Ostrander's The Spectre way back when and really being disappointed by the art, even though it kind of works in that book.

The Suicide Squad's current target is Kingdom Come Green Lantern. Surprise! He's made a city called New Oa floating over the Metropolis of Kingdom Come. That's where the Suicide Squad needs to attack him. Or maybe they can just approach him and say, "Hey! If you can make this, can't you make a ship to take everybody out of here? And could you maybe get Magog to strangle Planet Brainiac and/or shoot him in the face with his stupid gun?"

I'd like to amend my previous statement about Tom Mandrake's art! "Tom Mandrake has no idea how to draw fat people."

I know, I know! It's his artistic style! Well, I don't like it! But I'm not saying other people might not love it. One of the reasons I have a hard time commenting on the art is because I love a lot of styles of art that other people can't stand. And some styles that I hate, other people love. Although it's nice when an artist truly can't draw because then I get to bash Marat Mychaels to my heart's content!

Amanda Waller insists on going on the mission which is just fucking stupid. Fuck you, Tieri. Amanda going on a suicidal mission is stupid. Unless the main part of her plan is to be a victim so that they can catch Green Lantern unaware, then this is bullshit. So I'm going to believe that Tieri knows what he's doing even though he has done nothing in The New 52 to prove that he can write a decent story. If he has, I don't remember it and that alone is proof enough for me that he hasn't.

Carol Ferris is also going to go on the mission as Star Sapphire. The other members of the team? Look at the cover! Bane! Black Manta! Deathstroke! But those are the new members! The old members are the ones I'm excited to read about! Count Vertigo! Deadshot! Bronze Tiger! Poison Ivy! And Captain Boomerang!

I hope Deadshot kills Count Vertigo while on the away mission!

Cyborg Superman is also on the team.

Hey, Sian Mandrake! Why'd you make Carol black?! Yes, that's supposed to be Carol in the second panel.

Meanwhile Oracle is reaching out to Kingdom Come Lex Luthor to see if he'll betray his world. He's up for it. I suppose that means he's the guy with the gun at the beginning of the comic book?

Convergence: Suicide Squad #1 Rating: Look. Any version of the Suicide Squad after John Ostrander's version is going to suck Superman's balls. So I didn't have high hopes for their return in Convergence. At least putting a mediocre writer on the book kept me from getting my hopes up. And now I wasn't disappointed! It really wasn't much of a story to critique anyway. The best part was Deadshot and Toyman's scene at the beginning. The rest was just pre-game bullshit and player introductions. I don't mind if next issue is bad. I just want to see a lot of characters die because this story doesn't really matter, right?

Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad #7

How convenient that Harley Quinn blows up in such a way that I can still look down her top! Thanks, DC Comics! I wonder if the "DC" stands for Male Gaze? No wait. Those letters are different.

Welcome back, Kiddies! Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad is getting shit ratings, so we're going to change up the program. Like how I just said "shit." You kids are old enough to learn that sometimes the world spreads its cheeks and releases a flood of stinking diarrhea right into your face and shouting out words that make old people's anal sphincters pucker is the only way to feel any better. You also have to learn that when the money isn't rolling in, heads are going to roll. So empty your little fucking pockets and ante up for Mister Fuzzy, you got it? Chimps and Mopps will pass around the collection sack and if they don't see at least a few coins fall, you're gonna spend a few minutes in the dunk tank, you hear? And don't think it's going to be a happy fuzzy warm funtime in there because Chimps has been using it as an outhouse for the past two weeks.

I bet you're wondering why our ratings are falling, aren't you, you little shits? Well, it's a problem with the human condition, you see? Philosophically, we all like to think we're intellectually superior to the next bastard. But in reality, we're all just walking around on the verge of either crying, mentally breaking down, or bringing ourselves to orgasm for one brief moment of respite from the endless awful bleakness of existence. Most people don't want other people to see them in these moments. Most people want to avoid feeling in such a way that brings them to these moments. And the best way to do this is to stay distracted. And the best way to stay distracted is to engage in the most popular forms of entertainment. And the most popular forms of entertainment are sex and violence, sometimes together (unless you're in Germany). And guess what Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad has been lacking for several issues? That's right, Kiddies! Sex and violence!

I admit, there has been a little violence. But not enough! We want to see a recognizable super villain get his or her head blown off, don't we Kids?! Um, Kids? Stop looking so terrified, you little shits. Fucking cheer when Mister Fuzzy's voice raises to an exultant, jubilant fevered pitch and he throws his arms up in the air! You fucking got that?!

