Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #1

This stoic looking fellow looks more like Hal Jordan than that giddy motherfucker on the cover of the Rebirth issue.

The Commentary!
Hal Jordan was sitting around the exploded planet of Oa one day and thought, "Wait a second. Didn't this use to be a non-exploded planet? What the hell happened?!" So he raced off to find out what happened and just missed Sinestro pull up in his Warworld RV. That wasn't even the best part! The best part was when Lyssa came out in her everything-but-crotchless uniform, unrolled the awning, set up the lawn chairs, started a fire, and said, "Horseshoes or my pussy?" And Sinestro was all, "Horseshoes! Definitely horseshoes! Unless...wait! I have an idea! Let me go put some Parallax in my pants and see if anything moves!" Then Lyssa got out her tattered James Michener novel, sat in a lawn chair and sighed. Having read the Book of Parallax, she already knew Sinestro was too old to get it up. She also read the ending of her book in the Book of Parallax so she tossed it in the fire. But as she did, she realized she never actually finished the book and thus the ending she read in the Book of Parallax couldn't have been the ending of the book! "More like Book of Paradox!" she cleverly retorted. She saw Sinestro standing off in the distance beating at his crotch with a huge yellow dragon and sighed again. "Wish it was the Book of Pair of Cocks!"

But Hal Jordan missed all of that because he was off trying to find the Green Lantern Corps for some reason! I guess because he thinks of himself as a leader so he needs people to lead. Plus he had a brand new cool Green Lantern ring that he made all by himself and he desperately wanted to rub it in Guy Gardner's smug face.

Joween, Joween, Joween, Joween!

Hal Jordan has come to the planet Joween because, I assume, somebody stole somebody's man. Although is that really theft when the man has a will of his own? I mean, if my sexy lamp decided it wanted to light up somebody else's life, should I blame that somebody else or should I blame my sexy lamp?

I was pretty close with the guess about a man being missing! Except it's a lot of men that have gone missing. And women! And other entities gendered in a way that I can't comprehend being that they're aliens and probably have all sorts of different kinds of genitals that I wouldn't understand. I barely understand the genitals we have here on Earth!

While Hal beats up on leads to get more leads to beat up on so that he might eventually find his lost Corps, Sinestro stands on the balcony of his Recreational Vehicle waiting for the Parallax Viagra to kick in.

He's talking about sex with Lyssa. I think.

Somehow and somewhere, in some title I was apparently not reading, the Sinestro Corps have taken charge of the entire universe. I guess when Earth embraced the Sinestro Corps after it saved them from the Pope of Autism, it was representative of the Sinestro Corps being accepted by the entire universe. That's understandable because the Earth is really all that matters in the DC Universe. They're also the most stubborn, so if they can accept the Sinestro Corps as their saviors, why shouldn't the rest of the universe?

Sinestro's plan, now that the universe is in order, is to make everybody in the universe fear stepping out of line. That seems like reasonable. It's the only reason I don't go out and burn cars every night. I fear what would happen if somebody else decided to go out and burn cars every night! And while logically I know that my not burning cars is not preventing other people from burning cars, it still feels that by not burning cars myself, I'm somehow holding other people to the same terms. Think about that! That tacit agreement to not go around destroying everybody else's shit is the only thing holding civilization together! It's not the cops or the government or a religious moral code. It's just this vague hope that everybody else just toes the line along with you! It's why old people find teenagers so scary! Because they know teenagers care more about fun than getting along! Also because teenagers don't usually own their own property so what do they care if a bunch of cars burn? Oh man. I'm starting to fear teenagers!

Did I mention how Parallax looks like he's just an metaphor for Sinestro's manhood? Okay, I was pretty sure I'd mentioned it somewhere before. But, being Rebirth, I should point it out again. Parallax is just Sinestro's junk manifested into fear.

The scene shifts back to Joween where Green Lantern learns that the other Green Lanterns just disappeared into thin air a few months ago. I'm sure when he finds them, it'll be like the final scene on the beach in Goonies. "It was terrible! We were just going about our business when suddenly a pitch meeting of a half-assed idea caught us up in its gravity!" "I was minding my own business when suddenly I was being written by a hack in another universe!" "The octopus was the scariest part!"

While he's interviewing the brigands, Hal has an attack of Willpower. Or Fear. Or Diarrhea. That's the brown spectrum. Ba da dump!

Lyssa has to stand this way because the front of her outfit is Teen Plus Rated.

Soranik is surprised to see her father come around the corner looking forty years younger with a massive erection. Lyssa is all, "Daddy is feeling better! Which means Mommy will be soon!" No, seriously. She actually said that! That wasn't me paraphrasing! Those were the actual words she used! Oh, except for the Mommy line. I did add that. But the Daddy line was all hers!

Sinestro goes on and on about Sinestro's might which I guess I'd expect from somebody who thought they'd never get it up again. The members of the Sinestro Corps cheer his raging hard-on as he tells them about his renewed strength and power. But the only way to keep strength and power, he warns, is to use it! That's when Lyssa floods her shoes and collapses in a huge orgasm.

Venditti must be thanking all the gods of writing that Trump is happening right now. Allegory!

Soranik isn't happy about this turn of events because she was led to believe that she was going to be leader. Sinestro was supposed to die and she was supposed to use fear to instill order! I don't know how she would have done it any different though. Maybe the way I mentioned earlier. Just a low level fear jolt spread across all the residents of the universe so that they're too timid to cause trouble. That's different than what Sinestro plans to do only by degree, of course!

I really have a hard time remembering the name of any Sinestro Corps members whose outfits don't reach down to just under the top of their vagina so I'll just describe them. Triple Scoop Face and Skull in Jelly have arrived at Joween (Joween! Joween JOWEEEEEEEEEN!) to instill some fear. They don't realize that the fear tables are going to be turned against them when Hal Jordan steps out of the shadows and sprays his green spew all over them. The Yellow Lanterns are all, "*BBRRRRRRPPPPP*" and "*SQQQUUUIIIISSSSHHHLLLLEEEEZZ*", respectively, as they shit themselves.

Elsewhere in the universe, the Green Lantern Corps finally escape the shitty Lost Army bullshit they were shit shittily into. Normally I wouldn't point out that I feel any emotion at all because I almost certainly don't but I did smile at the double page spread of their arrival. I guess sometimes double page splashes are effective!

The Review!
Is this all it took for me to finally get back on board the Green Lantern Express as it barrels down the tracks to smash into the universe which Sinestro has maniacally tied to the tracks while twirling Lyssa's pubic mustache? I'm not good with analogies. Or metaphors. Or whatever that was I just attempeted. How about I just say I'm enjoying the DC Rebirth comic with the worst title, Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps? It shouldn't be any surprise though because I liked Venditti's Green Lantern when Hal was all by himself. Robert gets Hal and I'm hoping he gets Guy and John and Kilowog too! Oh, and he also seems to get Sinestro! Because this is a Sinestro I can appreciate! I think I can appreciate him because he's the villain who thinks he's the hero who simply appreciates order at any cost and not just that he's not being written by Cullen Bunn. I mean, that's a plus, but I like to believe that I've got some unbiased critical thoughts!

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps Rebirth #1

This is the worst title to a comic book since The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men.

The Review!
DC was really worried Hal Jordan's fans wouldn't know which Green Lantern book he was in, weren't they? So they decided to call this book "Hey Hal Jordan fans! This is the Green Lantern comic book in which you can find Hal Jordan! Also starring the ridiculous Green Lantern Corps!" I'm glad whoever came up with this title didn't also come up with "Kyle Rayner and The Omega Men". Essentially, this issue, being a Rebirth issue, is just setting up the new status quo for Hal Jordan. He's back to being a regular old Green Lantern and ready to find the Green Lantern Corps and set up shop once more. But this time, he'll be the leader and he won't let any little blue guys fuck it all up. At least not until he realizes Ganthet is still out there and he'll let his guard down because it's Ganthet and then Ganthet will be all, "Hey, I've got a few friends coming by. Do you mind if they stay with me?" And before Hal Jordan can set out some spare towels, he'll be ankle deep in Guardians again. Also in this issue: Sinestro uses Parallax as his Space Viagra.

The Commentary!
Hal Jordan looks like he's in a production of Oklahoma! on the cover. Why is Hal so happy? Is Hal ever this happy? Maybe he just had the opportunity to punch a whole bunch of people in their stupid faces! Or maybe he's on Space MDMA!

The story begins with Sinestro setting up camp in Space Sector Zero. He's not one for roughing it so he brought his entire Warworld to the campsite. It's basically his RV since he now looks like an elderly person. Of course Lyssa still looks young and fit because DC knows better than to upset the buttered side of the bread. Hal Jordan fans don't have time to look at old women with shirts cut so low you can see their vagina cleavage. Lyssa attempts to give Sinestro a handjob but he rejects her advances. Didn't the Book of Parallax tell her that Sinestro would spurn her advances?! Maybe if she didn't attempt the act, the Book of Parallax revealed Sinestro would go off to pout about how Lyssa isn't attracted to him anymore and the universe would have gone on peacefully without any more interference from the Sinestro Corps. And who could have that?! It must be time for another Sinestro War!

Hal Jordan has hidden himself away on a dead planet in Space Sector 563. Hal is suffering from a side effect of the green lantern light that the Guardians of Oa didn't warn him about. That's no surprise because they reveal information on a need-to-know basis and, generally, nobody needs to know anything, ever. So now Hal is turning into a being of pure willpower and he's forgetting who he is. But through the power of willpower, he's going to remember his identity! Good thing he's turning into willpower since he needs as much as he can to not totally turn into it.

And totally had sex with the underage one! And possibly the one that looks like an onion, a jellyfish, and a pair of rolled up sweat socks had a disgusting baby.

The Guardians didn't warn Hal about the whole turning into willpower thing because they never expected he'd steal Krona's Gauntlet. That's just the kind of thinking that constantly gets the Guardians in trouble. They create a dangerous weapon but don't destroy it. I understand that compulsion. I would never destroy anything I ever created either because all of my babies are so precious to me, even the ones that could be used against me in a court of law. But then they hire a guy like Hal Jordan who is totally the kind of person who would steal Krona's Gauntlet. But they still don't warn Hal about its dangers because that would be admitting that they might be making some mistakes, or, at the very least, some serious errors in judgment. So instead, most of them decided to be killed by Sinestro so that everything they created would fall apart and they would never have to admit that just about every choice they ever made since Krona first looked at God masturbating the universe into existence was terrible.

