Doomed #6

I don't know what these monsters are but I hope they win.

Now that this is the last issue of Doomed (I hope?), how long before Doomed becomes a regularly appearing guest in Red Hood Loves Arsenal? How proud do you think Scott Lobdell is with the creation of this character who is basically Spider-man with all of Spider-man's supporting cast? Alpha Centurion has already moved on to the Teen Titans because that book didn't already have enough awful characters that are all being under-utilized. I suppose if a writer doesn't have a story, it's always convenient to just bring in more heroes to battle the regular heroes in the book. Nobody thinks of it as overcrowded! It's just more possibilities for a buyer of comic books to see that their favorite character is in the story! So a lot like Doomed which needed to bring in Wonder Girl and then Superman to make sure somebody was still going to purchase the last couple of issues. Certainly not many people who read the first few issues planned on buying them.

See? Even Scott Lobdell knows the only people picking up this book are new to it and have no idea what Reiser looks like!

I'm glad Reiser thinks of himself as brilliant because I'm absolutely certain that nobody else would. What kind of an idiot puts on a hazmat suit to clean out a room used for quarantines at STAR Labs and decides to remove the helmet because it's too stuffy? That's the kind of thing an idiot would do. I hope my sister appreciates how I chose to use "idiot" in the last sentence rather than "my sister." I just figure not enough people reading this know my sister so they might have been confused by the sentiment.

The monster attacking Superman, Doomed, and Alpha Centurion is called Mother Herd. It doesn't have any breasts so it must be reptilian. Or avian. Or amphibian. Or...you know what? It's just not a mammal! But according to the cover, the bumps on its back are probably all of its little offspring. It's like one of those horrible spiders that carry all of the little baby spiders on its back which--considering I ever accidentally stumbled upon one of those or found one *SHUDDER* crawling on me--would instantly drive me insane. I like spiders. I let spiders live in my house. Sometimes I catch them and put them outside. But they still creep me the everloving fuck out. Especially when you feel something on your skin and look over and the spider is all, "Hi! Hi! I'm here! I'm on you! Whee! Isn't this pleasant?!" Then the spider is greeted with "AAARRRRRGLLEEE SPLARGGGLE!" as every muscle in my body explodes into action and I become an epileptic octopus.

Oh wait. Alpha Centurion is neither an Elizabethan nor a Roman. He's Thor. That fits in with the whole homage to (and not stolen at all) Spider-man theme going on here.

The art is horrible this issue.

Javier Fernandez must have gotten the script for this month's issue and thought, "Wait. I thought this was already cancelled?! I don't have time for this shit!"

I suppose I should also blame the colorist since Ulises is probably responsible for giving Superman the plastic Count Dracula wig.

Doomed-man sits back and watches Superman and Alpha Centurion do most of the fighting. That way, Scott Lobdell can fill the entire comic book with Doomed-man's thoughts. He can't speak in a comprehensible language so instead he Roy Harpers up the joint. That means he stinks it up while thinking stupid shit that sounds like he's spinning commentary on the shittiest movie ever made. Dumb people appreciate that kind of comic book writing. Without the Narration Boxes, things might get ambiguous. And you know what they say about ambiguity! It's the Twitter Mob's Playground!

Doomed-man begins to empathize with the monster because he knows what it's like to be thought of as a monster even when you're not. Hmm. I wonder who else in this group might empathize with that? Who else in this group has constantly been harassed by people thinking he's a monster? And what asshole writer thought it was an appropriate way to write him and the people of Metropolis? That was a clue!

It's Superman! Superman is the one I was talking about! Who did you think I meant? Alpha Centurion? Oh, you!

So basically this might be the only story Scott Lobdell knows how to write. Hero is hated by everybody and must learn to deal with it. He did get his big break writing The X-men and that's about 98% of all X-men stories.

But now this book is about Doomed-man and not about Superman. So even though Superman has been going through the things Doomed-man is now going through, Superman won't be the one to think that maybe Mother Herd is just being judged unfairly. No, now Superman will be a perpetrator of prejudice and ignorance! It's up to Lobdell's new main focus to show that not everybody who looks like a monster actually is a monster. The reverse is also true! Scott Lobdell doesn't look like a monster but would you want him under your bed or in your closet anyway?

Oh no! Aunt May's dog thinks it's a dalmatian and is running towards the danger!

Mother Herd throws a ship on top of Superman which causes him to almost drown. But Doomed-man picks it up and saves the day! He also decapitates Mother Herd with it. I guess the empathizing wasn't very serious. It was just to show that Doomed-man cares more than other heroes who simply begin throwing punches at anything that looks different from them.

Superman is out cold long enough for Alpha Centurion to turn his heroic rage against Doomed-man since Doomed-man, you know, looks like a monster. Even though he, you know, helped defeat Mother Herd. I feel like Scott Lobdell has been beating me about the head with a battleship throughout this whole series. "Don't judge a book by its cover, guys!"

Luckily Superman gains consciousness in time to stop Alpha Centurion. That's also when Doomed-man finally finds the ability to speak. I guess so that somebody will still want to use him in a later book. If he couldn't talk, he might just go the way of Skitters and never appear again. And even though Superman saved him, Superman still believes he needs to take Doomed-man in to STAR Labs because he's a danger to other people.

Maybe somebody who isn't running around with possibly the most dangerous virus in the solar system can make that argument. You though? You go to STAR Labs Prison.

Oui Oui appears and finally shows that she likes Doomed-man. Superman points out that he also has a dog so he's going to let the guy with the contagious Doomsday virus go about his business infecting everybody he coughs on. Totally got to watch the backs of your fellow dog lovers, you know?!

Oh sure. That sounds like a better plan than getting Reiser the medical treatment he needs. Let him be a hero until he fucks up and then make him disappear. Is this Batman in a Superman mask?

I hope this comic book doesn't end with "Not the end!" because I don't want to have to scan another picture just to prove that I knew it would end with "Not the end!"

Whew! It doesn't end that way. But it does end mentioning how Doomed-man will be in Teen Titans #14. Why am I still reading that comic book?! It just keeps getting worse and worse!

Mary Jayne did not make an appearance in this issue. I think Superman may have killed her.

Doomed #6 Rating: No change. Scott Lobdell does not have characters guest star in his comic books so that he can utilize the things that make those characters great to make his stories better. No, he just brings them in so that they can say something horrible or awful and stupid which the main character of his book can point out is horrible or awful or stupid which makes his main character look better by comparison. In this issue, Superman does not offer to help Doomed recover in any way. He just shrugs and points out that the virus is incurable. Then he lets Doomed go about his business instead of trying to get him medical attention for the virus that is turning him into Doomsday. So what if Doomed can now speak in the Doomsday form. He's still becoming Doomsday! That could be a catastrophe! But Superman trusts that this kid has got things under control instead of helping the kid to find a cure or, if that fails, helping the kid to control the virus inside him. No, instead Superman decides to let him go about unsupervised and threatens to make him disappear if Doomed ever does anything wrong ever again. Superman! What a guy! Also I'm glad this comic book has ended and please do not put Scott Lobdell on any more comic books, DC. Just let Red Hood Loves Arsenal run its course and let old Scotty fade into obscurity! Or take him back around the barn and deal with him. He's your dog now!

Doomed #5

Wouldn't that be great if this kid did turn into Doomsday and killed Superman again? And it was all written by Scott Lobdell?!

