Superboy #26

I remember a time when I would have been pleased to see Marv Wolfman's name on the cover of a comic book but after Trigon #1 where he rapes his way across all time and space, I have a bad feeling about this.

One issue with writing a blog like this is you get people responding to what they think are things that I said but are actually misinterpretations based on their reading my words as if I'm a fucking idiot. Not that I try to present myself as anything but a fucking idiot, so it's not really anybody's fault but my own. But I made a rule a long time ago while working on No Apologies! Press dot com around the turn of the century: do not get sucked into debates on the internet. Sometimes I allow myself a single response and then gather up all of my willpower and not respond to the inevitable response that follows. Because most conversations on the internet are mostly just two people willfully misunderstanding each other and then trying to clarify their position to the other person's willful misunderstanding while willfully misunderstanding the other person's clarification on the previous willful misunderstanding. If you understand. And besides, any time you try to clarify a point you made while rambling like a fuckhole, you only wind up sounding defensive and abrasive.

Not that I'm currently bristling with any indignation over rebeccamartin2's comments on my Constantine #9 commentary! They were mostly fair and completely understandably misunderstood since most of that commentary was the rambling, half-formed thoughts that had been in my head upon waking which I hurriedly tried to vomit forth into my blog. But as for the clarifications which I just can't restrain myself from expressing:

When I talked about an "institution full of douchebags," I did not mean DC Comics. Totally understandable how you would have thought that since it's a fair assessment of their public corporate policies regarding their treatment of characters and their seeming hatred for their fan-base. I just meant, you know, the general bad institutions that continue to make the social environment hostile to so many people. And, yes, technically I'm backing DC Comics although I think I'm providing a service to other comic book fans that is well worth the dollars I'm giving to them. Besides, I think there are some talented writers and authors that are doing some pretty good work at the company.

Yes, I like Brian Azzarello's Wonder Woman. If that version isn't Wonder Woman to you, so be it. That's fair enough. But telling me I'm crazy from disease simply because I'm enjoying a well-written story seems a bit harsh. I might expect that from Scott Lobdell, but from you, Rebecca? I'm hurt.

Lastly, I never suggested John Constantine could not be black and English. I merely wondered how many people would be up in arms if he were cast that way in a film. That one really was a willful misunderstanding, wasn't it? You just don't like me, is that it?! Well, now I'm going to be in a hurt mood while reading Superboy and take it out on Marv Wolfman!

I can't wait!

Wait a second? Who is this? Is this Superboy? Is he a living weapon created by N.O.W.H.E.R.E.? I'm confused.

Something is mindspeaking to him and calling him Jon, so that at least clarifies that this is Jon-el and not Kon-el who is lost in time and dead and stuff. So you can see how I really shouldn't have been confused at all! But the next page kind of is confusing! No hyperbole this time!

Oh Marv. You really have gone around the bend, haven't you? Just be glad I didn't scan the lower half of this picture!

Jon-el receives some psychic message about how he was previously killing super heroes but his genes were killing him and the psychic voice is the only one that can keep him alive. But first, Jon-el must kill all the monsters! All of them! I think by "monsters," the psychic voice means "Teen Titans." Jon-el becomes violent and wakes up choking Wonder Girl. That's where things had left off in Teen Titans when everybody heard Wonder Girl scream and Tim Drake said, "Oh, just ignore that."

Jon-el is confused for a second but the psychic voice (which I'm going to begin calling The Green Voice) tells Jon-el to read Cassie's mind so that he can get his bearings.

Whew! There it is! I've become so conditioned to that specific Narration Box that I was beginning to go through withdrawals.

Jon-el taps into Cassie's memory of Legion Lost #16 which is hardly firm continuity since so much time travel happens around that moment and the plot seems to suggest that Harvest is not Tim Drake. Hell, the plot of that comic book suggests Harvest is some guy named Captain Adym from the Echo Police who may or may not be a shard of the actual Captain Atom who exploded in the Speed Force or the Time Stream or something! I think Harvest should just slink right out of The New 52 Universe because he's giving me a headache.

Jon-el realizes that the Teen Titans think he's Kon-el and that he can use it against them to destroy them! And then he thinks, "Starting now!" and begins fighting Wonder Girl. What a fucking idiot! You don't come to a realization like that and then jizz in your pants immediately! You use that information to create a well-structured plan of attack!

