Green Lanterns #10

If this is what happens when you wear it, why isn't the Phantom Ring the Rainbow Ring?

Last issue was Issue #9. I don't think I read it because I can't remember anything interesting about it.

This issue begins with some guy I've never seen before threatening a woman in Dearborn, Michigan. I feel like if I turn the page, I'm going to completely forget everything about it because this guy is fucking boring. So nondescript! I guess I just described him as boring so he's semi-descript. But mostly, there's nothing remarkable about him and nothing much to say. Totally forgettable. I don't even know why he's in this comic book.

Nearby, Simon Baz has put on the Phantom Ring and now he's cycling from one emotion to the next. I just realized that Geoff Johns totally screwed up. Each emotion should begin with a letter of the word rainbow. I mean, he came close! But as it stands, it spells R-A-F-C-H-L-W! I bet he had planned on doing that which is why it starts out correctly. But then he just gave up because how many emotions begin with an "I"? Like none, probably! Is "itchy" an emotion?

Rami the Hobo Guardian explains to Simon Baz that nobody should ever wear the ring he created. Well maybe he shouldn't have created it then! Or maybe he should have destroyed it. He flew all the way across the universe to dump it on Hal Jordan. He couldn't think to toss it in a black hole on the way over? Oh wait. Black holes in the DC Universe tend to be portals to other DC Universes instead of just super dense points in space that lead nowhere but to destruction. I guess he had to bring it to Earth to cause trouble! Although he probably could have kept quiet about it so that every alien in the universe wasn't looking for it. I bet he couldn't help bragging about it down at the local bar because there was a cute server he had a crush on and he kept having to tell him how he was forging this super powerful cosmic ring and maybe he'd like to come round his apartment to check it out sometime?

No you won't. What the fuck does the rest of this country think Portland looks like? A fucking Dr. Seuss book?!

I added Jessica's eyeballs because she looks creepy without them. Sometimes she has them and sometimes she doesn't. I guess it depends on how manipulative she's trying to be emotionally.

Simon and Jessica decide to spend a few pages on interior monologues while they rescue a neighbor from a house fire. I don't know how the fire started. Total mystery. Anyway, by the end of their monologues, both of them have decided that maybe they should trade out their Green Lantern ring for the Phantom Ring. What a great premise for a story! A ring that everybody must have and nobody is willing to destroy it even though it's too powerful!

While Jess and Si are out thinking stuff, some new guy sneaks into the house to steal the Phantom Ring.

I wonder what this guy's story is?

This guy Francis puts on the Phantom Ring and recites the second lamest Green Lantern Oath I've ever heard after the original. This guy is backed by Volthoom who taught him the rhyme. I guess the rhyme helps him control the Phantom Ring. Or else it's all the training he claims he's done to earn a regular Green Lantern ring. He seems really jump though so I guess that's why he was never chosen. Just to make sure readers realize he can't overcome great fear, he nearly jumps out of his skin when Simon's brother-in-law attacks him with an axe.

I'm not sure what happens but suddenly there's this guy in a Yellow Lantern costume in Nazir's kitchen. Where'd he come from?! He tortures Nazir with some scary light constructs before fleeing with Volthoom. Meanwhile, Sam Humphries does his part to show how representation totally matters. Especially when you write an example into your comic book.

No you can't. They don't recruit redheads.

I know Guy Gardner is a redhead! You don't think I don't know that?! It was a dumb joke! Sheesh. I can't be completely hilarious 5000% of the time! Sometimes I have to write some hacky material! It's just part of the process.

Simon and Jessica see a green streak race through the sky and wonder who it is.

I'm also wondering who it is. Where did this guy come from? And what's he doing with Rami?! Why spring him on the reader on the last page like this?!

The Ranking!
-1! I don't like the way this story is being told. It's just not for me. It's not my style! And so, I am dropping it from my reading list.

Green Lanterns #9

The Phantom Ring logo looks like the Flying Nun.

The Ranking!
-2 Ranking! The last issue ended with some mysterious guy headed to Dearborn, Michigan to steal the Phantom Ring from the Green Lanterns. I mentioned how the person must be some boring nobody or else Sam Humphries would have revealed who it was to get readers excited about picking up the next issue. Well, guess what? The guy with the AK-47 on the hunt for the Phantom Ring is just a boring nobody! And this issue is his boring fucking story! He's an idiot named Frank who believed his entire adult life that one day he'd get a Green Lantern power ring. But it never happens. I mean, it almost happens, of course! Because that makes his super boring story more tragic and less boring (although it's still quite boring and possibly even more boring than that)! His story is so boring that it even steals a big heaping helping of Guy Gardner's life story! I mean, kind of, in that he was almost chosen to be a Green Lantern and then had to swallow the bitter resentment and anger that somebody else got the job. I didn't mean that he finally got a ring and then got fucked in a Power Battery accident that left him brain damaged and in a coma for years.

Speaking of Guy Gardner's brain damage, how dare people hate Guy Gardner for his attitude! He can't help it! He's suffered severe brain trauma! Shame on all the Guy Gardner haters! SHAME!

Anyway, this nobody nothing boring piece of shit, Frank, attracts the attention of Volthoom for some reason. I mean, why would Volthoom notice somebody as desperate and boring as Frank? The guy has been a nothing his entire life! A nobody! The whole point of the first eighteen pages is to let the reader know how boring Frank is! And also to remind the reader that Frank is the guy going after the Phantom Ring. Every few pages, I kept thinking, "What's going on? Who is this guy?" And then the next page would be all, "This is Frank! He's totally boring! But boy howdy does he want a Green Lantern ring!" Then I'd read a few more pages and think, "Wait. What's going on?" And so it goes until the end when Volthoom appears and tells Frank about a power ring that doesn't have to choose you!

Wait. Who is Volthoom talking to?

Green Lanterns #8

I want to punch these children in the face.

The Ranking!
-1! Two major problems in this story ruined it for me completely! First, Jess and Si seem to be able to communicate with each other through the Narration Boxes. That's fucking annoying. Plus they're talking directly to the reader through the Narration Boxes which is double fucking annoying. That's still part of the first problem though. The second problem is that the jerk kids riding their bikes around on Halloween who laugh at the rookie Green Lanterns don't throw their rotten eggs at Si and Jess. What the hell?! Instead they change their opinion on them! They're cheering for them at the end of the comic book! They're calling them badass just because they captured two guys who, for all the kids knew, were just idiots in Dominator costumes. What kind of troublemaker misses a chance to wing a rotten egg at a Green Lantern?! Those kids were the worst.

No wait! I've changed my mind! Not about the kids but about how many problems this story had! Another problem was the way it ended. On the final page, it's revealed that a guy with an AK-47 is driving to Dearborn, Michigan, to get his hands on the Phantom Ring. Who is this guy? How does he know about the Phantom Ring? I suspect those two questions are supposed to encourage the reader to pick up the next issue. But you know what would really encourage me to pick up the next issue if I were a casual reader? Reveal the identity of the person coming after the ring! I have to assume that the person's identity is boring and lame or else why wouldn't they reveal it? Just think how exciting it would be to know Deathstork were coming after the ring? Or Stillbirth?! Remember Stillbirth?! No wait! His name was Deadborn! Holy shit? Wouldn't that be great if Deadborn were coming for the ring?!

