"Justice League Spooky" is a much better name than "Justice League Dark."

Batman Loves Superman Annual #2

The Annuals should be issues where the characters just get to take a break from crimefighting. I want to see Bruce and Clark on a cruise!

This issue begins with Xa-du because we haven't had enough of this boring asshole yet. I mean, I have had enough of him. But I guess Greg Pak doesn't think his readers have had enough of him. If Greg Pak doesn't watch out, he's going to become my next dead horse. He's precariously close to being a writer whose writing I don't like. That's my polite way of saying that he's a bad writer but I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt that that's just my ignorant opinion and that maybe he's actually a fantastic writer but I just don't happen to like his writing. But if he keeps cramming this idiot Xa-du down my throat, I'm going to unleash the hounds, set the Doomsday Clock to midnight, and get out my Dead Horse Beating Stick. And once I start beating a dead horse, it's very rare that I stop because it's so much fucking fun.

Xa-du was banished back to the Phantom Zone with his ability to escape finally neutralized. But guess what?! He still has the ability to reach out of the Phantom Zone and manipulate people with his Hypno-Impulse! So his next plan is to reach out to all of Batman and Superman's enemies and convince them that Clark Kent needs to die.

Every window in Paris looks out on the Eiffel Tower. I think Escher designed the city.

Yay! Another story where Superman and Batman aren't trying to help people but are simply defending themselves against attack! I can't get enough of stories that show how fucking useless being a superhero is! I just love a good story where all the death and destruction caused is simply because the super hero exists. So inspirational!

I have no idea who the woman in Paris is in the scan above. Phobia? Oh, I bet it's Talia al Ghul, right? There's also a panel showing the Bahamas and a hand with a machete in it. I don't know who the fuck that would be either.

Superman is currently investigating the island where Doomsday exploded everything and killed everybody and whatever the fuck happened in Doomed! The island is on fire and spreading a thick black cloud of Doomsday dust. But Superman knows how to get rid of it and set himself up for a really exciting story where he has to battle Batman's enemies in much the same way Batman has always had to battle them: without any powers! Superman uses his new Exploding Vagina Power to disintegrate everything in a few miles radius around him. Except his power goes KRAKOOM unlike his sister's power which goes FWASH! I guess that's the difference in sound between a vagina exploding and a scrotum exploding. Now he's powerless for twenty-four hours! Just in time for Xa-du's Hypno-Impulse controlled villains to attack him!

Clark heads deeper into the island to await Batman's arrival because he'll be easier to find in the thick jungle than if he remained on the beach. He's looking for the source of the Doomsday Cloud and he finds a bunch of people scavenging medical supplies from one of the abandoned hospitals on the ruined resort island. They've been burning crap that apparently is full of Doomsday's toxins. And then the person in the Bahamas who was influenced by Xa-du attacks.

At least he's starting out with an easy villain.

Now that Superman has a power which causes him to lose his power (pretty much the only reason it was created, by the way), is everybody going to rush out and write their version of the Superman shows how he's a hero even without any powers story? I like Geoff Johns' version where Superman did the right thing in the face of real danger. I'm not sure if I'm going to like this story as much where Superman gets a chance to prove that he's every bit as good at super heroing without powers as Batman is. Batman trained with the best teachers across the planet across many, many years. Superman relies on his invulnerability and super strength. The hardest part of Superman's job is calculating how hard to punch somebody so that he doesn't knock their head clean off of their body. But now he's going to stand toe to toe with Killer Croc, Bane, Talia, and Man-Bat? Bah! I don't even think he could take Man-Bat!

Clark takes a throwing star to the back as he pushes some guy out of the way. It's the same guy he pushed out of the way earlier. I think that guy needs to start getting out of the way on his own. Also, Man-bat must not know what Clark Kent looks like. I will not make a blind as a bat joke because that's a myth and I only deal in truth and facts and self-embellishment. After Clark falls to the ground with a shuriken lodged in his spine, a mysterious woman comes to his rescue!

Now Clark and the mystery woman are stuck back to back by a throwing star.

So she's battling to save her friend (and maybe Clark) while Clark battles to save her friend (and maybe himself) but she's braver? Simply because she doesn't know Batman is coming? You know she's not going to sleep with you for the compliment because she can't hear your Narration Boxing, Clark.

Batman arrives to save their lives and says, "Idiots," as he arrives. What the fuck was that about? They're being attacked by a monster and he's going to chastise them? Does everybody really think the best way to write Batman is to make him a complete asshole?

Hee hee.

Everybody escapes into a manhole and then Bane shoots the Man-bat in the head and kills it. Also arriving with Bane are Cheshire, Killer Croc, and three dozen more Man-bats. They're all hunting Clark Kent and they all have terrifically fast methods of travel and amazingly high tech gadgets that enable them to track Clark Kent. If they're here already, did they see Superman blow his scrotum?

My main question is why are Bane and Killer Croc working together? Xa-du's manipulation doesn't make them forget their past. It just makes them sort of feel like killing Clark Kent. But I think Bane might want a piece of Croc after what he did to him during Batman Eternal. And Croc obviously hasn't forgotten that Bane threw him from the top of Wayne Tower in Arkham War (which is why he humiliated Bane in Batman Eternal!). But now they're just going to forget all the bad blood because they both kind of sort of want to murder Clark Kent for some unknown reason? Bah.

You know what's better than having villains mind-controlled to attack the heroes? Giving the villains a motivation to attack the heroes that makes sense to their characters! But that's hard! And Greg Pak really loves the easy way out.

Clark wants to help Batman stop the thugs but Batman doesn't believe that Clark Kent is ready to go toe to toe with this group of villains (he's right). Batman decides he has to give Clark a quick rundown on the villains so Clark knows exactly why he'll be no help in a fight against them. Batman is a condescending dickhole. Clark Kent is a journalist! I think he knows about these thugs!

Batman tells the civilians to find anything they can use as a weapon and to sit tight while he takes care of business. Janice, the brave woman, uncovers a box full of knives and is all, "Batman sir! Will these do?" Then Clark is all, "I'm going to fight too!" So Batman ties him to a concrete post. Because what better way to use Clark than as bait so Batman can lure the bad guys in close.

Killer Croc breaks through a wall and Clark thinks, "I'm just flesh-and-blood right now and for the first time in ages, I remember what it feels like to be terrified."

Can I ask you a question, Mr. Pak? Do you read the things you write? Do you remember any of the things you write? Because you just recently wrote that story in Action Comics about Smallville turning into a horror story, remember? And remember how the creature devoured fear? And how it made everybody, including Superman, feel terrified? And the way Superman finally defeated the Ultra-Humanite was to allow himself to feel truly terrified so that it would consume too much fear and be sated? Or something like that. However it worked out, I'm fairly certain that the whole point of the story was to show Lana Lang that Superman also feels terror and loss. But now is the first time in ages he's felt scared! Okay. Whatever. I guess this story takes place before that story.

It turns out Clark was in on the "lure Killer Croc in close" plan (although he was still terrified! Coward!). I'm surprised Batman is allowing Clark to act so much in their missions lately. But then Batman and Croc are covered in rubble so now it's up to Clark to save Batman! Unless Janice saves Batman. She is much braver and more competent and less of a puss.

One pillar was taken out and this happens to half the hospital. What a shit building.

The Man-bats are taken out by a poison gas trap but Cheshire, master of poison, is unaffected. But then she's knocked out by a single blow of a pipe to the back of the head. It's like she's not one of the greatest assassins at all! Can Clark at least struggle to defeat Cheshire? My guess is that he got some of his powers back already and he's lucky he didn't completely crush her skull.

As Bane gives chase to Clark, Batman comes out of the jungle riding Croc. Through a series of hilarious misunderstandings, Killer Croc attacks Bane and they fall off of a cliff and into the ocean (with a little help from some of Batman's non-lethal explosives). Then Batman is all, "I guess you are kind of competent without any super powers. Hmph. Imagine that." Then he leaves Clark behind so that Clark can help Janice and her friends.