How about we watch some fucking cartoons while Mister Fuzzy takes a smoke break?

See Mister Deadshot pull his pee-pee out of his pants? See how it flips and flops around no matter how lovingly he caresses it? Poor Mister Deadshot! Deathstroke emotionally castrated him a few issues ago and now his gun just doesn't fire at all.

Oh no! See how the animators of this cartoon decided to go for a racist joke? Look at how fervently they enjoy their racism! "See how poorly Mister Red Goldstar flies!" they say! "Look at how he cannot fly straight at all because he is Chinese," they say! Boo! Hiss! Nobody supports your racist jokes, animators! We are all looking down our noses at you because statistically young, white males are the worst flyers! Probably. If that fact is wrong, then maybe you should not be relying on a children's show for your facts, Chuck Einstein.

Let me tell you a little story about maybe how the stereotype that Chinese drivers are horrible drivers may possibly have come about. Some years ago, your old pal Mister Fuzzy was trying to find work overseas. The kinds of circus acts I'm into aren't always "legal" here in the states. But China has some less than rigorous safety regulations, if you know who to bribe. So I was in Shanghai and let me tell you, Kiddies, you ain't probably never seen so many Goddamned people in all your life. Cars, cars, and more cars just trying to get from Point Yī to Point B. And the people! Holy fuck all of the people walking and on bikes! Well, you'd better believe that any point on the street where cars, people, and bikes all wanted to cross was going to be a fucking clusterfuck nightmare. If you had no balls at all, Kiddies, you weren't fucking making it to wherever the hell you wanted to go. So what did the pedestrians do? They just looked straight ahead and fucking went for it. Cars stopped and would never fucking go unless they just looked straight ahead and just fucking went. When the pedestrians chickened out, the cars went for awhile. Eventually some brave bastard would step out in front of the cars and force them to stop. And those brave bastards never once tried to make eye contact with the drivers. You make eye contact to see if you can go, you've already lost your chance. So it's just a day long game of chicken, pedestrians and drivers, just fucking hoping to get a chance to go. Meanwhile, bicyclists everywhere just kept fucking ringing those Goddamned bike bells! CHING CHING CHING! CHING CHING CHING! CHING CHING CHING!

Oh fuck you, Timmy! That wasn't meant to be racist, you little prick! That was the noise the fucking bells made! Yeah, you little creep? You know what your name is now, you shit? Timmy Dunktank! Let's hear it for little Timmy Dunktank, Kiddies! Clap you mother fuckers. Show Mister Dunktank some love as he's escorted to his new seat.

Let's get back to the Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad now! Where the fuck were they?

See Black Manta drive the Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad to one of China's biggest economical mistakes! "I am driving," says Black Manta. "The Chinese Superhero crashed into the ground," says Boomerang. "Do you think that is racist?" "Ouch! My knee is sore," says Reverse-Flash. "I am cuckoo for cocoa puffs! Being mentally ill is fun and funny!" says Harley Quinn and all of her fans fall instantly in love with her. "It is sad that she has changed costumes and is not being abused by The Joker," they say as they sigh in their pants and cry.

The Funtime Squad enters the brand new, never inhabited Chinese city of Metropolis. Yes, Kiddies! An exact replica of Superman's favorite city! I wonder what adventures they'll have here? Maybe The Parasite has decided to start living here and he will approach them and say, "I would like to be on the team because it looks like fun and it seems like, according to the roster I am looking at with my own eyes, it must be very safe because DC's editors will never give the go ahead to kill any of you!"

Ha ha! Look, Kiddies, look! Amanda Waller is eating food! "Mmm! I love to eat food! Maybe I will eat a lot of food and become fat!" says Amanda. "We hope so!" say her fans because they love fat Amanda Waller. But it is too late, fans. It is too late! Fat or skinny, Amanda Waller has already been ruined by making her a bad-ass fighter with many martial arts skills and gun skills and killing techniques known only by master ninjas who only pass on the secrets of their killing techniques just prior to being killed by their students practicing the techniques. Just because she is fat it does not make her the old Amanda Waller. That Amanda Waller garnered respect by being a strong willed, tough as nails, in your face leader. People feared her attitude and the hell she could put them through. This Amanda can kill and has. So when she says, "Jump high!", her followers say, "Please do not kill me!" That is not the same. That is very different.

