Action Comics #976

I accept neither of these as the real Superman. Where the fuck is the spit curl?

If this cover says what I think it's saying, it's kind of a spoiler for the end of the story, right? Preboot Superman is Superman Blue, the Superman who thinks his way out of situations. New 52 Superman is Superman Red, the Superman who prefers punching first and then punching later too. And if they are Superman Red and Superman Blue then they're just two halves of the same Superman. That means the ending of this story will be the merging of the two Supermen which will result in Superman being the better Superman who can also claim to be Batman's friend. And while you are all standing and applauding the use of Red and Blue Superman in a novel way to explain some pretty fucked up Superman history, please try to ignore the Blue and Red Lois behind the curtain. It probably makes sense somehow. I bet after Superman split himself in two with his kryptonite-powered Dopplegänger creator invention (which he totally didn't invent because he wanted to fuck himself), Lois wandered in to totally not dust it because that would be sexist and thought, "Hmm. I wonder what it would be like to fuck myself?"

So that's probably the end of the story! I guess there's some details I'm missing and, hopefully, some flashbacks to Lois fucking herself (and Superman too! It's not that I don't want to see that as well. I just want to see Lois on Lois action a little bit more).

The story continues with New 52 Superman and Lois being freed from Hell by Jon. He doesn't realize they're not his parents though because he's yet to see Superman punch a helpless normie criminal in the face while Lois writers a terrible article on how heroic Superman is rather than how violent and debauched. Preboot Superman and Lois fell off the side of the building and are presumably dead. Unless what's really happened is that Superman and Lois have just finally forgotten everything the way Mr. Mxyzptlk wanted them to forget because they already merged with Red Superman and Red Lois aka the New 52 idiots.

Look at this bully! He even pushes himself around.

As Superman and Mxy argue, Jon notices a couple of blue spheres floating around now. It looks like the red versions of Superman and Lois just kicked the blue versions out of their homes. So now they just need to merge and they'll have beaten Mr. Mxyzptlk. Plus Dan Jurgens doesn't need to think of a way to trick Mxy into saying his name backwards because Mxy has a signed contract that says he'll agree to go home if Superman makes it to the end of the board game. And anyway, Mxy wants to go home before Dr. Oz takes notice of him.

I probably could have left this review with my interpretation of the cover because the details really don't matter! Mxy bails because he's afraid of Dr. Oz while Superman and Lois embrace their blue (Preboot) and red (New 52) halves to fix DC continuity. I probably should have put fix in quotes because every time DC tries to fix something wrong with their continuity, they just make it worse. It would be so much easier to just embrace my fix: denial! Just fucking pretend everything works and stop worrying about the discussions on rabid fangender forums about the minutest continuity problems!

It looks like DC might just be taking my approach but with this story as a kind of Pilate washing his hands of it all moment. Here's what Dr. Oz says: "This changes everything. A new, existence-wide, single reality, rebuilt from two. A timeline and history both familiar and new with lives realigned. Consistent with the memories and experiences of all. Everything solidified. Locked in so it all fits." There you have it! Exactly what I was hoping Rebirth would be (although it took long enough for DC to get around to it. And, in fact, I don't think DC intended this fix, exactly, from the beginning. They probably read my blog and were all, "That Tess is right! Let's just create a universe where it all works simply because we say it does! But we need a story to get us there! Oh! I know! How about instead of just a Red and Blue Superman, we have a Red and Blue DC Continuity! Merge them and then all stories are true!" Then Greg Rucka was all, "But what about what I'm doing in Wonder Woman! You're going to ruin my story with your shortcut!" And DC was all, "Oh, go to hell, you pretentious twat."

Dr. Oz marvels at Superman's ability to rewrite reality without the go ahead of his editors. Then Dr. Oz thinks, "Speaking of editors, I wonder what Big Blue will think about this! And I don't mean Superman!" Then there's a shot of Mars. Stunner!

The Ranking!
+1! I have to give this a plus one, at least, because it's done the only thing I really wanted out of Rebirth. It's simply allowed for all stories (Pre-Crisis, Post-Crisis, Zero Hour, Infinite Crisis, New 52, Rebirth) to be as true as the reader wants them to be. Don't like a story? Forget about it! It doesn't need to exist! Love a story that was wiped from existence by some reboot or another? It's part of continuity if you want it to be! All you have to do is ignore the ravenous fangenders who will obstinately bring up moments that contradict the moment you love! This issue is a loudly shouted "FUCK OFF!" to those dicks!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #21

This is why I've given up on meeting comic book writers and artists. Because after meeting Kuder, it makes it harder to say "Worst professional cover ever or B+ Junior Level Art Assignment?" about this cover.

Some guy named Mister Bend from Arlington, Virginia, runs some super top secret program from out of the basement in his house. He's probably the bad guy who has been in the shadows ever since Peter J. Tomasi began his run on this comic book. And he'll probably be the last bad guy joining the Anti-Superman League. But before any of that is revealed as probably shitty assumptions, Mister Bend needs to suck out all of Firestorm's juices.