Dammit! Now I'm excited about the next issue even though Sam Humphries did the thing I hate most where a writer chooses to hide a fact to get people interested when writers really should be revealing facts to keep people interested! But then, I'm just going to be disappointed because why would any writer bring back Deadborn? I bet comic books written by Rob Liefeld aren't even allowed to be discussed in DC's offices.

Please, please, please be Deadborn! The guy in this comic book has the same gun that Deadborn had! I mean, I know it's a common assault rifle to use but it's possible, right?!

Green Lanterns #5

Can DC Comics please retire Atrocitus already?

The Review!
I'm not a fan of this comic book. It's all idea and no substance. The idea is to have two rookie Green Lanterns learn to overcome their flaws so they can save the world. Also they're quite different but they're also quite alike! And by learning to work together and lean on each other, they'll have the strength to be greater together than they ever could be alone! It would be nice though, being a comic book, if the pictures and words would work together. Maybe that's on purpose! The art and writing are like Jess and Si! They need to learn to integrate so that they can protect the world from unholy monsters like me! Now if I could just convince myself that that was the plan, maybe I could be happy about this series.

The Commentary!
Do comic book writers ever consider why they're bringing a specific villain into the series or are they just ticking the boxes on their run of a certain title? "I've got Aquaman so, of course, I'm going to need a Black Manta story. Just have him come int to try to kill Aquaman because, well, he hates him! Then maybe I'll do a Trouble is Brewing in Atlantis story about how people are disgruntled with a land dweller ruling them! I think I can drag that out about six issues because that's how long I'm supposed to make each story for corporate reasons that have nothing to do with the writing process. Then maybe I can bring back Ocean Master because his confidence will be up in the wake of the Atlantis trouble and because he hates Aquaman. After that, maybe there will be some conflict between the land and the sea because they mistrust each other. After that, I should probably do some environmental stuff because the king of the ocean needs to keep reminding people not to throw garbage in the ocean. Then if nobody is really paying attention because this is just another typical run of Aquaman, maybe I can sneak in my erotic story of forbidden love between Garth and a dolphin." That makes it feel like I'm picking on Dan Abnett when I'm really just picking on most writers in general. Aquaman is actually doing fine right now! But Green Lanterns? I don't know, man! I just don't know! Why are Atrocitus and the Red Lanterns the villains? Is it because we need to see Simon is angry at how he's been mistreated for being a Muslim American? Or how Jessica is angry because she never wanted to leave her apartment and now look: she's in space! Or did Sam Humphries just decide this was a good place to discuss how angry the entire world is?

I would like to point out that if you don't watch the news and you avoid Twitter and comment sections online, you would have no idea there was any anger in the world at all! Oh, you also probably shouldn't read my comic book reviews because I hate comic books so much! The only time I realize there are angry, impotent, frightened people in the world is when I destroy them in Call of Duty and they have to send me a message telling me how they don't approve of my style of play or my guessed at sexuality! I guess I'm not supposed to kill them over and over again? Or suck cocks?

If you're tired of reading comic books that make you do all the work, might I recommend Green Lanterns?

It does all the thinking for you!

Simon and Jess can even manage to talk to each other in their Narration Boxes while giving the readers a quick personality study. Simon is the tough car loving man-dude with a chip on his shoulder! Jessica is the anxious one who is also totally cute and into Pokémon but against Oxford commas! I'm not sure but I think Sam Humphries would have a difficult time tightening up their codified gender roles.

The Green Lanterns are trying to shut down Atrocitus's Hell Well but now Atrocitus is trying to shut them down. He's brought his crew of Red Lanterns to help out. Jessica, who mentioned how Simon has to face the prejudice of the world on a daily basis, proves that she's one of those assholes he has to deal with.

Yeesh! I'd hate to hear how she describes the rest of the Green Lantern Corps! She's not going to be welcome at the Annual Picnic on Mogo. Also, Zilius Zox should be dead. See Red Lanterns Annual #1.

Si and Jess decide that they should "just do it" which means punch things until they're all punched out. When that's the extent of the conflict, I feel like just taking a nap with the help of a bottle of aspirin and a bottle of sake. This is the level of comic book writing that is held as top notch? Why do people dream about working for one of the big two when this is the bullshit they think is entertaining? You know what the problem is! Well, I know but I swore I'd stop ranting about it because it's all I rant about. But I think I have a new take on it, so maybe I can rant a little bit in this paragraph! The problem is all of these first person Narration Boxes! Because now an big fist fight without any plans or twists or interesting aspects can be the big exciting action sequence because during the fist fight, the writer shoves in a bunch of Narration Boxes so that it seems like some thought is going into the battle. The protagonist can think, "My opponent is too strong to just go toe to toe with! So I've got to use my brains!" But the visual will simply be fists thrown back and forth. The fights have no personality anymore because all the work is going into the thoughts of the hero. And the thoughts don't need to have anything to do with the battle. As long as Jess says things like, "I've got to overcome my anxiety and learn to stand up as a Green Lantern!", readers are fooled into believing Jess is overcoming her anxiety! Why else would she say it if it isn't true?!

I'm probably getting ahead of myself. Just because Jess and Si's Narration Boxing moved straightaway to a double splash page action shot, it doesn't mean the fight won't be choreographed in an interesting way. It doesn't mean Jess or Si will think up a clever way to defeat the Red Lanterns. I don't know for sure that this fight will be no better than a couple of drunks beating each other down over a perceived slight.

During the battle, Dex-Starr is given the Rage Seed to plant at the bottom of the Hell Well.

It's the most adorable evil scheme I've ever seen!

I can easily turn around on this series if Sam would just write more scenes with Dex-Starr! I'm not that down on the book! I get what Sam is doing with the two halves of the whole character arc of Simon and Jessica. I just wish he would do it more how I want him to do it and less how he wants to do it! Am I supposed to be some kind of unbiased critic who can't mention the flaws simply because the flaws and what I don't like overlap?! Please! I'm just as human as the next person as long as the next person is often called an unemotional robot by the people who know her.

Oh! Guess what happens after the adorable Dex-Starr scene? Simon and Jess continue to throw punches while the Narration Boxes do all of the work! Although I'm not sure what kind of work they're trying to do. I think they're trying to do the same kind of work that the Grifter Narration Boxes were doing way back when.

You mean it's not in the top ten things people would associate with them? Because I'm pretty sure that's wrong!

If we were to do word association and you were to say "Red Lantern", I'd be all, "Anger! Rage! Vomit! Red! Lanterns!" But then if you said "Fourth of July," I would never in a million years answer with "Lemonade!" Is it a regional thing?

Jessica continues to spray green light at the Red Lanterns in images that mean nothing. How is the fight going? Is she winning? Losing? Who knows because, as I guessed earlier, the punching doesn't matter. It's all about her Narration Boxing. Instead of showing how she doubts herself and how she overcomes that in the fight, the reader is just told that she's feeling anxious and that she doubts her ability. But while she thinks that, she continues to blast Red Lanterns as well as any Green Lantern who can't make a gigantic green boxing glove (which is none of them, by the way).

