Batgirl and the Birds of Prey #4

I have my doubts that television would support Dinah's weight.

That caption wasn't a comment about how fat Dinah has gotten. Sure, she probably put on a few pounds while on the road with Black Canary but she's still looking fit. The caption was a comment about flat screen televisions and their structural integrity. Maybe she could have sat on the screen of a television before flat screens. Those things were massive and sturdy. When I finally purchased my first HDTV a number of years ago, I walked home from the store with it tucked under my arm. When I moved the old television from its stand to storage about fifteen feet away, I nearly threw out my back. Lighter televisions are my favorite thing about the future. After pornography at your fingertips, of course!

Oh, and, um, social change! Social change is the best! Go society! I would be out marching to support all of the women but I don't want to make it all about me. I can make things all about me without having to go out in the cold and the crowds by staying in and vomiting my opinions all over my comic book blog.

This issue begins with Helena Bertinelli giving a lecture on the origins of the Mafia. She isn't doing this out of the goodness of her heart because she knows we're all complete ignoramuses when it comes to the Mafia and she wants us to not be that. She's doing it because it's also the secret origin of her family. The Bertinellis were the original gangsters of Sicily, along with the Cassamento family. Instead of just linking to the Mafia Wikipedia page because comic books don't have the capability of clicking through (although if you're reading this digitally, I suppose they could. What's stopping DC Comics from incorporating that technology?), she fills the first page with ten Narration Boxes full of words that basically say, "The Mafia are like grapes. They were good at first but then they fermented and everybody became drunk with power. The end."

It's these snarky additions to the Location Blurbs that are forcing me to drop this comic book. No more. Please!

The Huntress has decided to set out on her own because Batgirl is all, "We don't kill! Blah blah blah." But the only thing The Huntress wants to do is kill Santo Cassamento. So she ditches the Birds of Prey pointing out that joining them is a mistake and she doesn't make mistakes.

That is, she rarely makes mistakes.

The Huntress comes to the same conclusion about how she, maybe, occasionally makes mistakes. She also gets sexually harassed by a snake-man she's trying to kill.

Which came first? The sexual harassment or the attempted murder? That sounds like a line from an XTC song.

Batgirl and Black Canary arrive to save the day with an antique mirror and Tiffany lamp. Somehow the bulb in the lamp is bright enough to nearly blind the half-snake woman. I guess her eyes are so sensitive to light that sh can only function in the dark. That explains why they took so long to attack the safe house.

The Birds of Prey drive the snake monsters away. Every time I read an issue of this new Birds of Prey where they battle the snake-people, I can't not think of the part in Crowther's Adventure where you drive the snake away with the little bird. This is probably four Batgirl and the Birds of Prey commentaries in a row where I've mentioned it.

Batgirl reveals she knows who The Huntress is and The Huntress is all, "How did you find out?!" Batgirl wipes Dick Grayson's semen from her chin and says, "A girl has her secrets!" Helena decides since they all know each other's secret identities now, it would be stupid not to form a team. I wanted to add "and a theme" to knowing their identities but "Birds of Prey" isn't really a theme when you have a canary, a bat, and a huntress. I suppose if you're ignorant and you believe bats are birds because they're terrifying, I can see you sort of shrugging and buying into it. But a canary certainly isn't a bird of prey. It's a bird that is prey to other birds and snakes and spiders and miners. But what the fuck is a huntress? I guess the theme is that they're all birds which is a slang term for women for some reason. Do women eat worms?

Now that Batgirl and Black Canary know The Huntress's real name, they get to hear every single private detail about The Huntress from her own mouth. The Huntress must be a demon and now Batgirl has gained total control over her by voicing her secret name.

I would keep reading this comic book if it were called "Constantine's Birds of Pray". Constantine would only appear as a speaker telling them their missions but you'd know it was him because he'd swear a lot and smoke would drift out of the speaker. He'd send the Birds to destroy demons and angels who have infiltrated the mortal realm in sunny locations so that the Birds could wear bikinis a lot. Chaz could be the Bosley character of this totally original idea I just made up so you probably don't know who Bosley is.

How are Babs and Dinah following this narrative? Without the pictures, Helena just sounds like she's got dementia.

Of course some gangsters broke in and shot Helena's father in the head so she could have some character development. Daddy Issues rule in the DCU! Her brother was also killed which is disappointing because nobody could make her laugh like he did by showing her a meatball on a fork. The Huntress says, "I will never know why they dragged mama out of the room to kill her." Because they didn't kill her, dum-dum! That's going to be part of a shocking twist later on! Sheesh. Don't you read comic books?

Batgirl gets a new lead on Oracle and The Huntress is all, "Let's go, family!" Batgirl weeps uncontrollably and Black Canary says, "Aren't you going a little fast? You have to buy me dinner before we can do hugs." Then they race off as a new team who totally trusts each other and loves each other! No more wasted story on will she join or won't she join!

The Birds have to fight through some robot versions of Batman's foes to get to Oracle's possible location. For some reason (I know the reason! To set up the joke!), The Penguin robot has been programmed to quack like a duck. Why can't he be on the Birds of Prey? He fits the theme better than two-thirds of the current team. Maybe he can't join because those Bat-grapples have a weight limit. He'd never be able to get around the city. Although judging by his height, Penguin can't way more than Batman in all of his Bat-gear. It's also possible Penguin's belly is mostly just Kevlar padding.

When the Birds arrive at the office of Oracle, they do not find Oracle. But they do find a collection of past Batgirl uniforms. Maybe they'll catch Oracle next issue. And then maybe Batgirl will stop fighting people stealing her identity. That's basically all she's done over the last year and a half.

What Did We Learn?
We learned that we can't believe a single thing coming from any White House press conferences over the next four years. I didn't learn that from this comic book but I figured it was the most important thing I learned yesterday.

The Ranking!
No change.

Batgirl #4

Yappy dragons are the worst.

Dear Diary,
Did you hear about Jennifer Lawrence scratching her butt on a sacred rock?! So disrespectful! And you know there's nothing worse in the world than disrespecting other people's irrational beliefs! I mean, sure, I get having an itchy ass in a wet suit because you might not have wiped particularly well that day since, you know, my Batsuit is practically a wetsuit and I've also had those kinds of days when I get undressed and reach down the back of my underwear for a good scratch and then bring my fingers up to sniff them and they're covered in poo! But I'd never wipe my ass on a sacred rock! That's like burning a flag or drawing Mohammad or having an abortion! These are things other people don't want other people to do for reasons that I suppose we should all just agree with because they're so passionate about them. Not that I believe any rock is sacred or that burning a flag is dishonoring servicepeople or that drawing Mohammad is a form of idol worship and therefore against Allah's word or that having an abortion is killing a baby! But other people believe those things and I guess I should respect those beliefs? I mean, unless I strongly believe the opposite! Like how if a rock killed my grandmother and now I had a sacred duty to wipe my ass on all rocks!

Anyswayze, who really cares, amirite?! I suppose people who can't get enough with finding faults in other people because it gives them righteous indignation boners. Although in her story, Jennifer Lawrence did admit that the real curse is white people, so why is everybody so mad? She was, like, admitting that thing we all knew already!

Also that thing I said about sniffing my butt fingers was just a joke. Ha ha!

So this week, I met these supervillains who were really into researching American dropouts. Weird!

These criminals were Asian dropouts which is like the worst of the worst when it comes to dropouts! Unless that's racist! I mean, even if it is racist, it's probably sort of true. Not that they're the dumbest dropouts out of all the dropouts! Heck, a Korean dropout is probably thirty times smarter than an American high school graduate! Um, that's probably a racist assumption too! But if I can't make racist assumptions in my own Diary, Diary, where can I make them?! Oh! I know! In Trump's America! Hmm, this Diary might be a best-seller if I leak it to the right American publisher!

Oh man! Speaking about racial stereotypes, how about those Korean gamers?! Holy crap, those guys are serious! I'd wipe my ass on a hundred sacred rocks before I disrespected a South Korean gaming clan in an online game! Especially if it's one with PvP because if you attack one member and defeat them, you'll suddenly find yourself attacked and destroyed in the most massively coordinated attack in the history of coordinated online gaming attacks! I've experienced in a game called Archmage that I played when I was like six! People tried to warn me! But I was all, "No, no! I can take them down!" And then I was attacked by fifty people at exactly the same time thereby bypassing the cool down time for getting attacked once you've been completely destroyed. Bastards!

More Asian dropouts attacked and I had to get out of there because I felt bad beating them up when they were victims of a social attitude that demands excellence in academics that not everybody can achieve. They weren't the monsters! The culture they lived in was the monster! Wait. Is that racist too?! I mean, can I, a white woman, judge the value of another society if that value causes unwarranted pain and hardship among the populace? Or should I just keep my white nose out of it?! I'm glad this Diary is private and a whole bunch of judgmental assholes won't be reading it! Can you imagine, Diary, if you had a comment section?! Eep!

Meanwhile this was happening to Kai although I didn't know it yet! Sigh. Look at those abs! Why am I suddenly reminded of the Hoover Dam?!

I needed some help with The Mystery of Whatever the Mystery Was (I Think It Had To Do With A Martial Arts Tutoring Program That Kai Ran Afoul Of?). I really do need to work on my Mystery Names. How am I ever going to market a series of Young Adult novels about a super hip chick with a majorly fine ass who goes around the world solving mysteries and fucking hunks if the name of the mystery can't even fit on the cover?! I think the first book should be called "The Mystery of the Penis Filled Orifice!" Hmm, I'm thinking about the Hoover Dam again!

