Bombshells #2

That dolphin slave has murder in her eyes.

Time once again for me to turn a comic book about empowered women into a Male Gaze Wankathon! I'm already inappropriately turned on by the way the bar on the chariot is coyly covering up Mera and Diana's lady packages. This comic book is such a tease!

The issue begins with Wonder Woman taking care of Steve Trevor in Amazon Prison. That sounds like a cable reality television show that I would watch for about five minutes each week before falling asleep. Wonder Woman seems to innately understand that Steve Trevor has something super exciting and mysterious in his pants and she's going to solve that mystery. She might even solve it two or three times. Her fellow Amazons, the ones not made out of clay who already know about penises, are worried that once Diana discovers the clumsy, inefficient love making styles of a man, she'll never again engage them in games of Tongue Twister or Clitoris Tag. That seems pretty far-fetched though, right? What would a man have to offer Wonder Woman that her sisters and Hephaestus's Gal Pals Mail Order Catalog can't already provide? The proof that ones sexuality isn't a choice is that women continue to want to have sex with men even after being disappointed by most of them.

I just broke all over my underwear.

Wonder Woman! Stop being so inappropriately sexy while tending to Steve Trevor's wounds! It's not professional to rub your boobs on his shoulder as you spout sexual innuendo after sexual innuendo! It's also possible (probable even!) that I'm sexualizing a scene that isn't supposed to be sexy at all. Although, for once, I don't think that's the case! That panel above is some sexy shit!

As a society, we've just settled on "impotence," right?

Steve Trevor tells Diana all about how dangerous the Nazis are so that maybe the Amazons will join the effort to stop the most dangerous man to ever exist! Aside from Jesus Christ, of course. Jesus Christ was like Obi Wan Kenobi. He was struck down and rose up more powerful than the Romans could ever imagine. It's a good thing Jesus Christ was apparently on the side of white people! I mean, he was apparently on the side of all people if you ask the missionaries who convince all of the non-white people to worship Jesus Christ no matter the cost to their history and culture. Um, anyway, Steve Trevor tells her all about the horrible things the Nazis are up to although he leaves out the Nazi War Wheel for some reason. I would have totally led with the War Wheel!

What is it about DC's stance against showing the swastika?! I mean the S-symbol!

How is DC Comics going to tell World War II stories against the Nazis while never once showing a full S-symbol?! What is this pussyfooting stance against acknowledging the existence of the Nazi's brand?! I guess erasing history is better than repeating it or something. I forget.

Hippolyta is too smart to fall for the "I don't want to do it to your daughter; I'm just here to ask for help against a power hungry madman" routine. She orders her women to execute Steve Trevor at dawn. That'll teach him to point his penis at her daughter's vagina. Diana isn't in an eighties movie, so she doesn't run from the rooming screaming, "You don't understand! You never understand!" Instead, she takes a walk on the beach so that she can encounter Mera.

Mera and Diana flirt a bit and decide to run away together. But first Diana convinces Mera to break Steve Trevor out of Amazon Jail because she finds his penis intriguing. Mera has never seen a land-man's penis, so she's eager to help. Diana also breaks into the throne room to steal her bracers, lasso, and tiara. But she doesn't have to steal them. They are given to her freely so that she may go out into the world and do whatever it is she's supposed to do. Kiss Mera on the mouth, I think. And that's the end of Wonder Woman's story for now.

The second story is about Kara Starikov and Kortni Stargirlikov. They were going to become Night Witches and fly warplanes for the Russians. But Lady Night Witch didn't like that Kara displayed super powers and has decided she needs to learn what a gulag is. I think it's like an oubliette except less comfortable. Kara has no intention of learning anything new and refuses. But Lady Night Witch is really good at debating.

I would rebut this argument with frost breath.

Kara is hauled off to the gulag because she forgot about her thirty second rebuttal time. She's brought before General Anton Arkayn who I don't trust for some inexplicable reason. It must be my intuition that makes me realize he's a horrible person. He asks for a demonstration of her powers and she paints a mural of her and her sister in super person get-ups. Anton clasps his hands together and kicks up a foot backwards, cooing like a pigeon. "Da! Da!" he shouts because he probably has daddy issues like everybody else in DC Comics. And so Supergirl and Stargirl become Soviet superheroes.

The next story is full of S-symbols which makes me happy! I mean, because the portrayal of Nazi Germany is more fully realized with the S-symbols everywhere, even if a bunch of them are backwards. I think that happens because of the way flags are made or something. This story begins with a bunch of Germans singing and while I'm not very good at German, the Non-Certified Spouse is fluent in German, so that probably makes me qualified to translate it into English.

"Love, love! Can you not hear the people shitting?" "In a room lying under the sea with our king and his tears!" "Love, love! Our berets! We go in dungeons, blue eyes make our light!"

The Nazis are heading to the Kabarett where The Joker's Daughter greets them and takes their tickets for the main act. That act is a burlesque magic show by Zatanna. I hope it's more burlesque than magic.

Too much magic. Not enough vagina.

I guess I'm supposed to be rooting for the Nazis in this story since the Bombshells are Nazis and the Bombshells are the stars of this comic book. Stupid John Constantine is trying to ruin the Nazi's plans! Zatanna turns him into an adorable bunny and then refuses to give the bunny to the Nazis. That probably means she's working against the Nazis and I can feel less guilty about supporting her cause. I don't have to support The Joker's Daughter because her teeth are disgusting and rotting which means she's not a Bombshell at all. Also she threatens to expose Zatanna as Jewish which is totally wrong somehow. And that's the end of the last story!

DC Comics Bombshells #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. Another delightful romp into the past with sexy women all over the pages. More comic books should be like this one with empowered women saving the world while wearing super sexy outfits! It's like getting to keep your cake and fuck it too. Although the Russian uniforms in the Supergirl story could do with a bit of trimming around the midsection and the cleavage areas. How come more guys aren't supporting feminist comic books like this?! Are they not into getting boners? No wait! I think I'm getting the wrong message from this comic book. Um, it's all about women doing, um, things that prove feminism and stuff. It's totally liberating! It shows that women can be, um, in control of their own, um, things and, um...oh! Hey! Look! It's Constantine as a bunny rabbit!

Whew! That was close.