Simon gets his page as well where he thinks about how he overcame nearly getting his brother-in-law killed which means he can overcome this brawl. But then he also has to take a moment to have some Emerald Sight which is possibly even worse than the incessant Narration Boxing. Now he gets to see a glimpse of the future which means nothing. He sees the Justice League being angry and Atrocitus saying, "Red Dawn is coming." Who the fuck cares?! Why is this a thing? Is this like the local news teasing a story to keep you interested? Is this Sam Humphries thinking, "I know my story isn't good enough to keep people reading. But if they only knew I planned to bring in the Justice League, there's no way they can drop the book, right?!"

No. I can mention a Green Lantern making a boxing glove because I'm expressing my disdain at how the battle isn't even on that low of a level. As the author, you cannot go there because it's lazy.

Jessica's anxiety and fear take over and she runs and hides and thinks over and over again, "I can't do this!" No, you can't. Give the ring to somebody else because at this point, it makes no sense that you were given one. There's only one rule and that's the ability to overcome great fear. You have the great fear so fucking overcome it already! I suppose I can give you one more issue to overcome it but if this becomes a regular part of the series, I will...well, I don't know. Roll my eyes more?

I just remembered! The last issue had Atrocitus telling Simon and Jess that he would let the one that kills the other one live. But there's been no acknowledgment of that ending at all! I guess I'm just supposed to assume that he was speaking figuratively or that that speech was code for his Red Lanterns to attack?

The issue ends with Jessica curled up into a fetal position because she's representing for the terminally anxious. And Simon Baz has just got his ass kicked because he's representing for those who constantly get their asses kicked. I wish this issue were one page longer so the Red Lanterns could have just finished them off and saved me $2.99 next month.

Green Lanterns #4

Once again, this comic book has way too many artists working on it. The cover says seven but the credits page lists eleven. I'm not an expert but I think that indicates a problem.

The Review!
This comic book isn't as bad as I'll make it seem in the following commentary. But I've declared I will never again complain about the thing that I complain about in the following commentary. I'm practicing not complaining about it right now! I'm using Green Lantern levels of will not to talk about it! It's not even that big a deal, really. It's just a little pet peeve I have that apparently nobody else has which is why comic books are so Goddamned fucking terrible now! I mean, um, it's not a problem at all! No big deal! It's not even like it's something new! People do it all the time and have for decades! It can even be used to good affect when done well and by a writer I have declared an oath of undying fealty for. But Sam Humphries has yet to impress me in a way that would keep his use of those things I don't complain about anymore from bothering me at all.

The Commentary!
I didn't hate this comic book when it began. I didn't even hate it three issues later when Simon Baz and Jessica Cruz kept speaking directly to the reader. I didn't want to hate a person I've never met before and who will likely never have any effect on my life ever. I didn't want to but here I am. I hate Sam Humphries. He broke me and this is the Narration Box that did it:

"Hello, Simon! I'm Tess, the meanest comic book critic ever!"

It was cute last issue when Jess thought, "OMG I am the worst Green Lantern." It was cute because she thought it just moments after Bleez threw her through an office building. It is not cute this issue when Simon Baz thinks the same thing. Not just because Sam Humphries already used this line since I can kind of understand how he's using it on purpose to compare the two new recruits and their ultimate lack of self-confidence in their ability to do this job. They both offer up a strong facade but are terribly concerned that they will fail Earth. What pisses me off about this moment is that goddamned fucking "Hello!" Who the fuck does he think he is? Larry of Larry, Daryl, and Daryl? Lenny and/or Squiggy? Some character who says "Hello!" when coming on scene but whom young people would recognize?! Hell, he's not even one of those characters because at least those characters were saying "Hello!" to other fucking characters. They didn't look at the camera and acknowledge the audience and wave and wink.

I don't know what to fucking do. This kind of shit has become such a standard trope in comic books that nobody cares or notices. Hell, I think the majority of people like this stupid shit. But then the majority of people are assholes and morons who think they're way smarter than they really are. They want heroes to tell them everything inside the hero's stupid head. Stories in third person which remain outside of the character's mind are just way too ambiguous. And how would a comic book like this work without being privy to all of Jess's and Si's thoughts, right?! We have to see how they think so we can compare and contrast their styles and attitudes! No way we could have any opinion on the two of them without knowing every thought in their stupid fucking heads. I mean, look at The X-Files? It didn't do that and it was complete and utter shit, right?

Of course it wasn't, asshole. That was the point. Now get the fuck off of my lawn while I read this rest of this comic book I already know will be garbage because I'm only on page one and it's put me in a terribly foul mood.

Maybe I'm a Red Lantern!

Simon and Jessica plunge into the Hell Tower which is actually the opposite of a tower. Maybe Atrocitus thought The Hell Well was too cutesy. Jessica has been infected with the Rage so she isn't working with Simon. Usually that wouldn't be a big deal because one Green Lantern is as good as two Green Lanterns, right? But remember how Hal Jordan insured that there would be easy tension and drama by forcing Si and Jess to share a battery? Remember how they could only recharge their rings together? Yeah, remember that caveat and conundrum? Well, guess what? You get a Mini-Grandmaster Comic Book Reader Ribbon if you guessed Simon's ring is running out of juice! Oh, Green Lantern comic book! You never fail to make me think, "What am I doing with my fucking life?"

Simon only has 2.2% charge left in his ring which is ridiculous because I'm constantly being reminded that the Green Lantern ring is the greatest weapon in the entire universe. And yet the stupid thing is constantly low on charge when it's most needed. I guess Simon is going to have to destroy the Hell Well with his pistol.

Meanwhile in Dearborn, Michigan, Simon's relatives are bickering because there's a Bohemian Guardian of the Universe in the pantry. He reveals he's as nutty as the other Bohemian Guardians even though he's of a different variety. I don't know where Kyle's Bohemian Guardians wound up. This Guardian finally reveals the name of the ring he brought with him: The Phantom Ring! It sounds so mysterious! And probably not real. This guy is kind of crazy. But he also knows a secret about why Earth suddenly needed two new Green Lanterns when they already had five or six times more than any other planet in the entire universe. But all of that stuff probably won't be revealed until The Hell Well is destroyed.

Simon's ring didn't have enough energy to do a med scan of Jessica or to find a nearby lost teddy bear. But it does have enough energy to do that impossible healing thing Simon Baz does! I'm totally enthusiastically smiling and excited about this revelation! Really I am!

How many more stupid pages is this stupid comic book that's stupid?

Jessica begins to feel less angry and decides to quit. Good! If you quit then Simon has to quit because he can't use the battery without you and then I never have to read this comic book again! If there's even the slightest possibility I might read another Narration Box where a character says hello directly to me, it's worth shutting down this entire series.

Stop it! Stop trying to talk her out of it! Let her quit! Put me out of my misery!

See? These two don't have the confidence that they want everybody to believe they have. Not that I had to put any thought into this comic book to reach that conclusion. All the thinking was done for me! Narration Boxes are the equivalent of those rails that keep the kiddie cars on the tracks at places like Disneyland. They're the bumpers in bumper bowling. They're the cliff notes published in the margins of the book the notes are for. They're the red hot pokers and bamboo slivers jammed under my fingernails. And they're so ubiquitous that I'm bored ranting about them. I'll never fucking mention them again because it seems like all I write about lately. I wish something that mattered would make my blood boil the way these shitty Narration Boxes do!