Back in Chinese Metropolis, Red Goldstar finds the Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad and attacks! Pow! Bang! Such action, right Kiddies?! Raise your hands if you think somebody is going to die! Oh, put your cute little fucking hands down, you idiots. Maybe the final Man-Bat will die but that hardly counts. Unless it's Kirk Langstrom, it's just a fucking red shirt. We want to see one of the officers go down this episode! And there ain't no fucking Tasha Yar in this group!

While most of the team runs from Red Goldstar, Man-Bat attacks him. Of course he does! But why should he? Do Men-Bat not have any sense of self-preservation? Kids, the best thing you can have is a sense of self-preservation. You know those romantic ideas movies and television feed you about jumping in the path of a speeding car to shove a loved one out of the way? Nonsense! Let them get hit! What good does saving them do when you're dead? You don't get the satisfaction of knowing they lived! And now they have to live the life you supposedly couldn't live without them. You just resigned them to the hell that supposedly you were avoiding by saving their life! See how that kind of makes you a dick? Just let them get hit and then you can live with the misery and guilt. They're better off that way!

"I am a subtle critique of American military personnel," says the Man-Bat! "I am completely delusional," confesses Black Manta. "Put another shrimp on the Barbie. It's Australian for beer, Mate! That's a knife," stereotypes Boomerang.

All the team members decide to have some heart to heart conversations. That's part of being an adult, Kiddies! You're supposed to act interested in other adults. "Hello! I am an adult. You seem to be an adult as well! What is your occupation? Oh, that sounds interesting. I have always wanted to try that. You must enjoy it very much. I am dying to talk about the things that interest me but that would look rude so I must finish asking about you before we can talk about me which will hold my interest much better than this boring bullshit about your stupid life."

Reverse-Flash angers Harley by asking about The Joker. Harley makes more stupid faces and says The Joker sucks. But she doesn't really think that at all. I have seen the way she masturbates thinking about Mister J. Haven't I? Wasn't that in the Harley Quinn Valentine's Day Special? Was that my fanfic? Oh, I think it was. Do you want to hear my Harley Quinn masturbation fanfic, Kiddies?

What? Masturbation is where you manipulate your genitals until you reach orgasm. Women jerk off their clitoris. Men do the same thing but their clitoris is called a boner. It's all very messy and essentially unsatisfying. Don't get me wrong, Kiddies! It's more satisfying than sex with a partner. But still, it leaves one feeling empty, exhausted, and drained of Qi.

Oh, my fanfic! Thanks for reminding me, Sally.

"Harley Quinn sauntered dreamily down the corridor leading to the bathroom. She caught a glimpse of her evening lover as she abandoned her slippers haphazardly in the hall. "Oh, Mistah Showa Nozzle," she whispered, hooking her index fingers into her black and red cotton panties. "Oim jus' drippin' loike a seive fer ya!" Her panties dropped around her feet and she cupped her pudenda shyly, turning slightly so Mister Shower Nozzle couldn't get a decent look at her budding flower of fragrant womanhood. She slipped a finger between her engorged outer labia, sliding it slowly into and down along her love clam before pulling it back out. A long strand of love juice dangled from her finger and glinted in the light as she reached up to switch the shower head to pulse. "Oh, I am gonna show you such a good toime, Mista S!" Harley Quinn bent over to turn on the faucet, paused for a second to glance back and admire her full, pale buttocks in the bathroom mirror. "Oh, Mistah Soap on tha rope! Yer makin' me blush with that suggestion! Although my tender derriere longs fer it!" As she turned the faucet, she heard the familiar clanking and screaming and whining of the pipes and then one single blast of rusty, muddy water shot out of the faucet, splashing the pale white porcelain of her face and the tub. "Christ on a fucking Segway! Some plumba is about ta die!" Harley slipped her panties back on, marched into her bedroom, found her oversized mallet and went in search of a head to obliterate. As she slammed the front door, the shower nozzle, frustrated, quickly rubbed one out before falling asleep."

Stop crying, you stupid brats. That was fucking beautiful!

"See, Tess, see? Somebody died? Can you please go back to calling this comic book the Suicide Squad?" says the comic book formerly known as Suicide Squad. Tess glances down at his fingernails, carefully adjusts the gold threaded purple robe covering his muscular, naked body, and glances down from where he sits upon his ivory throne atop a pedestal of black onyx. He narrows his eyes and replies, "No."

Red Goldstar goes crazy after Man-Bat's head explodes in his face. Apparently he's suffering from post traumatic stress disorder from being born amidst the death of his siblings. Bah, get used to it, Red Goldstar. If you don't have traumatic stress from some previous life experience, you haven't been paying attention. Isn't that how that bumper sticker goes, kids? Kids? Why are you looking so shocked and horrified now?