On his dead planet hideaway, Hal Jordan begins forging something out of Green Lantern Light. Probably a new ring so he can ditch the stupid glove that is killing him. Or making him better. It's both the same thing because Hal Jordan not being Hal Jordan would be a total shame to Hal Jordan. That's understandable. Sometimes people say I should be nicer and I'm all, "But then I wouldn't be me! You're killing me! I hate you, mom!"

Back on Warworld, Sinestro reveals that he's using Parallax to power Warworld. I guess New Korugar was stabilized by the terraforming weapon of the Red Lanterns so Parallax was free to be enslaved elsewhere. I have some questions concerning Parallax! Why did Ron Marz choose that word as Hal Jordan's new name? Because it sounded cool? I bet he was listening to a lot of Roll the Bones at the time. Other than that, I can't be bothered to write a defense for choosing the name based on the definition of the word. What's even weirder is that an ancient creature born eons before any of the languages of Earth had come into existence had taken the name. I guess it's just one of those weird cosmic synchronicities that cause so many aliens from across the universe to have names with Latin roots. I also don't know why each color of the emotional spectrum needs to be represented by some cosmic light creature. What is their relationship with the spectrum itself? Does the Red Spectrum arise from The Butcher or does The Butcher arise from the Red Spectrum? Or are they simply one and the same, since comic book battles are more exciting when they're fought against monsters. If not for the creatures, Hal Jordan battling against the Red Spectrum would just be Hal swinging wildly at red light waves, I guess.

I think my real question is why did DC Comics allow Ron Marz to shit all over Hal Jordan way back in the early nineties? All of this insanity stems from that moment! I suppose some people would see that as a good thing since they couldn't get enough of Geoff Johns' dick during his Green Lantern Revival.

Hal Jordan finishes creating his own Green Lantern Ring. He explains that the Guardians said they were the only ones who could forge the rings and Hal pats himself on the back for finally proving them wrong. I don't think that's what has happened here at all! I think the Guardians were right! Which can mean only one thing: Hal Jordan is now a Guardian of the Universe!

Sinestro #23

"Let them use cock rings!" -- Famous French Clueless Royal Person Who Gave Out Free Cock Rings and Sparked a Revolution. Seriously. I would tell you to Wiki it but, I mean, someone probably accidentally deleted the entry or something. That's why I don't remember his name. He was an interesting figure because he thought no matter how little the people had, sexual pleasure could make up for most of life's disappointments. But he failed to take into account that most of the poor, unwashed masses he was tossing the cock rings to didn't have any sexual prospects. These losers were already really angry about how life was not only violent and hopeless but it was also withholding from them one of the few things even animals seemed to enjoy willy-nilly. Putting a cock ring in their hands just exacerbated the problem and it wasn't long before royalty, leaders, good looking guys, and fit women who said no were getting their dicks and vaginas chopped off in the public square. It was a time of great unrest although Fedora manufacturers and sellers made a killing.

The Review!
I should probably put this review behind a pay wall so that Cullen Bunn doesn't accidentally see it and get butt hurt over people having opinions! I can see why he would get upset about my reviews of his work though because my opinions are so close to facts as to be indistinguishable. Was that sentence okay? Did I need a "from them" at the end of it? Why do words and sentences have so many rules? No wonder Cullen Bunn has trouble writing! I wish my Writing Assistant and Editor and Run To The Shop To Buy Sandwiches Boy, Pickle Boy, were still around to fix my writing mistakes. But no! He's gone off to have a family and live a life and grow old and have enough money for a funeral and a grave. What a show off! So now I have to try to make fun of Cullen Bunn's ability to write with a poorly executed and hardly refined writing style! It makes me look like a fucking joke, Pickle Boy! How dare you leave me! Why did you leave me when I needed you the most?! I'm so hungry for a sandwich!

The Commentary!
This issue begins with Sinestro thinking about things that never existed before this moment because they didn't exist before this moment. But now Sinestro needs to make some kind of point about life or something, so now New Korugar is a really harsh place to live. Before now, the Korugarians just wandered around the rocks pissing on Sinestro's reputation. But now they're all running about wildly while a massive dust storm rages around them and the shelters they are not in. Sinestro calmly watches them from a cliff protected in a yellow bubble with his motivational plot device and vagina, Lyssa. Not once does he think, "I guess I don't really fucking care about my people, do I? Has relying on a woman who sees the future crippled my ability to have any insight into my own self? Am I incapable of admitting that I made a mistake seeking out the last of my people? Being angry and a victim seemed like such a good idea at the time but now I'm burdened with a responsibility I never wanted. I just wanted people to not only stop criticizing me but to also maybe praise me for my compassion! By the way, remember to look up 'compassion' in the dictionary to see if I'm doing it right." I suppose this all makes sense because Sinestro is a serious Type-A Personality Dickfuck and will always be a Type-A Personality Dickfuck. He thinks anything he does is the absolutely right thing that should have been done and anybody who disagrees with him is a dumb cunt with delusions of rationality.

Oh! Excuse me! I meant a "dumb barn owl with delusions of rationality." I forget that some people have problems with words but they don't mind if I replace that word with an innocuous word but still infuse it with all the same meaning of the original word. Mostly because not many people know that when I say "barn owl", I really mean "cunt". Most of the time. The other night while driving to one of the stores I clean at about eleven at night, a huge bird swooped down and landed in the opposite lane. I slowly passed by and it was a barn owl just calmly looking at me. You shouldn't read the barn owl in that anecdote as a secret code! I don't think.

Sinestro believes he is making his people strong by making them suffer. Remember that part where I mentioned he was a Type-A Personality Dickfuck? Yeah. Anyway, his people are going to really grow strong in adversity soon because the Red Lanterns are on their way to shit lava and vomit blood all over New Korugar. Oh! I think this story is an allegory about Cullen Bunn and his time at DC Comics!

Soranik takes a bunch of Yellow Lanterns whose names I've never cared to learn and meets a bunch of Red Lanterns whose names I've never cared to learn to fight in space so a bunch of Lanterns whose names I've never cared to learn die.

The fight doesn't last ten years because Geoff Johns isn't writing it. It only lasts a page or two because this is the last issue and Cullen Bunn needs to pack. Besides, the whole point of the fight is to get some terraforming thing that I didn't remember the Red Lanterns had so that Sinestro can prove that he finally looked up compassion in the dictionary.

Ugh! I like him better when he's the hero of his own delusional story and just a Type-A Personality Dickfuck in everybody else's.

The book ends with Lyssa telling Sinestro that she still sees the future that sucks hard. Sinestro is all, "Shucks! I brought order to the entire universe and nothing wrong is happening anywhere in it because of me and my greatness but now something is coming to destroy all of my hard work that didn't seem that hard when you think about it like maybe I didn't actually do what I like to think I did? Anyway, I guess I have to end my story for now with the most cliché ending where I hint at drama and tension and Armageddon to come just as the story ends with the word 'end' followed by a question mark. Get it?! It's like, 'Is the story really over?! Who knows?!'"

Sinestro #22

My guess is that by the end of Issue #23, Soranik will be completely corrupted by the power of the Yellow Ring and simply become a female Sinestro.

Review or Whatever!
This issue is called "BloodRed" (all one word!) because it stars Dex-Starr. Why did Group Editor Handsy McAssgrabber allow Cullen Bunn to write Dex-Starr after he tried to kill him the last time he appeared? Is he going to try to kill him once and for all before flouncing out of the DC offices for the final time? I don't trust this Bunn guy at all!

Dex-Starr isn't the only Red Lantern to appear in this story. There's also the sexy one, and the other one that I don't recognize, and another one that I don't know, and still another one whose name I've probably never heard. Their attack on a peaceful space science station might be terrifying and horrific but it began with their Red Lantern Oath which is just terrible. I'm going to assume that Geoff Johns wrote that because my research assistant and fact checker, Pickle Boy, has abandoned me. And judging by the Red Lantern Oath and that alone, Geoff Johns is the worst writer in the history of writing. Probably in the prehistory of writing as well! You know, the days of cave paintings and oral sex.

Maybe the Red Lantern Oath just doesn't translate into English very well. I bet it's truly bowel-loosening in its original language.

On New Korugar, Soranik bandages young Korugarian knees while Sinestro does the hard work of leadership behind the scenes. But he's still weak from...um...not having enough heart? I didn't realize a person could use a ring so much that they just die. Those rings should come with a warning label. Also, this comic book should come with a warning label. I think I've read too much of it because I'm beginning to feel sick and weak.

Dez Trevius investigates the site of the Red Lantern attack and is ambushed because his Yellow Ring is a worse researcher and fact checker than Pickle Boy was. Instead of immediately going, "Red Energy Signature Detected! Lots of signs of angry life!", it goes, "Der! Duh! Uhm! Something's near? Maybe you should check before I finish working out what the danger is." But they don't kill him. They need him to lead them back to New Korugar. I guess the Red Rings are even worse at research than everything else I mentioned that was bad at research! I bet if Bleez (she's the sexy one!) asked her ring, "Ring, find New Korugar!", it would be all, "ARRRGLE BLARG! BLLLLLAAAAARRRRRF! SMASH!" Which is why the Dez Trevius plan!

In the final issue, the Yellow Lanterns and the Red Lanterns are going to have a battle! Are we placing bets on whether or not Cullen Bunn was given the go-ahead to kill Sinestro?! I hope he was!

Sinestro #21

Someone bought this comic book because the cover looked exciting and now they're questioning every decision they've ever made.

