Forever Evil #7

After the last few covers were absolutely horribl, I think DC told Finch to take as long as he needed to make sure this one at least looked decent.

Do I even care what was going on in this story? I said last commentary that Forever Evil went one issue too long. I was more right than I knew at the time seeing as how this last issue has taken two months to come out. I'll be glad to get it behind me so I can turn all of my concentration to DC's next huge fumble, Futures End.

One of the things I've hated about this story is that many of the characters are completely out of character. I haven't read a whole lot of Geoff Johns' writing but I've noticed in Forever Evil that he just kind of puts characters into the situations that he needs them to be in to get to the next point in his plot. So Batman is now choking the life out of Lex Luthor because he asphyxiated Dick to disarm the bomb attached to Dick's heart. But Batman, even at the worst moments, doesn't fucking lose control like this when somebody he loves is in trouble. Dick was just asphyxiated which means there's a good chance of bringing him around with CPR. But instead Batman wastes time trying to kill Luthor.

Although, when I think about it, killing Luthor probably isn't really a waste of time. It's actually time put to pretty good use. But at this moment, it's wasting time that could be best spent helping little Dicky.

This is the overly complex procedure which Luthor took to kill Dick Grayson. And then revive him!

I just asked Lord Google about reviving somebody from asphyxiation and the single page I quickly skimmed (research!) seemed to agree with my belief that Batman should have been trying CPR on Dick instead of reverse CPR on Lex. Although it also said the heart keeps beating after respiration stops. I guess that's why Lex had to give Dick that pill! See? It all makes stupid sense. Except that part where Batman forgot to try to bring Dick back.

When Dick shows signs of life, Batman hugs him in a way that leaves Lex knowing exactly who Batman and Nightwing are: lovers.

Cyborg returns with Grid whose hard drive crashed. He's the only one that knows the Justice League is downstairs trapped inside Firestorm's Slash Fiction Matrix. I don't where the Metal Men have gone. They're probably off fucking gumball machines and ATMs. The good guys head off to save the Justice League while Lex, Bizarro, and Catwoman are left to defeat the Crime Syndicate. At least there are only four members left and they'll probably have help from Mazahs.

Or maybe not. Hell, maybe the Crime Syndicate will simply eat themselves.

Apparently Geoff Johns has decided that all of the Crime Syndicate are villains with many strengths and powers. But Superwoman's main power is fucking those other men and telling them they got her pregnant.

Remember how this comic book began with Ted Kord's father getting killed? Let's get back to that stuff about Ted Kord being a part of The New 52 already! The rest of this series has just been filler leading to that!

As Lex and Bizarro meet up with the rest of the Legion of Doom, Catwoman heads down with the good jerks to help out with Firestorm. Maybe she'll be able to help because she's a thief. She can just casually bump into Firestorm and lift Superman right out of the Slash Fiction Matrix.

One more down and the people New Earth haven't had to lift a finger.

To save the Justice League from Firestorm, J'onn telephathically tells Batman he must use Diana's lasso because he has a connection to Wonder Woman. This causes Catwoman to get all jealous because why else are women in comic books, right? Apparently this is Geoff Johns' way of planting the seeds for a Wonder Woman Loves Batman comic book. Hinting at this ridiculous love triangle just seems idiotic to me. Batman doesn't love Wonder Woman. Batman doesn't even love Catwoman! Batman is in love with Gotham City!

I still wish that Judd Winick had set up the Catwoman/Batman relationship with Catwoman having all the power. I hate seeing her constantly throwing herself at him while he remains emotionally distant. I'd much rather have a Catwoman that loves fucking Batman but couldn't give a shit about a relationship and a Batman that stalks her and pines after her continuously. Why can't we have that story? Why does Batman lose control over the thought of Dick's death here but he can't lose control over the thought of Catwoman on some other dick?

Speaking of Dick and some other dick.

Keeping with the theme of "Who the Fuck is on Which Side?", Owlman just came by to give Dick a quick hug and a message of reassurance that he isn't giving up on the two of them still working together. Then he disappears to, I don't know, go push Superwoman down the stairs or something?

And then this comic book takes a really shitty turn when Mazahs kills Bizarro. Way to go, Geoff Johns! How dare you kill the best, purest, most innocent person in The New 52?! Well, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to go write my own comic book right now and I'm going to kill Stargirl! See how you like it.

Hmm. I feel like I stepped over a line with that last comment. No, stepping over the line would have been saying that I was going to kill Stargirl in an airplane explosion. Which I would never say because that's fucked up man.

Lex Luthor comes up with a plan to turn Mazahs back into homeless Earth 3 Lex Luthor. At first you'd think he'd have to come up with one of those silly Mxyzptlk plans where he has to get him to shout his own name. But he doesn't have to since he conveniently found this futuristic lightning rod thing lying around and he has the exact same voice as Mazahs (because they're the same person except flipped left to right). So Lex Luthor speaks the word while holding onto Alexander Luthor's rod and Mazahs reverts into a homeless man. Luthor murders him and is then hit by a tree.

Ha ha!

Speaking of murder, which one of these Legion of Doom nutters is to blame for killing Superwoman's unborn baby? I think it's Black Adam because he brought down Superwoman with his magic lightning. So, you know, let's all try to remember that Black Adam is a baby killer.

I know it was unborn and there was still a chance Jesus could have killed it by causing a miscarriage but since Superwoman had every intention of carrying it to term, I think we can agree that Black Adam just committed infanticide. It might not be easy convicting him of anything but we can all certainly look at him harshly and judge him constantly.

Next thing you know, Child Murderer Black Adam and Sinestro (complicit in the murder of the child, actually) move the moon out from in front of the sun where it's been hanging perfectly this whole time and somehow blocking the light from the entire world. Comic books, right? Anyway, the sunlight fucks up Ultraman just as Batman pulls the Justice League out of Firestorm's ass.

Lex leaves Ultraman to snivel and whine about being a ninety pound weakling and then stomps off into the sunset (and right over Atomica. Squish!).

After that there's just a bunch of epilogue involving Luthor somehow doing brain surgery on Superman, and Catwoman once again embarrassing herself in the hopes that Batman might actually show a fucking emotion, and Dick Grayson going undercover for Batman on the "most dangerous" mission he's ever had to go on. And then, finally, the story gets back to the important bit that I was really fucking hoping it wouldn't have forgotten.

Ted is back! Oh man. I hope Luthor doesn't shoot him in the head before this is over!

But getting back to the bits of story that don't matter, Superwoman and her baby are still alive. That's a real shame. You don't know how much I wanted to continuously refer to Black Adam as a baby killer. Ultraman has been imprisoned although he's very weak because of the sun and because he ate all the kryptonite. I think the only kryptonite left is on the ring which Luthor stole from Batman. And Owlman is still on the loose. He'll probably turn up at The Wounded Duck some day.

Jesus Christ. It took the smartest man in the world to figure this out? New Earth must have the dumbest population in the multiverse.

I don't know. Bruce Wayne looks like he has bigger fish lips than Batman. I don't think that Batman was drawn by David Finch! He must have just copy and pasted it from some other artist.

But that isn't the big surprise ending! The really big surprise ending (which really isn't much of a surprise because even a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader like me that doesn't read solicits or any other sources of information on DC guess it already) is that the Cosmic Evil Mr. Smarty Pants that destroyed Earth 3 was not Darkseid at all!

Dun dun DUN!

The person speaking must be Pariah or Harbinger or maybe some other lackey trapped in the role of Anti-Monitor's Alfred Pennyworth. Desaad is Darkseid's Alfred Pennyworth!

