Grayson #11

Now kiss!

Lately, Dick Grayson has been killing spies from other covert organizations. Except it isn't actually Dick who's been doing the killing, as everybody knows. If you work in a black ops organization, you know that Occam's Razor can be thrown, carefully, out the window. It's turned on its head because disinformation is the main tool of the trade. So the most obvious conclusion is no longer the most obvious answer. The most obvious answer is the conclusion which the other black ops organization wants your organization to come to. So every single head of every single covert organization in the DC Youniverse who have demanded that Helena put a stop to these murders knows that Dick Grayson is simply a patsy. But they also don't care. If somebody wants to turn Dick Grayson into a scapegoat and Dick Grayson gets crucified, that'll probably end the murders of all the other spies anyway. And that's all that everybody really wants. Just a little peace and quiet and to not be murdered by some Dick Grayson look-a-like.

Currently, Fake Dick is beating the shit out of Agent One trying to get him to say aloud, "Dick Grayson is the traitor." But Number One is like the top spy ever (you can tell by the way he's called Number One) and he knows when he's being manipulated by a stinking Dick Grayson look-a-like. He'd rather die than betray Dick Grayson! No, wait, that's probably not why he's not saying anything since he kind of hates Dick right now. I think Agent One (Tiger to his friends) is just being stubborn and manly. Too bad he's going to be saved by the real Dick Grayson because being saved by an ex-Robin isn't manly at all. It's the opposite of manly which is a word I don't know because I don't think English has a word for "twelve year old male on the brink of puberty filling out a Dungeons and Dragons character sheet." I bet German has a word for it.

I bet Tiger is pretty embarrassed that he's losing a fight to Dick Grayson. Imagine how horrible he's going to feel when he finds out it's not even the real Dick Grayson! Although maybe that's more of a relief? At least you know the look-a-like probably never went by the name "The Boy Wonder."

That's because those pants don't fit right.

Dick Grayson's initial guess is that his look-a-like (that's such a poor word compared to doppelgänger, right?) is Clayface. That's a pretty smart guess! Being that they're in Italy and not Gotham though, it can't be right. My guess is that it's actually Dick Grayson's evil twin and this book is about to go old school soap opera on our chest and faces and a little bit in our hair.

Dick's speech to his look-a-like is particularly clever but since it spans two pages, any scan I make of it and resize to fit within the borders of my blog (hell, the pictures I size for Tumblr are still too big for Blogger (and most other people's Tumblrs since I expanded my main section's borders) will shrink the font down to a practically unreadable size. And then it just looks like I'm scanning in the pictures to admire Dick's face and muscles which I totally wouldn't do because I'm not gay for Dick Grayson. I'm not even College Gay for Dick Grayson. I need men who hit on me to have obvious flaws so I don't accidentally have sex with them.

Dick mentions how in these doppelgänger situations, just once he'd like the villain to be Killer Croc in a mask instead of Clayface. So guess what's going to happen twenty or so issues down the line? We'd better get a fucking Killer Croc in a mask story! Tom King and Tim Seeley have this writing shit under control and you don't set something like this up and not collect on the future payoff. I bet it'll be in the next annual, actually. And Dick will spend at least one full page just laughing his ass off. And I'll spend a full page calling myself a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader and patting myself on the back.

Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Now I'm fucking pissed. I just read this page and now I'm steaming! I'm so fucking angry at everybody writing Superman and Batman and Green Lantern and...and...well, and just about everybody! You know, writing them like raging, humorless assholes who punch first and then punch later too! Dick Grayson has no super powers. He's not full of angst and rebellion and Daddy Issues and More Daddy Issues and sadness and despair and rage. He's actually enjoying fighting for justice and helping people. Go fucking figure. He's having a blast! Why isn't Superman like this? Superman cannot die. Why isn't Superman cracking jokes as he speed walks up to criminals trying their damnedest to harm him and failing miserably? Why doesn't Superman smile as he simply picks the villains up by the back of their underwear and hauls them off to jail? Why is Superman's life so fucking hard?! Dick Grayson is the only real hero in the DC Youniverse. Addendum: Dick Grayson and Maps are the only real heroes in the DC Youniverse. I guess Batgirl is having more fun too now that she climbed out from the shadow of Batman and moved across the river.

Fake Dick surprises Grayson by mentioning Barbara and Koriand'r. That kind of throws a wrench in his good times because now he knows this guy knows his friends and family. And Fake Dick has shown he doesn't mind killing to mess up Dick's day. So the joking might have to be put on the back burner for a little while. Now it's time to go Batman on this guy's ass.

Is he Jacques de Constamment, Acrobatics Teacher at Hadrians Finishing School For Horny Young Women?