Jess and Si patch up their differences, recharge their rings, and climb out of The Hell Well. Waiting for them at the top of the well are Atrocitus and his Red Lanterns. Surprisingly, they don't immediately kill Simon and Jessica. Instead, Atrocitus tells them he'll let one of them live. That one will be the one who kills the other Green Lantern. Nice try, Atrocitus! But they just got the whole good guys battling each other thing out of their system this issue. Next issue is way too soon for another physical confrontation between the two Green Lanterns! I mean, I know Si and Jess are going to wind up fighting each other many times across this series. But they can't do it every single issue!

One of the Red Lanterns with Atrocitus is Zilius Zox. How come nobody remember he died in Red Lanterns Annual #1?! This isn't the first time he's been back after dying which probably explains why he's still around. Because somebody else fucked up and brought him back and now nobody realizes he was killed. Oh well. This is Rebirth, after all! It's as good a time as any to declare Zilius Zox's death was exaggerated.

Green Lanterns #3

Congratulations! It only took you three issues to pull the oldest fucking trick in the book and have the heroes fight each other, Sam Humphries!

The Commentary!
I haven't read the comic book so my caption for the cover could be wrong. I know better than to trust the covers of comic books. They lie worse than my sister in Junior High¹. But in this case, I'm going to assume the cover isn't lying because Simon and Jessica are up against the Red Lanterns and they like to make people angry. So Jess and Si are probably going to be influenced by the Red Rage which will amplify all of their feelings of annoyance at the other and they'll wind up battling. Jessica will probably lose because she can't make light constructs and she doesn't have a gun.

I'm trying really, really hard not to rant about how much I ha...oh fuck it. Here I go!

Why the fuck do comic book writers insist on writing narration as if the main character is speaking directly to the reader? I bet you anything every one of these fucking writers who use this crutch think Catcher in the Rye is a fantastic novel. Well it isn't! It's terrible and awful and utter crap and only people who have never realized that they don't have to do everything everybody ever fucking told them to do would find Catcher in the Rye in any way inspiring or thought provoking! But I didn't begin this rant to shit all over J.D. Salinger (no matter how much J.D. deserves to be shat upon!)! I am completely pulled out of the story when the comic book characters decide to speak directly to me. Especially with the goddamned cutesy bullshit fuck garbage like "(Don't worry. I didn't do it.)" on this page! I'm not a fan of any Narration Boxes but I can at least stomach the ones where that mimic the old fashioned thought bubbles. I can understand bringing out the thoughts the character is having in the moment. But this fucking tripe that sounds like an actor giving the DVD Commentary on every scene? It makes my fucking dick ache. Sam Humphries owes me for anti-dick-ache medication!

Now that I'm done ranting for the moment, what is up with that list of names on the cover? Holy fuck, how many people does it take to create a mediocre comic book?! Apparently, at the last minute, some of these artists were told they were responsible for pages they were never prepared to draw!

This is proof of my previous statement! I fucking can draw cats better than this! And I stopped hiding proportion mistakes by hiding the ankles and feet behind other objects in 9th grade art thanks to Mr. Sanchez!

The last page of the first issue made it look like Atrocitus was fucking the Earth and after the revelations in this panel, I see why! He really is fucking the Earth with the Hell Tower² to plant his Rage Seed in Mother Earth's Core³. And I guess nine months later, Deathstork will deliver a rage baby who will destroy the Earth.

Atrocitus commands Bleez to stop the Green Lanterns before they can interrupt his sexing up of Mother Earth. He tells Bleez she is the best but really he just likes watching her fly away from him. Because she wears a thong and her butt is exposed! Plus the only other Red Lantern he brought with him to Earth is Dex-Starr and Dex-Starr is fucking useless. All a Green Lantern has to do is shine a green light on the wall and Dex flips the fuck out for ten minutes before totally losing his mind, flying from the room, and finding a quiet place to lick his ass for the rest of the evening.

Simon and Jessica arrive in St. Louis to battle Bleez but decide to bicker first.

How the fuck does the artist, inker, colorist, and editor have no idea about the comic book they're working on? Simon Baz's gun is real, you idiots!

Bleez arrives to show Jessica how to make simple constructs with her red ring. She learned that trick from Rankorr! Maybe Jessica will learn from watching Bleez. If Jess didn't die when Bleez attacked because she's currently trapped under some rubble.

After Simon is thrown against a building with his teddy bear, Jessica climbs out of the rubble to take her turn. But first she has to remind all of the readers that she suffers from crippling anxiety. She has to mention it in a Narration Box because you'd never guess from the way she acts in the comic books. Jess also gets thrown into a building because she's terrible at Green Lanterning. I suppose it was Volthoom doing all the work previously.

This made me chuckle. This is an acceptable Narration Box.

Simon begins to be taken over by the rage so I guess he and Jessica will fight it out soon. I bet Jessica gets the upper hand so that Simon has to grudgingly give her his respect.

Meanwhile in Dearborn, Michigan, the Bohemian Guardian has arrived to reveal what's in the box⁴. I hope it's the fabled Magenta Ring! But he'll only reveal it to the Green Lantern of Earth, so I guess the revelation of the box's contents will have to wait another issue or two since Si and Jess are busy.

Simon Baz resists the rage deep in his heart and instead decides to do that healing thing he did once before. That thing that no other Green Lantern has ever managed to do! That thing that set Simon apart from every other Earth Lantern ever created! That thing that I thought everybody completely forgot about when everybody forgot about Simon! Simon Baz decides to heal Bleez! And it works! She's transformed back into her pre-Red Lantern self! She even has her original wings! But she also retains all the memories of the horrible shit she did as a Red Lantern, which I guess is just too much for her.

Where did her little head wings go?!

Simon convinces Bleez not to kill herself and to maybe go out for pizza later. But first she tells him all about Atrocitus's Hell Tower² and how it needs to be destroyed. That's when Jessica returns and doesn't notice that Bleez looks different and that Simon has an erection.

Jessica's attack causes Bleez to return to Red Lantern status. Or maybe Simon's healing efforts simply wore off. Or maybe something really dirty happened that involves lady parts and lady fingers and little lady deaths! It's hard to tell for sure because I've already convinced myself that Bleez rubbed one out while Jessica was thinking up hilarious battle quips.

After returning to Red Lantern status, Bleez flees from the battle to hide from the Green Lanterns and from Atrocitus because she gave away his plan. So I guess no pizza then?

Simon and Jessica head back to the Hell Tower² to destroy it. But once they get there, Jessica is infected by the rage and attacks Simon. So the cover wasn't a lie! It was actually a spoiler for the last page! The battle won't take place until next issue!