Forever Evil #7 Rating: -4 Ranking. That's because Bizarro was killed and he was just like a puppy. Also it's because the heroes didn't do fucking shit except maybe a lot of ass fucking each other in Firestorm's Slash Fiction Matrix. New Earth really just had to wait around until the Crime Syndicate defeated themselves. They lost by committing too many unforced errors, if you want to think of it in Tennis terms. And who doesn't like to think of things in Tennis terms? Once again, comic books build up the enemy to such a huge extent that the resolution winds up being an anticlimactic letdown. I know the story was basically about Lex Luthor stepping up as a hero, so it's nice to see some change in him at the end in the way he deals with Ted Kord. But I don't care about Lex Luthor so I'm just ignoring the main theme of Forever Evil so I can harshly criticize it. It takes too much effort to say smart, nice, well-thought out things about stories! It's easier to just say, "Meh! It could have been better!" Although I would never say "meh" seriously. What do I look like? An complete asshole? Anyway, I'm sure somebody smarter than I am will write some in-depth analysis of the journey taken by Luthor in this series. All I have to say is he found love and then lost love in his child Bizarro. And he only realized how important that was when he saw Dick and Batman make-out after saving Dick's life. He learned some kind of lesson about the importance of family and failure and probably some other stuff or something. Like Batman's identity! He learned that too! Judging by the cover of Justice League #30, I think that will wind up being pretty important.

Forever Evil #6

Finch's cover art is getting worse every issue.

This issue begins with Lex Luthor pointing out how much he hates always being right. It's such a burden when everybody expects perfection from you and your decisions. Although that can sometimes be tough (believe me, I know!) the best part of always being right is standing in front of Batman complaining about how hard it is to always be right.

Lex Luthor: "You know, Batman, always being right has really caused my face to develop an extra batch of scribbly inked lines. Although the top of my bald head is still shiny like a woman's face which is really weird seeing as how there is no light overhead due to the rain and the storm clouds and the celestial object blocking the sun's rays."
Batman: "Luthor, shut up."
Lex Luthor: "You know, Batman, have you been getting enough Vitamin D? Your fish mouth is really looking exaggerated and I hear a little sun can do wonders for your complexion and your facial distortions. I know you're not getting enough right now due to the eclipse I previously mentioned but once everything is back to normal, you might want to consider patrolling during the day for awhile."
Batman: "Luthor. SHUT. UP."
Lex Luthor: "Not that it will matter if we can't defeat The Crime Syndicate. I say 'we' because if I were working alone, I'd mop these guys up easy. But having to account for you and all the mistakes you make, well, I just can't be sure we're going to win this one. It might have been better if you'd disappeared with the rest of the League, you know? Just so you'd be out of my way."
Batman: "LEX! ENOUGH!"

And then Batman probably kills Lex because there aren't any good guys left to witness Batman's hypocrisy.

While Luthor and Pals (guest starring Batman) sneak up on The Crime Syndicate's base (which used to be The Justice League's base until it fell out of the sky and landed in a nice piece of beach front property), The Crime Syndicate discuss what they're going to do about the great big rip in the sky. They believe it's The Anti-Monitor come to destroy yet another world. The theory is that it's locked on to Power Ring's ring, so they need to destroy it before it finds another host. Although they might be a little bit late on that. I don't really have a guess as to who the biggest coward in the DC Universe is, so I don't know where the ring is headed.

For a second there, I really thought the Legion of Doom had arrived. But then I didn't see Toyman amongst the villains and realized it was just Sinestro's stupid ring.

Luthor and Pals (guest starring Batman) infiltrate The Crime Syndicate's Headquarters and discover Dick Grayson strapped into an apparatus called The Murder Machine. I don't know what it does but it doesn't sound comforting. But forget the machine! Lex Luthor is the smartest guy on Earth, so he must know Batman is Bruce Wayne at this point! Maybe Lex is too preoccupied by how fat his power armor makes him look. He looks worse than Batwing (David Zavimbe version).

Luthor and Pals (guest starring Batman (am I really going to keep typing that? (Yes. Yes I am))) don't just find Nightwing. They stumble upon The Outsider and The Prisoner as well.

Since Batman knowingly decided to team up with these guys, Batman is partially responsible for this murder!

Sinestro's ring points out that Firestorm lies below which seems at odds with what's going on over in Justice League of America where Firestorm is on a ship moving about the country. But then Justice League of America has just been one gigantic mind fuck, pumping and thrusting and coming all over the inside of Martian Manhunter's head. I don't know what's really going on over in that thing although the cover for the current issue shows super heroes flying all over the place and Firestorm finally ejaculating them out of his Slash Fiction Matrix. Anyway, I trust Sinestro's power ring more than I trust Matt Kindt and whatever the fuck is going on in JLA right now.

And then the Crime Syndicate smash through a wall and the brawl to end it all with a final curtain call makes me LOL. No it doesn't. I mean, it kind of does because it's David Finch's art and it makes me giggle because it is crap.

Black Manta and Captain Cold are about to find out who The Prisoner is. Black Adam and Ultraman fly off for a rematch. Deathstroke and Sinestro face off against Deathstorm and Superwoman. Johnny Quick and Atomica rush off to find other people to fight (probably Cold and Manta). Owlman slinks off to rescue Nightwing who is currently being rescued by Luthor, Bizarro, Catwoman, and Batman.

I give up trying to figure out how Doomsday fits into the Reboot Timeline.

Captain Cold removes the hood from The Prisoner and reveals that it's Terry Long, Troia's husband. Maybe. It could be Roy Harper. Or Dick Grayson. Or Arthur Curry. I know it's a man because there are lines all over his face, a clear David Finch indicator of gender. It's probably Lex Luthor though because he's got so much hair and he's opposite of New Earth's Lex Luthor who doesn't have any hair. Anywhere. Before The Prisoner can speak, Atomica and Johnny Quick appear to keep his secret for another issue. Or at least a few more pages.

The Murder Machine that Dick Grayson has been stuffed into is also a bomb. It will detonate unless Dick's heart is stopped so Lex Luthor decides it's time to kill Dick. Batman and Catwoman are opposed to this idea but what can they do? They agreed to be part of Luthor and Pals this issue. So I think Dick's going to have to die. Because it's not like Batman is going to stand up against Bizarro, right?

I said Batman and Bizarro! Although I guess this works too. Let me restate my introductory sentence for this panel: "It's not like Johnny Quick is going to stand up to Captain Cold!" Also, Batman has a kryptonite ring so if he kind of does go toe to toe against Bizarro, no problem.

Captain Cold must be a scientific genius if he could create a gun out of refrigerator parts that can drop the temperature of an object to Absolute Zero. Especially since he wouldn't have had access to anything but normal refrigerant gases. He must know magic because I can't buy into science on this one, even if Captain Cold is my boy. I am glad to see him fuck up the evil speedster though. I was hoping he'd get that chance.

And then The Prisoner finally reveals who he really is now that he's got his voice back: Captain Levram! He yells, "Mazahs!", and lightning transforms him into The Mighty Marvel! Er, Levram! He also decides to tell everyone his real name, Alexander Luthor, because why the fuck not? He's going to kill them all anyway!

Meanwhile Luthor has killed Dick Grayson so that the bomb doesn't go off. But as Batman tries to choke him to death, Luthor attempts to point out to Batman that he knows what he's doing. A little CPR and everything will be okay again. Geez, Batman, it's exactly the type of plan you should have come up with. Kill Dick, bomb disarmed, bring Dick back around. What a fucking Bat-idiot.

