Midnighter #4

Meet Midnighter's sidekick: Dick!

This is the last magnetic poem I wrote years ago. It's probably still on the fridge because I haven't recorded it anywhere. But now I'll record it here so I can get rid of it and make some more magnetic poetry!

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listen listen
let that dog explode
coax the blisters
from her sacred yellow sanctuary
struggle with her secret admonition
the observation firmly murmuring

between spring and winter
there shined a light
she used to know it
but you caught it for yourself

Now I can take it down and begin again! I wonder where all the packs of magnet words are? Probably on top of the fridge behind the biggest wok in the world. Back when I lived in Lincoln, Nebraska, and we had just purchased the Tabloid Magnetic Poetry set, I created my favorite magnetic poem which is this:

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Your fuzzy thoughts of post-Madonna yesterdays
Have little to do with your vanished passion.
Your borderline thinking and corduroy dreams
Have you as neurotic as a two-headed Michael Jackson.
Forget the therapist, child.
Who can know how far into Marilyn monster secrets
You are willing to hide.
Like Freud says...
No!
Like Oprah says,
"We need to unite our father Atheist with our mother Pope."
That Loch Ness hate you harbor in the Jungian litter box of your soul
Makes me rot like a hooker Queen with a neutered Kennedy.
An alien abduction of Bigfoot's butt is the anatomy of your runaway life.

I might have gone a bit overboard with the Tabloid words. But it was the new set! It had to be done!

This issue begins with three drunk Russians visiting a place called "The Inn of Guire Grando." It's a place where you pay money to get a private Karaoke room with a vampire chained to the wall. Then you get to stake the shit out of that vampire and high five each other because you've just saved the world! Remember how Midnighter found out that some Russian was selling stolen God's Garden technology? It might be that guy running The Inn!

This issue is called "Midnighter" without any punctuation which makes it totally different from the previous issues which were called "Midnighter" but ended with some kind of punctuation. I have no idea what this means.

Midnighter has kidnapped Dick Grayson to help him discover the man who runs the "Thrill-Kill Clubs" in Moscow. So obviously that means doing undercover research in a sauna.

With his powers, I wonder if Midnighter already knows exactly how he's going to fuck Dick Grayson?

Dick and Midnighter play some good cock/bad cock and manage to get the vampire killing douchebros to reveal the location of the Thrill-Kill Club. They have some delightful banter which causes readers to think, "That was a good scene!" Although some readers might be thinking, "That was way too much Dick Grayson nipple!" I wish I could read more comic books that make me think, "That was way too much Catwoman nipple!" It's not fair that women's nipples aren't allowed in Teen Plus comic books. Why are so many people against the creation of heterosexual boners? Lucky gay boners popping up all over the place because of Dick and Midnighter.

The guy running the Thrill-Kill Club is a vampire himself. He kidnaps homeless people, turns them into vampires, and then charges wannabe macho dumbasses for the experience of staking a helpless confused initiate vampire. Dick and Midnighter are here to shut this shit down. Partially because it's wrong and homeless people are being exploited and murdered (the murder part is so bad that I probably didn't need to add the "exploited" part). But Midnighter probably just wants to shut it down because it's connected to his stolen God's Garden technology.

That's a poor analogy, Midnighter! You know that sometimes the mongoose dies, right?

Midnighter kills the guy behind the club and Dick begins freeing all of the captive vampires. Midnighter wants to just stake them but Dick believes they should try to find a way to save them. But he can't. The tech that turned the captives into vampires was booby trapped so that they would die when it's tampered with. Dick tampered with it. They all died. That's all it takes for Dick Grayson to keep hanging around with Midnighter until they can stop Akakyevich the Black Market Fence of God's Garden Technology.

Midnighter #4 Rating: No change. This issue may or may not have been an allegory about the evils of glory holes. I like to think that it was because Midnighter and Grayson found the location to the Glory Hole Club in a bathhouse. The Glory Hole Club was a place men go to feel masculine by sticking phallic objects into waiting receptacles. Then something explodes and guys high five each other a lot. It's also less probable that it was a story about sex trafficking. But that's less fun and more depressing so I'm going to stick with the Glory Hole Theory. Besides the entire plot, Midnighter didn't do anything gay in this comic book so dude bro fanboys should feel safe purchasing this issue. Granted there were no females performing the Boob-Butt Showcase but what do you expect from the gayest comic being published by DC Comics after Batman Loves Superman and Red Hood Loves Arsenal? If you want a comic book that services your male gaze, you have plenty of others to choose from. Might I suggest that one with Alice in Wonderland with the huge breasts and the really short skirt published by Zenoscope? I should review those! Multiple times!