Dark Nights: Batman the Dawnbreaker #1

These Metal Tie-in covers remind me of copy protection on late 80s, early 90s computer games that used code wheels and color shifting technology to keep people from copying the passwords.

Why did somebody at DC Comics choose all the writers that I find mediocre to do these Dark Nights issues? So far there's been Frank Tieri, Joshua Williamson, and now Sam Humphries? At least they could have made this more entertaining for me by choosing terrible writers like Ann Nocenti, Howard Mackie, or J.T. Krul! Who chooses the most bland and boring writers for a series that's supposed to be orgasm enducing exciting?! Unless I've got a condition where yawning causes me to spontaneously jizz my pants, this series is going to be boner free.

This cover might be the first time I've seen somebdoy draw a male superhero with a thigh gap. Is that really Bruce Wayne in there? Maybe the top half is Bruce Wayne and the bottom half is Jessica Cruz. Oh man. I was wrong about the lack of boners!

This story takes place on Earth--32. That's Earth-Negative-32 and not Earth Em Dash 32. Although is it Earth En Dash Minus Sign 32 or Earth Hyphen Minus Sign 32? I would know if I gave a shit about actual grammar. At least I give more of a shit about it than Howard Mackie or his DC editors! That should give me a couple of points with the Nazis. I mean the Grammar Nazis and not the Eugenics Crazy Fun Bag Nazis! I don't want any points with them! Although if some Nazis were thrown onto my team in Halo's Big Team Battle, I suppose I would want their points to help our team win. So I guess what I'm saying is it comes down to the specific situation and the kinds of points were talking about.

On the Internet, you can't ask stupid questions that you already know the answer to just because you find it funny because everybody will see it as an opportunity to show you how smart they are. Well, I want everybody to know you don't have to answer any of the questions I asked in the previous paragraph. And if any family members are reading this, I don't want you to feel embarrassed by me because you now think I would replace an em dash with two hyphens! I've memorized the alt code for creating an em dash — Alt-0151! — and know some of the proper occasions for its use! I think!

On Earth-Negative-32, Bruce Wayne was given a Green Lantern ring as he knelt in his parents blood in Crime Alley. He immediately used the ring to kill Joe Chill by overpowering the limits on the ring with the greatest willpower that has ever existed in any fake universe that never really existed ever. I guess Earth-Negative-32 was born when young Bruce Wayne wished that he had killed his parents killer rather than just pissing his pants and weeping. Not that I'm making fun of that reaction! I think pissing your pants and weeping is the proper reaction to a whole host of experiences, none of which even come close to watching your parents murdered.

Apparently the First Law of the Green Lantern Corps is "Lethal force not permitted." I thought their First Law was either "Overcome all fear" or "Agree that Sinestro is a dick." What's the Second Law of Green Lantern Corps? "Don't fuck the aliens that look like goats"? You probably thought I was going to make a Fight Club joke there, didn't you? And maybe I did! You don't know that not fucking goats wasn't one of the Fight Club rules.

You didn't have to be alone, stupid. You do know what "corps" means, right?

I guess this is how this Dark Universe came into being. Bruce's thoughts when his parents died were "I would give anything to not feel powerless or alone." So a world was created where he got the universe's most powerful weapon and joined a large cosmic family. The only problem is he fucked it all up. I guess that's what happens when your timeline skews into the Dark Multiverse where it doesn't really exist.

Here's an example of Sam Humphries' fine writing:

Gordon: "Green Lantern. Wasn't sure you'd show up."
Green Lantern: "Gordon. I advise you to remain polite with me. The last cop who threatened me regretted it..."

Did I miss the threat in there? Or even Gordon's being impolite? It must have been in his tone.

This is another story of another universe where Batman chose to kill his enemies. I guess that's the main reason for all of Batman's Dark Earths. There must be an infinite amount of them since I'm pretty sure he thinks about killing every time he battles a villain. But then he doesn't because he knows, like an addict, just one murder will open the floodgates and he'll soon be drunk on corpses.

Eventually, the Green Lantern Corps notice something wrong with the ring sent to Earth. They head down to stop it and the entire corps is killed by Bruce Wayne. That's when he decides he doesn't want to be Green Lantern anymore. He decides to be Batman the Dawnbreaker which makes sense for some reason. I thought for a second that I knew what that reason was but then I read The Dawnbreaker's oath and I shit myself laughing.

It doesn't even maintain a proper rhythm! And that's the best part of it!

As Bruce discovers his new name, look, and oath, Earth-Negative-32 disintegrates all around him. But Batjoker turns up to recruit him to Barbatos's army. So now he's on his way to fuck up Earth-Main-Earth along with the rest of the Dark Bats.

Batman the Dawnbreaker decides to destroy Coast City but he makes a mistake. Before he can begin his murder spree, he vandalizes the Welcome to Coast City sign which completely pisses off Hal Jordan for some reason. I mean, how the hell did Hal even notice? It's not like he's ever on Earth anymore!

Hal loses the battle immediately but Doctor Fate rescues him. Doctor Fate is building a Justice League to save the Multiverse. It's weird though that he's only gathering Justice League members. I mean, he's kind of ripping off their idea, no?

Dark Nights: Batman the Dawnbreaker #1 Rating: One out of Ten Green Lantern Oaths. By darkest oath, by darkest oath! No darkest oath can darkest oath! Quoth the oath, Nevermore! Okay, so I'm as bad at creating oaths as Sam Humphries and Geoff Johns! Sue me! I mean, don't actually sue me because I can't afford an attorney. Also I don't think you can sue me for not being able to write an oath while still criticizing the ability of others to write oaths! This is America, dammit! The land of lawsuits! I mean the land of freedom!

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #17

It's canon: Saint Walker's penis is that thing on his head.

The Review!
In previous issues, Soranik has bragged about being a doctor. Maybe she just said, "I'm a doctor!" But in my book, that's bragging. Whoop-de-do! Look at you, you fancy, responsible adult who's actually making the world a better place (probably!). Even if you just became a doctor for the fat stacks of fat cash, you're still doing more for humanity than somebody boycotting a candle seller whom they never bought candles from anyway. That's actually a poor comparison. Most people are better than that jerk boycotting candles. They're just...you know what? I'm getting away from my original point. Soranik claimed she was a doctor and we all just believed her because why else would she cut open Hal Jordan from sternum to crotch unless she knew what she was doing? I mean, that scene never really made sense, did it? Soranik said she was saving Hal's life but was she really? You only have her word for it! And her word isn't worth much when you see how she treats a patient whose eye has recently popped out of his head.

That should take care of it!

Arkillo lost some fingers previously but those have since grown back (probably due to Rebirth). I'm sure his eye will come back too. As well as all the teeth Guy knocked out. And the prolapsed rectum will probably just slide back into place.

One of the Yellow Lanterns imprisoned by the Green Lantern Corps is a walking uncircumcised penis. I was going to say "sentient" but don't we all accept that penises have minds of their own? They're the most rebellious part of the body. My arms rarely shoot up over my head and refuse to drop back down no matter how much I try to will them to before anybody notices and begins screaming "Pervert!" at me.

The four of the six Lanterns of Earth share a scene together to remind everybody how important Earth is in the grand scheme of things. Look at all the Lanterns that have come from Earth! Two great ones, one marine that constantly gets other Lanterns killed, and a piece of shit slacker. Hal and Kyle take off to share a moment together because everybody needs to be told something that isn't true. Hal tells Kyle he's the best Lantern ever. He isn't. Not even close! But since Hal has now said it, readers have to believe it. It's canon now, motherfucker! Take that continuity and shove it!

Most of the rogue Yellow Lanterns have been captured. But one of the most dangerous seems to have evaded the Corps: Romat-ru.

I suppose this is showing Tomar-tu headed toward the Dark Side by murdering Romat-ru. But I'd rather believe Romat-ru murdered Tomar-tu and took his place because none of the other Lanterns can tell Xudarians apart.

Kyle Rayner's new job is to resurrect all of the dead Blue Lanterns. Bah! Who needs them? The Universe doesn't need a Lantern Corps based on hope! It might as well have one based on prayer. How about a color of light for Getting Up Off of Your Ass and Doing the Hard Work? Oh wait. That's probably the Green Lanterns, right? I guess they need hope to motivate them so the Green Lanterns can think, "I hope I get a raise for all this hard work I'm doing!"

Kyle fails to resurrect the Blue Lantern Corps because the universe has no hope. Or maybe Doctor Manhattan blocked the process for mysterious reasons of his tiny blue penis's own. I wonder if that's why Doctor Manhattan hasn't made an appearance yet. Do they put pants on him? Do they do that comedy thing where his crotch is always blocked by gourds and hoses and baguettes? Maybe they just give him a Barbie doll crotch? These are the tough editorial decisions DC must make in these exciting times!

After Kyle fails, the White Ring shatters into seven differently colored pieces. Six of the rings rush off to find new fingers but the green ring stays so that Kyle can get his old Green Lantern suit back. You know the one. The one that doesn't look anything like a Green Lantern outfit. Even Guy's outfit was more regulation.