The Review!
Okay, okay! Aside from the initial Narration Boxes that really just work as introductions to the story so far (but--I still maintain--do not work as a logical narrative device!), I enjoyed this comic book. A good portion of the Narration Boxes used later work as thought bubbles, so they didn't completely bug the shit out of me. And I really appreciated that Simon Baz's healing power has been brought back into the story. With so many Earth Green Lanterns, they all really need a little something that sets them apart. Hal is the fly by the seat of his pants test pilot leader! John Stewart is the architect of always having to sacrifice somebody! Simon Baz is the uplifting healer! Kyle Rayner is the guy who can think up really cool light constructs! Jessica Cruz is the Green Lantern that was evil and is now anxious! And Guy Gardner is the Green Lantern with a huge cock! See? They're all special in their own way! I just hope the Red Lanterns fuck off after this initial story and Sam Humphries imagines up some of his own cosmic conflicts rather than using Geoff Johns' fucking scraps. Except for Dex-Starr! Maybe Simon can heal Dex-Starr and get him a Green Lantern ring! Or a Blue Lantern ring! Who wouldn't want a cat sidekick that gives the heroes hope? I'm all in for that plot twist! _________________________________________________
¹She lied a lot!
²Atrocitus's nickname for his penis.
³The core is the geographically correct name for the Earth's womb.
⁴You probably already made your own Se7en joke so fuck if I'm going to look like a hack and repeat it.

Green Lanterns #2

Bleez always looks like she forgot to put on the skirt before leaving the house.

The Review!
It's the buddy cop Green Lantern mash-up you've all been waiting for! One is a street wise misogynistic rookie! The other is an agoraphobic Islamaphobe who's an even rookier rookie! Together, they're Green Lanterns! Green both because they're rookies and because they're in that Corps whose power is based on willpower! The characters might not actually be as misogynistic and Islamaphobic as I'm pretending they are. Since the basic concept of the comic book revolves around neither one liking the other too much and how they're constantly criticizing the other in their inner monologues, I feel it's more exciting to spice up the mistrust they feel for each other. Plus neither one of them is a white guy, so I think if I write conversations where they criticize each other in ignorant ways, it's punching parallel! Which is okay, right? Or is it still wrong because I'm writing it? What if I scream that it's parody and satire and other stuff that used to be okay but now gets people angry for different reasons!? I think I get a free pass about knowing right from wrong because according to all the Youthsplanations I receive every day, I'm always wrong about everything (except my mistrust of the cops! That just keeps getting proven time and time again! Although I don't want to turn a daily tragedy into about me being right yet again! At least I do but I want to acknowledge that I didn't mean to do that but still do it anyway!) I'm even going to be told I'm wrong by an old white guy when I read Green Arrow next!

The Commentary!
This issue begins on the planet Ysmault which is identified as the "home of the Red Lanterns" instead of explaining which sector it is located. It's Sector 2814, by the way. Don't believe the incorrect information being passed around by Issue #1! I'm not sure why the comic begins on Ysmault since Red Lanterns was cancelled. And I'm fairly confident that "Green" is not a synonym for "Red" so I'm confused. I guess DC Comics just doesn't know how to let the Red Lanterns go. What makes them so special? The Indigo Lanterns have pretty much vanished and all but one of the Blue Lanterns have been killed by bugs and/or Twat Lobo. The only Orange Lantern has been relegated to jokey comic books and the Star Sapphires are pretending to have Tupper Ware parties but they're really having sex with hot space guys behind the Guardians' backs.

I'd hate to sit on a subway next to Atrocitus.

Back in Pima County, Arizona, Sector 2814, Atrocitus's Hell Tower begins erupting. Simon Baz and Jessica Cruz aren't around to help because they weren't Green Lantern enough for ARGUS. ARGUS must have forgotten their Secret Police Tape to close off the crime scene because dozens of citizens are standing around the Hell Tower when it erupts. Now dozens of citizens, along with the ARGUS agents, are really mad for no reason at all! Unless the Hell Tower is the reason. And maybe their dead family members.

Up in Portland, Oregon, a lot of douches are thinking they're cool, especially the one that lives in the apartment beneath me. I wonder how many people reading this are from Portland, living beneath somebody else, and are now wondering if that's Tess up there? Also happening in a Lexmart in Portland, Jessica Cruz is introducing herself to the readers and having a nice little About Me chat with them. It doesn't make any sense. Does she know she's in a comic book and that I just turned the page to see her for the first time this month? I would think she would be too concerned with all of the angry shoppers that were attacking her for no reason at all. Really no reason this time! She's not in the Hell Tower or Dead Family Members Aisle.

Jessica's sister has become the Angriest Shopper in the World and Jess doesn't know how to help her. Oh yeah, Jessica also mentions her anxiety so that readers suffering from anxiety can be all, "Cool! Representation! Except for that part about how she totally hasn't been crippled by her anxiety at all in her Justice League adventures! Probably because Volthoom was controlling her! Also, what did she mean by her sister made her leave her apartment even though she was crippled by anxiety? Fuck saving that cunt! How dare she!?" It's about at the time I thought "Should I include the word 'cunt' in my imaginary reader's thoughts?" when Simon Baz comes crashing through the wall of a store in a Light Construct Humvee to save the day!

When Jess sees Si, she thinks, "Look at how violently he just entered the store? Religion of peace, my big brown ass!" And Simon Baz is thinking:

"Religion of pieces, more like! SMASH! BANG! BOOM!"

Apparently Sam Humphries thematic element tying this series together is explained in this moment as Simon arrives. I said "apparently" when I probably should have said "undoubtedly and without question" because Jess thinks, "I might be all anxiety, but he's all impulse. Somewhere in the middle is where a Green Lantern should be." So that's why they were forced to share a Lantern! Because they're representative of two halves of one mind. So it's like The X-Files but less subtle or interesting!

Not that I'm totally disinterested in this comic book but it is doing a few things I could do without. How about more funny light constructs and less interior monologues about the differences between Si and Jess? Or maybe more interior dialogues between the two but make them more hate-filled and racist! I don't mean because I enjoy those things! I just mean because I would think it was funny if they were both ignorant assholes who eventually learn to not be ignorant because of interacting with each other and space travel! They'll still be assholes though.

Who the fuck is Simon talking to? I hate these kinds of fucking Narration Boxes! HE SHOULD NOT BE AWARE OF ME WATCHING HIM!

Jessica has been having trouble making light constructs because of her anxiety or something. She's so full of self-doubt that she can't even make a butterfly net to catch her sister. A butterfly net is like Green Lanterning 101! It's like the elephant lamp that you pull the trunk and the light comes on of Green Lantern Shop Class! But she's too scared of hurting her sister so impulsive Simon Baz has to swing into action and help out. He puts Sara Cruz in suspended animation that should keep her safe while he and Jess fly into space to fight Red Lanterns. On his way out of the Lexmart, he steals a stuffed animal and crashes through the roof. I want to complain about how irresponsible he is for a peacemaker in a position of authority but how can I when he's at least not killing the people he's supposed to protect. I just can't get angry at a space cop stealing a teddy bear when actual cops are stealing lives.

Simon and Jessica realize the Red Lanterns are invading Earth with their hate. They don't have time to stop them this issue even though Aquaman took care of his first problem in only two issues. Although Black Manta was freed before getting to prison, so once he's done feeling like he wasted his life trying to kill Aquaman, he'll get right back up on that Aquaman killing hobbyhorse, I'm sure. Hopefully next issue begins with Simon and Jessica charging their rings so that they don't wind up in the usual shitty Green Lantern cliffhanger where the ring is running out of power. Although Simon still has the gun strapped to his thigh, so he can at least find out if bullets can kill Atrocitus. I bet they work against the cat!