Anyswayze, I called Frankie to help me out with my mystery. She was all, "That Biowhatever you're whosit now whatsit thingy was created by the what's-his-name who was accused of stealing and publishing some other chick's research but the accusation was never proven." And I was all, "Gross! Shouldn't the accusation have been enough to prove the research was stolen?!" And Frankie was all, "Right?! The guy who stole it barely graduated so he totes couldn't have come up with that shit himself!" And I was all, "So gross!"

Frankie found all the clues I needed to put this Mystery (and Kai!) in bed! To bed? Whatever! The bio-encrypted drugs or whatever that Kai was somehow involved in transporting were going to be used to make all of the stupid Asian kids smart enough to pass their tests so their parents would give them oral stimulation of their genitals! That's a thing, right? Oh man. Don't tell me. Racism again, right?! Egads!

So anyway, Teacher stole the bio-crap out of Kai's stomach and then the bio-crap left in his stomach was destroyed by antibiotics when he ended up in the hospital! Now he's going to be killed by some Asian gang and I'm probably never going to learn what his man-meat tastes like! Probably like licking a sweaty foot, right? So gross! Now why am I thinking of the Mojave Desert?!

Before leaving Kai for good, I, as Batgirl, advised him to get a real job and then maybe Barbara Gordon might want to date him. If he had guess that I was Batgirl at that moment, I totally would have done him! But he didn't because he's just as dopey as I remember. Too bad! His body was good enough to do ethically terrible things! Now I see why Batman lets Catwoman get away with everything just short of murder! Or does she murder now? I think she murders now, right? Or is that just a red herring?

Anyswayze, following the trail of clues I worked super hard to get Frankie to discover, I found the Super Villain Cram School run by Evil Teacher! My first act was to batarang the shit out of her Evil Study Drugs which shattered all over her and turned her into the Bane version of my seventh grade English teacher! Or maybe a different teacher. My 7th Grade English Teacher was Mr. Sousa and he had a weird obsession with Romeo and Juliet, so much so that we spent one entire quarter doing nothing but reading and watching different versions of the play. The ballet! The pop art modern take! That old movie that showed tits! A version of it in the park! I suppose if he sucked down some Venom, he'd just boner rage down to the closest Shakespeare Festival.

So I was just about to get into a fight with Mrs. Bane when I realized I was bored with my life abroad. I mean, I still kicked her ass and all but that story will have to go unheard by any Diary. I mean, I just don't feel like writing about my life anymore! Sorry, Diary! I need to concentrate on my vagina before it dries out!

The Review!
I'm more interested in this series than I was the last time I read an issue but it's too late. I've taken it off of my pull list! It's a shame, too, because Batgirl is the only character in the DC Universe who knows how to handle a thought bubble! Also she has a great ass!

Batgirl and the Birds of Prey #3

I wish DC Comics had a Batgirl and the Birds of Prey Battling in Their Underwear Variant Cover.

My biggest laugh of the month so far was reading this headline from the sidebar of Facebook: "Undiscovered moons may lurk around Uranus." Holy shit. I'm still giggling about that. This anecdote brought to you by the number 69 and the letters "How fucking mature am I, right?"

Holy shit! I just remembered that I thought Supergirl was going to lose its charm by going to CW where they seem to think lying is the greatest sin anybody can commit except that everybody in their shows lie all of the time and only care about lying when they've caught another person lying to them and they can judge the other person because of it! But after that 3rd episode, I'm just as in love with the show as I was last season! Wonder Woman is president?! Come on! I mean, she's actually an alien so that was a misstep. Couldn't they have just kept hinting at the fact that she was Wonder Woman like they did with her "you should see my other jet" line?! And Mon-el?! And Maggie Sawyer?! I mean, I guessed who each of them were immediately but that's what's so cool about the show. Technically what it's doing is a low-rent virtual reality version of jerking off comic book nerds as they watch the show. I know I came in my pants upon the revelation of M'gann! It's so good that I'm hoping the writers of Arrow will take notice and think, "Maybe our show should be more like their show and we should give up this theme of 'Everybody Lies and It's Not All Right At All To Ever Lie' that Guggenheim came up with because of that terrible experience he had at the Junior High School Sadie Hawkins Dance where the girl who asked him out never showed because she asked a better looking guy out and went with him without telling Marc. I mean, probably because of that.

Anyway, I should probably get to the Birds of Prey before I begin whining about the changes in the timeline in Flash and Arrow and how Legends of Tomorrow has gone the nonsensical Voyagers! route of "saving history". Sure, I still like the show! I liked Voyagers! too! But I was less sophisticated about time travel when I was eleven so I didn't judge the show for how stupid the premise was. Now I sit and watch Legends of Tomorrow between fits of joy at seeing the Justice Society and fits of anger at how time must constantly be fixed! I can't wait until the Legends wind up in a moment in time that's so crucial to about twenty different timelines that they run into versions of themselves from nineteen other timelines who all insist that the changes they want to make are the correct changes!

The issue begins in the past when Tiny Dinah decided to run away from her Foster Parents because all Foster Parents are terrible people. Not that I've ever met any of them but I've seen all of the movies and television shows. Foster Parents are the worst! Like Mr. Drummond! What a fucking dick that guy was. And the football player who took in Emmanuel Lewis! Ugh! So awful! And the white guy on that The Brady Bunch back door pilot who took in the black kid and the Mexican kid and the Asian kid! What was up with the seventies and early eighties airing shows about white families taking care of minorities? What kind of imperialist propaganda was that shit?! Was the message that minorities needed white people to set them on the right path?! Although they also seemed to think white kids needed some kind of multicultural experience too which is why a lot of families had black maids.

The Birds are researching Fenice in the Clock Tower and they're looking quite realistic. No male gaze allowed here! They're drawn so realistically that I can smell the sweaty superhero funk that must be wafting out of their dank leather costumes. So gross. My male gaze never thought it wouldn't be interested in a Birds of Prey comic book!

The Birds of Prey find some information that leads them to a Mexican Restaurant where they believe Fenice's next hit will be dining. They should have read the final page of their last issue! Then they'd know where Fenice's snake gang really are.

Batgirl ignores the door of the poor, innocent, family restaurant. What the hell? Does she get a cut of every Wayne Window and Wall Repair job she creates?

Oracle texts Batgirl another Riddler Would Be So Fucking Embarrassed Clue as to where the Birds should really be focusing their attention. Oracle must be annoyed that the Birds are so terrible at figuring stuff out. Although shouldn't the bad guy be happy that the good guy got the wrong location?! I'm not sure I'll ever understand the self-destructive nature of bad guys in comic books. It's always, "My success wouldn't mean anything if the good guy didn't have a fair chance of stopping me!" Although they never have success because they constantly insist on playing fair so maybe they should rethink their methods?

Oracle really must want the Snake Gang to fail because Oracle had them wait for hours before attacking Gordon and Santo. So after Oracle texts Batgirl to make sure she knows where to go, Oracle sends the Snake People up from the cellar to kill Gordon and Santo.

When has a mudroom ever been an indicator of wealth?!

The Birds of Prey arrive just in time to save all of the lives. Not that Gordon was in any danger but Gordon did have a few Red Shirt cops hanging about who are lucky to still be alive. Now that the fighting has commenced, so can the Battle Non Sequiturs! After Asp calls in a bunch of snakes to attack, Batgirl says, "Too bad your backup doesn't have legs." That doesn't make any sense because they have fangs and poison! Although Batgirl is kicking Asp (hee hee) at the time, so I guess that's where the wit comes in. Then Lady Viper is all, "I like a woman not afraid to hit a lady." I don't know what that's supposed to mean although it does give Huntress the chance to say, "You're no lady." Well, she's half-lady! The other half is snake. The bottom half is snake. I bet if I dated a snake lady and we hit it off and went back to her place and began to get busy, I would completely embarrass myself by not being able to find her cloaca.

Dinah, not wanting to be left out on the horrible battle one-liners, says to Copperhead, "Not so fast. Guys usually buy me dinner before the hugging part." Black Canary is such a hug prostitute!

During the fight, Lady Viper, Asp, and Copperhead escape with Santo. But Huntress kills Cottonmouth to save Jim Gordon's life. Batgirl is all, "Why did you do that?!" And Commissioner Gordon is all, "Thanks a lot, Batgirl! I love you too!" And then Jim Gordon slaps handcuffs on Huntress and arrests her for murder. Just kidding! That added bit of stupid comic book drama actually doesn't happen this issue! What a relief!

Oh, that Little Dinah growing up on the mean streets of Gotham story has been going on in the background but I've been ignoring it. It turns out that she became an expert at some kind of martial arts by the time she was sixteen and, when she finally let the pain of abandonment go, she developed her Sonic Scream. So I guess she didn't get it from Team 7? Maybe they just enhanced it by making her fuck Kurt Lance who had Super Power Enhancing Semen.

The Huntress leaves because it's always better to spend way too many issues on building trust between teammates than to have them trust each other too quickly. That would be too unbelievable! It makes more sense to spend five or six issues having the characters hate each other before they hug at the end. Or in Dinah's case, before she gets dinner bought for her and she hugs at the end.

The issue ends with Santo finding out that Fenice is an old lover of his. Not old as in elderly! Just old as in from the past! I guess that's a good enough shocker to end the issue on although it's mostly a big yawn for nearly everybody who isn't Santo.

The Ranking!
0! That means it's average! Not great. Not terrible. Just a comic book that people will like if they want to like it. Nothing spectacular going on here!

Batgirl #3

"Taste my thumb! TASTE IT!"

The Commentary!
• I used to write reviews of Batgirl in the voice of Batgirl writing her diary. I think it's only fair to Batgirl to let her take a stab at writing my diary for Thusday!