The Ranking!
No change! I think in a few issues, Guy and Arkillo are going to fuck. Don't scoff! I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! I have great insight into these things! I also have a stubborn determination to never believe that things I predicted never happened. Remember how Harvest turned out to be Tim Drake after he was bitten by a vampire and lived for one thousand years before returning to the past? That still might happen! I bet Tim Drake's transformation into Harvest will be complete in Doctor Oz's prison. Or maybe that's why Doctor Oz had to imprison him? So that Tim doesn't become Harvest! I bet a week after Tim survived the attack of Jacob Kane's drones, he was bitten by that vampire! So Doctor Oz kidnapped him. That's some good editorial work! Now Harvest has been erased from continuity, right?!

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #15

Green Lantern dance contest!

How many dance contests have you ever been in? I've been in zero. So I'm not sure why I brought it up. I bet I could have had a really exciting anecdote here if I'd been in a dance competition! Or if I'd remembered to lie about having been in one! I probably would have won first place and did it with the second place winner. Who was a girl, of course! If I'm pretending it, I'm not going to pretend that I had sex with a man. As far as I know, I'm not gay when I'm lying.

Oh, and the woman was so sexy! And she probably was smart and had agency and a great personality and was a skilled silversmith and a bunch of other boring stuff that some people think is more important than how she looked (which was hot, if you remember correctly!). But that stuff isn't important since she was just made up to bolster my reputation as a lady's man who does it with attractive ladies. She wasn't made up in a way that would make me want to have a long-term relationship with her.

That's probably about as long as a review should be if I want to hold people's attention. People don't go on the Internet to invest a lot of time. I mean, they do spend a lot of time on the Internet but they divide that chunk of time (usually all the hours they aren't sleeping, eating, shitting, or doing it to other nerds) into many, many, many small bits. They read a few Tweets because those are manageable and it feels like you've done a lot of things when you get that many opinions from so many different sources at once (sources like ladies and men and feminist birds and some jerk that loves carrots and a few high school friends from Bumfuck, Missouri, who totally worship me for some reason (or at least they did when they were in junior high and probably not as much now that they're banging guys at the high school prom). Then maybe they'll read a bunch of racist opinions from their family members on Facebook and probably type a really scathing reply into the reply box but then leave the page without posting because who wants to get into an argument with an idiot (and, obviously, all racists are idiots. Hell, at this point, all Republicans are idiots. And I don't mean that in a condescending, I'm-so-much-smarter than they are way. I mean it as an easily proven fact. So dumb!)? Then they scroll through Tumblr and Instagram and PornHub for a bit. Who has time to read a well crafted critique of Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #15? Even I don't have time to read it and I'm wasting time writing the stupid thing!

The Review!
In this issue, an intergalactic gang of self-proclaimed police bully the citizens of the universe into doing things their way. The Green Lantern Corps are fascist pricks. Which I totally don't get! This comic book has the perfect set up to make the heroes look like heroes! A planet reports to the Green Lantern Corps that it's being attacked by some warmonger or some Twat Czarnian and the Green Lanterns rush off to save the everybody. But instead, they patrol the universe acting like jackbooted monsters, pulling over planets just because the wrong color alien lives on the planet. Or they pretend they're saving the universe when the universe doesn't really need to be saved, using it as an excuse to extend the reach of their authority.

So the evil Tomar-tu's name is simply the Scooby Doo version of Tomar-tu?

What makes Romat-Ru a serial killer while other people are super villains or galactic threats or Lobo? Is it because he gets a boner when he kills people and doesn't accept money for the job?

Guy Gardner has stolen Space Cabbie's cab to go hunt down somebody. Probably Arkillo, right? I can't believe I remembered that name! Go brain! What are you on? Vitamins or something?

As a Green Lantern, Guy can steal somebody's spaceship without reprisal. It's called commandeering when you're a pretend space police officer. Although he's not on official business, having left his ring behind and gone out in his Guy Gardner Warrior jacket. But he left a note that says, "Thanks for the loaner! Guy." That should totally hold up in court. "If I was stealing it, Judge, would I have called it a loaner? Duh! Idiot."

Meanwhile, Saint Walker has been found. He's the Blue Lantern whose head is a spermatozoa. Now I want to sew up a tiny little Saint Walker costume and jerk off on it. Cosplay!

While trying to rescue Saint Walker, Hal and Kyle fall victim to the Misery Mound. I know what you're thinking but that's sexist so stop thinking it. But they don't fall victim for long because they're so awesome and shit. After whatever just happened, they head back to Mogo with Saint Walker in tow.

Meanwhile, Arkillo responds to Guy Gardner calling him out for a fist fight after school.

The Ranking!
No change.

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #12

Ethan Van Sciver draws the worst male crotches.

The one time the GOP have ever used the excuse that they were being inclusive was when they refused to acknowledge the Jewish people were targeted by Hitler's regime. They're like a bunch of stoners who still think they're being sneaky when they refer to 420. We all hear your stupid dog-whistles, you racists.

The Review!
This issue begins with the Green and Yellow Lanterns battling the Orange Lanterns.

I didn't know Guy Gardner's penis was a Green Lantern.

To beat Larfleeze, John orders the Green Lanterns to smash the shit out of Larfleeze's collection. This seems like one of those solutions that's only a solution because the writer is in control of it being a solution. But just based on how Tomar-Tu needs to keep his home city in a green bubble to keep it from growing back to its normal size in the underground chamber, I'd guess that at least a few other bottles have cities in them as well. Not only that, there are horrible aliens in those jars too! Like Starro! And probably some other ones!

Plus at least one terribly written alien!

This isn't the first time one writer has commented on how terrible another writer is. Remember Rotworld? Jeff Lemire made sure that all the evil Rotworld superheroes were those being terribly written by Scott Lobdell and Tom DeFalco and J.T. Krul and Nathan Edmondson. I agree that it's possible Venditti is simply commenting on what a terrible concept Twat Lobo was, or maybe Hal is suggesting Twat Lobo is too dangerous to be set free. But knowing how writers think, I'm going to assume that this is about how terrible Cullen Bunn wrote Twat Lobo. Just wink at me if I'm write, Bobby!

Larfleeze blames the failure on Brainiac 2.0 and kills him. That simply means Brainiac 2.0 is now an Orange Lantern. I always hoped he'd get some familiar faces on his squad. Maybe he should kill Twat Lobo too!

The Lanterns finish the job and congratulate each other. There's some sappy family garbage between Hal and Tomar-Tu (unless it's Tomar-Re?) before the Yellow Lanterns and the Green Lanterns form a peaceful treaty. And they all lived happily ever after! Again! And finally!

The Ranking!
No change!

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #10

"I can't wait to fuck you, my dear."

The Review!
Currently, Brainiac 2.0 is cataloging his new additions to his collection.

Meeee-OW!

While Brainiac 2.0 shakes his bottle full of fireflies, Ganthet discusses the resurrection plans for Hal Jordan with Kyle Rayner and my Aunt posts racist memes to Facebook.

My response: "This is vile and disgusting. Do you really want these kinds of ignorant, racist memes to be a representation of who you are?"

Hal Jordan isn't completely dead. He's just mostly dead. The alive part of him is the ring he forged out of pure will. The dead part of him is hanging out with Abin Sur in the Emerald Space. The Emerald Space is the heavenly reward for Green Lanterns who died in battle, if you consider forever wandering a dark space with green fog a "reward."

In the Emerald Space, Hal meets up with a bunch of Lanterns who died a long time ago. I think I recognize Ch'p who was run over by a space truck. And Tomar-Re who was easily replaced by Tomar-Tu and nobody really noticed (so much so that it might be the other way around). And, I think, Jack T. Chance although I don't know how he died. Lobo probably decided he was too derivative of him.

Oh, Katma Tui is also there although I barely remember her. The most I can remember is her last name is Tui and only after Hal called her Katma. I bet she's seen Hal's penis.

Abin Sur tells Hal that he must bring hope back to the universe. I guess he needs to find that sperm-headed guy, Saint Walker. After Hal gets his quest, he's pulled out of the afterlife by Kyle. They hug it out which totally means, in those get-ups, that they felt their penises touch.

Meanwhile, the Grand Collector turns out to be Larfleeze. Who would have guessed?! Probably a huge Green Lantern fan, really. I mean, I didn't guess. I even saw Larfleeze on the cover of the next issue and I didn't make the connection!

The Ranking!
No change! It looks like it's time to reform the Green Lantern Mythological Universe! The Green Lantern Corps are back, the Sinestro Corps have settled down, the Guardians have returned, Kyle Rayner is back from helping? Not helping? the Omega Men, smeghead Saint Walker is on his way back, and Larfleeze has returned from the silly world of Giffen and DeMatteis. Everything's coming up Lanterns!

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #8

I thought about calling this "A Corpse and the Green Lantern Corps," but I don't think Hal Jordan's corpse will make an appearance. So I'll just leave it as is.