Green Lanterns #1

What's up with Earth Lanterns always wearing the ring on the middle finger? I mean, I know why Guy does it. But why everybody else?

The Review!
Using the power of my new Emerald Sight, I can see that I am not going to like this comic book terribly much. It's on the first issue and it's already relying on visions of the future and prophecies to advance the plot. The plot also seems to be revolving around the idea that the two new Green Lanterns are full of rage. That sucks. Because I can see how Humphries is going to go down the path of Simon Baz being angry at the government and other people constantly believing he's a terrorist because he's Muslim and I don't want to see that part of Simon Baz explored. You know when Simon Baz's character really shines? When he's reaching out to other people and trying to get them to dig out the motes from their own eyes. He was the one who stood up for B'dg and called him a Green Lantern when everybody else was calling him a squirrel because he knows what it's like to be judged and misrepresented. He's the one that had some kind of super healing power never seen before by other Green Lanterns because of his compassion. But I guess we'll focus on his anger now because that's good drama. Plus the Red Lanterns have this whole Red Dawn thing happening which must be cool because it's FUCKING RED DAWN, BABY!

The Commentary!
This issue begins with Simon Baz and Jessica Cruz bickering over who gets to investigate an unauthorized alien on Earth. How does an alien become authorized to visit Earth? Why would they have to get the authorization of the Green Lantern Corps? This is why nobody in the universe likes the Green Lantern Corps. Because they've decided that everybody needs to follow their rules. Who decided they should be the lawmakers, the peacekeepers, and the judges? I would question the goodwill of any organization that thought the punch-first, never-ask-questions-later Hal Jordan would make a good peace officer.

Simon and Jessica rush off to do whatever their rings say because they're sheep. They're Green Sheep. I would probably spend a few hours discussing the issue with the ring which is probably why I wouldn't be drafted by a Green Lantern ring. That's also why America stopped drafting kids. Because they decided they would rather work with people who wanted to soldiers rather than have to deal with all that rabble who would rather take LSD and listen to The Doors. I would probably be taking LSD and listening to The Doors while the ring told me to investigate unauthorized aliens. Although I would only be listening to The Doors because I would be tripping too hard to change the current song playing on iTunes.

Simon still carries the gun on his hip which makes sense. I mean it makes sense for a Green Lantern to carry a backup weapon since the Greatest Weapon In The Universe fails constantly. I didn't mean it made sense that a Muslim would carry a handgun around. Although if one of the Green Lanterns has to wield a gun, I'd trust Simon Baz would be most responsible with it. Maybe John Stewart, seeing as how Cullen Bunn couldn't remind us enough that he was a marine. I suppose I'd trust that John would know how to use it but do I really trust that he'd know when not to?

Instead of investigating the situation like rational heroes intent on keeping Earth safe, they storm the building where the alien seems to be unauthorized, rings blazing. Their battle cry is "Beware our power!" Is that the philosophical path Sam Humphries is going to go down in this comic book? I don't enough has been said in literature about how power corrupts and how people abuse power and how power power powers power power.

Okay, so they made the right call. This time!

Since this guy seems to think he's a member of the Red Lantern Corps, the blue girl must be Bleeze. Too bad he didn't mention the blue cat because I want to see the blue cat more often in this comic book. If I were writing it, Dex-Starr would find love with one of the human Green Lanterns and lose his rage. Then he'd get a Violet Ring. Or, being a cat, maybe he'd get an Orange Ring. Although if he's going to hang out with his new best friends, I imagine he'd need a Blue or Green Ring.

Green Lanterns seems to be taking a page out of the Batman Loves Superman comic books where we get to hear their internal monologues as they work with each other and compare them to the things they're actually saying to their partner. So when Simon Baz knocks out the bad guy with a light construct car battery(?), Jessica is all, "Good job!" But her thoughts are all, "You violent Muslim!" And Simon is all, "Thanks! I'm all pumped now!" But his thoughts are, "Stupid woman is totally keeping the violence to a minimum with her girl feelings!"

The Lanterns find the Unauthorized Alien gutted and hanging from the wall. That's when their rings are all, "New Alert! Code Number Why Am I Even Saying It Since You Guys Don't Know These Stupid Codes! I guess I'll just say what the code means instead! Unlawful execution!" Wow, ring! Way to state the thing that Jess and Si already know! I mean, unless somebody else is being killed behind them!

The Lanterns find the basement full of corpses and decide that maybe they should call in the police because Green Lanterns don't do fucking paper work.

I don't know why this cop is so desperate to get some different Green Lanterns on the scene. The crime scene is just a bunch of corpses! I guess she wants a Green Lantern that does paper work.

The scene immediately fills up not just with emergency personnel and cops but families of the possible corpses as well. I guess nobody has anything better to do in Pima County, Arizona. But it's just this kind of crowd that the Red Lanterns were hoping for! Their anger at what's happened to their family members sets off a rage bomb in the shed! Luckily nobody dies because the Green Lanterns protect them. But I guess protecting these people was the wrong thing to do because the lead cop suddenly reveals that she's from ARGUS and she loves fucking paper work! She tries to send the Green Lanterns on their way after blaming them for the catastrophe. Fuck me. No! Why am I saying fuck me?! Fuck Sam Humphries for pulling this drama shortcut bullshit where the good guys get blamed for what the bad guys did!

Meanwhile on Ysmault...

I don't know if I'm more annoyed by Atrocitus's stumpy legs or the narration box telling my Ysmault is in the wrong sector.

So the Red Lanterns are dying for some reason and Atrocitus believes that they are needed to keep the universe from spinning out of control and being too content. You can't have a universe where people don't get angry when bad things happen! Hell, right here on Earth, people get angry at everything! They especially like to get angry and have venomous opinions over things that wind up being untrue, or things that are entirely fictional and don't matter in the slightest. But I guess that's why Bleez has built the Hell Tower on Earth so that it might give birth to the Rage Seed! I don't know what any of that means but it's definitely ominous! Plus the plan has a dangerous sounding moniker: Red Dawn!

Later, Simon Baz learns that he has the ability to experience "Emerald Sight". Is that a pun I don't get? A reference I don't understand? Is it a thing because it rhymes with Emerald Twilight or Blackest Knight? Is it now a thing because "no evil shall escape my emerald sight"? One thing I do know because Sam Humphries proved it earlier with ARGUS turning on the Green Lanterns for no reason is that this is another shitty writer's shortcut. Now Simon Baz gets to react to visions of the future! It's so much easier to motivate a character with visions of the future than by any other imaginative means at a writer's disposal. So now Simon Baz has had a vision of the Bohemian Guardian with the Magenta Ring, his own death, his brother-in-law turning into a Red Lantern, and an angry Cheshire Cat. And not only does foresight make for an easy way to get the character's moving in a forward direction, it's also an easy way to increase the tension in the readers! Because, oh my goodness, Simon Baz is lying in a puddle of his own blood! He's in no danger right now but that vision means he's going to be in mortal danger at some point! I'm so excited to keep reading!