Oh no. E.C.H.O.! That means Harvest is probably on board in his human guise and he's probably responsible for sending Kid Flash back to the past! Possibly to ensure that Tim Drake gets bitten by that vampire!

For some reason, Cassie and Jon-el have lost their eyeballs. That either means that they're being controlled by The Green Voice or they've become vampires. I wouldn't put any money on which it is because it really could go either way.

I think the other option is that the colorist was just being fucking lazy.

When Jon-el realizes he's currently too hurt and weak to stand a chance against Cassie (at least that's what he tells himself. I think she could take him even if he were at full strength), he pretends to be Kon-el and acts as if his memory has just returned. He also thinks, "It would be best to first heal, then plan and then take all the Titans down." Yeah. Just like I said, you pants-jizzer.

Jon-el passes out from genetic failure only to be awakened by the rest of the Titans in ECHO's medical lab.

I really hope The Green Voice isn't Trigon. I imagine it must be Harvest of 2933 that Lobdell wrote about in Superboy #19: Colonel Harvest! He's the one whose kid, Venn, was killed by super heroes (Kid Flash, maybe?!) so he decided to infect himself with a Chronal Virus that made him go back in time to kidnap Superman and Lois Lane's baby, Joke-el (damn, I forgot that's what I was calling Jon-el! Joke-el!), and raise him as his own. So The Green Voice must be Colonel Harvest! Although why he would somehow know so much about Jon-el and the Teen Titans doesn't make sense. I guess since he's in the future, he gets to know anything he wants about the past.

Jon-el decides to get out of bed so that he can destroy all the medical information the ECHO doctors now have on him.

Why would this guy travel all the way to Phobos to hunt? That's in our solar system and this isn't our solar system. Although I have no idea where it is. It'll probably wind up being retconned into our solar system!

Jon-el kills a doctor that has super powers and feeds off her meta-human life force. He also remembers things Harvest taught him because he was raised by Harvest in the past but in the future of DC's Now continuity. Anything associated with Harvest is pretty crappy, so I'm not really looking forward to following the adventures of Joke-el.

Jon-el accesses Kon's database and learns that he helps to form the Legion of Super-heroes. The Green Voice responds to this as if they're going to have a good time now. Maybe The Green Voice is Saturn Girl, twisted from the changes in the timeline due to Kon-el's death? Whatever the case, The Green Voice isn't revealed this issue which is lame because I don't know if I can care about it too much longer.

Superboy #26 Rating: -1 Ranking. I hated any comic book that Harvest was in and now I have to deal with Harvest's son he kidnapped from Superman and Lois? Ugh. Oh yeah! Also, Jon-el might not be simply Lois's son! While looking at his medical records, he realizes his DNA from his father is Superman but his genetic material from his mother is from a number of female meta-humans. So his parental situation is just like Freddy Krueger's! Except, you know, the opposite!

Action Comics #22

Yay! Pure Scott Lobdell goodness!

I haven't said anything about the time I met Gail Simone and her husband at the Portland city comic con. I felt that, maybe, I should not say anything so that other comic book writers and artists will speak to me without worry of me blabbing their secrets all over the internet. But I've had a few glasses of sake and it's not like Gail Simone said anything negative about Scott Lobdell anyway. It was her husband! Sort of. Maybe.

Now I feel like a real journalist! I'm going to print my "experience" of events instead of well documented quotes!

So, I approached Gail Simone and her husband and said, "Hello, Gail! I'm the person who writes Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. Would you sign my book?" And Gail looked at me as if I just hypnotized her and shined the bat signal in her face. Perhaps she just didn't know who I was. At that time, maybe it was simply her husband who had followed me and said, "Your reviews are mean and hilarious." But then her husband stepped up and said, "Your commentaries are really funny. And true!" I knew exactly what he meant! He was telling me with that statement that everybody associated with DC thinks that Scott Lobdell sucks! I'm pretty sure that's what he meant. I'm not sure how I could interpret it any other way. Especially when he said, "And the people you write about are Gail's friends!" See? Scott Lobdell is Gail's friend! I think I totally cracked the code! What he was saying was that Scott Lobdell sucked! And what Gail was saying with her eyes and deer-in-the-headlights look was, "Hey, hubby, shut the fuck up before you get me in trouble already!"