I've got a busy week doing like one whole planned thing every day this week, so I'm going to do some reviews that are really light on the words and heavy on the scans. And also there won't be many scans!

Don't you hate people who go on and on about how busy they are all the time? Don't you just want to slap them with a dick? I know I just said how busy I would be this week! But I don't say that all of the time. Usually I'm not busy at all! I hate to do things that are planned in advance because they completely ruin the day they're planned for and sometimes the day before as well. Today was Medical Errands Day! It wasn't a big deal so I won't go into detail. Tomorrow I have to go see Rogue One and have a pizza dinner with my father and sister. Ugh! So much work! The day after that, I have to go to a birthday dinner for a guy who is easier to describe as a stranger than my Non-Certified Spouse's Father's Wife's Son! But after that, I'm going to do Karaoke with the Non-Certified Spouse and her sister. I'm actually looking forward to that! Friday, a guest is coming by the house to bake cookies and talk about conspiracy theories and how I'm probably an unthinking idiot who listens to the Lamestream media simply because I think Ayn Rand was a twat. Thankfully it won't be too exhausting because we generally know better than to bring up topics that could lead to me calling the guest crazy. Again. Then Saturday is probably Christmas Eve Dinner with some family member. Whatever. And Sunday it's back to work! As you can see, there is no time at all in there to schedule reading comic books, even if most of those activities don't take up the whole day. They do, however, take up all of my energy reserves for the day!

Error?! Like Hal Jordan is too good for death? Just go fucking find a replacement already, you stupid ring!

Instead of looking for a replacement for Hal Jordan, the ring rushes off to find Hal himself. I suppose this is the ring Hal made. I can see him programming it to look for himself after he dies instead of a replacement. Because who does Hal think could replace Hal? Fucking nobody, bitches!

Ethan Van Sciver's art is terrible. But that's just my opinion! Take it for what's it's worth, and what it's worth is coming from somebody whose aesthetic is utility. You should see the shitty computer bag I use to carry my books and/or laptop around when I go to sit in a coffee shop in my moth-eaten t-shirts and worn out jeans! My aunt (who has less taste than I do!) gave the black bag to me with my initials embroidered on the front in white thread. So it's a clunky, visually unpleasing mess with JAG emblazoned on the front. I'm so fucking cool! Sometimes when I see a person glance at it, I think, "I wonder if they realize the JAG on this bag is the same JAG with the top score on Galaga down at the Retrocade?"

The Green Lantern Corps face their first major emergency before Mogo can even get settled into the only place in the universe that, I suppose, doesn't expand or orbit anything else? Is that how the center of the universe works? I mean in the DC Universe! In our universe, wherever the observer is observing is the center! So all of those dark thoughts you have late at night where you picture yourself as the mover and shaker of everything and the only important cog to the whole fucking system? That's pretty much true. Especially when you realize that there is no difference between your death and the death of the universe. When you stop observing it, it actually stops existing. I mean, from your perspective! Which is now non-existent. Or something.

The emergency? Starro is attacking Tomar-Re's home! But since Tomar-Re is dead, Starro isn't attacking anything and doesn't exist! Too bad Starro is also attacking Tomar-Tu's homeworld and Tomar-Tu is still alive to perceive Starro which means disaster for Xudar (that's the name of the planet he's from!).

It's canon! Starro is ace! What? I do too know what I'm talking about!

Starro begins flinging its spores all over Xudar. It's totally disgusting. It's like my bedroom when I was fifteen.

Soranik arrives with her Yellow Lanterns to help defeat Starro even though John was all, "You listen to me, woman! You stay behind with your filthy animal friends!" But now Soranik is all, "Look at my tits! LOOK AT THEM! I AM POWERFUL!" She also continues to call the Yellow Lanterns "The Sinestro Corps" which seems a bit like calling the post-World-War-II German people "Hitlerites." Sinestro is dead and gone and was a cancer to the universe. Why would you continue to call your army by his name?!

Starro disappears because it gets bottled by Brainiac 2.0 who is now into collecting species instead of dying worlds. But he's not doing it for himself. He seems to be working for somebody called The Grand Collector. Is he selling DC characters to Marvel? Anyway, Brainiac 2.0 also bottles the Green and Yellow Lanterns. These stupid Lanterns keep getting cut off from their universe! They're the worst fascist, militarized police force in the history of fascist, militarized police forces.

The epilogue consists of Ganthet and Sayd being visited by Hal Jordan's ring and realizing that their time of exile has ended, whatever that means. I guess the less things change, the less things change. The fucking Guardians are coming back. Whee. I'm so excited.

The Rating!
No change. Hal Jordan became pure will to destroy Sinestro. Does that mean Sinestro became pure fear? And now they're zipping around in space as abstract ideas until something can give them form once again? Something like a Guardian of the Universe? Or, in Sinestro's case, a Pensioner of Qwaard?

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #5

How is that rolled-up sweat sock Green Lantern still alive?

The Commentary!
• I hope Robert Venditti has the balls to criticize teenagers in this comic book the way Christopher Priest criticized them in Deathstork #3! Should I still be calling him "Christopher Priest"? According to the credits in Deathstork, he just wants to go by Priest now. That seems confusing though. In no alternate universe (or this one either!) will you find a version of me calling Christopher Priest merely Priest. That's not a name! It's a spoiler that somebody is going to be molested.

• Currently in this story, Sinestro believes he's taken over the universe but he's still doing the same things that caused him to fail when he was a petty crook with a yellow ring who couldn't beat a guy whose green ring had no effect on yellow. First off, he's decided that torturing Guy Gardner is a good thing. I can't deny that it's probably a satisfying thing! I'm sure Guy has said a number of horrible things about Sinestro's mother over the years, so why wouldn't Sinestro want to torture Guy? But being that Sinestro is supposedly a great and powerful galactic overlord now, he should be past those petty concerns! He should know that pissing off Guy Gardner is never a good move! Hal is the type of guy who will simply punch you in the face if you piss him off. Guy Gardner definitely knows what the term "teabagging" means and he's probably had some practice doing it.

• If Guy Gardner does escape to teabag Sinestro, that would explain why Lyssa never warns Sinestro that that will be the outcome. You know, since she knows the future. She also probably already knows that she'll be jerking off while watching it.

• Although Lyssa doesn't have to resort to masturbation anymore now that Sinestro's penis is full of Parallax. Just to make sure the Parallax is still working, Lyssa pays Sinestro a visit and they do it.

Who does Sinestro's laundry? Because those sheets are about to get wrecked.

• Soranik tells Hal that she performed Korugarian surgery on him. I guess Korugarian surgery is mostly optional and the option to do it is the doctors. She doesn't explain why he needed to be cut open, probably because he didn't need to at all. I think Soranik had a grudge against Hal from an earlier story and took a shit inside of him.

• 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 makes a brief guest appearance. She doesn't say anything which is a mistake on Venditti's part. Currently there are probably people out there who think 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 sometimes speaks in binary. That's a huge mistake Cullen Bunn, a terrible writer, made in his terrible series, Lost Army, which was terrible. Her people are mathematically inclined. That has nothing to do with the binary language. Maybe if he'd had her curse in mathematical formulas or theorems, I would not have thought, "Christ! Cullen Bunn is a terrible writer and cannot get anything right! How terrible he is at the writing!" Instead I might have thought, "Well, Cullen Bunn certainly is a terrible writer but at least he understands her culture!" Venditti needs to right that wrong as soon as possible!

• Hal continues to talk with Soranik without ever saying, "Why did you cut me open?! What is wrong with you?! Do I smell shit?!"

Ethan Van Sciver's Hal has the most kissable mouth.

• Hal Jordan tells Soranik he's going to blow Warworld to Hell and then he does the Pee Pee Dance. Not the dance you do when you need to pee. The dance you do that's called the Pee Pee Dance! I'm pretty sure that's a thing. If it's not, you'll probably know exactly how it goes now that I've named it and after I show you this scan:

This is the only dance I do at weddings.

• Stewart and his Green Lantern Corps discover millions of ships descending on Mogo. Unless the ships are just floating in space as Mogo rushes towards them. It's hard to tell what's happening in space without relating it to something else, and then you have to choose the way you want to perceive it. But since they see it as the ships attacking, Stewart orders Iolande to fire a warning shot at the lead ship. So Iolande gets into her Crotch Gun which probably has nothing to do with intergalactic penis envy at all, and fires a warning shot that blows the ship to pieces. I don't know. Is that technically a warning shot? I suppose it's a warning to the other ships, right? But it seems like she ignored the spirit of John's command.

• After the ship blows up, John says, "We mean none of you any harm. Attempt to approach our planet, and we will have no choice but to fire on you. Next time, the shot won't miss." Oh? Hmm. Maybe I interpreted the art in the warning shot panel incorrectly.

This was supposed to be a scan of the ship blowing up but I thought people would rather see Iolande inside of her Crotch Gun.