But wait! Sam isn't done with the short cuts yet! As Simon freaks out over his new Emerald Sight and Jessica gets mobbed by angry shoppers, Atrocitus has his own vision! "When [the Lanterns] come face to face with their own rage, one Lantern will serve, the other will fall! And Earth will succumb to the power of Red Dawn!" Dun dun DUN!

I should also add that the last page is seriously disturbing.

Is Atrocitus fucking the Earth? And can Simon and Jessica feel it?

Green Lanterns Rebirth #1

The pseudo-monocle makes Jessica feel classy.

The Review!
The new Green Lanterns book is going to be all about teamwork! But not good teamwork! Oh no! This is more like your homophobic uncle in a three legged race with your campy brother-in-law! It's going to be full of fireworks between the good guys! That's the kind of exciting drama that really sells comic books. Who wants to read about heroes getting along? Fuck that nonsense! Imagine heroes striving for a peaceful world while actually being kind and peaceful to their peers? Ludicrous! Although since Simon and Jessica are, presumably, heterosexual and of opposite sexes, there might actually be a Moonlighting vibe being set up in this book. Will they or won't they? Ooh! I'm all in a quiver from the tense hate-love soon to be bred between these too! Nothing more romantic than a good hate-fuck! I hope they have racist sex talk while fucking! "Bomb my vagina, you terrorist!" "Tend to my garden, you...wait. You are Portuguese, right?"

The Commentary!
I was just thinking, "Earth doesn't have enough of a disproportionate amount of Green Lanterns in the universe!" So thank goodness for this book! I suppose Earth deserves more Green Lanterns than other planets because the creatures of other planets tend to be homogenized. Earth has people of different sexes and religions and cultures and races and intelligence levels and fashion senses and sexualities! It's as if every other planet in the DC Universe has been modeled incorrectly! Why is Earth so different?! Occasionally you'll have a planet elsewhere in the DC Universe that has two warring factions but that's about it. Or if the planet has many different types of humanoids, it's usually because they're all off-planet visitors and most of them are thugs and/or assassins. But while making Lobo a Green Lantern pretty much represents Czarnia (I mean, the females were practically just like the males anyway, if I'm going to judge by Sheba (who only made one brief appearance in the New 52 but it was enough for me to judge her as simply the female Lobo!)), Earth can have a white jock Lantern and a white dick Lantern and a black architect (who is also a marine!) Lantern and a white comic book artist lantern and a Muslim gun-toting Lantern and a Hispanic female Lantern, and Earth still needs more representation in its Lanterns! Fucking Earth. What a pain in the ass. I won't be happy until there's an Australian Aboriginal Lantern. Who better to manipulate the Light Energy than a master of the Dreamtime?

This issue begins with a Red Lantern cataloging the different human Lanterns like I just did! I should have just read the first page before starting my commentary because then I could have simply replaced that first paragraph with a scan! My guess is the Red Lantern narrating the book is Bleez because I think I read in some advertisement or back-up feature that Bleez was going to cause trouble in the Green Lanterns' world. I would rather it be Dex-Starr since Dex is also from Earth. Dex deserves to be in this book as much as any other Earth Lantern!

Currently, one of the last remaining Guardians--probably one of the Bohemian ones since Sinestro killed the mainstream ones--is being chased through space by a bunch of Dominators. He carries a box with a new ring inside of it! I wonder what color this one will be. Will it be the fabled Magenta Ring of my imagination?! The one destined to be worn by a tween girl into ponies and roleplaying?! Oh! Maps should get to wear it! I don't know if she's into ponies but I can let that part of the prophecy go if Maps suddenly wore the most powerful weapon in all of creation, the Magenta Ring!

The Guardian is headed to Earth with his new ring that, according to its display of power, has a whole new symbol! Probably the Magenta symbol. Hopefully the secret will be revealed before this comic book ends. I have my doubts because Geoff Johns is the co-writer. So it might take anywhere from five to ten years to discover what this is all about. Then again, Johns isn't writing the regular Green Lanterns book, so he might want to make sure the secret gets revealed this issue so he can take credit for how amazing it is.

Jessica Cruz and Simon Baz have yet to meet but since they're the main characters of this comic book, it's time to change that.

Has Simon even spent enough time around Guy to feel this way about him? He's been relegated to the background's background since the day after he first made his debut.

I think Simon Baz suffered from the Comic Book News Cycle. That's when everybody explodes in a flurry of opinions over the report of what a comic book will be up to in three months only to have the actual event greeted by silence and yawns. So DC announced they were going to have a Muslim Green Lantern months before he appeared, everybody had their little insignificant Internet reactions, and then months later he appeared and everybody had already moved on to the next thing they could accuse DC of mismanaging.

The crashed ship the Green Lanterns are investigating houses a Manhunter! Oh no! Did you know that no man escapes the Manhunters?! I hope Jessica Cruz doesn't use that tired fucking thing where she'll be all, "But I'm no man!" As if we don't all understand what the Manhunter means by the all-encompassing term of "man". Stop winning major battles due to semantics, women!

Of course the Manhunter attacks! Why do you think it's called a Manhunter? I mean, I guess Martian Manhunter has the same name and he doesn't go around attacking men (and women!) willy nilly.

Why does that deserve a warning? The Green Lanterns get power boosts from Blue Lanterns all the time and everything is hunky-dory!

Hal Jordan appears to deactivate the Manhunter after it sort of beats Baz and Cruz. Hal sent it as a surprise training operation. What a dick! Also, I guess Hal is a Green Lantern again and not a renegade. I'm sure I'll eventually read the book that straightened that out. Maybe the end of Oblivion? Or whichever Rebirth book is about Hal Jordan. Or maybe I just have to accept it as part of the new normal.

Hal Jordan doesn't like how Simon and Jessica bicker. I don't either! How dare Simon judge Guy Gardner and then act exactly like him, demanding seniority and declaring himself the main Green Lantern of Earth! Hal Jordan merges their Power Batteries so that they have to recharge their rings together. I don't know if that's just asking for future trouble or it's super kinky.

Being rookies, Simon and Jessica need training. But since the Corps is still missing and Sinestro is still causing problems for Hal, the two new Lanterns will need some help from the Justice League.

How come Wonder Woman has to be turned away from the reader's gaze? Oh wait! I know why! Because Ed Benes is drawing this and he saw a good ass opportunity!

The Narrator is Atrocitus who has plans for Earth, something called Red Dawn. There's always some stupid prophecy with a stupid name ready to rear its ugly head in the world of the Green Lanterns, especially when Geoff Johns is writing. Dex-Starr makes a cameo at the end but the Guardian's secret new ring of power is never unveiled. Of course it isn't! Don't expect to know what that's about for at least another year!

Lost Army #4

I know John Stewart farted in your face last cover, Kilowog. But belching in Guy's face isn't going to improve the situation.