Oh. Um, yeah. I guess Timmy Dunktank don't swim too well, does he? Somebody throw a blanket over the tank please? I still have quite a lot of comic book to get through yet and I can't do it with a bunch of mewling, crying kids distracting me.

Red Goldstar decides he doesn't want to be like Man-Bat or the rest of the Funtime Squad. He doesn't want to follow orders. He doesn't want to follow commands. He wants to be his own person. Yeah, yeah. Capitalism and Democracy are better than Communism and Communism. Hey, Sean Ryan? Next time you jerk off on me, can you try to not be so direct because I can't stand getting semen in my eyes. Okay? Thanks.

The Chinese Military open fire on Red Goldstar because they're told to kill and they don't have a conscience, apparently. So Red Goldstar gets blasted through the replica Daily Planet causing the Daily Planet world logo to plummet to the ground.

"Oh no! I am sure to die," says Harley Quinn. "Oh my! Aquaman is about to be smashed to pieces," gloats Black Manta. "Ha ha! Someone other than me is going to die," jokes Boomerang. "I am die!" dies Red Goldstar. "Good bye, Clown! You had a good run!" puns Reverse-Flash backwardly. "Gasp!" gasps the audience who believe that DC Comics is really willing to kill off their Cash Clown of Comics!

New Suicide Squad #7 Rating: +2 Ranking. I think I've been giving this comic book a hard time. With good reason, of course! But I thought this issue was fun and Victor Sage wasn't in it just confusing everybody, so that was good. Amanda blowing up Man-Bat's head was completely out of character and just vicious and mean. That was Sean Ryan writing Amanda as servant to the plot as oppose to writing her to her character. Maybe she's going crazy from eating too much Pulled Pork. Here is a great opportunity for Sean Ryan though! Red Goldstar really needs to join the team for a few issues before he's killed spectacularly. Maybe if that happens, I might think about changing the name of the commentary back to Suicide Squad. Or at least sticking "Suicide" somewhere in "Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime."

Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad #6

Welcome back, kids!

Have you been desperately violent and overly narcissistic since last time, girls and boys? I sure hope so! I hope whenever your parents speak about you it's through gritted teeth and a throbbing migraine! You can't look at them as providers or protectors, kids! You have to see them as the first obstacle! They're that first hill you have to climb, the first river you have to ford! They're the iron gates keeping you from attaining all of your silly, bullshit, self-serving desires! What have they ever truly offered you except threats and orders, obligations and expectations? And every time they force you to do some irrelevant task or mundane chore, they smile that shit-eating grin and drone, "It's for your own good." Bah! The sooner you're done with those rats, the better! Think about it! Eighteen years of your life under the roof of their prison. By the time you get those years back on your own, your life will be half over! Half of half your life spent doing what they want, coerced into being the person they want you to be! It's not worth it! Get away from those devils as soon as you can!

Unless you can't afford to purchase any Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad merchandise without their help. Then you'd probably better go apologize.

Where did we leave off last week, Kiddies?! I can't hear you? What was that? Oh yeah! Harley Quinn and the other characters that hardly matter were about to battle a bunch of Chinese mutant super heroes! Who's ready to see a Man-Bat explode?! Raise your hands! Oh yes. YES! So many tiny hands thrusting in the air seeking blood and flesh and eradication! Yes, my children! YES!

See Victor Sage come to terms with his role! "I am a mistake," says Victor Sage! "Yes, you are indeed a mistake," says the man that makes more money than Victor. "Good! That is settled then," sighs Victor thinking about his big fat unemployment check he will get for sitting around the house in his underwear and playing Call of Duty. "Yes, it is settled. You must try harder not to be a mistake," says the man drinking his whisky from a metal cup. "Shoot!" pouts Victor as he watches his daydream fly away on little angel wings. "Bye bye, good life! Bye bye!" Victor waves.

Look at Sean Ryan wasting the first page admitting to the readers that he's not going to back away from his mistake because it might seem like he didn't know what he was doing! But everybody reading already knows that he didn't know what he was doing by putting Victor Sage in charge of the Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad! Never be afraid to just pour the gas, light the match, and walk away while everything burns, Kiddies! Don't waste time sticking with and defending your bad decisions! Don't think other people won't know how badly you messed up just because you won't admit that you made a mistake. They know! And now they know you're also a stubborn cuss that would rather go down with a sinking ship then admit they drove that boat straight into an iceberg. Don't compound stupidity like Sean Ryan is doing here. Was teaming up Sage with Waller a mistake? You bet it was! Is keeping him on because he doesn't want it to look like he was a mistake erasing the mistake? Fudge no!