Remember when The New 52 was too new and fresh to have any serious errors in its past? The only thing readers could roll their eyes and scoff at was how nobody at DC Comics knew the difference between The Arctic and Antarctica! Now DC Comics has collected so much baggage (full of turds, of course) over the last four years that it's practically crying out for the next big company-wide reboot: Eternal Crisis on Infinite Multiverses! Or--and this might be a better idea because it only involves one step to fix everything--DC could fire Scott Lobdell! Okay, that wouldn't actually fix everything. Greg Pak is still over there ruining the Superman part of the franchise (although if I want to feel charitable to Greg Pak, I suppose I could blame Eddie Berganza for that failure since every book he edits is a big enough turd to clog a Las Vegas hotel toilet). And Cullen Bunn spends most of his time taping dingleberries to pieces of paper and handing them in as his Lobo scripts. And let's not forget Tony S. Daniel although you probably wish I would have let you forget Tony S. Daniel. Sorry! Looking at the ten worst comic books that DC publishes, they're written by those four guys! Oh, and Will Pfeifer. I think I was kind of letting him off the hook because he's just making "snow" angels in the filth that Lobdell left behind.

This issue begins with Superman Narration Boxing while he's about to be smooched by Doomsday. It's a totally Lobdelled first page in that it's a boring image with lots of Narration Boxes. Most writers try to start off their comic books by catching the reader's attention and making them interested in turning the page to find out more. Lobdell would rather make the first page as boring as possible so that the reader can eagerly look forward to more interesting pages as they work their way to the final page where they realize the interesting pages are in different comic books.

I'd ask who thought it was a good idea to let Scott Lobdell write Superman again but I already know it was that jerk Eddie Berganza. One time at a comedy open mic night, one of the "comedians" spent his entire time on stage wishing that I would get cancer, so I know how funny it is to wish cancer on someone (even if the guy stole his entire "I hope you get cancer" two minute act from Howard Stern who did that bit for like ten years). I mean, I would never wish a horrible disease on anybody no matter how good the act is. But I think I can wish that Eddie Berganza would win the lottery and choose to retire from comics! Now I just need to find a Wiki-dictionary where I can change the definition of "lottery" to "the act of getting hit by a bus."

Can't comic book editors return a script to a writer and say, "No. This is bad. Do it over"? I'm going to ask Gail Simone!

Superman is explaining Doomsday to Mary Jayne. Except Superman doesn't know what he's talking about for some reason. I'm not sure what that reason is. I mean, he's Superman. He should be at least somewhat intelligent! But instead he's all, "If Doomsday is killed, somebody else becomes Doomsday because that's a thing now! I totally know because I was in this event called 'Doomed' which was different than the comic book we're in now. But since I was Doomsday, you just have to believe that I know what I'm talking about! And I'm here because I broke into STAR Labs because I can't use my Fortress of Solitude which is in either the Arctic or the Antarctic and I probably haven't stolen all of Batman's Batcomputers yet, I guess. So I needed STAR Labs' computers for something inconsequential and I just happened to walk around the right corner and find you researching Doomsday! Now I'm here to help!" And Mary Jayne is all, "Please don't kill me!" That's a typical reaction to Superman in all of the poorly written DC Comics because suddenly nobody trusts him because they just realized he's an alien after knowing he's an alien for years.

Mary Jayne spills Peter Parker's secret to Superman and Superman leaps over to talk with Peter. Hopefully Roman doesn't decide to turn into the Gladiator or whatever and beat on Superman because Superman is an alien.

While Clark and Peter hug, Roman gets a cramp that will turn him into Alpha Centurion or whatever. It had to happen because somebody has to start a violent misunderstanding.

Of course he is, Clark. He's a teen character written by Scott Lobdell. That means he's better than adults at all the stuff.

Peter decides he can't trust Superman because...well, do I have to keep explaining how awful writers don't know how to write Superman? So everybody just mistrusts him which completely subverts the whole reason for him. He's supposed to be a beacon of hope. Instead, he's become a monster to fear. I suppose Peter can blame his Doomsday Virus on being such a mistrustful jerk but he was just scanned by Superman and he's fine! So it's really just the same thing that makes everybody else in the world an asshole: fear. Which, remember, is stupid because only stupid morons fear Superman and I'm sick of reading stories where people fear Superman. Boo! Hiss!

After Doomed-Man punches Superman, he flees. But Superman catches up to him and says, "You have one chance! Let me help you!" And this time, Peter is all, "Okay! I totally trust you!"

...

...

...

...

FUCKING BULLSHIT GODDAMN PIECE OF FUCKING FUCK FUCKER FUCK! If somebody gave me a time machine to go back in time to kill Baby Hitler, I would instead use it to go back in time and murder Tom DeFalco. Sorry, Tom. I suppose I could kill Baby Scott but he's not the real villain in his own story. He was just a guy who couldn't write who had the tenacity to keep trying and the sociopathic ability to spot a weak editor that would actually allow him into the business. Seriously, if you ever want to take the time to hear how Scott Lobdell got his big break in comic books, click on the first linked footnote in his Wikipedia page. Basically he got into comic books because Tom DeFalco was too fucking lazy to do his job.

I hope I don't get arrested for Thought Time Crimes now!

Anyway, Peter has to turn into Doomed-Man and punch Superman (even though he trusts Superman three seconds later) because Alpha Centurion has to come upon Superman hanging out with Doomed-Man. Now Alpha Centurion has a good reason to misunderstand everything and commit violence against Superman!

See?! Who doesn't know Superman is from Krypton! And they've known forever! But they're just now afraid of him for being an alien! I wonder if all this time the idiotic populace of the DC You just thought Krypton was a nation in Russia?

I wonder why Alpha Centurion speaks like a modern person who's trying to sound like an Elizabethan thug? Were most of those guys Romans?

Alpha Centurion beats the crap out of Doomed-Man for a bit. Doomed-Man equates Centurion's hitting power to that of a mountain if it had fists. So he's pretty strong if he can knock Little Doomsday around. But not stronger than Lost-His-Powers Superman because Superman grabs them both by the fists and stops them from fighting. Once again, Superman's current power level is determined by what he needs to accomplish in the plot.

Actually they weren't tearing up the city. They were just destroying a single ship. A ship which you, Superman, first threw Doomed-Man into anyway. So it was already broken before they began fighting.

And then a fifty foot tall monster erupts out of the ground so that the heroes can finally work together.

Doomed #5 Rating: -2 Ranking. Wasn't this some kind of Marvel formula in one of the earlier decades? Two heroes have a misunderstanding that erupts into violence. They battle for a bit saying things like "No time to explain!" and "J. Jonah Jameson's editorial said you were an asshole!" before they both realize they're actually hunting the same villain. Then they team up to defeat the villain and they become good friends until the next time a writer is feeling lazy and needs an easy conflict for his story. Maybe that's just a normal plot contrivance and I shouldn't blame it completely on Marvel. If it was a Marvel idea, DC stole it like they steal everything Marvel does, according to Marvel Fangenders. This story was so formulaic that it was almost competently written! How could Scott Lobdell fuck up a story that he's written about five hundred times already?! But being Lobdell, he screwed it up anyway. I mean, since when do Roman's speak like Elizabethans?! Aside from Spartacus, of course.

Doomed #4

Poor Wonder Girl! She thought she was free from being written by Lobdell!

Last night I put away my huge stack of comic books from the last few months. I also reorganized the six short boxes which housed the current DC titles (along with a bunch that had been cancelled since last I put comic books away). I used two of the boxes to to hold cancelled titles and four of the boxes for the current titles. When I was done, I was left with a stack of comic books twice as tall as when I had begun! I think I broke some laws of physics last night!