Dear Diary,
I have a penis! Look at my penis, Diary! It makes a lot of my decisions! Or stops me from making decisions, even! Basically every decision I make, the first question I have to ask is, "Will there be a possibility that somebody will gaze upon my flaccid member?" If there is then I don't do that thing! I mean, if they were going to look at my erect penis, no problem! It looks good! And, sure, sometimes my flaccid penis looks okay too! It looks normal adult-like! But sometimes, it looks like a little boy's penis! Not that I spend a lot of time looking at little boy penises! But I was a little boy once and sometimes I think my penis forgets that I'm not a little boy anymore! Sometimes it's like, "Here I am naked! Nothing remarkable or unremarkable to see here! Just a guy and his penis!" And then sometimes it's like, "Don't look at me! I look like the statue of David! Why couldn't the ideal flaccid penis size have remained the same as in Greek and Roman times! I'm a monster!" But luckily, this being Thursday, I didn't have to make any decisions like that!

AnySwayze, me and my penis woke up around four in the afternoon. We ate Burgerville for breakfast and then watched American Horror Story Hotel until about eleven at night. At first we were all, "I don't know if I'm going to care for this one. A hotel? Whatever!" And then I was all, "This one might be the best put together AHS series yet! I mean, if you like throats being slashed and butts. I'm pretty sure this season is 50% throats being slashed and 50% butts. It's pretty good!" Then I read a couple of comic books. Then I went to Taco Bell to get dinner because I am a mad nutritious eater. After that, I watched the first episode of Luke Cage and now I have a secret crush on Luke Cage. That motherfucker is one motherfucking charming motherfucker.

That's about all I did so far today! It's now four in the morning and I'm writing a diary entry in the voice of a girl obsessed with the idea that I have a penis. That is all!

• This issue begins with Batgirl knocked the fuck out because she got knocked out by The Moth. Batgirl might be great at kicking ass when she's fighting thugs in Gotham but she's not so great against professional fighters, it seems. I hope no professional fighters ever become Gotham criminals!

• When I use the word "thug", I'm using it in the comic book vernacular. That's a totally acceptable word to use to describe anybody Batgirl is kicking in the face. I am most certainly not using it like conservative politicians and their lackey talking heads use it! You know how they use it! They use it as a synonym for another word that I'm totally not going to type even though to type it in this context where I'm simply discussing it would certainly be appropriate! I'm even going to simply move on to something else before I make a wildly inappropriate joke about it!

• I didn't mean to suggest that I have a joke in mind! I just meant that I write these things in a stream of consciousness fashion and sometimes my unconscious speaks up louder than my conscious and before you know it, I've typed something truly terrible into the commentary! And apparently I love everything I write so much that I never use the backspace key.

• Speaking of the unconscious, I was dreaming last night the way that I dream every night. In my dream, somebody mentioned the word "stairs" in the title of something and I pictured a staircase before realizing that the person meant the word "stares". And in the dream, I thought about how that could happen when I was dreaming and realized that it totally made sense because my unconscious comes up with the dream and then surprises my conscious with it. So it's like my conscious mind is a little kid being read to be my unconscious mind. Then I continued to dream forgetting that I was dreaming.

My friend Paul once knocked himself out jumping off of a train trestle into a river. He almost drowned but was rescued by two teens doing mushrooms who were hanging out on the bank of the river. Afterward, he repeatedly asked me what happened. I was worried he was severely concussed so I asked him, "Do you know who you are?" He answered, "I'm Batman!" That's how I knew he was fine.

• Paul is the friend I mentioned previously who has only ever read three books in his life. Of course, he may have read more since high school. I should ask him! Although if he only read three in school, I can't imagine he really got interested in it afterward!

• Barbara learns that The Moth is deaf which was totally obvious to anybody who read last issue and who has also had an experience in their life where they completely embarrassed themselves by screaming at a deaf person because they were upset that the person wasn't paying any attention to them.

• Two girls come up to Babs after the fight and scream about how cool she was. I guess they love watching people get humiliated in the ring! I know I do!

• Barbara can't remember the fight because she got knocked out and she probably has a concussion. That's kind of how those things work. But apparently, in the world of comic books, she can remember the fight by purposely bypassing her short term memory to check the fight on her long term memory which is totally okay because she has that eidetic memory thing. Yeah, that's how that works! I mean, it might be! What am I? A neurologist? I don't even know how to spell that!

This translation isn't accurate. I don't see any punctuation in that tattoo! Stupid American rules about punctuation and quotation marks!

• For some reason, Batgirl realizes Kai is in danger. I thought he was on an airplane headed for China? I guess Batgirl wasn't knocked out long enough to miss him. I still don't know why she knows he's in danger! Just because The Moth had the same tattoo that the Sailor Geisha had? I guess her realization is better than suddenly seeing a news story on a television set in a department store window that was describing Kai being attacked by ninjas.

• Just as Batgirl surmised, The Moth, dressed up like a ninja, is attacking Kai! Or locked him in a closet, anyway. I guess she just wanted him to miss his flight?

• Batgirl punches The Moth out of a window of the skyscraper. I guess she assumed that The Moth could fly because her name is The Moth. Luckily, her assumption was right and The Moth glides to safety, even if it's by a completely insane circuitous route where she bounces off of a bunch of well-lit windows on her way to the ground.

• Barbara gets annoyed at Kai because he won't tell her that he's really a supervillain. I'm not saying he is one! But Babs only gets angry because he won't admit to being one.

• Batgirl does a lot of thinking in thought bubbles which makes her look way old. Doesn't she know that the cool thing to do is to think in Narration Boxes now? What an old timey loser!

• I actually prefer the thought bubbles. They make more sense. You never get a character using thought bubbles to think, "My name is Barbara Gordon. I'm Batgirl. You might remember me from television and comic books."

• Batgirl figures out what Kai is up to when some guy on the plane to Korea tries to sell her some probiotic additive. She realizes Kai is working with somebody who majored in bioencryption so he must be smuggling information in his gut flora! Or something. It totally made sense to Batgirl when she miraculously made the connections.

• Once in South Korea, Batgirl's first stop is to search The Moth's locker at the gym without a search warrant!

Yeah! What's a stupid blockheaded fighter doing learning science!? So suspicious!

• Batgirl heads over to the other location she was investigating due to the clues she was following so she could solve the mystery. But the only mystery she solves is The Case of the Batgirl Who Fell Into A Trap! But at least one of the Students setting the trap for her tells her where teacher is: Shanghai! But that's where Kai went! OH NO!

The Ranking!
0! I have no feelings at all for this issue. I didn't hate it or like it. I bet if I ran into the wall headfirst and completely forgot about having read it, I wouldn't feel any different than I do right now!

Batgirl #2

This hardly looks like Batgirl at all!

The Commentary!
At least for close to forever, I'm hanging up the Batgirl Diary entries. Here's the last bit I wrote to start this commentary before looking around for my Writer's Card to tear it up and shove it up my own ass. Luckily I was never issued one so my ass is still card-free.

Dear Diary,
Last night I had a sex dream that I was sexing this guy really good! It was my first time and I was understandably nervous about giving a good performance. Luckily, Josie Long was standing by the side of my bed giggling and giving me tips and encouragement. She was so cute that I stopped having sex and went out for coffee with her. Then I woke up and had to change my sheets in the dark before Kai woke up wondering why everything was moist and musky. I should set my alarm to wake up before Kai more often because I'm pretty sure he had an erection under the blankets! I mean, it could have just been the way the blankets were rumpled. But I'm going to choose to believe it was his penis straining to see my vagina as it leaked all over the bed.

I think I've written enough of these entries to get my point across. If you didn't know what my point was and don't want to read anything ever (no matter how hilarious it is), here it is: teenage girls think about sex. Most of the females who just read that are probably saying, "Der!", with one hand stuck down the front of their trousers. I think the other people who already totally had that information were really good-looking teenage boys.

Batgirl has found herself in Singapore with her totally platonic friend Kai. I guess "platonic friend" is defined as "the shadow on the wall of a friend who you can never really know and if you did, you'd probably be too horrified to be their friend." When I was in Singapore, I went on some quick bus tour to take us to the bar where the Singapore Sling was invented so we could get drunk on famous old timey drinks. Here was the tour guide's joke: Singapore! It is a fine city!" Then he laughed and explained how you get fined for everything. I wish he'd gotten fined for that joke.

Batgirl has decided that she wants to be different from all of the other superheroes so she has come up with an invention: the thought bubble!

Everything is not brand new! It's just clean because nobody can litter, spit, chew gum, spray paint walls, scuff their shoes, urinate in public, or cough too loudly without being fined or caned or worse!

The drone Batgirl is after was trying to spy on her and Kai in their hotel room. Oh my! Maybe they're less platonic than I realized! Why else would the drone be spying on them? To shoot video of them reading books on opposite sides of the hotel room?

Batgirl follows the drone back to its source and finds a guy jerking off in front of his computer with all the porn his drone went to the store to buy. Drones can do that? I've got to get a drone! I totally want to...oh! I see what he was doing! Just pretend all of the stuff I already typed was me trying to convince everybody that peeping is a terrible thing to do. I mean, it totally is! But it is a little exciting to see somebody naked in a window on accident! So I might be able to see how it would be exciting to have that happen not on accident too! Although, yes, yes, that's creepy and an invasion of privacy and not a cool thing to do, bro. But still exciting!

Batgirl remembers her memories to get her next lead on the "Kai attacked by Sailor Geisha" mystery. She remembers that Sailor Geisha had an awful tattoo on her left bicep in Chinese that meant "student". Why would anybody get that tattoo?! What do you do once you graduate and become a master?! Batgirl doesn't care about that. She just begins to wonder who the master is and if the master has a tattoo that says "Master". At least that one is probably pretty easy to turn into "Grandmaster".

Then Batgirl makes a face like somebody just stuck a finger up her butt.