No, no. We don't have any...look, this isn't a candy store, kid. Just sit still and look enthused for the camera when it pans across the audience, okay? If you want some fudge, beg it out of your parents later. You're sidetracking me, kid. Now sit still and just do what the cards that clown is holding up say, okay?

"Who puts a big red button that releases monsters right on a wall for anybody to hit it?" screams Harley making a dumb face. "It did not even have a plastic box with a lock on it like most offices have so that the cold people do not change the temperature of the office and so that the warm people do not also change the temperature of the office!" Black Manta makes a face that nobody can see because he is wearing a saucer on his head. "You should not go around hitting big, unlabeled buttons, Harley. Even in China!" he says helpfully.

Reverse-Flash runs slowly around the warehouse planting bombs when he should be running fast because that is the only thing he is good at. How do we know he's running slowly, kids? That's right! Because he's talking normally with Black Manta as he plants the bombs! If he were running fast, Black Manta would be saying, "Hunh? What is that weird Dopplery noise and where is it coming from?" instead of "I'm getting tired of excuses."

I bet that's another thing you kids are tired of hearing, isn't it?! How many times have your parents asked you why you were late or why you didn't get your chores done? And then when you give them an answer to the why, they say, "I am tired of excuses." If you did not want to know the answer to your "why" question, Parents, then why did you even bother asking it? Is the only acceptable answer to the question of "Why didn't you do your chores?", "Because I'm a lazy bastard who doesn't respect you"? If so, why even bother asking the question. How about just saying, "I see you didn't do your chores. Please do them now and don't make me ask again or I will break your most favorite thing." I bet that would work!

See Reverse-Flash's knee explode? That is what happens when you put too much stress on a crappy machine like the human body. "Run fast, legs!" says Reverse-Flash! "We are running as fast as we can," say Reverse-Flash's legs. "POP!" says physics! And also, "Ha ha!"

Back at Belle Reve, Amanda Waller tells her assistant, "The Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad is terrible!" And her assistant says, "Turn that frown upside down!" And then Waller says, "You are terrible!" And her assistant says, "Somebody has a case of the Mondays!" And Waller says, "You are the dumbest person on the planet." And then the assistant says, "Want a pulled pork sandwich?" And Amanda says, "Who doesn't?!" And they laugh and laugh and hug and become the best of friends over the most ubiquitous menu item in every gentrified neighborhood across this great, gentrified land!

Do you know what "gentrified" means, kids? It's a word that means rent is on the rise because the neighborhood is getting better due to an influx of outside cash and the need for upper middle class people to purchase lower value properties in neighborhoods with "personality!" And then the neighborhood gets even better and more expensive when the "personality" is priced out and must find a cheaper, dirtier, more dangerous part of the city to live in! It's a wonderful thing that brings many great features to a neighborhood! Like toy stores full of useless toys that don't have any points of articulation because they're actually art! And you'll never want for another DJ at your next block party because guess how many new DJs have just moved into the neighborhood?! Like a million!

Later, Victor Sage goes to a bar to cry in his beers.

"Why are there no women in this bar?" says Victor Sage. "I know all about you," says a strange person. "Oh no! That is against the rules," cries Victor Sage. "Not my rules! If you want to follow my rules, you should contact me at my job at Checkmate!" said the stranger. "Okay!" shouted Victor Sage and then added, "What are those holes in the bathroom stalls for?"

Back in China, a Chinese Superhero that is fully baked is about to wake up before the Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad can plant all of the bombs! And Reverse-Flash hardly placed any of them because he was blabbing instead of working. And the other members saw Reverse-Flash dawdling and thought, "I am not going to do more work than he is!" So then they began dawdling even more than he was dawdling! That's what you get when you cut corners during the hiring process, Kiddies! You end up like Black Manta walking around the warehouse muttering to himself, "I can't flippin' place all these bombs all by my flippin' self, stupid lazy workers. Gosh darn it. Gotta finish the job so I guess I gotta do it myself. Boy are they all gonna get fired."

The Man-Bats return to lay down their lives so that Black Manta, Harley Quinn, Reverse-Flash, and Captain Boomerang can escape. The Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad pays them back by blowing the explosives while most of the Man-Bats are still in the facilities. But don't think those deaths are going to get the name of this program changed back to Suicide Squad! Oh no! It's Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad until somebody with a secret identity dies on a mission! Not some loser nobody shot up with Man-Bat serum.

