Suicide Squad #30

It's nice to see King Shark's flushing didn't take.

I don't know why this issue of Suicide Squad was even needed. Perhaps it's time for DC to bring back the policy where they just fucking pull the rug out from under a creative team and tell them to hang up their shit, the gig's over. This last issue and Nightwing's last issue are both completely new creative teams, so I guess DC felt that some final Forever Evil plot threads needed to be tied up before they shitcanned these books. Suicide Squad has simply never found an identity that worked. It's mostly been garbage, treating the characters in it like garbage, and really just riding Harley's popularity for thirty issues. This book has been a stinker.

I hate saying that, too! I absolutely loved Ostrander's Suicide Squad. I even loved Giffen's short-lived run that was released sometime around the turn of the millennium. But this version seems to have been poorly thought out and rushed to press simply because DC wanted a Suicide Squad book for The New 52. Hopefully now it will remain cancelled until somebody can come up with a really good pitch for a new series and good reason to bring the team back. Give them a fucking purpose aside from dealing with Amanda's personal vendetta's against Regulus and Basilisk. Fuck, that Basilisk shit was poorly planned out as well.

The issue begins with the government of the United States of America encouraging Black Manta to kill Aquaman with a sly nudge and a wink.

What is wrong with Black Manta's voice?

Amanda Waller is in Washington, D.C. to be fitted with a government buttplug. She's bent over at a congressional hearing, sized up, measured, fitted, and spit back out into the system, confused for possibly the first time in The New 52.

Floyd Lawton has his mustache back although he's chosen to go with a look that says "I'm the douchiest date rapist in the Fraternity," a Van Dyke/Soulpatch combo. He's being transferred to a new prison along with a couple of guys that I might be the only one frothing at the anal glands to see: Coldsnap and Shakedown! Those guys were in the Masters of Disaster! Coldsnap mentions how their ladies are still free and are going to break them out! That means we might get the first appearance of New-Wave, Heatstroke, and Windfall! I hope Windfall especially appears. Even though she's so young, I think it's okay for me to still have a huge crush on her because I had a huge crush on her when I was a kid first getting into comic books. That's not weird or anything! I'm just wallowing in nostalgia, not acting like a pedo!

Meanwhile, the Secretary of Defense has been assigned to make sure Waller's buttplug is nice and secure.

Why is that guy's desk so long? Is he overcompensating for the length of his buttplug?

This issue has completely revamped the Suicide Squad like DC needed to do to it two years ago. The members will now be completely secret and won't be seen as prisoners or have any ties to the United States. The missions will be to secure American interests while having no apparent ties to America. They will just be a bunch of super villains committing international crimes. And if those crimes just happen to help out the United States, who's going to notice except all the conspiracy theorists? And who's going to believe them since the term "conspiracy theorist" has become a way of dismissing people without having to counter their arguments or engage them in debate.

Meanwhile, Heatstroke and New-Wave are captured trying to break out their teammates. No Windfall to be seen though, dammit!

Black Manta tries to go out for a burger but when he orders, the server is all, "Why the fuck is your speech balloon all polarized and shit?" And Black Manta is all, "I'LL TAKE FRIES WITH THAT!" And then he bashes her face into the register for no reason whatsoever except to get arrested. You know, I kind of liked Black Manta when he was running around trying to kill Aquaman. Firstly, who cares if Aquaman gets killed? Good riddance! And secondly, Aquaman killed Black Manta's father for no fucking good reason! So Black Manta actually has as good a reason as any super villain out there to kill a super hero. But now that Black Manta has taken an innocent, underpaid fast-food clerk's face and smashed it through a cash register, I don't think I can like him anymore. In my book, the worst thing you can do is to treat like shit a person who gets treated like shit all the fucking time. When you yell at a clerk at a convenience store or a server at a fast food restaurant, realize you're in no way the first person to treat that person like shit. How dare you continue to make them feel like crap? Even if they love their job, they're still barely making anything and have to deal with assholes who didn't get their burgers put together the correct way. Now they have to deal with half of their teeth getting knocked out and a serious concussion?! Fuck you, Black Manta! Fuck you right in the polarized speech bubble.

Well, I guess admitting you have an anger problem is a decent first step to mend this bridge between us!

Do you think if I painted a mace green, I could convince people that I had a Green Lantern ring and the mace was a construct? It's the go to construct for most Green Lanterns, right?!

I'm almost through and King Shark hasn't appeared yet! You better get crackin' on his return, Sean Ryan!

Black Manta joins up with Task Force X, Amanda is back in place heading up the crew at Belle Reve (although with much less power and an uncomfortable foreign item lodged up her backside), Floyd Lawton is in a cell nearby, and The Masters of Disaster look like they're going to be some of the first casualties when the Suicide Squad relaunches with Issue #1. I don't know when that takes place but I sure hope it's fucking interesting!

Suicide Squad #30 Rating: +3 Ranking. I probably shouldn't give this issue a positive ranking since it's less like Suicide Squad #30 and more like Suicide Squad Volume Two (of The New 52!) #0. I like the direction it's headed in. I like that Deadshot and Amanda are still the foundation of the group. And I love that The Masters of Disaster have made an appearance although I'm sure at least one of them is going to die in the Squad's relaunch. Black Manta did a dick thing and I'm not happy with him right now! So he can go shit in his helmet for all I care. Hopefully Boomerang finds his way into the Squad as well. And since she has her own title now, I hope Harley Quinn stays out. She really didn't fit in with the Squad very well anyway, even if she was the only reason people were buying this series.

Forever Evil #7

After the last few covers were absolutely horribl, I think DC told Finch to take as long as he needed to make sure this one at least looked decent.

Do I even care what was going on in this story? I said last commentary that Forever Evil went one issue too long. I was more right than I knew at the time seeing as how this last issue has taken two months to come out. I'll be glad to get it behind me so I can turn all of my concentration to DC's next huge fumble, Futures End.

One of the things I've hated about this story is that many of the characters are completely out of character. I haven't read a whole lot of Geoff Johns' writing but I've noticed in Forever Evil that he just kind of puts characters into the situations that he needs them to be in to get to the next point in his plot. So Batman is now choking the life out of Lex Luthor because he asphyxiated Dick to disarm the bomb attached to Dick's heart. But Batman, even at the worst moments, doesn't fucking lose control like this when somebody he loves is in trouble. Dick was just asphyxiated which means there's a good chance of bringing him around with CPR. But instead Batman wastes time trying to kill Luthor.

Although, when I think about it, killing Luthor probably isn't really a waste of time. It's actually time put to pretty good use. But at this moment, it's wasting time that could be best spent helping little Dicky.

This is the overly complex procedure which Luthor took to kill Dick Grayson. And then revive him!