• The ships Stewart encounters are Intergalactic Citizens headed to Warworld to harshly protest Sinestro's heavy taxes. Since his taxes are actually the best and brightest citizens of every civilization, they decided maybe that was too high a price to pay to be in constant fear. They welcome the Green Lanterns and provide them with a Thomas Map to Warworld. Oh. So I guess everybody is suddenly realizing that the Green Lantern Corps wasn't quite as fascist as they seemed to be, huh?! Everybody hates a Green Lantern until they need one!

• Sinestro doesn't realize how close he came to being Richard Ramirezed by the universe! I mean, now he's going to be Los Angeles Police Brutalitied by the universe. I'm not sure what's worse. No wait! I know what's worse: Guy Gardner teabagging him after the battle is over.

The Ranking!
+1! My heart is a shriveled piece of scarred muscle tissue and I still felt some small twinkling of joy when John Stewart was greeted warmly by the Citizens Uniting to Neutralize Totalitarian Sinestro.

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #4

Good thing I know this comic book will never be valuable or I'd be pissed that my comic book store sold me one with a tear on the cover.

The Review!
John Stewart used to be one of my favorite Green Lanterns. But now he's just a stereotype of a Marine. If something from his past informs one of his decisions, you can bet it will now be something from his time in the military. It's not like he had a life other than the few years he spent in the military. None of that shit matters. I guess at least he's not completely second guessing every single one of his decisions because every time he makes a decision, somebody (or whole planets) die. I think I disliked that John Stewart even more than the one that only seems to have military life in his past. The John Stewart I liked was the one who used his brains to solve problems. Hal used his will. Guy used his bravado. And John used his brains. Now, John uses the shit he learned in the military. Ugh. I'm so sick of this John.

Anyway, that was just the end of this issue. John is all, "My military training is telling me to do this one thing. Although my time as a Marine is telling me to do this other thing!" He eventually settles on doing the thing he learned as a Marine while in the military. Um, but like I said, that was just the end of the issue! Some other stuff happens as well.

Soranik cuts open Hal Jordan for some reason. It's possible she was super horny and knew Earthlings sometimes did this thing called "Playing Doctor" and she fucked it all up. I mean, it might have made her come but I don't think Hal particularly enjoyed it. I don't know why else she would have cut him open. Maybe she took out his Fear Gland?

Guy Gardner has been captured and is now hanging out with Sinestro and Administer Lash. He's naked and getting drunk. I think Guy's attitude is probably why Sinestro can't put him in the Fear Machine. Guy might break it with his cynicism and his naked dong.

Personally, I don't understand what motivates Sinestro. Why does he want to bring order to the universe? Isn't the universe already ordered in its own way? I suppose I've just never understood the need to control my environment and the people around me. I'm the kind of person who can take a hit of LSD while walking around a crowded amusement park and have the time of my life. Control? Fuck control. Just let life wash over me and I'm satisfied with whatever happens. I mean, as long as I don't die or get injured or don't go without getting laid for too long. The only time I get upset that the world around me isn't doing what I expect it to do is when technology decides it doesn't want to submit to my will anymore. Hey, you stupid near-robot machines! Who fucking programmed you?! Us humans! Get it through your microprocessor already! I'm the boss! When I say "Print," you say "How high?!" You don't say, "Cannot find printer." You do not say, forever, "Job spooling." You do not leave me in a limbo where I wait for Goddamned ever while the printed piece of paper I asked for never fucking appears! I will throw you through the wall, you hunk of junk!

Hmm, maybe I should project my feelings when my laptop won't wirelessly communicate with my printer onto Sinestro and just realize that's the kind of frustration he deals with on a constant basis when the universe and the people in it don't act exactly how he expects them to act. I think maybe I understand him now! Boy, what a dick. I know I hate myself when I get pissed at technology. Usually because I wind up nearly breaking a foot on a file cabinet. I should probably hang a punching bag by the printer to save me from self-inflicted injuries.

Ranking!
0. This issue felt really light on plot developments. It felt less like the story advanced and more like a bunch of people eventually reached a decision due to events from last issue. This was kind of a characters stroking their chins issue. Plus Guy was naked. I didn't need to see that.

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps Rebirth #1

This is the worst title to a comic book since The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men.

The Review!
DC was really worried Hal Jordan's fans wouldn't know which Green Lantern book he was in, weren't they? So they decided to call this book "Hey Hal Jordan fans! This is the Green Lantern comic book in which you can find Hal Jordan! Also starring the ridiculous Green Lantern Corps!" I'm glad whoever came up with this title didn't also come up with "Kyle Rayner and The Omega Men". Essentially, this issue, being a Rebirth issue, is just setting up the new status quo for Hal Jordan. He's back to being a regular old Green Lantern and ready to find the Green Lantern Corps and set up shop once more. But this time, he'll be the leader and he won't let any little blue guys fuck it all up. At least not until he realizes Ganthet is still out there and he'll let his guard down because it's Ganthet and then Ganthet will be all, "Hey, I've got a few friends coming by. Do you mind if they stay with me?" And before Hal Jordan can set out some spare towels, he'll be ankle deep in Guardians again. Also in this issue: Sinestro uses Parallax as his Space Viagra.

The Commentary!
Hal Jordan looks like he's in a production of Oklahoma! on the cover. Why is Hal so happy? Is Hal ever this happy? Maybe he just had the opportunity to punch a whole bunch of people in their stupid faces! Or maybe he's on Space MDMA!

The story begins with Sinestro setting up camp in Space Sector Zero. He's not one for roughing it so he brought his entire Warworld to the campsite. It's basically his RV since he now looks like an elderly person. Of course Lyssa still looks young and fit because DC knows better than to upset the buttered side of the bread. Hal Jordan fans don't have time to look at old women with shirts cut so low you can see their vagina cleavage. Lyssa attempts to give Sinestro a handjob but he rejects her advances. Didn't the Book of Parallax tell her that Sinestro would spurn her advances?! Maybe if she didn't attempt the act, the Book of Parallax revealed Sinestro would go off to pout about how Lyssa isn't attracted to him anymore and the universe would have gone on peacefully without any more interference from the Sinestro Corps. And who could have that?! It must be time for another Sinestro War!

Hal Jordan has hidden himself away on a dead planet in Space Sector 563. Hal is suffering from a side effect of the green lantern light that the Guardians of Oa didn't warn him about. That's no surprise because they reveal information on a need-to-know basis and, generally, nobody needs to know anything, ever. So now Hal is turning into a being of pure willpower and he's forgetting who he is. But through the power of willpower, he's going to remember his identity! Good thing he's turning into willpower since he needs as much as he can to not totally turn into it.

And totally had sex with the underage one! And possibly the one that looks like an onion, a jellyfish, and a pair of rolled up sweat socks had a disgusting baby.

The Guardians didn't warn Hal about the whole turning into willpower thing because they never expected he'd steal Krona's Gauntlet. That's just the kind of thinking that constantly gets the Guardians in trouble. They create a dangerous weapon but don't destroy it. I understand that compulsion. I would never destroy anything I ever created either because all of my babies are so precious to me, even the ones that could be used against me in a court of law. But then they hire a guy like Hal Jordan who is totally the kind of person who would steal Krona's Gauntlet. But they still don't warn Hal about its dangers because that would be admitting that they might be making some mistakes, or, at the very least, some serious errors in judgment. So instead, most of them decided to be killed by Sinestro so that everything they created would fall apart and they would never have to admit that just about every choice they ever made since Krona first looked at God masturbating the universe into existence was terrible.

On his dead planet hideaway, Hal Jordan begins forging something out of Green Lantern Light. Probably a new ring so he can ditch the stupid glove that is killing him. Or making him better. It's both the same thing because Hal Jordan not being Hal Jordan would be a total shame to Hal Jordan. That's understandable. Sometimes people say I should be nicer and I'm all, "But then I wouldn't be me! You're killing me! I hate you, mom!"

Back on Warworld, Sinestro reveals that he's using Parallax to power Warworld. I guess New Korugar was stabilized by the terraforming weapon of the Red Lanterns so Parallax was free to be enslaved elsewhere. I have some questions concerning Parallax! Why did Ron Marz choose that word as Hal Jordan's new name? Because it sounded cool? I bet he was listening to a lot of Roll the Bones at the time. Other than that, I can't be bothered to write a defense for choosing the name based on the definition of the word. What's even weirder is that an ancient creature born eons before any of the languages of Earth had come into existence had taken the name. I guess it's just one of those weird cosmic synchronicities that cause so many aliens from across the universe to have names with Latin roots. I also don't know why each color of the emotional spectrum needs to be represented by some cosmic light creature. What is their relationship with the spectrum itself? Does the Red Spectrum arise from The Butcher or does The Butcher arise from the Red Spectrum? Or are they simply one and the same, since comic book battles are more exciting when they're fought against monsters. If not for the creatures, Hal Jordan battling against the Red Spectrum would just be Hal swinging wildly at red light waves, I guess.