Forever Evil #6 Rating: Am I still rating this thing? It's still going on?! At least a couple members of The Crime Syndicate have already been killed. This series went one issue too long. After finishing this issue, I wanted it to finally be over. The characters have been weakly portrayed because they're busy serving the plot and filling needed roles. So Batman isn't quite acting like Batman and Lex Luthor isn't quite acting like Lex Luthor and Deathstroke certainly isn't acting like Deathstroke. I don't mind that kind of thing here and there but I guess after six months (plus The Trinity War's two or three months), I've had about enough of this.

Kittens Getting Fucked Nasty #12

If DC isn't going to take this comic seriously, why neither am I!

The Justice League of America has now spent half of its issues with most of them lost somewhere and Stargirl running about in some kind of fake environment with Martian Manhunter. So this is where I'd usually continue with the what happened last issue segment but I don't care what happened last issue. I don't care what happened two issues ago. I don't care what has happened at any point of time during this comic book's run. I think. It's hard to remember when you obliterate every day with a steady dose of PCP.

Let's just pretend this comic book is a one shot and move on with our lives.

The issue begins with Stargirl remembering a memory she can't forget but one she's been refusing to completely remember for quite a number of issues now. I mean, if this story hadn't just started in this single issue one shot! Apparently some shit went down that was so shitty that she thinks she's too young to not want to remember it. You know, just like all those kids drafted to fight in Vietnam. But at least Stargirl had a choice to put on the uniform and fight. She had a choice which fight to fight as well! And now she's choosing to fight some more because she's tired of Amanda Waller just using her for press conferences. I'm pretty sure I inferred that from the story so far.

She's been making fun of an awful lot of people so far. In previous Star Girl appearances (probably also One Shots!), she's cracked wise about Clayface's appearance and Martian Manhunter's too! What a sassy little missy!

Stargirl escapes drowning because she remembers the memory she's trying been trying to forget that she wants to not forget to remember. It has something to do with finding something at her old house after meeting her first super villain.

Meow? Me-OW! Mrrrrrow? Pffft! Pffft! Me...ow? Puuuuurrrrrrr. Puuurrrrrrr! Me-me-me-MEOW!

Stop it! Knock it off! Get out of here, you stupid kittens! Nobody is fucking kittens in this commentary! That title was a joke! It was just showing how little I care about...you know what? No. I'm not explaining it to a bunch of imaginary, horny kittens! I have to mention how Despero flew off because he was satisfied that he had killed J'onn and Stargirl but then he came right back to stomp on J'onn again!

Martian Manhunter finally begins to realize that he and Stargirl are being manipulated by Despero. They probably escaped Firestorm and then had to be contained in some other illusory world, so Despero was brought in as a contractor for the Crime Syndicate. Or maybe The Crime Syndicate needs some information that Stargirl and Martian Manhunter have, so they were kept separate from Firestorm's Slash Fiction Matrix? But just knowing that he's being manipulated like a kitten, it doesn't help him beat Despero. I think he needs for Stargirl to forget about not remembering the thing she forgot so that she remembers to forget to not remember it.

How do you break the bone of a guy that can take the shape of anything? Like possibly the shape of a guy with no broken bones maybe?

Stargirl arrives to find J'onn smashed on the ground, dying. But he's dying slowly enough to tell Stargirl a fable about a Martian hero that sacrificed his life for no reason to save the lives of other Martians. Because he was pinned to a rock by an evil beast but the beast was pinned too. So he left it to die with him stuck to the rock. Although, being a Martian, I'm pretty sure he could have shapeshifted away from the tusks that had impaled him to the rock. Maybe they impaled his shapeshifting gland! There are too many holes in that story to be true! I think it's like the story of Jesus. It's just meant to make people buy into an institution that keeps the power and wealth in a few limited, manipulative hands.

J'onn sends Stargirl away so that he can die without her weeping and wailing over him. She heads to Los Angeles to find Firestorm as J'onn was hoping because he's probably beginning to realize that they're both inside some kind of simulation. Or something. It's either a simulation or it's a terrible story. Just like J'onn's stupid Martian parable about the warrior kid and the great evil beast.

Stargirl finally remembers the end of her memory and that's that her little brother was killed or kidnapped by the dark super villain that was her first nemesis. Maybe it was her little brother? Or maybe it was Sylvester Pemberton? It's hard to say since her memory isn't very clearly explicated. It's just kind of a mom saying "Your little brother" and her step-dad saying "It isn't your fault" and Courtney saying "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" But that makes as much sense as Courtney failing to stop Firestorm going nuclear while she distracts Despero for some reason leading to Evil being defeated. Perhaps it's because Stargirl believed she could save the day which caused Despero to believe she could save the day which distracted Despero's mind away from Martian Manhunter who is only pretending to die so that Despero will think he's dead and not stop Martian Manhunter from stopping Firestorm from exploding.

Unless it winds up being something else. I'm a Master Comic Book Reader of the North Wind and I'm confused!

Justice League of America #12 Rating: -2 Ranking. I don't really know what's going on here. I suppose I could be reading it as literally as it is presenting itself and believe Stargirl and J'onn actually did escape the Firestorm prison. Or maybe only Stargirl escaped and J'onn has merely been telepathically linked to her. Perhaps Despero was needed to keep Martian Manhunter trapped inside Firestorm. But now that Stargirl has distracted Despero, he will be able to free himself and the others from Firestorm. So Stargirl's journey is real but Martain Manhunter has been in her head the entire time. That's the most sense I can make of this comic book and that actually doesn't sound quite so bad as I've been making it out to be. But I'm still going to give it a -2 Ranking because this comic has probably been the weakest of all the Forever Evil tie-ins so far. It just feels like it's biding its time until the overall Narrative gets to a point where the JLA are needed to participate.

Justice League #26

I hope we get Power Ring's origin story this issue! I want to see the Moth Monk Volthoom!

I've just been singing, to the tune of "Brand New Key," "I've got a great big bag of candy, you've got a bag of poo."

It looks like this issue takes place immediately after Forever Evil #4 when Sinestro decided to crash the party. You can't see Batman and Catwoman here but they're around someplace. Unless Batman got what he needed and has already Mother Boxed the fuck out of here.

Instead of getting Power Ring's origin, we get a brief synopsis of Grid's origin. It's just as boring as you'd expect an origin about a robot would be. He was like a spark or something and then he wanted to be a real boy and then he learned he wasn't and never could be and now he's angry. The end!

It turns out Grid has been downloading files about the Crime Syndicate via the mobile servers in Owlman's outfit. He's already learned about Ultraman and Owlman's origins (the last two issues!) and now he hopes to learn more about another being! Oh boy! I hope it's Power Ring! Please let it be Power Ring. He's got to be on the cover for some reason, right? And he's the most connected to feelings!

At first I thought the "sktch sktch sktch" sound effects were Jordan masturbating.

Yay! Power Ring! And it looks like he's being tapped to bomb the shit out of Nanda Parbat for Boston Brand. Which means he'll probably crash there and be taken in by the Moth Monk Volthoom who will trick him into wearing the cursed ring in retaliation for bombing Volthoom's country. Or maybe some other things might happen differently. Or something.

Yep, yep. It's the "or something." Harold Jordan has been spying on Ferris and selling their secrets. He's about to get his ass kicked by Carol's dad when the Ring chooses him because he's the easiest being on the planet to control and the biggest sucker to boot.

Um, no. I think I'll pass. Thanks for the opportunity though, melty alien dude!

Jordan can't resist the ring for long and allows it to graft itself to his finger. Then it insists that he charge it which consists of opening a pocket dimension with a Lovecraftian beast that fucks Jordan's arm until the ring is fully charged. The creature is probably what moths actually look like but we can only see a limited amount of them due to our being stuck in the third dimension. That's probably why moths look, to us, as if they're fluttering around chaotically. We can only see a small aspect of them. If we could see in the number of dimensions that moths exist within, their movement would make sense and we would become gibbering sacks of tears and moans, covered in our newly released fecal matter. Fucking moths.