Before I begin commenting on Doomed, let me present a cheat sheet for how I'm discussing it so that anybody reading this isn't confused. This is obviously Scott Lobdell's DC version of Spider-man. So I'll be calling the main character Peter and his monstrous alter-ego, Doomed-man. The girl he works with at STAR Labs is Mary Jayne (I think her real name is Jayne?). The homeless girl he almost had sex with is Gwen. And his old, decrepit aunt is, of course, Aunt May. I just wanted everybody to understand this so they didn't accidentally think I was doing reviews on Marvel comics which would negate my exclusivity contract with DC Comics and kill my Mountain Dew endorsement deal.

The comic book begins with Doomed-man being punched over and over again by Wonder Girl. The action scene is ruined by Doomed-man thinking too many poorly written thoughts to himself. He thinks things like "That hurt. A lot" and "This girl is hardcore" and "She punches like she's got two battleships taped to her wrists!" That last one was so clever that it needed an exclamation point. What kind of horrible, awful, sexually harassing editor who loves to blackmail people would allow this kind of shoddy writing to make it to publication?

This would reflect poorly on Wonder Girl's character if she had even just once since The New 52 began acted heroically.

This scene began with a "NOW" caption so I'm afraid I'm going to be forced to read the situation that led up to this battle that means nothing. Why are Wonder Girl and Doomed-man fighting? No reason! It's not like it's going to move any kind of plot along because the fight between them is, most likely, the entire plot. So sit back and enjoy a bit of story which probably took less time for Scott Lobdell to write than it takes for Eddie Berganza to come in his pants while rubbing up against women at the crowded office Christmas party.

The flashback comes (just like Eddie on a crowded subway!) just as the fight between Doomed-man and Wonder Girl was not getting any more interesting. One half hour earlier, Peter decided it would be a good idea to ring Aunt May's doorbell while still looking like Doomed-man. I bet he gets hit with a purse! Or a broom!

Doomed-man doesn't actually reveal himself to Aunt May. He chickens out at the last instant and heads over to the abandoned amusement park. Metropolis sure has a lot of abandoned places to not bring your kids. A zoo last issue and now a park. I bet the Collateral Superman Damage Insurance was just too expensive and shut a lot of places down.

Don't worry, Peter. You'll only have to put up with this crap for a couple more issues. And then you'll cease to exist because who the fuck is going to care about this character ever reappearing in the DC Universe?

Doomed-man blows his load and creates a huge crater in the abandoned amusement park. Since his transformations take place when he gets sexually excited, it only makes sense that he turns back into Peter after he orgasms. He passes out in his "webstuff" and is then approached by Gwen. She speaks "monstre" to him (that's the stupid name of the stupid language that Peter suddenly knows how to speak as Doomed-man) and he transforms back into a naked boy.

This is about par for Wonder Girl's characterization since the Reboot. So unlikeable!

At the end of the last issue, The Elite arrived to help take care of the Metropolis Monster. But being that Scott Lobdell simply begins writing new stories every month instead of continuing the stories from the previous month, he's now decided he only wants to write Wonder Girl in this issue (Alternate Theory: Eddie Berganza was too busy groping women to do his job). So the explanation for Kid Flash and Power Girl not appearing in this issue? Wonder Girl "ordered them away." And never you fucking mind where she sent them! What does that have to do with the plot of Doomed-man fighting Wonder Girl? That's just extraneous bullshit that doesn't add drama or tension.

Other people who take off their containment suits while scrubbing down a quarantine room full of weird ass shit do fucking deserve it. You know, like you do. Totally fair. Asshole.

As Peter tries to cover up his shame (his nakedness, not his horrible characterization), Wonder Girl breaks through the roof and says, "You're going down, Monster Man." Of course it triggers his transformation. Seriously, if a beautiful woman smashes into the room and says something like that to me, I'm going to go full boner too! And so the comic book returns to where it started. It should have never started there in the first place. Just fucking start your story from the beginning if you're going to tell the whole story anyway. The only reason to begin in the middle is because you're going to continue from the middle.

Doomed-man saves Wonder Girl from being crushed as she tries to kill him which is the tired old way of showing the hero that the person they're fighting isn't a bad person at all. Wonder Girl lassos him with her Baby Lasso of Truth and he turns back into a human boy. Good thing because that erotic asphyxiation stuff can be really dangerous and awesome feeling.

Wonder Girl tells Peter that with great monstrosity comes great responsibility. Then she gives him Red Robin's phone number so that asshole can deal with him. And then she leaves!

On the final page, Mary Jayne discovers that the head of Doomsday was the last thing in the quarantine room (which she's still calling a Clean Room because she's a stupid fucking jerko). And then Superman shows up because he doesn't have any respect for private property and he doesn't know how to knock and he may actually be looking for some heavy anal fisting action because he's got red handkerchiefs hanging out of his pockets.

Doomed #4 Rating: -2 Ranking. The point of this issue was for Wonder Girl to sympathize with Doomed-man because she's like him with her invisible hate armor which turns her into a monster as well. But she's learned how to control it and has decided she's not a danger to anybody anymore even though she's a completely selfish asshole. When she discovers that Doomed-man is just a kid named Peter Parker who can't control his powers, she tells him he's going to be okay and allows him to run free in Metropolis. Yay for sympathetic bonding that leaves the entire population of Metropolis at risk! Somebody didn't learn anything about great responsibility and great power! It's one thing to trust him if he can control his powers. But to leave him alone without any help is completely irresponsible. But Scott Lobdell doesn't give a shit about the world the characters live in. He just wants to have two teenagers trust each other and have faith in each other and to point out that the adult world is bullshit, amirite?! Fuck those STAR assholes! They're exactly like NOWHERE! High five! Seriously though. This almost could have possibly been a decent issue if the characters weren't being written as if they live in a vacuum. I hope Doomed-man destroys Metropolis next issue.

Doomed #3

I have no idea why this title even exists.

What do I care if this Doomed-man is hunted? I don't even know him yet! He was just a normal kid until he was bitten by a spider ate a bad germ and suddenly gained super powers. Now he has to deal with being a young kid in college trying to watch over his aunt and dealing with rent and dating and roommates and, quite possibly, an angry boss that thinks Doomed is a super villain. The first two issues have given me no reason to like the kid except that he must be nice because he sort of shrugged his shoulders when he nearly killed his aunt's dog which he hates. Also he pointed out that he didn't want anybody to be hurt when that bus crashed into him. Plus he almost had sex with a beautiful homeless woman and that makes me admire him? I guess?

The kid's name is Reiser or something? I wish Lobdell had just kept calling him Peter because Peter is easier to remember. Plus Doomed-man's transformation only seems to kick in when he becomes sexually aroused. So maybe that's why I should like this character. His story is an analogy about becoming sexually active. At least I think it is. If Lobdell wasn't Lobdell, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and believe that he meant to develop this theme. But I think I might be reading too much into it. The story is better if you pretend it's about sex though.

The issue begins three years ago when Roman (Reiser's gay superhero roommate) and his boyfriend are shot at the Metropolitan Museum of Oddity. They must have just discovered sex because it really fucks up a person's life if they're not ready for it. Remember how this comic book is about being punished for sex? Roman's boyfriend is dying from a gunshot wound so Roman leaves him to go get help. And since everything is so sad and scary, he makes sure to make a "worst class trip ever" joke. Sometimes you just have to lighten the pain and tension of your loved one dying by laughing and then becoming a super hero.