Rating: It's Easter morning so I'm going to pretend I understand what it's like to have the compassion of Jesus and not lower the ranking of this comic book. Although, how compassionate was Jesus really? He fucking ruined the last supper he had with his closest friends by calling them out on future bad behavior. How fucked up is that? "Dudes, I've got some bad news. Some of the people sitting here are going to wind up being real huge dicks later." I wonder if Jesus had a whole list of really petty shit that was cut from the Bible in editing. "Judas is going to betray me. Peter will deny me. Mark will neglect his pet dog. Luke is going to write some fanfic about my birth. James is going to carve his and my initials inside a little heart on that tree over there. All the other ones are going to suddenly remember my thing about being fishers of men and not resorting to violence when they have the chance to save my life."

• Thankfully, this comic book is finished at Issue #23 and Cullen Bunn has no part in DC's Rebirth. Now if only Scott Lobdell would manage the same deal. How did Lobdell get handed the keys to Jason Todd and Roy Harper? Why does DC want to punish their fans so badly?

• Soranik is now leader of the Yellow Lanterns because Sinestro forgot how to recharge his ring.

• Everybody on Earth loves the Yellow Lanterns now. Which is totally believable because the people of the DC Youniverse are complete morons. They hate Superman who has never done anything to harm them but who could. They love Sinestro and the Yellow Lanterns because they've saved them this one time and all the other shit they've done to the Earth can be explained away by the Reboot. Maybe.

• This line is a good example of a hack writer.

• Does Cullen Bunn know what comic books are? He does know that pictures are added to his script, right?

• Lyssa has prophesied the fall of the Sinestro Corps not because she's a prophet but because Cullen Bunn is a hack. Prophecies create easy tension! They're lazy plot devices. It's why the television show Heroes was such a piece of shit, especially the second season. Because they relied on glimpses of the future to motivate the people of the present. It's a lazy way to cause conflict.

• Lyssa tells Sinestro that she knows the future and she knows a way for him to change the future to his liking. How about she just tell the reader everything she knows right now so the comic book can end here and now?

• Mongul returns to his senses and begins murdering Yellow Lanterns. Once again, power rings, the most powerful weapons in the universe, have no effect on an enemy when the plot calls for it.

• Mongul heads to Earth to hide because there are currently too many lanterns. Even though the yellow light just bounces off his face? What a coward.

I know how hope relates to fear: "I hope I don't die!"

• Cullen Bunn is allowed to write a small scene with Superman and Wonder Woman. It's a mistake. Instead of writing them in character, he simply makes them say things in service to Sinestro and the yellow lanterns. "Oh! Oh! I loved having a Yellow Ring! The power!" "I want to fuck Bekka!" "Me too!"

• Cullen Bunn also writes the people of Earth as sycophants pleading for the Yellow Lanterns to protect the Earth because Superman fucking sucks and Batman is a cop and Wonder Woman is being written by the Finches!

• Soranik appoints Arkillo as the Yellow Lantern of Sector 2814 (although, really, she's telling him to stay on Earth). She allows Saint Walker to be his sidekick.

They would just shrug and say, "Yeah, yeah. What super hero group doesn't cause the threats they save us from? Yawn!"

• The Sinestro Corps heads home to New Korugar to await the super special ending of this comic book. I don't actually know if it will have any kind of special ending. I just know it'll be awesome to read "The End."

Sinestro #20

Sinestro's costume needs fancier cuffs.

Rating: -1 Ranking.

Why is this even a comic book? It's just a first person monologue with lots of yellow ink splattered about.

The Fall
A Very Short Story by Cullen Bunn

Many mistakenly believe that I am without fear. They assume that if I control the emotion, I have conquered and abandoned it. It is a belief I have done little to discredit although nothing could be further from the truth. To instill fear, one must embrace it. One must walk amongst nightmares if one wishes to become a nightmare.

The Pale Bishop and his order have divested themselves of all emotion and, in so doing, they have been made strong. He seeks to burn my fear--my power--from my system to make me an empty servant to their order. And I am frightened. Frightened of losing myself...of feeling everything I've worked to attain slip through my fingers once again.

On Earth, the expanded ranks of the Sinestro Corps struggle to drive our enemies away. The Paling, though, are compelled by faith in emptiness. They will not be so easily turned. My lanterns--new and old--embrace their fear...follow it as surely as any believer follows their convictions, no matter what horrors are revealed to them.

I have felt the power of The Paling before...but not so intensely. My own emotions are amplified and turned against me. I revisit every terrible moment in my life simultaneously: the death of Arin Sur, the destruction of Korugar, my exile from the Green Lanterns. Every moment of weakness opening my mind for even greater horrors to come, mounting terror I know I could cast away if I only submit. Before, my resolve was bolstered by Parallax, the fear entity I had bound to my soul. Now, though, I am connected only to The Pale Bishop himself, a void, an abyss, an emptiness that could swallow me whole...or be explored.

Before I was a lantern, I was an archeologist [sic] and so I dig. I chase the last vestigial remnants of fear until I find something I can use. The Bishop--before he ascended to his position--when he stood among the Guardians of the Universe, when he looked upon the wellsprings of emotional energies and knew fear, I feel it right along with him. Terror that forced him to abandon the Guardians...to flee from their experimentation and to rid himself of all emotiong: of love, of anger, of hope, and of fear. Fear perhaps above all else. Fear that is with him still.

On Earth, my lanterns are unaware of the battle I fight. They are preoccupied with their own struggles. New lanterns conscripted into an effort to repel a global invasion. Veteran lanterns defending those they might have once tried to conquer. I wonder, though, if The Pale Vicars sense their master's moment of weakness. Does his fear flicker within them?

Like myself, The Bishop has fostered misinformation: the belief that he is without fear. But fear is what defines this being. Fear and all the other emotions it encompasses: love, hope, anger, compassion. All shadows of my domain of fear. I ignite these emotions within him and his defenses shatter.

The end!

See? It's all there! It's all fucking there! It's written out in a script that has no real need of the comic book attributes it wears like a feathered boa. Okay, I admit there's a bit more with Soranik and how she takes over as leader of the Sinestro Corps at the end because Sinestro "use up too much power" or something stupid. Get a fucking lantern and stick your ring in it, dum-dum!

There's also a part where all of the new recruit lanterns are being described with a quick phrase and the description of Harley is "crazy but cute." If I were going to just throw my cards down on the table and admit that I was a sexist pig, I'd have gone with "cuckoo but with a nice rack and a totally fuckable ass."

Sinestro #19

The actual cover was just a cash grab highlighting a bunch of fan favorite characters as they received yellow rings. Even Jason Todd made the cover even though he didn't get his two panels of fame.

Rating: -2 Ranking. I don't want to hurt Cullen Bunn's feelings so I won't begin trashing this comic book until after the break just in case his jerk friend sends this to him. Now Cullen knows not to read any further.

This is the break!

Garbage! Utter fucking trash! That's what this comic book will be in thousands of years along with everything else. But it's also not worth reading. It lacks imagination. I bet he did that on purpose though! So that the form of the comic book represents what will happen to the people of Earth if anti-emotion takes over! After reading this story, I realized I didn't feel anything!

But seriously. This story is the kind of mainstream superhero comic book story that's written just to fill the racks. An antagonist has some kind of power that's too powerful for the power of the antagonists! So the antagonists rally and get more power by getting more power! Usually it's done by finding some strength deep within them. This time it's done by Sinestro doing exactly what he did last issue. He released more Yellow Rings to more fan favorite heroes and villains. But then guess what? The antagonists rally! They get more power from their vague power reserves. I'm describing it in general terms because that's exactly how it's written. It's just raising numbers. Good guys are winning 2 to 1! Oh no! Now the bad guys through some means are winning 3 to 2! How will Sinestro turn the tide now?!

Sinestro turns the tide by releasing Saint Walker with a yellow ring stitched into his arm. Because in this world, fear isn't the antithesis of hope at all! No way! Hope combined with fear equals bravery! Or something. Actually, if he'd said that as opposed to hope gives a person the power to control fear rather than letting fear control them, I might have been a bit happier about it. But then I'm a better writer than Cullen Bunn, so I'm not too surprised!

Anyway, the advantage switches sides a few times until a Manhunter reports to Sinestro that they've found the Pale Bishop. And this story really needs to fucking end already or it'll be too long for the really boring trade paperback that will be published at a later date. So Sinestro happens to have an Indigo staff...I mean, an Indigo ring! So he's able to teleport to the Pale Bishop with only Soranik as backup even though he could have brought Harley Quinn along if he wanted to sell more copies of Issue #20. Idiot!

Sinestro #18

I thought Sinestro was more efficient than resorting to throwing yellow light cars into bad guys? I'm disappointed.

Ranking: No change. In this issue, Sinestro faces off against a foe who is practically immune to the yellow light. So his big plan is to recruit as many yellow lanterns as possible to irritate The Paling which will obviously lead to them making mistakes and being defeated. The plan sucks but it sucks even more than you might intially think it sucks! Because he only recruits 24 more Yellow Lanterns from Earth. He's lost that many already in the big space battle! But don't let that worry your pretty little fangender head because you won't be thinking numbers anyway when you see who the new recruits are! Here's a hint: it's Scarecrow, Deathstork, Harley Quinn, Wonder Woman, Superman, and 19 other people nobody cares about because I already mentioned Harley Quinn. The moral of the story is that you don't need a fucking story when you stick yellow lantern rings on the fingers of characters people love! Cha-ching!

Sinestro #17

Since when did Wile E. Coyote change professions from bird hitman to world conqueror?

Remember when Sinestro was a guy with a ring that could make yellow light constructions but he couldn't defeat a guy whose green light constructions couldn't protect him from anything yellow? It's totally fitting that he's sharing this cover with the world's most inept coyote. When I was an autistic little shit kid who stared off into space for 90% of the time when I wasn't a whirling dervish of fists and tears, it never occurred to me that Sinestro should be able to defeat Green Lantern in the space of fifteen seconds. I just thought Sinestro and Green Lantern were like knights with a code of chivalry that said they must attempt to defeat each other in the bounds of whatever theme they happened to agree upon. I think one of those times they actually chose green and yellow suits of armor with lances which was a contest--come on! Seriously!--Sinestro should have come out on top of. I just loved that they'd battle with baseball paraphernalia or construction equipment or Tennis racquets (or rackets if I weren't such a snob!). It excited me to see what they would come up with together for that episode's battle. It's not like Green Lantern ever decided to bring a giant yo-yo into battle while Sinestro fired yellow nuclear missiles at him. It was a gentleman's game and it made Sinestro seem far less incompetent than I'd soon realize he truly was as I got older and stopped whirling in frustration as much as I used to and decided to begin cultivating a horribly cynical outer shell to protect me from the vagaries of social conventions and the awkwardness of intimate human contact.