Grid decides that story didn't give him a chubby, so he moves on to learn the origin of Johnny Quick and Atomica.

Even on Earth 3, all interactions with Speedsters result in speed-related puns! Except they're not called "puns" on Earth 3. They're called "witticisms."

Atomica saves Johnny from these rogue cops by smashing a truck into the police van. I bet Johnny will kill and then urinate on them. And while he's urinating on them, he'll be struck by lightning resulting in Speed Force Powers! Or maybe some other things might happen differently. Or something.

Once again, it's the "or something." The struck by lightning part is still the same but no urination. And it happens atop STAR Labs so they both get different powers due to being affected by different STAR Labs experiments. But they still love each other and Grid somehow begins to believe that love is important and that maybe he can learn it. No, no. Grid, it's not important at all. It's really just a time sink! You won't be able to work on any of your World Destroying Projects once you get in a relationship. And you can't be completely honest anymore! You have to hide the horrible, awful, disgusting person you really are or else the person you love will throw up and leave you!

The next to last Crime Syndicate member Grid needs to learn about is Professor Martin Stein, Deathstorm.

So Stein was working for The Hostage, was he? I still think it's Lex Luthor since he's trying to save the world.

Stein eventually merges himself with a corpse because that somehow seemed like a good idea. So that's where the "death" part of his name comes from. But why the "storm" part? Because he rains down death upon the living?

Superwoman's files were deleted so we don't get to learn how Lois Lane became Superwoman. My guess (and you've seen how good my guesses have been so far!) is that she gained her powers by a steady diet of Kryptonian Semen. That's probably right on. No need to find those lost files, Grid!

Meanwhile, somebody says "Soon." to The Hostage and he smiles through his sack. And over in STAR Labs, Silas Stone has somehow performed a second miracle in his short life! Although it's the same miracle where he saved his son from certain death. But I think the second miracle took better than the first one because his son seems far more optimistic this time.

I wonder if Cyborg will request a horse penis since his father has to totally rebuild him anyway.

Justice League #26 Rating: +3 Ranking. That's one ranking for every origin. Johnny Quick and Atomica's origin counts as one! And I didn't count Grid's because he's a robot and I'm against all forms of Artificial Intelligence. If God had wanted robots to think, he would have given them that ability when he created the world. Also, he would have created robots.

Forever Evil #4

I understand that there are people that like David Finch's art. Those people are wrong. So very, very wrong. In an objective sense!

Judging by this cover, Batman and Lex Luthor are going to wind up in a horrible teleportation accident. Or maybe they take the night off to go clubbing? And at some point during the night, Lex Luthor becomes a dwarf. Then while they're dancing at the club, Batman slips on a banana peel and accidentally slides into Lex Luthor's fist, causing his tongue to unravel and slide out of his mouth. Meanwhile Ultraman watches them from a distance while the other Crime Syndicate members stare off in random directions.

I'm also not sure why two question marks were used when pointing out that Lex Luthor and Batman might be humanity's last hope. Is that the proper punctuation for stating something not in the least surprising that would cause a person to consider briefly and then completely agree with.

Less Informed Scared Citizen: "Who will save us?!"
Slightly More Informed Scared Citizen: "Batman and Lex Luthor??"
Now Slightly More Informed and Not Quite as Scared Citizen: "Hmm. Oh yeah. I can see that. I like our chances!"

Also, Lex Luthor's armor makes him look fatter than Batwing in his armor.

Here David Finch displays his method for differentiating men and women: men get lots of lines on their faces; women get shiny clear skin.

Obviously Batman is about to show Selina the size of his cock here.

I know, right?

That's the final panel of page one. And anybody that knows anything about David Finch knows that he's the number two artist when you want gigantic, waste-of-space, double-paged splashes. Tony S. Daniel, of course, is number one. So when I turned the page, I was expecting Batman's huge cock to throb across the length of the comic book. I actually got out a washcloth and some lotion in preparation! But to my chagrin, it was just a huge, double-page splash of the fucking Batcave.

Whatever. Okay, blood, you can head back to the brain and extremities. You're not actually going to be needed down there.

Catwoman seems to be on friendly terms with Batman so I guess she forgave him for kicking her off of a motorcycle and nearly smearing her pretty lips all across the streets of Gotham. Batman and Catwoman need to grab a few things in the Batcave before heading off to stop the Crime Syndicate on Batman's steam-powered motorcycle. So those are Batman's only choices? Either vehicles wholly reliant on computers or a steam-powered motorcycle. He doesn't have a Volkswagen or an old Mustang or something? I bet Alfred has a fully mechanical car somewhere! Although you might have to crank his to get it started.

Oh Selina. Your contingency plan is in Batman's pants. Unless you're just hinting at an engagement ring here.

Batman decides to give Catwoman a little tour of his boxes so she can know some of those secrets of his that might put her in danger. He's got a Kryptonite Ring in his Superman box which Grid will be happy to learn about. He's got a Sinestro Corps Ring to help him defeat Green Lantern if it ever comes to that. He's got a tiny vibrator from the future for The Flash. He's got a Mother Box to help defeat Cyborg.

Just like Aquaman! Ha ha!

Wonder Woman's box was also empty because she's unbeatable. Unless it was filled with chocolate and Batman ate it. Grid is watching this entire exchange through a Bat-Security Camera so now he knows how Batman hopes to defeat the Crime Syndicate. Or maybe all he cared about was the Kryptonite for Ultraman.

Meanwhile Lex Luthor and his new gang (Black Manta, Black Adam, Black Bizarro, and Captain Black Cold) are preparing to go to war against the Crime Syndicate too. Captain Cold has finished creating a new Cold Gun because Deathstorm took his powers. I guess DC's policy of Meta-Humanizing everybody has been reversed a bit. Even Mirror Master made a new Mirror Gun over in Rogues Rebellion. I actually like Captain Cold better when he's just this guy with some advanced technology. I hope Captain Boomerang gets the treatment too so he's not manifesting boomerangs anymore and has to rely on a bunch of the weapons strapped to his chest. Just like the good old Preboot Days!

Back in Utah, Ultraman pulls the Kryptonite heart from Metallo because he needs a quick fix. I guess that's the end of John Corbin Metallo! But that doesn't mean it's the end of Metallo himself! He'll get a replacement soon, I'm sure. Superwoman arrives to give Ultraman the good news. And some bad news. The good news is she's pregnant! And the bad news is in the scan below.

As you can clearly see from the rendering of each character's skin, Superwoman is a woman and Ultraman is a man. Umm, their names may also have been a clue.

You know, I type the wrong word on occasion. You've probably noticed if you read these commentaries when they're published. If you read them a month after, you may think I rarely make mistakes. Oh how wrong you'd be. In my commentary on Red Hood and The Outlaws #25, I typed "time" when I meant to type "team." Fucking brain is a joke sometimes. I mention this because I just typed "there" in the previous caption and noticed it when I came back from doing some Tumblring and corrected it to "their." I mention this because it got me thinking about how quick people are to point out errors like that, often in a way that shouts, "You're an idiot and I'm obviously more superior than you since I know the difference between 'there,' 'their,' and 'they're.'" As opposed to, you know, ignoring it if it's something as casual as a Facebook Status Update because you know your friend obviously knows the difference but brains have a way of farting out incorrect information at times when people are typing fast. Something like this blog, I'd expect, if people did comment on my errors, that they'd do it in a kindly and informative manner, as in, "Hey, did you notice you fucking screwed up in that line where you meant to say 'time' but said 'team'?" They might understand that this is a stream-of-consciousness blog and I'm really not doing any editing on the thing until later. I never reread my commentaries after finishing them. But when you get to professional publications where people are being paid for the content, and where other people are being paid for editing that content, I think, by all means, flip the fuck out and call them out on it!