Mars was gay? That's a beard joke that eventually nobody will understand because homosexuals shouldn't have to pretend to be anything but themselves. I mean, unless they have unlikeable personalities. Then totally pretend to be somebody else because nobody can stand you.

Three years later, Roman's probably still mourning his first love so that DC doesn't have to show any more images of men kissing. Some guy will hit on him and he'll be all, "It's too soon! TOO SOON!" Roman seems happy as he and Peter walk Aunt May's dog in the park. Get this! The dog doesn't like Peter but it likes everybody else. Ha ha! Classic.

It turns out Roman doesn't have control of the Roman who takes over his body when he ties a cute little scarf around his thigh. Note the subtle use of Roman's name to indicate he's the vessel for Alpha Centurion, a Roman. And Peter's name shows that he's a vessel for his penis when it takes over. Neither one of them can control their bodies when thoughts of sex intrude. I can't wait until they battle so I can imagine them slapping their erect penises together.

Apparently Roman was only in the park to find a bush that might suck his dick. Peter has come to meet his co-intern Jayne. She's also super hot because she's a female in a comic book who isn't old or Amanda Waller.

Adorbs. Check. OMG. Check. Totally nailed young people. Check.

Mary Jayne just met Peter once at work the previous day. If I were here, I wouldn't have ten minutes for him at all, and I'm not even a...well, whatever she was going to suggest Peter thinks she is. Unless, of course, I was sexually attracted to the person asking me to meet them in the park. Then I'd find a nice bush and wait for them to stick their...I mean, I'd ask where to meet up and have a pleasant conversation getting to know them.

Peter considers telling Mary Jayne about how he met this chick named...oh, I don't know...Gwen? and almost totally nailed her without any protective gear. But instead he tells her the sex analogy about how he took off his protective gear in the "Clean Room" (which isn't a clean room at all but a quarantine room) and might possibly have gotten an infection of some form or another. Warts, maybe. The best part about thinking about telling Mary Jayne about his near sexual encounter is that he gets to picture Gwen naked in just a towel and you can see like three-quarters of her boobs! I hope just remembering that doesn't turn him into Doomed-Man!

Sure, keep whatever hideous disease you caught just to keep Mary Jayne's job safe. How about not giving a shit what she thinks? How about going to some lawyer and suing the shit out of STAR Labs for putting an intern's life in danger without any training or proper direction his first night on the job?

Peter apologizes for nearly costing Mary Jayne her job. She then declares they'll "figure this out." Figure what out? He said he's fine! What is there to figure out?! I don't think she's the genius she claims to be.

Mary Jayne leaves to go investigate the, ahem, "Clean Room" for any evidence of radioactive spiders. Peter is left to fantasize about graduating and getting a good job and marrying Mary Jayne and looking at Mary Jayne holding a baby while he looks into a microscope because of course he would continue to be a scientist and she would stay home in her baggy overalls taking care of the baby. I'm just glad he didn't fantasize about the only part of the relationship that would actually be worth fantasizing about or else he'd have become Doomed-man! And that would have...well, it wouldn't have done anything, I guess. It's not like he goes into some kind of Hulkian rage. He just becomes super strong and invulnerable and ugly. I can't imagine people at the park would pay him any mind. They'd probably just think he was with the Elmo and the Buzz Lightyear deeper in the park asking for tips for pictures.

After Peter finishes his fantasy where he's successful and married and Mary Jayne has given up all of her hopes and dreams for a baby, he realizes Aunt May's dog is missing. Ha ha! Classic!

Oh, I don't know. Everything?

Good thing Miles knew that Peter would be able to track Aunt May's dog deep into the park and into the abandoned zoo. Because now they can battle without any innocent bystanders getting hurt.

Peter gets a boner (I guess a slight breeze blew across the front of his jeans) and he erupts into Doomed-man. That's when he discovers Miles wants to kill him. Also, Miles can understand his monster language. Which is called--shudder--"Monstre'".

Peter talks the kid into letting him live for now because the kid isn't really a kid but Peter actually is. So Milo takes off for now but he'll probably be back to work with Doomed-man as his genius tech guy. That way whenever a plot gets too complicated, Milo can appear with his new Canis Ex Machina device and the day will be saved.

Meanwhile, STAR Labs has brought some of The Elite over from New York so that they can battle Doomed-man, just like always! Doomed-man is always tangling with other superheroes because nobody knows who he is! Also they all think he's a bad guy but that wasn't every part of the theme song.

Doomed #3 Rating: No change. Remember when you were young and you wanted some Transformers for Christmas and you asked your grandparents and they were all, "Transformers? What are these Transformers?" And you were all, "They're cars that turn into robots! Or robots that turn into cars! They're cool and neat!" But of course you left off how expensive they were because you were crossing your fingers and making your bedtime wishes and pretending to be on your best behavior in the hopes that your grandparents would be suckers enough to pick you up an Optimus Prime. And then you saw the present they got you wrapped up under the tree and it was too small to be Optimus Prime but, hey, maybe they got you Bumblebee, right?! And then on Christmas Eve when your family gathered to open presents, you excitedly ripped into the present and discovered that your grandparents only understood three things when you asked them for the Transformer: robot, car, and cheap. What you were left with was a Gobot. Well, that's what Doomed is. Doomed is what your grandparents got you when what you really wanted was Spider-man.

Doomed #2

Is this a memoir of Scott Lobdell's teen years?

Last issue we learned that Reiser, the protagonist, transforms into an unintelligible monster whenever he becomes sexually aroused. So he's really just like any other male in his late teens or early twenties or late twenties or early thirties or late thirties or early forties or late forties or early fifties or late fifties or early sixties or late sixties or early seventies. I guess I'll stop there because I have to stop somewhere. Reiser must be a late bloomer since he's only now going through this awkward transformation due to his newly found sexuality. He's probably really confused right now and hoping that he'll eventually find a cure. Poor guy doesn't realize there is no cure for Bonernesia. Once that dick gets hard, all higher functions cease because brain power diverts to trying to find somebody willing to touch it. Maybe that's why Reiser's aunt has Alzheimer's? It's a reflection of his current condition.

The issue begins with some nerdy kid who is actually an alien bounty hunter killing his coach in gym because his coach is a chameleon-like Platharian wanted in three panverses and worth one million barrings. I state this as a matter of fact because I'd like to discuss how this narrative begins. The bounty hunter begins by discussing "humanity" and how cruel Earth kids can be. It's a very distinct train of thought from "humanity" supposedly meaning how people care for one another but in reality we see the opposite, especially when it comes to children. This is backed up by how cruelly the bounty hunter who looks like a small child is treated in gym class. But then the narration takes a turn from "humans are cruel" to "Platharians, though? Whole other species." At this point, I'm expecting the turn in narration to have some connection to the previous bit about kids and cruelty. But instead the alien bounty hunter just goes on to explain how Platharians hide among other races like chameleons. Then the bounty hunter kills the coach and walks off content in the knowledge that the kids that had just been mean to him will grow up to be "miserable puffed-up losers" (as if that's going to happen. I bet most of them have sex at an early age and become super successful and continue to have lots of sex. Lots of sex is important to not being a loser! I think).