This issue begins with Sinestro writing an essay on Earth and how it's consumed by fear. In his view, the people of Earth are so embroiled in fear that this planet should have been called Fearth. Get it? Has that joke ever been made by Geoff Johns when he was writing the Sinestro War? Suck it, Geoff Johns! Unless he did make that observation and then I'm arrestedly developed man enough to say, "Kudos to you, goodsir!" Then I'd probably tip my fedora, pull in the edge of my cape, and bow with a flourish. "Kudos!"

Um, so Sinestro's essay points out that the people of Earth are fearful little muskrats full of fear and other emotions that are basically just synonyms for fear like terror and anxiety and all American conservative modes of thought. He's all, "Earth is a Kinder Surprise Egg with the most dangerous toy inside! In fact, there's not a toy inside it at all! It's a knife! A big fucking knife covered in fire ants and the handle is a naked woman who totally wants to do it! So scary!" And the Earthlings are all, "Ah! Everything is so scary! God, help me! I would call to science to help me but science is complicated and every time I ask my atheist friend 'How does science know that?', he always goes into a long-winded explanation of things that don't make any sense so he has to explain those things and...ugh! Just say something easy like 'God made it!' Now that I can understand!"

Sinestro's encounter with the Pale Bishop, the long dead leader of The Paling whom he tracked to Earth some mysterious way that was probably scary, has gotten him thinking about fear and Earth. He knows an awful lot about Earth for a guy from the planet Kellogg. I don't think that was the name of the planet he was from but I do remember it began with a "K" and it's destroyed now so who the fuck cares what it was called? The Pale Bishop has turned out to be a 30% Guardian of the Universe and 70% Mummy. So not only is he obsessed with making the universe safer by destroying all individuality and choice and emotion, he's also really fucking slow and brittle. This fight should last about the amount of time it takes Sinestro to find an open flame.

Wait a second! Is that Warworld hanging up in the sky? And...and...and it isn't causing mass panic of the already panic-stricken people of Fearth?!

If Warworld were that visible in the sky, I think it would be having some destructive gravitational effects on the planet and the moon of our planet which is so unimaginatively called "the moon." Holy fuck we are boring people! We couldn't even come up with Magic Floating Sky Rock?! I'm surprised we're not a bunch of Planetlings living on the planet Planet. I would go into the science of how gravity works but I wouldn't want to bore any religious people who might be reading this. Let's just say God has this shit under control and leave it at that, shall we?

No wait! I can't leave it at that! Last night I was listening to Ground Zero with your host Clyde "I'm a Stupid Piece of Fucking Shit" Lewis and he was talking about climate change. At the end of the show, some guy called up to remind Clyde that God promised not to destroy the Earth in a flood ever again. And he quoted Genesis 8:22 as proof that climate change is bullshit: "While the earth remaineth, seed-time and harvest, and cold and heat, and summer and winter, and day and night shall not cease." See, scientists? God promised that he won't cease all that shit so calm the fuck down, you idiots. God promised! The guy's second point was that Jesus was eventually going to come down and rule so why is everybody being so pessimistic? Jesus has got this, motherfuckers! Do whatever the fuck you want!

And that is why religion is dangerous! Because people believe that The Bible is useful in scientific discussions! Maybe instead of Fearth, this planet should have been called Dearth...Of Any Intelligence At All! Zing!

The Pale Bishop strikes Black Adam with Apathetic Lightning which makes Black Adam angry for some reason. I know when I suddenly don't care about something I forget all about it and it doesn't make me angry at all. I'm usually just, "What did I do with that ballot for the local election? Maybe I left it in Call of Duty multiplayer or inside this delicious carrot cake?"

Isn't the Pale Bishop asking Black Adam to be angry like Pope Urban II calling on Christians to invade the Middle East? You know what. Those aren't even really close to equitable. I just wanted to mention Pope Urban II because how cool is that Pope name? Urban. You know he fucked a lot of ladies. Maybe ladies should be in quotes? It was still the Catholic Church. Zing!

I don't know what Sinestro has against The Paling. It's not like his philosophy of "Fear is the answer and reason for everything and I can't read a book or watch a movie without making it all about fear because it's the only issue I care about!" I guess it's like how religious people look at my atheism not as a belief I have that doesn't have anything to fucking do with them but as a danger to their religion because my beliefs negate their beliefs which just sounds dangerous until you realize that I don't fucking care if somebody wants to believe in Grown-up Santa Claus who stuffs their stockings full of everlasting life. I guess The Paling is basically a bunch of militaristic atheists to Sinestro's dogmatic and well-established religion. I suppose, historically, Christians have a right to fear atheists due to what atheistic fascist dictators have done to them and other religious peoples. But then if we're talking historically, I think a lot of different groups have a lot of different arguments for why Christians should be feared as well. The most a Christian has to fear from me is maybe a cutting remark about their beliefs after which I'll scream "ZING!" right in their face as I dance around the room pumping my index fingers into the air.

And don't you Muslims think I'm against making cutting remarks against your religion either just because somebody might call me an Islamophobe! I've got some pretty good zingers for y'all too! Although I don't really think I have any zingers for Jews because they'd probably out do me and come up with a better zinger against themselves after which they'd probably dance around the room better than me too. I definitely wouldn't come at a Hindu because I've accepted many of their talismans and gods into my world. I do sometimes pray to Ganesha because if I'm going to act like a ridiculous fool, I might as well be speaking to a god who is also an elephant. Plus he totally removes all obstacles from your life if you simply ask him! Seriously, why is anybody praying to gods who are men when there are gods who are elephants out there?! So much more powerful!

At least somebody was worried about Warworld! Thank the goddess! Literally in this case!

Why is Wonder Woman protecting Earth's orbit? With Superman out of commission and Stormwatch having been forgotten and all the Green Lanterns in another universe, is she the last line of defense against invaders from space?! It just doesn't really seem like it should be her job. It would only be slightly weirder if Aquaman had shown up. Although I don't know why Aquaman didn't show up since Cullen Bunn is writing Aquaman and he loves to do crossovers of the characters he's writing.

The battle where Wonder Woman defeats the entire Sinestro Corps easily (and then tongue kisses Bekka because guys totally need to see women kiss on a fairly regular basis or else they become gay) will have to wait because the battle with the Pale Bishop is still happening on Earth. To help Black Adam shake off the power of apathy, Sinestro lends him a Yellow Ring. It's always exciting when a new character puts on a lantern ring, mostly to see how their costume changes. But this time it isn't too exciting because Black Adam already looks like a Yellow Lantern. The battle doesn't last long after Black Adam gets his ring because the Pale Bishop decides to move the story to another planet.

You should be quite confident having killed all of the other Guardians!

Sinestro points out that he can't follow the Pale Bishop because his ring doesn't have that capability. I mean, it probably does have that capability when it needs to have that capability depending on the story being told. But right now, it doesn't have that capability because Sinestro and Black Adam need to go to Warworld to encounter Wonder Woman so Sinestro says, "But Warworld has that capability!" Once back on Warworld, Sinestro explains to Wonder Woman in a respectful manner that his Lanterns are now protecting the universe because the Green Lanterns have disappeared. Wonder Woman doesn't say "Oh my goodness! What has become of my friend Hal Jordan?!" because she never really liked him and the way he treated Carol so shabbily. Instead she says, "Well you had better get to protecting because The Paling has arrived! I suppose I will remain to bump up your sales numbers and to also help protect Earth."

Sinestro #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. A lot of people have been fans of this book since it started but they were all wrong. This book has had a lot of problems and I'm not just discussing the problem where Cullen Bunn couldn't remember what sector New Koriander was located. The story was constantly interrupted by whatever new direction Bunn decided to go. Perhaps he was just extending The Paling story but it really felt like he would abandon it for ideas he'd rather pursue only to come back to it after abandoning those other ideas. I mean, is New Korugar still a thing or was that just to get rid of Parallax? What about the Aphid League? And then there was all the Twat Lobo nonsense. But with this issue and the previous (I'd also include the issue which introduced Nax), I feel like this book has found a voice and a personality and started working out a bit to tighten up some trouble areas. I'm slightly more attracted to this book for some reason! Maybe Cullen Bunn simply became less distracted when he realized he didn't care about Aquaman at all and he knew The Lost Army was a shit book based on one big idea. Or maybe Bunn just started taking Ritalin and has become hyper-focused on writing this book. He wouldn't want to burn every bridge at DC, would he?! Because if that happens, how will he cash the checks Marvel keeps giving him to ruin DC characters?!

From this point on, all of my Wednesday Comic Book Commentaries will be available in their entirety. It’ll be mostly weeklies, first issues, special issues that have just come out, or whatever is on the top of my stack when Wednesday hits. You know, to try to get people interested in spending one dollar per month to read the rest of my commentaries. As Gail Simone says about my site: “Tess’s reviews are some of the funniest things on the net, every time. I wish I could convince them that they should be doing this for a website or a magazine or something. This is top-notch stuff!” She uses third person singular pronouns for me because she doesn't want to offend me by getting my gender wrong even though she met me and I totally look like a rotten stinking man. I should also find some other famous people to write blurbs for my blog before I run out of Gail Simone quotes! If you’d like to support me and maybe get me to offer even more freebies (sure, why should you pay when other people will get them for free? Probably because you’re a totally terrific and swell person!), please head on over to Patreon and sign up for one dollar (or more!) per month. It’s totally worth it for the email notifications of new posts alone!

Sinestro #16

Black Adam has the most reflective leotard in the multiverse.