I just asked Lord Google about reviving somebody from asphyxiation and the single page I quickly skimmed (research!) seemed to agree with my belief that Batman should have been trying CPR on Dick instead of reverse CPR on Lex. Although it also said the heart keeps beating after respiration stops. I guess that's why Lex had to give Dick that pill! See? It all makes stupid sense. Except that part where Batman forgot to try to bring Dick back.

When Dick shows signs of life, Batman hugs him in a way that leaves Lex knowing exactly who Batman and Nightwing are: lovers.

Cyborg returns with Grid whose hard drive crashed. He's the only one that knows the Justice League is downstairs trapped inside Firestorm's Slash Fiction Matrix. I don't where the Metal Men have gone. They're probably off fucking gumball machines and ATMs. The good guys head off to save the Justice League while Lex, Bizarro, and Catwoman are left to defeat the Crime Syndicate. At least there are only four members left and they'll probably have help from Mazahs.

Or maybe not. Hell, maybe the Crime Syndicate will simply eat themselves.

Apparently Geoff Johns has decided that all of the Crime Syndicate are villains with many strengths and powers. But Superwoman's main power is fucking those other men and telling them they got her pregnant.

Remember how this comic book began with Ted Kord's father getting killed? Let's get back to that stuff about Ted Kord being a part of The New 52 already! The rest of this series has just been filler leading to that!

As Lex and Bizarro meet up with the rest of the Legion of Doom, Catwoman heads down with the good jerks to help out with Firestorm. Maybe she'll be able to help because she's a thief. She can just casually bump into Firestorm and lift Superman right out of the Slash Fiction Matrix.

One more down and the people New Earth haven't had to lift a finger.

To save the Justice League from Firestorm, J'onn telephathically tells Batman he must use Diana's lasso because he has a connection to Wonder Woman. This causes Catwoman to get all jealous because why else are women in comic books, right? Apparently this is Geoff Johns' way of planting the seeds for a Wonder Woman Loves Batman comic book. Hinting at this ridiculous love triangle just seems idiotic to me. Batman doesn't love Wonder Woman. Batman doesn't even love Catwoman! Batman is in love with Gotham City!

I still wish that Judd Winick had set up the Catwoman/Batman relationship with Catwoman having all the power. I hate seeing her constantly throwing herself at him while he remains emotionally distant. I'd much rather have a Catwoman that loves fucking Batman but couldn't give a shit about a relationship and a Batman that stalks her and pines after her continuously. Why can't we have that story? Why does Batman lose control over the thought of Dick's death here but he can't lose control over the thought of Catwoman on some other dick?

Speaking of Dick and some other dick.

Keeping with the theme of "Who the Fuck is on Which Side?", Owlman just came by to give Dick a quick hug and a message of reassurance that he isn't giving up on the two of them still working together. Then he disappears to, I don't know, go push Superwoman down the stairs or something?

And then this comic book takes a really shitty turn when Mazahs kills Bizarro. Way to go, Geoff Johns! How dare you kill the best, purest, most innocent person in The New 52?! Well, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to go write my own comic book right now and I'm going to kill Stargirl! See how you like it.

Hmm. I feel like I stepped over a line with that last comment. No, stepping over the line would have been saying that I was going to kill Stargirl in an airplane explosion. Which I would never say because that's fucked up man.

Lex Luthor comes up with a plan to turn Mazahs back into homeless Earth 3 Lex Luthor. At first you'd think he'd have to come up with one of those silly Mxyzptlk plans where he has to get him to shout his own name. But he doesn't have to since he conveniently found this futuristic lightning rod thing lying around and he has the exact same voice as Mazahs (because they're the same person except flipped left to right). So Lex Luthor speaks the word while holding onto Alexander Luthor's rod and Mazahs reverts into a homeless man. Luthor murders him and is then hit by a tree.

Ha ha!

Speaking of murder, which one of these Legion of Doom nutters is to blame for killing Superwoman's unborn baby? I think it's Black Adam because he brought down Superwoman with his magic lightning. So, you know, let's all try to remember that Black Adam is a baby killer.

I know it was unborn and there was still a chance Jesus could have killed it by causing a miscarriage but since Superwoman had every intention of carrying it to term, I think we can agree that Black Adam just committed infanticide. It might not be easy convicting him of anything but we can all certainly look at him harshly and judge him constantly.

Next thing you know, Child Murderer Black Adam and Sinestro (complicit in the murder of the child, actually) move the moon out from in front of the sun where it's been hanging perfectly this whole time and somehow blocking the light from the entire world. Comic books, right? Anyway, the sunlight fucks up Ultraman just as Batman pulls the Justice League out of Firestorm's ass.

Lex leaves Ultraman to snivel and whine about being a ninety pound weakling and then stomps off into the sunset (and right over Atomica. Squish!).

After that there's just a bunch of epilogue involving Luthor somehow doing brain surgery on Superman, and Catwoman once again embarrassing herself in the hopes that Batman might actually show a fucking emotion, and Dick Grayson going undercover for Batman on the "most dangerous" mission he's ever had to go on. And then, finally, the story gets back to the important bit that I was really fucking hoping it wouldn't have forgotten.

Ted is back! Oh man. I hope Luthor doesn't shoot him in the head before this is over!

But getting back to the bits of story that don't matter, Superwoman and her baby are still alive. That's a real shame. You don't know how much I wanted to continuously refer to Black Adam as a baby killer. Ultraman has been imprisoned although he's very weak because of the sun and because he ate all the kryptonite. I think the only kryptonite left is on the ring which Luthor stole from Batman. And Owlman is still on the loose. He'll probably turn up at The Wounded Duck some day.

Jesus Christ. It took the smartest man in the world to figure this out? New Earth must have the dumbest population in the multiverse.

I don't know. Bruce Wayne looks like he has bigger fish lips than Batman. I don't think that Batman was drawn by David Finch! He must have just copy and pasted it from some other artist.

But that isn't the big surprise ending! The really big surprise ending (which really isn't much of a surprise because even a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader like me that doesn't read solicits or any other sources of information on DC guess it already) is that the Cosmic Evil Mr. Smarty Pants that destroyed Earth 3 was not Darkseid at all!

Dun dun DUN!

The person speaking must be Pariah or Harbinger or maybe some other lackey trapped in the role of Anti-Monitor's Alfred Pennyworth. Desaad is Darkseid's Alfred Pennyworth!