Most people probably won't care how the narrative style makes little sense because it manages to seem to make sense. But what it really is is evidence of a writer who doesn't have any idea where his story is going when he begins it. Now that's not a huge flaw; many writers don't have it all planned out. But what is horrible is that he obviously didn't bother to rewrite his script once he finished because this bit should have been (and could easily have been) a nicely encapsulated introduction with a beginning, middle, and end that all worked together thematically. He does end it with the little alien bounty hunter guy being mean to the kids who began being mean to him. But he never ties in the chameleon to the theme. He should mention in what way the Platharians are mean (or not mean) and why he needs to kill this one aside from it being wanted in three "panverses."

Fuck. I'm not even going to get into the use of the term "panverses."

After the introduction to the new subplot (subplots are easy to introduce and can fill lots of pages), Doomed climbs out of a manhole to reremember everything he just remembered last issue.

The entire first issue was a flashback as Doomed remembered all of this. So now he has to remember it again one minute later? I'm sure it won't make the Trade feel redundant.

A bus hits Doomed in the back of the head and it flips over and skids down the street. Doomed rescues the bus driver but, since he looks like a monster, she thinks he's attacking her. And the cops arrive and of course they're going to attack him! They even attack Superman now! But Doomed does some kind of blinding blast and escapes before they can shoot him. Clarice watches the entire thing from a fire escape down the street.

In the morning, Reiser returns to the apartment sore and beaten up but back in human form. His gay super hero roommate Roman the Alpha Centurion helps Reiser crash on their couch. Roman then thinks about whether or not he should report this to the people running the Alpha Centurion program.

In the meantime, Miles the childlike alien bounty hunter sniffs out Doomed's trail. Oh boy, I can't wait until that crazy battle! What a bunch of cutups!

Doomed #2 Rating: No change. Not much happened in this issue. Doomed was still waiting for his boner from last issue to go down. Then he had to recover with a nice long nap after blowing his load to get away from the cops. But seriously. This is the second issue and nearly nothing new happens to the protagonist. We get seven pages dedicated to Doomed's first antagonist and two pages dedicated to repeating the first issue. Then there are four pages of the bus accident where we discover that--big fucking surprise--Reiser doesn't want to be responsible for killing anybody. Whew! Good to get that out of the way so we know he's not a monster even though he looks exactly like a monster! We get two pages spent on Reiser and Roman which should have been the meat of this issue. Give the readers a feel for their relationship as opposed to Reiser constantly reminding us that Roman is his best friend. Let them fucking interact instead of Reiser collapsing in his arms. Cut down the fucking Miles and bus scenes and build up your fucking main character! Maybe Reiser is just the least interesting character in the comic book? I bet Miles is the main character! I wonder what it means that he looks like a child? Is this sexy romp through adolescence going to take a weird, pervy turn?

Doomed #1

Has a comic book ever been so aptly named?!

"Is he hero or villain?" That could have been the tagline for Lobdell's entire run on Superman! Lobdell learned early on while writing the X-men that you can take the theme of heroes being feared by the public and run it into the ground without ever losing your job for never coming up with a new idea. Now he's going to do his take on Peter Parker, I bet! This kid Reiser has a girlfriend and an Aunt and a best friend who is actually a super hero and his enemy! Okay, so Parker's best friend was a villain and not a hero but it's all kind of the same thing. Plus, like Spider-man, Doomed is misunderstood by the public! I bet Perry White totally hates him as well. He'll probably keep yelling at Jimmy Olsen to get a fucking photo of that fucking fuckity fuck Doomed-man fuck! Unless Reiser is also a photographer for the Daily Planet because why not make the comparison so on the nose it can't help but be thought of as satire?

Are all y'all super excited to read about a troubled kid's troubled life but who has lots and lots of fun being a heroic monster?! I'm not.

The issue begins, as all Scott Lobdell issues do, with a full page panel of nothing exciting happening and lots of Narration Boxes. This time he makes certain that his Narration Boxes make no sense unless you squint really hard and punch yourself in the groin a few times and slam three fingers in a door.

Instead of doing Omniscient Narration, Lobdell likes to do First Person Second Guess Yourself Narration.

If I allow myself to interpret what's being said instead of just boggling at the nonsense of what's literally being said, I believe the reader is supposed to understand that Doomed passed out in a penthouse high above the city and has awakened underground because he was tossed out of it and crashed through the streets below. If you read the Narration Boxes as they're written, Doomed is guessing he's under the city because he passed out under the city and then he has a non sequitur about a penthouse and then he continues with his affirmations attesting to his underground location. The astute reader might also notice that Doomed does not have genitals.

So Doomed doesn't know he's Doomed at this moment and he's just beginning to realize that he fell through the street. So the first page doesn't make sense at all because there's an error in the script somewhere. The editors probably didn't question it because the editors never question Lobdell's mistakes. My theory is that they can't stand reading his scripts and just let him do whatever he wants rather than subject themselves to his bullshit stories. My other theory is that they point out when he's written something incomprehensible and he points out that it's a joke that they don't understand and if he changes it, the joke will be ruined. Then the editors get tired of trying to convince Lobdell that he has never written a single joke in his career and they head over to the DC Comics Bar located directly across the hall from Lobdell's office because it makes the most money there.

Reiser (Doomed's real name if you haven't figured it out by the way I used it earlier) wipes away the dust from a smashed subway mirror to "survey the damage" when he gets a look at himself as Doomed. Then he screams, "Hrunng coooorrwwol?!" That translates to "What the hell?" and not "Hung coral" like you might have suspected. It's probably at this point where the story will flashback to Reiser doing some of his interning at STAR Labs before whatever accident turned him into Doomed.

See? Comic books are easy to write. Especially when you don't give a shit about quality.

Now remember! Reiser doesn't remember how he turned into this monster or how he wound up underground or what happened in the penthouse last night. But he's going to tell us the story anyway!

Reiser was accepted as an intern at STAR Labs where he'll probably be bitten by a radioactive Doomsday. But before that happens, the reader must be told that Reiser is a super duper genius because every character Scott Lobdell writes must be the absolute alpha best at whatever the person does. Sure, that's kind of a staple with lots of super heroes. But it helps the reader to believe somebody like Roy Harper is a genius by showing him do smart things. The problem with Lobdell is that he makes sure the reader knows Roy is a genius simply to explain how Roy magically transforms a blender into a tranquilizer rifle with kryponite bullets that he's now using to render Superman unconscious.

As an intern, Reiser is shown every secret project at STAR Labs including the super fast running guy project and the universe within a room project and the insane tyrannosaurus project. But apparently their are rooms with things more secretive than even the Dinosaur Asylum.

Whew! I was worried Lobdell wouldn't set up the "adults versus youth" theme!

Reiser and Jayne wind up getting intern positions sterilizing the quarantine unit because that's the best way to get Reiser infected with the Doomsday virus. It's also the best way for STAR Labs to conduct business when Rule #1 of orientation was "Don't get killed." It also allows for Jayne to get off on the wrong foot with her soon-to-be fuckbuddy Reiser by snapping at him and calling him an idiot. I bet she's also thinking (although the reader doesn't get to see her Narration Boxes for some reason), "He's really sexy...for a moron!" Or "I can't wait to satisfy him sexually while he completely ignores my needs even though he's an idiot and a jerk and I hate him completely!" Or "*sigh* He's so dreamy...for a tool!"

Before the before the night shift scene, Reiser has to go home to meet with his roommate Roman. They also have to bump into their neighbor Clark Kent. And in case you're one of the dumb idiot morons who like Scott Lobdell's comic books, there's a shot of Clark's mailbox with C. Kent on it so you'd realize it was Superman. Damn it. Now I've fallen so far into the Hating Scott Lobdell Rabbit Hole that I'm attacking readers who actually like him! Sorry about that. It's not fair to attack people just because they fail at being discerning.