But then Janice stabs him in the stomach because Xa-du hypno-impulsed her.

Everything changes? So the writing will be good?

Batman Loves Superman Annual #2 Rating: This one ends with yet another villain pointing out that people ultimately hate and fear super heroes. I'm so fucking tired of that mantra. The whole point of super hero stories is to feel inspired and uplifted! Who are these writers who believe that Superman is actually reviled instead of loved? It's tired, idiotic bullshit. And why is Xa-du so fucking powerful? He lost the tech which lets him leave the Phantom Zone but he can still see everything that happens? I could buy (barely) that he somehow had the ability to slightly influence horrible people to kill Clark Kent. I'll even buy into the premise that it somehow affected these few criminals so much that they went out and treated it like a paid hit. But I won't accept that Xa-du has the ability to spy on Clark from the Phantom Zone with his crippled technology, that he was able to see and understand that Superman lost his powers when he used his brand new super power, and was able to perceive the person standing next to Clark and manipulate that person into stabbing him. All while from inside the Phantom Zone. I also don't think Xa-du knows what he's talking about anyway when he calls Bane, Killer Croc, and Cheshire his "most lethal champions." There are far better that could have killed Clark Kent. And the ones he chose? If Superman hadn't lost his powers? They would have been absolutely useless! So why even bother?

Ugh. Greg Pak, you seriously need to try harder. You're coming up with themes that work but then doing a half-assed job turning them into a story. So here you wanted a powerless Clark to be able to prove to Batman that he could handle himself against Batman's enemies. That's actually an interesting kernel for a story. But the thing that kernel turned into? It's a mess! It's not an Ann Nocenti level mess but it still comes across as sloppy because the characters are just cardboard cutouts to move the plot along. I suppose if I wanted to defend you, I could say mind control explains it all. But then I have to believe that Xa-du has this kind of power from within the Phantom Zone even after losing half of his brain? I don't even want to believe that Xa-du exists!

Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad #5

Oh boy! Another crack team that doesn't have any disposable members on it! Except, I suppose, the various Man-Bats. But who cares if any of those die?

Until this comic book starts killing off members, it will from hence on be called Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad! Unless I used "hence" incorrectly! And maybe spelled it wrong. And then from now on, it will be called that thing I said I was going to call it.

Hey kids! Ready for some funtime super fuzzy squeaky action? We're going to get as excited as your mother when they finally fixed the water pressure on the shower head! Boy, rinsing out shampoo sure is a pain without adequate water pressure, am I right kids?!

Hey kids! I want to tell you a secret. Send you parents out of the room for a second. Whine that you want a sandwich or something. Go ahead. I'll wait.

...

Are they gone yet? Great! I'm going to teach you how to swear so that grown ups don't notice! First off, we grab our friendly pronoun "it" by the hand and lead him on over. Just go push him up against any old word that ends in "SH". Can we think of some words like that, kids? I just said one earlier! Yeah! Push! Also, how about banish? Or furnish! Flush works well too! Squish is pretty good because this sounds like a legitimate swear that a kid might say when angry: "Aw, squish it!" Did you hear the swear, kids? Now you can curse like a sailor right in front of your parents and they'll just continue doing their dopey parenting which probably borders on neglect! Try it at Christmas Dinner tomorrow in front of your old fogey grandparents whom you don't think are hip to anything! Although you'd surprised! After dinner, ask them if they ever did any drugs or engaged in group sex! I bet you'll be surprised by the answer! The sixties and seventies were crazy!

Today's Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad story begins in Amanda Waller's apartment as she begins her day!

See Amanda's weirdly thin waist? Can we say "Eating Disorder"? See Amanda enjoy her breakfast? "Mmm, mmm!" she says. "This bowl of cold water is delicious! Especially when paired with this piping hot mug of hot water and ipecac!"

What's an eating disorder, you ask? Well, you see, it's when you treat food as something other than nourishment! It doesn't matter what that other thing is, kids! It could be a reward or distraction from your true feelings or an evil monster that will take away your life and turn you into a pathetic beast that nobody wants to have anything to do with. That's right, kids! Sometimes that bowl of Spaghetti-Os isn't really a bowl of Spaghetti-Os! Sometimes it's hatred and spite and malice and loss of control and the world spiraling into a dark black abyss! So be careful! Try not to eat anything whenever you're feeling any kind of crazy emotions or you might start linking the food to that emotion! And the next thing you know, you'll be screaming at people to mind their own business as you upchuck in the cafeteria lavatory!

And if any of you smart-aleck kids disagree with me, just remember I'm not a flipping expert! I'm just a Goddamned kid's show host cursed with the job of keeping you entertained while your parents snort coke off of the bathroom sink and think up new lies for you to believe. Like how they're saving for your college fund. Ha ha! That's always a good one! No parent saves for their kid's college fund! Or if they do, they spend it immediately upon realizing their child turned into a selfish, narcissistic asshole (otherwise known as a teenager!).

While Amanda Waller preps for the next mission with a halfway new Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad, Floyd Lawton (also known as Deadshot!) spends time doing physical therapy. That's because he battled Deathstroke last issue. He's lucky he's not spending time trying out coffins.

"Ha ha! You are doing great!" lies the doctor through gritted teeth and a strained smile. "Ha ha! Keep at it!" "Ha ha!" laughs the doctor uncomfortably as he watches Lawton guzzle down high grade pharmaceuticals. "Ha ha! Nothing will go wrong if you take too many of those!" he says sarcastically. "Ha ha!"

Can any of you kids draw? Pick up some crayons and let's see how good you are! I'm sure one of you out there is better than the artist on this thing! Keep practicing and soon you'll have Tom Derenick and Rob Hunter's jobs! And probably Sean Ryan's as well! Can you all say, "This is a piece of squish it!"?

Deadshot asks Amanda who will be on the next Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad mission. And she tells him instead of saying, "Why would I tell you, you broken, useless man?" They also discuss how Deathstroke never should have been on the team and how The Joker's Daughter went straight from the battlefield to a mental hospital. We all knew that team was a disaster! It was only put together because Sean Ryan thought he was being clever. But he wasn't being clever. He was being the opposite of clever. The very, very, very opposite!

After all the bureaucratic red tape is figured out (you kids know what that is right? "Red"? It's a color, you ignorant monsters), Black Manta and his team head off to China for a mission where everybody will have a happy fuzzy warm fun time! Except probably the Man-Bats. At least one of them will die. But don't worry, kids! Don't cry! They're not actual bats! They're just big dumb men that deserve whatever happens to them. No reason to feel sad about the passing of an adult male! Seriously. That's not a joke. Nobody is more in control of their lives than an adult heterosexual white male! If one of them dies, they were probably doing something stupidly extracurricular!

Oh yeah! And the mission is probably to recover the super hero that China is trying to create. Those of us that arrived promptly read the first page which described what China was up to. The rest of you will be punished for tardiness at the end of the program.

"Bree! Bree! Bree!" says the Chinese alarm system! "We must maintain control, at any cost, of all governments, cultures, and economies that refuse to allow us to do whatever we want," says the United States of America! "If you are sympathetic to the Chinese people even if they have no control over what their Communist leaders decide, you have no place in my audience," says the capitalist kids show host that's also super manly and pleases many, many women and maybe the occasional feminine looking man.

Harley Quinn becomes annoyed with the alarm going "Bree! Bree! Bree!" in her delicate ears so she looks around the factory until she finds a big red button under glass. That is obviously the "off" button because, as seen in Futures End, if you hit it with a Boxing Glove Arrow, it shuts down the computers. So it should work on the alarm system and not release all of the half-baked Chinese superheroes, right? I mean, why would it do that? Offices don't even allow employees access to the thermostat! Why would they have access to the mechanism that frees the baking superheroes?