Forever Evil #7 Rating: -4 Ranking. That's because Bizarro was killed and he was just like a puppy. Also it's because the heroes didn't do fucking shit except maybe a lot of ass fucking each other in Firestorm's Slash Fiction Matrix. New Earth really just had to wait around until the Crime Syndicate defeated themselves. They lost by committing too many unforced errors, if you want to think of it in Tennis terms. And who doesn't like to think of things in Tennis terms? Once again, comic books build up the enemy to such a huge extent that the resolution winds up being an anticlimactic letdown. I know the story was basically about Lex Luthor stepping up as a hero, so it's nice to see some change in him at the end in the way he deals with Ted Kord. But I don't care about Lex Luthor so I'm just ignoring the main theme of Forever Evil so I can harshly criticize it. It takes too much effort to say smart, nice, well-thought out things about stories! It's easier to just say, "Meh! It could have been better!" Although I would never say "meh" seriously. What do I look like? An complete asshole? Anyway, I'm sure somebody smarter than I am will write some in-depth analysis of the journey taken by Luthor in this series. All I have to say is he found love and then lost love in his child Bizarro. And he only realized how important that was when he saw Dick and Batman make-out after saving Dick's life. He learned some kind of lesson about the importance of family and failure and probably some other stuff or something. Like Batman's identity! He learned that too! Judging by the cover of Justice League #30, I think that will wind up being pretty important.

Justice League #29

Good thing both The Metal Men and the Justice League only have one female each on their team!

Someone posted some excerpts from Mii Conversations on Tumblr that showed guys complaining about Super Smash Brothers suddenly having too many female characters in it. Somebody posted that these guys were complaining after only five females were revealed for the next game while fifteen males had been revealed for the roster. Then somebody came along and posted that those numbers were interesting because studies show that when a group reaches 33% women, that's when men begin to think the women are the majority. I hate to have to point out that these men in their Mii Conversations were already flipping out when the percentage of women characters was at 25%. Word problems. They ams the hard.

I just posted that previous anecdote to show how much better I am than one random person on the internet. Fuck you, random person! You made a mistake! Ha ha!

If you ever really want to feel superior to the rest of the idiotic people living on this planet, you should follow Literally Unbelievable. This is why trolling on the internet has become such a fun pastime for assholes. People love to point out how much smarter they are than other people (take my previous two paragraphs as my experimental proof of this theory!), so if you post ridiculous satire and parody like The Onion does, you're going to get a literal shit ton of people exposing their stupidity by trying to expose the article writer's stupidity. Or something. Did that sound stupid? Fuck. I should erase it from the internet! The last thing I need on the internet is more proof that momma raised a moron.

The issue begins with Doc Magnus shitting all over two fine American cities!

Picher might be toxic, Doctor Magnus, but have you been to the Dairy Queen out by Route 29? Delicious!

The Metal Men are given their bodies back and immediately begin writing notes to slip to Cyborg asking him to save them from the abuse they've suffered at the hands (and sphincter) of Doc Magnus while they were just helpless little Ben Wa Balls. Except for Platinum and Tin who are too busy wondering if Cyborg's penis looks as fantastic as the rest of him.

Doc Magnus breathing a sigh of relief as he realizes The Metal Men don't remember anything that happened since they lost their bodies.

Seriously. Doc Magnus was seriously fucking worried they'd remember Happy Stuffed Up Colon Time.

I don't know what mistake Platinum is referring to! Did she already fuck Superman when she attended the Justice League tryouts?

I think a few more "mistakes" are about to be made.

Have The Metal Men always been sex crazed robotic fucking machines?

This issue is really proving my theory that Doc Magnus deactivated his Metal Men not because they wanted to exterminate mankind but because they wanted to fuck them all.

After all the flirting winds down, The Metal Men agree to help Cyborg defeat Grid. It's possible they think Cyborg is inviting them to fuck Grid. But either way, they'll probably accomplish the same goal and put Grid out of commission.

Cyborg hacks into Grid's system to wave his ass at him. Grid cannot resist that ass and leaves his place at the Crime Syndicate Command Center to fuck Cyborg's shit up.

The Metal Men need some work on their one liners as they enter the battle against Grid. They also need to modernize their pop culture references.

Is Geoff Johns eighty years old?!

Grid pulls Mercury's Responsometer out of him, sniffs it, and says, "Where the fuck has this thing been?" He also gets a bit jealous when he realizes these inferior, piece of crap robots have somehow accomplished the ability to feel, the one thing that alludes him. He'd pout if he could but he can't which causes him to wish he could pout even more. Instead, he summons The Fearsome Five, Doctor Psycho, and Hector Hammond to fight by his side. That's actually a pretty shitty group of villains to face off against The Metal Men.

Grid shoves his hose into Cyborg and they become linked in a digital universe where Victor has to learn to accept his robanity in order to truly defeat Grid.

Bwa ha ha ha ha! Holy shit. "I feel afraid." Seriously, Johns? Oh fuck. Oh fuck. I'm crying. I knew the Metal Men were going to be funny but who knew Grid would have the funniest line in the issue!

Grid is knocked offline and trapped in Cyborg's old body. Then Steve Trevor traipses up with Killer Frost and says, "Hey guys! I have a rope!" And then Volt appears and blasts the fuck out of Steve Trevor. That leaves Cyborg to head over to Forever Evil #7 alone to help save the Justice League while The Metal Men battle a new group of villains that I really can't be bothered to try and recognize.

I don't even know why they had to appear at the end. Just so Forever Evil #7 isn't overloaded with Metal Men and Steve Trevors and Killer Frosts?

Justice League #29 Rating: +1 Ranking. The Metal Men make more interesting leads than the actual Justice League. Can we just switch the name of this comic to Metal Men and kick out the fucking big named assholes?

A.R.G.U.S. #6

That's the weakest palindrome I've ever seen.

I think this is the only palindrome I've ever purposely come up with: "So? Got Togo's?" Although it's entirely possible that everything I've ever written up to this point in my life is one huge palindrome. Stop nerd snorting at me! I didn't say it was probable!

I'm only going on about palindromes because Superwoman is making me really uncomfortable on the cover of this comic book. She's looking me right in the eyes and daring me to masturbate to this BDSM sex orgy! But I have to decline. I only take part in BDSM&Ms orgies.

Meanwhile in the Green Room! But first, I should point out that I used meanwhile incorrectly here. But I had to segue out of that uncomfortable last paragraph somehow!

Isn't "beyond classified" where it's so classified that it comes back around to being public knowledge?

So ARGUS has been around for hundreds of years before super heroes began gracing every street corner, hunh? What did the name stand for in earlier incarnations? Agrarians Rapidly Growing Usable Soy? Anarchists Reeducating Government Uncle Sams? Asshole Redcoats Getting Upset Suddenly? Those aren't any worse than Advanced Research Group Uniting Superhumans! Which, seriously, should be ARGUSH.

The Green Man explains that ARGUS existed in the 1700s and was called the "Armed Revolutionaries Governing Under Secrecy." So a secret government manipulating the new continent from behind the scenes, hunh? And even though they were secret and couldn't tell anybody what ARGUS meant because it was a secret, they still added the "armed" in the name to threaten anybody who somehow discovered the secret! And by "anybody who somehow discovered the secret," I mean anybody in the pub on any night when any member had one too many and began bragging about how powerful he was.