The preceding paragraph was brought to you by Rationalizing My Own Errors In A Way That Still Allows Me To Bust DC's Balls About Theirs.

Back in Central City, Deathstorm is called back to Crime Syndicate Headquarters to work on learning to transmute everything to Kryptonite for Ultraman. That might be where Firestorm is being held since Firestorm has that power and Deathstorm needs to learn it. And the rest of the Justice Leagues and their members are trapped within Firestorm. Power Ring is left to hunt Captain Cold all by himself. But first his ring needs to be charged and Power Ring is afraid of his ring and the way it charges. The ring really is a fucking bully. Power Ring needs to stand up to his bully and refuse to charge it! Can't he see it'll leave him alone once its charge dies? Although maybe that would leave Power Ring in a state of withdrawal. Who knows? Power Ring is a weird guy.

Power Ring demands that Grid send help because he's afraid to be alone with the ring. So Grid does but I don't suppose I'll see who Grid sends until I read Justice League #26. It won't be Johnny Quick and Erotica because they're battling the Doom Patrol. Why am I not reading that story? Why hasn't the Doom Patrol been featured anywhere yet? WHAT IS THE FUCKING HOLDUP? I wonder if The Doom Patrol is just The Chief and eighteen really fucked up clones of Gen-13?

Under Metropolis, Luthor and Pals are trying to find a way up into Wayne Enterprises (Metropolis Division) but Subject B-Zero is afraid of the dark and doesn't want to go any further.

I loved Preboot Bizarro. And now I love Reboot Bizarro!

Luthor and Pals break in only to discover Batman and Catwoman already ripping off Bruce Wayne. It's their first clue that any of Earth's biggest heroes survived the Crime Syndicate's invasion. Before a fight erupts between these soon to be allies, Power Ring and his backup crash through the wall! Power Ring's backup consists of Giganta, Deathstroke, Blockbuster, Copperhead, and Shadow Thief. Because those fuckers are everywhere this month. And maybe last month. And probably the month before.

While Luthor and Pals battle Deathstroke and Friends, Batman decides it's time to become really fucking scary.

Really? A bat? Is that all you can fucking come up with, Batman?

I wasn't reading comic books during all of Green Lantern's Lantern War comics, so I don't know if Batman wore a Yellow Ring then or not. I can't imagine that the chance was missed though. His entire theme is based on putting fear into the hearts of criminals. So who better than Batman to wield a Yellow Ring? Who fucking scarier?!

Also, I really like the simple yet striking change to the costume. Now I want a Sinestro Corps Batman Costume.

Batman's ring only has enough charge for the one bat construct before it conks out. Pretty shitty last stand, Batman! But it does have one other desired effect (I guess?): it attracts the attention of that long lost master of fear, Sinestro! He comes crashing in to beat the shit out of Power Ring. Or something. Who knows why he's back because who the fuck knows where he's been?

Forever Evil #4 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm really enjoying the Forever Evil series. Or at least various parts of it. This was one of those various parts I enjoyed. I was a bit disappointed in Batman's short-lived career in the Sinestro Corps here. Especially since he acted like he was a Red Lantern while wearing the ring. Do Yellow Rings hurt the wearer too if the ring wasn't meant for the person wielding it? It was a nice moment before it continued though! Maybe if Batman had put it on his penis, he would have stood a better chance against Power Ring's snake constructs.

Constantine #9

This is Constantine presenting to Ultraman. That's why the word fight is in "quotes." I put "quotes" in quotes because the word fight isn't really in quotes; it's metaphorically in quotes by being set in a different font and color. I also didn't put the word "fight" in quotes in the two previous sentences to avoid confusion when I wrote about the word "fight" not being in quotes.

I had a really brief statement that I wanted to share but then I decided maybe I should preface that statement with a whole lot of rambling. So before I say the thing that I want to say (which is not any major, earth-shaking revelation of any kind but just a simple statement of something I'd like to see but I thought I should put the statement in context anyway), let me put the statement in context. Hmm, I'm really beginning to rethink the need for that parenthetical reference (whenever I first type "parenthetical," I always spell it "paranthetical." Never fails! 100%! Good work, brain!).

I know a lot of people are really mistrustful about things they read and are always concerned with ulterior motives behind the statements being made. Especially on Tumblr where delving into inappropriate humor can be quite a dangerous pastime. I know a lot of people prefer humor that doesn't come anywhere near offending anybody but I believe that if we ignore humor that can wind up being offensive, we avoid satirizing the truly offensive among us and who the fuck said they can get off from being made fun of? That means I tend to lose Followers on occasion because as I'm trying to mine for humor in these dangerous areas, I sometimes hit a natural gas vein or release a Balrog or two. It goes with the territory. That being said, I try to avoid being a complete dick because who wants to be a backer of a shitty institution full of arrogant douchebags? But sometimes you hit a mine when you decide to tap dance across the minefield.

I'm actually playing up my flaws a bit here because mostly I'm rational and level-headed and don't fucking fly off the handle at the first hint of one, single, non-essential mistake that I find in a comic book I'm reading. Nope! Not me! But I do find a common bond in the discomfiture and self-demeaning humour of a good British comedy. So one of my favorite things to do is to say something somewhat racist or misogynistic or homophobic or some other -ist or -ic that I totally can't stand people being and then, by means of explaining myself, dig myself deeper and deeper into the hole of completely offensive asshole. That, to me, is funny even though I wind up being the bad guy and looking like an asshole. It's the discomfiture, directed at myself, which makes me laugh.

True, it can also be seen as trolling since people will get angry at me. But I'm really just writing to make myself laugh. But trolling is trying to make somebody angry for the specific goal of making a fool out of them. They take the bait and you get to go, "Ha ha! Calm the fuck down, moron! Any smart person could have seen that was a joke!" And I don't engage in that bullshit. If somebody gets mad at me for something I said, I don't respond that it was a joke. I respond by pouting and hating on myself and feeling like a complete twat for a period of, usually, no longer than two weeks. So if I say something offensive, never call me on it because it makes me feel bad! Stop picking on me!

Okay, now why the fuck did I just ramble on about all of that bullshit? It's because I wanted to say something and I wanted everybody to know that it's genuine interest in the appeal of the idea that causes me to say it. Even after I say it, one might think, "What the fuck does that have to do with anything he just said?" Well, yeah, anyway. I just wanted to say, "I think the next reboot of the X-men movie franchise should be a completely gender-swapped cast." And not in a tongue-in-cheek way. And not in a way that changes the characters so that, say, Wolverine suddenly starts acting differently. The characters should absolutely remain true to their comic book counterparts. Just imagine how uncomfortable Emmet Frost would make a huge portion of the audience!

But this is a DC Blog. I should probably be talking about a Wonder Woman movie instead of a new X-men franchise. I bet Hollywood is ready for a gender-swapped Wonder Woman movie! I bet they'd think they can make that movie sell! Although I think the Greek Island of Themyscira might cause them a bit of trouble on how to portray that to an audience they think of as being entirely composed of young, teenaged, straight boys that tend to get wildly uncomfortable at any hint of intimate bonds shared between two (or more!) males.

Which brings us, somehow, to Constantine and his Mini-Justice League Dark! They have recently been evicted from The House of Mystery by The Blight who has managed to exit the Collective Unconscious and enter Chris "The Babysitter" Esperanza.

Meanwhile, Pandora has decided this would be an appropriate time to indulge in some self-gratification.