"Whoops!" says Harley Quinn. "Blargh!" vomits Captain Boomerang. "Things escalated quickly" says Reverse-Flash. "You dumb stupid crazy cunt!" says Black Manta. "Kill us all! Please!" says the Chinese superheroes.

Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. I can approve of this issue! The team actually has a mission objective that makes sense. The team seems decently put together if you don't count Harley Quinn. But since this comic book needs the extra money brought in by Harley fans, I think she's probably here to stay. Which is fine. I did like that she was a bit more off the wall than usual. I think she might just be putting on a show for Captain Boomerang.

Batman: The Dark Knight #29

Seventy-five years ago, bats were the scariest thing in the world.

For those readers that don't know who Batman is, I went on Wikipedia and did a little research. It turns out he's just a normal human man with no super powers at all! His parents were killed when he was a little boy, so he sat around his house for years while his butler did everything for him. He pouted and cried a little bit and had fantasies about getting revenge on all criminals everywhere. But how would he go about doing that? How do you scare the violent and the lawless?! Then a bat flew through his window and he screamed his head off and shat himself and covered his head because if he had learned only two things in 1939, it was to duck and cover if a nuclear bomb hit, and to cover and jump around if a bat flew in the window. No wait. Maybe he didn't learn about bombs yet. I think he was just learning about Nazis and the American way of dealing with Nazis at the time was to go shopping and shrug your shoulders and say, "Enh. That's not my problem!" After he remembered he didn't know what a nuclear bomb was, he said, "Aha! Alfred! Come change me! I have an idea!" And that idea was to become a bat because the only thing scarier than a bat is a grown ass man in a bat costume!

At least that was true in 1939 America. If American Bruce Wayne had to become the scariest thing he could think of today, a faceless man with chainsaws for arms and tentacles flailing about from the back of his head would have to crash through his window. The man would probably have goat legs as well and a choir of prepubescent children would be chanting as if from every corner of the room. And the man would have to be a demon ghost brought into the world through blasphemy and dealings with the Christian Devil. That would probably scare audiences pretty good today. But just imagine what Batman of Japan would become?! Instead of Batman, he'd be Walks Stiffly and Awkwardly Young Pale Girl With Stringy Hair and Solid Black Eyes Lurking In The Corner Of The Room Or Is She? Man. That might be too scary for the local police to get behind. If they had to shine that Signal into the sky to get his attention, everybody in the city would go insane.

Now that you know Batman's history, let me tell you about Man-Bat's history. I don't know it and I'm not going to bother looking it up because my guess about his origin is probably fairly accurate. Somebody thought, "If a man in a bat costume is super scary to criminals, what about a man that is a bat that is not in costume!?" And then that somebody thought, "Shit! I should have said that at the head of a conference table in a meeting with lots of DC Executives!" But that somebody was only six because what a stupid idea, right? Just because DC decided to run with it doesn't make the idea not stupid! Besides, if you look at lots of ideas from last century, you'll see people didn't really know what they were doing. So a lot of people made a mistake and created a character that has stuck around for decades because it's a monster version of Batman even though Batman is quite the monster himself. I think when Man-Bat was invented, Batman wasn't quite a monster yet. I think Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns was actually supposed to be about Man-Bat but somebody fucked up the name when the issue went to print.

Now you're all smarted up and ready to enjoy Batman: The Dark Knight featuring Man-Bat the Knight Dark!

Last issue ended with a tension filled cliffhanger! Batman had just been thrown off of a building by Daddy-Man-Bat! OH NO! He is surely dead because one of the things Batman can't do is fly. You would think he would have made that an essential part of his costume, right? It's like somebody choosing the name of a bird, say a canary, and not being able to fly. What the fuck is up with that?! Also, I've never heard a canary sing and had my head blow up. So that's a pretty stupid name to choose. If I were Black Canary, I would have chosen the name Weaponized Voice Woman. But this isn't that crappy comic book Birds of Prey, so I should probably get back to how Batman is going to fall to his death. If only he had a thing on his utility belt that could grapple stuff and was also bat themed?!

You drama king! As if you haven't saved your life this way a dozenty zillion times!

Later back at the Batcave, Alfred teases Batman. That butler is getting way too familiar! The last thing Batman needs is the help getting uppity and thinking he can say anything he wants to him. I don't know how he hasn't gotten fired yet. He also was supposed to be watching Batman's son a while back and he failed to do that which resulted in Batman's son dying. And he still has a job! He must have some sketchy information on Bruce Wayne in a locker down at the Greyhound terminal ready to be released if he ever mysteriously disappears or winds up dead.

Batman learns that the Gotham Police need evidence to arrest rich white people, so he goes to have a conversation with Daddy-Man-Bat's human alias, Abe Langstrom.

Is Batman's secret identity Tom Joad?

Abe Langstrom flaunts his Man-Battedness in Batman's face during the discussion. It's as if he believes Batman is bound by the same laws that bind and control and manipulate and oppress the rest of us. It's as if he doesn't realize that he's a murderer talking to a crazy guy in a cape that really, really hates murderers. It's like he doesn't even care if he winds up in a coma tonight! For some reason, Batman just decides to act threatening. I think he doesn't kick the crap out of Abe for the same reason leaders of countries agree not to send ninja assassins after each other. Because it sets a bad precedent that can only wind up backfiring all over your face, bukake style. You know, if the penises were guns and the semens were bullets. Bruce Wayne doesn't want large costumed men coming into his office thinking they can do whatever the hell they want to him just because he's raping the resources of the city and oppressing a large section of the Gotham populace with his thousands of minimum wage jobs he's providing that they had better thank him for.

Does that apology come with a paycheck? Dick.

So Batman makes the choice to wear a getup which keeps him from entering a building normally and that's supposed to be a good enough excuse for crashing through windows and skylights and weak-ass Gotham City walls? Kirk is too polite to say this, Batman, so I will: fuck your mother.

Later that night, Daddy-Man-Bat hits the street looking for a quick homeless meal. But Batman knows where he's going to be because he's the World's Greatest Detective. That was pointed out earlier in that scan I did where Abe mocked Batman about being an awesome detective while Batman had already proven he was an awesome detective. Maybe that's why Batman didn't punch him in the face. Because Batman was smirking so hard under the cowl at the compliment that was meant to be an insult but really was a compliment on accident.

So Batman gets in his homeless man costume. It's one of his favorites which is why anybody that's been reading Batman for the last 75 years instantly recognizes him. Batman's plan is to be Daddy-Man-Bat's next victim. It's not because Batman has given up! Batman has injected himself with the serum to cure Man-Bat-itis. So when Man-Bat drinks Batman's blood, Man-bat becomes Just-a-Man. Then Batman can see him transform back into Abe and yell, "Aha! Evidence! Now Gordon can arrest you!" And Abe will say, "Whatever! I'm going to hire those lawyers that allowed the incestual rapist billionaire to go free! And there's nothing you can do to stop me because Harvey Dent is dead!"

Batman nearly dies from blood loss. He probably should have used a stronger serum. Or just placed packets of the serum on his chest between his outer armor and five layers of inner armor. Except that would be too smart and might possibly not work. What if Daddy-Man-Bat could tell he wasn't sucking directly out of Batman's innards?! It's not like Batman has technology at his disposal that could fake up something like that in a few hours. I suppose the main reason Batman wanted to almost die is because Batman wants to not really live. But Batman doesn't know that consciously! That would make him realize just how insane he actually is.

"This is Gotham PD. We have an old man tied up at a homeless shelter. Seems he was attacked by the Batman. Send paramedics so we can get this poor guy some help."

Later in a court of law, Justice is bent over and raped in the ass. Just another average day in the life of our legal system. And another average day in the life of a narcissistic asshole with loads of money as he freely walks away from his horrible crimes.