Later in the 1800s, ARGUS became the "Anonymous Ranger Group of the United States." Then in the 1900s, they became the "Aeonian Recurring Guys Utilizing Secrecy." Unless they were called something different. Anyway, in the 1900s, they battled the Crimson Men who were a religious group trying to bring about the apocalypse because they were bored. But ARGUS felt that a world ending event posed a threat to the United States of America, so they fought back. Mr. Green explains that at the turn of the Millennium, The Crimson Men were routed. Hmm? What happened around that time? Oh yeah! The attack on the World Trade Centers! So that must have been The Crimson Men's hideout and the terrorist attack was a black ops mission by ARGUS! I knew there was something fishy about the the official record of that event! Now it makes so much more sense than some impotent assholes thinking that if they could fuck America in the ass, they'd score some heavenly poontang! That might sound fairly logical but you have to remember that this is a comic book and comic book logic demands the reverse of Occam's Razor. So in the comic book world of The New 52, the whole ARGUS being behind the destruction of the World Trade Centers is least plausible, therefore it's the most plausible.

Mr. Green goes on to say that ARGUS's next mission has become to stop the threat of superhumans. But since The Crime Syndicate has appeared and they're a bigger threat, ARGUS realizes that they have to actually do what their stupid fake name says: unite the superhumans. Or else it could be the end of the world and The Crison Men will win! And nobody likes to see the asshole win. So Lieutenant Candy is getting a promotion to be the Keeper of Secrets for ARGUS. But only if she can keep Steve Trevor alive. Although on that front, she may already be too late.

Oh Steve. Did Dr. Light touch you in a No-No place?

Steve Trevor is either dreaming it or he's, while unconscious, having a real visit with the witches as they steal his future potential. One of those. I guess it won't matter until September when Steve Trevor gets a Five Years in the Future book and the entire book is just blank pages. He wakes up inside an ice cube because cutting off all of his oxygen and sending him into hypothermia seemed like Killer Frost's only way to save him from Dr. Light. Seems reasonable in that Reverse Occam's Razor kind of way.

Now Steve, Dr. Light, and Killer Frost are the only people from last issue still conscious. It's a big brawl in Central Park as Light tries to kill Steve because The Crimson Men made a deal with him. And Steve tries to talk Dr. Light out of killing him because death probably sucks.

I bet Death of the Endless always gives a sly wink whenever anybody says, "Death sucks."

The worst part about the entire battle is having to hear the sophomoric banter between the combatants. In the real world, there would only be time for swearing and underpants soiling. So that makes this is a perfect comic book scene! I guess.

Aren't all of these light powers new for him?

I'm beginning to get the feeling that Steve Trevor isn't going to save anybody from any Slash Fiction Matrix this issue. I suppose he'll secure the Lasso so that he can use it in either Justice League of America or Justice League or Forever Evil. Since the whole crisis is coming to an end, I get the feeling that important things will be allowed to happen in the two Justice League titles. Or else Forever Evil #7 is going to be 72 pages long.

Using the Lasso of Truth on Doctor Light, Steve shows Arthur that he's actually dead and that he shouldn't be pretending to be alive. Doctor Light says, "Oh yeah. Hey. Weird." Then he FAKOOOMs out of the picture, leaving Frost and Trevor and a pile of unconscious animal people. They gather up their shit and head over to Forever Evil.

Meanwhile, the Green Man puts on his Crimson Men mask and leaves the Green Room to go next door to the Crimson Room. People everywhere drop their comic books in complete shock! But!? How?! What?!!? Not the good guy is revealed to be the bad guy at the very end twist? Crazy! So what is ARGUS's new name going to be? ARGUSASUGRA? Advanced Research Group Uniting Superheroes Against Superheroes United by the Group Researching Advancements?

ARGUS #6 Rating: -1 Ranking. I'll admit that this drop in ranking is mostly because I was disappointed by the ending of this mini-series that I was surprised to find I was enjoying. The reveal that the Crimson Men had taken over ARGUS? That's fine. I can live with that even if it is a bit of an old standard we've all danced to before. But the fight against Doctor Light didn't really seem needed and the repartee was below par. Also, it sucks that (and this isn't the fault of the creative team) Steve Trevor couldn't finish his mission and be the hero at the end of his own series. Everything he worked for has to take place over in Forever Evil. That's a huge let down. I need a cathartic release and this comic book didn't give it to me! What do I do now? I guess I'm going to have to go steal the neighbor kid's bike and ghost ride it in front of a bus.

Rogues Rebellion #6

Remember people! This is the ROGUES Rebellion and not the ROUGES Rebellion. The Rouges would be Captain Cold Cream, Make-up Trickster, Heatwave Hair Treatment, Weathered Face Wrinkle Remover Wizard, and The Mirror Master.

What I have learned from this cover is that the sun is still eclipsed and that Grodd is a bigger bad-ass than Amazo, The Fearsome Five, Parasite, and all of Firestorm's enemies combined. I suppose that makes sense since he is a super fast gorilla. Nothing can beat a super fast gorilla.

This issue begins with The Pied Piper talking with an unconscious Glider. He's supposed to remain out of the fight protecting her but he's currently working through an iron clad argument for why he should leave her unguarded so he can go battle along side his old friends, The Rogues. He's also reminiscing about how much he liked hanging out with The Rogues but felt he never really fit in.

I don't want to really judge or anything but maybe you didn't fit in very well with super villains is because playing a flute at somebody isn't the most threatening act.

The three Rogues that are currently left in this series (Weather Wizard, The Trickster, and Mirror Master) are holding their own against about a baker's dozen of super villains. Mostly that's because Weather Wizard has the ability to blast multiple people with lightning while blowing another half dozen down the street with hurricane force winds. But he's still just one guy and even one guy of the super villains isn't just one guy! That's because he's Multiplex and he finally forces Weather Wizard into the defensive position that brought each of us into the world and the one which we're most likely going out in (especially if we're being kicked to death by multiple versions of the same guy): the fetal position.

But The Pied Piper flutes into the battle to save the day by fluting! And looking kind of cool for a guy armed with a lousy flute.

Can you think of a less intimidating weapon? Perhaps a box of chocolates? Or a kitten? Or a three month old infant?

Luckily for The Rogues, the Crime Syndicate didn't quite think think through their plan of sending lots of super villains to kill The Rogues. The Super Villains feel just as comfortable beating on each other as beating on The Rogues. It's not like they got a message telling them what to do anyway. If any of these villains missed the memo that The Rogues had a price on their heads, they might just think they were suddenly teleported into town to destroy the lumpy pink idiot with the lamprey face. And if they don't jump to that conclusion (which seems like a fairly jumpable conclusion), Pied Piper can always Flute Control The Parasite so that he attacks the other villains.