I feel bad for Cullen Bunn that people told him he isn't very good at writing comic books. Poor guy. I totally get where he's coming from because all it would take is one internet troll to tell me that I'm horrible at what I do to make me quit. But so far everybody loves me. The most common response I get is, "When will you be coming to the Con in [CITY WHERE READER LIVES] so I can give you a [TYPE OF JOB]." Maybe I'll go easy on Cullen Bunn since Sinestro is, at the most extreme, far end of least, the only DC comic book he's writing somewhat competently. I suppose I can give him some warm fuzzies this month rather than heaping scorn and ridicule on him because he was terrible at writing Aquaman. How dare people call him out on that?!

This issue begins with Sinestro discussing the citizens of the capital of Khandaq.

As everybody knows, only fear of punishment from a heavy handed authoritarian figure ever keeps heavily populated metropolises from devolving into violent chaos.

Sinestro is probably visiting Khandaq to get some pointers on fear working with hope from Black Adam. Sinestro won't admit to needing pointers so he'll probably pretend he's just visiting to find out where Black Adam buys his cool black and yellow boots. Sinestro really could take a lesson from Black Adam about making a yellow and black wardrobe work. Black Adam looks cool while Sinestro looks like he should be scrubbing toilets at a five star hotel in Pittsburgh.

Sinestro wants information about The Paling because he's looking to hunt down their leader and scare the life out of him. Apparently The Paling visited Khandaq many centuries ago. If I were Sinestro, I would have asked Lyssa what I learned when I would later visit Black Adam. Then once she told me, I would not go visit Black Adam. Is that possible? Or in that case, would Lyssa tell me she doesn't know because I will never visit Black Adam. Which would mean I'd have to go visit Black Adam. Which would mean Lyssa should have seen what I learned while visiting Black Adam and then I wouldn't have had to go! Stupid Book of Parallax is useless.

Black Adam agrees to show Sinestro the secret histories which recount The Paling's visit and defeat. Of course Lyssa wants to see the histories too because she fears not knowing all the stories. But Sinestro tells her that Twat Lobo's semen might ruin the pages so she'll have to keep her ass back on Warworld. The other Sinestro members also head back to Warworld leaving Sinestro to piss off Black Adam all by himself.

All the records of all the battles of Khandaq are stored in tombs deep in the desert. Black Adam leads Sinestro to the tomb which houses the memories and histories of the time The Paling attacked Earth and Black Adam defeated them.

Sinestro's neck is freaking me out.

The tomb is guarded by living mummies who refuse to obey Black Adam's commands to stand down. So Sinestro and Black Adam have to kill a whole bunch of mummies on their way to the tomb of the Bishop of The Paling whom Black Adam killed thousands of years ago.

So what? You killed all of the others and they weren't already mostly dead.

Sinestro #16 Rating: +1 Ranking. Overall, this issue was nicely put together. It feels like a chapter in a comic book that had been leading up to Sinestro coming to Earth after following a trail of clues about The Paling. Of course it didn't follow any of that at all! Instead it was all that Warworld and Twat Lobo bullshit over the last bunch of issues. If I hadn't been following any of Sinestro's New 52 exploits and this were the first issue I picked up on a spinner rack, I'd definitely pick up the next issue based on this. So judging this issue on its own merits, I enjoyed it. Sure, Sinestro lucks into finding The Pale Bishop who he had no reason to believe wasn't in contact with The Paling for the last two or three thousand years because he was in a tomb on Earth. And while it's surprising that The Pale Bishop was a Guardian (even though trying to make the Universe without emotion is a typical dick Guardian move), Sinestro shouldn't act so shocked since he pretty much recently committed genocide against the little blue bastards. What's one more?! But nothing in this wasn't anything I wouldn't expect from even the best comic books. The plot worked. The dialogue was much better than previous issues. The Narration Boxes were limited to the setup and the surprise ending. So warm fuzzies all around. If this book continues to actually tell a story about Sinestro and not about Twat Lobo, I'll be happy not to whinge on about it.

Sinestro #15

What a surprise. They've turned against each other!

Earlier in this series, Sinestro and Twat Lobo had a battle that wasn't really a battle. It was just a test by Sinestro to see if the most dangerous person in the universe was really the most dangerous person in the universe. Sinestro wasn't killed by Twat Lobo so Sinestro concluded everything being said about Twat Lobo was true. I didn't get it either but I think it had something to do with the Stan Lee Hypothesis. That's the one where if two characters of equal strength battle with each other, the battle must end in an unsatisfying tie so that nerds can continue to believe their favorite character is still the strongest which is what they believed when the story began and which is what they would have believed when the story ended even if their character lost, although they'd be pissed off and ready to write a letter. Stan Lee was a genius! Have you ever read the angry letters in comic books printed before the internet existed? My god! I would not have wanted to anger those fans either! Ties all around! No hero ever loses to another hero! They're all equally unable to finish a battle!

I guess the previous Sinestro versus Twat Lobo issue wasn't enough for the fans. They need serious resolution! So it seems they're going to have to fight again. And since Sinestro's name is on the cover of this comic book, he'll probably win (although that didn't stop Aquaman losing to Swamp Thing in Aquaman's comic book. Loser). And since Twat Lobo has regenerative powers, he'll probably be torn to pieces. That would be a satisfying resolution, right?

Since Twat Lobo failed to kill Indigo-1 last issue, he's moved on to an easier target.

Unless Saint Walker's head penis can say "Bueno," I think Saint Walker might be in serious trouble here.

Lucky for Saint Walker, Twat Lobo doesn't want him dead. Maybe all this time, unbeknownst to everybody, Saint Walker actually has the power to strengthen any ring so Sinestro wants him for the Sinestro Corps. Although probably not since it wouldn't make sense for Fear to strengthen Hope in the way that Will gives power to Hope. I guess it will work though because I'm sure some people sometimes say things like, "I hope I scare the shit out of my little sister!" See? Hope and fear working together!

Twat Lobo makes up another piece of The Code to justify what he wants to do once the inhabitants raise up arms against him to protect Saint Walker. The Code says, "Do not spare those who would piss you off even if they are desperate and thirsty." I totally agree, The Code! But Twat Lobo decides not to murder them all even though it would take three seconds since they're all weak and emaciated. Instead, he decides to scare them. And that, after all this time, finally earns him a yellow ring!

Great. Now he's a subordinate of the Void Whisper and Sinestro.

Twat Lobo cuts his finger off because he's The Main Twat! Nobody tells him what to do unless he wants them to tell him what to do because he's working an angle. Plus the Yellow Lantern uniform simply isn't his style.

Twat Lobo takes Saint Walker back to Sinestro. While he's visiting, Twat Lobo threatens Sinestro because Twat Lobo is sick of the yellow rings swarming him wherever he goes. Then he marches off to be propositioned by Lyssa.

Just a second. I have to check the cover. Hmm, it says Sinestro on the cover but it seems more like a Twat Lobo book. Sinestro has appeared for three pages in the first twelve. But I guess it's acceptable since Sinestro is doing the narration. Oh yeah! That's how I know it's not a Twat Lobo book! Because every page isn't filled with Twat Lobo Narration Boxes! In that way, this has become a better Twat Lobo comic than any in his own series! It's just too bad Sinestro is being overshadowed in his own title. Maybe that's why he's going to battle Twat Lobo again. Or it might be because Lyssa is throwing herself at Twat Lobo because who wouldn't? What a sexy, marvelous beast! I wouldn't be able to stop myself from trying to fuck the most dangerous, murderous, practically insane creature in the universe. Totally worth probably dying for, right? Although I'm sure the yellow rings can make vibrators so why risk it?

While Lyssa blows Twat Lobo in the Gender Neutral Bathroom, Sinestro propositions Saint Walker. Sinestro's Manhunters bring food and water to the populace of Arklu to show Saint Walker that he can put his hope and faith in the Sinestro Corps. He can hang out with them, charging their rings and healing them as they fly around the universe bringing order through fear. Seems like a good deal, right? There's just the small matter of serious and extreme experimentation that will have to be done on Saint Walker and his blue ring. Shouldn't be overly traumatic for a stitched together puppet man.

Sinestro #15 Rating: No change. The face-off on the cover wasn't as exciting as one would have thought. It was more just Twat Lobo making a toothless threat against Sinestro and then stomping out of the room to go fuck Lyssa. If I were Twat Lobo, I think I'd retire or find another job. He just doesn't seem happy with his current situation. At least Real Deal Lobo took joy in everything he did. He was fun to be around. Twat Lobo is a fucking buzzkill always bringing up The Code and how he has to follow The Code. He's always just...oops! This book was supposed to be about Sinestro. I should probably judge it on Sinestro's actions. Although now that Sinestro has Twat Lobo working for him, he doesn't really partake in too many actions. He's become the Grand Moff Tarkin of the Sinestro Corps. Of course he's also the Darth Vader of the Corps, so unless he's into autoerotic asphyxiation, he probably won't be choking himself. Oh! Autoerotic asphyxiation! That's what Saint Walker's head tentacle is for!

Twat Lobo #10

The Last Tango Before Sinestro Lost His Butt Cherry.

I thought all of the Twat Lobo/Sinestro crossover hype was going to be about them battling each other to a draw, Stan Lee style. But instead they're going to be the best friends ever. It makes sense because they're basically the same character with just enough shallow bullshit slopped on them for careless readers to think they're different. The ultimate problem with having a villain be the star of a monthly comic book is that villains need story arcs. Heroes can go on and on and on basically being the same person while constantly saving people from the next disaster. But villains need a story where they ultimately succeed or fail and then that's it. It's done. If they succeed in their vile plans, I suppose they can think up a new plan but since modern comics only have one speed, the villain's initial plan will be something like "control the universe" and what's left to plan after that? Squashing rebellions across various systems? Realizing that ultimate control wasn't what they really wanted and that, ultimately, they were just looking for their mother's love and their father's approval?

I understand that Cullen Bunn is trying to make Twat Lobo and Sinestro more like anti-heroes but that's bullshit too. Giving assassins and mercenaries like Twat Lobo and Deathstroke "codes" or "ethics" ultimately betrays what the fans like most about these kinds of characters. They want them to be ruthless killing machines. But they all have to have a Punisher's sense of right and wrong or else comic book companies don't think they're be palatable to a wide audience. People still exist who think the bad guy always needs to be punished.