Batman: The Dark Knight #29 Rating: +1 Ranking. I almost gave this a +2 Ranking for portraying Corporate CEOs more accurately than they're normally portrayed. But then I remembered Man-Bat was in this issue, and I couldn't give it more than a +1.

Batman: The Dark Knight #28

Oh. So we're really not done with Man-Bat stories yet?

Man-bat must really speak to writers. Do they see the name and think, "Whoa! That's like Batman in reverse! I bet I can write a story that compares Man-Bat's twisted sense of right and wrong with Batman's sense of right and wrong which will cause the reader to question how the two character's methods are really any different! Is Batman really a caring guy or is he, like Man-Bat, simply a monster of the night? Or this could wind up being a love story. I hope, at the very least, Batman acknowledges how stupid the character of Man-Bat is. I bet Alfred will make some kind of cutting remark that sounds like he's making fun of Man-Bat but he's secretly criticizing his boss! That will be so funny that I am laughing about it already.

Once again, Gotham's streets are littered with dead people drained of blood with bat teeth marks all over them. The first person Batman questions is Dr. Kirk Langstrom because that idiot created this formula that is causing dozens of people to lose their fight against sudden non-existence.

As usual, Batman causes hundreds of dollars in damage to an innocent person's home and doesn't give a fuck. You don't stay rich by squandering the money you inherited! You have to invest it in window repair services and then go around the city breaking every window you can.

If I were Lois Lane, I'd head to Gotham to uncover the secret identity of The Batman. And the way to do it would be to follow the money! Batman breaks dozens of windows every night. Who is repairing those windows? Who is making money off of all of this vandalism? She'll discover the parent company of the window repair company with all of the contracts is Wayne Enterprises. And just like that, she'll have her answer! If she needs any proof, all she has to notice is that Bruce Wayne used to have a son that disappeared right about the time Robin died. Also he once had a ward that disappeared right around the time another Robin died. Also he had two other wards and Batman had at least one other sidekick since his sidekicks went "Robin, Red Robin, Robin." She could probably also seduce him and then search Wayne Manor once he passes out from the way she rocks his world.

The last two issues had no words but Gregg Hurwitz is making up for it on page three due to Kirk Langstrom's father's Narration Boxes. There's no room for art! It's just "blah blah blah capitalism at all cost blah blah blah." He believes he's bought up all the Man-Bat serum in the world so he can control and sell it. But does he realize that the League of Assassins has a Man-Bat army at their disposal?

It turns out Langstrom's father is using the serum for himself because he's a corporate bigwig psychopath. He figures he can get away with whatever he wants. So why not fly around Gotham murdering people at night? Who's going to stop him?

I don't call myself Master Comic Book Reader of the West Wind for kicks! Although I'm not a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader of Flowers because while I nailed the reasons for another stupid Man-Bat comic book, I really didn't expect Alfred to take the enemy seriously. The most unnerving? Bah! Alfred, you puss.

The Bat-Computer once again does all the work for Batman and they realize that Kirk's father is the new Man-Bat. Maybe Bruce can defeat him without Batman's help by just crushing his pharmaceutical company!

Guess what? Bruce learns from Lucius that Patriarch Biopharmaceuticals is the exact opposite of Wayne Enterprises! And Abraham Langstrom was the exact opposite of Thomas Wayne! And Man-Bat is the exact opposite of exciting! Hopefully Bruce realizes he now needs to bankrupt Langstrom. This is not a job for Batman at all! That opposite fight has been seen one too many times during this Reboot. I'm ready for a court battle between two huge corporations that winds up bankrupting them both as both CEOs play a game of chicken with the other's bank account.

Every time there is a shot of Gotham's skyscrapers, I check the window lights for a message. Finally somebody comes through! Thanks, Van Sciver (or Hi-Fi) for the names and the Batman symbol.

It turns out Langstrom's dad hates his son because he's a weak nerdy nerd that loves playing Pokemon in the mall with thirteen year olds. But he loved Bruce Wayne because that kid was scoring with chicks at six years old. And being that everything about Batman and Man-Bat has to be opposite day, that means Thomas Wayne hated his son Bruce and loved Kirk Langstrom! Hopefully Bruce doesn't make that connection and cry his stupid eyes out.

Actually I hope he does so I can laugh at him and call him a baby.

Later, Alfred mentions that Langstrom and Bruce are a lot alike but that Langstrom lacks a moral compass. I'm going to level up my Master Comic Book Reader status for that although you're going to have to trust me on this one. In my opening paragraph, I had a long bit about how Man-Bat and Batman were different but opposite. So Man-Bat would have twisted ethics and morals which would shine light on Batman's moral compass. But then I thought it sounded stupid and deleted it. I guess it wasn't stupid because Alfred, yet again, pretty much states everything I deleted! Now I'm kicking myself! I never delete stuff I type! I always just comment on how I thought about deleting it! What a dumb dumb!

Batman gets his anti-Man-Bat Antidote loaded and heads out to take out Daddy-Man-Bat. But when he finally gets a chance to dose him, the needle breaks. And Batman falls from a great height. Again. How many New 52 comic books have ended with somebody falling from a great height?! As if Batman isn't going to Bat-grapple himself to safety. Or the Batplane isn't going to catch him. Or he isn't going to pull Boots of Levitation out of his Utility Belt.

Batman: The Dark Knight #28 Rating: No change. It starred Daddy-Man-Bat! That is not in any way better than Man-Bat. They are both horrible. Although I leveled up my Master Comic Book Reader Class a couple of times! I don't know what my rank is. I'll have to check later. Master Comic Book Reader of the East or South Wind. One of those!

Arkham War #5

This is the last comic book I read that has "unleashed" on the cover! I really mean it this time! Come up with a new word, DC!

Okay, DC! I've done the difficult research for you by consulting Lord Google. Here are some other ways this cover could have gone!

"DISGUST DISCHARGED!"
"LOATHING LET LOOSE!"
"FRIGHT FREED!"
"REPUGNANCE RELEASED!"
"CONSTERNATION VENTED!"

Okay, maybe "unleashed" is the most viable which is why you overuse it. But I'm quite partial to "CONSTERNATION VENTED!"

In previous installments, Bane had disclosed hostilities on Gotham City which was currently overrun by deranged escapees from Arkham. That's probably why the comic book is called Arkham War. The regular citizens of Gotham are currently just trying to survive. Just like every other day in Gotham! Except most days nobody winds up in rowboats being sent out of the city by Jim Gordon and Agatha Greeksurnameopolis. Most days also don't involve Talons murdering the life out of everybody. Sure, some days have ended that way! But it's still fairly unusual. Not the kind of day you want to get caught outside without your full Kevlar body suit.

Bane loves going out in this weather.

Bane quickly finds himself in a full Talon downpour while William Cobb (the only Talon loyal to Bane) heads off on a super secret mission of secrecy. Bane is just the distraction because he can survive an assault of seven or so Talons. Or so he thinks! Batman survived being attacked by even more than that although he had help from Alfred. Alfred's help is probably worth four Talons alone. All Bane has is his ego and piles of dead soldiers to not fight beside him.

I'm not sure how you're supposed to defeat Bane but I am almost certain the secret is not anal beads.

As Bane keeps the Talons busy, Cobb returns from above, swinging down on a huge chopper blade to slice all the talons in twain. And since Talons don't die, Cobb is allowed a quiet moment to explain to them that they will soon regenerate right past the Scarecrow's mind control grip on them. I suppose they'll decide to follow Cobb back into battle. But I believe the Arkhamites still have one Talon in Henry Ballard! I don't really remember anything about that Talon but I'm pretty sure he wasn't present for Cobb's cutting party.

