Grayson Annual #3

What good is a Butt-Boobs Showcase without any boobs? Aside from social commentary, I mean!

The Review!
Grayson was the best comic book DC Comics has put out in a long time and a lot of people never even gave it a chance because they were dum-dums. Omega Men was also the best comic book DC Comics put out in a long time and a lot of people never even gave it a chance because they weren't dum-dums and remembered that The Omega Men were terrible in the eighties. At least I think they were. I never even gave them a chance in the eighties because they looked terrible. Especially that one guy in the pink and purple outfit with the wolfish name. Whatever happened to him? Horrible looking character! Anyway, what I was saying before my brain got derailed was that this annual by Lanzing and Kelly lives up to the previous work on Grayson by Seeley and King. It's fun and fun and also fun. It might be smart too but I'm not smart enough to know if something is smart. Something can be pretty dumb and I'd still be all, "Well, it's smarter than me! So...smart!" I give this an A for effort! Unless that sounds like I'm insulting it and then maybe it gets an A for quality too.

The Commentary!
I wrote a poem to celebrate Dick's butt!

The Roads Not Taken
By Grunion Frost!

Infinite paths diverged in an infinite wood,
Paralyzing me with indecision.
I was too young to know that I should
Hasten down a path which would do me good
Instead of dawdling in my decision.

I knew that if I chose but one,
The infinite others were lost to me.
So I sat and watched the rising sun,
Knowing that by choosing none,
I preserved all potentiality.

I sat and watched a peopled sea
Choosing their paths instantly.
Almost as if they could not see
The branches of infinity
Which they pruned indiscriminately.

When I first noticed, I cannot say,
The woods once lost to either sight,
Were closing in with every day
That I refused to choose a way,
Now paralyzed by the looming night.

I think that caught the quality of Dick's butt, right? It's like, "Ooh! Do I want to put my thingy in it? Maybe I'm not into sodomy and I just want to look at it glistening and naked! But why is it glistening? Was Dick working out? Maybe I just spat on it? Or somebody spilled 7-Up over it! Dick's butt isn't even very good on the cover of the annual. What the hell, Janin?! It's all flat and flatter! Let's see some spring in that sproing!"

I don't even like Dick's butt! I just want to be cool like the cool kids who all talk about Dick's butt like it's the Second Coming!

The issue begins with Harley's butt running down a hallway.

Harley's Butt scores a 3 out of 10 here.

The party Harley is going to is in a very scary room! Why would she want to go into Room 237! There are naked old ghosts taking baths in there! I'm so grossed out I can't even write another poem ever again! That sentence was exactly as I wanted it even if it sounded weird. Sometimes you have to deal with sentences sounding unlike sentences you've heard before. You just have to deal with it because that's what adults and teenagers who think they're adults have to deal with! Or you could be a tool of the man and refuse to publish avant-garde literature! Your mind so brainwashed by how things have always been done that you send out rejection letters saying things like, "Maybe you should take a grammar class before sending in another manuscript. Also maybe you should realize that most manuscripts are longer than three pages and contain stories that don't devolve into a final page of statements like 'The ending will be so cool it will cream your jeans which means it will be so startling you will drop your ice cream cone in your lap, I guess!' or 'You probably get the jist of this story by now. Jist? Jissed? Jizzt? Whatever!'"

Earlier in my poem, should I have rhymed "indecision" with "decision"? You get how clever that is in not being clever, right? I mean, I wanted to rhyme "indecision" with "in decision" but felt I needed to add "my" for some reason. But now I'm questioning my decision! I should probably rework the poem until I grow bored of it and move on to something else. Or should I just leave it as is? Oh! I don't know. I guess I'll just finish reading Grayson's Butt.

Harley's Butt crashes the party even though she has an invitation. I just meant she crashes it because instead of entering Room 237 like any other normal psychopath driven extra-crazy by isolation and the sound of a Big Wheel constantly going from carpet to hardwood floor and back to carpet, Harley kicks the door down.

Constantine's Butt scores a ? out of 10 because it's always covered by a coat. Simon Baz's Butt scores a 10 out of 10 because I don't want to be accused of Moslemophobia. And Azrael's Butt scores a -3 out of 10 because I hate Jean-Paul Secret Valley.

Simon's Butt is really out of sorts for some reason. Instead of being patient and kind, he's irritable and more irritable. I suppose I wouldn't be feeling too kind if I had Constantine's Butt constantly blowing smoke in my face while I waited for some jerk who has never heard about evites. If people don't use evites anymore, pretend I didn't say that because I want to be respected and lauded by all of the cool kids! That's why you won't hear me refer to Simon's Butt as a terrorist or Harley's Butt as an object! Although I might point out how privileged Constantine's Butt is, what with it being all pale and male.

The guy throwing the party is Jim Corrigan's Butt, also known as the big green guy when he gets angry. That's not ambiguous because this isn't a Marvel comic book, dum-dum! You know I meant The Spectre's Butt!

All of these Butts have been brought together to share their stories of encountering Agent 37's Butt. Constantine's Butt gets to go first. Constantine's Butt story is super homoerotic. Also heterotic! Heterorotic? Heteroerotic? Anyway, I guess it's just plain bi-erotic.

This is the homoerotic bit!

Next up is Azrael's Butt's story. I might not totally hate Azrael when he's written by Lanzing and Kelly because they love to Philip K. Dick's Butt him up. He's all into Gnosticism and junk! That might be redundant, depending on if your penchant for insane philosophical and religious texts is about equal to non-functioning toasters.

Azrael's Butt's story is about how Agent 37's Butt is honorable and hardly smells at all, even after a big sweaty battle.

Harley's Butt decides to go next. I hope I can think up a joke about penetration now! Darn it! I couldn't think of one.

Was that a penetration joke? Did sex just get made in that wink?!

Harley's Butt winds up kissing Dick's Butt which means she's now made out with both Butts of the Dynamic Duo. Harley's Butt's story is all about how great a kisser Dick's Butt is. That will probably be helpful in determining whatever The Spectre's Butt is trying to determine about Agent 37's Butt.

Simon's Butt's Story is about how he and Dick's Butt fought off an army of Parademon Butts because the rest of the Justice League's Butts were off-planet. Typical! Another great big space adventure and I'm stuck reading about what's going on on Earth! Why doesn't DC ever tell the big space adventure stories! Instead they're always all, "Oh! Trouble on Earth for Hero's Butt X because the big Hero Butts are all in space farting around!" Simon's Butt is shooting Parademon's Butts in the face with a gun and Dick's Butt is all, "Okay. That's a new tactic!" Then they talk and stuff. And then the story ends.

When the stories are all over, Corrigan's Butt is all, "Oh! I get it! The title of each of your stories was an aspect of Agent 37's Butt! Now I can profile him! Let's see...Agent 37's Butt is a charmer and a savior and a gymnast and a superhero. He's also a great kisser, has a nice butt, is anti-gun, and doesn't hate Azrael like everybody else does. So who is he?!" And everybody is all, "Grunion Guy's Butt! No, no! Just kidding! Dick Grayson's Butt!" And Corrigan's Butt is all, "You're right! And that's me! Surprise!"

And that's when Dick Grayson's Butt wipes the memories of him from all of the other butts. He then goes off to have a great butt adventure with the only butt equal to his butt, Helena's Butt.

The end! Which is another way of saying the butt!

Grayson #20

It's time for the big show ending song!