Roman says (about Clark), "Glad he's not one of them." Reiser asks, "Them?" And Roman acts as if that's the stupidest question in the world. I guess I'm stupid because what the fuck is Roman talking about?! Is he talking about applicants to be their new roommate because if Clark were an applicant Roman would have to accept him because Roman wants to introduce Clark to a Roman Face Mask? Or does he call it the Alpha Centurion Face Mask? It's his power move!

Roman didn't choose Clarice because of either her deformed legs or her vagina.

Before the night shift, Reiser visits his Aunt Belle because she's probably suffering from Alzheimer's which makes for some decent comedy. Also it shows that Reiser cares for other people. Plus he throws a tennis ball at the window and Aunt Belle's little dog Oui Oui crashes through it. Ha ha!

While cleaning the quarantine room at STAR Labs (and not cleaning the "clean room" like Reiser calls it), he takes off the helmet to his Hazmat suit and gets some gunk from the walls on him. But he figures it's probably no problem because why would there be anything dangerous in a room where they put people who might have contracted something dangerous? Duh!

After work, Reiser runs into Clarice who takes him up to the penthouse apartment in the future Lex Plaza. Because that's the apartment they have completed to show prospective residents. Also there is no security because why would Lex worry about keeping any of his projects secure?!

Clarice begins to take a shower and then calls Reiser to come join her. That's when he turns into Doomed for the first time because I guess boners make him change.

Whoops!

Doomed #1 Rating: I didn't realize this was going to be an allegory for sexual awakening and sexually transmitted diseases. But I guess that makes sense. Reiser contracts the disease because he didn't use protection. Then the disease manifests when he's about to have a sexual experience and it kills the mood (and maybe several innocent bystanders!). Now whenever Reiser becomes aroused, he turns into an incomprehensible monster! Sound familiar, ladies? Maybe that's why as Doomed, Reiser has no genitals. Because he's actually a huge walking, grunting, super-powered penis! Even the title is perfect! Once a guy's boner begins taking control, his life as he knew it is done. This comic book is actually going to be unintentionally good! Because I'm not giving Scott Lobdell credit for actually conceiving of this story as a book about a guy coming into his sexuality.

Convergence: Superman #2

Nailed it!

Convergence has had so many Superman titles that I have no idea which Superman was in this one. I remember it starred skinny emo Flashpoint Superman as the bad guy trying to get into Lois Lane's preggo panties. And Jimmy Olsen fucked everything up for Superman the way that Jimmy Olsen always does because he's less "Superman's Pal" and more "Superman's Charity Case." I guess it doesn't matter which Superman stars in this. It could be the one that gets his powers because Earth's gravity is lighter than Krypton's or it could be the Superman who gets his powers from the yellow sun or it could be the Superman who can't even hold his breath while traveling in space anymore or it could be the Superman that has only ever sweat once in his lifetime and that's when he benchpressed five hundred million Earths. No wait. That was Scott Lobdell's horrible New 52 Superman and he's off practicing his new FWASH power in another part of the multiverse right now.

I'm surprised Flashpoint Batman knows how to use a Batcomputer. Get it? Because he's fucking old!

The Flashpoint Batcomputer is an idiot. It usually knows everything! All Batman has to do is key in the right questions and it's all, "I have solved the crime. Beep beep beep. It was The Riddler. Beep beep beep." Remember when it used to spit out bits of paper instead of speaking? Um, anyway, the Flashpoint Batcomputer has cameras watching Superman battle the other Flashpoint heroes and Batman is all, "He's Kryptonian. And gay." And the Batcomputer is all, "Beep beep beep. It's possible. Beep beep beep. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Beep beep beep." And then Batman is all, "Is he from the universe that that kid Barry whom I gave the letter to was from?" And the Batcomputer is all, "I don't know how to answer that. Would you like to call somebody else gay? Captain Thunder is right there."

I still find it hard to believe that Geoff Johns created the Flashpoint Universe as a universe that spun off from ours at the point where we began trying to stop people from using "gay" as an insult.

"Stop enjoying that headlock so much, Superman, so I can shoot the bad guys!"

Instead of Jimmy saving Superman, Superman has to save Jimmy. Again! It's always "again" with that kid! Can't he just stay out of it and take pictures instead of trying to play superhero? Although he'd be my favorite character if he put on a mask and cape and fought crime as the Tomato Goblin.

After Superman saves Jim, he, once again, tells everybody that they should probably talk it out. He points out that it just might be possible to save both cities if they work together. But Abin Sur is all, "That's so gay."

Cyborg and Captain Thunder decide talking is stupid. It's always better to throw punches until you realize that isn't solving the problem. Talking is always a last resort. I'm glad I didn't learn about the world from comic books!

Clark hears Lois calling for help so he decides to cut the battle short and go rescue her. Otherwise he's going to have to fly super fast around Telos until he goes back in time so that he can save her before she's killed by Supertwerp.

The difference was that gay thing I pointed out earlier!

Supertwerp has taken Lois Lane to Flashpoint Batcave because Batman was a doctor before he became an obsessed madman. I don't know why Supertwerp thinks she needs a doctor now. Does he not know how pregnancy works? Hmm. Maybe I missed her going into labor last issue. Did water fall out of her vagina? That's usually a sign the baby is on its way. I almost said "coming" but that made the horrible side of me think disgusting thoughts.

Right! Friends! Everybody knows they were more than friends. This would be an appropriate time to use the word "gay," Flashpoint Batman.

Superman somehow doesn't hear that Lois was taken to the Flashpoint Batcave. He heads to Lois's apartment where he finds her webcam has recorded her kidnapping. The webcam is a pretty good director too! It centered the shot and everything. Abin Sur drops by to explain to Superman that he's ready to stop fighting. Superman is all, "I thought Jimmy Olsen was covering you with the space gun?" And Abin Sur is all, "I didn't say I stopped fighting thirty seconds ago! Your friend is dead." And Superman is all, "Enh. It was bound to happen." Then Superman says, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?!" And Abin Sur says, "Gay!" And Superman is all, "What? No! World's Finest Team-up!" And Abin Sur is all, "I know! I already quipped gay!"

Which DC Universe had the Superman with the tiny, deformed legs?

Superman flies off to the Batcave, knocks Flashpoint Superman out, stuffs him in an unmarked grave, and then returns to the cave where Flashpoint Batman is all, "We have to deliver the baby here! Get me the Bat-Speculum!"

Actually, Batman chickens out. He hasn't been a doctor since his son Bruce died. Now he's more into delivering people out of this world. So Superman decides he'll deliver the baby. I hope he doesn't accidentally smash its tender baby head! I would also hope that I won't have to endure a scene where a baby is delivered but I already see on the page opposite that hope is squashed dead (hopefully not like Superman and Lois's baby!).

The baby survives the delivery. It's a boy and, according to Lois, it's beautiful. I don't see it. But then I never see it. They're all just weak little bags of blood until they develop a personality. Not the personality that the mother and father see early on. I mean a personality that a stranger can see after spending just a few minutes with the kid. I don't have four months to learn to appreciate your mewling, disgusting infant! Get back to me when it can sit up on its own and you've taught it a trick or two. I don't remember exactly how old my nephew was before I began to fall in love with him but even before he could speak, he would fake sneeze just to get the attention from all the God Blessers in the room. Little needy bastard! But still petty fucking cute, I guess.

"Life is the most precious! Kill whomever you must to protect it!"