Back in Arkham, Scarecrow is thinking about contingency plans since controlling the Talons was never a sure part of the plan. His back-up plan was to get a sample of Bane's Venom to use against him. It seems that each and every Arkham escapee involved in the war is going to take a dose of the venom.

This is going to wind up a lot like the first horrible story arc of Batman: The Dark Knight.

Nobody here wants to use the Venom because that junk is crazy shitballs. So they refuse to drink. Too bad Crane wasn't using the wine as a delivery system. Instead, he piped the Venom into the room in gaseous form. So everybody is fucked. At least nobody took if voluntarily in this comic book! I still don't know what the fuck was up with all of the residents of Arkham tainted by Venom in Finch's initial story arc of Batman: The Dark Knight. That shit was so fucking awful. It may have been the worst end to any of The New 52's first issues when Venomized Two-Face appears and claims that he is now One-Face! What the fuck did that even fucking mean?! In a way, I kind of miss a lot of that amateur shit that was going down in the first year of The New 52! It's much harder to make fun of comics when I have to constantly lie and purposefully misunderstand the plot to find even a smidgen of humor for my commentaries.

At least the cover makes sense now! Even if it basically spoiled the final page.

Arkham War #5 Rating: No change. Another issue that felt like not much happened. Although I guess a lot did. Jim and Agatha are rescuing people. Bane defeated the Talons. The Scarecrow turned all of his allies into muscular brainless monsters. Hmm. That's it. So three things happened. And three things is not a lot. So I guess I was wrong when I guessed a lot happened. Never mind.

Rogues Rebellion #3

Last issue ends with Poison Ivy, so you'd think DC would have front loaded this comic with her image, probably forcing her into a Boob/Butt Showcase (but also selling a lot of copies!). Instead, they throw Man-bat on the cover and virtually assure that loads of this comic book will remain on the shelf in the Local Comic Book Store.

I know this is probably blasphemy to people who grew up in the eighties but I'm not against bringing up controversial subjects, so here it is: I think a remake of Back to the Future would be a great idea. Come on! Release it in 2015 so that the new Marty McFly goes back to 1985 when the original was set. And I suppose, if you really want to fuck up some crazy shit, don't make it a remake at all. Make it about Marty's kid and have him interact with the original Doc Brown, Christopher Lloyd, as more potentially wacky time disasters ensue. Michael J. Fox can reprise his role as Marty and his Parkinsons Syndrome can be explained as the aftereffects of all the time travel he wound up doing. It's also why he never time traveled again after the final movie. And in the same year (2015, remember?) release the next Ghostbusters, Star Wars, and Indiana Jones movies! I bet we'd see a lot of people from my generation completely lose their fucking shit!

So that's my position on a new Back to the Future movie! Go for it! You know what? Perhaps my suggestion is too run of the mill! Shit, most of what I just wrote has probably been said countless times by big fans all over the internet already! I can't help it if I don't subscribe to Potential Hollywood Movie Possibilities Weekly. Maybe they should simply hire Crispin Glover to tell the story in one long rambling shot as he paces around a stage and shows a slide show of the events via pictures he's hastily scribbled out on used napkins. I'd watch that too!

But I should probably stay away from these kinds of controversial subjects in my little comic book reading blog! I don't want to piss anybody off by expressing a version of pop culture radically different from the one they'd like to experience. I should just stick to talking about politics and religion. You know, things internet nerds care less about.

So last issue, The Rogues (minus Captain Cold, the best member of the group) found themselves in Poison Ivy's poisonous clutches! I mean venomous clutches! I think. One of those! She probably called them "boys" or something as well to get a nice emasculating dig in before she literally emasculates them. That means cutting off their members! That's why I used the word "literally!" I know the word has been watered down so much that it might have been confusing as to why I said it. You might have simply thought I meant she was going to make them admit they don't like watching football and can't stand the taste of beer from a can. But I didn't! I meant she was going to cut off their penis and testicles.

Look at her! She's so perfect here! Mister Hepburn, I will read any comic book you decide to draw. Even if it's written by Ann Nocenti.

As you may have gathered in the hems of your underwear, I appreciate comic book art that tends toward an animation style or a bit of exaggerated cartooniness. I'm not huge on photo realistic shit.

Poison Ivy points out that she knows The Crime Syndicate put a bounty on their heads but she doesn't give a fuck about that. She needs their help. Possibly in securing her part of Gotham. Maybe a little help to bring down Bane? Every ex-Arkhamite in Gotham has such wildly different plans for the city, it's hard to guess what Poison Ivy is after. Perhaps simply a garden of her own? While most of the Rogues act threatening, The Trickster decides to try a different approach: treat her like a sex object! Hey, you never know! It's best to try everything when negotiating with psychotics!

Too bad for The Trickster, Poison Ivy is not a sex object. She's the sex subject of the fucking sex sentence, bitch.

Poison Ivy now uses The Trickster as her negotiating tool (emphasis on tool!). If the Rogues don't help her, she'll just let him die from the poison. And what can they help her with? Well, she wants Weather Wizard to end the eclipse so her plants can enjoy a little bit of sunshine. Um. You do know, Miss Ivy, that "eclipses" aren't "technically" "weather"? I used a lot of quotations there because I don't know which part of that sentence was air-quote worthy. Because maybe eclipses are technically a weather phenomenon! A space weather phenomenon!

Weather Wizard points out she's crazy and maybe not very well-educated but Mirror Master believes he knows how they can move the moon! I bet his plan, like some crazed magician (I don't know why I used the adjective "crazed" there!), isn't to move the moon at all! But to use mirrors to make it seem like the moon has moved! I think Mirror Master would be a lousy name for a stage magician because you're giving the secret away right up front.

Somewhere in the next few pages I read (possibly the very next page, actually), Mirror Master (as he and Heatwave look for a Waynetech Warehouse for parts) reveals that his plan is, in fact, to create a series of mirrors to shine the sun on Ivy's Garden. I was going to scan the part where he reminds Heatwave of the plan but then the panel after that seemed like a much better choice to scan.

I don't know what this is about yet.

Oh, never mind. It was just The Ventriloguist with a couple of new dolls. I wonder if they're related to Ferdie?

Poison Ivy and Weather Wizard remain behind to watch over Trickster and chat a bit. One of the best parts about this Rogues Rebellion crossover series is that Buccellato gets a nice place to expand on the Rogues and their characters without taking time away from The Flash in his own book. Plus, Captain Cold is always overshadowing the rest of them, so it's nice to get the others away from him for awhile as well. Also, just pretend I said something silly in this paragraph to make up for the fact that I almost spoke intelligently about this comic book but then only did so in sweeping generalizations because thinking is hard.

Mirror Master and Heatwave have their own little moment as well.

Oh Heatwave! You big softy! Your actions betray you. You're actually laying your life on the line by helping out The Trickster which means you just don't want to feel the guilt and responsibility of one of your friends dying to save you! So cute!

While searching for parts to create a new Mirror Gun, Mirror Master and Heatwave make a god-awful racket. I don't want to lay the blame on either one of them particularly but if you had me at knife point with your dick out and told me I'd have to suck your dick if I didn't give up who was at fault, I'd say, "Mmmm! *gobble gobble suck suck drink* Mmmmm! Wait, what did you say? Why are you holding that knife?"

So anyway, a loud noise occurs through random happenstance and not at all from carelessness which causes the Men-Bats to come investigating because they have super awesome hearing and maths skills which allow them to hear a noise and triangulate the exact location of the noise. Unless they can only do that with their echo location? Oh, who cares! I don't believe in evolution anyway! So bats just hear good cause God gave them big ears.

I see they take after Batman in more ways than one. I bet the number one injury to children in Gotham City is from stepping on broken glass.

Halfway through the issue and Mirror Master doesn't even have his gun built yet! I don't think Poison Ivy is going to get her patch of sun this issue. I hope The Trickster can hold out for another month.