But at the end of things, the numbers just can't be denied. Too few Rogues; too many non-Rogues. It's a simple algebraic equation, really. They're simply overwhelmed and beaten to death. Or would have been beaten to death if not for The Pied Piper's Flute poking Glider awake.

She saves them with her tassels.

Since Captain Cold isn't here to come up with a plan, the job falls to his little sister, Glider. Mirror Master creates a huge mirror that Weather Wizard blows all the bad guys into while The Glider makes them all intangible so that the wind won't blow them in as well. Then The Trickster gets to break the mirror. Maybe all the really bad guys are now involved in the Arkham War.

Afterwards, The Rogues stick around to be thanked because they never learned from The Jeezly Crow Batman that you're supposed to disappear immediately after saving the city.

After this there's some sappy ending about family and looking down their noses at bad guys that kill. Nobody likes a holier-than-thou judgmental criminal!

Rogues Rebellion #6 Rating: +4 Ranking. This has easily been the best part of Forever Evil. These guys easily head a successful monthly title. As long as Buccellato wrote it! Or maybe Garth Ennis! Although that would be a whole different kind of clusterfuck for these poor guys. The Trickster already lost an arm. Who knows how many more body parts he'd lose if Ennis were writing it.

Suicide Squad #29

OMAC's O-Face.

Last issue ended with Deadshot shooting himself for the third time since this series began. He may be the greatest member of the Suicide Squad to ever live! Or die! Or die three times while still living! Most of the members of the Suicide Squad die from violence at other people's hands. Nobody ever actually takes the name literally and commits suicide even once, let alone three times! But Deadshot shot himself to take out Harley; he shot himself to take out Regulus; and now he's shot himself one last time with a magic bullet to take out OMAC. At least this time, he was able to shoot Amanda Waller as well.

The difference is, of course, that magic bullet I mentioned. Apparently this bullet is an Ich Luge bullet! It breaks the surface of the skin, enough to cause a little blood, but no real damage. It also gives the victim enhanced strength, super agility, and big time smarts. According to Waller, this magic bullet will give Deadshot and Harley Quinn the edge over OMAC.

But Amanda is constantly lying, right? So I think she just wants Deadshot and Harley to believe they have a chance against OMAC so that, while they're getting ripped apart, Amanda and Kevin Kho can figure out how to shut OMAC down. That's the Amanda Waller Way!

OMAC currently stands for One-Machine Attack Construct instead of One Man Army Corps like it used to or Old Man Ass Crack like it never did.

If Deadshot and Harley don't succeed, and if Kevin Kho can't force the Thinker out of OMAC, Amanda has one last option: send OMAC through a super secret portal at the bottom of Belle Reve. Excuse me. A PORTHOLE at the bottom of Belle Reve. That's an odd bit of terminology to use. Portal seems more apt. Unless Belle Reve isn't a prison at all! It's a Space Station!

Amanda Waller calls this "porthole" the Toilet because it's used to remove waste from this universe to some other unknown universe. My guess is it leads to the Marvel Universe. I think it backed up at the beginning of The New 52, spilling Scott Lobdell, Howard Mackie, and Ann Nocenti all over the floor. Disgusting!

I love transparency even if my readers hate my love for it because it always causes me to talk about things other than the comic book I was reading. But I just thought I'd point out that I just took a six hour break from reading Suicide Squad so I could earn a living. I came home with a bag of Darkside Skittles: The Other Side of the Rainbow. Apparently they're Evil Skittles. As I've been eating them, I occasionally stop to whisper darkly, "Rape the rainbow." Your mind would probably go there too if you knew what the flavours were (okay, maybe not your mind. Sheesh. I guess you're better than I am)! Dark Berry. Forbidden Fruit. Midnight Lime. Blood Orange. It sounds like the beginning of an episode of CSI (even to somebody like me that's never seen an episode!). The only flavour I don't get is Pomegranate. I think the Pomegranate represents sex in The Book of A Thousand Nights and a Night. Anyway, now I'm out of Evil Candy and need to get back to reading my comic book.

Why is Power Girl so tiny? And Steel so huge?!

Notice the placement of Power Girl's Boob Window here? Apparently Jim Fern and R.B. Silva were using different reference pictures for Power Girl's costume. Fern has drawn a costume that will actually keep Power Girl's breasts inside the costume.

I hate to say this because I feel bad when I criticize an artist (why don't I feel bad criticizing a writer?) but Jim Fern's art is lousy. Wayne Faucher on inks isn't doing anything to liven it up either! And Brett Smith's coloring? Well, let me just say he's no University of Northern Colorado at Greeley Alum Gabe Eltaeb!

The writing on Suicide Squad has been lousy as well! Come on, Matt Kindt. Stop fucking sleep walking through your writing assignments! You really aren't fucking trying on this Forever Evil shit, are you?

Nice, Deadshot! You just had to bring up Gwar, didn't you? Now you've got all the little Bohabs crying again!

This might be some of the worst art I've seen in The New 52 for quite some time. It's worse than the art you'd get in a free mini-comic strapped to the back of a knock-off action figure or dug out of the bottom of a box of Trix. Maybe it's some kind of Modern Art that I don't understand!

Really, Harley? OMAC and Cheese?! I suppose the shitty one-liners fit with the shitty art.

You may have noticed I'm not really discussing the plot much. That's because it amounts to everybody getting shot with magic bullets as they try to lead OMAC into the toilet.

Power Girl and Steel arrive to help out because this fight needs somebody in it that can actually survive a punch from OMAC. Steel bang bangs his silver hammer down upon OMAC's head causing Kevin Kho to renew his foothold in OMAC's mind. I don't know what's happening with The Thinker. I guess he's the guy that's been using OMAC's mouth to utter dialogue worse than Harley's.

Everybody drops down to Waller's level and stand around The Toilet looking stupid and disengaged. Inside OMAC's mind, Kevin and The Thinker are apparently fighting but that would be too complicated to draw if you only had the artistic skills of Jim Fern to rely on.

Goddammit! I feel horrible saying that! Why do I have such a soft spot when it comes to lambasting artists?! I think I'm still sore from the time Marcus To called me out to the woodshed, pulled down my pants, and softly inserted his tongue. No wait. I'm conflating two different memories! That was my uncle. Marcus just pointed out that I was a raging asshole when I criticized one of his covers. He was right to point out I was an asshole. But I was right to point out his cover design sucked spectacularly sweaty balls.