The Review!
Lanzing and Kelly bring this series to a fine conclusion. They had a few missteps but, overall, they've done a remarkable job remaining true to the vision of Seeley and King. They've taken one of the most difficult jobs in comic books, taking over an established story and not completely fucking it for their own ends, and wrapped it up keeping true to the themes and characters they inherited. Dick Grayson as a spy worked better than a lot of people thought it would. Hell, I think a lot of people sat this series out grumpily and missed out on one of the best comics of The New 52. Well, fuck them! Let's all laugh at those assholes! Ha ha ha! Dum-dums! Things in this world don't just automatically suck because you don't approve of them! If this comic book truly were just full of fan service moments, I would have wanted it to be twenty issues of Dick Grayson slowly taking a huge dump on the chest of all the people who never even gave this comic book a chance! Although they might have been in the right if the comic book actually was what I just described. So then maybe it wouldn't work. Oh well! So what! Human minds are complicated! I can have paradoxical thoughts that don't actually make an rational sense when looked at through the thin prism of reality! I'm allowed that! Anyway, I look forward to Dick's next identity! I suppose it's just back to Nightwing but at some point, he's got to become Owl Dick, right?

The Commentary!
I'd like to begin this sermon praising Jackie Earle Haley for taking on not one iconic comic book role but two! First, he was one of the shining acting spots in Watchmen as Rorschach (although as an actor, one didn't have to shine too brightly to out-act most of the actors in that movie). And now he's Herr Starr in AMC's Preacher. It's a nice divergence from Rorschach who caused a lot of pain and perpetrated a lot of torture because now Jackie gets to endure a lot of pain and get tortured as much as a person can be tortured over years and still be able to think, "My path is the righteous one!" Three episodes into Preacher and I'm plenty pleased by its interpretation to the little screen. I especially like the way it embraces its comic book roots unlike The Walking Dead. Not that I think The Walking Dead has some kind of snobbish attitude towards its roots! It's just that the show had an easy film genre to slip into (you know? End of the world horror with zombies! It's a very specific genre) without having to truly acknowledge its comic book side. Preacher seems to wholeheartedly accept that it was born out of comic books, right down to the overly dramatic location/time stamps. It's brutal, over-the-top, full of mysticism and miracles, has a kid with a face like an asshole, and doesn't bat an eye when it has Tulip build a bazooka out of soup cans and duct tape to bring down a helicopter (off-panel while the camera carefully watches the reactions of two young kids hiding in the cellar, which felt totally comic booky too!). I'm a fan.

I suppose by the end of this issue, Grayson will be ready to step back into the role of Nightwing. I just hope Tiger is ready to step into the role of his sidekick. I don't know what he'd call himself because the first thing that came to my mind was probably racist. Now I have to say what that was because everybody is thinking the most racist things they can imagine and projecting them onto me. You fucking super racists! I'm just a little bit racist and the thought was less a racist thing and more a word association thing. So the tiger part of it was in my head, and then I thought the sidekick name should be a diminutive of some kind, so my head shouted, rather loudly and jarringly, "Lil Sambo!" Fucking brain. You are so fucking racist! Although it's really just a product of the culture I grew up in when it wasn't a big thing to go to a restaurant called Lil Sambo's where the wallpaper featured a small Indian child trying to spread a tiger on top of his pancakes. I might be remembering the design incorrectly.

This issue begins with an improbable scenario wherein Helena's body has been taken over by the mind of a long-dead Otto Netz. It's not that I'm not able to suspend my disbelief to believe such comic book oddities. It's just that sometimes I don't want to. Sometimes I want to point at the Emperor and say, "Holy shit, his dick is huge." Usually because it affords me the chance to go on a rambling, semi-interesting tangent. Like right now! Like how Otto Netz's personality is in no way the real Otto Netz no matter how much anybody wants to believe that somebody's consciousness can be downloaded to a machine. Just like the information on a hard drive isn't the same information on a back-up of that hard drive, Otto Netz's consciousness within Helena is not actually Otto Netz. It's not even Otto Netz's consciousness once removed! It's now been copied twice! I'm not saying it doesn't contain the exact same information. I'll allow that it's a perfect replica of Otto's ego. But how does that help the organic, original Otto Netz? He still died when his body died. The Otto Netz on the computer was probably all, "Yay! I'm alive! I did it! I transferred my personality!" Well, that's all well and good for the copy but that doesn't mean organic Otto Netz achieved immortality. He still fucking died. Poof. Out like a candle! For all intents and purposes for people outside the consciousness of Otto Netz, there's no difference. Even for the Otto Netz consciousness inside Helena's head, it seems like he achieved immortality and there's really no difference between it and the original Otto. The only one that any of this matters to is the original Otto Netz. I mean, it would matter to him if he were still alive. But he's not. He's dead.

Okay, sure! I suppose I can reestablish my suspension of disbelief and decide to interpret the personality replication as an actual transfer of the essential ego of Otto Netz as opposed to just copying data. I suppose I can be magnanimous and allow for that to be a possibility. I suppose I'm that generous of a critic. I suppose.

So, um, anyway, Dick makes a deal with Otto Netz to let Helena go in exchange for Dick's body. Otto is all, "That was the plan, asshole!" And WHAMMO! Dick winds up in the White Room with Helena. The White Room is that place egos go when they don't have any bodies to fuss over. Don't confuse it with the White Album which was full of egos in a different way.

No wait. My mistake. The White Room is just the room they've been standing in all along. It's just Otto has gone back into the computer and left Helena a few moments to say goodbye to Dick before Otto leaps into Dick's body.

Dick comes much quicker than I would have imagined.

The first thing on Otto's To-Do List is make the world forget Dick Grayson. I think he manages to check that one off of his list (at least enough to probably make most of the DC Universe forget Dick but not the people who matter because that would be annoying) and never gets a chance to get to Item #2. Probably because Dick liked the idea of the first thing but really wasn't excited about the other stuff, like the never-ending global conflict between Leviathan and Spyral. So instead of the war falling to Spyral, Otto just winds up battling Dick inside Dick's mind.

Dick and Otto exchange barbs for a bit until Dick says "Tamagotchi!" and it fries Otto's mind. I guess because it forced Otto to realize he was just a simulation of a simulation of the real Otto Netz! Also Dick might have said something else which fried his hypnos or something.

A week later, Tiger kills Agent 8 and takes over Spyral as the new Patron. So his time with Checkmate only existed for about one or two comics to be a super surprise spy thriller twist and didn't matter at all so why did it even happen? That's annoying because Tiger could have done everything he did without betraying Dick by being a member of Checkmate and it would have made more sense for Tiger to take over as Patron at the end. Whatever.

Whew! See? So less annoying than Dick having to make everybody who should remember him remember him! Classic shortcut!

Helena and Dick don't end the issue by fucking like they both really want to because they're the kind of people who deny themselves the things they really want because of obligations. Idiots. Just fuck already.

Grayson #19

Did nobody brief John Romita Jr. on the characters he was doing covers for? Because who decided his covers of Grayson and Batman should have them using firearms? I suppose this one is okay because the only way Dick could be holding and firing that thing with one arm is if it were a Nerf gun. Which it must be.

The Review or Whatever!
This issue is called "Second Coming" so I guess Dick and Helena are finally going to fuck. Twice!

Besides being a euphemism for successfully having sex twice, "The Second Coming" is also a poem by William Butler Yeats. It's a poem that used to have a bunch of lines that I truly loved until every nerd decided it was their spirit poem. I blame Heroes for using it. Now I'm blaming this comic book as well. The problem with Yeats' poetry is that you need a fucking Masters Degree in Yeats to truly understand any of it. "The Second Coming" might be his least inscrutable poem. Although I can't say for sure since I don't have a Master's Degree in Yeats! So when he mentions that rough beast slouching toward wherever, what does he really mean? Is it an allusion to Revelations? Or is it a symbol that he created and then infused with many meanings throughout his decades of writing poetry? Is the falcon and the falconer line quoted in Grayson's first panel a metaphor for mankind and God or is the falcon one of Yeats self-made mythic symbols that means something else entirely?! How the heck should I know?!