A friend of mine met Gail and her husband at the Denver Comic Con event where people were able to meet the artists. He said that Gail's husband asked them what ice cream flavor they would be. I think what he meant by that was, "Scott Lobdell is a horrible writer, isn't he?" And I'm a professional journalist, so my interpretation of the events is probably fairly accurate.

Boy, I hope if I ever meet Gail Simone again, she'll still talk with me. I wish I had prepared better for meeting Gail and Scott Lobdell. But since I'm not used to meeting the artists, I just asked them to sign my Big Book of DC New 52 #1s. Afterward, I thought I really should have asked Scott Lobdell which of The New 52 comics was his favorite. I also should have asked him if he knew how to write a decent story.

Hey look! It's the same old "My name is Superboy" splash page beginning! Can't this respected comic book author begin a comic book in any other way?

Speaking of Scott Lobdell being a respected writer, listen to how this excerpt sounds from Marvel Comics: The Untold Story by Sean Howe:

But within a few months, Byrne, like Claremont, was faced with impossible turnaround times, forced to dialogue from last-minute faxes of Lee and Portacio's artwork [on X-Men]. The pages were arriving piecemeal, three at a time, and every time another fax came through, the plot would take an unexpected turn, so that Byrne would have to rewrite the previous pages.

He found his breaking point when Harras called and asked him to script an entire issue overnight. Byrne refused. "Something's gotta be done about this," he told Harras. "This is insane."

"We'll take care of it," Harras assured him, then hung up the phone and hurried over to Nicieza's office. "John's not scripting this issue," Harras said. "Can you do it for me?"

"When do you need it by?"

"Tomorrow."

"There's no way."

At that very moment, Scott Lobdell, a struggling stand-up comic who was always hustling for freelance writing gigs, walked by Nicieza's office door. Nicieza, smiling, pointed his finger, and Harras looked up.

Harras hung his head and let out a resigned sigh.

Lobdell finished the issue overnight. Two weeks later, Byrne heard from a friend who'd seen Lobdell at a party. Lobdell had been given the regular X-Men writing assignment. "Years later," Byrne said, "I was told you should always be careful when Bob says, 'We'll take care of it.'"

Does that story paint Lobdell in a good light? Holy fuck no! Nobody seems to have wanted him writing! But the fucker can make a deadline, so he got the job. And he's had a job writing comic books for twenty years because he can make a deadline. Well fuck! I can make a deadline too if my stories don't make any fucking sense and ignore the characters' histories and motivations! I can tell an artist, "Orion comes to Earth and fights Superman. Meanwhile, Diana Prince goes to a get-together at Lois Lane's house. Draw that shit!" And then after the artist draws it, I can just add whatever dialogue pops into my head! Lobdell got the job because he scripted an entire comic book in one night. Fucking I believe it. ALL of his scripts read like they were written in one night.

Back to the story, while Hector Hammond goes for his Space Sit on some mission for H.I.V.E., a creature named Straith from the Pax Galactica arrives to declare he comes in peace. What is it with Scott Lobdell and his love of aliens with Roman heritage? Get the fuck over it already, Lobdell. Your scripts are worse than Gene Roddenberry's "allegory" stories from the first generation Star Trek series. Holy shit, Roddenberry was an awful writer!

Straith says, "Needless to say, I come in peace." Is that really a needless thing to say? Seems to me like it's a very important part of the greeting! Especially when you appear out of no air (I can't say 'thin air' since he appears in space, right?) wielding a fiery weapon and a righteous ponytail!

Firstly, I'm pretty sure nobody is saying "moron" in this guy's language on his home planet. Secondly, why is Hector Hammond thinking this at his men AND at the alien? Shouldn't this be a private communication? Thirdly, oh fuck no! The Hector Hammond story is going to be continued for three more issues of Superman?!

Since the alien comes in peace, the first thing he does is try to destroy H.I.V.E.'s space ship. That seems appropriate. Whenever I move to a new neighborhood, I bring cookies to the neighbors and say, "Nice to meet you, neighbor! I hope we can live in peace!" And then I smash the cookies in my neighbor's face and shit in their garden and shoot B.B. guns at their pets. And everybody smiles and nods and says, "That must all be okay since he said he wants to live in peace! What a fantastic guy!"