Heatwave and Mirror Master defeat the Men-bats although Heatwave gets pretty fucked up. And even when he's down and feeling like he might die, he still calls out for Mirror Master to help him. Because he knows his friend is there for him and that he would be there for Mirror Master. I think. Maybe Heatwave really is a gigantic selfish prick?! Perhaps I should take people at face value and accept the things they say instead of trying to analyze what they really mean. Because when I'm analyzing somebody, what I'm really doing is conflating who I think they should be. I have no real idea what's going on in anybody else's mind! So why give them the benefit of the doubt when they tell me they're an asshole? If you say you're an asshole, who am I to argue?!

Mirror Master and Heatwave take care of the Men-bats so quickly that they still have plenty of time to save Ivy's garden!

Mirror Master's plan works as he uses the mirrors on a satellite to bring sunlight through the Mirror World and out on to Ivy's garden. But Mirror Master is almost lost and The Trickster (who Ivy cured before the plan was put into action) flies into the Mirror World to save Mirror Master. The point being, the sunlight only lasts for a short time and Poison Ivy isn't particularly happy with the results. That's too bad! I would have liked the idea of Poison Ivy having a nice shiny patch of sun in the middle of Gotham! Although I'm sure as soon as Ultraman heard about it, he'd send Johnny Quick in to bust the mirror and put an end to all the happy, shiny nonsense.

Poison Ivy turns on the Rogues but it doesn't really matter much since the blast of sunlight has attracted the attention of a Man-bat and Mister Freeze.

Oh, and Claypuss.

I once wore my Captain Cold costume (just the top half with the hoodie. Okay, maybe the glasses too) to my old job at Academic Book Center about ten years ago. Everybody's first guess as to who I was? Yep. Mister Freeze. Fuck you, Arnold and that shitty portrayal that brought Mister Freeze to the forefront of everybody's minds when they think of cold based villains! At least I think his portrayal was shitty. You know what? I've never seen Batman and Robin! I should rectify that. Emphasis on the rectify! Because the movie sounds like rectum!

Rogues Rebellion #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. While Forever Evil's Villains Month probably had more misses than hits, the several mini-series that have come out of that event have been fun reads. Even ARGUS! Who'd have thought?! Fucking Steve Trevor isn't a guy I would ever be interested in reading about regularly. But I do like seeing him get his ass beat by Deathstroke. Also, I discovered another artist that I really enjoy! Nice job, Scott Hepburn!

Detective Comics #25

Look out, Jim Gordon! It's Zero Year! You'd better make it fucking exciting, you boring non-powered authoritarian fuckbag.

After 2200 posts, I finally labeled one of my posts "NSFW" because I mentioned how my posts are Never Safe For Work in a quote about a Gotham Police Officer sucking Batman's dick. Sorry for everybody that actually tries to block Not Safe For Work posts on their Tumblr dash (since none of my NSFW shit is visual, I figure it's not needed anyway) because that was a mistake I won't be repeating again! I immediately got follows from "SeeThisThroat," "MegaCougars," and "FaceDestruction." Although they could have followed me because of the tag "Go suck a batdick." Anyway, I hate to disappoint these people but I, sadly, will not be following them back. It's not that I'm against porn! It's just that I'm a snob who barely follows anybody. If I follow you, you should be inordinately proud! Proud that a sad, sadistic, cynical, housebound, grumpy asshat found something in common with you!

Actually, most of the people I follow on Tumblr I follow because they're completely different than me. I can live vicariously through a completely different life experience. I suppose "SeeThisThroat" probably offers something different but it's just not, for some reason, tickling my curiosity. You know what I mean.

Six years ago, Jim Gordon was about to die. But then he didn't. He lived instead! This made Jim Gordon angry! But happy too! He was angry at the men that tried to kill him not because he had lived! He was happy that he had lived even though some men had just tried to kill him! Those men were crooked cops and the year was Zero Year! For some reason!

Jim Gordon climbed from the river where he had been tossed like a sack of kittens and said, "This must be Zero Year! I will fight for justice and the American Way and possibly truth although what is truth, really? I mean, it depends on your experience and your perspective and whether or not you were force-fed a whole bunch of religious pablum as you were growing up as opposed to being allowed to watch Bill Nye and Beakman on Saturday Mornings." He then dusted the river water off of his trenchcoat and walked away to visit the emergency room because he just fell like five million feet into the water and he must have at least ruptured a testicle or something.

What is wrong with you, Jim Gordon? Stop worrying about the weather and get to a hospital already!

Perhaps Jim Gordon's mustache acted like a parachute and helped slow his decent. Then it acted like an air bag and helped cushion the impact. And then it acted like a pair of water wings and helped keep him afloat. And people think mustaches are just accessories to twirl and wax and make into outrageous shapes to hide the fact that you have no personality and are a complete bore to drink PBR with.

Instead of obsessing over the fact that he somehow survived his fall from the Trigate Bridge, praising God and miracles and Baby Jesuses and, possibly, Allah, Jim Gordon decides to have a nice long reminisce. He remembers things that happened in the past week like when The Black Mask Gang appeared on the scene. Jim and his partner, Francis Laney, arrived too late at one of the Black Mask Crime Scenes. Laney said, "Shucks! We lost 'em!" And Jim said, "We could have found them if you weren't so stupid!" And Laney said, "Duh!" And Jim said, "And sloppy!" And Laney said, "Whoops!" And Jim said, "And crooked!" And Laney said, "I'll kill you, Jim Gordon. I. Will. Kill. You." And Jim said, "Umm, what?" And Laney said, "Pretend I Narration Boxed that!" And Jim said, "Okay! Let's go get some coffee, partner!"

Or something like that. Sometimes what my eyes pick up winds up radically different after being processed by my brain. My fingers don't help either. They often type shit that even my brain didn't tell them to. Little fuckers.

Once Jim got back to Headquarters, he began going through the Employment Opportunity ads in The Daily Planet. But he knows they'd never hire a Gotham City police man. He'd have to assume a secret identity and leave his whole life behind him. So he decides to get his ass working on cleaning up Gotham. If only he had a superhero pal to help him out!

Amazing Detective work, Jim! "All the robberies took place near a McDonald's! I think I know the culprit and I'm going to question the clown immediately!" And just because he's right (about Roman, not about the clown!), it doesn't make it good detective work!

Jim decides to investigate anyway and he discovers that Janus Cosmetics also sells masks. "Aha!" he thinks. "The Smoking Gun! I've got Sionis!" Holy fuck, how did Gordon ever become Commissioner?!

Meanwhile, six years ago, Harvey Bullock was not fat.

Gordon keeps pressing his investigation so Commissioner Loeb sets Gordon up with the man that will eventually throw him off of a bridge to keep Gordon from discovering the truth. That's good police work! But Gordon is the master of police work! He gets played for a full week by Henshaw (the cop killer!) so that Gordon can get lots of evidence against him and the Black Mask. And then, just like he planned, he survives being thrown off of a bridge so that he has the final nail in the corpse casket against Henshaw and the other crooked cops working for The Black Mask.

Jesus. How is Blackgate Prison full of prisoners if nobody can be fucking arrested in this city?

Gordon overplays his hand and shows how he has enough evidence to bust Laney (the guy with the gun on Gordon) as well as Henshaw and several others. So now Laney has nothing to lose and is about to put a bullet in Gordon when Bullock saves the day! Seriously? Two good cops in one Gotham Precinct?! What are the fucking odds?

Eventually Jim becomes Commissioner and Bullock begins smoking and eating Popeyes way too much. Although is that a thing? Can you actually eat Popeyes way too much? I mean, I could probably live on their biscuits alone. How do they turn butter into the consistency of bread?! Fucking warlocks.

The back-up story sets the stage for more Man-Bat stories to come. Boo! Hiss! Bah! Lame! Man-bat sucks!