Blight is rampaging about New York with its own Mini-team, the Mini-Seven Deadly Sins. Or maybe just six because Pandora killed Envy. No, no! Seven! Because Evil Aquaman, the King of the Seven Deadly Seas, was recently shown coming back to life in some Forever Evil related comic book. Which means Envy is back, baby! Although only six Mini-Deadly Sins are shown on the big two page splash title page.

Oh no! I'm wrong. Seven are shown! I was just assuming the main one that was drawn closest to the reader was Blight. But I think that one is probably Mini-Pride. Blight, it appears, is a gigantic black amorphous serpenty blobby mist monster thing.

That's The Phantom Stranger's weakness? He can't battle what he can't categorize? Can't understand what he can't compartmentalize? He really is a tool of the Patriarchy and Christianity.

Constantine tries to point out that it's only a monster which isn't helping matters any. His imperialist British background is showing!

I wonder how many people would be upset if Constantine were played by a black man in a film? Or a non-smoker! For me, I think the only essential bit of Constantine is that he remains British. When I first typed the non-smoker thing, I instantly thought, "Yeah. You have to keep the smoking." And then in the next space of random thoughts, I simply asked myself, "Why? I think he'd work just as well without the fag." And then my brain said, "You mean cigarette. You're an American, asshole. You can't casually call them fags." And then my brain said "Sorry! Sorry!" to that first part of my brain that I like to call "Mary Poppins." She keeps me in right order, she does!

I bet my British readers just read that and thought, "Blimey, I knew it, bloody Mary Poppins. By the Queen's pants, I knew that twat established his entire idea of who we are from that movie. Pip pip! Cheerio!"

Back to the comic book, it seems that lead Mini-Sin I thought might be Pride might actually be The Blight, thanks to the clue from The Phantom Stranger about the dragon/man business. So now that I'm thoroughly unsure as to the existence of Envy, I suppose I'll just move on and ignore it until the comic book tells me definitively what's going on.

Meanwhile somewhere else some "withered old bore" is forcing some smart mouthed kid to help him with some Project that has Sargon the Sorceress strapped to a Magic Sucking Machine. My first thought was that the kid was Vibe but I don't think Vibe can pull off the attitude that this kid pulls of in a few lines. It could be The Crime Syndicate's Hostage although I'd suspect Vibe over The Hostage since I'm certain The Hostage will be playing his or her role over in Forever Evil.

Back in New York, The Mini-Justice League Dark begin to gain the upper hand after they teleport away for a nano-second to regroup. It works! They pin The Blight Babysitter to the ground while Pandora chases the Mini-Sins away. They now have the upper hand! They're going to win!

Oh no. Strike that. Reverse it.

Completely reverse it! Swamp Thing gets chewed in half and John gets bitten and stung and whipped and beat. He begins moaning like a love sick puppy that's never going to get to see his sweetheart again. It's totally disgusting! And then, like the cover shows, he fights the Crime Syndicate!

No, no. Just kidding. The Crime Syndicate never show. The issue ends with John about to be killed by The Blight. TTFN!

Constantine #9 Rating: No change. This was my least favorite issue of The Blight but I'm not sure if it's because the comic didn't really resolve much or because Christmas has left me feeling like shit due to spending Christmas Eve with my dad and sister and spending Christmas with The Non-Certified Spouse's father and his new wife and her grown children and finding I have no feelings or bonds to any of these family members. Plus I lost one of my clients on Christmas Eve because their 7-11 was taken over by Corporate and Corporate brought in their own crew. So that always feels like shit. Yesterday I was hoping sleeping all day with the cat would help and it has kind of dulled the edges of impending doom! I bet Tater Tots would make me feel better! Tater Tots and a nice long hug from Mommy!

Justice League #25

It's hard to write a decent synopsis of the story so far when the story has been split up in a bunch of other comic books. So I guess I'll trust that the cover is portraying the main event in this book and just update what was happening in Dick Grayson's life: he had the ever loving fuck beaten out of him and he was being held prisoner by The Crime Syndicate. The only reason he was alive was because Owlman was acting sentimental. Everybody in the world also found out that Bruce Wayne's first ward, Dick Grayson, was Nightwing's secret identity. But nobody has moved on from "I wonder if Bruce Wayne knew about this?" to "Holy fuck! Alfred Pennyworth must be The Goddamned Batman!"

Last issue began showing the origin of the little shit Ultraman and how his dickbag parents sent him to Earth 3 to become the all-powerful ruler of everything. It was romantic and sad as Jor-il looked over at Lara as they realized they would never see their son again and yelled, "Shut up, Lara!" Now we get to see how little Owlman's life began.

Hmm. Nothing out of the ordinary.

That little shit Bruce pusses out of the plan to kill their parents and wrestles the gun away from his brother Thomas. While they're wrestling, good old Alfred Pennyworth walks up, picks up the gun, and shoots Martha and Thomas Wayne. Then he chastises Bruce and puts a bullet in him too. He may have gone a bit further than New Earth Alfred but he seems to maintain the same sense of loyalty and willingness to get the job done. But since this is backwards world, he probably makes a shit cup of tea.

Alfred, always knowing exactly what his Master wants, made sure not to kill Bruce outright. Now, Thomas puts a bullet in his head as he hears an owl in the distance saying, "What the fuck? Seriously?!"

Back on New Earth, is that fucking Plastic Man?!

That was a rhetorical question because how many people can there possibly be named "Eel?"

Eel is hanging out with all of the Chicago mob families as they discuss how they're going to get in on The Crime Syndicate action. Being normal, everyday, regular criminals, they realize they don't really have much to offer which means they have to get creative. Ha! I bet the last time a mafia guy was creative was when he let his wife fuck on top. I hope no mafia guys are reading this and thinking I just called them all unimaginative because of the way they consistently use violence and force to get what they want! What I meant was they're more cerebral and intellectual than they are whimsical and creative! Don't shoot me in the head and drown me in concrete shoes just because you misinterpreted my words, you stupid lunkheads! I mean, um, all of these comments are only meant to describe the criminal masterminds of New Earth! All you mafia guys on Earth Prime, you're all right! Keep up the good work! Don't mind me!

What am I worried about? Like mob guys can read or use computers! Pshaw!

Owlman, Narration Boxing from who the fuck knows where (a tree limb hanging over the proceedings? But upright on the limb! Not upside down like a stupid bat!) mentions how he likes to use the infrastructure already in place in a city. So you'd think he'd like to work with these Mob guys and continue to let them run things! But I sense a but coming up! And probably some explosions!

No wonder I sensed a "but" coming up! Because I'd already read it on the previous page where he says, "But sometimes that doesn't work!" The explosions I did guess though!

Oh! Oh! And look at those oil drums in the warehouse! I bet they house the chemicals that Eel will become doused in to become Plastic Man! This story isn't about Owlman at all! It's about that big fucking goofball, Plas!

Okay, okay. I guess it can be about both of them in equal measures. Speaking of equal measures, maybe I think I'm going to pick a random recipe tomorrow and do some cooking! Look out, stomach! And colon! And toilet!

See! Do I get some experience points for recognizing Eel O'Brian's nearly identical origin from the pre-Crisis universe?! Sure I do! But not enough to gain another rank. I'm still a Brother Comic Book Reader, brother!

Owlman kills all the leaders and then chooses the one that doesn't insult the fuck out of him. After that, he's off to speak with Nightwing about a job offer. One that Nightwing can't accept!

Hunh. I guess he needs the money more than I realized. This is why you should avoid debt at all cost! Because when you're desperate, you wind up working for a prick like Owlman! Or me! I should get some interns!