This might be why Scott Lobdell was able to dialogue an entire comic in one night. Because he gets the first few pages and scripts it as if the alien was friendly. Then the next few art pages come in and show the friendly alien smashing everything to bits. So Lobdell doesn't change anything. He just continues to dialogue it as if it makes sense. "I come in peace! Which is why I must peacefully destroy your weapon of war!"

And take a look at the hilarity present in the following panel. It's truly hard to believe that Scott Lobdell was a struggling stand-up comic.

Ha ha! Look at Hector Hammond act brave but then not be brave! It is funny because it is hypocritical! And because he has a big head!

Meanwhile Clark Kent is out on the town with Cat Grant trying to get some entertainment story on some great director's final film. I thought Clark wasn't going for this stupid website idea? Why would Clark want to work on a blog with a crappy name? Clarkcatropolis.com? It's no Eee!TessAteChaiTea, that's for sure! Here's what doomkopf.com had to say about my blog name: "best blog name ever, btw."

Cat Grant is trying to get an interview with some nobody who is apparently a somebody but the somenobody's agent doesn't want a blogger getting an interview, so she pulls her client away. That's when Clark uses his super powers to advance his and Cat's career by melting the iPads of all the reporters in the room with his Super Vision! This fucker is unethical and dangerous! But that's not the worst part of Scott Lobdell's script! Oh no! DC once again allows Scott Lobdell to invent a "NEW THING" for the DC Universe! Idiots.

I do like that Lobdell uses Superman's sense of smell. I'm always wondering why that doesn't come up more often!

Hey look! There's a new compound in town! INFINITIUM! I'm really fucking surprised it's not OMNITIUM! What could it be? Is it tougher than Inertron? Is it more awesomer than Adamantium?! Is it capable of slicing easily through diamonds with the gentlest of pressures?! I don't know! Let's find out what Lobdell's amazing imagination has in store for us!

Somehow Superman knows that the only Infinitium in this dimension is inside his Fortress of Solitude. Really, Superman? How the fuck do you know that? Have you been everywhere? No? You haven't? Then why make that kind of statement? Oh, because you're being written by Scott Lobdell? Okay, that's understandable.

Superman scans the actor, Harlan Quint, with his non-cancer causing X-ray vision. Or his very lightly radioactive X-ray vision. He notices that Harlan Quint is a fucking robot! But not only is he a robot, he's a robot from both the past and the future! I guess that means he's powered by Infinitium but he's programmed by punch cards.

And then Superman gets a distress call from Hector Hammond. Did they become best friends? I guess we won't know until we've read Superman #22-24! Fuck you, DC! Stop doing that! You know I don't own a time machine! Or, at the very least, you should probably suspect that I don't! Anyway, it seems Superman knows as much as I know! Only Hector Hammond has been through Superman Issues #22-24 already. Superman seems to have even less knowledge than I have after Superman #21, since I know how Hector escaped S.T.A.R. Labs and Superman doesn't.

Stop pouting, Superman, and just help him. Or at least get him back to S.T.A.R. labs! Are you just going to let him claim to be a threat and get away with it?!

Superman goes to investigate Straith who is sitting on the moon fiddling with something. No, not that! This isn't a Teen Plus Rated comic book! When Superman draws near, Straith elbows him in the chin and says, "Do you have an Earth word for 'shut up'?" Um, yeah, dumb dumb! It's shut up!

Of course Straith's blow knocks Superman off the moon and across space. Because Lobdell doesn't really know how to present a challenge to Superman. He just brings in another creature that is really strong and they punch each other in the face a lot. Even when Hector Hammond was supposed to be causing trouble with his mental abilities, it really just came down to Orion and Superman slapping each other.

Speaking of Lobdell's earlier Superman plots, where is Lana Lang, Superman's Mind Zombie?

Oh look! Another threat to the entire Omniverse! I don't think Lobdell is capable of thinking of any other plot device.

Superman claims he has never heard of Pax Galactica. Well that's odd. He knows about every piece of Infinitium in this dimension! That must mean that Pax Galactica are from another dimension. But then why would Straith give a fuck about saving this universe? Because this universe is not a part of his universe if he's from another dimension. That's just the way Stephen Hawking says it works!