Firestorm is back and he's once again Ronnie Raymond with Jason Rusch's head floating nearby. Ever since these two got married in the Zero Issue of their self-titled series, we haven't really seen much of them. Other than the eight issues that followed the surprise marriage issue, of course! I thought after the symbolic marriage in Issue #0, Ronnie and Jason were going to embrace their homosexuality. But it looks like they still haven't quite come to grips with it.

Oh really, Jason. Tell us more about your new Canadian girlfriend you met at International Summer Camp?

Firestorm is ambushed by some coal monster masquerading as drowning fishermen. I hope we find out why this scene was in this comic book later! Maybe it's just a sneak peek of a new Firestorm comic book to be released soon.

Getting back to one of the stars of this comic book, Wonder Woman is standing around holding onto her lasso which has been wrapped around Lois Lane so that she won't lie about why she's so obsessed with Superman. Lois acts like a hostile jerk when asked questions. Oh, it doesn't feel so good having some nosy asshole stick a microphone in your face demanding you answer questions they have no business asking, does it? It's so easy to hide behind the trite statement, "The people have a right to know!" Not as easy when people expect the same kind of cooperation from you, is it, Miss Lane?

The interview ends before Lois Lane accidentally mentions how often she masturbates to images of Superman and then Superman crashes through the wall. Pretty strong for a guy who's lost his powers, right?

Superman decides to be angry at Wonder Woman because comic books (even when they're written by somebody as trustworthy a writer as Tomasi, I guess). Superman is being a real dick lately. When is Wonder Woman just going to dump his ass and get this comic book cancelled? I'm surprised she stuck with him after he gave her a huge guilt trip about her not oiling the dangerous alien flower he foisted on her. Maybe Wonder Woman knew at that moment that the relationship was over but she's just now in the spiraling end cycle of the relationship that almost always goes on for too long. Just end it quick and clean, Diana! Clark Kent isn't worth it.

Look at Wonder Woman's lifeless eyes and blank expression. She knows it's over!

As Wonder Woman rolls her eyes, she notices Atomic Skull and Major Disaster and Shocker and Metallo and Silver Banshee (Supergirl's friend?!) hanging from the ceiling in tubes. This is where they're incarcerated because they're too dangerous to actually have a trial. But they're also being used for energy by Mister Bend! Um, probably. These villains and their energy powers tie in to the Firestorm bit at the beginning! I'm figuring stuff out on my own!

Just as Steel realizes something fishy is going on, the villains crash to the floor and the security guards become those energy siphoning monsters who took down Firestorm. I hope Wonder Woman doesn't try to help because Superman will just yell at her. Why is her name even on the cover? When does she get an important plot of her own?

The Siphon Monsters gulp down the bad guys and almost get Superman. But he's saved by Wonder Woman and all of his friends. He gives them his thanks by lecturing Wonder Woman and Lois Lane and telling them they betrayed him by caring about his well being. Fuck you, Clark Kent. Go to hell. I'm sick of reading your stories even if Peter J. Tomasi does his best to write around Group Editor Sexualie Harasseganza's mandates.

In the Epilogue, Mister Bend enters a portal and arrives at the Anti-Superman League meeting.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #21 Rating: -1 Ranking. The Superman books are the worst. Maybe I should start a Kickstarter to fund a reward for the first person to kick Eddie Berganza in the balls.

Justice League of America #7

You'd better make that single arrow count, Oliver!

I currently have a summer cold because I dared to walk amongst you filthy, virulent, disease-ridden organisms last week. So I've been sucking on some Halls Cough Drops things because they keep me from continuously coughing which is a nice change of pace from continuously coughing. The cough drop wrappers have "A PEP TALK IN EVERY DROP" (with a trademark symbol on that cleverest of clever sayings just in case you were thinking of stealing it for use with your semen or breast milk or something). They are the stupidest, most trite, ridiculous "PEP TALKS" that any middle management unimaginative suit and tie could come up with. Of course I'm going to share some with you!

"Don't wait to get started." Nope. You wouldn't want to look like a giant ass lazy fuck. This is America! Get off the couch and hit the bricks, Capitalist!

"You've survived tougher." Well I fucking hope so! If I die from an illness for which my main medication is sweetened candy lozenges, I fucking didn't deserve to live.

"Get back in the game." Here's a little sneak peek at America, all you foreigny foreigners: We treat everything as if it's a sport. If a sports analogy doesn't exist for a situation, that situation can't possibly exist. Everything in America is a competition and the longer I sit at home sucking on Hall's Lozenges being a weak twerp, the further back I'm getting in the race! I'm being left behind because I'm a weak piece of shit!

"Hi-five yourself." *slap* You know what? I feel better already! I'm pumped up now! Everything is awesome! Well, everything would be if I wasn't so fucking pissed off at this wrapper and the assholes who wrote it! "Hi-five"? It's HIGH FIVE, you stupid candy medicine monkeys!