I think DC Comics is going entirely the wrong way trying to make Twat Lobo and Sinestro cool to a young audience who they think only want sexy people acting bad-ass. I think Lobo works best as a mockery of himself. If the book is humorous and laughs at Lobo's trials and tribulations then it's okay for Lobo to be an inczarnian monster. That will never be Twat Lobo. Twat Lobo is being taken way too seriously. Some people hated that Lobo became a joke character. But those are people this blog isn't for because I'll never understand loving a character just because they represent some kind of super macho bullshit. Maybe DC Comics felt this way too which is why they thought turning Lobo into Twat Lobo was softening the super macho edge. Make him look like he cares about spa treatments and glowing tattoo fashions and he'll resonate more with today's androgynous oriented youth. I'd say it's only my opinion that that isn't the case but I also have Twat Lobo's sales to back up that it's not working. At all.

It's also possible that this version of Lobo could be awesome if only somebody else was writing it.

Somebody seems to like it well enough though because they've been defending it in the comments section of the Blogger version of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea:

I was expecting this to be a meh issue kind of like the others, but I was pleasantly surprised by this one. The bits where he talks about the blackness of space and about madness, both his own and that of the criminal elements that he's a part of, is pretty evocative. I really liked one panel where it depicts Lobo's face giving off a smug sneer as it seemingly blends in with the starry background behind him, almost as if implying that the darkness surrounding the stars and Lobo himself are one and the same.

The comment was from Anonymous but I suspect it's actually Cullen Bunn trying to explain the stuff that he couldn't fit into his 170 Narration Boxes for that issue. I get it, Your Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire! This shit is really deep!

Speaking of Narration Boxes...

I wonder if Cullen Bunn goes to art museums and plasters Post-it notes all over the exhibits?

I'm glad Twat Lobo explained the history of the Indigo Lanterns to me before he started killing them. It's always good to know why I should feel bad for the people Twat Lobo is ruthlessly murdering. His little bits of propaganda--like how he doesn't consider "compassion" an emotion or how these Indigos are just "soldiers" to be battled against--don't work on me because I don't like Twat Lobo anyway. Maybe if my belly were on fire as I gazed longingly at his tight abs and beautiful, tight little nipples, I'd buy whatever he was saying. But since that will never be the case, I should just move on to a panel that doesn't disgust me as much as one full of Narration Boxes.

Ah! That's better. No Narration Boxes! Only the implied future anal rape of Indigo-1 by a guy's bloody stump.

Twat Lobo rescues Indigo-1 by finishing the job of killing this Indigo Lantern who went back to being a killer and stump rapist himself after losing his ring that forces compassion and the inability to say anything other than "nok" onto him. But Twat Lobo didn't save Indigo-1's life so she could keep it. No, he just saved it so he could take it later.

Isn't the opposite of "nok" "Kon"? Who would want to be Superboy? He's terrible.

Maybe "nok" means "gay"? I would expect Twat Lobo to think of himself as the opposite of gay. Remember how he had all that heterosexual sex every issue ago? If Scott Lobdell were writing this comic book, Twat Lobo would be Omnisexual. I'm Nom-nom-nomnisexual which means I cannibalize all of my sexual partners. Not literally! More like emotionally and psychologically, leaving them a useless wreck and ruining their lives. But I'm totally upfront about it! When I meet a potential sexual partner, I always be sure to say, "I'm going to wreck you." And then I do! Utterly and completely!

And before you take the preceding paragraph too seriously, realize it was typed by a person who once looked like this:

I was fucking killing it that day.

Twat Lobo empties his bag of Indigo Lantern hands so Indigo-1 can appreciate, and then add to, his collection. But Indigo-1 is a total hater and wants nothing to do with helping Twat Lobo complete his set.

As Twat Lobo attacks Indigo-1, he Narration Boxes, "I've done my research on these guys. It's all about their rings--get those, and they're powerless." Whoa! He's really serious about his job! That must have taken around two seconds of research to make that ring connection! So that means the Indigo Lanterns are totally not any different than any other Lantern. Sure, some alien lanterns have innate powers due to their alien physiology. But if Twat Lobo cared about that kind of anomaly, he'd realize that the Indigo Lanterns probably have a few of those kinds of members just like any other Lantern Corps.

Indigo-1 commands one of the rings to slide onto Twat Lobo's finger (which is a bit rapey) which will make him a big softy. But he declares--in a Narration Box, of course!--that he's "a lobo" which means he won't fall for that sneaky trick. If this were the Real Deal Lobo, we'd get several issues of him being a giant dreadlocked huggy bear and it would be totally adorable and hilarious. But this comic book doesn't have time for whimsical bullshit! We're trying to be cool here! Everybody calm down and act distant and unaffected! That's better. Now it might not look like we're having any fun but just imagine how cool everybody thinks we are!

Twat Lobo bites off his finger so he doesn't become an Indigo Lantern. And just like that, Indigo-1 decides that she shouldn't try that again. He's got nine more fingers, Indigo-1! And ten toes! And a penis! At least make him bite off his own penis before you give up on this tactic! He's also got a tongue and a butthole. Don't the rings work if they're just shoved inside of a person?!

Indigo-1 teleports away and Twat Lobo's reaction would be laughable if I hadn't spent $2.24 on this comic book!

I thought you did your fucking research! The Indigo Lanterns teleport! It's practically all that they do! Teleport and hug (but not in the sexy kind of hugging the Star Sapphires do! No, the Indigos always pat you on the back as they hug)!

Twat Lobo reports back to Sinestro to point out that he failed to get Indigo-1's ring but the other Indigo Lanterns were too stupid to use their main ability to escape him. That's when Bekka begins to insult Twat Lobo like a good New God should but she is cowed by one glance from Sinestro. Oh, fuck that shit! This is going too far! Bekka is some lovestruck supporting actress now?! Not that I really care about the New Gods. But I figure the characters should be somewhat consistent as opposed to just being in the story in service to the lead characters.

Sinestro and Kadra (the Void Whisper leader who cowed Twat Lobo in the same way Sinestro cowed Bekka (I love the word "cowed." I hope I'm using and/or spelling it correctly!)) continue to negotiate their deal even though that's the kind of thing that should have been finished before Twat Lobo began killing Indigos. Kadra is all, "We should be paid a lot because you can't do it." And Sinestro is all, "Oh, I can do it but I just don't have time right now which is why I'm paying you the amount we already agreed upon and not a penny more, especially seeing as how Twat Lobo failed in his first attempt." And then Kadra is all, "Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut."

Even though Twat Lobo isn't finished with his Indigo job (and the Code says never to leave a job unfinished!), Twat Lobo now goes after the Red Lanterns. That means for the rest of the issue, he'll fail to kill Bleez and Dex-Starr and Atrocitus and Rankorr. Although I guess Cullen Bunn got the okay to kill Rankorr since he's fairly new and doesn't have a lot of fans. Twat Lobo kills Rankorr and then leaves Bleez alive because Twat Lobo suddenly doesn't know how to finish a job. Bleez heads back to Atrocitus to snitch on Twat Lobo. I guess the Red Lanterns are all back to hanging out with Atrocitus. They probably missed Dex-Starr as much as I did.

I probably could have spent more time on the Rankorr and Twat Lobo fight but I think I've done enough moaning about this issue.

Twat Lobo #10 Rating: No change. I almost typed "Sinestro #10 Rating" because isn't this more a Lantern title now? Isn't it really just more of that War of the Lanterns shit but with Twat Lobo doing all of the dirty work? The only reason Twat Lobo is involved with all of this ring crap is because the guy who writes the Twat Lobo book also writes the Sinestro book. That's the least organic link I can think of between these two characters! I could go on and on about how much I dislike the entire concept of this book, beginning with Twat Lobo's very first appearance with his "Sorry. Not Sorry" and "Screw you" directed at all of the old Lobo fans, but instead I'll just leave you with a picture from the front porch of my childhood home.

It's tiny because my mother scanned it and posted it to her Facebook. I think that's sufficient explanation, right?

Sinestro #14

I am so sick of your smug expression! I get it! You think you're God's gift to yourself!

You know what character type I'm fucking sick of in comic books? The arrogant bad-ass who can beat anybody and never fails ever. It's why I wish Superman were the Superman of my wet dreams. The sensual one who gives slow rim jobs and has ice cream ready to go after making you come like a banshee. I mean, the Superman who is humble and kind and saves the world with non-violence. The most violent Superman should get is picking up criminals by the scruffs of their necks and dragging them to the police station. If DC Comics willingly gave me that Superman, I would accept the fact that Cullen Bunn is writing basically the same character twice but with one in a Sinestro outfit and one in a Twat Lobo outfit.

Judging by the open mouths on all the characters on the cover, and the addition of "Rising" to the title, I have to believe that this issue is going to be a musical. I would forgive everything Cullen Bunn has bored me with up until this point if this issue turned out to be a musical!

The issue begins with a lone alien stranded on a barren world being drafted into the Sinestro Corps. She asks the ring, "What is the Sinestro Corps?" Before the ring can answer, Sinestro appears to declare, "It would seem, child, that the time for such questions has slipped past." What?! But why? And if that question has timed out, why does Sinestro give an answer to it immediately after saying the time for such questions has slipped past? Telling Nax the New Recruit that she has been "chosen for a greater purpose to sow fear across the universe and, with it, order" seems like a bit of an explanation as to what the Sinestro Corps does. I have a suspicious feeling that whenever a new recruit asks the ring what the Sinestro Corps is, it's programmed to teleport Sinestro into the vicinity so that Sinestro can interrupt the ring with his own, more palatable definition of the Sinestro Corps. Otherwise the ring might say something snarky like, "You're Sinestro's bitch now, hon."

Sinestro also answers the question by saying The Sinestro Corps is the most feared peacekeeping force in the universe.

The words must not translate in Nax's native language because they seem pretty clear to me. Saying "force" and "peacekeeping" don't go together is called the "Look How Clever I Am With Semantics Fallacy." Sometimes you just need somebody to arbitrate disagreements before they become violent, the way parents are a peacekeeping force for siblings. I'd be more concerned with the "most feared" part of the "most feared peacekeeping force." That sounds like fascist bullshit!