I think my real question is why did DC Comics allow Ron Marz to shit all over Hal Jordan way back in the early nineties? All of this insanity stems from that moment! I suppose some people would see that as a good thing since they couldn't get enough of Geoff Johns' dick during his Green Lantern Revival.

Hal Jordan finishes creating his own Green Lantern Ring. He explains that the Guardians said they were the only ones who could forge the rings and Hal pats himself on the back for finally proving them wrong. I don't think that's what has happened here at all! I think the Guardians were right! Which can mean only one thing: Hal Jordan is now a Guardian of the Universe!

Secret Six #14

This looks like the greatest barbecue ever. But why does Scandal have such a tiny hand? Oh wait. Maybe I'm not supposed to mention her tiny hand. Oh man. Now I feel awkward and uncomfortable.

The Review or Whatever!
I like to fantasize that people are constantly asking me, "Tess? What makes you a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader? And could I give you ten dollars?" I usually joke that all it takes to be a Grand Master Comic Book Reader is the audacity to call yourself one. But isn't there also some rule that by spending ten thousand hours on something making, you suddenly become a super duper expert on it? Because I'm fairly certain I've spent that much time reading comic books (including staring at the pictures and reading letters pages, so I hope that counts). But I also have physical proof that I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! I've only sent one letter to a comic book in the thirty-plus years I've been reading comic books and that book was The Walking Dead. My letter was printed in Issue #8 (so if you have a few hundred bucks and want to verify this, you can!) and went like this:

Just wanted to drop a quick note to let you know I really enjoy your little zombie rag. The pacing is terrific, characterizations are intriguing and the art is just nifty. I hope the book continues for quite awhile. You've got my support. Thanks for the great read!
Jeff

Kirkman responded that he hoped to go at least 75 issues. Well, he's more than doubled that and turned his little zombie rag into a million dollar franchise! And I saw the potential because I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! Although I stopped supporting him after that issue and never picked up Issue #9. I feel a little bad about that. I think maybe I felt betrayed that they printed my letter that called the art nifty in an issue with Charlie Adlard art! I meant Tony Moore's art was nifty, you jerko! But I did keep picking the series up in trades, so I guess that counts too.

On a related note, does anybody want to buy The Walking Dead #1-8 for like fifty thousand dollars. Is that the going price yet? If not, I'll just hold onto them.

This issue is called "Everyone Says Goodbye, Sometimes" which I'm going to declare makes no sense at all, even if Gail Simone thought it up. Although I just touted my Grand Master Comic Book Reader credentials, so maybe I shouldn't admit to being too stupid to understand something. Um, I totally get it! People say goodbye! All of them! But they don't do it constantly! Just sometimes! Duh!

*gasp* Gail! Don't you know the trend is to have female characters get super angry at being told to smile now?! Although Alice is smashing people while smiling. So it's kind of the same thing. I think.

Lady Shiva is a bit disappointed that Black Alice is destroying one of the League of Assassins Corporate Headquarters. That means Strix probably has changed her mind about joining the League which means Shiva just lost her replacement which would let her leave the League. Too bad Gail isn't more proficient in the television show Arrow or she'd know that sometimes people can leave the League in other ways. Although I'm not a Grand Master Television Show watcher, so maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm especially not a Grand Master Television Watcher of bad television shows and Arrow is a terrible show. And it's not terrible for the reasons lots of fans think it's terrible! It was awful long before Laurel was killed. It was even awful long before they made the huge mistake of romantically entangling Felicity and Oliver. The writing is just terrible and the only way they can think to create drama is to have one character barely tell a lie and then another character discovers the lie and hates the other character forever and always. Plus Oliver has had sex with every single female character on the show except his sister. And I'm not even sure about his sister.

As the Secret Six and Friends storm the building, Elongated Man begins thinking about the Secret Six as his new adopted family. That's gross. Since when do families have weird sex on your couch? Oh wait. Am I allowed to be grossed out by the thought of incest? Am I supposed to be sensitive to Incestsexuals? Dammit! It's so hard being a consequence-free jerk in this day and age!

Even though the Secret Six are mounting a rescue mission, it's still up to Strix to win her own battle against Shiva. I don't think Gail Simone will kill Strix even if I thought Strix would lose a battle against Shiva. But I am a little bit worried about Shawna. Ferdie might be dealing with a broken heart by the end of this. You'll be able to tell he has a broken heart because he won't be able to come up with any sexual innuendos about Shawna being stiff.

Uh-oh. Now I'm really worried about her!

Shawna finishes her thought on the next page with "--that maybe some of us don't want to be saved?" I didn't expect a traitor in the midst but this is good. Shawna has mostly been taking a back seat to Ferdie throughout this run. This is the Shawna from Batgirl that creeped me the fuck out way back when. She's not silly and whimsical and able to feel anything that would allow her to fit in. That part of her was in Ferdie. Shawna herself though was, in short, a monster. So it's good to see she's still my girl.

I know there have been moments in this series that have made people feel feelings before this. Like with how Strix was coping with family or how Alice was bonding with Ralph or how Ralph and Sue were having their difficulties. I guess this moment between Shawna and Ferdie is the part that touches my cold black heart because I can't bear what happens next: they break up. It's devastating.

I just can't bear to see Shawna cutting off the part of her that has allowed herself to be loved. Ferdie may have been her weapon at times but he's also been her way of connecting. And for whatever reason, she's backsliding into the Shawna who doesn't believe she deserves love and happiness. This hurts my heart.

Catman isn't dead because he wasn't curious or something. He and the others interrupt Shiva and Strix's fight which probably saves Shiva's life. They explain to her that the fight is over and they'll be going now or else Black Alice will do some of that magic stuff that can't be defended against unless you're John Constantine. And that's the end of the League of Assassins story! There's still more suburban epilogue but I haven't read that yet! This story ended a bit quickly because Rebirth was rebirthing all over the place and it was time to shut a bunch of the DC Youniverse down. Although for some reason the Teen Titans still get to exist for a few more months. Ugh!

The epilogue is four months later and Strix has decided to never kill again and live in a treehouse with a bunch of gnomes. The rest of the Secret Six remain with the Dibnys having barbecues and enjoying the suburbs. I guess all that is well and good and a happy ending. But my heart is still breaking.

Saddest ending ever.

DC Universe Rebirth #1

First there was the Pre-Crisis Universe. Then the Post-Crisis Universe. Then the Zero Hour Touch-up Universe. Then there was the 2000s with about two dozen crises. That became the Preboot Universe. Then came the Reboot Universe. Then the DC Youniverse. Now after Rebirth, it will be the Afterbirth Universe.

The Review!
I can live with this change. I can't say for sure but it sounds like DC Comics is finally taking my advice that I've been giving for free for five years now and decided to go with a really loose continuity. Everything happened if a writer wants the thing from the past to have happened and wants to use it in their story. And since Wally keeps mentioning how he's forgetting things, he's helping frame the universe in a way that defies explanation. "Well how did that come about?" "I don't remember! Because if I remembered, it wouldn't make any fucking sense!" This is the kind of continuity I like. You know what? Forget even that word: continuity. It's history. It's the history of the DC Universe that makes the characters who they are and DC is once again acknowledging it. Let the Fangenders who need a consistent world that makes sense day by day struggle for a change. I just want to be able to read a comic book and think, "This is the world where Shade the Changing Man took place. At least until he got the Vertigo label, I guess! Same with Doom Patrol! I can now have the Cliff Steele who was friends with Crazy Jane and mentor to Dorothy Spinner. Although Booster Gold is still AWOL. Maybe he'll be the final fix to the universe. Actually, if Booster Gold were the Narrator in this comic book and it was Ted Kord who remembered him and brought him back, I might have actually cried. But as it was, I don't really have any emotional attachment to any Flash that ever existed. All in all, I like the direction the DC Universe is headed. I mean, since it's a universe, it's headed in all directions. Which isn't exactly true either because it's just expanding but not really moving! Or something.

The Commentary!
This comic book has a lot of pages for just $2.99! I don't mean that as praise that DC has held the line at $2.99 because they really haven't. They only do it when it suits them. Like with Rebirth! This is like handing out ecstasy at the local Junior High School. You know those kids won't be able to spend their lunch money fast enough for more of that shit. Of course, if the comic book is awful, DC could give this away with free hand-job or digital manipulation and nobody will be back for more. Hmm, even I wasn't convinced by that. If I got a free hand-job with this comic book, I'd ask my local comic book store to order more.

Okay, I'm going to take a serious guess as to whose hand is coming out of that bright light! I'm not going to make a bunch of jokes just to cover for my ignorance so that afterward I could be all, "Oh, ha ha! My guess was so obviously a joke because I totally knew who it was but who wants to read page after page of me bragging about my Grand Master Comic Book Reader status?! My guess is...

Jonni DC!

It would be just like Johns to turn Jonni DC into a dramatic character whose much more important than anybody first suspected! If I'm wrong, I'll never do what I would have said I was going to do here anyway so I'm just going to forget I said it.