Why did I scan that picture when the very first panel on the very next page is of Batgirl in the shower?! What a missed opportunity! But I guess I'll just have to live with my decision because I can't put two scanned pictures so close together. If you want to see Batgirl in the shower and then in a robe that's totally hanging open in nearly all of the right places, you'll have to get your own copy. Or just Google "Batgirl Rule 34". That might actually be better.

I just googled it. It's not! Maybe my Google is broken because it was a relatively mild selection of images. Is there a new SafeSearch setting? "On", "Off", and "No, Really, Turn It Off. I Want To See The Inside Of A Butthole"?

Babs has some research to do concerning Sailor Geisha even though Babs doesn't have any idea what that's about. Her friend Kai is in some kind of trouble and Fruit Bat, the Japanese Batgirl from the 40s, pointed Babs to a martial arts tournament in Singapore. Babs goes to sign up with a gym but the Cobra Kais turn her down because they're sexist dicks. That leaves Babs to find a gym run by a woman named May Hao. They're going to show those boys a thing or two! Did that sentence arouse anybody else?

Babs decides to go undercover in the mixed martial arts circuit and uses the alias "Amy Beddoes". That's her old Suicide Squad alias! I have nothing else to say about that!

Babs discovers Batgirl isn't as good at Mixed Martial Arts as she thought she was. So she trains for a bit in preparation for maybe getting into the tournament before heading back to the hotel where she finds Kai has upgraded them to a super expensive suite in a place called the Marina Bay Sands. I guess that's fancy? Now Babs is really suspicious of Kai because he just keeps showing more and more evidence that he's a super villain.

Possible super villain what now?

If fucking a super villain is good enough for Batman then it had damn better be good enough for Batgirl too! I hope Kai's super villain name is Catboy.

After kissing Kai, Barbara decides to overthink where their relationship is going for an entire week instead of just diving in and living life. One week of her life doesn't have to be fifty years! Trust your sexual arousal, Babs! Although when Kai says, "When I look at you, I see a whole future," my first thought is, "Whew! Good thing Babs didn't sleep with him!" The problem with ditching a guy who is enamored with you is that if you don't have sex with him, he'll continue to pursue you no matter how many times you tell him you aren't going to have sex with him. And if you do have sex with him, it just gets worse! Guys in love are impossible! It's like you're just going about your life and then suddenly you've stepped in a bear trap and you can't escape and that bear trap is some nerd who thinks you're made for each other! Although Kai is good looking enough to lose himself in a whole bunch of meaningless sexual conquests. The real trouble is when you're kind to a nerd who isn't charming and attractive and that nerd somehow gets his leechy mandibles attached to you. Good luck convincing some other female to take that bullet for you!

Friday comes around and Kai is preparing to leave for Shanghai while Babs still has some fighting and investigating to do. If she doesn't get her bell rung too hard at her fight against "The Moth," maybe she'll still have time to lose her virginity before Kai leaves. Or maybe she'll need to severely get her bell rung for that to happen?

Babs notices The Moth also has a student tattoo. She's found a new lead! Which is followed immediately by being knocked out in the ring and probably losing all respect in the Singaporean MMA community. Plus she'll probably still be unconscious as Kai's plane leaves. Oh well. Maybe Rebirth isn't the DC Universe for Babs to get laid in.

Batgirl and the Birds of Prey #1

I didn't realize Batgirl was only twelve.

The Review!
Who else thought the scene where Black Canary screamed at The Asp and drove him off was a reference to Crowther and Woods text adventure game, "Colossal Cave Adventure"? It totally probably wasn't, right? Although it'll be super exciting if Batgirl finds a black rod soon, if you get my meaning! If you don't get my meaning, you're probably too young to understand or too polite to acknowledge it. And I only mean you're too young to understand in that you don't even know what a text adventure game is let alone that the black rod was an item in the game much like a magic wand. If you're too young to get my double meaning, you probably only thought, "So you're hoping she gets some dick from a black guy?" Boy, times sure have changed! And speaking of change, Batgirl and the Birds of Prey has hardly changed at all! Batgirl is still battling female villains or villains that have stolen her identity! And she's still hanging out with Black Canary and pining for dick! I mean Dick! But now she's not being drawn as cutesy as she was when she lived on Burnside. Now she's drawn all punk rock and roll! Or something. I don't know how to get into the conversation about the art without sounding totally sexist so I'm just going to say: I love it! Whew! That totally proves I don't rely completely on my male gaze to inform all of my opinions!

The Commentary!
I was listening to Les Miserables (the musical, not the audio book nor my pet turtle, Les Miserables) last night while working which means I was also crying uncontrollably most of the time while working. But I decided (that means I thought something and just automatically assumed it's the truth because who has time to be wishy-washy in their own belief system?) that the academic upper middle class people love the song "Master of the House" so much because it's one of the few times they get to titter at lewdness. The lyrics in that song would normally be the kind of thing they'd refer to as lowbrow and turn up their noses at while stuffing caviar in their stupid judgmental faces. I'm currently shoving Sour Patch Kids in my stupid judgmental face! I wish fewer people weren't so afraid to be seen as stupid for liking lowbrow humor. Although I think the fact that somebody is afraid of looking stupid for laughing at lowbrow humor marks them as somebody who is stupid due to fearing to look stupid. When you're super smart like me, you look stupid all the time because you don't give a shit who thinks you're the genius you actually are!

This issue begins with Black Canary telling a story about her past where she stole lines from movies to seem cool.

I guess this is what the kids today call "referencing" and it's the height of wit. That was sarcastic unless your first reaction to it was "Don't you do shit like this all the time, Tess?"

Black Canary is remembering this old mission so Oracle can get some on-panel time and all of the Oracle fans can fangasm in their underwear which they'll subsequently have to sneak into the trash to avoid any embarrassing questions. I wish Suicide Squad #1 would have begun with Amanda Waller remembering back to the time Oracle helped the Suicide Squad with their missions! I only wrote that to show that I remember when Oracle was first created and that it wasn't with the Birds of Prey like too many people think. Also I'm stuffing caviar in my mouth right now and scoffing at everybody's ignorance.

But Batgirl's spine is better now so she can physically hunt down the bad guy with Black Canary now which is totally more exciting. Unless you're somebody who liked Oracle for representation reasons and would rather have Babs back in the wheelchair for your own issues and preferences. Seems kind of selfish to me! Us walkies have it so much better! Aside from the having to walk everywhere. What a hassle! And always being invited to join the neighborhood kickball team with all the way too excited people who think they're living the dream by playing a kid's game once every two weeks (while getting super drunk, of course!). And when I take the bus, it doesn't lower way down to the ground and drop a ramp for me! Stupid bus. People in wheelchairs have all the luck.

Batgirl and Black Canary are currently hunting for somebody who has stolen the Oracle identity because Batgirl can't stop battling people pretending to be her. But their one lead is currently being assassinated by Helena Bertinelli, aka The Huntress! So now they're engaged in an exciting motorcycle chase through the streets of Gotham which will probably wind up with their lead, Terroni, not assassinated and The Huntress joining their Birds of Prey project. Because you can't have a comic book called Batgirl and the Birds of Prey when you only have one Bird of Prey!

When they catch up to Terroni, he's dead from bites to the face. Nobody can tell by glancing in the car window what bit him to death so they just shrug their shoulders and leave his corpse in the crashed car to go find another lead. Maybe they're going to hack into the police morgue files later to get the autopsy results to find out if Ratcatcher had anything to do with this. Or Kobra. Or Squirrel Girl. Or maybe the lead just doesn't matter anymore because, you know, dead! But Helena leaves before they can tell her she's hot and she should join their hot girl club. Except their hot girl club isn't as hot as usual because Claire Roe is making a point to draw the characters in a totally punk rock way that makes them more real or something. I think Helena is actually too hot to hang out with these Birds.

Again!

Later that night, Babs and Dinah notice Bab's realtor breaking into Birds of Prey headquarters. But the realtor and the guy she's going to fuck in the clocktower she sold are frightened away by Bab's phone ringing from the bushes nearby. Dinah then shames Babs for using the default ringtone which isn't even a funny thing to tease a friend about. Am I just too old or clever to think that it's hilarious to rib your friends about not changing the ringtone? Especially since maybe it was a telemarketer calling and who changes their default ringtone to acknowledge calls you don't want to answer? Don't you want your phone to sound like every other phone when somebody you don't want to speak to calls so that you might not even notice it's your phone ringing and simply fail to answer it?

Babs didn't get a phone call anyway; she got a text. So what the fuck was Dinah going on about the ring tone for? Am I supposed to believe that people refer to the text alert sound as a ring tone as well? I have no idea! The only phone I carry with me is my work phone which is a twenty dollar burner that I someday hope to ditch when I never have to talk to clients again! I would never carry a cell phone on me, not because I'm old and hate technology. I love technology and, um, I'm not old! I just never want to be in immediate contact with anybody ever.

I should probably stop rambling about cell phones since I know nothing about them. I mean, I know how to catch Pokémon on them and how to feed Nekocats. But that's about it!

The text message Babs receives is from Oracle and it's the most terrible clue a super villain has ever sent to a super hero.

The Riddler should be personally offended by this message.

At least Dinah and Babs forgo the conversation where they point out it's probably a trap and then walk into the trap anyway. It's refreshing to see super heroes just go, "Fucker gave us a clue. Let's go kick his ass."

I don't know what to call them but you know those narration bits which declare the time or the location? In this issue, they've got a sidekick: the trying to be witty caption!

You did not say anything about tacky! You did mention there would be a petting zoo which made me envious so now I think you're calling me tacky?