Maybe before Batman died, he told Dick Grayson, "Keep your enemies close and your friends closer. Because who wants to fucking hang out with their enemies all of the time? But if your enemies want to like, go get pizza or something and they're willing to pick up the tab, why would you refuse? Hang out! Enjoy it! You know how many times I've gone to the local porn theater with The Joker? Ha! Good times. Although better times when I go with Alfred! So remember, friends closer, enemies close, your left hand closest."

So Richard joins up with Thomas in the hopes that he can defeat Ultraman. Since that guy seems to be the biggest threat (simply because nobody wants to think about how threatening Deathstorm and Johny Quick might be), it seems like a good plan. Plus he can learn all of Owlman's weaknesses by bonding with him, like how Owlman loves Superwoman, and how Owlman has helped make a baby inside of her. I bet Ultraman would be plenty angry to find out about that! Which is, you know, why Owlman needs to build this plan to defeat Ultraman. Before Ultraman notices the fetus isn't half-Asshole Kryptonian and he decides to crush Owlman's head. And Superwoman's too, for good measure.

Justice League #25 Rating: +2 Ranking. I wonder if Plastic Man is going to become all dark and gritty for The New 52! Maybe he'll have a really black sense of humor and he'll turn himself into torture devices invented by The Inquisition and shove himself up bad guy anuses so he can expand ever so slowly until all of their insides fall out through their ass. That's the kind of Plastic Man I want to see! Who needs that goofy guy always cracking jokes and turning into gigantic paper airplanes?! Comic books don't have a place for that kind of silliness anymore, Plas!

Pandora #5

Is the Pandora logo an emoticon of her body where the "O" is her vagina? The "P" is her windswept hair and face. The "A" are her breasts held tightly in her buttoned coat. The "N" is the bunched fabric on her midsection (or abs!). The "D" is her belly leading into her waist formed by the constricting lines. The "O" is her pelvis. And the "R" and "A" are her legs and cape and gun holster and stuff.

I am currently snacking on Fresh Gourmet (Registered Trademark) Crispy Jalapenos (Lightly Salted). Thankfully, if I want more than just these Crispy Jalapenos, they've provided me with some recipe suggestions on the back. "Taco Salad with Crispy Jalapenos." "Mashed Potatoes with Crispy Jalapenos." "Cheeseburger with Crispy Jalapenos." "Macaroni and Cheese with Crispy Jalapenos." Wow! I can make all of those meals using Crispy Jalapenos?! But what if I don't feel like any of those? How can I incorporate Crispy Jalapenos into other meals without a recipe? No worries! There are more recipe ideas at www.freshgourmet.com!

You know what, Fresh Gourmet? I think I've cracked your little pattern! I suspect you haven't created any of these recipes at all! You've just thought up a meal and added "with Crispy Jalapenos" at the end! That's quite the opposite of clever! Whenever I think Gourmet, I always think a previously complete recipe with some random ingredient out of a sealed plastic bag sprinkled over the top. Mmm! Delicious! I'm going to send them an email suggestion for my recipe of Crispy Jalapenos with Meatloaf. Why not make the Crispy Jalapenos the star of the dish?

Last issue, Pandora hunted down The Outsider because she needs some information. Or perhaps, like this cover states, she just needs to kill him.

Pandora asks him how to reopen the portal back to Earth 3 and The Outsider decides to answer the question by telling Pandora that she's not asking the right question.

She's not interested in the history of the box, you dick. She just needs to know how to get your ass back into it. So stop waxing philosophic and answer the Got-Damn Question!

Philosophy literally means "wasted knowledge" in Greek. Because "sofia" means wisdom and "Philo" was the name of the head of the first Greek Fraternity who could drink all the other frat brothers under the sundial. Also, he invented the term "fraternity" which was later incorporated into Latin by those thieving Romans.

The Outsider relates the history of the Seven Sins to Pandora because somebody has to know something so that the reader can learn everything. The Seven Sins don't cause sin at all. They just masturbate to it. Our actions are their pornography. The Outsider then points out what anybody paying attention to the Trinity of Sin has already been screaming about from the beginning: Pandora did nothing wrong. Just like The Phantom Stranger did nothing wrong except play an integral part in Jesus's plan. So I'm guessing The Question didn't do any shit to warrant his punishment either. The Council of Wizards was just a bunch of privileged douchebags expecting everybody in the world to know their rules and play by their rules and accept being punished when they broke a rule they'd never been told not to break. That whole Council can eat a tasty bag of deep fried donkey dick.

That's just the kind of stupid shit Philo Sophocles would come up with while lying in a puddle of vomit.

Phil Sophocles: "In my world, dicks are vaginas and vaginas are dicks! In my world, mouths are assholes and assholes are mouths! In my world, your world is my world and my world is your world! OH MY GOD! Everything is the same and nothing is everything!"
Aggie Gnostic: "You're not making any sense, Phil. Are you? I think you aren't. Well, you might be. Meh, whatever."

Pandora decides The Outsider might not be lying about one thing he said: The Crime Syndicate can kill immortals. So she tries to teleport back to Marcus where he's got an idea on how to fix the Box. But she gets caught up in the transporter beam, becoming pure knowledge. Well, slightly impure knowledge seeing as how she still has her guns and she begins shooting them at the knowledge tentacles that are trying to find an uncovered orifice.

"When a society decides that sexual imagery and intimate knowledge of the pleasurable arts should be repressed, that society will find stranger, creepier, more octopus-like outlets to represent sexual expression." -- Philo Sophocles, 663 BCE. Sometimes Philo said things that may have made sense although in this particular instance, he was only defending his habit of shoving calamari into his rectum.

Pandora finds herself transported back to where it began before she tries to kill herself with a rock but she has herself outgunned with pistols. Then she appears back at The Rock of Eternity with her fellow Trinity members. But this time, the Council of Wizards is composed of John Constantine, Fake Swamp Thing, and The Nightmare Nurse. So the Trinity will probably get a better trial this time.

Pandora #5 Rating: No change. Pandora didn't really get much done, did she? I suppose she got some advice from the people in her past as she time traveled but that won't get her far. "Immortals are overconfident." "Every person has a part to play." "There are two kinds of people: strays and losts." It all just sounds like Philo Sophocles, drunk again and fucking the house mascot. The house mascot was a huge marble tablet of wisdom which Philo chiseled a hole in. Which might be why some people think "philosophy" actually means "love of wisdom." Whatever. I'm sure a visit to Snopes will set those assholes straight.

Forever Evil #3

Bizarro's costume sure looks a lot fancier than the inside out shirt he put on last issue.

At the end of last issue, Batman and Catwoman appeared at STAR Labs with a gigantic hunk of meat and shrapnel that they had named Victor Stone for some reason. They believe Doctor Stone can infuse their hunk of meat with life because obviously scientists are miracle workers. And I don't mean they teach language skills to kids that can't hear or see! Although they might. They're probably constantly working on machines and software and programs that help people make their way every day in this harsh and unforgiving world. I wouldn't compare it to all the praying that religious people do to help the disenfranchised, the meek, and the poor, but scientists are trying! It's a lot harder when you don't have an omnipotent being to push around and do all of the work for you.

Batman explains what happened in-between the final issue of Trinity War and the first issue of Forever Evil. While he and Catwoman hid behind some rubble to do whatever those two perverts were going to do, the rest of the team were sucked into the living embodiment of Slash Fiction: Firestorm.

So the Firestorm Matrix is The Cube everybody is imprisoned in?

Even in The Red Room at STAR Labs, a television constantly plays news against the backdrop of life. And that's where Batman learns that Nightwing has been captured and that The Crime Syndicate has revealed that his secret identity is Richard Grayson. Batman immediately shits his pants and says, "Um, Doc, we gotsta go!"

