Monday, December 30, 2013

Animal Man #26

On Earth 16, Darkseid is a goat.

As if Buddy Baker didn't already have enough shit raining down on his life already, now he has to deal with being teleported to a strange planet to help some aliens with a pest control problem? And, according to the cover, those pests are Darkseid Goatmen. Fuck, man. You find one Darkseid Goatman in your house, you've got thousands of Darkseid Goatmen in your house.

Hmm. Maybe one Darkseid Goatman is problem enough.

What is it with Animal Man's name that causes me to instantly start singing some song or jingle using his name? I understand the last couple of issues where I was singing Animal Man to the tunes of Spider-Man and Particle Man. But today I picked up the cover and started singing, "Animal Man! Animal Man! Break me off a piece of that Animal Man!" Really, Tess? The Kit Kat Jingle? I completely understand singing it to Spider-man because that theme song has been stuck in my head for over thirty years. On the way to get some Iced Tea a few days ago, I was walking along singing, "Man-Spider! Man-Spider! Does whatever a Ma-an does! Wears a suit! Goes to work! Walks around like a big old jerk! Look out! Here comes the Man-Spider!" But I don't normally wander about singing the Kit Kat song. I don't think. Holy shit. Maybe I do!

Soon, Animal Man finds himself fighting side by side with the aliens speaking in the crazy fonts against Darkseid Goatman. I wonder if these guys are with Justice League Canada?

Animal Man and his new alien buddies run for cover, hiding in a tiny cave which the gargantuan Darkseid Goatman cannot fit into. Buddy decides he should probably make friends with the other creatures trapped in the cave with him.

Why would you try to shake its hand? You just ripped off one of its tentacles with that hand! How does it not see this as a threatening gesture?! I would pull out my penis and swing it around to mime, "See? I've got tentacles too?!" No, on second thought, it might decide to get even and rip it off.

Animal Man uses his powers (his really kind of shitty and boring powers, actually. If I were Animal Man, I'd spend all day channeling a ferret so that everything I encountered all day long would be the most amazing fucking thing I'd ever discovered) to channel a Darkseid Goatman to defeat the Darkseid Goatman. And I guess he passed whatever fucking test he was yanked off of Earth to take because he's visited by a creature whose name translated into "Suck the Root."

I mean "Bridgewalker"!

I bet Bridgewalker's instagram is filled with pictures of his Starbuck's cups where they've spelled his unpronounceable name incorrectly. Do those pictures of Starbuck's cups with the purchaser acting indignant because their name is spelled wrong on the cup piss you off as much as they piss me off?! Who the fuck do people think they are nowadays? Is everybody some Goddamn royalty and we're all expected to know how their so fucking creative and imaginative parents spelled their name, as opposed to terminally guessing at that shit? You do know that names don't have a standard spelling and if you're pissed at the way your name is spelled on your cup, I guaran-fucking-tee you that your name isn't even close to the most used spelling variation and/or Michael! Stop acting as if people are idiots because they didn't know there were three fucking "Y"s in Bryttyny! By the way, if your name is spelled creatively, it's probably a sure sign that your name is the most creative thing your parents have ever done and they're completely fucking proud and smug about it. Get the fuck out of here with your baby names! I always wanted to name my kid Jack and spell it Xqkktvyxplf.

The name Bridgewalker sounds like the English translation of a euphemism for gay that's used by people in a foreign country. Like how in Germany one of their phrases for homosexual is "he's from the other side of the shore." Bridgewalker sounds maybe like its a literal translation of this alien race's slang for bisexual.

Bridgewalker goes into a long spiel about how Animal Man has now been chosen to be the next Bridgewalker on the Seed Planet which is the source of all the power behind the Red and the Green across the entire universe and how if the Seed Planet ever dies all life will die and how the Bridgewalker keeps it safe and blah blah fucking fuck me blah blah blah. It's all layers, man! You thought you were the shit master of everything, didn't you, Daddy-o? But nooooo! You later learned the Totems were the big boys on the block! But guess what?! Even they don't know that there's something greater! A living planet of semen, bitch! Your ass is now master of the Planet of Seed! Now keep it safe or else everybody in the universe will be shooting blanks when they orgasm and females will be releasing little shells of nothing into their uteri each month! Unless it works differently on other planets which why should it if there's a Master Seed Planet behind them all?! Right?

Maybe! But Buddy Baker responds with a "Fuck that shit!" and Bridgewalker is all, "NO?! Did you just refuse, motherfucker?!"

And then Bridgewalker is all, "Oh, yeah, I see your point. Fuck. Sorry, dude."

Buddy and Bridgewalker come to an understanding. If Buddy will just promise to give up everything at some random point in the future when The Bridgewalker dies to become the Bridgewalker's replacement, and if Buddy will drop some Cosmic Acid to become closer to The Universal Red, Buddy can return to Earth and save Maxine from Brother Blood. I guess that's a pretty good deal because Buddy was having a tough time getting back to the Red to help out and now The Bridgewalker gave him a direct access pass and dropped him right in Brother Blood's Totem Pal's Lap.

Animal Man #26 Rating: No change. Bridgewalker is a fucking idiot. He calls together a bunch of Green and Red Avatars from all over the Universe to fight in some kind of cosmic deathmatch to see who will replace him. And for some reason he calls Buddy and Buddy wins. Buddy isn't even an Avatar of the Red! He's just a chump! A tool! A nobody! It should have been Maxine that wound up on The Seed. I suppose news travels slowly in The Red and The Green since even The Seeder still thought Buddy was the Avatar when he decided to try to kill him. There might also be an age limit to live on a planet made of semen, eggs, seeds, and pollen. What if Buddy had allergies? I bet a visit to The Seed Planet would have made his head explode.

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