Helena Bertinelli's mind has been taken over by Doctor Daedalus. He took that name because he's the architect of the labyrinth that is Spyral. Probably. He may have also taken it for another reason. Like maybe his parents actually named him that and then he got a PhD. He's also crazy and has Alzheimer's so who really knows the reason for anything he does.

All of the crazy action that was taking place last issue is over because Midniter was called in. He's a problem solver! Now the only thing Dick and Tiger and Lucas (if that's his real name!) have left to do is save Helena. Tiger points out that it's already too late because Tiger somehow knows that Spyral's main intent was to bring back Doctor Daedalus by using some other person as a vessel. I guess Number One was privy to that kind of information although it seems odd that the true intent of Spyral would be known to anybody besides the Netz sisters. Even Helena apparently didn't know about this turn of events!

Oh, okay. I guess that explains it! Higher allegiances! Like Allah or something?

Oh no, not Allah! It's Checkmate! Tiger works for Checkmate! Is this the part where he says, "Thaaaaaaaaaaaaat's Checkmate!"?

Midniter takes off because if he stayed in the comic book helping Grayson, Checkmate wouldn't stand a chance. Tiger is off to kill Grayson and Helena because that's a good twist, I guess. I don't buy it though. Obviously this smacks of Character Arc Changing Course Due To A Change in Writers but what are you going to do? That's comic books! So while Tim and Tom were creating an enjoyable Buddy Road Picture Duo in Tiger and Dick, Jackson and Collin have decided it would be better to pull the Old Double Agent Ruse. Also, Maxwell Lord isn't very good at chess because even though he's the Black King, he can't help but think of himself as The Lord of the game board. He does know that's not a piece in chess, right? Or is it? Does the King become the Lord if it can kill and drink the blood of six pawns?

I hope you're also good at keeping your turban out of your rocket pack engine!

Tiger and Dick wind up battling on top of Dick's helicopter in some misplaced Dark Knight homage. What was that about? Was it just there to be cool? Or am I supposed to see Dick as taking the torch of total obsession?

Doctor Daedalus continues quoting "The Second Coming" later on a train in Germany with the whole best lacking all conviction and worst full of passionate intensity line that I so often hear people full of passionate intensity quoting for some reason. Probably because they're the worst at understanding things. Of course, I'm the best because I'm so apathetic! That's what that means, right?

Blah, blah, blah, more Yeats poetry shoved into the story like a puzzle piece that doesn't quite fit. Who will our savior be? Is it Daedalus? Grayson? Tyger, Tyger, burning bright? No wait. Sorry. Wrong weirdo. I mean visionary!

Dick and Tiger race each other toward Helena to either kill her or do it with her. I hope the doing it with her guy gets there first! Which he will because I already read the title of this story, remember?!

Later it's revealed that Maxwell Lord was funding Spyral or something and that they've always been a subsidiary of Checkmate because SPIES! Also because it's a surprise twist that sort of takes the place of an actual story. Most people won't even notice it doesn't make any sense because SPIES! This is what spies do! There's also a dumb riddle about kings being pawns and pawns being queens. Was that a part of Yeats' poem too?

Back to the Tiger-Grayson bout, Grayson doesn't kill Tiger when he causes him to be hit by an avalanche. I know, I know! You're thinking, "Fucking fuckholes! Dick just killed Tiger!" Because what are the odds of surviving an avalanche? They're not great, right? But don't worry! Tiger says, "You think an avalanche will kill me, Grayson?!" And Grayson is all, "I'm saving you, dumb dumb!" So never mind how Tiger survives. Just know that he did because he said he would and Dick said he wasn't trying to kill him. Thank goodness for explication or this might have been a moment full of awful ambiguity!

With Spyral all but dismantled, the Netz sisters dead, and Checkmate thwarted, all that's left is for Dick to confront Doctor Daedalus and save Helena. Unless somebody wants to write an epilogue where the Skull Girls masturbate furiously to erotic fanfiction of their acrobatics instructor, Jacques de Constamment. I wouldn't mind ten or twelve pages on that.

Grayson #18

A new creative team? How quickly do they get the butt joke out of the way? First fives pages?

Rating: The dialogue isn't as loose as I'm used to in the pages of the Grayson comic book. But Lanzing and Kelly have continued to tell the story being told by King and Seeley and they seem to have a decent handle on it. Especially since Spyral is fucking crazy cuckoo nonsense. Maybe that makes it easier to step in and pretend like you know what you're doing? I'm not sure I'm a fan of Tiger trying to crack a joke in battle but it doesn't really come off smoothly and it's basically just a variation of one of Dick's slams on Tiger since the insult is directed at Bronze Tiger. All in all, this is still a title worth reading until it ends. Which should be soon, right? Along with all the rest, right? DC really loves razing their demesnes.

• Dick Grayson is now working for The Court of Owls and Spyral and Batman. He has heard the term "conflict of interest", right?

• Because of the Robin War, I'd forgotten what was happening in this comic book. Dick has turned all of the other spy agencies against Helena after she had them all hunting him. Of course, he doesn't really want Helena to be killed. He just wants to teach Spyral a lesson.

• Dick might also want to teach a lesson to Grifter and King Faraday and Father Time and probably Maxwell Lord too even though he got his help for this attack on Spyral.

• Grayson and Tiger show up to save Helena's life. One of the assassins is Bronze Tiger so that could get confusing.

• Remember in Red Hood and the Outlaws how Bronze Tiger had a real tiger head? That was stupid.

• Ding ding ding ding! Page five! We have a winner!

• The hot girls in the horny dorm are recruited by Agent Zero. She wants to save the school from...well, from somebody. The assassins? Grayson and Tiger? Her sister, Doctor Netz? I don't know!

• Otto Netz's entire plan was to create a super confusing evil agency that could fight itself constantly without realizing it's fighting against itself. That's why its spirit animal is the ouroboros. So I don't feel stupid that I'm confused because I'm supposed to feel confused! Everybody is supposed to feel confused!

• Many pages of fighting fill the middle of the comic book. Eventually Dick calls in Midnighter for some even more brutal fighting.

• Dick convinces the skull girls that they've been duped by Leviathan. Oh yeah! Now it all makes sense! Except for the parts that don't. But those parts are probably still supposed to not make sense. Right up until the Netz sisters merge and turn back into Otto.

• Instead of the sisters merging to become Otto Netz, they bicker until Otto Netz's mind enters Helena's body. Ew. Dick's dick is not going to be happy about this turn of events.

Grayson #17

What the fuck is Dick allergic to and why then would he smear it all over his lips? No wait. I just realized what the answer is. I just got it. Totally makes sense.

Rating: No change.

Guest stars aplenty this issue: Frankenstein, Grifter, Maxwell Lord, Rubber of the Japanese Metal Men. It's enough to make comic book fans read that list and go, "Enh." More likely they'd say "meh" but I refuse to use that term because it's the rudest response and everybody who uses it knows it. It's merely said to point out that the person the "meh" is directed at has made no point or comment worth reading ever. I'd rather somebody respond to something I write with "You're a fucking cunt."

I also can't stand when somebody responds to somebody with a response that the person previously mentioned they can't stand. So go ahead and respond to this in that way. You're only hurting yourself by being funny in the way 99% of people are funny. It's the equivalent of seeing somebody mopping a floor at the store and then pretending to slip. You're an idiot.

Hmm. This is a lousy review, isn't it? Since I'm on the internet and I'm supposed to be writing about Dick Grayson, I feel like I should be way more passionate about it. I should make gifs of me jerking off while watching Young Justice. I should write in-depth essays on the psychosexual growth of his character from Batman's sidekick to leader of the Teen Titans to Nightwing on his own to super spy. I should litter this thing with footnotes and stolen images simply to prove that I'm a huge fan and I have something important to say about him that only a true fan would figure out. I feel like I should change my URL to fuckyeahdickgrayson except that (and every variation on it) is already taken by people yearning to prove that they are the biggest Dick Grayson fan at the expense of every other good thing in their lives.