Some green female alien named Lourdes stops Superman and Straith from battling each other because they need to be prepared to battle Lexus. You see, Lexus is yet another threat to the universe like none seen before! I bet you the fuck out of everything (whatever that means! If only there were an Earth word for "shut up", I'd tell you that right now!) that Lexus ends up being even dumber than Oracle!

Next, the back-up story about Lara and Jor-el on Krypton continues to suck all over the final eight pages. First, it uses a period in the first Narration Box when it should have used a colon. So that really ruined my mood. Get the fucking punctuation right, DC! Do you need me to send you some colons? Because I will! I'll fill your office with colons of every size and shape! You won't know what hit you, DC! Could this be considered terrorism? Threatening to send colons to DC's offices? I hope so! Fuck you DC and Homeland Security! You're both taking away my freedoms!

I just...I can't even...I have no words. I hate the back-up story. I loathe it! Krypton's military hates knowledge. The leader, The ERADICATOR, wants to make people stupid and run their lives and then destroy them and then...well, I don't know what then. Sit in a corner by himself masturbating to the amount of power he had? I'm truly stupider for having read that crap.

Action Comics Rating: -5 Rankings. Come on, Scott Lobdell! I truly, truly believe in you! I think you can write a decent comic book but you just don't fucking care. You want to be a writer and you want the check. But you don't seem to give a shit about the art! Prove to us that you have it in you! PLEASE! Spend some time crafting a fucking story! Take a few months and give up on "the Marvel Way." Write the script, the page layouts, the dialogue! Form the fucking story before hand. Don't worry about whether you're surprised by the story or not. Worry about surprising (and pleasing!) the readers! Fuck me, Lobdell. I know you have it in you. I know it! Please try. Just fucking try. Don't you long to do something like V for Vendetta! Where's your passion to produce something as revolutionary as The Dark Knight Returns? Be meaningful, you fucking asshole! Please! I'm just so fucking tired of your hackneyed bullshit. I'm willing to fucking believe in you. I know I'm just a shitheel internet nerd. But prove me wrong, you glorious bastard! PROVE ME FUCKING WRONG!

Action Comics #21

Why does Superman need a belt?

Last issue, Dr. Veritas was proving how smart she was. Why does DC allow Scott Lobdell to create anything that's going to become canon? The whole New 52 is going to become tainted by Scott Lobdell's stupid creations. He actually made Dr. Veritas an OMNIOLOGIST! Seriously, he needed to create somebody that was obviously super smart and could invent anything she needs, so he made her a scientist of everything! And he named her Doctor Truth! Not only that, at one point he mentions that she has even invented things that she doesn't understand! Oh, fuck you, Scott Lobdell. Explain to me what that means! If you can explain to me how she does that and in what way the invention manifests, I'll buy you a beer and give you a hand job the next time you're in Portland. Does she just put some machine together and turn it on and go, "Oh look! It's making biscuits! I have no idea how it works!" Or does she create a machine which does something that she can't explain and points at it when people enter the room and go, "I made that." Meanwhile nobody knows what the fuck the machine is doing.

I know I don't know Scott Lobdell personally. I'm sure he's a fantastic guy to have a drink with and talk super heroes with. I met him one time and I didn't tell him that I spend my free time telling strangers on the internet how much he sucks. But when the funniest thing he's written all year was when he signed my Big Book of New 52 #1s, I can't help but look down on him as a writer.

Gail Simone had signed my book first. Then Lobdell signed and added the rest. I admit I showed this to Gail Simone's husband hoping to start a fist fight.

Scott Lobdell's name isn't even on the cover of this comic book and I'm bitching about him! I have a serious psychological problem. I've even had two beers and am working on a box of cookies so that I can cope with the back-up story in this comic book.

Last issue ended with the Poop Octopus formed by virus-infected citizens of Metropolis pulling Superman into the sewers of Metropolis. Luckily (according to DC Comics Presents #8) Metropolis has manhole access to the sewers every six feet. But Lois and Jimmy don't need manhole access because they're just jumping right into the hole created by the Poop Octopus. Forget danger! Lois Lane is going to get this fucking story even if it kills Jimmy Olsen!

Three pages in and Tony S. Daniel has yet to draw a two page spread! He's really showing restraint!