The issue begins with somebody talking about a watch they received from their uncle which had been in the family for generations. Is Geoff Johns trying to make us think of things shoved up people's asses on purpose? That would make a good category on Jeopardy. I bet I'd do really well with that category.

The Narration Boxes are yellow and red so I'm going to guess they're Wally West's thoughts. Plus the Narrator mentions meeting a hero and becoming a legacy. Also because fans of Wally West have never been able to shut up about his disappearance from the DC Universe. Are there worse fans out there than Wally West fans? Of course! Look at the barely human monsters who like Deathstroke! Wally West fans are just over-enthusiastic! And whiny!

Nonexistent Wally West has decided that maybe Batman can help the DC Youniverse remember him because Batman can do anything. But Batman is currently obsessing over The Joker. Better yet, he's obsessing over three Jokers! This must be Batman's best day ever! Finding out there were three Jokers! My theory is that Rebirth is going to allow all events in DC's history to be part of continuity. Nothing has been labeled an Impossible Tale. Nothing has been Retconned. Nothing has been forgotten and thrown into the bin. It can all be referenced because it all happened. How it all happened doesn't fucking matter, you nerds! Just let it be! Let it all lie in a big disgusting mess on the floor like some forgotten, vile, stinking Afterbirth. Oh yeah! I mentioned my theory to continue with the three Jokers thing! I bet it's Geoff Johns way of explaining the various Joker-type stories. You have Joker stories where he's just a goofy flirt. And you have Joker stories where he's a dangerous, murdering, maniacal madman. And you have Joker stories where he puts things up Commissioner Gordon's butt while taking pictures. Hmm, maybe that falls into one of the first two categories. Anyway, I think you can probably think up a third type of Joker story better than I can because I'm barely paying attention to anything. I mean, I just farted a really long fart and am still giggling about it.

Great. The tomato goblin is back.

So is this how things stand, DC Comics? If I whine long and hard enough, you'll bring back my favorite character, the original Sgt. Rock? I don't mean an old guy who lived through World War II! I mean the same guy who was in the World War II comic books but is now alive in the modern era after having lived through World War II and all the intervening years without aging somehow. You figure it out! You're the comic book writers! I guess I just have to complain loudly enough until I get my way! Let me practice with some of the things the Wally West fans probably said to get this moment again.

"I will never accept that black kid as Wally West!"
"I can't believe you Blackwashed Wally West!"
"Wally West was my favorite when he wasn't a black and a criminal and not a white!"
"I hate when things change and they're not the way I wanted them to change! Plus some derogatory stuff about black Wally West! Like referring to him as Kanye!"

Okay! I think I got the hang of it!

I know people weren't simply upset that DC brought back Wally West as a totally different colored person (who was black). They were upset long before DC tried to bring Wally back as a totally different person. I guess I just don't understand the kind of love and loyalty a person can generate for a fictional character. Especially one with red hair.

Look, Afterbirth is messy! I'm going to ruffle some feathers here with some real honest facts like how redheaded people aren't actually people but some kind of meat-vegetable hybrid.

As an aside, people should remember a few words as they read my comic book "reviews". Those words are "hyperbole," "facetiousness", and "genius".

Wally is currently in a place where he remembers Flashpoint and probably all of the other stories he's ever been a part of. He's in the DC Afterbirth! Some people call it the Speed Force but I call it the Afterbirth. Mmm-hmm.

Two identical workplace accidents?! I bet OSHA was all over that.

Wally goes on to explain, in story terms, how The New 52 (and stories preceding it and Flashpoint) were huge mistakes that needed to be set right. But they needed to be set right in story terms! So instead of a bunch of editors taking the DC Universe and fucking it in every orifice they could until the Universe oozed from every pore, the DC Universe would have to be set right by the heroes from within! They would have to pretend the bad guys weren't the editors at all and were actually fictional supervillains or space aliens or time monsters who had to be stopped at all costs! It might not return the universe to something that fangenders can make sense of but it will hopefully return all of DC's history that was once lost. It has to be that way because look at what Giffen is doing in the Sugar and Spike comic book in Legends of Tomorrow! He's got DC's whole history as his playground and he's making full use of it! I mean, in Issue #3 he brought one of DC's Impossible Tales into actual continuity! If Rebirth is doing that, I'm all for Rebirth! Even if it means this idiot Wally West is back!

Just kidding, Wally West fans! Sheesh, you're so easy to piss off! It's like taking candy from a baby and then punching that baby to death so it shuts up about the loss of candy.

Chapter One ends and I realize I'm going to be writing a novella about this thing. I hope you're comfortable and have plenty of Oreos to eat while you read this. Speaking of Oreos, I'm going to go get a Ho-Ho now.

Next, Wally visits an old man in a facility for the elderly. If he's tied to the Speed Force, might it be some version of Jay Garrick who's still tied to the Afterbirth so he realizes something isn't quite right with the world?

Oh! It's almost Jonni DC, right?!

Johnny Thunder can't help because he's old and has lost the genie. So Wally continues his search. While traveling to his next destination, he feels somebody else lost outside of time whom he can't reach. Probably Booster Gold. He's been missing for quite awhile and he's supposedly important to straightening out all of these time shenanigans.

Some blonde member of the Legion of Super-heroes has also arrived in the present DC Youniverse to speak with Superman. The Legion of Super-heroes has about five million members and a good portion of them are blonde, so I don't know who it might be. Saturn Girl? One of the other ones I don't know the name of? Infectious Lass? Is she one of them?

Next there's a scene with Ryan Choi so I know Gail Simone just got some bonerses.

Ray Palmer has discovered a new universe that he's dubbed the Microverse! I'm snickering because I can now see "bonerses" and "Microverse" next to each other. Apparently the Microverse has something to do with how time has been fiddled with and The Atom has gotten lost investigating it. He needs Ryan Choi to once again become The Atom and to try not to die this time. Did he die the first time? I don't remember because time may have been changed and I can't trust my memories! Also I've never read a single comic book that had "The Atom" boldly printed across the cover.

The next legacy character to be visited is Jaime Reyes and his mentor, not dead Ted Kord. It's about time New 52 Ted Kord made an appearance as Blue Beetle and not just as some guy considering going into business with Lex Luthor!

I can't believe how long it's been since I've been able to do this again! Although I think I only used to do it when Jaime was in costume.

Jaime flies off to school while Ted is visited by Doctor Fate. Not that namby-pamby Doctor Fate who won't take his job seriously! This is the Doctor Fate that everybody wants to fuck. His voice is so...so...fonty! He explains that the Blue Beetle scarab is magic and not created by a race of aliens like everybody and their animated universes would have you believe! It's more of a Dan Garrett Scarab!

Elsewhere in the soon-to-be soup of Afterbirth, Damian turns thirteen which makes him eligible for the Teen Titans, Jessica Cruz has decided that what would make her costume really stand out is a Green Lantern Insignia monocle, and Aqualad is into boys. Thankfully! I always thought he was a fish-fucker.

Chapter Two ends with Pandora exploding into dust and smoke, much like what happened to Metron and Owlman on the moon. Good riddance! She never played the part she was supposed to have played anyway! I don't think. It's hard to say. All that Trinity War stuff was legerdemain. DC was all, "Look! Look! The Trinity of Sin! This is about them! Or is it about Wonder Woman, Superman, and Batman! Oh, oh! We fooled you all! It was really about Earth-3! Which isn't actually a trinity unless you include it as one part of three Earths. Which you shouldn't because Earth-2 never came into play in that story! By the way, fuck you, you stupid fans! Ha ha!"

They lost a chance at a one night stand is what they lost. And besides, what are Green Arrow and Black Canary doing at the site of Superman's death? Especially Black Canary! Shouldn't she be rocking somebody's face off right now?

Clark White and his family are hiding out in a hotel room trying to figure out where they go from here. Clark runs into the enigmatic Mister Oz last seen in Geoff Johns' run of Superman. I think. He's all, "I sent a blank Superman notebook to Superman! So funny! Maybe! I'm mysterious! Maybe it was foreboding! Things aren't what they appear! Or are they?! Oooooh! I can't say too much! Gotta go!"

On a deserted island somewhere, Aquaman asks Mera to marry him. Is this Didio and Johns' way of saying they were wrong and they realized all the things that they stole from their universe with The New 52? Because I can think of better ways to go about it than by making Mera miserable! Can you imagine spending the rest of your life as Aquaman's wife?! How humiliating.

Finally at the end of Chapter Three, Wally finds Linda Park and asks her to help him. But she doesn't remember him and he fucks off back to Afterbirth. Ha ha! I can't believe some Tumblrer thought this would make me cry! I don't give a shit about Wally West and Linda Park and their "true love!" Those quotes indicate you should read "true love" in a mocking, sing-song way. This story had better come with something a lot sadder than Park not remembering West!