Here's my super analytical piece concerning Grayson: his name is an anagram for R Gay Son. That probably won't make it into his Wikipedia page, will it

Speaking of Wikipedia, I have a feeling that I would never be able to be friends with anybody who spends a lot of time updating the site. Just read the discussion on whether or not Dick should be referred to as "Dick Grayson" or "Richard John Grayson" in the article if you want to instantly hate two people whom you've never met.

Grayson #16

When Neil Gaiman said to "Finish things," he was talking about doing adult coloring books, right?

Rating: +1 Ranking.

I don't normally care what other people like or dislike. And I really fucking hate people who judge your life and say shit like, "I pity you." But you know what? I pity everybody who doesn't find this comic book utterly charming. I pity you! Christ. That's such a condescending thing to say, isn't it? Or "I feel sorry for you." Or "You don't live a life exactly like mine so you're wasting your life, you pathetic excuse for a not-me human being."

But seriously. If you didn't find this issue adorable, there's something wrong with you. It might be your heart. Your heart might be miscalibrated. How can you not enjoy what is basically a Marx Brothers/James Bond mashup?

Whimsy is life! LIFE I TELL YOU! Stop being angry about everything and be like Dick! You like Dick, right? Who doesn't?!

Grayson #15

Is this Owlwashing Robins or Robinwashing Owls?

Just about every teenager in Gotham has decided that they're now a Robin. Probably one out of every hundred of them wants to make Gotham a better place. The other 99 are just Robin Scenesters that want to be a part of whatever the hell the We Are Robin movement is. It doesn't matter to me which ones are taking it seriously because the bottom line is that if somebody presents as a Robin, they're a Robin. Who gets to determine what's the right reason for dressing up as a Robin and running around at night pretending to be useful? I mean, who besides Damian, Jason, Tim, and Dick! And they only have the right to determine what makes somebody a Robin because Batman is on an emotional vacation with some woman named Julie Madison who is totally going to break his heart and awaken the bat within. But that won't happen for another couple of months so it's the Bat-kids who have to straighten out this Robin Revolution.

"First, let's work on making stupid and inappropriate comments while on the brink of death!"

Shouldn't Duke mention the weird perv who runs the Nest? I really think Alfred should be a part of this. And probably Batcow.

Dick has decided it's up to the original Robins to train all of these new Robins. He can't be serious! Surely all of these Robins aren't cut out for the job. He should let Damian punch all of them in the face before training begins so they know what they're in for. Not that they need to be prepared for being punched in the face. They need to be prepared for Damian wanting to constantly punch them all in the face and occasionally following through with his desires.

The first piece of equipment Robin School should invest in is a Lazarus Pit.

While Red Robin begins training the Robins in the art of Piñata Style, the comic offers up some flashbacks to when the Bat-kids were enjoying some hamburgers and making me super hungry for comic book hamburgers. They look so delicious! I wonder if I could get Mikel Janin to grill me some hamburgers. Would that be the same thing? Although I think their conversation is more important than the hamburgers. Dick's idea is to train the Robins so that they can see which ones are cut out for the job. Damian will scare the other ones back to their parents.

I hate to quibble but I always thought the summary of Robin was two words: child endangerment.

Jason Todd teaches some Robins how to steal tires off of cars. They don't have a Batmobile to practice on so they're sent to steal tires off of mob cars. That's less dangerous. I think. To get to the cars, the Robins all leap to their death off of a roof. Maybe jumping from a great height without dying was the first lesson Alfred Pedoworth taught them.

Granted, confidence is important. Although you know what other Robins had confidence? Jason Todd, Damian Wayne, and Troy Walker. RIP Dax.

Apparently I'm accepting these We Are Robin kids because I didn't need to look up Troy's last name (except to fact check that I came up with the correct name) and I remembered Dax was the one with the wrench and the Mohican.

Damian decides to point out that all of these kids are weak because they weren't born strong. That's a pathetic argument but then Damian is a ten year old who thinks he knows a lot more than he actually does. Dick disagrees with him politely instead of rolling his eyes and saying, "tt." Dick also points out that he wasn't born strong but had it given to him. The others think he's talking about how Batman gave him strength but he's probably alluding to how he was meant to be a Talon.

Izzy's got it! Being a Robin means getting beat to hell while saying stupid shit and asking, "Is that all you've got?!"

Dick battles Duke Thomas and finds out that Duke is almost as smart as Lex Luthor! He figured out that the original Robin must have been Nightwing and now this guy with no face must be Dick Grayson. It's a bit convoluted in that the main step in his logic is that "Nightwing looks like grown up Robin" but whatever. He's only one Lex Luthorian step away from realizing Bruce Wayne is Batman! Good thing Duke is only interested in being a Robin and not a member of the Justice League.

Red Robin and Dre go on an investigative mission, Red Hood and Dax go on a confidence mission, Izzy and Damian go on a suffering mission, and Duke and Dick hang out on a gargoyle together. The rest of the Robins are supposed to be training but they're probably just sitting around going, "Fucking bullshit. What does Izzy have that I don't? And fucking Dax, man?! So what. Fuckin' dick can change a tire. Big deal! This is bullshit."

It doesn't really matter what all the missions are because they're just all different ways to make sure everybody winds up in jail. Dick set everybody up so he knew they'd be safe while he figures out how to control this Robin Revolution and make it palatable for the Gotham Police and Commissioner Batman. The other Bat-kids might be pissed now but Dick needs them in jail with all of the other half-trained Robins. Dick Grayson really is a good replacement for Batman, isn't he?!

I wish I could come up with a good plan to stick my family in jail too!

Dick jumps off of the building leaving Duke to be arrested. He also mutters something about taking care of his family. Like how I'd like to take care of my family, right?! Also an Owl watches from the thirteenth floor of the building, wringing his hands and laughing maniacally.

Grayson #15 Rating: +1 Ranking. If you're into Robins then you'll enjoy this comic book. If you're weirdly into Robins like Alfred Pedoworth then maybe you should stop being a creepy motherfucker. Speaking of Alfred Pedoworth, he was the only thing noticeably lacking in this issue. The We Are Robin kids needed this moment where they're made "official" by the other Robins and brought into the Bat-family. But shouldn't Alfred have been monitoring this meeting? It's possible he's working with Dick in Dick's overall plan to get every Robin in history completely pissed off at him. That's probably why Batgirl wasn't a part of this; she's already gotten past being pissed at Dick and would have soured the bad mood (you know, by making it good! Maybe that's ripening the bad mood?). Now that every teenager in Gotham is in prison, Dick Grayson can do his job without interruption. Although if he thinks sticking Tim, Damian, and Jason in prison together while having Duke explain to them why they're there will somehow keep them put, he's got another think coming. Always the fucking optimist, isn't he? My guess is the jail cells at the Gotham Police Department are going to need to soon be rebuilt by Wayne Prison Construction and Skylight Repair.

Grayson #14

While peaking on LSD, Otto Netz came up with the idea of Spyral when he placed a pirated copy of Freud in his Apple IIe's floppy drive in the hopes it would clear out what he believed was a spider infestation within the casing and then sat back to watch the action through a kaleidoscope.