While everybody is kind of waiting to see if Kevin Kho saves OMAC from having to be flushed down the toilet, King Shark shows up with a little prepared speech he tells suitors when they want more than he'd like to give them. "Gee, Blank, my name is King Shark. You killed my father. Prepare to die." King Shark tackles OMAC into the Toilet and flushes himself away. OMAC grabs a ledge though. I guess King Shark will be appearing in Moon Knight next month.

Kevin defeats The Thinker and takes care of OMAC but then Captain Boomerang takes care of Kevin by kicking OMAC into The Toilet. Now Amanda has to fish two fucking lunkheads out of it somehow. Also Amanda has another twist because she's always lying about everything and manipulating everybody! The Magic Bullets were really Nano-Bombs! Now everybody is a forced member of The Squad again! Stupid jerks! They deserve this job! Get fooled by Amanda Waller once, shame on you! Get fooled by Amanda Waller dozens of times, your name is probably Floyd Lawson.

Captain Boomerang is eating invisible ribs.

Suicide Squad #29 Rating: -2 Ranking. Boring story. Horrendous art. Pretty good title ("Flushed") for this piece of shit.

Justice League of America #13

Pool's closed! Everybody out of the Slash Fiction Matrix!

How long have they been deep, deep inside of Firestorm? Superman's hair went all long and sexy! Also, what is that pose he's doing? I think he either has a Chest Burster inside of him or he's so full of Green Lantern Jizz that he's about to shit himself.

I'm not a biologist so I don't know if that last sentence was scientifically accurate or not. Does eating loads and loads of hard-light tainted semen cause diarrhea? I don't know! You know how difficult it is to find that stuff?

I wonder if Gatorade would put out a Hard-Light Tainted Semen Flavor? They've got the right colors for it.

Stargirl has finally made it to Los Angeles where she's going to be able to hug her mother one last time before the world ends. She left Martian Manhunter to die in the mountains of Colorado where his body will probably be discovered by a hiker later in the spring and defiled. The Justice League of America have not made an appearance in about twelve issues so I'm not sure why this comic book is called Justice League of America. I don't even think they'll be saved this issue because isn't Steve Trevor going to accomplish that over in ARGUS? Or is he suddenly too busy dealing with Doctor Light?

The issue begins with Stargirl finally figuring out that what she thinks has been happening for the last feels like millions of issues has only been a mind-scam. Hey! That sounds like a great name for a movie! I'm going to write a script for Mind-Scam and then travel back to 1983 where it would sound like a great idea!

I invented the cereal Cthuloops long before somebody on the internet made them. Fred Meyer used to have a generic cereal brand with a monstrous octopus on the bag and I called that cereal Cthuloops. I probably should have bought a bag but I think they only came in 25 pound sacks.

You can tell Stargirl is still an amateur because she has to explain her burn on the next page. So we get what the fuck she's saying in that last panel because she was just thinking about Despero and she watched him kill J'onn last issue and the issue before that was when she first met him. So we get it! Despero! Despair-O's. But then the next page, she has to tell Despero, "Despair-O's" as if he (and we!) didn't already know what she was thinking! She needs to work on streamlining her one-liners (the key word there is "one." Oh, and also "line.").

Apparently Despero feeds on fear and he's supping on Stargirl right now. But she has a plan! Her plan is to read his mind and learn his coming of age story! And then she'll be all, "Oh yeah! You think you're going to defeat me by discovering masturbation in the tub! What you don't know is I can hear the rhythmic splashing from downstairs and I know what you're up to, you filthy boy!" And then Despero will be all, "NOOOOOOOOO!" and fall down on his knees in submission.

That's not cool. You can really give somebody a complex by judging their bodily behaviors.

Stargirl next compares this battle with Sudoku. No wonder I'm finding this comic book so fucking boring. Sudoku is bullshit, people. Stop wasting your time! It's not an intellectual exercise! It's barely a puzzle! It's mind numbing mind numbery using numbers and no mind! It's worse than Solitaire! No, you know what. It's worse than religion! Yes, I said it. I'd rather hang out with a Fundamentalist Mormon Scientologist with a PHD in The People of the Book before I hang out with someone who "loves to do" Sudoku. At least the religious people live interesting lives! When I ask "So what did you do today?", I don't want to hear, "I put a bunch of numbers in a grid by using a few starter numbers that would predetermine how I could figure out the only way the numbers could be placed so that no two appeared in the same district or same row. And even though the grid was started for me in a logical way, I still had to guess a lot and erased right through the page in a number of places which really made my spine creep out! You know how that is?" Then I wouldn't answer because I'd have already choked on my own fist.

If you're really into Sudoku, might I encourage you to try heroin? It's probably more stimulating and better for you. Don't be fooled into thinking Sudoku takes brains to do and is a thoughtful exercise! You're just being led about on a leash by the computer that mathematically created the Sudoku grid you're currently playing, placing just the right amount of numbers in the grid that will allow you to find the one or two or three places (depending on the difficulty) where you can get a foothold into the grid logically which will lead you to the next logical point and the next and the next. It's like doing a maze with invisible walls. You don't think you're being led down a certain path but you are. Sure, if you like easier Sudokus, you actually have more paths. But if you play the hardest difficulties, you generally have one path for a large portion of the game before it opens up into a field of possibilities. But by then, you're basically done and just need to thoughtlessly plug in numbers. Afterward, you feel a grand sense of self-satisfaction and contentment. The same feeling a dog has once he's returned home from a long walk and let off the leash.

The best thing--the absolute best thing--you can say about Sudoku is that it's a form of meditation which allows the player to shut out the chaos of the world around them, turning off their brain and placing themselves in a childlike reverie. Maybe that's why I hate Sudoku so much. I'm already constantly in that state of mind!

Forever Evil: The Sudoku

Don't bitch at me because I just drew one district of the grid! Don't use that as a way to say I don't understand the stupid waste of time! I just don't have time to waste drawing all nine grids! Sudoku jerks!

Now don't go getting your Sudoku loving feelings all butthurt! So what if I don't like the game and I irrationally judge anybody that plays it? I don't like most things and irrationally judge anybody that engages in most of those things! Even the things I like, I often wind up ranting against and hurting my own feelings! So welcome to the club, Sudokuns. Sudumbkins, more like!

Stargirl eventually out-Sudokus Despero and finds herself inside Firestorm's Slash Fiction Matrix where the dick-in-ass play has long since ceased. This is causing the Slash Fiction Matrix to meltdown and something needs to happen fast.

Well, the answer is you are going to have to do something and that something is something one of you isn't going to want to do, it's just that I can't remember which half of Firestorm was gay: Ronnie or Jason?