The fully cooked Chinese Superhero with the red costume with gold stars on it survives the explosion which is probably too bad because that means the Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad failed in their mission. Also, they're lives are now at risk as this Chinese Maniac goes after them to get revenge for his dead brothers and sisters and lumps of living flesh and monsters and freaks and mutated messes.

Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad #6 Rating: -1 Ranking. I almost gave it a "no change" ranking but then I got to a double page splash of an explosion and it felt like a slap in the face. And nobody likes a slap in the face! Especially when it involves slapping money out of my wallet and into the bank account of DC Comics! The art in this thing is already terrible and then they waste two pages with a dumb explosion? Hmm, maybe I should be thanking them for saving me from two more pages of terrible art.

Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad #5

Oh boy! Another crack team that doesn't have any disposable members on it! Except, I suppose, the various Man-Bats. But who cares if any of those die?

Until this comic book starts killing off members, it will from hence on be called Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad! Unless I used "hence" incorrectly! And maybe spelled it wrong. And then from now on, it will be called that thing I said I was going to call it.

Hey kids! Ready for some funtime super fuzzy squeaky action? We're going to get as excited as your mother when they finally fixed the water pressure on the shower head! Boy, rinsing out shampoo sure is a pain without adequate water pressure, am I right kids?!

Hey kids! I want to tell you a secret. Send you parents out of the room for a second. Whine that you want a sandwich or something. Go ahead. I'll wait.

...

Are they gone yet? Great! I'm going to teach you how to swear so that grown ups don't notice! First off, we grab our friendly pronoun "it" by the hand and lead him on over. Just go push him up against any old word that ends in "SH". Can we think of some words like that, kids? I just said one earlier! Yeah! Push! Also, how about banish? Or furnish! Flush works well too! Squish is pretty good because this sounds like a legitimate swear that a kid might say when angry: "Aw, squish it!" Did you hear the swear, kids? Now you can curse like a sailor right in front of your parents and they'll just continue doing their dopey parenting which probably borders on neglect! Try it at Christmas Dinner tomorrow in front of your old fogey grandparents whom you don't think are hip to anything! Although you'd surprised! After dinner, ask them if they ever did any drugs or engaged in group sex! I bet you'll be surprised by the answer! The sixties and seventies were crazy!

Today's Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad story begins in Amanda Waller's apartment as she begins her day!

See Amanda's weirdly thin waist? Can we say "Eating Disorder"? See Amanda enjoy her breakfast? "Mmm, mmm!" she says. "This bowl of cold water is delicious! Especially when paired with this piping hot mug of hot water and ipecac!"

What's an eating disorder, you ask? Well, you see, it's when you treat food as something other than nourishment! It doesn't matter what that other thing is, kids! It could be a reward or distraction from your true feelings or an evil monster that will take away your life and turn you into a pathetic beast that nobody wants to have anything to do with. That's right, kids! Sometimes that bowl of Spaghetti-Os isn't really a bowl of Spaghetti-Os! Sometimes it's hatred and spite and malice and loss of control and the world spiraling into a dark black abyss! So be careful! Try not to eat anything whenever you're feeling any kind of crazy emotions or you might start linking the food to that emotion! And the next thing you know, you'll be screaming at people to mind their own business as you upchuck in the cafeteria lavatory!

And if any of you smart-aleck kids disagree with me, just remember I'm not a flipping expert! I'm just a Goddamned kid's show host cursed with the job of keeping you entertained while your parents snort coke off of the bathroom sink and think up new lies for you to believe. Like how they're saving for your college fund. Ha ha! That's always a good one! No parent saves for their kid's college fund! Or if they do, they spend it immediately upon realizing their child turned into a selfish, narcissistic asshole (otherwise known as a teenager!).

While Amanda Waller preps for the next mission with a halfway new Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad, Floyd Lawton (also known as Deadshot!) spends time doing physical therapy. That's because he battled Deathstroke last issue. He's lucky he's not spending time trying out coffins.

"Ha ha! You are doing great!" lies the doctor through gritted teeth and a strained smile. "Ha ha! Keep at it!" "Ha ha!" laughs the doctor uncomfortably as he watches Lawton guzzle down high grade pharmaceuticals. "Ha ha! Nothing will go wrong if you take too many of those!" he says sarcastically. "Ha ha!"

Can any of you kids draw? Pick up some crayons and let's see how good you are! I'm sure one of you out there is better than the artist on this thing! Keep practicing and soon you'll have Tom Derenick and Rob Hunter's jobs! And probably Sean Ryan's as well! Can you all say, "This is a piece of squish it!"?