After that caption, the plan was to find a picture from the Freud program on the internet but sometimes the internet fails miserably (unless I failed miserably?) The Freud program was generally found stuck on a disk handed to you from the greasy kid in junior high who spent his entire lunch hour hogging up the lone Apple IIe computer in the library. His disks were full of cracked games like Conan and Karateka and a version of Zork which never actually worked. Freud was really just the therapist program "Eliza" with a lo-res image of a bald man whose eyebrows would move up and down as he thought about each of your responses to his questions which would eventually point out that your mother was the problem. Maybe that was just me because I would answer every question with "My mother is the fucking problem!" But I just spent forty minutes scouring the internet for a picture of Freud. I'm sure one exists out there but I couldn't figure out the exact chant to repeat into Lord Google's ear to get him to manifest my desire. I even downloaded a disk image for "Personal Therapist" to try out on my Apple IIe emulator so I could get the image myself. Alas, the disk image was based on Eliza but didn't include the bald guy waggling his eyebrows. When the program began, no image popped up but I thought maybe after entering my first response, it would enter the lo-res screen with the bald guy. So I dutifully typed "My mother is the fucking problem!" but no dice. Eliza just mumbled something about how I wasn't being clear. How could I be any clearer, you stupid machine!

This issue begins with Otto Netz giving a brief overview of why Spyral came into being. I could choose to scan the page so the explanation is made clear or I can fuck Eliza right in her stupid confused face and make things unclear by providing an even briefer overview! I realize that I'm not really punishing a fifty year old computer program but I feel that I have to act petulantly anyway because how much clearer could I have been! I don't think mankind ever has to worry about Artificial Intelligence taking over because it may be able to beat huge nerds at Jeopardy but it'll never know how to act childishly and misdirect its anger.

So my brief, brief overview of the beginning of Spyral is this: So there were these Nazis, you see? That's probably enough.

Grievous that you were reading Shelley!

I probably shouldn't have such a strong opinion against Shelley since I really can't judge him by anything but Prometheus Unbound (which I read in high school so I can't even place any credence on what I thought of it then, being that my experiences of life were negligible) and that his name is Percy Bysshe. But being human, I will allow myself to hate Shelley simply because I was bored by one of his plays when I was sixteen. If anybody would like to try to assuage my feelings toward his poetry by giving me some great example of his work, I'll pretend to give him another chance before sticking to my guns.

Midnighter sits nearby as Luka Netz wanders away unnoticed. Some computer brain he is! He really should try not to be so gay sometimes. Maybe if he'd just looked at this woman as she walked past, his computer brain would have figured she was listening to Grayson and Tiger being eaten by robot spiders in her lair.

With the help of God Garden enemy agent Ladytron, Tiger and Dick defeat all of the Luka Netz's robot spider guard dogs. But then when Tiger asks Ladytron to EMP Luka's computers to stop the next wave of robot spiders so he can go back to defeating Ladytron (because he thinks that's the mission, after all!), Dick knocks him out again in literally one punch. Although after he punches him, he also has to kick him to knock him unconscious so I may have jumped the gun on the use of "literally" there. Although in this climate where most people can't go half a sentence without shoving that word into it, it's not like anybody will notice.

An "oily," hunh? I can't say I've ever been robo-curious before but now I'm totally into it. Also that was a fairly blatant lie about the "can't saying" part of that last sentence.

Otto Netz reappears to tell more of his origin story. He was bored killing the heroes whom he had helped to create so he created a villain that would challenge Spyral because it would be him but he would call himself Doctor Dedalus. That's why Spyral is so nutty and so into webs and spirals and Ouroboroses. Also this might be the first villain that I've ever truly identified with! He created Spyral and Spyral's nemesis, Leviathan, simply to entertain himself! The only other villain I identified with was one that my friend created but I eventually gave him his motivation. It was Global Thermonuclear War Dude and his goal was simply to destroy everything. I supplied the reason for his goal: so he wouldn't miss out on anything after he died.

Otto is telling this story to his two daughters (or granddaughters (or clones)): Katarina and Elisabeth. Luka must be short for Katarina. And Doctor is short for Elisabeth.

Otto finishes up by telling the two girls that he will encode his being into a computer. He is the Spyder Oracle which Mister Minos and now Helena can access for information. And then one day, one of the girls will download Otto into their being while the other becomes Leviathan. And the spirals can continue like this practically forever.

It turns out Otto's story is the information Dick is gathering from Luka Netz's computer system. So now he knows Spyral's shameful secret: it's based on Percy Bysshe Shelley's poetry! Dick is aghast and asks Ladytron to maybe do that EMP thing like Tiger wanted earlier. For, you know, kicks?

Back in Spyral headquarters, Spyder commands Helena to activate Dick Grayson's nanobots' auto-cannibalization sequence. Luckily Tim Drake deactivated all of that shit for Dick. I think. I hope!

Or Ladytron's EMP shuts them down just in time. That's probably the thing that actually happened because do any of us really want to believe that Tim Drake is that smart and capable?

And then Tiger wakes up full of shame and embarrassment and thoughts of manly revenge.

But first a sexy Robin war!

Grayson #14 Rating: No change. In the future when people are obsessively snatching up anything Tom King writes, they'll look back at Grayson #14 as the point when people began saying, "Grant who?" Sure, lots of people, right now, love to say things like, "Who does Grant Morrison think he is? He expects me to pay $4.99 so he can jerk himself off directly in my mouth?! Well, I'm not going to allow him to get away with that anymore without first saying how much his jizz tastes like self-indulg...GAG CHOKE SPIT COUGH!" Maybe there's been a bit too much time since I read the entirety of Batman Incorporated and I'm taking the credit away from Grant Morrison because maybe this was all in that and I was just too dizzy to realize it but if it wasn't, Tom King just made Otto Netz make sense. It's also possible that I'm a stupid American who...no wait. That's a fact! Let me try that again. It's also possible that the fact that I'm a stupid American means that I needed the entirety of Batman Incorporated boiled down to these key points straight from Otto Netz's mouth. One thing I'm certain of though...no wait! I'm totally not even certain of that. But let's pretend I am, okay? One thing I'm probably certain of is that Otto Netz doing all of this because he was bored is Tom King's idea. If not, then I probably should have loved that idea when it was written by Grant Morrison as well! But then, I never wrote anything about the Pre-52 Batman Incorporated, so I have no Grandmaster Record of what I thought at the time! The world mourns the loss of my thoughts. Right, world? Mourn, you fuckers! MOURN!

Grayson Annual #2

Yay! Superman is finally going to be written well!

Look, Grayson Annual #2. I don't mean to complain because more of a good comic book is always a good thing. But you do realize that Grayson is only on issue twelve, right? So why the fuck do you exist, Grayson Annual #2?! You are not taking the meaning of the word "annual" very literally. I suppose if you wanted to be an Actually Nerd, you would point out that the first annual came out during the first year of the series and this one, technically, has arrived just after the first year was finished. You might also point out how annuals aren't a yearly thing anymore and they're just a way for DC Comics to continue to make money every week during months that have five Wednesdays. You can say any of these things but you still wouldn't wash away the feeling that two annuals in the first year of a comic book's run is just plain wrong.

Of course I forgive you, Grayson Annual #2! Especially since you've allowed Superman to join you. He's been having a tough time lately where he's been written like a total jackass. He'll probably be hardly recognizable in this issue! People will probably read it and think, "Who is that compassionate man full of patience and why is he wearing a Superman t-shirt? Is it a clone of Dick Grayson? I am confused!"

The issue begins several years ago when Dick Grayson was still Robin. Blockbuster has been rampaging down the East Coast from Metropolis to Gotham (which is a pretty short rampage, really. Like one bridge or something) and it's now up to Batman and Robin to stop him. Or to help stop him. I'm sure Superman didn't just shoo Blockbuster out of Metropolis and return to the coffee shop to finish his article on dirty local restaurants.

Don't worry, Superman. You can remind Batman of this conversation in a few years when Gotham is destroyed at the end of Batman Eternal. And then again after Endgame. It won't be very satisfying though because Batman is an Actually Nerd and will point out that, technically, it was his enemies who destroyed the city while trying to destroy him. You'll just have to be satisfied with the knowledge that you know Batman is just as culpable as The Joker when The Joker takes out his frustration on Gotham and its citizens.