Batgirl has chosen the role of vigilante and yet she still feels the need to voice her reasons for probable cause of entering the property unwelcomed! Batman would be so disappointed in her. You put on the mask for justice at all costs, not just justice by the rule and law of the land! You might as well leave the mask at home if you're concerned with jaywalking, speeding, breaking and entering, assault, and treason! Don't half-ass being a vigilante, Batgirl! It just gives a bad name to Vigilante!

I've noticed a lot of comic books love to have people add "so-called" to the front of words to turn them into insults even when it doesn't really make a lot of sense. But I think it's okay if I add it to "petting zoo" when I say this mob boss's "so-called" petting zoo has lions and tigers in it. I suppose that can still be regarded as a petting zoo but you probably won't be able to pet anything on your next visit to a petting zoo. Unless you allow "rubbing something with the stump of your wrist" as a legitimate definition of petting. I'm not ableist so I say sure! Why not?

Batgirl and the Bird of Prey discover that the Huntress has arrived at the zoo well before them and is already busy drowning the mob boss in the peeing boy fountain. Of course they have to stop her for her own good. It's okay to have an off-the-rails violent crazy person on the Birds of Prey but only if they keep her from committing murder directly before their eyes.

During the good guy scuffle, it's revealed that Helena knows Dick Grayson which causes Batgirl to go right off of her game because it's tougher to kick with swollen labia. I think. I don't know! I know I have a hard time kicking with a boner! I think. I'm not sure I ever tried it!

Black Canary must sleep on a George Foreman grill

A new player enters the fight who goes by the name The Asp. He travels around with a bunch of serpents and seems to be killing the same mob guys Helena wants to kill. Between Batman, the Bat-Competition, other crime families, and super villains, it's got to be tough being a mobster in Gotham.

The Asp is screamed away which is totally the way I handle encounters with snakes too! So I guess I've been doing it right. Everybody then finds out that some guy named Fenice is causing trouble in the Gotham crime scene and he's a client of Oracles. So The Huntress asks if Batgirl and Black Canary want to work alongside her murdering ass. I bet they say, "Sure! But no more murdering! We can forgive attempted murder which probably means you've murdered in the past. But since we didn't see actual murder, you're probably a good enough good guy for us! Besides, we need a second bird for our Birds of Prey. Can you maybe change your name to Swallow? *snicker*"

Batgirl and The Huntress discuss their terms for working together.

Batgirl: "You're a doody faced doody eater!"
Huntress: "At least I've had Dick in me!"
Batgirl: "So what if I'm a vir...wait a second! Was that dick capitalized?!"
Huntress: "Fifty Shades of Grayson!"
Batgirl: "Why did you...that doesn't even make sense?!"
Huntress: "But it's a reference! The kids love references!"
Batgirl: "Well if I'm going to work with you, you can't look hotter than me or Grump Canary!"
Black Canary: "Hey!"
Huntress: "Even on my worst days, I can't help looking better than you!"
Batgirl: "Well, if I say 'dibs' on a guy, you can't try to take him from me!"
Huntress: "Fine! Like I'd be so desperate that I'd take the one guy you dibsed!"
Black Canary: "Actually, she dibs every guy she sees. No, wait. She 'batdibs' every guy she sees."
Huntress: "Whatever. Fine! I promise not to fuck any guys you've ever laid eyes on (since that's all the laying you'll get anyway), and you promise to not lay eyes on the people I kill!"
Batgirl: "Um, deal!"

Oh hey! Here's the advertisement for the new Cyborg comic book. In my commentary for Suicide Squad Rebirth #1, I said, "Speaking of heroes, there's an advertisement for a twice monthly Cyborg book starting in September. DC Comics is still trying to make Cyborg interesting?! Hasn't Cyborg been given enough chances?! Unless this new book is about how he's sleeping with tons of women due to his new wrist attachment, I'm not interested!" I don't remember if this was the same picture in that first advertisement but if it was, how did I not notice that he does indeed have the new wrist attachment?!

Cyborg? More like Cyborgasm, amirite?!

Black Canary's argument for Huntress joining the team is that she's an extra set of fists. Ooh la la! My male gaze just came in its pants!

Black Canary tells Huntress that she has to tell them her name to join the team but Huntress refuses and Black Canary decides to just call her The Cuntress. I'm sure Babs can just call Dick and find out. Then she can call Huntress "Helena" in the middle of a fight and Helena will become flabbergasted and get punched in the face by Oracle and everybody will laugh. Except Huntress! And the people still angry that I called her The Cuntress!

The Asp goes running back to Fenice who is a woman in a dress that looks like feathers. That's probably because Fenice means Phoenix or something in some language I'm not interested in. That's not an insult to whatever language it is! I'm just not interested in any language! I wouldn't even bother with English if I had my druthers! Although English has some great words like "druthers" and "cunt". So the Birds of Prey are already getting thematic enemies as well as enemies acting like Batgirl and all of them being female to boot! It's just like all the Batgirl stories since The New 52 began! That wasn't a positive or negative criticism. It was just a fact!

Batgirl #1

Dear Diary!
Guess who's in Japan?! If I said I was drunk on beers I snuck out of a vending machine down on the corner, would that be a hint?! I've been sitting on the toilet for the last hour spraying my butthole with warm water while trying to learn the language. So far I've learned how to say neko, usagi, and risu, just in case I needed to describe the animals following me around because I'm a goddamned princess! I also learned that my butt was oshiri so that I could describe, in Japanese, what I was doing while trying to learn Japanese. Then I decided a good way to say fart would be to say oshiri kaze because I already knew, being a practical genius, that kamikaze meant divine wind. I'm still learning, Diary, so don't tell anybody I said any of these things because people who actually know how to speak Japanese will probably shake their heads and judge me for being such a cute and whimsical moron!

Learning Japanese isn't all I've been doing! I've also been masturbating furiously because warm water shooting up my butthole feels way better than I ever thought it could! I think I'm one of those people who is into butt-stuff! It's so true that you learn a lot about yourself when you travel! But when I can manage to drag myself out of my hotel room bathroom, I've been having a huge adventure! Want to hear about it, Diary? Of course you do! You love hearing the adventures of a grown ass woman hopefully right up at the edge of the cusp of losing her sexual innocence! That's nice girl talk for getting fucked right in the vagina! I should probably practice talking like a bad girl because I am so ready to be bad! Not that having sex or not having sex is good or bad! I mean, I'm sick of not having sex so I guess, for me, not having sex is bad. Really bad! So bad my vagina has turned blue! I'm afraid it might turn black soon and fall off if it doesn't get some of that Vitamin D!

Oh! So anySwayze, my Japanese adventures! I'll try not to fetishize my adventures as being somehow more mystical and magical than normal Gotham adventures because I don't want to be racist by loving something too much! That's apparently almost as bad as being racist for hating something too much! I'll keep my love of Japan within socially acceptable limits! Although what the fuck (I'm going to start writing "fuck" in you a lot more, Diary! It's in preparation for being a super satisfied woman who fucks!) is up with the Japanese love of Pachinko?! That shit is nuts! I suppose it isn't too different from slot machines, really. And kind of more entertaining. Plus you can win toasters and blenders and curling irons! Most of them with Hello Kitty painted on! Ooh! Did I sound British just then?! I'm International Batgirl now!

Ready to meet 100% of the Japanese men who want to initiate her into the wonders of the non-self-induced orgasm!

Diary, do I think about sex too much? I think I think about sex too much! But I think I only think about sex too much because I haven't had any yet! I bet once I have sex, I'll be all, "So that's what that's about! That's pretty terrific and all and I can see why I'd want to do it again (a lot!) but now I can concentrate on things that aren't sex because I finally know what it feels like!" I wonder if I already knows what it feels like anyway, Diary? I mean, how different can it feel to have a penis inside your vagina over a carrot?

I just grossed myself out! Why did I stick a carrot inside of me?! That's a goddamned dirty root vegetable! I should have used a cucumber! Ugh! My vagina is so dirty! I need to go wash it off with the Japanese spritzing toilet now! Be right back!

Wow. Okay! I'm back! And ready to concentrate fully on telling my story which, I have to say, I'm slightly disappointed revolves around me fighting a bad girl in a sailor scout school uniform wearing Geisha makeup. I mean, come on, Japan?! Can you be any more cliché?!

But let me start at the beginning! I don't want to start like a crappy comic book where I start with some exciting action and then, two pages in, go back to the boring ass beginning of the story and tell it in a linear fashion until I get to the part where I started and should have kept going in the first place! I'd rather just start at the beginning boring of the story because my vagina didn't think that part was so boring at all! I got to the hostel I was staying at and discovered my roommate was a man! I resisted sitting directly on his face which is a good thing because I probably wouldn't have recognized him if I'd done that. But I didn't sit on his face and I did recognize him: Kai! You don't know Kai, Diary, because I've never written about him in you. I think I wrote about him in the you before you which wasn't you but was still my Diary. I think The Joker stole that Diary or something. I'm pretending to forget (since, you know, I don't forget anything. What a shit existence!).

I sat on Kai's bed right up against him as I explained to him why I was in Japan while ruining my underwear.

I didn't become a cop! I became a hero! Kind of the same thing. But that probably means Kai became a...super villain! I should pay more attention to the foreshadowing in my life!

Kai's sister became the cop and my brother became the serial killer. Did that mean Kai was also a serial killer?! I didn't want to know! At least not until my vagina had asked his penis what it's been up to all of these years! Hopefully getting good at sexing! I mean, we were already sharing a room. We were practically already doing it! Plus we had drinks later!

You might think you know where this is going, Diary. But never forget! My vagina seems to be made of Penisbane. And even when my vagina seems to be doing everything right, fate steps in and gives my future vagina ruiner food poisoning! ARG! I'm like Charlie Brown and fate is Lucy and every time I try to sit on a cock, fate pulls it out from under me!