Nax points out to Sinestro that maybe she's not exactly right for this job. She never once aspired to be a Space Bully so maybe the ring made a mistake. Sinestro asks the ring itself why it chose such a namby-pamby recruit. The ring chose Nax because Nax is a gray alien who specializes in abductions and anal probes. I'd say that inspires a certain amount of fear in enough cows and rednecks throughout the universe. Sinestro seems to think the ring's explanation proves Nax should stay on as a member, so he continues her tour of the Sinestro Corps, beginning with Warworld.

The surface of Warworld is now covered in a living city called Ranx, also a member of the Corps. I didn't know cities could become members. Why hasn't Gotham received its yellow ring yet?

Next, Sinestro shows Nax the new Manhunter units. Now instead of read and blue, they're completely yellow. Now instead of screaming, "No man shall escape the manhunters," they yell, "No man shall escape Sinestro's might!" I hope that means they'll be defeated by the Zamarons. Although having a woman defeat a being that can "be killed by no man" falls under that "Look How Clever I Am With Semantics Fallacy."

After Sinestro points out the Manhunters have limited usefulness because they are emotionless, Nax asks, "But what about me?"

Well then why did you even bring it up if you already knew you weren't actually emotionless because you failed your "Emotions?! PTUI!" class?! Stop wasting Sinestro's time, you wiseacre!

Sinestro introduces Nax to her new partner, Soranik, and then ditches her. I guess training time is over. Sinestro has to go deal with Twat Lobo now while Nax and Soranik begin discussing ways to give the Sinestro Corps a friendlier, more upbeat vibe. Soranik is all, "Welcome! I'm just trying to figure out why these patients of mine can't feel emotions anymore. Do you like how low cut my uniform is? It really enhances that squishy feeling one gets when they think a nipple might accidentally pop into view at any moment." And Nax is all, "I can do this neat vivisection trick that doesn't actually kill the patient but hurts like hell. Does that help find where the emotions went?" And Soranik is all, "Let's make out!" Then I lose all interest in this comic book's actual ending as I imaging a lot of face sitting and anal probing.

Sinestro #14 Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue found the key to making this an enjoyable experience although I have a feeling the key is immediately dropped down a sewer grate and lost forever next issue. Sinestro isn't the interesting part of this book. In fact, Sinestro is as boring as a character can get. He's a powerful, arrogant fascist. His ambition is to control everything. It's probably a severe form of OCD where he has to be in control of the entire universe to feel like nothing will go wrong. Instead of thinking, "I touched the refrigerator handle three times before opening it so disaster has been averted!", Sinestro thinks, "I'm now in charge of everything so I can breathe easy!" No, Sinestro is not the interesting character here. But he has a whole Corps full of characters recruited pretty much against their will who might not be as single-minded in scaring the shit out of people as Sinestro is. That's where the stories lie! I think. I mean, the annual told the back stories of a bunch of Sinestro Corps members as well and that didn't really make them more interesting. But that's because the back stories were just versions of the characters before they got the ring. All that shit which could make them interesting was really just abandoned once they got the ring, and now they're just terrifying bad-ass monsters that get their kicks by scaring the shit out of anybody they come across. At least maybe Nax and Soranik's relationship will be an interesting background story now.

Twat Lobo Annual #1

Lobo's logo matches him perfectly. It's boring with just a bunch of fiddly bits tacked onto it so it feels extreme.

The annual begins with Twat Lobo shooting a candidate for the Yellow Lanterns in the head. Why the fuck would the ring choose such a shitty candidate? Sinestro should be glad Twat Lobo took out this potential recruit before he wasted any of the Sinestro Corps' time. After the ring refuses to recruit a corpse because it isn't recruiting for the Black Lanterns, it moves on to find another candidate by spouting some "Replacement sentient initiated" nonsense. Maybe the ring instantaneously hazes the next recruit before moving on to find him or her or it. Or maybe Yellow Rings use a different kind of grammar than the rest of us.

I hope nobody argues with the "us" part of that last statement!

Twat Lobo captures the ring and throws it in his Yellow Ring Aquarium. Czarnia must have had sharks too because Twat Lobo compares collecting the Yellow Rings to chumming the waters. So he's now the Captain Quint of space travel? I wonder if at some point in this comic book he's going to need a bigger space ship?! Or maybe he'll meet an old guy with a really bad hat!

Or he's just better at living his life without a single thought about Twat Lobo and what he's up to.

Twat Lobo heads off to the remains of a pleasure planet to buy some information from a guy named Pascal Xantes. Twat Lobo explains all about the location in Narration Box after Narration Box. It helps the dumb people who like this comic book to understand what's going on.

Xantes has been giving Twat Lobo the information he's been using to locate the potential recruits for the Yellow Lanterns. That seems like a really difficult thing to predict no matter how many "equations" you run! How about just giving Twat Lobo Sinestro's location?! It seems like that information would be a hell of a lot easier to gain access to than guessing who the newest Yellow Lantern will be. I'm sure there's a reason Twat Lobo is doing this the hard way; it's just that he hasn't explained it to me in a Narration Box.

Egads. Just shut the fuck up and kill shit, you turd.

While Twat Lobo murders shit, he explains how everybody in space (which is everybody in the universe, amirite?!) is crazy and dangerous. He thinks it's because of the darkness, the "deep black" of space. I don't get it. Space isn't black! Space is light! Lights everywhere! Everywhere you look: lights, lights, and more lights! The only place that's dark is on a planet with a thick atmosphere and serious cloud cover! Or like, a cave! And a cave is the exact opposite of space. I think what he meant to say was everybody in space is a little crazy because of the loneliness. It's lonely in space! I mean, unless you're on some huge ark ship or something. Or, you know, on a planet with a bunch of other assholes that won't get out of your way when you walk down the sidewalk.

Twat Lobo "rescues" a Korugarian prisoner to trail behind his ship as he flies through space. Does he have some barrels to harpoon into the side of Sinestro when he attracts Sinestro's attention? That attention, by the way, is attracted rather quickly.

Here it is! Here it is! Twat Lobo's going to need a bigger space ship!

The Sinestro Corps rip Twat Lobo apart. But only because he lets them! If he didn't want to lose the fight, he wouldn't have lost the fight, especially since it was only against a bunch of Sinestro's lackeys. No, he loses on purpose because Sinestro isn't among them. So he has to play dead and follow them back to New Korugar. That's not me summarizing the comic book. That's me guessing at why Arkillo was able to tear Twat Lobo apart so easily.

The best part about Twat Lobo playing dead? He decides to stop his incessant Narration Boxing to make the readers think he's dead too! Why else would he stop Narration Boxing while pretending to be dead? The Yellow Lanterns can't hear it!

Too bad he only fakes it for two pages and then it's right back to shoving nine more Narration Boxes onto the page as he explains what I already explained before reading his explanation. Also, his ship regenerates too! Whew! I was worried that he was going to have to swim to New Korugar. Can you swim in space?

The Sinestro Corps don't think you're a ghost! The Sinestro Corps aren't thinking about you at all!

As Twat Lobo disembarks to find Sinestro and murder him, he mentions how if he's noticed, he'll "frag everyone on the planet." See? Twat Lobo is actually Real Deal Lobo! It's just an earlier version of him before he became a thicker, hairier, middle-aged bastich! When Twat Lobo murdered Real Deal Lobo, he really just killed his future self. That'll be a neat story when Cullen Bunn finally doesn't write it.

Sinestro sniffs out Twat Lobo almost immediately so that the great big battle every fan has been waiting for can begin! Except this fan. I wasn't waiting for it. Unless Sinestro destroys Twat Lobo and ends Twat Lobo's monthly comic book. I wouldn't mind that happening. Go Sinestro! Eat Twat Lobo's face!

Instead of getting an exciting battle, the readers get Twat Lobo explaining what Sinestro is thinking, how he's acting, and how Twat Lobo is using it all to his own advantage. None of that plays out in the visuals, of course! In the visuals, Twat Lobo just shoots a gun at Sinestro and jumps at him with a sword. I'm glad Twat Lobo explained that there was more going on than I realized. Now it's really exciting!

After Twat Lobo beats on Sinestro awhile, Sinestro ends the fight by paying off Twat Lobo's contract which Sinestro put out on himself to test Twat Lobo. Now Twat Lobo gets to be Sinestro's Whip as well as the Void Whisper's Whip. Twat Lobo is so whipped.

Twat Lobo Annual #1 Rating: 170 Narration Boxes versus 166 Panels. So just a slight bit more telling than showing. I prefer my comic books to be not this.

Sinestro #13

The exclamation point is the wrong punctuation to use after "Parallax released". Is there a punctuation mark that denotes apathy to the point of hopelessness and despair?

I don't think Cullen Bunn is a bad writer but I do think he's completely disinterested in the DC characters he's currently writing. At least I know I am! And whatever I'm feeling must be what other people are feeling, right? Is that how empathy works?

If I could pitch a Sinestro comic book, I'd march into Dan Didio's office and say, "Geoff Johns is a joke!" Then Dan would probably say, "You should be pitching comic books to Geoff Johns." So I'd march into Geoff Johns' office and say, "Dan Didio is a joke!" Then we'd high-five and suck each other's cocks before I went into my pitch which would be this: "Why is Sinestro named Sinestro? What if we delve into that aspect of his character!? Sinestro! Sinestro! Sin. Estro. Without estrus! What if Korugarian males are the ones who go into heat but Sinestro never did?! He's pent up! He's so horny he's gone mad although he doesn't even know he's horny because he has no estrus! Imagine if Sinestro is...a virgin!" And Geoff Johns would be all, "Um, Soranik?" And I'd be all, "Retcon her out of existence! Nobody will notice!" And then Johns will be all, "I'm pretty sure his name is Sinestro because it evokes the word 'sinister.'" And I'd be all, "How do you do that thing with your tongue that made my dick harder than it's ever been?" And Johns will be all, "You know I'm in talks with HBO to do a Crazy Quilt television series?" And I would be, "Um, interesting. Oh! Just look at the time! I have to go now!" And Johns will begin to unzip his pants as I'm leaving and say, "Could you send Cullen in on your way out?"