As Batman and Robin leave Superman to deal with clean up and actually talking to people, Batman badmouths Superman. He calls him the worst insult a control freak like Batman can come up with: an unknown quantity. He also whines about how Superman is untrained and young. How does Batman know how untrained Superman is? Oh wait. Batman knows everything! I should probably just assume that if Batman is saying it, it must be true.

Batman ends his lecture about Superman by saying "He is most certainly not 'just a guy.'" So this story is called "Just a Guy" because Batman is sometimes wrong no matter how many times DC tells their fans that Batman isn't ever wrong and he's the greatest super hero to ever live and he could defeat Superman because he's so smart even though every comic book fan knows Superman would have to be a complete idiot to not be able to beat Batman. So in other news, DC Comics believes that Superman is a complete idiot. That's not breaking news to people who have been reading Superman since The New 52 began.

The story jumps forward in time to just before Dick leaves Gotham after letting his Bat-Siblings know he isn't really dead. He's putting the Spyral back in his eye and he's ready for some good old fashioned spy adventures.

The whimsical attitude Tim and Tom have given to the Spyral Organization is a nice touch. Unless Morrison already had that as a feature. Who can remember? I mean, I can't remember. I know a bunch of you nerds out there will remind me.

Dick finishes his statement on the next page by saying "with one last dance" after which he dives off of the building to do some of his signature crouch swinging about the roofs of the buildings. What happens next makes me laugh longer and louder than I've ever laughed reading a comic book. It's just done so beautifully! Superman swoops in to save the man he thinks is committing suicide. That man says "Clark?" which gets Superman's attention as he sees the man's face is a mass of spiraling flesh. This startles Superman causing him to drop Dick who simply says "Awwwww, man!" because now he's falling all uncrouched and graceless!

The only thing about the previous scene that would have made me love it better was if Superman's identity were still secret and hearing this guy speak his name was the cause of Superman dropping Dick. Anyway, great moment. Dick saves himself while Superman flips the fuck out about having probably just killed some guy. Dick turns off his hypnos and let's Superman know it's his old pal Robin!

This is how a compassionate person reacts to finding out somebody they loved wasn't really dead. You can be a dick to them later over coffee when you bring up how fucked up the whole faking your death thing was.

Dick and Clark catch up on all the weirdness that has been going on in their lives. I guess Dick has been too busy to watch the news or read Lois Lane's blog because he had no idea what was going on with Superman. It's probably best that he remained ignorant of all of that bullshit anyway. Better to just pretend that the Tim Seeley/Tom King Universe is its own place.

The reunion is interrupted by The Fist of Cain because they want to earn points for killing an alien. Everybody knew Superman was an alien before all this shit went down, right? Lois's article must have really played up the part about how he was losing his powers and he's totally vulnerable to being killed now. She's the worst!

Dick learns more about what's happened to Superman during the brawl, like how he's no longer faster than a speeding bullet and also how that speeding bullet can hurt him. He also learns that bit about Lois being a real jerk! Although I still think Lois did the absolutely right thing with HORDR_ROOT trying to use Superman's secret against him. I think she just panicked and did it before talking it over with Clark. They could have come up with a plan that left everybody feeling happy and secure instead of fearful and ignorant.

I wonder if that's how Dick used to describe Batman?

Since Dick and Clark are worth so many points, they decide to take the battle away from the urban center to avoid destruction, death, and chaos. You know, the way heroes would do.

Batman has the same problem with his sidekicks.

Dick directs Clark to drive to a piece of highway still under construction after it was destroyed during the fight between Batman and the Jokerfied Superman. Come on, Superman! This is why Batman and all the other fearmongering assholes have an argument about you being dangerous! Every time somebody fucks with your head, it's another potential apocalypse! Either figure out how not to be possessed, mind-controlled, and brainwashed, or go live on Mars!

Yes! Mellow at best! When is the last time we've seen Mellow Superman?! Okay, that time he stopped the guy with the gun in the alley while he had no powers. But he only did that because he had no powers! He should be acting that way even with powers!

Superman can't actually be careless in battle. He's so powerful that he never knows exactly how hard to hit his opponent without killing him. Which is actually another reason why he shouldn't be striding into conflict throwing punches! Although when it does come down to fisticuffs, Superman has to do a lot of math. He has to throw a lot of soft punches to calibrate how hard he needs to hit the person to simply knock them unconscious. It's a mental strain to brawl if you're Superman.

The Fist of Cain goons are sucking down some Venomade while they fight so they aren't as easy to defeat as Dick thought they would be. Although the woman biker was taken out by Dick turning off his Hypnos and flashing her a smile. I guess she wasn't a lesbian. Or smart. But then, none of these Fist of Cain goons seem very smart. And they just keep getting dumber because the next Fist of Cain member they meet is their newest recruit: Blockbuster! Superman ghost rides the motorcycle (actually named "Lana" for probably psychosexual reasons) with a Spyral bomb on it into Blockbuster. Dick and Clark get away in the chaos of the explosion to find some way to defeat Blockbuster. It can't be too hard to do. Batman has been known to do it and he's no better at fighting bad guys than Dick Grayson! Although he's way better at fighting bad guys than depowered Superman.

Clark once wrote a bio on Blockbuster for The Daily Planet so he reminds everybody about Rob Liefeld's story in Hawk and Dove #6! Oh such good times!

Superman has an idea! Maybe Dick Grayson, partner to Batman for hardly any time at all, can build one of those Hypothalamus Inhibitors that Batman used on Blockbuster during the encounter told at the beginning of this comic book. Surely Dick Grayson learned about electronics and gadgets and car engines during that time, right?

Sure you're just a guy, Dick! But Batman is just a guy too! It's just he's a guy with Lucius Fox's phone number!

Hey bad writers! I know a lot of you read stories written by good comic book writers and think, "But that's exactly the kind of stuff I write! Why does Twitter hate me?!" This book is a good example of the little details that lift up a story and make it more than just a hero beating a bad guy. See how King and Seeley's use of symmetry ties together both halves of this story while simply and organically comparing Superman and Dick Grayson? It's elegant! Well, it might not be elegant exactly. It's kind of a standard writing technique. But it's standard because it fucking works! Earlier Batman said Superman isn't just some guy. And now Dick is claiming that he's just some guy. But Superman is going to point out how he's way more than some guy while Superman literally is just some guy right now! Also that Nightwing story was a nice touch. Also also, Superman once ran around in disguise as a Kryptonian superhero called Nightwing based on Batman, so that ties it together even more for the huge nerds reading this.

Superman wants to call in help from Lex Luthor. But Dick Grayson has integrity! He would never be caught working for a criminal like Lex! Unless Batman asked him to nicely and he was just working undercover and he had an opportunity to bang a bunch of hot college girls. I think it's okay then.

Seriously though, Lucius Fox would be an easier call to make.

Clark makes the call and Lex plays the hero. Although he's a creepy hero who still doesn't believe Lois Lane's article about Superman being Clark Kent. Mostly he doesn't believe it because he didn't think of it himself. But I think he also doesn't believe it because Lois Lane's blog is terrible, if her articles in the Doomed story arc were anything to judge her work by.

Clark and Dick subdue all the now depowered bad guys and leave them for Commissioner Batman to pick up. All that's left is for Superman to say goodbye to Grayson in a way that I can't really be snarky about.

Although I can bitch about Alfred having two hands. I bet Lucius Fox built the new one for him!