Detective Comics #25 Rating: +2 Ranking. I tend to think I read comic books for super hero stories. But as long as I get a really nice character driven piece, or a well-thought out study of a current character, I'm more than happy. This was a sexy look into Jim Gordon's past. And it included some surprise Bullock shots for the Bullock Fandom out there. Does that exist? Is that a thing?

Man-Bat #1

How come there was never a Boy-Robin?

I'm not sure when I really began to hate Man-Bat. It might have been yesterday after reading his Who's Who entry. He can transform into a bat and control it! But not he can't control it and he's insane! But now Batman gave him the antidote! Now he can control his bat transformations! Oh no but he went insane again! Now he wants to fuck his wife as a bat! Now she's gone insane! Now they're both sane! But their child is dying and it drives them insane! I think they also went insane from a vampire bat bite at one time.

Or my hatred for Man-Bat may have started earlier. It could have been when every fucking package of Heroclix had a useless Man-Bat figure inside of it so I had to field three Gotham City Cops, two Checkmate Agents, six Man-Bats and Desaad. Stupid useless garbage game.

Why must DC keep every character some jerk created and then keep them around for decades? You guys realize you can kill the shitty ones, right? Just because some writer was up against a deadline for a Batman story, threw a bunch of Batman comics on the floor in anger so they lined up and said "ManBatmanmanBatBatBatman," and was suddenly inspired to write a shitty story about a man that wants to have sonar for some idiotic reason, it doesn't make that a go-to story for future Batman epics. I'm sure somebody can point out a good Man-Bat story somewhere in DC's history and all I have to say to that someone is, "Go fuck yourself."

Man this story better suck ass or I'm going to be eating crow stuffed with my words in an hour or two.

The issue begins with a 3rd Grade Oral Report on bats and I'm suddenly thinking, "Rob Liefeld? Are you back, Rob?! Is that you!?" Alas, it is not. It happens to be Frank Tieri who co-wrote some of the crappiest New 52 books so far with Mr. Liefeld! It's good to see some of Liefeld's ability rubbed off on Mr. Tieri.

It begins, "Bats are like most animals. They prey on the weak. The vulnerable." Yeah! Fucking cows and deers and giraffes and shit! Preying on all the weak leaves and grasses! Fucking turds. And bats are the worst! Total fucking bullies, going after insects and fruit! Why don't you eat something your own size, you jerko bats!? How dare you eat those poor, weak loquats! And preying on the elderly and the wise! Animals are the worst!

Small children are probably the opposite of venerable, so they must be wea...oh! Vulnerable! Never mind.

It's okay for Woman-Bat to be around children because she doesn't have nipples. Although she does enjoy killing and eating them, so that's a bit of a downer. At least the parents don't have to explain titties to the kids. They'd probably get it all wrong anyway and point out that boobies are sex objects and should be covered all of the time instead of saying, "Boobies? You mean the things that were in your mouth for most of your childhood but now I'm teaching you to sexualize? Yeah, you can't see those fucking awesome things, kids."

Woman-Bat is completely insane which is a problem as I pointed out earlier. But Man-Bat is currently sane so it's his job to stop her from eating the children. It's also his job to constantly lament the fact that she used him and never loved him and their marriage was a sham and poor, poor fucking Kirk Langstrom! Abused by life! Treated shabbily! Without worth! The worst character in the DC Universe!

Man-Bat battles Woman-Bat until she transforms into a sexy topless woman.

Sure! Now the panels are just face shots! Stupid Teen Ratings. I should be doing a blog about Heavy Metal! Weren't you just listening to me when I said boobies aren't sex objects?! Now show them to me!

The cops arrive on the scene because I don't know when the fuck this takes place. I guess Batman is busy or dead or napping or something. But this doesn't appear to be Gotham City after the Crime Syndicate appeared unless the criminals have all declared the kid's parks off-limits. Except for feeding, of course. So Man-Bat flies off before he's accused of man-bat-handling a lady.

Kirk's next journal entry (Day 7!) states that Woman-Bat was charged with a bunch of murders so I guess the police recognized her in her hot topless form since, well, let's be honest. She was pretty fucking sexy as a Bat as well.

Oh, but by Day 7, Batman is gone and Gotham has gone crazy. Man-Bat believes it's up to him to fight crime in Batman's absence. But I read the same Who's Who Entry that I bet Frank Tieri did! Man-Bat was in control but now he's going to lose control before Batman has to return to put him back in control! It's about the only thing you can do with this character, I guess.

Oh, you naive Bat-Bastard.

I bet Frank Tieri didn't even want the job of writing Man-Bat. I bet he pulled the shortest straw in the office! Although if he'd given DiDio a hand job, he probably wouldn't be stuck with this task! That was a "pulling a small penis" joke! And the penis was Dan DiDio's! Not that there is anything wrong with small penises! I don't think. How should I know? I'm not a doctor of small penises?!

Man-Bat goes out to protect Gotham and massacres a bunch of street thugs in front of a child and his parents. So cool! Now that kid has an awesome story for Show and Tell! And it'll be the best story if he brings one of the thugs severed limbs or detached heads!

Eventually Kirk loses total control and goes insane. Fucking waste of time. Why did I even read this thing?! Man-Bat is crazy then he's not crazy then he's crazy then he's not crazy. I don't know whether he's crazy or not but I do know he fucking sucks.

Yep. I guess the playgrounds are off-limits to hoodlums. Unless they're hungry.

Man-Bat #1: Has this story just not been told enough? Is it a morality tale that still rings true? Is it about drug abuse? Loss of self-control? Arrogance? Bitter marriages? I know one thing it isn't about: entertainment! Thanks for being just as stupid as you've always been, Man-Bat! Now instead of crow stuffed with my own words, I'm going to go eat pancakes stuffed with victory!

Man-bat! (as seen in Batman and shit)

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Kirk Langstrom
Occupation: Zoologist, former Detective
Marital Status: Married
Known Relatives: Francine (wife), Rebecca Elizabeth (daughter), Britt (sister)
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: Gotham City, formerly New York City and Chicago
First Appearance: DETECTIVE COMICS #400
Height: 6'1" Weight: 201 lbs.
Eyes: (as Langstrom) Brown, (as Man-Bat) Red [Why do all "monster-types" have Red or Black eyes?]
Hair: Brown

HISTORY
Dr. Kirk Langstrom was the resident authority on nocturnal mammals at the Gotham Museum of Natural History. Inspired by his admiration of The Batman (see Batman II), Langstrom hoped to give himself a natural sonar power like a bat's by taking increasing doses of a compound he extracted from a certain gland in bats [Anal.]. Langstrom succeeded, but to his horror, the compound also turned him into a grotesque bat-like creature. In this form Langstrom fought The Batman and turned increasingly insane. Finally, Langstrom forced his fiancée, Francine Lee, to let him turn her into a bat-like creature so they could mate. The Batman succeeded in injecting both Langstrom and Lee with an antidote [Batman Semen!], restoring them to human form and sanity.

Later, after being bitten by a vampire bat, Francine would uncontrollably become a vampiric bat-like creature under a full moon. Eventually, however, Francine was apparently permanently cured, and she no longer changes into bat-like form.

Able to change back and forth between his human and bat forms, using serums, Lamgstrom [Not my typo!] became a crimefighter as Man-Bat, emulating his hero, The Batman. Langstrom and Francine were married and had a daughter, Rebecca.

Rebecca became deathly ill, and what Langstrom thought was the only serum that could cure her was spilled in a fight between The Batman and a criminal. The Batman knew that the serum had been contaminated earlier, and Rebeccca was later curd by other means [With the help of Superman in DC Comics Presents!]. However, unjustly believing The Batman had nearly caused Rebecca's death, Langstrom sank into a severe depression. Accidentally taking an overdose of his bat-gland formula, Langstrom went insane upon next becoming Man-Bat. The Batman restore Langstrom to normal, but by forgetting to take the antidote regularly, Langstrom reverted to being the insane Man-Bat again. Once more The Batman restored him to human form [This entry is just a bunch of sentences comprised of "turned into Man-Bat" and "turned back into Langstrom." It's super exciting!].