Okay, okay, Diary! I'm getting to the adventure! The totally normal adventure that wasn't super exciting simply because it was set against the backdrop of Japan! So Kai and I went to this super important Japanese festival thing the next day. I wanted to meet Fruit Bat and ask her about being a superhero like eighty years ago. Kai wanted to take some pictures and get into trouble. And he did! He was attacked by that person I mentioned earlier who was wearing a schoolgirl uniform and wearing clown makeup! I mean Geisha makeup! Oh boy! I didn't mean to be insensitive to the cultural traditions of the mystic land I was a guest in! I just meant it wasn't put on well at all! A Geisha would have been embarrassed to be seen in that makeup! And not normal embarrassed where they giggle behind a fan! Like, really embarrassed where they run from the room and commit seppuku!

I'm so embarrassed I said this out loud! At least I didn't post it on Twitter! I'd have been flayed alive!

So this is the part where it gets exciting because nobody called me out on the Sailor Clown line which shows so much insensitivity to the culture that I should probably just delete my Twitter account on principle. Sailor Clown (I can say that in my Diary! Because, come on, it was a pretty good line!) was about to get away from me when she was stopped by...drum roll...Fruit Bat! Holy Moses! She's 104 years old and she's still fighting crime! From that day forward, I vowed to tell everybody that Batgirl was based on Fruit Bat and not Batman!

Fruit Bat drives away Sailor Clown and, before Fruit Bat collapses back in her wheelchair, I managed to get a few words with her! She told me to forget about my past which is totally convenient because I feel like Burnside was another universe and I've got to begin a new universe with a clean slate and a clean vagina! It felt like my Rebirth! I need to stop obsessing over my past and begin seeking out my future! I was finally going to get laid! Plus I learned about a mixed martial arts tournament in Singapore that I totally figured I could win.

Later that day, Kai came back to the room and was all, "You're Batgirl!" And I was all, "What?! Ha ha! Crazy! No way! Um, what?!" And he was all, "I totally guessed it because you live in Gotham and Batgirl lives in Gotham and now you're in Japan and Batgirl is in Japan! And at the same festival!" And I was all, "Farts! Why do I make this shit so obvious?!" But then I also thought this amazing thought: "Kai and I have known each other a long time and he seems to be in trouble and I'm a hero and what always happens to a hero who gets mixed up with a person who is always in trouble? ROMANCE! I'm going to have a romantic relationship with somebody who is totally wrong for me!" And so I invited Kai to Singapore with me!

Oh, vagina! We are so goddamned close!

The Review!
My comic book is the best comic book. I mean, this comic book is so great it's greater than all of the other comic books ever. I mean, did you see her butt in some of those panels? It's delicious, isn't it?! So hot! I would do me. I mean her! If you buy one comic book per month, buy Nightwing. But if you buy two, get Batgirl too! Then stack the two comic books together! But not like normal! Make them 69! Oh yeah. That's good comic book stacking.

Batgirl and the Birds of Prey Rebirth #1

My male gaze is so hard right now.

The Commentary!
The New 52 Birds of Prey was a really terrible book. Apparently Gail Simone called it "The Birds That Craps." That seems a little too witty for something Gail Simone would come up so I tend to believe Gail Simone when she says she never called them that. Although I think Gail Simone should apologize anyway instead of "Fact Policing" people. How dare she tell somebody that they believe stupid things that couldn't possibly be factual since who would know better than Gail Simone if she said it? That's a bit presumptuous! I did call the New 52 Birds of Prey "The Turds of Prey" though because I'm as hilarious as a twelve year old farting during music class.

I kind of hope this comic book is terrible too so that I can call it Batgirl and the Turds of Prey! Ha ha! Still funny!

Batgirl begins this issue by pissing me off. She's all, "I'm back from training overseas! Read it about it in my solo comic book which comes out tomorrow! I don't know why DC didn't schedule that book to be published before this book! I guess because DC is full of dum-dums!" Okay, maybe part of that quote was from the Editor, Chris Suckerfuck. I made up the last name because Chris was too stupid to put his or her last name in the Asterisk Information Box.

Batgirl shows off her new overseas training by explaining to herself (who else would she be Narration Boxing to? Not the reader, certainly! That would mean schizophrenic!) why she's using the different moves she's using. She explains why she kicks a guy in the jaw: because she stepped in dog shit earlier and she finds it funny. She explains why she punches a guy in the tits: because most men are self-conscious if they have flabby pectorals and she finds humiliating them funny. She explains why she sweeps the leg of another thug: because Sensei Kreese said to.

After beating up the thugs, Barb snoops around on one of their phones because she doesn't have to worry about search and seizure laws. It's the best part about being a vigilante! I mean, after all the sweet poontang. Not that Barbara Gordon is taking advantage of that perk. She thinks she's too smart to have a penis inside of her. And she probably is because who wants to fuck somebody dumber than themselves? I can barely talk to people dumber than me although that doesn't stop me from talking with the Non-Certified Spouse's sister. Oh! Burn, Lindsey! You loser! But seriously! Who wants some troglodyte poking around in their lady caves? Barbara Gordon is so smart she'll never find anybody to have sex with. Especially since she kind of ruined her relationship with Lucas Fox who might have been at least close enough to her intelligence to bang. So I guess she's going to have to stick to her Bat-Back-Massager and her Bat-Bathtub-Tap.

Great! More Batgirl imposters! Can't she battle anybody at all who isn't trying to be her? Like she's so fucking special!

Batgirl seems surprised that, yet again, somebody is pretending to be her. Or at least a version of herself that she used to be. She says, "I guess in my case, the past is apparently prologue." Isn't that the case in everybody's case? I mean, my past came before now and I think now is the main story, so the past must be the prologue. Unless this second is just the prologue to my sudden fame and fortune! And then my past is apparently pro-prologue!

Because this is Rebirth, Barbara Gordon needs to straighten out her history for all of the continuity nerds dying to learn which stories they've read have now been relegated to the dustbin and thus were a huge waste of time. Too bad for a lot of people, one of those stories wasn't The Killing Joke. Since that's the one that got the wheelchair rolling on the whole Oracle thing, I suppose it has to be the first major story declared canon in Batgirl's Rebirth.

The Joker shot Barbara Gordon in the spine to make Gordon and Batman feel bad. I suppose he wanted Barbara to feel bad too but he didn't really know her that well, so he just shot her in the spine and left her for dead (after taking naked pictures of her) before taking her father to the amusement park to sodomize him while little people in fetish leather danced around singing. I don't really remember The Killing Joke that well but I think I got the gist of it. Barbara wound up in a wheelchair and since, according to Babs, Gotham wasn't made for the disabled (only the mentally ill apparently!), she decided to help fight crime with her brains! And a computer too! Mostly the computer.

Oh, so we're going to pretend that she didn't work for the Suicide Squad first? Are we just erasing Ostrander's creation of Oracle from DC History? Way to go, jerkbros!

Don't worry, John Ostrander! I still remember that you created Oracle no matter what everybody else is being told to believe!

Anyway, the Birds of Prey were formed (probably the Preboot Birds and not the New 52 Turds. Might as well use the well written history and not the confusing mess by Swierczynski) until Barbara regained the ability to walk through experimental brain surgery. Then Dinah flounced off annoyed, went on tour, ruined the careers of several musicians and even more venue owners, and then quit music forever to go fuck Oliver Queen in Seattle. I guess she only does that on the weekends though because she needs to spend the weekdays with the new Birds of Prey in Gotham.

Bo Maeve and the old Black Canary band are back in town to play Burnside so that Burnside Tofu doesn't go out of xerox. That's my clever way of saying "out of print" for a fanzine! Totally genius commentary on the punk lifestyle of the zinesters! Because of Bo's word balloon during the concert, I don't know if Black Canary kept the name Black Canary or changed it to Black Tuna. Oh fuck how I hope they changed it!

Barb finds Dinah at the concert and brings her back to her place. Ohhhhh, my male gaze is getting excited!

I hope nobody notices the clock never moves past 8:29 and realizes there must be no gears behind it which could only mean it's the lair of a superhero!

Black Canary decides to help under the name of the Birds of Prey but just for one night! She doesn't want a repeat of the last time where they were called Turds of Prey by that hilariously snarky but super intelligent and perceptive critic. Their first step is to track down the person passing around the information from Oracle to the mob bosses. Their second step should be killing Batgirl so nobody else can steal her memories and cause all this fucking trouble.

Meanwhile, The Huntress (the new Helena Bertinelli version and not the old version. Although this is Rebirth so just forget about all of the versions except for this one) is killing mobsters and the next one on her list is the one the Birds of Prey are going after. I bet this is how they meet! I hope Helena gets her chocolate in Dinah's peanut butthole.

"That's it! Everybody get naked!" No?

Helena makes sure Black Canary and Batgirl know that Helena knows their names. That should make them trust her! They won't think she's Oracle at all now!

Meanwhile, Oracle sits in front of a bunch of computer screens just like every other villain in Rebirth has done so far. I guess he's just another Doctor Ozymanhattandias.

The Review!
I don't know what to think about this comic book yet. This is obviously just the part of the story where the members of the future Birds of Prey are simply being gathered in one place so that they can say, "Hey! We should all be members of the Turds of Prey again! Nobody tell Katana! We don't want her murdering hundreds of people when she blows up another hotel like last time!" The main reason I'm not sure about it is that nothing really happens. Comic books tend to spend way too much time on prologue. They should just get right to the part where these three come together hunting the same person and start from there! That should be Page One! But instead I have to read all this bullshit about how they formed. I don't like the getting to know each other bullshit! I like the bullshit where they're already good friends who don't mind walking around the apartment in front of the others in their panties!

Batgirl #52

I think Batgirl just got stung in the face by a wasp.