Stargirl convinces Ronnie and Jason to fuck in some clever way that would appeal to the greatest number of Slash Fiction Fans. I don't know what that would be because I don't even know how guys and girls participate in coitus so I'd really just be guessing at how guys and guys do it! Do they slap each other on the butts and say, "Did you see the game?" No wait. If that's gay sex then I've seen tons of it, right in public spaces! Maybe they pee in the same toilet bowl until each one gets an erection and is unable to pee. Then they touch wieners until their toes curl. I bet the butt is involved somehow too though!

Anyway, Stargirl keeps Firestorm from exploding and calls all the other heroes to join her because she's going to free them. But she doesn't know that Steve Trevor is actually going to free them later, so she imagines Batman and Catwoman are also still trapped with her. That's how everybody reading knows this is still all bullshit.

Stargirl begins to realize it as well so she decides to finish remembering the memory she kept forgetting to remember that she had forgotten she'd forgot long ago.

"But first, you need sponsors! Your brother's funeral--which, by the way, totally not your fault *wink*--is going to be expensive!"

Stargirl wakes up in the same place this entire thing began right before she thought she escaped. She's just been in a prison tailor-made for her by Despero just like all the other heroes. But she and Manhunter are now free and they need to find Wonder Woman to help them escape. But Despero planted some kind of subconscious thought in Manhunter so that might crop up and become a problem later. At least next issue, we should have the normal Justice League of America back.

Justice League of America #13 Rating: No change. This has been the best issue in a long time. But it still needs to get back to being its own book. Although how long will that last, really? Can the Justice League stay out of huge company-wide crossovers? Probably not.

Arkham War #6

Hey White Rabbit! Nobody liked your character! Stop making cameos in all these Forever Evil titles! The only reason you exist is because David Finch is a horrible artist that needed a nearly naked young woman to draw so that he could remain interested in doing art for Batman: The Dark Knight.

I'm still not done savaging David Finch's art! He draws men as if they've been working 80 hour weeks in a coal mine for twenty years. And in the same panel with the supposedly same lighting, he draws women of the same age as the beat-up looking men but makes them look shiny and smooth skinned and no older looking than fourteen years of age. He draws men with wide, gaping fish mouths while putting perfect, detailed touches to the underage women he loves to draw. I don't know what slander is so this next sentence is purely innocent of the law and not meant to harm anybody's reputation but here it goes anyway. David Finch has something seriously wrong with his penis. I know, I know. It's quite the claim to make after having simply read his horrible stories and looked at his awful art. But I think his penis might be cursed. He can only draw well when it's erect and straining to see over the waistband of his jockey shorts. So while he's drawing Batman, it just remains flaccid and still like a cat lounging in a nice spot of sunlight spilling through slightly opened drapes. But when he begins thinking about fourteen year old girls, his penis leaps to attention and strains to fuck the image he's producing. The magic leaps from the urethra, spraying magic drawing juice all over the page to produce images like this one:

So what if I photoshopped this image a bit! It doesn't change my argument! I mean, it might make my argument look weaker in the future court of law which I may be finding myself in. But look how much effort he put into this image of a great big bare ass and barely covered boobs! Also interesting: the bullets bouncing off the shield generated by White Rabbit's ass cheeks.

Actually, the photoshop work I put into the above picture merely changed the coloring back to what it probably was supposed to be. Look at the hem of the shorts. I didn't touch that. But the pink of the shorts extended further down her butt. I just took that out and returned her ass to the proper color. So I think my version of this picture is probably closer to David Finch's original idea for it. You know, before that traitorous colorist kowtowed to the damn editors.

This issue begins with Bane pulling Court of Owl knives out of his body and trying to heal his wounds with an arc welder while the Talons that he and William Cobb recently cut in two are busy healing themselves back together (hopefully all of their upper torsos were matched up with the proper sets of lower torsos). Bane thinks he has a moment to clear his head but he's in for a bit of a surprise when the Venomized Looney Tunes come crashing down on Blackgate to ruin his big victory.

Venom doesn't just make a person strong; it also makes them sound like complete assholes.

I think Peter J. Tomasi was completely sick of having to come up with emotionally draining dialogue between Batman and Alfred and Dick and Damian and decided, "Fuck this shit! I want to write a comic where I can make the characters shout nonsense! Why should Lobdell and Nocenti be the only writers getting away with murder?!"

But Tomasi, having some dignity, couldn't quite commit to completely inane bullshit, so he allows Black Mask to retain some semblance of intelligence when he speaks. Tomasi probably would have lost some sleep trying to cash a check earned with lines like "HEAD CHEESE!" and "OINK OINK OINK!" and "PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS!" and "TALON TASTY TREAT!" and "ROASTED PORK!"

Bane tries to quell the invasion but is a bit stymied when he sees the Arkhamites are all venomized. Will he have a sudden realization that if these idiots can suddenly become as strong as he is that he's nowhere close to being competition to The Batman? Batman's power is all natural. His will and his strength and his intelligence all come through rigorous training and discipline while Bane can only compete by taking a shortcut with a needle? No, of course not. Bane is a megalomaniac. He might see the Arkhamites as cheating because they're using his gimmick but he'd never see using Venom on himself as a bullshit tactic. He probably sees it as a weakness and flaw in Batman's character that Batman doesn't take up the syringe and make himself a better man. I think there's an applicable analogy in there somewhere in regards to capitalism and big corporations and asshole lawyers and dirty practices. Jesus would be able to ferret it out and create a nice parable. Although the disciples wouldn't understand because they were all idiots so he'd wind up just explaining it anyway.

Bane is kidnapped by Man-Bat and flown to Arkham where the other inmates meet up with him to teach him a lesson.

I don't think I want to hear the second since the first one is a delusional lie. Venom is absolutely all it takes to become like Bane! Unless he was talking about the luchador mask.

A big brawl commences where Bane talks a lot of shit. Probably because he has a right to since he defeats the entire lot of Arkhamites. But his victory doesn't last for long. It can't because this series is over in just a few pages! Unless it goes to issue seven unlike all the other Forever Evil offshoots. Plus The Penguin arrives to stamp some kind of an epilogue and maybe a moral of some kind on this war.

The Penguin doesn't have anything intelligent to say, so I expect this series is going for at least another issue. The Penguin just takes all of the defeated Arkham Inmates away in cells. All except The Scarecrow who is left to be used as an example by Bane. You know. He'll probably tie him up like a scarecrow to frighten away all of the little rebellious assholes that might try to steal a piece of Bane's cash crop of Gotham City.

I suppose this series needs to make it past the end of Forever Evil so Batman can finally turn his attention back to his home town and hiss, "Bane!" And Bane will scream "EEEEP!" and run back to Santa Prisca.

Arkham War #6 Rating: No change. Just a bunch of musclebound oafs knocking the crap out of each other. You could get the same entertainment by watching wrestling or going to a frat party, depending on how much homo-eroticism you're looking for. If you want a super ton lot of it, might I suggest the frat party?