Today Langstrom again appears to be in control of his transformations and remains sane when in his Man-Bat form.

POWERS & WEAPONS
By taking his bat-gland formula, Kirk Langstrom can transform himself into a bat-like creature. He can return to human form by taking an antidote.

As Man-Bat, Langstrom possesses superhuman strength, super-sensitive hearing, and the ability to fly at great speeds.

Like a bat, Man-Bat has natural sonar. He emits high-pitched sound waves and can hear the echoes they make when they bounce off nearby objects. Thus Man-Bat can navigate perfectly even in pitch blackness.

Detective Comics #23

I can't wait until Villains' Month so I have some new things to talk about.

I am officially out of shit to say. So fuck off while I read about Batman.

Three years ago, Batman was the shittiest career counselor in Gotham City.

When somebody suggests you get a GED, what they're really saying is "Please stop stealing my shit, you asshole." They just want to distract you from your glorious and fulfilling life of crime. Getting a GED doesn't do anything except keep you too busy to steal DVRs. Although a vocational school might be a good idea. A better idea is to train to become a member of the TSA and then people bring their shit straight to you to steal. No more fucking leg work! Get fat, lazy, annoying, and obnoxious while taking other people's material possessions! That should be the poster for TSA recruitment. More poster ideas: "Want to feel powerful but wield no real power whatsoever? Then the TSA is for you!" Oh! You know how that Marine recruitment advert had that guy fighting dragons? They should make one of those for the TSA but have slobby jerks sitting around a table rolling dice while one of them asks, "Seriously? Chlorine gas? Stupidest dragon ever."

By the way, Batman, who the fuck are you to be telling people to do "something useful" with their lives? It's their fucking lives, you pretentious wanker. I understand not wanting him to fuck up other people's lives. But as long as he's not hurting anybody else, does his life actually have to be useful? I think I'm personally offended by the suggestion that I might be just as critical to society as a common mugger! I say common mugger because I'm pretty sure an exceptional mugger has more talent than I have!

I also take exception with Batman's use of breaking bones to teach lessons. If he's so Goddamned good at what he does, that means he broke this kid's leg in two places on purpose. He methodically tortured this kid in an unnecessary way! Batman could easily detain a non-super-powered thief and attempted murderer because he's an expert at all kinds of physical and mental tactics. The kid should just be tied up and hung from a lamppost. Which makes me think Batman broke the kid's legs for the simple pleasure of it! The worst part about this is that a broken leg can be fatal! Batman can't know that complications won't arise that end up killing this kid! What if his leg never heals correctly and he's forced to become a thief and an attempted murderer? I mean, forced to remain those things! I hate you, Batman!

Please don't break my arm for being honest!

By the way, that kid with the broken leg? Three years later he was found dead in an alley from a long, long fall after going by the name Scorn and working with The Wrath! And it's all because he didn't take Counselor Batman's advice. Boo hoo.

Dr. Batman, Professional Therapissed.

Batman has caught up with The Wrath and he believes he knows The Wrath's secret identity as well: E.D. Caldwell! Who? I don't know. Some anti-Bruce Wayne douche that's come to town to make Gotham a better place. He's watched Bruce Wayne long enough to realize how much money can be made in real estate in Gotham City if you control the means of cleaning up the crime in very specific areas while letting it run rampant in others. Cheap property in the crime laden areas, so you buy it all up, clean up the area with The Batman or The Wrath, then sell the properties at increased amounts. How could a rich jerk like Caldwell pass up such a gold strike town as this?

But Batman should know that figuring out secret identities isn't so easy! My guess is that The Wrath is E.D. Caldwell's butler, or, as I mentioned in an earlier commentary, Alfred Pennyworth's nemesis!

Here is the moment The Wrath defeated himself. Must I keep saying it, Super Villains? When you have the chance, KILL KILL MOTHERFUCKING KILL, YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS!

Bruce Wayne discusses his plans with Alfred but not with the reader. Reading between the lines, it sounds like Bruce Wayne is sending Alfred to pick a fight with Caldwell's butler! Or possibly challenge him to a bake-off. Perhaps a wood polishing contest.

Bruce and Alfred head over to Caldwell Technology to have a meeting with "Erectile Dysfunction" Caldwell. His secretary asks them to wait in the lobby.

The dress policy at Caldwell Tech is "Business-Catholic School".

Oh did I say lobby? I meant to say Caldwell is busy speaking with Detective Bullock so the secretary brings Bruce and Alfred into the bare, empty office to stand around in the background as they conduct police business. Seems about as professional as her business attire!

Oh shut the fuck up. This is a comedy blog! If you see the kind of shit I've worn in the past for business interviews, you'd realize I don't give a shit about dress codes! A good rule of thumb is to never wear anything to an interview that you'd be uncomfortable in at the job. So if I don't get the job because I didn't dress up enough, fuck them because I wouldn't have wanted to dress up that way every day anyway. I think this secretary probably believes the same as I do. Although I'd probably feel more comfortable having some underwear on.

Caldwell decides that sparring with Bruce as they discuss business is the best way to go. Fuck him. I wouldn't even shake his hand because I find it too aggressive! But I'd have to fight with him to even try to work with him? I hate both of these guys!

Oh sure! After all the Batman Incorporated bullshit, now you're going to try distancing yourself from Batman?

While Bruce and E.D. are sparring, Alfred sneaks off to hack into the building's computer network. I bet Caldwell's butler catches him! Oh man! From that first panel when Caldwell was shown to have a butler, I was wetting myself for the confrontation between the butlers!

But first Alfred has to wander into Caldwell's war room. Caldwell looks slightly upward with his x-ray contact lenses at one point and sees Alfred entering a secure location. That location is filled with tanks and other war vehicles. Because the best place to hide tons and tons of ground war machines is on the forty second story of a high rise in downtown Gotham. Maybe it's the top floor where The Wrath has the tanks delivered in his Invisible Wrathcopter.

The Wrath captures Alfred. But it isn't yet revealed if The Wrath is the Butler or E.D. Caldwell because they both leave the room before The Wrath appears. So my pony is still in the running! Meanwhile, Bruce Wayne says, "Fuck secret identities, bitch!" and exits Caldwell Tech via his Batplane.

Don't worry, Bruce. I'm sure nobody was watching. It was only two billionaires sparring on a balcony without any railings. If you've lived in Gotham, you've seen it a million times.

Next issue is, supposedly, the showdown between The Wrath and The Batman. I'm not sure who I want to win.

The back-up story is still about Kirk and Francine Langstrom. Man-bat and Man-Woman! I mean Woman-bat! It turns out his wife was into corporate espionage! She only married him to steal his ideas for some corporation! Probably Apple! Or maybe Leviathan. Who cares? I don't care! I have enough Man-bat guano to keep me occupied since my next DC Comics Presents I'm going to read features Superman and Man-bat!

Oh, Leviathan is over and done! She's working for some company called Caldwell Industries. I wonder if that's any relation to Caldwell Tech?

Not quite as pornographic as some of the images from The Swamp Thing #23, but still pretty erotic. Especially if you have a penis like a blue test tube.

Francine "Lee" Langstrom turns into Woman-Bat (Aggressive Version) and flies off to further adventures while Kirk is left to cry in his serum.

Detective Comics #23 Rating: No change. The Batman is a dick. The Wrath is a dick. Butler Waters is a dick. Kirk Langstrom is a dick. Francine Lee is a dick. This comic book should be called "Five Dicks and a Penny."