Anyway (I'm so clever with my segues!), Superman remembers that Dr. Smartyjunk said the Hybrid needs oxygen to survive. Is this creature called The Hybrid for a reason? Is this Andy Diggle's critique on the Hybrid Car market? What's he saying? It's a fad that's turning everybody into zombies but it's going to end up killing everybody? And the only way to stop it is to have an Übermensch save everybody and set them on the right track to using cars that guzzle fossil fuels? Or maybe Diggle isn't saying people should go back to gasoline powered cars but that Hybrid cars are more of a temporary stop-gap than a solution and that, in fact, they're more dangerous in that they seem to offer a solution while they're really just ruining the environment in a different way and slower. So while they may be better, they're not where we should stop and it's dangerous to present them as the solution? Is that what he's trying to say? Am I following the story correctly?

Once Superman submerges the Poop Octopus beneath the waters in the sewers of Metropolis, it begins to transform back into the citizens from which it was composed. Superman leaves the citizens to drown while he goes to save Lois whom he hears screaming for help.

Fact: Metropolis has the deepest sewers in the world.

Superman believes that Lois is a hallucination because he hallucinated Jimmy Olsen in Issue #19. That was a really stupid moment that was probably forced on the writers by editorial. I think I know why Scott Lobdell likes writing comic books! Especially New 52 comic books at DC! Because the editors simply tell the writers what to write and then the writer either writes what they're told or walks off the book! I don't know if this is the real Lois or not. She's cute enough to be the real Lois. So thumbs up to Tony S. Daniel for drawing a Lois I can be attracted to. Although he probably could have made her far less attractive and I still would have been attracted to her if she simply showed some interest in me.

Dr. Smartyjunk appears as a hologram right in Superman's face to help him defeat The Hybrid. Superman isn't smart enough to deal with this science junk so he needs the second smartest person on Earth Prime to help him (Doctor Smartyjunk! Sheesh. Pay attention!). Lex Luthor is the smartest person on Earth Prime. Mister Terrific was the third smartest but he's not on Earth Prime anymore, so I think now Bruce Wayne is the third smartest person on Earth Prime. The fourth smartest person on Earth Prime is The Chief (the Doom Patrol guy!). The fifth smartest person on Earth is Emperor Blackgate, Ogilvy, because he's smart enough to not be too smart which makes him really super smart for some reason. I'm not sure where to put Harvest because he doesn't really count being that he's not on any census records.

And then Lex Luthor appears as Tony S. Daniel blows his load all over my eager face!

Oh! Oh! The double page spread goodness! Mmmm! Mmmm!

Lex and Superman battle in the sewers for awhile while the Poop Octopus's victims change back into normal people and run for the surface. Once again, Metropolis is lucky to have all of those manholes. Lois stays back to film the fight between Lex and Superman on her phone. I'm not sure why she's been dragging Jimmy Olsen around with her if he doesn't have a fucking camera! Why the hell is the reporter getting the footage on a shitty phone? Come on, Jimmy! Get with it! Stop being a misogynistic slacking dickface! Pull your weight!

Lex can't help but pull the super villain routine and inform Superman that he created the virus. That's pretty stupid considering his whole plan revolves around people believing that Superman is the cause of the virus. For being the smartest person in the DCnU, he's very bald. Also, he's not as smart as he thinks if he thinks exposing his plans to the enemy is the way to win through in the end. Lois captures the confession on her phone but then she drops it in the shitty sewer water. That's why Jimmy should be taking video! He's more experienced at holding firmly on to things with one hand!

That was a masturbation joke. I felt I should explain it for my more naive readers.

Superman has been exposed to Dr. Smartyjunk's red sun light long enough that he can no longer fly on his own. I'm pretty sure that means he's lost the majority of his powers. What he does next is steal Luthor's rocket pack so that he can fly out of Earth's gravity and directly into the sun. I guess not being able to shoot lasers out of his eyes or fly on his own has no bearing on whether or not he still retains his invulnerability because he seems okay escaping Earth's gravity without any protection. Of course, he was probably powered up just enough by the quick contact with sunlight after escaping the sewers. What's really unbelievable is that Lex Luthor's rocket pack has enough power to break out of Earth's gravity! And not only that, the rocket pack gets Superman to the sun in record time. Every school kid knows it takes light eight minutes to go from the sun to the Earth. Let's say Luthor's rocket pack allows travel at a quarter of the speed of light (I feel generous!). That means that it takes Superman 32 minutes to get to the sun. Unless I did the math wrong. It's very possible I did the math wrong. Anyway, Superman is probably gone for at least 40 minutes if I assume Superman can return to Earth at the speed of light!