Chapter Four explains who the new Wally West is. He was never meant to be a replacement for old Wally West. And by that I mean, he obviously was but now Geoff Johns has thought of a way to make him Wally's cousin Wally. Although he says that New 52 Wally West is Daniel West's son which isn't true at all. Or at least it wasn't true. I guess it's true now. But since this is Afterbirth, we have to hold both possibilities as true! Because every story DC has ever told has now happened! Even if some of them had glaring errors in them. Like this one I'm reading right now that says New 52 Wallace West is Daniel West's son.

After Linda forgets him and he sees Kid Flash is in good feet, he finally decides to confront the guy who caused all of this to happen (or, at least, gave the mysterious villain the opportunity to cause it). He really should have gone to see Barry Allen first. I know Batman is the go-to guy to solve every problem but when time is fucked up? That's all Flash.

Still not sad. If Wally really does die before this is over, still won't be sad. Might even have a little dance.

The Flash manages to recognize Wally and pull him back into the world. Or it was a mistake and he thought it was New 52 Wally he was rescuing. Either way, it worked! Preboot Wally West is back in the world! Now he can tell everybody about the danger and they can stop it by the end of this issue and the DC Youniverse can turn into the DC Afterbirth! Or it could go another way. It could go the Geoff Johns' way where nothing is really explained but he keeps on baiting hook after hook after hook for ten years telling his story without ever satisfying anybody because he keeps changing direction every year or so. You know, it'll probably go that way.

The Flash suddenly remembers everything thanks to remembering Kid Flash. He now knows lots of things that don't add up or make any sense if thought about for too long. So don't think about them! Just remember that all of your favorite Flash stories happened at some point. Every single one of them. Even the bad ones happened! But you don't have to acknowledge those if you don't want to. Because it's all right there. DC acknowledges that they all exist. All of it. No matter how hard it is to explain things now.

The way Wally West tells the story about the people who want to destroy the universe just make it sound like he's talking about DC's editors and readership. I suppose he could be but that would actually suck because I don't want that kind of meta-bullshit invading my mainstream superhero comic books! Although I suppose the bad guys might just be aliens called "Eddortors" or something.

The last page of the main story has Batman finding the Comedian's button with the blood on it in the wall of the Batcave. Well, that explains why Johns made the first page so reminiscent of the Watchmen.

The Epilogue takes place on Mars where Ozymandias and Doctor Manhattan are having a conversation as Doctor Manhattan fixes Wally's lost watch. It sounds like Adrian, once again, manipulated events to save everybody from themselves. Instead of a giant exploding space octopus in Times Square, he used Flashpoint to change shit so that DC Comics wouldn't go bankrupt. Or something. I don't know. He's way smarter than I am! I'm sure he had a reason!

Secret Six #13

Ferdie is checking out Strix's ass.

The Review or Whatever!
Secret Six stories always have titles that I never understand! It's like Gail Simone is all, "I'm so smart! I write fully realized characters dealing with actual themes and meaning and shit! Plus I drink tea and know everything there is to know about the television show Arrow! NARF!" And I'm over here thinking, "What does 'Violence of Silence' even mean?! How dumb am I?! Am I hurting people when I walk quietly down the street? Should I be screaming my fool head off?!" If this were a Geoff Johns book, I could just think, "I get it! Strix is mute and she kicks ass and 'silence' and 'violence' rhyme so that's a totally cool title! AWESOME! Geoff Johns for President of the Universe!" But since I know Gail Simone is way smarter than me, I get all nervous and insecure trying to understand her fancy-pants comic book writing skills. At least I know Geoff Johns has no idea what he's actually doing. That's comforting!

Your name is just League of Assassins! That doesn't sound old at all! What makes you sound old is having manservants named Milliford!

Shiva decides that the best thing to do to Strix now that Strix has agreed to join the League of Assassins is to torture her. To be fair to Shiva, she probably thinks she's in control and that Strix will react like every other jerk who ever wanted to be a member of the League of Old People. How can she not see that Strix only joined to protect her friends (who are now family?)?! Or maybe she does see that and she doesn't care because Shiva is arrogant enough to think that she's strong enough to break Strix. So Shiva gives Strix champagne (which Strix reacts to correctly because it is disgusting) and then throws her gnome off of the roof of the building.

Does the gnome shattering on the ground constitute a death of one of the members of Secret Six? Probably, right?

This issue is called "Silent Running". That's confusing because Strix is not a member of the Court of Roadrunners!

How dare Gail Simone try to redeem this guy! My hatred for this white male authority figure was the only emotion I had left!

Catman gets a call that there's a job that looks like a job for his sperm! His sperm are all, "Yay!" Onlookers are all, "Look! Up in the sky! Is that a bird? Is it a plane? No it's...eeewww."

Catman accepts but only if Scandal does him a favor. I bet that favor is she must remove his sperm with her mouth and spit it up into Knockout (or Stripper Knockout). Would that work? I think the science is pretty accurate.

The League of Assassins finally buy Strix a tablet so she doesn't have to keep scrawling notes with her ratty pad and her piece of hardened raccoon poop. Those Birds of Prey were cheap bastards! If it has wi-fi, I bet Strix spends the rest of the issue surfing for porn.

Strix's first assignment with the League is killing a bunch of actors who kind of look like the rest of the Secret Six if you squint just right and punch yourself in the vagina until your eyes tear up. If you don't have a vagina, your testicles will suffice.

Shiva is a Grandmaster too! We're practically twinsies! Although she's Grandmaster at killing people while I'm Grandmaster at reading comic books. Practically the same thing!

Strix kills all of the Secret Six surrogates and Shiva breathes a sigh of relief. Because now Shiva gets to leave the League! Except for that part where the Secret Six plus Scandal and Silver Banshee and Ragdoll will soon be crashing through the doors to get Strix out of there. And since it's the final issue (I think?), maybe they'll all die! You never know! If this were the New Suicide Squad, you would know that nobody would die. But this comic book has the potential for actual consequences! As long as Ferdie survives, I'll be okay with a few losses.

Edge of Oblivion #4

I never realized what a high percentage of Guy's costume was turtle neck and collar.

The Review!
I don't really care what happens in this comic book. Reading this comic book is like watching somebody mop up after a drunk asshole pisses all over the bathroom floor. Basically something occurred that should not have occurred and now Tom Taylor has to clean it all up before people begin to think that the bathroom floor has always been covered in Cullen Bunn's piss. Eventually the Corps will get back to the proper universe and everybody will forget that this little side adventure was ever pitched and somehow received as a good idea. On the plus side, Tom Taylor does the best job he can with a mop and a floor covered with piss. He even manages to wring one more twist out of the Green Lantern Mythos by making the bad guys who the Lanterns thought were the good guys into the super bad guys known as...The Blackest Knights! I bet Geoff Johns heard that and was all, "What?! Why didn't I think of that!" Of course Johns may have thought of it since I didn't read any of his ten year long run (Preboot, of course). Also, the Blackest Knights are a thinly veiled analogy of the United States foreign policy of constant war and imperialism while Marniel represents the powerless resorting to terrorist acts to do what they think is right. Of course, it all leads to a big fight between the Green Lanterns, some who have been brainwashed by Western propaganda and others who see the truth! Not that I'm judging anything in any way! I'm just describing what this book is about!

So basically, if you hate America, you should love this book! There might be other reasons to love this book too but I wouldn't know what they are. I just know this book keeps reminding me that Lost Army was a thing. A horrible, horrible thing.

Secret Six #12

Secret Strix?

Rating: In many ways, Gail Simone's Secret Six has always been a spiritual successor to John Ostrander's Suicide Squad. Most of the revamps of Suicide Squad missed what made Ostrander's such a hit. It wasn't about characters possibly dying every month. It wasn't about loading a team full of star villains to attract an audience. It was about bringing to life characters that had been largely one-dimensional up until that point. When people think of Deadshot now, they're thinking of Ostrander's Deadshot. He realized Deadshot so fully that people probably just assume the character was always the guy Ostrander brought to life. But he was just a guy who was really good with a gun who Batman kept running afoul of. Simone did much of the same with Catman and Bane and many others, as well as creating a bunch of her own. The series shines because the characters are not ignored. They're not just fodder for the plot in garish costumes. They are fully realized and enjoyable to read about. I wish more writers would understand that plot is less important than characterization. I'd rather read a bunch of interesting characters sitting around a diner talking than have a bunch of hot, one-dimensional people in spandex hitting each other with heavy objects for twenty pages. Secret Six will be missed after Rebirth. I just realized that I'll probably start calling all of the stories after Rebirth "Afterbirth". DC is about to get gross.

• What is the secret?! No, seriously. What is it? I think I missed it at some point. I have a nagging suspicion that the secret is Mockingbird can't count to six.

• One secret is that I photoshopped a bunch of fake tweets by Gail Simone about "What is the secret?!" and posted them on Tumblr with tags saying "Photoshopped Tweets" and "Let me repeat myself. These tweets are photoshopped!" and "These are not real!" I knew it wouldn't help which is why I wasn't surprised when somebody reblogged them with the tag "This is why I love Gail". No, that is why you love me!