I remember being truly terrified of three things when I was a kid. The worst was the Sleestaks in Land of the Lost. Although it was less about the Sleestaks and more about the tension created whenever the Marshalls would go into the Sleestak caves. Many episodes when they went into the cave, the Sleestaks wouldn't even appear. Those days were the worst. Remember that feeling you had after seeing The Blair Witch Project? You felt nauseated and tense and gross and blamed it on the motion of the handheld camera? Well, I knew walking out of that theater exactly why that movie made people feel so bad. Because I'd experienced it before in my youth. It's the nausea of withheld catharsis. Being scared by the appearance of the Sleestaks was far better than having that tense knot in my stomach never released when the Marshalls got off easy. Blair Witch did the same thing but in longer form. You spent all movie waiting to jump at something scary and it never came. It was the movie going equivalent of being blue balled. The other two things that terrified me as a kid were the opening credits to "Tales From the Darkside" and the theme song to Doctor Who.

That wasn't a joke. That theme song creeped the fuck out of me. I remember thinking, "Why is this scary show airing in the middle of the afternoon?!" At least I knew I would only spy "Tales From the Darkside" if I stayed up too late. But that Doctor Who theme haunted me! It was probably years later that I found out it was a science fiction show. And I'd probably even watched some of it having turned the station to find it on, never knowing it was attached to that theme song that just provoked some visceral flight or fight response in my young system.

Anyway, Arisia was dying or some shit at the end of last issue. Good riddance! Nobody needs to be reminded that Hal Jordan was once a pedophile! And the best way to forget that shit is to disappear the victim! I mean, technically I guess the best way to take care of it is to put Hal in a Sciencell. I just scanned the DC Wiki on "Sciencell" to see if I should capitalize it or not. It seems I should. So was Sciencell the guy who created the Oan prison? I always just assumed it was a retarded...oh wait, sorry for the R-slur! Let me check my friend's daughter's Facebook to see the word I have to use instead...Oh! Okay, let me start over. I always just assumed it was a ridiculous merger of "science" and "cell." Oh hey! Ridiculous actually works well to replace retarded! That's crazy! Uh, I mean, that's unbelievable! Hmm. That one doesn't work as well to express my exact intent. So ridiculous. Wink, wink!

I'm so going to fucking ruin the word ridiculous that it's ridiculous. Wink, wink. You know what I mean when I say ridiculous, right? Stop being so ridiculous! Just like I now say "barn owl" and no barn owls complain about my god-awful language!

Oh yeah! Shit! Sorry, Arisia. I just left you gasping for breath for way too long due to that ridiculous digression.

Once again, the Green Lanterns are caught in a tense battle against the Light Pirates. I know it's tense because of the constant reminders that their rings' power level keeps falling. Everywhere I look on every page I see "50%" then "40%" then "30%". I know that's bad because the numbers keep getting smaller! When they get to zero, the Green Lanterns will lose! Will they be able to beat back their enemies before a "0%" appears on the page?!

I wish the Green Lanterns would battle enemies instead of constantly battling the amount of charge left in their rings.

Relic and Krona have also been attacked in Relic's ship. They're draining Relic's ship's shields just as fast as they're draining the charge on the Green Lanterns' rings! That means Relic and Krona have to escape before they die. And since neither of them give a shit about the Green Lanterns, they abandon them. And then all of the Green Lanterns lose power and die.

Since the Green Lanterns are now dead, I guess it's time for a John Stewart Military Flashback! It's time to learn how taking part in militaristic imperialist expansionism made John Stewart the man he is today! Or the man he was yesterday since he's dead now.

John's memory was about that time in battle when the one guy said to go on without him and John was all, "No way, buddy! We're all going to make it or else none of us will!" And then the guy who wanted to abandon the hurt guy gets killed because fuck that prick for wanting to leave a man behind. He totally deserved to die. But John surrenders after seeing his fellow marine shot in the throat because fuck getting shot in the throat, man! He surrenders in that way that Americans never surrender and is captured. No wonder he just died in space! The lesson he learned was to quit! Quitter!

Apparently John didn't die in space. He wakes up in a generic brand Sciencell alongside Salaak and some other alien prisoners.

Just like an American. He expects everybody else--even aliens!--to learn English.

Nemux (one of the new recruits) is killed in a demonstration of how the Light Pirates will be murdering all of the other Lanterns and Lightsmiths. 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 speaks in binary as she mourns the death of her friend which is completely fucking stupid. Her race is good at math! They aren't machines! But what do I know? I'm just a fucking English Major! Arisia is all, "I know you can't understand me, Two-Six, but let me ask you a question after immediately pointing out how you can't understand me." Then B'dg is all, "I look like a chipmunk so of course I speak a language that sounds like an Earth chipmunk! This whole comic book is fucking racist bullshit man!" B'dg is acting excitedly because he's found a poorly concealed panel in the wall of the cell.

B'dg is saying, "Fuck you, assholes! I'm outta here!"

Somebody must have lost a nut behind the wall for B'dg to have found the panel. Oh man. I shouldn't have said that. I should have learned the lesson Simon Baz tried to teach everybody about how B'dg is a Green Lantern and not a giant anthropomorphic chipmunk! I should at least respect him as an individual since this comic book isn't going to. His language sounds like squeaks and chirps. So fucking derogatory, man. Just...just so wrong!

Meanwhile Guy Gardner is stuck on his ridiculous (wink, wink) argument about John ruining everything because he's lying to Relic. Hey Guy? If you haven't noticed, Relic isn't here anymore. This universe is long dead according to the matter that makes up your body which is just recycled matter from this universe. How about you just treat this universe as the leftovers it is and try to get back to your universe no matter the cost. If what you do somehow causes this universe to die, don't worry about it. Time being what it is, that's probably how the universe died before. You just didn't realize it because you hadn't reached that loop of time from your perspective. Just realize nothing you do at this point matters in the grand scheme of things because whatever happened here in Relic's universe already happened. Just fucking go with it. Unless, of course, you're just making your stupid arguments and complaining your dumbass complaints for added drama. Then carry on.

Don't be so stupid, Guy! Remember how Relic's light draining the universe theory was just a hypothesis without any actual proof? And remember how John lied about being from the future which was dying due to too much light being used? Remember how Relic took that as proof of his hypothesis? That's the only reason he believes his theory without any actual evidence! It's all bunk!

Stewart and Salaak sit around trying to count how many Lanterns have been captured. And that's when they're rescued! Um, kind of?

I'm fairly certain "Chrr-chrr-crk-squeak-chrk-chrk!" means "I am not a fucking squirrel, you racist piece of shit!"

Stewart makes a grand speech that only Salaak can understand. The other Lightsmiths probably think he's just ranting about how uncomfortable the cells were before they were infested with vermin. Salaak translates B'dg's glorious language and points out that B'dg knows where all the weapons are being kept. So he'll go fetch them and then everybody will break out of prison with a bunch of rings that have already been completely drained and, even if they weren't, would get completely drained again almost immediately by their captors' light-stealing technology. I can't wait to see how quickly the percentages fall next issue! Such drama! Such tension! Although it's no Marshalls in the Sleestak Cave drama.

Lost Army #4 Rating: -1 Ranking. If I were interested in watching people fight with the power draining out of their devices or people sitting around having inane conversation in a bleak landscape, I'd hang out in Starbucks all day. Somebody think up a new device to make the Lanterns interesting please. Until then, I'm changing the name of this comic book to Loser Army.