Meanwhile Victor Stone is tapping out "Kill me" on the metal table in Morse Code with the end of his spine.

Luckily everybody in the DC Universe is too stupid to figure out that Bruce Wayne is The Batman, so revealing that Nightwing is Dick Grayson isn't really going to be the clue that breaks the camel's back. But even still, Batman needs to go put out this fire as fast as possible. So it's "Good luck with your son, Doctor Stone but adios motherfucker!"

Back in Metropolis, the best buddy movie ever is underway.

The new Bizarro is either childlike or gay. I've got my fingers crossed for both.

While Lex Luthor hooks up his Bizarrovision Satellite, Ultraman smashes Black Adam's jaw and knocks a bunch of teeth out. Out of every violent action depicted in comic books, I think artists go too quickly to teeth coming out. They do know that gums don't merely scab over and new teeth come in, do they? Black Adam is going to need some serious dental work after this and who is going to perform that surgery? Who can?! He's invulnerable. I suppose he can go to Zatanna's Esuoh fo Yrtsitned for a quick touch up. I guess Superman can always get his degree as a dentist in ten minutes and then use his super eyes and super breath and super sticky semen to fix up Black Adam's mouth. Or maybe Black Adam can just look like a hockey player for the rest The New 52's lifetime.

Back in Central City, Deathstorm and Power Ring bully the Rogues because the Rogues aren't destroying Central City which the Crime Syndicate asked them, nicely, to do. Although most of the city looks like it's already on fire after Grodd's invasion so I think Deathstorm and Power Ring simply want to pick a fight. Deathstorm manages to rewrite Captain Cold's DNA so he loses his ice powers. He also fucks up the rest of the Rogue's powers so that Mirror Master and the others become trapped in the Mirror World. Captain Cold heads off to make a new Cold Gun while Lex Luthor and Bizarro wander into town. And Black Manta appears out of the river dragging Black Adam behind him. No wonder it's called Central City! All plot lines lead here!

Sheesh. I thought I sucked at DC Geography but I think I might have a better handle on it than Geoff Johns.

Forever Evil #3 Rating: No change. Lex Luthor and his mini-Legion of Doom are Earth's last, best hope! Except for Batman. He's the bestest, lastest hope. Maybe they'll team up after they fight for a few pages next issue. How could they lose with the smartest and the second smartest man working on the same team? I don't know who the third smartest person on this Earth is now that Mister Terrific is gone. Probably Dr. Veritas. But only when she's not being written by Scott Lobdell.

Justice League Dark #24

Everyone's completely sick of your fucking shit, John.

Trinity War wrapped up with a spectacular non-conclusion. The Crime Syndicate has begun their conquest of Earth Prime. The Justice League is dead. And I have no fucking clue where this comic book will fall in the chain of events. Even as tie-ins, these things should be numbered. They should also have a little meter that shows how closely the book ties in to actual events in Forever Evil. So one tiny little bar on the meter would be filled in for a comic book that simply shows the strange eclipse and a monitor that says, "The world is ours." But the entire bar should be filled in for comic books that have Batman in them.

Blow job, heroin, or taking a huge dump?

If this is Constantine receiving a blow job, the reaction at the end is probably because Frankenstein is giving it to him. If it's John on heroin, the reaction at the end is because he's found himself in a squalid apartment with a baby nearby rotting in the crib. If he's taking a huge dump, well, that's the worst possibility: rectal prolapse.

I suppose he could also be hanging from a meathook with all of his Justice League Dark buddies! And he's woken up with Madame Xanadu trying to divine his future. That would startle me as well.

Looks like heroin wins!

John chases away the little Johns and then sits down to catch his breath by lighting up a smoke. He decides that the demons were simply materialized psychisms because who doesn't reach for Jungian terminology when one has a dreamlike experience of existential horror? Maybe this comic book is one of my own, reminding me to fucking finish reading Memories, Dreams, Reflections. And if that's the case, do I really need to do a commentary on a materialized psychism? Seems a tad redundant.

Constantine remembers that the Justice Leagues had their asses kicked by a group that came from "a third Earth." Does nobody have an issue with people from a nicely numbered other Earth? Why is their Earth "Earth 3"? Who made the numbering system? What about Earth 2? What fucking number is the main Earth of the DCU? Is it just "Earth"? And why should it get special dispensation to not be among the numbered? Does Earth 2 think of itself as Earth 2? Perhaps The New 52's main Earth is "Earth X" and it's numbered designation is only referred to by people from other Earths who then label it with the number that we give their Earth? So The Crime Syndicate view this Earth as Earth 3. And the Justice Society view this Earth as Earth 2? But then why would everybody agree to call the Elseworlds Prestige Format Comic Book Earth, Earth 1?! Is it the one they all would like to be a part of? I hate all of the multiple Earths!

John has lost everybody but he's found himself back in The House of Mystery. So now it's time to rescue the others and get the fuck out of the Justice Business! This shit is crazy.

The House of Mystery decides Constantine needs some clues to figure out what to do next so it begins showing him ignored people suffering from loneliness and little black wisps that feed on their despair, building into anger and hurt and evil.

First appearance of Mad Hettie! She's a New Yorker now.

Constantine tours the world watching people grow in evil and he learns the most important lesson of all. We are evil because we don't look at homeless people or call our mothers enough. This story is like a Hallmark Card of betrayal!

Outside of card: "Happy 8th Birthday!"
Inside of card: "Thanks for ruining your mom's vagina, you selfish bastard!"

Outside of card: "It was so nice to see you again!"
Inside of card: "Because I never expected to! It's been what? Ten fucking years? Asshole!"

Outside of card: "Congratulations on the promotion!"
Inside of card: "Now rape the world of its resources; lie, cheat, and steal to get ahead; and dance on the bodies of the poor and the weak to fulfill your own selfish desires! Good job!"

John learns that the Crime Syndicate won because we're all unfeeling bastards that have no sense of proportion! I carelessly stepped on a slug the other night because I wasn't watching every step I was making which means I can justify global thermonuclear war! Fuck me! There's no hope! We're all doomed!

"To fist you!"

After the After School Special in which John learns the ways of evil, Zatanna points out that the message was full of bias. Pandora's Box gave him Hopelessmydia so that he saw doom and gloom everywhere he went. But I think the Hopelessmydia has spread due to Pandora's Portal being opened and that's what John was seeing. Evil is growing due to the portal being breached and one of the symptoms of Hopelessmydia is to think that the Hopelessmydia sprang from your own mind and not because you touched Pandora's dirty little box. But Zatanna yells "Nillicinep!" and cures Constantine after which he wakes up from his virus fueled nightmare.

Constantine finds his projection of Zatanna naked and in bed next to him. He actually begins to think this might be a preferable way to live his life. But isn't he the jerk that tore Shade out of practically the same fantasy in some hotel in bumfuck nowhere, living with a Madness version of Kathy George? Perhaps that's where John got this idea of withdrawal from the world?

Too bad it doesn't work out for him. Although she did cure him of his infection. He should be grateful for that much.

Once John calms down, he realizes Nightmare Nurse cured him and is there to help. Maybe not for unselfish reasons but it's all John has at the moment. She's going to help him find the missing members of Justice League Dark and she brings along another mini-JLD member:

Chia Swamp Thing!

Justice League Dark #24 Rating: +2 Ranking. I'm glad all the over-the-top chastising of the human race was kind of taken back by making it Hopelessmydia because that was grating on my nerves. But after that bit, I like the rest! I like Constantine teaming up with Nightmare Nurse and Chia Swamp Thing to go find the lost members of the Justice League Dark. I guess I should include The House of Mystery on the new team as well. I hope they save everybody but Madame Xanadu. She can suck it.