Fake Dick begins questioning Dick Grayson's joyful, exuberant way of fighting and now I'm pissed again! Don't make him feel bad for being happy! Don't remind him that he couldn't think of anything funny to say when the Joker beat Jason Todd with a crowbar! How dare Fake Dick try to turn Grayson into a bitter old clone of Bruce!

Actually, Fake Dick is kind of funny too!

Is this the issue where people who hate that Dick isn't completely serious learn a lesson about why Dick's humor makes him a better crime fighter? I hope this is the issue that puts those people in their places! I bet those places are really boring and smell like sour milk. I bet those are places where people read things like Deathstroke and Twat Lobo and think, "Yo! Bad ass! Booyah!" I bet those are places where laughter doesn't exist! Man, I hate those places.

Fake Dick takes control of Dick's hypnos and begins telling him a bunch of garbage about how he's weak because he doesn't take anything seriously. Fuck you, Fake Dick! Not taking things seriously is my entire approach to life! It's why I hated Dick Grayson for years when he was whining and moaning on the Teen Titans. It's why, since coming back to DC at the start of The New 52, I discovered that I love Dick. He quickly became my favorite character because he enjoys himself! And Batman fucking respects him and--Goddammit--he looks up Dick Grayson! Batman fucking knows Dick was a better Batman than he could ever be because Dick wasn't compelled by an obsession to do the job. I hope Dick Grayson defeats this impostor with jokes!

I hope nobody quotes me out of context with that "I discovered I love Dick" quote.

Fake Dick says the magic word to shut down Dick Grayson and his hypnos. He collapses just as Tiger sits up and rips the hypnos from his eyes so he can see who Fake Dick really is.

Surprise! It's a girl!

Alia and Tiger have a chat that the readers are not privy to. The next scene begins with Tiger and Dick being debriefed by Helena. Tiger tells the story exactly how it happened right up until the point after he ripped out his hypnos. That's when he leaves his ex-partner out of the story and claims that Fake Dick was Maxwell Lord, head of Checkmate. At that point, Dick resigns. His mission has been over for awhile now and he has no interest in playing spy games where a bunch of spy organizations just continuously compare dick sizes. Plus, he's not all that enthralled by the thing where Spyral can make him do whatever he wants through his implants. Time to get Batman back on the horn and get the fuck out of Spyral and Hadrian. Dick calls Bruce one last time just to tell him that he's coming home.

The person behind driving Grayson away with this entire Fake Dick thing is--big surprise--Otto Netz's daughter, Doctor Netz. Doctor is a weird first name but whatever. And apparently she has a sister with the weird name of Agent Zero Netz. They're the ones really controlling Spyral and the reasons why Dick will probably be pulled back in. But first, Dick needs to tell everybody in Gotham that he's still alive! Nobody has to be sad anymore!

Not that anybody really seemed very choked up about Dick being dead. I mean, maybe one or two panels where a few people cried but not much more. I think he'll be met by mostly a bunch of shrugs.

Grayson #11 Rating: +1 Ranking. The main problem with telling people that a comic book is the best comic book a company is publishing is that most people don't fucking care unless the book stars a character they're already huge fans of. It's why Marvel tends toward having a lot more super hero books in the top twenty. They have way more iconic characters, especially since their movies made a bunch of their B-list heroes into big names. And I'm not talking about the Guardians of the Galaxy. I'm talking about Iron Man and those other Avengers that aren't Spider-man or The Hulk or the one with the hair. DC Comics has put most of their time and effort into Batman and Superman with the other Justice League members getting a bit of a lift but generally just when they're all together. So if I say, "Dick Grayson is the most entertaining DC comic on the racks right now," anybody not into Dick or Nightwing or Robin will just ignore the suggestion and miss out on a really great comic book. I hate that we comic book fans are so into following characters. I get why people like characters and choose to invest all of their time and money on their favorites. But I also wish that comic book fans would be more willing to branch out and pick up a book that's getting great word of mouth just because it's a good fucking story. I get that Grayson isn't quite in trouble in this case because Dick has his fans. But I hate that The Omega Men is so Goddamned well written and yet it's going to keep selling like shit because most people are simply going to scoff at it. And yet--and this drives me crazy--we will continue to buy a book with our favorite character in it for years even when it's a piece of shit! As fans, we need to stop blaming the shitty quality of comic books on the publishers and start looking in the mirror. But not my mirror. I do everything right! I supported Demon Knights and All Star Western while y'all were buying Ann Nocenti's shitvomit Catwoman and Scott Lobdell's puppy massacre Red Hood and the Outlaws. Please support this book and if you like it, just realize that The Omega Men is also written by Tom King. It might not be a coincidence that both books are killing it.