The Review!
One day, Mary Sue was sitting down for lunch after her morning lecture, "Do Not Think of the Transporters as Suicide Machines or People Replicators." She was desperate for a big, fat, juicy sausage. Her lips were watering just thinking about sliding a huge sausage into the proper orifice. You know the one! The one that enjoys sausages! Did you see me winking as I typed that? Cadet Jenkins McElroy wandered into the canteen and picked up an empty tray that would soon be loaded with sausages of his own. And probably some eggs and toast and maybe beans since Star Fleet was an amalgam of all cultures, even the weird ones that eat beans for breakfast. "Hey, Mary Sue! What's going on?" asked Jenkins with his sausage hole. "Ohhhhhh," moaned Mary Sue because Star Fleet uniforms were so tight that she could totally see Jenkins was hiding a sausage in the appropriate place for guys to have sausages. "Oh Mary Sue! You kidder!" said Jenkins not understanding what was going on at all because he was a virgin and he had never heard a sex moan before. I have heard them a lot which is why I know that they sound like "Ohhhh!" And if you don't think that's what a sex sound sounds like, you probably read it incorrectly and should read it the way it really sounds. You should also read it out loud and record it and email me the recording but only if you're a female because I don't want to hear a guy doing a sex sound. I've heard that enough! I mean because I've heard my own sex sounds all those times I've done it a lot! Now I forgot where I was in the story. I think Mary Sue fell asleep satisfied and full of sausage or something.

The Commentary!
Dear Diary,
I am a sham! A lousy, good-for-nothing sham! I'm not the virgin you thought I was! I can't keep my deep, dark secret any longer! I'm a different virgin! Ha ha!

Here's the thing, Diary! I don't want to be superhero! I want to be a stand-up comedian! I can take the stage name Oracle and tell jokes about my vagina! "My vagina is like a greyhound bus! A lot of people have spent a lot of miserable time inside of it! OH!" Then the audience members will look at each other and wink and say things like "She bangs a lot!" and "She's talking about doing it!" Here's another joke I'm working on: "So the other day, Mary Sue--that's what I call my vadge--was all, 'Let's fuck that guy over there!' And I was all, 'That's a lamppost!' And Mary Sue was all, 'I know!'" Okay, so I need to work on my material! But that's the problem. I'm spending all of my time being a superhero and no time writing super funny jokes to tell while standing up!

Oh! I wonder if that's why The Joker shot me in the spine! He didn't want any competition so he made sure I couldn't stand up or be funny due to having been traumatized! That guy!

Another thing I've been super busy with is hanging around with my new girl crew. We call ourselves the Pussy Patrol. Well, I do! They want to call themselves the Birds of Prey but I'm like, "The only bird in this group is Black Canary!" And then Bluebird was all, "Hey! Bitch!" And I was all, "Also isn't it kind of degrading to refer to ourselves as 'birds'? And isn't it a little violent to think of ourselves as birds who eat other birds? Oh wait! I just got that! It's a cunnilingus reference! Uh oh. Mary Sue is hulking out!"

So the other night, I was hanging with the Pussy Patrol when we heard that Gladius was holding the kids of Gotham Academy hostage! I was all, "We have to save them even if I'm already super busy trying to balance my social life, my family life, my career life, my imaginary love life, my Mary Sue hygiene life, and my superhero life!" And Wonder Woman was all, "Tell me about it, sister! So difficult! OH HOW I WANT A BABY SO BADLY!" But Admiral Grump Canary was all, "It's a trap!" And Vixen was all, "Does anybody have any wacky nose pep?" See, because she's a model and they all do that, right? I don't know! I'm a drugs virgin too, okay?! And the Spoiler was all, "And it turns out, she was really a guy!" And Blackbird was all, "I was in the middle of getting my head shaved when you called! I mean, that must be the explanation of my hair style, right? Nobody would really go around with half of their head shaved when they're trying to keep a secret identity, you know?!" But I was all, "Don't worry, Pussies! I have a plan! Dun dun dun DUN!"

My plan was basically to go in and kick butt but they didn't need to know it was that simple! Mostly I could call it a plan because I knew a secret way into the library where the kids were being held. Which probably didn't matter so much because we were still walking into a trap. Why do heroes always walk into traps when they know they're traps? I think most of the time we just say we know something is a trap so if it turns out to be a trap, we can be all, "I knew it!"

Ugh. What the hell are you wearing, Grump Canary?!

The plan took a terrible turn when I confronted Gladius and said, "You're surrounded!" But the Pussy Patrol were all standing behind me because some people don't know how to follow plans! How embarrassing! Now all the kids at Gotham Academy think I don't know the definition of surrounded!

Maybe nobody noticed because almost immediately, Gladius went all Boss Battle on us! She grew four more arms and they were all wielding swords and she was all, "Now get in to melee combat with me and don't you dare try to attack me with ranged weapons!" So most of the Pussy Patrol were all, "Okay!" And I was left to spit out that little cloud of air like they do in Mangas when a character is exasperated! Even Bluebird closes in on Gladius and she uses electricity guns! They're not Tasers because those are trademarks and she makes her own versions which she hasn't named yet. Unless she has and I wasn't paying attention because I was thinking of some way to get a dick up in Mary Sue.

AnySwayze, I was all, "Let me show them how it's done! I'll impress them all with my ranged attack skills by taking out Gladius's remote control of her mechanical arms from a ranged distance down range!"

Why is my memory so good?! Now I'll never forget this embarrassing verbal flub!

So it turned out Gladius wasn't exactly Gladius! She was just pseudo-Gladius! The real Gladius went running off looking for the Negahedron which is some thing that does something bad or something. I know I have an eidetic memory but sometimes things are so boring I just never really pay attention when I first learn about them.

Since the Pussy Patrol worked as a team all night, I decided to send them all home so I could take down Gladius all by myself! Mostly because Gladius had taken off on a fire engine and I wasn't about to bring Vixen and Grump Canary along with me. What firefighter would look at me when Grump Canary's everything is hanging out of her fishnets and Vixen is acting like she's on the catwalk (also probably walking like a cat because of her powers)?

Damn it! I'll remember this flub forever too! What is wrong with my speech capabilities?! Luckily none of the hot studs they use for the calendars which I totally don't rub Mary Sue on were around to hear me.

After the adventure, I ended up at my surprise going away party. Wait. What? Where am I going away to?! I didn't know I was going away! What's going on here?! Who's messing with my mind and my life?! Why is my world always changing around me without my consent?! Life is terrible!

Dark Knight Universe Presents: Batgirl #1

What the fuck is happening here?

The Review or Whatever!
During DK III: The Master Race #4, Batman gave Carrie Kelley a mission and a graduation present. It looks like the graduation present was the awful pink and green Batgirl costume. Is that really a present? "Here! Have a costume that's even more ridiculous than the Pederast's Dream Robin outfit!" You know how Batman action figures have names like "Arctic Batman" and "Jungle Batman"? I think the card on the original Robin action figure should read "Pederast's Dream Robin". Anyway, the mission was to deliver some drugs to Aquaman. It's mostly a mystery as to why Aquaman needs the drugs, or why he was waiting so patiently for them, or why he decided to take Batgirl under the sea with him after the delivery, or why Batgirl's costume is the color of Easter Bunny vomit.

This story is a metaphor for hard work! To succeed in life, one must be willing to break at least one bone in the body of each and every one of your competition. No wait! The breaking of bones is probably a metaphor as well! Although I think making "selling drugs" a metaphor for "hard work" makes me think maybe I'm pulling at the wrong thread. That's a metaphor too!

Oh wait! I think I got it!

Batman gives drugs to Carrie which leads her on a troubled journey beneath the sea which is an obvious metaphor for dropping acid and taking a trip through ones own subconscious! Aquaman probably represents Carrie's worst thoughts about herself. The only thing Aquaman can truly be a metaphor for is a person's low self-esteem. To really get at the roots of this psychedelic experience (OH! That's why the costume's colors!), we'll have to wait until the story is continued since it ends with Batgirl about to slip beneath the waves of her rational mind.

Batgirl #51

What a fucking waste, Babs! Throwing away beautiful Doc Martens like that while children in India are running around barefoot! Probably!

The Review!
Barbara Gordon isn't so much learning that as a woman living in modern times, she can't have it all so much as she's learning that as a woman living in modern times, she has to fret and worry about how she can't have it all. Myself, I think she's being too dramatic. But that's the whole point! Batgirl's life needs drama just when everything seems to be working out. She has great friends. She has a boyfriend. She has a business. She's a super hero. She's making a strong go of living on her own as an adult. The issue of children and family hasn't even been brought up yet and she's already breaking down! Perhaps I'm being too sensitive to this "working woman struggling with balance in her life" story because of how browbeatingly awful it's been used in the Finches' Wonder Woman comic book. But I feel like female characters are being forced to be too introspective about how much of their life they're giving up by choosing to be a superhero. It would be one thing if Bruce Wayne were the only character able to run a business, "raise a kid", and be a hero because he obviously gave up on having a normal family when he was eight. Plus the "raise a kid" part is in quotes since I don't think it counts as raising a child if you put him in a garish costume and keep him up all night risking his life. Batman is DC's favorite son, so even if Batman had a perfect relationship, he would be an anomaly because he's the motherfucking Batman. But what about Aquaman? He has it all! No, wait. I don't think I count him as a "superhero". He's more of a joke in a stupid costume. But Superman of Lois and Clark! He's got it all, right?! Unless he doesn't have a job. Does Clark White have a job? I don't remember!