Grayson Annual #2 Non-Ranking Annual Rating: This is where I'm supposed to say something that begins with "If you're not reading this comic" and then ends with something like "I hope your newborn baby gets cancer." But I won't write that because you should be reading this comic book. And if you aren't, it doesn't bother me at all. You're just depriving yourself of a really good super hero comic book written by people who know how stories work. One other thing I liked about this story is that Superman and Dick Grayson reached out for help when they needed it. They knew what they needed to stop the bad guys and they didn't let their egos or personal reasons for hating Lex Luthor (like how he murdered Dick and attempted to murder Superman several times) interfere. Too many writers think writing a super hero is just about making him a bad-ass with tough one-liners. This issue may have been called "Just a Guy" but it's about two guys who act like heroes. Unless the reason it was called "Just a Guy" was because Lex Luthor was supposed to be thought of as just a guy Superman is calling to deliver a package. No big deal! No reason not to call him. He's just this guy, you know?!

Grayson #12

Finally!

It's been one year since DC began publishing their best comic book and, somehow, they've yet to cancel it! Good job, DC Comics! And people say, often and quite loudly, how you can't do anything right! Well you hold your chin up high on this one! Just ignore all that shit people are throwing at you for cancelling The Omega Men and keeping Eddie Berganza on staff to ruin all of the Superman and Wonder Woman books. Don't let them ruin this minor and fleeting moment of feeling proud of yourself! You earned it!

Okay, that's enough. Don't get cocky. Go fix all the broken shit now. How about getting Batwoman back in monthly form with the Marguerites on writing and drawing? How is that not a thing that everybody on staff hasn't already snapped their fingers and yelled "Eureka!" about?

Page one. Page fucking one and my eyes are tearing up. Forget about Dick Grayson and how well Tom King and Tim Seeley get him, how well they write this kid. They're putting everybody whose written Alfred since The New 52 to shame in seven panels! Granted, Alfred has had some great moments thanks to Tomasi and Snyder. I'm not going to compare their efforts with what Tim and Tom have done right out of the gate here. Obviously this portrayal of Alfred is better though because it's more recent and affecting me right this moment!

I am literally figuratively standing up and applauding right now.

Before I continue with what will probably break my heart, let me give a quick review of Under the Red Hood! I'll get to Jason Todd's portrayal in a moment but first I want to say how impressed I was with the overall script. And not just the script but the animation as well. One of my favorite parts was when Nightwing first appears to help Batman take down Amazo. It's incredible how much character work was done just in the difference of the way Batman and Nightwing move around the battlefield. As for Jason Todd, this movie nails the character. This was the best version of Red Hood I've seen (of course, I've really only read Lobdell's versions of him so that isn't a shock). But not only is it easily the best I've seen, it's how I feel he should be portrayed. This movie allowed me to see the Jason Todd Jason Todd fans have deluded themselves into believing Lobdell's Jason Todd still is. How can anybody at DC not watch this movie and realize that Scott Lobdell doesn't know the character at all and is completely fucking up some really interesting and dark stories about this kid? I'd love a Red Hood book based on Under the Red Hood Jason Todd. Come on, DC Comics! I told you to stop gloating about Grayson surviving a full year. Fix Red Hood already before I start whipping batteries at you!

Dick and Bruce have an awkward conversation. It's hard having a conversation with someone you truly love who doesn't remember who you are. I remember speaking with my grandmother on the phone near the end of her life after her memory had really started to go. She'd occasionally ask, "Who am I talking to?" And in an effort to make sure I was not sad, or that I was okay, after being told who I was, she would remind me that she loved me very much. I don't know if she had any real connection to that love or just understood that she probably once loved me or, having a moment of clarity, she actually experienced that love. I suppose it made very little difference. Even at the end when she wasn't all there, she was the kindest, most giving, sweetest person I ever knew.

Dick simply wants to know if Bruce is happy. Bruce doesn't know if he's happy but he mentions to Dick how, at certain times when things are still and quiet, he feels joy. I bet all Bruce is going to feel when he gets his memory back is anger that nobody slapped him in the face and screamed, "You're Batman, asshole! Get to fucking work!" Especially after he sees how sales have dropped on Batman with Commissioner Gordon over there ruining the franchise!

Bruce seems to remember the bat crashing through the window and changing his entire life because he mentions that those moments of joy when he hears tapping at the window are nice "as long as the window holds." Somewhere inside his head, he seems to know that his peace and happiness will last only as long as he stays out from under the shadow of the bat. Man, I can't wait until he's miserable again!

Dick and Bruce's conversation is interrupted by a Spyral agent (probably Agent Zero Netz judging by her hair and red boots and crazy web-panel layouts) crashing through the window and shooting a tranquilizer dart into Bruce's neck.

Spyral wants Dick. Spyral doesn't want Dick. Spyral wants Dick. Spyral is like my first girlfriend.

After tea with Bruce, Dick heads out to let Jason Todd and Tim Drake know that he's still alive. Todd takes Dick how Todd takes everything: the hard way! Har har!

Dick takes Todd and Tim's abuse and accusations in stride because he plays the role of big brother well. He shouldered the responsibility of the lie he knew would hurt them because that's just the job of the big brother. He also brings gifts because that usually shuts up little brothers. He brings them Batman's original two batarangs. I bet they're actually Numbers Two and Three! I bet Maps has the original now!

Before Dick leaves, he tells Tim and Jason to "Break it" in his Cluemaster code. Does he mean the Batman Duplication Machine? Or the batarangs? Or the cycle of abusing young boys by sending them into dangerous situations?!

Next Dick has to go see Babs. He gives her a gift as well although it's not the one I was hoping he would give her (hint: it rhymes with his name. No wait. It's exactly his name). He also tells her to "Break it" in code. Probably the gift then. He must have left fortune cookie messages in the gifts.

Now kiss!

Finally, Dick goes to see Damian. I bet Damian kills him! Or else he'll be the most understanding! Maybe he'll do that thing kids do where he'll be all, "I totally knew you weren't dead. Duh! I wasn't fooled, you idiot."

Actually, I'd forgotten about Dick not knowing Damian was back! So they're both surprised to find the other alive and it's really sweet.

These two are the best together.

After Dick leaves, the others break open their gifts to find the fortune cookie messages inside directing them to do a few things for him. The others are tasked with breaking into Spyral's Hypnos system so that Dick has control over the Hypnos himself. He then communicates with them in that way that Jack Donaghy communicates with people on the phone and in person at the same time by making sure all of his responses work for both conversations. The others work the back-end while Dick talks with Agent Zero. Once her Hypnos are decrypted, she's revealed to be Luka Netz, Agent Zero. I guess she's simply the Reboot version of Kathy Kane since making it Kathy Kane might be a bit weird for continuity, no matter how non-continuity minded a person might be.

Grayson #12 Rating: +2 Ranking. This has been the best comic book DC publishes even with Dick Grayson alone and cut off from the Batfamily. And now he's back in contact with his family and doing the super-spy thing with their help instead of just Batman's? Jesus Christ, guys! Now you're just embarrassing the competition! It's like a kid's t-ball game that's gone out of control and nobody is stopping the winning team from running up the score. You've already KO'd your opponent and now you're taking a dump on their chest! Chill the fuck out! Do you want all of the other comic books to stop being bought?! Give them some hope! If I were Scott Snyder, I'd really start rethinking that whole thing with Commissioner Gordon being Batman right now. I'd be changing up my next script right now! Bruce Wayne would be back in the cowl immediately before nobody cares about Batman anymore and Grayson becomes DC's most iconic character! Shit, I wouldn't be surprised if it's inevitable at this point.

Batgirl Annual #3

Finally! Dead Dick is going to interact with somebody other than Batman, Julia Pennyworth, or The Joker!