"Turn 'can do' into 'can did!'" At first I just thought whoever penned these was reluctant to put an exclamation point on the sayings because they knew sick people would be reading them and who wants to read aphorisms in an overly enthusiastic voice when snot is streaming from their face holes. But now that I've found this one with an exclamation point, I can't help but read the others in a depressed voice. "Oh, I suppose you've survived tougher." "Hi-five yourself although I don't know what good that will do you."

"Don't try harder. Do harder!" Oh, I guess some of these have pickup lines on them too!

"The show must go on. Or work." What the fuck does that one even mean?! "Hey, you know, you've eaten pretty nearly a whole bag of these while away from your job for a few days and, well, don't you think maybe you should get back to work? America can't run itself, you know? Busy busy busy!"

And, of course, "Seize the day." With just a period, of course. They don't want you going fucking crazy while using the verb "seize"!

This issue opens with a gaggle of Lawyers telling Lex Luthor that he's about to become a free man. I suppose this shit will be explained more later but even if it isn't, does it really matter? It's not like DC has explained why Lex Luthor is in prison in the first place. Or what happened to his face.

Did they? Maybe I missed it in a mini-series I didn't read or something.

Anyway, Lex Luthor fires them all because, I suspect, Lex doesn't actually want to be free from the prison he created for himself. Because he can escape any time he wants, having made the place with his own designs. And he's living a nice, safe life of luxury behind his prison walls.

But then this bitch has got to come ruin his good times. "Touch my box! Touch my box!" Get the fuck out of here with that ratchet shit!

While Lex Luthor contemplates his conjugal visitor, Plastique is busy shoving coins onto Doctor Light's corpse. The Purple People Leader says something about Doctor Light's metamorphosis but whatever's going to happen, it'll have to happen without Doctor Light's soul because it's all cozy and secure in Heaven's Foyer.

And elsewhere, Doctor Psycho is doing truly psychotic things instead of acting like Superboy's bumbling sidekick.

I refuse to believe Lobdell's Doctor Psycho is the actual Doctor Psycho. I think it's just a hypnotized eight year old with delusions of being a well-written character.

I get the feeling that the comic books Superman, Superboy, and Action Comics aren't currently in The New 52 continuity. Eventually Lobdell will leave DC and everything he wrote will be ignored by the writers that come after. Because it's all shit.

The Justice League of America and Superman and some other members of the Justice League need some answers from Doctor Psycho because he was in Khandaq when Superman killed Doctor Light. So everybody believes he probably had something to do with it. Because he's a psionic. And he, you know, calls himself Doctor Psycho. But whatever Martian Manhunter learns will have to wait because the scene shifts to The House of Mystery where the rest of the crew is hanging out waiting for Batman to return from Heaven. Which he eventually does. And that's that for that scene. Personally, I don't think it should have interrupted the Doctor Psycho scene since it didn't really reveal much. Except maybe that The House of Mystery has a major woody for Catwoman.

The Atom cracks under Martian Manhunter's interrogation of Doctor Psycho.

So now the cats are all out of the bag and eating everybody's food. And Element Woman, who isn't always in a very good space, is emotionally wounded that her friend The Atom lied to her. But she'll feel better when Metamorpho turns up since the Free Comic Book Day Comic mentioned somebody stealing the Orb of Ra from the Black Room. So he's out there somewhere! And any appearance he may or may not have made in Batman Incorporated doesn't count because that comic book exists in a hazy place in The New 52 continuity.

With The Atom's revelations, Superman decides it's time to intimidate Amanda Waller. I hope she gets demoted down to Head of, and Only Head of, Task Force X.

Back to Lex Luthor's cell, Wonder Woman and her crew interrupt before Luthor can finger Pandora's Box. I really can't wait for the Trinity War to be over so I can stop repeating, over and over and over, double entendres about her stupid box. Even I'm sick of them! And I don't get sick of listening to myself very often

How the hell did they get in here? Fucking comic books.

Wonder Woman takes the box and becomes possessed by it, growing an eye in the middle of her tiara and a sword chained to her left arm. Batman and the others learn that The Phantom Stranger has been killed although who the fuck really cares. None of them really needed him anyway. And Superman and his Super Friends return to Amanda Waller which is when Plastique's Doctor Light bomb goes off. Which means it won't have killed Martian Manhunter or Superman or Element Woman or Firestorm or Cyborg although since it's a bomb, Green Arrow might be dead next issue! Right? No? Yeah, probably not.

Justice League of America #7 Rating: No change. So far it feels like this Trinity War could have been finished in two issues of the Justice League. These interim issues don't really feel like the plot is moving forward much. And there are so many heroes involved, nobody gets any real time to shine and there's no real feel for any of the characters. After playing this shit up since The New 52 began, it had better have a tremendous payoff!