Allowing just enough time for that fat ass Lex Luthor to crawl from the sewers.

Superman knocks out Lex so Lex can be arrested and then flies away so he can't be arrested. Why would Superman be arrested? I guess because he punched Lex Luthor. Why would Lex Luthor be arrested? I guess because he's wearing weird armor. The Metropolis Police are dumb dumbs. I guess since they couldn't find the Poop Octopus, they had to arrest somebody. Although Lois does end up with proof that Lex was behind it all after Clark Kent turns up with her phone. I guess Clark enjoys digging through sewers.

The back-up story is not by Scott Lobdell but it continues the story he began on Krypton. That means I drank beer and ate cookies for no reason except the sheer satisfaction of doing so! I don't know why it isn't by Scott Lobdell. Did DC finally realize he writes as well as a bucket full of turds? I mean an anthropomorphic bucket of turds, of course.

I'm so not interested in the back-up story. Superman's mother Lara goes AWOL when the military decides that Krypton should be a military superpower rather than a world dedicated to science. I don't know why this makes sense. Who are the military going to battle? Isn't the planet unified? It's not like Kryptonians can leave Krypton to conquer other planets. I just don't fucking get it. I guess the military just want to rule for the sake of ruling because fuck science?

Meanwhile near the sunken ruins of the Kryptonian Atlantis (a place called Xan), Jor-El is being arrested underwater. Because he's all about science and science is for fucking Communists!

And because the back-up story was stupid and two pages short, I get to pay extra for two pages of badly edited adverts for upcoming books! Yay DC! You're the bestest!

The the the the the the what?!

Action Comics #21 Rating: -4 Ranking. I fucking hate where this comic book is headed. I guess DC didn't have enough bad Superman comic books. Fuck me, I hope Superman Unchained is worth reading.

Action Comics #20

Is Superman going to give birth to this thing from his altered DNA? If so, out of what orifice?!

Last issue, Lex Luthor came up with a plan so smart that it didn't make any sense to me. That's how I know Lex Luthor is a super genius! Because I can't understand anything he fucking does! He injected some DNA rewriting virus into Superman via a kryptonite-tipped hypodermic needle bullet! This virus began changing Superman into a Lizard Man. Now, that might be a fairly decent Polymorph result if you were a low level fighter. But if you're Superman who has like 100 Hit Dice, turning into a Lizard Man is the pits. And not the cherry pits either! More like the fiery pits of Apokolips.

The comic book continues to remind the reader that all of the action within it happened one year ago because, in the present day, Lex Luthor is "imprisoned" in a vacation home Superman "tricked" him into building for himself. That was Scott Lobdell's story and it makes Superman look really naive and stupid. Superman believes he challenged Luthor's arrogance and had Lex Luthor design a prison that even Lex Luthor himself could not escape from. And then Superman put him in it. But Lex Luthor is the smartest person on Earth Prime! So Lex would not be fooled by this stupid plan and would thus have built a prison that was more a nice, safe place to scheme which he could get out of at any time. And as we've seen in Supergirl, he's doing just that without his physical body even leaving the nice comfortable safe climate of his free, government funded safehouse. Superman just ends up looking like a real idiot having fallen for this nonsense.

We begin with a lesson:

Capitalism in three easy panels. If somebody is better than you at something within the confines of the generally accepted laws and mores of the current cultural paradigm, cheat. It's called "thinking outside of the box" rather than "breaking the law" or "oppressing the less powerful" or "manipulating the masses" or "creating perpetual poverty" or "changing and creating law to bolster your business and actions while making it harder for competition to eat away at your profits".

Superman wakes up in The Block, Dr. Veritas's laboratory in the center of the Earth. Remember, she's an Omniologist! She recovered Superman's unconscious body after he was put down by his Virus. He's worried that she might see his embarrassing lizard hand but she assures him that his "super-immune system" threw off the virus. Or infection. Or whatever. And by "threw off", I suppose she means "gave birth to it out of his pee hole."