Deadshot asks Amanda who will be on the next Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad mission. And she tells him instead of saying, "Why would I tell you, you broken, useless man?" They also discuss how Deathstroke never should have been on the team and how The Joker's Daughter went straight from the battlefield to a mental hospital. We all knew that team was a disaster! It was only put together because Sean Ryan thought he was being clever. But he wasn't being clever. He was being the opposite of clever. The very, very, very opposite!

After all the bureaucratic red tape is figured out (you kids know what that is right? "Red"? It's a color, you ignorant monsters), Black Manta and his team head off to China for a mission where everybody will have a happy fuzzy warm fun time! Except probably the Man-Bats. At least one of them will die. But don't worry, kids! Don't cry! They're not actual bats! They're just big dumb men that deserve whatever happens to them. No reason to feel sad about the passing of an adult male! Seriously. That's not a joke. Nobody is more in control of their lives than an adult heterosexual white male! If one of them dies, they were probably doing something stupidly extracurricular!

Oh yeah! And the mission is probably to recover the super hero that China is trying to create. Those of us that arrived promptly read the first page which described what China was up to. The rest of you will be punished for tardiness at the end of the program.

"Bree! Bree! Bree!" says the Chinese alarm system! "We must maintain control, at any cost, of all governments, cultures, and economies that refuse to allow us to do whatever we want," says the United States of America! "If you are sympathetic to the Chinese people even if they have no control over what their Communist leaders decide, you have no place in my audience," says the capitalist kids show host that's also super manly and pleases many, many women and maybe the occasional feminine looking man.

Harley Quinn becomes annoyed with the alarm going "Bree! Bree! Bree!" in her delicate ears so she looks around the factory until she finds a big red button under glass. That is obviously the "off" button because, as seen in Futures End, if you hit it with a Boxing Glove Arrow, it shuts down the computers. So it should work on the alarm system and not release all of the half-baked Chinese superheroes, right? I mean, why would it do that? Offices don't even allow employees access to the thermostat! Why would they have access to the mechanism that frees the baking superheroes?

"Whoops!" says Harley Quinn. "Blargh!" vomits Captain Boomerang. "Things escalated quickly" says Reverse-Flash. "You dumb stupid crazy cunt!" says Black Manta. "Kill us all! Please!" says the Chinese superheroes.

Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. I can approve of this issue! The team actually has a mission objective that makes sense. The team seems decently put together if you don't count Harley Quinn. But since this comic book needs the extra money brought in by Harley fans, I think she's probably here to stay. Which is fine. I did like that she was a bit more off the wall than usual. I think she might just be putting on a show for Captain Boomerang.

New Suicide Squad #4

Look at Black Manta. So useless on this team. What was he thinking?!

I was thinking about starting a restaurant review magazine called "The Cook's Mother."

Or maybe I should open a hotel chain called "No Vacancy."

Unless I get my band back together: Closed For Renovations.

How about a tropical fish store called "Flush With Success"? No? Am I reaching now?

Anyway, remember how the Suicide Squad was in Russia doing some mission that didn't make any sense with a roster that was completely idiotic and two bosses that have been micromanaging them the whole time with contradictory instructions? I don't know how they're not all dead yet! Those Russians are horrible at stuff. They couldn't even nuke me while I was growing up! Failures!

I do!

I love when the comic book does all the work for me!

The only part of the job Victor Sage wanted was the part where he pushes a button and blows off the heads of villains that won't do everything he says. But that fat bitch Amanda Waller is hogging all the head blowing up fun! Sorry. I was in Vic Sage's head when I said that last line. What I meant was "that well-proportioned ambitious woman that gets shit done." And she gets shit done so well that she doesn't hardly ever have to blow people's heads off! I think Vic Sage is also a little bit pissed about that as well. What good is a Suicide Squad that makes it to Issue #4 without a single death? Ridiculous! It should be called Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad!

Deathstroke is currently torturing Deadshot for some reason. It can't be for information because Deadshot has all of the same information that Deathstroke has. So it must just be for fun. Even with two broken legs, cracked ribs, and a bunch of internal injuries, Deadshot is able to speak coherently and make fun of Deathstroke's handicap multiple times. I would question why Deadshot is mouthing off to one of the most dangerous people on Earth but I know that Deadshot has a death wish so I don't need to ask that question.

See? Just for fun. Also, oh ho! The Suicide Squad has a big secret! It can't be that they're all idiots because that's readily apparent to anybody paying any attention. I hope they're secretly magical elves that cook delicious cookies.