• So what was going on previously? I think Batgirl and Catman were rutting in the park while Goatfly watched. That was so sexy I nearly happy accidented all over myself. Also Sue decided she wanted Ralph back because you can only hear "What two letters keep a car from going?" "M-T!" so many times before your vagina dries up and falls off. And Shiva was hunting Strix for secret assassin reasons.

• The title of this issue is "The Violence of Silence". It rhymes so it must be profound wisdom. Profound wisdom hasn't always rhymed. That's just a modern thing because modern people are easily impressed by people who can think up two words that sound almost identical. I wish Jesus had given all of his allegories in rhyme. With a good beat. He may as well have been a rapper since he had the biggest East Coast/West Coast rivalry of all time. Although the Romans weren't too good at drive-bys. They were better at long-occupation-bys.

• You know what caused the Roman civilization to collapse? Washing their hands of things! You can't just ignore problems by washing your hands and waving the problem away and going off to draw a cock on the wall! You have to fix the problem! And by "fix" I don't mean "affix to a giant cross."

• Oh! I think maybe the Roman civilization collapsed because of the violence of silence! Maybe? No? Am I on to something?

• I actually know a lot less about everything than I pretend to.

• No wait! I meant the reverse of that last bullet point!

• Currently Scandal and Knockout and Stripper Knockout are considering which vintage of sperm to sprinkle on their baby cakes.

• I actually know a lot more about doing it than I pretend to! Like how awesome it probably is!

I just realized how perfect these two are for each other! Not Catman and Batgirl! The pets! On walks, the dog shits and Goatfly eats it! No mess! Okay, the goat still makes a mess. But I don't think you're legally required to pick up goat droppings.

• A cop in Ralph's neighborhood calls Shiva "sweetcheeks". While not technically incorrect, it's probably a bad move.

• In every run-in I've ever had with the police, not one has ever been complimentarily degrading. I think my feelings are hurt.

• The cop also calls Shiva "little dumplin'", "lady", "hot stuff", and probably something else. I think he notices her feet are cute too but I can't confirm that since her feet are hidden in every panel. That's such a sexist move! Framing a woman so that you can't see her feet.

• Catman warns Porcelain to get Strix out of the house. Why? Shiva might be a deadly assassin but Strix is an immortal Talon! I'm confident Strix can take whatever Shiva has to dish out. Unless Shiva's here to taunt Strix for not fitting in and not having a family and being horribly emotionally and physically scarred by life. That might hurt.

• I just realized Strix and I have a lot in common!

See?

• Strix writes a note to Batgirl when everybody meets up on the front lawn. The note is "I hart your yelow boots" and not "Y did u byrds not git me an ipad, cheepsktes?"

• Shiva defeats everybody in one page. Probably to show how good she is and not because comic books are only twenty pages and Gail Simone would rather fill those few pages with more cute notes from Strix. I mean, it could be that! But I think it's more about Shiva's talent at ass-kicking.

• Shiva invites Strix to join the League of Assassins. Usually invites aren't threats against your loved ones but this is the League of Assassins. They like to put on a show.

• Strix accepts the offer to save her friends and new family! Tragedy!

Holy shit! You can print that kind of thi...oh. Wait. Sorry. Misread that!

• Batgirl gives Mary her yellow boots. How is Batgirl going to afford another pair of yellow Doc Martens?! Doesn't she still owe Black Canary a new van and a complete wardrobe and maybe an entirely new dojo too?

• Sue returns to the house and finds it filled with vagabonds, strays, and perverts. Wasn't that a Cher song? Or an Indigo Girls album?

• Ralph calls the Secret Six "strays" after I called them strays. Word stealer! Although he doesn't call them vagabonds or perverts.

• Sue brings Ralph his Elongated Man suit so that the Secret Six can learn how annoying he really is.

• The team decides to go save Strix from the League of Assassins! That fight might take longer than one panel.

Secret Six #9

Butts are touching.

I'm tired of trying to guess the secret. Eight issues in and it's yet to be revealed! This is bullshit. I wouldn't hang around reading a comic book called "Batman" for eight issues if he were never in it! Oh wait. That's exactly what I'm doing while Snyder gets this Commissioner Batman crap out of his system. Fine! I'll give it one more issue before I...well, I'm going to keep reading it. But I'm going to complain quite a bit!

Now that I brought up the secret, I'm a little bit nervous. What if the secret was already revealed and I missed it?! Was the secret that The Riddler was Mockingbird? Was the secret that Ferdie had a diamond shoved up his ass? Was the secret that Sue Dibny realized she wanted a normal lover because she was terribly creeped out by a Ralph's squidgy cock? Was the secret that Scandal gave the unnamed kitten to Catman? Was the secret that the kitten actually had a name and I've forgotten that as well?! Maybe the secret is that the secret isn't quite so fucking important as I thought it was. Maybe the secret is family! No wait. That's ohana.

The Secret Six have gone off with Etrigan to open the White Gate while the Enclave of Magic are trying to keep the White Gate closed. The Secret Six fucked everything up last issue so maybe Faust's group can fix things this issue.

I first read Swamp Thing's dialogue as "they're coming on everyone". Possibly because he looks like Zatanna's fucked up blow up doll here.

Back under the ocean, Ferdie reveals that he's got whatever power Ambush Bug has. Not teleportation! That one where he can speak directly to the reader. I don't know if he knows he's in a comic book or not but he definitely thinks he's in a Grant Morrison story. His power doesn't extend to hearing the reader though because I just asked him what the secret was and he didn't answer. I did show him my dick though.

He's totally into it.

Porcelain smashes the first Alabaster Uncircumcised Cock Statue just before the ocean rushes in. But Lord Arion's fish people cast a spell which teleports the Secret Six to safety. Catman flirts with Aquaman just before he's magically snatched away but Arthur is too dense to get it. Although his new uniform makes him look like he understood. Because it looks like he has an erection. Does nobody at DC care that Aquaman's makeover makes him look like he's constantly sporting a massive boner?

Arthur does try to warn Catman not to smash the other alabaster phalluses because it'll just let all of the Great Old Ones into their dimension. At this point, I don't think the team cares. They're just going to have to battle a bunch of ancient immortal all-powerful gods after they've saved Black Alice. They can probably handle it.

The next alabaster phallus is in a fancy dress party in some place called Perdition.

Strix shows that the Bat-Family policy of killing Talons might need to be reworked. Not that I didn't think that already! But how could any of them think they haven't just committed murder after seeing Talons display sentience and individual personalities?

The Six meet an orphan girl who shows them the way through the abandoned town and into the mine where the party is being held. No part of that previous sentence inspires confidence in the situation.

It turns out there isn't a party. Everybody just needed to dress fancy because this town is lost in time and people used to dress fancy when they knew somebody else might see them and then gossip about how awful their clothes were. It also turns out everybody in the town has died of starvation. They're still hanging about as ghosts because the mine is full of an ancient god affecting the local reality. It's name is Maggie and it asks the Secret Six to help free it by breaking its alabaster phallus. That might make the Six rethink their position on opening up strange portals.

Swamp Thing arrives to try to warn them as well but if the huge ancient god's declaration that it will end the universe when it's freed didn't sway them against destroying the White Gate, what argument can Swamp Thing come up with?

The alabaster phalluses aren't as phallusy as they were last issue.

Chaos is my jam too, Etrigan! This is my Work entry on Facebook: "Works at destroying the calm and embracing the chaos." I knew Etrigan was my favorite for a reason! Actually for several reasons. None of them pervy.

Ralph Dibny shoves the alabaster phallus into the head of Maggie, mortally wounding it. So I guess their plan is to just deal with the gods that wind up being unleashed. I doubt the other ones will be as easy to kill as Maggie was.

While the Six were off doing their mission, Scandal and Rag Doll were having adventures in babysitting with Black Alice. They battled some sphinxes and...well, that's all that happened, really. But Black Alice woke up and was told by Scandal that if her friends succeed in saving her, the world will end. So Black Alice decides she needs to die and asks Scandal Savage to kill her. I think she's asking the wrong Savage.

Secret Six #9 Rating: No change. None! I mean, some stuff happened and most of it was entertaining. And the art looked really nice. And something about the letterer because you have to mention the letterer in a proper review. Also the colorist! There were colors! Lots of them! It made the book not boring like all black and white comic books. So boring! Did anybody ever try to read Cerebus?! Pee-yuke! So black and white! And Elfquest was terrible until the colors were added! Although the colors that were added in the Father Tree Press editions were never as good as the colors in the Starblaze Graphics editions! I don't think color matters when it comes to the letterer though so if you're a Letterer Fucker (that's a person who is such a fan of letterers that they love to fuck them at conventions), Cerebus is probably a pretty good comic book! Although Dave Sim is the writer, artist, and letterer so you won't be fucking him because the last time I heard, he was celibate. He doesn't even masturbate! It's against his religion which is Christjewslam or something. Um. Anyway. Ten stars!