Superman and Dr. Veritas enjoy a bit of post-viral conversation.

Why so shocked, Supes? Is the penis not so super?

So Superman could feel the rage and hate of his hand? I imagine my hand would have some pretty harsh words to say to me after all the sexual abuse it's suffered. But what I particularly like about this conversation is how the inanity of Scott Lobdell's creation of Dr. Truth, the Everything Scientist living in the middle of the Earth, is continued in the panel that explains how she met Superman! It's more of that "just make up a crazy phrase to build history" that Lobdell himself just loves the every fucking love out of. "The Stream of Eternal Maelstroms"! I can't wait to never, ever hear about that again! No, seriously, please tell that story! I just have a feeling it won't ever come up again.

In a closed lab, Dr. Veritas has kept Superman's hand. Because of Superman's "super-immune system," it crawled off of his body and died. I guess Superman just grew a new hand. Or this was just the skin that kind of sloughed off.

We interrupt this commentary to say I just watched a chicken lay an egg. Now back to the commentary.

Dr. Veritas is hoping that Superman can use his super powers to examine the hand since it has super cells just like Superman. Science!

This is what happens when you science things! Fucking science is dangerous! Mythology and superstition for the win!

The hand quickly grows into a gigantic monstrosity with huge, sharp teeth. This is a far more effective warning against masturbation than hairy palms and blindness. Dr. Veritas teleports it and Superman into a chamber that mimics the light of a red sun. This takes away Superman's power as well as the creature's power. When the creature seems nice and weak, Superman has Dr. Veritas cut the lights and then Superman uses the last of his Yellow Sun reserves to turn the creature to ice with his Cold Breath and then shatter it with his fists. I think Superman needs to spend some time on a beach vacation now.

Dr. Veritas teleports what's left of the Hybrid Virus into a galaxy with a red sun because she obviously has technology that can do anything no matter how stupid it sounds. And then they hear that people in Metropolis have also begun to turn into Lizard People because Earthlings have no immunity to Viruses created by Lex Luthor. And apparently the Virus's battle against Superman's super-immune system caused it to evolve super rapidly and instantly go from needing to be injected to harm the victim to airborne in minutes!

Superman arrives in Metropolis to save the day! And by "save the day," I mean he drops all of the infected people into the sewers. But the infected people have a super surprise for him!

Ha ha! The people in the sewers have become one big poop octopus!

And then Lex Luthor's plan which is a plan Lex Luthor really loves and should probably give up on already is that he's going to come swooping down out of the sky in his green and purple Lex Luthor Battle Armor and save Metropolis from Superman! The only part of the plan I'm unsure of is how he convinces everybody that the virus was Superman's fault. I guess he just speaks some lies to the press and the press does what the press does: spreads the lies as truth instead of doing their own investigation. The media is the worst. Natural Born Killers nailed it.

The back-up story involves Jor-el on Krypton discovering the Atlantis of Krypton, a place called Xan. Within the waters surrounding Xan, Jor-el and his team discover the bubble transforming creatures called Teklons. They're kind of the Sleestak of the Kryptonian Ocean depths. And they're supposed to have been extinct.

Jor-el misses some big science meeting where his soon to be wife Lara is hanging out with other people that aren't Kryptonian but have made a pact with them to protect the science council. Wait. Lara isn't Kryptonian? When did this happen? Oh wait. I get it! Scott Lobdell is writing this back-up story. That's all the explanation I need.

During the meeting, Lara's captain kills somebody or something and yells, "For Krypton!" Oh, I get it! Lara is just mentioning that they "swear allegiance to Krypton" in the military sense! I think as soon as I see Scott Lobdell's name in print, I lose 120 IQ points. Leaving me with, you know, -34.

I guess the Science National Guard has decided they need to save Krypton from Kryptonians for Kryptonians. Or something. Anyway, death and mayhem and betrayal and treason equal excitementations!

Action Comics #20 Rating: -2 Ranking. I'm not excited to read more about the Atlantis of Krypton or the bubble creatures or the Betrayal at Science Council Hall. I also dislike the Hybrid creature and Lex Luthor's tired plot of trying to prove to the people that they need to be saved from Superman. I hope Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen have their oxygen tanks because this comic is about to sink like a fucking stone.