Batgirl is about to get mixed up in Spyral business which she can probably handle since Qadir's technology is on par with Spyral's. The best part will be the scene where she recognizes Dick Grayson by his ass and then gets super embarrassed. Then Dick will ask Babs why she looks ten years younger than she really is. I hope her explanation satisfies me as a reader! I'm having a really tough time understanding why new Batgirl is so different from Simone Batgirl! I desperately need an in-canon explanation or I'm going to die!

The first Spyralee Batgirl meets is Helena Bertinelli who she's never, ever met before ever in the whole wide ever world ever.

I bet 95% of the residents of Burnside would never be thought of as a "hipster" and yet when a population becomes 5% Hipster, it's over! Mostly because when 5% of your population looks exactly alike, it's hard not to notice.

I've lived just off of Hawthorne in Portland, Oregon, for about twelve years now. I moved closer to Hawthorne because it was my favorite place, mostly due to my comic book store and Marco's Deli which had great meatball subs and Mr. Pibb on tap. It had a bit of a Bohemian flair, I guess. It was a little bit hippy, a little bit artsy, a little bit shitty. It was the kind of street that once had an Arby's but when it didn't get enough business, it closed down and McDonald's tried to set up shop there only to be beaten back by petitions. Mostly it was residents who claimed they didn't want the extra traffic generated by a fast food place but I think mostly it was a bunch of snobby assholes who only ever ate McDonald's when people they knew weren't looking. Anyway, the street lost a lot of its charm as the swarm of Hipster Gentrification (which is really the only kind of gentrification seen in Portland). And it's been going on for longer than Portlandia has been on the air, so the people who blame Portlandia are putting the cart before the bearded assholes. Although, really, the show hasn't helped. It's seen by many not as a satire of the city but more of a promotional video for like minded people. Long before Fred Armisen said that Portland was where young people go to retire, I was constantly asking the Non-Certified Wife, "Doesn't anybody in this town work?!"

So Hawthorne began to get the Hipster Gentrification treatment which seemed to be flowing southward from Alberta. It hit Belmont pretty hard back when Paninis, Cupcakes, and Artsy Toy Stores were the beginning signs of a Hipster Neighborhood taking root (the record stores were already there!). Later it became organic grass-fed beef hamburgers and "artisinal" pizza (the cupcakes survived although they probably began serving macaroons as well). The artsy toy store moved to Hawthorne and lots of businesses began changing on Hawthorne. It seemed the time had come for Hawthorne's transformation. Hawthorne lost their Blockbuster (who didn't though, amirite?!) and I told the Non-Certified Wife when we were guessing what it would become that it would be a bank or a thrift store. It became both! The deli became Thai, the corner store which I can't even remember what it was became an upscale hipster clothing store (for when you need something other than your Mr. Bubble shirt and skinny jeans) which has in-store cocktail events every few months. But the transmogrification of the neighborhood never totally took. Instead it moved on south to Division which went from a sunny, mostly one-story building stretch of barber shops and food carts and a Whole Foods (you know, your "average" Portland neighborhood!) to a shady Death Star trench of five or six story condominiums with businesses in the ground floor. Businesses like "artisinal" ice cream and...well, I can't really remember and I think "artisinal" ice cream says enough. I'm sure some place is still riding the last of the Pork Belly wave as well. I mostly avoid the place. Although the Bollywood Indian restaurant demands my patronage because Indian food, duh!

Back to Batgirl, Helena and Babs decide to work together because they both seem to be on the same mission. It doesn't matter what the mission is. This is an annual. The only thing that matters is that Babs and Dick need to meet up with each other. I have a feeling it's going to be one of those stories where Grayson narrowly avoids being seen by Gordon four or five times before the story ends with Batgirl none the wiser. Or maybe she will have noticed and she'll walk off with a quirky grin because she now knows Dick isn't dead.

"Body language." Dick is being modest about his ass.

The mission is to infiltrate an impenetrable tower which has a large open courtyard and balconies on every floor overlooking the empty space in the center. It's a lot like the latest Judge Dredd movie but with Dick Grayson as Judge Dredd and Babs and Helen as whatever other Judges helped out.

Near Miss #1!

Barbara and Damian must shop at the same shoelace store which sells the longest, loosest shoelaces they possibly can.

Near Miss #2!

Helena shouts something which prevents Babs running into Dick and making this an interesting story! Instead, the chase up the tower continues as the reader waits expectantly for the inevitable encounter (which will probably wind up being evitable).

Dick gets caught up battling the only really buff member of Gladius (the evil organization!) and Helena has to help him out. Batgirl goes on ahead and now Dick fears she's going to wind up seeing him. It's time to put on a disguise! Like maybe a sundress and a nice long blonde wig? Then maybe he can play Yakety Sax while they all run around beating up guards and Dick tries to constantly hide his face demurely behind a handkerchief. And maybe at some point Helena can stand behind a table full of fruit so it looks like a couple of cantaloupes are her breasts!

Batgirl makes it to the top of the tower first and comes face to face with Gladius's leader. But the leader has planted a bomb and makes her escape while Batgirl turns back to try to disarm the bomb (although Babs does stick a Bat-tracker on the fleeing terrorist). Dick Grayson arrives to help Barbara disarm the bomb although he's got his Spyral Hypnos running so Babs thinks she sees an old guy named Christian Kroger. I think now that we had the near misses, we're getting to the part where Babs will realize it's Dick without Dick realizing she realized it. Then she'll walk off with that smile I mentioned and maybe a pair of ruined underwear.

The bomb can't be deactivated (or else Helena doesn't really try to deactivate it because she thinks like Frankie who suggested blowing up the building earlier) and they have to jump from the tower with the UN diplomats who were hostages of Gladius. I know Batgirl didn't want to kill anybody but I think a lot of those guards she kept alive are now burning to death.

Oh, and of course, the recognition by butt shot. This is where the ruined underwear comes into play.

And this is the smile after possibly thinking it could have been Dick.

So that was the first part of the story. I think a bit of Yakety Sax would have improved the whole Benny Hill tone of it all.

The second part of the story has Batgirl chasing after the woman she placed the tracker on. While following the trace, Batgirl runs into Catwoman's sidekick, Spoiler. So now these two can have a fun adventure with each other and become best friends and make Frankie totally jealous! Unless Batgirl doesn't like being out-pepped by another young female hero.

Spoiler catches Gladius's leader when Batgirl points her out except it wasn't Gladius's leader! It was just another underling doing grunt work and spilling secrets about the Negahedron and how it's going to be used to destroy Gotham! Batgirl leaves Spoiler to take care of the terrorist and rushes off to play with Batwoman.

Batwoman and Batgirl beat up Gladius and learn more about the Negahedron. But Gladius gets away which leads Batgirl to the Gotham Academy Library where she's going to team up with Maps, probably! It won't be Olive because why would Batgirl team up with one of the Gotham Academy supporting cast instead of its main character?

Well, I guess Olive can appear as Maps' sidekick.

The Pizza Club with Guest Detective Batgirl find the head of the statue containing the blueprints of the Negahedron but the head is stolen by Gladius! She and Batgirl wind up on the roof ready to battle when Maps hits Gladius in the chin with her Batarang and saves the day! Of course. I would expect nothing less from Maps and her sidekick Olive Silverlock.

Gladius is captured and the microfiche is nearly destroyed and the librarian Mr. Scarlet shows up to declare some mysteries should remain mysteries. Maps rushes off to form Superhero Club. Olive goes off to pout. And Batgirl decides to spy on Maps for a bit because Maps would make an excellent date for Alysia's wedding and/or a superb sidekick!

Batgirl Annual #3 Rating: This annual should be held up as an example for all annuals everywhere. It was a superb annual with lots of guest stars that really should be part of Batgirl's world. Loved every second of it except for the seconds which weren't added which maybe could have had Batwoman making out with somebody. Hey, I'm still a man with inappropriate fantasies which co-opt the lesbian lifestyle for my own pleasure and gaze! Sue me!