Then there's the last page.

Superman: "I love you, Lois."
Lois Lane: "Forever and always."
Batman: "Gay."

Convergence: Superman #2 Rating: What the fuck just happened here?! Are all of these Convergence stories going to go off the rails in the second issue?! The first issue forces two sides into battle! The second issue ignores the fight so characters can have a touching moment. Roy and Lian reunited. Clark and Lois have a baby. Renee and her father reconcile. And as for the battle? The Extremists and Titans will finish their fight in another comic book. The Two-Faces exchange some words and one bullet that kills nothing before the fight is called on account of it's interfering with the real story. Superman stops fighting to deliver a baby while Jimmy is probably murdered by Flashpoint Cyborg and Captain Marvel. It just reinforces the idea that Telos is going to be stopped in the Convergence weekly and all of these worlds are going to get to survive. Hell, nobody in the first three Issue Twos I've read have really felt threatened at all by their strange place in the universe and the sudden competition. I guess after spending a year under a dome without powers, anything else that winds up happening can hardly be a surprise.

Divergence: Doomed

In this exciting new title from Chris Claremont Clone, Scott Lobdell (and I mean that in the way that clones always wind up inheriting all of the bad traits of their original DNA and none of the good traits!), "a Metropolis U student gains the power to transform into the incredibly powerful Doomsday! How far can he go before he becomes a monster himself." After that bold description, I can't tell if I'm yawning or fake yawning.

The sneak peek begins with Lobdell's usual one page panel with lots of Narration Boxing. He continues the fine tradition of having the character say something in one Narration Box only to correct himself in the next Narration Box. Then he has the character Narration Box something "young" and "cool." And the whole thing is in a voice speaking directly to the reader. Some fans might like that style but the only reason Lobdell uses it is because he's lazy and unoriginal and spent too many years in the X-Men offices learning to be a lousy simulacrum of Claremont.

The second page's Narration Boxes make no sense coming after the first page's Narration Boxes. Lobdell has a habit of changing dialogue and narration without realizing that the changes have now made other parts of the original script nonsensical. It's also possible these pages are just excerpts from the new book and the pages where the Daily Planet globe fell on Doomedsday were left out. I was hoping these "sneak peeks" were tiny short stories to bridge the gap but I'm starting to believe they're just parts of the first issues. Hopefully I'm wrong about that since Red Hood Loves Arsenal read like a complete (yet horrible) little mini-story about Jay and Roy being super cool and awesome.

I should probably describe the comic book instead of Scott Lobdell's writing problems.

Lobdell loves Roman shit!

Doomed can't explain he's the good guy because he just grunts like a monster when in monster form. That's too bad because it means I'm going to have to suffer through scads and scads of his Narration Boxes that sound exactly like Roy Harper or Jason Todd's Narration Boxes.

It turns out he has a girlfriend named Jayne and a an Aunt Belle, so I guess this is Lobdell's version of Spiderman. I bet he turns Perry White into a raving lunatic desperate to see Doomed pay for his crimes! We already see that he's a superhero that people think is a villain. I bet he winds up being a photographer too!

Speaking of which, the kid begins the story thinking it's cool that he has an archenemy. But how can he have an archenemy if they're both the good guys? That's not an archenemy, asshole. That's a misunderstanding!

Doomedsday almost kills Alpha Centurion with his acid breath and then runs from the police as his Aunt Belle calls the cops maniacs for shooting at the monster melting the world with its breath. She's in love! Doomedsday crashes into a warehouse, transforms, finds some clothes (which I guess he's going to have to do a lot in this series), and heads back to the scene of the crime where he meets up with the psycho cops and his roommate.

Oh God. Roman? So the roommates are archenemies! I mean, they're in a misunderstanding!

Just in case you aren't a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader like me and the less-than-subtle naming of the characters Roman and Alpha Centurion didn't make you realize they were one and the same, the final page ends with Roman's shadow and Rieser's shadow looking like Alpha Centurion and Doomedsday.

One last note: Roman wears a scarf and says he's fabulous which is code for "Scott Lobdell wants you all to know he's writing a gay character."

I cannot wait for Doomed! This comic book is going to be awful!

Doomed #2

I realize Superman is currently part Doomsday, but can I still declare this as the worst drawing of Superman in the last 75 years?

Usually I joke about not remembering what's been happening in a comic book but I'm telling you up front that the next sentence is not a joke. I don't remember what's been happening in this comic book. Hmm, I don't think I needed the disclaimer about that previous sentence not being a joke since it didn't even come close to making me laugh. Anyway, the last Chapter of Doomed was that one where Supergirl was kissed against her will by that rapist asshole Michael in the wheelchair. What a fucking dick. I hate that guy. Also, that story didn't really have anything to do with Doomed. So rereading my commentary on it didn't help at all. I guess I'll just dive in. At least I'm excited about not seeing Scott Lobdell's name on the cover because fuck that guy!

If I discovered a genie that granted me three wishes, I would begin by wishing for more genies. Then I would wish for a ten inch pianist. Then I would wish that whoever was writing Lois Lane's articles for the Doomed story line would accidentally fall into a time machine set to the moment of his birth where that person would travel back in time and the time machine would land on the baby just as the doctor was bringing it into the world. No wait! I'd wish that I had a time machine so I could go back in time and fuck my great grandfather! I mean my great grandmother!

I'm not going to point out how Lois Lane doesn't know how to utilize commas because I don't know how to utilize commas and I might look like an idiot when everything I say winds up being incorrect. But I am going to point out how horrible this article is and could never have been written by the world's greatest journalist's wannabe girlfriend. At least Lois helped me remember where we left off with this story.

This issue is called "Evolutions" or, as Young Earthers would say, "Stupid Lies By Biased Dumb Dumb Heads That Nobody Should Listen To Or Else You Will Most Definitely Go To Hell."

The final hope of Earth are currently hiding away in the Fortress of Solitude watching as the citizens of Smallville all go into cardiac arrest. But I'm sure it will be a very slow kind of cardiac arrest. You know the kind? The kind your uncle always gets when he goes to those buffets and eats six steaks and then slumps in his chair pounding on his chest to try to stop the pain. That's the kind of heart attack that can go on for weeks before the victim finally seeks medical attention because he can't get a boner.

Lana Lang embarrasses Martian Manhunter by asking him where Superman is instead of saying, "Hey, Johnny boy. Can you, like, start saving everybody already? You're more powerful than Superman, right? Although we really could use Superman since he looks human so everybody looks to him as an icon of truth and justice and the American way whereas they just look at you and throw up in their mouths a little bit." Maybe it would be more embarrassing if she were to say those things, so it's probably better she just left it at asking J'onn to find Superman.

Look at that smirk on Batman's face! He's enjoying this! What a dick.

The plan now is for Superman, as Doomsday, to locate Brainiac within his ship and kill him. Because that worked out so well with Doomsday! What's the next big Superman story going to be called? Superdoomiac? Maybe Superman should stop killing things when he can't force them into the Phantom Zone.

You know what? Maybe Superman should also stop forcing aliens into the Phantom Zone! That may be representative of The American Way but it's certainly not Justice! It may or may not be Truth depending on how big of an asshole philosopher you are.

Speaking of asshole philosophers!

So according to Brainiac, all Superman has to do to defeat Brainiac is to stop observing him! Then he'll stop existing! Or does Brainiac exist through his own observations of himself? He observes, therefore he is?