I'm not implying that Geoff Johns engages in casting couch shenanigans! Although I have heard, via my own commentaries and misconceptions, that if you buy him lunch, he'll give you a comic book series. So use your imagination! Seriously, use your imagination so you get sued for libel instead of me!

This issue begins with Soranik upset that she's been chosen to become a Yellow Lantern. It seems weird that in one moment, she had the ability to overcome great fear. Then suddenly, in another moment completely opposite the previous moment, she had the ability to instill great fear. Okay, I guess those aren't opposite moments at all. And I guess, according to the Emotional Spectrum Color Wheel, a Yellow Lantern is just a Green Lantern minus Hope. Although according to the Emotional Spectrum Color Wheel, Love is just a combination of Anger and Hope. That seems about right.

Moments after Soranik becomes a Yellow Lantern, her Green Lantern Ring disappears. Soranik says "How did you know?!" at the exact same time that Lyssa says "How did you know?!" Then Lyssa explains what happened because she's a writer's best friend. It's always good to have a character that knows everything so you can keep your main character up-to-date on all the stupid shit you want him to know about but that he could never have any way of knowing. Unless, of course, he leaves a television running in the background to alert him to only very specific breaking news that furthers the plot of his life.

Also some people who weren't wearing rings were abducted like Guy Gardner and...well, like Guy Gardner.

I'm not a fan of the Green Lantern Corps as a department of authoritarian fascists who think that some kind of Universal Law can be applied across every planet in the universe no matter how different the various cultures might be. I do like them as cosmic EMTs who only interfere when they're called into a situation. I certainly don't think they're important enough that their disappearance would cause the universe to fall apart in some way. I like the idea that they might be out there to help planets being attacked by other planets or to help populations of planets going through severe droughts or having to deal with a dying star in their system. They should be about helping and kindness instead of policing and laws. The first story in Green Lantern Corps Quarterly #1 from 1992 has a Green Lantern trying to bring law to a planet of criminals where the visitors and residents understand exactly the kind of place Garnet is. This Lantern isn't there to help a populace subjugated by crime lords and intergalactic madmen. He's just there to tell them they can't run the planet this way because of his (or the Corps?) own Puritan ideals. It seems that everybody on planet knows the risks of living on Garnet, so maybe they should be left alone and seen as a frontier planet? Maybe the Green Lanterns should just set up warning signs around the planet for innocent passersby? But should they go in and ruin everybody's good time crime fun? I don't think so!

Please, Soranik. Lyssa didn't see Sinestro preventing the disappearance of the Green Lanterns, so how could they have prevented the disappearance of the Green Lanterns? You have a lot to learn about fate and destiny and lazy writing!

I wish Lyssa would have just spoiled the entire plot of the Lost Army at this moment! That would have turned me around on this entire comic book! It could have been the best moment of the year!

Sinestro tells Soranik that she is now a member of the Yellow Lanterns (or the Sinestro Corps. Whatever!) and that she will help them "create order where there has only been chaos. We can make the universe a better place." What does "order" even mean on a scale so big? Isn't the universe as orderly as it's going to get due to following universal laws? Or does he mean he's going to institute a Universal Curfew with strict noise compliance laws? Having so many different species and cultures seems pretty chaotic, right? So I guess the first order of business is to winnow down the number of aliens. Maybe destroy all interstellar ships because having aliens mixing with other aliens is the definition of chaos! I mean, it could be! It's not the exact Oxford English Dictionary definition!

You know, I don't think Sinestro cares about order at all! I think he just wants to be in control of everything! He's a fascist!

Soranik figures they've probably talked long enough about her conversion to Yellow Lanterness, so she brings up the traitor. That causes Sinestro to wander away to consider his plan for keeping New Korugar from exploding.

The reactor begins to blow while Sinestro refuses to evacuate the Korugarians. Bekka follows him around telling him he really needs to save his people but she refuses to save them herself. She also refuses to leave his Sinestro Corps even though she feels like he's using her for her strength in battle. I guess she realizes she has no real plot of her own and her only importance is how she relates to Sinestro. So she sticks close to him because being an accessory is better than not being in the comic book at all, I guess.

Sinestro makes sure everybody now knows that the planet is about to blow up and that he's going to save it. He then releases Parallax into the core of the planet to save the day. Everybody then uses their Yellow Rings to make confetti for Sinestro's Hero Parade. And then the spectators all run screaming from the horribly scary confetti drifting through the sky.

It turns out Lyssa arranged the meltdown because Lyssa saw that she was going to arrange the meltdown. What could she do? Her hands were tied! She also hoped that Sinestro would allow the planet to explode with his fellow Korugarians on it so that he wouldn't have anything to distract him from his mission to control the universe. Although since Sinestro used Parallax to stop the planet from exploding, she must have seen that Sinestro would release Parallax to stop the planet from exploding so she must have rigged the planet to explode so that Sinestro would abandon Parallax. Or something. It's really hard to figure out the motivations of a character who can see the future and is then helpless to change that future. I think Lyssa just shrugs and follows the script because why bother pretending you have free will when your lack of free will is staring you right in the face every single day. At least as human beings, we get to pretend that we have free will because we can't see the future. If I knew I was going to type this sentence, I totally wouldn't have typed this sentence. But since I didn't know I was going to, I did! It would have sucked if I knew I was going to type it and still couldn't stop myself from typing it. What a horrible life omniscient creatures like God and Allah and Oracle must lead.

She's only asking because, earlier, she saw in the future that she was going to ask this.

Sinestro murders a few of his Corps because they were dumb enough to be used as patsies. He then sends his Corps out to "protect" the universe after which he kisses Lyssa because she's there, I guess.

Sinestro #13 Rating: No change. Aren't villains supposed to be more fascinating than heroes? Then how come Hal Jordan is way more interesting than Sinestro? And I don't even like Hal Jordan! This really should be a mini-series. Sinestro needs a story arc because this is only interesting if he rises up, overreaches, and falls. But as an open-ended series, how does one accomplish that? As the main character of the book, how do you keep readers interested in a character that should ultimately be failing in his goals? Unless he's going to do such a good job that Hal Jordan returns and they embrace and share a beer and become Truest Friends without the Most Hated Enemies part!

Sinestro #12

I'd rather have had a Joker Variant.

This is really important work I'm doing. In the future, historians are going to want an unbiased opinion of the material published by DC Comics. They'll stumble upon my site and think, "Enh. Good enough." And that's ignoring all the good I'm doing for the present as well! Keeping my hatred laser-focused on DC Comics keeps me from blowing up bridges and punching every fucking asshole blocking the sidewalk while standing outside of a bar smoking and talking and not realizing how even their friends probably don't really like them very much.

The issue begins with Sinestro and Soranik standing above the reactor at the core of New Korugar. A traitor among the Yellow Lanterns has triggered it to meltdown which will destroy the new home for Sinestro's people. They waste three pages having a useless conversation.

Soranik: "We must evacuate the Korugarians!"
Sinestro: "No need. I will stop the meltdown."
Soranik: "But what if you can't?!"
Sinestro: "I will."
Soranik: "But you might not!"
Sinestro: "But I will."
Soranik: "But just in case you fail..."
Sinestro: "I won't."
Soranik: "You'd put your people at risk...?"
Sinestro: "There is no risk. I will save them."
Soranik: "But just in case you can't!"
Sinestro: "But I can!"
Soranik: "You dick! I hate you! Why am I even here?!"

So now new readers understand that Sinestro is an arrogant bastard who doesn't feel he needs to listen to anybody's advice. Why should he? They're all more incompetent than he is. If he left anything up to anybody else, it would all get done wrong. So he does things his way (which is obviously the best way) and everybody will be happy, dammit. The reader also learns that Soranik is a useless chump who is only hanging around to help her people but just winds up being told, over and over, to shut up by her father.

Of course, if you didn't want to read the first few pages in the most unflattering way possible, you might see it as a moment where Sinestro is having a bit of self-doubt about whether or not he'll ever truly be able to help the Korugarians. He's promised to keep them safe and now he's ashamed that he's placed them in greater danger. He cannot face his own errors so he decides not to tell anybody about the meltdown. If he can take care of it himself, nobody will know he isn't completely in control at all times. And Soranik is just a daughter desperate to get her father to see things differently than he normally does. Saving the Korugarians should not be about him and his shame! It should be about the Korugarians.

After Sorankik storms off, Lyssa remembers that this is the point in time that she is supposed to have a conversation with Sinestro.

Since Lyssa can see the future, the only reason she knows what Sinestro's Plan B is is because Plan A fails. Right?

Soranik heads off to help out the Korugarians without her father's approval. Umaraal, an elder among the Korugarians (maybe. I don't really know who she is!), informs Soranik that Sinestro has never changed and she was a fool to ever think he had. So I think my flattering way of reading the first few pages was me just being fooled into thinking that Cullen Bunn's writing had changed. Apparently Sinestro is just preparing to become a God or something, and he's just waiting for the Green Lanterns to disappear from the universe.

Meanwhile some yellow space sperm named Ranx breaks its way into Warworld to fertilize it.

Afterward, Sinestro goads Soranik into a battle which ends with her becoming a Yellow Lantern. Sinestro's just trying to save her because the Green Lanterns are about to disappear. I think that means he loves his daughter and he should have a Violet Ring now! And since this entire thing was really just a manipulation to get Soranik closer to fear so she could become a Yellow Lantern, maybe Sinestro is the traitor who set the reactor on its course just to toy with his daughter? That's less farfetched than Tim Drake becoming Harvest, right? And I was right about that one too! I mean, I will have been right given enough time. You'll see!

Sinestro #12 Rating: No change. The best part of this issue was that it was called "Daddy Issues." Although Soranik has less Daddy Issues than every single other character in the DC Universe! She doesn't seem like she needs to prove anything to him at all, or that her life is the way it is due to his abandonment of her. She just wants to help her people and keep her father from harming them due to his arrogance and negligence. Sinestro probably has more daddy issues than Soranik does although I don't know what they are. I'm sure there's a story out there somewhere in which Sinestro has a flashback to his awful father which made Sinestro declare he would never be like him and then, later, unwittingly became just like him. That's just the kind of story that DC Comics loves for their characters' backstories.