Forever Evil #6

Finch's cover art is getting worse every issue.

This issue begins with Lex Luthor pointing out how much he hates always being right. It's such a burden when everybody expects perfection from you and your decisions. Although that can sometimes be tough (believe me, I know!) the best part of always being right is standing in front of Batman complaining about how hard it is to always be right.

Lex Luthor: "You know, Batman, always being right has really caused my face to develop an extra batch of scribbly inked lines. Although the top of my bald head is still shiny like a woman's face which is really weird seeing as how there is no light overhead due to the rain and the storm clouds and the celestial object blocking the sun's rays."
Batman: "Luthor, shut up."
Lex Luthor: "You know, Batman, have you been getting enough Vitamin D? Your fish mouth is really looking exaggerated and I hear a little sun can do wonders for your complexion and your facial distortions. I know you're not getting enough right now due to the eclipse I previously mentioned but once everything is back to normal, you might want to consider patrolling during the day for awhile."
Batman: "Luthor. SHUT. UP."
Lex Luthor: "Not that it will matter if we can't defeat The Crime Syndicate. I say 'we' because if I were working alone, I'd mop these guys up easy. But having to account for you and all the mistakes you make, well, I just can't be sure we're going to win this one. It might have been better if you'd disappeared with the rest of the League, you know? Just so you'd be out of my way."
Batman: "LEX! ENOUGH!"

And then Batman probably kills Lex because there aren't any good guys left to witness Batman's hypocrisy.

While Luthor and Pals (guest starring Batman) sneak up on The Crime Syndicate's base (which used to be The Justice League's base until it fell out of the sky and landed in a nice piece of beach front property), The Crime Syndicate discuss what they're going to do about the great big rip in the sky. They believe it's The Anti-Monitor come to destroy yet another world. The theory is that it's locked on to Power Ring's ring, so they need to destroy it before it finds another host. Although they might be a little bit late on that. I don't really have a guess as to who the biggest coward in the DC Universe is, so I don't know where the ring is headed.

For a second there, I really thought the Legion of Doom had arrived. But then I didn't see Toyman amongst the villains and realized it was just Sinestro's stupid ring.

Luthor and Pals (guest starring Batman) infiltrate The Crime Syndicate's Headquarters and discover Dick Grayson strapped into an apparatus called The Murder Machine. I don't know what it does but it doesn't sound comforting. But forget the machine! Lex Luthor is the smartest guy on Earth, so he must know Batman is Bruce Wayne at this point! Maybe Lex is too preoccupied by how fat his power armor makes him look. He looks worse than Batwing (David Zavimbe version).

Luthor and Pals (guest starring Batman (am I really going to keep typing that? (Yes. Yes I am))) don't just find Nightwing. They stumble upon The Outsider and The Prisoner as well.

Since Batman knowingly decided to team up with these guys, Batman is partially responsible for this murder!

Sinestro's ring points out that Firestorm lies below which seems at odds with what's going on over in Justice League of America where Firestorm is on a ship moving about the country. But then Justice League of America has just been one gigantic mind fuck, pumping and thrusting and coming all over the inside of Martian Manhunter's head. I don't know what's really going on over in that thing although the cover for the current issue shows super heroes flying all over the place and Firestorm finally ejaculating them out of his Slash Fiction Matrix. Anyway, I trust Sinestro's power ring more than I trust Matt Kindt and whatever the fuck is going on in JLA right now.

And then the Crime Syndicate smash through a wall and the brawl to end it all with a final curtain call makes me LOL. No it doesn't. I mean, it kind of does because it's David Finch's art and it makes me giggle because it is crap.

Black Manta and Captain Cold are about to find out who The Prisoner is. Black Adam and Ultraman fly off for a rematch. Deathstroke and Sinestro face off against Deathstorm and Superwoman. Johnny Quick and Atomica rush off to find other people to fight (probably Cold and Manta). Owlman slinks off to rescue Nightwing who is currently being rescued by Luthor, Bizarro, Catwoman, and Batman.

I give up trying to figure out how Doomsday fits into the Reboot Timeline.

Captain Cold removes the hood from The Prisoner and reveals that it's Terry Long, Troia's husband. Maybe. It could be Roy Harper. Or Dick Grayson. Or Arthur Curry. I know it's a man because there are lines all over his face, a clear David Finch indicator of gender. It's probably Lex Luthor though because he's got so much hair and he's opposite of New Earth's Lex Luthor who doesn't have any hair. Anywhere. Before The Prisoner can speak, Atomica and Johnny Quick appear to keep his secret for another issue. Or at least a few more pages.

The Murder Machine that Dick Grayson has been stuffed into is also a bomb. It will detonate unless Dick's heart is stopped so Lex Luthor decides it's time to kill Dick. Batman and Catwoman are opposed to this idea but what can they do? They agreed to be part of Luthor and Pals this issue. So I think Dick's going to have to die. Because it's not like Batman is going to stand up against Bizarro, right?

I said Batman and Bizarro! Although I guess this works too. Let me restate my introductory sentence for this panel: "It's not like Johnny Quick is going to stand up to Captain Cold!" Also, Batman has a kryptonite ring so if he kind of does go toe to toe against Bizarro, no problem.

Captain Cold must be a scientific genius if he could create a gun out of refrigerator parts that can drop the temperature of an object to Absolute Zero. Especially since he wouldn't have had access to anything but normal refrigerant gases. He must know magic because I can't buy into science on this one, even if Captain Cold is my boy. I am glad to see him fuck up the evil speedster though. I was hoping he'd get that chance.

And then The Prisoner finally reveals who he really is now that he's got his voice back: Captain Levram! He yells, "Mazahs!", and lightning transforms him into The Mighty Marvel! Er, Levram! He also decides to tell everyone his real name, Alexander Luthor, because why the fuck not? He's going to kill them all anyway!

Meanwhile Luthor has killed Dick Grayson so that the bomb doesn't go off. But as Batman tries to choke him to death, Luthor attempts to point out to Batman that he knows what he's doing. A little CPR and everything will be okay again. Geez, Batman, it's exactly the type of plan you should have come up with. Kill Dick, bomb disarmed, bring Dick back around. What a fucking Bat-idiot.

Forever Evil #6 Rating: Am I still rating this thing? It's still going on?! At least a couple members of The Crime Syndicate have already been killed. This series went one issue too long. After finishing this issue, I wanted it to finally be over. The characters have been weakly portrayed because they're busy serving the plot and filling needed roles. So Batman isn't quite acting like Batman and Lex Luthor isn't quite acting like Lex Luthor and Deathstroke certainly isn't acting like Deathstroke. I don't mind that kind of thing here and there but I guess after six months (plus The Trinity War's two or three months), I've had about enough of this.