Black Manta and Harley Quinn break into the facility where Deadshot is being held because that's probably the entire plan. Why would Deathstroke turn on the Squad when he's already assured a huge paycheck from the United States Government? He's probably not going to go on any other missions after this anyway since he has his own hit book that will have readers everywhere scratching their heads in consternation when they realize they're not sure what's going on because Tony S. Daniel can't choreograph his own stories. Partly because his books are half splash pages and you can't tell a whole lot of story in a two page spread of Deathstroke leaping through the air with some random city's moonlit skyline behind him.

Harley has to rely on her skinny feet and tiny fists to take out the guards while Black Manta shoots them in the face with a gun. I guess it's funnier to kick and punch people into unconsciousness rather than to end their existence entirely. Although I don't think she learned that from The Joker.

Eventually Harley scavenges some guns from the unconscious guards and begins shooting people in the face as well. But first she distracts them with her vagina.

I was always taught to shoot people in the face with my legs crossed at the ankles.

Outgunned and outnumbered about fifty to two, Harley and Black Manta barely even break a sweat. Was that action scene enough to justify the cost of the comic book? I don't think it was but that's why I'm asking others. I usually like a little bit of plot and characterization to go along with my guns and vaginas.

Oh, I apologize! There is some characterization in the last panel of the battle: Black Manta shoots a harpoon out of his wrist! Oh, that Black Manta! What a silly bear!

Harley and Manta wade through dozens of corpses before they find where Deadshot is being held prisoner. And that's when another fight scene takes place: Black Manta versus Deathstroke. Is that really a fight though? Deathstroke has honed his skills battling the best assassins on Earth. He's jacked up with super powers and healing factors and godlike powers of agility and speed! And Black Manta? He's battled Aquaman a few times. And lost. So, you know, really. How is this a fight?

Deathstroke apparently lost his shins in the war.

Harley and Floyd have to come to Manta's rescue because of those things I pointed out before the picture (mostly the lost to Aquaman thing). Floyd shoots Deathstroke in the chest and Deathstroke falls over and hits his head and loses.

Hmm. After that outcome, I have a new theory! Deathstroke isn't actually Slade Wilson! He's just some guy dressed up like Slade Wilson trying to earn some extra cash. Compare what Deathstroke went through here where he barely hits his head and is out, and what he went through in New Deathstroke #1 where his brains were leaking out all over the place and he still walked fifty blocks to find a shaman to make him young again. Totally not the same guy!

Waller and Sage deal with their power struggle and Amanda wins. No surprise to anybody there. Amanda Waller is a fierce woman and the only person able to earn the respect of most of her team members even without the exploding collars. Sure, she never quite tamed Captain Boomerang although after that Lao thing they pulled on him, he straightened up pretty quick. Of course, he did have the pleasure of hitting Waller in the face with a pie. Such a genius!

That whole "Mystery Pie Thrower" subplot might have been one of the best Suicide Squad subplots ever!

I probably shouldn't be discussing Preboot history. It makes the kids restless and angsty.

See? I knew what I was doing when I called Amanda a bitch while channeling Vic earlier. Not that it's a surprise to anybody that he was thinking it. Everybody thinks it around Waller because they're all so fucking terrified of her.

The issue ends with some Russian getting an offer to be turned into the Sixty Million Rubles Man by a company named MARS Systems. As hooks go, it's not very well baited and kind of rusty and obviously being trolled by an amateur. Every fish continue to go about your business. Nothing exciting happening here.

New Suicide Squad #4 Ranking: I'm glad this first story arc is finished. As Waller said, it was complete chaos. The team was awful. Vic Sage added nothing to the group's dynamic. No real mission was accomplished. Or was it?! Deadshot pointed out the Squad was really something other than it seems to be! And guess what? We, the readers, don't get to fucking know about it yet! Fuck you, Sean Ryan. Nobody is going to be around to find out what your big twist is when you're dropping boring fucking hints like that. These first four issues show a writer that didn't plan shit and then dropped a few bombshell "revelations" (revelations in quotes because they're simply comic book revelations which are unformed plot points that can be used later once the writer figures out how to develop them) to make it feel like something happened. Maybe. I think he just picked the team and thought, "Joker's Daughter interacting with Harley Quinn? Deadshot and Deathstroke together? This story will write itself!" And then the stupid story didn't write itself at all. Anyway, let's forget this bullshit team, put a real team together that fits a real mission, set Sage to making copies, and come up with some exciting and interesting shit to read.