Brainiac has come up with a philosophical thought so, as an asshole philosopher, he believes his thought must be true. So he's collecting lots and lots of sentient minds so that he can tell them they're seeing what Brainiac wants them to see and then that thing they think they're seeing will exist. He's so stupid he doesn't even understand his own philosophy! In the panel I scanned, he points out that phenomena only exists if it's observed. But that doesn't say that believing you're observing something causes it to come into existence! I think Brainiac might be that fucking asshole in my Freshman Philosophy of Science course that caused me to drop the class after the first day.

While Brainiac idea-masturbates all over the inside of Clark Kent's mind, Cyborg Superman attacks the Fortress of Solitude. Supergirl arrives to battle him because he's her problem. Still no sign of Wonder Woman straddling Warworld as she brings it out of the Phantom Zone to battle Brainiac's ship.

I don't know which of the dozen artists drawing this issue fucked up Supergirl's costume here but I'm glad they did! This is how it should actually look! These Kryptonian Biker Shorts are much cuter than that red diaper she normally wears.

Wonder Woman doesn't come riding out of the Phantom Zone like I wanted her to. Instead she just fires it from inside the Phantom Zone, through the portal, and at Brainiac's ship. Boring! Wonder Woman should force Mongul to sign over the pink slip to Warworld. She is the God of War now. I think it belongs to her. It would make a great base. Or she could just park it somewhere in London and turn it into an apartment building.

When is Superman going to defeat Brainiac with love? I hope he hugs and kisses him which will cause Brainiac to fall to his knees yelling, "NOOOO!" Because what Brainiac doesn't realize is he's battling Earthlings! Earthlings! No other creature in the universe is capable of such strength, resilience, and love! That's because we've all seen the power of love due to the movie The Yellow Submarine. And also maybe Back to the Future as well.

Superman finds out that Brainiac simply wants a universe where his wife and son are still alive. That's why he needs Earth minds! Because they understand how the only thing that really matters is the love of a good wife and son! Earthlings sure are dumb. But Brainiac keeps fighting even when Superman seems willing to help him create his wish. So Lois Lane gives Superman Brainiac's power to go along with his Doomsday power!

Superdoomiac! Just like I said! Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Superman uses his new Brainiac powers to toss Brainiac (and himself, apparently) into a Black Hole. Instead of being crushed to death, Superman uses some of Brainiac's Philosophy of Science Powers to believe that a Black Hole is a doorway into another world instead of just a gigantic gravitational death trap. Brainiac winds up listening to some computer speak about acquiring assets for its collection while seeing several different scenes of the Preboot Universe. So Flashpoint breaks down inside of a Black Hole? So that's what all the New 52 Haters should do! Throw themselves into a Black Hole! Why do I keep capitalizing Black Hole?!

Doomed #2 Rating: No change because it isn't in the rankings. What the fuck just happened?! Blue Beetle was in that black hole! Along with Dick Grayson's horrible Nightwing outfit! And Superman's outside underwear! And the original OMAC with his weird ass girlfriend in a box! And a straight Alan Scott! And Harley in her old outfit! And maybe a scene from Flashpoint itself with the Flashpoint Aquaman battling the Flashpoint Wonder Woman? I forget what they looked like but I think they were at war in Flashpoint, right? I'd probably remember better but Flashpoint changed things so that I don't remember Flashpoint very well. Is Superman going to be back in Preboot Continuity now?!

Supergirl #34

I hope this chapter isn't called Assimilation.

All of the Kryptonite has been removed from the atmosphere, so that green stuff must be Kara's super farts. That's why she's holding her stomach and her eyes are watering and her cape is flapping in the breeze.

I wonder when I last made a fart joke? Maybe I should have a counter on my home page that I'd have to reset now.

000 Days Since Last Fart Joke

Okay, enough about farts! This blog isn't being written by your best friend's father!

This issue doesn't begin with a crappy article by Lois Lane nor does it have a title page! I don't think it's actually a part of the Doomed story arc at all! Could it be DC is just using this opportunity to try to increase sales of Supergirl?! Shocking!

Is this kid shocked by her perfect ass or her thigh bones that are longer than her entire torso and head combined!

This kid's dog is named Scout. Recently, I saw some flyers for a lost dog up in my neighborhood for a dog named Scout. Either you named your dog poorly or your dog is still out on reconnaissance. Give him a chance!

Kara's new friend Michael recounts the plot of the previous Doomed books. He's not as clever as I am though! Although he's a lot more succinct. And he stays on point. And he actually says what happened instead of forgetting to mention all the other important bits so he can rage about some minor annoyance. He's so boring!

"Also, this fallout shelter cannot be opened for five years once the lock is thrown. So, um, how you doin'?"

How did Michael get Supergirl down into the basement? Do Kryptonians under a Yellow Sun weigh an incredible amount or are they light as a feather? Since bullets can't penetrate their skin, I'm going to jump to the conclusion that they're super dense! And if Superman walked around without using his flying to counteract his weight, he'd crash through the floor of any building he enters. Except for Lexcorp buildings because Lex plans for everything.

Michael continues to be really boring, blabbing on and on about why he's an atheist and how cute he thinks Supergirl is. What a loser! Don't let his trite charms fool you, Supergirl! He's not good enough for you! Nobody's good enough for you! I mean, one person is good enough for you!

Who do I talk to regarding getting myself made into a character in the New 52 Supergirl comic book so Supergirl can fall in love with me? I'm exactly who she needs! A mean-spirited blogger that tears down everything and creates nothing! Not that it's true that I create nothing but I thought I'd say that since I'm sure most of the assholes I do critique tell themselves that so they don't cry hysterically every time I point out how badly they don't deserve the paycheck DC is giving them.

Since Michael is such a boring piece of crap, he tries a new tactic to get Supergirl interested in him. He plays the pity card! Apparently his parents were in Metropolis when Lois Lane put everyone into comas and caused massive casualties which she'll probably never answer for. The perfect crime! She can even make money writing her own sensationalist headlines! "I WAS THE BRIDE OF A COSMIC COLLECTOR!" Anyway, Supergirl promises Michael that she will head to Metropolis and find his parents. And that he shouldn't worry because she doesn't plan to actually become part of the Doomed story arc at all even though the cover tells a different story. A big lying story!

By the way, Supergirl looks really cute this issue. Did you hear that, Supergirl?! You look super adorable! Dammit! Why did I say that? That sounded so cheesy!

Oh enough with Michael! Yippee! He lost the use of his legs and it didn't turn him into a whining, useless, depressed asshole! Big Kudos for Michael for getting on with life after he caused the wreck himself because he was texting and driving! Probably. I'm sure that's what happened because I hate fucking Michael! Get away from my Supergirl!

As Supergirl searches a tiny portion of the disaster area outside of the coma zone, she finds a black couple and assumes they're Michael's parents. I mean, they are. But what an assumption, right?! I mean, they did mention they had a son named Michael just as she found them. But still! Totally racist!

Oh, I can't say that about my darling Supergirl! I'm just clinging to any hope that she won't like Michael even if that hope means she hates Michael for horribly racist reasons! I'm such a dick! But my heart is breaking over here!

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Supergirl #34 Rating: -20 Ranking. Fuck DC! Fuck Tony Bedard! This was the worst fucking comic book I've ever fucking read in my life! I hate you all! Go to hell! Go to fucking hell!

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! Sh-sh-sh-she looked l-l-l-like a st-st-st-upid fucking fr-fr-fr-frog when she k-k-k-kissed Mike-hole anyway. Huh. Huh. Huh. OH GOD! Noooooooo! SUPERGIRL!