Um, anyway, whatever the case with everybody's lives in the DC Youniverse, it doesn't seem like the male characters have to eat their fucking hearts out worrying about the situation. Batgirl's solution by the end of this comic book is to give her job as president of Gordon Green Gassy Electric to Alysia. That's a good solution because who wants to see Batgirl have a day job anyway? What a bore! She also decides to take some time away from Luke which is okay by me too for the same reason! What a bore! Batwing has never been sexy or exciting! Besides, his suit makes him look fat. Ultimately, Barbara will wind up spending more time with her friends as Batgirl which is really all I want from this comic book anyway. And maybe some sexy slumber parties!

Batgirl #50

Frankie is looking HAWT.

The Review
I really love Batgirl of Burnside and for some reason, I didn't have it in the highly recommended category on my review site. Or whatever I call it. Must reads? Best of DC? Books with the perkiest tits? Anyhow, it's one of my favorites and I've rectumified the error.

The Commentary
Dear Diary,

Today I filled in a crossword puzzle with only the word penis, and a sudoku with only little images of cocks. I did this at the laundromat with a magazine I found lying near the washer I was using. I needed to do laundry because I sniffed the gusset on every single one of my underpants and all of them smelled like I had just come back from programming class staring at the hot guy three seats up and four seats over who has a pleasant habit of touching his crotch while he thinks through a logic problem. I don't know if that's actually a pleasant habit but I know I enjoy watching it because he's totally doing it subconsciously so I feel like I'm spying on something nasty. Sometimes I think of asking him out and putting his hand in my lap and saying, "Write a program to determine the least number of moves a person can make to win at Checkers if their opponent moves their far right-hand piece first." Oh god, I feel tingly! Why don't I just have the balls to ask him--or anybody!--on a simple fuck date!

I wonder if Steph or Harper eat pussy?

I am so pent up!

Look at this rear end! How has no tongue ever tracked it's way across my butthole, over my taint, and straight on til morning?!

Why can't I be as popular with the boys as I am with supervillains, whackjobs, and serial killers?! I don't even mind if a guy just wants me for my hot perky bod! I'm sick of guys going after me for my mind, like that one guy whose name I can't remember when I first got to Burnside or that other guy whose name I can't remember because he's been stealing all of my memories or that other guy who was a cop but I fucked up my chance with him. And before that, the only people after me were women! That was weird. And hot in a way. I don't know if I really want to kiss another woman but I wouldn't mind some oral sex from one. That's not Batgay, is it?

Oh, I remembered the name of the guy whose ass I kicked yesterday! The Fugue! More like the Fugly, amirite, Diary?! That creep went through my underwear drawer, so he had to pay!

We should start a band named Hawt Bitches. We would all have cool nicknames like Bootyspread, Grumpfuck, Virgin Slut, Accidental Blowjob, and Electric Bungholelube. It would be like the girl version of Gwar! Except instead of blood and violence, we'd shower the audience with nudity and sex juices! Also maybe blood and violence since Black Canary--I mean Grumpfuck!--will be in the group.

Fugue thought up this overly complicated plan to murder thousands of people and blame it all on me. What's up with Gotham Baddies trying to ruin my sparkling--if too pure--reputation?! What the poop did I do?! It's a good thing I had the girl band with me to take out Fugue's allies while I dealt with him. It's like I have my own little Batfamily of hawt little super sluts!

Electric Bungholelube took out Killer Moth by grasping his goo gun and turning it around on him, spraying the sticky ejaculate all over his body until he couldn't move. Ugh! I'm so jealous!

Accidental Blowjob was up against the Jawbreakers which, now that I've written it down, is totes fitting! I saw the recordings of the fight and at one point, Accidental Blowjob says, "It looks like I'm gonna have my hands full down there." Oh man! Why didn't she say "mouth" instead of "hands"?! I mean, I know why she didn't. Because she doesn't know I've been calling her Accidental Blowjob. Although if she knew, she'd probably just smile and laugh and say, "Oh yeah! I would totally accidentally blow a guy! Probably when I was just going to shake hands or something!"

Or Accidental Blowjob! Maybe the Purple Peepee Eater?

Accidental Blowjob and Electric Bungholelube wound up having to battle Corporal Punishment as well as the Jawbreakers. Christ, even without my silly sexy codenames, this adventure I just had sounds like a porn movie. Corporal Punishment? What was she planning on doing? Putting Batman over her knee? Bane already did that! HA!

Not that Accidental Blowjob and Electric Bungholelube couldn't take care of a simpleton like Corporal Punishment themselves but I still sent Bootyspread along to help. And by "sending Bootyspread", of course I meant Bootyspread hacked into the Gotham Police Department and took control of one of their Batman Robots! We've actually begun calling Bootyspread "Operator" which doesn't really help tone down the porniness of the story.

Bootyspread might need to work on her one-liners.

Fugue spread some video of me telling everybody to meet on the bridge so he could blow it up and kill them all. Not only is he trying to blame me for his massacre, he also made me say "an historic"! Ugh! Pee-yuke! What a pretentious twat! Farts! I hope nobody remembers this and goes around thinking I talk like that!

Grumpfuck was given the task of battling Velvet Tiger and just thinking about it has me all steamy in the underpants. Now those are women! I can't imagine ever being old enough to feel like a real woman like Black Canary or Velvet Tiger! I imagine they meet a man and they take his cock in hand and they know exactly what to do with it and where to put it and when to put it there! I would be all, "Does it go in here yet? How about now? What about in here? Can it go in here first and then in here or would that be gauche and unsanitary?!" I imagine there were at least three orgasms during the battle of Grumpfuck and Velvet Tiger!

In the end, Fugue's entire plan was just to rob a bank. Well, that didn't stop my plan of kicking his ass from going on as, um, planned! Yeah!

Oh my god. I give myself such a huge boner!

Oh, and by the way, Diary, I started my own business! Well, "my own" if you forget about Luke Fox being my "partner". I hope he doesn't have any hangups about sex between coworkers! Or about coworkers masturbating on his office chair after hours while smelling the musk from the t-shirt he left in his locker in the corporate gym!

Batgirl #49

Tempest?

Rating: No change.

Dear Diary,
For the past few weeks, I've had this big time jerk rooting around in my memories while I slept! I hope he wasn't rooting around in anything else, the perv! Luckily I don't have any memories of doing it with anybody! How embarrassing that would have been! Although I do have memories of masturbating furiously in my sleeping bag in sixth grade camp while thinking about how Tony Gagliore rubbed up against while he was getting his lunch tray! I hope Fugue didn't sell that memory to anybody because it would probably get big bucks! Although I'm underage in the memory so that's gross. Does it count as child pornography if I remember myself at an earlier age doing dirty things to myself?! I hope not because that memory of Tony rubbing up against me still does it for me! Hmm, now that I have my memories back, I seem to remember the water pressure in this apartment is sexy. I'll be back later to tell you about the big fight the girls and I had with Fugue!

P.S. That memory really does do something to me! You wouldn't believe the swamp I made in my underwear, Diary! Eww! But "Eww!" in a good way! BIG MANGA WINK!

Batgirl #48

Great. Grump Canary is back.

Rating: No change.

Dear Diary,
I am such an idiot! I'm not talking about my loss of memories or, even while amidst this memory problem, believing my memories over my friends when it came to trusting my "best friend from summer camp" Greg, or stealing Tess's "Grump Canary" nickname by calling Black Canary a "world famous grump! I'm talking about getting Luke to put on more clothes in a wager I won! Why didn't the wager involve getting naked?! God I'm horny!

Luckily this Fugue guy has only been sleep-creeping into my room at night to steal my memories and make new ones. I think. Oh god! What if he stole my memories of all the hot sex I've had over the years?! Maybe I'm not as virginal and pure as I thought! I mean, I wouldn't be angry if I was really a total slut. I'd be angry that I didn't have any memories of being a total slut! That would be Grade-A flick material!

Can you believe this guy calls himself "Fugue", Diary? If I were him, I would have called myself Fermata! Or Doctor Absent-Minded! Or Mister Sleep-creep!

Fugue has really messed with my self-esteem too! Why is he coming into my bedroom at night and stealing my memories when he could be touching the cutest butt in Gotham?! Not that I want him to! Gross! But, you know, it would be nice to know I was so hot lying their in my sexy Bat-Pajamas that he couldn't help staining the inside of his Fugue costume.

Batgirl #47

Dear Diary! Today I didn't die when I drove my motorcycle off of a roof!

Rating: -1 Ranking. This is the first time in a long time I've read Batgirl without being in Batgirl's Diary mode and I'm wondering how much of my enjoyment of the comic book was actually just the enjoyment of myself? Not like that, pervo!

It's not that I don't like the comic book! I really do. But I think I've overliked the comic book because I'm so in love with my Batgirl Diary entries! Judging this issue on its own merits alone, it's a bit repetitive for my tastes. Babs has another guest crashing on her couch (who totally isn't the bad guy stealing her memories at all because that's too expected!). Babs seems to be betraying herself like when here Oracle AI got out of control. Babs has another talk with her father where her father pretends not to know she's Batgirl. Frankie gets upset with Babs about whatever. Like it matters at this point.

And apparently all the guys in the DCYou are mega-gross assholes that deserve to be physically assaulted. Yet again we have a comic book with a female lead where a woman gets hit on by some lecherous douche and subsequently gets beat down. Don't worry that he was just trying to stop Batgirl and Spoiler from breaking the law. Who do the cops in Gotham think they are? Vigilantes can do whatever they want and justify it accordingly! Especially if the guy they're justifying all over just propositioned Spoiler by inviting her to the police locker room. Ew. Spoiler was right. Mega-gross! Not so much the propositioning but that location? Disgusting!

The issue ends with some guy changing Babs' memories while she sleeps and then grinning at the reader like some creepy motherfucker. You know what? I thought about it and it's probably Greg, the guest on the couch. That guy likes to steal women's panties. Probably because he's a male in the DCYou.